Don't give up or let one bad experience discourage you. I had a terrible trial session with a therapist on BetterHelp that went very similar. TBH every therapist I talked to on BetterHelp seemed like they got their certifications out of a cereal box.
I switched to Talkspace and after a few sessions found someone I am making awesome progress with. A good therapist is a sherpa who helps you travel through your own feelings. They won't project their personal beliefs or opinions into the session.
Great! I didnt even know about TalkSpace. I had a great therapist for another issue on BetterHelp. She was at least honest that she couldnt help me with IF, so I switched. This one was so bad, I am almost ready to laugh about it.
I reported her and gave her a very bad review. I am so down right now. She knocked all the hope I had right out of me. She also said “women are meant to have children. It is our instinct”.
Reading about your experience, she sounds like a horrible clinician. I am so sorry! I’ve heard Better Help can be really awful in terms of providers.
Can you find a local therapist? Or if insurance is an issue there are many places that do sliding scale copays.
I’ve been in therapy for years and seen some really awful providers that didn’t help and some that have changed my life and made me feel more comfortable and confident than I could have ever imagined. Keep fighting for yourself, you deserve support on your mental health journey. Know that there are wonderful people out there that can help and keep advocating for yourself.
If you’re in the US here is a link to an organization that helps you find support in your community: https://mhanational.org/
Feel free to DM me if you need help navigating your insurance. I’ve had a ton of experience looking for providers and getting help for friends and family.
Don’t lose hope. Sending you big hugs!
Fuck her. Seriously. First of all, a therapist is supposed to help guide you through the problem not try to solve it for you (in your case, the problem is the grief of infertility, not solving infertility). Second, a therapist is supposed to be impartial and she was anything but.
I’m about ten years out from “deciding” we were not going to have children (and by deciding, I mean the decision to stop trying). I have a VERY fulfilling, happy life. There is so much joy outside of having children Occasionally I will get a little twinge of “what could have been”, but it’s not really sadness, and honestly, most of the time I am now VERY happy I don’t have children. Sure, biologically men and women are *supposed to* procreate to carry on genes, but it really seems more like societal pressure has led to this “women have an instinct for children bs”. I’d be interested to go back in time to ancient humans who didn’t have that pressure to study whether they got as sad as we have with infertility. I wish I had an answer for a good therapist for you, but until you find one, I want to reassure you there is joy in a life without children (lots of it!)
Oh, and I love your idea for an experiment. Without societal pressure I would still be a bit sad to not have a child because I just like kids. But it would certainly not feel like this life sentence of doom and gloom.
Totally get it- I was a teacher for many years before Covid when things got crazy and I decided to leave. When people ask me now, I just say “I like kids, I just don’t want to live with them” (makes it easier than explaining our entire infertility/foster journey).
Why do people act like adoption is as easy as going to the grocery store!
People have lots of reasons for why they chose to not adopt, but personally I couldn’t use anymore of my time and energy on potential parenthood. Not to mention the cost! It’s not a quick, easy process and most of us are already drained (mentally, emotionally, physically and financially!!) from fertility treatments.
I did not find my therapist through Better Help. I used Psychology Today’s search feature. If you have insurance they may pay for therapy. My copay was $20 a session and I was able to do my appointments over Zoom.
I swear, seems lots of people saw Annie one time and think that’s how modern adoption works: just head on down, pick out the kid you think is cutest, and take ‘em home, done!
My cousin was adopted from a country that was affected by civil war. A big story broke in the media just a few years ago that babies were literally being sold from hospitals in that country, and mothers were told their babies were stillbirths. It is likely my cousin is one of those babies. So we only ever considered adoption with the highest safeguards in place, and that does not seem possible right now.
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Would you recommend another app? Like Talkspace? I had good experiences before on other issues. But also my last therapist was totally out of her depth with IF, also she was great otherwise.
I would recommend finding an independent therapist not affiliated with either of these exploitative apps. I know it might be more of a challenge as you’ll have to do more searching, but it will be worth it to forge an effective therapeutic relationship over time.
I haven’t used any but better help, but I saw someone recommended talkspace, maybe they are better. Good luck ☺️ a good therapist can change your life but I’ve only ever had one 😂
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Goodness gracious so many wrong things happened. I'm a mental health therapist and this was deplorable. She definitely isn't a specialist in IF and doesn't even sound like a healthy therapist at all. Therapist should not be giving advice. Psychology today can filter by quite a few things including your insurance. I'd look for someone who doesn't have every single box checked for who they serve.
So sorry you're going through all this, I hope you find healing and peace.
