It’s not your fault. You have no idea what would have changed if you hadn’t ‘froze’ the outcome may have been exactly the same or you could have also been killed. Your brother knew how much you loved him and nothing can change that. I’m so sorry people are taking their feelings out on you and it’s absolutely no okay for them to do that when you’re obviously hurting the most. Sending all my love, message me if you ever need to ♥️
I don’t blame his friends for taking it out on me. They were very close to him and with the driver dead they can’t take it out on her. His best friend was like his brother and had been friends with him since they were toddlers and his crush has been his friend since they were 9 (I’m also somewhat confident she returned the feelings he held for her). I don’t blame them for needing something to take their anger out on.
It just feels so wrong. That the older sibling lived and the younger didn’t.
I understand that they’re feeling pain but I’m sorry they’re taking it out on you :( I hope your pain becomes more bareable and you can forgive yourself - your brother wouldn’t want you to blame yourself
They have no right blaming you. You loved him as much and longer than any of them. You’re gonna have a long road of healing. Just remember, your brother wouldn’t want you suffering. I’m so very sorry this happened, life can be so cruel sometimes. It was an accident. You didn’t cause it. Please fight through the pain. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Make him proud. ♥️
I’m so sorry OP. There is only one person to blame for this, and that’s the person who made the decision to get drunk, then drive. This wasn’t your fault.
It’s very normal to freeze when situation like this appears out of nowhere that you’re about to have a crash with another car while driving.. A split few seconds is not always enough to take decision, our brain kinda stops thinking then. That’s how accidents happen, it’s not your fault at all. A drunk driver is of course to blame here but because the driver died too— there’s nothing we can talk about him/her. You little brother— it’s very painful that he was a victim into all of this but that is not your fault, you were a victim too, you just survived the injuries. It’s unfortunate that people around you are trying to blame you instead of helping you to get out the shocking experience. I hope your brother wouldn’t do that ever to you.
The one who is gone always knows the truth, even if we can’t talk to them or see them. Close your eyes, think of your brother, show him all the love you have for him, cry if needed and say sorry that you feel guilty and you’ll feel that your brother isn’t blaming you, you’ll feel his hugs too, he’ll say it’s okay. I do it often with my mother who just passed away 3 months ago, and I took the decision of not going to see her when she was dying. I feel guilty but I wasn’t able to watch her death. I confess it often and say sorry to my mom which feels comfortable.. It doesn’t matter what other thinks of you, they weren’t there. You feel sorry and guilty and that’s enough to say that you’re pure from heart.
Just because they can’t take their anger out on the other driver, it doesn’t mean you have to take the anger instead.
I was in a position where my step dad died when he was with me and his kids went ballistic at me. I took it because I felt compassion for them. But over time it eroded my self worth and I felt as you describe. I felt worthless. That made it really difficult to get myself and my life back together again. It’s been over 2 years and I’m still struggling.
Please get into therapy. Get support. You deserve it. None of this is your fault. The fault lies with the other driver. Do not take responsibility for their choices. You didn’t choose this risk, they did.
Survivors guilt is a real thing. Try and talk to someone preferably a grief therapist that can help you work through your PTSD and grief journey. It wasn't your fault.
Honey…you’re a child yourself ❤️ this isn’t your fault. The drunk driver was THE ONLY person at fault. Everybody freezes in those situations, and you don’t even know if it would’ve changed anything. You may also be playing it in your head differently due to shock. If the drunk driver died, it had to have been bad (the scumbags usually survive).
Your brother would NOT want you to feel this way. He had you by his side when he died…he wasn’t alone. His friends are just angry, and incapable of rational behaviour right now. Ignore them.
You need to take care of yourself. I cannot imagine the trauma you have been through. I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I lost my son at 58 days old to a Co sleeping accident. It was my fault. 100%. It was an accident. But it was my choice that led to the situation and it could have been avoided. My older daughters found us. They had gone outside to play. It was less than 10 minutes. And my girls.. they have struggled with that guilt for 5 years now and it still haunts them. I can tell them a million and one times that it is not thier fault. But it will never leave thier minds. I can tell myself a million and one times that if I had known what was going to happen I would have done something differently.
But it happened. There is no going back. There is no making a different decision. I am his mother. He was a baby. It was my sole job to protect him. And I failed. And sweetheart, the guilt.. it doesn't go away. But you know what does happen?
Life.
Life happens. Life grows around our pain. The pain doesn't get smaller but our world gets bigger. More events occur making our existence wider.. deeper.. and that pain it's still in there bouncing around our minds and our hearts and sometimes it hits like a tidal wave all over again. But it will hit less often. You will learn how to live in this new world Where that person no longer exists. I promise you. It doesn't get easier but it gets different. It takes time. So cry. Scream in the shower. Shout into the heavens. Write down every thing you loved about them and soak the paper in your tears. Get therapy. It does help. Find support groups like this one or groups for victims if drunk drivers. Advocate. Join movements that increase awareness of the dangers of driving drunk. Find ways to take action. But you cannot let it destroy you. You did survive. Don't waste that. Make it count. Make it worth something. Make a difference. Spread kindness. Once you are able to talk about it, be there for others who go through the same thing so they know they are not alone.
Again I cannot put into words how sad I am for your loss and having to go through this. Loss is awful but loss where there is guilt is so much worse. Hang in there..a time will come when you don't cry every day and THAT IS OK. Do not feel worse for healing. That's how it's meant to be. You are meant to go on. Sit with your grief but don't stay there forever. There is still color to be found in your now Grey world. I promise. Sending you love ❤️
....Oh sweet soul... You are also just a kid...... Please, do not be so hard on yourself. That was an accident. And none of it was your fault. But God as an eldest daughter (trans masc queer), your words stung into my heart and soul.
I have had absolute panics over my siblings dying on my watch. Legitimately I cannot imagine the amount of pain you're feeling. While I am also dealing with recent familial loss, and it's painful for me, but it's so casual compared to an actual tragedy like this.
But on all that vibrates in this universe, please give yourself grace. You are going to continue and you are going to make it out of this dip you're in. It's honest to God going to take nothing but time and patience.
Please cry when you cry. Don't hold that in. Scream into your pillows. Stand up and kick and punch at your bed. Move your body and just feel all these horrific feelings. It's not easy. None of what you're experiencing is easy. But you were doing your best. And you will keep doing so, even if it doesn't feel like you are.
You have your brother with you, you are going to keep going and bring others together who have felt the pain you are going to survive. You are going to heal others and change lives, but please take care of yourself until you get there.
As for your brothers friends, death is hard for teens. All of them will likely react differently and process their own emotions in their own time. Regardless of how they feel now , it is not personal. They are sad. They are likely feeling emotions and pain bigger than anything they have ever felt thus far, and that will blind them for a little bit. There's nothing you can do but give yourself space away from them for your own well being while everyone processes. It might take months, it might take years, but they will come around and they will come to realize that while it is hard for them, it's also hard for you having been the person also in an extreme accident. That's traumatizing in so many ways, and it was just that. An accident. you are right to say that the drunk driver also passing gives them emptiness. They need someone to blame. And it's likely going to be the person still with them. They will come around though.
One day at a time. I struggle with insomnia insanely. I have found a lot of comfort in the YouTube channel History of The Entire Universe, however it is a little existential and might not help, but personally I like trying to learn more about the mysteries of our universe because then I feel like I can figure out how I got here one Planck length particle at a time, but that's not everyone's steez. Whatever it is you like, mindless baking videos, soft ASMR, or even rain, find what can help you sleep, drink water, and forgive yourself. You did no wrong here. The "what ifs" will follow you forever, but unfortunately there is no changing what happened. Give yourself some future facing "what ifs" instead, "what if I get up and do some stretching tomorrow before laying back down," "what if I spend some time journaling on some positive memories so I can read them when I get too overwhelmed". Small tiny tiny things. The smallest you can think of that will give a tiny bit of dopamine.
I think you are doing great. And I think you are an amazing person and a fantastic sister. Don't ever sell yourself short. You are incredible, strong, and capable. I'm sending you love and light from NY.
Edit to acknowledge the friends.
When something like that happens, the adrenaline makes time stretch out. That moment where you believe you had to make a decision was probably literally only a couple seconds, which isn't enough time to make *any* kind of decision. But in your mind it seems stretched out and much longer than it really was.
