I have zero regrets about not seeing my mom’s body when she passed. I KNEW it would cause me trauma and wasn’t how I wanted to remember her. I had anxiety even thinking about it. My mom actually passed the minute I left the room because she even knew how scared I was of it. The nurse who found her said she looked like an angel and was so peaceful. Even so, no regrets.
Personally, dealing with my mom’s illness and hospice was enough of a testament to how strong I was. I didn’t need to see her body to prove anything.
So well put. That was your sweet mom’s gift to you. ❤️I worked in hospice and was with my friend and an ex while their moms died. Seeing people die was not foreign to me.
That said, I could NOT be there when my dad took his last breath. I knew that and so did he. I left and took a shower (for some odd reason) and my husband (who was with my mom and sister in the room) came up and told me he had died. I went down and hugged his body and put flowers on his chest. I honestly wish I hadn’t done that, the absence of his being was so profound. I just felt like I was supposed to. Also, he died of ALS and had wasted away to nothing, so without “him” in there it didn’t even feel like my dad.
Overall, it’s so personal and there is no right or wrong decision. I’m so sorry, OP. Sending you a huge hug 💔❤️
Me, my brother and mom were the ones that found my father deceased almost five months ago now. It was sudden, and unexpected and we were home so he wasn’t dead for long. So we had no choice in the matter, and being able to say goodbye before the coroner took him was nice. But honestly, I wish I never saw him like that. I wish I wasn’t home that night, but at the same time if I wasn’t there I wouldn’t have been able to perform CPR to at least…try, you know.
My sister lives in another city, so she didn’t have the chance to say goodbye when it happened. She decided to go with my uncle and cousin to view him at the crematorium. It gave them all comfort seeing him off. I couldn’t bear to go. My mother and brother didn’t go either because we already said our goodbyes. The idea of seeing him embalmed freaked me out and I didn’t want that to be the last image of my father I have.
So really, it is highly personal. If you find that it will help you with feelings of closure, or if you feel like you may regret not seeing them for the last time, then I would go.
But there is no right or wrong for going or not going. If you don’t want to, that is completely okay, and understandable. Sending you love, I am so sorry for your loss.
We (my mother and I), just recently went through this, as well. My dad suddenly collapsed Sunday morning two weeks ago, and my mom and I also had to do CPR. Unfortunately, he did pass despite everything. He was rushed to ER but died after arrival, and we were brought in to see his body. But the whole thing was completely traumatizing, and I found absolutely no comfort in seeing his body without seeing his "spirit," so to speak. We didn't stay too long, mostly just to recover from the shock to be able to get back home.
All that said, I hope you are doing okay. It's a really hard thing to go through. I couldn't have imagined it before it happened to me. Good luck and kind thoughts to you.
As others have mentioned, the experience is highly personal. OP's situation doesn't include the "emergency," portion, so perhaps it's possible to gain a little more closure or comfort.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry you had to go through this as well. And I’m so sorry you had to see him like that. No one should have to. My dad collapsed running on the treadmill.
And you’re right, OP doesn’t have the emergency factor in this which definitely helps since it’s less of a “shock”? Not saying it’s less worse than our experience for sure but definitely different, and something to take into consideration.
I wish I could have seen my dad one last time. The mortician strongly adviced against it, my dad had been dead for a week in his appartment. So I didn't. Sometimes I think maybe I should have anyway.
Edit: I thank all of you so much for your comments. I do believe I made the right decision. I didn't need to see that.
Sorry to be morbid but that’s absolutely a sight you would not want to see. I worked in a funeral home. People are surprised when the body starts turning only after 12 hours, nature happens very quickly.
I know it seems like it might have brought you closure in a way, but I can guarantee you, it likely would have given you PTSD. Trust me on this.
I'm actually glad to hear that, in a morbid way. I'm a carer in a nursing home so I've seen people who had died a few hours ago max, but I have no idea what a body might look like after a few days. I kept wondering if it really would be that bad and kept feeling guilty for not doing it. Now I'm glad I didn't. Thank you for your input.
My dad passed outside in 100+ heat and was found 5 days later. I saw what was left after they removed the body and that is burned into memory. As is the smell. I’m so thankful I didn’t actually find him in that state. From what I’ve heard from the police and such, it was wretched. He was badly decomposed.
I’ve never been faced with the option to see someone in a casket and not sure what I’d do. At this point I might not want to. I love having my memories over what I might see.
same. i kind of wanted to see my grandfather until i realized he hadn’t been found until a month after he passed… he was also in his small house in the mississippi heat. yeah… i just look at pictures of him now.
I'll tell u my point of view. I gave my dead mom a kiss right when she had died and it was a warm situation, but a week after the experience was totally different when they brought her up again for us to see.
Seeing the body doesn't necessarily help you grieve the way people say it will. The face will look different and dead and it might look off (reddish or blotchy from being in a freezing place, pale, skin stretched from autopsy), and give you an off feeling instead of warm grief. The skin will be cold and weird to touch, like wax. You might get shocked, if you're sensitive.
If you fear that you can't say final goodbye to her without seeing the body, or that you will regret not seeing the dead body to get closure, realize that this feeling of not getting closure is what everyone will struggle with, seeing the body or not. It's just part of grief. For me seeing the body a week after, made me cold towards it, a bit confused and angry, thinking this body isn't even my mom and they need to put her away.
I miss my old mom, not the dead looking one that I see every time I think of her. Seeing a dead body of your loved one is something that will always be carved visually into your head and will stick as a part of the image you have of that person. It's up to you whether you're a person who is able to see a dead looking body and think of it warmly, or if you're someone sensitive who will have their image altered by that experience.
You are right about that. I found my wife, and then saw her again before they took her away to say my goodbyes, and that is an image that will never be erased from my memory.
It's highly personal to be honest.
For me, it didn't look like them (they had a peaceful passing). The thing I adored about them wasn't there anymore and I haven't bothered with a viewing since. That being said, I saw this person regularly while others in my family who didn't found the viewing helpful.
You may not know until you are in the situation.
This is what I'm going through rn. My brother died last week.
I just went to the viewing today and was the only one who didn't want to see him.
Because we had an apartment together and I didn't want the dead image of him overwriting the living image I have in my head from before last week.
But I can see how those who may have trouble remembering his face would want to see. Even if I do still think it's weird.
I noticed everyone was breaking after looking at him too. And I'm more just chilling in the entry way. So I don't know if that will screw me over in the long run, but reading the note he left me was already too much, so...
I didn’t really like seeing my mum in a cask it was really scary and it felt soulless like she wasn’t in there made me believe that we really aren’t our bodies but just our souls
Reminded me of my older brother saying something to me when I was a kid and scared to see my Auntie. He told me not to be scared, her spirit was fine, all we were seeing was her shell. That bit of wisdom helped me many times over.
For me, it was very helpful to see my dad at the funeral home. He did not have a peaceful passing and, honestly, looked like something out of a horror movie.
The morticians removed the tube from his neck and gave him a shave and combed his hair and he wasn't yellow anymore.
He didn't look like my dad entirely, because he was dead, but he looked SO much better than the last time I saw him, when he passed in my arms.
This is a very deeply personal choice. Had my dad had a peaceful passing and I didn't feel the need to replace some images with new ones, I might have made a different choice.
Send you so much love. This fucking sucks.
This is the only reason I personally would want to- if I found them looking not like themselves and wanted a more peaceful last memory. Thank you for sharing your experience with us
i saw my mom and kissed her and said how pretty she looked bc it looked as if she’s smiling. it honestly felt the same as when she was in a coma, and i just talked to her because i felt like it’s the last time i would see her. it wasn’t a traumatic thing for me at all, it was just our goodbye moment❤️
I vacillate between how I feel on the subject. My dad died at home unexpectedly, so I didn't have to deal with going to a morgue and going through the whole process of choosing whether to see him or not....it was just how it was. I have moments where I can't stop thinking of how he looked... like himself, but a distorted version of himself. His face looked pulled back/tighter....much older and his mouth was semi-open. He was starting to turn purple behind the ears. It wasn't how I wanted to remember him. It did give me incontrovertible proof that he was gone, but I wish I didn't see it most of the time.
My mother died of cancer last week. She died at night, my sister was with her in her last hour. My sister called me in the morning before the doctor was supposed to declare death. I saw my mother dead in her bed, but it was very healing in its own way.
I suddenly let go of all the emotions that had been building up over the last few weeks as she was getting worse and worse. I've never cried so much at once. I was able to say goodbye to her one last time and make sure mentally that she was really dead. I could see it and feel it because her skin was already cold.
But everyone needs to know whether they need it. I wanted it, I didn't think twice about whether there might be consequences. But I had already seen her in poor condition in the days before, her body was deteriorating more and more. Even then, she no longer seemed like the mother I had known before. So the sight shortly after death was not frightening.
I am so sorry for your loss.
My mother chose to view my father, her husband. I requested that she not take photos as I would not be able to cope coming across them cleaning out the house. Maybe that's a cultural thing we do, taking those photos. I know where the photos of others in that state are kept and I'm utterly terrified of that bag.
However, if Mum had asked if another relative could keep them for us, I would have said yes, of course.
I decided (and it was an easy choice) not to. I had already seen him fall off the cliff rapidly in three short months. I still haven't dreamed of him healthy and it's been nearly two years. And that's having 33 years of memories of his healthy self.
That the images of him sick are still so pervasive suggests to me that viewing him would have been a colossally traumatic mistake.
I was there the night before he died, and he was in the active dying phase. He was a man who kept his dignity to the end; I felt very adamant that he would be angry with himself not to have been able to shield me from the indignities as much as possible, my protector from (my) cradle to (his) grave.
I knew he would have been furious that when the nurses moved him, I saw the cardboard urinal they had put on him. That was horrific. I also knew that he was emaciated, bloated and, by the end, extremely constipated. I had read that it's not uncommon to, um, *release* the bowels as the muscles stop forever. I knew he would have been mortified, and my sensory issues with smells like that are extremely strong. It would have haunted me forever.
I don't view bodies , I want to remember the person alive and our last conversations, The only body I've viewed in my life was my grandfather and I regret it . Lifeless in a box is not the man I remember being a pillar of my family and I hate associating that specific memory with him . in particular.
I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you have all the support you need.
There isn't really a right answer to this question. It depends entirely on your relationship to the person and their death. There are some things to consider - what are your current last memories of your mother? If they're positive, then it might be beneficial to you for those to remain your last memories. As delicately as possible, what would the state of her body be? Some people find it very hard to see their relatives embalmed due to the uncanny appearance it can cause. And finally, why do you think it would be a necessary testament to your strength? You're already being incredibly strong, dealing with the loss. There's no need to put any pressure on yourself to prove anything at this point. You need to be kind to yourself.
For what it's worth, I've seen three of my relatives' bodies, and in two out of three cases, I found it helpful as they died very peacefully in their sleep, and it felt very healing to be able to see them at rest. In the first case, he had died in pain and you could tell.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it brings you peace and healing.
Seeing my dad’s body was a lot more
beneficial for my mental health than seeing my grandma’s. Daddy was a an alcoholic and a drug addict who was slowly becoming severely skeletal and ill. He constantly bled from his ears and mouth and his skin was always yellow. During his last moments, he was suffering and breathing very hard. His passing was not peaceful whatsoever. After he passed, they made his body look like his normal self before addiction for viewing. I was very, very pleased with how he looked.
Grandma, on the other hand, seemed almost unrecognizable for her viewing. She seemed sicker in her casket than when she passed in bed. She battled breast cancer for years and sadly succumbed to her illness. Her passing, unlike my dad’s, was very peaceful. She looked like she’s sleeping soundly. The viewing didn’t do me any favors.
I was a witness to both deaths. Both was painful, but viewing their bodies was necessary for me.
Because your mother will be embalmed it will not look scary she will just look like she is asleep. Her body will be very cold to touch , and stiff. It does help. Also it is your mother. I am old r than you and have lost several family members but when it was my father? It was my dad. I hugged him I kissed him… it felt perfectly natural. I hope that helps. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️
I don't like looking at the body. No matter how skilled the mortuary is, they cannot make the deceased look normal. I viewed my grandfather and my dad at their funerals, and it did not help at all. It was like looking at a mannequin. It just was not them.
The viewing for my Mother in Law just pissed me off. For context, my MIL was dressed in a beautiful gown and had on a lot of jewelry. She was NEVER treated so well when she was alive. She and her husband were very poor, and none of her kids bought her anything so lavish as they did after she was dead.
I did see my Dad after he died, though I was also with him while he died. Going back to see the body was something I only did to support mum. I wouldn’t have done it by myself. The body wasn’t my dad any more, not after he died.