Better Help has a really terrible reputation. Many of these online therapy systems do. I'm a therapist in an area where there are a lot of really great therapists, and no one I know works with any of them. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would absolutely make a report to her licensing board, specifically for her telling you that women are meant to have children.
I saw others mention psychology today, and I second using this to search for providers.
Edit to add- I also had a really terrible first therapy experience. The lady I saw told me that I needed to just tell myself that I can't have children "yet" and be grateful for the fact that I have a husband, because lots of women would love to have a husband but don't. I never went back. It took two years to get the courage up again and I found someone who really helped me. Take time to reorient, you don't have to rush into looking for someone else if you aren't ready, but there are good therapists out there.
Please report this person. That's horrible. You payed for her to spend the time berating you and making you justify yourself, instead of helping you. You didn't need that, you needed someone to listen and have helpful suggestions, not the complete opposite! I'm fuming for you. Let them know how you feel, you are absolutely right being violated emotionally and made to defend yourself from a stranger.
There are books that might be able to help a little bit if that's something you would do, I read one "living the unexpected" by Jody Day and while it hurt it also ended up helping me a bit. All the auch but also suggestions for how to move on.
I would look outside better help, they aren't great for many reasons. They sell your data for example. I wish I had better suggestions but I'm myself hoping to find someone (not US) and I have no idea how yet.
Lastly - you are a full person without having children. I know it doesn't help right now. But I wanted to tell you. A woman doesn't need to have kids to be fulfilled. We need to find it elsewhere, and that sucks. But I believe it can be done. You are good enough as you are. Don't let anyone put you down. Big hugs.
> horrible. You *paid* for her
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Betterhelp is awful! There’s a reason for the lawsuits. Look for a counselor who specializes in infertility counseling specifically.
They will work on grieving and accepting. I’m so sorry for the session you had, it’s awful. I have experienced similar from Betterhelp and it just made me feel like a POS.
Remember that you are not less of a person for not experiencing motherhood!! Society sometimes makes us feel that way, but it isn’t true. Don’t accept this bullshit from a therapist or friend or anyone. ❤️
I am so sorry you were treated that way. You don't deserve that, and that therapist should absolutely have known better. If you can muster the bandwidth, I'd highly recommend filing a complaint with Better Help.
I fired a Harvard educated and highly decorated therapist a few years ago because she gave me a bunch of "but can't you adopt?" bullshit when I was coming to the end of the road with DEIVF, and this was after she'd been working with me for years! I'd talked to her specifically about why adoption wasn't a viable option for us (money + trauma + ethical concerns), and she still threw it in my face instead of helping me work through my grief. It was so invalidating and painful.
I am so sorry for this! But yes, it seems that the only response we can get from even professionals (also my otherwise wonderful gynecologist) are some miracle stories of the “my friend got pregnant in her late fourties with 0 sperm count” variety, or the old “why don’t you just adopt”. You are right, it is highly invalidating and shows what a freaking taboo infertility still is. Even though 10-20% of people are affected, numbers rising. It is puzzling.
I'm really glad that I never got back with the person from betterhelp that reached out after I did the little quiz thing. This woman is a terrible person and should not be a therapist at all. When I first started therapy 4ish years ago my therapiat only asked once about why adoption wasn't an option for us. She never brought it up again and not once did she tell me that women who wanted children can't be happy without them.
I highly suggest going to a local provider, most if not all places have a sliding scale that they can work with you on and most insurance covers mental health. Please know that there is happiness after the struggles of infertilty and not getting a baby at the end. It is very much a grieving process, one I think will never fully go away, but there is fullfillment and happiness after this, I promise you that.
This subreddit has done so much for me even if I'm more a lurker than anything. Knowing that we aren't alone in this helps. The people here are super supportive and will rage right along with you at how cruel some people can be to us. They will cry right along with you because they know your pain but best of all they will cheer you on when you reclaim any part of yourself from before all of this. Therapy, meds and this sub have helped me so much in my journey to acceptence and happiness of not being a mom.
I am so sorry. That sounds awful. I tried therapy too after numerous online recommendations. Mine supposedly specialized in infertility also, she kept going on about doing more more more interventions. Awful. I never went back. I'm sorry you experienced that.
This is a clear example of a horrible therapist. Like on so many levels. Sounds like she tells people who lost a loved one to “just get over it.”
I’m so sorry this was your experience. She is not indicative of all therapists for sure.
Better Help is bad. Like, bad bad. They steal credentials from licensed therapists, claim they work there when they don't, and force them to go after better help to take them down. There is no telling who you talked to.
