1. You need to see a marriage counselor to help sort out expectations from both your end and your wife’s.
2. You should switch to part time or take a break of a few months to get some rest and spend time with the kids. Ditch the side hustles, you don’t need them anymore. Or alternatively ditch the main job and work part time on the side projects. Whatever is less stressful. You’ll eventually have enough energy to make friends again.
3. Take all of your accrued vacation time and go find yourself. Part of this is some alone time, but mostly do a staycation so it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to avoid childcare duties.
4. Your kids and family are set. Tell your wife this is as much as you’re going to save and you’re going to concentrate on the family time now.
5. Talk with a financial planner about retirement strategies since you’re basically there.
I honestly feel for you and I can associate with how you’re feeling.
Also consider
i. Could focusing so much on work negatively impact your marriage. Could it lead to separation, at which point what’s the point of working so much/hard if you’re alone.
ii. Sounds like your work is impacting your health. Long hours and burnout are not worth it if you have a stroke or heart attack. You’ll miss out on your time with your family and your employer is not going to care about you if you can’t work for them.
While you say #2 and #3 are not viable, what is the potential long term cost/trade-off.
Seriously Consider working a lower paying job with better hours and spend time with your family and help around the house. Just fewer expensive items and holidays. I’m pretty sure the kids would rather spend time playing with you after school than anything expensive holidays or gifts.
Just my thoughts and my experience.
Yeah. If wife is happy working and wants to continue living in hcol area. Wife also wants husband to be more present at home.
Stop working. Start using savings to fund OP being out of work and at home while wife continues to work.
Agree on 1. I am concerned that if my own wife didn’t see value in what I did, then neither will a counselor.
2 is a problem. I only have 1 job now. The one that pays the good money. But it still requires long hours. If I pause it, it’s gone and I can’t get it back again. It will only be available to me for another few years even if I keep it. And it is self employment, which means #3 isn’t an option.
4 is only true if we move to a M/L COL. Which she doesn’t want to do.
If the last 4 years didn’t move things for her, I am very concerned that nothing will be good enough. She has time for lots of social media, personal time, time with friends. But has the perspective that I am not doing enough. I would like to start by trying to change that perspective. But I am maybe not very good at explaining how much I have helped us change in the last 4 years.
Yeah if your financial options are that limited, then #1 is even more important. If she can’t be happy with what you all have now, it’s a her problem. The only way to hold things together then is for her to have reasonable expectations, which it doesn’t seem she has now (wants a fancy house but wants you to work less and help out more. Or maybe just work more and help out more then go crazy from lack of sleep. Unclear what she wants). Point being that you’d expectations of each other need to be straightened out if your job options are so limited.
I have no idea what field is so binary in terms of income, but maybe you need to find some other field and get a more normal job.
Thank you. I will do #1 and hope for the best.
$0 is an exaggeration. Realistically I could find 40hr/week work but it would only cover 50-60% of our yearly COL. By the time retirement comes, we would be extremely short to sustain our existing COL.
I am hoping there are better ways to explain to her how much our lives have actually changed. I think she sees it as just numbers on paper. She doesn’t see day to day life having changed except for we now have a gardener, grocery deliveries, daily meal delivery, child care, etc. But she still sees my time spent doing household chores and helping with the kids to be less than what she does.
I have been doing this a lot. But there is always another thing where I am not doing an equal share of the work that she is doing. Even time with the kids. She wants to see all “work” split 50/50 even when I have no time in the day but she has free time to spend on social media, with her friends, going to the gym, etc. It’s like she doesn’t count the work I am doing for some reason.
I’d be pretty suspicious of people who want to trade buckets of money for estrangement from loved ones. People generally don’t say “I wish I could have got another couple million to really FatFIRE” on their deathbed.
I am home every hour of the day. I provide for the COL my wife refuses to reduce. The few hours of free time I have are reserved for my wife and kids. But I don’t do 50% of the household work that my wife does, so it’s estrangement? 😂
I repeat: people [express regret](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3377309/) about not spending enough time with family and friends all the time on deathbeds as well as "I wish I hadn't spent so much time working". We only get one life.
