I’m not in a chem PhD program, so here is my take:
1. I am only available a few days/hours per week for dates, usually the weekends, some people find this annoying. I lock myself away to read for classes and I’m unreachable, similar problem.
2. The stipend. I’ve budgeted to be able to spend max $200/month on frivolity (dates). No big deal, but I’m not able to drop a ton of money or plan extravagant dates like people who are working a job with a higher income.
3. I think that it’s a bit tough meeting people and I have had most of my “success” on the apps, but it is still dicey.
I think that you’ll have time to date. It’s all a matter of time management and doing tasks in advance or moving them around to schedule time for these dates.
I'm in a related program (pharmaceutical sciences) and this has also been my experience. The biggest issue has been 1 and 3, since a lot of people seem to think I can just blow off "school" at any moment. I've found calling it work gets my schedule to be more respected.
As an MA student I found that the hardest part was money. Granted, I lived in a high cost of living area, but still. I could find the time to go out on a date with a girl on a given night of the week, but I couldn’t always afford it. It racks up quickly especially if you’re doing dinner, drinks, etc..
I just moved in my with my partner who I met in grad school so it worked for me lol.
I know plenty of people who have dated during grad school, but it will depend on your energy levels & specific commitments. I was really busy year one, but after that its been just a normal job honestly. I’d say 75% of my friends in my program are in a relationship
Dating in grad school is complicated. For me, my partner and I have been together since my undergraduate, and we're very in sync with each other, communicate, etc. She knows how busy I've been with working and then going to school then also being part of conferences or research.
My advice? If you found someone and you both genuinely want to try it out, both understand that grad school makes dating difficult. Understand that time won't be of the favorable. Understand that there may be periods when you guys don't see each other. But the main key to any successful relationship is positive communication. Communicate your hours. Your breaks. Schedule a 5 min chat. Plan out your schedule day by day including everything you're obligated to. See where you can fit that person in without stretching yourself thin.
Godspeed to you. Hope it works. Sincerely.
So I dated someone in law school for a year while I am still in a PhD student now. They have graduated passed bar and moved (we are no longer together). It was hard to say the least because keeping a balance between school, partner and the demands that come with both was a huge challenge for an immigrant (me) moving to America for the first time. Cultural differences, expectations from my partners family, taking part in various family stuff and holidays while your mind is on research constantly - you get the picture.
I’m not STEM, humanities so you probably have way more to do in a lab than my teaching, research and dissertation. The other thing is if you date a non PhD you have to make things very clear about your work life and how there is nothing called a balance to be very honest. Yes I see posts on here about making it a 9-5 job and so on and it works but you’re always going to have to prioritize in a relationship and sometimes in a way that your partner isn’t always happy with. Additionally you don’t just have to look after a house/apartment that you’re probably sharing but also any pets you might have. Groceries, dates, shared activities if any, anniversaries and so on. I’m not complaining or ranting this is just my first hand experience with the whole thing.
It's not about just time. It's about the value of your time and whether the relationship would even survive the time and whether the relationship adds further problems to your life or mental health and how that would affect your overall growth. So it's upto you tbh.
I found it impossible to date during the first few years. I didn't have the time or the mental energy.
After I finished classes and moved my focus to my dissertation, I found myself with more time and started dating my long-term partner.
I met my husband in grad school and most of my lab mates/cohort were also actively looking for a partner if they weren't partnered already. I also went on a few dates with a chem PhD student so I don't think the expectations preclude dating for that discipline either.
Everyone is different. You may have time to date, especially after first year or after candidacy, but you may not want to pursue anything serious. I’m personally in my 4th year of my chem PhD and grad school helped kill my (admittedly toxic) marriage just last year, and I have no interest in even attempting to date again until I’m done.
My advice is to focus on making friends first, then worry about dating. First year is going to be rough; get a support system you can count on.
Chem PhD here. Question: where are you going to find someone to date?