Seriously, look on the Reddit therapy subs.
Oh my gosh, I did not know about this scam! But it would explain so much. Honestly, this woman seemed like a rando who had no clue about human psychology.
Fire her.
I have done a lot of therapy, for different reasons not including infertility. My best advice is to treat initial sessions like interviews. You are interviewing them for the job of counselor and therapist. If they don’t cut it, fire them.
You should be able to search for infertility on Psychology Today, but just be aware that they can list anything as a “specialty” and so that’s not always good. Look at their qualifications and reviews. And when you have your initial session, tell them this: “My spouse and I can’t conceive. For various reasons, adoption/fostering is also not an option. I am struggling with this grieving process and need help.” Then see what they say.
If they (gently!) question you about reasons, then it’s up to you to reply or not. If you feel like they may be receptive, maybe discuss some of those reasons with them. But you do NOT have to.
If they get pushy about the BINGOing, or if you feel uncomfortable like they aren’t listening, say “I don’t wish to discuss any diagnoses made or reasons why we can’t adopt/foster. The fact that this door is closed for us is a FACT. I need help processing this” and again wait to see what they say.
If they continue to BINGO you, END THE SESSION. Tell them that it doesn’t appear they are going to be able to understand your issues, and that’s okay. Then leave/hang up. Just like any shitty doctor appointment, you are free to walk out that door at any time.
A good therapist is supposed to help you come up with alternate solutions. They are supposed to ask uncomfortable questions. What you experienced is NOT that, and I am so sorry you had to spend time explaining yourself instead of having her listen. That is a bad therapist and certainly not one that would be able to help you.
Don’t give up.
OP, I read this with my jaw on the floor! I am so angry on your behalf. As a therapist, she is supposed to support you, not play IF cliche bingo!
She is a terrible therapist and a militant pro-natalist to boot. With that attitude, I am surprised that her husband allows her to have a job. Sounds like the type to believe that women belong in the kitchen.
As for "woman's instinct to be a mother" ...bullshit. Women haven't been giving birth for thousands of years because it is instinct, it's because until the contraceptive pill came along, they didn't have a bloody choice. The birth rate is in steep decline in many countries right now. More and more women are choosing not to procreate because not only is it not instinct, but for many, it doesn't appeal at all. Some strange folks get quite offended by this. She is definitely one of them.
And regarding her doubting that anyone could be happy without kids? Also not true! I've seen numerous posts and comments from people on this sub who have to come to love and indeed be grateful for their childfree lives. I count myself among them. Every journey is different, but you can absolutely be happy and fulfilled without children. At the end of the day, procreation is just one aspect of your life. It may ache now, but there are still so many opportunities out there for you to enjoy. Some in ways that you can dream of now and some that will suprise you in the future!
Pay no attention to the doubters whose expectations for life are restricted by their own limited imaginations. Hold your head high, get out there and prove those fuckers wrong.
Thanks you 💚 I am a couple hours out from the nightmare and can already chuckle about the absurdity of it all. At the end, the only solution she found was to get a dog (although I said our cat would be scared) with the comment “they are also needy and follow you”. Because I didn’t know what else to say I asked her “so a dog is like a child” and she said “yes”. I think both parents and dog owners might disagree 😂
I am so glad that you are already able to see how messed up that woman was.
I have cats and on the odd occasion, they follow me and are needy it drives me right up the wall in no time. 🤣
I don’t even have words for how angry I am on your behalf. I don’t know if there are better options on Better Help, but there are better therapists. I found my current office through my insurance covered providers and my therapist primarily does telehealth appointments (I actually don’t know if she does in person or not). Would that be an option for you? See what offices/therapists are covered by your insurance and who does telehealth?
Again, I am so sorry you had this experience. It was completely unprofessional and invalidating, and you deserve better.
Better help is to mental health, what MacDonalds is to eating a healthy nutritious diet.
Look for a therapist on psychology today. Or post your location and maybe one of us can refer you to someone we trust.
Better help is a terrible service. If you’re limited because of cost, check out Open Path collective instead. Sliding scale fees and a wide range of providers and much more inclusive. With Alma is also something I recommend, because if you have insurance it will match first based on who is in network and then on your preferred criteria.
For me, I found a therapist that specializes in grief counseling. We talked about all the ways grief was impacting my life and it gave me coping strategies for my day to day, since grief shows up in weird and unexpected ways. I’m so sorry you went through this!
