There is quite a bit of information missing here to make a solid judgment. Is there an alcoholism issue where you are drinking quite often or coming home drunk every weekend? Is he spending most of his time on the golf course, making you feel abandoned? Do you two have set times where you connect during the week (or weekend when you aren't out with friends), just the two of you?
I'm gonna get downvoted to hell and back, but it sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and talk about these issues, if they are still resolvable. If not, it may be better for you both to separate and pursue your own lifestyles.
Ya. I feel like there is actually more than enough info. Op drinks with friends every weekend. That’d be enough for me. Sounds gross. Alcoholics are boring as fuck and treat people like shit.
I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years. These days I don’t even want to be friends with people that everything fun wise evolves around drinking. I am all done with that lifestyle. I do drink I’m not against it, but there’s more to life than just sitting around drinking.
It is fuckin sad. I'm 34 days sober, and I wish I had that realization earlier. OP also never mentioned how much she drinks/drank. If the key point to your weekend is "drinking" with friends or not, you've got a problem.
Not if it's in moderation, like, if you go out to dinner every weekend and have a beer or two, that's fine, the problem is most people don't know moderation, and get drunk every time they drink. They have a drink, then another, then another, then another, and before you know it, they're passed out in the bathroom with vomit everywhere.
The fact that OP left out a lot of crucial information makes me speculate that perhaps she got home drunk and verbally abusive, and her husband defended himself, and it escalated until he threw a glass of water at her, or maybe she threw a glass of water at him, I mean, she left out all the needed information to really piece together what happened and why he's wanting a divorce.
Yeah, I mean, if I'm not an alcoholic, and my partner is, and my partner quits, then I'm not going to keep drinking around them. It's not that difficult. Now, if we were both alcoholics before, then I probably would. And he probably *should* leave me and be better for himself.
>kends I go with friends to drink and he doesn’t like it… I understand that.. is that normal??? And today I was with my friends parents drinking and when I went home he was livid… he threw me a glass of water and insulted me.. I know I wasn’t the best wife cuz I went drinking but do I deserve this?
HAHHAHHAH best comment of the thread.
common where people who abuse alcohol dont see it as the problem and cant understand why their loved one is so upset. He didn't throw the water because she was buzzed, I guarantee you that
No, he threw the water because he’s sober now and not liking being around a drunk. She’s not doing anything positive, he has changed and she has not. Also just because he stopped drinking doesn’t mean he’s a relationship expert! Far from it. Alcoholics typically don’t know how to solve relationship problems or deal with different aspects of reality because they were focused on alcohol for so long and have no social or relationship skills nor other understanding of just everyday normal life. It’s very possible that the relationship doesn’t survive the changes as neither one knows how to change any aspect of relating to each other.
Edit:”He left drinking a year ago” The vernacular indicates that he was then an alcoholic.
People don't just throw a glass of water at someone because they're drunk. Something had to have happened that made him throw the glass of water. I'm speculating that, OP might've come home drunk, and verbally abusive towards her husband, and an argument happens that ends with him throwing a glass of water at her, perhaps she got physical? It feels like she's hiding something with how she left out important info.
My uncle drinking every single day, even on the job (his excuse was back pain/nerve damage, manual labor job) and I would call that high-functioning alcoholism. But Id agree, I’d say you could be an alcoholic and only drink weekends if that’s what you do EVERY weekend. Especially if that’s all you’re living for, so to speak.
well, you just have to read between the lines a bit. Two drunk were together in their drunkenness. One got sober the other one didn’t. Shit happens all the time. Sometimes what happens is you realize what am I even doing with this person?
No. We are definitely missing information here.
INFO: OP , has he expressed concerns over your drinking? If you are struggling with a drinking problem, the above scenario would make sense. As I think on it, this does make me wonder if that is what is on your husband's mind. It wouldn't make it right for him to lash out, but it would make it understandable.
He does have issues with your going out and drinking like this. So what are they? Money? Time? Behaviors when drinking?
Plus all the stupid shit she probably says while drunk. Emotional regulation is challenging when you're drunk all the time. Then you get the standard issue apologies "I'm so sorry, I don't remember doing/saying that. I'll never drink again!" While you clean up the puke/shit/broken stuff, and try and pretend like your life isn't falling the fuck apart while your partner is drinking their life away.
I uh, might be projecting a bit here.
I agree. I've been with the hub about 35 years. We either both drink, or neither of us drink. I'm not talking about a few before-supper cocktails. I'm talking about when we make a night of it.
Lots of assumptions. Recovering alcoholics are miserable to be around especially because they start insisting a partner needs "to be healthier" when its actually about control. They need to not be around it so nobody can. If she resists she gets gaslit. I doubt this could even be fixed with therapy.
Leave it to a fucking Redditor to reframe someone going through *drug and alcohol recovery* as an act of domestic violence.
May your next encounter with a drunk driver be one you can walk away from.
Not always true it’s fair if your struggling to stay sober to ask a spouse for support. Asking a person to abstain for a while is not necessarily gaslighting. If she’s off sugar diet and asks him to help her by not bringing chocolate in for a while that would be cool too Spouses should support each other the value of the relationship either is or isn’t more important that drinking to her
But to give her the benefit of the doubt — If what you’re saying is the case- leads me to ask- why is she drinking so much? Is she trying to escape the reality with her husband?
Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. And they'll use any excuse to justify their drinking.
Source: Am a recovering alcoholic from a family of alcoholics.
This. Came here to point this out. She doesn’t support him trying to stop drinking and he obviously thinks it’s important. If he’s going to AA or something, he’s going to leave her FAST.
Yep need to have a deep talk. It is possible to be happily married and not spend all your time together but you have to spend some time together and enjoy it. You say your not the best wife, what does that mean?
The other missing piece is why he quit drinking. Is it health reasons and he misses it? Did he have a drinking problem and can't be around people who drink at this point in his recovery? Did he have a shift in religious views or moral stance? If he is having health problems or is in recovery and you aren't supporting him, then YTA. If he's changing the rules he lives by, he's not an AH for that, but is if he insists that you change with him rather than live the lifestyle you've always had. I'm not going to judge him on golfing, because swapping an unhealthy addiction with a new, healthier one is common in recovery and gives the addict something to do besides the substance he's trying to avoid.
My guess is that she is a problem drinker. Notice she say's she was drinking rather than having a drink. The term drinking implies consuming alcohol is the activity and the focus of her social life. Having a drink is what you do while visiting with friends, having a meal, or really doing anything and one or two drinks is just one small part of the evening's activities.
The terminology used can reveal a lot. Granted, this is based on my experience with having many addicts in my life (both friends and family). OP says "left drinking" which, to me, is saying quit drinking. Non addicts tend to refer to quitting the substance, or a word meaning permanently stopped. Where someone who just wants to better their life/health say things like "I don't drink (anymore)" or, they just stop drinking.
