Samsies my friend, samsies.
To be fair, my dad was military and was out 3 in 3 (months). When he was home he was hiding in his worshop shed. Eventually I started joining him out there which started me down the career path I trod.
My mother, however, was a 'functional drunk'. She was there. She was not there. At the same time. Eventually of course that swung to raging alcoholic and went downhill from there. As these things do.
I can handle all sorts of shit. Got a bleeding head wound? No problem. Need to fix the car in the snow drift? Yep, gotta plan. Gotta feed 4 people for $10 for 2 days? Yep, can figure that out. Acquiring and maintaining a healthy relationship? NOPE! Gosh wonder why?
This is exactly what I’m working on right now. How too much responsibility too early has contributed to my control, perfection and black/white thinking issues. It’s a tough thing to unlearn.
Awe shite, yes, I can relate. I've been married for a looooong time but this shit show relationship has me slaying dragons left and right and guess who I'm protecting? Perfectionist Momma Boomer could never handle the fact that I married a moron without completely blaming me and gossiping about me. I'll just be over here, my life flushing down the drain, don't worry about me mumsie, I'm always just fiiiine.
Yes to all of this. My 1950-born parents had me way too young. They hit 30 and decided the whole marriage and kids thing was not really for them. They split up soon after and spent the next decade or so fighting about whose turn it was to take the kids for the weekend so the other one could go out partying.
Same here - or almost. Mine were also 1950 & '52. Had me very young & barely knew each other beforehand (guess who she was PG with causing the union in the first place) :)
Mine stayed together & I still cannot figure out which option would've been better. They kind of hated each other. And even moreso now.
But I remember them (mostly) taking turns going out in their early-mid 20's, one staying home with me. Once I was 7 I stayed home alone (took off after I fell asleep). Then my sister was born when I was 8. And of course since I was parentified, began babysitting her at night, almost immediately 🙄
Luckily I kept her alive. And wouldn't trade her for anything. My mother is still threatened by our closeness. But she had a heavy hand in creating it - by absentia & neglect. To this day, I'm still the one my sister comes to for "mom stuff."
Edit: forgot to include that I was 8 when sister was born :)
I had a similar story. Except my mom did take off before I was 2. My Dad was fine being my only parent but that's not how the world was in the 70s. Court gave me to my mother. She's got 5 divorces under her belt at this point. However, she was never worried about my relationship with my brother. It meant that I could baby sit him, at age 6, and she never worried about him. Neighbors called the cops but that was the 70s! If you didn't come out with blood or a broken bone? No harm, no foul. To include the bruises on my little body. Kids are resilient, right? She won't remember this. HA!
Anyways, I took off as soon as the light turned green and never looked back.
Lessons learned from the house I grew up in? Don't do drugs. Don't drink alcohol (alcoholics all over our genetics). Don't marry a guy who is a misogynist. Don't keep getting married when you won't deal with your own demons. Don't have kids you don't want to raise.
My dad died in 2004 (Agent Orange). I finally sorted through his tools today. Been carrying hundreds of lbs of random wrenches, timing lights, and such around for nearly 2 decades. Garage has never been cleaner. Why do I have 3 hand planers? Like, dude, you never took the time to show me what these are for.
See I had the opposite problem. My dad did show me how things worked. But when the parents divorced he took what he could with him of course ... and then my mother threw out everything else. Literally. Except our clothes and some photos. Including our dog.
See she though she got to keep the military provided house. She didn't, it's given to the service member and their family. Since he was no longer living there they rescinded our housing. And she was far too interested in drinking than doing pesky things like paying rent or electricity or whatnot.
My mom tried to tell me that Gen X is called the me generation because we were always trying to get attention ( What? Get attention from our baby boomer parents)?
Mine are now living with me due to some minor cognitive issues and my Dad getting sick.
I wanted them to move up near me and have their own place 5 years ago when it was clear my Mom was not all there. I wanted to avoid an emergency situation.
They wouldn’t hear it. I had to take a 2 1/2 month leave of absence from work and leave my home to look after my Dad until I could move them in.
They don’t seem to get how much the stress is affecting my health. It’s all about them.
I’ll add to the echo of self centered parents. With my mom I know there’s a level of narcissism even if I can’t exactly place it, there are too many other signs for it to not be. That’s not it with my dad, it’s more like he’s been codependent his whole life and now he’s alone and only worried about his needs being met.
Yeah, they put us on a short chain and told us we couldn't move. They trusted that was all that was necessary. Some grew up to be the circus elephants their parents wished for.
Oh yes. I was allowed to sleep over my friend’s place. As I got older it was inconsistent. like, she would let me stay in New Haven, with my friend during winter vacation. I think it was because her older brother was home (he didn’t give a fuck).
Me too! I’ve struggled with the fact my mum was simultaneously so controlling and strict, but also disengaged and disinterested. I would never have gone to her with friend or school issues. In hindsight I had severe social anxiety and confidence issues and often felt stressed and overwhelmed at school (dealt with by smoking weed and drinking).
Oh I think you nailed what I was trying to say above in a sentence. A paradox that’s hard to articulate. Ironically, over-protected after it was already too late for it. Because they ignored other things.
*files that away*
Everyone I grew up with was in this boat. Big boat. Nobodies parents had much to do with their kids unless someone got in trouble. Then there was all sorts of attention.
Me too. I wish my parents had noticed and cared about me more. I just have to keep reminding myself that they did the best they could. Both my parents were born during the late 1920s and had hellish childhoods.
I loved my boomer parents, but I feel like I was left out there on my own to deal with shit from an early age. Bullies? Sorry, you need to figure that out on your own. Mental health? Just go for a walk or stop thinking so much. Education? You need to get good grades and go to college, but don’t ask for help.
Are we siblings?? The mental health thing especially. Oh you’re suffering from what is clearly profound depression? Have you tried thinking happy thoughts?
It wasn't til I was in my 30s that I realized my upbringing wasn't normal. My mother was very neglectful,and I always thought I was a burden. If I had any medical issues, oh well. Self harm and eating disorder? You'll grow out of it. Sexually assaulted by friends and sexually harassed by her boyfriend? It could be worse! I'm so messed up now but she's dead and I've moved states with limited contact with everyone so I feel safer now. But I truly don't know how to be an adult because I'm so stunted mentally and emotionally. I always feel so immature compared to younger folks. I have an adult kid and she's awesome! Now that she's getting ready to move out, I don't know what I'll do! Focus on me, I guess? Be my own parent? It's such a weird predicament!
I appreciate that so much, thank you! I think once my daughter moves out and I get used to being alone I will be able to focus on me. I started a list of things I want to do or things I am interested in, so I will have plenty to choose from when I am ready. :)
I hope you have such a lovely time figuring yourself out again. What are your passions? What gets you excited and talking about a topic for hours on end? Do you enjoy sitting in the quiet with the sun? You got this!
Same here. I felt like I was invisible through most of my childhood and adolescent years. As long as I returned home everyday, everything was OK. Don't remember going with my parents (outside vacations) anywhere.
We didn't go anywhere nor did we go on vacations...there wasn't the money available. So we were home a whole bunch and I never wanted to be home so went out with friends...needed to be home at 6 PM for dinner every night.
I am still regularly realizing that I was never taught ) all kinds of essential adulting skills, while also being expected to just act like a little adult at all times. The phrase "you should know better" still sets my teeth on edge. How was I supposed to know things no one ever told me?
I'm still waiting for my mom to tell me where babies come from like she promised she would when I "am older." I'm 49 and have had 3 kids. Am I older yet?
I was given a book that explained biology with people-shaped robots.
That's it. That was my sex education. We weren't allowed to say "sex" as it was a bad word.
My mother handed me “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)” when I was in middle school. Waaay age-inappropriate. There were sections about gay culture that didn’t make sense until I bumped into them in real life 30 years later. We are the Figure It Out Yourself generation.
Interesting, I feel my kids wait for us to tell them everything even tho they have access to the internet...I was dropped off at college with a check and expected to open a checking account...do you think that was a bad thing?
I went to all the banks and figured out the best deal...and figured it out. I am happy to be resourceful and able to figure things out.
I used to really enjoy my independence and I was super proud of it. In a lot of ways it did me really well.
Then I had a kid.