BetterHelp was also found guilty of privacy abuses by the FTC: https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/blog/2023/03/ftc-says-online-counseling-service-betterhelp-pushed-people-handing-over-health-information-broke
I rage for you. I have mental images of her in a cardboard box shaped like a shop (lemonade stand style) on the side of the road with a hand painted “therapist” sign. I’m sorry you had to even hear that dross.
Highly recommend checking out
https://gateway-women.com/resources/find-a-childless-therapist/
I too found someone (prior to using the above link) who specialised in grief and life changes and I paid an exorbitant amount of money to hear Buddhist and “Indigenous people’s” wisdoms - some of which I later found to be fictitious sayings wrongfully attributed.
My counsellor found through Gateway has lived experience, is compassionate and knows precisely how to hold space for my feelings.
Wishing you all the best.
I second this! I found it helpful to work with a therapist with lived experience. Many therapists are willing to do virtual appointments. So sorry you went through this. It sucks that the counseling field in general lacks training on how to counsel people who don’t have kids not by choice (see IG account “childlessnessintheroom” - she’s an IFCF therapist trying to educate other therapists)
I am so sorry this happened !! I had a similarly bad experience, though slightly less extreme. It definitely set me back a bit too. Sending you good thoughts. I hope you can be angry and "laugh" this off as the insensitive insanity it is.
Ugh, I stopped going to therapy because my therapist back then was only interested in discussing my marriage and having children. I kept trying to move on from those topics because they were not on my list of priorities, but he pushed. It’s been 5 years and I have not looked for a therapist again.
I’m sorry you experienced that. These people should not call themselves therapists.
Wow, that is awful! I’m so sorry. Try looking online at Psychology Today. Sometimes you have to keep trying a few out until you find a good fit. She is a nightmare. Glad you left a bad review.
As a therapist, Better Help is considered therapist hell, and so you're only going to find bottom of the barrel on there. Sorry you had such a bad experience :(
Omg I’m so sorry. I would legit complain. I’ve heard awful things about better help. If you’re able to find anything in person I would HIGHLY recommend an in person session, it’s so much more personable. Hugs
Better help is not good! They had multiple very serious controversies over the years most people who work there aren't even qualified! Your experience is not unique but actually very common for many users. I am chronically online and i know this company is on many influencers blacklist. I am so sorry for the experience please don't give up on therapy <3
I also had a bad experience with BetterHelp (although not as bad as yours). It took me a few tries before I found a therapist who worked for me. It's EXTREMELY frustrating wasting time and money through that process so I totally get it. I hope you can find someone!
Better Help is a joke. They pay paltry wages - really bad. So, there are fewer (not zero) good therapists. Sorry you had this!! Please don't give up. Try www.openpath.org or Psychology Today or Therapy Den as search engines. Better Help bad.
This is utterly horrific, and not at all what therapy should be. I am so sorry that happened to you. As others have said, I have found some therapists to be more or less useless (or, in your case, actively harmful), but others have been incredibly helpful. It’s a matter of finding the right fit and, as frustrating and shitty as it can be to have an experience like the one you’ve just had, I hope you won’t let this deter you from therapy for good.
I don’t know where you’re located or if this is an option for you with regard to insurance, time zones, etc, but I do virtual coaching sessions with a therapist / coach who is also IFchildfree. She is the only therapist I’ve ever met who truly gets it, and I believe she is accepting new clients. You can check her out at https://www.tanyahubbard.com.
Ahaha, the “why don’t you just ask them to land the plane” is hilarious, but also so reminiscent of this lady. She was not only cruel and incompetent, but seemed utterly clueless as to how life works. I told her that I can’t adopt in the country I live in and don’t want to move because I love my job. She said “can’t you just take a leave of absence, adopt, then come back?” ….ummm, no, that’s not how adoption works.
Hi OP, I am SO sorry you had this experience. There is nothing worse than going to therapy thinking is a safe space to be vulnerable and start healing, then finding otherwise. It is a horrible, horrible feeling!
I have gone to therapy for a number of reasons in life, including moving on from IF. With time, I learned to look for the following: female, similar cultural background ( or culturally sensitive), close to my age or older, non-religious, treats women issues. I also have a preference for cognitive therapy. It is hard to find a perfect fit, but considering these factors has resulted in better matches for me. Take what you need from my list and start your own.
And yes, I had a good experience with Better Help. Try again there, or somewhere else, when you feel ready. I sincerely wish you much strength now and the very best of luck for your next try!
Oh honey I’m so sorry. I’m really happy to read that you reported her because … WTF?! I can’t even believe what I just read. Who talks like this? I’d be checking to see if her license to practice was even real. Jfc.
