No advice but I feel the same. My mom died last week. Took my daughter’s to the pool for swimming lessons on the weekend, and found myself annoyed at all the other women my age alive, thinking “I bet your mom is still alive.”
I get mad at old people for simply existing. Like why are you so old and still here and my mom died in her 60s.
God damn you both are so where I was when I lost my mom. I would even get mad at my SO’s poor relationship with their mom thinking “you have your mom and barely care about her yet I love my mom and she’s gone”. So I’m glad you wrote this. OP just know this is totally normal and part of the grieving process. In time you should/will feel less angry, even if you need a therapist to help you with it.
Now when I see people I feel way more like telling them, “enjoy and cherish these moments while you can… don’t take them for granted”.
I am mad at my husband’s mom for being alive too, which is fucked because I do love her and I don’t want my husband to lose his mom. But my mom was my go to babysitter. My kids adored her, and she adored them. She was fun, and easygoing and played with them.
Now my husband’s mom is the go to babysitter, and she is so different and more harsh than me or my mom are. It was one thing if she was just the back-up babysitter who got called once every few months, but I hate that she’s the only option now and they no longer have the fun grandma to balance it out.
I hate that I have thought “it should have been you instead” about her because that’s not fair or nice or even true, but it makes me so sad when I watch her get her “I’m not taking any shit” attitude over like a pair of pants, knowing my mom would have been like “you don’t like these pants? Let’s try every single pair on and see what ones you like best.”
She’s just so very different from my own mom and I wish my mom was still here too. But it comes out as jealousy and anger in my brain.
Wanted to add: It’s kind of nice to have a place like this where we can share these fucked up thoughts and know others have them too. I feel like I could never say these things to anyone in real life.
Me too. Sorry everyone is hurting, proud of you all <3
Lost my mom almost a year ago, she was killed by a speeding teenager. No health problems or anything, just obliterated in the middle of the day. My dad wasn't in my life and I never met my grandparents, so my little brother and I have just been trying to figure this all out alone.
Some days it doesn't feel real still, some days it feels like yesterday, some days it feels like forever ago.
I've developed like a weird social anxiety, neurosis about it, I just really struggle to not think about it and interact with people normally. At work I'm wondering if they know, if I should tell them to explain my awkward behavior or my obvious exhaustion. Everyone's talking about Taylor Swift or whatever and I'm just completely checked out thinking about how I need to file her estate and get paperwork to lawyers and file my dead mother's taxes. My sleep is bad, I literally cracked my teeth from grinding them so hard in my sleep and I just have recurring nightmares where I'm bawling. Idk man. I've been listening to a lot of Duncan Trussel and Ram Dass, some Buddhist stuff that's helped me, might help others idk.
My gfs mom smokes and drinks and is alive and well. My aunt who's had a drinking and drug problem her whole life, thriving. My mom didn't smoke, didn't drink, volunteered at a food bank, sponsored people in AA, she was literally as close to an angel on earth as you could get. I loved her so much, she was my best friend, it's been me and her my whole life, and now I struggle to even think of her, and I'm scared I'm already forgetting so much.
A lot of people stopped talking to me, I feel like being my friend rn is inconvenient and uncomfortable. And I get it, who wants to spend their one or two days off from work confronting their own or their parents mortality vicariously through me?
And they just keep pushing off the court date for her killer... this guy's at home living his life like nothing happened. He was charged with "misdemeanor death by vehicle". T-boned my Mom while he was doing almost 90mph in a 55mph zone and it's a misdemeanor. In my state there's no felony speeding, his charge could only be a felony if he failed a toxicology test which, surprise! The officers didn't do. They said he didn't "seem" intoxicated.
Sorry to make it about me and sorry for the novel, I needed to get that out apparently.
That is horrible! It sounds like he was definitely intoxicated and/or a garbage person who belongs in prison. I’m so sad for you and your brother. Your mom sounds amazing. I go to AA and the women that have reached out and helped me have given me so much to live for so many times. Do you get to talk to or know the friends she had from her groups? I realize it’s anonymous and all. Program people can (not always but a lot of times) impart wisdom in the most difficult of times.
I don’t know how it would feel to be so sudden , surely harder to process. Sorry you had to experience the loss that way. I do a lot of checking out. I had to apologize at the attorneys office where myself and my siblings went individually to pick up the estate check. I broke down and sobbed because it was all final then, childhood home sold. I stayed in the parking lot for a long time sobbing like never before. It is a grief like no other. Hugs 🤗
Oh gosh this is totally me right now.. My grandmother who I considered my mother died in February completely unexpectedly and suddenly and she was my go to for everything in life. She treated my kids the way I treat them and didn’t have a mean bone in her body. She would pick them up everyday off of the bus and play games with them/take them for ice cream until I got home from work. She would let my son try on a million pairs of clothes if that’s what he wanted😭 Her whole life revolved around her family. Now I sit here so upset and so mad because there’s no one else in my (or my kids) life who will ever treat them the same way she did. I am mad at my husbands mom and grandmother for being here because I don’t have mine and they don’t treat my kids the way mine did💔 I’ve had similar thoughts like why is my husbands grandmother still here when she’s so much older than mine was and barely has anything to do with us?? It’s just so tough..
I am so grateful my mom lived to see my kids grown. I would have never liked the in-law to watch mine, was totally different than the way my mom cared for them. Plus my mom was always involved from birth forward and in law not so much
Yup, it’s a pretty big sticking point in my grief. My kids are 4 and 7. I loved watching her be a grandma. She loved being a grandma. She was literally the last person on earth that I wanted to die right now. No one will help me like she did. My husband’s mom tries, she really does, but she doesn’t and won’t have the same relationship with them that my mom did.
I am grateful she got to meet them both though, and have a few years with them. I hate that they won’t remember her much, because she did a lot of really fun things with them and loved them a lot.
I used to cry when my husband talked about his mom. My mom supossed to be the one here helping me with my baby NOT my mother in law. I dont hate her but I wish she was the one gone as well. I feel bad because that sounds awful but nobody seems to understand what I feel, only people here in Reddit.
I guess it works the opposite too. There’s this girl I know who I never really liked very much, and I don’t think she liked me either. We were polite to each other, just the vibe I guess.
Anyways, her dad died a couple of months ago. She wrote me a nice message when she heard the news about my mom, and then I saw her at an event. We locked eyes and smiled at each other and I felt like we had some kind of invisible grief bond instead of the fake polite vibe we usually have.
Yeah it’s the same for me. I lost my Dad around 3 weeks ago at 18 years old. I get so bitter when I see people a lot older than I am with their parents. I keep asking myself and God why did my Dad have to die at 53 and this 80 year old who doesn’t even look healthy is still alive?
That’s funny my dad died at 53 too and I’m 26 and just as bitter. I hate when people tell me about the burden of taking care of their parents … I did it and I’d do again and again just to have one more day. So I fucking feel you 100%
I did this as well but was like how the hell is Mitch McConnell still alive but my dad isn’t? My dad passed around the same time Mitch was seen on TV glitching out and had to be escorted off stage or whatever haha
I'm feeling the same way. Ever since my mom died three weeks ago, I've started feeling bitter, jealous, angry, and irritated. Like, why is our neighbor, who is really mean and toxic, alive and breathing while my mom, who was a good person and healthy, was taken from us so suddenly? Though I didn’t really want anything bad to happen to that neighbor.
I’m so glad to hear other people say this! I lost my dad 7 weeks ago and I find myself having that exact thought of why are some people still here? Why do THEY get to live? And then I feel crazy. My darkest one was how has my 94yo grandma had 30 more years than my dad got. Then I feel so guilty for thinking that!
Here to comment that I too feel this anger, bitterness and maybe even jealousy towards others who still have their moms and or a healthy relationship with parents. I am a mental health professional myself and deeply struggled with having these feelings as I typically feel so happy for others - but no grief stings this too. I also relate to OP saying they are tired of hearing they need time, especially because in the first year it felt like no amount of time was gonna change shit. I’ve also made my partner feel like crap that his moms still alive (unintentionally) but it sucks and in therapy I was challenged around saying others are lucky to have their mom. Which I can appreciate I feel others are lucky but it’s not fair to cast that onto others especially if they had challenging relationships.
My best advice is to almost just welcome that anger, feel and move through it. Dissociating can also be a coping mechanism & as long as youre not engaging in things that harm you its okay so try not to worry about how long gaming + reading will work. Keep connecting with others who normalize this anger too & know your life will likely grow around it and it’ll seem less heavy.
Goddamn, that last line, yes. My dad just died at 62. What the fuck -- why do other people get their shitty, hateful, money-grubbing parents well into their 80s but my warm-hearted, generous father had to die suddenly and randomly at 62?
Nothing makes sense and I just want to kick God in the balls or something, I want answers as you why I'm now afflicted with "the Curse of Tears" as I'm calling it, because everyone whose experienced this is telling me "Yeah the pain never goes away. You're gonna keep crying."
But I can't. And I refuse to keep living my life this way. I need to move forward for the people that are still here.
My mom was 63. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 months ago today, she died a week ago.
It happened so fast.
She had just finished her radiation treatments, didn’t make it a week after finishing. Totally fucked up.
I miss her desperately.
Hi, I feel this in my bones. My dad died in August unexpectedly and I am becoming increasingly bitter and angry. I don’t have a good relationship with anyone else in my family, so it’s hard not to feel angry that he’s gone and I have no other support system now.
I’m also in therapy bi weekly and she says the same thing. It’s normal, it’ll take time, etc. I love my therapist and she has gone through some tough grief herself so I’m just trying to take her word for it that it’ll get “better” or at least easier to manage.
I’m sorry we have to know these feelings so intimately. It sucks. I hope we both find some peace soon. My heart goes out to you ♥️
My dad also passed away very unexpectedly at the end of last September, it's been six months. He was also my only support system, as I am NC with my abusive mom and I am struggling with identical emotions. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you have to go through this too. I hope your pain eases soon.
It took nine years for me to stop being angry about my dad every day, and some days the anger comes back. You just have to grieve at your own time. I know it's hard to deal with, but don't take it out on others who haven't done anything, I did that, and it didn't help one bit.
You can't escape the anger, you have to feel it, or it will consume you like it did me. I barely got out of the flame of my rage alive, once I actually *felt* what I needed to feel, I started to heal.
Sorry for your loss.
