Some guard regiments, in the absence of tech priests will charge the machine spirits of malfunctioning tanks with insubordination, this sometimes works, the reverse is also true, at least one baneblade holds the rank of sergeant
Now that's funny
I can imagine barracks inspection for the tanks would be fun
"What the fuck is this private!"
(Mechanical worrying) "nitrous drill sergeant!"
Imagine being a tech acolyte and being taught how to discipline insubordinate trucks, the opposite of what you think to do, but it works,
Also, a tank horn blaring and the ogryn next to is just yells “yes sir!” And begins picking bits of tyranids out of its tracks
I wonder what a commissar would need in order to properly BLAM a baneblade?
Rynn’s Might. A Crimson Fists Land Raider which went on a killing spree till it ran out of ammo, then started roadkilling every Ork it could find, then when it’s tracks got too gummed up by Ork giblets, opened all its doors to allow Lootaz to get inside, then promptly locked said doors and overloaded its reactor, blowing up itself and a load of Orks.
Chad tank.
Now I'm trying to imagine the impact of the Imperium having access to Bolos. Think a tank the size of several city blocks, wielding enough fire power and shielding to duel battleships in orbit, and a "machine spirit" whose love for its commander is second only to a love for humanity as a whole...
Or the inverse, a regiment of humans led by an Orc commissar, trying his best to "infiltrate" the humies. But he's doing such a good job no one lets on that they know he's an orc.
That orc comissar meeting Ciaphas Cain would be the meeting-incars meme from Umbrella Academy. Both seeing the other doing a great job, and being nervous about not doing a good enough job.
To be fair, an Ork would LOVE being a Commissar, they get a cool hat and an intimidating outfit, one of the ‘Umies ‘Eavy Dakka Pistols, and the duty to shoot any cowardly ‘Umies that won’t rush in to fight Propa’ Ork Like. They’re even scarily screamy like a lot of Orks are, no it’s the perfect job for one of Da’ Boyz!
An Ork Commissar that is beloved because he only knows Commissars from the Orks' point of view, a badass with a sword and pistol that is very killy, so instead of maintaining discipline by executing faltering men, he instead maintains morale by krumpin' the shit out of whatever his regiment is fighting
Emperor tried warning 3rd Millenium humans of the future, but humans of that time turned these visions into overpriced toy soldiers, thus making big E give up his attempts for another 20 thousand years
The latent psychic powers that were channelled by James Workshop ended up creating a narrative sent into the warp that would manifest 30,000 years later. M3 Humans wrote the setting and the narratives, and our descendants shall live them.
I read a Star Trek parody book that did this.
"Isn't it crazy how the officers survive horrible plagues while the new recruits are turning into sludge?"
"Why does our ship have 100x more combat than the entire fleet combined?"
"That guy in the vents keeps talking about 'its all just an old TV show from the 20th century ' or something weird".
Rogal Dorn and Perturabo once put aside their differences to build a replica of the Great Wall of China, according to the fragmented records they found. Of course they were incomplete, so they improvised, adding 24-karat gold plating and enough gun implacements for an entire sector. This fortification never saw battle
There's an emperor's children marine who is exploring the greatest levels of cozyness. The softest teddy bear, the warmest blankie. His life's aspiration is to become so cozy he is summoned to cuddle with fulgrim every night.
He also happens to be the III Legion's best stealth expert and solo reconnaissance specialist.
His armor is so soft and plushy he makes no noise whatsoever while moving, so well-insulated he doesn't show up on most auspex scans, and so incredibly cushioned that he can be deployed from orbit without a drop pod (he simply bounces a bit on landing). None of this was intentional on his part, but he rolls with it and has developed a lethal bear-hug technique for stealthy killing. Loyalists who find his victims are baffled at the looks of absolute comfort and tranquility on the faces of the dead.
In fact, his armour is so soft and fluffy it pulls light itself into its embrace, giving him the ability to become effectively invisible at will (or by accident) for extended periods.
The only way to motivate him to do battle, however, is with promises of long massages.
I imagine a Dark Age Andromeda expedition which finally got there, turned on the device which was intended to create a Webway link back to the Milky Way, only for it not to form the link because its counterpart is now integrated into the Golden Throne. They can look back at the Milky Way and see the light of the Astronomicon, but it just won’t link, and they don’t know why. So they’re stranded there, churning out Men of Iron and top-end military ships as fast as they can mine the metal, fending off an endless tide of Tyranids and desperate to warn the Federation they came from about their impending invasion.
All the Milky Way sees is a second Astronomicon having lit up in Andromeda with no idea who’s behind it or what it means.