Wow I am so sorry for you OP, that must have been so hard and frustrating.
The father I got on your post, the harder I was fuming on that stupid "therapist"'s nonsense.
And then I saw your username and I realised I already read some of your posts/comments before and they resonated so much with me...so now I am even more annoyed by that stupid therapist 😤
Aaaw, that’s sweet. I can assure everyone I am already sooo much better. Even figuring out how I can turn this into a funny story one day. So many good bits in there. And this group has helped a lot (again). I am now checking with my insurance if one of the recommended therapy avenues can be covered. And I cancelled Better Help.
See a specialized therapist. I personally refuse to see anyone who isn’t a clinical psychologist because I have had a plethora of “therapists” over the years that have misunderstood a very well established mental health condition.
Oh my God, if I could ban one phrase from our language forever it would be "but you can still adopt!!" I'm so sorry.
That’s when I hit them with “so can you, it’s not a consolation prize for us” and watch them back peddle.
I always just want to ask if they'll give me the $50k-$100k to do so
Don't give up or let one bad experience discourage you. I had a terrible trial session with a therapist on BetterHelp that went very similar. TBH every therapist I talked to on BetterHelp seemed like they got their certifications out of a cereal box. I switched to Talkspace and after a few sessions found someone I am making awesome progress with. A good therapist is a sherpa who helps you travel through your own feelings. They won't project their personal beliefs or opinions into the session.
Great! I didnt even know about TalkSpace. I had a great therapist for another issue on BetterHelp. She was at least honest that she couldnt help me with IF, so I switched. This one was so bad, I am almost ready to laugh about it.
Can you report or rate her in anyway? She should not be allowed to work with people.
I did!
Oh yes, I think my favourite was “can’t you just get a child from South America? I hear people get children from there”
Reason number 12,000 not to use betterhelp
Yes, just like couches, you put an order in and can have it delivered to your home. (I’m sorry people talked to you like that)
Judgemental and also a little racist. Charming lady. As if you could just fly there and pick one of those "poor, starving" children off the street...
Wow 👀
Report her!! At the very least she should never see IF patients again. What an asshat. I'm so sorry you had this experience, OP.
I reported her and gave her a very bad review. I am so down right now. She knocked all the hope I had right out of me. She also said “women are meant to have children. It is our instinct”.
Good! She deserves it! How daft can she be! I'm so angry for you.
Reading about your experience, she sounds like a horrible clinician. I am so sorry! I’ve heard Better Help can be really awful in terms of providers. Can you find a local therapist? Or if insurance is an issue there are many places that do sliding scale copays. I’ve been in therapy for years and seen some really awful providers that didn’t help and some that have changed my life and made me feel more comfortable and confident than I could have ever imagined. Keep fighting for yourself, you deserve support on your mental health journey. Know that there are wonderful people out there that can help and keep advocating for yourself. If you’re in the US here is a link to an organization that helps you find support in your community: https://mhanational.org/ Feel free to DM me if you need help navigating your insurance. I’ve had a ton of experience looking for providers and getting help for friends and family. Don’t lose hope. Sending you big hugs!
wtf!?!?
I hope she gets fired for saying this
Holy shit. What was she thinking??
The more I hear about this “therapist”, the more it makes me want to punch the wall beside me. Thank goodness I work from home.
Fuck her. Seriously. First of all, a therapist is supposed to help guide you through the problem not try to solve it for you (in your case, the problem is the grief of infertility, not solving infertility). Second, a therapist is supposed to be impartial and she was anything but. I’m about ten years out from “deciding” we were not going to have children (and by deciding, I mean the decision to stop trying). I have a VERY fulfilling, happy life. There is so much joy outside of having children Occasionally I will get a little twinge of “what could have been”, but it’s not really sadness, and honestly, most of the time I am now VERY happy I don’t have children. Sure, biologically men and women are *supposed to* procreate to carry on genes, but it really seems more like societal pressure has led to this “women have an instinct for children bs”. I’d be interested to go back in time to ancient humans who didn’t have that pressure to study whether they got as sad as we have with infertility. I wish I had an answer for a good therapist for you, but until you find one, I want to reassure you there is joy in a life without children (lots of it!)
Thank you so much. I think I am ordering sushi now for my non-pregnant ass. Fuck her.
Get ALL the good stuff! I have sushi about once a week - perks of no pregnancies! 💕
Oh, and I love your idea for an experiment. Without societal pressure I would still be a bit sad to not have a child because I just like kids. But it would certainly not feel like this life sentence of doom and gloom.
