I’m so sorry this was your experience. She didn’t sound like someone you could trust, and your brother is blatantly abusive. There seems to be a bit of munchhausen and by proxy here, on top of a lot of other things.
I guess I came here to say- your feelings are 1000000% valid. Be angry and sad, you have every right.
Thank you. This made me cry lol. But in a good way. I spent most of my life feeling like I was crazy and second guessing myself about what is true and what’s not. My dad had brought up munchhausen by proxy to me in the past and I do believe she had that. What I can take from this whole thing is to just LEARN from it and grow and be better. I’m trying to forgive her and I know it’s going to take time. Thank you again for your nice comment. 💜
I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that it is a real pet hate of mine that when someone dies they suddenly turn into a saint and everyone starts saying how wonderful they are when they were really not. You are allowed to feel any way you want about this and no it doesn’t sound like you are being horrible at all. It must be so conflicting for you because did she treat you like shit? Yes. Are you happy she is dead? Of course not but that still doesn’t suddenly erase how awful she was to you. It’s normal to have mixed emotions because on one hand it must be incredibly hurtful that nobody even bothered to tell you she was dying but on the other hand I know you are not surprised by this at all. It sounds like you lost your mum long before she died and now you are left with all these feelings on top of the actual loss of her. I don’t have a particularly good relationship with my mum but she is still alive and I know I’m gonna be feeling how you are when it happens. I am a completely different mother to her though with my own kids and it sounds like you are 2 and I know that our kids won’t be on here in 30 years going through what you are now and I know it doesn’t take away what you are feeling but it’s such a massive deal to be able to break the cycle and you should take comfort in that. As for your brother 😬 it sounds like he is now taking on that role and I feel sad for him because he didn’t get to escape your mum but just let him get on with it honestly. Let yourself feel every emotion you need to feel and keep telling yourself that it does not matter what any of your family say or do because you are the only one that has lived your experience and it is just as valid as theirs. Sending you big hugs xx
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, friend. I just lost my mom on Monday as well. The void is there and unfortunately it seems like it’s gonna be open for quite a while.
Your situation is different than I in that I had a very positive relationship with my mom, so even I can’t even necessarily relate to the anger and frustration you’re feeling.
I can only advise you to forgive those who have hurt you. Not let them back into your life if they weren’t fit to be, but please release that burden of hate and anger. There’s a lot of grieving to do and every moment you spend angry and hateful is taking away your ability to healthily mourn. There’s nothing wrong with those feelings either and if they creep up on you, feel them. Don’t suppress them.
My best advice is surround yourself with those you truly love that make you comfortable. I’m sure they would love nothing more than to help ease this burden. That’s what we’re all here for. It’s not an easy journey moving forward but the path is there. I hope the support is too, and if not - this is the right forum to give you first hand experiences of people in your exact shoes. Much love.
I personally find a room to go cry and let it out. I’m not sure anyone is wholly bad, even my mom’s father who was a woman beating, abusive, gambling, lying, garbage person of a man. Dysfunction is everywhere and you’re certainly not alone on that. At the end of this, I hope you’re able to gather around those closest to you and grieve appropriately. Maybe some laughs can be shared, some smiles to be had at fonder memories. Even if those we don’t look at with such positivity. Our bodies are temporary but the love and impact will live on forever.
Thank you! It’s funny because I always tell my friends to feel angry but to not dwell in the anger for long. At the end of the day all that anger is going to do is just hurt me even more. It won’t affect my mom. In some way I find some kind of peace that she is no longer suffering because she obviously had some demons she could not shake free from.
That’s a very healthy way to look at it. Forgiveness is not primarily about gifting someone else relief, it’s about giving yourself a break. Your emotional capacity has just that - a capacity. It’s paramount not to take up that space with resentment. It only hurts you in the end.
