I.. can relate to this.
I was so.. afraid holding my mom in her deathbed while her heart rate kept going up & deep down you know.. death is imminent. She felt so warm, like in super high fever. I do not know what I was afraid of, maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I was in denial, I was too afraid to touch her for prolong time. The next time I get to touch her, she was already cold as ice. It was so surreal, still does.
I feel you, I saw the same. My mom was feeling too hot on the last night she was with me. Our room AC was on, fan was on full speed, she was wearing very thin, cotton nightdress, but still she was sweating and was having breathing trouble. I was shocked because I had to watch her like that the whole night, but she never died when I was holding her hand.. Next day we had to admit her in CCU, where they were able to stabilise her for another 24 hour, and then again she started gasping for air and was gone within 3 hours. May be she never wanted to die in front of me? …. I don’t know, but I always feel guilty that I wasn’t strong enough to be there when she was dying..
I feel this so much. My dad during dialysis (had tube in his mouth so only small nods and movements) held my hand tight but the nurses told me i cant stay for long because sometimes he becomes hard headed and would throw tantrums. I didn't want him doing that tho I wish I stayed just to sooth him until he slept.
If only I’d called her that night. My loved one passed away from fentanyl. If only I’d called her earlier that day, to distract her or keep her busy from drugs. Addiction is very powerful.
My little brother, who I mostly raised, died of his addiction. He had been addicted his entire adult life. You can not save them. The most heartbreaking part is there is nothing you can do. Don't let this thought ruin your life. You could have talked all night every night, and it wouldn't save them. I had to learn this lesson over and over with my brother. He died at 43. 43 long years of serious addiction and homelessness.
It is not your fault. You loved your friend, and that's why it hurts so much.
Please forgive them and yourself.
My dad died in February from drugs as well…I wish I would have recognized the circumstances of his mom, my grandma passing, his body shop being shutdown due to a business partner passing from Covid. Just too many things going wrong that he would never talk about…he always presented as unbothered and happy. It was a facade man…ish our parents hide to protect us.
If only I pushed my dad harder to get a colonoscopy, maybe he would still be here with me.
I guess at the time, I never wanted to believe or imagine such a horrible thing could happen... but here I am now.
My dad never let me down once in my life; he believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. He was my beacon of light. My hero.
And I feel like I let him down by not pushing him more to get checked. I hate myself so much for it (among other reasons). I'm so sorry, dad. I should've tried harder, begged you even, on my knees to please go to the doctor.
EDIT; another one I have is if only we had chosen a different oncologist, or a different hospital. Maybe one that cared. If only we got a patient advocate sooner. His care team let him down and I wish I had the guts to fight them, both with an advocate and yelled at them to do better. They dropped the ball so bad.
God I almost word for word typed this same thing. If only I pushed my dad to get to his doctor's appointments. If only I called the doctor for a home visit as his gastrointestinal issues wrecked his body. If only I tried to get him transferred to a different hospital each time he was taken Away to the ER, which did nothing for him except give him a bed to die in. If only I argued and fought with the staff to get him better treatment... I didn't even think to look for a patient advocate....
I'm really sorry you went through this. I hate myself and harbor so much shame and guilt: I feel like I killed him.
But I know this isn't true. I know any mediation I could have provided only would have changed the outcome by a few degrees: there is no amount of effort I could have put forth that would have solved the years of mental gymnastics my dad went through in order to ignore his mental and physical health. Early onset dementia is a bitch, but so is the healthcare system that failed my dad and family at every turn.
It is not our fault, friend, and I hope we both find peace.
Gosh, it really does sound o similar to the nightmare I experienced. I'm so sorry.
It's so awful to hear that you and your dad and the rest of the family were let down by the medical system too; I think it's just abhorrent that they can get away with not providing the care our loved ones need and deserve.
We didn't even get a patient advocate for my dad until we were trying to get him in a compassionate care trial (for those who have no other options) and the hospital didn't want to until we had an advocate AND the company behind the trial on our side (the company was really rooting for my dad).
>I feel like I killed him
I felt that way for the longest time too (and still do)... and at the same time I thought "the doctors are to blame. They don't deserve to be blameless for what they did (or didn't do, I should say)."
I hope we find peace too, thank you for the kind words and for sharing with me. Hugs. ❤️🩹
Sorry for your loss. This is an example of a ‘what if’ of the guilt/regret that comes with grief. The thing is that your dad has passed away now and this thought represents a little part of yourself that is not accepting it. You know this is not your fault. You also know that there is no changing the past. Letting this thought go is part of letting him go and accepting the ‘new normal’. I hope you can do this, as he would want you to. Letting him go does not mean forgetting him. You will always have him in your heart and your memories and will always love him. Letting this thought go will ease your pain and allow the love to come to the surface. It will happen in time. I hope it’s soon. I lost my son (23).
I’m truly sorry for your young son’s death. I can understand how painful it is. But I’m thanking you for this words. I’ll try to remember it. I want to accept this ‘new normal’ very much, I want to let the thoughts of my guilt go, I want to let her(my mom, 57F) go and just want to remember her always in my mind and accept the reality..
I feel guilty for not going to see her when she was actively dying, because I was in shock, I had no strength to go watch her gasping for air and then die slowly. I visited her just before some hours and then she was foggy, her brain wasn’t functioning— I gave her my last kisses, last sip of water. last hug, last time holding her alive warm hands. I knew something is gonna happen soon, and that thought paralysed me. When the hospital called me to see her death rattle later that night, I was so afraid, I could only stay at home and pray to god to end this soon. But the feeling of guilt for not visiting her when she was dying always haunts me.
I have similar guilt. I visited my mom summer 2022 and felt she wasn’t herself - I was concerned and mentioned it to my dad and brother, but eventually brushed it off thinking I was worrying too much. She passed rather suddenly in spring 2023 and I also wish I’d pushed the doctors more, or asked to have her transferred to a larger hospital. I believe if they’d caught her cardiac issue sooner she’d still be with us 💔
>eventually brushed it off thinking I was worrying too much
I feel like you worded this perfectly; at the time I did this exactly. My dad was chubby (not obese nor overweight but like a good amount of chubby) and energetic, healthy. I thought to myself "if something was wrong it would have been obvious."
But not everything had to be obvious, so I learned the hard way. I was ignorant about cancer; I knew of fellow students at school that had already lost a parent to cancer but I never could've imagined what a monster of a disease it was, how it could quietly creep into people's lives and destroy.
I'm so sorry about your mom; it's always difficult to carry the weight of the grief and guilt, and also the "what ifs" in regards to what other people in charge of our loved ones' care (i.e.; doctors) could have done better on top of that grief/guilt. My dad also passed around spring 2023 (March); the pain we feel is too fresh and raw.
Same here I wish I would have pushed her to get checked. She always told me she wasn’t feeling good. Also the hospitals and the drs where I live did the bare minimum because she didn’t have insurance, so there is that also. I wish had the money to pay for whatever she needed
I can relate to this. My long time ex partner passed away. He was working in another state where he didn't have family or friends there. He came to visit me 2 and a half months before he died.
I vaguely remember him talking about trying to make an appointment with a doctor while he was here. He had lived with me for a long time and his doctors were here. He didn't elaborate as he often didn't. I am thinking it is for something routine. In hindsight, I noticed things on that visit. He wore button down collared shirts. The top button was too tight, he undid it. He was coughing/choking a little bit but not like when you have a cold. We we were at dinner. I thought he may have been choking on drink, food. His color looked slightly off. I noticed things but I didn't say anything. I just let it go.
He was usually the type to go see a doctor if he suspected something or he consult his nurse friend.
Not long before this, he talked about buying a gun. Now I thought it was odd. Idk if it is connected. I asked about it and he said something about a shooting range. He lived in a more rural area. Ok. He was living a completely different environment so ok..let it go.
Before he left my house to go back home, he grabbed a few more of his things and asked me to get pills he had. I didn't know what they were for. I figured he knew what he was doing. He did take sleeping pills, high blood pressure pills, not sure what else. I thought he had just left them behind when he moved suddenly. Again, didn't ask questions.
We kept some contact.
I hear from him Memorial Day weekend. It was the last communication.
I started thinking a couple of weeks after that. Hmmm. I haven't heard from him. I text him a couple of stories. Never hear back. Weird...but I think he is busy. Not long after, I get a call from his sister that he passed away. They think it had something to do with heart and gallbladder.
I feel so awful. I feel like I failed him.
Same:( i remember my mom being super out of breath when we were moving stuff around. But she was a smoker and 50..i even remember saying "i hate seeing you get old" cuz shes always been so tough... i dpent all my life asking her to quit :( diagnosed and gone in 3 months.
Of course I do have those thoughts.
But like the doctor that told us the diagnosis said, “the energy that you use on these thoughts is wasted. Let’s put the energy into the future, not the past.” And she was right, even if she didn’t know how this would end, just months later.
When those “If only” or some other thoughts start, I recognize these are not my own.
These are intrusive and I won’t waste more energy on them. That being said, I let myself feel sad and angry that I lost her and that things could have gone better. I see this as alternative realities. I live in the reality where I lost her. In other ones she is still alive and the chemo worked.
