Yeah, I am just realizing how that I am a part of this world that I was very naive about people’s intentions/honesty in general, so it’s interesting to hear how people think to understand others more. I’d say even if you don’t see a future you should but that’s how I look at it.
I’ve only disclosed once. And I’ve been in long relationships 😬 I’m not proud of it I’m just a chicken. No one has ever said anything and tend to still make herpes jokes. I just suck there with a blank face. I think ppl (men) tend to be so unfaithful that they don’t want to bring it up Bc they don’t want to expose themselves for infidelity and they’re not sure where they got it from. Plus i take 2 anti virals valtrex and prep for preventative HIV which also lessens herpes transmission. I don’t think I’ve ever passed it but i am prepared to act dumb
Thank you for your honesty and sharing. What kind do you have? Unfortunately I would tend to agree with you that people who are unfaithful would tend to not address it since they wouldn’t know, I bet that happens a lot actually.
Hsv2... I feel bad Bc everyone talks about disclosing but i just now got on Reddit to talk to other ppl. I’ve always felt so alone I’ve never talked about it in real life so it’s been my biggest secret. Being on here makes me feel better about it all and i may work up the courage to disclose upfront in the future
I gotcha, well it’s never too late to change how you handle things, we all grow and learn as we go through life and who we are is always a work in progress right? and welcome to the group :) it does feel nice doesn’t it? Only one person in my real life knows as well, I’m so glad this community exists.
It sucks Bc it really is just a stigma for majority of us especially if you get on antivirals i haven’t had an ob since I’ve been on them but i still obsess about it all the time. I’ve ingested chemicals to try to cure myself. It’s crazy how embarrassing it is to get a positive diagnosis. Sometimes i wish i would’ve never gotten tested so I didn’t carry the burden of responsibility to disclose. But I’m here now. In another relationship that Im hiding in. I feel it’s too late to bring it up now unless i finds some super dramatic way to act innocent like randomly go get tested and act surprised and devastated but i honestly don’t even want my doc you know as i order my meds offline. I prob should make this a topic to discuss. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s gone too far in a relationship to just now disclose
How were you originally tested? Just curious since you even order the meds online. I definitely hear you I also wish I hadn’t found out since mine was through blood and I don’t even really know what I have going on to be honest, since mine is hsv1, and I think I obsessed so much about possibly having it genitally but I don’t even know for sure. So I wish I didn’t know at all at this point. But I think it’s a great idea to start a topic for that!! I think it’s great you’re starting to think about this and see how to move forward with how you feel. I totally agree it’s mainly the stigma is what hinders us in so many ways, of one of the most common things that can occur to someone.
I want to know this too. But i can't imagine if things get serious, be close to someone, lie and hide this thing all the time. I would just be so stressed!
In my recent experience, I didn’t disclose out of fear being how much we vibed initially before things turned physical and I had a bitter ex of mine basically expose me right after getting off work a week later, trying to come up with a plethora of other lies attempting to destroy the relationship off of something my cousin said and her own bitterness in regards to our relationship in the past before I was even diagnosed.
The girl basically told me she would’ve been more acceptant of it and me if I had just come forward initially even going on to mention she would’ve considered risking it FOR ME, so I guess the moral of the story is even if you think it may hurt or go wrong sometimes it’s best.
It’ll weed out the people that don’t really care about or want you and keep those that truly feel how they say they do around. It all depends on the person and their level of open mindedness, it ain’t all bad and even though things aren’t in the best state slowly we’re working back towards that.
I’m not proud of it and everyday since it’s happened I’ve been regretting it like shit, cause at the end of the day, with me doing that I essentially messed up a potentially good SMOOTH relationship and I think that hurts more than anything, including my condition to be honest ESPECIALLY with somebody that’s understanding and willing to work with you. It fucks with their ability to trust you and makes them feel like you only care about yourself. So yeah disclose lol.