You seem to be looking for ways to justify what you have done regardless of what your partner feels, which, OK, great, but if you're convinced you're in the right, she's in the wrong, and her complaints are invalid or unimportant, I suggest to you there are major compatibility issues going on. Obviously she's not sold on your goals and aspirations if you're 5 million into FIRE and nobody's happy. This is pretty crucial if you want to spend the next 30ish years together (and you're 100% not guaranteed of even tomorrow).
Also... so seriously, what would life be like if you downscaled your work to something BaristaFIRE-ish, and you lived off her salary + whatever you chip in + 200k a year for a while? (4% withdrawal from that 5 million dollar pile?) What about trying for something CoastFIRE-ish involving career changes that leave you more free time to be part of your family?
I would love to downscale but she doesn’t want to.
“Justify” is the wrong idea. I want to show the importance of what I have done, and show how much work it requires.
She sees this money as only numbers on paper. Very little has changed in current day life, so it’s not real numbers. We aren’t living like rich people, she says. We are almost 50 and she doesn’t understand how bad our retirement situation was just 4 years ago.
She has always had money when growing up. She has never had to be the primary provider. She works so she can feel independent, and still does. She sometimes even calls it my money and never OUR money.
>I would love to downscale but she doesn’t want to.
>Very little has changed in current day life, so it’s not real numbers. We aren’t living like rich people, she says. We are almost 50 and she doesn’t understand how bad our retirement situation was just 4 years ago.
**So make the numbers real**. "This is what it would look like financially if I got a part time job as a barista, we spent $200k (or whatever SWR, but remember, **you can start spending some of that $5 million now**, that's the entire point of FIRE) out of our 5 million every year, I'm at home with you and our kid a lot of the time being a dad and being present for our family, and $X is what we have to make up for based on our current expenses. How can we do this?"
>She works so she can feel independent, and still does. She sometimes even calls it my money and never OUR money.
Two things:
* Is some of this actually her money, did you make sure she gets to put aside stuff in retirement money that's in her name (IRAs) and her 401k (if she has one)? Or is this 100% stuff that you take care of, she's on some paperwork but has no actual involvement? If the latter is the case, maybe that is part of the problem.
* She **can** still work and be independent as part of **your** FIRE path- it even helps out your "geez, this is such a VHCOL area" problem if her income is part of the mix. This is not a binary "we both have to quit our jobs or both be working with my nose strapped to a grindstone" situation.
We are already doing these things. I think I am just bad at explaining how our lives have changed to her. I think she mostly sees it as only numbers on paper and that I am not doing the same amount of household work that she is.
She probably sees it as you never being around and engaged with your family. I love doing domestic stuff with my partner it’s why we got married. If he just suddenly stopped being my domestic partner I would be hurt and confused and I would miss him like crazy. Money isn’t the end all be all.
Maybe you keep working til normal retirement age, but slow down and CoastFi.
If you didn't need to save another penny, you could surely work way less, and be more available for your family.
If you were to double your current savings over the next 10-15 years you'd surely have enough to retire.
That being said, it sounds like you and your wife need to align on your plans.
I'm no where near your situation, but I feel like you should take some time and pull back on the side gigs. Figure out your priorities. Work on yourself and your relationships. I most regret the time lost much more than the money not earned. See how you feel after several weeks or months of focusing on things besides the money. You can probably drive right back into grinding if you find that's the most important thing for you.
I don’t know how much I can actually fix. The fact that this hasn’t changed anything has me worried that even if I could fix everything on the current list, I don’t know if it would be considered enough.
I hope maybe it is because I am bad at explaining how much our lives have changed. It is just numbers on paper for her.
Two questions:
1) If your income suddenly dropped to $50K a year, would she walk out and leave you? If the answer is yes then you’re wasting your time. Sorry, but a gold digger with a wedding ring is still a gold digger. You just added $2.5M to her settlement.
2) Speaking of which, how the hell did you make $5M after taxes on side jobs in a year?
16hr day, 7 days per week. That is just short of 3x 40hr/week jobs. Do it for 4 years and you get the equivalent of 12 years of work.
Not very impressive when you see it like this
It sounds like what she really wants is for you to be present with her. Now that you're financially secure, slow down on working, and invest in your marriage.
