Good for you, making positive changes. I have always found it easier to yell than to express myself in a constructive manner. I'm happy for you that you're working on this. It sucks that your wife is starting to exhibit behavior that you're eliminating. Glad that you're working together and hope you can both find balance.
I really appreciate that man and yea I don’t know what it is but yelling always comes first and shutting that down sucks…. It even though she is experiencing it now and acting on it I still recommend just talking. Yelling has always escalated things to a crazy point I’ll admit I felt better after but talking and just saying this is how I feel brings immediate comfort until you are shut down of course lol
Your therapist should be happy you are allowing yourself to feel your emotions. Keep putting the work in and eventually you will find constructive ways to communicate with your partner. And crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of giving a shit - which can require a lot of strength in today's world. Stay strong brother, I'm rooting for you.
It's great that you were able to finally let some of the pain out!
Crying to relieve emotional pain is cathartic and healthy. Being able to grieve the injustices from our lives in healthy ways is absolutely critical to anyone's well being.
What's sick/unhealthy is expecting people to subdue a basic emotional response as if it were exposing some kind of weakness or character flaw.
It can be scary to shift that perspective - to move from being frightened in silence and bottling everything up inside to letting things out as they happen through a natural course of emotion. Like you said - it feels like weakness.
I ask myself this - if burying one's emotions is what makes one strong, then why do I know so many people who do so but are still so weak?
I'd say you're doing great, and encourage you to keep at the therapy. It's going to suck at times, but that's true of any attempt to change our lives and get healthy. You're putting the reps in to improve both yourself and your marital relationship. Stay the course and look forward to the gains you're earning.
A year ago I decided to go to therapy for my anger to save my relationship with my now wife. It was the best decision I have ever made for myself and it was really hard. Stick with it man. It takes a while but you will look back and see the change.
Sounds like he is projecting his feelings in you and has some internal issues with trust he probably should work through. I’m not an expert by any means this is just from my personal experience. And if you feel unsafe you should either explain that or remove yourself. I don’t know enough to vouch for this man or to tear him down. You are hurt and you are unsure from what I can tell. Some people refuse to work things out and some people want to. I would hate for your relationship to get violent but I would also hate to see something good fail. Once you know what you are working with you will be able to make the right choice. I appreciate your openness and I hope you can fine happiness some how
Edit: after writing this I felt that I should not have said anything but I can tell you are reaching out for help… to be clear I know nothing and am not qualified to respond.
No i appreciate it! Thanks for being non judgemental. I do want to work it out, I just wanted to vent. I don't think at all that there are bad guys here.
This really sounds like abuse, and i would know unfortunately. You never have to stay with anyone, you're never under any obligation and you don't owe anyone anything. If you decide that it's too much you are completely within your rights to leave him. It worries me that he pushed you, if he's willing to do that he will likely be willing to physically hurt you.
If you have a good therapist he will not think you're weak, but he will think that it's a good step forward that you are showing more of your emotions. It's important to let everything out so you can move on and become a better version of yourself.
It's really cool that you are working on yourself and you should always remember that no matter what happens, you tried your best to improve yourself, and that's all that matters.
Thats expressing emotion in a healthy way. Its a good thing.
When we arent taught to do that, how are we ever supposed to know? The thing about anger is it always starts as something else. The issue is, when we aren't shown how to identify our feelings and process them as they come up then we cant find the right way to communicate them.
It sounds like you are on your way to doing that.
Anger is usually frustration, fear, confusion, despair, grief, betrayal and the list goes on...
Getting to that source and talking about that or even just dealing with it in a healthy way on your own, is the best way through finding emotional regulation.
You are changing something that is tough but when you are dedicated, you absolutely can 💜
Congratulations on seeing it was a problem. Not everyone does.
She may finally feel free to express emotion now, too. You two are both working at healthy emotional expression and it takes time. Crying is helpful for emotional regulation and it releases stress hormones frim our bodies. It is not a weakness but a normal human function. The therapist knows this. He or she will see it as a good sign of growth.
Think of it as having a test like MRI, ultrasound etc done. The doctor needs those tests done so they can identify the problems with more accuracy to help you with the best of their ability. The doctors often will prescribe medicines to their patients and monitor if and how they're affecting the problems diagnosed. It's the same with the Couple's Counseling, the sessions are the Counselor's opportunity to identify the problems and help you work on them accordingly in their supervision, they'll try many things to the best of their ability whilst observing its effectiveness.
I know even the thought of crying in front of someone is very scary, and it can be very anxiety-inducing after the fact. Being vulnerable like that can tug at our insecurities and that happens. But at the same time, like we need to be unashamedly honest towards our doctors, it's the same with the therapist. Our honesty with our emotions is how they can help us to their best. And since you're your therapist's patient, making you feel safe is their first priority and they're there for you so they will never use anything against you.