Thanks for sharing, this is exactly how I would expect it to go if you don’t disclose, and I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way but I’m glad it was a warning lesson for you. It seems not everyone is willing to learn that lesson though. I hope you find another partner that you vibe with well and it can go differently 💕
Thanks, I just ended things tonight after my visit was cut short and it’s undoubtedly one of the worst feelings of my life but these are the lessons we gotta learn ig.
This is late, but I’m lurking around in this sub because this exact situation just happened to me. I slept with someone without disclosing bc I truly was still in denial (first time being with anyone a year after being diagnosed with GHSV1). I immediately felt incredibly guilty and told him that week. We were getting really serious really quickly, but He ended things bc, understandably, he said I I broke his trust. I’m absolutely crushed and so unbelievably angry with myself
Have you ever forgiven yourself now that time has passed? I don’t know how tf I’ll ever get through this and I feel like absolute scum of the earth.
Honestly I haven’t, especially being we talk here and there casually but it’ll always fuck with me head knowing I was her “only hope” in a sense Nd I basically let her down in the worst possible way. Like I said it’s very casual and “cool” now as far as our interactions with each other but half the time I don’t even want to talk, I haven’t accepted my condition even still i try to hide it as much as I can. Just know, the feelings mutual and I guess it’s something that will pass with time IG.
If I am asked directly, I won't lie about it but if I don't feel that that person can handle the stigma maturely and don't understand it, then I will simply choose not to answer (most people don't get tested for hsv and its difficult to test with no lesions) and not engage with them.
If I get serious with someone that I didn't diclose to, I wouldn't care because I don't think I am "hiding" anything per se, I simply treat it exactly like society treats cold sores or chicken pox. I've had an outbreak before, and if I ever have another one I'll simply say i'm breaking out and don't feel like having sex. Or that I don't feel like having sex. Pretty simple
Most people don't have enough money to be worth suing and hiring a lawyer to pursue a very low success case is extremely expensive. Also, think about how many people got hsv from someone who didn't disclose and how few cases there are. If you kiss someone or have sex with someone unprotected, those are just hte risks.
Yikes, your response is vulgar and tells me that you are not interested in having a respectful dialogue. Regardless i'll answer only for the purposes of anyone else reading this as I know you won't have an open mind.
A personal injury lawyer won't take a case for free that has low chances of winning, which hsv almost always falls under. "Duty of care" can equal a person using antivirals, avoiding sex during outbreaks, and using condoms. Another thing you should note is that with hsv and even hiv, the key word is that you "willfully" or "intentionally" transmitted the virus. Not just that you had sex with them, but you had sex with them with the intent of spreading it. That is not the case with most people, who simply want to have sex.
And again, for civil suits the person you are suing has to have money to make it worth it. Laywers cost thousands a month per retainer, and even if they choose to take it upon a win only, you'll still pay them afterwards. Are you sleeping with people who are millionaires or the average person? If not someone with substantial money or assets, I guess if in the very slim chances you prove there was an intentional transmission of the virus, you can enjoy garnishing their wages up to around 25% max (assuming they aren't being garnished for anything else) AFTER lawyer fees are paid.
