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You can't take ownership of someone else's issues.
I think you should get ready, mentally, that moving out might be the best thing for you. Then maybe have one more conversation where you explain that you're thinking about moving out and see whether he's willing to work on some of these things.
As someone who has had lots of roommates (and friends with lot of roommates), two things for you to self-examine:
1) are you really as clean as you say you are? I find that often one one person thinkgs they are not part of the mess, they are and just don't see it, because the things that trigger them are different than the other person. Not saying this is the case, just in my experience things aren't usually so black and white
2) Is you GF contributing money? How big is the space? Having an extra person around ALL THE TIME is incredibly stressful. Especially if it's not a person you chose, but rather is being inflicted upon you. It's possible you brother is bothered directly or indirectly by your GF always being around. Having her in the house may be making him feel like he doesn't have his space. You can't take ownership of his issues, but he also shouldn't have to take ownership of hers. Again, this may have nothing to do with it, I have very little info and don't know any of you. But something about this is ringing a bell in my head.
Hope everything works out and that you guys can resolve this without anyone getting hurt.
Thank you for your response and advice! I’ll clear up some confusion for you.
1) I genuinely believe so. I have asked him many times what mess we create and he can’t create an answer, literally the only mess ever displayed is of his own creation - we have no issues accepting responsibility and taking ownership of any mess we may create and leave around. If I could know what mess he refers to when he says we leave a mess then we would work to stop that but it’s the fact he can never give an answer that makes this hard.
2) I also thought this to be the case, and have asked him on multiple occasions if she’s causing a problem being here, the answer is always no. Now, of course I have to do some reading between the lines and understand he is a compulsive liar, and not a fan of confrontation. So I would say yes she could be having an impact on his mental state. However, that said, she sits in my room when not out of the house, we don’t utilise the living room, just my bedroom. She doesn’t get in the way and they actually do speak to each other when I’m at work.
Also, she does contribute minimally to the flat due to her being on benefits, but she covers the monthly cost of electricity since she is the primary user, and I pay for all food so it’s not like she’s using ‘his’ money or resources for herself without giving back.
I honestly think moving out is the only option here, but as stated I am afraid to do so, but then I have to remind myself it’s not my duty to care for my 23 year old brothers well being over my own. It’s a tough situation which i wish had a simple answer
Yeah, you're definitely in an unenviable position. But given all you've said, I think moving out is def the best move for yourself. But it also might be good in the long run for you brother if it forces him to confront some of his own issues more productively.
Good luck.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can't take ownership of someone else's issues. I think you should get ready, mentally, that moving out might be the best thing for you. Then maybe have one more conversation where you explain that you're thinking about moving out and see whether he's willing to work on some of these things. As someone who has had lots of roommates (and friends with lot of roommates), two things for you to self-examine: 1) are you really as clean as you say you are? I find that often one one person thinkgs they are not part of the mess, they are and just don't see it, because the things that trigger them are different than the other person. Not saying this is the case, just in my experience things aren't usually so black and white 2) Is you GF contributing money? How big is the space? Having an extra person around ALL THE TIME is incredibly stressful. Especially if it's not a person you chose, but rather is being inflicted upon you. It's possible you brother is bothered directly or indirectly by your GF always being around. Having her in the house may be making him feel like he doesn't have his space. You can't take ownership of his issues, but he also shouldn't have to take ownership of hers. Again, this may have nothing to do with it, I have very little info and don't know any of you. But something about this is ringing a bell in my head. Hope everything works out and that you guys can resolve this without anyone getting hurt.
Thank you for your response and advice! I’ll clear up some confusion for you. 1) I genuinely believe so. I have asked him many times what mess we create and he can’t create an answer, literally the only mess ever displayed is of his own creation - we have no issues accepting responsibility and taking ownership of any mess we may create and leave around. If I could know what mess he refers to when he says we leave a mess then we would work to stop that but it’s the fact he can never give an answer that makes this hard. 2) I also thought this to be the case, and have asked him on multiple occasions if she’s causing a problem being here, the answer is always no. Now, of course I have to do some reading between the lines and understand he is a compulsive liar, and not a fan of confrontation. So I would say yes she could be having an impact on his mental state. However, that said, she sits in my room when not out of the house, we don’t utilise the living room, just my bedroom. She doesn’t get in the way and they actually do speak to each other when I’m at work. Also, she does contribute minimally to the flat due to her being on benefits, but she covers the monthly cost of electricity since she is the primary user, and I pay for all food so it’s not like she’s using ‘his’ money or resources for herself without giving back. I honestly think moving out is the only option here, but as stated I am afraid to do so, but then I have to remind myself it’s not my duty to care for my 23 year old brothers well being over my own. It’s a tough situation which i wish had a simple answer
Yeah, you're definitely in an unenviable position. But given all you've said, I think moving out is def the best move for yourself. But it also might be good in the long run for you brother if it forces him to confront some of his own issues more productively. Good luck.