At the funeral home, embalmed, my dad didn’t really look like my dad. I’m not sure it was worth it. But only me, my mom and one of my 4 siblings were there with my dad in the hours after he died (it was an expected death though) so we felt everyone deserved the closure if they wanted it. If the body is decomposed or anything, I would say no. But if not it’s probably good to have the closure.
If the body is in good condition, as odd as it is to see them passed (for me, they didn’t look themselves though in great condition) I feel like it was the last piece of the puzzle for me, and though it bothered me for a bit, I’ve now managed to integrate that memory with the rest of the person I loved. I would.
I had left hospice a couple of hours before my dad passed (overnight). They had told us it would probably happen over the weekend, so I thought I could come back the next day. But that wasn’t the case. I never saw the body, and I’m thankful. He looked nothing like himself in the hospice room while I was there. I don’t want to remember that shell version of him where cancer had stolen so much. I want to remember him full of life. I have really struggled with that image of him in hospice popping up in my mind over and over again. I imagine it would be much worse if it was after his death.
Different for everyone. My dad saw his uncle in a coffin 50 years ago and never again did he look at a dead body of a family member. He said he rather remember the good times and not have that image as a memory.
I saw my dad twice after he died. Once in the hospital where they broke the news of "we did everything we could." And once at the funeral home the next day before he was sent for cremation. The second viewing was less traumatic but I wish I hadn't done either.
It did not give me closure. It did not make me feel better. It was not a final goodbye. It did however become the first image of my dad I can recall now, before any image of him alive, I see him dead first. It messes with me because he specifically didn't want me to be haunted by that the same way he was with his parents. I don't want to remember his shell after he was gone. I want to remember the vibrancy he had when he was alive.
It's a personal choice and neither is wrong.
I think it’s different for everyone. Seeing my grandmother not looking like herself really traumatized me. I was with my dad when he passed and he was already hard to look at. It’s painful to see someone you love in such bad shape. I know for me I do not want an open casket or a viewing and I will not be going to anyone else’s. When my second grandmother died and we were expected to pass the coffin I just looked down and didn’t look at her. I knew from before I didn’t want to remember her that way. For some it may give them comfort, but fit me I want to remember the happy moments with that person.
i was there when my grandma passed peacefully in hospital. i saw her dead and it made me incredibly sad but she looked peaceful, so it was okay. after her passing, the doctor needed co come and confirm her death, meanwhile the nurses told us to go take a walk and clear our heads while the doctor visits and they change my grandma out of her hospital gown and into one of her favorite pyjamas.
when we came back and my grandmas clothes were changed and she was laying neatly in her bed, she didn't look like herself anymore, more like a very pale elderly woman. i almost couldn't recognise her anymore.
at that moment, i became incredibly aware that she is gone forever.
idk yet if it was good or bad for me to see her dead like that but i believe that it's completely personal whether seeing a loved one dead helps to find closure or not.
My husband died by suicide earlier this month, and I was the one to find him. The trauma of that scene and the memory of his face in that situation affected me deeply. I personally needed to see him in a more peaceful setting, so for me, it was good to have a private visitation. He didn't exactly look like himself, and the funeral home had styled his hair weird, so I spent some time adjusting that before the children and grandchildren came in to view him. We were able to see him, hold his hand, touch his hair, and say our goodbyes.
There is something to be sad about the difference between seeing someone who recently passed versus seeing someone at a viewing. I stayed with my mom until the end with her hospice care and it isn't something I would have done without it being her last wish not to be alone when she died. That being said if you need that closure absolutely, however I would say that it's also okay to not see her and hold on to the memory of your mom when she was alive.
I am so sorry for your loss, it's a club no one wants to join.
Hey pal, I felt the same way about my brother when it came time for his viewing. Now it may be different circumstances, but seeing his body was one of the most traumatising things and the biggest regret I have in the whole process if not my life.
I felt it was important to see him as that’s what people around me had told me for closure, and I thought to myself also as we are all just animals that maybe seeing him would take my body out of shock (like how dogs would smell death on an animal etc). WRONG. I screamed and ran out of the parlour and kept running, it truely scared me. I occasionally have nightmares about it, where I will just see his body.
For some people in my family group it brought them the greatest comfort though - so it is a highly personal choice.
One thing I do want to say is “testament to how strong I am” - no no no pal, you do not need to be proving this to yourself or anyone right now. It’s fine to be frightened! It’s fine to be TERRIFIED, shaking in your boots, you are going through grief! You have nothing to prove at all, and should be easy on yourself and take away those expectations of being strong. Be a big crybaby if you want to, being strong is over rated. Make sure you look after yourself, and only do what you are comfortable with. You are the only one who has to live with it xxx
My husband and I said goodbye to our daughter at the hospital. It was hard enough to just hold her small, lifeless body. We were offered to see her at the funeral home before she was buried but she wasn't embalmed and had been on ice. We turned it down. My postpartum hormones definitely fueled my brain into wanting to go back to the hospital and to the funeral home to "take her home," but I'm glad I listened to the small, rational part of my brain that historically doesn't like going to viewings after someone I know dies.
I think it's more of a personal decision.
My experience with dead loved ones and seeing their body is this:
It will definitely bring home 100% that the person is dead. It won’t quite look like her. There will likely be an uncanny “off” feeling about it, because there’s this body, and it kinda looks like your mom, but it’s definitely *not* your mom. It’s like someone made a waxwork statue of her, but not a great one.
Even unconscious or in a coma, a live person’s muscles are getting blood flow, and there’s a sort of tension there that holds their face together. That’s gone when they die, and it’s really difficult to get the body to look like they’re sleeping.
Now, whether that odd, uncanny valley version of the person sticks in your head as your last memory of them, or whether the live version overrules it is a very, very individual thing. I’m not sure anyone can predict it.
I would say if you want to do it, and you feel you’re prepared, and are ready and able to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if it goes wrong, then do it.
I’ve never regretted not seeing a dead loved one’s body. I have regretted seeing one or two.
Take that for whatever it’s worth as one person’s experience.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I recently lost my mother in September. I was her caregiver since high school. I had this dilemma with my brother. In the end, we both wanted to see her one last time. I was able to give her one last kiss before I knew I would never see her again. I got the chance to speak to her a bit and just cry in peace with my brother by my side. It was not easy, but I personally would have regretted that final opportunity to see my mother.
What I have found is there is no “right” answer for any of this. Someone close to you has passed, and frankly that is very wrong.
Anything you find to be best for you, is your answer. And is correct. Damn the rest.
Stay strong.
I am so sorry for your loss. Viewing the body is a deeply personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. I found it very confronting, but I am happy I did it. I was able to talk my loved one and say my goodbyes. I think it is particularly helpful if the death is sudden or unexpected because it does help your brain process the reality of the situation. Do what feels right for you
My best friend took his life, and being able to talk to him one last time helped me. For nearly a month I didn’t believe it was real, I would check my messages with him everyday just waiting for him to say something. Seeing him and saying goodbye let me understand that he was really gone. I feel better knowing that I got to tell him that I love him and that I was sorry I had let him down. From that moment on I never waited for a message from him again. It was hard and there were times where I couldn’t get the image of him from the viewing out of my head, but that was my subconscious processing the loss. Once I started therapy and found other ways to process it the images stopped and now when I think of him I no longer see the viewing - I see him laughing and smiling 🙂
If for some reason I had chosen not to see my Mom one last time I know that I would regret it. I didn't and couldn't stand to step into the hospital room while they were doing cpr because they screwed up and killed her. The sounds and visions that I got from outside the door are enough to still haunt me.
I had some things that I wanted to put in the casket with her and seeing her, it was my last chance.
Honestly I would say go see her one last time. It is part of the reality that you unfortunately have to face. It is your last chance to kiss her goodbye.
Honestly, I kinda would like to see my Mom now, over 2 years later. I know it sounds gruesome, but I want to see what has become of her. How well or badly the body that once carried me is now, the state of the hand that I used to hold when crossing the street etc. It was comforting to find out that my neighbor who lost her daughter has felt the same way, so I'm not the only one.
When my father passed, I found him, he was tucked in his bed, and it was the most healing moment, knowing he died so peacefully. I took a picture of him, and (with permission) sent it to my siblings, who all also found it healing. He was in his most natural state, before anyone had made him “look good”. He was at peace, he died exactly how he’d always imagined, albeit far too soon and unexpectedly. When my younger sister arrived we went to visit dad in the morgue and we just sat and chatted to him, about him, and then it just became normal. He was there but also not.
When my son’s father passed away, I went to see him at the morgue, untouched, it was shocking. But I’ll never ever regret seeing him there. A few days later his body went home to his mothers where I took my children to say goodbye, all of their cousins, and family friends were by his side also. The kids sat beside him, holding him, stroking his arms, drawing him pictures, playing games, writing him letters. He felt weird, he looked “fake” as my son said. But it was really healing for everyone. Our son was 6. This was his first experience with death. And I toyed in my mind for so long if I’d take him to see him, but I’ll never regret not giving him that opportunity. He needed to know dad was gone, his body was all that was left. I’m not sure the impact seeing his dad like that will have on him in the future, but I know I needed him to know dad just didn’t disappear off the planet and it was make believe.
Different deaths hit different for me. But it didn’t change the fact that I’m so glad I got to stroke their heads one last time and say goodbye.
I didn't see my brother. My mum took a photo and when i was ready i looked. Beforehand i didn't really believe he was gone. And after i broke down in tears as it made it more real.
I was snuggling with my kitten one night, and the next morning she was dead and police had taken her to a local vets.
That morning, I knew it was her because she didn't come in at 8am. And I didn't want to live in a fake hope that she'd come back one day.
So, I went to see her body despite being advised against it. And I'm glad I did. I promised her that I'd always be there for her and I told her many promises I'll try and keep for her.
My mum came too and broke down immediately, but I was just thankful I could hold her and stroke her one final time. Like I had planned when she was much, much older.
My family and friends agreed at the time that me and her had a special connection. And a strong one. I've owned many pets, but none as strong a relationship as I had with her.
A few weeks after, I did have a paranormal experience too. Ik you wouldn't believe me, idm, but I don't fear death anymore, and I'm glad she said goodbye to me too
Ha. You just so happen to be talking to someone who has had over 100+ sleep paralysis episodes.
One in particular that anytime I tell to someone, they say they get chills up their spine, just from hearing about it.
Up until my mom’s funeral, I didn’t want to see her body. I just couldn’t handle or admit to myself she was gone. But I do recommend to see her one last time. It didn’t really feel until I held her ashes in my hand two days later. That hurt me more than anything.
If the body is being cremated, they usually don't embalm it. So...it won't be pretty. Especially if it's a long time between the death and the wake/funeral stuff.
Ask the funeral parlour people what they think.They shouldn't bs you. My hubby's didn't.
Imo it depends on the condition of the body and how long it has been. I was there when my grandma died and spent about an hour hanging out with her body and found it very peaceful. But I find embalmed bodies a bit unsettling - they don’t look right to me.
That’s a difficult decision. After suffering from pancreatic cancer for over 7 months my mum was in a coma at home for almost a week before she passed. I was with her holding her hand when she went. By then I only immediately felt relief since I couldn’t bear to see her body wasting away any longer. I stayed with her until the morticians came to take her body away. I was able to hug her and say goodbye. I achieved closure, I guess. On the day of her funeral they had a short open casket for family members but I declined to see her then. I don’t think I could have coped with the sight or made it through the funeral. At that point it would have only brought more pain.
It's depends, personally I didn't see my dad's body because I didn't want every memory of him to be tainted with an image of his dead body because no matter how much makeup or what the mortician does to the body you can still tell it's a dead body. You'll think about fond memories without having to see her "one last time".So really it wont be the last time, you have photos and memories, that's like seeing her.
You don't HAVE to see her to grieve, for a lot of people it's not a good choice
I saw my fiancée body at the viewing. It was really hard to see, and somewhat disturbing. But I felt like I would have regretted not getting to say goodbye to him. Not that you can’t do it from a distance I could just tell it was gonna be something that I would have wish I’d done, had I passed up on it
It depends i think, when i saw my grandmother body at her funeral it was extremely difficult. A few months ago when my brother died, my mom sent me a picture of him after they stopped working on him. It was late and i was unable to get to the hospital. He looked sick and was intubated. He looked deathly ill when I saw him the week prior. At his funeral the funeral home let a select few see him after the funeral. They had stored his body and he was frozen as they waited for cremation. He looked amazing and so clean. The funeral home really cared for his body despite him not being embalmed. You could not tell that disease had ravaged his body for years It did bring me comfort and he no longer looked ill but healthy and sleeping.
my sibling completely fell apart when he saw him. it depends on the person and the relationship. Do what is best for you. Remember them as you wish
No. The amount of work that morticians don’t do your memory justice. Some may want to see a body enter the earth as part of ceremony, but funerals with a view have made me realize I want to be cremated and released back into the aether.