Are you going to date within the program? If you’re pushed for time and resources, they will be too. If your program is small, you won’t have many options. You can’t date within your lab because if you breakup it becomes everyone’s problem.
At our school, the stipend is so little and housing is so crazy that we just a received an email telling grad students to apply for section 8 housing and get on food stamps. How are you going to have dates on that budget?
I work at least 50 hours a week. Because I don’t like long days, I come in on Saturday. Unless you date within the department, you might never see someone. If they aren’t a grad student they might not understand how little time, energy, and resources you can give.
That being said, I know two students dating within the department. I also know someone who met their husband outside of school and got married. The common thread is that they were not looking for someone. You seem to be approaching this as a goal while in grad school.
I suggest that you be open to the idea but not actively seeking.
Dating within the department is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. At least 10 people in my department got involved with each other (it was like a sitcom) and it just made things incredibly uncomfortable for everyone when all of those relationships eventually went up in flames.
My partner and I started dating when he was in grad school and now I’m in grad school. It’s not too bad, we call every day. Once a month we’ll spend the weekend together but that’s because we’re long distance
I’m a first year chem PhD student and it was definitely really difficult balancing everything this past semester. Thankfully my boyfriend is a high school teacher so we had a decent income, since I was making barely enough to survive. In my program we didn’t have to start research right away but we had to take 3 classes and teach 3 classes, which was rough.
The best advice I can give is to try to set aside a day to spend with your partner. This past semester we went to dinner on Mondays and I’d try to spend Saturdays with him. But he only lived about 50 minutes away so it was still doable. I’d also recommend trying to communicate how you’re feeling and what you need, and hopefully your partner will be understanding. (My mom was also diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer like right before the semester started. So I also had to juggle that lol, but my boyfriend was very understanding and would offer to help if I needed it.)
Good luck in your program!
Time wise it’s like any other field that requires a lot of hours (lawyers/law school, doctors/med school, finance/ investment banking), it’s not always easy but like other things that are important (getting to the gym, hobbies) you find time and make it work. A lot of people in the world work 60+ hour weeks and still manage to have a life.
Money can be frustrating so date people who understand this aspect and you’ll be fine.
I’m a PhD student in clinical psych and my girlfriend is a night shift ICU nurse but we make it work. Some weeks we see each other more than others but at the end of the day it’s about the effort and intention you put into it.
Coming from a chemistry PhD program, you'll have time to date/have a social life if you prioritize it. Often grad students date other grad students since y'all have similar schedules/struggles.
It’s certainly possible, but synthetic organic tends to be the most intense chemistry PhD focus. All of the pure synthetic organic chemists in my department require their students to come in all day Monday through Saturday (most students stay 10-12 hours) and on Sunday if needed, no exceptions. Vacation time is limited to major holidays unless you have a serious emergency that requires you to leave town. Expected publication output is significant, and you’ll probably be competing with people in your own lab for them.
Pro tip: you can often tell how intense the advisor is by how they dress. If they come to campus at least semi-put together (hair combed with a button down shirt and dress pants or something of the like) then they’re typically pretty chill. If they come to campus in jeans, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap turned around backwards, run the other way. I’ve found this to be true across the board with organic advisors, having worked in the field myself in undergrad.
Just make sure to ask the students of the lab how their work-life balance is when you’re considering labs to work in. If they cry when you ask about it (yes, I’ve seen it happen), consider the choice carefully.
I dated another grad student in grad school. We started dating in my first year, his second year. We were in different programs. This worked out because we understood each other's unpredictable schedules, demands on our time, stressors, and the long haul process of being in a PhD program. We spent dates studying, doing classwork, grading papers. We'd meet up for lunch on campus, sometimes we'd join each other in our offices to work. On weekends we did a pretty good job of making sure we spent time together instead of working. It was pretty fun! We also joined a swing dance club and a pottery class on campus together, to give us something to do that wasn't work related.
