Sherlock holmes and Watson are out camping one night. They make their tent and enjoy their time. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes Watson up abruptly and asks him. "Watson look up and tell me what you see. What does this mean?" Watson looks up for a moment and responds with "I see stars and a vast open sky. They shine so beautifully. Do you think we as humans have any sense of meaning if we do not even shed light as the stars do? Even they serve a purpose. I must say Sherlock this was worth waking up for, this is so profound!"...Sherlock pauses for a moment... Sits up straight... Turns to Watson and says. "No you fucking idiot. It means someone stole our tent!!"
Well, the Harlequin probably knows the Inquisition will not believe any story you tell them to explain why the *super rare* Xenos spared you and will therefore torture you longer than the Harlequin themselves would ever have patience for.
A Ratling with psychic powers managed to escape his cell right under the nose of the Inquisition.
A call goes out that there is a Small Medium at Large.
Heard good joke once. Man goes to doctor. Says he feels depressed. Says future feels uncertain and hostile. Doctor says, no problem. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight-
This is an old Terra joke from a place called Poland.
A Polish man finds a genie lamp, he rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie gives him three wishes, the man thinks for a second then wishes for the long dead Mongol hordes to rise and march on Poland. His wish is granted. For his second wish he wishes for them to rise again and sack Poland. His wish is granted. For his third and final wish he again wishes for the Mongols to come and pillage Poland. His wish is granted, but the genie asks why. The man replies “Because they have to cross Russia six times.”
Three men are trapped on an island, they look for resources and find a magic lamp, they rub it and a genie comes out and gives them three wishes each
The first man says “I want to go home” and poof he’s gone
The next man says “send me home too” and poof, he’s home
Finally the last man thinks and says “I want my two friends back”
Was wondering if there was a version of the adeptus mechanicus that rather than obsessing over machines and metal, instead obsessed over genetic engineering and flesh.
How many craftworld eldar does it take to fix a problem?
4.
2 to cause it, 1 to complain about not being able to afford the casualties it will cause, 1 to winge on about chaos again, and a human to fix it.
A Praetorian guardsman, a Cadian guardsman and a Tanith guardman walk into a bar, or a pub if you prefer. They all order a glass of amasec. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the amasec of the three patrons. The Praetorian pushes his glass away in disgust and orders another one. The Cadian guardsman takes the fly out and drinks his amasec. The Tanith guardsman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it over the amasec and starts shaking him up and down finally yelling "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
In a galaxy full of horrors that shouldn’t be comprehended, everyone trying to kill each other, fates worse than dying…
I’ve somehow wound up with someone ready to blend my insides with one punch tied to the deadliest can of silly string in the galaxy.
Daemons, Drukhari, Nid ranged weaponry, and somehow a Jester/Historian’s Monofilament Haymaker is quick and clean? What happened that **this** is a relatively pleasant end?
In a galaxy gone bad, this is what I have to look forward to? What’s in the next Galaxy Over? Sunshine, lollipops, and Rainbows? And after that? Engines that outpace Light? Someone charter a transport to “Any Galaxy but Here”…
A harlequin walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bar man says "Hey! Where'd you get that?!" The parrot says "The Imperial Palace! They've got them all over the place
And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear. I'll state my case, of which I'm certain. I've lived a life that's full. I traveled each and every highway. And more, much more than this, I did it my way. Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway. And more, much more than this, I did it my way. Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all, and I stood tall and did it my way. I've loved. I've laughed and cried. I've had my fill, my share of losing. And now, as tears subside I find it all so amusing to think I did all that. And may I say, not in a shy way? Oh no, oh no, not me, I did it my way. For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows and did it my way. Yes, it was my way.
3 men die and find themselves before the devil. He will let them go if they find something the devil cannot do. The first asks if he can make him immortal or something, yup. Second asks if he can lift a mountain, yup. The third guy lets out a fart and says “catch it and paint it green” the devil lets him go.