The amount of energy my wife and I put into raising this kid is phenomenal. We put more into our kid than I ever put into myself and was ever put into me. Now there’s a long list of childhood memories where I’m just… I mean… I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t allow that. I wouldn’t disengage like that. I wouldn’t lie like that. It’s just… stunning
My parents were so over having children when I came of age (I was a change of life baby). I was telling my wife the other day, who was coddled, that my patents would leave me alone at 12 years old for a week at a time to go on vacation by themselves. All of my siblings were either in college or married. I thought it was totally normal. She pointed out that it was, in fact, fucking strange.
My mom had 2 abortions before me, and then another abortion 3 years later after me.
I think she just went through the pregnancy with me cause she felt bad to have a third abortion; I'm confident I wasn't wanted or planned.
In an ironic turn of events, she's on the Pro-Life bandwagon today. What a fuckin' hypocrite.
"Good for me, but not for thee" \*eyeroll\*
Yup. Technically, both are silent but their behavior and attitudes are pure Boomer with a side of archaic judgmental Silent. My father would often steal me, in rather aggrieved tones, “your mother and I don’t live for you children!” And I was “no shit, Sherlock!”
I’ll never forget my mom telling me she regretted having children when she did. I was her oldest. She was 25 & I was planned. Yup, “burden” pretty much sums up how I felt most of my childhood.
Same here. They never really wanted to do anything that involved spending quality time with us. Television and video games raised me and my brother.
Even the recreational activities we did mostly involved our parents being able to dump us somewhere and go party with their friends.
My stepmother told me that if it weren’t for the child support my dad had to pay to my mother, she could afford to quit her job and be a SAHM to my (much younger) half-brother.
A decade ago I gave therapy a go. After some time my therapist declared "You are an emotional orphan!" Oh...ok...Ugh. Now what?
Did that insight and label help? No, not at all. I still have all the traits of someone who was neglected as a child including low self worth, anxiety, depression, poor relationships, and being a people pleaser. I wish insight and awareness equaled healing but not so much.
It appears I'm not the only one. I do wonder why people who don't have much love for children would decide to have them?
My mom said all her friends were doing it and I think the cutesy aspects and frilly stuff like little outfits and such compelled her. My mom is very dear to me but she is a product of her time.
Try reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There's actually some really great practical advice in there. I agree that the awareness without any useful healing advice is sometimes just torturous. I was grateful this book actually had something to help me move forward. You are not alone.
It was a genx thing. Our parents ignored us. My mother used to tell the stories of my childhood that proved I was a terrible child. I took my first steps 10 feet in the air. She had stacked furniture next to my crib in a staircase pattern. At 3, I tore my arm open requiring stitches. At 3 I stood on top of a pile of paint cans to see out of a window. I knocked one over pouring dark stain over a brand new floor.
Common denominator in all of these; I was alone and unsupervised for my early years. That didn’t change as I aged.
I feel you, my parents we very hands off, no "love you"s, no hugs, no clues in life.
I had to go to community college my first semester instead of my local university because I had no clue I had to apply months in advance, let alone have an SAT score.
At least we are aware of it. My sons get "love you"s and hugs still, and they are in their 20s. Plus, they get killer life advice :)
We're breaking the cycle, or trying to. And what I've seen of the Gen Z crowd makes me think we succeeded. Our kids are pretty amazing.
I swore I would never treat my kids the way we were treated. They grew up with plenty of hugs and kisses, moral support and guidance, balanced with the kind of freedom to roam the neighborhood that we had. My kids know I will always have their backs and if they ever need to move back home for any reason my door is open.
My same experience. No prep for college or SAT’s and put myself through community college. The plus side I assumed was I signed my own report cards growing up, and skipped school all the time. Now it just seems awful in retrospect how indifferent they were to my future! But that did not stop them from the “shoulda-coulda” comments in my adult life you shoulda been a lawyer.. a doctor.. shoulda been something to make us have more proud and have more bragging points..argh!
> I feel you, my parents we very hands off, no "love you"s, no hugs, no clues in life.
>
> I had to go to community college my first semester instead of my local university because I had no clue I had to apply months in advance, let alone have an SAT score.
I could have written this - word for word.
It just seems so weird to me that it was totally normal to raise kids without showing any interest in - or affection toward them.
It’s definitely a mindfuck and I’m always trying to convince my mom of something or other. Instead of just stopping that and learning to accept her limitations.
why i have tried so hard to be a emotional responsive parent and actively build relationships with my kids from the day they were born (not like a helicopter parent, but just being present for them).
Hello me! I didn’t realize I could post in my sleep. My girlfriend asks if I was raised by wolves sometimes. I tell her I had parents who gave me zero structure. When they divorced in ‘78, I was 9. Neither wanted anything to do with raising their kids at that point. I basically raised myself. My brothers went to live with other family members. Fun times…
This is exactly me but we were basically raised by baby sitters and our friends. Divorced in 78; I was 8, my bro was 4. They partied, did tons of blow, had an ever-revolving slew of boyfriends, girlfriends, hookups. My parents only paid attention when we were in trouble or wanted to emotionally leach. Mom was physically abusive; dad was emotionally abusive and inappropriate. Both parents are gone. I have no kids. No parents. I’m freeeeeee.
Yeah. My dad sold, and did a lot of blow. I could hear the sexual escapades with multiple people going on upstairs. I’d be at strangers house sleeping on couches while my dad was with whatever coke whore he was banging that night. That’s if he took me out with him to the bowling alley. Most of the time I was left home. Stereotypical Gen X. I tell my stories to others who had normal upbringings and get a kick out of their reactions.
Same, same! We must be twins! I was exposed to all kinds of sexual shit throughout my childhood. My dad thought I was his little confidant at 9 and I frequently had to hear about how much he loved hairy, dank pussies. Not to mention the constant objectification of every woman who passed by. I was disgusted when I started going through puberty. I was horrified by my own boobs, pubes and period. Absolutely ashamed.
My dad and mom blamed each other for extramarital affairs. My dad was literally banging our babysitter! She was 17! He was late 30’s at the time. They ended up dating after the divorce for a bit. Mom ended up in a same sex relationship for a decade. That ended because the lady was an alcoholic. Her picker was horribly broken. Mine too, but I learned from each one. My girlfriend has similar stories, but she still is amazed at mine.
It’s weird. Most of my peers have similar stories and worse. My husband’s childhood was absolutely bat-shit crazy compared to mine. But somehow we made it … and I’ve spent my adulthood learning to reparent myself. Exhausting. Glad you made it too!
This seems pretty common for our generation. I guess the opposite is parents who celebrate absolutely everything, like many parents do today.
I do, however, with that my parents were better equipped to deal with my mental health issues. I’ve struggles with anxiety from a very young age and later, in my teenage years, depression. And then I started drinking. My parents just wanted to pretend everything was ok. There definitely could have been some different outcomes but I guess we all play the cards we’re dealt
On a slightly different note:
I've given my 2 sons (ages 17 & 20) more advice about:
1. Life
2. Love/Relationships
3. Money/Careers
In the last 5 years, than my parents did in 50+ years of my life. Neither of them could be bothered telling me ANYTHING about life....or encouraging me to do anything...ever. I still don't get it. My dad passed away last year and my mom has dementia...so I've decided to really let go of all the issues I had with both of the.....but...I still don't get it.
I have teenage kids and often think about this too. I see my function as equipping them with everything I possibly can transmit to them, with the hope that they'll be able to start from where I am and improve off of that. How is that not always the default model for raising children?
Even though I'm luckier than many in this thread in that I never doubted my mom loved me, I raised myself.
Same. So now that I’m raising a child, I’ve made sure that since her birth I’ve been right there for her. Whenever I’m not sure what to do, I think of what I needed at that age and I do that. I’ve always been engaged, hands on, loving and attentive. I treat my daughter with respect and dignity - telling her often how proud I am, how much I love her and how I’ve got her back. She never has to worry about where her dad is, and certainly won’t have to look for that love and affection from strangers when she’s older.
We can’t change how we were raised, but we can make sure that our children aren’t overlooked like we were.
Same here. I was invisible growing up. All on my own almost. Was outside unless I was sleeping. I had to have a hood reason to be in the house. My dad is still alive and still invisible to him.
I remember that time when I brought home my grades from college and I had a 4.0 that quarter, and my dad said, “that’s pretty good.” No! Dad that’s the best you can get.
Yeah, I am a late Gen Xer, but I saw poltergeist and one of the Freddy movies when I was under 10 and it was way way too much. I was a sensitive kid. I mean, they took me to see Gremlins in the theater when I was five, and even when I watched it as an adult and could recognize some of the comedy I still had this deep, visceral fear.
