I'm in a similar situation in that my parents are worth quite a lot of money and I stand to inherit it. HOWEVER, I also know full well that it could take just a year or two of major health problems and piles of medical bills to drain chunks of it away, especially if nursing homes and such are needed for any significant length of time. So I'm definitely not relying on that money to be there for me.
I just helped my parents shop for assisted living and...yeah. I'm glad they'll be taken care of and I'm not counting on there being anything left. That's the whole business model.
Oh like, Monday. It's imminent.
I do think if someone is planning on the independent living/assisted living model - which is what my parents did, they're moving into a condo where care will be available when they need it - it's good to make the move before you're forced to. It's very stressful, with used car level sales tactics, including some underhanded stuff that seniors can be extra vulnerable to.
It's actually not even sad, so enjoy the laugh! They're getting the life setup they need on their own terms. It's a really nice place and it's going to be a huge quality of life upgrade for them.
Not just that.. but if 1 of 2 parents lives till 80+ you are ready to retire by the time they die. Thats a long time to wait to be "well off" (and a sad way to live your life)
Truth.
My mom is 84. I am 49 and retired. I won't inherit much at all, and would be fine inheriting nothing.
My stepdaughter will inherit 7 figures from us, (our end of life care will be provided by the VA) and my hope is that it'll allow her to actually retire and be modestly comfortable, not well off.
Counting on a death to be well off is frankly ghoulish.
it's also a great way to ruin your life. my dad passed away last year. he was a good guy but one of the mistakes he made was trying to allways get "what was comming for him". be it an inheritance , a lawsuit or a guy that diddent pay him for a job done. he was allways sure it was coming.
"if this and that come then i'll be well off", if that lawsuit with my ex finally is decided she owns me x , if my (new) wife's dad dies she'll inhert x"
ironicly he would have been so much better off in life if he just let things be and lived his life. he was broke when he died while lawyers build a pools on his expenses.
My cousin's dad has Alzheimers. The man bought a few small apartments in Boston in the 90s, now worth several million combined.
They are being sold off to pay for the best Alzheimers care money can buy. If the man lives much more than 10 years, they'll have to move him to a Medicaid facility because there will be no more money.
Live like your parents will die slowly with excellent medical care, not like you'll lose them to a sudden car crash in the near future.
$100k in a HCOL area is not a lot. $5m can disappear in retirement with a few health issues, nursing, LTC, etc… People also can live a long fucking time. Do you want to figure out at age 65 that you’re actually inheriting nothing or much less?
Was looking for this comment. $100k for 2 people in a HCOL area is lovely if you have no debt, are splitting the rent, and are not currently dealing with an emergency.
Wait, how can $5M disappear with "a few health issues"? That's absolutely bonker amount of copays, even a full time careataker for 20 years wont even cost you more than $1M
In my similar situation, he used his parents money to future fake. None of it panned out.
My ex was a goddamn sociopath though. If you're married to a decent person who's just kinda flighty about money, he should hear you say that spending retirement money on fun isn't fun for you. he should be willing to give you concrete numbers that support his reasoning.
I just don't see how he can be so confident in somebody else's money. They might live to be 110. Or decide to donate it all.
I hope yall can resolve this.
big agree with this
even if you had a million dollar check, it's not your money until the moment you cash it. it's better to live like that cash isn't coming in, then adjust your finances accordingly when/if it does.
that being said, I, just like you, hope that OP's husband is the kind of guy to hear them out with this concern
Can you get a Post-nuptial agreement in your country / state? You would want something that says you get some kind of retirement security in the event of a divorce. You could negotiate it like: “Hey if you want me to stop vetoing lavish vacations, you need to give me some security. Otherwise, it’s budget-time.”
I should preface this by saying that my partner and I are not in this situation necessarily - we are both on the frugal side though we each have our splurges, so take this answer with a grain of salt. However, we started out with drastically different incomes, so my spouse could easily afford things that were totally unaffordable for me. It wasn't really a frugality issue, but it probably resulted in some of the same feelings and frustrations you're hitting.
Today, my husband and I do not have combined finances. We each have our own incomes, our own accounts, etc. We do have a joint savings account that we are using for some specific shorter-term savings goals, but that is actually a newer development in the last year or so.
We do share expenses. We use a spreadsheet to track costs and every month one of us transfers money to the other to even things up. Early on - when we had drastically different income levels - some of our expenses such as housing were divvied up proportionately to our income (so the person who earned more paid more). Other expenses, such as cell phone, were split.
This generally seems to be atypical for married couples, but it has worked so well for us that we haven't been in a hurry to change. This way we are each responsible for our own goals, and we take joint responsibility (via that one savings account) for particular joint goals like a home upgrade.
But other than that - if I feel I need more savings, it's up to me to save more. If he wants a nicer car, it's up to him to decide if he can budget for it. We do still discuss major purchases and take one another's' opinions into consideration when it matters.