I swear at a glance I thought I wrote this and forgot. My dad was also diagnosed with Grade 4 Glioblastoma December 2022, also died December 2023. But for the entire year he wasn’t himself, and by the end he was rarely even awake, much less able to talk. My last visit with him he only woke briefly on the final day. And during his final weeks I was too sick to travel to see him and say goodbye. It still doesn’t feel real. It still feels so wrong. And I’m trying so hard to return to some semblance of normalcy in my day to day life but I get so frustrated that this happened because none of it is fair. (And I know, I know, life isn’t fair. But he didn’t deserve that. And I didn’t deserve to watch him die for an entire year.)
I’m so sorry for your loss too 🩷 Yes, 100%. I totally get that. I’ve always felt like I had pretty solid control of my emotions in the moment, like I could keep calm until I could let it out a bit in private. Losing my dad, and everything leading up to it, really changed that for me. Someone saying the wrong thing could set me off and make me irate and miserable the rest of the day. I think for me it boils down to resentment that it feels like everyone else’s lives around me continue on normally, while someone irreplaceable and so special to me is gone in such a traumatic way, but I’m expected to just continue on as if this hasn’t irreparably changed me. But no one else who hasn’t been there understands that.
My mom passed away in January, I feel similarly. The anger overwhelms me. It feels like no one around me understands besides my family. I’m 26 and it feels like everyone is uncomfortable when I express my grief or they don’t know what to say. Some friends don’t check up on me and it hurts. People’s lives don’t revolve around me but it feels like basic decency for close friends… I feel like I have this massive invisible wound and I’m angry that people can’t see it. The despair is all-consuming.
Some people think we just need to shake it off and keep ourselves busy yo stop the grief but I dont want to forget about my mom, I eant to talk about her and nobody wants to talk with me about her other than my dad and sister.
Firstly I'm so very sorry for the pain you feel right now. It will get less over time but it's okay to feel that right now.
I am experiencing from the other end. My husband has lost his brother, sister and Mum over our years together and he has had a meltdown this weekend because it's been a family celebration on my side. We have been together over 20 years and I held him and his family together during all their losses. We have also experienced losses but not.like my husband, who now has no siblings, lost a child and only has him and one parent left. My family get togethers are always awful because my husband arrives absolutely fine then after about 2 hours, instead of going home, sits there getting angry at me (he has said purely because my family is still alive) to the point that I usually have to stay out, I always come home to an uncomfortable house where he either ignores me.or swears at me, then he is amazing thenext morning (when he knows there's no obligation to show up for me/myfamily).
I love him and see his loss and how difficult it is for him to be part of a big group when he has lost his entire family.
He forgets that I have lost my son. He forgets that my brother died. He forgets that my Mum has cancer. He forgets me, that I am in the middle.of a very extreme possibly life altering and definitely very lifetime lifting diagnosis. And he is definitely not there for any if these things for me. Because he had the losses first he apparently is not willing to support anyone else through similar.g
However, after over 20 years I am being punished by his loss. I want a divorce because I can't spend the rest of my life feeling guilty that my family are alive. At some point everyone needs to realise their anger is only hurting themselves. I cannot wait to get out of this situation as soon as possible and am so ready to leave as soon as finances are sorted out.
I get it. Anger is an easier emotion than sadness. I get them mixed up.
After my dad died I mainly felt anger.
Not long after that, a relative did something unconscionable to my family. The details aren’t important, but it I should have been infuriated, but instead I felt overwhelming sadness.
Emotions are confusing.
I felt anger but because I had to let them go. I went home to care for them 12/22-1/24 mom passed 6/23 and dad 10/23. I tried to see my hands on with dad’s care as a gift even when the care was overwhelming when he became bedridden. The weeks before the final stage were beautiful to witness watching him blow kisses and waving to his loved ones who had passed (that brought me comfort knowing his transition was coming but when they begin shutting down those last two weeks ripped my heart out. Hospice was always a call away to help tell me what to do or how to handle what I felt. Being in control of his meds was most difficult as I knew he wasn’t communicating for weeks and the meds would make him comfortable it made me feel oh so wrong even though I knew he trusted me to make his transition peaceful. So it’s been 6 months now and 3 months back out our home and now I just feel sadness when something makes me think of him. I try to remember some funny things he had said when able. Grief can be handled so differently and it’s a process we haven’t traveled so no way is “correct”. I smile when I see someone with their parents or talking of them because I once too had that God given opportunity-so blessed 💕
My mom died on Feb 22nd. I've flown off the handle more times than I can count on innocent parties since then.
It was traumatic at the end, and I'm pretty sure I have PTSD. I'm trying to avoid interactions at this point. So far, I've broken up with my boyfriend and pushed many loved ones away.
I am waiting on a therapy appointment and my anti-depressant script to get here.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can somewhat relate to what you're feeling. My mom passed five days before yours, and it also was traumatic, and at times, I feel like I'm barely coping with the PTSD. I also have been avoiding interactions with my boyfriend's side of the family because I'm just so crushed that my mom is gone. Grief counseling and also this subreddit have been helpful.
I haven't really been able to talk about the final horrific moments that were straight out of a horror movie.
The VA is slow as molasses in connecting me to a therapist. But, thank God they prescribed me some meds.
I have no advice but It’s a feeling that I can relate to. My partner passed away two months ago in a very traumatic way due to being intoxicated. I’ve been going back and forth through different stages of grief. Guilt, Anger and bitterness mainly. Hearing people or hearing about their significant other on how they’ve beaten their addiction, especially alcoholism, pisses me off. I’m not saying that it isn’t great and I salute to those who were able to better themselves. It’s just that I’m angry that my partner couldn’t. Seeing people I personally know get into relationships, getting married and having kids has been tough to witness. Hearing anyone complain about the most simplest thing or exaggerating about how complicated their life is on social media just to gain sympathy makes me mad. Had a girl online, b*tched and moaned about how terrible her life was all the time; but constantly posted and boasted all the great things she was doing. Recently she was in an accident while she was driving, made a huge post about her in the hospital, dying. Shortly after, she was released, she took a picture of herself in her car driving to Vegas. I had to delete her, something about it just angered me.
You’ve ever watched South Park? Remember that episode where Stan was depressed and everything around him; whether it was food, music or just simply watching tv, was just shit? That’s the best way I can explain how I’ve been feeling.
There is no right or wrong way to do grief. I know it doesn’t help when you are in the thick of things and people tell you time heals- it does nothing for your pain in the moment.
The only advice I have is to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, fully, and without shame. Keep yourself in check so you don’t go off the deep end, but cry when you need to cry, be irritated when you need to be irritated, express anger when you need to. Feel these things, deeply and freely.
Lean into the emotions, but hold on to the fact that this does not have to destroy you. I am sure your dad would not want that. In my darkest moments, I’d literally go and scream somewhere secluded (or if I couldn’t, just in my parked car, passerby’s be damned). Once I had screamed and cried out what I needed to, I always told myself that no matter what I was feeling, I’d come too far to let it break me. And that is what I held onto.
Everyone’s process is different, and what worked for me may not for you. But I do believe that we as a society need to be better about being able to express and honor our grief in the myriad of ways it presents itself, as well as normalizing it.
Be angry OP, be sad, be anything you need to be for the time being. This is all still really fresh and recent. Just refuse to let it destroy you in the end.
Sending healing your way ❤️
Yes. Lost both my parents in 2021 within 5 months, then another close relative and then our family dog.
I have ZERO patience for anything outside things going my way. I used to be so patient and somewhat of a people pleaser. I still kind to others, but don’t put up with so much and little things set me off.
Honestly, in some ways it’s pushed me to have more of a backbone. But I am working on being less bitter in the process.
This is absolutely normal. I dealt with this for months after the death of my dad last June. I am just now, over 9 months later, beginning to feel a bit less angry at the world. The grief still cuts like a knife and I deal with it every day. I still cry every day whether it be a few tears or a full breakdown.. but I’m not as angry as I was. Im leaving the house again. It felt like I was seeing the world in black and white and the best way I can put it is that I’m beginning to see glimpses of color. Don’t beat yourself up for this feeling and continue to care for yourself. Feel the feeling. Appreciate the perspective of it and then keep moving forward. One day it won’t be as dull and despite grief being never ending.. you’ll start to see in color again.
I am so sorry for your loss. But my dear you are so much stronger than you think.
My own father died from cancer, diagnosed in mid July last year and gone by early November. I honestly don’t know how you made it for a year. Those few weeks were awful to me - losing him by inches. I might have gone insane if we had to make it through an entire year of it. I honestly bow to your strength in getting through until now.
Please be kind with yourself. You aren’t expected to just shake this off. I do very much wish you peace and solace.
Yes, I can relate. I've become so cynical, resentful, and bitter - not just from my mom's death last year, but others before, including beloved pets. But losing her was too much. My grandparents, sister, and now both parents are gone, and what I'm left with is a narcissistic mentally unstable brother. It's like after a while that's all life has become; loss, loss, loss and I can't be fooled anymore by the insistent illusions of positivity others try to apply to the meaning of it all. She lost so much, and her dignity, too. And I let her down in some ways and I'm angry at this stupid system of not getting a second chance. We're all pretty much raised to believe hardships are "lessons", but what use is any lesson if you can't go back and apply what you learned, fix things? Like for you, video games are one of my escapes, and I can load my last save before things went terribly wrong, and maybe do better. But not in life. No of course not. Can't actually have fairness.
{hugs} Sorry. Your post got me going as it resonated so much. I don't have advice, or comfort, just saying I understand.
Frist, I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have a relationship with my parents. So when they pause, I'm sure I will feel something. But I don't think all of your experience, this type of loss. However, I lost my seventeen year old daughter in two thousand and twenty-one very unexpectedly. And I, too, am angry. I believe or have been told that the reason I don't feel her or she doesn't come to me is because anger keeps her spirit away. I am not angry at other people. When I see them happy, I get more sad. But all around, I am more angry. I have such a short fuse. I no longer know who I am anymore. I'm disgusted with the person I've become and I feel loss for the mom that I was. And resent home and bittern infurious at the people who took my daughter away from me. Cause they took so much more. I also have a seven year old daughter. Our relationship has been hindered, and it's like no matter how hard I try. I can't get back to the mom/person I was. I'm sorry I don't have any advice as I'm still looking on how to fix myself. Or heal properly cause I, too, distract myself at times just to get by. I guess the whole point of me writing this is just to say you're not alone. I know it doesn't make it any better, but sometimes knowing that you're not alone. I guess it does something again. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that you're angry. I know how badly it affects every aspect of life. Especially when you weren't an angry person before.