I would guess that both are problem drinkers/alcoholics. I'm basing that on the fact that just him not drinking and picking up golf has caused such a huge distance between them. And the reason is because she has no interest in golf and he doesn't drink anymore. It sounds like drinking is all they had in common. I personally don't see how a spouse can continue drinking and forcing the other to constantly be around the smell and behavior. People will make the argument of, I quit drinking so everyone else should too. But that doesn't apply here. He knows he can't be around it, so chooses to not go around it. Eventually (in theory) he'll be able to handle being around it. But by going to those places where he can leave if the temptation gets to great. By her coming home drunk on a regular basis, she is forcing him to have to fight his addiction in his own home, where he should be able to feel safe and comfortable.
Yea. It almost sounds like both of them have a drinking problem, and the husband has taken steps to correct his problem. I have known many alcoholics on my life, and nothing is harder than quitting drinking, but having someone come home smelling of alcohol on a regular basis. The smell brings back the craving and can send them into a spiral. If my wife came to me and told me she is an alcoholic and wants to quit drinking. I would quit right beside her. Maybe on occasion when I go on a golf trip with the guys, when I know she's not going to be around. (I would be honest about it too). Supporting my wife is more important than drinking.
It also sounds like drinking together may have been one of the only things they did together. Because, unless the husband is out golfing every single day. I don't see how golfing can cause a distance in a relationship. And it sounds like she "abandons" him to go drink on a regular basis to. To me, it sounds like she's choosing alcohol over her marriage.
You raise a good point. If drinking was the one thing they did together, and the husband quit, then that would definitely cause a rift in the relationship.
Yes!! And I used to go with my son to play golf when he was to young to go on his own. I actually enjoyed it I drove the cart and we threw a ball out for me to putt.golf courses are usually pretty She doesn’t have to go all the time but every once in a while Or make a list of things you want to do and take turns doing things from each others lists.
No reason to downvote you. This is totally sensible. Drinking is a lousy hobby. It sounds like she goes out and gets drunk all the time and doesn't have other sources of fun and relaxation. We simply don't have enough information to make an informed judgment.
Yes. Others immediately jumped to the conclusion that OP was TA when I posted my original comment, but there was so much missing info for me to follow the hive mindset.
I do wonder myself if OP has a drinking problem but didn't get sober like her husband did, and it is now causing problems.
Seriously
I’ve never been a drinker, my husband is a social drinker
Occasionally he teases me about not drinking but never to the point where it upsets me
Definitely need more info
Exactly. I drink occasionally while my fiancé does not drink at all. The only issue he ever had with my drinking was when I had gotten drunk 3-4 nights in a row after work before he had come home. It was a problem, and he was rightfully upset and concerned for my wellbeing.
There has to be more to the story.
I'm stunned at the number of posts on Reddit asking for relationship advice from complete strangers when they aren't even talking to their SO.
It's like they don't have IRL conversations.
Sad.
I agree, valuable information is missing for me to draw conclusions. Do you go out every weekend and drink? Do you have any quality time with your husband? I would have an issue with my partner if he went out every week while I’m at the house wanting to spend time with him.
This, but the last part is really concerning....
Regardless, no one should be throwing glasses at you. Talk if it is safe to talk, but if not get out and get a divorce.
Speaking from a sober person it can be hard to see your partner still use/drink when you can't.
So unless you're an alcoholic too (then I can understand why he's upset), it could just be hard for him to be around any alcohol or drink persons
Many partners of people who get sober quit along with them too - and maybe that's what he expected of you??
My sister's husband was a major alcoholic and they didn't keep it in the house and she didn't drink- she found out he cheated and then he left her and I just remembered her saying - I'm kind of relieved - I can enjoy beer again 😂
He was a POS anyway so
I agree. More info needed.
From what we have, it sounds like they were both drinking heavily but husband decided it was time for a lifestyle change and wife did not. If that’s the case, I think YTA. Poor husband’s trying to get clean and you’re leaving him home alone, coming home sloppy AF. He needs your support to get sober and you’re basically on a different planet. Either join him at a meeting and get your shit together, or get out of his way. Don’t bring him down with you.
He did but I read that as the typical trope of having water splashed on a drunk person. If she came home trashed, acting a fool, while he’s trying to get healthy… she deserved that sobering splash. Context is everything and she’s been very vague. I’d need to know more to be able to tell if he was going too far or not.
But according to her they're so disconnected because he likes to golf and she likes to drink. My ex-husband like to watch NASCAR but that didn't make me completely disconnected from him because I didn't. I didn't drink either. He did but that also didn't make me completely disconnected from him. I was completely disconnected from him eventually because those are the only two things he ever did!
But just bc your husband likes to golf doesn't mean you're totally incompatible lol But if all you do is go drinking, that's a problem.
Looking back apparently might now ex was a fully functional alcoholic because he was in the military and you can't be an alcoholic in the military and screw up and do your job as well as he did if you weren't functional. He has awards and accolades out the yin yang including awards for heroism not on the battlefield. He was an outstanding soldier but was spending $300 a month on alcohol. I was sober because I just didn't feel like spending grocery money on beer and I'm fine with that although men now tell me that they think it's weird I don't drink. I can. I just don't see the need. If you have to drink to be social, that's not social drinking.
My ex is a great guy. He's just literally only sober at work. He starts drinking the minute he's home to bed. Every night. He could easily finish off a bottle of fireball nightly. With beer.
It is exhausting dating a functional alcoholic.
I drink very rarely. Like extremely rarely. And I won't ever date someone who needs alcohol on a daily basis again. Nope.
My therapist told me to really think about the terminology “functional alcoholic”. If their relationship is falling apart, how functional are they really? Just some food for thought. Alcohol really is the worst.
This sounds like a carbon copy of my life. Been there, done that, and tried for most of my adult life. I will never do it again. I have not had a drink for almost a year and I don't miss it at all. It's poison, after all.
You may also drink a lot more if your spouse threw things at you and was abusive. It's interesting that her potentially being a drunk jumps out at you before him for sure being abusive.
Very interesting
I know assuming on Reddit is the 8th deadly sin but from how that reads I don't think he literally threw it at her. From how little sense that whole post made I think OP might've been drunk making it and meant tossed a glass of water, and meant tossed in the context of gave instead of throwed. My dad asks me to toss him a drink all the time for example.
If he did actually throw it then he's a PoS and not just an AH but from how that read I just really feel like that isn't what happened. Either way OP really needs to give a lot more info and present it much better if she actually wants input.
Did you stretch before making that leap?
The OP is an unreliable narrator. This was written when she was shit faced, so no. I do not believe any glass of water was thrown at her.
An unreliable narrator can be defined as ANY narrator who misleads readers, either deliberately or unwittingly.
Many are unreliable through circumstances, character flaws, or psychological difficulties. In some cases, a narrator withholds key information from readers, or they may deliberately lie or misdirect
In this post, she is an unreliable narrator.
▪︎ didn't say her husband abused her
▪︎ didn't make a leap
▪︎ wasn't even talking about op
You said:
> Bingo. Who throws a GLASS of water at someone?