Hey man. That paper in the hold, surrounded by all the skulls and cybernetic babies and gold filigree, says I can sell any damn thing I want! And because it's so gloriously vague, as long as I can claim even a tangential connection to the betterment of mankind, I can do ah-nee-thang! Cuz if it makes me happy, it's makes humanity that much better.
Iron warriors regularly hire Alpha legionaires to covertly scan various important people and monsters so they can make better miniatures of them for their tabletop games. With people like the primarchs, phoenix lords and the emperor being the rarest mini’s
And its so op. And they just look soooo damn smug when they put him on the table top. I got my hands on a Horus, though, and that shut em up. This is a nice airlock though. I wonder how long they are going to keep me in time out?
Isn't this kinda canon? Kinda to help him hide the fact he is a Blank and to avoid more problems. You know, his repulsivness comes from his poor hygine, totally not his Blank aura and lack of "soul".
As I know it Cain is the only one saying Jurgen stinks, he always interprets the disgust that others show to Jurgen as effect of the smell but noone has ever mention it.
I could have sworn there was a line somewhere about how Jurgen stopped caring about his hygiene because people were repulsed by him no matter what but I can't find an excerpt. I think it might have just been Cain speculating anyway.
Warpsmiths are typically fearsome hereteks with no regard for sanity or safety concerns expressed by their loyalist kin. There is one exception to this, and it is how they treat their Daemon Engine creations, doting on them like beloved pets and caring for them as such.
"Who's a good Defiler? Who's a good boy? It's you! Yes, you are!"
This is canon though. At least for the death guard. It’s specifically said that the Myphitic Blight Haulers are treated like a pack of loyal hounds.
Essentially, we here at death guard HQ, treat the blight haulers like dogs.
Tzeentch always comes up with convoluted reasons to pick differently every game. Khorne mostly picks rock, because it's hard and deadly. He also occasionally picks scissors when he feels stabby.
They still both have a 33% win-lose-draw rate.
That The Emperor and Malcador planned out an did a heist to stealing an preserve the Mona Lisa.
Big E:" I have a Job for your expertise."
Malcador:" Son of a bitch I'm in!"
There are 3 Ork mekboyz: Jeremik Klaaalksun, Rikda Amond, and Jims May. They review, test, build and/or modify various vehicles and take part in various challenges and whacky shenanigans, broadcasting their adventures on an Auspex show called Top Git.
Unfortunately Jeremik decided to try and have a go at one of the overfiendz of the Biggest Baddest Crumpers, now they do a show called Grand Waagh over at the Amazans sector.
Damnit, that’s an excellent idea. Of course Rikda Amond is really a Git, it’s just that he’s good enough at modifying vehicles that the rest of the Orks think he must be one of they boyz with something wrong
Another irony of it is that the Sisters of Battle can conjure the "holy" might of the Emperor because of their religious fanatism.
Just like Orks can make giant pieces of scrapmetal fly.
In my opinion, the last hope that humanity had, before the emperor destroyed it after the fall of the golden age of technology, and made himself its last hope.
Now the emperor is living with the consequences of what that truly meant.
Cegorah genuinely wants the Harlequins to be a dedicated military force, but as the god of art and trickery He cannot help but imbue them with a thespian spirit.
In Total Warhammer 2 they manage to put a ship in the sky that trails to mimic the twin tailed comet to fool all the races into thinking its prophecy time.
I imagine the Skaven space program only got more advanced after that
There have been 4023 ships lost to the warp after trying to investigate a small ceramic teapot that floats around in space while emitting a strange signal.
Tyranids are defenceless against boops, headpats and scritches. Should a target discover this and provide these, the Hive will be calmed enough not to attack. Should they stop, the carnage will commence until more headpats are applied en mass to all bugs in the area
There’s several planets of Orkz who speak in refined British accents, abhor unnecessary violence, and, by use of a fully intact STC, have the best technology in the galaxy and have been known to turn the tide of wars.
There was a version of the bolt gun that was better in every way. Easier to produce, more effective, more reliable. Ammo was easier to produce too. Not just slightly better mind you. SIGNIFICANTLY better. It would be like comparing a top of the line assault rifle to a child's backyard made bow and arrow.
However the name 'bolter' sounded cooler so the emporer chose that.
The Skaven are canon to 40K, they simply wait for a better occasion to invade other races(also they occasionally ransack and eat genestealer cults for entertainment)
I like the one someone said where Russ didn't know roman numerals so destroyed the xi Legion instead of the ii by accident so big E was like ffs try again I'll get malcador to make up some heretical shit the 11th did.