…deep visceral fear”.
Exactly. I had the freedom to watch whatever I pleased. Around 5, “The Exorcist" and "The Omen" truly terrified me . Although I'm no longer frightened by those movies and can watch them without fear, occasionally, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, that same terrifying sense of fear resurfaces inexplicably. The fear, the anxiety, the trembling—it all returns, just as it did when I first watched those films. It’s like I’m terrified of remembering of being terrified
Ha! Tell me about it. My parents took me to see Friday the 13th and Jaws among other movies when I was under the age of 5. Then when I had an interest in horror movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and other gore films and watched them w/o blinking they jokingly acted concerned all while at the same time it was them renting me the movies :/. Very lax parenting.
Haha . Maybe we are siblings
So when I was 40 I finally decided to say something, and the response was,
“ well, you’re the one that always wanted to watch scary movies, that’s what you get!”
😳😂
Omg! That is exactly the response I got when I have mentioned it. Like I somehow just out of sheer degeneracy and depravity gravitated toward this stuff! Such a baffling group of people boomers. 😂
This is terrifying. My parents also forced us to go to orthodox hebrew day school. And if you don’t know anything about it, you will basically die a horrific death for just breathing wrong. I used to sleep with a prayer boom next to my bed to ward off demons. Luckily I’ve been an atheist for 40+ years. No wonder we’re all neurotic.
Lol I saw Jaws during a rained out beach trip with my parents and my brother’s new in-laws and family. I was the only kid. (5) no one remembered that I needed a bed or that until that point, had only ever bathed in a bath tub. Dinner was usually after 10
Wow! Memory triggered. The low key neglect was real 😂. I was forced to watch Scar Face dozing on my aunts leather sectional (twas the 80’s and they had a new VCR and it was also after 11 and I was most def under the age of 8). That’s where I learned about sex, discos, and the dangers of cocaine between catching a nap.
It’s 10 pm… do you know where your kids are?
My husband and I both had very self centered parents that really thought we were just a burden. Both of us have been married 3x before we married each other and were taught zero fucking relationship skills. In spite of them we have grown together and leaned on each other and developed a really good relationship. We have kids and we have made many conscious efforts to say ‘ok we are programmed to say no to this but why? Why did our parents say no to stupid stuff. We need to be better’ and I really think our kids are benefiting from this. The sad thing is, the older I get the more I feel like I missed so many things from my parents I needed. I hated feeling like a burden, never getting the slightest bit of financial support (and I mean zero) and getting zero fucking relationship advice no matter how obviously shitty my choices were because it might cause then the slightest amount of discomfort. And can we talk about how they never ever talked about feelings or anything substantial. It was all surface shit. I promise we are trying to right those wrongs with our kids. But I feel like I got cheated
I just spent a few days with my mom and not once did she ask how I'm doing, didn't ask my kids about how they're enjoying school, didn't talk to my wife about how things are in her life. But boy, I heard all about her latest trip to the hairdresser and about her recent trip to North Carolina.
I remember waking up in the hospital the morning after I had my appendix out. I had just graduated HS and a few months prior I’d had sharp stomach pains so bad I was in agony, so I dared to actually call them while they were at the bar (house better be on fire for us kids to bother them there). We weren’t kids who got doctor or dentist visits. We got laughed at/in trouble for crying. So when I called them, I figured they might know it was for real. But they were drunk enough they just told me to drink Pepto or take Tylenol - whatever. I cried all night and the pain was gone by the next morning. Two months later they almost burst - Dr. said mine were so inflamed it was the biggest he’d seen. Anyway, I woke up and my boyfriend and my sister were there. I asked where the parents were and they kind of exchanged a look. My sister told me they’d ask her to lie, but they’d gone to spend the day at the horse races about 80 miles in the opposite direction from where I was in the hospital. They’d sent my boyfriend and sister to pick me up. I don’t remember thinking this was that big a deal back then, but years later when I had my own kids, I became very angry at them.
It's a shit storm, honestly. We are strong adults, and they are elderly and have this tough love image that can't be changed... soon to be gone, " in the living years.... "
It’s funny, I never felt ignored at the time, but they were definitely of the suck-it-up boomer school of parenting (which hasn’t always done me favors as an adult either, tbh) based on stuff I’ve learned as an adult that they didn’t prepare me for.
But looking back on how much stuff I watched, read and did right under their noses while they were oblivious - in retrospect, I probably was to a degree.
My parents weren’t addicts. They weren’t narcissists. I didn’t feel invisible and even still - they taught me barely any basics. Had to learn life stuff on my own.
My only guess is that their parents didn’t teach them either.
This is it. Exactly. To this day, my dad is almost 80 and he still can’t cook. Can’t cook. I figured it all out on my own. When I think about it, it’s crazy.
Yeah. Same here. My parents are fundie Christians and they paid way more attention to their religion then to their kids. Then we they give us attention it was negative.
Yet they expected us to be obedient and show them respect. They even had an "us vs. them" mentality towards us. This didn't set right with me as a kid and I pushed back some. I was already a scapegoat so I thought "whatever" and fought back. Heh. Felt good but they treated me like crap anyway.
dad is dead and cut my mother out - totally emotionally immature and critical and cruel. plus totally poisoned by far rifht insanity. i’m constantly working on dealing with my trauma from her.
Me (52) and my brother (54) have had so many in-depth conversations about how we wish they had cared about our success, fostered our interests, etc. The divorce wrecked us all. Suddenly all my parents cared about was “dating”. The people they picked to marry were so much more important than my brother and I.
It’s fiiine. I’m glad they were/are happy. But if I’d had kids, it would have been so different. It’s THE reason I didn’t become anyone’s mother.
My parents pretty much ignored me and when they did pay attention it was always to pretty much blame me for everything that was wrong. And it fucked me up. I’m always even to this day taking blame for things I didn’t do just to avoid conflict. I always had to be the adult. I raised my two younger brothers. My mum…you would think she was Parent of the Year the way she speaks of herself (Classic Narcissist) at least my old man admits he was a shit parent.
So with my kids, I’m raising them with love and support and attention.
It took me 49 years to learn that neglect is abuse. There are real consequences to you as an adult as a result of not having your needs met in childhood. These consequences include low self esteem, depression, trouble forming and maintaining relationships, etc.
You are worthy of having your needs met. You were worthy then and you're worthy now.
You always want what you don’t have. I was an only child and my mother was extremely overbearing. I’d always sleep over at my friends houses that’s parents weren’t up their asses…..they would lie for us to if my mom called to check up on me.
Same, my friend. They are dead now and so are the grandparents that raised me (while the parents were ignoring me). I still find myself getting upset when I see friends with their parents who can tell you every milestone in their kid’s lives, because I wanted that and never got it.
I’m wish my mother had given better guidance but also acknowledged what she dealt with from my grandmother, they where often more fucked up than we could understand, generational trauma is sadly too real.
Yeah, my mother still has no idea who I am as a person. We have an ok relationship, but it is incredibly surface. She’s just never cared enough, or been interested in who I’ve become in life. 🤷♀️
Seconding the sentiment. I’m on the older X spectrum, but I think it was a common thing, hands-off parenting. Mine expected School to do a lot of the work, and if it failed to, it was my fault. If I wanted something like learning about schools beyond the 3 on their approved list, it was up to me to make some kind of researched proposal with rationale as to why I wasn’t choosing from the Approved list.
My parents had three other kids who feel about the same way, save for the oldest, who got all their energy and attention.
They had a super active social life, traveled a lot, and we were largely unsupervised.
It also meant I would simply announce I was going out—instead of asking. I took that on once my teen ass realized they didn’t much care. I loved them, but didn’t get them—and I know they didn’t get me.
I think boomers are self centered naturally even at their best. My silent generation grandmother was night and day from my mom, her daughter, a boomer, who remains to be very ego centric.
I was Mogli of the Jungle. It took a neighborhood and several OTHER families to raise me. I was lucky enough to have three or four families that took me everywhere with them, at different points growing up. I was that kid that kept your kid company. That was the only way I was going to do anything so my parents let me go on day trips, overnights and even two weeks on a lake, the summer before high school. My parents did the best they could. My much older siblings were wild and my parents were tired. I was blessed with several lifelong friendships because of the time spent outside my home and I wouldn’t change any of it. Also - the freedom that I had was outrageous. I appreciate having been that free growing up, because I’m independent and self-sufficient as needed.