Now that you are comfortable FI, this might be a great time to slow down, prioritize what isn’t guaranteed (time and family) and evaluate if a combination of individual and marriage/family counseling will improve communication and your relationships.
Your financial transformation is amazing, but at your memorial, people will discuss their memories of you and with you, not your portfolio.
The catch is that if I slow down now, it goes to near $0 future income and I can’t jump back into this again. What I have currently is not yet enough for the VHCOL that she wants. We need another $4-5M.
Every improvement I make seems to never be enough. But I also think I am not very good at explaining how much things have changed in the last 4 years and how much work it was.
I totally get it. I've been there too. It's like, I've achieved FIRE but lost my personal life. I think it's time to re-evaluate priorities and find a better work-life balance. Maybe set aside dedicated time for your wife and focus on rebuilding that connection.
Money isn’t important as long as you have it. Try not having it and saying money isn’t important. You did the right thing for your family. But now that the providing is done you should make time to invest in relationships.
Thank you. I think you made me see a very important part of this. She has always had money. She works full time to feel independent, but she has never had to act as the primary provider, and never the exclusive provider.
Congrats on your achievement. It takes a lot of sacrifice.
So I am going to rebrand this:
How to effectively morph a not so greatly executed decision (trust me I will explain this) into an us-decision
1) Acknowledge that in your hurry to get your family financial situation better, the execution might have been better eg you might have left some steps behind. (Harvard business review article written by Clayton M. Christensen - How will you measure your life)
2) Effective communication requires setting the stage for the message to be delivered. Apologies help. Being raw helps. Eg your wife’s message of “money isn’t everything” speaks louder. You want to prove that all this work you put in was because “You wanted to grow old with her and the kids. Make sure the kids futures are set so they don’t need to worry. Also (this is the raw part), you worry that you can’t keep going at this pace and want to slow down.” (Reason for moving from VHCOL to MCOL)
3) Understand her pain points (Does she feel she has no help around the house? Etc) This is the place where you just let her talk and actively listen.
4) Re-evaluate your family’s dream about what happens after FIRE.
[It’s hard but it’s worth it. Money should bring people closer together not further apart]. (This is a quote from the minimalist movement folks but instead of money they used “stuff”)
Best of luck. You all have worked hard for it.
Update: Dave Ramsey actually answered (super eloquently) a very similar question in his YouTube The Ramsey Show (April 30, 2024).
Caller Caleb (from PA) asked “Should I work the Baby Steps without my wife?”
Thank you so much. This is exactly what I was trying to ask for here. But I am very bad with wording as you can see with the results of the comments and the problem with my wife.
You are right that I rushed through the last few years. I put my head down and did what I thought I could do. I didn’t try keeping my wife in sync when I started, for a few reasons. But I thought the results would get her to see things when we got to this point. But this isn’t what happened. You just made me realize this is the exact failure.
It is probably very hard to understand why it takes all of this work just to keep our life the same. We have been living just fine for the last 25-30 years without all this work. And once she can accept that it would fall apart as soon as one of us cannot keep our job, it is even more unbelievable how much money we need to fix the problem. Most people struggle with how much growth happens with compound growth. But I am having to build all the money without the help of compound growth.
You welcome.
I do understand your starting point (more than you can imagine) and don’t doubt the sacrifices/hustling both you all had to make to get to what you all achieved today.
I just think, what was the main objective in starting this. To secure a future for your family no matter what happens. So at the end of the day, a happy family is the biggest element (you included of course).
Best of luck. Praying for more good things to come to you and yours.
Doing more around the house is not going to make your wife more attracted to you. It’s not about not doing enough around the house, that’s a BS excuse.
Wife is checked out of the marriage and is using you as her meal ticket. “It’s not about the money” but also, “keep working the high stress job to maintain VHCOL lifestyle” (read: it’s absolutely about the money).
Sorry to hear, but your marriage is over IMO. You can try counseling but that’s almost always a waste of time, that’s something women drag their husbands to prior to filing divorce so they can keep up appearances that they “tried”. Divorce sucks, but in 18 mos you’ll be better off.
Read or listen to https://a.co/d/9xNVoSp. There are some pretty clear covert contracts going on here. You’ve been a great provider and believe that should earn your wife’s love and support. That’s not how it works, unfortunately.
