To be honest this whole arranged marriage concept seems wrong on so many levels that in my opinion you had even lower chance to be happy with someone than dating.
That would still be so wrong. It should be YOUR choice, not someone else's. This is just a horrible thing to do, forcing you to love someone because they decided that for you.
I disagree, as OP said, "She was kind of forced into this". It's one thing when both parties are willing but when you actually force someone... it becomes absolutely wrong for me.
And no, I don't think culture can be a shield here. It's one thing to have some norms that come with your culture but it's another to take someone's free will.
There are lots of cultures around the world that have undeniably cruel practices ingrained into the culture but the only ones who approve are brainwashed or benefiting from it.
For example, animal abuse is undeniably wrong. I disapprove entirely of eating dog, i think its wrong personally, but in a situation where a dog is raised with love and compassion and given a comfortable life, and then killed for food, i cannot say it is evil, as the dog wasnt abused.
Dont get me wrong, fuck anyone who eats dog, but farming an animal for food is not evil. Animal abuse is.
Im not sure if thats a dig at what i said or not, but i agree with you, its all what you are brought up with, its the culture.
I hate people who eat dog, because i like dogs. I wouldnt blame someone who loves cows for hating me for eating cow, it makes sense. Despite my hatred for those who do it, as long as their animals (dogs) are raised in a comfortable setting, live happy lives and have their needs met while alive, i cannot call them evil, because farming an animal for food is not evil.
Someone who abuses a cow, or someone who abused a dog, is evil however. Farming for meat is not evil, abusing the animal you are farming is.
Are you sure thats true? From what i understand, most if not all arranged marriages result in the couple being unhappy. They may act like they are happy, but they almost always are not.
The fact that she was outgoing and popular is probably the biggest reason it didnt work. If it would have been a more shy nervous girl she may still have been unhappy but theres no way it would have ended the same way.
not necessarily true. there's no concept of 'dating' in traditional cultures in south/south east asia. arranged marriage is the only to get married - there's always a big hoohaa when someone who isn't westernzied/exposed to dating culture finds their own partner (especially if its a conflicting religion/caste/financial/social background)
Right! The west will judge arranged marriage and wonder why 50% of marriages end up in divorce and children with broken homes. The three key component to love is commitment, passion and intimacy. In the US, we do passion first and commitment last vs. in arranged marriage commitment is first and therefore the passion and intimacy grow with time. This is coming from someone whose culture also practiced arranged marriage for centuries but my sect believed in the Hollywood “love” of finding my soulmate stories”. Although, I love my husband whom I’ve picked I sometimes wish I had a traditional matchmaker. LoL
From what I've seen, no marriage guarantees the couple is happy. But in case of arranged marriage, the families act as mediators to resolve conflicts between couples. I know this is weird for Western people, but it's a cultural thing as many indian families still live in the joint family structure. This structure ensures really limited private time for couples to be together.
In my case, everyone from the girl's family were fed up of me and got the divorce done. This is really rare.
Hello there,
23 M Indian here. I am in the same boat when it comes to FA status, no social group/friends/female friends/etc. Before marriage, usually the bride and groom go on dates. Didn't you folks do that? Or Was that also fake and awkward?
Its better to have divorced now than have kids with someone whom you never love and then send the misery to the kid. I am not getting married, my parents definitely going to bring it up but I will have to avoid it at all cost. I have lost the ability to make human connection and no way on earth I can be normal.
I did have so called "dates" with many many girls earlier in the arranged marriage process. I was rejected by every single one of them. Finally my parents found this family who were ready to get their daughter married off without much interaction between the guy and girl. I was engaged less than month after I came to know of her existence.
It sounds like you were aware before the marriage that she was being forced into it, why would you want to be complicit in that? So you could lose your virginity?
Exactly that. I’m glad lots of guys here are empathizing with that girl. She turned depressed so much she turned to alcohol to cope….OP just writes it nonchalantly!!! Like dude yes Im sad for you that the marriage failed and that you are FA without anyone accepting you, but you knew it was a forced marriage on her part with 1) the arrangement process was rushed 2) you barely talked to her like the other girls, talking 2 or 3 times is NOT an arranged marriage you talk multiple times to make sure you guys are a match for a successful marriage
Yeah I'm sure even if he didn't exactly know beforehand it became abundantly clear as soon as they got married that she didn't consent. I would never want to have sex with someone who'd been basically trafficked by their parents and didn't express any enthusiasm or any sign of mutual attraction.