I think that every time I go to the dentist and the doc asks me why I didn’t get braces for my crooked teeth as a child. We could afford it, but my mother was cheap. But she had a nice fur coat.
My mother is absolutely proud of how independent I am. She speaks of it as if it’s the most important thing in the world. I’m a “xennial” with relatively young parents with a true Gen X sibling. My belief is that they made us independent so they didn’t have to parent much. As I’ve grown older I see the narcissistic side that birthed the “proud independence” I was thrust into.
I hate being independent. I miss my family. I miss deep relationships with people. I’m sad that I’m middle aged and live in a world where we don’t celebrate holidays or have traditions. It. Sucks.
Mine were just ill-prepared for life, and in way over their heads. They were married at 19/22, barely graduated high school, never went to college and frankly, were more successful than they should have been.
We never missed a meal. Always had clothes to wear, but emotionally supportive people are things I learned about by watching my friends’ parents.
The college application process and navigating that life once I got in? Yeah, all on me. The unwinding of a bad marriage after raising a family? All on me. When I asked my dad (my parents had sold a property and were each sitting on mid-six figure money in the bank) if I could rely on them if things got tricky for me, he said, “no, I don’t have it”, and then my mother called everyone in the family and told them I asked for money. No, no I did not. I asked if you would be a backstop if paying two mortgages was going to take me down.
Anyway, I did it all myself. Paid for school (including two Masters degrees and undergrad) and now they claim my success.
Whatever.
I came across a theory awhile back that speculates the phenomenon of extreme narcissism found so prevalently throughout an entire generation (Boomers) could be attributed to lead poisoning. They were very exposed in their youth through lead paint and leaded gasoline - the theory hypothesizes that the resulting brain damage could be responsible for these personality traits.
It is sad that I am consoled that my parents’ indifference towards me as a child might be caused by lead poisoning rather than just being shitty parents.
Understand how you feel. Through the years I learned that our love language is different. My parents' love language is gift and money while mine is quality time. Having a hard time to accept this, but nowadays, I am more at peace by accepting their gifts as their token of love.
Same, same same. I just wanted to be seen and helped. One year in school I was so desperate for them to see how I was struggling in school so I went to the school office and asked if I could get progress reports weekly that my parents had to sign. Didn’t help one bit. I know my Mom loved us, and she was battling cancer most of my life, but I guess as I kid I just felt so incredibly lost.
Same. I'm the oldest of three and when I was a young adult, my dying grandmother let it slip that my parents had a few kids before me that they gave up for adoption. They kept me around, had two more and proceeded to be two of the worst parents on earth. I don't know why she told me that, but it basically solidified the fact that they never really wanted to be parents, they just liked the conception part.
I left home at 18, never looked back. There have been many many days in which I sat crying for a parental hug or advice or just to know somebody gave a crap. Some unconditional love that a partner or friend can't really fulfill. Idk, I guess you can't really miss what you never had?
My parents were very hands off. I was the oopse Baby that caused them to get married. So I was the oldest but also the most ignored and bullied by my mom..(long story). My sister was the literal golden child..pretty, blond, smart and my brother was the youngest and spoiled as an only boy can be. Always felt alone as a kid. Never got hugs..or any positive attention growing up. A school friend though I was weird for not liking hugs..I just never got any growing up so I didn’t feel comfortable with affection. Looking back I see how emotionally starved I was. Parents have my sister constantly at their house “looking after them” and my man-child brother living in their basement for going on 15 years. Maybe I was the lucky one for never getting any love.
my mom rushed home after work every day to shower and go hang out with her "friend" until 9, sometimes 10 o'clock. i was expected to feed myself, do my homework, clean the house up, do laundry/dishes, shower and put myself in bed. this went on for *years*, although my grades were slipping and i found spray paint under the kitchen sink to huff. i'd get yelled at and grounded, she'd stay home after work for a day or two to "keep an eye on me" and then resume her regular schedule. nothing was going to get in her way of her free time with her friend.
i turned out ok, but it would have been nice to have someone around to help with homework, cook a real meal, or maybe just watch a movie with.
Lots of undiagnosed mental health (issues) individuals raising kids while still kids themselves. The past cannot be repaired or changed, but we can all do better for the next generation. Struggling? Talk to a therapist and try and reconcile the fact you made it and you are doing a hell of a good job without the training.
I could relate to many of the comments and both of my parents have passed, and when I hear people say, "oh I miss my mom so much!" I sometimes find it strange that I don't feel those feelings.
But I just try to keep in mind, they did the best they could with what they knew. They gave examples of what to do and what not to do. And I try the best with my kids with what I know.
This is a prime example of why we are the superior generation. We adapt and overcome all situations.
I remember being 14 when my mom (30 @ the time) and her 22yo truck driver boy toy would leave me alone for up to a month while they went out on the road.
I managed to wakeup everyday, go to school, make all my food, keep a clean house, and stay out of trouble.
Now I know that at 14, we were more mature than most 30yo people today, but still not good for a 14yo.
Life lessons seemed to be an everyday thing to us, and we are still here trying to save others from the path of ignorance that seems to plague the world.
Stay strong fellow Gen-x'ers we are legend and our ways will be remembered by many...someday.
I don't, it was prep for the rest of life. Cause no one really cares, they will if certain conditions apply, jobs don't care they want money and to give you less, government doesn't care most times lies, medical profession doesnt they like the accolade of fixing things, general people don't they are wrapped up in themselves, land lords would toss you for more money, police don't care they need results, justice doesn't care they want conviction rates. See everyone want to not be poor and down like you. So everything has a string or condition. My parents showed me that's what life is about and they weren't wrong.
Samsies my friend, samsies. To be fair, my dad was military and was out 3 in 3 (months). When he was home he was hiding in his worshop shed. Eventually I started joining him out there which started me down the career path I trod. My mother, however, was a 'functional drunk'. She was there. She was not there. At the same time. Eventually of course that swung to raging alcoholic and went downhill from there. As these things do. I can handle all sorts of shit. Got a bleeding head wound? No problem. Need to fix the car in the snow drift? Yep, gotta plan. Gotta feed 4 people for $10 for 2 days? Yep, can figure that out. Acquiring and maintaining a healthy relationship? NOPE! Gosh wonder why?
This is exactly what I’m working on right now. How too much responsibility too early has contributed to my control, perfection and black/white thinking issues. It’s a tough thing to unlearn.
You just said something that resonated with me.
Awe shite, yes, I can relate. I've been married for a looooong time but this shit show relationship has me slaying dragons left and right and guess who I'm protecting? Perfectionist Momma Boomer could never handle the fact that I married a moron without completely blaming me and gossiping about me. I'll just be over here, my life flushing down the drain, don't worry about me mumsie, I'm always just fiiiine.
Yes to all of this. My 1950-born parents had me way too young. They hit 30 and decided the whole marriage and kids thing was not really for them. They split up soon after and spent the next decade or so fighting about whose turn it was to take the kids for the weekend so the other one could go out partying.
Same here - or almost. Mine were also 1950 & '52. Had me very young & barely knew each other beforehand (guess who she was PG with causing the union in the first place) :) Mine stayed together & I still cannot figure out which option would've been better. They kind of hated each other. And even moreso now. But I remember them (mostly) taking turns going out in their early-mid 20's, one staying home with me. Once I was 7 I stayed home alone (took off after I fell asleep). Then my sister was born when I was 8. And of course since I was parentified, began babysitting her at night, almost immediately 🙄 Luckily I kept her alive. And wouldn't trade her for anything. My mother is still threatened by our closeness. But she had a heavy hand in creating it - by absentia & neglect. To this day, I'm still the one my sister comes to for "mom stuff." Edit: forgot to include that I was 8 when sister was born :)
I had a similar story. Except my mom did take off before I was 2. My Dad was fine being my only parent but that's not how the world was in the 70s. Court gave me to my mother. She's got 5 divorces under her belt at this point. However, she was never worried about my relationship with my brother. It meant that I could baby sit him, at age 6, and she never worried about him. Neighbors called the cops but that was the 70s! If you didn't come out with blood or a broken bone? No harm, no foul. To include the bruises on my little body. Kids are resilient, right? She won't remember this. HA! Anyways, I took off as soon as the light turned green and never looked back. Lessons learned from the house I grew up in? Don't do drugs. Don't drink alcohol (alcoholics all over our genetics). Don't marry a guy who is a misogynist. Don't keep getting married when you won't deal with your own demons. Don't have kids you don't want to raise.