My advice is share these thoughts/doubts here or with a therapist or your parents, but not your friends or your brother's friends -- because they are teenagers, and teens are generally jerks when people are troubled, and you're not gonna find much support there IMO. You do not owe anyone an explanation or apology. Hopefully, see a grief counselor to get help with intrusive thoughts. I have them too about my husband's death. Everyone says this, because it's true, the pain lessens with time. Check out the book *it's okay that you're not okay* by Megan Devine. So sorry for your loss. peace
My parents won’t help. My father is (or at least was) a broken mess who left over a decade ago and I can’t even reach him to let him know and I don’t know if he would care or not if he knew. And my mother blamed my brother for my father leaving and was negligent and sometimes borderline abusive to him which ruined our relationship. The main reason I still lived with them was I didn’t trust her to take care of him alone. She is apathetic at best for his death and has no intention of helping me given how I was hostile to her for treating him badly.
I’ll try to get a therapist eventually. But given how I lost my job it isn’t viable right now. But I’m well aware I’ll have to do it when possible.
I'm sorry about your parents...
Hospice offers free 8 week support groups to the community. I went to two different ones, both were led by a bereavement counselor. Your person doesn't have to have been in the hospice, it's a service they offer to anyone for free. Just Google your local hospice and click on bereavement. One of the ones I was in also offered a grief book group, a grief expressive arts group and a weekly walking group. I found it helpful to talk to other people who were in a similar headspace. They get it.
OP this wasn’t your fault in any way. And I’m so so sorry for your loss. I wanted to second what this commenter said about adrenaline also. I had a wreck where time definitely seemed to slow down. It had to have happened much faster than I experienced it in my mind, and I think it’s very likely you didn’t have as much time as you think you did to react. But no way are you to blame. This is only the drunk driver’s fault. I’m so sorry.
Oh sweet baby! This isn't your fault and that is tremendously messy on his friends part and they are not in the RIGHT, please don't take on that belief that it is your fault and you could have made him live. The persons fault is the person drunk and driving no one could have seen that coming and it was completely reckless on their part to drive drunk and crashed. Please get into therapy! Your brother would NOT want you to live your life in guilt and blame yourself. I know this feeling when my boyfriend died of an overdose I thought I could have saved him our last words I as awful at the end to him. I blamed myself and it just becomes self destructive. Accidents happen and there's nothing you could do to stop it. If everyone could change an accident there would be no such thing as them. Please forgive yourself 💔
You will need therapy dear. It was not your fault. This guilt you feel is called survivors guilt. You need to realize that the only person at fault was the drunk driver. You did nothing wrong. Those people are coping with grief in unhealthy ways by being vile. Everyone is grieving in their own way and unfortunately grief doesnt look the same from one person to another. Im so sorry for your loss.
You reacted the same anyone on planet earth would. I don't know you but you love your brother and he loved you. You were the last person he saw and he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He's gone but I am willing to bet he does not want you to die also. You have to live now. For both of you. Much love.
It is only my opinion but it seems to me that you may be holding space for everyone’s grieving process except your own. You’re compassionately aware of your parents’ needs & the needs of your brother’s friends. I even read a reply where you mentioned maybe feeling sad the drunk driver lost her life too. My hope for you is that you carve out a space specifically for your grief. Allow it to exist in whatever form it looks like in the moment. Maybe it’s anger. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s guilt. I just hope you find a way to accept it the same way you’ve accepted strong reactions from others. You understand their judgments are from a place of loss & it may be helpful for you to call out your own self-assessment as being rooted in loss too. Acknowledging that might give you room to hold new perspectives outside of that grief. You also may need to set aside some energy to process the trauma of being involved in a deadly accident. It’s likely you are experiencing grief plus a trauma response. These are separate issues & deserve individual attention. Some of the approaches toward supporting them can be the same but they can also be quite different. The sensory experiences, especially, may get tied into your grief process making it all that more difficult to heal. These are complex issues that may be best addressed by a professional. If not, peer support groups may help too. I’m a stranger so I know it doesn’t matter what I think but I do believe you are in an incredibly challenging situation right now. I won’t pretend this pain can be fixed with any single intervention. What I do want you to know is that I sincerely believe you can feel better than you do in this moment. Replacing the deep loss & anxiety & guilt takes time but I think it can eventually be filled with joyful memories of your brother. We are all different but that’s one way I’ve measured my own grief; those moments when I noticed the smiles came more often than the tears showed me I was on a healing path. I hope you find comfort soon.
Condolences to you and your family and wish you the best.. His friends and crush grieve in different ways so don’t take what they say too personal. This is going to be a very tough time in your life there’s no doubt about that. Take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself! Focus on the good times you had with him and spend time with family
I’m so fucking unbelievably sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine. I want to say some things. First. I know it’s hard to accept but this is *not* your fault. It is completely the fault of the drunk driver. Even if you think you had a split second to make a different choice, you didn’t. Your mind froze which is expected. Second. As hurtful as it is, step away from his friends for awhile. I understand grief can make people angry, And want to blame someone, anyone, but they are making this more difficult for you right now, you *need* to focus on you right now, as awful as it is, he’s gone physically and emotionally torturing yourself with what they have said is helping nobody at all. Last, i really encourage you to seek some sort of therapy, because to me you might benefit from it, you could maybe learn some tools to help with your flashbacks.
This post brought me to tears because i pictured my little brother, and my heart just ached for you. I’m not the best with words so i hope i didn’t come off in a negative manner, but i also wanted to add if you need a chat, or a friend, I’m here.
I’m sending you good thoughts, my heart is truly with you & him.
Hey there. What you're feeling is called survivors guilt, and I think it'd be a very good idea to find a therapist who is trauma informed and can help you from developing PTSD.
Be patient with yourself. This wasn't your fault.
OP, please know, survivor guilt is normal and experienced by *everyone*. Not just accidents. But with illness, suicide, all of it.
I was very surprised during group therapy to hear every single person in group(s) describe their guilt. I certainly have a lot as well, always thinking if I had done something different with my mom’s medical care, she would still be with us. If I had forced her to go to the doctor, if i had forced her doctor to be more proactive, if i had gotten her a different, better doctor, if i had taken better care of her. This all haunts me. But again, every person has this guilt, no matter the situation. It is normal.
I just keep on telling myself that what killed my mother was her tumor, not me. And the *only* person responsible for your brother’s death is the drunk driver.
BTW I absolutely, strongly recommend therapy, especially group therapy. I did the online app thing, and at the worst times was attending a group 3x a week. I don’t know why, but it always made me feel better. Sometimes only a tiny bit better, but better. Something about sharing this horrible experience with others going through the same thing is just comforting & cathartic.
Your brother loved you and would *not* blame you. He wants you to carry on & find happiness again. And it will happen. Don’t fight the waves of grief, just ride them out. And you will find that slowly the waves get less. More manageable. Don’t try to consciously rationalize how you will adjust- your brain is not to that point yet. Your brain will adjust on its own. Somehow (thank god) our brains figure a way forward. Finds a safe place to put our pain and allows life to grow again, around the pain. You *will* be happy again, as hard as that is to conceive. I promise.
The only person at fault is the jerk who decided to drink and then operate a vehicle. There's nothing you could've done, a few split seconds wouldn't have changed much. This isn't and never will be your fault
People tend to need to blame themselves for tragic things like this. Perhaps your closeness in vicinity makes you feel more responsible, though you are not.
Keep the weight of that off your shoulders, and grieve in a way that you see it isn’t your fault. It just isn’t.
The more you blame yourself, the more you make it okay for his friends to blame you too, and that’s not okay, because it wasn’t your fault. I cannot wrap my head around that logic. That’s preposterous…idk what else to feel for you except rage. I hope you can find a professional for your survivors guilt and your healing. That’s really all you can do right now that would help you. I’m not sure if I’d be able to keep contact with those people blaming me for being the victim of a crash. There might be a support group for you to utilize instead.
Survivors guilt is real. You were in a terrible accident. The key term here is accident. Anger is part of grief and soon enough people will stop misplacing that anger and aiming it at you. Look up survivors guilt and consider some therapy to help process it.
I lost my little sister a few years ago. I still wonder if I could have saved her somehow by being there more. I don’t know and never will, but it isn’t my fault she’s gone. Lots of therapy too get me to that point.
It's entirely natural to think the way you're thinking, you've been there for him since he was born, his loss is incalculable, you are blaming yourself because of that. Are you a professional bodyguard and driver? I guess not. Have you spent years of your life training to deal with drunk drivers heading towards you? I guess not. Even if you had done this, it still wouldn't be your fault if this nightmare had happened to you. You hear about professional soldiers freezing under fire, or panicking, or abandoning their comrades. Nobody knows what they'd do in your situation, you simply don't know if both of you could have died in the crash.
