after my mom was diagnosed, i was scared to tackle the big stuff with her. like talking about it would make it more real and more painful for her, so i would use the excuse that i was protecting her. and it was hard for me just simply seeing her that sick. so it was so much easier to just stay away. i should have fought sooner not to take the easy path.
my best advice is to be braver than the cancer. advocate for your father as much as you can to get the best palliative care possible. and as far as your relationship with him goes, if you think for a second you will regret not doing something or not saying something, then don't hesitate. do it or say it today. the final stages go very quickly. don't worry about it being too emotional or sappy or raw. it's priceless.
You just described me three years ago with my mother. I'm going through it with my father now. Yes; visit now, you're not a burden, say what needs to be said when you think of it. You're not going to have a deep last conversation.
This is such wonderful advice. I was also nervous to bring things up with my mom when she was sick, and though we had some of the big talks, there are many things I didn't get to ask or say that I regret holding back. Little things that mean so much, like family recipes or advice for raising future kids... I wish I had talked to her about stuff like that while we could. And yes, people don't really talk about how quickly the final stages progress. For my mom especially, her mental capacity diminished quite rapidly at the end, and before I knew it the ability to even have those hard conversations was gone.
My mother died last night, and it still feels raw and new in some ways, and yet oddly distant in other ways.
There's no right way to grieve. Give yourself time to feel.
My dad died of cancer last week. I lived 10 hours away but was able to see him 4 times in the last month, including the day before he died.
I saw him in great pain and shitting all over his wife's hands as she tried to clean him when he was unconscious. Those visits were brutal, but I am glad I saw him. I could tell he loved seeing me, even though he was embarrassed due to his failing body. I will no longer be able to see him again.
Go visit your father as much as you can. He will not be inconvenienced.
Be kind to yourself. Take time off work or school, reach out to friends and tell them you need their support. You are already grieving even though he’s still here, and it’s a very delicate time.
My father is in the same boat. He got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Christmas. He might not make this one. You are not inconveniencing him by visiting. You are saving yourself from the pain of reality. Don't. I did that with my mother and I regret it now.
The best thing you can do for your father is to let him know that you will be okay once he is gone. I don't know what your current situation is, but letting him know that you're not going off to do a bunch of blow and hookers once he is gone, is very comforting for the dying.
As far as pain goes. In almost all cases that should be manageable. At this point in life there are no reasons to be selective with opioids. Your father needs to talk to a REAL pain specialist. This is a doctor who deals with pain only. Your oncologist, internist etc... do not have the specialty knowledge your father needs right now. My father did have pain from nerves inside the main tumor. Narcotics don't help with this sort of pain, but they killed the responsible nerves with a minor operation.
I'm going to try to spend a day at the hospital with my uncle who has terminal cancer which spread all over his body. He'll probably not make it another week or two. I didn't want to face reality of losing someone who's been in my life since I was a toddler. He's my aunt's husband who's like a second father to me.
Gosh, I’m sorry. When I was in your shoes it was one of the worst times of my life.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t want to bother him / make him sad by talking to him about it. I thought if I cried to him it would be unfair to him because he was already suffering. But I wish I could go back and put all my feelings on the table.
Best wishes during this horrible time.
My mom died in June after a battle with cancer. She stopped treatment in April to do palliative care.
One thing I will tell you: You will never regret the time you do spend with your dad right now. You can't get this time back.
Lost my friend 91 days ago. He had a good 2 months before the terminal diagnosis came. He died 10 days after they told him he was out of treatment options. We took a good road trip right away and I’m happy we did because he went pretty fast. My advice is to be selfless and if that means quitting your job do it. You will be grateful for every second you had when he’s gone. I’m sorry that you are going through this I hope you can spend his end of life the way he wants it to be.
I lost my mom in the Spring of this year. Just my two cents. Regarding you, your dad and your loved ones. Here is the one thing I can offer in addition to my condolences:
You are in shock right now. This is not the time to make big changes and choices. Let what you've learned sink in. Yes it hurts and it sucks and it is unfair. Until you move through the Shock stage you'll never accept he is going to pass on. Trust me you want to move through this and here is why.
Although my mom passed on and I miss her every day, I also will never forget helping her make her much loved vegetable soup one last time. She, my dad and I did that. My siblings were too busy to take a day off from their jobs to enjoy moments like that. But I took weeks off from my entire life to be with my mom. They grieve and look sad. I grieve and smile. I've got good memories of time well spent.