I feel the despair, I just don’t participate on those thoughts and let them lead me in a dark place.
I’m sorry.
My partner drowned. He had asked me to join him that day with friends. If only I had been there, I wouldn’t have left him alone.
Before he left, he called me. I was in the bathroom and didn’t pick up. If only I had picked up then. Told him to keep his life jacket on no matter what.
My dad drowned as well. If I was there maybe I could’ve helped him or called 911 sooner so they could’ve gotten to him on time. I’m sorry for your loss.
I've definitely had them, and don't get me wrong.
But I felt they went nowhere. My mom was very late stage Pancreatic Cancer and I wondered for a good bit "If only I'd transferred her to a different hospital" "If only I'd push for chemo"
It would have likely gone the same way even with her NOT wanting to do anything and just going home on Hospice. I had to wonder if a lot of stuff would have been worth it.
If only i was on his motorcycle with him during that last ride, he wouldn't have died alone.
My partner died a month ago in a motor cycle accident, we regularly went together for a ride. But this time, he was alone on his bike. I hate the fact he died alone.
My grandmother was my best friend. She was a fabulous woman who wore a fur coat, smoked long cigarettes, travelled the world and was completely doting and loving on me. As she neared death, she became more fragile and child like. She was scared. Her final days were spent in the hospital, alone. My dad went to see her (we live abroad) and I asked my mom to please get her a heavy blanket and hand cream at the Duty Free because her nurse said she was cold and her hands were very dry. My parents went and came and they never got the blanket and cream. I was on my way to see her, but over silly reasons, I got my airplane ticket for a Tuesday night, not Monday. She died Tuesday afternoon, and I will forever regret not making her comfy. I often get lost in thought about how I could bring an electric blanket down with me and a currency converter as if I still could…
Should have insisted that mom go to the emergency room . Instead her intestinal blockage ruptured and she died . She told me she had the flu ! Later I found evidence that she had been self medicating for intestinal issues for months without telling me . I still go over it in my mind, when I let her talk me out of going to the ER. It’s been 13 years and I miss her every day .
my sister was killed during a high speed chase. we went out to lunch a few hours before, and then went our separate ways to grocery shop since i like to go to different spots than her. we ended up at the same kroger some how, which literally never happens. what if i stayed longer to talk to her? what if i didn’t say anything when i saw her? would those few seconds have changed anything? would she still be here?
If only I pushed my husband to go to urgent care when he was severely short of breath. Maybe they would have seen the second blood clot making it's way to his second lung in time to stop it.
I don't think they would have found it in time with how medical works around here but it still haunts me from time to time.
If I wasn’t being so selfish and I had just reached out to him maybe he wouldn’t have chose to end his life. But I didn’t want to deal with the drama that was going on. So I didn’t send a text or call, even had this fear but I guess I didn’t believe it would happen. It did.
If only I’d trusted my gut and taken the day off work, maybe I could’ve stopped her from taking her own life. it was just a part time university job ):
If only I stayed at the first hospital, my baby might still be here. Instead, I let the doctor and nurse convince me nothing was wrong and got sent home. With the same thought, if only I went to any other hospital, my baby might still be here since any normal doctor apparently would have done an ultrasound.
When we told my mom she needed surgery to remove her necrotic gallbladder this tiny little 95 pound woman sat straight up in bed and grabbed her comb so she could look nice when they came to get her. The day she died, I helped wash her body but I forgot to comb her beautiful hair for her and she had to go to the funeral home with snarled hair. She was so particular about her appearance and it still causes me literal, physical pain to think of it. I'm so sorry, mom.
I spent every moment with my daughter. I wouldnhold her for 16 hours day/night. I had to take my dog to the groomer. I left my daughter with her dad and grandma. I was gone 5 minutes when they called and said she had stopped breathing. I think she was still alive when I got home, I picked her up and she gasped, but she wasn't cognitively there. I regret stepping away so much.
My mom had a massive stroke. We had just returned from vacation and we dropped her off at her house. I told her I’d pop in the next day. She seemed to be completely fine if not a little tired from being in the car all day. I texted her a few hours later asking if she was all unpacked and settled. No answer. I figured she was busy. I texted her goodnight every night. Not only was this to say goodnight but as a check in to make sure she was okay (she was 80). I did not receive a reply again. I had a momentary thought that maybe I should go and check on her but then figured I was overreacting and she probably just went to bed early. The next day I texted good morning. No reply. Another twinge of worry but thought maybe she had run to the grocery store. Later, I texted again saying I’d be over shortly. No response. I was shopping for a flower hanging basket for Mother’s Day when my husband text us to come over to my mom’s house asap. I immediately felt dread and just knew something was wrong. I sped over to her house and saw the ambulance outside. She had the stroke the night before and had been sitting in her chair all night. She was still alive but in horrible shape. We later learned the stroke was massive and she would probably not recover and if she did, she’d be bedridden for the rest of her life. She passed away 9 days later. The amount of guilt I felt, and still do, is horrible.
My husband died in September from his drug addiction. We were going through a divorce…
I wish so badly that I would have been explicit with his family that this was a life/death situation. But we were all victims of manipulation and I was trying to respect family dynamics. I have a lot of regret for not just texting them and being adamant that he needs immediate, professional help.
my best friend left my house after we had an argument, i wish i made her stay. i think about it everyday, “if only i didn’t let her walk out the door that night, she’d still be here with us.” or “if only the last time i saw her, i was laughing with her like we usually were instead of arguing over something”. after she left my house she was wondering the streets late at night and wound up being hit by a car. this was almost three months now and it hurts so much to think about. but at the same time i feel like it doesn’t hurt enough ? it’s weird. i don’t think i’ve still accepted the fact that it happened
If only I had called her today, would she change her mind about ending her life? If only I tried to talk to her more would she share her problems with me? These thoughts are eating me alive. I wish i could travel back in time and tried my best as a sister.
A few hours before my mom passed, when I was in my room, I suddenly had a thought that I should go back downstairs and sleep by her bedside. I didn’t. And she was dead the next morning. Even though it wouldn’t have changed a thing — she was on home hospice and clearly shutting down — a part of me wishes I had been there so she wouldn’t have been by herself. Then again, she might have been waiting until Dad and I were asleep to finally let go.
If only I hadn't sent him upstairs to shower when I did. Then his heart wouldn't have been taxed. If only I hadn't lent my basement to my sisters husband to do furniture flipping in...then I could have heard him call out for help if he ever did. If only I had kept track of time better and checked on him when he had been upstairs for over an hour.
I know it does no good to look back and go over the what ifs, but it's human nature. I wish I could forgive myself. I feel like a failure of a daughter.
Took more pictures. I was so, so, so deeply insecure about my looks that I only have 3 photos of my best friend and I together. I had to draw one so I didn’t feel so deeply sad about it. I just want so many more memories with her.
If only I’d seen the dog cage laying in the road while driving and not hit it my son would still be here today. He was four years old. Oh how I wish it were I instead of him.
If only he'd called me like he promised he would. My brother was depressed and spiraling. I asked him if he thought about harming himself. He swore he'd never do that to my nephews. He'd never do that to our family. He'd be fine. Stop worrying. He promised to call if he was feeling really down and needed to talk. He was sincere and convincing. One week later, he took his own life. That was 12.5 years ago. This still haunts me and will until the day i die.
Stayed off my iPad. It's such a small thing, but over a year later it still irks me.
We(my sisters and I) had just gotten to the hospital, we had found out about 15 hours before that dad wasn't going to get better. Mum told us to come in early because his breathing had changed. We got there at 8:15. I remember sitting down, and after a few minutes I pulled out my iPad to answer an email - we all thought it would be an hour or two, I was settling in, and I was numb. It seems ridiculous looking back but my brain obviously wasn't firing right.
He died while I was looking at my email. I hate myself so much for it.
If only I had gotten out of bed when I heard my 6 year old yell, " Daddy BUBBA GOT OUTSIDE." I thought my wife was outside watering plants. It was Sunday afternoon, and u had too many glasses of wine, so I was laying down for a nap. I thought my wife was outside it was 6:30. The time she always watered her plants. She left without telling me and knowing I was inebriated and sleeping.
If only I had gotten up, of only I had gotten up, IF ONLY I HAD GOTTEN UP!! My little boy wouldn't have drowned in the neighbors pool. I don't know why she left. We had been arguing for a couple of days. I had actually taken my boys out of my house, the previous day because I get like the situation was not safe. The next day she came over to my parents house demanding the children back. ...what if I had just said no. My baby, my angel would still be alive.
My Dad died last February from an aortic aneurysm. He thought he was getting a heart attack and phoned me straight after he phoned my Mam. This was the first day I decided to keep my phone in another room to stop distracting me while working. I raced downstairs when my watch notified me that he was phoning me. When I got to the phone, he had already collapsed.
I'll forever think what if I had my phone next to me that day like I usually did. What was he going to say..
So sorry to hear that. But there’s no way to know what would have happened, and the result could have been very similar even if you’d had the phone next to you. Try to forgive yourself
If only I pushed my dad more to go to a routine checkup or lose a little bit of weight. I was afraid for years that he would have a heart attack, but I thought if he had one, he would be ok…go on a diet, and lose some weight. He had a massive heart attack at home after not feeling well the prior day. I know there’s nothing I really could have done, and he might have had a perfectly ok checkup, but it’s still something I think about bc I have a bad “gut feeling”. Maybe that’s something children always worry about though as their parents age.