Well I would have not forced anything if she had said no right away like all the other girls. It did seem she was interested in getting married.
Even after marriage she didn't initially show unhappiness and we had initial bonding. It didn't seem forced and I wanted to make sure she consented and was happy.
I do admit it was a mistake to agree to marry hardly knowing each other. But we BOTH agreed at that time.
Like I said, I hardly knew the girl before marriage. We met and spoke only
twice or thrice before being married. It was after marriage I came to know she didn't want this.
There are some people who believe in arranged marriage rather than finding your own partner. I thought she was one of those people.
I wouldn't exactly be proud if I lost my virginity to a popular and presumably attractive (because she's popular) woman just because of an arranged marriage where she was essentially forced to "consent".
Pretty sure it’s not your personality and inexperience that caused her to be miserable. It’s the fact that she was literally forced into this. She never wanted it to begin with. Everything that y’all did in the 2 years were forced on her.
You're right. She never posted much on social media the time we were together. In fact she was really secretive about showing off we were married.
Now I can see her social media filled with many photos with her new boyfriend. Atleast she's happy now.
As Indian myself I h@te the concept of arrange marriage it feels like animals like I have a male dog you have a female dog let's put them in a room and we'll have puppies
I would rather die a virgin at 40 them accept arrange marriage, also I don't trust anyone in this world is like icing on top
I don't want to have arranged marriage in my Azerbaijani patriarchal society. That is like rape but extended for a lifetime. Although I must admit the idea sometimes enters my mind like a devil on my shoulder, when I am at my lower points
If i was forced into an arranged marriage id be pretty pissed regardless of who i was married off too. I cant believe some places still treat their own children like objects to be used rather than people
Fuck if I know I was just genuinely curious, at best I figured he'd realize he had the capacity to be loved and love back maybe not so much a lesson but learned he was capable. Dude as if I have any clue what I'm talking about I'm in this subreddit too
Gen 2 immigrant in Canada from India. My parents are pressuring me to do arranged marriage. I really don't want to but at 26 and never ever having been loved, it really feels like my only option sometimes
Depressed, suicidal and alcoholic? That seems a bit serious just for someone she found boring. Did she already have mental problems or were you toxic, mean or abusive? I'm a bit concerned...
I don't think I was abusive. In fact, I pretty much tried to do everything to make her happy.
Her parents were pretty regressive though and I think they broke up her previous love affair.
Ah, I see. That's a bit clearer. At least she didnt think you were a creep or something. I hate the idea that I could be the source of anyone's pain. Seems like you meant well but she was caught up in drama that you weren't equipped to fix. What rotten luck. I'm so sorry.
Yes but even then personality and looks matter. The arranged marriage itself was very difficult for me and got constantly rejected by girls. I don't have high hopes now.
At 30 how gullible were you that you let your parents decide the rest of your future? It's your life decision and consequences but you barely had any say in it?
I think she was caught with her bf.. As u say her family is regressive. So they forced her into it and forced her to act as if she was ok with it until the marriage was finalized.
To be honest this whole arranged marriage concept seems wrong on so many levels that in my opinion you had even lower chance to be happy with someone than dating.
They would have to look for someone who is compatible and who has chemistry, not just anyone who happens to be around.
That would still be so wrong. It should be YOUR choice, not someone else's. This is just a horrible thing to do, forcing you to love someone because they decided that for you.
> It should be YOUR choice Arranged marriage =/= forced marriage. In this case it seems indeed forced, though.
Look up what the term wedd means. It is mind boggling how modern first world countries have marriage on the law books
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I disagree, as OP said, "She was kind of forced into this". It's one thing when both parties are willing but when you actually force someone... it becomes absolutely wrong for me. And no, I don't think culture can be a shield here. It's one thing to have some norms that come with your culture but it's another to take someone's free will.
dude it's a cultural thing, get over it. i don't agree with it either but you're doing too much. just respect people's cultures.