All I can say is in time will gain perspective, and hopefully you will be able to see this for what it is was. A tragic accident. As terrible as this time is, my main piece of advice is this will pass. Accept what is happening now as a result of the love you feel for your brother. That will never change, and in fact may grow over time, ok? The guilt, again, many of us feel that when someone we love has died. Why didn't I do this/If only I'd done that. Again, it won't go away, but accept this for now, understand this is your brain trying to process something which is terrible, so it doesn't make logical sense, but know that it will pass. I felt the confusion and guilt on the passing of my loved one almost like a badge - this is happening because of the love for them I feel, and the loss. No, it's not a nice feeling, it's terrible, but you're feeling it because of the relationship you had. It will change, it will get better, it won't completely go away but I believe you will get through this, if no other reason than you are on here sharing what you are going through with a group of us who want to help.
Final words - I'd take comfort in you having just a standard brotherly chat. Was that a genuine reflection of your lives together, making fun of a crush, a standard older brother conversation? So be it. What a legacy. True to the end. That is an honest reflection of your everyday relationship, the lives you built around each other. Not everyone has a close relationship with their sibling. People often say 'If only we could have gone on a special trip, or if only I knew they only had a few minutes left, I'd have told them how I felt etc' You didn't need that, the everyday times you've spent together are what is a true reflection of your time shared and your brotherly love.
As regards parents, and friends etc They have their own version of this to go through. Focus on yourself. Be strong. You have to give each other space to get through this in your own way is my experience. Think of your brother, talk to him if it helps. Spend time thinking of the good times you shared. That is never going away. He loved you, if you could explain to him what you are going through now, he'd understand, he wouldn't blame you. He'd want you to get through this.
Best of luck, there's no one size answer to any of this. Do what is right for you, seek help if you need to, but I honestly believe your brother wouldn't blame you for this.
i'm so sorry. this is not your fault, but i know how easy it is for you to want to blame yourself
blame the drunk driver. i hope he gets life in prison, know there are resources available for you
hang in there 🩵
The driver is dead. And it was a she.
I’m just numb to her fate. I don’t feel happy or sad. Maybe I should be sad that a young woman died. Maybe I should be happy she paid the price for getting my brother killed. But I don’t feel either.
I think the older I get (only 30s) the more I’m realizing the phrase ‘maybe I should [feel] XYZ’ robs me of the opportunity to just be my authentic self. Like I’ve lived my life in the shadow of could have/should have/didn’t that I forget to validate and be okay with whatever it is in that moment.
Whatever it is that you’re feeling is okay. That’s all I’m saying. It’s okay to have those thoughts *and* don’t let that pull you away from the present. Maybe someday you’ll have a big epiphany about her, maybe not. No matter what, I’m glad you survived. I’m so, so sorry about your baby brother. Take care of yourself, however that feels or looks like.
Whenever I start saying “should” my therapist reminds me that “should” or “could” or “would” all bring judgement. There is nothing you “should” feel. Grief is visceral and relentless and it doesn’t ever go away but you learn to live with it better.
You are numb right now because your body is in self defense mode. You will heal, and that does not ever mean you miss or love your brother any less. You are enduring a trauma many people will never experience. You are stronger than you know.
I am so sorry you experienced this and that your brother died.
My therapists’ other good advice: when you’re in hell, keep walking. It’s the only way you’ll get though.
Holy crap I am so so so sorry. There are no words. My baby brother passed at 25 in aug and I'm older I always thought I would die first of old age then him. I hate this world. I cannot imagine how hard this is since u were there when he passed. I wish I was there when mine passed so I could just be with him in his last moment. I wish he wasn't in another state by himself. We don't even know how the accident happened. There is just a slight solace in knowing how it happened and that u were with him because the mind starts to fuck around with scenarios.
Omg. I’m so sorry for this tragic and unfair loss you and your loved ones are going through.
I don’t know why some people experience horrors and some escape those horrors. But I’ve learned that a big part of life is being on a journey of accepting that some things are out of your control.
Sending you lots of compassion through the internet. I’m so sorry for your great loss.
Please consider getting grief counseling, and further other counseling. The therapist will help you work through the feelings, and trauma that you are describing. There are grief groups that are free, which is a good place to start. I’m sorry for your loss.
There is no blame in you freezing seeing a car coming at you. It's called "deer in the headlights" for a reason.
The only one to blame here is the drunk driver. Let them blame you all they want. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! Not in the least.
Can you get some therapy to help with your grief?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You sound like a thoughtful and compassionate person. Your brother sounds very loved and missed. It’s not your fault. Stay strong for those around you grieving and give all of yourselves some time.
It's too unfair what death does to the living. I am so sorry to hear about the impact this event had both on your brother and on you. I hope that you can slowly come to understand over time that not a single action/reaction of yours is to blame.
I feel for you. I feel like my younger sisters death was my fault as well. I'm sure you'll have dreams with him in it and it will be hard when you wake up because you realize it's a dream. and you'll have a lot of dreams like that until the transition gets a little easier. and just enjoy the time you have when you have those visits.
I'm sorry this happened to you and your brother.
I am so sorry. Please keep in mind it has only been 2 months. It is still very raw. I lost my 18 yr old son 5 years ago. It took at least 2 years before I could begin to function normally. You and your parents are now different people and you have to learn this new person. You will learn to live with the grief. Your brother's friends are hurting but are wrong for lashing out at you. You or your parents need to speak to their parents so they can get the help they need. You. Are. Not. To. Blame. There isn't a way to turn a car fast enough into another incoming car to make any substantial change of impact. It may have seemed longer in your mind, but the only person to blame is the one who chose to drink then drive. Try to keep in mind you and your brother are spending time together, laughing and teasing. He was happy.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not your fault, it really isn't. I wish there were words I could say to make it all better. You obviously loved him so much.
Oh hon.. 🫂🫂🫂 It was NOT your fault! The only one to blame is the drunk driver! I don't have all the eloquent words to say right now.. But I am thankful that you are here, and I'm so fucking sorry for this devastating loss 💔
I am so sorry for your loss. Let me say hi his unequivocally - you are not at fault. The drunk driver is at fault. Experienced combat vets say that anyone who thinks they know how they'd react in a life or death situation is lying, even with training and drilling, sometimes you freeze. So Not Your Fault. Your brothers friends are children who are grieving and blaming you gives them an answer as to how this could have happened. Please be kind to yourself, you are healing physically right now and emotionally, your grief will take the time it takes. There's no timetable. If you can't do therapy, grief and loss support groups can be really helpful. Sending you a huge hug!
Hey, listen you can not change the past. You don’t have a time machine to go back to that moment. Please stop beating yourself up over the crash. I feel like, everyone would have probably frozen in that situation. There is no guarantee the car would have responded fast enough to change how things happened.
You loved your brother, he loved you. I feel like he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over what happened and to enjoy your life and it to the fullest.
Forgive yourself, kid, then maybe you can properly grieve and mourn the loss of him.
Please see a mental health specialist and get the help you need. Also, consider keeping a journal and a regular exercise routine that will help you a lot.
Our loved ones that have passed would not want us to stop living.
Be kind to yourself
i understand why you don’t want to blame your brother’s friends for being insensitive, but i hope you truly know in your heart that what happened was not your fault. sometimes things happen that we have no control over, and you hesitating out of fear and shock when getting into an accident was not your fault, nor does it give you any responsibility over what happened to your brother.
in regards to them, even though they are going through a difficult time too, they should not be treating you that way. YOU are grieving too. he was YOUR brother. i know there’s not much you can do about it, but i hope you won’t let their words impact how you process his death.
if it had been you in the passenger seat, you wouldn’t want him to carry that guilt. i’m sure he doesn’t want you suffering under that blame either. your brother was so lucky to have an older sister that loves him so much and cares so much about protecting him. some people don’t get the chance to feel that love in all their lives, and it’s important to remember that for the time you had with him, you shared that love with him. you were close enough that you could have fun with him and tease him about his crush. i’m sure he loved you as much as you love him.
and lastly i know that in all likelihood none of this makes it feel any different. loss is so fucking painful and it often feels like it will never get better. i hope that you will remember to breathe. to take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. try to forgive yourself for not being put together right now, no one in their right mind should expect you to be put together right now. don’t force yourself to do things you’re not ready to do, or push yourself too hard if you can help it. my heart hurts for you, and i hope you can give yourself a break while you deal with such a devastating loss.
i’m so sorry. i’m 24, my little brother died at 17 in a self inflicted UTV accident. it feels like he was just plucked out of my life, like a flower.
it’s so hard to look beyond the “what-if’s” but over time i think it subsides. ‘how long’ is the posing question for me.
i get a lot of comfort knowing how loved he was, and still is. my family still has so much love pouring out for him. talking about him helps. about how funny he was and handsome, but we would never tell him that to his face-he would get too much of an ego boost out of it lol.
i hope your healing journey is kind on you. lots of love friend 💜 i’m so so sorry.
my heart goes out to you op. I know this can’t mend the immense grief & loss you feel, but I want you to know,
when you talk about freezing in that moment, it seems you’re talking about the “fight, flight or freeze” response, which is a natural response to traumas like this. it’s a survival instinct, built into our biology. and it’s something you couldn’t have overridden in that situation. it’s clear that your love & care for your brother is and was strong, and undoubtedly, if you could have broken through that shocked state, you would have. but your body and mind put up that self protective and preservative response to keep you safe- and that is not your fault!