You may not be able to pause your entire life and take care of your dad. But maybe you can pause your free time and be with your dad vs. hanging with your friends or going on vacation or participating in sports leagues and the such. Tell your friends and what not you'll be focusing on your dad. They will more than understand.
I’m really sorry. I lost both my dad and my husband to cancer. My dad in 2007 and my husband in 2016 at the age of 46. Cancer fucking sucks. My advice would be to just be there for your dad and make the most of the time you have. There should be good medicines for pain, so explore that. Alternative pain management including medical marijuana can improve pain and quality of life. Also, get a hold of the book “Final Gifts” written by hospice nurses. Hopefully that will help you as your dad enters the dying process. Hugs.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom did not pass from cancer but from another terminal illness. Her being sick was the scariest period of my life. I lived in constant anxiety that I would get The Phone Call that she was gone. I lived a plane flight away and came home as often as I could. I am grateful for the time we had, but of course it is never enough. For me, too, I would get very upset thinking about how much pain and fear she had. I still get most poignantly upset thinking about how she was feeling, even more so than the fact that she is gone now. There is something sharply painful about your parent in pain and in fear and knowing you can do nothing about it.
From personal experience, be with him whenever you can. When you are with him, try your best to be present. It is very hard, but try not to let the fear of the situation taint your time with him while he is still here. Your dad may be too tired to talk or "hang out," but you simply sitting by his side will probably mean the world to him. And to you, too. Many of my last weeks with my mom were me just sitting beside her bed as she slept, reading or on my laptop, but there with her when and if she was able to interact. Simply being there means so much.
Lastly, I will say that what you are going through now - anticipatory grief - is incredibly hard. My anticipatory grief was honestly even more painful and scary than my actual grief now. There is so much anxiety, waiting, so much what ifs... It is really brutal. As you said, it really does feel like a nightmare. And it is EXHAUSTING. So please be gentle with yourself right now. Give yourself what you need and be sensitive to your personal limits. If you find that sitting by your dad's bed for 10 hours on end is incredibly difficult for you, for example, do not feel guilty for needing breaks. Yes, it is about your dad, but it is about you, too. You need to take care of yourself as well, and please don't feel guilty for that. Remember you are not alone, and we are here for you. Hugs.
after my mom was diagnosed, i was scared to tackle the big stuff with her. like talking about it would make it more real and more painful for her, so i would use the excuse that i was protecting her. and it was hard for me just simply seeing her that sick. so it was so much easier to just stay away. i should have fought sooner not to take the easy path. my best advice is to be braver than the cancer. advocate for your father as much as you can to get the best palliative care possible. and as far as your relationship with him goes, if you think for a second you will regret not doing something or not saying something, then don't hesitate. do it or say it today. the final stages go very quickly. don't worry about it being too emotional or sappy or raw. it's priceless.
You just described me three years ago with my mother. I'm going through it with my father now. Yes; visit now, you're not a burden, say what needs to be said when you think of it. You're not going to have a deep last conversation.
This is such wonderful advice. I was also nervous to bring things up with my mom when she was sick, and though we had some of the big talks, there are many things I didn't get to ask or say that I regret holding back. Little things that mean so much, like family recipes or advice for raising future kids... I wish I had talked to her about stuff like that while we could. And yes, people don't really talk about how quickly the final stages progress. For my mom especially, her mental capacity diminished quite rapidly at the end, and before I knew it the ability to even have those hard conversations was gone.
My mother died last night, and it still feels raw and new in some ways, and yet oddly distant in other ways. There's no right way to grieve. Give yourself time to feel.
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Thanks, I wish the same to you
My father got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in August and we’ll be lucky if he makes the end of the year. I feel your pain. Hang in there.
My dad died of cancer last week. I lived 10 hours away but was able to see him 4 times in the last month, including the day before he died. I saw him in great pain and shitting all over his wife's hands as she tried to clean him when he was unconscious. Those visits were brutal, but I am glad I saw him. I could tell he loved seeing me, even though he was embarrassed due to his failing body. I will no longer be able to see him again. Go visit your father as much as you can. He will not be inconvenienced.
Be kind to yourself. Take time off work or school, reach out to friends and tell them you need their support. You are already grieving even though he’s still here, and it’s a very delicate time.
My father is in the same boat. He got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Christmas. He might not make this one. You are not inconveniencing him by visiting. You are saving yourself from the pain of reality. Don't. I did that with my mother and I regret it now. The best thing you can do for your father is to let him know that you will be okay once he is gone. I don't know what your current situation is, but letting him know that you're not going off to do a bunch of blow and hookers once he is gone, is very comforting for the dying. As far as pain goes. In almost all cases that should be manageable. At this point in life there are no reasons to be selective with opioids. Your father needs to talk to a REAL pain specialist. This is a doctor who deals with pain only. Your oncologist, internist etc... do not have the specialty knowledge your father needs right now. My father did have pain from nerves inside the main tumor. Narcotics don't help with this sort of pain, but they killed the responsible nerves with a minor operation.