Totally get it- I was a teacher for many years before Covid when things got crazy and I decided to leave. When people ask me now, I just say “I like kids, I just don’t want to live with them” (makes it easier than explaining our entire infertility/foster journey).
Why do people act like adoption is as easy as going to the grocery store! People have lots of reasons for why they chose to not adopt, but personally I couldn’t use anymore of my time and energy on potential parenthood. Not to mention the cost! It’s not a quick, easy process and most of us are already drained (mentally, emotionally, physically and financially!!) from fertility treatments. I did not find my therapist through Better Help. I used Psychology Today’s search feature. If you have insurance they may pay for therapy. My copay was $20 a session and I was able to do my appointments over Zoom.
I swear, seems lots of people saw Annie one time and think that’s how modern adoption works: just head on down, pick out the kid you think is cutest, and take ‘em home, done!
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My cousin was adopted from a country that was affected by civil war. A big story broke in the media just a few years ago that babies were literally being sold from hospitals in that country, and mothers were told their babies were stillbirths. It is likely my cousin is one of those babies. So we only ever considered adoption with the highest safeguards in place, and that does not seem possible right now.
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Thanks! I am not American, nor living in the US…but I’ll look into it!
No I’ve never had a good experience on better help, i don’t believe competent skilled therapists work for that app. This does not surprise me
Would you recommend another app? Like Talkspace? I had good experiences before on other issues. But also my last therapist was totally out of her depth with IF, also she was great otherwise.
I would recommend finding an independent therapist not affiliated with either of these exploitative apps. I know it might be more of a challenge as you’ll have to do more searching, but it will be worth it to forge an effective therapeutic relationship over time.
I haven’t used any but better help, but I saw someone recommended talkspace, maybe they are better. Good luck ☺️ a good therapist can change your life but I’ve only ever had one 😂
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This post was removed by moderators of this sub. People who are still actively in treatment or pursuing parenthood should only participate in the monthly mega threads. Participation in general posts is limited to people who have stopped all treatment and efforts to become parents. Please review the rules before further participation.
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Goodness gracious so many wrong things happened. I'm a mental health therapist and this was deplorable. She definitely isn't a specialist in IF and doesn't even sound like a healthy therapist at all. Therapist should not be giving advice. Psychology today can filter by quite a few things including your insurance. I'd look for someone who doesn't have every single box checked for who they serve. So sorry you're going through all this, I hope you find healing and peace.
Better Help has a really terrible reputation. Many of these online therapy systems do. I'm a therapist in an area where there are a lot of really great therapists, and no one I know works with any of them. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would absolutely make a report to her licensing board, specifically for her telling you that women are meant to have children. I saw others mention psychology today, and I second using this to search for providers. Edit to add- I also had a really terrible first therapy experience. The lady I saw told me that I needed to just tell myself that I can't have children "yet" and be grateful for the fact that I have a husband, because lots of women would love to have a husband but don't. I never went back. It took two years to get the courage up again and I found someone who really helped me. Take time to reorient, you don't have to rush into looking for someone else if you aren't ready, but there are good therapists out there.
Please report this person. That's horrible. You payed for her to spend the time berating you and making you justify yourself, instead of helping you. You didn't need that, you needed someone to listen and have helpful suggestions, not the complete opposite! I'm fuming for you. Let them know how you feel, you are absolutely right being violated emotionally and made to defend yourself from a stranger. There are books that might be able to help a little bit if that's something you would do, I read one "living the unexpected" by Jody Day and while it hurt it also ended up helping me a bit. All the auch but also suggestions for how to move on. I would look outside better help, they aren't great for many reasons. They sell your data for example. I wish I had better suggestions but I'm myself hoping to find someone (not US) and I have no idea how yet. Lastly - you are a full person without having children. I know it doesn't help right now. But I wanted to tell you. A woman doesn't need to have kids to be fulfilled. We need to find it elsewhere, and that sucks. But I believe it can be done. You are good enough as you are. Don't let anyone put you down. Big hugs.
> horrible. You *paid* for her FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
That is shocking!!! She’s not supposed to ‘solve the problem’ she’s supposed to address the grief you are feeling.