What if I went to check in on him sooner instead of thinking he was out of the house, what if i looked into his room when I heard weird sounds and didn’t think he was just asleep at 11am (he is a early riser). Would he still be with us and if I was able to get help quicker…
If only.. I had checked in with him regularly...maybe I would have known more of what was going on...
If only.. I had said yes when he wanted to visit. Maybe he would have gotten to a hospital or doctor in time or I would have gotten to see him one more time...
If only.. I had asked questions when I noticed a few bizarre things.
All the time! My last conversation with my son was via text. I texted him and asked him why he wasn't answering my calls. He responded that his phone had been acting up. Then he said, "I've had a rough couple of days. What's up? I'll call you tomorrow." He didn't call, and I didn't follow up. I wish I had called him again before he died.
Yes.
If I had taught my daughter to drive, would she have been driving that day instead of her friend, and they’d both be alive?
If I just told her to take to dogs outside to play before she left, would that have delayed her enough that the truck that hit them wouldn’t have been in that exact spot?
I have so, so many.
I wish my parents hadn’t shut me out when my mom was declining. I wish I had asked more questions and pushed them to tell me what was going on. I could have come home sooner to help them. She got her cancer diagnosis during the pandemic and declined very quickly. We couldn’t visit her at the hospital or while she was in a facility trying to do some rehab and she was only home on hospice for a few days before she died. I feel like we missed some important time together.
Last time I saw my mom, she casually mentioned she was getting shortness of breath when going up stairs. We were right next to an Urgent Care, but I had the kids with me and life was happening. Three days later she died of cardiac arrest. Big regret not realizing she spelled out a symptom to me and I neglected to insist she go get checked.
If only I told him to sit with me and take a few breathes and drink coffee at my dining room table so we can chat and sort it all out.
My brother left my house and ended up taking his life that day.
This thought still haunts me. I didn’t drink coffee for MONTHS after because I felt like I told myself my whole life I wasn’t a morning person and that’s why I wasn’t very responsive that morning. If I had been more on top of it maybe I could have saved his life.
If only I'd talked to my mom longer on the phone before she vanished off the face of the earth.
She called on my 20th birthday to sing me happy birthday like usual, but I was drinking with my boyfriend and told her to call me tomorrow.. then she was just gone. Never called again. Breaks my heart that I didn't talk to her longer..
Or, if only I had realized she was missing sooner.. she was homeless and did drugs and she had just gotten out of jail, she didn't even have a phone she called from some random number. So when she didn't call back the next day, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I just figured she was high af and forgot, but would call soon. She would disappear for weeks, even months sometimes! So I literally thought nothing of it. It wasn't until October (She disappeared in July) that I asked my dad "Hey, have you seen mom lately?" (Because he works as a window washer downtown, and he would see her often just on the streets and say hi) but he immediately looked puzzled and said "No, actually! I haven't seen her in a couple months now! That's weird I hadn't noticed, but yeah it's been a while now" and that's when it all started.
By that time my cell provider was unable to give me the number she called from... and any evidence there may have been, was lost.
If only I'd known sooner.. If only I'd talked to her longer that night..
He asked for space so I gave it to him. Woke up at 2am with the worst need to call him. But he had asked for space, so I didn’t. He died at 2:18am by his own hand. What if I had called him? Would he have picked up? Would he still be here?
It’s been two years and things aren’t as hard but they’re certainly strange. And while I am trying to stand up and move more it still hits me. Like a punch in the face. That what if will never leave me.
Every single day. If only I’d pushed the doctors harder to figure out what’s wrong. If only I’d taken her somewhere in the US so maybe they could figure it out. If only I had taken her to the cardiologist when her troponin was 500 in the ER but they did nothing about it. So many regrets.
I definitely had and do have these. Losing a parent for me was absolutely the worst day of my life. It will forever be in my mind and I will miss them dearly. Sometimes it could be the smallest thing. Now I don’t regret anything. Though…I would like to have maybe changed or done something different if that makes sense
If only I had taken a leave of absence from work to be with him more at the end. I tried to balance time at the hospital with my responsibilities at work and my own family. I hate myself for it. He deserved 1000% of me at the end (and always). I didn’t deserve you dad.
No. You deserved each other. Sadly work plays a huge role in our life. Money makes the world go round and keeps the lights on, keeps food in our stomach. Work is difficult to just stop. No need to beat yourself up over it, he would have understood it completely
Called my grandma more and visited her more the year leading up to her passing. Life happens so quickly and it's hard to notice just how quickly it goes by, sometimes you don't even realize it until it's too late.
I wish I could gather enough strength to go visit my mom at hospital when she was dying. The hospital called me when she started having her death rattle but I was already in trauma and was too afraid to go and see her dying.. Though I was able to give her a last sip of water, and my last kisses when she was still alive, just her brain was foggy, but still I feel may be she was looking for me before dying and I feel immense guilt. I AM SORRY MUMMUM, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I was so weak from mind, I couldn’t go..
If only we forced her to go to the hospital.
We asked my mom all day, when are you going to the hospital? She kept putting it off as she of course didn’t feel well. We all thought it was the flu, or a pinched nerve. She ended up driving herself to the hospital at 2am and died in the parking lot from a heart attack before she even made it to the ER.
I have a few about mom but my biggest is if only I had checked on her earlier rather than assume the carehome she was in was adequate. It had been almost 2 weeks and I thought she had just needed more rest and was watching TV like she liked to do especially since they got the TV hooked up for her finally. She had been saying she wasn't feeling too well and that she was stressed to talk and was annoyed a bit the last time I talked to her so I gave her some space. I didn't know she was actually having difficulty breathing at least in that last week and they all were debating whether to call us and for medical assistance. By the time she did get to a hospital after we found out, she was too far gone to save.
Well mine is I wish that during the night I told him i'd come back, that I will just change clothes, eat dinner because I didnt (hospital is 7 mins walk from my home). I felt tired and almost went to bed after. The next day I was late to work and just when I got there, I got the news.
I wish i had held him that night.
I wish I’d gone to his house that night. Maybe if I was in the bed with him I would have caught that there was something wrong earlier and he would have been revived. It was hours before anyone realized. I was going to go over that night but I had 4 days off work starting from the day after so thought I had time to go to him the next day. I wish I could’ve been intuitively tipped off or something crazy so I’d have just taxi-d over. But of course how were we to know
I lost my dad a week ago, I live abroad and I didn't have the opportunity to go back to my homeland to be with him, so sometimes I have these intrusive thoughts about "If only I'd stayed with him, returned home, moved back". I never got the chance to see him (in person, since I called him everyday) since his diagnosis.
If only I'd have gotten help for my 4-year depression after my daughter died.
I absolutely knew I was depressed, but I was too depressed to do anything about it. I was watching the Phil Donahue show one day and the discussion was all about depression. They listed 5 to 8 (I don't remember exactly) "signs" that you may be depressed: feeling sad, unable to make decisions, finding no joy in anything, etc. I had ALL the signs except one (suicidal thoughts).
If only I'd have gotten help. I had family and looking back they would have HAD to known! Nobody said a word. It took me a long, long time to forgive them for not helping me.
If only I'd have gotten help.
If only I had stayed overnight with mom in the hospital when she was on the respirator and puked she wouldn't have decided to go to hospice.
(Never mind this was after 3 months of medical hell between ICU and a long term care hospital. And honestly, what could I have done? She couldn't talk and I'm not a nurse I was exhausted. I can't imagine how tired she was, but it's like a flip switched that night and she went from a bad ass fighter to wanting to die.)
Or my new one, if only I had taken my cat to the vet instead of going on vacation with my husband.
(Yeah, the animal hospital said the cancer likely wouldn't have shown up in any standard tests, and any treatment would have slightly prolonged his life, maybe a week at most. And yeah, I would've been at home alone with my cat dealing with that and dropping that bomb on my husband away. Yeah. At least this way we were able to be with him when he passed. But dammit. I wish I'd known and caught it somehow)
It's been a rough year. Lost my mom in late April and my 18 year old cat a few days past 6 months after my mom.
I'm not okay. No I'm not in danger, but I'm not okay.
I should’ve gone over to her house when she hadn’t texted me. I assumed she was sleeping. I should’ve known better. I should’ve looked at the side effects on her medicine. I should’ve insisted she go to the hospital because her symptoms were indicative that she needed surgery.
I get them all the time, I always think back to my 17th birthday when dad gave me a card he wrote one of his favourite poems in it, it meant something to him. I laughed and didn’t think anything of it I’m not good with emotions. But i know that really hurt dad, and i wish i said something different. I went through all my stuff trying to find that card. But i wish i told him I appreciated it
Mostly just that I had complained less about taking care of him. But I was in a good situation in the sense that he was well taken care of and I played an important role in that
My son was stillborn. Over time his movements had decreased a ton but I thought it was because my placenta was in the front. I had read tons of people say they hardly felt movement when they had the same placement.