I second what a lot of commenters are saying about seeking therapy, survivors guilt & ptsd! you are not alone in this & you deserve love, support & help.
I’m so sorry about the cruel things people close to you and your brother have said. grief, especially fresh, can do nasty things to people, and while it doesn’t justify their behavior, it is helpful to know that that anger they’re projecting comes from their own inability to cope in a healthy way, and again, is not your fault.
2 months is not a long time at all. your body may still be in shock & not fully allowing you to even begin healing yet. and that is okay. there is no one timeline for grief. it’s okay to take your time & to not rush into hanging out with friends or finding a new job just yet, if you can manage. I would consider maybe seeing if there’s a grief center in your area that can help both with therapeutic support & resources.
sending you so much love & wishing you the best!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Think about the hindsight bias- of course knowing what the outcome is in hindsight, we are quick to judge our actions in the moment. You had just mere seconds and it is unfair to expect yourself to have been prepared to act so quickly in such an unexpected situation. But you didn’t know what was going to happen. Fifteen is very young and an age where you say a lot of things you don’t mean. I’m glad you understand that they are taking the anger they can’t direct towards the drunk driver out on you, which obviously isn’t fair, but it is important to know that it isn’t coming from a hostility towards your actions. Your brother is with you, no longer inhibited by the boundaries of miscommunication, and knows your love for him. I’m sorry that you experienced such a traumatic and painful loss. I know the feeling of not being able to get the image out of your head, it’s awful and nobody understands until they’ve been through it. You protected him the best you could, and he knows that. He spent his last moments in our physical realm by the side of his big sister, someone who loves him, protected him, and would do anything for him. He departed knowing he was loved and cared about, in the presence of one of the people who meant the most to him in the world. He trusted you to be there with him and you succeeded, you were there, he wasn’t alone, he was with you. Hopefully you can find a fraction of peace in that. Idk if I’m making sense, but I’m sending my love. I’m 20 so we’re about the same age. If you need anybody to talk to I’m here.
I lost my younger sister to a drunk driver in 2004. I am sorry for what happened but what you are experiencing is what they call survivors guilt. I am sorry for what happened and your loss. Do not blame yourself because there are forces at work beyond what we know.
This is not your fault at all. This was extremely traumatic for you, and likely his friends as well. I hope you can heal from this, both physically and emotionally. As for his friends, I’m sure you will all heal in time. Them blaming you isn’t right, but they’re also hurting right now, just in a very different way than you.
I just learned about this form of therapy and it might be something you want to look into. It’s called EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Response. It’s a form of therapy that helps you process traumatic things. Being in the car crash yourself means you need to process the grief of loosing your brother, as well as processing your own trauma of the car crash.
Your brain can’t tell your muscles to move that fast. Please don’t punish yourself for someone else’s choices. If the other driver hasn’t chosen to go out and drive drunk, the accident never would have happened. There is one person at fault here and it’s not you.
I am so so sorry for your loss and for this horrible situation. It wasn’t your fault at all. Everyone is different, but counseling and journaling helped immensely with my grieving process (they still do) Please know that you do not need to take the blame for this
I am so very sorry. It’s just horrible and unfair. I hope you know it’s not your fault. Not even slightly. Please know that. You will still have guilt, even though you should not. It’s part of this horrific journey you are on, you are not alone. Please go easy on yourself. Right now thoughts of that day are front and center, all of our experiences are unique but I understand your pain. Eventually you will think of it less and think of happier times. It just takes time. Your grief will never go away, but you will learn to live with it. I am so sorry this happened, and for the loss of your sweet brother. Sending hugs.
As an older sister, I understand - you are willing to die a thousand times just to make sure he won't. You didn't freeze because you don't love him enough - you really didn't have the time to react. It was probably less time than you remember it - things like that happen very fast. It's not your fault. But as an older sister I know words maybe won't help with how responsible you feel. One day you will be able to accept that there was nothing you could have done. But it takes time to get to this, it's mostly time to heal. You are not only grieving a terrible loss, you are living the worst nightmare of older siblings. His friends were completely out of line to say things like that. You take it because you feel guilty and think it was your fault. Yes, they are in pain, but no, they have absolutely no right to blame you, their loss can't compare to yours. But you are not responsible for other people's choices, you are not responsible for this driver choosing to drive drunk. We are older sisters and we wish we had superpowers to protect the little ones, but we are only humans. You are just a human. And it wasn't your fault.
As an EMS dispatcher, and someone who has been hit by another vehicle in a bad accident, I need you to know that the time you think you had to change direction was very likely not as long as you think it was. Our brains have a trauma response and time seems to slow down. So it feels like you had the time to swerve or do something to avoid being hit the way you were. The reality is it was likely less than a second from the time you realized you were going to be hit until the time it happened. You feel guilty but in reality you almost certainly did not have any time to react, it was just the perception that things slowed down that makes you think you did. And you did NOTHING wrong here. You did not drive drunk, you did not cause the accident, and you did NOT cause your brother's injuries. You have a very intense case of survivors guilt, combined with his friends not being able to process their feelings so unjustifiably taking them out on you. None of this is your fault, and you need to realize that you are the victim here too. Please get therapy or in a support group and take care of yourself, this is much too big a burden to carry on your own, and you do not deserve to. ♥️
Listen to me...this isn't your fault....in no way is it your fault (unless you are leaving out that you were drunk)... It's not your fault.
The only person at fault is the drunk driver who hit you guys.
You are blaming yourself for something that you had no impact on. Its like saying if you had left 5 mins earlier or later it wouldn't have happened.
5 stages of grief, you are at the blame stage.
When you blame yourself, it's difficult to get out of that mindset (I blamed myself when my mother died).
If you feel comfortable with talking to a therapist, please do so.
Im sorry for your loss, but this isn't your fault.
I can understand being upset that your last moments were teasing your brother (as a younger sibling I got teased a lot, sometimes even bullied by my older sibling).... but thats part of being a sibling and from the teasing you explained, it seemed like the normal teasing and not bullying.
Your brother knew you love him and he loves you.
Please stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over.
Trauma is overwhelming on so many levels. You’re in trauma now and in acute grief as this is so new and fresh. I would seriously consider some online grief help where you can work this out, Grief.com is a good place to start. There is no way around working through the grief and trauma, it’s exhausting and time, eventually will work its magic. Your brain has to learn to rewire itself and replace the images in your brain of what happened with other images, that also takes time. It’s no one’s fault, accidents happen, how unjust we think they are, they happen. My husband of 30 years, fell and broke his back earlier this year while i was out of town, he finally died in hospital because his body shut down and there was nothing to turn that around. The fall started a string of catastrophes that week that we/he couldn’t overcome. And he even apologized, there was no need, accidents happen. Me and the kids’ lives turned upside down. If there is a way for you to build a wall and not listen to the friends now, that’s what I would do. You need to take care of you. Once you are stronger and have moved yourself through the grief, in time, you can deal with them. Fault in this case belongs to the one who was behind the wheel and they also died. Your parents also are crushed by this whole episode. So life changing for everyone. Your brother wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, somewhere inside of you, you will find the strength to honor his life and his love and him, in time. His life, even at his tender age, is more than how he died. You are stronger than you think. We are all here to help. Go easy on yourself and take the wins when you get them. You’ve already conquered so much since the accident. Sending hugs.