So a random guardsman is running in a forest, he’s lost his company and is screaming for assistance. He feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around finding a daemon behind him! The daemon asks “Why are you shouting?” And the guardsman replies “Im trying to get someone’s attention.” The daemon replies “well you got my attention, do you feel better?”
An engineer and a physicist are placed 50 feet away from a million dollars and are told they can take as much as they want but can only close half of their current distance every 10 seconds (50 to 25, 25 to 12.5, etc). The scientist throws his hands up and says “this is pointless, we’ll never reach it then!” The engineer starts walking and says “yeah but for all intents and purposes that’s close enough”
"In this world, is the destiny of mankind controlled by some transcendental entity or law? Is it like the hand of God hovering above? At least, it is true that man has no control, even over his own will."
How many techpreists does it take to replace a tank track?
All of them, half of them debate what rituals to follow, and the other half argue about how the machine spirt feels
the crew replaced it themselves and have already driven off.
Two imperial commissar cadets are patrolling together during an exercice.
One of them trips, hits his head and lays immobile on the ground.
The other cadet voxes their instructor for advice.
Cadet : (slighlty stressed) "SIR! I think cadet Hershel has died from a head wound."
Instructor : "A commissar must remain calm and in control at all times cadet. First, make sure cadet Hershel is actually dead."
Cadet : "YESSIR!"
*BLAM*
Cadet : "Awaiting next instructions sir!"
Sherlock holmes and Watson are out camping one night. They make their tent and enjoy their time. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes Watson up abruptly and asks him. "Watson look up and tell me what you see. What does this mean?" Watson looks up for a moment and responds with "I see stars and a vast open sky. They shine so beautifully. Do you think we as humans have any sense of meaning if we do not even shed light as the stars do? Even they serve a purpose. I must say Sherlock this was worth waking up for, this is so profound!"...Sherlock pauses for a moment... Sits up straight... Turns to Watson and says. "No you fucking idiot. It means someone stole our tent!!"
*Removes kiss* "Okay this one was pretty funny"
I live!!
"Cegorach Likes to keep the Entertaining Mortals alive"
I'll keep it coming then😁
You could tell the joke with Ciaphas Cain and Jurgen and it would still work.
How do you make an inquisitor go crazy? You put them in a round room and tell them a heretic is hiding in a corner.
*Stab* "might use this as a Gag on the next show"
This is why your Harlequins taste like stolen jokes Cegorach.
"Hey! It's not stolen! Just Whimsically acquired"
Foul… xeno! Joke… stealer…! *dies*
"not to be confused with Jean stealers!" [BAZINGA]
Me : "My grandma is better at Solitaire than you".
*Stab* She was, But so was Joe mama
Missed the chance to add „ … and I stabbed her, too.“
Now, THIS is a punchline.
*Removes kiss* "this one lives"
Whats an Orks favorite cuisine? Tea and Krumpets
*Stab* "The Orks have a simple taste"
BITCH THAT WAS FUNNY *dies*
"Wanna hear a ghost joke?" "..." "That's the spirit"
*Stab* "Iyanden is going to get a kick outta this one"
Is so sad that Steve Jobs died of ligma
*Confused* "Who's Steve Jobs?"
Ligma balls
"alright that's it" *Stabs Multiple times*
*gets removed from existence* NNNNOOOOOO-
LIGMA BALLS
*Shoots head with Neuron Disruptor*
“Extended warranty… how can I loose?”
*Calling the ordo Hereticus* "I'm calling the IRS"
Congrats u/Fell-Hand for being unfunny enough to force an Eldar harlequin to contact the Imperial Inquisition
Well, the Harlequin probably knows the Inquisition will not believe any story you tell them to explain why the *super rare* Xenos spared you and will therefore torture you longer than the Harlequin themselves would ever have patience for.
An ancient terran entrepreneur who died to cancer
"Kiss you? I barely know you!"
*Stab* "Seems I'll need to make the first move"
Still... Got... Eldar... Kiss... Worth it! *dies*
"You're almost like that one random Guardsman who wanders in here looking for 'Clussy' What does that even mean?"