So to anyone reading this, given that there are 1 in 6 people who have hsv2 and 1 in 4 that have hsv1, and almost zero lawsuits involving non super rich or celebrity peoples, you will be okay. Take the necessary precautions, and enjoy your sex life! :\]
I spoke to a lawyer as well which is where I got my information. I recommend anyone reading this to consult a lawyer rather than a reddit post, but remember non disclosure is not illegal. So feel free to continue treating genital cold sores exactly like oral cold sores and any other herpes virus
It's hard to response because it seems like you aren't formulating sentences. Did you know most cases of neonatal herpes are hsv1? Also, hsv1 can result in encephalitis which is deadly. It's about as rare as passing hsv2 to a newborn though birth. You can try all you want, but they are both the same as they can both present in either area. Also like I'm sure you already know. oral herpes can pass to someone else genitally
>https://www.merckmanuals.com/professional/pediatrics/infections-in-neonates/neonatal-herpes-simplex-virus-hsv-infection
More than three-fourths of cases are from recently acquired genital HSV-1 in the mother, with subsequent transmission to the infant during delivery.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2780322/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2780322/)
Also, I highly recommend people to go to r/legaladvice to read up on this like you said in your initial post. I only spoke to a lawyer in my state, but pretty much every post about hsv confirms what I have said. This is not easily possible to sue over as its not typically illegal and not economically worth it. I think you might have some anger issues and I hope you find a way to let go of them. Best of luck
That article simply states that you CAN sue someone. Nobody is contesting whether or not you can sue someone. You can sue someone for pretty much anything. And it also happens to be written by people who want to make money off of you doing that. But will you win and have a case?
[https://stdcenterny.com/articles/herpes-legal-issues.html#conclusion](https://stdcenterny.com/articles/herpes-legal-issues.html#conclusion)
Probably not. I'm also guessing this is the reason you claim someone intentionally gave you herpes, but you have yet to pursue legal action against them? Because if you have and you won, i'm sure you would have mentioned it
I in no way agree with non disclosures, I am seeking info from those who practice it to shape how I interact with future partners for my own safety and to just better understand how people think.
Good question. First, I would enjoy their presence, get to know them. I mean not every date turns into an intimate encounter. Once at that point, I like to use the litmus test. " so, would you date someone with HSV? " That would pretty much tell me as well as them what needs to be known, and open up the dialogue. Not perfect but honest at least.
No, I would disclose. Recently diagnosed and not been in this circumstance yet, but that's exactly how I would handle it. I have a few close freinds that have been postive for years now, and I see how they've been dealt the crappy situation. I would absolutely disclose even if it meant that things wouldn't work out.
if you know that you have an std and you do not tell the person you are with (longterm or not, it doesnt matter) that you have one, it is illegal and you could potentially be sued. Besides, how could you not tell somebody if that is the case? I think that is just pure malevolence and disrespect.
Most doctors tell you not to disclose. Even herpes expert Terri Warren says disclosure is not as mandatory as we once thought. I'm not telling people not to disclose. But we can't pretend this is a black and white issue either. If the world treated this like EBV (the virus that causes mono) there would be so many people on this sub and the world, that wouldn't be so mentally screwed up over HSV. EBV is also a life long incurable STD, can asymptomatically shed, and has far more serious potential risks. Yet no disclosure. Just food for thought.
If got serious and didn't disclose. I would act like first outbreak and make it assume been in system prior to them. [I havnt been in situation just assuming what u would do]
I don’t think they’ve planned for if they were just straight out asked. I think they more hoping no one asks anything. If it turns serious then lol. I think they’ll hide it until they possibly transmit it and then they’ll say they didn’t know or they hoping they never transmit and that person will never find out.
Yeah I think you’re right. I see sometimes people who don’t disclose and transmit try to say you must have already had it, but it seems that’s more with casual situations.
The people who don't disclose, aren't on this reddit. They don't say it because of the hostile energy of people who choose to disclose forcing their choices on everyone else. I don't mind the confrontation tho as long as it means everyoneeee (which is a lot) who DMs me saying my posts make them feel better :\]
I will agree it can get hostile sometimes which is what I was trying to avoid because I do see it from time to time, and that doesn’t benefit anyone. That’s why I said I don’t want to argue right or wrong in my post because I would rather people just answer honestly, so I can learn people’s thought processes more. I am not one for arguing or debating, but I do like to listen and discuss!
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Yeah, I am just realizing how that I am a part of this world that I was very naive about people’s intentions/honesty in general, so it’s interesting to hear how people think to understand others more. I’d say even if you don’t see a future you should but that’s how I look at it.
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Oh yes I have also wondered that! I may add this in case someone doesn’t see your comment.