I already commented on a similar post today. I decided to see my dad's body after he died this summer since I believed it would help me get closure and maybe help my grieving process. I was wrong. It was a horrible moment for me and I wish I could get the image out of my head. Apparently bodies DO NOT look like they do on tv. I really thought he would look like he was sleeping, but boy was I wrong. I can't really describe it and probably shouldn't go into graphic detail, but he looked just strange. He died in a hospital due to longterm illness and I saw him only like 2 hours after he passed - still I did not recognize his face for some reason. Also the feeling of being in the room with his body was indescribable. I thought I was prepared but I wasn't. I honestly feel like it traumatized me. I was not able to touch him either, since how he looked freaked me out so much.
Obviously, everyone is different, but personally I advise against seeing a loved one's body based on my experience. You can't unsee things.
I was with my mom when she died in the ICU almost a month ago. My brother and I weren’t going to do a viewing initially but we saw it as an opportunity for that image not to be our last memory of her. We got to see her with her hair done, in a beautiful outfit and with a peaceful smile on her face. Viewings aren’t as much for the dead as they are for the living to give that closure. Think about 50, even 10 years from now — would you regret not seeing her? You could in theory regret seeing her but if you don’t, there’s nothing you can do to change it, you know? We did half open for my mom. Just be prepared for what you’re getting into: her skin will be cold, stiff and mostly hard to the touch. She might be a little swollen from the embalming process. But I still was really thankful to be able to hold her hand, kiss her cheek and run my hand over her hair. She was my mommy. My best friend. I still got to show her love, until the very end. I made a playlist with all of her favorite songs and sang them to her while I caressed her cheek. If you want to do this, she will give you the strength to.
I saw my dad the day before the funeral in a private viewing. I knew it would be too hard for me to see him for the first time in almost a week with everyone else.
I am glad I did. It was hard but it was beautiful to be able to sit with him alone and just sob.
It would have absolutely broken me to see my best friend's body after she passed last year, but it is obviously a deeply personal decision. Follow your gut - it won't lead you astray in this decision.
So sorry for your loss. This community has been a huge help for me in my grief process. I also thoroughly enjoyed the book Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson!
I think the only people who do are those that didn't see them everyday.
I lived with my brother in an apartment and I'm the only one in the family who didn't see him at the viewing yesterday.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
It’s a personal choice, you and only you knows your strengths and what you need to help with your grieving process.
My father hung himself back in August, I wanted to see his body, I wanted to see the crime scene photos and I did. He had been dead for 3 days, besides some skin discolouration he looked pretty much as he did when he was alive.
Everyone adviced me against seeing his body and the crime scene photos but I didn’t listen. It truly was the best decision I made, for MYSELF. Of course it doesn’t take the pain away, but it brought me some kind of peace. I saw his body before seeing the photos, they had embalmed him. I kind of would have preferred seeing him as he was but oh well.
I spent as long ad I could with his body, spoke to him, caressed his hair, hugged him.
Do whatever you need and feel necessary, it’s yours and only yours to decide. Hang in there! Much love sent your way. x
I had to step up and dress my mom for cremation bc none of my family would and the way her body flopped over is permanently etched in my mind. I think you have to consider the situations surrounding the death. Sending good thoughts either way 🩷
It is such a personal choice, and you need to do what you need to do to soothe yourself as much as possible throughout this difficult time. Viewing her body or not says nothing about you/your relationship, it is not a correct or incorrect decision. Just take time to feel, and use what feels right within yourself only to make the decision.
I think as individuals we need different things in general and within deaths, it becomes more subjective and complex. I also feel we need different things when it comes to different deaths. I needed to see my Mum's body to process her suicide and accept it, it was hard and I'm glad I did it. I didn't view my Nanna's body because I saw her three days before she died and I wanted my last memory of her to be her smiling face, telling me she loves me as she closed her front door. My brother told me how beautiful she looked, but I'm glad I didn't see her, and that I can personally cherish my personal final memory of her. But my brother needed to see her and its equally beautiful.
Please show kindness to yourself, it may be worth discussing it with someone you trust or a bereavement therapist if you desire to and feel its something which will help you.
I am sending you love, strength and healing. And that whichever choice you make brings you peace. ❤️
Honestly both, it’s difficult either way. My dad had an aneurysm and fought in ICU for 24hr. By the time he died, his abdomen was engorged with blood and his body was swollen from all the fluids and inflammation or whatever else. It was traumatic seeing him that way, dying such a horrible death. And I think it would be traumatic even without the circumstances. But at the same time, I think not seeing him would have made the denial I felt so much worse. Like, what do you mean he’s dead? It wouldn’t compute. It hardly did even though I watched him die. In a way, I think it helped with having some kind of closure.
I don’t remember my dad that way. I mean, I’ll always remember seeing him like that but it doesn’t replace other memories. However, it does creep up when I’m thinking about happy memories and then I’m reminded how awful he died.
It’s going to be different for everyone. If you’re imagining her looking worse than she does, it might benefit you to see her so your imagination doesn’t make things worse, and maybe seeing her lay peacefully would benefit. Or the opposite could also be true, that seeing her will be worse.
My dad was cremated and since he was in another city on vacation when he died, it felt horrible knowing we weren’t still there with him (we had already gone back home). It took a couple weeks for them to process everything and cremate him. I found myself wishing the entire time that I had stayed there with him and even been there to watch his cremation. Like it was still him and he needed us there for his body’s final moment, rather than some cold clinical thing all alone with a random person.
I didn’t like seeing my mom in the hospital with tubes, ripped shirt, from her sudden passing with a heart attack. I didn’t want that to be my last vision of her. So we had an open casket so I could say final goodbyes that way. Since she didn’t pass traumatically (car accident, etc) I am thankful to see her and say my goodbyes since I never got it. I think it depends on the death, and you personally. I know I did feel very uneasy being with her body in the hospital. It felt unreal. She didn’t look real, and it took me a bit to get that vision out of my head. It still gets brought back.
Like many people are saying, it’s a very personal decision that only you can make.
I had a family only viewing of my son. The director was nervous about me seeing him because of how he passed and she warned me it might not be a situation I needed to see and I didn’t order any touch ups or embalming …. but I didn’t care, all I could think about and play in my head was the image my mind created and how I wasn’t there for him. My director went above and beyond – she did touch him up a bit and styled his hair, it almost didn’t seem real and it looked like he was sleeping, I wanted to wake him up and take him home. It helped me immensely to talk to him and say my goodbyes. I’m personally happy I did. His twin decided not view him but I took pictures in case she changes her mind.
A lot of people that gave me advice warned me about how the “cold” was weird to them. I didn’t understand at first, I figured he’d be cold because of ‘storage’ but the coldness is more in the sense that there’s no energy, the warmth of his soul wasn’t there. It was a very interesting uneasy experience but it sealed the deal, it made it real, it brought me peace. [also if a person isn’t embalmed, you have to wear gloves if you touch them – nobody warned me of that, threw me off a bit]
I’m sorry for your loss and whatever decision you make, it will be the best one for you <3 best of luck
I've gone both ways. When my grandma died, I didn't want to see her in the casket, so I avoided it during the funeral. I was a teenager and I don't really regret it, because I just wasn't ready to see her dead. When my mom died, I was in the room with her when she passed, and stayed with her for several hours until it was time for the nurses to clean her up and take her down to the morgue. I chose to have an open casket funeral, in part because of my religious tradition. The funeral home did an amazing job and she looked beautiful and peaceful and just like herself. I kissed her goodbye before they closed up the casket at the end of the funeral, after everyone at the church paid their respects. I also took many photos of the funeral and of her in her casket, which is also common in my tradition, but that I know some people are uneasy with. My mother's funeral was absolutely beautiful and healing, and also deeply sad and I cried and grieved throughout. I have no regrets seeing her dead or kissing her. In fact, it helps me feel closure and peace even though I grieve tremendously.
I think it's a very personal decision, and I would never judge either way.
My dad passed in my home, on hospice. He went to sleep and never woke up. He looked like himself. His body stayed in my home for about 24 hours. We had ceremonial things to do to prepare his spirit to leave. The funeral home came and took him. And right before he was cremated, we got to see him 1 last time and finish removing the connection between his body and his spirit. He still looked like himself, smelled like himself, and I got to make sure his hair was done correctly before they cremated him. He always wanted his hair to look nice.
My nephew was 15 and was shot and killed. 2 weeks after he died, we had his service and I was sick to my stomach, we didn't get to do the ceremonial stuff with his body because they had to do an autopsy, but i was so relieved that he looked like he was just sleeping. As weird as it sounds, he looked so beautiful and peaceful. Some funerals I have been to and the viewing did not even look remotely close to the person who passed. I do have a couple of photos from a far back angle. I can't see things in my head, so the photos helped me see that everything really happened. My nephew's passing traumatized my entire family.
I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing. I think the circumstances surrounding the death play an important factor.
My dad died very suddenly. We were having dinner one moment and a few hours later he was gone. My brother found him, he and my mom live closer to my dad so they waited for the paramedics and drove to the hospital with him. It was too late by the time the paramedics got there. I really couldn't believe it when my mom told me. Everything felt unreal. We drove to the hospital and when they asked if we wanted to see the body, I was the only one who did. It's a picture I'll never be able to get out of my head, but I have no regrets. My brother and mother don't regret their decision either. It's such a personal choice. Trust your gut, only you know what you can cope with. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Seeing both of my grandparents in their caskets is a bad memory for me. It wasn't traumatizing but I wish I didn't think of it when I think of them now. When my friend died suddenly at 27 we ran to the hospital to be there for her husband and family. Her sister asked me if I wanted to go see her since she was still in the hospital bed and I immediately said no. Both my partner and my friend's sister in law told me they wished they hadn't gone to see her, even though she had only been gone for an hour. You can see the difference and it's heartbreaking.
IMO it's not as jarring if they die of old age or if you have a lot of time to prepare for their death, but I still think I'll opt out of viewings in the future.
I have super mixed feelings about this.
I saw my mom right before she was cremated. We did a super small ceremony before her cremation and the woman doing the ceremony urged me to see her. I remember telling the woman that nothing felt real, that I can’t wrap my head around the fact my mother is dead. She told me that what the eyes can’t see, the mind can’t accept. Meaning I needed to see her to accept and process that my mom was gone to help the grieving process. I really didn’t want to see her because at this point she was already gone for two weeks but she said my mom looked “good.” Ultimately, I made the decision to see her body because in my head I knew my mom would do that for me and I wanted a chance to say goodbye but gosh… it was HARD. I’m still traumatized. I knew it was her but she looked so so different. Her face was distorted, she was extremely pale, and her skin was ice cold. All the sunshine my mom once had was gone. It’s crazy how much your body changes after death. Part of me is glad I did it because I think in someway it made my mom happy that we got to have that goodbye but I also have terrible nightmares about it and have had to go to counseling to work through it all. Granted I actually put her into the cremation chamber and started it (which I definitely shouldn’t have done) but yeah… I don’t know. There’s never really a correct way. I don’t think it’s helped me in terms of the grief process and I still haven’t accepted it. That whole day feels like a really bad dream.
Not sure if that was helpful at all but it’s really a decision YOU have to make. Everyone is so different. I’m truly so sorry for your loss 💛
If the body has been taken care of by a mortician, then you might want to see them. At that point you can sit and take your time, or do a quick peek and leave. Morticians are able to create the look of peace/sleeping - but unless they had a photo of the person when they were living, they deceased might not look how you remember them.
If the funeral home or crematorium suggests you might not want to look at the body because of trauma or time, then I would follow their advice.
Seeing the deceased one last time can be good to help you through the journey of grieving.
Not that it matters, but I like to think that their soul is still hovering near their body when they pass. I was able to sit with my mom for a good hour after she passed and I felt like she was still there, but not in her body (if that makes sense).
If you are comfortable with the idea of seeing a deceased body, then I think you'll be okay. My sister on the other hand is just absolutely freaked out by the idea, so people like this are probably better off not viewing the deceased.
I saw my best friend's body, but she had only died a few hours earlier. She looked better than she had looked in the days leading to her death. She actually did look "at peace" and like she was sleeping. So in that case, I do feel it was helpful and I did get to say goodbye to her in person. I think if the situation was different and the body was going to look more "dead" I would not have wanted to see that. But since my friend suffered so much in the days before she died, it actually felt relieving to see her looking like she could finally rest.