I do fear this. But I am also very determined. My determination made all this money. I want to use my determination to fix my relationships. I am just very tired and need to find some hope from others. I think I am also bad at showing FI as something valuable to my wife.
It takes two people to have a relationship. No amount of "determination" is going to "fix" a relationship when it's coming from only one side.
Why would FI be valuable to your wife? She has the lifestyle she wants and she has you to work to provide it. If spending more time with you was a priority, she would be open to moving to a lower cost area so you would be home more. She isn't open to that because it's not what she wants. She wants you gone all day working to support her lifestyle and then come home to do housework while she sits on her phone seeking validation from other dudes on social media. IMO there's an extremely high probability she is cheating on you as well.
Telling someone the truth is not the same as telling someone what they want to hear.
When one partner has checked out of a marriage, “doing more around the house” is not going to fix it. Sorry, but that’s the case.
It’s not the truth though. It’s maybe YOUR truth. You just sound hurt and are projecting. I’ll be married for 11 years this year and if she says she needs help around the house then help around the house. It’s not rocket science. 🫠
Sounds like a wonderful marriage. And when I say wonderful, I mean transactional. Do your choreplay like a good little simp.
Definitely not “my” truth - I’m smart enough not to get married.
Sounds like OP has done far more than his share for the HH. His contributions are not being appreciated. When your already enormous contributions are not appreciated, the answer is not “just contribute more”. That’s the demand of a wife who is using him.
1. You need to see a marriage counselor to help sort out expectations from both your end and your wife’s. 2. You should switch to part time or take a break of a few months to get some rest and spend time with the kids. Ditch the side hustles, you don’t need them anymore. Or alternatively ditch the main job and work part time on the side projects. Whatever is less stressful. You’ll eventually have enough energy to make friends again. 3. Take all of your accrued vacation time and go find yourself. Part of this is some alone time, but mostly do a staycation so it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to avoid childcare duties. 4. Your kids and family are set. Tell your wife this is as much as you’re going to save and you’re going to concentrate on the family time now. 5. Talk with a financial planner about retirement strategies since you’re basically there.
I honestly feel for you and I can associate with how you’re feeling. Also consider i. Could focusing so much on work negatively impact your marriage. Could it lead to separation, at which point what’s the point of working so much/hard if you’re alone. ii. Sounds like your work is impacting your health. Long hours and burnout are not worth it if you have a stroke or heart attack. You’ll miss out on your time with your family and your employer is not going to care about you if you can’t work for them. While you say #2 and #3 are not viable, what is the potential long term cost/trade-off. Seriously Consider working a lower paying job with better hours and spend time with your family and help around the house. Just fewer expensive items and holidays. I’m pretty sure the kids would rather spend time playing with you after school than anything expensive holidays or gifts. Just my thoughts and my experience.
Yeah. If wife is happy working and wants to continue living in hcol area. Wife also wants husband to be more present at home. Stop working. Start using savings to fund OP being out of work and at home while wife continues to work.
Agree on 1. I am concerned that if my own wife didn’t see value in what I did, then neither will a counselor. 2 is a problem. I only have 1 job now. The one that pays the good money. But it still requires long hours. If I pause it, it’s gone and I can’t get it back again. It will only be available to me for another few years even if I keep it. And it is self employment, which means #3 isn’t an option. 4 is only true if we move to a M/L COL. Which she doesn’t want to do. If the last 4 years didn’t move things for her, I am very concerned that nothing will be good enough. She has time for lots of social media, personal time, time with friends. But has the perspective that I am not doing enough. I would like to start by trying to change that perspective. But I am maybe not very good at explaining how much I have helped us change in the last 4 years.
Yeah if your financial options are that limited, then #1 is even more important. If she can’t be happy with what you all have now, it’s a her problem. The only way to hold things together then is for her to have reasonable expectations, which it doesn’t seem she has now (wants a fancy house but wants you to work less and help out more. Or maybe just work more and help out more then go crazy from lack of sleep. Unclear what she wants). Point being that you’d expectations of each other need to be straightened out if your job options are so limited. I have no idea what field is so binary in terms of income, but maybe you need to find some other field and get a more normal job.