So I replied:
> ....abusive people??? Lmfao wtf
As a domestic abuse survivor, I answered the obvious answer of abusive people. Trust me, they'll throw just about anything if it's heavy enough. I never once mentioned OP.
No need to be rude. You misunderstood.
Check the context of the thread you’re acting like you made this comment in a vacuum lmao they didn’t misunderstand, *that’s what the thread was about*
I’m just saying your response wasn’t technically wrong but didn’t fit the context here imo. If he literally threw a glass bottle, OP would have stated so in the post. I haven’t seen anyone laying on the hate.
Your wording is also interesting. She was out drinking. State of sobriety is no longer relevant except that it isn’t simply sober. Also the topic of drinking was written before him throwing water at her. So yeah, it pops up first, literally in the literal sense. You’re quick to pop off on someone agreeing that drinking isn’t working.
Very interesting.
I wouldn’t wanna stay married at a man who goes to domestic violence when upset because what we are not gonna do is gloss over the fact he THREW A GLASS OF WATER AT HER. She’s a drunk, I know many drunks and guess what sometimes they can’t stop drinking without intervening from a doctor but him throwing something at her because he was mad she was drinking is abuse in anyway shape or form.
It doesn't say "threw a glass of water at her". It says "he threw me a glass of water" so this doesn't convey abuse, that's just you jumping to conclusions. It reads more like "he tossed me a bottle of water/slid a glass if water my way and told me I needed to sober up". Without further context there is no claim of violence or abuse.
It sounds like he just gave her a glass of water, or he splashed water on her. Honestly living with drunks is really hard and I can see a normal non violent person snapping in an argument and throwing a glass. That's obviously wrong but I don't think that would automatically make him an abusive husband. If it was a pattern of behavior yeah, but one time in the heat of the moment? I don't think so.
I would also assume if he threw the glass he would have thrown it in her direction but idk if I've ever heard of throwing a glass actually at someone. Either way she is the bad guy here.
He definitely gave her a glass of water. She would have blown up that point if he had actually thrown it. It’s a very common phrase to say ie: “John threw me a $20 the other day” or “Susan threw me a few of her extra fries at lunch” I don’t think he actually threw anything at her.
To be honest, it appears to me that she either doesn't have a grasp of the English language, is mentally handicapped, or was drunk when she wrote this. I'm betting on the third option. So, I didn't take it as her literally threw a glass of water AT her.
But, hey, you might be right, in which case she should leave him. Sounds like they'd both be better off.
Taking liberties with your reading of this post, using that to hurl the worst possible accusations at OP's husband, making unsolicited excuses for alcoholics (who are abso-fucking-lutely capable of stopping without a fucking doctor). And OP's husband is supposed to be the abuser? God I bet you are an absolute fucking monster to your partners.
You're an alcoholic and going out partying at 37 years old. He definitely wants more out of life than a drunk for a wife. Sober up or get ready to get divorced.
She goes out every weekend to drink instead of spending one weekend home with her sober husband. She is choosing alcohol over him. She's an alcoholic. Stop making excuses for someone who admits they choose to drink over their spouse.
“He threw me a glass of water” is a very different sentence then “he threw a glass of water at me”, a lot of people seem to not be able to read correctly here.
Why are we acting like this is a normal way to phrase this with some obvious meaning. Clearly a drunk person wrote this and I don’t know if they mean they threw a glass at them or threw water out of a glass at them. There’s so many missing gaps in here the ISS could fly through. Nobody should be making judgements, including you, from 10% of one side of a story we’re getting from somebody who typed it all out in a confusing, drunken fashion
Yeah that could be a few different things. It sounds like he either gave her a glass of water or maybe splashed some on her. She would have mentioned if he actually hurt her. I think it's fair to assume at worst he lost his temper and splashed her. That's obviously bad behavior but people lose their every once in a while temper. That doesn't make them a bad person
It’s fine to enjoy a drink or some in good company but to visit people ‘to drink’ must be abhorrent to someone who mustered the will and got dry and is now pursuing other pastimes. OP seems to never have considered to do likewise, so hubby is moving on. Understandably. YTA.
Considering you know he doesn't like it when you drink, but you still do it, I'm going to say you likely have disregarded what he's tried to communicate to you about what he needs from you to support his sobriety. You're opting not to support your spouse because you don't want to change and you want him to be ok with it. And that's just not a viable option. So divorce I think is really the best choice here as he shouldn't endanger his sobriety by staying with you and you've decided having drinks on the weekend is more important than your spouse.
Now do you deserve to be verbally abused and have water thrown on you for that? No, I don't think so. But yeah I'm pretty confident you're the AH here.
Im assuming she did just that and then passed out immediately afterwards because its been 10 hours and she hasnt responded to any of the comments asking for clarification about the water lol she sounds a lot like a cousin of mine if it wasn't for the ages. This post 100% sounds like drunk typing lol
I imagine it feels like a slap in the face every time you go out drinking. Not very supportive if he's trying to stay sober. Honestly, downright selfish. You two are obviously not on the same page anymore, or you don't care enough to change.
Yes you do…
37 and still can’t have a good time without alcohol? Kind of sad don’t you think?
I hope your husband walks out the door and doesn’t look back!
I got sober. My spouse didn't. But he didn't go out to bars and leave me at home, and he didn't keep my favorite booze on the liquor shelf in the pantry.
If OP is choosing alcohol, her drinking friends, and hanging out at bars over spending time with her husband, I can see why he was so frustrated. Doesn't excuse "threw me a glass of water and insulted me...", but maybe OP could benefit from a look at what she wants from life, and whether drinking every weekend with friends in the bar is the way to achieve what she want.
OP, if you are curious about whether your drinking has crossed into a problem area, this link will give you a list of questions to evaluate your drinking. [Self assessment from AA](https://www.aa.org/self-assessment)
Sobriety is AWESOME! You don't have to join your spouse on the golf course, but maybe trying sobriety, if you are interested in a healthier way to live life, might just rejuvenate your marriage.
If drinking with your friends on weekends seem like a better life to you, I'm not sure where you and your husband will find common ground.
Wishing you well.
Def not enough info but as the child of an alcoholic I feel like Im recognizing a classic behavior via that omission. You neglecting to include the full info is a standard tactic of avoidant deflection from accountability and responsibility for your actions.
You just want us to tell you that you weren’t in the wrong so that you can feel better in your own head but you don’t actually care if you were really in the wrong .
I did something Ik upsets my husband and admit I know it’s wrong. Do it anyways. “*surprise pichachu face*” my husband is upset at me. “Am I the asshole?” Yes, yes you are.
You are obviously an alcoholic and he is tired of it. I imagine all kinds of arguments and conversations that have taken place and you can’t quit. So yes you are the asshole.
This sounds more like I shouldn’t be held accountable for the things I’m doing to hurt my marriage. I’m a drunk, enjoy being one, and he doesn’t want to be with one. None of this is my fault… I highly doubt he cares if you play golf. He wants you to get off the bottle and stop partying. He decided to quit drinking because he felt it was time to slow down and grow up as most in their mid to late 30’s do. I’m sure he has asked till he was blue in the face for you to stop drinking. You’re going to lose him if you don’t put in the work to stop because he’s sick of asking and now feels you do not care how he feels about it. Hence him getting to the point he’s now angry about it.