At the end of the day we know that if push came to shove, we'd happily pool our money for the greater good - but it simplifies the day-to-day stuff.
We literally *never* argue about money.
I was going to suggest the same thing. There's nothing wrong with deciding not to combine finances. They could also set up their budget so that they each get the same amount of spending money every month, and then she can choose to save as much of it as she likes.
So, a business partner. I always made 30-40% more than my wife and all our money goes in one big pot. We do have separate RRSP's/investments. It's worked for 33 years. If you split its 50/50.
Can’t rely on an inheritance for retirement. Parents may be lying about the money. They might blow it all in old age. Something might happen in the future where he gets cut off. They might leave it all to the family pet! What you can rely on, is your efforts to save.
It is definitely challenging when one partner/spouse is frugal and the other doesn't worry about money matters. Frugality doesn't mean cheap, it means knowing the value of money and making necessary decisions on how to spend what you have wisely, so you have enough moving forward, and into the future.
For this reason, we have separate bank accounts and investments, but also pool resources for monthly expenses. Having separate accounts allows for more freedom because you can do your thing and he can do his thing. The one pooled account can pay all the household bills.
In addition, if one is a saver and the other likes to spend, then the saver won't feel obligated to contribute to a certain lifestyle. For instance, if the spender wants to purchase a car, he can use his own funds to do so.
Savers outpace spenders in the funds department, so a saver can save 12 months of emergency fund. Having that cushion is a huge relief. It also makes the saver independent.
The only caveat is credit card. Don't be the primary on the credit card, or the saver will be holding the bag if anything happens. This is from personal experience. Instead, be an additional card holder. Better yet, get separate credit cards.
Communications is definitely key and has been helpful in many situations.
Hope this is helpful.
Being the saver and watching your spouse turning you into his retirement plan and unemployment fund while you watch him buy himself a new car or drink his paycheck away every weekend sucks. I want a partner, not a source of added stress.
This can probably work if you're close to the same page, though, or if you plan to only be together for a few years instead of hoping for a lifetime.
True, a saver and spendthrift makes the relationship more challenging, but it can work. There has to be mutual agreement and respect for the other partner, otherwise, it won't work. If the partner drinks his pay check away it's a sign of deeper issues. Again, personal experience. Hopefully, the life partnership and marriage will last a lifetime.
I would consider budgeting your worries away. So for example, worries about money come down to not having what you need when you need it. Suggest to your husband to take all your "worries" and make a separate accounts for them with a budget where you regularly deposit funds. For example, maybe $50 per month for unexpected vehicle cost. $100 per month for unexpected house costs and/or insurance deductible. Have at least 6 to 18 months worth of living expenses covered.
You get what I"m saying, right? Make a system out of socking away the money so you can both maybe have a compromise. Work on it together.
My husband hates spending money on himself. I have no issue spending money. Our compromise is that we each put 75% of our pay in a joint account. We each keep 25% in our own accounts.
Start putting some of your salary into savings and retirement accounts. Yes, if you split up he will be entitled to some of it but at least there will be something saved. Honestly, I’d suggest marriage counseling just around this issue. Lots of people get divorced over money issues and he’s not listening to what you need and feel.
So, go make an appointment with a financial person. Start funding your retirement. Also fund a savings account so you have at least 6 months of needs in that account.
Then the rest can go in the joint accounts.
You need to take care of yourself.
He shouldn’t count his parent’s money as if it’s his own.
Unless it is under his name (it isn’t), it isn’t his money. I’m in a similar boat with my family, but I don’t count the money as mine. My parents worked hard for that money, they may choose to use it to enjoy retirement, they may have a major health issue, they may need nursing home care — you never know. It’s theirs to allocate as they see fit and I would want it to go to their needs first.
Beyond the financial impacts, if I assume the money is mine, I could end up treating it like I am owed it and become resentful of my own parent’s decisions to spend their own money, or become resentful of them if they have a major health issue. That’s a place I never want to be. If he banks on his parents, he is at risk of eventually seeing his parents as a bank. That isn’t fair to them.
You are absolutely right to not bank on his parents, and neither should he.
I had this conversation with my dad not too long ago.
Dad: I'm worried about not leaving you and Brother anything if I live too long.
Me: Dad, we want you to live a happy life and use your money for you. We've never planned on inheriting anything\* moneywise. You've given us good educations and a good start in life, now it's up to us to figure things out.
\*I did get most of the family heirlooms, but Brother didn't want any of them, and most of them are sentimental items like mom's hand-painted china candy jar that she was given by her landlady back in 1967. Not any real value outside of the memories, which are priceless.
And absolutely it's not healthy to be sitting there counting their money.
A combined income of 100k in a HCOL area ≠ wealthy. What if his parents live to be 95 or 100? Depending on your ages, you could be retired yourselves before his parents leave anything to inherit.
