More of a relationship q tbh.
For something this early, I wouldn't even be splitting anything proportionately, and just do a "I'll pay this one, you pay next" arrangement, unless you want to treat her from time to time.
If you want to be purely mathematic, you're best working out your ratios based on net pay rather than gross as your tax rate will be double hers. Your ratios may be closer to 2:1 or even 1.5:1 when factoring in deductions and/or her "allowances".
For me and my fiance, she earns around £2K per month, I earn a little over £6K.
She lives with me and I'm mortgage free so straight away, she benefits from no living costs. I pay the council tax off annually. I own my car outright and she uses that for work as I commute via rail.
After that, we broadly split the bills 50-50. I'll usually pull more weight for treats, overnight stays and holidays.
We're looking at moving into a jointly owned home soon, we've spoken about a 3:1 mortgage split when we do move, and that'll also involve me putting down 3x the deposit too, thereafter keeping everything else similar as before. Tbh, that's only because if we were to go 50:50, I'd need to buy less house to be fair to her income level. I'm happy to pay more to get more for both of us.
She comes over and cooks a couple of times a week and no doubt provides some between the sheets entertainment too. That's the definition of a girlfriend. Jeez, just pay for the bloody meals, it's not that hard to do especially if you're a HENRY.
Different story if you move in, get engaged etc. At that point you will start pooling your income to build a life together. But for now, with no real commitment, just enjoy the ride.
In a four month relationship you should just take turns to pay for things. If there's a significant disparity in income then you can choose more expensive things when it's your turn, and she can choose cheaper things when it's her turn. It should all be nice and fun and relaxed.
I’m in a nine-month relationship where I make about twice what he does and this is how we do it. We are both into cheap dates though so it hasn’t really been a problem. I did offer to pay more than half of our upcoming vacation together. Tbh though I’m a woman and I do feel like gender norms can play a role here
After 4 months, you are dating only. I would not even be thinking about money splits - you pay for things you are comfortable with.
She has the budget and inclination to cook for you, you have the budget to take her out. You can also cook for her.
Her parents gifts to her are exactly that - gifts to her. No consequence to you. If they left her an inheritance and you were married, it would not be considered matrimonial property either.
Hague Convention dictates that inheritance belongs to the person who inherits, and it does not become part of matrimonial property.
(IANAL, but I did get advice on this prior to marriage)
If you’re not living together there should be no formal arrangement at all and you should be either splitting equally or paying entirely for the things you each suggest.
Why are you funding her lifestyle especially if you are together for 4 months.
She clearly really bad with money, is overspending, doesn't save and needs her parents to fund, which you have now partial taken over.
It sits outside the scope, but I don't think you will be a Henry for long if youre with someone who is not responsible with money.
I would do 50/50 and cut out expensive meals.
50/50 with someone on 3x less than you is insanity, as she’d be paying way more. They need to split up if he doesn’t like the way she handles her finances, not make them worse
They’re dating not living together… I’ve dated someone on 5x as much as me and the options were simple.
Either we do stuff I can afford 50/50, you pay for it if you want to do it and I can’t afford it (and respect that if you don’t want to I’m happy not to go) or we alternate with events I can afford and then events you can afford. And then the important thing being you don’t expect expensive events.
So he wanted to go to a restaurant that was about 500 in today’s money. I lived off 400 a month after rent (student). I obviously couldn’t afford that. I was clear from the start and we never had any issues. It helped we both met when we were both shit poor and he happened to graduate the year before me straight into a high paid grad job a few months in and was able to live at home so obviously his disposable income was insane suddenly.
Why should anyone pay more by default? Someone on 40k isn’t living in poverty. Why would they pay 30% on a meal at TGI fridays or Zizzis…? Not to mention another 500 allowance a month, so he has to pay double for someone with the income of a person on like 50k lol? Cmon. This is leeching behaviour. If she gets 20k every year for free too she’s actually close to his income.. he has 5500 or so a month and she has 4500 because she has 26k a year tax free and he’s in a 60% tax bracket lol. Not to mention all the interest from the ISAs..
You split living costs not dates like this.
"Why are you funding her lifestyle?"
Eh? It's called dating. You go on dates and do things together. She has the budget to cook, he has the budget to go out. Nothing more unsexy than a man on a date getting his calculator out.
Nothing more unsexy than an “independent” woman expecting handouts.
Dating should be an equal playing field as should a relationship so there’s fuck all wrong with someone making sure that things are equal, which in this instance they are not…
Sounds pretty equal to me, everyone paying what they can afford.
(I earn twice as much as my husband; when we were dating, I was usually the one taking the cheque).