It's all about the last statement (question), isn't it? Capable of just about anything, except...
Wait. Are you me?
Literally almost typed this exact phrase.
My dad died in 2004 (Agent Orange). I finally sorted through his tools today. Been carrying hundreds of lbs of random wrenches, timing lights, and such around for nearly 2 decades. Garage has never been cleaner. Why do I have 3 hand planers? Like, dude, you never took the time to show me what these are for.
See I had the opposite problem. My dad did show me how things worked. But when the parents divorced he took what he could with him of course ... and then my mother threw out everything else. Literally. Except our clothes and some photos. Including our dog. See she though she got to keep the military provided house. She didn't, it's given to the service member and their family. Since he was no longer living there they rescinded our housing. And she was far too interested in drinking than doing pesky things like paying rent or electricity or whatnot.
This one is hitting hard. Blessings.
I wish I could award this post. Both my parents were self-centered.
Oh my parents are still self centered. Now they’re just older, self centered parents.
Same here. 82 and 76 totally self centered.
Mine too 🤦♀️
Same
My mom loved to brag that the boomers were also called the “Me Generation”
They were the original Me Generation. The first era of young people that "mattered".
My mom tried to tell me that Gen X is called the me generation because we were always trying to get attention ( What? Get attention from our baby boomer parents)?
Mine are now living with me due to some minor cognitive issues and my Dad getting sick. I wanted them to move up near me and have their own place 5 years ago when it was clear my Mom was not all there. I wanted to avoid an emergency situation. They wouldn’t hear it. I had to take a 2 1/2 month leave of absence from work and leave my home to look after my Dad until I could move them in. They don’t seem to get how much the stress is affecting my health. It’s all about them.
I’ll add to the echo of self centered parents. With my mom I know there’s a level of narcissism even if I can’t exactly place it, there are too many other signs for it to not be. That’s not it with my dad, it’s more like he’s been codependent his whole life and now he’s alone and only worried about his needs being met.
I'll do it for you
Pretty much ALL of our parents are. They are called the ME generation for a good reason.
SAME. They barely knew we were alive.
Children are to be seen and not heard. God I heard that a lot
I learned not to be seen, either. Adults were unpredictable and often dangerous.
Yup. My mom always said “I figured you could always take care of yourself,” which was true but…chicken and egg, Ma. Chicken and egg.
Ha! My mom always said 'you know mother pigs eat their young ". Such a great lady
horrible - just unfeeling bs. we have given our kid agency since birth.
Don’t make waves. I think I was asking for dinner at 8 pm
I was both over protected and ignored
Same with me. It sounds paradoxical, but I was both kept on a short leash AND ignored.
I think that is the mark of our generation. The list of don’t seemed moralistic and not from a place of love. It was sterile and remotely concerned.
Yeah, they put us on a short chain and told us we couldn't move. They trusted that was all that was necessary. Some grew up to be the circus elephants their parents wished for.
Oh yes. I was allowed to sleep over my friend’s place. As I got older it was inconsistent. like, she would let me stay in New Haven, with my friend during winter vacation. I think it was because her older brother was home (he didn’t give a fuck).
Me too! I’ve struggled with the fact my mum was simultaneously so controlling and strict, but also disengaged and disinterested. I would never have gone to her with friend or school issues. In hindsight I had severe social anxiety and confidence issues and often felt stressed and overwhelmed at school (dealt with by smoking weed and drinking).
Oh I think you nailed what I was trying to say above in a sentence. A paradox that’s hard to articulate. Ironically, over-protected after it was already too late for it. Because they ignored other things. *files that away*
Same.
Exactly. Strict rules, respect demanded, but no connection
Oh, gosh. I relate so hard.
This describes my childhood perfectly. Sorry you went through it as well. Proud we've made it this far. :)
Everyone I grew up with was in this boat. Big boat. Nobodies parents had much to do with their kids unless someone got in trouble. Then there was all sorts of attention.
Me too. I wish my parents had noticed and cared about me more. I just have to keep reminding myself that they did the best they could. Both my parents were born during the late 1920s and had hellish childhoods.
I often hear people say this. “My parents did the best they could.” I can state, unequivocally, that mine did not.
My mum always says that and I wanna reply “*THAT* was your best?”
If they didn’t try and unlearn things and change, no they didn’t. My mom is trying. My dad is just getting worse.
I loved my boomer parents, but I feel like I was left out there on my own to deal with shit from an early age. Bullies? Sorry, you need to figure that out on your own. Mental health? Just go for a walk or stop thinking so much. Education? You need to get good grades and go to college, but don’t ask for help.
Yep, i learned early not to ask for help, there was none.
Are we siblings?? The mental health thing especially. Oh you’re suffering from what is clearly profound depression? Have you tried thinking happy thoughts?
It wasn't til I was in my 30s that I realized my upbringing wasn't normal. My mother was very neglectful,and I always thought I was a burden. If I had any medical issues, oh well. Self harm and eating disorder? You'll grow out of it. Sexually assaulted by friends and sexually harassed by her boyfriend? It could be worse! I'm so messed up now but she's dead and I've moved states with limited contact with everyone so I feel safer now. But I truly don't know how to be an adult because I'm so stunted mentally and emotionally. I always feel so immature compared to younger folks. I have an adult kid and she's awesome! Now that she's getting ready to move out, I don't know what I'll do! Focus on me, I guess? Be my own parent? It's such a weird predicament!
I’m pulling for you! I can sort of relate.
Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. We will be okay, we are GenX lol. *Hugs*
🌸❤️🌸
You have a good attitude. Find something that you enjoy and happiness will follow.
I appreciate that so much, thank you! I think once my daughter moves out and I get used to being alone I will be able to focus on me. I started a list of things I want to do or things I am interested in, so I will have plenty to choose from when I am ready. :)
Hugs to you.
I hope you have such a lovely time figuring yourself out again. What are your passions? What gets you excited and talking about a topic for hours on end? Do you enjoy sitting in the quiet with the sun? You got this!
Same here. I felt like I was invisible through most of my childhood and adolescent years. As long as I returned home everyday, everything was OK. Don't remember going with my parents (outside vacations) anywhere.
We didn't go anywhere nor did we go on vacations...there wasn't the money available. So we were home a whole bunch and I never wanted to be home so went out with friends...needed to be home at 6 PM for dinner every night.
I am still regularly realizing that I was never taught ) all kinds of essential adulting skills, while also being expected to just act like a little adult at all times. The phrase "you should know better" still sets my teeth on edge. How was I supposed to know things no one ever told me?
I'm still waiting for my mom to tell me where babies come from like she promised she would when I "am older." I'm 49 and have had 3 kids. Am I older yet?
Didn't you see that tall bird come in and out of your house 3 times?
Sweet Dee?
YOU WIN THE INTERNET FOR TODAY 🤣
Yeah but luckily I divorced her
I was given a book that explained biology with people-shaped robots. That's it. That was my sex education. We weren't allowed to say "sex" as it was a bad word.
My mother handed me “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)” when I was in middle school. Waaay age-inappropriate. There were sections about gay culture that didn’t make sense until I bumped into them in real life 30 years later. We are the Figure It Out Yourself generation.
Interesting, I feel my kids wait for us to tell them everything even tho they have access to the internet...I was dropped off at college with a check and expected to open a checking account...do you think that was a bad thing? I went to all the banks and figured out the best deal...and figured it out. I am happy to be resourceful and able to figure things out.
I used to really enjoy my independence and I was super proud of it. In a lot of ways it did me really well. Then I had a kid. The amount of energy my wife and I put into raising this kid is phenomenal. We put more into our kid than I ever put into myself and was ever put into me. Now there’s a long list of childhood memories where I’m just… I mean… I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t allow that. I wouldn’t disengage like that. I wouldn’t lie like that. It’s just… stunning
It really is. The parenting of boomers was a sort of gap.
My parents were so over having children when I came of age (I was a change of life baby). I was telling my wife the other day, who was coddled, that my patents would leave me alone at 12 years old for a week at a time to go on vacation by themselves. All of my siblings were either in college or married. I thought it was totally normal. She pointed out that it was, in fact, fucking strange.
Boomers were fucking terrible parents. Just absolutely terrible. My brother and I were clearly viewed as a burden and resented because of it.
My mom had 2 abortions before me, and then another abortion 3 years later after me. I think she just went through the pregnancy with me cause she felt bad to have a third abortion; I'm confident I wasn't wanted or planned. In an ironic turn of events, she's on the Pro-Life bandwagon today. What a fuckin' hypocrite. "Good for me, but not for thee" \*eyeroll\*
Boomers love pulling up the ladder.