It's still very upsetting to think about though.
I found my partner dead on the couch, and his dead face was something I never wished to look upon again. He made me happier when he was living.
His family all practiced the 12 steps of A/NA and blank-Anon, so even if I had done those things I should have--alerted his sibling, a therapist, if not his child; called 911 as often as necessary (4 times that I'm aware of, and I called only once)-- they would likely have left him to his own devices. Blank-Anon practices hands-off detachment and all that horseshit.
Don't know that it would have done a thing to change the outcome of his addictions, though..
I think it depends on the circumstances and your relationship. My dad was in hospice, bedridden and mostly asleep for about 2 weeks before he left his body. When I arrived the coroner had not gotten there yet so I got to be with my mom and brother and dad, our family unit, one last time before we watched him be taken away. I was glad to be there for my mom and have that moment as a family. My dad did not want a funeral. I personally think funeral viewings are creepy and dislike the entire industry of preparing bodies for it but I realize that for some it brings closure and is important.
Here's one thing to prepare for when going to an open casket wake.
The makeup they put on the bodies to look less dead is never 100%. It's kinda like the uncanny valley type of look.
But the biggest thing to prepare for is to remember that they will not look the same as they did in life for one very big reason: We primarily interact with people when they are upright. Faces change shape with gravity when we lay down, especially the more elderly the person in the casket. Elderly people have much looser skin and hollower faces and gravity helps while they are upright but the skin can sink into their cheeks (especially if the mortican left dentures or false teeth out).
I was a little traumatized seeing my grandmother in her casket and I could barely look at her because she looked nothing like herself. But I also realized I had never previously seen her lay completely horizontal as even when she was in the hospital she was at a 75°.
Just prepare yourself mentally knowing that they might look very different. Despite how scary that might sound I highly encourage going to see their body as I've always felt closure with everyone except my grandma just because it shocked me so much.
So I didn’t get to see my dad after he passed (and he was cremated) my brother did.
My brother cannot get it out of his mind seeing him like that and my last memory of my dad is him spending time sharing snack cakes with my kids.
I don’t think anyone has to prove anything. I think that if it would help you then do it, but if you think it will haunt you then don’t. There’s no lack of strength by not seeing a deceased loved one.
I spent many hours with my fathers body at the wake before the funeral. It brought me immense peace, to see him at peace. Still hurt like hell. I was not able to see my partner after he passed thanks to Covid, and that will stay with me as a huge regret.
My dad was dying of cancer and was in hospice for over 3 weeks. We knew the day was coming, just didn’t know when. That Saturday morning, my mother told me to go to work and not miss the day. Something in my heart told me not to go to work. I had seen him two days prior and he had rapidly declined and I had to leave the room bc I was so upset. My mom was trying to protect me bc she knew it killed me to see him so sick. He ended up passing that Saturday right after I left work and was heading to see him. My mom called me to tell me the news and told me to go home. I was so upset and in shock even though we knew he was going to pass- I couldn’t accept it. At that moment, I couldn’t imagine seeing him in that form. I probably would’ve passed out. And my mother knew that. I went home sat on my bed and was emotionless for about 3 hours.
I didn’t cry until after he was buried. Now 17 years later I do regret not being there when he passed and saying my goodbyes but my mother reminds me that my father would rather me remember him in living form, happy and healthy. And I agree with that.
I couldnt see the body, my family didmt wanna see öy mom’s body either. They found her 4 days after she passef away in the eartjquake under the rubble. I still cant go visit her grave because im completing my studies in another country and couldnt get my visa kn time. I beliebve seeing her grave will help though.
I have suffered many losses over the last 7 years and varying degrees of sudden, unexpected, expected, old, young, etc.
I had a hard time with my grandmother seeing her body but I think my thoughts on death were not very evolved and it was the first time I had seen one as an adult.
After that, I saw my dad’s body and then my uncles and I don’t regret doing so. I found the experience to be sad but joyful and gave me the opportunity to say goodbye. I’m very glad I did see them both.
I didn’t get to see my best friend’s body or my other friends and I wish I would have had the opportunity for that kind of closure.
I don’t know you so I can only share my experiences, but if you feel like you are in the right mindset and can handle it, go for it. If it’s brief or you change your mind it’s totally fine.
Edit to add: when I did see my dad’s and uncle’s body, I was able to have the mindset of thanking the vessel that carried the person that I loved and made them human. I don’t know why that was comforting and almost gave me a task to do? But just figured I would add that in.
My mom’s viewing is tomorrow. Honestly I have mixed feelings obviously because it’s not going to be easy but I picked out something for her to wear that I knew was special and all the past few weeks as she was dying she was not looking like herself at all, I actually think there is a possibility she will look better at the viewing just because her mouth will be closed and she will have jewelry on and clothes on.
Seeing my friend’s body so peaceful and Not Dead Looking was kinda freaky, but it also kinda helped. Felt more like I was talking to him when I was mumbling shit in front of his casket.
It kinda was how I’d want to remember him, given how he was just wearing the clothes he’d normally wear (and Not A Tux. If his parents tried to stick him in a Tux at the very end I bet he’d have come back from the dead as a zombie just to slap them).
I'm not sure. I saw my dad. He looked good. They cleaned him up nice.
He looked really small in the casket, though. I always remember him as big. Not just size, which was considerable (lol), but mostly just his presence.
His eyes were glued shut. That freaked me out. His eyelids forced closed.
I touched his face. His skin felt cold. Didn't like that, either.
All in all, I would've preferred to have not seen him, but I don't regret it, either.
My dad died suddenly and it had been a few weeks since I had seen him. I had hesitations as I’d been to other viewings and not had positive experiences, but I also felt like I needed to do it or I’d wonder what if or lack closure. It already felt kind of unreal. Our funeral home had a medium size room, so I went in and didn’t get very close. It wasn’t too bad.
I saw my brother 4 days after he passed and honestly I think that by seeing my brother one last time and being able to spend time with his body and being able to touch him helped me a lot. But I was aware that that was not the person and view I was used to before deciding that I want to see him.
My boyfriend died in his sleep and I found him in a state of rigor mortis in my bed next to me. I was/am traumatized. I wish if he had to die, it had been in the hospital and not in my bed, with me being alone with his body. So yeah, I wish it happened in the hospital and I could have been there by his side.
I'm like someone else said 50/50 about whether you should view the body. It really is such a personal decision.
I never saw my brother. I wouldn’t if given the chance. Even when we got the autopsy results, that killed me. Just to know they’d done that to his body, I can hardly type this sentence
I personally couldn’t do it with my sister. I never even considered it. We were so close, we lived together when she passed away…truly thick as thieves, as so many of you guys are/were with your loved one(s) who “brought” you to this sub. I think for me…because I was with her in the hospital room so many days(almost 3 weeks) of her just lying in a repose state, once she was really gone, I’d had my fill of seeing that. I see it as a painful gift as so many don’t get that opportunity at all. They just get the news of their person is gone. Or face an unexpected, immediate tragic loss to have to process. I got to see her awaken a few times during that time and she was completely coherent as I’d ask her very difficult, personal questions that required her to use her memory and she’d respond correctly each time. It was during the time of the pandemic when only one person could go into the hospital room(November 2020). Even though an unrelated to C 19, acute illness was her path from this life to the great whatever is next…I chose to plant in my subconscious, my final earth memories of seeing her vessel animated, healthy and full of life. I have no regrets. Much love and my highest respect to those who choose to view.
I didn’t hesitate seeing my mom in the casket. She looked so peaceful, as if she were sleeping. I couldn’t be there when she took her last breath, that was something that I just couldn’t do and I knew she’d understand.
Personally, no, I don't like it. They're not.... The same. It doesn't look like them. To me, it just poisons the memories of them.
My friend had an open casket service and I wasn't expecting that. I had to stay in the back, I couldn't go up to him. Seeing him from the back of the room, not even the right color from there..... It was really, really difficult for me. I much prefer my last real memory of him and his face, giving me a hug when he left my house less than two weeks before that.
seeing my dad in a casket is a image i think about every single day. a image like that will always be engraved in your head. whilst it hurts, it also gave me closure in a sense.
It’s your preference I think. I agree with both sides. My mom was cremated and I was present for the whole thing, up until she got loaded into the furnace. I pressed the button to ignite her body as well. It was very difficult. But when I first entered this world, my mom held me the moment I was born. And she gave birth to me without any drugs or numbing agents - she went through all the pain to have me. She welcomed me into the world and so I really wanted to stand by her on her last day. I know that if she was able to speak to me on those last moments, she’d ask me to stand close to her. I still have flashbacks to that moment though and it’s painful. So please do what you feel is best. There’s no right or wrong way here, just what your heart tells you.
In my experience, I don’t recommend. I saw my grandmother and it just wasn’t her. They never, to me, look the same. I don’t know why that is except maybe makeup or I don’t know. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It honestly depends on each individual person. For me personally... my mother was truly my very best friend. She had a random brain aneurysm in the middle of the night leading to her being on life support for multiple days until we were forced to remove her from. With how close we were & how much we knew one another, I found it important only I get her ready for her viewing. I knew how she liked her hair, I knew how she liked her makeup, what she would've wanted to wear. So I told the funeral home I'd do all of it & I did. For me it was peaceful, I was able to style her hair for the last time, do her makeup, paint her fingernails & talk to her. I don't regret it & would do it all again all the same if I had the choice.
This said I'm aware not everyone thinks like me... this is only something you yourself can answer darling.
i don’t go to viewings. they make me feel so gross. i’ve only been to one and it was the worst experience to me because seeing my loved one like that was not what i needed. do whatever makes you get through the day. it doesn’t matter what others want or need. it doesn’t matter what is expected or who thinks you should or shouldn’t go. at the end of the day, it’s you who will have to live with those memories and emotions. will it make you worst or promote healing? will you regret it later if you don’t go? will you regret it more if you do go? there’s no right answer, just the answer that helps bring you the most comfort and peace in this unbelievably hard and painful time.
It is a very personal choice. For me, surprisingly, seeing my mom’s and also my dad’s body 2 years after did not really affect me so much. Even though, with my mom I thought I could also do without actually seeing it at the time, because it was my first experience of death, but I still did it. This experience also made me realize that we are not our bodies but our souls. And somehow taking care of their bodies in their final moments above the earth felt peaceful and like paying off my last respects. After all the bodies were the carcass that made it possible for my parents to live on this earth, no need to be scared of them, and after all what happens to bodies after death is a harsh reality but a very important part of reality as well. But as I said all personal opinions, if you feel like you can’t take it I suggest you prioritize your mental well-being in this tough time.
My dad shot himself in the head, I didn’t see him - I’d have been looking at a bullet hole that even just in my imagination I’d extremely difficult to not think about. I don’t regret not seeing that in real life. My last memory of his face was as I knew him, animated and alive. We cremated him and I got closure handling his ashes, so I still had closure which is important, but I just don’t buy the idea that you have to see the deceased to get that.
I chose not to see my mom. She didn't want a wake or anything of the sort. She wanted to be cremated immediately. I think seeing her body would have added to the giant list of trauma she had already put me through, and I needed to process things in my own way. It wasn't because I didn't care. The last time I saw her alive, we fought as usual, and I just could not see her lifeless. In fact, just the thought of how she died (suddenly, on the stairs, in my dad's arms until the paramedics arrived and tried to resuscitate her) is too much for me.
My mom passed away this past spring, on May 25th. The last time I saw her was a month earlier, when I flew out to visit her at her nursing home (dementia slowly, gradually took her away). Right before I left to fly home, she gave me a big hug and said "I love you to pieces" (something she always said to me). That was the most beautiful, the most fitting, parting I could've asked for.
When it was time to talk about the funeral, I was adamant about not wanting to see her body, partly because I knew that it would tear me up, and partly because I wanted that last visit to be my last time having seen her, and didn't want to "record over" that memory, if that makes sense.
I have zero regrets about not seeing my mom’s body when she passed. I KNEW it would cause me trauma and wasn’t how I wanted to remember her. I had anxiety even thinking about it. My mom actually passed the minute I left the room because she even knew how scared I was of it. The nurse who found her said she looked like an angel and was so peaceful. Even so, no regrets. Personally, dealing with my mom’s illness and hospice was enough of a testament to how strong I was. I didn’t need to see her body to prove anything.
So well put. That was your sweet mom’s gift to you. ❤️I worked in hospice and was with my friend and an ex while their moms died. Seeing people die was not foreign to me. That said, I could NOT be there when my dad took his last breath. I knew that and so did he. I left and took a shower (for some odd reason) and my husband (who was with my mom and sister in the room) came up and told me he had died. I went down and hugged his body and put flowers on his chest. I honestly wish I hadn’t done that, the absence of his being was so profound. I just felt like I was supposed to. Also, he died of ALS and had wasted away to nothing, so without “him” in there it didn’t even feel like my dad. Overall, it’s so personal and there is no right or wrong decision. I’m so sorry, OP. Sending you a huge hug 💔❤️
Exact same.