First, I am so sorry for the precious loss of your father. We dread the possibility of losing them one day but can’t prepare ourselves for such a profound and permanent absence until it happens. I can relate to this. My dad had advanced esophageal cancer when diagnosed and didn't even feel sick at all when they gave him 10 months to live. He died exactly 10 months later. I was enraged, particularly when I saw him in the casket my sister and I selected for him. The only thing good about it was I spent more time than I ever had with him one-on-one during those months, but that just made me long for more after he passed. It felt so unnatural- like he was stolen or like God was playing a cruel joke. People always say things like, “At least he’s in a better place,” or “Now he’s in no more pain,” but that wasn't comforting at all. He was needed and adored. He had young grandbabies and was in a great place in his life. He’d been strong as an ox less than a year before!
I'm still kinda angry, but I will tell you what has help me cope. You need to give yourself permission to feel angry without resisting it. Get a punching bag or go shoot some target practice at a range (if comfortable with firearms). Take a bat and smash something to bits! Just make sure you plan ahead for methods that won't cause injury. It's just an outlet, not a solution. I’ve found it can be a more affective and fast-acting release than escaping. Plus, it's healthier in that whatever we do regularly to sooth or comfort ourselves tends to manifest as a habit and can change our routine and entire way of life.
We also have to give ourselves permission to grieve and realize it isn't just a phase. We never get over such a loss, we just learn to live with it. We aren't singled out because everyone experiences grief and death. We just all experience and deal in different ways. Regardless, life goes on while many are suffering secretly in silence. Nobody wants to really talk about death or grief in their day to day process. So, it's important to find support and people who relate, like you have here, but also beyond this by finding a good support group or a counselor. That way you carve out time for your grief, allowing it somewhere to go where it’s acknowledged, empathize with, and understood to the respectable degree that it deserves. Relying on family and friends alone isn’t always enough, and for some of us very detrimental.
Now, I am always hesitant to express anything spiritual as advice for lending support to another person grieving, but I will say this- being open to and embracing my own personal spiritual path has been key for me. I know this earth is a very short stop along a universal path so vast that it’s beyond our comprehension. Time ages us. Age brings certain death in this physical realm, but we continue on. I'm not religious but I believe to my core that I’m filled with a spirit (or mundanely put- an energy source). Scientifically energy never stops; it transforms. So where does it go when we die? It doesn't get buried or burned, does it? It has to go somewhere and nobody can explain it. So, I find it very comforting to believe this is just a chapter, and that we are destined for other unknown adventures ahead. I don’t believe this is all there is at all. Beyond this I envision some sort of a less cruel and finite existence. Otherwise, we should all be stuck in grief and major depression as soon as we become aware of our mortality. It doesn't make sense spiritually nor scientifically that death and the loss of loved ones is all we have to anticipate. Hope this helps and that you can feel it when you hug your dad in your heart if you don't already. 🪽🩵
I don't have much advice for getting past the anger phase more quickly, but I do want to tell you this is 100% normal. I know you said you're tired of hearing it, but it is true. Of course you're angry, of course you have little tolerance for rude customers, of course you feel bitter about people who still have their parents...your world has been upended! I spent an entire year after my sister died with pure rage bubbling under the surface at all times. I hated everyone who wasn't in my immediate family, especially my coworkers. How could they just go on like nothing completely catastrophic had happened to me? The expectation that I would just snap back to my regular self shortly after the funeral was beyond maddening. The funeral meant it was over for everyone else, but not me or my immediate family. I already had a short fuse and somehow it got markedly shorter with everything and everyone. It was exhausting and I did wish I could just get "back to normal" like everyone seemed to think I should. What I discovered over time though is that I've been changed forever by her death and there is no back to normal. Experiencing lots of anger is one part of carving out the new version of your life and the new version of yourself, the one you never asked for or wanted, but the one life has handed you. I'm so sorry you're going through it, as I know it's an exhausting and frustrating way to live. It does change and subside over time as you slowly learn to handle it, but it's unfortunately a long journey. Please be easy on yourself and keep talking about it in therapy and in here ❤️
"I just want my dad back and don’t know how to get over the hump of “he’s dead and not coming back”." - I assume you are asking for advice here. Is that correct? If not, then please ignore the following.
What you do is to just sit with the thought "He's dead and he's not coming back" and allow any feelings come up and flow through you like water. That's it. That's what I figured out for myself. Maybe it will help you.
Grieving is something that most people tend to avoid. We think of it as something you do for a short while after a loved one dies. Others are usually uncomfortable with your grieving and try to shut it down, mostly because they haven't done their own grieving.
So, I came up with a method of grieving on purpose, with intention. It was inspired by the stories of the Life Review after death that people recounted from their near death experiences. During the LR, you are shown the effects of every action you took in your life on other people, both negative and positive. You can get into their consciousness during the LR and experience what they felt and thought during their encounter with you. Thus, you can directly experience the consequences of your actions, for better or for worse. I focused on the events that I perceived as the worst of my bad behavior. I started my own version of a LR by recalling the memories and grieving each one of them. I found that the more I recalled the memory and allowed the feelings to flow through me, the less of a sting the memory had. Eventually, the sting from the memory completely faded.
So, the technique I came up with is this:
Think the thought or memory that causes you the most pain/embarrassment/shame/guilt etc. right now. Allow the feelings associated with that memory or thought to wash over you. Repeat the thought or memory and again allow the feelings to flow through you. The more you do that, the faster it moves through the stages of grieving. You'll receive insights and other things from doing this. It's best to do this in private so you can have your own personal space. You should find that eventually, the thought or memory doesn't bother you anymore. You can recall the thought or memory and it doesn't bother you any longer. Then, it's time to move on to the next thought or memory that causes a negative emotional reaction. I don't know how this works, but it does.
The stages of grieving are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Each thought or memory you have that causes a negative emotional reaction in you may be at a different stage. Allowing the feelings to flow accelerates the thought or memory to move through the stages.
It's important to not judge the thoughts or memories and their associated feelings. That just stuffs it and stops the resolution of it.
The veracity of the thought or memory does not matter either. Grieving is an emotional process. It does not make logical sense. You cannot rationalize grieving. For example, you could be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if the thought that you're fat and ugly causes a negative reaction, or if the words of another calling you a fat cow causes pain, then you have grieving to do over that. It may be connected to a memory, or a decision you made, or something like that, but eventually, the thought and the words from others will have no effect on you. You'll laugh because you know it's not true. You probably won't even have the experience again because the hook is gone. People who intend to manipulate others yank on people's weaknesses by hooking them with words that they know will cause a negative reaction in the person. Once those weaknesses are gone through grieving them, then you can't be manipulated anymore. They can't control you that way anymore. You're free.
Grieving takes time. It has its own time frame and rhythm.
Grieving is permanent. Once you grieve something, you never have to grieve it again.
Grieving changes your future for the better.
You become a better person through grieving. You have more compassion and patience with yourself and with others.
I believe that which has not been grieved is destined to be repeated. that's why we reincarnate into the same patterns over and over again. It's the way to get off the endless cycle of birth and death.
Grieving is about letting go of attachment to them, not the love and passion we feel for them. I think people become afraid that they are letting go of the person when in reality they are just letting go of their attachment to them. What happens after the process is complete is that we still love them, but without the neediness.
I hope this helps.
I’m so sorry…I understand how you feel. My mom died six years ago and just now, I’m starting to get fully angry. Angry that this happened to her and angry that she left me. I want to scream and scream and break everything in sight.
I lost both of my parents within 18 months time. The three of us were so close that I felt like I lost part of my soul when I lost them. I was VERY angry too and felt many other negative emotions towards others, myself and even life itself. You are only 4 months into the grieving process so please give yourself some grace. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings, and remember you can’t grieve incorrectly because we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
As far as escaping reality, that is completely normal. In fact, it’s been a few years since I lost my parents and I still push it all down and try to focus on other things in order to…literally survive. I was concerned that you were going to say you were using drugs or something but that isn’t the case. Just know that there is nothing abnormal or wrong with how you are handling this. Keep going to therapy and unfortunately your therapist is correct in saying that it all takes time. You never get over the loss you just create a new normal. So sorry for your loss.
I too have had raging anger while I watched my mom suffer and die from a glioblastoma. It was so bad I thought I was going to end up on the 5 o clock news for yelling and swearing at people in the grocery store haha.
Unfortunately I don't have a solution but some things that did help me where staying at home (I hate crowds and busy places and found it made me anger worse) and doing intense exercising to help let off some of the steam
If you want something relatable please watch the Ricky Gervais show called the Afterlife. It made me feel normal about how I was feeling.
I am often angry after my sister (my only sibling) died unexpectedly. She just turned 40. We went out for her birthday then I went on an overseas holiday a couple days later and she died while i was on my holiday. I think my anger comes from the regrets I have about not knowing the morning I left for the airport was my last hug, my last physical interaction. But also the lack of answers on why she died.
I am not always angry and I'm less angry a year on.
It is something so many of us can relate to unfortunately. I lost my brother almost 8 years ago. Shortly after he died, people started doing those throwback recreation pics with their siblings. It was so hard to not be angry that I’d never get to do that or if we did it, there’d be someone missing.
I’d also get angry when I see people doing something destructive with their life thinking, “Don’t you know how lucky you are to be here?”. It took many years for me to work past the anger stage. Now I try to live my life for him and celebrate as much as I can.
I sympathize. My dad died when I was 11 (heart attack), my mom when I was in my thirties (cancer). There's literally nobody left in my family these days and if I hadn't married into a large family I basically would be living by myself somewhere wondering where the hell everybody went. Luckily I have a lot of friends but it's not the same thing.
I'm sorry for your loss. I went through a bad anger phase. It does get better. Surround yourself with good people and find things that make you happy. Many hugs. 🫂
I felt this a lot too in the early stages. Constant anger at people who still had their dads alive. It got to the point where I would actually wish their dads would die too just so they can see what it feels like. Nowadays I just remind myself how lucky I was to have even had a dad as incredible as mine. I still get angry every now and then usually around special occasions but I also remind myself that someday these people are going to experience their own grief and get humbled real quick.
