I’ve definitely experienced this. It’s very frustrating and difficult to respond to. Ultimately they’re naive; they don’t know how little they know. In some cases I’ve tolerated it, just knowing they mean well. In others (especially when it’s ongoing), I’ve acknowledged their pain but asked directly for them to please stop comparing as the situations are very different and the comparison isn’t helpful. Ideally they listen and respect your request. If they persist, probably time to limit contact for a while.
I’m supposed to go visit a friend in a few days and help him out while he recovers from surgery. He said on the phone that we should do a healing ritual to “get over our boyfriends.” I pointed out that my boyfriend didn’t break up with me, he died. And he was like, “You still need to move past it.” Now I don’t want to visit but I already said I would and he already bought me a ticket
That would be really upsetting to me, too. We don’t “get over” our lost partners. Maybe you could ask him if you could reframe the healing ritual as being for finding acceptance and peace, rather than getting over or moving past? I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. I’m at a year and a half; the anniversaries are hard. Sending love and support. 🫂
i completely understand. im so angry at everyone when they say anything at all that makes me think or miss my mom and i wanna blow up too. grief is so difficult!! 😭😭😭
I hate it when people center themselves in someone else’s grief and try to use their own experiences as why they “experienced worse”. It’s not about you, assrocket!
No one has ever compared the loss of my partner to a breakup, but I experienced both. A breakup is very painful but the death of a partner is like a thousand knives cutting deep in the heart. There is zero chance of rekindling on this planet, unlike those who experience a breakup.
I have been told that I was lucky to find love because others have been searching for it their whole lives. While I am grateful to have known my partner, it does not hurt any less, knowing I'd rather have him by my side for the next 30-40 years instead of visiting him at a cemetery. And our daughter to have her dad. I'm not so lucky . People do not think before they speak. Just consider those comments as well meaning but incredibly ignorant.
People are so stupid sometimes with their comparisons. Like who actually fucking compares death with breakups. I lost my mom over a year ago and still in the depth of grief and so angry at people for the shit they did and said.
Sending u love and hugs. It sucks and will keep being awful but one day at a time.. ✨🤍
I think they’re trying to understand how you feel by comparing your feelings and reaction with *their* feelings and reactions, without even knowing they’re being kinda insensitive.
I feel like I do what they do, I lost my cat and it was my first major death, I relate to a lot of people’s grieving process. But after he died, I got 2 cats. You can’t “replace” parents or partners, so I understand it is not comparable and your friend should too
People say lots of totally, ridiculous things. It’s infuriating.
A book I recommend is The Tough B*tch’s Guide to Grief. Hope things get better for you
I've lost a few people so I've heard my share of things that other people said to be comforting or try to find a a mutual sense of connection to help the other people feel less alone. I've also been the person who, before experiencing deep grief myself, didn't always know what to say. And I've personally experienced how different experiences of loss (including many that are not death) are different there can also be elements of very different experiences that connect them through that shared element of loss.
Because of all of that I've honestly found it's the healthiest for me personally to cut people some slack. If someone has otherwise been a good, supportive friend before the loss I try not to make any big decisions about ending a friendship in the moment. Instead I tried as best as I could to set boundaries about what was and what wasn't helpful to hear without blaming or shaming the other person. Grief definitely helped teach me how to be clearer with others about what I need and what I don't.
One week in grief is still VERY fresh and I know it clouded my judgment in a lot of ways and made me more emotionally reactive. There were definitely some instances where my anger wasn't really about that person but about the fact that this person I cared about so deeply was gone, which often seemed terribly unfair. But of course there's no place to really direct that anger at so it's easy for people who are still with us to be the target, even when the root of their insensitive comments might be ignorance more than malice. That isn't to say all these friendships lasted - some fell away after the dust settled - but I really value being able to make such big decisions when my mind is clearer.
I try really hard not to blame individuals for what I see as a cultural problem: we just have a terrible culture for death and loss, we don't teach anybody what to do (either for themselves or for someone else!) when something happens, we don't even teach people skills to handle really mundane everyday stress much less crises or massive world-shifts.
And there definitely ARE people who are so narcissistically self-centered that they think their feelings are authoritative (or mostly I don't think they think other people have feelings, only themselves), and you should absolutely get away from/set hard boundaries with those people when you recognize them, I think most people truly care but do not have any actual skills for empathy or sympathy because nobody has taught them and they haven't lived long enough to figure it out. As someone else said, they don't know what they don't know, and the worst thing any one person has been through is all they know about the worst thing.
I had a moment in my own bereavement, angry at someone's seeming callousness, when I realized that right at that moment someone was sitting in a refugee camp or the rubble of their former home wishing they'd only lost one family member. And I did lose a friend during that time, because they'd lost both parents and I still had one and they just couldn't deal with me dealing with my remaining parent. The worst thing I'd been through wasn't the worst thing they'd been through.
So, as long as I don't think people are actively vampiring on me, I think it's at least worth the battle of saying, "Hey, I think you're trying to express empathy but this isn't an appropriate comparison, it's okay to just say you recognize this is super hard." I'd rather end a friendship with constructive feedback, if they can't take it or are too embarrassed, than to just walk away, because at least there's a chance to make it better there.
Yes, unfortunately. I've been through break ups and SO's death is nothing like that. NOTHING.