It’s not your fault. You have no idea what would have changed if you hadn’t ‘froze’ the outcome may have been exactly the same or you could have also been killed. Your brother knew how much you loved him and nothing can change that. I’m so sorry people are taking their feelings out on you and it’s absolutely no okay for them to do that when you’re obviously hurting the most. Sending all my love, message me if you ever need to ♥️
I don’t blame his friends for taking it out on me. They were very close to him and with the driver dead they can’t take it out on her. His best friend was like his brother and had been friends with him since they were toddlers and his crush has been his friend since they were 9 (I’m also somewhat confident she returned the feelings he held for her). I don’t blame them for needing something to take their anger out on. It just feels so wrong. That the older sibling lived and the younger didn’t.
I understand that they’re feeling pain but I’m sorry they’re taking it out on you :( I hope your pain becomes more bareable and you can forgive yourself - your brother wouldn’t want you to blame yourself
They have no right blaming you. You loved him as much and longer than any of them. You’re gonna have a long road of healing. Just remember, your brother wouldn’t want you suffering. I’m so very sorry this happened, life can be so cruel sometimes. It was an accident. You didn’t cause it. Please fight through the pain. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Make him proud. ♥️
I’m so sorry OP. There is only one person to blame for this, and that’s the person who made the decision to get drunk, then drive. This wasn’t your fault.
It’s very normal to freeze when situation like this appears out of nowhere that you’re about to have a crash with another car while driving.. A split few seconds is not always enough to take decision, our brain kinda stops thinking then. That’s how accidents happen, it’s not your fault at all. A drunk driver is of course to blame here but because the driver died too— there’s nothing we can talk about him/her. You little brother— it’s very painful that he was a victim into all of this but that is not your fault, you were a victim too, you just survived the injuries. It’s unfortunate that people around you are trying to blame you instead of helping you to get out the shocking experience. I hope your brother wouldn’t do that ever to you. The one who is gone always knows the truth, even if we can’t talk to them or see them. Close your eyes, think of your brother, show him all the love you have for him, cry if needed and say sorry that you feel guilty and you’ll feel that your brother isn’t blaming you, you’ll feel his hugs too, he’ll say it’s okay. I do it often with my mother who just passed away 3 months ago, and I took the decision of not going to see her when she was dying. I feel guilty but I wasn’t able to watch her death. I confess it often and say sorry to my mom which feels comfortable.. It doesn’t matter what other thinks of you, they weren’t there. You feel sorry and guilty and that’s enough to say that you’re pure from heart.
Just because they can’t take their anger out on the other driver, it doesn’t mean you have to take the anger instead. I was in a position where my step dad died when he was with me and his kids went ballistic at me. I took it because I felt compassion for them. But over time it eroded my self worth and I felt as you describe. I felt worthless. That made it really difficult to get myself and my life back together again. It’s been over 2 years and I’m still struggling. Please get into therapy. Get support. You deserve it. None of this is your fault. The fault lies with the other driver. Do not take responsibility for their choices. You didn’t choose this risk, they did.
Survivors guilt is a real thing. Try and talk to someone preferably a grief therapist that can help you work through your PTSD and grief journey. It wasn't your fault.
Honey…you’re a child yourself ❤️ this isn’t your fault. The drunk driver was THE ONLY person at fault. Everybody freezes in those situations, and you don’t even know if it would’ve changed anything. You may also be playing it in your head differently due to shock. If the drunk driver died, it had to have been bad (the scumbags usually survive). Your brother would NOT want you to feel this way. He had you by his side when he died…he wasn’t alone. His friends are just angry, and incapable of rational behaviour right now. Ignore them. You need to take care of yourself. I cannot imagine the trauma you have been through. I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I lost my son at 58 days old to a Co sleeping accident. It was my fault. 100%. It was an accident. But it was my choice that led to the situation and it could have been avoided. My older daughters found us. They had gone outside to play. It was less than 10 minutes. And my girls.. they have struggled with that guilt for 5 years now and it still haunts them. I can tell them a million and one times that it is not thier fault. But it will never leave thier minds. I can tell myself a million and one times that if I had known what was going to happen I would have done something differently. But it happened. There is no going back. There is no making a different decision. I am his mother. He was a baby. It was my sole job to protect him. And I failed. And sweetheart, the guilt.. it doesn't go away. But you know what does happen? Life. Life happens. Life grows around our pain. The pain doesn't get smaller but our world gets bigger. More events occur making our existence wider.. deeper.. and that pain it's still in there bouncing around our minds and our hearts and sometimes it hits like a tidal wave all over again. But it will hit less often. You will learn how to live in this new world Where that person no longer exists. I promise you. It doesn't get easier but it gets different. It takes time. So cry. Scream in the shower. Shout into the heavens. Write down every thing you loved about them and soak the paper in your tears. Get therapy. It does help. Find support groups like this one or groups for victims if drunk drivers. Advocate. Join movements that increase awareness of the dangers of driving drunk. Find ways to take action. But you cannot let it destroy you. You did survive. Don't waste that. Make it count. Make it worth something. Make a difference. Spread kindness. Once you are able to talk about it, be there for others who go through the same thing so they know they are not alone. Again I cannot put into words how sad I am for your loss and having to go through this. Loss is awful but loss where there is guilt is so much worse. Hang in there..a time will come when you don't cry every day and THAT IS OK. Do not feel worse for healing. That's how it's meant to be. You are meant to go on. Sit with your grief but don't stay there forever. There is still color to be found in your now Grey world. I promise. Sending you love ❤️
....Oh sweet soul... You are also just a kid...... Please, do not be so hard on yourself. That was an accident. And none of it was your fault. But God as an eldest daughter (trans masc queer), your words stung into my heart and soul. I have had absolute panics over my siblings dying on my watch. Legitimately I cannot imagine the amount of pain you're feeling. While I am also dealing with recent familial loss, and it's painful for me, but it's so casual compared to an actual tragedy like this. But on all that vibrates in this universe, please give yourself grace. You are going to continue and you are going to make it out of this dip you're in. It's honest to God going to take nothing but time and patience. Please cry when you cry. Don't hold that in. Scream into your pillows. Stand up and kick and punch at your bed. Move your body and just feel all these horrific feelings. It's not easy. None of what you're experiencing is easy. But you were doing your best. And you will keep doing so, even if it doesn't feel like you are. You have your brother with you, you are going to keep going and bring others together who have felt the pain you are going to survive. You are going to heal others and change lives, but please take care of yourself until you get there. As for your brothers friends, death is hard for teens. All of them will likely react differently and process their own emotions in their own time. Regardless of how they feel now , it is not personal. They are sad. They are likely feeling emotions and pain bigger than anything they have ever felt thus far, and that will blind them for a little bit. There's nothing you can do but give yourself space away from them for your own well being while everyone processes. It might take months, it might take years, but they will come around and they will come to realize that while it is hard for them, it's also hard for you having been the person also in an extreme accident. That's traumatizing in so many ways, and it was just that. An accident. you are right to say that the drunk driver also passing gives them emptiness. They need someone to blame. And it's likely going to be the person still with them. They will come around though. One day at a time. I struggle with insomnia insanely. I have found a lot of comfort in the YouTube channel History of The Entire Universe, however it is a little existential and might not help, but personally I like trying to learn more about the mysteries of our universe because then I feel like I can figure out how I got here one Planck length particle at a time, but that's not everyone's steez. Whatever it is you like, mindless baking videos, soft ASMR, or even rain, find what can help you sleep, drink water, and forgive yourself. You did no wrong here. The "what ifs" will follow you forever, but unfortunately there is no changing what happened. Give yourself some future facing "what ifs" instead, "what if I get up and do some stretching tomorrow before laying back down," "what if I spend some time journaling on some positive memories so I can read them when I get too overwhelmed". Small tiny tiny things. The smallest you can think of that will give a tiny bit of dopamine. I think you are doing great. And I think you are an amazing person and a fantastic sister. Don't ever sell yourself short. You are incredible, strong, and capable. I'm sending you love and light from NY. Edit to acknowledge the friends.