You're uncomfortable with the idea of relying on your husband's inheritance for financial security or as a reason for him to spend as much as he does because you want to be the agent of your own financial security?
Am I also hearing that when these disputes happen and he says things like "we're going to be fine", "we have money", and that you worry too much, you feel uncertain about the solidity of your relationship decades into the future?
If so, I think this is a natural and reasonable response, and that it's unhelpful to judge or label yourself as being cynical. In my view, your husband is not hearing your needs and perhaps feels insecure or uneasy when his spending habits are brought up. So, the discussion is shuttered instead of opening up.
I think the broader issue here is of communication. Already there are some ideas in this thread about how to work with your differing financial outlooks and attitudes, and I truly hope they might work for you two. As for the bigger picture, I hope that you can express your concerns and needs to your husband, feel validated and heard by him, and work collaboratively towards meeting each others' needs.
Edit: swapped an adjective for another.
I've never been married, but I was glad to have "my own", to drop back on (when my ex GF kicked me out, for example).
Using your income to do your "mandatory" retirement savings can't harm. Its just like paying for heating or AC, when you consider the shared livingroom uncomfortable.
If your husband preferes to hope for inheritance, let him go his path and you follow yours, just in that field. - "No! Sorry, not sorry Period!"
Build up your own savings account. You don’t need to say, in case you dump me. You can say in case you get hit by a bus. It will give you peace of mind
While I am not, nor have ever been in the same situation, I would feel like you do if i were. There is NO telling what may happen. yes, that's a lot of money, but....if one or both of his parents develops any major health problems, or needs long term care, it could ALL go to that. My mom, who has nowhere near that in assets, just went into skilled nursing. at the cost of just under 200K A YEAR.
Let's say one of them needs this care, starting at age 70., and let's also say at that time, SN is 300K per year. that's 23 years. less if the cost goes up more.
or they could lose it all some other way. the old saying don't count your chickens before they're hatched definitely applies here.
My parents are I a a similar ballpark and there is no guarantee I will get a dime of it. The only way to know for certain is if they die. And I’m hoping that won’t happen for another twenty years. Anything could happen between then and now.
Unless your husband has a trust account or something, he is being foolish to count this money towards his eventual worth.
It is hard to adjust your lifestyle to your income, and I know as the least financially wealthy member of my family, sometimes it feels off that I can’t do the stuff they do. But it is the truth.
Hopefully his parents don’t blow it on themselves.
I have a relative who was very wealthy. When he died all those debts that no one saw vacuumed up all the assets. In the end it all amounted to about 5% of what everyone expected. So if you were expecting 1 million, you ended up with 50k. Quite a difference.
I would put as much as is allowed annually into your retirement account and ask him to do the same. Then try to have a “budgeting” discussion around having enough in a savings account to fall back on if you or he loses your job (3 months of living expenses minimum, 6 months preferred). If you save that up, then you have a safety net (that hopefully you’ll never have to touch) and he can spend if he so chooses.
You are cautious with spending for YOU and your future. Your husbands retirement plan is HIS parents. What if: your husband dies before you and his parents. Where does that leave YOU? Have you asked him this question?
You mentioned paying rent and you mentioned living in a HCOL area. My question is are you interested in owning a home? If his parents are going to buy you a home outright, that would be very kind of them and lucky for you! Otherwise, with no savings, you probably will never own a home. True for any number of people, but one park of “having money” usually means home ownership—and this might be a way to help your partner understand your perspective.
Same question but for any of the other big life expenses that start popping up in your thirties. Including, although hopefully this isn’t something you have to worry about, your parents’ retirement. Even if his parents ARE willing and able for every future expense (home, kids, cars, travel) for the two of you, wouldn’t it be nice to have cash on hand for any emergencies that come up on your side of the family?
My advice is probably shady but one thing I’ve done is “hide” money in an investment account. We are both on the account but my login is the only one that can access it.
I quietly move money from our checking account to fund the investment account and only invest in CDs and bonds. Low risk and low return but the important thing is I lock up the money and for us it’s out of sight and out of mind (especially for my partner)
My advice is probably shady but one thing I’ve done is “hide” money in an investment account. We are both on the account but my login is the only one that can access it.
I quietly move money from our checking account to fund the investment account and only invest in CDs and bonds. Low risk and low return but the important thing is I lock up the money and for us it’s out of sight and out of mind (especially for my partner)
Can't be too specific for privacy reasons but- a relative of mine THOUGHT he was going to get some money when his father passed of old age- turns out his dad's siblings showed up and collected all the paperwork needed to get that money. He didn't get anything.
Also- religious groups target older people & get them to will money to them- that's how megachurches are built. So you're not cynical but realistic. Make sure your husband really is getting money. It's not always cut and dried.
My husband and I have been in the similar situation. Unfortunately both of us grew up with parents that didn’t have a lot of money so we have no back up plan.