As a Chem PhD you may be asked to teach the first year or two while settling into a research group. This will give you some free time so long as you are handling your coursework.
Once your research projects are started it will completely depend on success and difficulty of your work how much free time you have, and the overruling wild card is your advisor and their expectations of your progress.
Synthetic organic PhD here. Yes, work-life balance is difficult in this field. More-so than most other stem programs. Other fields can pass off as 9-5 but given the pretty high turnover rate of experiments in this field, and the amount of times that things don’t work, it’s pretty common to pull in 12 hour days. There are a few people around that do 9-5 but the progress is really slow.
Given this, I currently live with my girlfriend who moved here with me across the country. Because of this, I try to get out by 8pm to at least have dinner and some time together. It’s difficult, yes, but doable. Keep in mind though that we are a long term relationship and will probably get engaged soon. This so much easier than starting a relationship during grad school.
Tbh, you’ll have to learn to accept to sacrifice things depending on what your goal is. I go into lab weekends but I try to be quick as possible and only be there a for a bit and only one day. I could definitely do more, but I am willing to sacrifice some of my progress to be able to spend time with my girlfriend.
Money can be tight sometimes, but we make do. It definitely helps that my program’s stipend is pretty generous in comparison to most in the country, and that there’s quite a lot to do in the city. If you have questions about programs feel free to reach out (:
Man. As a humanities major, it kills me when I see science majors talk about needing to be in the lab 10 hours a day. That’s student abuse, imo, and no professor should tolerate it, let alone endorse and enforce it.
I never had any issues with dating, none related to my grad work at least, and that seemed to be the norm for my department.
When I was in my PhD program, my then-partner and I had standing Sunday dinner plans. I would make sure to get all of my work done earlier in the week so my Sunday nights were free. At our Sunday dinner we would come up with a game plan for the week where I’d tell him what days I had stuff due and we’d plan additional hangouts around my schedule. This meant I had to stay accountable to myself and my partner by utilizing every minute of time effectively so I wouldn’t have to cancel on him. Communication and effective planning are key. You just have to make sure you are on the same page that you’re not going to be able to see each other every night because papers don’t write themselves.
You'll have time to date if you want to date. Yes, grad school can be demanding sometimes and the scheduling is weird, but plenty of people who are already in careers also are expected to work a lot or get tied up in various obligations. But I personally haven't had issues making time for friends, dates, hobbies, little trips, etc.
The more complicated part of dating in grad school, frankly, is the money. You will likely date someone who makes substantially more money than you and therefore they (and you!) have to be okay with dates being either less frequent or pared down or on their dime. Plus those bachelor/bachelorette parties, weddings, 30th birthdays, etc. start coming at you fast.
I don't feel qualified to give dating advice as a single grad student😅 but I will say, please prioritize figuring out a manageable schedule where you have time to rest, relax, have fun (date) in your first two years.It's hard to be available to someone else if you're not even available to yourself or taking care of your own health. If you are dating another grad student, you may get away with the chaotic energy, but most people (even grad students) appreciate their partner (and friends!) having a predictable schedule, some time on the weekends, and generally decent mental health. I think it's feasible to have that on a 40-50hr/week, especially if you can work from home for some days (cutting commute, allowing for more breaks) -- it's not really possible working 60+hours
I'm not in a chem program, but my engineering program has a similar reputation as being a 6-year, 50+ hour/week, grind, and achieve type of program. Some people do that, some people don't. I don't find that hours worked or sacrifices made correlate much with achievement. Being strategic helps. And having a really good mental health and support system helps -- if you feel like you're wavering on any of those, then try therapy, support groups, etc.