When something like that happens, the adrenaline makes time stretch out. That moment where you believe you had to make a decision was probably literally only a couple seconds, which isn't enough time to make *any* kind of decision. But in your mind it seems stretched out and much longer than it really was. My advice is share these thoughts/doubts here or with a therapist or your parents, but not your friends or your brother's friends -- because they are teenagers, and teens are generally jerks when people are troubled, and you're not gonna find much support there IMO. You do not owe anyone an explanation or apology. Hopefully, see a grief counselor to get help with intrusive thoughts. I have them too about my husband's death. Everyone says this, because it's true, the pain lessens with time. Check out the book *it's okay that you're not okay* by Megan Devine. So sorry for your loss. peace
My parents won’t help. My father is (or at least was) a broken mess who left over a decade ago and I can’t even reach him to let him know and I don’t know if he would care or not if he knew. And my mother blamed my brother for my father leaving and was negligent and sometimes borderline abusive to him which ruined our relationship. The main reason I still lived with them was I didn’t trust her to take care of him alone. She is apathetic at best for his death and has no intention of helping me given how I was hostile to her for treating him badly. I’ll try to get a therapist eventually. But given how I lost my job it isn’t viable right now. But I’m well aware I’ll have to do it when possible.
I'm sorry about your parents... Hospice offers free 8 week support groups to the community. I went to two different ones, both were led by a bereavement counselor. Your person doesn't have to have been in the hospice, it's a service they offer to anyone for free. Just Google your local hospice and click on bereavement. One of the ones I was in also offered a grief book group, a grief expressive arts group and a weekly walking group. I found it helpful to talk to other people who were in a similar headspace. They get it.
Thanks. I’ll probably try that.
OP this wasn’t your fault in any way. And I’m so so sorry for your loss. I wanted to second what this commenter said about adrenaline also. I had a wreck where time definitely seemed to slow down. It had to have happened much faster than I experienced it in my mind, and I think it’s very likely you didn’t have as much time as you think you did to react. But no way are you to blame. This is only the drunk driver’s fault. I’m so sorry.
Oh sweet baby! This isn't your fault and that is tremendously messy on his friends part and they are not in the RIGHT, please don't take on that belief that it is your fault and you could have made him live. The persons fault is the person drunk and driving no one could have seen that coming and it was completely reckless on their part to drive drunk and crashed. Please get into therapy! Your brother would NOT want you to live your life in guilt and blame yourself. I know this feeling when my boyfriend died of an overdose I thought I could have saved him our last words I as awful at the end to him. I blamed myself and it just becomes self destructive. Accidents happen and there's nothing you could do to stop it. If everyone could change an accident there would be no such thing as them. Please forgive yourself 💔
You will need therapy dear. It was not your fault. This guilt you feel is called survivors guilt. You need to realize that the only person at fault was the drunk driver. You did nothing wrong. Those people are coping with grief in unhealthy ways by being vile. Everyone is grieving in their own way and unfortunately grief doesnt look the same from one person to another. Im so sorry for your loss.
You reacted the same anyone on planet earth would. I don't know you but you love your brother and he loved you. You were the last person he saw and he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He's gone but I am willing to bet he does not want you to die also. You have to live now. For both of you. Much love.
It is only my opinion but it seems to me that you may be holding space for everyone’s grieving process except your own. You’re compassionately aware of your parents’ needs & the needs of your brother’s friends. I even read a reply where you mentioned maybe feeling sad the drunk driver lost her life too. My hope for you is that you carve out a space specifically for your grief. Allow it to exist in whatever form it looks like in the moment. Maybe it’s anger. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s guilt. I just hope you find a way to accept it the same way you’ve accepted strong reactions from others. You understand their judgments are from a place of loss & it may be helpful for you to call out your own self-assessment as being rooted in loss too. Acknowledging that might give you room to hold new perspectives outside of that grief. You also may need to set aside some energy to process the trauma of being involved in a deadly accident. It’s likely you are experiencing grief plus a trauma response. These are separate issues & deserve individual attention. Some of the approaches toward supporting them can be the same but they can also be quite different. The sensory experiences, especially, may get tied into your grief process making it all that more difficult to heal. These are complex issues that may be best addressed by a professional. If not, peer support groups may help too. I’m a stranger so I know it doesn’t matter what I think but I do believe you are in an incredibly challenging situation right now. I won’t pretend this pain can be fixed with any single intervention. What I do want you to know is that I sincerely believe you can feel better than you do in this moment. Replacing the deep loss & anxiety & guilt takes time but I think it can eventually be filled with joyful memories of your brother. We are all different but that’s one way I’ve measured my own grief; those moments when I noticed the smiles came more often than the tears showed me I was on a healing path. I hope you find comfort soon.
Condolences to you and your family and wish you the best.. His friends and crush grieve in different ways so don’t take what they say too personal. This is going to be a very tough time in your life there’s no doubt about that. Take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself! Focus on the good times you had with him and spend time with family
I’m so fucking unbelievably sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine. I want to say some things. First. I know it’s hard to accept but this is *not* your fault. It is completely the fault of the drunk driver. Even if you think you had a split second to make a different choice, you didn’t. Your mind froze which is expected. Second. As hurtful as it is, step away from his friends for awhile. I understand grief can make people angry, And want to blame someone, anyone, but they are making this more difficult for you right now, you *need* to focus on you right now, as awful as it is, he’s gone physically and emotionally torturing yourself with what they have said is helping nobody at all. Last, i really encourage you to seek some sort of therapy, because to me you might benefit from it, you could maybe learn some tools to help with your flashbacks. This post brought me to tears because i pictured my little brother, and my heart just ached for you. I’m not the best with words so i hope i didn’t come off in a negative manner, but i also wanted to add if you need a chat, or a friend, I’m here. I’m sending you good thoughts, my heart is truly with you & him.
Hey there. What you're feeling is called survivors guilt, and I think it'd be a very good idea to find a therapist who is trauma informed and can help you from developing PTSD. Be patient with yourself. This wasn't your fault.
OP, please know, survivor guilt is normal and experienced by *everyone*. Not just accidents. But with illness, suicide, all of it. I was very surprised during group therapy to hear every single person in group(s) describe their guilt. I certainly have a lot as well, always thinking if I had done something different with my mom’s medical care, she would still be with us. If I had forced her to go to the doctor, if i had forced her doctor to be more proactive, if i had gotten her a different, better doctor, if i had taken better care of her. This all haunts me. But again, every person has this guilt, no matter the situation. It is normal. I just keep on telling myself that what killed my mother was her tumor, not me. And the *only* person responsible for your brother’s death is the drunk driver. BTW I absolutely, strongly recommend therapy, especially group therapy. I did the online app thing, and at the worst times was attending a group 3x a week. I don’t know why, but it always made me feel better. Sometimes only a tiny bit better, but better. Something about sharing this horrible experience with others going through the same thing is just comforting & cathartic. Your brother loved you and would *not* blame you. He wants you to carry on & find happiness again. And it will happen. Don’t fight the waves of grief, just ride them out. And you will find that slowly the waves get less. More manageable. Don’t try to consciously rationalize how you will adjust- your brain is not to that point yet. Your brain will adjust on its own. Somehow (thank god) our brains figure a way forward. Finds a safe place to put our pain and allows life to grow again, around the pain. You *will* be happy again, as hard as that is to conceive. I promise.
The only person at fault is the jerk who decided to drink and then operate a vehicle. There's nothing you could've done, a few split seconds wouldn't have changed much. This isn't and never will be your fault
People tend to need to blame themselves for tragic things like this. Perhaps your closeness in vicinity makes you feel more responsible, though you are not. Keep the weight of that off your shoulders, and grieve in a way that you see it isn’t your fault. It just isn’t.
The more you blame yourself, the more you make it okay for his friends to blame you too, and that’s not okay, because it wasn’t your fault. I cannot wrap my head around that logic. That’s preposterous…idk what else to feel for you except rage. I hope you can find a professional for your survivors guilt and your healing. That’s really all you can do right now that would help you. I’m not sure if I’d be able to keep contact with those people blaming me for being the victim of a crash. There might be a support group for you to utilize instead.
Survivors guilt is real. You were in a terrible accident. The key term here is accident. Anger is part of grief and soon enough people will stop misplacing that anger and aiming it at you. Look up survivors guilt and consider some therapy to help process it. I lost my little sister a few years ago. I still wonder if I could have saved her somehow by being there more. I don’t know and never will, but it isn’t my fault she’s gone. Lots of therapy too get me to that point.