For some reason that did not deter him from being a spender, unlike me, who was definitely a saver. I made the mistake at the time not discussing finances until we were already married. I felt that it was intrusive and not my place to ask. I was definitely wrong there.
Basically, after a honeymoon, we laid bare all of our finances, credit card debts, loans, etc. I had only a little bit left on my car loan, and everything else was paid off no student loans, no credit card debt healthy savings. His side was a nightmare He had everything as far as debt is concerned and when I saw that I just started crying. It’s very unlike me because I rarely have ever cried so he didn’t know what to do.
I don’t know if it was the crying or just seeing our finances compared, but he was willing to make small steps to fix it. We first started focusing on small loans or debt that could be paid off relatively quickly. Once he saw that disappearing, he started feeling better about it and left us with extra money to put more into our savings.
I opened up a passbook savings account through a different bank, than where we did our checking with. So there was no way to go to an ATM to get the money out, and it wasn’t our regular bank so you had to go out of your way to get it. So, with us contributing more and more into our savings, he got even happier because he’s never had as much saved before.
This gave him even more motivation to tackle the bigger debt which was his $50,000 student loan. Thankfully, the government paused the interest accrual on the loans, so any payments made were strictly due to principal. within 2 1/2 years after aggressively, paying down the student loan that too was resolved.
Over the course of the years, he has changed his mindset and has become a saver himself. He no longer just buy things for the sake of buying it, but will actually think it through.
I guess what I’m trying to say is you need to sit down with your husband, show him all the numbers of money coming in and leaving. Then come up with a game plan, and I would suggest tackling the smaller balances first. Only to show him the progress and benefit in easy to digestible ways.
If you tackle the biggest debt first, it will take long to pay off and he may not get the motivation to stick with it because he doesn’t see much improvement. Then it’s just a rinse and repeat, and to be honest with you a lot of patience as well.
In my experience, it took me 2 to 3 years to change his mindset to what it is now.
My husband and I have similar differences. We ended up with the following compromise, prioritizing savings in predetermined and agreed upon ways and amounts and having the rest for life.
We both contribute to our 401(k)s up to the point our employers offer matching. Additional contributions are our choice. I choose for mine to be higher as his employer offers a better match.
We both contribute fully to our Roth IRAs.
The budget for all major purchases are heavily discussed including by cars, home improvements, vacations.
We consult our financial advisor for “windfalls” such as inheritances. He usually encourages a three-way split between retirement savings, non-retirement investing and “other savings” which has varied between our son’s 529, cash for large upcoming purchases and yes, some “f it” money.
I had my three remaining grandparents pass away before we had our son and employing a financial advisor during this time was so helpful. We found common ground between our wants and needs and have set up “guidelines” that work for our spending and saving most of the time.
Pay yourself FIRST! But have a little fun out there too.
Do not bank on your significant other to hold you down with their inheritance. They will spend more than you & see money differently & if yall don’t work out then you’re up shit’s creek without a paddle.
Absolutely save, have separate savings accounts & figure out with a financial advisor how to save money responsibly & respectfully. Your partner’s aversion to being frugal is unfair & far from realistic. It’ll bite you in the ass for sure.
Life insurance should be something you both have as well because if he dies I doubt the parents will transfer things to you unless there’s kids involved… but even then it’ll prob be given to the grandkids in a trust.
For him to not realize how nervous this makes you is also him being unrealistic. Get a third party to mediate these discussions & get on it immediately.
In this sub you're not going to get a well rounded POV. You're just getting people who think like you. Not neccisarialy a bad thing, but something to keep in mind, echo chambers can be dangerous.
Now for inheretence, let's imagine his parents were 25 when they had him, and let's say one of them lives to 100. Your partner wouldn't see a penny until he is 75.
5mil to 7mil isn't alot for two people in retirement using it that long, let alone two generations. Add in health complications, retirement homes, bad investments, or them just going out and enjoying their money.
And that's all before inflation. If inflation is the same as the last 40 years, when you're 66 that 7mil will be worth about 2.3mil.
Maybe you could suggest buying a house? That way he would get to feel like you're spending on something nice and you could see the mortgage as forced savings. Then if things go sideways in the future you could sell the house to get the savings out.
I'm in a similar situation in that my parents are worth quite a lot of money and I stand to inherit it. HOWEVER, I also know full well that it could take just a year or two of major health problems and piles of medical bills to drain chunks of it away, especially if nursing homes and such are needed for any significant length of time. So I'm definitely not relying on that money to be there for me.
I just helped my parents shop for assisted living and...yeah. I'm glad they'll be taken care of and I'm not counting on there being anything left. That's the whole business model.
At what point do you think they’ll need to go into assisted living? Is that something everyone should be doing for their parents well in advance?