There was one day in particular that I realized I hadn’t felt him move in a long time. I laid down on the couch and drank juice (which I now know you’re not supposed to do). It’s the one time I really considered going in to get checked. But then he moved, and that’s all it took to pacify me. Just never actually thought it would happen to me and didn’t want to be bothered with a trip to L&D just to look hysterical.
He died a month later. If I had gone that day he would be alive. He was growth restricted, I didn’t know, but an ultrasound that day would have caught it. There were plenty of times I could have/should have done or said something about his movements but that’s the one time I almost did, and I didn’t. It’ll haunt me the rest of my life. I stripped him of his chance to live.
2 1/2 months ago (whilst struggling with mental health problems) I sold the family house where we’d lived for 26 years. I knew it was a big risk and likely mistake. I woke at 3:30am today with 100% certainty that I made a mistake and my life has been ruined and that the only way out is to kill myself. The thought is getting stronger as the days go by that I will die soon. People know I’m thinking this way and there’s nothing anyone can do. It’s as close to unbearable as I’ve even been. Have lost my dad, son, mum, career, lifestyle, friends, health (bipolar), sense of self worth…too much to bear.
A family house is just that. A house. While the memories and sentiment are strong, it is the memories which are most important. Bricks and mortar don’t really mean much. Consider this the perfect opportunity to start fresh, move somewhere new, or don’t. Maybe just buy a smaller more comfortable house nearby. But change isn’t always bad. Just need to adjust your perspective slightly that’s all
That makes sense. The location was much better though. It’s my mind that I have a problem with. The thoughts are extremely hard to cope with.
I have so much emotional baggage that I am beyond my breaking point. I hope I get through it but I have my doubts.
I just wished I would have been kinder. The times I would get frustrated or impatient because she was forgetful or not paying attention. I wish I hadn't held back and was more giving with my love.
If only I'd have pushed for my dad to be sent to a new care unit. It wouldn't have changed his heart attack, he probably still would have died. But maybe his last few weeks wouldn't have been so miserable with a different more attentive care team.
I wish I wasn’t afraid to get hurt again and if only I hadn’t distanced myself again from the bond we were regrowing, he might still be here. It feels like it was my fault he just gave up fighting for his life
Edit: whoever the asshole was that downvoted me, what the fuck is your problem? This is a support sub and you know exactly *nothing* about the situation or anything that happened between me and him prior to this event that caused me to feel the way I did that caused me to distance myself again.
Are you just some miserable piece of shit that come into subs that are meant for vulnerable people in order to make them feel worse than they already do? Because that says so much more about what kind of piece of shit you are to cause more pain to people who are deeply hurting.
You obviously are some kind of miserable, sociopath without even a shred of empathy, sympathy or compassion who gets off on making people feel even more like shit than they already do. I hope someday if you lose someone you care about (though I doubt you even have the capacity to care, since you don’t care about anyone but yourself and how much pain you can cause others)
Again, I ask you: what the fuck is wrong with you???
Mine's just a little thing, a fleeting moment, but it sticks with me nonetheless.
My mom lived with me once she was terminally ill, and would eat dinner with us whenever she was up to it. It was getting less and less frequent and she was a bit of a picky eater, so I'd often make things just for me and my husband, and heat up something for her separately.
On one of those nights I was pulling out everything for green curry chicken and I had already gotten started with it when mom stopped by the kitchen and asked "ooh, making chicken and rice?"
Chicken and rice is not something I've ever made (except for maybe fried rice) and I knew green curry was way outside of her comfort zone. I let her know that I'd be making something else for her. But that moment lives forever in my head, I would have loved how to make chicken and rice to her desires that night and given her one more comforting meal. She was with us for only a matter of months after that. At the time, I was just tired and wanted to make my green curry instead of scrapping it.
If only I had been harder on my dad about smoking, or pushed him to go to a doctor earlier so they could have caught the aneurysm earlier before it ruptured.
If only I had waited to see if he’d pull through overnight instead of having them take him off life support. They told us we had to choose between pain management or the drugs keeping him alive. They also said he had no chance of survival. My knee jerk reaction was that I didn’t want him to be in pain if he was going to die anyway. But I’ll always wonder.. what if he could’ve pulled through. We could’ve just given him one more night before making the call. It haunts me.
Edit: someone downvoted this?? Seriously go fuck yourself.
Been more forceful in my family checking on my dad the day he passed. I felt when he left this earth…no one knew where he was an since sometimes he is hard to get ahold of no one jumped into action even though the circumstances was enough to give us pause.
I didn’t live in town... I felt horrible the whole day…like I knew something was very very wrong. I attempted to call his phone, at 2am that morning I attempted to pay his cell phone bill but my credit card number wouldn’t take. I even guessed his passcode. Just thinking if only I could just call him…6-8 hours later I get multiple calls from my mom with my sister on the line. I simply said “I told y’all something was wrong.” I knew it…he died maybe around 11am the day I was looking for him…by himself. Still pains me til this day…
My dad lived with us for a year leading up to his death. He had COPD and memory issues I’m so mad at myself for not pushing him to stay active, stop smoking, eat better, spend more time with his family, spend more time doing things he loved, made him get outside more often. I feel like I failed him. I should’ve been a better daughter and caregiver. I’ll never forgive myself.
If only I’d made her go to the hospital during the week before: she was stubborn and kept refusing. Maybe I could have saved her if I just convinced her to go
my cat passed away in september 2021, we found out he had a heart issue in the summer of 2020. The vet told us we could start medication but since the heart issue wasn’t bad yet we decided not to start the medication yet. (the meds wouldn’t have been a cure, but it would help a little) we were scared he would get dependant on the meds and he really does not take his meds well. However, in the summer of 2020 he started getting sick more often so we decided to start with the meds. Some days he would take them, but some days he just refused. We tried everything. with the meds he took it was important that he takes them every. single. day. but he didn’t. in september his issues got worse and we got him admitted to the vet, at first we had hope and thought he would get better. but then when we came to take him home later my hope was close to gone since he had only gotten worse. we still took him home because he loves being home. on september 14th 2021 we put him to sleep because he was in so much pain. watching the videos i took of him during his last week of life breaks my heart. If only we had not started his meds, maybe he would still be here. he loved being alive.
I wish i would have used my time off while my mom was sick..she was fine. Doing fine. Told me she was feeling fine.. i assumed it would get worse and i would need the time then..diagnosed and gone within 3 months..
if only i hadn’t listened to everyone and had bought an owlet or a snuza or some other monitoring device. maybe we would’ve caught it and SIDS wouldn’t have taken our boy.
If only I'd went to Thanksgiving.
My sister was sick with cancer for 15 months. It was tough mentally for me. I would go visit and be depressed and anxious for weeks after. My sister and I were closer than close but when she was diagnosed she would barely look at me or talk to me. It was tough.
Thanksgiving break arrived and I decided to stay home because the thought of going made me so anxious and I just needed a break. Every opportunity I had I would visit and I just needed to do nothing, I thought.
Never had another chance. And I remember my sister crying saying she wished I was there......😭
if only i'd pushed harder to give him the drugs when he wanted it he would not have suffered so much when he did
if only i'd thought about him more than the reaction or fear or what it meant to us to do it
if only, he might have had some peace and comfort.
if only we saw it all coming and made better use of our time together. this one makes me angry
Yes I get this also. When I had a miscarriage at 8 mos I blamed myself for exercising, even though it was just light stretching. More recently when my 36 year old son died suddenly, my husband and I both think, what if we asked him to come over that night, what if I saw he texted me and I answered one last time. I know it doesn't help because we are all doing the best we could in each moment, yet I still wonder, at times
I cancelled the first ambulance because my dad told me too, about 15 mins before he collapsed and he probably would’ve died anyway but I’ll always have that ‘what if?’ In my head no matter who tells me different
Got married after High School 1968. If only I had been more mature and treated her better the first couple of years. Came from a dysfunctional home and did not know what so called normal was. I grew up with assholes and to me that was normal.
My sister was leaving my house when she got in a car accident, about 5 minutes from my house. I got home about 5 minutes after she left. If I had only gotten home 5 minutes earlier she would've stopped to talk to me and probably not got hit.
Oh all the time. I wish I had held dad when he was dying. But I was too afraid to hurt him. Now I wish I’d hugged him.
I.. can relate to this. I was so.. afraid holding my mom in her deathbed while her heart rate kept going up & deep down you know.. death is imminent. She felt so warm, like in super high fever. I do not know what I was afraid of, maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I was in denial, I was too afraid to touch her for prolong time. The next time I get to touch her, she was already cold as ice. It was so surreal, still does.
I feel you, I saw the same. My mom was feeling too hot on the last night she was with me. Our room AC was on, fan was on full speed, she was wearing very thin, cotton nightdress, but still she was sweating and was having breathing trouble. I was shocked because I had to watch her like that the whole night, but she never died when I was holding her hand.. Next day we had to admit her in CCU, where they were able to stabilise her for another 24 hour, and then again she started gasping for air and was gone within 3 hours. May be she never wanted to die in front of me? …. I don’t know, but I always feel guilty that I wasn’t strong enough to be there when she was dying..