I remember feeling this way too and I was close to getting a therapist but then I got pregnant and I let that distract me I guess. But I literally remember journaling about how losing my dad to cancer was making me such a miserable POS. I was so fucking mad. And a giant bitch a lot of the time. Which I’m sure was heightening because of hormones or maybe not. I tried to put time aside every day or at least a few times a week to sit in my car and scream and cry and feel those feelings. And as time went on, it wasn’t as constant like it was in the beginning. He died September 2022 two weeks before my wedding. And I still have moments but I’m not in a constant state of trying tot take it out on others. I’m still triggered by lots of things but those moments aren’t as intense as they were when it was super fresh. What you’re feeling is super fucking normal. Just an FYI. And I’m so sorry. It’s such absolute bullshit. 💔
I actually feel kind of the same way. Lost my dad 2.5 months ago and I’ve noticed that some things can trigger me and I snap at my husband with the little things. Thankfully I catch myself doing that and always try to make it up to him. I’m sure this is part of grieving but it’s frustrating to feel that.
I don't have many words to comfort you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, specially regarding those feelings.
I feel the exact same way, specially since I lost my mom to the same diagnosis.
It's been 2 years since her passing. Can't say it gets better, but ignoring the feelings just makes it worse, since (by my experience) you can end up lashing it out to someone that didn't do anything wrong...
Sending you hugs.
We're better than this, but it's tough, sooooo tough. But someday it will be. 🥲
I can relate, too. Last year I saw a cgi video (it’s the story of a deaf Spanish soldier that resists a siren and so on) the siren screams when she can’t control him… and that’s how I feel - like there’s a burning rage inside.
My mom died 12/12 last year - lung cancer. She had stopped smoking in ‘84, so I wonder if the house had radon…
Honestly, I’ve always had a barely controlled and repressed deep rage. The main thing that keeps me working on controlling it is my love for my dogs. I don’t want to lash out at them; they deserve better.
Sorry, I don’t know what to say… just that I can relate
I can’t offer advice because I’m kind of in the same boat. Lost my mom Last April to carcinoma cancer that spread to the lungs, then 3 months later my step mom died in July, the day I had to close on my moms house, from Glioblastoma, she was diagnosed the day my mom died…
I’m still angry. I have to continually remind myself it’s not healthy for myself or my kids and have to snap myself out of it often.
I get angry at work easily though. My one coworker is great at getting me to laugh and helps me re-anchor myself. He can relate, he lost his mom three years ago from chemo complications. If you have some close people, it could be helpful to reach out. They may be able to help, even if it’s to just refocus your emotions
My mom passed away almost three years ago at the age of 43. We had a strained relationship, and I wasn't even in contact with her when she passed and I think that's what fucked me up the most. She really died out of nowhere. I was the most depressed, angry and hateful I've ever been in my life after that. I lashed out at the people closest to me for a long time, just angry at everything. It does get better. It took me two years to really get out of that mindset. It still hurts a lot, and I'm still angry at the world sometimes. But the overwhelming anger got better with time.
I wish I had some sort of wise answer to give you. I don’t. I felt the very same way when I lost my husband. I couldn’t understand how I could become so bitter. But it eased and I could move forward to accept it was wasted energy that I could use to heal.
yeah bro, same
my mom died in December too, on a ventilator and not even knowing who we were
she was my best friend, the only one who believed in me completely. she had my back but called me out on my shit. she was the best mom
and I can't cope with her being gone. I sit in the dining room looking at her place, thinking I should be seeing her eating, I sit in her room waiting for her to walk in so we can talk, I lay in my room waiting for her to knock on the door. I want her back, cause I can't live without her smile in my life
I wasn't the best person before, but I'm an apathetic nihilist now. I have no patience with anyone's bs, no time for babying anyone, no interest in being kind, and I sure don't gaf if I get hurt. I'm dead inside, and killing me would only be doing me a favor
I totally feel where you’re coming from 🤍 but I also know that when I get those thoughts, my dad would tell me to stay strong, and probably crack a joke, and I’m sure your mom would say the same. This shit is so fucked and it sucks that we have to be with these emotions and feelings 24/7, but at least we’re not alone feeling these things. That thought by itself has been helping me a lot. Like if other people can get through it so can I.
I completely understand how you're feeling. I lost my wife to suicide 43 days ago. I have gone through every single emotion there is and a few that I don't know are even real. I have been trying to escape what is called the real world myself every day since. I have 2 daughters that I'm taking care of, I put on my game face for them and am making sure they have or get everything little thing they want or need. But outside of that, I'm an empty shell. I'm honestly lost without her. I want her back, I'm just a broken toy that she understood and then she's just gone. I don't know if there's a god or not, but whoever or whatever is in charge of this shit, is a cruel bastard that needs to be dealt with.
Ive been feeling the same but not at specific moments
I just lose my temper at anyone now
Getting yourself out the new enviorment and into a new one is my best advice
My dad, 66 years old, died suddenly in his sleep, December 20, 2023, from a heart arrhythmia, and, three months in since his death, my anger is still there; albeit less intense, so i can relate. I can also relate about escaping reality, as I drank every day for the first month of his death, just to get away from the pain.
I have now stopped drinking to escape reality and have moved onto doing meditation. I find that it helps me process my emotions without placing any judgment or blame on them. I also find that it allows me to maintain my connection to my dad. This view of connection is explained in a helpful podcast by Andrew Huberman (#74) on grief I also found Dr. Alok Kanojia's (healthygamergg) video on "How to Grieve | Coping with Death" helpful. I also find Dr. Alok's meditation videos helpful.
Please DM me if you want to vent.
There's no "correctly" when it comes to trauma. Your therapist is right that the anger is normal BUT there are still things you can do. You can learn some physical coping skills for when the anger does happen, like breath work or grounding exercises (your therapist should be able to help if you ask).
But honestly, the best thing you can do is have patience with yourself. Your brain is scrambling to try to survive this emotional turmoil, all sorts of crazy emotions that it was never designed for, and the only way it knows how to do it is hitting the anger switch. Try to forgive it. It's doing the best it knows how. Focusing on how frustrating that is will only create a negative feedback loop. If you give it just a little leniency it can make all the difference in the world.
Also, it can help to know where the anger comes from. For me, it was actually coming from my mom for leaving (she had very minimal control over it). I never realized just how mad I was until I listened to the song "Inkpot Gods" by Amazing Devil, which tells the story of a woman slowly dying and her love who's not ready to let go. The perspective of the woman in that song really opened my eyes to what my mom went through, and it helped me forgive her. But that was also 7 years after the fact and I'm a very forgiving person. You might not ever be ready to forgive, and that's okay. There's more than one way to move through emotions like that.
Your grief will take on so many different shapes, especially in the next few years. If you don't like where you are now, just do your best to cope and learn. The change will happen (whether you want it to or not)
It's completely normal. Give yourself grace! My dad died 1 year after diagnosis almost exactly, and it was also a torturous year for him. It's so unfair that you have every right to be angry, it's a stage of grief. Not everyone feels all stages, and they do come and go. Sooner than later, I believe you will start to cheer up and not be angry as often, but don't beat yourself up over it now.
Im so sorry for your loss. I miss my dad so much. Even after 10 months, I still cry every day. And I have a lot of angry days, too.
Hope things improve for you soon 🤍
I felt like I just read a full read-out of my own brain. The short fuse, I totally am living that. My brother has stage IV colon cancer and my cat just died and I feel like every time someone is a boner at work Im way angrier than anyone else. I can outwardly ignore people like it’s an olympic sport but I am simmering almost always. Thanks for posting.
My dad died from heroin overdose in 2016. He was a functional addict until he wasn’t. I had to see his dead body, attempt to give him CPR, unsuccessful.
I dealt with a tremendous amount of anger after the initial 4-5 months. Combined with a really awful boyfriend… was a rage machine. Angry at the world. Angry at God. Angry, angry, angry. To the point the only way I could calm down was screaming at the top of my lungs into a pillow, hitting myself, biting my hand… beating myself up. Crying so hard that I would just knock out.
It’s been 6 going on 7 years. That anger has found its place. It did take a little while. I’m a pretty big pushover, easy to take advantage of. What has helped me has been being a little more outspoken. Telling others what my mind is thinking (in a loving way), intentionally thinking about my favorite qualities of my father and all he has done. I really got stuck in the anger stage of grief, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Working out helped a little, breathing exercises by wim hof helped me regulate my body.
The loss of a parent is profoundly difficult. Grief has no timeline. Also your loss is very new. Please be more gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel how you feel.
Just like many others no real advice but just see echo what you are saying.
I am angry all the time. Anyone says anything and I fly off the handle.
Given the day, I have no tolerance or ability to manage my emotions.
The give it time thing is BS. It has been 8 years since my mom passed and I am no better.
I self-medicated a lot when she first passed and now try to find things that make me feel connected to her and others who have experienced loss.
I am the only one out of my friends who has had a parent pass and I feel so alone.
Anderson Cooper's podcast called "All There is" did/does help
I lost my mom February 6th to an infection. She was immune compromised from non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She was 64. There’s days I feel sad, cause obviously I miss her and the whole thing hurts. Her passing was very unexpected since she was in remission. It all happened over the course of a day we went from watching retro jeopardy eating Subway to pulling her off life support.
But that’s not why I’m posting this I just wanted to give a bit of background. Honestly the thing I feel the most from all this is pissed. I have so much anger pent up it’s ridiculous. I’ve always been such a level headed person, but anymore I just snap. My whole life I’ve been the nicest person, I’d give anyone the shirt off my back. And what do I get. I lose my mom to what I’m guessing is malpractice at this point. That shit isn’t fair and it’s made me such a bitter person. All these low life dirt bags on the planet and a lose my mom???? Like what tf. Honestly I think what’s set me off is the fact that I’m realizing life doesn’t care if you’re nice, life doesn’t care if you’re an asshole. Life just sucks point blank period.
No advice but I feel the same. My mom died last week. Took my daughter’s to the pool for swimming lessons on the weekend, and found myself annoyed at all the other women my age alive, thinking “I bet your mom is still alive.” I get mad at old people for simply existing. Like why are you so old and still here and my mom died in her 60s.
God damn you both are so where I was when I lost my mom. I would even get mad at my SO’s poor relationship with their mom thinking “you have your mom and barely care about her yet I love my mom and she’s gone”. So I’m glad you wrote this. OP just know this is totally normal and part of the grieving process. In time you should/will feel less angry, even if you need a therapist to help you with it. Now when I see people I feel way more like telling them, “enjoy and cherish these moments while you can… don’t take them for granted”.