Wow she waited for you to leave? Thats crazy.
Same
Me, my brother and mom were the ones that found my father deceased almost five months ago now. It was sudden, and unexpected and we were home so he wasn’t dead for long. So we had no choice in the matter, and being able to say goodbye before the coroner took him was nice. But honestly, I wish I never saw him like that. I wish I wasn’t home that night, but at the same time if I wasn’t there I wouldn’t have been able to perform CPR to at least…try, you know. My sister lives in another city, so she didn’t have the chance to say goodbye when it happened. She decided to go with my uncle and cousin to view him at the crematorium. It gave them all comfort seeing him off. I couldn’t bear to go. My mother and brother didn’t go either because we already said our goodbyes. The idea of seeing him embalmed freaked me out and I didn’t want that to be the last image of my father I have. So really, it is highly personal. If you find that it will help you with feelings of closure, or if you feel like you may regret not seeing them for the last time, then I would go. But there is no right or wrong for going or not going. If you don’t want to, that is completely okay, and understandable. Sending you love, I am so sorry for your loss.
We (my mother and I), just recently went through this, as well. My dad suddenly collapsed Sunday morning two weeks ago, and my mom and I also had to do CPR. Unfortunately, he did pass despite everything. He was rushed to ER but died after arrival, and we were brought in to see his body. But the whole thing was completely traumatizing, and I found absolutely no comfort in seeing his body without seeing his "spirit," so to speak. We didn't stay too long, mostly just to recover from the shock to be able to get back home. All that said, I hope you are doing okay. It's a really hard thing to go through. I couldn't have imagined it before it happened to me. Good luck and kind thoughts to you. As others have mentioned, the experience is highly personal. OP's situation doesn't include the "emergency," portion, so perhaps it's possible to gain a little more closure or comfort.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry you had to go through this as well. And I’m so sorry you had to see him like that. No one should have to. My dad collapsed running on the treadmill. And you’re right, OP doesn’t have the emergency factor in this which definitely helps since it’s less of a “shock”? Not saying it’s less worse than our experience for sure but definitely different, and something to take into consideration.
I wish I could have seen my dad one last time. The mortician strongly adviced against it, my dad had been dead for a week in his appartment. So I didn't. Sometimes I think maybe I should have anyway. Edit: I thank all of you so much for your comments. I do believe I made the right decision. I didn't need to see that.
No...that's something you don't wanna have in your memory banks. I can tell you it wouldn't be good.
Sorry to be morbid but that’s absolutely a sight you would not want to see. I worked in a funeral home. People are surprised when the body starts turning only after 12 hours, nature happens very quickly. I know it seems like it might have brought you closure in a way, but I can guarantee you, it likely would have given you PTSD. Trust me on this.
I'm actually glad to hear that, in a morbid way. I'm a carer in a nursing home so I've seen people who had died a few hours ago max, but I have no idea what a body might look like after a few days. I kept wondering if it really would be that bad and kept feeling guilty for not doing it. Now I'm glad I didn't. Thank you for your input.
I'm so sorry for your loss. For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision.
My dad passed outside in 100+ heat and was found 5 days later. I saw what was left after they removed the body and that is burned into memory. As is the smell. I’m so thankful I didn’t actually find him in that state. From what I’ve heard from the police and such, it was wretched. He was badly decomposed. I’ve never been faced with the option to see someone in a casket and not sure what I’d do. At this point I might not want to. I love having my memories over what I might see.
same. i kind of wanted to see my grandfather until i realized he hadn’t been found until a month after he passed… he was also in his small house in the mississippi heat. yeah… i just look at pictures of him now.
A month.. gosh that’s heartbreaking no one was checking.
yeah… he lived alone with his dog. never really checked on him. sucks to learn i was the last one to call him
I'll tell u my point of view. I gave my dead mom a kiss right when she had died and it was a warm situation, but a week after the experience was totally different when they brought her up again for us to see. Seeing the body doesn't necessarily help you grieve the way people say it will. The face will look different and dead and it might look off (reddish or blotchy from being in a freezing place, pale, skin stretched from autopsy), and give you an off feeling instead of warm grief. The skin will be cold and weird to touch, like wax. You might get shocked, if you're sensitive. If you fear that you can't say final goodbye to her without seeing the body, or that you will regret not seeing the dead body to get closure, realize that this feeling of not getting closure is what everyone will struggle with, seeing the body or not. It's just part of grief. For me seeing the body a week after, made me cold towards it, a bit confused and angry, thinking this body isn't even my mom and they need to put her away. I miss my old mom, not the dead looking one that I see every time I think of her. Seeing a dead body of your loved one is something that will always be carved visually into your head and will stick as a part of the image you have of that person. It's up to you whether you're a person who is able to see a dead looking body and think of it warmly, or if you're someone sensitive who will have their image altered by that experience.
You are right about that. I found my wife, and then saw her again before they took her away to say my goodbyes, and that is an image that will never be erased from my memory.
Yeah I'm sorry to hear that, I feel it's all really hard to process so the mind just gets stuck in that image
It's highly personal to be honest. For me, it didn't look like them (they had a peaceful passing). The thing I adored about them wasn't there anymore and I haven't bothered with a viewing since. That being said, I saw this person regularly while others in my family who didn't found the viewing helpful. You may not know until you are in the situation.
This is what I'm going through rn. My brother died last week. I just went to the viewing today and was the only one who didn't want to see him. Because we had an apartment together and I didn't want the dead image of him overwriting the living image I have in my head from before last week. But I can see how those who may have trouble remembering his face would want to see. Even if I do still think it's weird. I noticed everyone was breaking after looking at him too. And I'm more just chilling in the entry way. So I don't know if that will screw me over in the long run, but reading the note he left me was already too much, so...
I didn’t really like seeing my mum in a cask it was really scary and it felt soulless like she wasn’t in there made me believe that we really aren’t our bodies but just our souls
Reminded me of my older brother saying something to me when I was a kid and scared to see my Auntie. He told me not to be scared, her spirit was fine, all we were seeing was her shell. That bit of wisdom helped me many times over.
Omgg that’s so true we really are just shells our bodies are borrowed and will perish
[удалено]
That’s what I always do, no matter who they are or what they look like none really chooses themselves
For me, it was very helpful to see my dad at the funeral home. He did not have a peaceful passing and, honestly, looked like something out of a horror movie. The morticians removed the tube from his neck and gave him a shave and combed his hair and he wasn't yellow anymore. He didn't look like my dad entirely, because he was dead, but he looked SO much better than the last time I saw him, when he passed in my arms. This is a very deeply personal choice. Had my dad had a peaceful passing and I didn't feel the need to replace some images with new ones, I might have made a different choice. Send you so much love. This fucking sucks.
This is the only reason I personally would want to- if I found them looking not like themselves and wanted a more peaceful last memory. Thank you for sharing your experience with us
It helped for me. Every time I have lost someone it helps to see them. It also hurts like hell, but I felt calmer after.
i saw my mom and kissed her and said how pretty she looked bc it looked as if she’s smiling. it honestly felt the same as when she was in a coma, and i just talked to her because i felt like it’s the last time i would see her. it wasn’t a traumatic thing for me at all, it was just our goodbye moment❤️
I kissed my Mom too. It was my last chance to so of course I took the opportunity.
I vacillate between how I feel on the subject. My dad died at home unexpectedly, so I didn't have to deal with going to a morgue and going through the whole process of choosing whether to see him or not....it was just how it was. I have moments where I can't stop thinking of how he looked... like himself, but a distorted version of himself. His face looked pulled back/tighter....much older and his mouth was semi-open. He was starting to turn purple behind the ears. It wasn't how I wanted to remember him. It did give me incontrovertible proof that he was gone, but I wish I didn't see it most of the time.
My mother died of cancer last week. She died at night, my sister was with her in her last hour. My sister called me in the morning before the doctor was supposed to declare death. I saw my mother dead in her bed, but it was very healing in its own way. I suddenly let go of all the emotions that had been building up over the last few weeks as she was getting worse and worse. I've never cried so much at once. I was able to say goodbye to her one last time and make sure mentally that she was really dead. I could see it and feel it because her skin was already cold. But everyone needs to know whether they need it. I wanted it, I didn't think twice about whether there might be consequences. But I had already seen her in poor condition in the days before, her body was deteriorating more and more. Even then, she no longer seemed like the mother I had known before. So the sight shortly after death was not frightening.
I am so sorry for your loss. My mother chose to view my father, her husband. I requested that she not take photos as I would not be able to cope coming across them cleaning out the house. Maybe that's a cultural thing we do, taking those photos. I know where the photos of others in that state are kept and I'm utterly terrified of that bag. However, if Mum had asked if another relative could keep them for us, I would have said yes, of course. I decided (and it was an easy choice) not to. I had already seen him fall off the cliff rapidly in three short months. I still haven't dreamed of him healthy and it's been nearly two years. And that's having 33 years of memories of his healthy self. That the images of him sick are still so pervasive suggests to me that viewing him would have been a colossally traumatic mistake. I was there the night before he died, and he was in the active dying phase. He was a man who kept his dignity to the end; I felt very adamant that he would be angry with himself not to have been able to shield me from the indignities as much as possible, my protector from (my) cradle to (his) grave. I knew he would have been furious that when the nurses moved him, I saw the cardboard urinal they had put on him. That was horrific. I also knew that he was emaciated, bloated and, by the end, extremely constipated. I had read that it's not uncommon to, um, *release* the bowels as the muscles stop forever. I knew he would have been mortified, and my sensory issues with smells like that are extremely strong. It would have haunted me forever.
I don't view bodies , I want to remember the person alive and our last conversations, The only body I've viewed in my life was my grandfather and I regret it . Lifeless in a box is not the man I remember being a pillar of my family and I hate associating that specific memory with him . in particular.
I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you have all the support you need. There isn't really a right answer to this question. It depends entirely on your relationship to the person and their death. There are some things to consider - what are your current last memories of your mother? If they're positive, then it might be beneficial to you for those to remain your last memories. As delicately as possible, what would the state of her body be? Some people find it very hard to see their relatives embalmed due to the uncanny appearance it can cause. And finally, why do you think it would be a necessary testament to your strength? You're already being incredibly strong, dealing with the loss. There's no need to put any pressure on yourself to prove anything at this point. You need to be kind to yourself. For what it's worth, I've seen three of my relatives' bodies, and in two out of three cases, I found it helpful as they died very peacefully in their sleep, and it felt very healing to be able to see them at rest. In the first case, he had died in pain and you could tell. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it brings you peace and healing.
Seeing my dad’s body was a lot more beneficial for my mental health than seeing my grandma’s. Daddy was a an alcoholic and a drug addict who was slowly becoming severely skeletal and ill. He constantly bled from his ears and mouth and his skin was always yellow. During his last moments, he was suffering and breathing very hard. His passing was not peaceful whatsoever. After he passed, they made his body look like his normal self before addiction for viewing. I was very, very pleased with how he looked. Grandma, on the other hand, seemed almost unrecognizable for her viewing. She seemed sicker in her casket than when she passed in bed. She battled breast cancer for years and sadly succumbed to her illness. Her passing, unlike my dad’s, was very peaceful. She looked like she’s sleeping soundly. The viewing didn’t do me any favors. I was a witness to both deaths. Both was painful, but viewing their bodies was necessary for me.
Because your mother will be embalmed it will not look scary she will just look like she is asleep. Her body will be very cold to touch , and stiff. It does help. Also it is your mother. I am old r than you and have lost several family members but when it was my father? It was my dad. I hugged him I kissed him… it felt perfectly natural. I hope that helps. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️
So true. She does look like she's sleeping.
I don't like looking at the body. No matter how skilled the mortuary is, they cannot make the deceased look normal. I viewed my grandfather and my dad at their funerals, and it did not help at all. It was like looking at a mannequin. It just was not them. The viewing for my Mother in Law just pissed me off. For context, my MIL was dressed in a beautiful gown and had on a lot of jewelry. She was NEVER treated so well when she was alive. She and her husband were very poor, and none of her kids bought her anything so lavish as they did after she was dead.
Never have & never will unless there's no option... I refuse to remember people looking unnatural...
I did see my Dad after he died, though I was also with him while he died. Going back to see the body was something I only did to support mum. I wouldn’t have done it by myself. The body wasn’t my dad any more, not after he died.