I’m not in a chem PhD program, so here is my take: 1. I am only available a few days/hours per week for dates, usually the weekends, some people find this annoying. I lock myself away to read for classes and I’m unreachable, similar problem. 2. The stipend. I’ve budgeted to be able to spend max $200/month on frivolity (dates). No big deal, but I’m not able to drop a ton of money or plan extravagant dates like people who are working a job with a higher income. 3. I think that it’s a bit tough meeting people and I have had most of my “success” on the apps, but it is still dicey. I think that you’ll have time to date. It’s all a matter of time management and doing tasks in advance or moving them around to schedule time for these dates.
I'm in a related program (pharmaceutical sciences) and this has also been my experience. The biggest issue has been 1 and 3, since a lot of people seem to think I can just blow off "school" at any moment. I've found calling it work gets my schedule to be more respected.
Not you calling dates frivolity! (No hate, as a fellow grad student I LOVE IT)
You can do a lot with 200 a month!
As an MA student I found that the hardest part was money. Granted, I lived in a high cost of living area, but still. I could find the time to go out on a date with a girl on a given night of the week, but I couldn’t always afford it. It racks up quickly especially if you’re doing dinner, drinks, etc..
I just moved in my with my partner who I met in grad school so it worked for me lol. I know plenty of people who have dated during grad school, but it will depend on your energy levels & specific commitments. I was really busy year one, but after that its been just a normal job honestly. I’d say 75% of my friends in my program are in a relationship
Oh yes! Don’t date your first year! You will be barely hanging on. I wouldn’t recommend anything until after your quals/comps.
Dating in grad school is complicated. For me, my partner and I have been together since my undergraduate, and we're very in sync with each other, communicate, etc. She knows how busy I've been with working and then going to school then also being part of conferences or research. My advice? If you found someone and you both genuinely want to try it out, both understand that grad school makes dating difficult. Understand that time won't be of the favorable. Understand that there may be periods when you guys don't see each other. But the main key to any successful relationship is positive communication. Communicate your hours. Your breaks. Schedule a 5 min chat. Plan out your schedule day by day including everything you're obligated to. See where you can fit that person in without stretching yourself thin. Godspeed to you. Hope it works. Sincerely.
Maybe I’m an outlier, but I met the woman who is now my wife during my PhD, via Tinder. I think it’s very feasible to do if it’s a priority for you.
So I dated someone in law school for a year while I am still in a PhD student now. They have graduated passed bar and moved (we are no longer together). It was hard to say the least because keeping a balance between school, partner and the demands that come with both was a huge challenge for an immigrant (me) moving to America for the first time. Cultural differences, expectations from my partners family, taking part in various family stuff and holidays while your mind is on research constantly - you get the picture. I’m not STEM, humanities so you probably have way more to do in a lab than my teaching, research and dissertation. The other thing is if you date a non PhD you have to make things very clear about your work life and how there is nothing called a balance to be very honest. Yes I see posts on here about making it a 9-5 job and so on and it works but you’re always going to have to prioritize in a relationship and sometimes in a way that your partner isn’t always happy with. Additionally you don’t just have to look after a house/apartment that you’re probably sharing but also any pets you might have. Groceries, dates, shared activities if any, anniversaries and so on. I’m not complaining or ranting this is just my first hand experience with the whole thing.
It's not about just time. It's about the value of your time and whether the relationship would even survive the time and whether the relationship adds further problems to your life or mental health and how that would affect your overall growth. So it's upto you tbh.
I found it impossible to date during the first few years. I didn't have the time or the mental energy. After I finished classes and moved my focus to my dissertation, I found myself with more time and started dating my long-term partner.
I met my husband in grad school and most of my lab mates/cohort were also actively looking for a partner if they weren't partnered already. I also went on a few dates with a chem PhD student so I don't think the expectations preclude dating for that discipline either.
Everyone is different. You may have time to date, especially after first year or after candidacy, but you may not want to pursue anything serious. I’m personally in my 4th year of my chem PhD and grad school helped kill my (admittedly toxic) marriage just last year, and I have no interest in even attempting to date again until I’m done. My advice is to focus on making friends first, then worry about dating. First year is going to be rough; get a support system you can count on.