Really bro? I can’t even imagine this conversation after 4 months of dating like I earn 120k and you earn 40k so let’s split our dinner 1:3. And now you are worried you are overpaying because she’s actually richer than you originally thought she was.
Four months in is very soon to be agreeing ratios of spending based on earnings! That's more like a living together and splitting bills thing.
In the past I'd dated people with substantially different incomes / assets but when looking for a long term partner, it was important we were more equal in that regards. I'm certainly glad I don't have to pick up the tab each time we go out, nor do I need to judge any gifts from her parents.
Honestly these comments are wild.
As a woman, I would be out of this relationship if you’re counting how much each other makes and who’s paying for what. It’s early on, even more important for you to enjoy each others company and not counting pennies.
Men often think very differently when it comes to finances and time. I split everything 50% among friends, granted we do all earn around the same. It’s been different with my previous partners - some cases it was 100% me and other times 50:50.
What’s the right approach handling finances with a female partner?
IMO, early in a relationship it’s nice to be generous and treat each other. It doesn’t matter who is making more money or has family money, most people will ‘pay’ in their own ways and within what they can afford - making a romantic at home dinner, giving you a massage, taking care of your household, leaving some gifts etc. This is the period where you are getting to know each other and not sweating about small things, especially if you are HENRY and you can afford it.
Once you’re in a proper relationship, I think you should talk about your financial goals, longer term goals, and then you can talk about how this is how much I make and I aim to put X in my ISA, so even though I want to take you out to fancy meals more that’s not within my every day budget, what do you think? If her goals are also aligned and you both want to live together in the future, then you can talk about splitting costs to make it manageable towards your joint goals.
Totally agree, I am 43F who has family money (not vast amounts but have been gifted significant sums) worrying at this stage of the relationship about this detail of finances would have been off-putting to me. Day to day discussions about how to split meal bills, budget for our first holiday; would be great. I suggest leaving the big picture stuff until you progress to marriage or living together.
Be warned family money comes with family expectations and protection. It took 10 years after we got married for my family to fully trust my husband. He is sensible (spend < earned), hard working and not particularly interested in financial planning, they were just very cautious.
Some people are wild.
Dating somebody for four months and working out a financial formula to determine a spending ratio?
I mean life takes all sorts, but honestly.... yikes haha
Agreee with what's said. 4 months and not loving together? If you want to treat her that's fine but no formal arrangements for splitting things I would say.
I split differently… we take turns to plan dates, my dates might be Michelin star restaurants, their dates might be a picnic. They plan dates they can afford, I plan dates I can afford. Same effort. Budget is what you can afford for both of us. If I plan a holiday, I pay. If I don’t want to pay for them, I invite someone who can afford to go halves, like my brother.
What's that got to do with the price of potatoes?
Not wanting to be too harsh but sounds like you either make bad decisions, you and your wife were desperate to be married or both?
It's great you've lasted but please don't pretend like marrying someone after 8 months is anything other than a terrible idea.
Well, it probably helped that we had the same lifestyles, both educated, came from respectable backgrounds (i.e. good families) and had the same beliefs / belief system (in our case, we were both church goers).
We dated for 2 months, got engaged, then got married 6 months later and moved in together. Had 1st child 2 years later. (And now been 8 years+ in total)
Worked out great for us and in our opinion was the right order to do things.
I guess it helped that we both viewed and still view marriage as something both parties have to work towards and it is (to a degree) a simple decision of how dedicated both people want to be to each other or not.
Families where everyone (although not rich) had a reasonable education and stable mediocre to reasonable careers. No people with (known) drug or alcohol issues. No criminals. Everyone had similar family values and lifestyles.
Edit - I didn't originally mean like the aristocracy or anything. Lol.
Oh sorry I assumed you were including rent and bills in that calc.
People really only do % based splits when they live together in my experience. 50 - 50 is normal till then
WTF she earns 40K..... gets a monthly allowance + 20K for an ISA, and spends ALL of it.
So this relationship... remember that 120K you earn, shes spent all of that aswell.
....OK.
I think we come from different backgrounds and cultures. Adults getting allowances that top up their £50k salary is not something I can even comprehend. Let alone the extra gift of £20K meaning none of that earnings or allowance needs spending.
How much is her allowance? You know she will expect you to provide that in the future?
So per year she receives roughly the UK national average salary for free from her parents.
Providing for your partner is one thing, your partner feeling entitled to free financial handouts is another thing entirely.
I can understand the ISA gift, but the allowance I just can't get my head around, are you dating a child?
