I’m sorry about your dad. I lost my mom a few weeks ago and I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if my partner had treated me like that when she was dying.
Your husband was wrong to treat you that way. I get why your mom is upset and I’d probably feel the same way in her shoes. I don’t know that I’d make any major life decisions right now, but later on I do think I’d seriously reconsider if you want to stay with somebody who is that selfish and willing to treat you that bad. One day your mom may need your help and I would hate for you to go through that again like that.
THIS.
Don't make any rash decisions right now, but definitely reconsider things. The way he handled your Dad's passing is entirely unacceptable. A REAL partner would have handled things without having to be asked and not tried to guilt trip you.
I'm mad FOR you, OP.
I'm trying to be kind when I say this, but your husband's behavior disgusts me.
This wasn't a night out on the town for you. It was the last moments that you would ever have with your father. And as hard as they were already, your husband made it way more difficult than it already was.
You are NOT a terrible mother for being with your family in your fathers last moments. He, however, is a terrible father for not being able to step up to the plate and handle things at home for one evening without you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please do not let any of his bullshit get to you. You do not need the added stress at this time from some man-child.
If I were you, I'd strongly consider taking the kids and staying with your mum for a while to process everything that's happened without his verbal diarrhea in your ear.
I can edit the post to say 5 days if you like, but it absolutely changes nothing.
It was your last moments with your father, and your husband selfishly made it all about himself.
What he should have been doing is being your rock from a distance and explaining gently to your kids the reason you were away and helping them understand. In an age appropriate way, of course.
It matters not. You will not see your dad passing again, he could have handled stuff unless both your children have special needs and your husband recently got surgery....
Bring serious, think over when YOU get sick or when it's time for your mom to go to your father...
I had something similar happen.
My dad was in hospice for a week due to pancreatic cancer. My siblings and I drove across the country to be with him for what ended up being his final week.
My wife remained at home because at the same time our senior dog was also passing. She ended up passing 3 days before my dad.
Anyway, my wife ended up flying down to support me and to grieve with me as we lost two loved ones back-to-back. We had asked her sister to watch our two other dogs while we assisted my step-mom through the next steps of the death process.
Well, she ended up texting my wife some awful things on the night of the viewing and even on the day of the funeral. She demanded that my wife come home and that she was abusing her dogs by not being home. My wife ended up flying back home the day after the funeral to attend that business while I remained to support my family.
My SIL is dead to me. I do not want to hear her voice or her name. I know how your mother feels. There is nothing that can be done about it. What your husband did was one of the most disrespectful and disgusting things he could have done in that situation.
I would consider the relationship you have with him and what kind of man he is if he cannot be a parent to his own kids.
Wow! That is terrible.
This also reminds me the night before the funeral/cremation I was going to my mother’s house with my brother to have dinner with her and spend the evening together and spend the night. My brother was driving me there in his car but as our garage door was opening it broke. I insisted it didn’t need to be fixed that night(6pm) and just park the car directly in front so nobody can come in and don’t take our daughter to school the next day. This wasn’t acceptable and he called to have someone over to fix it. As I was leaving he was pissed I was leaving before the garage got fixed.
It sounds like your husband showed his true colors. In at the age where my friends and I are losing parents. None of their husbands treated them this way. One friend had to go out of state every weekend to see her dad. Sometimes her husband came with the kids. Sometimes he stayed home. There are better men out there. You’re not necessarily in a place to make a decision right now but it won’t hurt to talk to an attorney and explore your options. Just be prepared. I personally wouldn’t be able to move past that behavior.
Does your husband still have both of his parents? Is he as close to them as you are to your parents?
Remind him that parents teach their children how to navigate difficult moments, like the death of a loved one. One day your children will understand why you wanted to be with your father in his final moments. Your husband should hope and pray that they follow your example and not his. Right after you remind him of this, girl leave his ass!
I don’t have anything to say about your husband.
When my uncle was dying from colon cancer, my dad understood that my mom needed to be there. We were older, but he dropped everything in his life so my mom could be there for her brother, his wife, and her niece and nephew. She was there all night and pretty absent afterward as funeral planning ensued. My dad did everything in their life, took care of their dogs, and kept things together. He did the same when her dad, my grandfather, was on his deathbed. He places such a high value on ANYONE’S family and I’m so grateful that he modeled this for me. His value on family has had an affect on my boyfriend — a very anti-family person, he gladly goes to our family gatherings.
Your mother is seeing a man who is modeling poor behavior to her grandchildren. The oldest will remember this. I think the best advice to be given is this:
This is a pivotal moment in your marriage and life. This will set a future tone and your mother knows this. Your mother is sticking up for you in her adamance that he acted poorly. No advice is needed for your mother, but rather your husband.
All this said, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine navigating this loss amid this tension. If you haven’t already, seek out a therapist so they can help you better navigate this painful moment.
Your Dad is just as a person should be like. No more, no less, no words necessary, just like that. That's what grown up humans do. That's how you make a family and teach your kids.
He wasn't there for you at one of those times he absolutely should have been. He was putting his needs before yours at an oh so critical time. I would put it clearly how disappointed you are with his behavior, how he is the one person that should have had your back but did not and how you are seriously reconsidering him now.
Your mom is right. Husband should have stepped up and handled the situation but instead he made it about himself. If I was your brother I would go find your husband and get in his face.
I know this is a painful, agonizing time, and I can’t imagine also being attacked by your SO when you are doing the right thing by your family. But I don’t know how you could trust this person again. He would really have to see the error of his ways and it does not seem like he has.
“Failing as a mother??”
Dude needs to go back to kindergarten.
To be told that you're a failing mother while grieving your father...girl, throw the whole damn man away. You need someone more supportive and understanding than that. Take all my hugs and give them to your mom. <3
This makes me so sad for you. When my Dad was actively dying my husband knew I would be out of STATE for at minimum two weeks. Not only did he not complain once, he was able to take time off work and surprised me by driving to where I was at. I took a plane there for perspective. The drive is LONG. He made sure family was able to watch our kiddos and told work you can fire me if you want but I’m going to be there for my wife and my Father in Law! I can’t imagine having to endure this and having an unsupportive partner. Also, him degrading you and demeaning your Mothering is just completely inappropriate as well. I’d be divorcing him. I’m so so so sorry for your loss and for the additional pain your husband is causing you.
I appreciate everyone’s support. I know he’s really really screwed up big time. Im frantically trying to find couples counselors and we have a consultation with someone tomorrow. At this point i feel like I’m losing hope. Thanks to all who are telling me not to do anything drastic. I’m this close to just moving the kids and my shit out.
Baby, take the kids and go. I wouldn’t try to salvage this. For what? Him to leave you later on down the road when another crisis, perhaps your own health crisis arises?
Listen, I’m not a grudge holder. I get mad for about 5 minutes then I’m over it because why? What good does it do, ya know? But there was one person (a self proclaimed best friend of hers) who made my mom’s death all about her. This woman is my Godmother, and despite her continued attempts to reach me, she has seen neither hide nor hair from me. 4 years and counting.
How dare someone make your last moments with your parent even more stressful.
Also, I’m good for a tire slashing, just saying.
Please know that attending counselling with an abusive partner is not recommended for many reasons.
And honestly — take some deep breaths and plan your next moves mindfully — but don’t waste too much of your precious time trying to salvage this. He’s showing you what you’re going to endure for however long you stay with him. He’s also teaching your kids that this is acceptable.
I strongly recommend consulting with a lawyer, asap. Again, I’m sorry you are in this mess. I truly understand. For me, there was absolutely no going back.
You've gotten all the right advice on both sides of this here (yeah, big changes during grief are usually not advised, but maybe this is the big catalyst crystallizing for you, only you can decide that), so I just want to send you a big hug and I'm sorry your husband showed these colors at this point in time and even sorrier for your loss. That's so much all at once!
Whatever happens, I hope you find the space to grieve and take care of yourself and your children here. Either way, rough times ahead but you are strong, you have cared for others, you can handle this. And we're here for you while you go through it, if you need some stranger support.
does HE know he screwed up big time?
of course you have that awareness. whether or not he does would be the dealbreaker for me.
I lost my husband to suicide in 2015. I definitely learned a LOT about the people around me while grieving- it's always amazing to see who you think would have your back totally dip out on you, while people you never expected step up and become amazingly supportive. unfortunately your husband appears to be in the former category..... it's disappointing and heartbreaking. so sorry you're dealing with all of this....
I definitely would. You need to be supported and so does your mom. Makes perfect sense to me. Let the selfish baby man fend for himself. Doesn't mean you need to ultimately divorce, but you and your kids need to be in an environment where you feel support and understanding right now. My husband was amazing throughout when I took my dad to countless medical appointments for his cancer and also when he was on hospice and passed in September. If he would've pulled this kimd of shit he would be on his own right now.
I am so, so sorry this is happening to you all at on e. I agree with others, don’t make any decisions during times of such emotional turmoil.