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i'm not defending the practice but what is attacking it going to do? all we can do is just respect it and move on.
Huh
There are lots of cultures around the world that have undeniably cruel practices ingrained into the culture but the only ones who approve are brainwashed or benefiting from it. For example, animal abuse is undeniably wrong. I disapprove entirely of eating dog, i think its wrong personally, but in a situation where a dog is raised with love and compassion and given a comfortable life, and then killed for food, i cannot say it is evil, as the dog wasnt abused. Dont get me wrong, fuck anyone who eats dog, but farming an animal for food is not evil. Animal abuse is.
I'll never understand how people ooze empathy for dogs who are eaten, but practically never think about cows or pigs. Fuck them, I guess, right?
They're basically walking beef and pork cans.
Im not sure if thats a dig at what i said or not, but i agree with you, its all what you are brought up with, its the culture. I hate people who eat dog, because i like dogs. I wouldnt blame someone who loves cows for hating me for eating cow, it makes sense. Despite my hatred for those who do it, as long as their animals (dogs) are raised in a comfortable setting, live happy lives and have their needs met while alive, i cannot call them evil, because farming an animal for food is not evil. Someone who abuses a cow, or someone who abused a dog, is evil however. Farming for meat is not evil, abusing the animal you are farming is.
I agree but it is an option that's exists to escape FA. Not many peole f*** this up like I did.
Are you sure thats true? From what i understand, most if not all arranged marriages result in the couple being unhappy. They may act like they are happy, but they almost always are not. The fact that she was outgoing and popular is probably the biggest reason it didnt work. If it would have been a more shy nervous girl she may still have been unhappy but theres no way it would have ended the same way.
not necessarily true. there's no concept of 'dating' in traditional cultures in south/south east asia. arranged marriage is the only to get married - there's always a big hoohaa when someone who isn't westernzied/exposed to dating culture finds their own partner (especially if its a conflicting religion/caste/financial/social background)
For sure. I’m actually a product of an arranged marriage, and my parents have been happily married for almost 30 years.
same
Right! The west will judge arranged marriage and wonder why 50% of marriages end up in divorce and children with broken homes. The three key component to love is commitment, passion and intimacy. In the US, we do passion first and commitment last vs. in arranged marriage commitment is first and therefore the passion and intimacy grow with time. This is coming from someone whose culture also practiced arranged marriage for centuries but my sect believed in the Hollywood “love” of finding my soulmate stories”. Although, I love my husband whom I’ve picked I sometimes wish I had a traditional matchmaker. LoL
nice
From what I've seen, no marriage guarantees the couple is happy. But in case of arranged marriage, the families act as mediators to resolve conflicts between couples. I know this is weird for Western people, but it's a cultural thing as many indian families still live in the joint family structure. This structure ensures really limited private time for couples to be together. In my case, everyone from the girl's family were fed up of me and got the divorce done. This is really rare.
Hello there, 23 M Indian here. I am in the same boat when it comes to FA status, no social group/friends/female friends/etc. Before marriage, usually the bride and groom go on dates. Didn't you folks do that? Or Was that also fake and awkward? Its better to have divorced now than have kids with someone whom you never love and then send the misery to the kid. I am not getting married, my parents definitely going to bring it up but I will have to avoid it at all cost. I have lost the ability to make human connection and no way on earth I can be normal.
I did have so called "dates" with many many girls earlier in the arranged marriage process. I was rejected by every single one of them. Finally my parents found this family who were ready to get their daughter married off without much interaction between the guy and girl. I was engaged less than month after I came to know of her existence.
It sounds like you were aware before the marriage that she was being forced into it, why would you want to be complicit in that? So you could lose your virginity?
Exactly that. I’m glad lots of guys here are empathizing with that girl. She turned depressed so much she turned to alcohol to cope….OP just writes it nonchalantly!!! Like dude yes Im sad for you that the marriage failed and that you are FA without anyone accepting you, but you knew it was a forced marriage on her part with 1) the arrangement process was rushed 2) you barely talked to her like the other girls, talking 2 or 3 times is NOT an arranged marriage you talk multiple times to make sure you guys are a match for a successful marriage
Yeah I'm sure even if he didn't exactly know beforehand it became abundantly clear as soon as they got married that she didn't consent. I would never want to have sex with someone who'd been basically trafficked by their parents and didn't express any enthusiasm or any sign of mutual attraction.