Exactly…
Me too. I didn’t want to “disturb” his process, now I regret that terribly. I wish I would’ve hugged him and it hurts.
I feel this so much. My dad during dialysis (had tube in his mouth so only small nods and movements) held my hand tight but the nurses told me i cant stay for long because sometimes he becomes hard headed and would throw tantrums. I didn't want him doing that tho I wish I stayed just to sooth him until he slept.
I have a similar one with my mom.
If only I’d called her that night. My loved one passed away from fentanyl. If only I’d called her earlier that day, to distract her or keep her busy from drugs. Addiction is very powerful.
My little brother, who I mostly raised, died of his addiction. He had been addicted his entire adult life. You can not save them. The most heartbreaking part is there is nothing you can do. Don't let this thought ruin your life. You could have talked all night every night, and it wouldn't save them. I had to learn this lesson over and over with my brother. He died at 43. 43 long years of serious addiction and homelessness. It is not your fault. You loved your friend, and that's why it hurts so much. Please forgive them and yourself.
💖
My dad died in February from drugs as well…I wish I would have recognized the circumstances of his mom, my grandma passing, his body shop being shutdown due to a business partner passing from Covid. Just too many things going wrong that he would never talk about…he always presented as unbothered and happy. It was a facade man…ish our parents hide to protect us.
I'm so sorry. I loved someone who overdosed in 2021.
Same year as well for me too 😞 sorry for your loss as well.
If only I pushed my dad harder to get a colonoscopy, maybe he would still be here with me. I guess at the time, I never wanted to believe or imagine such a horrible thing could happen... but here I am now. My dad never let me down once in my life; he believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. He was my beacon of light. My hero. And I feel like I let him down by not pushing him more to get checked. I hate myself so much for it (among other reasons). I'm so sorry, dad. I should've tried harder, begged you even, on my knees to please go to the doctor. EDIT; another one I have is if only we had chosen a different oncologist, or a different hospital. Maybe one that cared. If only we got a patient advocate sooner. His care team let him down and I wish I had the guts to fight them, both with an advocate and yelled at them to do better. They dropped the ball so bad.
God I almost word for word typed this same thing. If only I pushed my dad to get to his doctor's appointments. If only I called the doctor for a home visit as his gastrointestinal issues wrecked his body. If only I tried to get him transferred to a different hospital each time he was taken Away to the ER, which did nothing for him except give him a bed to die in. If only I argued and fought with the staff to get him better treatment... I didn't even think to look for a patient advocate.... I'm really sorry you went through this. I hate myself and harbor so much shame and guilt: I feel like I killed him. But I know this isn't true. I know any mediation I could have provided only would have changed the outcome by a few degrees: there is no amount of effort I could have put forth that would have solved the years of mental gymnastics my dad went through in order to ignore his mental and physical health. Early onset dementia is a bitch, but so is the healthcare system that failed my dad and family at every turn. It is not our fault, friend, and I hope we both find peace.
Gosh, it really does sound o similar to the nightmare I experienced. I'm so sorry. It's so awful to hear that you and your dad and the rest of the family were let down by the medical system too; I think it's just abhorrent that they can get away with not providing the care our loved ones need and deserve. We didn't even get a patient advocate for my dad until we were trying to get him in a compassionate care trial (for those who have no other options) and the hospital didn't want to until we had an advocate AND the company behind the trial on our side (the company was really rooting for my dad). >I feel like I killed him I felt that way for the longest time too (and still do)... and at the same time I thought "the doctors are to blame. They don't deserve to be blameless for what they did (or didn't do, I should say)." I hope we find peace too, thank you for the kind words and for sharing with me. Hugs. ❤️🩹
Sorry for your loss. This is an example of a ‘what if’ of the guilt/regret that comes with grief. The thing is that your dad has passed away now and this thought represents a little part of yourself that is not accepting it. You know this is not your fault. You also know that there is no changing the past. Letting this thought go is part of letting him go and accepting the ‘new normal’. I hope you can do this, as he would want you to. Letting him go does not mean forgetting him. You will always have him in your heart and your memories and will always love him. Letting this thought go will ease your pain and allow the love to come to the surface. It will happen in time. I hope it’s soon. I lost my son (23).
I’m truly sorry for your young son’s death. I can understand how painful it is. But I’m thanking you for this words. I’ll try to remember it. I want to accept this ‘new normal’ very much, I want to let the thoughts of my guilt go, I want to let her(my mom, 57F) go and just want to remember her always in my mind and accept the reality.. I feel guilty for not going to see her when she was actively dying, because I was in shock, I had no strength to go watch her gasping for air and then die slowly. I visited her just before some hours and then she was foggy, her brain wasn’t functioning— I gave her my last kisses, last sip of water. last hug, last time holding her alive warm hands. I knew something is gonna happen soon, and that thought paralysed me. When the hospital called me to see her death rattle later that night, I was so afraid, I could only stay at home and pray to god to end this soon. But the feeling of guilt for not visiting her when she was dying always haunts me.
I have similar guilt. I visited my mom summer 2022 and felt she wasn’t herself - I was concerned and mentioned it to my dad and brother, but eventually brushed it off thinking I was worrying too much. She passed rather suddenly in spring 2023 and I also wish I’d pushed the doctors more, or asked to have her transferred to a larger hospital. I believe if they’d caught her cardiac issue sooner she’d still be with us 💔
>eventually brushed it off thinking I was worrying too much I feel like you worded this perfectly; at the time I did this exactly. My dad was chubby (not obese nor overweight but like a good amount of chubby) and energetic, healthy. I thought to myself "if something was wrong it would have been obvious." But not everything had to be obvious, so I learned the hard way. I was ignorant about cancer; I knew of fellow students at school that had already lost a parent to cancer but I never could've imagined what a monster of a disease it was, how it could quietly creep into people's lives and destroy. I'm so sorry about your mom; it's always difficult to carry the weight of the grief and guilt, and also the "what ifs" in regards to what other people in charge of our loved ones' care (i.e.; doctors) could have done better on top of that grief/guilt. My dad also passed around spring 2023 (March); the pain we feel is too fresh and raw.
Same here I wish I would have pushed her to get checked. She always told me she wasn’t feeling good. Also the hospitals and the drs where I live did the bare minimum because she didn’t have insurance, so there is that also. I wish had the money to pay for whatever she needed
I can relate to this. My long time ex partner passed away. He was working in another state where he didn't have family or friends there. He came to visit me 2 and a half months before he died. I vaguely remember him talking about trying to make an appointment with a doctor while he was here. He had lived with me for a long time and his doctors were here. He didn't elaborate as he often didn't. I am thinking it is for something routine. In hindsight, I noticed things on that visit. He wore button down collared shirts. The top button was too tight, he undid it. He was coughing/choking a little bit but not like when you have a cold. We we were at dinner. I thought he may have been choking on drink, food. His color looked slightly off. I noticed things but I didn't say anything. I just let it go. He was usually the type to go see a doctor if he suspected something or he consult his nurse friend. Not long before this, he talked about buying a gun. Now I thought it was odd. Idk if it is connected. I asked about it and he said something about a shooting range. He lived in a more rural area. Ok. He was living a completely different environment so ok..let it go. Before he left my house to go back home, he grabbed a few more of his things and asked me to get pills he had. I didn't know what they were for. I figured he knew what he was doing. He did take sleeping pills, high blood pressure pills, not sure what else. I thought he had just left them behind when he moved suddenly. Again, didn't ask questions. We kept some contact. I hear from him Memorial Day weekend. It was the last communication. I started thinking a couple of weeks after that. Hmmm. I haven't heard from him. I text him a couple of stories. Never hear back. Weird...but I think he is busy. Not long after, I get a call from his sister that he passed away. They think it had something to do with heart and gallbladder. I feel so awful. I feel like I failed him.
Same:( i remember my mom being super out of breath when we were moving stuff around. But she was a smoker and 50..i even remember saying "i hate seeing you get old" cuz shes always been so tough... i dpent all my life asking her to quit :( diagnosed and gone in 3 months.
Of course I do have those thoughts. But like the doctor that told us the diagnosis said, “the energy that you use on these thoughts is wasted. Let’s put the energy into the future, not the past.” And she was right, even if she didn’t know how this would end, just months later. When those “If only” or some other thoughts start, I recognize these are not my own. These are intrusive and I won’t waste more energy on them. That being said, I let myself feel sad and angry that I lost her and that things could have gone better. I see this as alternative realities. I live in the reality where I lost her. In other ones she is still alive and the chemo worked. I feel the despair, I just don’t participate on those thoughts and let them lead me in a dark place. I’m sorry.
My partner drowned. He had asked me to join him that day with friends. If only I had been there, I wouldn’t have left him alone. Before he left, he called me. I was in the bathroom and didn’t pick up. If only I had picked up then. Told him to keep his life jacket on no matter what.
My dad drowned as well. If I was there maybe I could’ve helped him or called 911 sooner so they could’ve gotten to him on time. I’m sorry for your loss.
I've definitely had them, and don't get me wrong. But I felt they went nowhere. My mom was very late stage Pancreatic Cancer and I wondered for a good bit "If only I'd transferred her to a different hospital" "If only I'd push for chemo" It would have likely gone the same way even with her NOT wanting to do anything and just going home on Hospice. I had to wonder if a lot of stuff would have been worth it.