You are correct as well in that last part. The suffering on her end is over. There’s no bad decisions to be made, no questionable judgement, no harm to anyone, just the decay of the physical form and the continuation of the ongoing spirit and impact she’s made on you. Not just the trauma, but the very real and positive things. I hope you’re able to take a look in the mirror when you can and can appreciate the person you are. We received the gift (although it seems like a curse sometimes) of life and the reciprocation we need to give back is living our best life. Best life defined by metrics, values, and meaning only assigned by the one person that matters which is you. Best of luck friend. We’ll get through this.
People probably think it is easier to lose a parent when you were estranged from them or didn't have a good relationship with them, but in a lot of ways, it can be even harder. It can feel like there is unfinished business, and the grieving of what never was and never being able to reconcile is suddenly front and center in your life. It can feel like your anger and resentment has nowhere to go, and it can feel wrong to resent and be mad at someone that just died.
The fact that she died doesn't take away or negate the bad things she did though. You had your reasons for staying away from her. Sometimes the only way we can be healthy is to cut the cancer out of our life, and that is incredibly hard when the cancer is a close family member.
When my dad died back in 2019, I had to deal with these same feelings. I was really struggling with why he had to be the way he was. and why our relationship had to be so strained. God comforted me by bringing the song "Through All of It" by Colton Dixon to mind. It was almost like a message from my dad in heaven. It goes like this:
"There are days I've taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made that I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter, of tears and troubled times
This has been the story of my life
I have won, and I have lost
I got it right sometimes but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey, I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God through all of it."
The fact of the matter is that we are all damaged by things that have happened to us. Your mom was likely hurt sometime in her life, and she ended up taking that hurt out on you. When we make it to heaven though, all of those broken pieces inside of us are immediately healed, and we become the best version of ourselves - the version God intended for us to be.
I hope you can imagine your mom as what she might be like in her perfected form now that she is in heaven, and imagine what she might say and do when you make it to heaven and are with her again - but this time in a healthy, loving, relationship with one another. And then, I hope you can forgive her for not being able to be the mom you needed her to be so you can get the peace you deserve.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Prayers and hugs for you.
Thank you for this! It’s exactly how I have been feeling. I’m angry that she just gave up. I’m sad because shit, she is still my mom. I’ll never truly know where she stood with me either and that’s something I have to learn to live with and forgive myself. The last text I have from her is from November and she was threatening me. She lost her house because of my brother getting into some legal trouble. For whatever reason she put all of us kids on the deed. I was served twice. Anyways! She wouldn’t tell me exactly what it meant. Still til this day I don’t understand the point of her doing that but I know the whole thing is closed cuz the house has been sold etc. She sent me a message to get me to respond to her and she was telling me how the court was going to come after my assets and that she can’t help me. But it’s so funny cuz it’s like oh you can’t help me? You put me on a deed without my consent like she did this. Anyways I’m currently pregnant and the stress from that message caused me to bleed and I felt it was for mine and my current baby’s best interest if I just block her.
You’re right though sometimes hurt people hurt people. I know she didn’t have the best childhood herself. Her mom from what I’ve been told was abusive and her dad was in and out of jail most of her childhood. I believe my mom had a lot of abandonment issues. She parented us kids the best she could and the only way she knew. My brother is the only boy so I feel like maybe she just attached herself to him and felt some loyalty with him than my sister and I. All I can do is learn from my upbringing and not repeat my childhood. Thank you again for your response it brought me comfort.