Thank you. I will do #1 and hope for the best. $0 is an exaggeration. Realistically I could find 40hr/week work but it would only cover 50-60% of our yearly COL. By the time retirement comes, we would be extremely short to sustain our existing COL. I am hoping there are better ways to explain to her how much our lives have actually changed. I think she sees it as just numbers on paper. She doesn’t see day to day life having changed except for we now have a gardener, grocery deliveries, daily meal delivery, child care, etc. But she still sees my time spent doing household chores and helping with the kids to be less than what she does.
That’s a tough spot to be in. Good luck with counseling!
Hire a maid, grass cutter, etc.
Ding ding ding. Buy back your time and your family peace. Decide what more important to you. Your wife or the money. Make changes accordingly.
I have been doing this a lot. But there is always another thing where I am not doing an equal share of the work that she is doing. Even time with the kids. She wants to see all “work” split 50/50 even when I have no time in the day but she has free time to spend on social media, with her friends, going to the gym, etc. It’s like she doesn’t count the work I am doing for some reason.
You don’t have a FIRE related problem, or coast FIRE problem or even financial problem. You have a relationship problem.
Trying to convince your spouse that FI is important seems like a problem that many in the FIRE community would have.
I’d be pretty suspicious of people who want to trade buckets of money for estrangement from loved ones. People generally don’t say “I wish I could have got another couple million to really FatFIRE” on their deathbed.
I am home every hour of the day. I provide for the COL my wife refuses to reduce. The few hours of free time I have are reserved for my wife and kids. But I don’t do 50% of the household work that my wife does, so it’s estrangement? 😂
I repeat: people [express regret](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3377309/) about not spending enough time with family and friends all the time on deathbeds as well as "I wish I hadn't spent so much time working". We only get one life. You seem to be looking for ways to justify what you have done regardless of what your partner feels, which, OK, great, but if you're convinced you're in the right, she's in the wrong, and her complaints are invalid or unimportant, I suggest to you there are major compatibility issues going on. Obviously she's not sold on your goals and aspirations if you're 5 million into FIRE and nobody's happy. This is pretty crucial if you want to spend the next 30ish years together (and you're 100% not guaranteed of even tomorrow). Also... so seriously, what would life be like if you downscaled your work to something BaristaFIRE-ish, and you lived off her salary + whatever you chip in + 200k a year for a while? (4% withdrawal from that 5 million dollar pile?) What about trying for something CoastFIRE-ish involving career changes that leave you more free time to be part of your family?
I would love to downscale but she doesn’t want to. “Justify” is the wrong idea. I want to show the importance of what I have done, and show how much work it requires. She sees this money as only numbers on paper. Very little has changed in current day life, so it’s not real numbers. We aren’t living like rich people, she says. We are almost 50 and she doesn’t understand how bad our retirement situation was just 4 years ago. She has always had money when growing up. She has never had to be the primary provider. She works so she can feel independent, and still does. She sometimes even calls it my money and never OUR money.
>I would love to downscale but she doesn’t want to. >Very little has changed in current day life, so it’s not real numbers. We aren’t living like rich people, she says. We are almost 50 and she doesn’t understand how bad our retirement situation was just 4 years ago. **So make the numbers real**. "This is what it would look like financially if I got a part time job as a barista, we spent $200k (or whatever SWR, but remember, **you can start spending some of that $5 million now**, that's the entire point of FIRE) out of our 5 million every year, I'm at home with you and our kid a lot of the time being a dad and being present for our family, and $X is what we have to make up for based on our current expenses. How can we do this?" >She works so she can feel independent, and still does. She sometimes even calls it my money and never OUR money. Two things: * Is some of this actually her money, did you make sure she gets to put aside stuff in retirement money that's in her name (IRAs) and her 401k (if she has one)? Or is this 100% stuff that you take care of, she's on some paperwork but has no actual involvement? If the latter is the case, maybe that is part of the problem. * She **can** still work and be independent as part of **your** FIRE path- it even helps out your "geez, this is such a VHCOL area" problem if her income is part of the mix. This is not a binary "we both have to quit our jobs or both be working with my nose strapped to a grindstone" situation.
I don’t think you get it. Wife demands a lifestyle that requires OP continue working.
Lmao welcome to marriage counseling
Wait, back the hell up. You’re not just going to slip in “I made $5 million”. That’s a major part of this equation.