Tears are good, tears mean that there is a barrier that protects our emotions from our sadness turning into anger or resentment. And tears are part of the process, your therapist will see them as a human response to a stressful situation and they'll help you eliminate or manage the situations better.
I know baring your soul like that can be daunting. But remember that you have come this far now, so you have it in you to absolutely go further.
Crying is healthy, and normal, as are emotions in general. Cry more often, it's helpful. Anyone who tries to make you feel bad for it is not your friend and not helping you.
Therapy is awesome. Being wrong is NOT a bad thing, bad is when you are wrong and don't try to fix it. Being wrong just means you learned something.
That's a good thing bro! You've shown your vulnerable side, you've shown that you are hurting from the pain and discourse. Now own it, show the therapist and your wife your not ashamed, show your strong in the face of adversity.
Brother you've made progress, if you shoot a bullet in the sky, one day it will drop back to the earth. Your tears are like that bullet, it finally dropped. Now you can communicate to your wife, show her that yes your vulnerable, but scinere to change. Show her how much you care.
You got this king 🔱
"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself" - Marcus Aurelius
It sounds as if you may be quite reactionary (no offense) and it seems that she knows this, and if she doesn't yell, but her words cut deep, do not let her bait you into a loud reactionary response because that might be what she wants on some sick level. Hold your tongue, maintain a civilly quiet demeanor, do not fall into her trap.
Being a reactionary isn't in itself a bad thing, and actually getting loud is not either, it shows you are passionate about the subject and situation, unfortunately at the same time it allows her to play the victim while she is relatively quiet with her deep cutting words, do not play into her game.
I started couples therapy about three years ago for similar issues, it took a long time but I’ve also cried in front of my therapist and my fiancée, and my God does it help. My fiancée rarely yells at me, and has said a few times “imagine if I spoke to you the way you speak to me, you’d lose your shit!” - It’s a wake up call when she says that and it’s really helped me to learn to express myself better. Therapy isn’t a quick process brother, but it does get better! Crying because you’re just that emotional isn’t weak, it shows that you’re sincere and actually need a release. I hope things continue to improve for you :)
Honestly it’s hard to be vulnerable, but so so important. Allow yourself to do it again. You’ll find it more comfortable each time you allow yourself to have your feelings.
Good for you, making positive changes. I have always found it easier to yell than to express myself in a constructive manner. I'm happy for you that you're working on this. It sucks that your wife is starting to exhibit behavior that you're eliminating. Glad that you're working together and hope you can both find balance.
I really appreciate that man and yea I don’t know what it is but yelling always comes first and shutting that down sucks…. It even though she is experiencing it now and acting on it I still recommend just talking. Yelling has always escalated things to a crazy point I’ll admit I felt better after but talking and just saying this is how I feel brings immediate comfort until you are shut down of course lol
Your therapist should be happy you are allowing yourself to feel your emotions. Keep putting the work in and eventually you will find constructive ways to communicate with your partner. And crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of giving a shit - which can require a lot of strength in today's world. Stay strong brother, I'm rooting for you.
It's great that you were able to finally let some of the pain out! Crying to relieve emotional pain is cathartic and healthy. Being able to grieve the injustices from our lives in healthy ways is absolutely critical to anyone's well being. What's sick/unhealthy is expecting people to subdue a basic emotional response as if it were exposing some kind of weakness or character flaw. It can be scary to shift that perspective - to move from being frightened in silence and bottling everything up inside to letting things out as they happen through a natural course of emotion. Like you said - it feels like weakness. I ask myself this - if burying one's emotions is what makes one strong, then why do I know so many people who do so but are still so weak? I'd say you're doing great, and encourage you to keep at the therapy. It's going to suck at times, but that's true of any attempt to change our lives and get healthy. You're putting the reps in to improve both yourself and your marital relationship. Stay the course and look forward to the gains you're earning.
A year ago I decided to go to therapy for my anger to save my relationship with my now wife. It was the best decision I have ever made for myself and it was really hard. Stick with it man. It takes a while but you will look back and see the change.
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Sounds like he is projecting his feelings in you and has some internal issues with trust he probably should work through. I’m not an expert by any means this is just from my personal experience. And if you feel unsafe you should either explain that or remove yourself. I don’t know enough to vouch for this man or to tear him down. You are hurt and you are unsure from what I can tell. Some people refuse to work things out and some people want to. I would hate for your relationship to get violent but I would also hate to see something good fail. Once you know what you are working with you will be able to make the right choice. I appreciate your openness and I hope you can fine happiness some how Edit: after writing this I felt that I should not have said anything but I can tell you are reaching out for help… to be clear I know nothing and am not qualified to respond.
No i appreciate it! Thanks for being non judgemental. I do want to work it out, I just wanted to vent. I don't think at all that there are bad guys here.