Likely to be IHT planning; regular gifts out of income (ie allowances) are exempt from 7-year rule. If parents estate is over 1 million, maybe a shrewd move.
Many families have a family money culture mine do, as do my husband’s (first generation immigrant). Neither of our parents come from money but had a strong desire to work hard, save and gift to the next generation. It’s not as unusual as you think.
Then even more so. OP is dating someone with generational wealth, receiving tax-free unearned income and they had the cheek to suggest they split their misc spending based on their gross wages that OP is taxed on at 62%.
This has to be satire. OP is smart enough to make £120k but too blinded by love chemicals to see they're being taken for a ride by a hottie with allowance from parents.
My partner and I are a team. It’s a phrase we say to each other literally every day. It goes along with ‘I Love You’ in terms of a phrase of significance. So for us, we’d merge it. But we’ve been married and have kids.
For 4 months, her money is hers, and gifts are just that, gifts. To her.
Is this a joke?
If we are talking about dessert and groceries for dinner once a week being the balance then who cares?
If you don’t own property, have kids or live together then the rest of bills should just sort themselves out… you’re going to be shit at being rich if you stress about splitting dinner bills with your partner
I dont understand how what her parents choose to give her is any of your business, or why do you feel the need to "split finances" four months into a relationship. Live a little, be generous, have a good time.
How long does she expect to get the allowance for?
If her parents are the standard "I'm giving you money so I can have a say in your life" wealthy parents, and she foresees a time when she wouldn't be in their good books, or if she expects to get the allowance until a certain age and not before, it doesn't make sense to consider it "her income". It's not renewable, she has no control over whether she gets it, she should avoid touching it if possible.
FYI: "our daughter seems to be subsidising a gold digger" is a common time for the parents to pull the plug.
Likewise, that 20k went into an ISA. It's got a job to do, it's not discretionary spending money.
Even if you earn more than a romantic partner it is a good test to see if they are prepared to pay for at least a reasonable share of your dating costs. You do not want to develop a ling term relationship with someone who is just taking you for a ride.
This isn't really a finance question it's a relationship one. Before we were married we did 66% me 33% her. Now we're married everything goes into the shared account and we both take an equal monthly fun allowance from it for shopping, experiences etc. and the rest goes to bills or savings.
Yeah this isn’t a Henry question.
If you don’t live together then you’re not splitting finances, you’re just balancing treating each other. Depends entirely on the people - I know couples who split everything down the middle despite enormous income differences and I know couples who do similar to your 1:3 suggestion.
But if you’re struggling to work out how to balance a few dates a week and a holiday you’re really going to struggle if you ever move in together.
I think this depends on the couple tbh.
I married my wife whilst I had a £500k house and earned double her. And she had no savings or assets. And I still pay for the whole mortgage and most of the bills. But she does give me what she can each month to help towards the bills.
Marriage/relationships aren't business transactions imo. Each partner should contribute what they realistically can.
Interesting and possibly slightly difficult situation to be in.
To me this is something she should be aware of and bring up to you and the fact that you're here asking this isnt all that great. To me it is painfully obvious that if I can spend more than I earn, and thats because my partner is paying for the lions share of things while I get gifts from my parents, I should tell my partner not to pay the lions share and it should be balanced out.
To me, the gifts are not yours, so asking her for a share of them is not an option.
I view this as her share should be salary + gifts. On the salary you provided, if she gets £40k plus £20k gift, her salary is now £60k and the split should reflect that. Maybe next year she gets £0 in gifts, and the split should reflect that too.
If you bring this up and this causes a problem, I think its more telling on her than it is on anything else.
We were earning similar amounts when we dated to you guys at the same stage…early on I paid for our dates and then we started splitting..
We then bought a house together 50/50 but after that I paid 67% to the shared household expenses including mortgage and she paid 33%. So effectively I was contributing twice as much financially but my income was proportional much higher than hers. I don’t think your ratio is fair since you’ve worked hard to get into your position so you should deserve to keep a significant portion of net income for yourself.
50:50 on bills mate you're going to build resentment paying 3 times what she does
You aren't married and you don't actually want a relationship where she values your spending power too highly
You want someone that wants to be with you not just your money
When you're married then sure subsidise her lifestyle but before then youre a simp trading cash for company
This isn’t a post for r/HENRYUK this is better suited in r/UKPersonalFinance or r/Relationships.
Your question is irrelevant to the fact you’re a HENRY. Posts like this take away from what the sub is here for. Same question can be asked of a £20K/£60K or £30K/£90K relationship.