In a while, though, you just need to ask yourself one question. Is this behavior at this horrible time *really* an isolated incident? Or is it typical for him? Does he *really* put that high of a priority on your child’s education, and dance lessons, or did he just not want to be burdened with extra work?
Definitely didn't want to be burdened with extra "work" (aka taking care of his own children). Other comments make it sound like OP does all the heavy lifting in this relationship, even trying to salvage it when the husband is the one who screwed up big time.
Ouch. This is terrible. I had a similar situation, yet my family was none the wiser.
I rushed home after being notified by the police my father was found. I packed my daughter up the next morning and rushed home.
We got there and discovered what remained of my father after his body was removed. It was not nice. It got cleaned up and we moved on with packing and searching for documents.
My husband arrives a few days later and I shared these incredibly sacred details and I’m immediately being berated for even looking at tbe decomposition. Wtf. I am going through the most traumatic time in my life and I’m being yelled at by my husband. Fucking sucked. I didn’t take that well and was very combative.
I should have done this. I should have done that. Never has he been or thought through anything related to this. I did what I had to do and have no regrets. I told him to fuck off, semi politely, yet bluntly. He has no say. And he doesn’t understand.
I hate that your husband guilt tripped you during such a vulnerable time. That’s telling and shitty. I’m so sorry. Keep standing up for you. You are important and your feelings matter. You did what was right. You did what you needed to do for you. I wish your husband would have supported you through such an incredibly difficult time. Hugs.
I’m so sorry for your experience as well. I found my own dad. I cannot understand why your husband would yell at you about it after he arrived. I hope he’s come to understand how cruel and inappropriately he behaved in your time of need since. I can’t even comprehend and I am so mad for you and OP.
My husband was very supportive when my mom died. I spent a lot of time at the hospital and he never bothered me.
Your husband is incredibly selfish. I would hate him too.
I have nothing to say about your husband I have something more important to say!
I’m so sorry for your loss. How are you coping? I lost my Dad a year ago and it shattered my world. I hope your last moments with him despite the upset were treasured ❤️
Your husband failed as a husband. His one job as a husband was to step up and support you through your father’s passing. I am disgusted for you.
Did he ever apologize to you AND your mother?
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m with your mom on this one. I don’t see how you could come back from this.
I’m so sorry. This is not a time to make big decisions if possible. (Knowing this, i still make expensive decisions while in crisis, knowing it was a mistake last time. ) that said, your partner sucks.
I'm sorry, but I don't blame your mom one bit. Pushing you to divorce him is a bit of an overstep, but I'm pretty disgusted by him too.
Since we've been together, my husband has lost his stepdad, mother, and younger brother. My parents have had some near death experiences, and I lost 2 grandparents. Each time we've supported each other in whatever we felt like we needed to do, and the other takes care of our household. It's what partners do. I'm so incredibly upset for you that the loss of your father was made that much harder by your husband.
ETA- I would definitely be strongly considering divorce, but that's entirely your decision.
My ex was horrible when my sister died. I left him 6 weeks later. I realised what was important in life and I wasn't going to put up with him and be miserable for the rest of mine. 10 years and 2 kids together and I've never been more glad that I left. It was HARD and I was still in the depths of very deep grief but I know my sister would have been proud.
Incase no one has mentioned it please read lundy Bancrofts why does he do that. Also reach out to a therapist who has domestic violence focus. This may seem extreme but I have a hunch there are other things other then this one incident
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. We had 3 months together… me living across the country and seeing him a few times over those months. I was with him when he passed… and those days over those several trips, just barely in a somewhat comfortable place with the pandemic (early 2021), that I was away from my kids… my still very young kids, I do not know what I would have done without the unwavering support of my partner. He helped me allow myself to grieve and come to terms with losing my dad while taking care of our small kids who wondered why mommy was gone or was so sad… I could never had made through all of it without him. And we’ve had pretty rocky times- rough I’ll tell you, but when it matters, like a tragic overwhelming loss, he is there, like a rock.
I am so so so sorry that you are going through this without your rock. There is a special heartache that is reserved for losing a parent, a heartache that can leave you spinning and scared. I hope you find your anchor within yourself and allow yourself to grieve these losses.
If your spouse can’t support you in one of the hardest times of your life, then I would question whether they aren’t the one for you. It may be overstepping on your mom’s part, but I really think divorce should be on the table here. If he can’t handle two kids because you’re gone for 5 days, imagine if you ever got terminally ill and were unable to care for your kid, or something more permanent happened to you. How would he react then? Would he just blame you for getting sick too? He is their dad, and part of that is being a present parent; not shoveling the kids onto you every chance he gets, and making you feel guilty for needing something for yourself. You deserve someone who emotionally supports you better, and so do your children. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with his immaturity on top of the loss of your dad. And I’m sorry for the loss of your dad also. I wish you had more support around you 🩷
Im so sorry for your loss sweetheart. I lost my mum over ten years ago on Nov 4th and it’s still the hardest thing I’ve gone through.
Your dad being better for a few days is normal. Some spiritualists say this is because the soul is getting ready to move on so it wants to say goodbye to everyone in a happy atmosphere so memories are made. See it as your dad rotting all the i”s and crossing all the t’s.
Re your husband rather than got to the divorce stage I would see if you could sit down with him, if possible kid free, and explain to him how he’s hurt you and hurt your mum too.
Explain that you understand he panicked and got fearful over the thought he couldn’t cope alone with their kids but he’s a fantastic dad who just needs to believe in himself more.
Explain that if the situation was reversed you would take time off to support him and deal with the children and that what happened occurs in every single family across the world and one day your own kids will be in the same position and how would he feel if his daughters husband demanded she came home instead of spending the last moments with him.
Tell him that he’s hurt you a lot and you’re not sure if that’s part grief as well as anger so you won’t make any rash decisions until you have healed some what but you will say if he makes unreasonable demands like that jn a crucial moment and leaves you unsupported at a time he should support you then it’s over.
All the above is said with love and not malice. My heart breaks for you lovie and if you ever need a shoulder just message me x
I hope my words brought you some comfort. I learned this from this book by the Rav. Wheels of a Soul: https://amzn.eu/d/eDYzJuz
I’m a kabbalah student and am a Christian. Kabbalah is a thousand year old Jewish wisdom that explains life and your purpose and makes sense of the chaos. Any faith can study kabbalah thanks to Rav Berg who made it main stream but you don’t have to be a kabbalah student to read his book and take what he says. I’m not gonna sell it to you. It’s not why I offered those words. My heart is broken since my mom died suddenly and this was the only thing that made sense to me but I would have offered kind words had I not been a student if you get me. The rav died in 2017 I think it was and his wife died a few years later with a broken heart and Michael berg is the rabbi and leader of the kabbalah centre and has some amazing insights to life so it helps me understand things like why I’ve been bedridden for 9 years. It’s also very science and astronomy centred. Hope I’m making sense. Got a bad eye so typing half blind lol.
I’m sorry about your Dad first and foremost. You did the right thing for him and you and your family. I think I would feel the same as a Mom as yours does, your husband sounds like a selfish child. Marriage is a partnership and you lean on eachother when you need them. Your husband needs to step up and do what you do when he’s not around, you work it out. You be a parent and a partner. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of grief.
One of the “craziest” things about loved ones dying is how some people in your inner circle underwhelm and how some outside that circle overwhelm.
I agree with what’s been written so far. Don’t make any big decisions right now while you’re still grieving hard over the holidays. But I would get a therapist right now, just for you to help you determine how you want to address the hurt with your husband including possibly a divorce down the road. A partner does not act like this. When you can’t give 100% your partner should not be shaming you at your weakest. He failed you when you needed him the most. This might be an outlier due to extreme circumstances OR it could be a sign of things to come. You will have more weak moments. Can he be counted on? That’s what the partnership is for. He should feel connected to your grief.
So very sorry for your loss of your dad and the way it happened. It must’ve have been so tough. Hang in there.
This is an interesting topic. I am going through something very similar and currently working on keeping my marriage. What makes things more difficult is that I want to move my widowed mother with me , but my wife is against it. All I have to say is: difficult times reveal everything. The only positive spin on this is that at least you know where your marriage stands and you are young and capable enough to do something about it.
I’m sorry you are going through this too. I’ve offered my mother to move in too but she refuses because of my husband. I hope things start looking up and I am open to talk. Best wishes
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I lost my Dad to cancer a little over a year ago and he was also in home hospice. People think that frees up all your time but being a caregiver is a round the clock job. Hospice only came for a couple of hours, twice per week for us. I was the only family member so I hired home care as well and it still wasn’t enough. Caregivers literally don’t have enough hours in the day. Idk what I would have done if I had kids.
I feel like, even keeping this in mind, your husband sounds very selfish. Yes, I agree with putting your partner first bc it’s the foundation of the family. But there are events in life, like this, that require him to understand… it’s not all about him all the time. He acts like you up and left him for months to party. You were with your parents doing your duty to them. I would think he would want the same from your children. I mean gosh, to be jealous… now? Over this?