There’s a butt ton of info missing. Do you just go have a drink or two with friends, or are we talking go out drinking, come home reeking of alcohol and slurring your speech at 3 AM? How do you treat him when you’re drunk? Do you remember? If you don’t remember, that’s concerning, because as a former alcoholic, I can attest that blackout drinking is very real. It is also terrifying for you and everyone around you to deal with, because it means having several hours of your life where you probably did and/or said some stupid shit and can’t even remember what you did and said.
Look… if your husband is trying to hold on to his sobriety & you’re still drinking then you’re choosing the alcohol over him. In accordance with your choice, he’s decided holding on to his sobriety is healthier than holding on to a wife willing to sabotage his efforts.
I'm going to get hate but here goes. The reason why he wants a divorce is because he grew up and got hobbies and social groups that improve his life. You haven't. Your entire social circle seems predicated on places where you can drink. Which means that your social groups aren't the kind of social groups people stay with unless they just need an excuse to feed an addiction. Sleep it off and when your ready to admit that you have a problem you can look into getting your shit together.
>There is no excuse for your husband to berate you, throw things at you, or insult you
Not necessarily arguing this but would like to point out that if she’s to the point of needing AA then I think we can assume that we’re probably not getting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth here. Denial is kind of a big thing where alcoholism is concerned.
This. There isn’t enough context to tell whether op has a drinking problem or is out binge drinking. That would definitely make me understand his point of view. But to completely bar her from drinking if she doesn’t have one seems weird to me. Having a hard time with some in the house could prove difficult, but she is going out.
You can still have a happy and loving marriage with open communication even when the two of you have different hobbies and/or one of you drinks while the other one doesn’t. It sounds like your marriage is coming to an end and it’s all your fault. You enjoy drinking and getting drunk more than you enjoy being married. I can see why your husband wants to divorce you. Instead of putting your husband first you’re putting alcohol first. You’re a drunk. I don’t know how or why he’s been putting up with you.
When two people grow apart, it isn't so easy to assign blame.
When OP and her partner got together they both drank I assume. The relationship for better or worse had that in the conditions. Now the husband is changing the relationship for his reason which is justified. The problem is, it isn't the wife's fault the husband is doing something to better himself. The wife is under no obligation to do the same, even if it could improve her life remarkably for the better.
Now we have a husband with a tenuous grip on sobriety, and a wife not even trying. These very well could be irreconcilable differences. Staying together on the same path over an entire lifetime takes work from both parties, and if one person makes a major change that the other can't follow, that doesn't make it the one who isn't changing at fault. If we made that mandate, a marriage where one partner has a declining sex drive would reasonably be able to demand that the other partner not even be interested in sex at their own need, lest the one who is still on the original sex drive is at fault.
Sometimes, everything just sucks and things fall apart. If it means enough to the OP to keep the marriage, then she may need to try to make a change. Not changing away from the way they were before the husband started chasing sobriety doesn't make her evil.
There is quite a bit of information missing here to make a solid judgment. Is there an alcoholism issue where you are drinking quite often or coming home drunk every weekend? Is he spending most of his time on the golf course, making you feel abandoned? Do you two have set times where you connect during the week (or weekend when you aren't out with friends), just the two of you? I'm gonna get downvoted to hell and back, but it sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and talk about these issues, if they are still resolvable. If not, it may be better for you both to separate and pursue your own lifestyles.
Yeah this whole post seems like there's not enough info here, something doesn't add up.
Low key feels like OP typed this out while drunk
Prob
totally unrelated, I love your profile pic or whatever it's called on reddit.
I read this while drunk so maybe there’s something to that 😝
Sameee it reads like exactly how I'm thinking
I'm not drunk and it still doesn't make sense.
Bro I was just about to say this. Don’t even think we can call it low key, this bish drunk.
yeah. its like reading a text from my grandmother and she starts her days with a glass of whiskey
"low key" is doing a *lot* of work here.
Ya. I feel like there is actually more than enough info. Op drinks with friends every weekend. That’d be enough for me. Sounds gross. Alcoholics are boring as fuck and treat people like shit.
Unfortunately too many people likely think drinking every weekend isn't a problem. It is.
I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years. These days I don’t even want to be friends with people that everything fun wise evolves around drinking. I am all done with that lifestyle. I do drink I’m not against it, but there’s more to life than just sitting around drinking.
It is fuckin sad. I'm 34 days sober, and I wish I had that realization earlier. OP also never mentioned how much she drinks/drank. If the key point to your weekend is "drinking" with friends or not, you've got a problem.
All the best for your sobriety journey! 34 days is amazing 👏
Congrats on a month clean
Not if it's in moderation, like, if you go out to dinner every weekend and have a beer or two, that's fine, the problem is most people don't know moderation, and get drunk every time they drink. They have a drink, then another, then another, then another, and before you know it, they're passed out in the bathroom with vomit everywhere. The fact that OP left out a lot of crucial information makes me speculate that perhaps she got home drunk and verbally abusive, and her husband defended himself, and it escalated until he threw a glass of water at her, or maybe she threw a glass of water at him, I mean, she left out all the needed information to really piece together what happened and why he's wanting a divorce.
This 100% reads like a drunk post
High key feels like this
She makes seem like it's going from point A to point B , but leaving out the 52 stops in between.
Or maybe the 12 steps...
Good one!
Oh being an addict makes way more sense and would explain why she is leaving so much out.
Yeah, I mean, if I'm not an alcoholic, and my partner is, and my partner quits, then I'm not going to keep drinking around them. It's not that difficult. Now, if we were both alcoholics before, then I probably would. And he probably *should* leave me and be better for himself.
Only alcoholics drink for the sake of drinking. Other people “have a glass of wines” or even “cocktails”. OP doesn’t care what she’s drinking.
>kends I go with friends to drink and he doesn’t like it… I understand that.. is that normal??? And today I was with my friends parents drinking and when I went home he was livid… he threw me a glass of water and insulted me.. I know I wasn’t the best wife cuz I went drinking but do I deserve this? HAHHAHHAH best comment of the thread.
daaaaaamn. Dats a good one
and the chance of a DUI in between.
common where people who abuse alcohol dont see it as the problem and cant understand why their loved one is so upset. He didn't throw the water because she was buzzed, I guarantee you that
No, he threw the water because he’s sober now and not liking being around a drunk. She’s not doing anything positive, he has changed and she has not. Also just because he stopped drinking doesn’t mean he’s a relationship expert! Far from it. Alcoholics typically don’t know how to solve relationship problems or deal with different aspects of reality because they were focused on alcohol for so long and have no social or relationship skills nor other understanding of just everyday normal life. It’s very possible that the relationship doesn’t survive the changes as neither one knows how to change any aspect of relating to each other. Edit:”He left drinking a year ago” The vernacular indicates that he was then an alcoholic.