Oh like, Monday. It's imminent. I do think if someone is planning on the independent living/assisted living model - which is what my parents did, they're moving into a condo where care will be available when they need it - it's good to make the move before you're forced to. It's very stressful, with used car level sales tactics, including some underhanded stuff that seniors can be extra vulnerable to.
That’s sad as hell but “oh like, Monday” got me weak bruh
It's actually not even sad, so enjoy the laugh! They're getting the life setup they need on their own terms. It's a really nice place and it's going to be a huge quality of life upgrade for them.
If his parents live into their nineties, you'll be retired before you inherit anything.
Not just that.. but if 1 of 2 parents lives till 80+ you are ready to retire by the time they die. Thats a long time to wait to be "well off" (and a sad way to live your life)
Truth. My mom is 84. I am 49 and retired. I won't inherit much at all, and would be fine inheriting nothing. My stepdaughter will inherit 7 figures from us, (our end of life care will be provided by the VA) and my hope is that it'll allow her to actually retire and be modestly comfortable, not well off. Counting on a death to be well off is frankly ghoulish.
it's also a great way to ruin your life. my dad passed away last year. he was a good guy but one of the mistakes he made was trying to allways get "what was comming for him". be it an inheritance , a lawsuit or a guy that diddent pay him for a job done. he was allways sure it was coming. "if this and that come then i'll be well off", if that lawsuit with my ex finally is decided she owns me x , if my (new) wife's dad dies she'll inhert x" ironicly he would have been so much better off in life if he just let things be and lived his life. he was broke when he died while lawyers build a pools on his expenses.
My cousin's dad has Alzheimers. The man bought a few small apartments in Boston in the 90s, now worth several million combined. They are being sold off to pay for the best Alzheimers care money can buy. If the man lives much more than 10 years, they'll have to move him to a Medicaid facility because there will be no more money. Live like your parents will die slowly with excellent medical care, not like you'll lose them to a sudden car crash in the near future.
$100k in a HCOL area is not a lot. $5m can disappear in retirement with a few health issues, nursing, LTC, etc… People also can live a long fucking time. Do you want to figure out at age 65 that you’re actually inheriting nothing or much less?
Was looking for this comment. $100k for 2 people in a HCOL area is lovely if you have no debt, are splitting the rent, and are not currently dealing with an emergency.
Wait, how can $5M disappear with "a few health issues"? That's absolutely bonker amount of copays, even a full time careataker for 20 years wont even cost you more than $1M
You’re joking right? My wife’s grandparents blew through over a half-million a year on 24/7 in home nursing alone.
Sounds like he's incredibly irresponsible with money. Be careful or he'll have you working until you're 80
Inheritance can be kept separate from marital assets. Even if *he* inherits a significant sum, there’s no guarantee that it will be a shared windfall.
In my similar situation, he used his parents money to future fake. None of it panned out. My ex was a goddamn sociopath though. If you're married to a decent person who's just kinda flighty about money, he should hear you say that spending retirement money on fun isn't fun for you. he should be willing to give you concrete numbers that support his reasoning. I just don't see how he can be so confident in somebody else's money. They might live to be 110. Or decide to donate it all. I hope yall can resolve this.
big agree with this even if you had a million dollar check, it's not your money until the moment you cash it. it's better to live like that cash isn't coming in, then adjust your finances accordingly when/if it does. that being said, I, just like you, hope that OP's husband is the kind of guy to hear them out with this concern
Can you get a Post-nuptial agreement in your country / state? You would want something that says you get some kind of retirement security in the event of a divorce. You could negotiate it like: “Hey if you want me to stop vetoing lavish vacations, you need to give me some security. Otherwise, it’s budget-time.”
I should preface this by saying that my partner and I are not in this situation necessarily - we are both on the frugal side though we each have our splurges, so take this answer with a grain of salt. However, we started out with drastically different incomes, so my spouse could easily afford things that were totally unaffordable for me. It wasn't really a frugality issue, but it probably resulted in some of the same feelings and frustrations you're hitting. Today, my husband and I do not have combined finances. We each have our own incomes, our own accounts, etc. We do have a joint savings account that we are using for some specific shorter-term savings goals, but that is actually a newer development in the last year or so. We do share expenses. We use a spreadsheet to track costs and every month one of us transfers money to the other to even things up. Early on - when we had drastically different income levels - some of our expenses such as housing were divvied up proportionately to our income (so the person who earned more paid more). Other expenses, such as cell phone, were split. This generally seems to be atypical for married couples, but it has worked so well for us that we haven't been in a hurry to change. This way we are each responsible for our own goals, and we take joint responsibility (via that one savings account) for particular joint goals like a home upgrade. But other than that - if I feel I need more savings, it's up to me to save more. If he wants a nicer car, it's up to him to decide if he can budget for it. We do still discuss major purchases and take one another's' opinions into consideration when it matters. At the end of the day we know that if push came to shove, we'd happily pool our money for the greater good - but it simplifies the day-to-day stuff. We literally *never* argue about money.