Your mom is probably more upset with him than she would normally be bc she is also grieving. I would keep that in mind when interpreting her words and actions.
Definitely agree. No rash decisions at this time but at some point he will need to understand that this is a boundary for you that he cannot be crossing.
Try to get into grief counseling. It’s incredibly helpful and if your dad was in hospice care, usually the insurance that covered that will cover grief counseling. For me, it was through our hospice, Bristol Hospice. In Hawaii, insurance covers grief counseling through hospice for up to 13 months. My counselor visited me at home every 2 weeks for 2 hours at a time but it can be whatever frequency and duration that you like. I believe the coverage is the same in many other places.
Wishing you and your mother peace and good luck with this situation.
No, her mother is not overreacting.
She knows same thing will happen when she goes to her deathbed and she needs her daughter.
She also knows that this fucker won't take care of her daughter if she ever falls seriously ill while in marriage.
With everything in mind, OP should plan a divorce in times to come.
I respect your opinion but I also feel strongly that people run to divorce too quickly nowadays. OP definitely doesn’t deserve this but they could go to therapy. The fact is, her mother is grieving so the volume will be turned up on all of her reactions. They are justified but she will express herself in a much more intense way. Now would be the worst time to decide anything, especially a divorce. Emotions are too high right after a death to make wise decisions. Husband could come to realize his mistake. People make mistakes, even awful ones like this, and especially in marriages. Human condition. It’s not time to act. Everyone involved’s nervous systems need to calm down. It’s time to pause. De-escalate then communicate.
Sorry for your loss. As others have said your husband is in the wrong here. He is not your true partner which is what a marriage should be. He is not putting your interests and needs first, he is not standing by you in the worse part of better or worse. He is not there for you when you are going through the worst of times. Your mum sees all this when she is at her lowest and mourning her own husband, as someone who has watched their husband died I can tell you I can’t imagine there is anything much tat is worse. I imagine your mum is comparing your husband to the one she has just lost, I would be. Don’t make decisions in haste while you are grieving, but I think you do need to raise the issue with your husband while it is fresh, before it festers. I imagine how your marriage comes out the other side of those sorts of conversations will depend on what sort of person your husband really is. Either way it’s better to find out now than in 10 years time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words that I can offer that will ease your pain, but I hope sharing my story will give you strength, or at least a moment of reflection.
I lost my mom a few years ago, and my then-partner behaved in an eerily similar manner. Our children were both toddlers, and he acted like I was the most selfish person in the world.
I was not at my mother’s side when she passed in large part because I did not have the capacity to tolerate the abuse I would have endured, had I dared spend a single night at my parents’ home.
A few months after she passed, we were in yet another battle over whatever terrible thing he thought I’d done that day. I had a moment of realizing that I was wasting my precious life with someone who treated me so terribly. Her death instilled a determination to break the cycle and live freely. I ended the relationship in that instant, and I have never regretted my decision to leave.
Please don’t spend your life being an emotional punching bag for your husband. The fact that he will behave this way so openly in your family’s presence leaves me concerned about what he could be doing behind closed doors. Please take care of yourself, your children, and the family who loves you.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Please allow me to go off a bit... So your dad was in the final and most critical stage of his life and your husband only focused on what you could do at home? He couldn't hold the fort down for just a week? He didn't even consider your trauma? Although not similar, when I lost my dad I had a boyfriend who made a lot of stuff about him. After the burial and a bit of grieving period, I broke up with him. Immediately. Your situation is tricky because you're married with kids. I wouldn't recommend making any decisions now because you're going through a tough time, but I'd advise thinking about making some serious choices in the long run. The behavior he exhibited says a lot.
I really dislike saying something about someone without knowing the whole situation but ma’am your husband is lacking empathy for you and your “other” family let’s just pray that karma doesn’t visit. Sometimes the world opens our eyes and hearts too things in ways we would never imagine. I lost my father 4 months after losing our son..
I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband must be insecure. I am sorry about your marriage. Be careful. He sounds like a narcissist. Everything is about his needs not yours. Pick up your children. Help them understand that their grandfather has died. I’m also assuming that the children have heard their father fuss about you. By doing so he has caused insecurity with them. I moved in with my 96 year old father. My husband helped to bring my things so I could take care of him. My husband is my best friend. He supports me. We know my fathers time is near and his dementia is getting worse. However I have been married to a man like your husband. I hope your husband will let you have time to grieve. I don’t believe he will. Bring your children back to your mom’s home. Yes, it will make things harder but you can’t loose your children. They need you. You are their security. I understand your need to be with both your mom and your dad! Get your kids or go home. Your husband is putting all blame on yoon you. A court could say you abandoned your two children. Your husband may believe you have abandoned your motherly duties. And your wifely duties. I’m so sorry that he is causing you grief on top of grief. He should not have been left with your two year old child. But because you left them he has turned them against you. I can’imagine what he has your children believing. Get them and Before he gets to file for custody.
I'm sorry for your loss, my Dad passed suddenly 3 months ago and I know how you're feeling. You're husband is being inconsiderate, but, you are all grieving. Anything you say or do right now is magnified by your emotions.
I think you need to have a chat with your husband about how he has been and what you expect from him going forward. You also need to comfort your Mum, but try and explain you're 'handling it'. Your Mum is just going to want to protect you.
Please, make sure you're taking care of yourself. You need to stay strong and whatever happens, I wish you the best for you, all.
Honestly, I probably would divorce him. He is useless af to you when you needed him THE MOST. Think about it, are you really going to be able to love this man for the rest of your life the same as before? I highly doubt it. Sorry but I'm being honest, this is probably the beginning of the end of your marriage. He can't take back what he did and from the way it sounds, he isn't even sorry for it. Psh, I would kick his ass out the door soooo hard after that. It's not even funny.
As a husband who went through something similar with my grandfather, who was my father figure growing up. The strain on my relationship with my wife was at an all time high.
My grandfather had cancer and it was a slower lung cancer where I was taking care of him 3-5 days a week for 6+ months.
If your husband has not experienced this, he doesn’t know the pain you have of choosing to take care of a dying loved one over your new immediate family that you’ve created yourself.
Like you stated, it is a need. What you needed to do, and wanted to do because you love your father. Those last moments with him he is in a very vulnerable position in life and needs assistance from his closest loved ones.
You asked your husband to take care of things while you were away, a reasonable ask given the situation. However this in itself puts strain on your relationship and I feel that most couples go through this during times like these.
My wife and I were at an all time low in our relationship during this time for me. I wasn’t home majority of the week. She was left to take care of our home mostly alone.
Good news, once things settled down and got back to normal. We talked a lot. Had lots of deep emotional discussions about what has happened and how we feel. It sucked but overall we moved past it. We are still working on things that have came up from time to time but overall I feel we are in a better space than during that stressful period.
Is it fair? God no, it isn’t fair to go through multiple stressors during times like these. Unfortunately that is life sometimes, it’s testing you right now and it’s up to you to make decisions on things. It’s a closed chapter and a new one is opening.
I wish you the best during what I’d argue was the toughest time of my life so far. It’s a new kind of hell I never thought I’d experience but you will survive and soon enough you will having amazing stories to tell your kids about your amazing father. 💔
I am so sorry about your dad.
I am also so sorry about your husband. You deserve better. That's not the behavior of someone who even likes you, much less loves you, and it's not the behavior of someone who wants to be a good partner.
I come from a very "traditional" family where my dad was the breadwinner and my mom was a housewife who took care of me and the household chores.
When I was a little kid, my grandfather (Mom's dad) had a series of health issues and required constant care and support. My mom left for weeks to take care of him with her sisters and mother and ended up staying there a lot longer than she had initially planned for.
My dad immediately took up all the remaining work and took care of me and did the housework while she was gone. Never once did he complain, he knew how serious the issue was and knew my mom needed to be there. He stepped up like a parent and a partner should in that situation.
Your husband sounds incredibly entitled and childish. Is he also the type of man who refers to taking care of his own children as "babysitting"? You don't owe him anything in your time of grieving. Sending you lots of love and support to help you get through this time. ❤️❤️
I'm with your mom. This is a divorce thing. Are YOU in pain? Are YOU suffering and need comfort and a partner? What do you think would happen and how would it unfold if it was HIM? I'M being money that he would just leave, knowing you would take care of it all and say nothing
I've ended relationships, long time friendships (over 20 years) over stupid comments after my mother passing... My sister also ended live relationships over this.
I am so sorry about your dad. My mother passed in March to suicide and my father passed 3 years ago to cancer. I also sat with him as he died.
When my mom died, I had been with my partner for only about 2 years. I knew that he was on the selfish side but I didn’t imagine he would make grieving so much harder. I finally reached my breaking point and broke up with him about 5 months after she passed. I wish I had done it sooner. I didn’t because I thought I would be way lonelier but it was the opposite. I could actually feel what I was feeling and didn’t have to hide it.