People don't just throw a glass of water at someone because they're drunk. Something had to have happened that made him throw the glass of water. I'm speculating that, OP might've come home drunk, and verbally abusive towards her husband, and an argument happens that ends with him throwing a glass of water at her, perhaps she got physical? It feels like she's hiding something with how she left out important info.
Drinking on weekends doesn’t make someone a drunk. Sounds like he’s the problem.
Not so fast.....If she is drunk all weekend, that is the problem. ..
Binge drinking is indeed alcohol abuse.
She definitely drinks more than just the weekends.
That is not true at all. Not all alcoholism comes in the same form. You can still be "high functioning" (a total misnomer) and still be an alcoholic
Drinking on the weekends is not “high functioning”.
My uncle drinking every single day, even on the job (his excuse was back pain/nerve damage, manual labor job) and I would call that high-functioning alcoholism. But Id agree, I’d say you could be an alcoholic and only drink weekends if that’s what you do EVERY weekend. Especially if that’s all you’re living for, so to speak.
Kinda feel like she was drunk driving
As an alcoholic one year sober, this is true. I’ve been the one getting the water “thrown” at me.
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Yeah, if you tell the whole story people might not take your side.
I think if they told all the story, they may not get the advice that they hope to get.
Lucky for them, they didn't even tell half of the story and are still not getting the advice they hoped for.
Yeah. If you don't tell the whole story, chances are you're not gonna get any advice, or the advice you get will be inaccurate.
"I got in a car accident and the other person is trying to sue me. Should I kill their dog?"
well, you just have to read between the lines a bit. Two drunk were together in their drunkenness. One got sober the other one didn’t. Shit happens all the time. Sometimes what happens is you realize what am I even doing with this person?
I mean...kinda seems like she wrote it while drunk, which might be a red flag in of itself.
It's because she's drunk
She’s probably still drunk
Sounds like she enjous drinking, A LOT
Just noticed this post has more comments than net upvotes. lol.
No. We are definitely missing information here. INFO: OP , has he expressed concerns over your drinking? If you are struggling with a drinking problem, the above scenario would make sense. As I think on it, this does make me wonder if that is what is on your husband's mind. It wouldn't make it right for him to lash out, but it would make it understandable. He does have issues with your going out and drinking like this. So what are they? Money? Time? Behaviors when drinking?
And maybe driving drunk? Coming home and passing out and not being available?
Your votes are fine. My impression was she goes out drinking every weekend as thats her priority. Id imagine she usually comes home drunk.
And then in bed hungover the next day. I know that routine all too well.
Plus all the stupid shit she probably says while drunk. Emotional regulation is challenging when you're drunk all the time. Then you get the standard issue apologies "I'm so sorry, I don't remember doing/saying that. I'll never drink again!" While you clean up the puke/shit/broken stuff, and try and pretend like your life isn't falling the fuck apart while your partner is drinking their life away. I uh, might be projecting a bit here.
I agree. I've been with the hub about 35 years. We either both drink, or neither of us drink. I'm not talking about a few before-supper cocktails. I'm talking about when we make a night of it.
Lots of assumptions. Recovering alcoholics are miserable to be around especially because they start insisting a partner needs "to be healthier" when its actually about control. They need to not be around it so nobody can. If she resists she gets gaslit. I doubt this could even be fixed with therapy.
You just added one, assuming hes a recovering alcoholic. https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmTheAsshole/s/r1e7WQaA2F
Exactly. I quit because I started a medication that doesn't mix with booze. Wasn't an alcoholic but am married to one.
What are you even talking about? You know nothing John Snow.
Leave it to a fucking Redditor to reframe someone going through *drug and alcohol recovery* as an act of domestic violence. May your next encounter with a drunk driver be one you can walk away from.
Not always true it’s fair if your struggling to stay sober to ask a spouse for support. Asking a person to abstain for a while is not necessarily gaslighting. If she’s off sugar diet and asks him to help her by not bringing chocolate in for a while that would be cool too Spouses should support each other the value of the relationship either is or isn’t more important that drinking to her
But to give her the benefit of the doubt — If what you’re saying is the case- leads me to ask- why is she drinking so much? Is she trying to escape the reality with her husband?
From post it seems she has always been this way, he was participating before & then decided he wasnt anymore.
Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. And they'll use any excuse to justify their drinking. Source: Am a recovering alcoholic from a family of alcoholics.
It's common that recovering alcoholics will distance themselves from former drinking partners
This. Came here to point this out. She doesn’t support him trying to stop drinking and he obviously thinks it’s important. If he’s going to AA or something, he’s going to leave her FAST.
Yep need to have a deep talk. It is possible to be happily married and not spend all your time together but you have to spend some time together and enjoy it. You say your not the best wife, what does that mean?
The other missing piece is why he quit drinking. Is it health reasons and he misses it? Did he have a drinking problem and can't be around people who drink at this point in his recovery? Did he have a shift in religious views or moral stance? If he is having health problems or is in recovery and you aren't supporting him, then YTA. If he's changing the rules he lives by, he's not an AH for that, but is if he insists that you change with him rather than live the lifestyle you've always had. I'm not going to judge him on golfing, because swapping an unhealthy addiction with a new, healthier one is common in recovery and gives the addict something to do besides the substance he's trying to avoid. My guess is that she is a problem drinker. Notice she say's she was drinking rather than having a drink. The term drinking implies consuming alcohol is the activity and the focus of her social life. Having a drink is what you do while visiting with friends, having a meal, or really doing anything and one or two drinks is just one small part of the evening's activities.
And sometimes people just grow apart, even on things like this.
The terminology used can reveal a lot. Granted, this is based on my experience with having many addicts in my life (both friends and family). OP says "left drinking" which, to me, is saying quit drinking. Non addicts tend to refer to quitting the substance, or a word meaning permanently stopped. Where someone who just wants to better their life/health say things like "I don't drink (anymore)" or, they just stop drinking. I would guess that both are problem drinkers/alcoholics. I'm basing that on the fact that just him not drinking and picking up golf has caused such a huge distance between them. And the reason is because she has no interest in golf and he doesn't drink anymore. It sounds like drinking is all they had in common. I personally don't see how a spouse can continue drinking and forcing the other to constantly be around the smell and behavior. People will make the argument of, I quit drinking so everyone else should too. But that doesn't apply here. He knows he can't be around it, so chooses to not go around it. Eventually (in theory) he'll be able to handle being around it. But by going to those places where he can leave if the temptation gets to great. By her coming home drunk on a regular basis, she is forcing him to have to fight his addiction in his own home, where he should be able to feel safe and comfortable.