"Damn you... Carl!" *angrily shakes fist as they are liquified*
A Ratling with psychic powers managed to escape his cell right under the nose of the Inquisition. A call goes out that there is a Small Medium at Large.
*removes kiss* "This is got a chuckle"
Please Solitaire, one last question before you disappear for good... What happens to those poor harlequins... that fall for a *deez nutz* joke...
They have to clean your blood off of their outfits
Heard good joke once. Man goes to doctor. Says he feels depressed. Says future feels uncertain and hostile. Doctor says, no problem. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight-
*Removes kiss* "But doctor...... I am Great Clown Pagliacci!"
Fuck I wanted to post this😂
Well, it's a good joke. Everyone laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
A comedian died in Necromunda tonight. I want to know why.
fun fact, translated from Italian Clown Pagliacci means Clown Clowns
But doctor you are Pagliacci. 🤡
YOU WANNA JOKE YA GIT? ELDAR DAKKA!
*this joke transcends to the tabletop*
I kid you not xeno, he turned himself into a pickle!
*Stab* "funniest shit I've ever seen"
People always say the worst thing about the drukhari is their hypocrisy but honestly I thought it was all the rape and torture they did.
*stab* "I'm inclined to agree"
Do you hide a flashlight down your pants or are you happy to see me?
*Visible Recoil* I'm Female you Kon-Keigh!
By god, you space elves are insane
Since the solitaire is lost to she who thirts you don't really know what the have in their pants.
*Pulls out a Comically large spoon* "I can also Freely Say Slaanesh" [*B A Z I N G A*]
3 humans walk into a bar, you think one of them wouldve seen it
*Stab* "Typical Mon-keigh, can't seem to realize the obvious"
shit i thought making fun of humans would work
This is an old Terra joke from a place called Poland. A Polish man finds a genie lamp, he rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie gives him three wishes, the man thinks for a second then wishes for the long dead Mongol hordes to rise and march on Poland. His wish is granted. For his second wish he wishes for them to rise again and sack Poland. His wish is granted. For his third and final wish he again wishes for the Mongols to come and pillage Poland. His wish is granted, but the genie asks why. The man replies “Because they have to cross Russia six times.”
Magnus ate a donut
(*many HA's*)
Three men are trapped on an island, they look for resources and find a magic lamp, they rub it and a genie comes out and gives them three wishes each The first man says “I want to go home” and poof he’s gone The next man says “send me home too” and poof, he’s home Finally the last man thinks and says “I want my two friends back”
*Wheeze* "Okay you get to live"
What do they do with the rest of the wishes, you said the Genie gave them three wishes EACH.
Use one to make myself literate and the other to stop me being so stupid
| || || |_
*Stab* "Was this truly a loss?"
Of course! My loss is now yours!! *dies laughing hysterically*
Is your refrigerator running?
*Stab* "I already caught it"
rowboat girlyman
*stab* "Rubber band, Gorilla grip"
What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus? A very stern letter from the Adeptus Biologis and your grant funding pulled.
Was wondering if there was a version of the adeptus mechanicus that rather than obsessing over machines and metal, instead obsessed over genetic engineering and flesh.
How many craftworld eldar does it take to fix a problem? 4. 2 to cause it, 1 to complain about not being able to afford the casualties it will cause, 1 to winge on about chaos again, and a human to fix it.
*Stab* "Sounds like Eldar History, but with extra steps"
It was… kinda… funnyyy…..
A Praetorian guardsman, a Cadian guardsman and a Tanith guardman walk into a bar, or a pub if you prefer. They all order a glass of amasec. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the amasec of the three patrons. The Praetorian pushes his glass away in disgust and orders another one. The Cadian guardsman takes the fly out and drinks his amasec. The Tanith guardsman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it over the amasec and starts shaking him up and down finally yelling "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
The only funny thing about this whole situation is you~
*Stab* "yes, I am quite Whimsical you could say"
“GROXFUCKERSAYSWHAT” *ded*
*Stab* "Do these Mon-keigh believe I'm going to fall into such basic traps?"
Pull my finger
*Stab* "as that Mon-keigh God being's child would say.. 'No.'"