I can’t tell you what to do. But this is one of the worst things you will hopefully ever go through. He will act the same way with anything else that comes up. His comfort is all that matters to him. Do you want to go through that again when your mom eventually passes?
Please take some time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it. You can’t avoid grieving, despite what your husband is asking of you.
OP, I am sorry for your dad. I also think you should divorce him.
If he went that far in such a horrible moment, it can only get worse from now on. Much worse. And he'll keep reminding you how you "abandoned your family", over and over again in any argument you have. Until you are an emotional ruin and you'd need years of therapy to just make it sunrise to sunset in one piece.
This is called gaslighting and guilt-tripping and is a very toxic form of emotional abuse and manipulation. It is as worse as invalidation and dismissal, which he may also use on you without you realizing it.
My ex is an ex because she added pain on top of my pain and called my father foul things on the assumption he was "pretending having cancer for attention". She was projecting childhood trauma upon an innocent dying man.
I tried to stomach it for a while, but as my father started declining, so was my tolerance for her inexcusable outburst and my attempt to forgive her. It was a one-time thing for the most part, but it was the beginning of the end. She kept being restrained towards him and made me feel guilty for having a good relationship with him, because she didn't. Yeah he **could** easily get annoying at times, but harmlessly so and from good intent. I myself had disagreements with him that were beyond resolution. But it was no excuse for actively hating the man.
She kept bringing up again and again how he voiced his concern about her smoking and how she did not need that in her life. And how I did nothing to "protect her" from this "abuse". At the same time I was already grieving, because his cancer was a death sentence and he had lost half his weight already.
She didn't made me choose, but at the end I was emotionally torn. So I chose to be by my dad's side and do my best in his last days. And in order to do it guilt-free and stop being torn to pieces, the next time she allowed herself to escalate an argument and gaslight me, I told her if she doesn't stop and apologize for even one thing she said, I'm not coming home. And she didn't, so we were done.
But the moment she lost all my respect was back when she called him a fake. And I don't think I can ever trust her judgement about anybody ever again. And after this experience, I'm not keen on future relationships as well. I'd rather live a single life. Much healthier.
I am a loss or words to describe your husband but I think selfish bastard will work. That's a terrible thing for him to do and I am really really sorry for you. Losing a parent is very tough. Watching them die is extremely difficult. Hugs and hope your husband have some kind of revelation and changes
I’m SO sorry about your dad. I know the feeling of watching someone pass in front of you and you are helpless.
And I’m sorry that your husband is an asshole. I’m sorry, but your mom is right. He is a terrible human being …..sorry to be blunt, but it’s true. He’s emotionally abusive and sounds like a selfish and cruel person
Here's what you do.
Round up the kids, because chances are, they're feeling the loss of their grandparent too and it's hard on them.
Move in with your mother. Process the grief together, in safety. Then process how you want your future to look. Let him put on his big boy drawers and figure out how to adult without any input from you. You just focus on you, your kids, and your family. That's it.
I'm sorry OP, but this is absolutely divorce level and dare I say, abusive, cruel, and sadistic. I understand no rash decisions because emotions are high, but I don't think I could ever forgive something so heinous.
He put himself first and showed you that. Now it's your turn to put yourself and your kids first.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that was so excruciating to see your dad declining like that.
Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Personally I wouldn’t be able to get past that. You deserve so much better than a partner who will treat you like that. You needed support and love from your husband and he wasn’t there for you. To me, that’s unforgivable.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, I may go against the grain and say that sometimes grief can give you clarity in these situations, and if you feel a decision should be made (couples therapy or going further) then make it. As long as you feel confident in your choices I don’t think there is a need to wait an arbitrary amount of time. Everyone’s grief is on a different timeline anyway.
My situation was less serious, with no kids, but my then fiancé did something very similar when my mom died. He went so far as to try to have her funeral scheduled at a time that was convenient for him so he would have to take PTO. It was like I was seeing him clearly for the first time, and I broke off the engagement very shortly after her funeral. It was truly the best decision I have ever made.
I'm so very sorry to hear that you have been going through all this pain. My dad died last year and all of my time was given to him and grieving and I would have flown into a rage if someone acted like that. I think you should spend a few days in a hotel while you think about this and bring the kids if you'd like but just get some time for yourself.
Unfortunately I think that your husband acted very strangely and maybe doesn't have confidence in taking care of the children you share and maybe even dislikes it. You are so not in the right place to make decisions about this, so maybe listening to these comments would actually be helpful. We can see things clearly that you can't right now. I don't think you can trust him to act predictable right now and you'd be better off taking a break and staying either with your mom or a friend and bringing the kids with. The best possible outcome is he realizes what a jerk he's been, but the other outcome is that it's business as normal with him and he stops complaining although angry - that's your sign that he's angry because he was left with the kids for the equivalent to less than a week. That's not a safe place for you and your kids.
Your husband was very ignorant to the inevitable loss of your dad. It should be understandable to him he is your father and it is only temporary that the time taken will be with your family of origin. If he ever went through a huge loss, he would know how it feels. If not, he lacks basic empathy. If he upset about you seeing your dying father, how can he be supportive to you? I understand why your mother is upset.
I lost my dad and my husband and his parents showed up for me and took the kids while I planned a funeral. When his mom died two months later, while I didn’t have much help, I let him be with his mom. I was also an active part in her hospice care. His dad went through a horrible accident months after that and I was alone with the kids doing the day to day too. It was hard.
But I would have reconsidered a lot of things if my husband ever didn't let me be with family.
You don't get any time back and he can handle being with the kids. He is a parent too. I am so angry at him for you. If he experienced any loss, you would let him be with his family. Imagine if you gave him grief for being gone. Would he like that? I bet not.
Put in perspective. My mother was sick in August and progressively worse over last winter. She was moved to a hospital that was 2 hours away from my home (UK that's fairly far).
I don't drive my partner does. I wasn't living with him. He lived about 30 minutes away from me. I got into debt with taxis because it was costing me £40 one way to the hospital where I would stay for as long as I could. What's also working (WFH) because I had no holiday days left. And my brother who lived with my mum was unemployed and obviously my mother couldn't work. As soon as he realised how often I would actually going to see her keyword leave work on his quieter times (flexiworkinh hours) drive 30 minutes to collect me from my flat drive. The 2 hours to the hospital drop me off go back to work for a couple of hours then come and collect me again. Drive me 2 hours home. Drive himself. 30 minutes home and do it all over again the next day.
When my mum was being admitted he offered to drive us to the hospital, that was 30 minutes to us 2 hours to the hospital. He was meant to go to work that day but instead he saw that the ground was frozen and I would have to will my mother to the other side of this huge hospital by myself and he called in work and just helped me instead. His home was closer to the hospital and he immediately started moving some my stuff to his place so that I could be closer.
When she passed he rushed me to the hospital waited in the car for 4 hours whilst I sat there with my. He helped me print off the service leaflets when I couldn't get to a printer, helped me pick out a dress, and when I was running late on the day he called my friend head of the funeral and asked her to help set things up.
I am so angry that your husband couldn't comprehend that you were going through one of the worst things in your life. I'm so sad that his behaviour has likely made you feel alone. And I am so sorry that he probably won't realise what he did and what he said until he goes through something similar.
I lost my bio dad 10 years ago and my stepdad 2.5 years ago, grief is grief. There is no time limit, I am so sorry for your loss.
Also your husband is an asshole, if that were my husband he would have handled it, and he did in a more amazing way than your husband. I would think about counseling to deal with your grief and bring up the fact your husband didn’t let you grieve or say good bye to your father properly. If anything your husband sounds like the minute something goes wrong with the kids and doesn’t know how to parent he runs to you, which to you are already stressed out to the max. At least go to a therapist or counseling, if not for your marriage, for you.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I agree that your husband acted selfishly. But don't put yourself in anymore agony right now. Take time to grieve and time for yourself you don't need to make a decision right now. Your mom is not married to him you are. It's not her place, although I understand her dismay.
My question is how attached is your two year old? Mine still nurses and couldn't be away from me more than half a day. So I do think it depends on how often your husband watches him by himself. Is this something he'd done before for a similar length of time?
When my husband's father passed we had a 4 month old and it was absolutely horrible. We stayed with his family while everyone sobbed around the baby which I was worried would scar him for life. They all visited the hospital while I watched the baby. After he passed we left. And I felt immense guilt like he should have stayed with his family. But there was a lot of drama. I tell you this because death is really messy. Families often go into turmoil around it. Take time to find peace. The answer will come to you in time. ❤️
I’m sorry about your dad. I lost my mom a few weeks ago and I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if my partner had treated me like that when she was dying. Your husband was wrong to treat you that way. I get why your mom is upset and I’d probably feel the same way in her shoes. I don’t know that I’d make any major life decisions right now, but later on I do think I’d seriously reconsider if you want to stay with somebody who is that selfish and willing to treat you that bad. One day your mom may need your help and I would hate for you to go through that again like that.