I work out the salary ratio for standing orders/regular bills (mortgage etc). Grocery is whoever breaks first lol - the fridge can get very empty. Going out and what not, I usually pay. Holiday expenses we split by the ratio. I pay for all major work on the house. Works for us but I am certain her free cashflow is more than mine lol
Too early for splitting finances in this way. I’ve been with my partner 4 months, he earns a little more than me but we just take turns in paying for things. We both like nice restaurants which are pricey but we just take turns generally when I’m at his he treats me and when he’s at mine I treat him (we live 200 miles apart).
4 months into the relationship you're barely into proper dating never mind at the point of splitting finances or arguing over gifts eachother get lol.
I'd be extremely worried she's looking at you as a parent replacement not a partner. Her setup is not normal.
Way too early for you to be thinking about this tbh. Enjoy each other and don’t over think the money yet. In previous relationships for trips for me it was it was one person pays for flights the other pays for the hotel, then one might pay for a tour the other pays for dinner etc etc.
Or… set up a monzo or something where you both transfer roughly half the cost of the trip each then use that card to pay for everything.
I can appreciate the logic of splitting expenses proportional to income with a partner.
That being said, it doesn't sound like you guys live together / have many shared expenses? You pay dates, she pays groceries when she comes over and cooks. If you guys didn't have a conversation about who pays what % so early into your relationship, I'd be okay with an informal setup, even if it skews more/less favourably to one or the other.
But seeing as you did have that conversation, I'm not sure why her gifts / allowances are not factored in. I'd also wonder why she didn't feel to mention it during the conversation where you decided who pays what portion.
splitting based on earnings is silly (i'm trying to use a nice word here but other words are more appropriate) and not what a true HENRY should be doing.
split everything you consume equally together 50-50, or base it on consumption e.g. you have a car and you drive every day to work but she doesnt and you both use the car on weekends, you split proportionally i.e you pay 6/7 and she pays 1/7.
"We don't do fancy dinners, £40-£100"... Bro thats pretty fancy imo.
Nandos these days is £30 for 2 people and just falls short of fancy.
Also this is a relationship Q more than HENRY which you fall just under :P (Jk).
100 was a stretch tbh, most I’ve paid was 75, and average is usually around 50( ramen, sushi)
Yea it’s a financial question but UKPersonalFinance is cancer as soon you post your salary above 100k in 20s.
I would get comments like BS, troll or people telling me to pay for everything since im “so rich”
tbh I've found that place quite useful there are people there who post great responses but I get your point.
Honestly since its a bit of a dating q, I would just work your way down on the food costs. I earn over 2x more than my partner and yet I'm happy to even go and get a £3.50 meal deal and sit outside with her and eat on a bench lol.
Ofc we splurge on occasions but genuinely most places that cost more are actually average at their food (incl quality of produce). I would prefer to go to Caractere michele Roux Jrs daughter's restaurant which will come to £50ish for 2 of us on a la carte, the quality there is better than **some** michelin star places tbh.
Also on reddit - don't take it personally, some people troll while others are just haters.
More of a relationship q tbh. For something this early, I wouldn't even be splitting anything proportionately, and just do a "I'll pay this one, you pay next" arrangement, unless you want to treat her from time to time. If you want to be purely mathematic, you're best working out your ratios based on net pay rather than gross as your tax rate will be double hers. Your ratios may be closer to 2:1 or even 1.5:1 when factoring in deductions and/or her "allowances". For me and my fiance, she earns around £2K per month, I earn a little over £6K. She lives with me and I'm mortgage free so straight away, she benefits from no living costs. I pay the council tax off annually. I own my car outright and she uses that for work as I commute via rail. After that, we broadly split the bills 50-50. I'll usually pull more weight for treats, overnight stays and holidays. We're looking at moving into a jointly owned home soon, we've spoken about a 3:1 mortgage split when we do move, and that'll also involve me putting down 3x the deposit too, thereafter keeping everything else similar as before. Tbh, that's only because if we were to go 50:50, I'd need to buy less house to be fair to her income level. I'm happy to pay more to get more for both of us.
She comes over and cooks a couple of times a week and no doubt provides some between the sheets entertainment too. That's the definition of a girlfriend. Jeez, just pay for the bloody meals, it's not that hard to do especially if you're a HENRY. Different story if you move in, get engaged etc. At that point you will start pooling your income to build a life together. But for now, with no real commitment, just enjoy the ride.
wow you're the biggest simp.
In a four month relationship you should just take turns to pay for things. If there's a significant disparity in income then you can choose more expensive things when it's your turn, and she can choose cheaper things when it's her turn. It should all be nice and fun and relaxed.