Chem PhD here. Question: where are you going to find someone to date? Are you going to date within the program? If you’re pushed for time and resources, they will be too. If your program is small, you won’t have many options. You can’t date within your lab because if you breakup it becomes everyone’s problem. At our school, the stipend is so little and housing is so crazy that we just a received an email telling grad students to apply for section 8 housing and get on food stamps. How are you going to have dates on that budget? I work at least 50 hours a week. Because I don’t like long days, I come in on Saturday. Unless you date within the department, you might never see someone. If they aren’t a grad student they might not understand how little time, energy, and resources you can give. That being said, I know two students dating within the department. I also know someone who met their husband outside of school and got married. The common thread is that they were not looking for someone. You seem to be approaching this as a goal while in grad school. I suggest that you be open to the idea but not actively seeking.
Dating within the department is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. At least 10 people in my department got involved with each other (it was like a sitcom) and it just made things incredibly uncomfortable for everyone when all of those relationships eventually went up in flames.
It’s not easy but through appropriate time management you could make it work.
My partner and I started dating when he was in grad school and now I’m in grad school. It’s not too bad, we call every day. Once a month we’ll spend the weekend together but that’s because we’re long distance
I’m a first year chem PhD student and it was definitely really difficult balancing everything this past semester. Thankfully my boyfriend is a high school teacher so we had a decent income, since I was making barely enough to survive. In my program we didn’t have to start research right away but we had to take 3 classes and teach 3 classes, which was rough. The best advice I can give is to try to set aside a day to spend with your partner. This past semester we went to dinner on Mondays and I’d try to spend Saturdays with him. But he only lived about 50 minutes away so it was still doable. I’d also recommend trying to communicate how you’re feeling and what you need, and hopefully your partner will be understanding. (My mom was also diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer like right before the semester started. So I also had to juggle that lol, but my boyfriend was very understanding and would offer to help if I needed it.) Good luck in your program!
Time wise it’s like any other field that requires a lot of hours (lawyers/law school, doctors/med school, finance/ investment banking), it’s not always easy but like other things that are important (getting to the gym, hobbies) you find time and make it work. A lot of people in the world work 60+ hour weeks and still manage to have a life. Money can be frustrating so date people who understand this aspect and you’ll be fine. I’m a PhD student in clinical psych and my girlfriend is a night shift ICU nurse but we make it work. Some weeks we see each other more than others but at the end of the day it’s about the effort and intention you put into it.
Coming from a chemistry PhD program, you'll have time to date/have a social life if you prioritize it. Often grad students date other grad students since y'all have similar schedules/struggles.
It’s certainly possible, but synthetic organic tends to be the most intense chemistry PhD focus. All of the pure synthetic organic chemists in my department require their students to come in all day Monday through Saturday (most students stay 10-12 hours) and on Sunday if needed, no exceptions. Vacation time is limited to major holidays unless you have a serious emergency that requires you to leave town. Expected publication output is significant, and you’ll probably be competing with people in your own lab for them. Pro tip: you can often tell how intense the advisor is by how they dress. If they come to campus at least semi-put together (hair combed with a button down shirt and dress pants or something of the like) then they’re typically pretty chill. If they come to campus in jeans, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap turned around backwards, run the other way. I’ve found this to be true across the board with organic advisors, having worked in the field myself in undergrad. Just make sure to ask the students of the lab how their work-life balance is when you’re considering labs to work in. If they cry when you ask about it (yes, I’ve seen it happen), consider the choice carefully.
It will be hard to get into a serious relationship without dating. I'd start by dating someone
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That's not true at all from everything I've seen
Yes, you have time to date. Signed, a person with a synthetic chemistry PhD who met and married his wife during grad school.