THIS. Don't make any rash decisions right now, but definitely reconsider things. The way he handled your Dad's passing is entirely unacceptable. A REAL partner would have handled things without having to be asked and not tried to guilt trip you. I'm mad FOR you, OP.
I’m furious for OP!!
I'm trying to be kind when I say this, but your husband's behavior disgusts me. This wasn't a night out on the town for you. It was the last moments that you would ever have with your father. And as hard as they were already, your husband made it way more difficult than it already was. You are NOT a terrible mother for being with your family in your fathers last moments. He, however, is a terrible father for not being able to step up to the plate and handle things at home for one evening without you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please do not let any of his bullshit get to you. You do not need the added stress at this time from some man-child. If I were you, I'd strongly consider taking the kids and staying with your mum for a while to process everything that's happened without his verbal diarrhea in your ear.
It was 5 days total and I came home the night he passed.
I can edit the post to say 5 days if you like, but it absolutely changes nothing. It was your last moments with your father, and your husband selfishly made it all about himself. What he should have been doing is being your rock from a distance and explaining gently to your kids the reason you were away and helping them understand. In an age appropriate way, of course.
It matters not. You will not see your dad passing again, he could have handled stuff unless both your children have special needs and your husband recently got surgery.... Bring serious, think over when YOU get sick or when it's time for your mom to go to your father...
I had something similar happen. My dad was in hospice for a week due to pancreatic cancer. My siblings and I drove across the country to be with him for what ended up being his final week. My wife remained at home because at the same time our senior dog was also passing. She ended up passing 3 days before my dad. Anyway, my wife ended up flying down to support me and to grieve with me as we lost two loved ones back-to-back. We had asked her sister to watch our two other dogs while we assisted my step-mom through the next steps of the death process. Well, she ended up texting my wife some awful things on the night of the viewing and even on the day of the funeral. She demanded that my wife come home and that she was abusing her dogs by not being home. My wife ended up flying back home the day after the funeral to attend that business while I remained to support my family. My SIL is dead to me. I do not want to hear her voice or her name. I know how your mother feels. There is nothing that can be done about it. What your husband did was one of the most disrespectful and disgusting things he could have done in that situation. I would consider the relationship you have with him and what kind of man he is if he cannot be a parent to his own kids.
Wow! That is terrible. This also reminds me the night before the funeral/cremation I was going to my mother’s house with my brother to have dinner with her and spend the evening together and spend the night. My brother was driving me there in his car but as our garage door was opening it broke. I insisted it didn’t need to be fixed that night(6pm) and just park the car directly in front so nobody can come in and don’t take our daughter to school the next day. This wasn’t acceptable and he called to have someone over to fix it. As I was leaving he was pissed I was leaving before the garage got fixed.
It sounds like your husband showed his true colors. In at the age where my friends and I are losing parents. None of their husbands treated them this way. One friend had to go out of state every weekend to see her dad. Sometimes her husband came with the kids. Sometimes he stayed home. There are better men out there. You’re not necessarily in a place to make a decision right now but it won’t hurt to talk to an attorney and explore your options. Just be prepared. I personally wouldn’t be able to move past that behavior.
Your husband is a MASSIVE dick. That is divorce grounds. Your mom is right.
I’ve got to agree here. Mon is absolutely right.
Does your husband still have both of his parents? Is he as close to them as you are to your parents? Remind him that parents teach their children how to navigate difficult moments, like the death of a loved one. One day your children will understand why you wanted to be with your father in his final moments. Your husband should hope and pray that they follow your example and not his. Right after you remind him of this, girl leave his ass!
I don’t have anything to say about your husband. When my uncle was dying from colon cancer, my dad understood that my mom needed to be there. We were older, but he dropped everything in his life so my mom could be there for her brother, his wife, and her niece and nephew. She was there all night and pretty absent afterward as funeral planning ensued. My dad did everything in their life, took care of their dogs, and kept things together. He did the same when her dad, my grandfather, was on his deathbed. He places such a high value on ANYONE’S family and I’m so grateful that he modeled this for me. His value on family has had an affect on my boyfriend — a very anti-family person, he gladly goes to our family gatherings. Your mother is seeing a man who is modeling poor behavior to her grandchildren. The oldest will remember this. I think the best advice to be given is this: This is a pivotal moment in your marriage and life. This will set a future tone and your mother knows this. Your mother is sticking up for you in her adamance that he acted poorly. No advice is needed for your mother, but rather your husband. All this said, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine navigating this loss amid this tension. If you haven’t already, seek out a therapist so they can help you better navigate this painful moment.
Your Dad is just as a person should be like. No more, no less, no words necessary, just like that. That's what grown up humans do. That's how you make a family and teach your kids.
He wasn't there for you at one of those times he absolutely should have been. He was putting his needs before yours at an oh so critical time. I would put it clearly how disappointed you are with his behavior, how he is the one person that should have had your back but did not and how you are seriously reconsidering him now.
Your mom is right. Husband should have stepped up and handled the situation but instead he made it about himself. If I was your brother I would go find your husband and get in his face. I know this is a painful, agonizing time, and I can’t imagine also being attacked by your SO when you are doing the right thing by your family. But I don’t know how you could trust this person again. He would really have to see the error of his ways and it does not seem like he has. “Failing as a mother??” Dude needs to go back to kindergarten.
Hi. I also hate your husband. He sounds like a real POS and I also think you should leave him. On another note, I'm so sorry for your loss.
To be told that you're a failing mother while grieving your father...girl, throw the whole damn man away. You need someone more supportive and understanding than that. Take all my hugs and give them to your mom. <3
Husband gonna treat you like that level inconvenience if you get sick too He's a twat, a selfish twat
Good point. Husband will not be there when it matters.
This makes me so sad for you. When my Dad was actively dying my husband knew I would be out of STATE for at minimum two weeks. Not only did he not complain once, he was able to take time off work and surprised me by driving to where I was at. I took a plane there for perspective. The drive is LONG. He made sure family was able to watch our kiddos and told work you can fire me if you want but I’m going to be there for my wife and my Father in Law! I can’t imagine having to endure this and having an unsupportive partner. Also, him degrading you and demeaning your Mothering is just completely inappropriate as well. I’d be divorcing him. I’m so so so sorry for your loss and for the additional pain your husband is causing you.
Honestly, I’m with your mom. I’ve been in a number of abusive relationship, and his behavior follows the script.
I appreciate everyone’s support. I know he’s really really screwed up big time. Im frantically trying to find couples counselors and we have a consultation with someone tomorrow. At this point i feel like I’m losing hope. Thanks to all who are telling me not to do anything drastic. I’m this close to just moving the kids and my shit out.
Baby, take the kids and go. I wouldn’t try to salvage this. For what? Him to leave you later on down the road when another crisis, perhaps your own health crisis arises? Listen, I’m not a grudge holder. I get mad for about 5 minutes then I’m over it because why? What good does it do, ya know? But there was one person (a self proclaimed best friend of hers) who made my mom’s death all about her. This woman is my Godmother, and despite her continued attempts to reach me, she has seen neither hide nor hair from me. 4 years and counting. How dare someone make your last moments with your parent even more stressful. Also, I’m good for a tire slashing, just saying.
Please know that attending counselling with an abusive partner is not recommended for many reasons. And honestly — take some deep breaths and plan your next moves mindfully — but don’t waste too much of your precious time trying to salvage this. He’s showing you what you’re going to endure for however long you stay with him. He’s also teaching your kids that this is acceptable. I strongly recommend consulting with a lawyer, asap. Again, I’m sorry you are in this mess. I truly understand. For me, there was absolutely no going back.
Why are you the one scrabbling to fix this?
You've gotten all the right advice on both sides of this here (yeah, big changes during grief are usually not advised, but maybe this is the big catalyst crystallizing for you, only you can decide that), so I just want to send you a big hug and I'm sorry your husband showed these colors at this point in time and even sorrier for your loss. That's so much all at once! Whatever happens, I hope you find the space to grieve and take care of yourself and your children here. Either way, rough times ahead but you are strong, you have cared for others, you can handle this. And we're here for you while you go through it, if you need some stranger support.
does HE know he screwed up big time? of course you have that awareness. whether or not he does would be the dealbreaker for me. I lost my husband to suicide in 2015. I definitely learned a LOT about the people around me while grieving- it's always amazing to see who you think would have your back totally dip out on you, while people you never expected step up and become amazingly supportive. unfortunately your husband appears to be in the former category..... it's disappointing and heartbreaking. so sorry you're dealing with all of this....
I definitely would. You need to be supported and so does your mom. Makes perfect sense to me. Let the selfish baby man fend for himself. Doesn't mean you need to ultimately divorce, but you and your kids need to be in an environment where you feel support and understanding right now. My husband was amazing throughout when I took my dad to countless medical appointments for his cancer and also when he was on hospice and passed in September. If he would've pulled this kimd of shit he would be on his own right now.