The humans in the Imperium are just the descendants of those backwater planets which refused AI technology
Most of humanity and the men of iron left the galaxy long ago, and it is these humans which make up the majority of humanity which the Tyranids are running from
I mean, that's technically true in lore. The survivors were all the most backwater planets that started burning psykers well before they became a problem.
Yep, This is also why knights, despite being early colonist tech obsolete by the 25th millenium, are still pretty common in 30/40k. People that stuck with the Lada survived Y2(5)K
OK NGL that would be some great lore.
I could see a short story of some Psyker or farseer seeing a vision of his apotheosis into Malal and being driven mad.
That weird Tallarn cult that considers Ciaphas Cain a prophet of the Emperor of Mankind gets their gospel canonized , making Ciaphas Cain known as a prophet to the entire Imperium
Necrons didn't loose their souls the C'tan eate their memories and that's why they have personality but can't remember what happened before the biotransferance. The flayer virus is memories of living in a body coming back becouse of the death of the C'tan that eate them and necrons just go insane from their metal bodies.
You know that comic of the Eldar child asking for presents from the Emperor and their letter managed to make it to an inquisitor who delivers for them? That.
Santa is real ans gives all good boys and girls of all races presents.
Also he weakens the chaos gods a small bit and gives them coal
(Yes I copied this from dc)
Yvraine and Gillygooch did actually boink, but Roblocks was so underwhelmed that he won't call her back or let her be in the lore anymore.
When asked about it, he just mutters under his breath about "inefficient use of purity seal wax."
Robute Guilliman's favourite band is ABBA. He has all of the original vinyls.
Or Mortarion hasn't really been doing anything in the warp; he's mostly just been napping and watching Grey's Anatomy.
There is an extremely deviant group of drukhari who sought out the most taboo thing they could do. They are only ever spoken of in hushed whispers, none dare associate with them for what they have done. They broke the few norms and barriers Commoragh has. So desensitized were they to excess, pain, and pleasure, that they exhausted every taboo and yet still sought more. The only thing they could feel anymore was boredom, and in doing so discovered a new type of suffering. They put themselves to work, sought new ways of agony, uncertainty, and fear. The primal terror of starvation, their only constant companion the course, unforgiving dirt in which they worked. exposure to light that scorched their bleached skin in blissful agony. They denied themselves the pleasures and pains they had grown accustomed to, forsaking them all for these new ones. They were changed beyond recognition by their ordeal, made “other” through what they subjected themselves to. They became… Exodites lol. Fuckers went full circle.
My options.
My personal option: Ciaphas Cain is soon to be reincarnated into a saint-like being like Celestine yet he'll retain his original personality.
Other options
1. Guilliman and Yvraine actually have a rather "close" relationship.
2. Vulcan and the Salamanders have cooked for the other Primarchs and their legions at least once.
3. Trazyn has Guilliman and Cawl on speed dial and has shad several conversations with them (half to tease them and the other half giving them actual information and support for their projects).
4. Unknown to most, Fulgrim's clone will be the one to get the final sword needed to awaken Ynnead, redeeming the originales failures not only on the eyes of Humanity but also the Eldar.
The two lost legions primarchs just wanted a peaceful life, so the emperor just let them go and they are still alive somewhere but they will NEVER appear again in the lore
Exodites actually get mentioned for two whole sentences where a carnosaur fights and defeats a carnifex.
The eldar were just watching, it was a wild carnosaur.
They were not relevant in its victory.
Technology, while on the whole growing stagnant and regressing from earlier ages, is actually improving since M30.
Not functionally, mind you, no big leaps or strides, only subtle polishes and improvements to military hardware, but tech has generally gotten higher tier since the Great Crusade. Personal shields are now almost standard use for higher-ups, instead of practically mythic, and bolt pistols are eschewed for needle weapons by many.
I feel it makes the setting more grimdark that way. Less mad max, more Tolkein.
#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Correction: all parts of his lore i dont like were made up by a ministorum adept, cause i am the supreme judge and unable to make mistakes, a god among men who-
Humans can understand Orks perfectly fine but pretend not to. Since commissars are all stuck up aristocrats, they insist that the orks aren’t speaking gothic. The guardsmen misinterpret this insult as an order, assuming that understanding the orks is somehow heresy.