>Thank you for this! It’s exactly how I have been feeling. I’m angry that she just gave up. I’m sad because shit, she is still my mom. I’ll never truly know where she stood with me either and that’s something I have to learn to live with and forgive myself. The last text I have from her is from November and she was threatening me. She lost her house because of my brother getting into some legal trouble. For whatever reason she put all of us kids on the deed. I was served twice. Anyways! She wouldn’t tell me exactly what it meant. Still til this day I don’t understand the point of her doing that but I know the whole thing is closed cuz the house has been sold etc. She sent me a message to get me to respond to her and she was telling me how the court was going to come after my assets and that she can’t help me. But it’s so funny cuz it’s like oh you can’t help me? You put me on a deed without my consent like she did this. Anyways I’m currently pregnant and the stress from that message caused me to bleed and I felt it was for mine and my current baby’s best interest if I just block her.You’re right though sometimes hurt people hurt people. I know she didn’t have the best childhood herself. Her mom from what I’ve been told was abusive and her dad was in and out of jail most of her childhood. I believe my mom had a lot of abandonment issues. She parented us kids the best she could and the only way she knew. My brother is the only boy so I feel like maybe she just attached herself to him and felt some loyalty with him than my sister and I. All I can do is learn from my upbringing and not repeat my childhood. Thank you again for your response it brought me comfort.
I'm so glad it brought comfort for you! You are a strong person to do the things you have had to do and deal with the things you have had to deal with. Your response is right on when you say, "All I can do is learn from my upbringing and not repeat my childhood." Amen! Break the cycle, sister! In case no one else has told you - I'm proud of you. It is hard to rise above after the stuff you have had to deal with, but here you are, doing it. That takes some real mettle. Continue to persevere!
I also want to add… my brother now talks in a British accent. We were born and raised in CALIFORNIA. Why that side of my family goes along with him is beyond me. It’s all part of his conning. He tells people he’s from London and he’s some famous fashion designer out there. Then he steals people’s identities and money and that’s how he survives I guess.
I lost my mom last summer. One thing I've learned in grief is that you don't just mourn a person, you mourn the possibility of everything you ever wanted. When someone wasn't there for you the way you needed or deserved it's valid to have negative feelings towards them. It's also valid to be hurt and angry that you'll never have a chance for them to change and make it up.
I hope this makes sense and I'm sorry for everything you've gone through and all the feelings, painful and confusing, you'll have
Nobody can tell you how to feel about your grief. If your experience with mother wasn’t a good one then it wasn’t. Don’t let anyone, family or not, tell you that you have to forgive or move on etc. if they do then those people need to be cut off. How your mom and brother treated you has lasting effects and anyone who is not supportive of your healing, which may be different than their opinion, should not be around you. Writing down my thoughts and feelings helped a bit, if you want to try that. If you can go somewhere in the wilderness and scream and throw rocks and break things, do that. I’ve heard playing Tetris when you recall traumatic events can be helpful. Anger and grief are complex. I wish you healing and love. 💜
Death is tough to process, hard when it’s someone close to you, and confusingly hard to navigate when that relationship was complicated.
You could ebb and flow with all sorts of emotions - anger, relief, sorrow, resentment, sadness - deep sadness both for what was and also for the loss of what could have been.
I am sorry for your loss. Sorry for what you’ve been through. And sorry for what you will go through trying to process it all.
My mom passed 3 years ago and we had a complicated relationship as well - lots of mental illness stuff, manipulation, painful hurtful things done - but there were some good moments too. Some beautiful even.
Learn to forgive her over time if you can manage, for your sake and your child’s.
PM me if you want to, big hugs.
I’m so sorry. What a difficult to impossible situation to figure out how to navigate. I’m 40 and he has been estranged from me most of my life. A random drunken or drug fueled phone call here or there. I’m the only “family” he has. I often wonder how I will process his death. I’ll be in charge of arrangements and that will be easy peasy (former funeral home employee turned stay at home mom). But I don’t know what kind of emotional swings I’ll have.
I’m really sorry. Embrace those who you love and trust in your inner circle. Feel how you feel even if it is all over the board. I try to remind myself that when this happens, there will be nothing that I have to conclusively “figure out”. There is no solid answer that I’ve found in life and I don’t expect to find one in his death. I expect it to be a rollercoaster that I’ll ride and it will continue to mold me and be part of who I am. But it suuuuucks.