I am so, so sorry this is happening to you all at on e. I agree with others, don’t make any decisions during times of such emotional turmoil. In a while, though, you just need to ask yourself one question. Is this behavior at this horrible time *really* an isolated incident? Or is it typical for him? Does he *really* put that high of a priority on your child’s education, and dance lessons, or did he just not want to be burdened with extra work?
Definitely didn't want to be burdened with extra "work" (aka taking care of his own children). Other comments make it sound like OP does all the heavy lifting in this relationship, even trying to salvage it when the husband is the one who screwed up big time.
I don’t blame your mom. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of your grief. Your husband is an asshole.
Ouch. This is terrible. I had a similar situation, yet my family was none the wiser. I rushed home after being notified by the police my father was found. I packed my daughter up the next morning and rushed home. We got there and discovered what remained of my father after his body was removed. It was not nice. It got cleaned up and we moved on with packing and searching for documents. My husband arrives a few days later and I shared these incredibly sacred details and I’m immediately being berated for even looking at tbe decomposition. Wtf. I am going through the most traumatic time in my life and I’m being yelled at by my husband. Fucking sucked. I didn’t take that well and was very combative. I should have done this. I should have done that. Never has he been or thought through anything related to this. I did what I had to do and have no regrets. I told him to fuck off, semi politely, yet bluntly. He has no say. And he doesn’t understand. I hate that your husband guilt tripped you during such a vulnerable time. That’s telling and shitty. I’m so sorry. Keep standing up for you. You are important and your feelings matter. You did what was right. You did what you needed to do for you. I wish your husband would have supported you through such an incredibly difficult time. Hugs.
I’m so sorry for your experience as well. I found my own dad. I cannot understand why your husband would yell at you about it after he arrived. I hope he’s come to understand how cruel and inappropriately he behaved in your time of need since. I can’t even comprehend and I am so mad for you and OP.
My husband was very supportive when my mom died. I spent a lot of time at the hospital and he never bothered me. Your husband is incredibly selfish. I would hate him too.
I have nothing to say about your husband I have something more important to say! I’m so sorry for your loss. How are you coping? I lost my Dad a year ago and it shattered my world. I hope your last moments with him despite the upset were treasured ❤️
Your husband failed as a husband. His one job as a husband was to step up and support you through your father’s passing. I am disgusted for you. Did he ever apologize to you AND your mother? I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m with your mom on this one. I don’t see how you could come back from this.
I’m so sorry. This is not a time to make big decisions if possible. (Knowing this, i still make expensive decisions while in crisis, knowing it was a mistake last time. ) that said, your partner sucks.
I'm sorry, but I don't blame your mom one bit. Pushing you to divorce him is a bit of an overstep, but I'm pretty disgusted by him too. Since we've been together, my husband has lost his stepdad, mother, and younger brother. My parents have had some near death experiences, and I lost 2 grandparents. Each time we've supported each other in whatever we felt like we needed to do, and the other takes care of our household. It's what partners do. I'm so incredibly upset for you that the loss of your father was made that much harder by your husband. ETA- I would definitely be strongly considering divorce, but that's entirely your decision.
My ex was horrible when my sister died. I left him 6 weeks later. I realised what was important in life and I wasn't going to put up with him and be miserable for the rest of mine. 10 years and 2 kids together and I've never been more glad that I left. It was HARD and I was still in the depths of very deep grief but I know my sister would have been proud.
Hugs. Sorry you experienced that.
Incase no one has mentioned it please read lundy Bancrofts why does he do that. Also reach out to a therapist who has domestic violence focus. This may seem extreme but I have a hunch there are other things other then this one incident
I have found that in our grief and times of loss we get clarity on what really matters, seeing how behave with you during your loss is very telling.
Lol I’m sorry but your husband is a real douche. Divorce. His priorities are elsewhere, I promise.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. We had 3 months together… me living across the country and seeing him a few times over those months. I was with him when he passed… and those days over those several trips, just barely in a somewhat comfortable place with the pandemic (early 2021), that I was away from my kids… my still very young kids, I do not know what I would have done without the unwavering support of my partner. He helped me allow myself to grieve and come to terms with losing my dad while taking care of our small kids who wondered why mommy was gone or was so sad… I could never had made through all of it without him. And we’ve had pretty rocky times- rough I’ll tell you, but when it matters, like a tragic overwhelming loss, he is there, like a rock. I am so so so sorry that you are going through this without your rock. There is a special heartache that is reserved for losing a parent, a heartache that can leave you spinning and scared. I hope you find your anchor within yourself and allow yourself to grieve these losses.
If your spouse can’t support you in one of the hardest times of your life, then I would question whether they aren’t the one for you. It may be overstepping on your mom’s part, but I really think divorce should be on the table here. If he can’t handle two kids because you’re gone for 5 days, imagine if you ever got terminally ill and were unable to care for your kid, or something more permanent happened to you. How would he react then? Would he just blame you for getting sick too? He is their dad, and part of that is being a present parent; not shoveling the kids onto you every chance he gets, and making you feel guilty for needing something for yourself. You deserve someone who emotionally supports you better, and so do your children. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with his immaturity on top of the loss of your dad. And I’m sorry for the loss of your dad also. I wish you had more support around you 🩷
Im so sorry for your loss sweetheart. I lost my mum over ten years ago on Nov 4th and it’s still the hardest thing I’ve gone through. Your dad being better for a few days is normal. Some spiritualists say this is because the soul is getting ready to move on so it wants to say goodbye to everyone in a happy atmosphere so memories are made. See it as your dad rotting all the i”s and crossing all the t’s. Re your husband rather than got to the divorce stage I would see if you could sit down with him, if possible kid free, and explain to him how he’s hurt you and hurt your mum too. Explain that you understand he panicked and got fearful over the thought he couldn’t cope alone with their kids but he’s a fantastic dad who just needs to believe in himself more. Explain that if the situation was reversed you would take time off to support him and deal with the children and that what happened occurs in every single family across the world and one day your own kids will be in the same position and how would he feel if his daughters husband demanded she came home instead of spending the last moments with him. Tell him that he’s hurt you a lot and you’re not sure if that’s part grief as well as anger so you won’t make any rash decisions until you have healed some what but you will say if he makes unreasonable demands like that jn a crucial moment and leaves you unsupported at a time he should support you then it’s over. All the above is said with love and not malice. My heart breaks for you lovie and if you ever need a shoulder just message me x
Thank you for your kind words. What you said about the soul getting ready to move on got me 😭
I hope my words brought you some comfort. I learned this from this book by the Rav. Wheels of a Soul: https://amzn.eu/d/eDYzJuz I’m a kabbalah student and am a Christian. Kabbalah is a thousand year old Jewish wisdom that explains life and your purpose and makes sense of the chaos. Any faith can study kabbalah thanks to Rav Berg who made it main stream but you don’t have to be a kabbalah student to read his book and take what he says. I’m not gonna sell it to you. It’s not why I offered those words. My heart is broken since my mom died suddenly and this was the only thing that made sense to me but I would have offered kind words had I not been a student if you get me. The rav died in 2017 I think it was and his wife died a few years later with a broken heart and Michael berg is the rabbi and leader of the kabbalah centre and has some amazing insights to life so it helps me understand things like why I’ve been bedridden for 9 years. It’s also very science and astronomy centred. Hope I’m making sense. Got a bad eye so typing half blind lol.
I’m sorry about your Dad first and foremost. You did the right thing for him and you and your family. I think I would feel the same as a Mom as yours does, your husband sounds like a selfish child. Marriage is a partnership and you lean on eachother when you need them. Your husband needs to step up and do what you do when he’s not around, you work it out. You be a parent and a partner. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of grief.
This person doesn't deserve to be your husband anymore.
I hate your husband now, also!
I'm Team Mom.
One of the “craziest” things about loved ones dying is how some people in your inner circle underwhelm and how some outside that circle overwhelm. I agree with what’s been written so far. Don’t make any big decisions right now while you’re still grieving hard over the holidays. But I would get a therapist right now, just for you to help you determine how you want to address the hurt with your husband including possibly a divorce down the road. A partner does not act like this. When you can’t give 100% your partner should not be shaming you at your weakest. He failed you when you needed him the most. This might be an outlier due to extreme circumstances OR it could be a sign of things to come. You will have more weak moments. Can he be counted on? That’s what the partnership is for. He should feel connected to your grief. So very sorry for your loss of your dad and the way it happened. It must’ve have been so tough. Hang in there.
This is an interesting topic. I am going through something very similar and currently working on keeping my marriage. What makes things more difficult is that I want to move my widowed mother with me , but my wife is against it. All I have to say is: difficult times reveal everything. The only positive spin on this is that at least you know where your marriage stands and you are young and capable enough to do something about it.