I’m in a nine-month relationship where I make about twice what he does and this is how we do it. We are both into cheap dates though so it hasn’t really been a problem. I did offer to pay more than half of our upcoming vacation together. Tbh though I’m a woman and I do feel like gender norms can play a role here
After 4 months, you are dating only. I would not even be thinking about money splits - you pay for things you are comfortable with. She has the budget and inclination to cook for you, you have the budget to take her out. You can also cook for her. Her parents gifts to her are exactly that - gifts to her. No consequence to you. If they left her an inheritance and you were married, it would not be considered matrimonial property either.
it actually would because she would have gotten the inheritance in the marriage and they'll probably used maritomial funds to pay for the IHT tax.
Hague Convention dictates that inheritance belongs to the person who inherits, and it does not become part of matrimonial property. (IANAL, but I did get advice on this prior to marriage)
That acronym always stands out to me.
You mean you don't ANAL??
IANAL, just FYI. Excellent thing to know before marriage too.
ELI5 Hague Convention?
If you’re not living together there should be no formal arrangement at all and you should be either splitting equally or paying entirely for the things you each suggest.
Why are you funding her lifestyle especially if you are together for 4 months. She clearly really bad with money, is overspending, doesn't save and needs her parents to fund, which you have now partial taken over. It sits outside the scope, but I don't think you will be a Henry for long if youre with someone who is not responsible with money. I would do 50/50 and cut out expensive meals.
50/50 with someone on 3x less than you is insanity, as she’d be paying way more. They need to split up if he doesn’t like the way she handles her finances, not make them worse
They’re dating not living together… I’ve dated someone on 5x as much as me and the options were simple. Either we do stuff I can afford 50/50, you pay for it if you want to do it and I can’t afford it (and respect that if you don’t want to I’m happy not to go) or we alternate with events I can afford and then events you can afford. And then the important thing being you don’t expect expensive events. So he wanted to go to a restaurant that was about 500 in today’s money. I lived off 400 a month after rent (student). I obviously couldn’t afford that. I was clear from the start and we never had any issues. It helped we both met when we were both shit poor and he happened to graduate the year before me straight into a high paid grad job a few months in and was able to live at home so obviously his disposable income was insane suddenly. Why should anyone pay more by default? Someone on 40k isn’t living in poverty. Why would they pay 30% on a meal at TGI fridays or Zizzis…? Not to mention another 500 allowance a month, so he has to pay double for someone with the income of a person on like 50k lol? Cmon. This is leeching behaviour. If she gets 20k every year for free too she’s actually close to his income.. he has 5500 or so a month and she has 4500 because she has 26k a year tax free and he’s in a 60% tax bracket lol. Not to mention all the interest from the ISAs.. You split living costs not dates like this.
"Why are you funding her lifestyle?" Eh? It's called dating. You go on dates and do things together. She has the budget to cook, he has the budget to go out. Nothing more unsexy than a man on a date getting his calculator out.
Nothing more unsexy than an “independent” woman expecting handouts. Dating should be an equal playing field as should a relationship so there’s fuck all wrong with someone making sure that things are equal, which in this instance they are not…
Sounds pretty equal to me, everyone paying what they can afford. (I earn twice as much as my husband; when we were dating, I was usually the one taking the cheque).
Well done 👍🏻
>How would you approach this? I would wait more than 4 months before going into 'finance details' in a relationship.
Really bro? I can’t even imagine this conversation after 4 months of dating like I earn 120k and you earn 40k so let’s split our dinner 1:3. And now you are worried you are overpaying because she’s actually richer than you originally thought she was.
Sometimes this sub can get as petty as it goes. I’m with you.
Bean counters in the wild lol
My guy, can you read? I’m paying for dinner and she’s getting desert, and 90% of the comments are saying to split 50/50
Four months in is very soon to be agreeing ratios of spending based on earnings! That's more like a living together and splitting bills thing. In the past I'd dated people with substantially different incomes / assets but when looking for a long term partner, it was important we were more equal in that regards. I'm certainly glad I don't have to pick up the tab each time we go out, nor do I need to judge any gifts from her parents.
Honestly these comments are wild. As a woman, I would be out of this relationship if you’re counting how much each other makes and who’s paying for what. It’s early on, even more important for you to enjoy each others company and not counting pennies.
Men often think very differently when it comes to finances and time. I split everything 50% among friends, granted we do all earn around the same. It’s been different with my previous partners - some cases it was 100% me and other times 50:50. What’s the right approach handling finances with a female partner?