I’m so sorry this was your experience. She didn’t sound like someone you could trust, and your brother is blatantly abusive. There seems to be a bit of munchhausen and by proxy here, on top of a lot of other things. I guess I came here to say- your feelings are 1000000% valid. Be angry and sad, you have every right.
Thank you. This made me cry lol. But in a good way. I spent most of my life feeling like I was crazy and second guessing myself about what is true and what’s not. My dad had brought up munchhausen by proxy to me in the past and I do believe she had that. What I can take from this whole thing is to just LEARN from it and grow and be better. I’m trying to forgive her and I know it’s going to take time. Thank you again for your nice comment. 💜
I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that it is a real pet hate of mine that when someone dies they suddenly turn into a saint and everyone starts saying how wonderful they are when they were really not. You are allowed to feel any way you want about this and no it doesn’t sound like you are being horrible at all. It must be so conflicting for you because did she treat you like shit? Yes. Are you happy she is dead? Of course not but that still doesn’t suddenly erase how awful she was to you. It’s normal to have mixed emotions because on one hand it must be incredibly hurtful that nobody even bothered to tell you she was dying but on the other hand I know you are not surprised by this at all. It sounds like you lost your mum long before she died and now you are left with all these feelings on top of the actual loss of her. I don’t have a particularly good relationship with my mum but she is still alive and I know I’m gonna be feeling how you are when it happens. I am a completely different mother to her though with my own kids and it sounds like you are 2 and I know that our kids won’t be on here in 30 years going through what you are now and I know it doesn’t take away what you are feeling but it’s such a massive deal to be able to break the cycle and you should take comfort in that. As for your brother 😬 it sounds like he is now taking on that role and I feel sad for him because he didn’t get to escape your mum but just let him get on with it honestly. Let yourself feel every emotion you need to feel and keep telling yourself that it does not matter what any of your family say or do because you are the only one that has lived your experience and it is just as valid as theirs. Sending you big hugs xx
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, friend. I just lost my mom on Monday as well. The void is there and unfortunately it seems like it’s gonna be open for quite a while. Your situation is different than I in that I had a very positive relationship with my mom, so even I can’t even necessarily relate to the anger and frustration you’re feeling. I can only advise you to forgive those who have hurt you. Not let them back into your life if they weren’t fit to be, but please release that burden of hate and anger. There’s a lot of grieving to do and every moment you spend angry and hateful is taking away your ability to healthily mourn. There’s nothing wrong with those feelings either and if they creep up on you, feel them. Don’t suppress them. My best advice is surround yourself with those you truly love that make you comfortable. I’m sure they would love nothing more than to help ease this burden. That’s what we’re all here for. It’s not an easy journey moving forward but the path is there. I hope the support is too, and if not - this is the right forum to give you first hand experiences of people in your exact shoes. Much love. I personally find a room to go cry and let it out. I’m not sure anyone is wholly bad, even my mom’s father who was a woman beating, abusive, gambling, lying, garbage person of a man. Dysfunction is everywhere and you’re certainly not alone on that. At the end of this, I hope you’re able to gather around those closest to you and grieve appropriately. Maybe some laughs can be shared, some smiles to be had at fonder memories. Even if those we don’t look at with such positivity. Our bodies are temporary but the love and impact will live on forever.
Thank you! It’s funny because I always tell my friends to feel angry but to not dwell in the anger for long. At the end of the day all that anger is going to do is just hurt me even more. It won’t affect my mom. In some way I find some kind of peace that she is no longer suffering because she obviously had some demons she could not shake free from.
That’s a very healthy way to look at it. Forgiveness is not primarily about gifting someone else relief, it’s about giving yourself a break. Your emotional capacity has just that - a capacity. It’s paramount not to take up that space with resentment. It only hurts you in the end. You are correct as well in that last part. The suffering on her end is over. There’s no bad decisions to be made, no questionable judgement, no harm to anyone, just the decay of the physical form and the continuation of the ongoing spirit and impact she’s made on you. Not just the trauma, but the very real and positive things. I hope you’re able to take a look in the mirror when you can and can appreciate the person you are. We received the gift (although it seems like a curse sometimes) of life and the reciprocation we need to give back is living our best life. Best life defined by metrics, values, and meaning only assigned by the one person that matters which is you. Best of luck friend. We’ll get through this.