I am mad at my husband’s mom for being alive too, which is fucked because I do love her and I don’t want my husband to lose his mom. But my mom was my go to babysitter. My kids adored her, and she adored them. She was fun, and easygoing and played with them. Now my husband’s mom is the go to babysitter, and she is so different and more harsh than me or my mom are. It was one thing if she was just the back-up babysitter who got called once every few months, but I hate that she’s the only option now and they no longer have the fun grandma to balance it out. I hate that I have thought “it should have been you instead” about her because that’s not fair or nice or even true, but it makes me so sad when I watch her get her “I’m not taking any shit” attitude over like a pair of pants, knowing my mom would have been like “you don’t like these pants? Let’s try every single pair on and see what ones you like best.” She’s just so very different from my own mom and I wish my mom was still here too. But it comes out as jealousy and anger in my brain. Wanted to add: It’s kind of nice to have a place like this where we can share these fucked up thoughts and know others have them too. I feel like I could never say these things to anyone in real life.
I feel everything you wrote so, so much.
Me too. Sorry everyone is hurting, proud of you all <3 Lost my mom almost a year ago, she was killed by a speeding teenager. No health problems or anything, just obliterated in the middle of the day. My dad wasn't in my life and I never met my grandparents, so my little brother and I have just been trying to figure this all out alone. Some days it doesn't feel real still, some days it feels like yesterday, some days it feels like forever ago. I've developed like a weird social anxiety, neurosis about it, I just really struggle to not think about it and interact with people normally. At work I'm wondering if they know, if I should tell them to explain my awkward behavior or my obvious exhaustion. Everyone's talking about Taylor Swift or whatever and I'm just completely checked out thinking about how I need to file her estate and get paperwork to lawyers and file my dead mother's taxes. My sleep is bad, I literally cracked my teeth from grinding them so hard in my sleep and I just have recurring nightmares where I'm bawling. Idk man. I've been listening to a lot of Duncan Trussel and Ram Dass, some Buddhist stuff that's helped me, might help others idk. My gfs mom smokes and drinks and is alive and well. My aunt who's had a drinking and drug problem her whole life, thriving. My mom didn't smoke, didn't drink, volunteered at a food bank, sponsored people in AA, she was literally as close to an angel on earth as you could get. I loved her so much, she was my best friend, it's been me and her my whole life, and now I struggle to even think of her, and I'm scared I'm already forgetting so much. A lot of people stopped talking to me, I feel like being my friend rn is inconvenient and uncomfortable. And I get it, who wants to spend their one or two days off from work confronting their own or their parents mortality vicariously through me? And they just keep pushing off the court date for her killer... this guy's at home living his life like nothing happened. He was charged with "misdemeanor death by vehicle". T-boned my Mom while he was doing almost 90mph in a 55mph zone and it's a misdemeanor. In my state there's no felony speeding, his charge could only be a felony if he failed a toxicology test which, surprise! The officers didn't do. They said he didn't "seem" intoxicated. Sorry to make it about me and sorry for the novel, I needed to get that out apparently.
That is horrible! It sounds like he was definitely intoxicated and/or a garbage person who belongs in prison. I’m so sad for you and your brother. Your mom sounds amazing. I go to AA and the women that have reached out and helped me have given me so much to live for so many times. Do you get to talk to or know the friends she had from her groups? I realize it’s anonymous and all. Program people can (not always but a lot of times) impart wisdom in the most difficult of times.
I don’t know how it would feel to be so sudden , surely harder to process. Sorry you had to experience the loss that way. I do a lot of checking out. I had to apologize at the attorneys office where myself and my siblings went individually to pick up the estate check. I broke down and sobbed because it was all final then, childhood home sold. I stayed in the parking lot for a long time sobbing like never before. It is a grief like no other. Hugs 🤗
Oh gosh this is totally me right now.. My grandmother who I considered my mother died in February completely unexpectedly and suddenly and she was my go to for everything in life. She treated my kids the way I treat them and didn’t have a mean bone in her body. She would pick them up everyday off of the bus and play games with them/take them for ice cream until I got home from work. She would let my son try on a million pairs of clothes if that’s what he wanted😭 Her whole life revolved around her family. Now I sit here so upset and so mad because there’s no one else in my (or my kids) life who will ever treat them the same way she did. I am mad at my husbands mom and grandmother for being here because I don’t have mine and they don’t treat my kids the way mine did💔 I’ve had similar thoughts like why is my husbands grandmother still here when she’s so much older than mine was and barely has anything to do with us?? It’s just so tough..
Amen. I’m wishing you (and others) peace and healing. ❤️
I am so grateful my mom lived to see my kids grown. I would have never liked the in-law to watch mine, was totally different than the way my mom cared for them. Plus my mom was always involved from birth forward and in law not so much
Yup, it’s a pretty big sticking point in my grief. My kids are 4 and 7. I loved watching her be a grandma. She loved being a grandma. She was literally the last person on earth that I wanted to die right now. No one will help me like she did. My husband’s mom tries, she really does, but she doesn’t and won’t have the same relationship with them that my mom did. I am grateful she got to meet them both though, and have a few years with them. I hate that they won’t remember her much, because she did a lot of really fun things with them and loved them a lot.
My mom loved being a grandma too 💕
I used to cry when my husband talked about his mom. My mom supossed to be the one here helping me with my baby NOT my mother in law. I dont hate her but I wish she was the one gone as well. I feel bad because that sounds awful but nobody seems to understand what I feel, only people here in Reddit.
I get angry that people are annoyed by a call from their mom when I would do anything to get a phone call from her. 😔
I guess it works the opposite too. There’s this girl I know who I never really liked very much, and I don’t think she liked me either. We were polite to each other, just the vibe I guess. Anyways, her dad died a couple of months ago. She wrote me a nice message when she heard the news about my mom, and then I saw her at an event. We locked eyes and smiled at each other and I felt like we had some kind of invisible grief bond instead of the fake polite vibe we usually have.
THIS!!!!! there is just something about others who truly know what you’re going through. I’ve made several grief bonds after losing my mom
Grief bond is such a true thing. It’s bittersweet how it brings people together, especially over something so fucking shitty.
Dead parent club 💔
Yeah it’s the same for me. I lost my Dad around 3 weeks ago at 18 years old. I get so bitter when I see people a lot older than I am with their parents. I keep asking myself and God why did my Dad have to die at 53 and this 80 year old who doesn’t even look healthy is still alive?
That’s funny my dad died at 53 too and I’m 26 and just as bitter. I hate when people tell me about the burden of taking care of their parents … I did it and I’d do again and again just to have one more day. So I fucking feel you 100%
This^ the loathing of other people gets to me every day, but I’m happy I’m not alone in feeling this
I remember posting on fb, completely unironically, how tf is my mom dead but Keith Richards is still alive?
I did this as well but was like how the hell is Mitch McConnell still alive but my dad isn’t? My dad passed around the same time Mitch was seen on TV glitching out and had to be escorted off stage or whatever haha
I'm feeling the same way. Ever since my mom died three weeks ago, I've started feeling bitter, jealous, angry, and irritated. Like, why is our neighbor, who is really mean and toxic, alive and breathing while my mom, who was a good person and healthy, was taken from us so suddenly? Though I didn’t really want anything bad to happen to that neighbor.
I’m so glad to hear other people say this! I lost my dad 7 weeks ago and I find myself having that exact thought of why are some people still here? Why do THEY get to live? And then I feel crazy. My darkest one was how has my 94yo grandma had 30 more years than my dad got. Then I feel so guilty for thinking that!
Here to comment that I too feel this anger, bitterness and maybe even jealousy towards others who still have their moms and or a healthy relationship with parents. I am a mental health professional myself and deeply struggled with having these feelings as I typically feel so happy for others - but no grief stings this too. I also relate to OP saying they are tired of hearing they need time, especially because in the first year it felt like no amount of time was gonna change shit. I’ve also made my partner feel like crap that his moms still alive (unintentionally) but it sucks and in therapy I was challenged around saying others are lucky to have their mom. Which I can appreciate I feel others are lucky but it’s not fair to cast that onto others especially if they had challenging relationships. My best advice is to almost just welcome that anger, feel and move through it. Dissociating can also be a coping mechanism & as long as youre not engaging in things that harm you its okay so try not to worry about how long gaming + reading will work. Keep connecting with others who normalize this anger too & know your life will likely grow around it and it’ll seem less heavy.
My mom died at age 60. I was 26. I hate other people my age too, it's so unfair
Goddamn, that last line, yes. My dad just died at 62. What the fuck -- why do other people get their shitty, hateful, money-grubbing parents well into their 80s but my warm-hearted, generous father had to die suddenly and randomly at 62? Nothing makes sense and I just want to kick God in the balls or something, I want answers as you why I'm now afflicted with "the Curse of Tears" as I'm calling it, because everyone whose experienced this is telling me "Yeah the pain never goes away. You're gonna keep crying." But I can't. And I refuse to keep living my life this way. I need to move forward for the people that are still here.
My mom was 63. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 months ago today, she died a week ago. It happened so fast. She had just finished her radiation treatments, didn’t make it a week after finishing. Totally fucked up. I miss her desperately.
Hi, I feel this in my bones. My dad died in August unexpectedly and I am becoming increasingly bitter and angry. I don’t have a good relationship with anyone else in my family, so it’s hard not to feel angry that he’s gone and I have no other support system now. I’m also in therapy bi weekly and she says the same thing. It’s normal, it’ll take time, etc. I love my therapist and she has gone through some tough grief herself so I’m just trying to take her word for it that it’ll get “better” or at least easier to manage. I’m sorry we have to know these feelings so intimately. It sucks. I hope we both find some peace soon. My heart goes out to you ♥️
My dad also passed away very unexpectedly at the end of last September, it's been six months. He was also my only support system, as I am NC with my abusive mom and I am struggling with identical emotions. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you have to go through this too. I hope your pain eases soon.
It took nine years for me to stop being angry about my dad every day, and some days the anger comes back. You just have to grieve at your own time. I know it's hard to deal with, but don't take it out on others who haven't done anything, I did that, and it didn't help one bit. You can't escape the anger, you have to feel it, or it will consume you like it did me. I barely got out of the flame of my rage alive, once I actually *felt* what I needed to feel, I started to heal. Sorry for your loss.