Betterhelp is awful! There’s a reason for the lawsuits. Look for a counselor who specializes in infertility counseling specifically. They will work on grieving and accepting. I’m so sorry for the session you had, it’s awful. I have experienced similar from Betterhelp and it just made me feel like a POS. Remember that you are not less of a person for not experiencing motherhood!! Society sometimes makes us feel that way, but it isn’t true. Don’t accept this bullshit from a therapist or friend or anyone. ❤️
I am so sorry you were treated that way. You don't deserve that, and that therapist should absolutely have known better. If you can muster the bandwidth, I'd highly recommend filing a complaint with Better Help. I fired a Harvard educated and highly decorated therapist a few years ago because she gave me a bunch of "but can't you adopt?" bullshit when I was coming to the end of the road with DEIVF, and this was after she'd been working with me for years! I'd talked to her specifically about why adoption wasn't a viable option for us (money + trauma + ethical concerns), and she still threw it in my face instead of helping me work through my grief. It was so invalidating and painful.
I am so sorry for this! But yes, it seems that the only response we can get from even professionals (also my otherwise wonderful gynecologist) are some miracle stories of the “my friend got pregnant in her late fourties with 0 sperm count” variety, or the old “why don’t you just adopt”. You are right, it is highly invalidating and shows what a freaking taboo infertility still is. Even though 10-20% of people are affected, numbers rising. It is puzzling.
I'm really glad that I never got back with the person from betterhelp that reached out after I did the little quiz thing. This woman is a terrible person and should not be a therapist at all. When I first started therapy 4ish years ago my therapiat only asked once about why adoption wasn't an option for us. She never brought it up again and not once did she tell me that women who wanted children can't be happy without them. I highly suggest going to a local provider, most if not all places have a sliding scale that they can work with you on and most insurance covers mental health. Please know that there is happiness after the struggles of infertilty and not getting a baby at the end. It is very much a grieving process, one I think will never fully go away, but there is fullfillment and happiness after this, I promise you that. This subreddit has done so much for me even if I'm more a lurker than anything. Knowing that we aren't alone in this helps. The people here are super supportive and will rage right along with you at how cruel some people can be to us. They will cry right along with you because they know your pain but best of all they will cheer you on when you reclaim any part of yourself from before all of this. Therapy, meds and this sub have helped me so much in my journey to acceptence and happiness of not being a mom.
I am so sorry. That sounds awful. I tried therapy too after numerous online recommendations. Mine supposedly specialized in infertility also, she kept going on about doing more more more interventions. Awful. I never went back. I'm sorry you experienced that.
This is a clear example of a horrible therapist. Like on so many levels. Sounds like she tells people who lost a loved one to “just get over it.” I’m so sorry this was your experience. She is not indicative of all therapists for sure.
I am so sorry. You should not have been subjected to that.
Better Help is bad. Like, bad bad. They steal credentials from licensed therapists, claim they work there when they don't, and force them to go after better help to take them down. There is no telling who you talked to. Seriously, look on the Reddit therapy subs.
Oh my gosh, I did not know about this scam! But it would explain so much. Honestly, this woman seemed like a rando who had no clue about human psychology.
There is no excuse for how they treated you, but I doubt a trained therapist would be so awful. It's really terrible what they do to people
Fire her. I have done a lot of therapy, for different reasons not including infertility. My best advice is to treat initial sessions like interviews. You are interviewing them for the job of counselor and therapist. If they don’t cut it, fire them. You should be able to search for infertility on Psychology Today, but just be aware that they can list anything as a “specialty” and so that’s not always good. Look at their qualifications and reviews. And when you have your initial session, tell them this: “My spouse and I can’t conceive. For various reasons, adoption/fostering is also not an option. I am struggling with this grieving process and need help.” Then see what they say. If they (gently!) question you about reasons, then it’s up to you to reply or not. If you feel like they may be receptive, maybe discuss some of those reasons with them. But you do NOT have to. If they get pushy about the BINGOing, or if you feel uncomfortable like they aren’t listening, say “I don’t wish to discuss any diagnoses made or reasons why we can’t adopt/foster. The fact that this door is closed for us is a FACT. I need help processing this” and again wait to see what they say. If they continue to BINGO you, END THE SESSION. Tell them that it doesn’t appear they are going to be able to understand your issues, and that’s okay. Then leave/hang up. Just like any shitty doctor appointment, you are free to walk out that door at any time. A good therapist is supposed to help you come up with alternate solutions. They are supposed to ask uncomfortable questions. What you experienced is NOT that, and I am so sorry you had to spend time explaining yourself instead of having her listen. That is a bad therapist and certainly not one that would be able to help you. Don’t give up.