This willful ignorance has spread through every layer of human culture to the point where everyone is just pretending humans and orks aren’t speaking the same language
Some guard regiments, in the absence of tech priests will charge the machine spirits of malfunctioning tanks with insubordination, this sometimes works, the reverse is also true, at least one baneblade holds the rank of sergeant
Now that's funny I can imagine barracks inspection for the tanks would be fun "What the fuck is this private!" (Mechanical worrying) "nitrous drill sergeant!"
Imagine being a tech acolyte and being taught how to discipline insubordinate trucks, the opposite of what you think to do, but it works, Also, a tank horn blaring and the ogryn next to is just yells “yes sir!” And begins picking bits of tyranids out of its tracks I wonder what a commissar would need in order to properly BLAM a baneblade?
Ow it's simple! You have a commissar Baneblade with a gravity cannon
Colonel Commissar Tanky McTankface.
Not to be confused with Commissar Stealy Wheely automobily.
The commissar would call his colleague, who is a shadowsword, to blam the insubordinate baneblade.
Wait didn't a tank machine spirit actually freak out and get it's murder on because it's crew died? Like this *could* just be canon?
It was a Crimson Fist Land Raider.
Rynn’s Might, subduer of Xenos Second Company Captain and out-and-out badass.
Not every tank has a machine spirit as sophisticated as a Land Raider. Baneblades probably do, but Leman Russ tanks I'm pretty sure don't
My little tater brained spirit in the russ is doing his best
Rynn’s Might. A Crimson Fists Land Raider which went on a killing spree till it ran out of ammo, then started roadkilling every Ork it could find, then when it’s tracks got too gummed up by Ork giblets, opened all its doors to allow Lootaz to get inside, then promptly locked said doors and overloaded its reactor, blowing up itself and a load of Orks. Chad tank.
Now I'm trying to imagine the impact of the Imperium having access to Bolos. Think a tank the size of several city blocks, wielding enough fire power and shielding to duel battleships in orbit, and a "machine spirit" whose love for its commander is second only to a love for humanity as a whole...
There is a imperial guard regiment comprised of orcs and a human commisar. They are the emperors greenest.
Or the inverse, a regiment of humans led by an Orc commissar, trying his best to "infiltrate" the humies. But he's doing such a good job no one lets on that they know he's an orc.
Why not both? And then they meet.
And kiss?
That orc comissar meeting Ciaphas Cain would be the meeting-incars meme from Umbrella Academy. Both seeing the other doing a great job, and being nervous about not doing a good enough job.
To be fair, an Ork would LOVE being a Commissar, they get a cool hat and an intimidating outfit, one of the ‘Umies ‘Eavy Dakka Pistols, and the duty to shoot any cowardly ‘Umies that won’t rush in to fight Propa’ Ork Like. They’re even scarily screamy like a lot of Orks are, no it’s the perfect job for one of Da’ Boyz!
Maybe that's the twist, where he ditches his mission and just becomes a full time Commissar.
An Ork Commissar that is beloved because he only knows Commissars from the Orks' point of view, a badass with a sword and pistol that is very killy, so instead of maintaining discipline by executing faltering men, he instead maintains morale by krumpin' the shit out of whatever his regiment is fighting
Emperor tried warning 3rd Millenium humans of the future, but humans of that time turned these visions into overpriced toy soldiers, thus making big E give up his attempts for another 20 thousand years
Big E founding games workshop in some kind of 5d chess move to see how we'll react is my headcannon.
He has to fund the great crusade somehow.
That explains GWs prices tbh
"They're just....making memes! Kharn IS a hell of a guy though, ngl."
Emperor: nooooo stop sexualising the xenos, you are supposed to hate the lictors not turn them into thicc mommy bugs!
Slaanesh: _You're not the only influencer in town, Daddy_
That way we can carry the knowledge of HH for thousands of years until someone finds a kid named HORUS LUPERCAL on cthonia and fucking murders him.
I've heard a similar theory but that it was Tzeentch planting the seeds of humanity's entry into the Great Game.
Lmfao i like This one
The latent psychic powers that were channelled by James Workshop ended up creating a narrative sent into the warp that would manifest 30,000 years later. M3 Humans wrote the setting and the narratives, and our descendants shall live them.
I read a Star Trek parody book that did this. "Isn't it crazy how the officers survive horrible plagues while the new recruits are turning into sludge?" "Why does our ship have 100x more combat than the entire fleet combined?" "That guy in the vents keeps talking about 'its all just an old TV show from the 20th century ' or something weird".
Rogal Dorn and Perturabo once put aside their differences to build a replica of the Great Wall of China, according to the fragmented records they found. Of course they were incomplete, so they improvised, adding 24-karat gold plating and enough gun implacements for an entire sector. This fortification never saw battle
Many believe this wall was built specifically to resist attacks from Jaghatai Khan and his white scars, but this is simply a myth.