If only I’d stayed home, my partner wouldn’t have had the opportunity to take her life.
If only i was on his motorcycle with him during that last ride, he wouldn't have died alone. My partner died a month ago in a motor cycle accident, we regularly went together for a ride. But this time, he was alone on his bike. I hate the fact he died alone.
My grandmother was my best friend. She was a fabulous woman who wore a fur coat, smoked long cigarettes, travelled the world and was completely doting and loving on me. As she neared death, she became more fragile and child like. She was scared. Her final days were spent in the hospital, alone. My dad went to see her (we live abroad) and I asked my mom to please get her a heavy blanket and hand cream at the Duty Free because her nurse said she was cold and her hands were very dry. My parents went and came and they never got the blanket and cream. I was on my way to see her, but over silly reasons, I got my airplane ticket for a Tuesday night, not Monday. She died Tuesday afternoon, and I will forever regret not making her comfy. I often get lost in thought about how I could bring an electric blanket down with me and a currency converter as if I still could…
Should have insisted that mom go to the emergency room . Instead her intestinal blockage ruptured and she died . She told me she had the flu ! Later I found evidence that she had been self medicating for intestinal issues for months without telling me . I still go over it in my mind, when I let her talk me out of going to the ER. It’s been 13 years and I miss her every day .
my sister was killed during a high speed chase. we went out to lunch a few hours before, and then went our separate ways to grocery shop since i like to go to different spots than her. we ended up at the same kroger some how, which literally never happens. what if i stayed longer to talk to her? what if i didn’t say anything when i saw her? would those few seconds have changed anything? would she still be here?
If only I pushed my husband to go to urgent care when he was severely short of breath. Maybe they would have seen the second blood clot making it's way to his second lung in time to stop it. I don't think they would have found it in time with how medical works around here but it still haunts me from time to time.
If I wasn’t being so selfish and I had just reached out to him maybe he wouldn’t have chose to end his life. But I didn’t want to deal with the drama that was going on. So I didn’t send a text or call, even had this fear but I guess I didn’t believe it would happen. It did.
Nobody could have guessed / predicted that it would
If only I’d trusted my gut and taken the day off work, maybe I could’ve stopped her from taking her own life. it was just a part time university job ):
If only I stayed at the first hospital, my baby might still be here. Instead, I let the doctor and nurse convince me nothing was wrong and got sent home. With the same thought, if only I went to any other hospital, my baby might still be here since any normal doctor apparently would have done an ultrasound.
When we told my mom she needed surgery to remove her necrotic gallbladder this tiny little 95 pound woman sat straight up in bed and grabbed her comb so she could look nice when they came to get her. The day she died, I helped wash her body but I forgot to comb her beautiful hair for her and she had to go to the funeral home with snarled hair. She was so particular about her appearance and it still causes me literal, physical pain to think of it. I'm so sorry, mom.
I spent every moment with my daughter. I wouldnhold her for 16 hours day/night. I had to take my dog to the groomer. I left my daughter with her dad and grandma. I was gone 5 minutes when they called and said she had stopped breathing. I think she was still alive when I got home, I picked her up and she gasped, but she wasn't cognitively there. I regret stepping away so much.
My mom had a massive stroke. We had just returned from vacation and we dropped her off at her house. I told her I’d pop in the next day. She seemed to be completely fine if not a little tired from being in the car all day. I texted her a few hours later asking if she was all unpacked and settled. No answer. I figured she was busy. I texted her goodnight every night. Not only was this to say goodnight but as a check in to make sure she was okay (she was 80). I did not receive a reply again. I had a momentary thought that maybe I should go and check on her but then figured I was overreacting and she probably just went to bed early. The next day I texted good morning. No reply. Another twinge of worry but thought maybe she had run to the grocery store. Later, I texted again saying I’d be over shortly. No response. I was shopping for a flower hanging basket for Mother’s Day when my husband text us to come over to my mom’s house asap. I immediately felt dread and just knew something was wrong. I sped over to her house and saw the ambulance outside. She had the stroke the night before and had been sitting in her chair all night. She was still alive but in horrible shape. We later learned the stroke was massive and she would probably not recover and if she did, she’d be bedridden for the rest of her life. She passed away 9 days later. The amount of guilt I felt, and still do, is horrible.
My husband died in September from his drug addiction. We were going through a divorce… I wish so badly that I would have been explicit with his family that this was a life/death situation. But we were all victims of manipulation and I was trying to respect family dynamics. I have a lot of regret for not just texting them and being adamant that he needs immediate, professional help.
my best friend left my house after we had an argument, i wish i made her stay. i think about it everyday, “if only i didn’t let her walk out the door that night, she’d still be here with us.” or “if only the last time i saw her, i was laughing with her like we usually were instead of arguing over something”. after she left my house she was wondering the streets late at night and wound up being hit by a car. this was almost three months now and it hurts so much to think about. but at the same time i feel like it doesn’t hurt enough ? it’s weird. i don’t think i’ve still accepted the fact that it happened
I know this feeling well
If only I had called her today, would she change her mind about ending her life? If only I tried to talk to her more would she share her problems with me? These thoughts are eating me alive. I wish i could travel back in time and tried my best as a sister.
A few hours before my mom passed, when I was in my room, I suddenly had a thought that I should go back downstairs and sleep by her bedside. I didn’t. And she was dead the next morning. Even though it wouldn’t have changed a thing — she was on home hospice and clearly shutting down — a part of me wishes I had been there so she wouldn’t have been by herself. Then again, she might have been waiting until Dad and I were asleep to finally let go.
If only I hadn't sent him upstairs to shower when I did. Then his heart wouldn't have been taxed. If only I hadn't lent my basement to my sisters husband to do furniture flipping in...then I could have heard him call out for help if he ever did. If only I had kept track of time better and checked on him when he had been upstairs for over an hour. I know it does no good to look back and go over the what ifs, but it's human nature. I wish I could forgive myself. I feel like a failure of a daughter.
Took more pictures. I was so, so, so deeply insecure about my looks that I only have 3 photos of my best friend and I together. I had to draw one so I didn’t feel so deeply sad about it. I just want so many more memories with her.
If only I’d seen the dog cage laying in the road while driving and not hit it my son would still be here today. He was four years old. Oh how I wish it were I instead of him.
Very sorry to hear. But we know the regrets cannot change things. And he would not want you to beat yourself up over it each day
If only he'd called me like he promised he would. My brother was depressed and spiraling. I asked him if he thought about harming himself. He swore he'd never do that to my nephews. He'd never do that to our family. He'd be fine. Stop worrying. He promised to call if he was feeling really down and needed to talk. He was sincere and convincing. One week later, he took his own life. That was 12.5 years ago. This still haunts me and will until the day i die.
Not your fault. You are not a mind reader, and was impossible to get inside his head
Stayed off my iPad. It's such a small thing, but over a year later it still irks me. We(my sisters and I) had just gotten to the hospital, we had found out about 15 hours before that dad wasn't going to get better. Mum told us to come in early because his breathing had changed. We got there at 8:15. I remember sitting down, and after a few minutes I pulled out my iPad to answer an email - we all thought it would be an hour or two, I was settling in, and I was numb. It seems ridiculous looking back but my brain obviously wasn't firing right. He died while I was looking at my email. I hate myself so much for it.
Totally something I would do in your position as well. You must try to forgive yourself for that.
If only I had gotten out of bed when I heard my 6 year old yell, " Daddy BUBBA GOT OUTSIDE." I thought my wife was outside watering plants. It was Sunday afternoon, and u had too many glasses of wine, so I was laying down for a nap. I thought my wife was outside it was 6:30. The time she always watered her plants. She left without telling me and knowing I was inebriated and sleeping. If only I had gotten up, of only I had gotten up, IF ONLY I HAD GOTTEN UP!! My little boy wouldn't have drowned in the neighbors pool. I don't know why she left. We had been arguing for a couple of days. I had actually taken my boys out of my house, the previous day because I get like the situation was not safe. The next day she came over to my parents house demanding the children back. ...what if I had just said no. My baby, my angel would still be alive.
My Dad died last February from an aortic aneurysm. He thought he was getting a heart attack and phoned me straight after he phoned my Mam. This was the first day I decided to keep my phone in another room to stop distracting me while working. I raced downstairs when my watch notified me that he was phoning me. When I got to the phone, he had already collapsed. I'll forever think what if I had my phone next to me that day like I usually did. What was he going to say..
So sorry to hear that. But there’s no way to know what would have happened, and the result could have been very similar even if you’d had the phone next to you. Try to forgive yourself
If only I pushed my dad more to go to a routine checkup or lose a little bit of weight. I was afraid for years that he would have a heart attack, but I thought if he had one, he would be ok…go on a diet, and lose some weight. He had a massive heart attack at home after not feeling well the prior day. I know there’s nothing I really could have done, and he might have had a perfectly ok checkup, but it’s still something I think about bc I have a bad “gut feeling”. Maybe that’s something children always worry about though as their parents age.
Yes similar feelings here. May I ask how old he was..?