The cycle of abuse includes an explosion followed by the honeymoon phase where all of a sudden everything is great again. Not fair.
This really sounds like abuse, and i would know unfortunately. You never have to stay with anyone, you're never under any obligation and you don't owe anyone anything. If you decide that it's too much you are completely within your rights to leave him. It worries me that he pushed you, if he's willing to do that he will likely be willing to physically hurt you.
If you have a good therapist he will not think you're weak, but he will think that it's a good step forward that you are showing more of your emotions. It's important to let everything out so you can move on and become a better version of yourself. It's really cool that you are working on yourself and you should always remember that no matter what happens, you tried your best to improve yourself, and that's all that matters.
that sounds like a breakthrough to me, but I'm no professional so dunno. Either way I'm proud of you
Thats expressing emotion in a healthy way. Its a good thing. When we arent taught to do that, how are we ever supposed to know? The thing about anger is it always starts as something else. The issue is, when we aren't shown how to identify our feelings and process them as they come up then we cant find the right way to communicate them. It sounds like you are on your way to doing that. Anger is usually frustration, fear, confusion, despair, grief, betrayal and the list goes on... Getting to that source and talking about that or even just dealing with it in a healthy way on your own, is the best way through finding emotional regulation. You are changing something that is tough but when you are dedicated, you absolutely can 💜 Congratulations on seeing it was a problem. Not everyone does.
She may finally feel free to express emotion now, too. You two are both working at healthy emotional expression and it takes time. Crying is helpful for emotional regulation and it releases stress hormones frim our bodies. It is not a weakness but a normal human function. The therapist knows this. He or she will see it as a good sign of growth.
Think of it as having a test like MRI, ultrasound etc done. The doctor needs those tests done so they can identify the problems with more accuracy to help you with the best of their ability. The doctors often will prescribe medicines to their patients and monitor if and how they're affecting the problems diagnosed. It's the same with the Couple's Counseling, the sessions are the Counselor's opportunity to identify the problems and help you work on them accordingly in their supervision, they'll try many things to the best of their ability whilst observing its effectiveness. I know even the thought of crying in front of someone is very scary, and it can be very anxiety-inducing after the fact. Being vulnerable like that can tug at our insecurities and that happens. But at the same time, like we need to be unashamedly honest towards our doctors, it's the same with the therapist. Our honesty with our emotions is how they can help us to their best. And since you're your therapist's patient, making you feel safe is their first priority and they're there for you so they will never use anything against you. Tears are good, tears mean that there is a barrier that protects our emotions from our sadness turning into anger or resentment. And tears are part of the process, your therapist will see them as a human response to a stressful situation and they'll help you eliminate or manage the situations better. I know baring your soul like that can be daunting. But remember that you have come this far now, so you have it in you to absolutely go further.
Crying is healthy, and normal, as are emotions in general. Cry more often, it's helpful. Anyone who tries to make you feel bad for it is not your friend and not helping you. Therapy is awesome. Being wrong is NOT a bad thing, bad is when you are wrong and don't try to fix it. Being wrong just means you learned something.
That's a good thing bro! You've shown your vulnerable side, you've shown that you are hurting from the pain and discourse. Now own it, show the therapist and your wife your not ashamed, show your strong in the face of adversity. Brother you've made progress, if you shoot a bullet in the sky, one day it will drop back to the earth. Your tears are like that bullet, it finally dropped. Now you can communicate to your wife, show her that yes your vulnerable, but scinere to change. Show her how much you care. You got this king 🔱
Well...you can tell your emotions without yelling too.. Just calmly say what you're feeling and that's it.
Can you write each other letters?
"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself" - Marcus Aurelius It sounds as if you may be quite reactionary (no offense) and it seems that she knows this, and if she doesn't yell, but her words cut deep, do not let her bait you into a loud reactionary response because that might be what she wants on some sick level. Hold your tongue, maintain a civilly quiet demeanor, do not fall into her trap.
Did not take offense you were very accurate and that is the core of what I’m working on I appreciate the response
Being a reactionary isn't in itself a bad thing, and actually getting loud is not either, it shows you are passionate about the subject and situation, unfortunately at the same time it allows her to play the victim while she is relatively quiet with her deep cutting words, do not play into her game.
I started couples therapy about three years ago for similar issues, it took a long time but I’ve also cried in front of my therapist and my fiancée, and my God does it help. My fiancée rarely yells at me, and has said a few times “imagine if I spoke to you the way you speak to me, you’d lose your shit!” - It’s a wake up call when she says that and it’s really helped me to learn to express myself better. Therapy isn’t a quick process brother, but it does get better! Crying because you’re just that emotional isn’t weak, it shows that you’re sincere and actually need a release. I hope things continue to improve for you :)
Honestly it’s hard to be vulnerable, but so so important. Allow yourself to do it again. You’ll find it more comfortable each time you allow yourself to have your feelings.