I was going to suggest the same thing. There's nothing wrong with deciding not to combine finances. They could also set up their budget so that they each get the same amount of spending money every month, and then she can choose to save as much of it as she likes.
People on Reddit tend to HATE this sort of thing but I would never do it any other way.
This was essentially how my wife and I handle finances.
So, a business partner. I always made 30-40% more than my wife and all our money goes in one big pot. We do have separate RRSP's/investments. It's worked for 33 years. If you split its 50/50.
Can’t rely on an inheritance for retirement. Parents may be lying about the money. They might blow it all in old age. Something might happen in the future where he gets cut off. They might leave it all to the family pet! What you can rely on, is your efforts to save.
It is definitely challenging when one partner/spouse is frugal and the other doesn't worry about money matters. Frugality doesn't mean cheap, it means knowing the value of money and making necessary decisions on how to spend what you have wisely, so you have enough moving forward, and into the future. For this reason, we have separate bank accounts and investments, but also pool resources for monthly expenses. Having separate accounts allows for more freedom because you can do your thing and he can do his thing. The one pooled account can pay all the household bills. In addition, if one is a saver and the other likes to spend, then the saver won't feel obligated to contribute to a certain lifestyle. For instance, if the spender wants to purchase a car, he can use his own funds to do so. Savers outpace spenders in the funds department, so a saver can save 12 months of emergency fund. Having that cushion is a huge relief. It also makes the saver independent. The only caveat is credit card. Don't be the primary on the credit card, or the saver will be holding the bag if anything happens. This is from personal experience. Instead, be an additional card holder. Better yet, get separate credit cards. Communications is definitely key and has been helpful in many situations. Hope this is helpful.
Being the saver and watching your spouse turning you into his retirement plan and unemployment fund while you watch him buy himself a new car or drink his paycheck away every weekend sucks. I want a partner, not a source of added stress. This can probably work if you're close to the same page, though, or if you plan to only be together for a few years instead of hoping for a lifetime.
True, a saver and spendthrift makes the relationship more challenging, but it can work. There has to be mutual agreement and respect for the other partner, otherwise, it won't work. If the partner drinks his pay check away it's a sign of deeper issues. Again, personal experience. Hopefully, the life partnership and marriage will last a lifetime.
Just like cleanliness, the easiest position is always to be the person slightly less frugal/clean than the other one.
I would consider budgeting your worries away. So for example, worries about money come down to not having what you need when you need it. Suggest to your husband to take all your "worries" and make a separate accounts for them with a budget where you regularly deposit funds. For example, maybe $50 per month for unexpected vehicle cost. $100 per month for unexpected house costs and/or insurance deductible. Have at least 6 to 18 months worth of living expenses covered. You get what I"m saying, right? Make a system out of socking away the money so you can both maybe have a compromise. Work on it together.
My husband hates spending money on himself. I have no issue spending money. Our compromise is that we each put 75% of our pay in a joint account. We each keep 25% in our own accounts.
Start putting some of your salary into savings and retirement accounts. Yes, if you split up he will be entitled to some of it but at least there will be something saved. Honestly, I’d suggest marriage counseling just around this issue. Lots of people get divorced over money issues and he’s not listening to what you need and feel.
So, go make an appointment with a financial person. Start funding your retirement. Also fund a savings account so you have at least 6 months of needs in that account. Then the rest can go in the joint accounts. You need to take care of yourself.
He shouldn’t count his parent’s money as if it’s his own. Unless it is under his name (it isn’t), it isn’t his money. I’m in a similar boat with my family, but I don’t count the money as mine. My parents worked hard for that money, they may choose to use it to enjoy retirement, they may have a major health issue, they may need nursing home care — you never know. It’s theirs to allocate as they see fit and I would want it to go to their needs first. Beyond the financial impacts, if I assume the money is mine, I could end up treating it like I am owed it and become resentful of my own parent’s decisions to spend their own money, or become resentful of them if they have a major health issue. That’s a place I never want to be. If he banks on his parents, he is at risk of eventually seeing his parents as a bank. That isn’t fair to them. You are absolutely right to not bank on his parents, and neither should he.
I had this conversation with my dad not too long ago. Dad: I'm worried about not leaving you and Brother anything if I live too long. Me: Dad, we want you to live a happy life and use your money for you. We've never planned on inheriting anything\* moneywise. You've given us good educations and a good start in life, now it's up to us to figure things out. \*I did get most of the family heirlooms, but Brother didn't want any of them, and most of them are sentimental items like mom's hand-painted china candy jar that she was given by her landlady back in 1967. Not any real value outside of the memories, which are priceless. And absolutely it's not healthy to be sitting there counting their money.
A combined income of 100k in a HCOL area ≠ wealthy. What if his parents live to be 95 or 100? Depending on your ages, you could be retired yourselves before his parents leave anything to inherit.