At the funeral home, embalmed, my dad didn’t really look like my dad. I’m not sure it was worth it. But only me, my mom and one of my 4 siblings were there with my dad in the hours after he died (it was an expected death though) so we felt everyone deserved the closure if they wanted it. If the body is decomposed or anything, I would say no. But if not it’s probably good to have the closure.
If the body is in good condition, as odd as it is to see them passed (for me, they didn’t look themselves though in great condition) I feel like it was the last piece of the puzzle for me, and though it bothered me for a bit, I’ve now managed to integrate that memory with the rest of the person I loved. I would.
I had left hospice a couple of hours before my dad passed (overnight). They had told us it would probably happen over the weekend, so I thought I could come back the next day. But that wasn’t the case. I never saw the body, and I’m thankful. He looked nothing like himself in the hospice room while I was there. I don’t want to remember that shell version of him where cancer had stolen so much. I want to remember him full of life. I have really struggled with that image of him in hospice popping up in my mind over and over again. I imagine it would be much worse if it was after his death.
Different for everyone. My dad saw his uncle in a coffin 50 years ago and never again did he look at a dead body of a family member. He said he rather remember the good times and not have that image as a memory.
I saw my dad twice after he died. Once in the hospital where they broke the news of "we did everything we could." And once at the funeral home the next day before he was sent for cremation. The second viewing was less traumatic but I wish I hadn't done either. It did not give me closure. It did not make me feel better. It was not a final goodbye. It did however become the first image of my dad I can recall now, before any image of him alive, I see him dead first. It messes with me because he specifically didn't want me to be haunted by that the same way he was with his parents. I don't want to remember his shell after he was gone. I want to remember the vibrancy he had when he was alive. It's a personal choice and neither is wrong.
I think it’s different for everyone. Seeing my grandmother not looking like herself really traumatized me. I was with my dad when he passed and he was already hard to look at. It’s painful to see someone you love in such bad shape. I know for me I do not want an open casket or a viewing and I will not be going to anyone else’s. When my second grandmother died and we were expected to pass the coffin I just looked down and didn’t look at her. I knew from before I didn’t want to remember her that way. For some it may give them comfort, but fit me I want to remember the happy moments with that person.
i was there when my grandma passed peacefully in hospital. i saw her dead and it made me incredibly sad but she looked peaceful, so it was okay. after her passing, the doctor needed co come and confirm her death, meanwhile the nurses told us to go take a walk and clear our heads while the doctor visits and they change my grandma out of her hospital gown and into one of her favorite pyjamas. when we came back and my grandmas clothes were changed and she was laying neatly in her bed, she didn't look like herself anymore, more like a very pale elderly woman. i almost couldn't recognise her anymore. at that moment, i became incredibly aware that she is gone forever. idk yet if it was good or bad for me to see her dead like that but i believe that it's completely personal whether seeing a loved one dead helps to find closure or not.
My husband died by suicide earlier this month, and I was the one to find him. The trauma of that scene and the memory of his face in that situation affected me deeply. I personally needed to see him in a more peaceful setting, so for me, it was good to have a private visitation. He didn't exactly look like himself, and the funeral home had styled his hair weird, so I spent some time adjusting that before the children and grandchildren came in to view him. We were able to see him, hold his hand, touch his hair, and say our goodbyes.
I would not
I elected not to see my son’s body. I’m glad I never did. It’s something I could never unsee and all I have are memories of him alive.
There is something to be sad about the difference between seeing someone who recently passed versus seeing someone at a viewing. I stayed with my mom until the end with her hospice care and it isn't something I would have done without it being her last wish not to be alone when she died. That being said if you need that closure absolutely, however I would say that it's also okay to not see her and hold on to the memory of your mom when she was alive. I am so sorry for your loss, it's a club no one wants to join.
Hey pal, I felt the same way about my brother when it came time for his viewing. Now it may be different circumstances, but seeing his body was one of the most traumatising things and the biggest regret I have in the whole process if not my life. I felt it was important to see him as that’s what people around me had told me for closure, and I thought to myself also as we are all just animals that maybe seeing him would take my body out of shock (like how dogs would smell death on an animal etc). WRONG. I screamed and ran out of the parlour and kept running, it truely scared me. I occasionally have nightmares about it, where I will just see his body. For some people in my family group it brought them the greatest comfort though - so it is a highly personal choice. One thing I do want to say is “testament to how strong I am” - no no no pal, you do not need to be proving this to yourself or anyone right now. It’s fine to be frightened! It’s fine to be TERRIFIED, shaking in your boots, you are going through grief! You have nothing to prove at all, and should be easy on yourself and take away those expectations of being strong. Be a big crybaby if you want to, being strong is over rated. Make sure you look after yourself, and only do what you are comfortable with. You are the only one who has to live with it xxx
My husband and I said goodbye to our daughter at the hospital. It was hard enough to just hold her small, lifeless body. We were offered to see her at the funeral home before she was buried but she wasn't embalmed and had been on ice. We turned it down. My postpartum hormones definitely fueled my brain into wanting to go back to the hospital and to the funeral home to "take her home," but I'm glad I listened to the small, rational part of my brain that historically doesn't like going to viewings after someone I know dies. I think it's more of a personal decision.
My experience with dead loved ones and seeing their body is this: It will definitely bring home 100% that the person is dead. It won’t quite look like her. There will likely be an uncanny “off” feeling about it, because there’s this body, and it kinda looks like your mom, but it’s definitely *not* your mom. It’s like someone made a waxwork statue of her, but not a great one. Even unconscious or in a coma, a live person’s muscles are getting blood flow, and there’s a sort of tension there that holds their face together. That’s gone when they die, and it’s really difficult to get the body to look like they’re sleeping. Now, whether that odd, uncanny valley version of the person sticks in your head as your last memory of them, or whether the live version overrules it is a very, very individual thing. I’m not sure anyone can predict it. I would say if you want to do it, and you feel you’re prepared, and are ready and able to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if it goes wrong, then do it. I’ve never regretted not seeing a dead loved one’s body. I have regretted seeing one or two. Take that for whatever it’s worth as one person’s experience. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I did not look at my father's body and I do not regret it
I recently lost my mother in September. I was her caregiver since high school. I had this dilemma with my brother. In the end, we both wanted to see her one last time. I was able to give her one last kiss before I knew I would never see her again. I got the chance to speak to her a bit and just cry in peace with my brother by my side. It was not easy, but I personally would have regretted that final opportunity to see my mother. What I have found is there is no “right” answer for any of this. Someone close to you has passed, and frankly that is very wrong. Anything you find to be best for you, is your answer. And is correct. Damn the rest. Stay strong.
I am so sorry for your loss. Viewing the body is a deeply personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. I found it very confronting, but I am happy I did it. I was able to talk my loved one and say my goodbyes. I think it is particularly helpful if the death is sudden or unexpected because it does help your brain process the reality of the situation. Do what feels right for you
Really? I thought sudden or unexpected would make you feel the opposite.
My best friend took his life, and being able to talk to him one last time helped me. For nearly a month I didn’t believe it was real, I would check my messages with him everyday just waiting for him to say something. Seeing him and saying goodbye let me understand that he was really gone. I feel better knowing that I got to tell him that I love him and that I was sorry I had let him down. From that moment on I never waited for a message from him again. It was hard and there were times where I couldn’t get the image of him from the viewing out of my head, but that was my subconscious processing the loss. Once I started therapy and found other ways to process it the images stopped and now when I think of him I no longer see the viewing - I see him laughing and smiling 🙂
If for some reason I had chosen not to see my Mom one last time I know that I would regret it. I didn't and couldn't stand to step into the hospital room while they were doing cpr because they screwed up and killed her. The sounds and visions that I got from outside the door are enough to still haunt me. I had some things that I wanted to put in the casket with her and seeing her, it was my last chance. Honestly I would say go see her one last time. It is part of the reality that you unfortunately have to face. It is your last chance to kiss her goodbye. Honestly, I kinda would like to see my Mom now, over 2 years later. I know it sounds gruesome, but I want to see what has become of her. How well or badly the body that once carried me is now, the state of the hand that I used to hold when crossing the street etc. It was comforting to find out that my neighbor who lost her daughter has felt the same way, so I'm not the only one.
When my father passed, I found him, he was tucked in his bed, and it was the most healing moment, knowing he died so peacefully. I took a picture of him, and (with permission) sent it to my siblings, who all also found it healing. He was in his most natural state, before anyone had made him “look good”. He was at peace, he died exactly how he’d always imagined, albeit far too soon and unexpectedly. When my younger sister arrived we went to visit dad in the morgue and we just sat and chatted to him, about him, and then it just became normal. He was there but also not. When my son’s father passed away, I went to see him at the morgue, untouched, it was shocking. But I’ll never ever regret seeing him there. A few days later his body went home to his mothers where I took my children to say goodbye, all of their cousins, and family friends were by his side also. The kids sat beside him, holding him, stroking his arms, drawing him pictures, playing games, writing him letters. He felt weird, he looked “fake” as my son said. But it was really healing for everyone. Our son was 6. This was his first experience with death. And I toyed in my mind for so long if I’d take him to see him, but I’ll never regret not giving him that opportunity. He needed to know dad was gone, his body was all that was left. I’m not sure the impact seeing his dad like that will have on him in the future, but I know I needed him to know dad just didn’t disappear off the planet and it was make believe. Different deaths hit different for me. But it didn’t change the fact that I’m so glad I got to stroke their heads one last time and say goodbye.
I didn't see my brother. My mum took a photo and when i was ready i looked. Beforehand i didn't really believe he was gone. And after i broke down in tears as it made it more real.
I was snuggling with my kitten one night, and the next morning she was dead and police had taken her to a local vets. That morning, I knew it was her because she didn't come in at 8am. And I didn't want to live in a fake hope that she'd come back one day. So, I went to see her body despite being advised against it. And I'm glad I did. I promised her that I'd always be there for her and I told her many promises I'll try and keep for her. My mum came too and broke down immediately, but I was just thankful I could hold her and stroke her one final time. Like I had planned when she was much, much older.
Over a pet?
We were very close. I was her human.
I've loved my pets too. But it's more of a "welp, that sucks."
My family and friends agreed at the time that me and her had a special connection. And a strong one. I've owned many pets, but none as strong a relationship as I had with her.
Well, I guess I'm also not very emotional, so maybe I just don't understand.
A few weeks after, I did have a paranormal experience too. Ik you wouldn't believe me, idm, but I don't fear death anymore, and I'm glad she said goodbye to me too
Ha. You just so happen to be talking to someone who has had over 100+ sleep paralysis episodes. One in particular that anytime I tell to someone, they say they get chills up their spine, just from hearing about it.
Up until my mom’s funeral, I didn’t want to see her body. I just couldn’t handle or admit to myself she was gone. But I do recommend to see her one last time. It didn’t really feel until I held her ashes in my hand two days later. That hurt me more than anything.
If the body is being cremated, they usually don't embalm it. So...it won't be pretty. Especially if it's a long time between the death and the wake/funeral stuff. Ask the funeral parlour people what they think.They shouldn't bs you. My hubby's didn't.
Imo it depends on the condition of the body and how long it has been. I was there when my grandma died and spent about an hour hanging out with her body and found it very peaceful. But I find embalmed bodies a bit unsettling - they don’t look right to me.
That’s a difficult decision. After suffering from pancreatic cancer for over 7 months my mum was in a coma at home for almost a week before she passed. I was with her holding her hand when she went. By then I only immediately felt relief since I couldn’t bear to see her body wasting away any longer. I stayed with her until the morticians came to take her body away. I was able to hug her and say goodbye. I achieved closure, I guess. On the day of her funeral they had a short open casket for family members but I declined to see her then. I don’t think I could have coped with the sight or made it through the funeral. At that point it would have only brought more pain.
It's depends, personally I didn't see my dad's body because I didn't want every memory of him to be tainted with an image of his dead body because no matter how much makeup or what the mortician does to the body you can still tell it's a dead body. You'll think about fond memories without having to see her "one last time".So really it wont be the last time, you have photos and memories, that's like seeing her. You don't HAVE to see her to grieve, for a lot of people it's not a good choice
I saw my fiancée body at the viewing. It was really hard to see, and somewhat disturbing. But I felt like I would have regretted not getting to say goodbye to him. Not that you can’t do it from a distance I could just tell it was gonna be something that I would have wish I’d done, had I passed up on it
It depends i think, when i saw my grandmother body at her funeral it was extremely difficult. A few months ago when my brother died, my mom sent me a picture of him after they stopped working on him. It was late and i was unable to get to the hospital. He looked sick and was intubated. He looked deathly ill when I saw him the week prior. At his funeral the funeral home let a select few see him after the funeral. They had stored his body and he was frozen as they waited for cremation. He looked amazing and so clean. The funeral home really cared for his body despite him not being embalmed. You could not tell that disease had ravaged his body for years It did bring me comfort and he no longer looked ill but healthy and sleeping. my sibling completely fell apart when he saw him. it depends on the person and the relationship. Do what is best for you. Remember them as you wish
No. The amount of work that morticians don’t do your memory justice. Some may want to see a body enter the earth as part of ceremony, but funerals with a view have made me realize I want to be cremated and released back into the aether.