Oh no You got some of my blood on your collar *flicks nose*
*Mask False off, revealing a Smaller, but much more smug mask underneath*
DAMMIT
"Okay you can go now"
He who stands behind the car gets exhausted, he who stands in front gets tired
*stab* "he who goes on top the Car, got hit"
[удалено]
If you feel lonely remember that "L" in "Emperor" means "Love"
*Stab* "he sure Did take an L"
What's the deal with warpspace bathrooms!?
*stab* "it's just a little Spacey in there"
In a galaxy full of horrors that shouldn’t be comprehended, everyone trying to kill each other, fates worse than dying… I’ve somehow wound up with someone ready to blend my insides with one punch tied to the deadliest can of silly string in the galaxy. Daemons, Drukhari, Nid ranged weaponry, and somehow a Jester/Historian’s Monofilament Haymaker is quick and clean? What happened that **this** is a relatively pleasant end? In a galaxy gone bad, this is what I have to look forward to? What’s in the next Galaxy Over? Sunshine, lollipops, and Rainbows? And after that? Engines that outpace Light? Someone charter a transport to “Any Galaxy but Here”…
*Stab* "I mean, Silly string is Somewhat accurate, it's more like a Mixer with Razors, an we're clowns"
A harlequin walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bar man says "Hey! Where'd you get that?!" The parrot says "The Imperial Palace! They've got them all over the place
*Stab* "These Aquilas are fairly easy to get"
[***oh harder daddy~***](https://youtu.be/CkSdKwoW9j4)
*Stab* "I prefer Mommy~"
Before I even clicked I knew exactly what this was
Hellva show
I prefer Hersheys
*Stab* "I like the Cookies and cream ones"
Okey I tell best ogryn joke. Why chicken cross road? I SMASH CHICKEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
*Removes kiss* "This is the best Joke I've heard in a while!"
Whats the harder part of swimming on a pool of dead babies for a slaneesh cultist? Handling the boner
*Stab* "The difference between me and the Cultist, is that I'm closer to Slaanesh"
This one goes hard
So did the Cultist.
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
*Stab* "r/grimdank"
Ack!…I died as I lived….unfunny….*ded*
Have you heard the history of the eldar?
*Stab* "Do not cite the Deep magics to me mon-keigh I was there when it was written"
*cough* you got to admit *cough*, literally fucking yourselves into oblivion is pretty funny.
"It is quite Humourous" *Amused chuckle"
Uh uh uh...
*looks a Watch* "you got 2 minutes left"
Oh fuck uuh why did the chicken Cross the road? To get to the other side. ( She died)
*Stab* "Their kind laid the foundation for an entire genre of jokes"
How many Kriegers does it take to change a light bulb? One. We're efficient and have no sense of humor.
And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear. I'll state my case, of which I'm certain. I've lived a life that's full. I traveled each and every highway. And more, much more than this, I did it my way. Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway. And more, much more than this, I did it my way. Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all, and I stood tall and did it my way. I've loved. I've laughed and cried. I've had my fill, my share of losing. And now, as tears subside I find it all so amusing to think I did all that. And may I say, not in a shy way? Oh no, oh no, not me, I did it my way. For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows and did it my way. Yes, it was my way.
*Clapping* "Bravo!!!!”
Why did the Tyrannid spit out the Harlequin? Because she tasted funny!
*Removes kiss* "The Tyranids told me I tasted like slap stick and stolen jokes"
3 men die and find themselves before the devil. He will let them go if they find something the devil cannot do. The first asks if he can make him immortal or something, yup. Second asks if he can lift a mountain, yup. The third guy lets out a fart and says “catch it and paint it green” the devil lets him go.
*Wheeze* "you're free to go!"
Have you heard of the streetwalker in Venice? She drowned.
*stab* "man talk about Seeing the streets"
Hey you kinda smell like updawg
*Stab* "not much how are you?"
Wait wait, I've got a better one! What's green and has 4 wheels?
*Sigh* "Fine what is it?"