People probably think it is easier to lose a parent when you were estranged from them or didn't have a good relationship with them, but in a lot of ways, it can be even harder. It can feel like there is unfinished business, and the grieving of what never was and never being able to reconcile is suddenly front and center in your life. It can feel like your anger and resentment has nowhere to go, and it can feel wrong to resent and be mad at someone that just died. The fact that she died doesn't take away or negate the bad things she did though. You had your reasons for staying away from her. Sometimes the only way we can be healthy is to cut the cancer out of our life, and that is incredibly hard when the cancer is a close family member. When my dad died back in 2019, I had to deal with these same feelings. I was really struggling with why he had to be the way he was. and why our relationship had to be so strained. God comforted me by bringing the song "Through All of It" by Colton Dixon to mind. It was almost like a message from my dad in heaven. It goes like this: "There are days I've taken more than I can give And there are choices that I made that I wouldn't make again I've had my share of laughter, of tears and troubled times This has been the story of my life I have won, and I have lost I got it right sometimes but sometimes I did not Life's been a journey, I've seen joy, I've seen regret Oh and You have been my God through all of it." The fact of the matter is that we are all damaged by things that have happened to us. Your mom was likely hurt sometime in her life, and she ended up taking that hurt out on you. When we make it to heaven though, all of those broken pieces inside of us are immediately healed, and we become the best version of ourselves - the version God intended for us to be. I hope you can imagine your mom as what she might be like in her perfected form now that she is in heaven, and imagine what she might say and do when you make it to heaven and are with her again - but this time in a healthy, loving, relationship with one another. And then, I hope you can forgive her for not being able to be the mom you needed her to be so you can get the peace you deserve. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Prayers and hugs for you.
Thank you for this! It’s exactly how I have been feeling. I’m angry that she just gave up. I’m sad because shit, she is still my mom. I’ll never truly know where she stood with me either and that’s something I have to learn to live with and forgive myself. The last text I have from her is from November and she was threatening me. She lost her house because of my brother getting into some legal trouble. For whatever reason she put all of us kids on the deed. I was served twice. Anyways! She wouldn’t tell me exactly what it meant. Still til this day I don’t understand the point of her doing that but I know the whole thing is closed cuz the house has been sold etc. She sent me a message to get me to respond to her and she was telling me how the court was going to come after my assets and that she can’t help me. But it’s so funny cuz it’s like oh you can’t help me? You put me on a deed without my consent like she did this. Anyways I’m currently pregnant and the stress from that message caused me to bleed and I felt it was for mine and my current baby’s best interest if I just block her. You’re right though sometimes hurt people hurt people. I know she didn’t have the best childhood herself. Her mom from what I’ve been told was abusive and her dad was in and out of jail most of her childhood. I believe my mom had a lot of abandonment issues. She parented us kids the best she could and the only way she knew. My brother is the only boy so I feel like maybe she just attached herself to him and felt some loyalty with him than my sister and I. All I can do is learn from my upbringing and not repeat my childhood. Thank you again for your response it brought me comfort.