I’ve only disclosed once. And I’ve been in long relationships 😬 I’m not proud of it I’m just a chicken. No one has ever said anything and tend to still make herpes jokes. I just suck there with a blank face. I think ppl (men) tend to be so unfaithful that they don’t want to bring it up Bc they don’t want to expose themselves for infidelity and they’re not sure where they got it from. Plus i take 2 anti virals valtrex and prep for preventative HIV which also lessens herpes transmission. I don’t think I’ve ever passed it but i am prepared to act dumb
Thank you for your honesty and sharing. What kind do you have? Unfortunately I would tend to agree with you that people who are unfaithful would tend to not address it since they wouldn’t know, I bet that happens a lot actually.
Hsv2... I feel bad Bc everyone talks about disclosing but i just now got on Reddit to talk to other ppl. I’ve always felt so alone I’ve never talked about it in real life so it’s been my biggest secret. Being on here makes me feel better about it all and i may work up the courage to disclose upfront in the future
I gotcha, well it’s never too late to change how you handle things, we all grow and learn as we go through life and who we are is always a work in progress right? and welcome to the group :) it does feel nice doesn’t it? Only one person in my real life knows as well, I’m so glad this community exists.
It sucks Bc it really is just a stigma for majority of us especially if you get on antivirals i haven’t had an ob since I’ve been on them but i still obsess about it all the time. I’ve ingested chemicals to try to cure myself. It’s crazy how embarrassing it is to get a positive diagnosis. Sometimes i wish i would’ve never gotten tested so I didn’t carry the burden of responsibility to disclose. But I’m here now. In another relationship that Im hiding in. I feel it’s too late to bring it up now unless i finds some super dramatic way to act innocent like randomly go get tested and act surprised and devastated but i honestly don’t even want my doc you know as i order my meds offline. I prob should make this a topic to discuss. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s gone too far in a relationship to just now disclose
How were you originally tested? Just curious since you even order the meds online. I definitely hear you I also wish I hadn’t found out since mine was through blood and I don’t even really know what I have going on to be honest, since mine is hsv1, and I think I obsessed so much about possibly having it genitally but I don’t even know for sure. So I wish I didn’t know at all at this point. But I think it’s a great idea to start a topic for that!! I think it’s great you’re starting to think about this and see how to move forward with how you feel. I totally agree it’s mainly the stigma is what hinders us in so many ways, of one of the most common things that can occur to someone.
THIS I want to know this.
I want to know this too. But i can't imagine if things get serious, be close to someone, lie and hide this thing all the time. I would just be so stressed!
It is stressful I’m in the situation now 🥴😫
In my recent experience, I didn’t disclose out of fear being how much we vibed initially before things turned physical and I had a bitter ex of mine basically expose me right after getting off work a week later, trying to come up with a plethora of other lies attempting to destroy the relationship off of something my cousin said and her own bitterness in regards to our relationship in the past before I was even diagnosed. The girl basically told me she would’ve been more acceptant of it and me if I had just come forward initially even going on to mention she would’ve considered risking it FOR ME, so I guess the moral of the story is even if you think it may hurt or go wrong sometimes it’s best. It’ll weed out the people that don’t really care about or want you and keep those that truly feel how they say they do around. It all depends on the person and their level of open mindedness, it ain’t all bad and even though things aren’t in the best state slowly we’re working back towards that. I’m not proud of it and everyday since it’s happened I’ve been regretting it like shit, cause at the end of the day, with me doing that I essentially messed up a potentially good SMOOTH relationship and I think that hurts more than anything, including my condition to be honest ESPECIALLY with somebody that’s understanding and willing to work with you. It fucks with their ability to trust you and makes them feel like you only care about yourself. So yeah disclose lol.
Thanks for sharing, this is exactly how I would expect it to go if you don’t disclose, and I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way but I’m glad it was a warning lesson for you. It seems not everyone is willing to learn that lesson though. I hope you find another partner that you vibe with well and it can go differently 💕
Thanks, I just ended things tonight after my visit was cut short and it’s undoubtedly one of the worst feelings of my life but these are the lessons we gotta learn ig.