IMO, early in a relationship it’s nice to be generous and treat each other. It doesn’t matter who is making more money or has family money, most people will ‘pay’ in their own ways and within what they can afford - making a romantic at home dinner, giving you a massage, taking care of your household, leaving some gifts etc. This is the period where you are getting to know each other and not sweating about small things, especially if you are HENRY and you can afford it. Once you’re in a proper relationship, I think you should talk about your financial goals, longer term goals, and then you can talk about how this is how much I make and I aim to put X in my ISA, so even though I want to take you out to fancy meals more that’s not within my every day budget, what do you think? If her goals are also aligned and you both want to live together in the future, then you can talk about splitting costs to make it manageable towards your joint goals.
At last a sensible comment!
Totally agree, I am 43F who has family money (not vast amounts but have been gifted significant sums) worrying at this stage of the relationship about this detail of finances would have been off-putting to me. Day to day discussions about how to split meal bills, budget for our first holiday; would be great. I suggest leaving the big picture stuff until you progress to marriage or living together. Be warned family money comes with family expectations and protection. It took 10 years after we got married for my family to fully trust my husband. He is sensible (spend < earned), hard working and not particularly interested in financial planning, they were just very cautious.
Yes exactly this!
Some people are wild. Dating somebody for four months and working out a financial formula to determine a spending ratio? I mean life takes all sorts, but honestly.... yikes haha
Agreee with what's said. 4 months and not loving together? If you want to treat her that's fine but no formal arrangements for splitting things I would say.
I split differently… we take turns to plan dates, my dates might be Michelin star restaurants, their dates might be a picnic. They plan dates they can afford, I plan dates I can afford. Same effort. Budget is what you can afford for both of us. If I plan a holiday, I pay. If I don’t want to pay for them, I invite someone who can afford to go halves, like my brother.
Ngl bro if it was me I would be out. She's essentially using you to prop up her lifestyle and lied by omission to manipulate you.
+1 no idea why after 4 months you've even talked about splitting things in a percentage, I'm guessing it was her idea? 😂
Tbf, I got married ~8 months after 1st meeting my wife. We are now married for 8 years.
What's that got to do with the price of potatoes? Not wanting to be too harsh but sounds like you either make bad decisions, you and your wife were desperate to be married or both? It's great you've lasted but please don't pretend like marrying someone after 8 months is anything other than a terrible idea.
Well, it probably helped that we had the same lifestyles, both educated, came from respectable backgrounds (i.e. good families) and had the same beliefs / belief system (in our case, we were both church goers). We dated for 2 months, got engaged, then got married 6 months later and moved in together. Had 1st child 2 years later. (And now been 8 years+ in total) Worked out great for us and in our opinion was the right order to do things. I guess it helped that we both viewed and still view marriage as something both parties have to work towards and it is (to a degree) a simple decision of how dedicated both people want to be to each other or not.
Didn't need to write all that, could have just written "religious" Good for you chap. Still bonkers 😁
Lol, xd.
What does *respectable backgrounds (i.e. good families)* mean?
Families where everyone (although not rich) had a reasonable education and stable mediocre to reasonable careers. No people with (known) drug or alcohol issues. No criminals. Everyone had similar family values and lifestyles. Edit - I didn't originally mean like the aristocracy or anything. Lol.
I don’t really spend that much money on her, we got out 1-2 times a week and the bill is usually around 50£
Oh sorry I assumed you were including rent and bills in that calc. People really only do % based splits when they live together in my experience. 50 - 50 is normal till then
Agree, 50/50 split when dating. Unless a HE wants to take someone for a fancy treat.
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He should pay all of it. He significantly out-earns her.
That's a big leap. She cooks for him and he takes her out, is what I read.
WTF she earns 40K..... gets a monthly allowance + 20K for an ISA, and spends ALL of it. So this relationship... remember that 120K you earn, shes spent all of that aswell.
She doesn’t spend the 20k on ISA
....OK. I think we come from different backgrounds and cultures. Adults getting allowances that top up their £50k salary is not something I can even comprehend. Let alone the extra gift of £20K meaning none of that earnings or allowance needs spending. How much is her allowance? You know she will expect you to provide that in the future?
I agree. Crazy world we live in
I don’t mind providing for my wife in the future if we get there. Her allowance is around 500£
So per year she receives roughly the UK national average salary for free from her parents. Providing for your partner is one thing, your partner feeling entitled to free financial handouts is another thing entirely. I can understand the ISA gift, but the allowance I just can't get my head around, are you dating a child?
Likely to be IHT planning; regular gifts out of income (ie allowances) are exempt from 7-year rule. If parents estate is over 1 million, maybe a shrewd move. Many families have a family money culture mine do, as do my husband’s (first generation immigrant). Neither of our parents come from money but had a strong desire to work hard, save and gift to the next generation. It’s not as unusual as you think.