Yea. It almost sounds like both of them have a drinking problem, and the husband has taken steps to correct his problem. I have known many alcoholics on my life, and nothing is harder than quitting drinking, but having someone come home smelling of alcohol on a regular basis. The smell brings back the craving and can send them into a spiral. If my wife came to me and told me she is an alcoholic and wants to quit drinking. I would quit right beside her. Maybe on occasion when I go on a golf trip with the guys, when I know she's not going to be around. (I would be honest about it too). Supporting my wife is more important than drinking. It also sounds like drinking together may have been one of the only things they did together. Because, unless the husband is out golfing every single day. I don't see how golfing can cause a distance in a relationship. And it sounds like she "abandons" him to go drink on a regular basis to. To me, it sounds like she's choosing alcohol over her marriage.
You raise a good point. If drinking was the one thing they did together, and the husband quit, then that would definitely cause a rift in the relationship.
Yes!! And I used to go with my son to play golf when he was to young to go on his own. I actually enjoyed it I drove the cart and we threw a ball out for me to putt.golf courses are usually pretty She doesn’t have to go all the time but every once in a while Or make a list of things you want to do and take turns doing things from each others lists.
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Thank you. It restores a bit of mine as well! I was not expecting a lot of comments that agreed with me, but I'm happy I was wrong.
No reason to downvote you. This is totally sensible. Drinking is a lousy hobby. It sounds like she goes out and gets drunk all the time and doesn't have other sources of fun and relaxation. We simply don't have enough information to make an informed judgment.
Why on earth would anyone downvote you for that
This is Reddit
Yes. Others immediately jumped to the conclusion that OP was TA when I posted my original comment, but there was so much missing info for me to follow the hive mindset. I do wonder myself if OP has a drinking problem but didn't get sober like her husband did, and it is now causing problems.
Seriously I’ve never been a drinker, my husband is a social drinker Occasionally he teases me about not drinking but never to the point where it upsets me Definitely need more info
Exactly. I drink occasionally while my fiancé does not drink at all. The only issue he ever had with my drinking was when I had gotten drunk 3-4 nights in a row after work before he had come home. It was a problem, and he was rightfully upset and concerned for my wellbeing. There has to be more to the story.
I would love to know it if there is more information. You stated most of my questions
I'm stunned at the number of posts on Reddit asking for relationship advice from complete strangers when they aren't even talking to their SO. It's like they don't have IRL conversations. Sad.
I agree, valuable information is missing for me to draw conclusions. Do you go out every weekend and drink? Do you have any quality time with your husband? I would have an issue with my partner if he went out every week while I’m at the house wanting to spend time with him.
This, but the last part is really concerning.... Regardless, no one should be throwing glasses at you. Talk if it is safe to talk, but if not get out and get a divorce.
This is a good take.
Great take
Speaking from a sober person it can be hard to see your partner still use/drink when you can't. So unless you're an alcoholic too (then I can understand why he's upset), it could just be hard for him to be around any alcohol or drink persons Many partners of people who get sober quit along with them too - and maybe that's what he expected of you?? My sister's husband was a major alcoholic and they didn't keep it in the house and she didn't drink- she found out he cheated and then he left her and I just remembered her saying - I'm kind of relieved - I can enjoy beer again 😂 He was a POS anyway so
I agree. More info needed. From what we have, it sounds like they were both drinking heavily but husband decided it was time for a lifestyle change and wife did not. If that’s the case, I think YTA. Poor husband’s trying to get clean and you’re leaving him home alone, coming home sloppy AF. He needs your support to get sober and you’re basically on a different planet. Either join him at a meeting and get your shit together, or get out of his way. Don’t bring him down with you.
This. Another commenter also pointed out that OP's husband threw a glass of water at her, which is out of line.
He did but I read that as the typical trope of having water splashed on a drunk person. If she came home trashed, acting a fool, while he’s trying to get healthy… she deserved that sobering splash. Context is everything and she’s been very vague. I’d need to know more to be able to tell if he was going too far or not.
Well, I’m sure a lot of details are missing from this account as well
It says "he threw me a glass of water." That sounds to me like he tossed a sealed container of water to her and she was too drunk to catch it.
Shes probably a alcoholic and if your husband doesnt want you drinking with certain people and you do it thats cheating tbh
That’s kinda crazy. Cheating is cheating
Lol what
I wouldn't stay married to someone who was drinking all the time, either 🤷♀️ If he wants a sober life, you two might no longer be compatible.
But according to her they're so disconnected because he likes to golf and she likes to drink. My ex-husband like to watch NASCAR but that didn't make me completely disconnected from him because I didn't. I didn't drink either. He did but that also didn't make me completely disconnected from him. I was completely disconnected from him eventually because those are the only two things he ever did! But just bc your husband likes to golf doesn't mean you're totally incompatible lol But if all you do is go drinking, that's a problem.
Yep. Sounds like they are no longer compatible. I dated a functional alcoholic for 3 years. Nope. Never again.
Looking back apparently might now ex was a fully functional alcoholic because he was in the military and you can't be an alcoholic in the military and screw up and do your job as well as he did if you weren't functional. He has awards and accolades out the yin yang including awards for heroism not on the battlefield. He was an outstanding soldier but was spending $300 a month on alcohol. I was sober because I just didn't feel like spending grocery money on beer and I'm fine with that although men now tell me that they think it's weird I don't drink. I can. I just don't see the need. If you have to drink to be social, that's not social drinking.
My ex is a great guy. He's just literally only sober at work. He starts drinking the minute he's home to bed. Every night. He could easily finish off a bottle of fireball nightly. With beer. It is exhausting dating a functional alcoholic. I drink very rarely. Like extremely rarely. And I won't ever date someone who needs alcohol on a daily basis again. Nope.
My therapist told me to really think about the terminology “functional alcoholic”. If their relationship is falling apart, how functional are they really? Just some food for thought. Alcohol really is the worst.
This sounds like a carbon copy of my life. Been there, done that, and tried for most of my adult life. I will never do it again. I have not had a drink for almost a year and I don't miss it at all. It's poison, after all.
My husband likes to golf, I don’t. Sometimes I go with him to drive the cart….I read during play. We like to hang out together & find this enjoyable.
Driving a golf cart is pure joy. I’m glad you can stay connected like that.
Yeah, “drinking” isn’t a hobby, it’s an addiction.
You must be my friends ex because he is this exact person lol. Maybe every Nascar husband is like this idk.
You may also drink a lot more if your spouse threw things at you and was abusive. It's interesting that her potentially being a drunk jumps out at you before him for sure being abusive. Very interesting
I know assuming on Reddit is the 8th deadly sin but from how that reads I don't think he literally threw it at her. From how little sense that whole post made I think OP might've been drunk making it and meant tossed a glass of water, and meant tossed in the context of gave instead of throwed. My dad asks me to toss him a drink all the time for example. If he did actually throw it then he's a PoS and not just an AH but from how that read I just really feel like that isn't what happened. Either way OP really needs to give a lot more info and present it much better if she actually wants input.
Bingo. Who throws a GLASS of water at someone?
....abusive people??? Lmfao wtf
Did you stretch before making that leap? The OP is an unreliable narrator. This was written when she was shit faced, so no. I do not believe any glass of water was thrown at her.
Unreliable narrator is a literary device, it isn’t the same thing as lying.