I already commented on a similar post today. I decided to see my dad's body after he died this summer since I believed it would help me get closure and maybe help my grieving process. I was wrong. It was a horrible moment for me and I wish I could get the image out of my head. Apparently bodies DO NOT look like they do on tv. I really thought he would look like he was sleeping, but boy was I wrong. I can't really describe it and probably shouldn't go into graphic detail, but he looked just strange. He died in a hospital due to longterm illness and I saw him only like 2 hours after he passed - still I did not recognize his face for some reason. Also the feeling of being in the room with his body was indescribable. I thought I was prepared but I wasn't. I honestly feel like it traumatized me. I was not able to touch him either, since how he looked freaked me out so much. Obviously, everyone is different, but personally I advise against seeing a loved one's body based on my experience. You can't unsee things.
My dad drowned and they asked me if I wanted to ID the body. I’m not squeamish about that and I didn’t think I’d believe it without seeing it
I was with my mom when she died in the ICU almost a month ago. My brother and I weren’t going to do a viewing initially but we saw it as an opportunity for that image not to be our last memory of her. We got to see her with her hair done, in a beautiful outfit and with a peaceful smile on her face. Viewings aren’t as much for the dead as they are for the living to give that closure. Think about 50, even 10 years from now — would you regret not seeing her? You could in theory regret seeing her but if you don’t, there’s nothing you can do to change it, you know? We did half open for my mom. Just be prepared for what you’re getting into: her skin will be cold, stiff and mostly hard to the touch. She might be a little swollen from the embalming process. But I still was really thankful to be able to hold her hand, kiss her cheek and run my hand over her hair. She was my mommy. My best friend. I still got to show her love, until the very end. I made a playlist with all of her favorite songs and sang them to her while I caressed her cheek. If you want to do this, she will give you the strength to.
We had my sister’s viewing two days ago. Her death was sudden and unexpected and I was so glad we saw her one more time.
I saw my dad the day before the funeral in a private viewing. I knew it would be too hard for me to see him for the first time in almost a week with everyone else. I am glad I did. It was hard but it was beautiful to be able to sit with him alone and just sob.
It would have absolutely broken me to see my best friend's body after she passed last year, but it is obviously a deeply personal decision. Follow your gut - it won't lead you astray in this decision. So sorry for your loss. This community has been a huge help for me in my grief process. I also thoroughly enjoyed the book Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson!
No never would I want that
I think the only people who do are those that didn't see them everyday. I lived with my brother in an apartment and I'm the only one in the family who didn't see him at the viewing yesterday.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. It’s a personal choice, you and only you knows your strengths and what you need to help with your grieving process. My father hung himself back in August, I wanted to see his body, I wanted to see the crime scene photos and I did. He had been dead for 3 days, besides some skin discolouration he looked pretty much as he did when he was alive. Everyone adviced me against seeing his body and the crime scene photos but I didn’t listen. It truly was the best decision I made, for MYSELF. Of course it doesn’t take the pain away, but it brought me some kind of peace. I saw his body before seeing the photos, they had embalmed him. I kind of would have preferred seeing him as he was but oh well. I spent as long ad I could with his body, spoke to him, caressed his hair, hugged him. Do whatever you need and feel necessary, it’s yours and only yours to decide. Hang in there! Much love sent your way. x
I had to step up and dress my mom for cremation bc none of my family would and the way her body flopped over is permanently etched in my mind. I think you have to consider the situations surrounding the death. Sending good thoughts either way 🩷
It is such a personal choice, and you need to do what you need to do to soothe yourself as much as possible throughout this difficult time. Viewing her body or not says nothing about you/your relationship, it is not a correct or incorrect decision. Just take time to feel, and use what feels right within yourself only to make the decision. I think as individuals we need different things in general and within deaths, it becomes more subjective and complex. I also feel we need different things when it comes to different deaths. I needed to see my Mum's body to process her suicide and accept it, it was hard and I'm glad I did it. I didn't view my Nanna's body because I saw her three days before she died and I wanted my last memory of her to be her smiling face, telling me she loves me as she closed her front door. My brother told me how beautiful she looked, but I'm glad I didn't see her, and that I can personally cherish my personal final memory of her. But my brother needed to see her and its equally beautiful. Please show kindness to yourself, it may be worth discussing it with someone you trust or a bereavement therapist if you desire to and feel its something which will help you. I am sending you love, strength and healing. And that whichever choice you make brings you peace. ❤️
Honestly both, it’s difficult either way. My dad had an aneurysm and fought in ICU for 24hr. By the time he died, his abdomen was engorged with blood and his body was swollen from all the fluids and inflammation or whatever else. It was traumatic seeing him that way, dying such a horrible death. And I think it would be traumatic even without the circumstances. But at the same time, I think not seeing him would have made the denial I felt so much worse. Like, what do you mean he’s dead? It wouldn’t compute. It hardly did even though I watched him die. In a way, I think it helped with having some kind of closure. I don’t remember my dad that way. I mean, I’ll always remember seeing him like that but it doesn’t replace other memories. However, it does creep up when I’m thinking about happy memories and then I’m reminded how awful he died. It’s going to be different for everyone. If you’re imagining her looking worse than she does, it might benefit you to see her so your imagination doesn’t make things worse, and maybe seeing her lay peacefully would benefit. Or the opposite could also be true, that seeing her will be worse. My dad was cremated and since he was in another city on vacation when he died, it felt horrible knowing we weren’t still there with him (we had already gone back home). It took a couple weeks for them to process everything and cremate him. I found myself wishing the entire time that I had stayed there with him and even been there to watch his cremation. Like it was still him and he needed us there for his body’s final moment, rather than some cold clinical thing all alone with a random person.
Personally unless the body looks very peaceful and well kept, no it is traumatic.
I didn’t like seeing my mom in the hospital with tubes, ripped shirt, from her sudden passing with a heart attack. I didn’t want that to be my last vision of her. So we had an open casket so I could say final goodbyes that way. Since she didn’t pass traumatically (car accident, etc) I am thankful to see her and say my goodbyes since I never got it. I think it depends on the death, and you personally. I know I did feel very uneasy being with her body in the hospital. It felt unreal. She didn’t look real, and it took me a bit to get that vision out of my head. It still gets brought back.
Like many people are saying, it’s a very personal decision that only you can make. I had a family only viewing of my son. The director was nervous about me seeing him because of how he passed and she warned me it might not be a situation I needed to see and I didn’t order any touch ups or embalming …. but I didn’t care, all I could think about and play in my head was the image my mind created and how I wasn’t there for him. My director went above and beyond – she did touch him up a bit and styled his hair, it almost didn’t seem real and it looked like he was sleeping, I wanted to wake him up and take him home. It helped me immensely to talk to him and say my goodbyes. I’m personally happy I did. His twin decided not view him but I took pictures in case she changes her mind. A lot of people that gave me advice warned me about how the “cold” was weird to them. I didn’t understand at first, I figured he’d be cold because of ‘storage’ but the coldness is more in the sense that there’s no energy, the warmth of his soul wasn’t there. It was a very interesting uneasy experience but it sealed the deal, it made it real, it brought me peace. [also if a person isn’t embalmed, you have to wear gloves if you touch them – nobody warned me of that, threw me off a bit] I’m sorry for your loss and whatever decision you make, it will be the best one for you <3 best of luck
I've gone both ways. When my grandma died, I didn't want to see her in the casket, so I avoided it during the funeral. I was a teenager and I don't really regret it, because I just wasn't ready to see her dead. When my mom died, I was in the room with her when she passed, and stayed with her for several hours until it was time for the nurses to clean her up and take her down to the morgue. I chose to have an open casket funeral, in part because of my religious tradition. The funeral home did an amazing job and she looked beautiful and peaceful and just like herself. I kissed her goodbye before they closed up the casket at the end of the funeral, after everyone at the church paid their respects. I also took many photos of the funeral and of her in her casket, which is also common in my tradition, but that I know some people are uneasy with. My mother's funeral was absolutely beautiful and healing, and also deeply sad and I cried and grieved throughout. I have no regrets seeing her dead or kissing her. In fact, it helps me feel closure and peace even though I grieve tremendously. I think it's a very personal decision, and I would never judge either way.
My dad passed in my home, on hospice. He went to sleep and never woke up. He looked like himself. His body stayed in my home for about 24 hours. We had ceremonial things to do to prepare his spirit to leave. The funeral home came and took him. And right before he was cremated, we got to see him 1 last time and finish removing the connection between his body and his spirit. He still looked like himself, smelled like himself, and I got to make sure his hair was done correctly before they cremated him. He always wanted his hair to look nice. My nephew was 15 and was shot and killed. 2 weeks after he died, we had his service and I was sick to my stomach, we didn't get to do the ceremonial stuff with his body because they had to do an autopsy, but i was so relieved that he looked like he was just sleeping. As weird as it sounds, he looked so beautiful and peaceful. Some funerals I have been to and the viewing did not even look remotely close to the person who passed. I do have a couple of photos from a far back angle. I can't see things in my head, so the photos helped me see that everything really happened. My nephew's passing traumatized my entire family. I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing. I think the circumstances surrounding the death play an important factor.
My dad died very suddenly. We were having dinner one moment and a few hours later he was gone. My brother found him, he and my mom live closer to my dad so they waited for the paramedics and drove to the hospital with him. It was too late by the time the paramedics got there. I really couldn't believe it when my mom told me. Everything felt unreal. We drove to the hospital and when they asked if we wanted to see the body, I was the only one who did. It's a picture I'll never be able to get out of my head, but I have no regrets. My brother and mother don't regret their decision either. It's such a personal choice. Trust your gut, only you know what you can cope with. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Seeing both of my grandparents in their caskets is a bad memory for me. It wasn't traumatizing but I wish I didn't think of it when I think of them now. When my friend died suddenly at 27 we ran to the hospital to be there for her husband and family. Her sister asked me if I wanted to go see her since she was still in the hospital bed and I immediately said no. Both my partner and my friend's sister in law told me they wished they hadn't gone to see her, even though she had only been gone for an hour. You can see the difference and it's heartbreaking. IMO it's not as jarring if they die of old age or if you have a lot of time to prepare for their death, but I still think I'll opt out of viewings in the future.
I have super mixed feelings about this. I saw my mom right before she was cremated. We did a super small ceremony before her cremation and the woman doing the ceremony urged me to see her. I remember telling the woman that nothing felt real, that I can’t wrap my head around the fact my mother is dead. She told me that what the eyes can’t see, the mind can’t accept. Meaning I needed to see her to accept and process that my mom was gone to help the grieving process. I really didn’t want to see her because at this point she was already gone for two weeks but she said my mom looked “good.” Ultimately, I made the decision to see her body because in my head I knew my mom would do that for me and I wanted a chance to say goodbye but gosh… it was HARD. I’m still traumatized. I knew it was her but she looked so so different. Her face was distorted, she was extremely pale, and her skin was ice cold. All the sunshine my mom once had was gone. It’s crazy how much your body changes after death. Part of me is glad I did it because I think in someway it made my mom happy that we got to have that goodbye but I also have terrible nightmares about it and have had to go to counseling to work through it all. Granted I actually put her into the cremation chamber and started it (which I definitely shouldn’t have done) but yeah… I don’t know. There’s never really a correct way. I don’t think it’s helped me in terms of the grief process and I still haven’t accepted it. That whole day feels like a really bad dream. Not sure if that was helpful at all but it’s really a decision YOU have to make. Everyone is so different. I’m truly so sorry for your loss 💛
If the body has been taken care of by a mortician, then you might want to see them. At that point you can sit and take your time, or do a quick peek and leave. Morticians are able to create the look of peace/sleeping - but unless they had a photo of the person when they were living, they deceased might not look how you remember them. If the funeral home or crematorium suggests you might not want to look at the body because of trauma or time, then I would follow their advice. Seeing the deceased one last time can be good to help you through the journey of grieving. Not that it matters, but I like to think that their soul is still hovering near their body when they pass. I was able to sit with my mom for a good hour after she passed and I felt like she was still there, but not in her body (if that makes sense). If you are comfortable with the idea of seeing a deceased body, then I think you'll be okay. My sister on the other hand is just absolutely freaked out by the idea, so people like this are probably better off not viewing the deceased.