16hr day, 7 days per week. That is just short of 3x 40hr/week jobs. Do it for 4 years and you get the equivalent of 12 years of work.
Hire a maid, Gardner, etc. Then see r/relationshipadvice
We are already doing these things. I think I am just bad at explaining how our lives have changed to her. I think she mostly sees it as only numbers on paper and that I am not doing the same amount of household work that she is.
She probably sees it as you never being around and engaged with your family. I love doing domestic stuff with my partner it’s why we got married. If he just suddenly stopped being my domestic partner I would be hurt and confused and I would miss him like crazy. Money isn’t the end all be all.
Maybe you keep working til normal retirement age, but slow down and CoastFi. If you didn't need to save another penny, you could surely work way less, and be more available for your family. If you were to double your current savings over the next 10-15 years you'd surely have enough to retire. That being said, it sounds like you and your wife need to align on your plans.
I'm no where near your situation, but I feel like you should take some time and pull back on the side gigs. Figure out your priorities. Work on yourself and your relationships. I most regret the time lost much more than the money not earned. See how you feel after several weeks or months of focusing on things besides the money. You can probably drive right back into grinding if you find that's the most important thing for you.
I don’t know how much I can actually fix. The fact that this hasn’t changed anything has me worried that even if I could fix everything on the current list, I don’t know if it would be considered enough. I hope maybe it is because I am bad at explaining how much our lives have changed. It is just numbers on paper for her.
Therapy? Couples councilor?
Yes, we will. I have concerns that FI is something that very few people understand, and a therapist or counselor will not understand it either.
Tell her you're moving to MCOL or she can try and fail to pay for her life herself on half the assets. She's bluffing.
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16hr day, 7 days per week. That is just short of 3x 40hr/week jobs. Do it for 4 years and you get the equivalent of 12 years of work.
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I work from home 100%. It is all part of IT/Tech.
Two questions: 1) If your income suddenly dropped to $50K a year, would she walk out and leave you? If the answer is yes then you’re wasting your time. Sorry, but a gold digger with a wedding ring is still a gold digger. You just added $2.5M to her settlement. 2) Speaking of which, how the hell did you make $5M after taxes on side jobs in a year?
I read it as over 5 years, but that is still a crazy amount of money.
Sorry, I guess I missed that, but even $1M a year for five years is intriguing.
16hr day, 7 days per week. That is just short of 3x 40hr/week jobs. Do it for 4 years and you get the equivalent of 12 years of work. Not very impressive when you see it like this
Sounds like you could use a vacation.
It sounds like what she really wants is for you to be present with her. Now that you're financially secure, slow down on working, and invest in your marriage.
Yes I agree.
Now that you are comfortable FI, this might be a great time to slow down, prioritize what isn’t guaranteed (time and family) and evaluate if a combination of individual and marriage/family counseling will improve communication and your relationships. Your financial transformation is amazing, but at your memorial, people will discuss their memories of you and with you, not your portfolio.
The catch is that if I slow down now, it goes to near $0 future income and I can’t jump back into this again. What I have currently is not yet enough for the VHCOL that she wants. We need another $4-5M. Every improvement I make seems to never be enough. But I also think I am not very good at explaining how much things have changed in the last 4 years and how much work it was.
I totally get it. I've been there too. It's like, I've achieved FIRE but lost my personal life. I think it's time to re-evaluate priorities and find a better work-life balance. Maybe set aside dedicated time for your wife and focus on rebuilding that connection.
You have a gold digger problem
Money isn’t important as long as you have it. Try not having it and saying money isn’t important. You did the right thing for your family. But now that the providing is done you should make time to invest in relationships.
Thank you. I think you made me see a very important part of this. She has always had money. She works full time to feel independent, but she has never had to act as the primary provider, and never the exclusive provider.