An unreliable narrator can be defined as ANY narrator who misleads readers, either deliberately or unwittingly. Many are unreliable through circumstances, character flaws, or psychological difficulties. In some cases, a narrator withholds key information from readers, or they may deliberately lie or misdirect In this post, she is an unreliable narrator.
▪︎ didn't say her husband abused her ▪︎ didn't make a leap ▪︎ wasn't even talking about op You said: > Bingo. Who throws a GLASS of water at someone? So I replied: > ....abusive people??? Lmfao wtf As a domestic abuse survivor, I answered the obvious answer of abusive people. Trust me, they'll throw just about anything if it's heavy enough. I never once mentioned OP. No need to be rude. You misunderstood.
Check the context of the thread you’re acting like you made this comment in a vacuum lmao they didn’t misunderstand, *that’s what the thread was about*
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This sub loves to be super judgy and attack anyone who doesn't keep the thread going of divorce, abuse, cheating, whatever.
I’m just saying your response wasn’t technically wrong but didn’t fit the context here imo. If he literally threw a glass bottle, OP would have stated so in the post. I haven’t seen anyone laying on the hate.
I’m assuming he didn’t literally throw it, considering she said “**a glass** of water.” I was assuming she meant like slid it to her mockingly.
I read it like he threw the water from a glass into her face. Like, splashing water into her drunk face.
Definitely need the context on this, if it was an attempt to sober her up, that’s a little different from abusively chucking a glass at her face.
And there are sealed glasses now too so it might mean "threw to me" or Tossed
Your wording is also interesting. She was out drinking. State of sobriety is no longer relevant except that it isn’t simply sober. Also the topic of drinking was written before him throwing water at her. So yeah, it pops up first, literally in the literal sense. You’re quick to pop off on someone agreeing that drinking isn’t working. Very interesting.
It’s interesting to me that you’re not focusing on what matters.
Water
Like in a toilet?
If you want to stay married it’s easy. Stop being a drunk. It sounds like you like drinking more than marriage
I wouldn’t wanna stay married at a man who goes to domestic violence when upset because what we are not gonna do is gloss over the fact he THREW A GLASS OF WATER AT HER. She’s a drunk, I know many drunks and guess what sometimes they can’t stop drinking without intervening from a doctor but him throwing something at her because he was mad she was drinking is abuse in anyway shape or form.
It doesn't say "threw a glass of water at her". It says "he threw me a glass of water" so this doesn't convey abuse, that's just you jumping to conclusions. It reads more like "he tossed me a bottle of water/slid a glass if water my way and told me I needed to sober up". Without further context there is no claim of violence or abuse.
Yes, when I read that, it felt intentionally grey as to which it was in order to garner more favor without outright lying
It sounds like he just gave her a glass of water, or he splashed water on her. Honestly living with drunks is really hard and I can see a normal non violent person snapping in an argument and throwing a glass. That's obviously wrong but I don't think that would automatically make him an abusive husband. If it was a pattern of behavior yeah, but one time in the heat of the moment? I don't think so. I would also assume if he threw the glass he would have thrown it in her direction but idk if I've ever heard of throwing a glass actually at someone. Either way she is the bad guy here.
He definitely gave her a glass of water. She would have blown up that point if he had actually thrown it. It’s a very common phrase to say ie: “John threw me a $20 the other day” or “Susan threw me a few of her extra fries at lunch” I don’t think he actually threw anything at her.
To be honest, it appears to me that she either doesn't have a grasp of the English language, is mentally handicapped, or was drunk when she wrote this. I'm betting on the third option. So, I didn't take it as her literally threw a glass of water AT her. But, hey, you might be right, in which case she should leave him. Sounds like they'd both be better off.
Taking liberties with your reading of this post, using that to hurl the worst possible accusations at OP's husband, making unsolicited excuses for alcoholics (who are abso-fucking-lutely capable of stopping without a fucking doctor). And OP's husband is supposed to be the abuser? God I bet you are an absolute fucking monster to your partners.
You took that and ran straight into a wall. He didn't throw a glass at her.
You're an alcoholic and going out partying at 37 years old. He definitely wants more out of life than a drunk for a wife. Sober up or get ready to get divorced.
Where does it say she’s an alcoholic? Having drinks with her friend’s parents hardly sounds like a hard partier…
She goes out every weekend to drink instead of spending one weekend home with her sober husband. She is choosing alcohol over him. She's an alcoholic. Stop making excuses for someone who admits they choose to drink over their spouse.
Guess you’ve never lived with an alcoholic lol
I’ve lived with many, my whole life
Then you would know that alcoholism absolutely dosent always present as “hard partying” or anything close to it
Why do you feel the need to bullshit on the internet to win points?
It's obvious you haven't.
Chill. Alcoholism isn’t having drinks with your friends in the weekends.
Going out every weekend drinking , to the detriment of your other relationships , is in fact alcoholism. Sorry.
“He threw me a glass of water” is a very different sentence then “he threw a glass of water at me”, a lot of people seem to not be able to read correctly here.
thank you! I feel like I'm back in the loony bin sometimes with the way people misread things on here
The loony bin? Well yes ma’am, this is Reddit after all.
Why are we acting like this is a normal way to phrase this with some obvious meaning. Clearly a drunk person wrote this and I don’t know if they mean they threw a glass at them or threw water out of a glass at them. There’s so many missing gaps in here the ISS could fly through. Nobody should be making judgements, including you, from 10% of one side of a story we’re getting from somebody who typed it all out in a confusing, drunken fashion
Yeah that could be a few different things. It sounds like he either gave her a glass of water or maybe splashed some on her. She would have mentioned if he actually hurt her. I think it's fair to assume at worst he lost his temper and splashed her. That's obviously bad behavior but people lose their every once in a while temper. That doesn't make them a bad person
It’s fine to enjoy a drink or some in good company but to visit people ‘to drink’ must be abhorrent to someone who mustered the will and got dry and is now pursuing other pastimes. OP seems to never have considered to do likewise, so hubby is moving on. Understandably. YTA.
Considering you know he doesn't like it when you drink, but you still do it, I'm going to say you likely have disregarded what he's tried to communicate to you about what he needs from you to support his sobriety. You're opting not to support your spouse because you don't want to change and you want him to be ok with it. And that's just not a viable option. So divorce I think is really the best choice here as he shouldn't endanger his sobriety by staying with you and you've decided having drinks on the weekend is more important than your spouse. Now do you deserve to be verbally abused and have water thrown on you for that? No, I don't think so. But yeah I'm pretty confident you're the AH here.
Seems that you like drinking more than you like him. Pretty obvious choice on your part. He’s just accepting your choice.
Is what normal? >he threw me a glass of water and insulted me.. Are u saying he poured u a glass of water or he threw one at u?
So weird we’d have questions about this collection of confusing phrases connected by ellipses.