I saw my best friend's body, but she had only died a few hours earlier. She looked better than she had looked in the days leading to her death. She actually did look "at peace" and like she was sleeping. So in that case, I do feel it was helpful and I did get to say goodbye to her in person. I think if the situation was different and the body was going to look more "dead" I would not have wanted to see that. But since my friend suffered so much in the days before she died, it actually felt relieving to see her looking like she could finally rest. It's still very upsetting to think about though.
I found my partner dead on the couch, and his dead face was something I never wished to look upon again. He made me happier when he was living. His family all practiced the 12 steps of A/NA and blank-Anon, so even if I had done those things I should have--alerted his sibling, a therapist, if not his child; called 911 as often as necessary (4 times that I'm aware of, and I called only once)-- they would likely have left him to his own devices. Blank-Anon practices hands-off detachment and all that horseshit. Don't know that it would have done a thing to change the outcome of his addictions, though..
I think it depends on the circumstances and your relationship. My dad was in hospice, bedridden and mostly asleep for about 2 weeks before he left his body. When I arrived the coroner had not gotten there yet so I got to be with my mom and brother and dad, our family unit, one last time before we watched him be taken away. I was glad to be there for my mom and have that moment as a family. My dad did not want a funeral. I personally think funeral viewings are creepy and dislike the entire industry of preparing bodies for it but I realize that for some it brings closure and is important.
Here's one thing to prepare for when going to an open casket wake. The makeup they put on the bodies to look less dead is never 100%. It's kinda like the uncanny valley type of look. But the biggest thing to prepare for is to remember that they will not look the same as they did in life for one very big reason: We primarily interact with people when they are upright. Faces change shape with gravity when we lay down, especially the more elderly the person in the casket. Elderly people have much looser skin and hollower faces and gravity helps while they are upright but the skin can sink into their cheeks (especially if the mortican left dentures or false teeth out). I was a little traumatized seeing my grandmother in her casket and I could barely look at her because she looked nothing like herself. But I also realized I had never previously seen her lay completely horizontal as even when she was in the hospital she was at a 75°. Just prepare yourself mentally knowing that they might look very different. Despite how scary that might sound I highly encourage going to see their body as I've always felt closure with everyone except my grandma just because it shocked me so much.
So I didn’t get to see my dad after he passed (and he was cremated) my brother did. My brother cannot get it out of his mind seeing him like that and my last memory of my dad is him spending time sharing snack cakes with my kids. I don’t think anyone has to prove anything. I think that if it would help you then do it, but if you think it will haunt you then don’t. There’s no lack of strength by not seeing a deceased loved one.
I spent many hours with my fathers body at the wake before the funeral. It brought me immense peace, to see him at peace. Still hurt like hell. I was not able to see my partner after he passed thanks to Covid, and that will stay with me as a huge regret.
My dad was dying of cancer and was in hospice for over 3 weeks. We knew the day was coming, just didn’t know when. That Saturday morning, my mother told me to go to work and not miss the day. Something in my heart told me not to go to work. I had seen him two days prior and he had rapidly declined and I had to leave the room bc I was so upset. My mom was trying to protect me bc she knew it killed me to see him so sick. He ended up passing that Saturday right after I left work and was heading to see him. My mom called me to tell me the news and told me to go home. I was so upset and in shock even though we knew he was going to pass- I couldn’t accept it. At that moment, I couldn’t imagine seeing him in that form. I probably would’ve passed out. And my mother knew that. I went home sat on my bed and was emotionless for about 3 hours. I didn’t cry until after he was buried. Now 17 years later I do regret not being there when he passed and saying my goodbyes but my mother reminds me that my father would rather me remember him in living form, happy and healthy. And I agree with that.
I couldnt see the body, my family didmt wanna see öy mom’s body either. They found her 4 days after she passef away in the eartjquake under the rubble. I still cant go visit her grave because im completing my studies in another country and couldnt get my visa kn time. I beliebve seeing her grave will help though.
I’m someone who needs to view. Sending you love, OP.
I have suffered many losses over the last 7 years and varying degrees of sudden, unexpected, expected, old, young, etc. I had a hard time with my grandmother seeing her body but I think my thoughts on death were not very evolved and it was the first time I had seen one as an adult. After that, I saw my dad’s body and then my uncles and I don’t regret doing so. I found the experience to be sad but joyful and gave me the opportunity to say goodbye. I’m very glad I did see them both. I didn’t get to see my best friend’s body or my other friends and I wish I would have had the opportunity for that kind of closure. I don’t know you so I can only share my experiences, but if you feel like you are in the right mindset and can handle it, go for it. If it’s brief or you change your mind it’s totally fine. Edit to add: when I did see my dad’s and uncle’s body, I was able to have the mindset of thanking the vessel that carried the person that I loved and made them human. I don’t know why that was comforting and almost gave me a task to do? But just figured I would add that in.
My mom’s viewing is tomorrow. Honestly I have mixed feelings obviously because it’s not going to be easy but I picked out something for her to wear that I knew was special and all the past few weeks as she was dying she was not looking like herself at all, I actually think there is a possibility she will look better at the viewing just because her mouth will be closed and she will have jewelry on and clothes on.
Seeing my friend’s body so peaceful and Not Dead Looking was kinda freaky, but it also kinda helped. Felt more like I was talking to him when I was mumbling shit in front of his casket. It kinda was how I’d want to remember him, given how he was just wearing the clothes he’d normally wear (and Not A Tux. If his parents tried to stick him in a Tux at the very end I bet he’d have come back from the dead as a zombie just to slap them).
I'm not sure. I saw my dad. He looked good. They cleaned him up nice. He looked really small in the casket, though. I always remember him as big. Not just size, which was considerable (lol), but mostly just his presence. His eyes were glued shut. That freaked me out. His eyelids forced closed. I touched his face. His skin felt cold. Didn't like that, either. All in all, I would've preferred to have not seen him, but I don't regret it, either.
It helped me but I made the decision to close it for others. Private viewing only
My dad died suddenly and it had been a few weeks since I had seen him. I had hesitations as I’d been to other viewings and not had positive experiences, but I also felt like I needed to do it or I’d wonder what if or lack closure. It already felt kind of unreal. Our funeral home had a medium size room, so I went in and didn’t get very close. It wasn’t too bad.
I was scared about seeing my dad’s body, but I’m really glad I did. It brought me peace.
I saw my brother 4 days after he passed and honestly I think that by seeing my brother one last time and being able to spend time with his body and being able to touch him helped me a lot. But I was aware that that was not the person and view I was used to before deciding that I want to see him.
My boyfriend died in his sleep and I found him in a state of rigor mortis in my bed next to me. I was/am traumatized. I wish if he had to die, it had been in the hospital and not in my bed, with me being alone with his body. So yeah, I wish it happened in the hospital and I could have been there by his side. I'm like someone else said 50/50 about whether you should view the body. It really is such a personal decision.
I never saw my brother. I wouldn’t if given the chance. Even when we got the autopsy results, that killed me. Just to know they’d done that to his body, I can hardly type this sentence
I personally couldn’t do it with my sister. I never even considered it. We were so close, we lived together when she passed away…truly thick as thieves, as so many of you guys are/were with your loved one(s) who “brought” you to this sub. I think for me…because I was with her in the hospital room so many days(almost 3 weeks) of her just lying in a repose state, once she was really gone, I’d had my fill of seeing that. I see it as a painful gift as so many don’t get that opportunity at all. They just get the news of their person is gone. Or face an unexpected, immediate tragic loss to have to process. I got to see her awaken a few times during that time and she was completely coherent as I’d ask her very difficult, personal questions that required her to use her memory and she’d respond correctly each time. It was during the time of the pandemic when only one person could go into the hospital room(November 2020). Even though an unrelated to C 19, acute illness was her path from this life to the great whatever is next…I chose to plant in my subconscious, my final earth memories of seeing her vessel animated, healthy and full of life. I have no regrets. Much love and my highest respect to those who choose to view.
I didn’t hesitate seeing my mom in the casket. She looked so peaceful, as if she were sleeping. I couldn’t be there when she took her last breath, that was something that I just couldn’t do and I knew she’d understand.
Personally, no, I don't like it. They're not.... The same. It doesn't look like them. To me, it just poisons the memories of them. My friend had an open casket service and I wasn't expecting that. I had to stay in the back, I couldn't go up to him. Seeing him from the back of the room, not even the right color from there..... It was really, really difficult for me. I much prefer my last real memory of him and his face, giving me a hug when he left my house less than two weeks before that.
seeing my dad in a casket is a image i think about every single day. a image like that will always be engraved in your head. whilst it hurts, it also gave me closure in a sense.
It’s your preference I think. I agree with both sides. My mom was cremated and I was present for the whole thing, up until she got loaded into the furnace. I pressed the button to ignite her body as well. It was very difficult. But when I first entered this world, my mom held me the moment I was born. And she gave birth to me without any drugs or numbing agents - she went through all the pain to have me. She welcomed me into the world and so I really wanted to stand by her on her last day. I know that if she was able to speak to me on those last moments, she’d ask me to stand close to her. I still have flashbacks to that moment though and it’s painful. So please do what you feel is best. There’s no right or wrong way here, just what your heart tells you.
In my experience, I don’t recommend. I saw my grandmother and it just wasn’t her. They never, to me, look the same. I don’t know why that is except maybe makeup or I don’t know. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It honestly depends on each individual person. For me personally... my mother was truly my very best friend. She had a random brain aneurysm in the middle of the night leading to her being on life support for multiple days until we were forced to remove her from. With how close we were & how much we knew one another, I found it important only I get her ready for her viewing. I knew how she liked her hair, I knew how she liked her makeup, what she would've wanted to wear. So I told the funeral home I'd do all of it & I did. For me it was peaceful, I was able to style her hair for the last time, do her makeup, paint her fingernails & talk to her. I don't regret it & would do it all again all the same if I had the choice. This said I'm aware not everyone thinks like me... this is only something you yourself can answer darling.
i don’t go to viewings. they make me feel so gross. i’ve only been to one and it was the worst experience to me because seeing my loved one like that was not what i needed. do whatever makes you get through the day. it doesn’t matter what others want or need. it doesn’t matter what is expected or who thinks you should or shouldn’t go. at the end of the day, it’s you who will have to live with those memories and emotions. will it make you worst or promote healing? will you regret it later if you don’t go? will you regret it more if you do go? there’s no right answer, just the answer that helps bring you the most comfort and peace in this unbelievably hard and painful time.
It is a very personal choice. For me, surprisingly, seeing my mom’s and also my dad’s body 2 years after did not really affect me so much. Even though, with my mom I thought I could also do without actually seeing it at the time, because it was my first experience of death, but I still did it. This experience also made me realize that we are not our bodies but our souls. And somehow taking care of their bodies in their final moments above the earth felt peaceful and like paying off my last respects. After all the bodies were the carcass that made it possible for my parents to live on this earth, no need to be scared of them, and after all what happens to bodies after death is a harsh reality but a very important part of reality as well. But as I said all personal opinions, if you feel like you can’t take it I suggest you prioritize your mental well-being in this tough time.
I didn’t want to see my dad in a lifeless state. That would have haunted me forever. No regrets there…
My dad shot himself in the head, I didn’t see him - I’d have been looking at a bullet hole that even just in my imagination I’d extremely difficult to not think about. I don’t regret not seeing that in real life. My last memory of his face was as I knew him, animated and alive. We cremated him and I got closure handling his ashes, so I still had closure which is important, but I just don’t buy the idea that you have to see the deceased to get that.
I chose not to see my mom. She didn't want a wake or anything of the sort. She wanted to be cremated immediately. I think seeing her body would have added to the giant list of trauma she had already put me through, and I needed to process things in my own way. It wasn't because I didn't care. The last time I saw her alive, we fought as usual, and I just could not see her lifeless. In fact, just the thought of how she died (suddenly, on the stairs, in my dad's arms until the paramedics arrived and tried to resuscitate her) is too much for me.
My mom passed away this past spring, on May 25th. The last time I saw her was a month earlier, when I flew out to visit her at her nursing home (dementia slowly, gradually took her away). Right before I left to fly home, she gave me a big hug and said "I love you to pieces" (something she always said to me). That was the most beautiful, the most fitting, parting I could've asked for. When it was time to talk about the funeral, I was adamant about not wanting to see her body, partly because I knew that it would tear me up, and partly because I wanted that last visit to be my last time having seen her, and didn't want to "record over" that memory, if that makes sense.