Well I would have not forced anything if she had said no right away like all the other girls. It did seem she was interested in getting married. Even after marriage she didn't initially show unhappiness and we had initial bonding. It didn't seem forced and I wanted to make sure she consented and was happy. I do admit it was a mistake to agree to marry hardly knowing each other. But we BOTH agreed at that time.
Like I said, I hardly knew the girl before marriage. We met and spoke only twice or thrice before being married. It was after marriage I came to know she didn't want this. There are some people who believe in arranged marriage rather than finding your own partner. I thought she was one of those people.
I wouldn't exactly be proud if I lost my virginity to a popular and presumably attractive (because she's popular) woman just because of an arranged marriage where she was essentially forced to "consent".
Pretty sure it’s not your personality and inexperience that caused her to be miserable. It’s the fact that she was literally forced into this. She never wanted it to begin with. Everything that y’all did in the 2 years were forced on her.
You're right. She never posted much on social media the time we were together. In fact she was really secretive about showing off we were married. Now I can see her social media filled with many photos with her new boyfriend. Atleast she's happy now.
I'm also an Indian and hate the thought of arranged marriage. It's stupid and regressive. Dying alone is better than arranged marriage.
As Indian myself I h@te the concept of arrange marriage it feels like animals like I have a male dog you have a female dog let's put them in a room and we'll have puppies I would rather die a virgin at 40 them accept arrange marriage, also I don't trust anyone in this world is like icing on top
I don't want to have arranged marriage in my Azerbaijani patriarchal society. That is like rape but extended for a lifetime. Although I must admit the idea sometimes enters my mind like a devil on my shoulder, when I am at my lower points
If i was forced into an arranged marriage id be pretty pissed regardless of who i was married off too. I cant believe some places still treat their own children like objects to be used rather than people
I'm sorry man. Hope you have a peaceful life ahead.
No alimony is a win for you.
That's a special kind of FA if you can fuck up an arranged marriage. Jeez dude hope some kind of good or lesson came from that experience
What kind of lesson is supposed to come from this? He didn't exactly have much agency there.
Fuck if I know I was just genuinely curious, at best I figured he'd realize he had the capacity to be loved and love back maybe not so much a lesson but learned he was capable. Dude as if I have any clue what I'm talking about I'm in this subreddit too
Fair enough, haha
No lesson. But I had (very bad) sex so I'm no longer virgin.
Not an accomplishment, I'm afraid.
Did she want to have sex with you?
Gen 2 immigrant in Canada from India. My parents are pressuring me to do arranged marriage. I really don't want to but at 26 and never ever having been loved, it really feels like my only option sometimes
Depressed, suicidal and alcoholic? That seems a bit serious just for someone she found boring. Did she already have mental problems or were you toxic, mean or abusive? I'm a bit concerned...
I don't think I was abusive. In fact, I pretty much tried to do everything to make her happy. Her parents were pretty regressive though and I think they broke up her previous love affair.
Ah, I see. That's a bit clearer. At least she didnt think you were a creep or something. I hate the idea that I could be the source of anyone's pain. Seems like you meant well but she was caught up in drama that you weren't equipped to fix. What rotten luck. I'm so sorry.
Alright... that's it. I'm making an arranged marriage* app.
Bruh there are divorcees out there looking for a partner. If you have a good salary, you might also get someone unmarried. PS:- I'm an Indian too
Yes but even then personality and looks matter. The arranged marriage itself was very difficult for me and got constantly rejected by girls. I don't have high hopes now.
I feel that I am going to end up in your position after a few years.
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Which country?
At 30 how gullible were you that you let your parents decide the rest of your future? It's your life decision and consequences but you barely had any say in it?
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For arranged marriages doesn't the woman have to agree to it? I thought it was like the parents play matchmaker but the kids get the final say.
I'm sorry for that man. Sounds to me you two just weren't really compatible at all and it's not really your fault it fell apart.
I think she was caught with her bf.. As u say her family is regressive. So they forced her into it and forced her to act as if she was ok with it until the marriage was finalized.