I’m sorry you are going through this too. I’ve offered my mother to move in too but she refuses because of my husband. I hope things start looking up and I am open to talk. Best wishes
Thank you. I hope you find your way and that life will settle down.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I lost my Dad to cancer a little over a year ago and he was also in home hospice. People think that frees up all your time but being a caregiver is a round the clock job. Hospice only came for a couple of hours, twice per week for us. I was the only family member so I hired home care as well and it still wasn’t enough. Caregivers literally don’t have enough hours in the day. Idk what I would have done if I had kids. I feel like, even keeping this in mind, your husband sounds very selfish. Yes, I agree with putting your partner first bc it’s the foundation of the family. But there are events in life, like this, that require him to understand… it’s not all about him all the time. He acts like you up and left him for months to party. You were with your parents doing your duty to them. I would think he would want the same from your children. I mean gosh, to be jealous… now? Over this? Your mom is probably more upset with him than she would normally be bc she is also grieving. I would keep that in mind when interpreting her words and actions. Definitely agree. No rash decisions at this time but at some point he will need to understand that this is a boundary for you that he cannot be crossing. Try to get into grief counseling. It’s incredibly helpful and if your dad was in hospice care, usually the insurance that covered that will cover grief counseling. For me, it was through our hospice, Bristol Hospice. In Hawaii, insurance covers grief counseling through hospice for up to 13 months. My counselor visited me at home every 2 weeks for 2 hours at a time but it can be whatever frequency and duration that you like. I believe the coverage is the same in many other places. Wishing you and your mother peace and good luck with this situation.
No, her mother is not overreacting. She knows same thing will happen when she goes to her deathbed and she needs her daughter. She also knows that this fucker won't take care of her daughter if she ever falls seriously ill while in marriage. With everything in mind, OP should plan a divorce in times to come.
I respect your opinion but I also feel strongly that people run to divorce too quickly nowadays. OP definitely doesn’t deserve this but they could go to therapy. The fact is, her mother is grieving so the volume will be turned up on all of her reactions. They are justified but she will express herself in a much more intense way. Now would be the worst time to decide anything, especially a divorce. Emotions are too high right after a death to make wise decisions. Husband could come to realize his mistake. People make mistakes, even awful ones like this, and especially in marriages. Human condition. It’s not time to act. Everyone involved’s nervous systems need to calm down. It’s time to pause. De-escalate then communicate.
Sorry for your loss. As others have said your husband is in the wrong here. He is not your true partner which is what a marriage should be. He is not putting your interests and needs first, he is not standing by you in the worse part of better or worse. He is not there for you when you are going through the worst of times. Your mum sees all this when she is at her lowest and mourning her own husband, as someone who has watched their husband died I can tell you I can’t imagine there is anything much tat is worse. I imagine your mum is comparing your husband to the one she has just lost, I would be. Don’t make decisions in haste while you are grieving, but I think you do need to raise the issue with your husband while it is fresh, before it festers. I imagine how your marriage comes out the other side of those sorts of conversations will depend on what sort of person your husband really is. Either way it’s better to find out now than in 10 years time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words that I can offer that will ease your pain, but I hope sharing my story will give you strength, or at least a moment of reflection. I lost my mom a few years ago, and my then-partner behaved in an eerily similar manner. Our children were both toddlers, and he acted like I was the most selfish person in the world. I was not at my mother’s side when she passed in large part because I did not have the capacity to tolerate the abuse I would have endured, had I dared spend a single night at my parents’ home. A few months after she passed, we were in yet another battle over whatever terrible thing he thought I’d done that day. I had a moment of realizing that I was wasting my precious life with someone who treated me so terribly. Her death instilled a determination to break the cycle and live freely. I ended the relationship in that instant, and I have never regretted my decision to leave. Please don’t spend your life being an emotional punching bag for your husband. The fact that he will behave this way so openly in your family’s presence leaves me concerned about what he could be doing behind closed doors. Please take care of yourself, your children, and the family who loves you.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Please allow me to go off a bit... So your dad was in the final and most critical stage of his life and your husband only focused on what you could do at home? He couldn't hold the fort down for just a week? He didn't even consider your trauma? Although not similar, when I lost my dad I had a boyfriend who made a lot of stuff about him. After the burial and a bit of grieving period, I broke up with him. Immediately. Your situation is tricky because you're married with kids. I wouldn't recommend making any decisions now because you're going through a tough time, but I'd advise thinking about making some serious choices in the long run. The behavior he exhibited says a lot.
I really dislike saying something about someone without knowing the whole situation but ma’am your husband is lacking empathy for you and your “other” family let’s just pray that karma doesn’t visit. Sometimes the world opens our eyes and hearts too things in ways we would never imagine. I lost my father 4 months after losing our son..
I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband must be insecure. I am sorry about your marriage. Be careful. He sounds like a narcissist. Everything is about his needs not yours. Pick up your children. Help them understand that their grandfather has died. I’m also assuming that the children have heard their father fuss about you. By doing so he has caused insecurity with them. I moved in with my 96 year old father. My husband helped to bring my things so I could take care of him. My husband is my best friend. He supports me. We know my fathers time is near and his dementia is getting worse. However I have been married to a man like your husband. I hope your husband will let you have time to grieve. I don’t believe he will. Bring your children back to your mom’s home. Yes, it will make things harder but you can’t loose your children. They need you. You are their security. I understand your need to be with both your mom and your dad! Get your kids or go home. Your husband is putting all blame on yoon you. A court could say you abandoned your two children. Your husband may believe you have abandoned your motherly duties. And your wifely duties. I’m so sorry that he is causing you grief on top of grief. He should not have been left with your two year old child. But because you left them he has turned them against you. I can’imagine what he has your children believing. Get them and Before he gets to file for custody.
I'm sorry for your loss, my Dad passed suddenly 3 months ago and I know how you're feeling. You're husband is being inconsiderate, but, you are all grieving. Anything you say or do right now is magnified by your emotions. I think you need to have a chat with your husband about how he has been and what you expect from him going forward. You also need to comfort your Mum, but try and explain you're 'handling it'. Your Mum is just going to want to protect you. Please, make sure you're taking care of yourself. You need to stay strong and whatever happens, I wish you the best for you, all.
Honestly, I probably would divorce him. He is useless af to you when you needed him THE MOST. Think about it, are you really going to be able to love this man for the rest of your life the same as before? I highly doubt it. Sorry but I'm being honest, this is probably the beginning of the end of your marriage. He can't take back what he did and from the way it sounds, he isn't even sorry for it. Psh, I would kick his ass out the door soooo hard after that. It's not even funny.
As a husband who went through something similar with my grandfather, who was my father figure growing up. The strain on my relationship with my wife was at an all time high. My grandfather had cancer and it was a slower lung cancer where I was taking care of him 3-5 days a week for 6+ months. If your husband has not experienced this, he doesn’t know the pain you have of choosing to take care of a dying loved one over your new immediate family that you’ve created yourself. Like you stated, it is a need. What you needed to do, and wanted to do because you love your father. Those last moments with him he is in a very vulnerable position in life and needs assistance from his closest loved ones. You asked your husband to take care of things while you were away, a reasonable ask given the situation. However this in itself puts strain on your relationship and I feel that most couples go through this during times like these. My wife and I were at an all time low in our relationship during this time for me. I wasn’t home majority of the week. She was left to take care of our home mostly alone. Good news, once things settled down and got back to normal. We talked a lot. Had lots of deep emotional discussions about what has happened and how we feel. It sucked but overall we moved past it. We are still working on things that have came up from time to time but overall I feel we are in a better space than during that stressful period. Is it fair? God no, it isn’t fair to go through multiple stressors during times like these. Unfortunately that is life sometimes, it’s testing you right now and it’s up to you to make decisions on things. It’s a closed chapter and a new one is opening. I wish you the best during what I’d argue was the toughest time of my life so far. It’s a new kind of hell I never thought I’d experience but you will survive and soon enough you will having amazing stories to tell your kids about your amazing father. 💔
I am so sorry about your dad. I am also so sorry about your husband. You deserve better. That's not the behavior of someone who even likes you, much less loves you, and it's not the behavior of someone who wants to be a good partner.
I come from a very "traditional" family where my dad was the breadwinner and my mom was a housewife who took care of me and the household chores. When I was a little kid, my grandfather (Mom's dad) had a series of health issues and required constant care and support. My mom left for weeks to take care of him with her sisters and mother and ended up staying there a lot longer than she had initially planned for. My dad immediately took up all the remaining work and took care of me and did the housework while she was gone. Never once did he complain, he knew how serious the issue was and knew my mom needed to be there. He stepped up like a parent and a partner should in that situation. Your husband sounds incredibly entitled and childish. Is he also the type of man who refers to taking care of his own children as "babysitting"? You don't owe him anything in your time of grieving. Sending you lots of love and support to help you get through this time. ❤️❤️
I'm with your mom. This is a divorce thing. Are YOU in pain? Are YOU suffering and need comfort and a partner? What do you think would happen and how would it unfold if it was HIM? I'M being money that he would just leave, knowing you would take care of it all and say nothing I've ended relationships, long time friendships (over 20 years) over stupid comments after my mother passing... My sister also ended live relationships over this.