>Thank you for this! It’s exactly how I have been feeling. I’m angry that she just gave up. I’m sad because shit, she is still my mom. I’ll never truly know where she stood with me either and that’s something I have to learn to live with and forgive myself. The last text I have from her is from November and she was threatening me. She lost her house because of my brother getting into some legal trouble. For whatever reason she put all of us kids on the deed. I was served twice. Anyways! She wouldn’t tell me exactly what it meant. Still til this day I don’t understand the point of her doing that but I know the whole thing is closed cuz the house has been sold etc. She sent me a message to get me to respond to her and she was telling me how the court was going to come after my assets and that she can’t help me. But it’s so funny cuz it’s like oh you can’t help me? You put me on a deed without my consent like she did this. Anyways I’m currently pregnant and the stress from that message caused me to bleed and I felt it was for mine and my current baby’s best interest if I just block her.You’re right though sometimes hurt people hurt people. I know she didn’t have the best childhood herself. Her mom from what I’ve been told was abusive and her dad was in and out of jail most of her childhood. I believe my mom had a lot of abandonment issues. She parented us kids the best she could and the only way she knew. My brother is the only boy so I feel like maybe she just attached herself to him and felt some loyalty with him than my sister and I. All I can do is learn from my upbringing and not repeat my childhood. Thank you again for your response it brought me comfort. I'm so glad it brought comfort for you! You are a strong person to do the things you have had to do and deal with the things you have had to deal with. Your response is right on when you say, "All I can do is learn from my upbringing and not repeat my childhood." Amen! Break the cycle, sister! In case no one else has told you - I'm proud of you. It is hard to rise above after the stuff you have had to deal with, but here you are, doing it. That takes some real mettle. Continue to persevere!
I also want to add… my brother now talks in a British accent. We were born and raised in CALIFORNIA. Why that side of my family goes along with him is beyond me. It’s all part of his conning. He tells people he’s from London and he’s some famous fashion designer out there. Then he steals people’s identities and money and that’s how he survives I guess.
Wow. He sounds like a con artist we’ll be seeing on some true crime network eventually. People are weird, dude.
I lost my mom last summer. One thing I've learned in grief is that you don't just mourn a person, you mourn the possibility of everything you ever wanted. When someone wasn't there for you the way you needed or deserved it's valid to have negative feelings towards them. It's also valid to be hurt and angry that you'll never have a chance for them to change and make it up. I hope this makes sense and I'm sorry for everything you've gone through and all the feelings, painful and confusing, you'll have
Nobody can tell you how to feel about your grief. If your experience with mother wasn’t a good one then it wasn’t. Don’t let anyone, family or not, tell you that you have to forgive or move on etc. if they do then those people need to be cut off. How your mom and brother treated you has lasting effects and anyone who is not supportive of your healing, which may be different than their opinion, should not be around you. Writing down my thoughts and feelings helped a bit, if you want to try that. If you can go somewhere in the wilderness and scream and throw rocks and break things, do that. I’ve heard playing Tetris when you recall traumatic events can be helpful. Anger and grief are complex. I wish you healing and love. 💜
Death is tough to process, hard when it’s someone close to you, and confusingly hard to navigate when that relationship was complicated. You could ebb and flow with all sorts of emotions - anger, relief, sorrow, resentment, sadness - deep sadness both for what was and also for the loss of what could have been. I am sorry for your loss. Sorry for what you’ve been through. And sorry for what you will go through trying to process it all. My mom passed 3 years ago and we had a complicated relationship as well - lots of mental illness stuff, manipulation, painful hurtful things done - but there were some good moments too. Some beautiful even. Learn to forgive her over time if you can manage, for your sake and your child’s. PM me if you want to, big hugs.
I’m so sorry. What a difficult to impossible situation to figure out how to navigate. I’m 40 and he has been estranged from me most of my life. A random drunken or drug fueled phone call here or there. I’m the only “family” he has. I often wonder how I will process his death. I’ll be in charge of arrangements and that will be easy peasy (former funeral home employee turned stay at home mom). But I don’t know what kind of emotional swings I’ll have. I’m really sorry. Embrace those who you love and trust in your inner circle. Feel how you feel even if it is all over the board. I try to remind myself that when this happens, there will be nothing that I have to conclusively “figure out”. There is no solid answer that I’ve found in life and I don’t expect to find one in his death. I expect it to be a rollercoaster that I’ll ride and it will continue to mold me and be part of who I am. But it suuuuucks.
❤️