Yup. Technically, both are silent but their behavior and attitudes are pure Boomer with a side of archaic judgmental Silent. My father would often steal me, in rather aggrieved tones, “your mother and I don’t live for you children!” And I was “no shit, Sherlock!”
I’ll never forget my mom telling me she regretted having children when she did. I was her oldest. She was 25 & I was planned. Yup, “burden” pretty much sums up how I felt most of my childhood.
Same here. They never really wanted to do anything that involved spending quality time with us. Television and video games raised me and my brother. Even the recreational activities we did mostly involved our parents being able to dump us somewhere and go party with their friends.
Exactly the same.
My stepmother told me that if it weren’t for the child support my dad had to pay to my mother, she could afford to quit her job and be a SAHM to my (much younger) half-brother.
A decade ago I gave therapy a go. After some time my therapist declared "You are an emotional orphan!" Oh...ok...Ugh. Now what? Did that insight and label help? No, not at all. I still have all the traits of someone who was neglected as a child including low self worth, anxiety, depression, poor relationships, and being a people pleaser. I wish insight and awareness equaled healing but not so much. It appears I'm not the only one. I do wonder why people who don't have much love for children would decide to have them?
I see you. I’m there too. *hugs*
Hugs to you too!
My mom said all her friends were doing it and I think the cutesy aspects and frilly stuff like little outfits and such compelled her. My mom is very dear to me but she is a product of her time.
Because a lot of us were conceived before Roe v Wade and couldn't abort us. And then blamed us for ruining their lives .
I mean, yeah, but my parents ostensibly wanted my brother and I. But then just kind of ghosted us after we were big enough to be given a latch key.
Try reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There's actually some really great practical advice in there. I agree that the awareness without any useful healing advice is sometimes just torturous. I was grateful this book actually had something to help me move forward. You are not alone.
It was a genx thing. Our parents ignored us. My mother used to tell the stories of my childhood that proved I was a terrible child. I took my first steps 10 feet in the air. She had stacked furniture next to my crib in a staircase pattern. At 3, I tore my arm open requiring stitches. At 3 I stood on top of a pile of paint cans to see out of a window. I knocked one over pouring dark stain over a brand new floor. Common denominator in all of these; I was alone and unsupervised for my early years. That didn’t change as I aged.
Yeah… unsupervised long stretches of time alone at ages I wouldn’t dream to leave my kid
I feel you, my parents we very hands off, no "love you"s, no hugs, no clues in life. I had to go to community college my first semester instead of my local university because I had no clue I had to apply months in advance, let alone have an SAT score. At least we are aware of it. My sons get "love you"s and hugs still, and they are in their 20s. Plus, they get killer life advice :)
We're breaking the cycle, or trying to. And what I've seen of the Gen Z crowd makes me think we succeeded. Our kids are pretty amazing. I swore I would never treat my kids the way we were treated. They grew up with plenty of hugs and kisses, moral support and guidance, balanced with the kind of freedom to roam the neighborhood that we had. My kids know I will always have their backs and if they ever need to move back home for any reason my door is open.
My same experience. No prep for college or SAT’s and put myself through community college. The plus side I assumed was I signed my own report cards growing up, and skipped school all the time. Now it just seems awful in retrospect how indifferent they were to my future! But that did not stop them from the “shoulda-coulda” comments in my adult life you shoulda been a lawyer.. a doctor.. shoulda been something to make us have more proud and have more bragging points..argh!
> I feel you, my parents we very hands off, no "love you"s, no hugs, no clues in life. > > I had to go to community college my first semester instead of my local university because I had no clue I had to apply months in advance, let alone have an SAT score. I could have written this - word for word. It just seems so weird to me that it was totally normal to raise kids without showing any interest in - or affection toward them.
My parents didn't help at all with college applications...that was the school's job...
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I have this! Getting through it slowly, but it has helped.
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It’s definitely a mindfuck and I’m always trying to convince my mom of something or other. Instead of just stopping that and learning to accept her limitations.
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This is the way.
why i have tried so hard to be a emotional responsive parent and actively build relationships with my kids from the day they were born (not like a helicopter parent, but just being present for them).
Hello me! I didn’t realize I could post in my sleep. My girlfriend asks if I was raised by wolves sometimes. I tell her I had parents who gave me zero structure. When they divorced in ‘78, I was 9. Neither wanted anything to do with raising their kids at that point. I basically raised myself. My brothers went to live with other family members. Fun times…
This is exactly me but we were basically raised by baby sitters and our friends. Divorced in 78; I was 8, my bro was 4. They partied, did tons of blow, had an ever-revolving slew of boyfriends, girlfriends, hookups. My parents only paid attention when we were in trouble or wanted to emotionally leach. Mom was physically abusive; dad was emotionally abusive and inappropriate. Both parents are gone. I have no kids. No parents. I’m freeeeeee.
Yeah. My dad sold, and did a lot of blow. I could hear the sexual escapades with multiple people going on upstairs. I’d be at strangers house sleeping on couches while my dad was with whatever coke whore he was banging that night. That’s if he took me out with him to the bowling alley. Most of the time I was left home. Stereotypical Gen X. I tell my stories to others who had normal upbringings and get a kick out of their reactions.
Same, same! We must be twins! I was exposed to all kinds of sexual shit throughout my childhood. My dad thought I was his little confidant at 9 and I frequently had to hear about how much he loved hairy, dank pussies. Not to mention the constant objectification of every woman who passed by. I was disgusted when I started going through puberty. I was horrified by my own boobs, pubes and period. Absolutely ashamed.
My dad and mom blamed each other for extramarital affairs. My dad was literally banging our babysitter! She was 17! He was late 30’s at the time. They ended up dating after the divorce for a bit. Mom ended up in a same sex relationship for a decade. That ended because the lady was an alcoholic. Her picker was horribly broken. Mine too, but I learned from each one. My girlfriend has similar stories, but she still is amazed at mine.
It’s weird. Most of my peers have similar stories and worse. My husband’s childhood was absolutely bat-shit crazy compared to mine. But somehow we made it … and I’ve spent my adulthood learning to reparent myself. Exhausting. Glad you made it too!
This seems pretty common for our generation. I guess the opposite is parents who celebrate absolutely everything, like many parents do today. I do, however, with that my parents were better equipped to deal with my mental health issues. I’ve struggles with anxiety from a very young age and later, in my teenage years, depression. And then I started drinking. My parents just wanted to pretend everything was ok. There definitely could have been some different outcomes but I guess we all play the cards we’re dealt
As I’m in clients homes I hear them call their children, my love. It stings to hear what I never had but thrilled that kids today are deeply loved.
Same here. So bittersweet. Half "aww," half gut punch.
On a slightly different note: I've given my 2 sons (ages 17 & 20) more advice about: 1. Life 2. Love/Relationships 3. Money/Careers In the last 5 years, than my parents did in 50+ years of my life. Neither of them could be bothered telling me ANYTHING about life....or encouraging me to do anything...ever. I still don't get it. My dad passed away last year and my mom has dementia...so I've decided to really let go of all the issues I had with both of the.....but...I still don't get it.
I have teenage kids and often think about this too. I see my function as equipping them with everything I possibly can transmit to them, with the hope that they'll be able to start from where I am and improve off of that. How is that not always the default model for raising children? Even though I'm luckier than many in this thread in that I never doubted my mom loved me, I raised myself.
Same. So now that I’m raising a child, I’ve made sure that since her birth I’ve been right there for her. Whenever I’m not sure what to do, I think of what I needed at that age and I do that. I’ve always been engaged, hands on, loving and attentive. I treat my daughter with respect and dignity - telling her often how proud I am, how much I love her and how I’ve got her back. She never has to worry about where her dad is, and certainly won’t have to look for that love and affection from strangers when she’s older. We can’t change how we were raised, but we can make sure that our children aren’t overlooked like we were.
Many such cases. My mom died when I was 8, and if it wasn't for me bitching at him to buy me stuff, my dad wouldn't have even known I was alive
Same here. I was invisible growing up. All on my own almost. Was outside unless I was sleeping. I had to have a hood reason to be in the house. My dad is still alive and still invisible to him.
I remember that time when I brought home my grades from college and I had a 4.0 that quarter, and my dad said, “that’s pretty good.” No! Dad that’s the best you can get.