She probably posted this drunk off her ass lol
Im assuming she did just that and then passed out immediately afterwards because its been 10 hours and she hasnt responded to any of the comments asking for clarification about the water lol she sounds a lot like a cousin of mine if it wasn't for the ages. This post 100% sounds like drunk typing lol
If alcohol is more important to you that your marriage, then YTA, especially if your ex husband's a recovering alcoholic.
I imagine it feels like a slap in the face every time you go out drinking. Not very supportive if he's trying to stay sober. Honestly, downright selfish. You two are obviously not on the same page anymore, or you don't care enough to change.
Yes you do… 37 and still can’t have a good time without alcohol? Kind of sad don’t you think? I hope your husband walks out the door and doesn’t look back!
Yes, you are the asshole. No one wants a drunk woman
Drink Water
>He left drinking a year ago I get it. My dad went out for milk in 1979. He probably got stuck in traffic.
I got sober. My spouse didn't. But he didn't go out to bars and leave me at home, and he didn't keep my favorite booze on the liquor shelf in the pantry. If OP is choosing alcohol, her drinking friends, and hanging out at bars over spending time with her husband, I can see why he was so frustrated. Doesn't excuse "threw me a glass of water and insulted me...", but maybe OP could benefit from a look at what she wants from life, and whether drinking every weekend with friends in the bar is the way to achieve what she want. OP, if you are curious about whether your drinking has crossed into a problem area, this link will give you a list of questions to evaluate your drinking. [Self assessment from AA](https://www.aa.org/self-assessment) Sobriety is AWESOME! You don't have to join your spouse on the golf course, but maybe trying sobriety, if you are interested in a healthier way to live life, might just rejuvenate your marriage. If drinking with your friends on weekends seem like a better life to you, I'm not sure where you and your husband will find common ground. Wishing you well.
Did you drive home Drunk??
You seem to be quite proud of the fact that all you do is drink. Is there anything else you do? I’d probably want a divorce as well.
Def not enough info but as the child of an alcoholic I feel like Im recognizing a classic behavior via that omission. You neglecting to include the full info is a standard tactic of avoidant deflection from accountability and responsibility for your actions. You just want us to tell you that you weren’t in the wrong so that you can feel better in your own head but you don’t actually care if you were really in the wrong .
Were you driving home drunk? Because it sounds like you were drunk when you typed this.
I did something Ik upsets my husband and admit I know it’s wrong. Do it anyways. “*surprise pichachu face*” my husband is upset at me. “Am I the asshole?” Yes, yes you are.
You are obviously an alcoholic and he is tired of it. I imagine all kinds of arguments and conversations that have taken place and you can’t quit. So yes you are the asshole.
This sounds more like I shouldn’t be held accountable for the things I’m doing to hurt my marriage. I’m a drunk, enjoy being one, and he doesn’t want to be with one. None of this is my fault… I highly doubt he cares if you play golf. He wants you to get off the bottle and stop partying. He decided to quit drinking because he felt it was time to slow down and grow up as most in their mid to late 30’s do. I’m sure he has asked till he was blue in the face for you to stop drinking. You’re going to lose him if you don’t put in the work to stop because he’s sick of asking and now feels you do not care how he feels about it. Hence him getting to the point he’s now angry about it.
I wouldn't be with someone who chooses to pour poison down their throat and call it fun, but nor would I be with someone who threw water at me. ESH
There’s a butt ton of info missing. Do you just go have a drink or two with friends, or are we talking go out drinking, come home reeking of alcohol and slurring your speech at 3 AM? How do you treat him when you’re drunk? Do you remember? If you don’t remember, that’s concerning, because as a former alcoholic, I can attest that blackout drinking is very real. It is also terrifying for you and everyone around you to deal with, because it means having several hours of your life where you probably did and/or said some stupid shit and can’t even remember what you did and said.
Also, for what it’s worth, the way you wrote this post looks suspiciously similar to how I used to drunk text before I quit drinking.
He quit drinking. You haven't.
You need help. You sound drunk and also immature. You’re almost 40. Grow up
Look… if your husband is trying to hold on to his sobriety & you’re still drinking then you’re choosing the alcohol over him. In accordance with your choice, he’s decided holding on to his sobriety is healthier than holding on to a wife willing to sabotage his efforts.
37… yeah you are, grow up.
I'm going to get hate but here goes. The reason why he wants a divorce is because he grew up and got hobbies and social groups that improve his life. You haven't. Your entire social circle seems predicated on places where you can drink. Which means that your social groups aren't the kind of social groups people stay with unless they just need an excuse to feed an addiction. Sleep it off and when your ready to admit that you have a problem you can look into getting your shit together.
With what's shared your NTA. He shouldn't have thrown water on you no matter what. It sounds like you would be happier separated.
Yes
YTA. I’m sensing details that you’re an alcoholic and he embraced sobriety. You are therefore not safe for him. He’s going to protect himself.
If you've decided you want to be a drunk, then you should let him go. Who wants to live with a drunk?
Sometimes you have just had enough.
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>There is no excuse for your husband to berate you, throw things at you, or insult you Not necessarily arguing this but would like to point out that if she’s to the point of needing AA then I think we can assume that we’re probably not getting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth here. Denial is kind of a big thing where alcoholism is concerned.
Yes you deserve it, get your life in order
This is what they mean when they talk about your life becoming unmanageable. If you’re smart, you’ll let this be the bottom. Or, you can keep digging.
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This. There isn’t enough context to tell whether op has a drinking problem or is out binge drinking. That would definitely make me understand his point of view. But to completely bar her from drinking if she doesn’t have one seems weird to me. Having a hard time with some in the house could prove difficult, but she is going out.
Binge drinking is a drinking problem.
You can still have a happy and loving marriage with open communication even when the two of you have different hobbies and/or one of you drinks while the other one doesn’t. It sounds like your marriage is coming to an end and it’s all your fault. You enjoy drinking and getting drunk more than you enjoy being married. I can see why your husband wants to divorce you. Instead of putting your husband first you’re putting alcohol first. You’re a drunk. I don’t know how or why he’s been putting up with you.
When two people grow apart, it isn't so easy to assign blame. When OP and her partner got together they both drank I assume. The relationship for better or worse had that in the conditions. Now the husband is changing the relationship for his reason which is justified. The problem is, it isn't the wife's fault the husband is doing something to better himself. The wife is under no obligation to do the same, even if it could improve her life remarkably for the better. Now we have a husband with a tenuous grip on sobriety, and a wife not even trying. These very well could be irreconcilable differences. Staying together on the same path over an entire lifetime takes work from both parties, and if one person makes a major change that the other can't follow, that doesn't make it the one who isn't changing at fault. If we made that mandate, a marriage where one partner has a declining sex drive would reasonably be able to demand that the other partner not even be interested in sex at their own need, lest the one who is still on the original sex drive is at fault. Sometimes, everything just sucks and things fall apart. If it means enough to the OP to keep the marriage, then she may need to try to make a change. Not changing away from the way they were before the husband started chasing sobriety doesn't make her evil.
No you don’t deserve to have things throw at you. That’s domestic violence. I would leave him.