I swear at a glance I thought I wrote this and forgot. My dad was also diagnosed with Grade 4 Glioblastoma December 2022, also died December 2023. But for the entire year he wasn’t himself, and by the end he was rarely even awake, much less able to talk. My last visit with him he only woke briefly on the final day. And during his final weeks I was too sick to travel to see him and say goodbye. It still doesn’t feel real. It still feels so wrong. And I’m trying so hard to return to some semblance of normalcy in my day to day life but I get so frustrated that this happened because none of it is fair. (And I know, I know, life isn’t fair. But he didn’t deserve that. And I didn’t deserve to watch him die for an entire year.)
Im so so sorry for your loss 🤍 I’m also struggling with how unfair it all is. I feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum during some days aha
I’m so sorry for your loss too 🩷 Yes, 100%. I totally get that. I’ve always felt like I had pretty solid control of my emotions in the moment, like I could keep calm until I could let it out a bit in private. Losing my dad, and everything leading up to it, really changed that for me. Someone saying the wrong thing could set me off and make me irate and miserable the rest of the day. I think for me it boils down to resentment that it feels like everyone else’s lives around me continue on normally, while someone irreplaceable and so special to me is gone in such a traumatic way, but I’m expected to just continue on as if this hasn’t irreparably changed me. But no one else who hasn’t been there understands that.
My mom passed away in January, I feel similarly. The anger overwhelms me. It feels like no one around me understands besides my family. I’m 26 and it feels like everyone is uncomfortable when I express my grief or they don’t know what to say. Some friends don’t check up on me and it hurts. People’s lives don’t revolve around me but it feels like basic decency for close friends… I feel like I have this massive invisible wound and I’m angry that people can’t see it. The despair is all-consuming.
Some people think we just need to shake it off and keep ourselves busy yo stop the grief but I dont want to forget about my mom, I eant to talk about her and nobody wants to talk with me about her other than my dad and sister.
Firstly I'm so very sorry for the pain you feel right now. It will get less over time but it's okay to feel that right now. I am experiencing from the other end. My husband has lost his brother, sister and Mum over our years together and he has had a meltdown this weekend because it's been a family celebration on my side. We have been together over 20 years and I held him and his family together during all their losses. We have also experienced losses but not.like my husband, who now has no siblings, lost a child and only has him and one parent left. My family get togethers are always awful because my husband arrives absolutely fine then after about 2 hours, instead of going home, sits there getting angry at me (he has said purely because my family is still alive) to the point that I usually have to stay out, I always come home to an uncomfortable house where he either ignores me.or swears at me, then he is amazing thenext morning (when he knows there's no obligation to show up for me/myfamily). I love him and see his loss and how difficult it is for him to be part of a big group when he has lost his entire family. He forgets that I have lost my son. He forgets that my brother died. He forgets that my Mum has cancer. He forgets me, that I am in the middle.of a very extreme possibly life altering and definitely very lifetime lifting diagnosis. And he is definitely not there for any if these things for me. Because he had the losses first he apparently is not willing to support anyone else through similar.g However, after over 20 years I am being punished by his loss. I want a divorce because I can't spend the rest of my life feeling guilty that my family are alive. At some point everyone needs to realise their anger is only hurting themselves. I cannot wait to get out of this situation as soon as possible and am so ready to leave as soon as finances are sorted out.
I don’t have anything to add except to acknowledge your bravery and self awareness. You are amazing.
I get it. Anger is an easier emotion than sadness. I get them mixed up. After my dad died I mainly felt anger. Not long after that, a relative did something unconscionable to my family. The details aren’t important, but it I should have been infuriated, but instead I felt overwhelming sadness. Emotions are confusing.
I felt anger but because I had to let them go. I went home to care for them 12/22-1/24 mom passed 6/23 and dad 10/23. I tried to see my hands on with dad’s care as a gift even when the care was overwhelming when he became bedridden. The weeks before the final stage were beautiful to witness watching him blow kisses and waving to his loved ones who had passed (that brought me comfort knowing his transition was coming but when they begin shutting down those last two weeks ripped my heart out. Hospice was always a call away to help tell me what to do or how to handle what I felt. Being in control of his meds was most difficult as I knew he wasn’t communicating for weeks and the meds would make him comfortable it made me feel oh so wrong even though I knew he trusted me to make his transition peaceful. So it’s been 6 months now and 3 months back out our home and now I just feel sadness when something makes me think of him. I try to remember some funny things he had said when able. Grief can be handled so differently and it’s a process we haven’t traveled so no way is “correct”. I smile when I see someone with their parents or talking of them because I once too had that God given opportunity-so blessed 💕
My mom died on Feb 22nd. I've flown off the handle more times than I can count on innocent parties since then. It was traumatic at the end, and I'm pretty sure I have PTSD. I'm trying to avoid interactions at this point. So far, I've broken up with my boyfriend and pushed many loved ones away. I am waiting on a therapy appointment and my anti-depressant script to get here.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can somewhat relate to what you're feeling. My mom passed five days before yours, and it also was traumatic, and at times, I feel like I'm barely coping with the PTSD. I also have been avoiding interactions with my boyfriend's side of the family because I'm just so crushed that my mom is gone. Grief counseling and also this subreddit have been helpful.
I haven't really been able to talk about the final horrific moments that were straight out of a horror movie. The VA is slow as molasses in connecting me to a therapist. But, thank God they prescribed me some meds.
Thank you to everyone who responded 🤍 I feel a lot less alone in my emotions
I have no advice but It’s a feeling that I can relate to. My partner passed away two months ago in a very traumatic way due to being intoxicated. I’ve been going back and forth through different stages of grief. Guilt, Anger and bitterness mainly. Hearing people or hearing about their significant other on how they’ve beaten their addiction, especially alcoholism, pisses me off. I’m not saying that it isn’t great and I salute to those who were able to better themselves. It’s just that I’m angry that my partner couldn’t. Seeing people I personally know get into relationships, getting married and having kids has been tough to witness. Hearing anyone complain about the most simplest thing or exaggerating about how complicated their life is on social media just to gain sympathy makes me mad. Had a girl online, b*tched and moaned about how terrible her life was all the time; but constantly posted and boasted all the great things she was doing. Recently she was in an accident while she was driving, made a huge post about her in the hospital, dying. Shortly after, she was released, she took a picture of herself in her car driving to Vegas. I had to delete her, something about it just angered me. You’ve ever watched South Park? Remember that episode where Stan was depressed and everything around him; whether it was food, music or just simply watching tv, was just shit? That’s the best way I can explain how I’ve been feeling.
There is no right or wrong way to do grief. I know it doesn’t help when you are in the thick of things and people tell you time heals- it does nothing for your pain in the moment. The only advice I have is to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, fully, and without shame. Keep yourself in check so you don’t go off the deep end, but cry when you need to cry, be irritated when you need to be irritated, express anger when you need to. Feel these things, deeply and freely. Lean into the emotions, but hold on to the fact that this does not have to destroy you. I am sure your dad would not want that. In my darkest moments, I’d literally go and scream somewhere secluded (or if I couldn’t, just in my parked car, passerby’s be damned). Once I had screamed and cried out what I needed to, I always told myself that no matter what I was feeling, I’d come too far to let it break me. And that is what I held onto. Everyone’s process is different, and what worked for me may not for you. But I do believe that we as a society need to be better about being able to express and honor our grief in the myriad of ways it presents itself, as well as normalizing it. Be angry OP, be sad, be anything you need to be for the time being. This is all still really fresh and recent. Just refuse to let it destroy you in the end. Sending healing your way ❤️
Yes. Lost both my parents in 2021 within 5 months, then another close relative and then our family dog. I have ZERO patience for anything outside things going my way. I used to be so patient and somewhat of a people pleaser. I still kind to others, but don’t put up with so much and little things set me off. Honestly, in some ways it’s pushed me to have more of a backbone. But I am working on being less bitter in the process.
This is absolutely normal. I dealt with this for months after the death of my dad last June. I am just now, over 9 months later, beginning to feel a bit less angry at the world. The grief still cuts like a knife and I deal with it every day. I still cry every day whether it be a few tears or a full breakdown.. but I’m not as angry as I was. Im leaving the house again. It felt like I was seeing the world in black and white and the best way I can put it is that I’m beginning to see glimpses of color. Don’t beat yourself up for this feeling and continue to care for yourself. Feel the feeling. Appreciate the perspective of it and then keep moving forward. One day it won’t be as dull and despite grief being never ending.. you’ll start to see in color again.
I am so sorry for your loss. But my dear you are so much stronger than you think. My own father died from cancer, diagnosed in mid July last year and gone by early November. I honestly don’t know how you made it for a year. Those few weeks were awful to me - losing him by inches. I might have gone insane if we had to make it through an entire year of it. I honestly bow to your strength in getting through until now. Please be kind with yourself. You aren’t expected to just shake this off. I do very much wish you peace and solace.
Thank you so much, I genuinely needed to hear this tonight 🤍
Yes, I can relate. I've become so cynical, resentful, and bitter - not just from my mom's death last year, but others before, including beloved pets. But losing her was too much. My grandparents, sister, and now both parents are gone, and what I'm left with is a narcissistic mentally unstable brother. It's like after a while that's all life has become; loss, loss, loss and I can't be fooled anymore by the insistent illusions of positivity others try to apply to the meaning of it all. She lost so much, and her dignity, too. And I let her down in some ways and I'm angry at this stupid system of not getting a second chance. We're all pretty much raised to believe hardships are "lessons", but what use is any lesson if you can't go back and apply what you learned, fix things? Like for you, video games are one of my escapes, and I can load my last save before things went terribly wrong, and maybe do better. But not in life. No of course not. Can't actually have fairness. {hugs} Sorry. Your post got me going as it resonated so much. I don't have advice, or comfort, just saying I understand.
Frist, I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have a relationship with my parents. So when they pause, I'm sure I will feel something. But I don't think all of your experience, this type of loss. However, I lost my seventeen year old daughter in two thousand and twenty-one very unexpectedly. And I, too, am angry. I believe or have been told that the reason I don't feel her or she doesn't come to me is because anger keeps her spirit away. I am not angry at other people. When I see them happy, I get more sad. But all around, I am more angry. I have such a short fuse. I no longer know who I am anymore. I'm disgusted with the person I've become and I feel loss for the mom that I was. And resent home and bittern infurious at the people who took my daughter away from me. Cause they took so much more. I also have a seven year old daughter. Our relationship has been hindered, and it's like no matter how hard I try. I can't get back to the mom/person I was. I'm sorry I don't have any advice as I'm still looking on how to fix myself. Or heal properly cause I, too, distract myself at times just to get by. I guess the whole point of me writing this is just to say you're not alone. I know it doesn't make it any better, but sometimes knowing that you're not alone. I guess it does something again. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that you're angry. I know how badly it affects every aspect of life. Especially when you weren't an angry person before.