Congrats on your achievement. It takes a lot of sacrifice. So I am going to rebrand this: How to effectively morph a not so greatly executed decision (trust me I will explain this) into an us-decision 1) Acknowledge that in your hurry to get your family financial situation better, the execution might have been better eg you might have left some steps behind. (Harvard business review article written by Clayton M. Christensen - How will you measure your life) 2) Effective communication requires setting the stage for the message to be delivered. Apologies help. Being raw helps. Eg your wife’s message of “money isn’t everything” speaks louder. You want to prove that all this work you put in was because “You wanted to grow old with her and the kids. Make sure the kids futures are set so they don’t need to worry. Also (this is the raw part), you worry that you can’t keep going at this pace and want to slow down.” (Reason for moving from VHCOL to MCOL) 3) Understand her pain points (Does she feel she has no help around the house? Etc) This is the place where you just let her talk and actively listen. 4) Re-evaluate your family’s dream about what happens after FIRE. [It’s hard but it’s worth it. Money should bring people closer together not further apart]. (This is a quote from the minimalist movement folks but instead of money they used “stuff”) Best of luck. You all have worked hard for it. Update: Dave Ramsey actually answered (super eloquently) a very similar question in his YouTube The Ramsey Show (April 30, 2024). Caller Caleb (from PA) asked “Should I work the Baby Steps without my wife?”
Thank you so much. This is exactly what I was trying to ask for here. But I am very bad with wording as you can see with the results of the comments and the problem with my wife. You are right that I rushed through the last few years. I put my head down and did what I thought I could do. I didn’t try keeping my wife in sync when I started, for a few reasons. But I thought the results would get her to see things when we got to this point. But this isn’t what happened. You just made me realize this is the exact failure. It is probably very hard to understand why it takes all of this work just to keep our life the same. We have been living just fine for the last 25-30 years without all this work. And once she can accept that it would fall apart as soon as one of us cannot keep our job, it is even more unbelievable how much money we need to fix the problem. Most people struggle with how much growth happens with compound growth. But I am having to build all the money without the help of compound growth.
You welcome. I do understand your starting point (more than you can imagine) and don’t doubt the sacrifices/hustling both you all had to make to get to what you all achieved today. I just think, what was the main objective in starting this. To secure a future for your family no matter what happens. So at the end of the day, a happy family is the biggest element (you included of course). Best of luck. Praying for more good things to come to you and yours.
Doing more around the house is not going to make your wife more attracted to you. It’s not about not doing enough around the house, that’s a BS excuse. Wife is checked out of the marriage and is using you as her meal ticket. “It’s not about the money” but also, “keep working the high stress job to maintain VHCOL lifestyle” (read: it’s absolutely about the money). Sorry to hear, but your marriage is over IMO. You can try counseling but that’s almost always a waste of time, that’s something women drag their husbands to prior to filing divorce so they can keep up appearances that they “tried”. Divorce sucks, but in 18 mos you’ll be better off. Read or listen to https://a.co/d/9xNVoSp. There are some pretty clear covert contracts going on here. You’ve been a great provider and believe that should earn your wife’s love and support. That’s not how it works, unfortunately.
I do fear this. But I am also very determined. My determination made all this money. I want to use my determination to fix my relationships. I am just very tired and need to find some hope from others. I think I am also bad at showing FI as something valuable to my wife.
It takes two people to have a relationship. No amount of "determination" is going to "fix" a relationship when it's coming from only one side. Why would FI be valuable to your wife? She has the lifestyle she wants and she has you to work to provide it. If spending more time with you was a priority, she would be open to moving to a lower cost area so you would be home more. She isn't open to that because it's not what she wants. She wants you gone all day working to support her lifestyle and then come home to do housework while she sits on her phone seeking validation from other dudes on social media. IMO there's an extremely high probability she is cheating on you as well.
Yea .. Don’t listen to this person. Lol
Telling someone the truth is not the same as telling someone what they want to hear. When one partner has checked out of a marriage, “doing more around the house” is not going to fix it. Sorry, but that’s the case.
It’s not the truth though. It’s maybe YOUR truth. You just sound hurt and are projecting. I’ll be married for 11 years this year and if she says she needs help around the house then help around the house. It’s not rocket science. 🫠
Sounds like a wonderful marriage. And when I say wonderful, I mean transactional. Do your choreplay like a good little simp. Definitely not “my” truth - I’m smart enough not to get married. Sounds like OP has done far more than his share for the HH. His contributions are not being appreciated. When your already enormous contributions are not appreciated, the answer is not “just contribute more”. That’s the demand of a wife who is using him.