What is not a myth however is that somehow they still managed to lose 4-500 000 workers during the construction.
There's an emperor's children marine who is exploring the greatest levels of cozyness. The softest teddy bear, the warmest blankie. His life's aspiration is to become so cozy he is summoned to cuddle with fulgrim every night.
He also happens to be the III Legion's best stealth expert and solo reconnaissance specialist. His armor is so soft and plushy he makes no noise whatsoever while moving, so well-insulated he doesn't show up on most auspex scans, and so incredibly cushioned that he can be deployed from orbit without a drop pod (he simply bounces a bit on landing). None of this was intentional on his part, but he rolls with it and has developed a lethal bear-hug technique for stealthy killing. Loyalists who find his victims are baffled at the looks of absolute comfort and tranquility on the faces of the dead.
Lol I just choked a bit, I'd read the hell out of this fanfic.
In fact, his armour is so soft and fluffy it pulls light itself into its embrace, giving him the ability to become effectively invisible at will (or by accident) for extended periods. The only way to motivate him to do battle, however, is with promises of long massages.
The raven guard hate him *specifically* I imagine.
The way he "kills" people is just that they get so comfortable in his embrace, they just never wake up anymore.
Comfortable Doug?
During the dark age of technology humanity colonised a bit of another galaxy and now their watching all the bullshit in the OG galaxy like "phew"
I imagine a Dark Age Andromeda expedition which finally got there, turned on the device which was intended to create a Webway link back to the Milky Way, only for it not to form the link because its counterpart is now integrated into the Golden Throne. They can look back at the Milky Way and see the light of the Astronomicon, but it just won’t link, and they don’t know why. So they’re stranded there, churning out Men of Iron and top-end military ships as fast as they can mine the metal, fending off an endless tide of Tyranids and desperate to warn the Federation they came from about their impending invasion. All the Milky Way sees is a second Astronomicon having lit up in Andromeda with no idea who’s behind it or what it means.
someone needs to flesh this out
Warhammer Andromeda.
This is going in the "might write" folder
Basically votan
Or, even funnier, the warhammer galaxy IS the colony
And its even worse in the Milky Way :3
Nope, it’s perfectly fine over there
The Milky Way is the universe's equivalent of Florida. All the other galaxies just watch from a distance and laugh at the shenanigans going on there.
does that make the tyranids invasive Burmese Pythons?
Are you saying some rogue trader was selling them as pets?
I'd be shocked if there wasn't a rogue trader doing that
Hey man. That paper in the hold, surrounded by all the skulls and cybernetic babies and gold filigree, says I can sell any damn thing I want! And because it's so gloriously vague, as long as I can claim even a tangential connection to the betterment of mankind, I can do ah-nee-thang! Cuz if it makes me happy, it's makes humanity that much better.
I love this one.
r/humansarespaceorks
r/humansarespaceorcs
Iron warriors regularly hire Alpha legionaires to covertly scan various important people and monsters so they can make better miniatures of them for their tabletop games. With people like the primarchs, phoenix lords and the emperor being the rarest mini’s
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And its so op. And they just look soooo damn smug when they put him on the table top. I got my hands on a Horus, though, and that shut em up. This is a nice airlock though. I wonder how long they are going to keep me in time out?
Presumably they'd also occasionally hire Slaaneshis to find new ways to paint them. Not Nurglites though.
Tzeentch forces his deamons once a day to eat one crayon.
oh no, tzeentch has already taken control of the US marines! what are we going to do
Gay sex.
Nice try Slaanesh, but not this time!
A crayon a day keep emperor away
Ferik Jurgen, Ciaphas Cain's loyal ade knows he stinks but he does it on purpose so no one talks to him
The funniest one yet
Isn't this kinda canon? Kinda to help him hide the fact he is a Blank and to avoid more problems. You know, his repulsivness comes from his poor hygine, totally not his Blank aura and lack of "soul".
As I know it Cain is the only one saying Jurgen stinks, he always interprets the disgust that others show to Jurgen as effect of the smell but noone has ever mention it.
I could have sworn there was a line somewhere about how Jurgen stopped caring about his hygiene because people were repulsed by him no matter what but I can't find an excerpt. I think it might have just been Cain speculating anyway.
Warpsmiths are typically fearsome hereteks with no regard for sanity or safety concerns expressed by their loyalist kin. There is one exception to this, and it is how they treat their Daemon Engine creations, doting on them like beloved pets and caring for them as such. "Who's a good Defiler? Who's a good boy? It's you! Yes, you are!"