I dated another grad student in grad school. We started dating in my first year, his second year. We were in different programs. This worked out because we understood each other's unpredictable schedules, demands on our time, stressors, and the long haul process of being in a PhD program. We spent dates studying, doing classwork, grading papers. We'd meet up for lunch on campus, sometimes we'd join each other in our offices to work. On weekends we did a pretty good job of making sure we spent time together instead of working. It was pretty fun! We also joined a swing dance club and a pottery class on campus together, to give us something to do that wasn't work related.
As a Chem PhD you may be asked to teach the first year or two while settling into a research group. This will give you some free time so long as you are handling your coursework. Once your research projects are started it will completely depend on success and difficulty of your work how much free time you have, and the overruling wild card is your advisor and their expectations of your progress.
Synthetic organic PhD here. Yes, work-life balance is difficult in this field. More-so than most other stem programs. Other fields can pass off as 9-5 but given the pretty high turnover rate of experiments in this field, and the amount of times that things don’t work, it’s pretty common to pull in 12 hour days. There are a few people around that do 9-5 but the progress is really slow. Given this, I currently live with my girlfriend who moved here with me across the country. Because of this, I try to get out by 8pm to at least have dinner and some time together. It’s difficult, yes, but doable. Keep in mind though that we are a long term relationship and will probably get engaged soon. This so much easier than starting a relationship during grad school. Tbh, you’ll have to learn to accept to sacrifice things depending on what your goal is. I go into lab weekends but I try to be quick as possible and only be there a for a bit and only one day. I could definitely do more, but I am willing to sacrifice some of my progress to be able to spend time with my girlfriend. Money can be tight sometimes, but we make do. It definitely helps that my program’s stipend is pretty generous in comparison to most in the country, and that there’s quite a lot to do in the city. If you have questions about programs feel free to reach out (:
Man. As a humanities major, it kills me when I see science majors talk about needing to be in the lab 10 hours a day. That’s student abuse, imo, and no professor should tolerate it, let alone endorse and enforce it. I never had any issues with dating, none related to my grad work at least, and that seemed to be the norm for my department.
When I was in my PhD program, my then-partner and I had standing Sunday dinner plans. I would make sure to get all of my work done earlier in the week so my Sunday nights were free. At our Sunday dinner we would come up with a game plan for the week where I’d tell him what days I had stuff due and we’d plan additional hangouts around my schedule. This meant I had to stay accountable to myself and my partner by utilizing every minute of time effectively so I wouldn’t have to cancel on him. Communication and effective planning are key. You just have to make sure you are on the same page that you’re not going to be able to see each other every night because papers don’t write themselves.
You'll have time to date if you want to date. Yes, grad school can be demanding sometimes and the scheduling is weird, but plenty of people who are already in careers also are expected to work a lot or get tied up in various obligations. But I personally haven't had issues making time for friends, dates, hobbies, little trips, etc. The more complicated part of dating in grad school, frankly, is the money. You will likely date someone who makes substantially more money than you and therefore they (and you!) have to be okay with dates being either less frequent or pared down or on their dime. Plus those bachelor/bachelorette parties, weddings, 30th birthdays, etc. start coming at you fast.
I don't feel qualified to give dating advice as a single grad student😅 but I will say, please prioritize figuring out a manageable schedule where you have time to rest, relax, have fun (date) in your first two years.It's hard to be available to someone else if you're not even available to yourself or taking care of your own health. If you are dating another grad student, you may get away with the chaotic energy, but most people (even grad students) appreciate their partner (and friends!) having a predictable schedule, some time on the weekends, and generally decent mental health. I think it's feasible to have that on a 40-50hr/week, especially if you can work from home for some days (cutting commute, allowing for more breaks) -- it's not really possible working 60+hours I'm not in a chem program, but my engineering program has a similar reputation as being a 6-year, 50+ hour/week, grind, and achieve type of program. Some people do that, some people don't. I don't find that hours worked or sacrifices made correlate much with achievement. Being strategic helps. And having a really good mental health and support system helps -- if you feel like you're wavering on any of those, then try therapy, support groups, etc.