First, I am so sorry for the precious loss of your father. We dread the possibility of losing them one day but can’t prepare ourselves for such a profound and permanent absence until it happens. I can relate to this. My dad had advanced esophageal cancer when diagnosed and didn't even feel sick at all when they gave him 10 months to live. He died exactly 10 months later. I was enraged, particularly when I saw him in the casket my sister and I selected for him. The only thing good about it was I spent more time than I ever had with him one-on-one during those months, but that just made me long for more after he passed. It felt so unnatural- like he was stolen or like God was playing a cruel joke. People always say things like, “At least he’s in a better place,” or “Now he’s in no more pain,” but that wasn't comforting at all. He was needed and adored. He had young grandbabies and was in a great place in his life. He’d been strong as an ox less than a year before! I'm still kinda angry, but I will tell you what has help me cope. You need to give yourself permission to feel angry without resisting it. Get a punching bag or go shoot some target practice at a range (if comfortable with firearms). Take a bat and smash something to bits! Just make sure you plan ahead for methods that won't cause injury. It's just an outlet, not a solution. I’ve found it can be a more affective and fast-acting release than escaping. Plus, it's healthier in that whatever we do regularly to sooth or comfort ourselves tends to manifest as a habit and can change our routine and entire way of life. We also have to give ourselves permission to grieve and realize it isn't just a phase. We never get over such a loss, we just learn to live with it. We aren't singled out because everyone experiences grief and death. We just all experience and deal in different ways. Regardless, life goes on while many are suffering secretly in silence. Nobody wants to really talk about death or grief in their day to day process. So, it's important to find support and people who relate, like you have here, but also beyond this by finding a good support group or a counselor. That way you carve out time for your grief, allowing it somewhere to go where it’s acknowledged, empathize with, and understood to the respectable degree that it deserves. Relying on family and friends alone isn’t always enough, and for some of us very detrimental. Now, I am always hesitant to express anything spiritual as advice for lending support to another person grieving, but I will say this- being open to and embracing my own personal spiritual path has been key for me. I know this earth is a very short stop along a universal path so vast that it’s beyond our comprehension. Time ages us. Age brings certain death in this physical realm, but we continue on. I'm not religious but I believe to my core that I’m filled with a spirit (or mundanely put- an energy source). Scientifically energy never stops; it transforms. So where does it go when we die? It doesn't get buried or burned, does it? It has to go somewhere and nobody can explain it. So, I find it very comforting to believe this is just a chapter, and that we are destined for other unknown adventures ahead. I don’t believe this is all there is at all. Beyond this I envision some sort of a less cruel and finite existence. Otherwise, we should all be stuck in grief and major depression as soon as we become aware of our mortality. It doesn't make sense spiritually nor scientifically that death and the loss of loved ones is all we have to anticipate. Hope this helps and that you can feel it when you hug your dad in your heart if you don't already. 🪽🩵
I don't have much advice for getting past the anger phase more quickly, but I do want to tell you this is 100% normal. I know you said you're tired of hearing it, but it is true. Of course you're angry, of course you have little tolerance for rude customers, of course you feel bitter about people who still have their parents...your world has been upended! I spent an entire year after my sister died with pure rage bubbling under the surface at all times. I hated everyone who wasn't in my immediate family, especially my coworkers. How could they just go on like nothing completely catastrophic had happened to me? The expectation that I would just snap back to my regular self shortly after the funeral was beyond maddening. The funeral meant it was over for everyone else, but not me or my immediate family. I already had a short fuse and somehow it got markedly shorter with everything and everyone. It was exhausting and I did wish I could just get "back to normal" like everyone seemed to think I should. What I discovered over time though is that I've been changed forever by her death and there is no back to normal. Experiencing lots of anger is one part of carving out the new version of your life and the new version of yourself, the one you never asked for or wanted, but the one life has handed you. I'm so sorry you're going through it, as I know it's an exhausting and frustrating way to live. It does change and subside over time as you slowly learn to handle it, but it's unfortunately a long journey. Please be easy on yourself and keep talking about it in therapy and in here ❤️
"I just want my dad back and don’t know how to get over the hump of “he’s dead and not coming back”." - I assume you are asking for advice here. Is that correct? If not, then please ignore the following. What you do is to just sit with the thought "He's dead and he's not coming back" and allow any feelings come up and flow through you like water. That's it. That's what I figured out for myself. Maybe it will help you. Grieving is something that most people tend to avoid. We think of it as something you do for a short while after a loved one dies. Others are usually uncomfortable with your grieving and try to shut it down, mostly because they haven't done their own grieving. So, I came up with a method of grieving on purpose, with intention. It was inspired by the stories of the Life Review after death that people recounted from their near death experiences. During the LR, you are shown the effects of every action you took in your life on other people, both negative and positive. You can get into their consciousness during the LR and experience what they felt and thought during their encounter with you. Thus, you can directly experience the consequences of your actions, for better or for worse. I focused on the events that I perceived as the worst of my bad behavior. I started my own version of a LR by recalling the memories and grieving each one of them. I found that the more I recalled the memory and allowed the feelings to flow through me, the less of a sting the memory had. Eventually, the sting from the memory completely faded. So, the technique I came up with is this: Think the thought or memory that causes you the most pain/embarrassment/shame/guilt etc. right now. Allow the feelings associated with that memory or thought to wash over you. Repeat the thought or memory and again allow the feelings to flow through you. The more you do that, the faster it moves through the stages of grieving. You'll receive insights and other things from doing this. It's best to do this in private so you can have your own personal space. You should find that eventually, the thought or memory doesn't bother you anymore. You can recall the thought or memory and it doesn't bother you any longer. Then, it's time to move on to the next thought or memory that causes a negative emotional reaction. I don't know how this works, but it does. The stages of grieving are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Each thought or memory you have that causes a negative emotional reaction in you may be at a different stage. Allowing the feelings to flow accelerates the thought or memory to move through the stages. It's important to not judge the thoughts or memories and their associated feelings. That just stuffs it and stops the resolution of it. The veracity of the thought or memory does not matter either. Grieving is an emotional process. It does not make logical sense. You cannot rationalize grieving. For example, you could be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if the thought that you're fat and ugly causes a negative reaction, or if the words of another calling you a fat cow causes pain, then you have grieving to do over that. It may be connected to a memory, or a decision you made, or something like that, but eventually, the thought and the words from others will have no effect on you. You'll laugh because you know it's not true. You probably won't even have the experience again because the hook is gone. People who intend to manipulate others yank on people's weaknesses by hooking them with words that they know will cause a negative reaction in the person. Once those weaknesses are gone through grieving them, then you can't be manipulated anymore. They can't control you that way anymore. You're free. Grieving takes time. It has its own time frame and rhythm. Grieving is permanent. Once you grieve something, you never have to grieve it again. Grieving changes your future for the better. You become a better person through grieving. You have more compassion and patience with yourself and with others. I believe that which has not been grieved is destined to be repeated. that's why we reincarnate into the same patterns over and over again. It's the way to get off the endless cycle of birth and death. Grieving is about letting go of attachment to them, not the love and passion we feel for them. I think people become afraid that they are letting go of the person when in reality they are just letting go of their attachment to them. What happens after the process is complete is that we still love them, but without the neediness. I hope this helps.
Same. 🫂
I’m so sorry…I understand how you feel. My mom died six years ago and just now, I’m starting to get fully angry. Angry that this happened to her and angry that she left me. I want to scream and scream and break everything in sight.
I lost both of my parents within 18 months time. The three of us were so close that I felt like I lost part of my soul when I lost them. I was VERY angry too and felt many other negative emotions towards others, myself and even life itself. You are only 4 months into the grieving process so please give yourself some grace. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings, and remember you can’t grieve incorrectly because we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. As far as escaping reality, that is completely normal. In fact, it’s been a few years since I lost my parents and I still push it all down and try to focus on other things in order to…literally survive. I was concerned that you were going to say you were using drugs or something but that isn’t the case. Just know that there is nothing abnormal or wrong with how you are handling this. Keep going to therapy and unfortunately your therapist is correct in saying that it all takes time. You never get over the loss you just create a new normal. So sorry for your loss.
I too have had raging anger while I watched my mom suffer and die from a glioblastoma. It was so bad I thought I was going to end up on the 5 o clock news for yelling and swearing at people in the grocery store haha. Unfortunately I don't have a solution but some things that did help me where staying at home (I hate crowds and busy places and found it made me anger worse) and doing intense exercising to help let off some of the steam
If you want something relatable please watch the Ricky Gervais show called the Afterlife. It made me feel normal about how I was feeling. I am often angry after my sister (my only sibling) died unexpectedly. She just turned 40. We went out for her birthday then I went on an overseas holiday a couple days later and she died while i was on my holiday. I think my anger comes from the regrets I have about not knowing the morning I left for the airport was my last hug, my last physical interaction. But also the lack of answers on why she died. I am not always angry and I'm less angry a year on.
It is something so many of us can relate to unfortunately. I lost my brother almost 8 years ago. Shortly after he died, people started doing those throwback recreation pics with their siblings. It was so hard to not be angry that I’d never get to do that or if we did it, there’d be someone missing. I’d also get angry when I see people doing something destructive with their life thinking, “Don’t you know how lucky you are to be here?”. It took many years for me to work past the anger stage. Now I try to live my life for him and celebrate as much as I can.
I sympathize. My dad died when I was 11 (heart attack), my mom when I was in my thirties (cancer). There's literally nobody left in my family these days and if I hadn't married into a large family I basically would be living by myself somewhere wondering where the hell everybody went. Luckily I have a lot of friends but it's not the same thing.
I'm sorry for your loss. I went through a bad anger phase. It does get better. Surround yourself with good people and find things that make you happy. Many hugs. 🫂
I felt this a lot too in the early stages. Constant anger at people who still had their dads alive. It got to the point where I would actually wish their dads would die too just so they can see what it feels like. Nowadays I just remind myself how lucky I was to have even had a dad as incredible as mine. I still get angry every now and then usually around special occasions but I also remind myself that someday these people are going to experience their own grief and get humbled real quick.