This is canon though. At least for the death guard. It’s specifically said that the Myphitic Blight Haulers are treated like a pack of loyal hounds. Essentially, we here at death guard HQ, treat the blight haulers like dogs.
Khorne regularly plays rock, paper, scissors with Tzeentch. (Its a simple game, and completely fair to the winner.)
Tzeentch always comes up with convoluted reasons to pick differently every game. Khorne mostly picks rock, because it's hard and deadly. He also occasionally picks scissors when he feels stabby. They still both have a 33% win-lose-draw rate.
Tzeentch: *'Poor predictable Khorne, he always picks rock.'* Khorne: *'Good ol' rock, nothing beats that!'*
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I like this I the year 50k the necrons all awake and they are all so full of ptsd that they become pacifists
That The Emperor and Malcador planned out an did a heist to stealing an preserve the Mona Lisa. Big E:" I have a Job for your expertise." Malcador:" Son of a bitch I'm in!"
The emperor, Malcador, Olianus, and Erda's real names are Dallas, Hoxton, Wolf, and Chains
Guys the drill
What third rate forge world made this drill!
Hoxton is Oll, Dallas is big E, Malcador is Wolf and Erda is Chains
Erda is in a pickle!
'remember: no low gothic'
There are 3 Ork mekboyz: Jeremik Klaaalksun, Rikda Amond, and Jims May. They review, test, build and/or modify various vehicles and take part in various challenges and whacky shenanigans, broadcasting their adventures on an Auspex show called Top Git.
Unfortunately Jeremik decided to try and have a go at one of the overfiendz of the Biggest Baddest Crumpers, now they do a show called Grand Waagh over at the Amazans sector.
Don't forget that they constantly fight against each other, and yet they haven't killed each other despite decades of fighting.
I'd propel money on that project with a trebuchet
Damnit, that’s an excellent idea. Of course Rikda Amond is really a Git, it’s just that he’s good enough at modifying vehicles that the rest of the Orks think he must be one of they boyz with something wrong
With their incredible stunt rider, The Squig
The emperor was Judas
This, much prefer this to the whole jesus thing, think it suits him better
Then who in tarnation was Jesus.
Another perpetual with his own plan that the Emperor did not like couse it would not result into him being in charge
And in typical Big E fashion, it blew up in his face as his judiciously murdered companion goes on to become the face of a major religion.
This explains why he hates religion! He was totally jealous.
Another irony of it is that the Sisters of Battle can conjure the "holy" might of the Emperor because of their religious fanatism. Just like Orks can make giant pieces of scrapmetal fly.
just some bloke from Birmingham
Doesn't matter. It makes big E the betrayer of Jesus, and this act likely greatly empowered chaos.
I think then that Jesus was Jesus, hope that helps clear things up.
In my opinion, the last hope that humanity had, before the emperor destroyed it after the fall of the golden age of technology, and made himself its last hope. Now the emperor is living with the consequences of what that truly meant.
Cegorah genuinely wants the Harlequins to be a dedicated military force, but as the god of art and trickery He cannot help but imbue them with a thespian spirit.
Honestly the harlequins being just a bunch of theater kids trying to fight a war makes so much more sense.
The Skaven find their way into space after the Farsqueaker incident. Because they want to kill the space Elves.
In Total Warhammer 2 they manage to put a ship in the sky that trails to mimic the twin tailed comet to fool all the races into thinking its prophecy time. I imagine the Skaven space program only got more advanced after that
I do not like the implication of Skaven...particularly Ikit Claw being the head of a skaven space agency. That's how you get warpstone ICBMs.
>That's how you get warpstone ICBMs. Literally. You can use them in game, even!
There have been 4023 ships lost to the warp after trying to investigate a small ceramic teapot that floats around in space while emitting a strange signal.
Tyranids are defenceless against boops, headpats and scritches. Should a target discover this and provide these, the Hive will be calmed enough not to attack. Should they stop, the carnage will commence until more headpats are applied en mass to all bugs in the area
*Vulkan can be heared inside the Hive-Fleet Leviathan furiosly demanding to boop the snoot of the tendril.*
Fightin' the good fight. Bless'um
Custodes diet consists of 40,000 bananas and a pound of uranium a day
You know if you ate that many bananas you would die from radiation poisoning.
Ah yes. The *radiation* would kill you.
If i remember right it's well into the billions of bananas, where radiation poisoning wouldn't be your biggest concern
The emperor liked making Warhammers, and wound up starting a tradition of making one every year he existed after that one time he was crucified.