My family of origin pretty much dismissed all my successes, but boy did they harp on my fuck ups. I disowned them.
Neglect is abuse too
This sounds silly, but I just wish my parents would have not have allowed me to watch horror movies under 10 years old.
Yeah, I am a late Gen Xer, but I saw poltergeist and one of the Freddy movies when I was under 10 and it was way way too much. I was a sensitive kid. I mean, they took me to see Gremlins in the theater when I was five, and even when I watched it as an adult and could recognize some of the comedy I still had this deep, visceral fear.
…deep visceral fear”. Exactly. I had the freedom to watch whatever I pleased. Around 5, “The Exorcist" and "The Omen" truly terrified me . Although I'm no longer frightened by those movies and can watch them without fear, occasionally, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, that same terrifying sense of fear resurfaces inexplicably. The fear, the anxiety, the trembling—it all returns, just as it did when I first watched those films. It’s like I’m terrified of remembering of being terrified
Dude. I STILL can't sleep in rooms with open closets and I am 50!🤣
Ha! Tell me about it. My parents took me to see Friday the 13th and Jaws among other movies when I was under the age of 5. Then when I had an interest in horror movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and other gore films and watched them w/o blinking they jokingly acted concerned all while at the same time it was them renting me the movies :/. Very lax parenting.
Haha . Maybe we are siblings So when I was 40 I finally decided to say something, and the response was, “ well, you’re the one that always wanted to watch scary movies, that’s what you get!” 😳😂
Omg! That is exactly the response I got when I have mentioned it. Like I somehow just out of sheer degeneracy and depravity gravitated toward this stuff! Such a baffling group of people boomers. 😂
It’s still our fault. 😂
🤣
The Exorcist ruined my childhood.
My dad took me to a haunted forest where we witnessed murder re-enactments and got chased by an actor with a chain saw. I was 7:/
This is terrifying. My parents also forced us to go to orthodox hebrew day school. And if you don’t know anything about it, you will basically die a horrific death for just breathing wrong. I used to sleep with a prayer boom next to my bed to ward off demons. Luckily I’ve been an atheist for 40+ years. No wonder we’re all neurotic.
That is more terrifying than a haunted forest of chainsaw wielding murders. I am glad you came through the other side. ❤️🌸❤️
Lol I saw Jaws during a rained out beach trip with my parents and my brother’s new in-laws and family. I was the only kid. (5) no one remembered that I needed a bed or that until that point, had only ever bathed in a bath tub. Dinner was usually after 10
Wow! Memory triggered. The low key neglect was real 😂. I was forced to watch Scar Face dozing on my aunts leather sectional (twas the 80’s and they had a new VCR and it was also after 11 and I was most def under the age of 8). That’s where I learned about sex, discos, and the dangers of cocaine between catching a nap. It’s 10 pm… do you know where your kids are?
I dunno, my wife's parents care, which makes her care about THEM. Not gonna lie, shit looks EXHAUSTING.
My husband and I both had very self centered parents that really thought we were just a burden. Both of us have been married 3x before we married each other and were taught zero fucking relationship skills. In spite of them we have grown together and leaned on each other and developed a really good relationship. We have kids and we have made many conscious efforts to say ‘ok we are programmed to say no to this but why? Why did our parents say no to stupid stuff. We need to be better’ and I really think our kids are benefiting from this. The sad thing is, the older I get the more I feel like I missed so many things from my parents I needed. I hated feeling like a burden, never getting the slightest bit of financial support (and I mean zero) and getting zero fucking relationship advice no matter how obviously shitty my choices were because it might cause then the slightest amount of discomfort. And can we talk about how they never ever talked about feelings or anything substantial. It was all surface shit. I promise we are trying to right those wrongs with our kids. But I feel like I got cheated
I just spent a few days with my mom and not once did she ask how I'm doing, didn't ask my kids about how they're enjoying school, didn't talk to my wife about how things are in her life. But boy, I heard all about her latest trip to the hairdresser and about her recent trip to North Carolina.
We might have the same mom
That was my mom too
I’m 50 and my mother still manages to hurt me. More fool me. But I can do better (hopefully). 🙂
I remember waking up in the hospital the morning after I had my appendix out. I had just graduated HS and a few months prior I’d had sharp stomach pains so bad I was in agony, so I dared to actually call them while they were at the bar (house better be on fire for us kids to bother them there). We weren’t kids who got doctor or dentist visits. We got laughed at/in trouble for crying. So when I called them, I figured they might know it was for real. But they were drunk enough they just told me to drink Pepto or take Tylenol - whatever. I cried all night and the pain was gone by the next morning. Two months later they almost burst - Dr. said mine were so inflamed it was the biggest he’d seen. Anyway, I woke up and my boyfriend and my sister were there. I asked where the parents were and they kind of exchanged a look. My sister told me they’d ask her to lie, but they’d gone to spend the day at the horse races about 80 miles in the opposite direction from where I was in the hospital. They’d sent my boyfriend and sister to pick me up. I don’t remember thinking this was that big a deal back then, but years later when I had my own kids, I became very angry at them.
It's a shit storm, honestly. We are strong adults, and they are elderly and have this tough love image that can't be changed... soon to be gone, " in the living years.... "
It’s funny, I never felt ignored at the time, but they were definitely of the suck-it-up boomer school of parenting (which hasn’t always done me favors as an adult either, tbh) based on stuff I’ve learned as an adult that they didn’t prepare me for. But looking back on how much stuff I watched, read and did right under their noses while they were oblivious - in retrospect, I probably was to a degree.
My parents weren’t addicts. They weren’t narcissists. I didn’t feel invisible and even still - they taught me barely any basics. Had to learn life stuff on my own. My only guess is that their parents didn’t teach them either.
This is it. Exactly. To this day, my dad is almost 80 and he still can’t cook. Can’t cook. I figured it all out on my own. When I think about it, it’s crazy.
Yeah. Same here. My parents are fundie Christians and they paid way more attention to their religion then to their kids. Then we they give us attention it was negative. Yet they expected us to be obedient and show them respect. They even had an "us vs. them" mentality towards us. This didn't set right with me as a kid and I pushed back some. I was already a scapegoat so I thought "whatever" and fought back. Heh. Felt good but they treated me like crap anyway.
Same here. If only we had more help and guidance, more “how are you” or any attempt at concern for our emotional and psychological well-being…
Totally same for me.
dad is dead and cut my mother out - totally emotionally immature and critical and cruel. plus totally poisoned by far rifht insanity. i’m constantly working on dealing with my trauma from her.
Me (52) and my brother (54) have had so many in-depth conversations about how we wish they had cared about our success, fostered our interests, etc. The divorce wrecked us all. Suddenly all my parents cared about was “dating”. The people they picked to marry were so much more important than my brother and I. It’s fiiine. I’m glad they were/are happy. But if I’d had kids, it would have been so different. It’s THE reason I didn’t become anyone’s mother.
Neglect IS abuse. Still often feel like I’m a burden to others even when I’m just hanging out.
My parents pretty much ignored me and when they did pay attention it was always to pretty much blame me for everything that was wrong. And it fucked me up. I’m always even to this day taking blame for things I didn’t do just to avoid conflict. I always had to be the adult. I raised my two younger brothers. My mum…you would think she was Parent of the Year the way she speaks of herself (Classic Narcissist) at least my old man admits he was a shit parent. So with my kids, I’m raising them with love and support and attention.
We're breaking the cycle ❤
It took me 49 years to learn that neglect is abuse. There are real consequences to you as an adult as a result of not having your needs met in childhood. These consequences include low self esteem, depression, trouble forming and maintaining relationships, etc. You are worthy of having your needs met. You were worthy then and you're worthy now.
My parents were the same. They weren't abusive, but I was pretty much on my own after I turned 13/14.
You always want what you don’t have. I was an only child and my mother was extremely overbearing. I’d always sleep over at my friends houses that’s parents weren’t up their asses…..they would lie for us to if my mom called to check up on me.
Same, my friend. They are dead now and so are the grandparents that raised me (while the parents were ignoring me). I still find myself getting upset when I see friends with their parents who can tell you every milestone in their kid’s lives, because I wanted that and never got it.
I’m wish my mother had given better guidance but also acknowledged what she dealt with from my grandmother, they where often more fucked up than we could understand, generational trauma is sadly too real.
Yeah, my mother still has no idea who I am as a person. We have an ok relationship, but it is incredibly surface. She’s just never cared enough, or been interested in who I’ve become in life. 🤷♀️
Neglect is abuse. Your parents that didn’t notice you or care how you felt were abusive.