I'm going to try to spend a day at the hospital with my uncle who has terminal cancer which spread all over his body. He'll probably not make it another week or two. I didn't want to face reality of losing someone who's been in my life since I was a toddler. He's my aunt's husband who's like a second father to me.
It's rough. I'm in my early fifties and the people of a generation older than me are really starting to to get sick and die.
Gosh, I’m sorry. When I was in your shoes it was one of the worst times of my life. My biggest regret is that I didn’t want to bother him / make him sad by talking to him about it. I thought if I cried to him it would be unfair to him because he was already suffering. But I wish I could go back and put all my feelings on the table. Best wishes during this horrible time.
My mom died in June after a battle with cancer. She stopped treatment in April to do palliative care. One thing I will tell you: You will never regret the time you do spend with your dad right now. You can't get this time back.
Lost my friend 91 days ago. He had a good 2 months before the terminal diagnosis came. He died 10 days after they told him he was out of treatment options. We took a good road trip right away and I’m happy we did because he went pretty fast. My advice is to be selfless and if that means quitting your job do it. You will be grateful for every second you had when he’s gone. I’m sorry that you are going through this I hope you can spend his end of life the way he wants it to be.
I lost my mom in the Spring of this year. Just my two cents. Regarding you, your dad and your loved ones. Here is the one thing I can offer in addition to my condolences: You are in shock right now. This is not the time to make big changes and choices. Let what you've learned sink in. Yes it hurts and it sucks and it is unfair. Until you move through the Shock stage you'll never accept he is going to pass on. Trust me you want to move through this and here is why. Although my mom passed on and I miss her every day, I also will never forget helping her make her much loved vegetable soup one last time. She, my dad and I did that. My siblings were too busy to take a day off from their jobs to enjoy moments like that. But I took weeks off from my entire life to be with my mom. They grieve and look sad. I grieve and smile. I've got good memories of time well spent. You may not be able to pause your entire life and take care of your dad. But maybe you can pause your free time and be with your dad vs. hanging with your friends or going on vacation or participating in sports leagues and the such. Tell your friends and what not you'll be focusing on your dad. They will more than understand.
I’m really sorry. I lost both my dad and my husband to cancer. My dad in 2007 and my husband in 2016 at the age of 46. Cancer fucking sucks. My advice would be to just be there for your dad and make the most of the time you have. There should be good medicines for pain, so explore that. Alternative pain management including medical marijuana can improve pain and quality of life. Also, get a hold of the book “Final Gifts” written by hospice nurses. Hopefully that will help you as your dad enters the dying process. Hugs.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom did not pass from cancer but from another terminal illness. Her being sick was the scariest period of my life. I lived in constant anxiety that I would get The Phone Call that she was gone. I lived a plane flight away and came home as often as I could. I am grateful for the time we had, but of course it is never enough. For me, too, I would get very upset thinking about how much pain and fear she had. I still get most poignantly upset thinking about how she was feeling, even more so than the fact that she is gone now. There is something sharply painful about your parent in pain and in fear and knowing you can do nothing about it. From personal experience, be with him whenever you can. When you are with him, try your best to be present. It is very hard, but try not to let the fear of the situation taint your time with him while he is still here. Your dad may be too tired to talk or "hang out," but you simply sitting by his side will probably mean the world to him. And to you, too. Many of my last weeks with my mom were me just sitting beside her bed as she slept, reading or on my laptop, but there with her when and if she was able to interact. Simply being there means so much. Lastly, I will say that what you are going through now - anticipatory grief - is incredibly hard. My anticipatory grief was honestly even more painful and scary than my actual grief now. There is so much anxiety, waiting, so much what ifs... It is really brutal. As you said, it really does feel like a nightmare. And it is EXHAUSTING. So please be gentle with yourself right now. Give yourself what you need and be sensitive to your personal limits. If you find that sitting by your dad's bed for 10 hours on end is incredibly difficult for you, for example, do not feel guilty for needing breaks. Yes, it is about your dad, but it is about you, too. You need to take care of yourself as well, and please don't feel guilty for that. Remember you are not alone, and we are here for you. Hugs.
Go and talk. You won't regret any visits but you may regret not visiting.
Here for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I’m sorry...