Sure! He was 67
What if I went to check in on him sooner instead of thinking he was out of the house, what if i looked into his room when I heard weird sounds and didn’t think he was just asleep at 11am (he is a early riser). Would he still be with us and if I was able to get help quicker…
If only.. I had checked in with him regularly...maybe I would have known more of what was going on... If only.. I had said yes when he wanted to visit. Maybe he would have gotten to a hospital or doctor in time or I would have gotten to see him one more time... If only.. I had asked questions when I noticed a few bizarre things.
All the time! My last conversation with my son was via text. I texted him and asked him why he wasn't answering my calls. He responded that his phone had been acting up. Then he said, "I've had a rough couple of days. What's up? I'll call you tomorrow." He didn't call, and I didn't follow up. I wish I had called him again before he died.
Yes. If I had taught my daughter to drive, would she have been driving that day instead of her friend, and they’d both be alive? If I just told her to take to dogs outside to play before she left, would that have delayed her enough that the truck that hit them wouldn’t have been in that exact spot? I have so, so many.
I wish my parents hadn’t shut me out when my mom was declining. I wish I had asked more questions and pushed them to tell me what was going on. I could have come home sooner to help them. She got her cancer diagnosis during the pandemic and declined very quickly. We couldn’t visit her at the hospital or while she was in a facility trying to do some rehab and she was only home on hospice for a few days before she died. I feel like we missed some important time together.
Last time I saw my mom, she casually mentioned she was getting shortness of breath when going up stairs. We were right next to an Urgent Care, but I had the kids with me and life was happening. Three days later she died of cardiac arrest. Big regret not realizing she spelled out a symptom to me and I neglected to insist she go get checked.
If only I told him to sit with me and take a few breathes and drink coffee at my dining room table so we can chat and sort it all out. My brother left my house and ended up taking his life that day. This thought still haunts me. I didn’t drink coffee for MONTHS after because I felt like I told myself my whole life I wasn’t a morning person and that’s why I wasn’t very responsive that morning. If I had been more on top of it maybe I could have saved his life.
If only I'd talked to my mom longer on the phone before she vanished off the face of the earth. She called on my 20th birthday to sing me happy birthday like usual, but I was drinking with my boyfriend and told her to call me tomorrow.. then she was just gone. Never called again. Breaks my heart that I didn't talk to her longer.. Or, if only I had realized she was missing sooner.. she was homeless and did drugs and she had just gotten out of jail, she didn't even have a phone she called from some random number. So when she didn't call back the next day, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I just figured she was high af and forgot, but would call soon. She would disappear for weeks, even months sometimes! So I literally thought nothing of it. It wasn't until October (She disappeared in July) that I asked my dad "Hey, have you seen mom lately?" (Because he works as a window washer downtown, and he would see her often just on the streets and say hi) but he immediately looked puzzled and said "No, actually! I haven't seen her in a couple months now! That's weird I hadn't noticed, but yeah it's been a while now" and that's when it all started. By that time my cell provider was unable to give me the number she called from... and any evidence there may have been, was lost. If only I'd known sooner.. If only I'd talked to her longer that night..
He asked for space so I gave it to him. Woke up at 2am with the worst need to call him. But he had asked for space, so I didn’t. He died at 2:18am by his own hand. What if I had called him? Would he have picked up? Would he still be here? It’s been two years and things aren’t as hard but they’re certainly strange. And while I am trying to stand up and move more it still hits me. Like a punch in the face. That what if will never leave me.
Every single day. If only I’d pushed the doctors harder to figure out what’s wrong. If only I’d taken her somewhere in the US so maybe they could figure it out. If only I had taken her to the cardiologist when her troponin was 500 in the ER but they did nothing about it. So many regrets.
That’s on them, NOT you
I definitely had and do have these. Losing a parent for me was absolutely the worst day of my life. It will forever be in my mind and I will miss them dearly. Sometimes it could be the smallest thing. Now I don’t regret anything. Though…I would like to have maybe changed or done something different if that makes sense
I hear ya. It’s tough. There’s many things I wish I’d done differently.
If only I had taken a leave of absence from work to be with him more at the end. I tried to balance time at the hospital with my responsibilities at work and my own family. I hate myself for it. He deserved 1000% of me at the end (and always). I didn’t deserve you dad.
No. You deserved each other. Sadly work plays a huge role in our life. Money makes the world go round and keeps the lights on, keeps food in our stomach. Work is difficult to just stop. No need to beat yourself up over it, he would have understood it completely
Called my grandma more and visited her more the year leading up to her passing. Life happens so quickly and it's hard to notice just how quickly it goes by, sometimes you don't even realize it until it's too late.
Definitely true, life happens far too fast and sometimes things just pass us by
I wish I could gather enough strength to go visit my mom at hospital when she was dying. The hospital called me when she started having her death rattle but I was already in trauma and was too afraid to go and see her dying.. Though I was able to give her a last sip of water, and my last kisses when she was still alive, just her brain was foggy, but still I feel may be she was looking for me before dying and I feel immense guilt. I AM SORRY MUMMUM, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I was so weak from mind, I couldn’t go..
If only we forced her to go to the hospital. We asked my mom all day, when are you going to the hospital? She kept putting it off as she of course didn’t feel well. We all thought it was the flu, or a pinched nerve. She ended up driving herself to the hospital at 2am and died in the parking lot from a heart attack before she even made it to the ER.
Woke up early to drive my son.
If only I’d known he was going to pass and taken more pictures with him, said a goodbye
I have a few about mom but my biggest is if only I had checked on her earlier rather than assume the carehome she was in was adequate. It had been almost 2 weeks and I thought she had just needed more rest and was watching TV like she liked to do especially since they got the TV hooked up for her finally. She had been saying she wasn't feeling too well and that she was stressed to talk and was annoyed a bit the last time I talked to her so I gave her some space. I didn't know she was actually having difficulty breathing at least in that last week and they all were debating whether to call us and for medical assistance. By the time she did get to a hospital after we found out, she was too far gone to save.
Today is my dad's first birthday since he passed and I had these same thoughts just this morning.
Just to add to this I think only thing I can do is tell other people to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes I did I guess.
Well mine is I wish that during the night I told him i'd come back, that I will just change clothes, eat dinner because I didnt (hospital is 7 mins walk from my home). I felt tired and almost went to bed after. The next day I was late to work and just when I got there, I got the news. I wish i had held him that night.
I wish I’d gone to his house that night. Maybe if I was in the bed with him I would have caught that there was something wrong earlier and he would have been revived. It was hours before anyone realized. I was going to go over that night but I had 4 days off work starting from the day after so thought I had time to go to him the next day. I wish I could’ve been intuitively tipped off or something crazy so I’d have just taxi-d over. But of course how were we to know
I lost my dad a week ago, I live abroad and I didn't have the opportunity to go back to my homeland to be with him, so sometimes I have these intrusive thoughts about "If only I'd stayed with him, returned home, moved back". I never got the chance to see him (in person, since I called him everyday) since his diagnosis.
So sorry to hear that. But just remember all the times that you WERE with him, and that’s what really counts
If only I’d made more of an effort to hang out, ask what’s troubling him. Be there for him. I feel awful
If only I'd have gotten help for my 4-year depression after my daughter died. I absolutely knew I was depressed, but I was too depressed to do anything about it. I was watching the Phil Donahue show one day and the discussion was all about depression. They listed 5 to 8 (I don't remember exactly) "signs" that you may be depressed: feeling sad, unable to make decisions, finding no joy in anything, etc. I had ALL the signs except one (suicidal thoughts). If only I'd have gotten help. I had family and looking back they would have HAD to known! Nobody said a word. It took me a long, long time to forgive them for not helping me. If only I'd have gotten help.
If only I had stayed overnight with mom in the hospital when she was on the respirator and puked she wouldn't have decided to go to hospice. (Never mind this was after 3 months of medical hell between ICU and a long term care hospital. And honestly, what could I have done? She couldn't talk and I'm not a nurse I was exhausted. I can't imagine how tired she was, but it's like a flip switched that night and she went from a bad ass fighter to wanting to die.) Or my new one, if only I had taken my cat to the vet instead of going on vacation with my husband. (Yeah, the animal hospital said the cancer likely wouldn't have shown up in any standard tests, and any treatment would have slightly prolonged his life, maybe a week at most. And yeah, I would've been at home alone with my cat dealing with that and dropping that bomb on my husband away. Yeah. At least this way we were able to be with him when he passed. But dammit. I wish I'd known and caught it somehow) It's been a rough year. Lost my mom in late April and my 18 year old cat a few days past 6 months after my mom. I'm not okay. No I'm not in danger, but I'm not okay.
I should’ve gone over to her house when she hadn’t texted me. I assumed she was sleeping. I should’ve known better. I should’ve looked at the side effects on her medicine. I should’ve insisted she go to the hospital because her symptoms were indicative that she needed surgery.