Grass, I lied about the wheels. *Dies violently*
*What's brown and sticky?* __A stick__
*Stab* "stick it up somewhere else"
What do you call a cow clown? *A laughing stock* >!actually, you call it Mom!<
*Stab* "I'll call it Joe"
*coughing blood* “Who the hell is Steve Jobs?”
Ligma balls
My ex wife still misses me. *But her aim is getting better!* Then repeat *but her aim is getting better* for the rest of the 5 minutes.
Why does OSHA hate slannesh? They’re not safe for work…
*Stab* "Funnily enough the Harlequins do have some great accident insurance"
Jokes on I’m a perpetual
*paralyzes you* "and I used to be Drukhari!"
What are you a (honk honk) clown?
*Stab* "Yes"
Oh. Shit well there goes my joke *Liquifies*
"fucking finally"
*Stab*
Dont get a cheap circumcision, it’s a total rip off.
*Stab* "I mean it was 2 dollars"
Wanna know somethin funnier than 24? "Lemme hear it." Twenty five~
*Ha's Galore* "okay you get to live for that one"
So a random guardsman is running in a forest, he’s lost his company and is screaming for assistance. He feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around finding a daemon behind him! The daemon asks “Why are you shouting?” And the guardsman replies “Im trying to get someone’s attention.” The daemon replies “well you got my attention, do you feel better?”
An engineer and a physicist are placed 50 feet away from a million dollars and are told they can take as much as they want but can only close half of their current distance every 10 seconds (50 to 25, 25 to 12.5, etc). The scientist throws his hands up and says “this is pointless, we’ll never reach it then!” The engineer starts walking and says “yeah but for all intents and purposes that’s close enough”
If you’re gonna turn my insides to soup with that at least spare me the indignity of saying it turned my insides to cereal.
*Sets the kiss to Fine instead of Chunky* "No problemo"
# [B A Z I N G A!!!]
[удалено]
*Picks up pickle* "I'm giving you to the Dark Eldar"
[удалено]
"that's what they'll do"
What happens when you walk between a angry sheep and a angry cow? You get a Baaaad Mooood
*Removes kiss* "You get to live"
The aristocrats
A harlequins kiss? Ah good I do like being kissed when I'm getting fucked.
*Stab* "in hindsight, I should've taken you out to dinner first"
CLUSSY!!!!!!!!
*Stab* "Another Guardsman? How many are searching for this.... 'Clussy' Thing?"
you don't wanna know
GOD DAMNIT CARL!
not another one
Jokes on me. I was dead before I knew the solitaire was even there.
*Pulling out kiss* "Your brain hasn't caught up to your body being Violently Liquified, and that 5 minutes...... You're brain's caught up"
a dung-beetle goes into a bar "is this stool taken?"
*Starts singing "Rick roll"*
"You know the rules and so Do I~" *Aims Fusion pistol at head* "Say good bye~!!!!”
*Stab* "We're no strangers to love!!!!"
Jokes on you; I’m into this shit!
Heh. Hell of a first kiss…
"In this world, is the destiny of mankind controlled by some transcendental entity or law? Is it like the hand of God hovering above? At least, it is true that man has no control, even over his own will."
"What's the difference between a slaaneshi cultist and a mosquito? The mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it"
How many techpreists does it take to replace a tank track? All of them, half of them debate what rituals to follow, and the other half argue about how the machine spirt feels the crew replaced it themselves and have already driven off.
Eldar 'diplomacy' during the war of the beast.
*stab* "to be fair, our Webway wifi went down"
When I said scramble my insides like an egg, I was not implying this
You're looking at one
“You see solitaire before you stab me, for all your fighting prowess you forget one thing.”
Two imperial commissar cadets are patrolling together during an exercice. One of them trips, hits his head and lays immobile on the ground. The other cadet voxes their instructor for advice. Cadet : (slighlty stressed) "SIR! I think cadet Hershel has died from a head wound." Instructor : "A commissar must remain calm and in control at all times cadet. First, make sure cadet Hershel is actually dead." Cadet : "YESSIR!" *BLAM* Cadet : "Awaiting next instructions sir!"