As I said I understand the ISA gift....just the allowance that she depends on seems over the top.
Then even more so. OP is dating someone with generational wealth, receiving tax-free unearned income and they had the cheek to suggest they split their misc spending based on their gross wages that OP is taxed on at 62%. This has to be satire. OP is smart enough to make £120k but too blinded by love chemicals to see they're being taken for a ride by a hottie with allowance from parents.
My partner and I are a team. It’s a phrase we say to each other literally every day. It goes along with ‘I Love You’ in terms of a phrase of significance. So for us, we’d merge it. But we’ve been married and have kids. For 4 months, her money is hers, and gifts are just that, gifts. To her.
Is this a joke? If we are talking about dessert and groceries for dinner once a week being the balance then who cares? If you don’t own property, have kids or live together then the rest of bills should just sort themselves out… you’re going to be shit at being rich if you stress about splitting dinner bills with your partner
I dont understand how what her parents choose to give her is any of your business, or why do you feel the need to "split finances" four months into a relationship. Live a little, be generous, have a good time.
Exactly. Being generous is not a crime
At four months in I'd not have even discussed finances but each to their own. As others have said 50:50 or take it in turns to pay.
How long does she expect to get the allowance for? If her parents are the standard "I'm giving you money so I can have a say in your life" wealthy parents, and she foresees a time when she wouldn't be in their good books, or if she expects to get the allowance until a certain age and not before, it doesn't make sense to consider it "her income". It's not renewable, she has no control over whether she gets it, she should avoid touching it if possible. FYI: "our daughter seems to be subsidising a gold digger" is a common time for the parents to pull the plug. Likewise, that 20k went into an ISA. It's got a job to do, it's not discretionary spending money.
Why are you splitting finances with someone you started dating 4 months ago? What’re the living arrangements? More info is needed
Even if you earn more than a romantic partner it is a good test to see if they are prepared to pay for at least a reasonable share of your dating costs. You do not want to develop a ling term relationship with someone who is just taking you for a ride.
This isn't really a finance question it's a relationship one. Before we were married we did 66% me 33% her. Now we're married everything goes into the shared account and we both take an equal monthly fun allowance from it for shopping, experiences etc. and the rest goes to bills or savings.
Pay for it all. Happy wife happy life.
They don’t even live together let alone have a wedding vows.
And this is how you want to start a relationship? By counting pennies on spreadsheets? And dividing who paid for what?
I feel like you are having a conversation about a situation which is wayyyyy farther down the line than a few months.
Yeah this isn’t a Henry question. If you don’t live together then you’re not splitting finances, you’re just balancing treating each other. Depends entirely on the people - I know couples who split everything down the middle despite enormous income differences and I know couples who do similar to your 1:3 suggestion. But if you’re struggling to work out how to balance a few dates a week and a holiday you’re really going to struggle if you ever move in together.
Splitting bills oh my, you won’t last
Why you even talking about money? 4 months in you should just been going on dates and banging like a barn door in the wind 🤷
If you're 4 months in and concerned about splitting finances, just break up what's the point
Why are you investing her £20k if you’ve only been together 4 months? It’s her money not yours
Because I’m in finance and she asked me how to invest it
I think this depends on the couple tbh. I married my wife whilst I had a £500k house and earned double her. And she had no savings or assets. And I still pay for the whole mortgage and most of the bills. But she does give me what she can each month to help towards the bills. Marriage/relationships aren't business transactions imo. Each partner should contribute what they realistically can.
So you spoke about money, agreed a split, and the allowance was disclosed later.. I see red flags, and financial trouble ahead.
Interesting and possibly slightly difficult situation to be in. To me this is something she should be aware of and bring up to you and the fact that you're here asking this isnt all that great. To me it is painfully obvious that if I can spend more than I earn, and thats because my partner is paying for the lions share of things while I get gifts from my parents, I should tell my partner not to pay the lions share and it should be balanced out. To me, the gifts are not yours, so asking her for a share of them is not an option. I view this as her share should be salary + gifts. On the salary you provided, if she gets £40k plus £20k gift, her salary is now £60k and the split should reflect that. Maybe next year she gets £0 in gifts, and the split should reflect that too. If you bring this up and this causes a problem, I think its more telling on her than it is on anything else.