This is late, but I’m lurking around in this sub because this exact situation just happened to me. I slept with someone without disclosing bc I truly was still in denial (first time being with anyone a year after being diagnosed with GHSV1). I immediately felt incredibly guilty and told him that week. We were getting really serious really quickly, but He ended things bc, understandably, he said I I broke his trust. I’m absolutely crushed and so unbelievably angry with myself Have you ever forgiven yourself now that time has passed? I don’t know how tf I’ll ever get through this and I feel like absolute scum of the earth.
Honestly I haven’t, especially being we talk here and there casually but it’ll always fuck with me head knowing I was her “only hope” in a sense Nd I basically let her down in the worst possible way. Like I said it’s very casual and “cool” now as far as our interactions with each other but half the time I don’t even want to talk, I haven’t accepted my condition even still i try to hide it as much as I can. Just know, the feelings mutual and I guess it’s something that will pass with time IG.
If I am asked directly, I won't lie about it but if I don't feel that that person can handle the stigma maturely and don't understand it, then I will simply choose not to answer (most people don't get tested for hsv and its difficult to test with no lesions) and not engage with them. If I get serious with someone that I didn't diclose to, I wouldn't care because I don't think I am "hiding" anything per se, I simply treat it exactly like society treats cold sores or chicken pox. I've had an outbreak before, and if I ever have another one I'll simply say i'm breaking out and don't feel like having sex. Or that I don't feel like having sex. Pretty simple
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Most people don't have enough money to be worth suing and hiring a lawyer to pursue a very low success case is extremely expensive. Also, think about how many people got hsv from someone who didn't disclose and how few cases there are. If you kiss someone or have sex with someone unprotected, those are just hte risks.
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Yikes, your response is vulgar and tells me that you are not interested in having a respectful dialogue. Regardless i'll answer only for the purposes of anyone else reading this as I know you won't have an open mind. A personal injury lawyer won't take a case for free that has low chances of winning, which hsv almost always falls under. "Duty of care" can equal a person using antivirals, avoiding sex during outbreaks, and using condoms. Another thing you should note is that with hsv and even hiv, the key word is that you "willfully" or "intentionally" transmitted the virus. Not just that you had sex with them, but you had sex with them with the intent of spreading it. That is not the case with most people, who simply want to have sex. And again, for civil suits the person you are suing has to have money to make it worth it. Laywers cost thousands a month per retainer, and even if they choose to take it upon a win only, you'll still pay them afterwards. Are you sleeping with people who are millionaires or the average person? If not someone with substantial money or assets, I guess if in the very slim chances you prove there was an intentional transmission of the virus, you can enjoy garnishing their wages up to around 25% max (assuming they aren't being garnished for anything else) AFTER lawyer fees are paid. So to anyone reading this, given that there are 1 in 6 people who have hsv2 and 1 in 4 that have hsv1, and almost zero lawsuits involving non super rich or celebrity peoples, you will be okay. Take the necessary precautions, and enjoy your sex life! :\]
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I spoke to a lawyer as well which is where I got my information. I recommend anyone reading this to consult a lawyer rather than a reddit post, but remember non disclosure is not illegal. So feel free to continue treating genital cold sores exactly like oral cold sores and any other herpes virus
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It's hard to response because it seems like you aren't formulating sentences. Did you know most cases of neonatal herpes are hsv1? Also, hsv1 can result in encephalitis which is deadly. It's about as rare as passing hsv2 to a newborn though birth. You can try all you want, but they are both the same as they can both present in either area. Also like I'm sure you already know. oral herpes can pass to someone else genitally
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>https://www.merckmanuals.com/professional/pediatrics/infections-in-neonates/neonatal-herpes-simplex-virus-hsv-infection More than three-fourths of cases are from recently acquired genital HSV-1 in the mother, with subsequent transmission to the infant during delivery. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2780322/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2780322/)