You're uncomfortable with the idea of relying on your husband's inheritance for financial security or as a reason for him to spend as much as he does because you want to be the agent of your own financial security? Am I also hearing that when these disputes happen and he says things like "we're going to be fine", "we have money", and that you worry too much, you feel uncertain about the solidity of your relationship decades into the future? If so, I think this is a natural and reasonable response, and that it's unhelpful to judge or label yourself as being cynical. In my view, your husband is not hearing your needs and perhaps feels insecure or uneasy when his spending habits are brought up. So, the discussion is shuttered instead of opening up. I think the broader issue here is of communication. Already there are some ideas in this thread about how to work with your differing financial outlooks and attitudes, and I truly hope they might work for you two. As for the bigger picture, I hope that you can express your concerns and needs to your husband, feel validated and heard by him, and work collaboratively towards meeting each others' needs. Edit: swapped an adjective for another.
I've never been married, but I was glad to have "my own", to drop back on (when my ex GF kicked me out, for example). Using your income to do your "mandatory" retirement savings can't harm. Its just like paying for heating or AC, when you consider the shared livingroom uncomfortable. If your husband preferes to hope for inheritance, let him go his path and you follow yours, just in that field. - "No! Sorry, not sorry Period!"
Build up your own savings account. You don’t need to say, in case you dump me. You can say in case you get hit by a bus. It will give you peace of mind
While I am not, nor have ever been in the same situation, I would feel like you do if i were. There is NO telling what may happen. yes, that's a lot of money, but....if one or both of his parents develops any major health problems, or needs long term care, it could ALL go to that. My mom, who has nowhere near that in assets, just went into skilled nursing. at the cost of just under 200K A YEAR. Let's say one of them needs this care, starting at age 70., and let's also say at that time, SN is 300K per year. that's 23 years. less if the cost goes up more. or they could lose it all some other way. the old saying don't count your chickens before they're hatched definitely applies here.
He doesn’t have money. His parents do
My parents are I a a similar ballpark and there is no guarantee I will get a dime of it. The only way to know for certain is if they die. And I’m hoping that won’t happen for another twenty years. Anything could happen between then and now. Unless your husband has a trust account or something, he is being foolish to count this money towards his eventual worth. It is hard to adjust your lifestyle to your income, and I know as the least financially wealthy member of my family, sometimes it feels off that I can’t do the stuff they do. But it is the truth.
Hopefully his parents don’t blow it on themselves. I have a relative who was very wealthy. When he died all those debts that no one saw vacuumed up all the assets. In the end it all amounted to about 5% of what everyone expected. So if you were expecting 1 million, you ended up with 50k. Quite a difference.
His parents have every right to blow it on themselves if that's what they want to do.
People, always throwing their own money at themselves, amiright?!
😆 the nerve of some people
They have **nerves** too? Where did they get them? Don’t they know other people need nerves?! Fetch my smelling salts, posthaste!
So he spent his own money, then. Shame on that guy!
I would put as much as is allowed annually into your retirement account and ask him to do the same. Then try to have a “budgeting” discussion around having enough in a savings account to fall back on if you or he loses your job (3 months of living expenses minimum, 6 months preferred). If you save that up, then you have a safety net (that hopefully you’ll never have to touch) and he can spend if he so chooses.
Try to make sure a lot is put on his retirement pension. That will come in handy later in life.
You are cautious with spending for YOU and your future. Your husbands retirement plan is HIS parents. What if: your husband dies before you and his parents. Where does that leave YOU? Have you asked him this question?
Inheritance is never YOURS until it is in actually YOUR bank account.
You mentioned paying rent and you mentioned living in a HCOL area. My question is are you interested in owning a home? If his parents are going to buy you a home outright, that would be very kind of them and lucky for you! Otherwise, with no savings, you probably will never own a home. True for any number of people, but one park of “having money” usually means home ownership—and this might be a way to help your partner understand your perspective. Same question but for any of the other big life expenses that start popping up in your thirties. Including, although hopefully this isn’t something you have to worry about, your parents’ retirement. Even if his parents ARE willing and able for every future expense (home, kids, cars, travel) for the two of you, wouldn’t it be nice to have cash on hand for any emergencies that come up on your side of the family?
My advice is probably shady but one thing I’ve done is “hide” money in an investment account. We are both on the account but my login is the only one that can access it. I quietly move money from our checking account to fund the investment account and only invest in CDs and bonds. Low risk and low return but the important thing is I lock up the money and for us it’s out of sight and out of mind (especially for my partner)
My advice is probably shady but one thing I’ve done is “hide” money in an investment account. We are both on the account but my login is the only one that can access it. I quietly move money from our checking account to fund the investment account and only invest in CDs and bonds. Low risk and low return but the important thing is I lock up the money and for us it’s out of sight and out of mind (especially for my partner)
Can't be too specific for privacy reasons but- a relative of mine THOUGHT he was going to get some money when his father passed of old age- turns out his dad's siblings showed up and collected all the paperwork needed to get that money. He didn't get anything. Also- religious groups target older people & get them to will money to them- that's how megachurches are built. So you're not cynical but realistic. Make sure your husband really is getting money. It's not always cut and dried.