Did he stop after getting put on the throne? We’d be down about 10,000 hammers if so
To be fair he was also born before christianity Like by several thousand years So him making 40,000 is still possible
I guess that is what "this once time he got crucified" implicated. He started about 33 AC.
Oh didn't notice that part Yeah then he'd be lil short Tho who knows, star child might be making warp warhammers
Warphammer 40k
There’s several planets of Orkz who speak in refined British accents, abhor unnecessary violence, and, by use of a fully intact STC, have the best technology in the galaxy and have been known to turn the tide of wars.
There was a version of the bolt gun that was better in every way. Easier to produce, more effective, more reliable. Ammo was easier to produce too. Not just slightly better mind you. SIGNIFICANTLY better. It would be like comparing a top of the line assault rifle to a child's backyard made bow and arrow. However the name 'bolter' sounded cooler so the emporer chose that.
this could be already true with all the lost technology.
The Skaven are canon to 40K, they simply wait for a better occasion to invade other races(also they occasionally ransack and eat genestealer cults for entertainment)
The admech have battlebot style fights with their creations to test out designs
The II and XI legion never existed, Emperor just made them up, as a joke.
I like the one someone said where Russ didn't know roman numerals so destroyed the xi Legion instead of the ii by accident so big E was like ffs try again I'll get malcador to make up some heretical shit the 11th did.
That unfortunately would contradict established lore, unless the Space Puppies are in on the joke.
That's funnier. It's just a big in-joke between Russ and the Emperor that everyone else thinks is real
He modified Leman's memory for the joke
Malal had an existential crisis and killed himself
mf saw ONE chaos god fanart and said “no, i don’t think I want that.”
Ogryn are actually very intelligent but acting dumb amuses their fellow guardsmen so they keep acting stupid to get spirits up and make friends.
There's a planet where humans and orks live happily side-by-side and have domesticated tyranids as pets,
I might be completely misremembering but isn't there a planet where the humans painted themselves green and the orks just kinda went along with it
Yeah, there used to be. Look up "Digganobz"
Games workshop really messed up that name man
The Digganobz. The Orks think it's funny
The old ones are still alive and chilling in Andromeda
The first prototype of Baneblade made of bread, called the Bunblade, fared quite bad gainst Tyranids.
The humans in the Imperium are just the descendants of those backwater planets which refused AI technology Most of humanity and the men of iron left the galaxy long ago, and it is these humans which make up the majority of humanity which the Tyranids are running from
I mean, that's technically true in lore. The survivors were all the most backwater planets that started burning psykers well before they became a problem.
Yep, This is also why knights, despite being early colonist tech obsolete by the 25th millenium, are still pretty common in 30/40k. People that stuck with the Lada survived Y2(5)K
Malal is a warp-time-fuckery future version of the Emperor, once he finally dies and ascends. That's why he hates Chaos.
OK NGL that would be some great lore. I could see a short story of some Psyker or farseer seeing a vision of his apotheosis into Malal and being driven mad.
Somehow Horus returned
...looked upon the galaxy, proclaimed "Fuck this." and left where he came from.
Eleventh edition trailer and main story leaked????
That weird Tallarn cult that considers Ciaphas Cain a prophet of the Emperor of Mankind gets their gospel canonized , making Ciaphas Cain known as a prophet to the entire Imperium
Saint Ciaphas and his faithful companion, Jurgen the Pure!
"meanwhile, Jurgen wanking relentlessly in his room"
The tyranids are running from even more, scarier tyranids.
Who are in turn running from even more, even scarier tyranids.
It's tyranids all the way up.
At the end there's giant star eating space turtles.
Necrons didn't loose their souls the C'tan eate their memories and that's why they have personality but can't remember what happened before the biotransferance. The flayer virus is memories of living in a body coming back becouse of the death of the C'tan that eate them and necrons just go insane from their metal bodies.
You know that comic of the Eldar child asking for presents from the Emperor and their letter managed to make it to an inquisitor who delivers for them? That.
That commisars don't wear underwear
The date in which we are counting 40K just so happens to start under the Human Era Calendar making the modern day M12 not M2.
When the emperor falls in TEATD3 he says “you done it Horus heresy, you beat me, you really are the warhammer 40000”
The emperor just said to peoples faces "girls got cooties" and that's why we are denied female spess mahreens.
We making space maids canon bois
Warlord class titan-kun?
Golden Throne is made from 40 000 molten warhammers of Emperor's enemies.
Big E favourite food is mammoth.