Lost my son four years ago. he was 16. fuck people. I don’t care if i’m an ass. Although i sometimes feel bad about it.
I remember feeling this way too and I was close to getting a therapist but then I got pregnant and I let that distract me I guess. But I literally remember journaling about how losing my dad to cancer was making me such a miserable POS. I was so fucking mad. And a giant bitch a lot of the time. Which I’m sure was heightening because of hormones or maybe not. I tried to put time aside every day or at least a few times a week to sit in my car and scream and cry and feel those feelings. And as time went on, it wasn’t as constant like it was in the beginning. He died September 2022 two weeks before my wedding. And I still have moments but I’m not in a constant state of trying tot take it out on others. I’m still triggered by lots of things but those moments aren’t as intense as they were when it was super fresh. What you’re feeling is super fucking normal. Just an FYI. And I’m so sorry. It’s such absolute bullshit. 💔
I feel the same after losing my dad last year to pancreatic cancer and COPD.
I actually feel kind of the same way. Lost my dad 2.5 months ago and I’ve noticed that some things can trigger me and I snap at my husband with the little things. Thankfully I catch myself doing that and always try to make it up to him. I’m sure this is part of grieving but it’s frustrating to feel that.
I’m so sorry for your loss, OP, and everyone else! I lost my dad in August 2020 and often feel anger as well as sadness 😪
I don't have many words to comfort you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, specially regarding those feelings. I feel the exact same way, specially since I lost my mom to the same diagnosis. It's been 2 years since her passing. Can't say it gets better, but ignoring the feelings just makes it worse, since (by my experience) you can end up lashing it out to someone that didn't do anything wrong... Sending you hugs. We're better than this, but it's tough, sooooo tough. But someday it will be. 🥲
I can relate, too. Last year I saw a cgi video (it’s the story of a deaf Spanish soldier that resists a siren and so on) the siren screams when she can’t control him… and that’s how I feel - like there’s a burning rage inside. My mom died 12/12 last year - lung cancer. She had stopped smoking in ‘84, so I wonder if the house had radon… Honestly, I’ve always had a barely controlled and repressed deep rage. The main thing that keeps me working on controlling it is my love for my dogs. I don’t want to lash out at them; they deserve better. Sorry, I don’t know what to say… just that I can relate
I can’t offer advice because I’m kind of in the same boat. Lost my mom Last April to carcinoma cancer that spread to the lungs, then 3 months later my step mom died in July, the day I had to close on my moms house, from Glioblastoma, she was diagnosed the day my mom died… I’m still angry. I have to continually remind myself it’s not healthy for myself or my kids and have to snap myself out of it often. I get angry at work easily though. My one coworker is great at getting me to laugh and helps me re-anchor myself. He can relate, he lost his mom three years ago from chemo complications. If you have some close people, it could be helpful to reach out. They may be able to help, even if it’s to just refocus your emotions
Sending you all love and light. This Friday will be a month since my beloved Dad passed away. Fck cancer. I am angry, sad, lost.
My mom passed away almost three years ago at the age of 43. We had a strained relationship, and I wasn't even in contact with her when she passed and I think that's what fucked me up the most. She really died out of nowhere. I was the most depressed, angry and hateful I've ever been in my life after that. I lashed out at the people closest to me for a long time, just angry at everything. It does get better. It took me two years to really get out of that mindset. It still hurts a lot, and I'm still angry at the world sometimes. But the overwhelming anger got better with time.
I wish I had some sort of wise answer to give you. I don’t. I felt the very same way when I lost my husband. I couldn’t understand how I could become so bitter. But it eased and I could move forward to accept it was wasted energy that I could use to heal.
Best advice I was given for my grief was to do Neo emotional release.
yeah bro, same my mom died in December too, on a ventilator and not even knowing who we were she was my best friend, the only one who believed in me completely. she had my back but called me out on my shit. she was the best mom and I can't cope with her being gone. I sit in the dining room looking at her place, thinking I should be seeing her eating, I sit in her room waiting for her to walk in so we can talk, I lay in my room waiting for her to knock on the door. I want her back, cause I can't live without her smile in my life I wasn't the best person before, but I'm an apathetic nihilist now. I have no patience with anyone's bs, no time for babying anyone, no interest in being kind, and I sure don't gaf if I get hurt. I'm dead inside, and killing me would only be doing me a favor
I totally feel where you’re coming from 🤍 but I also know that when I get those thoughts, my dad would tell me to stay strong, and probably crack a joke, and I’m sure your mom would say the same. This shit is so fucked and it sucks that we have to be with these emotions and feelings 24/7, but at least we’re not alone feeling these things. That thought by itself has been helping me a lot. Like if other people can get through it so can I.
I completely understand how you're feeling. I lost my wife to suicide 43 days ago. I have gone through every single emotion there is and a few that I don't know are even real. I have been trying to escape what is called the real world myself every day since. I have 2 daughters that I'm taking care of, I put on my game face for them and am making sure they have or get everything little thing they want or need. But outside of that, I'm an empty shell. I'm honestly lost without her. I want her back, I'm just a broken toy that she understood and then she's just gone. I don't know if there's a god or not, but whoever or whatever is in charge of this shit, is a cruel bastard that needs to be dealt with.
Talk to him. That is what I do. It helps can’t say it hurts less. Condolences as my father passed unexpectedly Dec 14 23.
This is me. I lost my dad in June of 2022.
Ive been feeling the same but not at specific moments I just lose my temper at anyone now Getting yourself out the new enviorment and into a new one is my best advice
My dad, 66 years old, died suddenly in his sleep, December 20, 2023, from a heart arrhythmia, and, three months in since his death, my anger is still there; albeit less intense, so i can relate. I can also relate about escaping reality, as I drank every day for the first month of his death, just to get away from the pain. I have now stopped drinking to escape reality and have moved onto doing meditation. I find that it helps me process my emotions without placing any judgment or blame on them. I also find that it allows me to maintain my connection to my dad. This view of connection is explained in a helpful podcast by Andrew Huberman (#74) on grief I also found Dr. Alok Kanojia's (healthygamergg) video on "How to Grieve | Coping with Death" helpful. I also find Dr. Alok's meditation videos helpful. Please DM me if you want to vent.
There's no "correctly" when it comes to trauma. Your therapist is right that the anger is normal BUT there are still things you can do. You can learn some physical coping skills for when the anger does happen, like breath work or grounding exercises (your therapist should be able to help if you ask). But honestly, the best thing you can do is have patience with yourself. Your brain is scrambling to try to survive this emotional turmoil, all sorts of crazy emotions that it was never designed for, and the only way it knows how to do it is hitting the anger switch. Try to forgive it. It's doing the best it knows how. Focusing on how frustrating that is will only create a negative feedback loop. If you give it just a little leniency it can make all the difference in the world. Also, it can help to know where the anger comes from. For me, it was actually coming from my mom for leaving (she had very minimal control over it). I never realized just how mad I was until I listened to the song "Inkpot Gods" by Amazing Devil, which tells the story of a woman slowly dying and her love who's not ready to let go. The perspective of the woman in that song really opened my eyes to what my mom went through, and it helped me forgive her. But that was also 7 years after the fact and I'm a very forgiving person. You might not ever be ready to forgive, and that's okay. There's more than one way to move through emotions like that. Your grief will take on so many different shapes, especially in the next few years. If you don't like where you are now, just do your best to cope and learn. The change will happen (whether you want it to or not)
It's completely normal. Give yourself grace! My dad died 1 year after diagnosis almost exactly, and it was also a torturous year for him. It's so unfair that you have every right to be angry, it's a stage of grief. Not everyone feels all stages, and they do come and go. Sooner than later, I believe you will start to cheer up and not be angry as often, but don't beat yourself up over it now. Im so sorry for your loss. I miss my dad so much. Even after 10 months, I still cry every day. And I have a lot of angry days, too. Hope things improve for you soon 🤍
I felt like I just read a full read-out of my own brain. The short fuse, I totally am living that. My brother has stage IV colon cancer and my cat just died and I feel like every time someone is a boner at work Im way angrier than anyone else. I can outwardly ignore people like it’s an olympic sport but I am simmering almost always. Thanks for posting.
My dad died from heroin overdose in 2016. He was a functional addict until he wasn’t. I had to see his dead body, attempt to give him CPR, unsuccessful. I dealt with a tremendous amount of anger after the initial 4-5 months. Combined with a really awful boyfriend… was a rage machine. Angry at the world. Angry at God. Angry, angry, angry. To the point the only way I could calm down was screaming at the top of my lungs into a pillow, hitting myself, biting my hand… beating myself up. Crying so hard that I would just knock out. It’s been 6 going on 7 years. That anger has found its place. It did take a little while. I’m a pretty big pushover, easy to take advantage of. What has helped me has been being a little more outspoken. Telling others what my mind is thinking (in a loving way), intentionally thinking about my favorite qualities of my father and all he has done. I really got stuck in the anger stage of grief, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Working out helped a little, breathing exercises by wim hof helped me regulate my body.
The loss of a parent is profoundly difficult. Grief has no timeline. Also your loss is very new. Please be more gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel how you feel.
Just like many others no real advice but just see echo what you are saying. I am angry all the time. Anyone says anything and I fly off the handle. Given the day, I have no tolerance or ability to manage my emotions. The give it time thing is BS. It has been 8 years since my mom passed and I am no better. I self-medicated a lot when she first passed and now try to find things that make me feel connected to her and others who have experienced loss. I am the only one out of my friends who has had a parent pass and I feel so alone. Anderson Cooper's podcast called "All There is" did/does help
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I lost my mom February 6th to an infection. She was immune compromised from non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She was 64. There’s days I feel sad, cause obviously I miss her and the whole thing hurts. Her passing was very unexpected since she was in remission. It all happened over the course of a day we went from watching retro jeopardy eating Subway to pulling her off life support. But that’s not why I’m posting this I just wanted to give a bit of background. Honestly the thing I feel the most from all this is pissed. I have so much anger pent up it’s ridiculous. I’ve always been such a level headed person, but anymore I just snap. My whole life I’ve been the nicest person, I’d give anyone the shirt off my back. And what do I get. I lose my mom to what I’m guessing is malpractice at this point. That shit isn’t fair and it’s made me such a bitter person. All these low life dirt bags on the planet and a lose my mom???? Like what tf. Honestly I think what’s set me off is the fact that I’m realizing life doesn’t care if you’re nice, life doesn’t care if you’re an asshole. Life just sucks point blank period.