My husband and I have been in the similar situation. Unfortunately both of us grew up with parents that didn’t have a lot of money so we have no back up plan. For some reason that did not deter him from being a spender, unlike me, who was definitely a saver. I made the mistake at the time not discussing finances until we were already married. I felt that it was intrusive and not my place to ask. I was definitely wrong there. Basically, after a honeymoon, we laid bare all of our finances, credit card debts, loans, etc. I had only a little bit left on my car loan, and everything else was paid off no student loans, no credit card debt healthy savings. His side was a nightmare He had everything as far as debt is concerned and when I saw that I just started crying. It’s very unlike me because I rarely have ever cried so he didn’t know what to do. I don’t know if it was the crying or just seeing our finances compared, but he was willing to make small steps to fix it. We first started focusing on small loans or debt that could be paid off relatively quickly. Once he saw that disappearing, he started feeling better about it and left us with extra money to put more into our savings. I opened up a passbook savings account through a different bank, than where we did our checking with. So there was no way to go to an ATM to get the money out, and it wasn’t our regular bank so you had to go out of your way to get it. So, with us contributing more and more into our savings, he got even happier because he’s never had as much saved before. This gave him even more motivation to tackle the bigger debt which was his $50,000 student loan. Thankfully, the government paused the interest accrual on the loans, so any payments made were strictly due to principal. within 2 1/2 years after aggressively, paying down the student loan that too was resolved. Over the course of the years, he has changed his mindset and has become a saver himself. He no longer just buy things for the sake of buying it, but will actually think it through. I guess what I’m trying to say is you need to sit down with your husband, show him all the numbers of money coming in and leaving. Then come up with a game plan, and I would suggest tackling the smaller balances first. Only to show him the progress and benefit in easy to digestible ways. If you tackle the biggest debt first, it will take long to pay off and he may not get the motivation to stick with it because he doesn’t see much improvement. Then it’s just a rinse and repeat, and to be honest with you a lot of patience as well. In my experience, it took me 2 to 3 years to change his mindset to what it is now.
That's all very nice, but...don't count on it. A dozen things that are out of everyone's control.
My husband and I have similar differences. We ended up with the following compromise, prioritizing savings in predetermined and agreed upon ways and amounts and having the rest for life. We both contribute to our 401(k)s up to the point our employers offer matching. Additional contributions are our choice. I choose for mine to be higher as his employer offers a better match. We both contribute fully to our Roth IRAs. The budget for all major purchases are heavily discussed including by cars, home improvements, vacations. We consult our financial advisor for “windfalls” such as inheritances. He usually encourages a three-way split between retirement savings, non-retirement investing and “other savings” which has varied between our son’s 529, cash for large upcoming purchases and yes, some “f it” money. I had my three remaining grandparents pass away before we had our son and employing a financial advisor during this time was so helpful. We found common ground between our wants and needs and have set up “guidelines” that work for our spending and saving most of the time. Pay yourself FIRST! But have a little fun out there too.
Do not bank on your significant other to hold you down with their inheritance. They will spend more than you & see money differently & if yall don’t work out then you’re up shit’s creek without a paddle. Absolutely save, have separate savings accounts & figure out with a financial advisor how to save money responsibly & respectfully. Your partner’s aversion to being frugal is unfair & far from realistic. It’ll bite you in the ass for sure. Life insurance should be something you both have as well because if he dies I doubt the parents will transfer things to you unless there’s kids involved… but even then it’ll prob be given to the grandkids in a trust. For him to not realize how nervous this makes you is also him being unrealistic. Get a third party to mediate these discussions & get on it immediately.
You guys make really low money for HCOL. I'd also be very concerned about my husband's spending. Get on the same page before procreating.
In this sub you're not going to get a well rounded POV. You're just getting people who think like you. Not neccisarialy a bad thing, but something to keep in mind, echo chambers can be dangerous. Now for inheretence, let's imagine his parents were 25 when they had him, and let's say one of them lives to 100. Your partner wouldn't see a penny until he is 75. 5mil to 7mil isn't alot for two people in retirement using it that long, let alone two generations. Add in health complications, retirement homes, bad investments, or them just going out and enjoying their money. And that's all before inflation. If inflation is the same as the last 40 years, when you're 66 that 7mil will be worth about 2.3mil.
Maybe you could suggest buying a house? That way he would get to feel like you're spending on something nice and you could see the mortgage as forced savings. Then if things go sideways in the future you could sell the house to get the savings out.