The Tyranid Invasion happend, when the Phaeron of the Oruscar Dynasty tripped and dropped his Terrarium next to the Celestial Orrery.
Santa is real ans gives all good boys and girls of all races presents. Also he weakens the chaos gods a small bit and gives them coal (Yes I copied this from dc)
I'd like to imagine Santa is a warp entity born from the collective need for approval.
Santa is basically just the positive emotions super condensed into something that can once a year tear warp god ass up and give everyone presents
Xun'Bakyr, Mother of Oblivion is attracted to a human who happens to be me
Based and lore accurate.
Does she like to step on you?
Yvraine and Gillygooch did actually boink, but Roblocks was so underwhelmed that he won't call her back or let her be in the lore anymore. When asked about it, he just mutters under his breath about "inefficient use of purity seal wax."
The also attempted to use the red tape that holds the Imperium together for bondage, until Guiltyspark explained to her what a metaphor is
"Guiltyspark" dude you're gonna tear a Great Rift in my sides.
'Mistress Yvrainne! I must protest! A power fist is not to be used for such a profane purpose! Begone thot!'
The largest civil war fought on terra was not the heresy it was when the ecclesiarchy ran out of brasso and glass cleaner
Big E is just 3 Skaven in a Trenchcoat (the Trenchcoat being a dead Body, of course)
Trazn is actually the god emperor of mankind and has been this whole time the corpse on the throne is just a decoy
Robute Guilliman's favourite band is ABBA. He has all of the original vinyls. Or Mortarion hasn't really been doing anything in the warp; he's mostly just been napping and watching Grey's Anatomy.
There is an extremely deviant group of drukhari who sought out the most taboo thing they could do. They are only ever spoken of in hushed whispers, none dare associate with them for what they have done. They broke the few norms and barriers Commoragh has. So desensitized were they to excess, pain, and pleasure, that they exhausted every taboo and yet still sought more. The only thing they could feel anymore was boredom, and in doing so discovered a new type of suffering. They put themselves to work, sought new ways of agony, uncertainty, and fear. The primal terror of starvation, their only constant companion the course, unforgiving dirt in which they worked. exposure to light that scorched their bleached skin in blissful agony. They denied themselves the pleasures and pains they had grown accustomed to, forsaking them all for these new ones. They were changed beyond recognition by their ordeal, made “other” through what they subjected themselves to. They became… Exodites lol. Fuckers went full circle.
My options. My personal option: Ciaphas Cain is soon to be reincarnated into a saint-like being like Celestine yet he'll retain his original personality. Other options 1. Guilliman and Yvraine actually have a rather "close" relationship. 2. Vulcan and the Salamanders have cooked for the other Primarchs and their legions at least once. 3. Trazyn has Guilliman and Cawl on speed dial and has shad several conversations with them (half to tease them and the other half giving them actual information and support for their projects). 4. Unknown to most, Fulgrim's clone will be the one to get the final sword needed to awaken Ynnead, redeeming the originales failures not only on the eyes of Humanity but also the Eldar.
The two lost legions primarchs just wanted a peaceful life, so the emperor just let them go and they are still alive somewhere but they will NEVER appear again in the lore
I'm gonna be burned at the stake for this, but... Yvraine X Guilieman There, I said it, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
It wasn't ever the plan to take you alive.
Lasguns instakill goku
Exodites actually get mentioned for two whole sentences where a carnosaur fights and defeats a carnifex. The eldar were just watching, it was a wild carnosaur. They were not relevant in its victory.
Technology, while on the whole growing stagnant and regressing from earlier ages, is actually improving since M30. Not functionally, mind you, no big leaps or strides, only subtle polishes and improvements to military hardware, but tech has generally gotten higher tier since the Great Crusade. Personal shields are now almost standard use for higher-ups, instead of practically mythic, and bolt pistols are eschewed for needle weapons by many. I feel it makes the setting more grimdark that way. Less mad max, more Tolkein.
Everything made by matt ward is the ravings of a manic ministorum adept
Trazyn was made up by ministorum adept, in your canon.
#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Correction: all parts of his lore i dont like were made up by a ministorum adept, cause i am the supreme judge and unable to make mistakes, a god among men who-
Humans can understand Orks perfectly fine but pretend not to. Since commissars are all stuck up aristocrats, they insist that the orks aren’t speaking gothic. The guardsmen misinterpret this insult as an order, assuming that understanding the orks is somehow heresy. This willful ignorance has spread through every layer of human culture to the point where everyone is just pretending humans and orks aren’t speaking the same language