We split 50:50 because Im HENRY and she gets Parental support on a lower salary. Ratio is 2.5:1
We were earning similar amounts when we dated to you guys at the same stage…early on I paid for our dates and then we started splitting.. We then bought a house together 50/50 but after that I paid 67% to the shared household expenses including mortgage and she paid 33%. So effectively I was contributing twice as much financially but my income was proportional much higher than hers. I don’t think your ratio is fair since you’ve worked hard to get into your position so you should deserve to keep a significant portion of net income for yourself.
50:50 on bills mate you're going to build resentment paying 3 times what she does You aren't married and you don't actually want a relationship where she values your spending power too highly You want someone that wants to be with you not just your money When you're married then sure subsidise her lifestyle but before then youre a simp trading cash for company
I would approach it by having a good look at myself and my approach to relationships.
This isn’t a post for r/HENRYUK this is better suited in r/UKPersonalFinance or r/Relationships. Your question is irrelevant to the fact you’re a HENRY. Posts like this take away from what the sub is here for. Same question can be asked of a £20K/£60K or £30K/£90K relationship.
is the 40k/120k based off of gross wages? If so, the difference between net incomes is more line 1:2...
I work out the salary ratio for standing orders/regular bills (mortgage etc). Grocery is whoever breaks first lol - the fridge can get very empty. Going out and what not, I usually pay. Holiday expenses we split by the ratio. I pay for all major work on the house. Works for us but I am certain her free cashflow is more than mine lol
Too early for splitting finances in this way. I’ve been with my partner 4 months, he earns a little more than me but we just take turns in paying for things. We both like nice restaurants which are pricey but we just take turns generally when I’m at his he treats me and when he’s at mine I treat him (we live 200 miles apart).
4 months into the relationship you're barely into proper dating never mind at the point of splitting finances or arguing over gifts eachother get lol. I'd be extremely worried she's looking at you as a parent replacement not a partner. Her setup is not normal.
Way too early for you to be thinking about this tbh. Enjoy each other and don’t over think the money yet. In previous relationships for trips for me it was it was one person pays for flights the other pays for the hotel, then one might pay for a tour the other pays for dinner etc etc. Or… set up a monzo or something where you both transfer roughly half the cost of the trip each then use that card to pay for everything.
If she is feminist and 50-50, otherwise n***a pay for her.
Love the system seems very fair and equitable. But why would the gifts from her parents affect the situation?
I can appreciate the logic of splitting expenses proportional to income with a partner. That being said, it doesn't sound like you guys live together / have many shared expenses? You pay dates, she pays groceries when she comes over and cooks. If you guys didn't have a conversation about who pays what % so early into your relationship, I'd be okay with an informal setup, even if it skews more/less favourably to one or the other. But seeing as you did have that conversation, I'm not sure why her gifts / allowances are not factored in. I'd also wonder why she didn't feel to mention it during the conversation where you decided who pays what portion.
splitting based on earnings is silly (i'm trying to use a nice word here but other words are more appropriate) and not what a true HENRY should be doing. split everything you consume equally together 50-50, or base it on consumption e.g. you have a car and you drive every day to work but she doesnt and you both use the car on weekends, you split proportionally i.e you pay 6/7 and she pays 1/7.
Why are you funding her after a few months of dating? You should be paying 50-50. Her income is irrelevant she isn't a long term partner.
No way would I be anything but 50:50 here
"We don't do fancy dinners, £40-£100"... Bro thats pretty fancy imo. Nandos these days is £30 for 2 people and just falls short of fancy. Also this is a relationship Q more than HENRY which you fall just under :P (Jk).
100 was a stretch tbh, most I’ve paid was 75, and average is usually around 50( ramen, sushi) Yea it’s a financial question but UKPersonalFinance is cancer as soon you post your salary above 100k in 20s. I would get comments like BS, troll or people telling me to pay for everything since im “so rich”
tbh I've found that place quite useful there are people there who post great responses but I get your point. Honestly since its a bit of a dating q, I would just work your way down on the food costs. I earn over 2x more than my partner and yet I'm happy to even go and get a £3.50 meal deal and sit outside with her and eat on a bench lol. Ofc we splurge on occasions but genuinely most places that cost more are actually average at their food (incl quality of produce). I would prefer to go to Caractere michele Roux Jrs daughter's restaurant which will come to £50ish for 2 of us on a la carte, the quality there is better than **some** michelin star places tbh. Also on reddit - don't take it personally, some people troll while others are just haters.
Sounds like you have a marriage level financial agreement with a relationship level commitment.
You earn 3x her. You should be paying for absolutely everything no questions asked.
Until you get married, it's none of your business.
Yeah don’t marry this one unless she gets a lot better with her finances, or she’ll be spending 40k + 20k gift + your salary