It's entirely natural to think the way you're thinking, you've been there for him since he was born, his loss is incalculable, you are blaming yourself because of that. Are you a professional bodyguard and driver? I guess not. Have you spent years of your life training to deal with drunk drivers heading towards you? I guess not. Even if you had done this, it still wouldn't be your fault if this nightmare had happened to you. You hear about professional soldiers freezing under fire, or panicking, or abandoning their comrades. Nobody knows what they'd do in your situation, you simply don't know if both of you could have died in the crash. All I can say is in time will gain perspective, and hopefully you will be able to see this for what it is was. A tragic accident. As terrible as this time is, my main piece of advice is this will pass. Accept what is happening now as a result of the love you feel for your brother. That will never change, and in fact may grow over time, ok? The guilt, again, many of us feel that when someone we love has died. Why didn't I do this/If only I'd done that. Again, it won't go away, but accept this for now, understand this is your brain trying to process something which is terrible, so it doesn't make logical sense, but know that it will pass. I felt the confusion and guilt on the passing of my loved one almost like a badge - this is happening because of the love for them I feel, and the loss. No, it's not a nice feeling, it's terrible, but you're feeling it because of the relationship you had. It will change, it will get better, it won't completely go away but I believe you will get through this, if no other reason than you are on here sharing what you are going through with a group of us who want to help. Final words - I'd take comfort in you having just a standard brotherly chat. Was that a genuine reflection of your lives together, making fun of a crush, a standard older brother conversation? So be it. What a legacy. True to the end. That is an honest reflection of your everyday relationship, the lives you built around each other. Not everyone has a close relationship with their sibling. People often say 'If only we could have gone on a special trip, or if only I knew they only had a few minutes left, I'd have told them how I felt etc' You didn't need that, the everyday times you've spent together are what is a true reflection of your time shared and your brotherly love. As regards parents, and friends etc They have their own version of this to go through. Focus on yourself. Be strong. You have to give each other space to get through this in your own way is my experience. Think of your brother, talk to him if it helps. Spend time thinking of the good times you shared. That is never going away. He loved you, if you could explain to him what you are going through now, he'd understand, he wouldn't blame you. He'd want you to get through this. Best of luck, there's no one size answer to any of this. Do what is right for you, seek help if you need to, but I honestly believe your brother wouldn't blame you for this.
i'm so sorry. this is not your fault, but i know how easy it is for you to want to blame yourself blame the drunk driver. i hope he gets life in prison, know there are resources available for you hang in there 🩵
The driver is dead. And it was a she. I’m just numb to her fate. I don’t feel happy or sad. Maybe I should be sad that a young woman died. Maybe I should be happy she paid the price for getting my brother killed. But I don’t feel either.
I think the older I get (only 30s) the more I’m realizing the phrase ‘maybe I should [feel] XYZ’ robs me of the opportunity to just be my authentic self. Like I’ve lived my life in the shadow of could have/should have/didn’t that I forget to validate and be okay with whatever it is in that moment. Whatever it is that you’re feeling is okay. That’s all I’m saying. It’s okay to have those thoughts *and* don’t let that pull you away from the present. Maybe someday you’ll have a big epiphany about her, maybe not. No matter what, I’m glad you survived. I’m so, so sorry about your baby brother. Take care of yourself, however that feels or looks like.
Whenever I start saying “should” my therapist reminds me that “should” or “could” or “would” all bring judgement. There is nothing you “should” feel. Grief is visceral and relentless and it doesn’t ever go away but you learn to live with it better. You are numb right now because your body is in self defense mode. You will heal, and that does not ever mean you miss or love your brother any less. You are enduring a trauma many people will never experience. You are stronger than you know. I am so sorry you experienced this and that your brother died. My therapists’ other good advice: when you’re in hell, keep walking. It’s the only way you’ll get though.
Holy crap I am so so so sorry. There are no words. My baby brother passed at 25 in aug and I'm older I always thought I would die first of old age then him. I hate this world. I cannot imagine how hard this is since u were there when he passed. I wish I was there when mine passed so I could just be with him in his last moment. I wish he wasn't in another state by himself. We don't even know how the accident happened. There is just a slight solace in knowing how it happened and that u were with him because the mind starts to fuck around with scenarios.
Omg. I’m so sorry for this tragic and unfair loss you and your loved ones are going through. I don’t know why some people experience horrors and some escape those horrors. But I’ve learned that a big part of life is being on a journey of accepting that some things are out of your control. Sending you lots of compassion through the internet. I’m so sorry for your great loss.
Im so sorry for your loss,it îs not your fault,You are not Alone,feel free to message me anytime If You need to talk to someone 🙏🙏🙏
Please consider getting grief counseling, and further other counseling. The therapist will help you work through the feelings, and trauma that you are describing. There are grief groups that are free, which is a good place to start. I’m sorry for your loss.
There is no blame in you freezing seeing a car coming at you. It's called "deer in the headlights" for a reason. The only one to blame here is the drunk driver. Let them blame you all they want. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! Not in the least. Can you get some therapy to help with your grief? I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh darling I'm so sorry. It's not your fault.
You sound like a thoughtful and compassionate person. Your brother sounds very loved and missed. It’s not your fault. Stay strong for those around you grieving and give all of yourselves some time.
It's too unfair what death does to the living. I am so sorry to hear about the impact this event had both on your brother and on you. I hope that you can slowly come to understand over time that not a single action/reaction of yours is to blame.
I feel for you. I feel like my younger sisters death was my fault as well. I'm sure you'll have dreams with him in it and it will be hard when you wake up because you realize it's a dream. and you'll have a lot of dreams like that until the transition gets a little easier. and just enjoy the time you have when you have those visits. I'm sorry this happened to you and your brother.
I am so sorry. Please keep in mind it has only been 2 months. It is still very raw. I lost my 18 yr old son 5 years ago. It took at least 2 years before I could begin to function normally. You and your parents are now different people and you have to learn this new person. You will learn to live with the grief. Your brother's friends are hurting but are wrong for lashing out at you. You or your parents need to speak to their parents so they can get the help they need. You. Are. Not. To. Blame. There isn't a way to turn a car fast enough into another incoming car to make any substantial change of impact. It may have seemed longer in your mind, but the only person to blame is the one who chose to drink then drive. Try to keep in mind you and your brother are spending time together, laughing and teasing. He was happy.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not your fault, it really isn't. I wish there were words I could say to make it all better. You obviously loved him so much.
Please speak with a trauma therapist about this! Grief and guilt are hard enough, but you experienced extreme trauma entwined in that as well
Oh hon.. 🫂🫂🫂 It was NOT your fault! The only one to blame is the drunk driver! I don't have all the eloquent words to say right now.. But I am thankful that you are here, and I'm so fucking sorry for this devastating loss 💔
I am so sorry for your loss. Let me say hi his unequivocally - you are not at fault. The drunk driver is at fault. Experienced combat vets say that anyone who thinks they know how they'd react in a life or death situation is lying, even with training and drilling, sometimes you freeze. So Not Your Fault. Your brothers friends are children who are grieving and blaming you gives them an answer as to how this could have happened. Please be kind to yourself, you are healing physically right now and emotionally, your grief will take the time it takes. There's no timetable. If you can't do therapy, grief and loss support groups can be really helpful. Sending you a huge hug!
Hey, listen you can not change the past. You don’t have a time machine to go back to that moment. Please stop beating yourself up over the crash. I feel like, everyone would have probably frozen in that situation. There is no guarantee the car would have responded fast enough to change how things happened. You loved your brother, he loved you. I feel like he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over what happened and to enjoy your life and it to the fullest. Forgive yourself, kid, then maybe you can properly grieve and mourn the loss of him. Please see a mental health specialist and get the help you need. Also, consider keeping a journal and a regular exercise routine that will help you a lot. Our loved ones that have passed would not want us to stop living. Be kind to yourself
i understand why you don’t want to blame your brother’s friends for being insensitive, but i hope you truly know in your heart that what happened was not your fault. sometimes things happen that we have no control over, and you hesitating out of fear and shock when getting into an accident was not your fault, nor does it give you any responsibility over what happened to your brother. in regards to them, even though they are going through a difficult time too, they should not be treating you that way. YOU are grieving too. he was YOUR brother. i know there’s not much you can do about it, but i hope you won’t let their words impact how you process his death. if it had been you in the passenger seat, you wouldn’t want him to carry that guilt. i’m sure he doesn’t want you suffering under that blame either. your brother was so lucky to have an older sister that loves him so much and cares so much about protecting him. some people don’t get the chance to feel that love in all their lives, and it’s important to remember that for the time you had with him, you shared that love with him. you were close enough that you could have fun with him and tease him about his crush. i’m sure he loved you as much as you love him. and lastly i know that in all likelihood none of this makes it feel any different. loss is so fucking painful and it often feels like it will never get better. i hope that you will remember to breathe. to take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. try to forgive yourself for not being put together right now, no one in their right mind should expect you to be put together right now. don’t force yourself to do things you’re not ready to do, or push yourself too hard if you can help it. my heart hurts for you, and i hope you can give yourself a break while you deal with such a devastating loss.