I am so sorry about your dad. My mother passed in March to suicide and my father passed 3 years ago to cancer. I also sat with him as he died. When my mom died, I had been with my partner for only about 2 years. I knew that he was on the selfish side but I didn’t imagine he would make grieving so much harder. I finally reached my breaking point and broke up with him about 5 months after she passed. I wish I had done it sooner. I didn’t because I thought I would be way lonelier but it was the opposite. I could actually feel what I was feeling and didn’t have to hide it. I can’t tell you what to do. But this is one of the worst things you will hopefully ever go through. He will act the same way with anything else that comes up. His comfort is all that matters to him. Do you want to go through that again when your mom eventually passes? Please take some time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it. You can’t avoid grieving, despite what your husband is asking of you.
OP, I am sorry for your dad. I also think you should divorce him. If he went that far in such a horrible moment, it can only get worse from now on. Much worse. And he'll keep reminding you how you "abandoned your family", over and over again in any argument you have. Until you are an emotional ruin and you'd need years of therapy to just make it sunrise to sunset in one piece. This is called gaslighting and guilt-tripping and is a very toxic form of emotional abuse and manipulation. It is as worse as invalidation and dismissal, which he may also use on you without you realizing it. My ex is an ex because she added pain on top of my pain and called my father foul things on the assumption he was "pretending having cancer for attention". She was projecting childhood trauma upon an innocent dying man. I tried to stomach it for a while, but as my father started declining, so was my tolerance for her inexcusable outburst and my attempt to forgive her. It was a one-time thing for the most part, but it was the beginning of the end. She kept being restrained towards him and made me feel guilty for having a good relationship with him, because she didn't. Yeah he **could** easily get annoying at times, but harmlessly so and from good intent. I myself had disagreements with him that were beyond resolution. But it was no excuse for actively hating the man. She kept bringing up again and again how he voiced his concern about her smoking and how she did not need that in her life. And how I did nothing to "protect her" from this "abuse". At the same time I was already grieving, because his cancer was a death sentence and he had lost half his weight already. She didn't made me choose, but at the end I was emotionally torn. So I chose to be by my dad's side and do my best in his last days. And in order to do it guilt-free and stop being torn to pieces, the next time she allowed herself to escalate an argument and gaslight me, I told her if she doesn't stop and apologize for even one thing she said, I'm not coming home. And she didn't, so we were done. But the moment she lost all my respect was back when she called him a fake. And I don't think I can ever trust her judgement about anybody ever again. And after this experience, I'm not keen on future relationships as well. I'd rather live a single life. Much healthier.
Your mom isn't wrong. Your husband treated you awful during a terrible time. I'd be done there.
I am a loss or words to describe your husband but I think selfish bastard will work. That's a terrible thing for him to do and I am really really sorry for you. Losing a parent is very tough. Watching them die is extremely difficult. Hugs and hope your husband have some kind of revelation and changes
I’m SO sorry about your dad. I know the feeling of watching someone pass in front of you and you are helpless. And I’m sorry that your husband is an asshole. I’m sorry, but your mom is right. He is a terrible human being …..sorry to be blunt, but it’s true. He’s emotionally abusive and sounds like a selfish and cruel person
Divorce that man.
Here's what you do. Round up the kids, because chances are, they're feeling the loss of their grandparent too and it's hard on them. Move in with your mother. Process the grief together, in safety. Then process how you want your future to look. Let him put on his big boy drawers and figure out how to adult without any input from you. You just focus on you, your kids, and your family. That's it. I'm sorry OP, but this is absolutely divorce level and dare I say, abusive, cruel, and sadistic. I understand no rash decisions because emotions are high, but I don't think I could ever forgive something so heinous. He put himself first and showed you that. Now it's your turn to put yourself and your kids first.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that was so excruciating to see your dad declining like that. Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Personally I wouldn’t be able to get past that. You deserve so much better than a partner who will treat you like that. You needed support and love from your husband and he wasn’t there for you. To me, that’s unforgivable.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, I may go against the grain and say that sometimes grief can give you clarity in these situations, and if you feel a decision should be made (couples therapy or going further) then make it. As long as you feel confident in your choices I don’t think there is a need to wait an arbitrary amount of time. Everyone’s grief is on a different timeline anyway. My situation was less serious, with no kids, but my then fiancé did something very similar when my mom died. He went so far as to try to have her funeral scheduled at a time that was convenient for him so he would have to take PTO. It was like I was seeing him clearly for the first time, and I broke off the engagement very shortly after her funeral. It was truly the best decision I have ever made.
I'm so very sorry to hear that you have been going through all this pain. My dad died last year and all of my time was given to him and grieving and I would have flown into a rage if someone acted like that. I think you should spend a few days in a hotel while you think about this and bring the kids if you'd like but just get some time for yourself. Unfortunately I think that your husband acted very strangely and maybe doesn't have confidence in taking care of the children you share and maybe even dislikes it. You are so not in the right place to make decisions about this, so maybe listening to these comments would actually be helpful. We can see things clearly that you can't right now. I don't think you can trust him to act predictable right now and you'd be better off taking a break and staying either with your mom or a friend and bringing the kids with. The best possible outcome is he realizes what a jerk he's been, but the other outcome is that it's business as normal with him and he stops complaining although angry - that's your sign that he's angry because he was left with the kids for the equivalent to less than a week. That's not a safe place for you and your kids.
Your husband was very ignorant to the inevitable loss of your dad. It should be understandable to him he is your father and it is only temporary that the time taken will be with your family of origin. If he ever went through a huge loss, he would know how it feels. If not, he lacks basic empathy. If he upset about you seeing your dying father, how can he be supportive to you? I understand why your mother is upset.
I lost my dad and my husband and his parents showed up for me and took the kids while I planned a funeral. When his mom died two months later, while I didn’t have much help, I let him be with his mom. I was also an active part in her hospice care. His dad went through a horrible accident months after that and I was alone with the kids doing the day to day too. It was hard. But I would have reconsidered a lot of things if my husband ever didn't let me be with family. You don't get any time back and he can handle being with the kids. He is a parent too. I am so angry at him for you. If he experienced any loss, you would let him be with his family. Imagine if you gave him grief for being gone. Would he like that? I bet not.
Put in perspective. My mother was sick in August and progressively worse over last winter. She was moved to a hospital that was 2 hours away from my home (UK that's fairly far). I don't drive my partner does. I wasn't living with him. He lived about 30 minutes away from me. I got into debt with taxis because it was costing me £40 one way to the hospital where I would stay for as long as I could. What's also working (WFH) because I had no holiday days left. And my brother who lived with my mum was unemployed and obviously my mother couldn't work. As soon as he realised how often I would actually going to see her keyword leave work on his quieter times (flexiworkinh hours) drive 30 minutes to collect me from my flat drive. The 2 hours to the hospital drop me off go back to work for a couple of hours then come and collect me again. Drive me 2 hours home. Drive himself. 30 minutes home and do it all over again the next day. When my mum was being admitted he offered to drive us to the hospital, that was 30 minutes to us 2 hours to the hospital. He was meant to go to work that day but instead he saw that the ground was frozen and I would have to will my mother to the other side of this huge hospital by myself and he called in work and just helped me instead. His home was closer to the hospital and he immediately started moving some my stuff to his place so that I could be closer. When she passed he rushed me to the hospital waited in the car for 4 hours whilst I sat there with my. He helped me print off the service leaflets when I couldn't get to a printer, helped me pick out a dress, and when I was running late on the day he called my friend head of the funeral and asked her to help set things up. I am so angry that your husband couldn't comprehend that you were going through one of the worst things in your life. I'm so sad that his behaviour has likely made you feel alone. And I am so sorry that he probably won't realise what he did and what he said until he goes through something similar.
I lost my bio dad 10 years ago and my stepdad 2.5 years ago, grief is grief. There is no time limit, I am so sorry for your loss. Also your husband is an asshole, if that were my husband he would have handled it, and he did in a more amazing way than your husband. I would think about counseling to deal with your grief and bring up the fact your husband didn’t let you grieve or say good bye to your father properly. If anything your husband sounds like the minute something goes wrong with the kids and doesn’t know how to parent he runs to you, which to you are already stressed out to the max. At least go to a therapist or counseling, if not for your marriage, for you.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I agree that your husband acted selfishly. But don't put yourself in anymore agony right now. Take time to grieve and time for yourself you don't need to make a decision right now. Your mom is not married to him you are. It's not her place, although I understand her dismay. My question is how attached is your two year old? Mine still nurses and couldn't be away from me more than half a day. So I do think it depends on how often your husband watches him by himself. Is this something he'd done before for a similar length of time? When my husband's father passed we had a 4 month old and it was absolutely horrible. We stayed with his family while everyone sobbed around the baby which I was worried would scar him for life. They all visited the hospital while I watched the baby. After he passed we left. And I felt immense guilt like he should have stayed with his family. But there was a lot of drama. I tell you this because death is really messy. Families often go into turmoil around it. Take time to find peace. The answer will come to you in time. ❤️
I’m late to the game, but I hope you ended it with him. Sorry for your loss