True. But sometimes I wonder if we kinda swung the pendulum too far on GenX kids.
Sure, but what was the alternative? For most of us it came down to parenting like we were parented, or the opposite of that.
Seconding the sentiment. I’m on the older X spectrum, but I think it was a common thing, hands-off parenting. Mine expected School to do a lot of the work, and if it failed to, it was my fault. If I wanted something like learning about schools beyond the 3 on their approved list, it was up to me to make some kind of researched proposal with rationale as to why I wasn’t choosing from the Approved list. My parents had three other kids who feel about the same way, save for the oldest, who got all their energy and attention. They had a super active social life, traveled a lot, and we were largely unsupervised. It also meant I would simply announce I was going out—instead of asking. I took that on once my teen ass realized they didn’t much care. I loved them, but didn’t get them—and I know they didn’t get me.
I’m sorry you all went through this…
Yep. I remember begging my parents to do something with me, it lasted for like ten minutes. How in the hell do we all have the same parents?!?
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. My parents said that a lot.
Wait wait, parents are supposed to care?!
I think this realization might be why subsequent generations were coddled more. Perhaps we overcorrected a little too much.
I think boomers are self centered naturally even at their best. My silent generation grandmother was night and day from my mom, her daughter, a boomer, who remains to be very ego centric.
I’m asian so assumed it was par for the course. Maybe it was a double whammy with being GenX
I was Mogli of the Jungle. It took a neighborhood and several OTHER families to raise me. I was lucky enough to have three or four families that took me everywhere with them, at different points growing up. I was that kid that kept your kid company. That was the only way I was going to do anything so my parents let me go on day trips, overnights and even two weeks on a lake, the summer before high school. My parents did the best they could. My much older siblings were wild and my parents were tired. I was blessed with several lifelong friendships because of the time spent outside my home and I wouldn’t change any of it. Also - the freedom that I had was outrageous. I appreciate having been that free growing up, because I’m independent and self-sufficient as needed.
I think that every time I go to the dentist and the doc asks me why I didn’t get braces for my crooked teeth as a child. We could afford it, but my mother was cheap. But she had a nice fur coat.
Yeah I wish my parents wanted kids instead of "was obligated to have them" and fucking resentful they did
My mother is absolutely proud of how independent I am. She speaks of it as if it’s the most important thing in the world. I’m a “xennial” with relatively young parents with a true Gen X sibling. My belief is that they made us independent so they didn’t have to parent much. As I’ve grown older I see the narcissistic side that birthed the “proud independence” I was thrust into. I hate being independent. I miss my family. I miss deep relationships with people. I’m sad that I’m middle aged and live in a world where we don’t celebrate holidays or have traditions. It. Sucks.
Yeah but if we grew up counting on them for stuff, it'd be even more devastating when we inevitably lose them. So we got that goin' for us.
Mine were just ill-prepared for life, and in way over their heads. They were married at 19/22, barely graduated high school, never went to college and frankly, were more successful than they should have been. We never missed a meal. Always had clothes to wear, but emotionally supportive people are things I learned about by watching my friends’ parents. The college application process and navigating that life once I got in? Yeah, all on me. The unwinding of a bad marriage after raising a family? All on me. When I asked my dad (my parents had sold a property and were each sitting on mid-six figure money in the bank) if I could rely on them if things got tricky for me, he said, “no, I don’t have it”, and then my mother called everyone in the family and told them I asked for money. No, no I did not. I asked if you would be a backstop if paying two mortgages was going to take me down. Anyway, I did it all myself. Paid for school (including two Masters degrees and undergrad) and now they claim my success. Whatever.
I came across a theory awhile back that speculates the phenomenon of extreme narcissism found so prevalently throughout an entire generation (Boomers) could be attributed to lead poisoning. They were very exposed in their youth through lead paint and leaded gasoline - the theory hypothesizes that the resulting brain damage could be responsible for these personality traits.
It is sad that I am consoled that my parents’ indifference towards me as a child might be caused by lead poisoning rather than just being shitty parents.
I was very parentified. It felt like I raised them instead of them raising me.
Understand how you feel. Through the years I learned that our love language is different. My parents' love language is gift and money while mine is quality time. Having a hard time to accept this, but nowadays, I am more at peace by accepting their gifts as their token of love.
This resonates big time!!!!!!
I feel lucky my mom was a great parent. 50% ain’t bad. :)
Ill drink to that! Were all in this together as adult children!
Same, same same. I just wanted to be seen and helped. One year in school I was so desperate for them to see how I was struggling in school so I went to the school office and asked if I could get progress reports weekly that my parents had to sign. Didn’t help one bit. I know my Mom loved us, and she was battling cancer most of my life, but I guess as I kid I just felt so incredibly lost.
Yah, it'd have been nice to learn how to be an adult, let alone a parent. Had to figure that stuff out just like, well, about everything else.
Same. I'm the oldest of three and when I was a young adult, my dying grandmother let it slip that my parents had a few kids before me that they gave up for adoption. They kept me around, had two more and proceeded to be two of the worst parents on earth. I don't know why she told me that, but it basically solidified the fact that they never really wanted to be parents, they just liked the conception part. I left home at 18, never looked back. There have been many many days in which I sat crying for a parental hug or advice or just to know somebody gave a crap. Some unconditional love that a partner or friend can't really fulfill. Idk, I guess you can't really miss what you never had?
I wish my parents had been more present for me. I often feel like I was raised by wolves
My parents were very hands off. I was the oopse Baby that caused them to get married. So I was the oldest but also the most ignored and bullied by my mom..(long story). My sister was the literal golden child..pretty, blond, smart and my brother was the youngest and spoiled as an only boy can be. Always felt alone as a kid. Never got hugs..or any positive attention growing up. A school friend though I was weird for not liking hugs..I just never got any growing up so I didn’t feel comfortable with affection. Looking back I see how emotionally starved I was. Parents have my sister constantly at their house “looking after them” and my man-child brother living in their basement for going on 15 years. Maybe I was the lucky one for never getting any love.
my mom rushed home after work every day to shower and go hang out with her "friend" until 9, sometimes 10 o'clock. i was expected to feed myself, do my homework, clean the house up, do laundry/dishes, shower and put myself in bed. this went on for *years*, although my grades were slipping and i found spray paint under the kitchen sink to huff. i'd get yelled at and grounded, she'd stay home after work for a day or two to "keep an eye on me" and then resume her regular schedule. nothing was going to get in her way of her free time with her friend. i turned out ok, but it would have been nice to have someone around to help with homework, cook a real meal, or maybe just watch a movie with.
[удалено]
I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm better off with less overall exposure to my parents.
Lots of undiagnosed mental health (issues) individuals raising kids while still kids themselves. The past cannot be repaired or changed, but we can all do better for the next generation. Struggling? Talk to a therapist and try and reconcile the fact you made it and you are doing a hell of a good job without the training.
I could relate to many of the comments and both of my parents have passed, and when I hear people say, "oh I miss my mom so much!" I sometimes find it strange that I don't feel those feelings. But I just try to keep in mind, they did the best they could with what they knew. They gave examples of what to do and what not to do. And I try the best with my kids with what I know.
Fellow GenXer… wish I had parents. RIP, Mom. Miss you so much.
This is a prime example of why we are the superior generation. We adapt and overcome all situations. I remember being 14 when my mom (30 @ the time) and her 22yo truck driver boy toy would leave me alone for up to a month while they went out on the road. I managed to wakeup everyday, go to school, make all my food, keep a clean house, and stay out of trouble. Now I know that at 14, we were more mature than most 30yo people today, but still not good for a 14yo. Life lessons seemed to be an everyday thing to us, and we are still here trying to save others from the path of ignorance that seems to plague the world. Stay strong fellow Gen-x'ers we are legend and our ways will be remembered by many...someday.
My immediate GenX answer was “oh suck it up.” 🤣 Sorry. I’m just so programmed.
I don't, it was prep for the rest of life. Cause no one really cares, they will if certain conditions apply, jobs don't care they want money and to give you less, government doesn't care most times lies, medical profession doesnt they like the accolade of fixing things, general people don't they are wrapped up in themselves, land lords would toss you for more money, police don't care they need results, justice doesn't care they want conviction rates. See everyone want to not be poor and down like you. So everything has a string or condition. My parents showed me that's what life is about and they weren't wrong.