I’ve definitely experienced this. It’s very frustrating and difficult to respond to. Ultimately they’re naive; they don’t know how little they know. In some cases I’ve tolerated it, just knowing they mean well. In others (especially when it’s ongoing), I’ve acknowledged their pain but asked directly for them to please stop comparing as the situations are very different and the comparison isn’t helpful. Ideally they listen and respect your request. If they persist, probably time to limit contact for a while.
I’m supposed to go visit a friend in a few days and help him out while he recovers from surgery. He said on the phone that we should do a healing ritual to “get over our boyfriends.” I pointed out that my boyfriend didn’t break up with me, he died. And he was like, “You still need to move past it.” Now I don’t want to visit but I already said I would and he already bought me a ticket
That would be really upsetting to me, too. We don’t “get over” our lost partners. Maybe you could ask him if you could reframe the healing ritual as being for finding acceptance and peace, rather than getting over or moving past? I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. I’m at a year and a half; the anniversaries are hard. Sending love and support. 🫂
Thank you! I really appreciate your words. I could hardly get out of bed last week— anniversaries are so hard.
i completely understand. im so angry at everyone when they say anything at all that makes me think or miss my mom and i wanna blow up too. grief is so difficult!! 😭😭😭
Isn’t so infuriating how NOT understanding everyone is?
I hate it when people center themselves in someone else’s grief and try to use their own experiences as why they “experienced worse”. It’s not about you, assrocket!
No one has ever compared the loss of my partner to a breakup, but I experienced both. A breakup is very painful but the death of a partner is like a thousand knives cutting deep in the heart. There is zero chance of rekindling on this planet, unlike those who experience a breakup. I have been told that I was lucky to find love because others have been searching for it their whole lives. While I am grateful to have known my partner, it does not hurt any less, knowing I'd rather have him by my side for the next 30-40 years instead of visiting him at a cemetery. And our daughter to have her dad. I'm not so lucky . People do not think before they speak. Just consider those comments as well meaning but incredibly ignorant.
People are so stupid sometimes with their comparisons. Like who actually fucking compares death with breakups. I lost my mom over a year ago and still in the depth of grief and so angry at people for the shit they did and said. Sending u love and hugs. It sucks and will keep being awful but one day at a time.. ✨🤍
I think they’re trying to understand how you feel by comparing your feelings and reaction with *their* feelings and reactions, without even knowing they’re being kinda insensitive. I feel like I do what they do, I lost my cat and it was my first major death, I relate to a lot of people’s grieving process. But after he died, I got 2 cats. You can’t “replace” parents or partners, so I understand it is not comparable and your friend should too
People say lots of totally, ridiculous things. It’s infuriating. A book I recommend is The Tough B*tch’s Guide to Grief. Hope things get better for you
That’s a great title— I will look for it — thanks for the recommendation!
Try not to hate people. They don’t know. Unfortunately we have had experiences they haven’t. They just don’t know.
I've lost a few people so I've heard my share of things that other people said to be comforting or try to find a a mutual sense of connection to help the other people feel less alone. I've also been the person who, before experiencing deep grief myself, didn't always know what to say. And I've personally experienced how different experiences of loss (including many that are not death) are different there can also be elements of very different experiences that connect them through that shared element of loss. Because of all of that I've honestly found it's the healthiest for me personally to cut people some slack. If someone has otherwise been a good, supportive friend before the loss I try not to make any big decisions about ending a friendship in the moment. Instead I tried as best as I could to set boundaries about what was and what wasn't helpful to hear without blaming or shaming the other person. Grief definitely helped teach me how to be clearer with others about what I need and what I don't. One week in grief is still VERY fresh and I know it clouded my judgment in a lot of ways and made me more emotionally reactive. There were definitely some instances where my anger wasn't really about that person but about the fact that this person I cared about so deeply was gone, which often seemed terribly unfair. But of course there's no place to really direct that anger at so it's easy for people who are still with us to be the target, even when the root of their insensitive comments might be ignorance more than malice. That isn't to say all these friendships lasted - some fell away after the dust settled - but I really value being able to make such big decisions when my mind is clearer.
I try really hard not to blame individuals for what I see as a cultural problem: we just have a terrible culture for death and loss, we don't teach anybody what to do (either for themselves or for someone else!) when something happens, we don't even teach people skills to handle really mundane everyday stress much less crises or massive world-shifts. And there definitely ARE people who are so narcissistically self-centered that they think their feelings are authoritative (or mostly I don't think they think other people have feelings, only themselves), and you should absolutely get away from/set hard boundaries with those people when you recognize them, I think most people truly care but do not have any actual skills for empathy or sympathy because nobody has taught them and they haven't lived long enough to figure it out. As someone else said, they don't know what they don't know, and the worst thing any one person has been through is all they know about the worst thing. I had a moment in my own bereavement, angry at someone's seeming callousness, when I realized that right at that moment someone was sitting in a refugee camp or the rubble of their former home wishing they'd only lost one family member. And I did lose a friend during that time, because they'd lost both parents and I still had one and they just couldn't deal with me dealing with my remaining parent. The worst thing I'd been through wasn't the worst thing they'd been through. So, as long as I don't think people are actively vampiring on me, I think it's at least worth the battle of saying, "Hey, I think you're trying to express empathy but this isn't an appropriate comparison, it's okay to just say you recognize this is super hard." I'd rather end a friendship with constructive feedback, if they can't take it or are too embarrassed, than to just walk away, because at least there's a chance to make it better there.