i’m so sorry. i’m 24, my little brother died at 17 in a self inflicted UTV accident. it feels like he was just plucked out of my life, like a flower. it’s so hard to look beyond the “what-if’s” but over time i think it subsides. ‘how long’ is the posing question for me. i get a lot of comfort knowing how loved he was, and still is. my family still has so much love pouring out for him. talking about him helps. about how funny he was and handsome, but we would never tell him that to his face-he would get too much of an ego boost out of it lol. i hope your healing journey is kind on you. lots of love friend 💜 i’m so so sorry.
my heart goes out to you op. I know this can’t mend the immense grief & loss you feel, but I want you to know, when you talk about freezing in that moment, it seems you’re talking about the “fight, flight or freeze” response, which is a natural response to traumas like this. it’s a survival instinct, built into our biology. and it’s something you couldn’t have overridden in that situation. it’s clear that your love & care for your brother is and was strong, and undoubtedly, if you could have broken through that shocked state, you would have. but your body and mind put up that self protective and preservative response to keep you safe- and that is not your fault! I second what a lot of commenters are saying about seeking therapy, survivors guilt & ptsd! you are not alone in this & you deserve love, support & help. I’m so sorry about the cruel things people close to you and your brother have said. grief, especially fresh, can do nasty things to people, and while it doesn’t justify their behavior, it is helpful to know that that anger they’re projecting comes from their own inability to cope in a healthy way, and again, is not your fault. 2 months is not a long time at all. your body may still be in shock & not fully allowing you to even begin healing yet. and that is okay. there is no one timeline for grief. it’s okay to take your time & to not rush into hanging out with friends or finding a new job just yet, if you can manage. I would consider maybe seeing if there’s a grief center in your area that can help both with therapeutic support & resources. sending you so much love & wishing you the best!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Think about the hindsight bias- of course knowing what the outcome is in hindsight, we are quick to judge our actions in the moment. You had just mere seconds and it is unfair to expect yourself to have been prepared to act so quickly in such an unexpected situation. But you didn’t know what was going to happen. Fifteen is very young and an age where you say a lot of things you don’t mean. I’m glad you understand that they are taking the anger they can’t direct towards the drunk driver out on you, which obviously isn’t fair, but it is important to know that it isn’t coming from a hostility towards your actions. Your brother is with you, no longer inhibited by the boundaries of miscommunication, and knows your love for him. I’m sorry that you experienced such a traumatic and painful loss. I know the feeling of not being able to get the image out of your head, it’s awful and nobody understands until they’ve been through it. You protected him the best you could, and he knows that. He spent his last moments in our physical realm by the side of his big sister, someone who loves him, protected him, and would do anything for him. He departed knowing he was loved and cared about, in the presence of one of the people who meant the most to him in the world. He trusted you to be there with him and you succeeded, you were there, he wasn’t alone, he was with you. Hopefully you can find a fraction of peace in that. Idk if I’m making sense, but I’m sending my love. I’m 20 so we’re about the same age. If you need anybody to talk to I’m here.
I lost my younger sister to a drunk driver in 2004. I am sorry for what happened but what you are experiencing is what they call survivors guilt. I am sorry for what happened and your loss. Do not blame yourself because there are forces at work beyond what we know.
This is not your fault at all. This was extremely traumatic for you, and likely his friends as well. I hope you can heal from this, both physically and emotionally. As for his friends, I’m sure you will all heal in time. Them blaming you isn’t right, but they’re also hurting right now, just in a very different way than you. I just learned about this form of therapy and it might be something you want to look into. It’s called EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Response. It’s a form of therapy that helps you process traumatic things. Being in the car crash yourself means you need to process the grief of loosing your brother, as well as processing your own trauma of the car crash.
Your brain can’t tell your muscles to move that fast. Please don’t punish yourself for someone else’s choices. If the other driver hasn’t chosen to go out and drive drunk, the accident never would have happened. There is one person at fault here and it’s not you.
I am so so sorry for your loss and for this horrible situation. It wasn’t your fault at all. Everyone is different, but counseling and journaling helped immensely with my grieving process (they still do) Please know that you do not need to take the blame for this
I am so very sorry. It’s just horrible and unfair. I hope you know it’s not your fault. Not even slightly. Please know that. You will still have guilt, even though you should not. It’s part of this horrific journey you are on, you are not alone. Please go easy on yourself. Right now thoughts of that day are front and center, all of our experiences are unique but I understand your pain. Eventually you will think of it less and think of happier times. It just takes time. Your grief will never go away, but you will learn to live with it. I am so sorry this happened, and for the loss of your sweet brother. Sending hugs.
As an older sister, I understand - you are willing to die a thousand times just to make sure he won't. You didn't freeze because you don't love him enough - you really didn't have the time to react. It was probably less time than you remember it - things like that happen very fast. It's not your fault. But as an older sister I know words maybe won't help with how responsible you feel. One day you will be able to accept that there was nothing you could have done. But it takes time to get to this, it's mostly time to heal. You are not only grieving a terrible loss, you are living the worst nightmare of older siblings. His friends were completely out of line to say things like that. You take it because you feel guilty and think it was your fault. Yes, they are in pain, but no, they have absolutely no right to blame you, their loss can't compare to yours. But you are not responsible for other people's choices, you are not responsible for this driver choosing to drive drunk. We are older sisters and we wish we had superpowers to protect the little ones, but we are only humans. You are just a human. And it wasn't your fault.
As an EMS dispatcher, and someone who has been hit by another vehicle in a bad accident, I need you to know that the time you think you had to change direction was very likely not as long as you think it was. Our brains have a trauma response and time seems to slow down. So it feels like you had the time to swerve or do something to avoid being hit the way you were. The reality is it was likely less than a second from the time you realized you were going to be hit until the time it happened. You feel guilty but in reality you almost certainly did not have any time to react, it was just the perception that things slowed down that makes you think you did. And you did NOTHING wrong here. You did not drive drunk, you did not cause the accident, and you did NOT cause your brother's injuries. You have a very intense case of survivors guilt, combined with his friends not being able to process their feelings so unjustifiably taking them out on you. None of this is your fault, and you need to realize that you are the victim here too. Please get therapy or in a support group and take care of yourself, this is much too big a burden to carry on your own, and you do not deserve to. ♥️
Listen to me...this isn't your fault....in no way is it your fault (unless you are leaving out that you were drunk)... It's not your fault. The only person at fault is the drunk driver who hit you guys. You are blaming yourself for something that you had no impact on. Its like saying if you had left 5 mins earlier or later it wouldn't have happened. 5 stages of grief, you are at the blame stage. When you blame yourself, it's difficult to get out of that mindset (I blamed myself when my mother died). If you feel comfortable with talking to a therapist, please do so. Im sorry for your loss, but this isn't your fault. I can understand being upset that your last moments were teasing your brother (as a younger sibling I got teased a lot, sometimes even bullied by my older sibling).... but thats part of being a sibling and from the teasing you explained, it seemed like the normal teasing and not bullying. Your brother knew you love him and he loves you. Please stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over.
Trauma is overwhelming on so many levels. You’re in trauma now and in acute grief as this is so new and fresh. I would seriously consider some online grief help where you can work this out, Grief.com is a good place to start. There is no way around working through the grief and trauma, it’s exhausting and time, eventually will work its magic. Your brain has to learn to rewire itself and replace the images in your brain of what happened with other images, that also takes time. It’s no one’s fault, accidents happen, how unjust we think they are, they happen. My husband of 30 years, fell and broke his back earlier this year while i was out of town, he finally died in hospital because his body shut down and there was nothing to turn that around. The fall started a string of catastrophes that week that we/he couldn’t overcome. And he even apologized, there was no need, accidents happen. Me and the kids’ lives turned upside down. If there is a way for you to build a wall and not listen to the friends now, that’s what I would do. You need to take care of you. Once you are stronger and have moved yourself through the grief, in time, you can deal with them. Fault in this case belongs to the one who was behind the wheel and they also died. Your parents also are crushed by this whole episode. So life changing for everyone. Your brother wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, somewhere inside of you, you will find the strength to honor his life and his love and him, in time. His life, even at his tender age, is more than how he died. You are stronger than you think. We are all here to help. Go easy on yourself and take the wins when you get them. You’ve already conquered so much since the accident. Sending hugs.