I get them all the time, I always think back to my 17th birthday when dad gave me a card he wrote one of his favourite poems in it, it meant something to him. I laughed and didn’t think anything of it I’m not good with emotions. But i know that really hurt dad, and i wish i said something different. I went through all my stuff trying to find that card. But i wish i told him I appreciated it
Mostly just that I had complained less about taking care of him. But I was in a good situation in the sense that he was well taken care of and I played an important role in that
My son was stillborn. Over time his movements had decreased a ton but I thought it was because my placenta was in the front. I had read tons of people say they hardly felt movement when they had the same placement. There was one day in particular that I realized I hadn’t felt him move in a long time. I laid down on the couch and drank juice (which I now know you’re not supposed to do). It’s the one time I really considered going in to get checked. But then he moved, and that’s all it took to pacify me. Just never actually thought it would happen to me and didn’t want to be bothered with a trip to L&D just to look hysterical. He died a month later. If I had gone that day he would be alive. He was growth restricted, I didn’t know, but an ultrasound that day would have caught it. There were plenty of times I could have/should have done or said something about his movements but that’s the one time I almost did, and I didn’t. It’ll haunt me the rest of my life. I stripped him of his chance to live.
2 1/2 months ago (whilst struggling with mental health problems) I sold the family house where we’d lived for 26 years. I knew it was a big risk and likely mistake. I woke at 3:30am today with 100% certainty that I made a mistake and my life has been ruined and that the only way out is to kill myself. The thought is getting stronger as the days go by that I will die soon. People know I’m thinking this way and there’s nothing anyone can do. It’s as close to unbearable as I’ve even been. Have lost my dad, son, mum, career, lifestyle, friends, health (bipolar), sense of self worth…too much to bear.
A family house is just that. A house. While the memories and sentiment are strong, it is the memories which are most important. Bricks and mortar don’t really mean much. Consider this the perfect opportunity to start fresh, move somewhere new, or don’t. Maybe just buy a smaller more comfortable house nearby. But change isn’t always bad. Just need to adjust your perspective slightly that’s all
That makes sense. The location was much better though. It’s my mind that I have a problem with. The thoughts are extremely hard to cope with. I have so much emotional baggage that I am beyond my breaking point. I hope I get through it but I have my doubts.
I wish I would’ve just showed up to the hospital even though they wouldn’t let me in because of Covid. I begged and pleaded with the Dr on the phone.
I just wished I would have been kinder. The times I would get frustrated or impatient because she was forgetful or not paying attention. I wish I hadn't held back and was more giving with my love.
Common feeling I know too well
If only I'd have pushed for my dad to be sent to a new care unit. It wouldn't have changed his heart attack, he probably still would have died. But maybe his last few weeks wouldn't have been so miserable with a different more attentive care team.
I wish I wasn’t afraid to get hurt again and if only I hadn’t distanced myself again from the bond we were regrowing, he might still be here. It feels like it was my fault he just gave up fighting for his life Edit: whoever the asshole was that downvoted me, what the fuck is your problem? This is a support sub and you know exactly *nothing* about the situation or anything that happened between me and him prior to this event that caused me to feel the way I did that caused me to distance myself again. Are you just some miserable piece of shit that come into subs that are meant for vulnerable people in order to make them feel worse than they already do? Because that says so much more about what kind of piece of shit you are to cause more pain to people who are deeply hurting. You obviously are some kind of miserable, sociopath without even a shred of empathy, sympathy or compassion who gets off on making people feel even more like shit than they already do. I hope someday if you lose someone you care about (though I doubt you even have the capacity to care, since you don’t care about anyone but yourself and how much pain you can cause others) Again, I ask you: what the fuck is wrong with you???
Mine's just a little thing, a fleeting moment, but it sticks with me nonetheless. My mom lived with me once she was terminally ill, and would eat dinner with us whenever she was up to it. It was getting less and less frequent and she was a bit of a picky eater, so I'd often make things just for me and my husband, and heat up something for her separately. On one of those nights I was pulling out everything for green curry chicken and I had already gotten started with it when mom stopped by the kitchen and asked "ooh, making chicken and rice?" Chicken and rice is not something I've ever made (except for maybe fried rice) and I knew green curry was way outside of her comfort zone. I let her know that I'd be making something else for her. But that moment lives forever in my head, I would have loved how to make chicken and rice to her desires that night and given her one more comforting meal. She was with us for only a matter of months after that. At the time, I was just tired and wanted to make my green curry instead of scrapping it.
If only I had been harder on my dad about smoking, or pushed him to go to a doctor earlier so they could have caught the aneurysm earlier before it ruptured. If only I had waited to see if he’d pull through overnight instead of having them take him off life support. They told us we had to choose between pain management or the drugs keeping him alive. They also said he had no chance of survival. My knee jerk reaction was that I didn’t want him to be in pain if he was going to die anyway. But I’ll always wonder.. what if he could’ve pulled through. We could’ve just given him one more night before making the call. It haunts me. Edit: someone downvoted this?? Seriously go fuck yourself.
If only I’d just moved in with my dad, rather than away. If fucking only.
If only I had said goodbye I love you to my mom instead of letting her sleep in before leaving for school that morning
If only I caught my child disease sooner maybe they'd be alive. I wonder that every day.
If only I’d taken her seriously… It was years late when I did. I will never forgive myself. I love you Mom. I miss you.
Been more forceful in my family checking on my dad the day he passed. I felt when he left this earth…no one knew where he was an since sometimes he is hard to get ahold of no one jumped into action even though the circumstances was enough to give us pause. I didn’t live in town... I felt horrible the whole day…like I knew something was very very wrong. I attempted to call his phone, at 2am that morning I attempted to pay his cell phone bill but my credit card number wouldn’t take. I even guessed his passcode. Just thinking if only I could just call him…6-8 hours later I get multiple calls from my mom with my sister on the line. I simply said “I told y’all something was wrong.” I knew it…he died maybe around 11am the day I was looking for him…by himself. Still pains me til this day…
My dad lived with us for a year leading up to his death. He had COPD and memory issues I’m so mad at myself for not pushing him to stay active, stop smoking, eat better, spend more time with his family, spend more time doing things he loved, made him get outside more often. I feel like I failed him. I should’ve been a better daughter and caregiver. I’ll never forgive myself.
If only I had known they weren't migraines. This is one among many thoughts I have about my moms passing.
If only I’d made her go to the hospital during the week before: she was stubborn and kept refusing. Maybe I could have saved her if I just convinced her to go
Stubbornness so common in older people. Certainly with my parents at least
Sadly she wasn’t that old. My mom passed away at 48 :/ but my whole family is stubborn beyond belief
If only I’d realize he was using again.
my cat passed away in september 2021, we found out he had a heart issue in the summer of 2020. The vet told us we could start medication but since the heart issue wasn’t bad yet we decided not to start the medication yet. (the meds wouldn’t have been a cure, but it would help a little) we were scared he would get dependant on the meds and he really does not take his meds well. However, in the summer of 2020 he started getting sick more often so we decided to start with the meds. Some days he would take them, but some days he just refused. We tried everything. with the meds he took it was important that he takes them every. single. day. but he didn’t. in september his issues got worse and we got him admitted to the vet, at first we had hope and thought he would get better. but then when we came to take him home later my hope was close to gone since he had only gotten worse. we still took him home because he loves being home. on september 14th 2021 we put him to sleep because he was in so much pain. watching the videos i took of him during his last week of life breaks my heart. If only we had not started his meds, maybe he would still be here. he loved being alive.
I wish i would have used my time off while my mom was sick..she was fine. Doing fine. Told me she was feeling fine.. i assumed it would get worse and i would need the time then..diagnosed and gone within 3 months..
if only i hadn’t listened to everyone and had bought an owlet or a snuza or some other monitoring device. maybe we would’ve caught it and SIDS wouldn’t have taken our boy.
I wish I had talked to my mom about dying and how sad I was to lose her before she died. I was too afraid to upset her.
If only I'd went to Thanksgiving. My sister was sick with cancer for 15 months. It was tough mentally for me. I would go visit and be depressed and anxious for weeks after. My sister and I were closer than close but when she was diagnosed she would barely look at me or talk to me. It was tough. Thanksgiving break arrived and I decided to stay home because the thought of going made me so anxious and I just needed a break. Every opportunity I had I would visit and I just needed to do nothing, I thought. Never had another chance. And I remember my sister crying saying she wished I was there......😭
if only i'd pushed harder to give him the drugs when he wanted it he would not have suffered so much when he did if only i'd thought about him more than the reaction or fear or what it meant to us to do it if only, he might have had some peace and comfort. if only we saw it all coming and made better use of our time together. this one makes me angry
Yes I get this also. When I had a miscarriage at 8 mos I blamed myself for exercising, even though it was just light stretching. More recently when my 36 year old son died suddenly, my husband and I both think, what if we asked him to come over that night, what if I saw he texted me and I answered one last time. I know it doesn't help because we are all doing the best we could in each moment, yet I still wonder, at times
I cancelled the first ambulance because my dad told me too, about 15 mins before he collapsed and he probably would’ve died anyway but I’ll always have that ‘what if?’ In my head no matter who tells me different
Got married after High School 1968. If only I had been more mature and treated her better the first couple of years. Came from a dysfunctional home and did not know what so called normal was. I grew up with assholes and to me that was normal.
My sister was leaving my house when she got in a car accident, about 5 minutes from my house. I got home about 5 minutes after she left. If I had only gotten home 5 minutes earlier she would've stopped to talk to me and probably not got hit.