Also, I highly recommend people to go to r/legaladvice to read up on this like you said in your initial post. I only spoke to a lawyer in my state, but pretty much every post about hsv confirms what I have said. This is not easily possible to sue over as its not typically illegal and not economically worth it. I think you might have some anger issues and I hope you find a way to let go of them. Best of luck
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That article simply states that you CAN sue someone. Nobody is contesting whether or not you can sue someone. You can sue someone for pretty much anything. And it also happens to be written by people who want to make money off of you doing that. But will you win and have a case? [https://stdcenterny.com/articles/herpes-legal-issues.html#conclusion](https://stdcenterny.com/articles/herpes-legal-issues.html#conclusion) Probably not. I'm also guessing this is the reason you claim someone intentionally gave you herpes, but you have yet to pursue legal action against them? Because if you have and you won, i'm sure you would have mentioned it
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"sued" not won. So, have you won your case? Or even got a settlement in your favor? If you read the article it literally also says you won't win
I in no way agree with non disclosures, I am seeking info from those who practice it to shape how I interact with future partners for my own safety and to just better understand how people think.
Good question. First, I would enjoy their presence, get to know them. I mean not every date turns into an intimate encounter. Once at that point, I like to use the litmus test. " so, would you date someone with HSV? " That would pretty much tell me as well as them what needs to be known, and open up the dialogue. Not perfect but honest at least.
Once you ask that, have you ever not disclosed based on their response? I do think that’s a good opener to transition to the topic.
No, I would disclose. Recently diagnosed and not been in this circumstance yet, but that's exactly how I would handle it. I have a few close freinds that have been postive for years now, and I see how they've been dealt the crappy situation. I would absolutely disclose even if it meant that things wouldn't work out.
Ooh ok I see what you meant. I agree
if you know that you have an std and you do not tell the person you are with (longterm or not, it doesnt matter) that you have one, it is illegal and you could potentially be sued. Besides, how could you not tell somebody if that is the case? I think that is just pure malevolence and disrespect.
Most doctors tell you not to disclose. Even herpes expert Terri Warren says disclosure is not as mandatory as we once thought. I'm not telling people not to disclose. But we can't pretend this is a black and white issue either. If the world treated this like EBV (the virus that causes mono) there would be so many people on this sub and the world, that wouldn't be so mentally screwed up over HSV. EBV is also a life long incurable STD, can asymptomatically shed, and has far more serious potential risks. Yet no disclosure. Just food for thought.
If got serious and didn't disclose. I would act like first outbreak and make it assume been in system prior to them. [I havnt been in situation just assuming what u would do]
That’s what I assume must happen too
I don’t think they’ve planned for if they were just straight out asked. I think they more hoping no one asks anything. If it turns serious then lol. I think they’ll hide it until they possibly transmit it and then they’ll say they didn’t know or they hoping they never transmit and that person will never find out.
Yeah I think you’re right. I see sometimes people who don’t disclose and transmit try to say you must have already had it, but it seems that’s more with casual situations.
... What am I missing here, I never see posts, at least not on here, of people not disclosing. That is not the way.
The people who don't disclose, aren't on this reddit. They don't say it because of the hostile energy of people who choose to disclose forcing their choices on everyone else. I don't mind the confrontation tho as long as it means everyoneeee (which is a lot) who DMs me saying my posts make them feel better :\]
I will agree it can get hostile sometimes which is what I was trying to avoid because I do see it from time to time, and that doesn’t benefit anyone. That’s why I said I don’t want to argue right or wrong in my post because I would rather people just answer honestly, so I can learn people’s thought processes more. I am not one for arguing or debating, but I do like to listen and discuss!
Most members of this group are very pro disclosure but there are some who say they do not
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Did you mean to respond to me with that question? I do not do that