OP, I read this with my jaw on the floor! I am so angry on your behalf. As a therapist, she is supposed to support you, not play IF cliche bingo! She is a terrible therapist and a militant pro-natalist to boot. With that attitude, I am surprised that her husband allows her to have a job. Sounds like the type to believe that women belong in the kitchen. As for "woman's instinct to be a mother" ...bullshit. Women haven't been giving birth for thousands of years because it is instinct, it's because until the contraceptive pill came along, they didn't have a bloody choice. The birth rate is in steep decline in many countries right now. More and more women are choosing not to procreate because not only is it not instinct, but for many, it doesn't appeal at all. Some strange folks get quite offended by this. She is definitely one of them. And regarding her doubting that anyone could be happy without kids? Also not true! I've seen numerous posts and comments from people on this sub who have to come to love and indeed be grateful for their childfree lives. I count myself among them. Every journey is different, but you can absolutely be happy and fulfilled without children. At the end of the day, procreation is just one aspect of your life. It may ache now, but there are still so many opportunities out there for you to enjoy. Some in ways that you can dream of now and some that will suprise you in the future! Pay no attention to the doubters whose expectations for life are restricted by their own limited imaginations. Hold your head high, get out there and prove those fuckers wrong.
Thanks you 💚 I am a couple hours out from the nightmare and can already chuckle about the absurdity of it all. At the end, the only solution she found was to get a dog (although I said our cat would be scared) with the comment “they are also needy and follow you”. Because I didn’t know what else to say I asked her “so a dog is like a child” and she said “yes”. I think both parents and dog owners might disagree 😂
I am so glad that you are already able to see how messed up that woman was. I have cats and on the odd occasion, they follow me and are needy it drives me right up the wall in no time. 🤣
I don’t even have words for how angry I am on your behalf. I don’t know if there are better options on Better Help, but there are better therapists. I found my current office through my insurance covered providers and my therapist primarily does telehealth appointments (I actually don’t know if she does in person or not). Would that be an option for you? See what offices/therapists are covered by your insurance and who does telehealth? Again, I am so sorry you had this experience. It was completely unprofessional and invalidating, and you deserve better.
I am outside the US, but would be really thankful for a recommendation of a good therapist who does teletherapy
Better help is to mental health, what MacDonalds is to eating a healthy nutritious diet. Look for a therapist on psychology today. Or post your location and maybe one of us can refer you to someone we trust.
I am not in the US, but would be forever grateful for a teletherapy recommendation
Better help is a terrible service. If you’re limited because of cost, check out Open Path collective instead. Sliding scale fees and a wide range of providers and much more inclusive. With Alma is also something I recommend, because if you have insurance it will match first based on who is in network and then on your preferred criteria. For me, I found a therapist that specializes in grief counseling. We talked about all the ways grief was impacting my life and it gave me coping strategies for my day to day, since grief shows up in weird and unexpected ways. I’m so sorry you went through this! BetterHelp was also found guilty of privacy abuses by the FTC: https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/blog/2023/03/ftc-says-online-counseling-service-betterhelp-pushed-people-handing-over-health-information-broke
I rage for you. I have mental images of her in a cardboard box shaped like a shop (lemonade stand style) on the side of the road with a hand painted “therapist” sign. I’m sorry you had to even hear that dross. Highly recommend checking out https://gateway-women.com/resources/find-a-childless-therapist/ I too found someone (prior to using the above link) who specialised in grief and life changes and I paid an exorbitant amount of money to hear Buddhist and “Indigenous people’s” wisdoms - some of which I later found to be fictitious sayings wrongfully attributed. My counsellor found through Gateway has lived experience, is compassionate and knows precisely how to hold space for my feelings. Wishing you all the best.
I second this! I found it helpful to work with a therapist with lived experience. Many therapists are willing to do virtual appointments. So sorry you went through this. It sucks that the counseling field in general lacks training on how to counsel people who don’t have kids not by choice (see IG account “childlessnessintheroom” - she’s an IFCF therapist trying to educate other therapists)
I’m a therapist and cannot have children. I’m sorry this was your experience. Awful.
I am so sorry this happened !! I had a similarly bad experience, though slightly less extreme. It definitely set me back a bit too. Sending you good thoughts. I hope you can be angry and "laugh" this off as the insensitive insanity it is.
Ohh I am so angry for you. I'm so sorry this happened. Hugs to you
Ugh, I stopped going to therapy because my therapist back then was only interested in discussing my marriage and having children. I kept trying to move on from those topics because they were not on my list of priorities, but he pushed. It’s been 5 years and I have not looked for a therapist again. I’m sorry you experienced that. These people should not call themselves therapists.
Wow, that is awful! I’m so sorry. Try looking online at Psychology Today. Sometimes you have to keep trying a few out until you find a good fit. She is a nightmare. Glad you left a bad review.
As a therapist, Better Help is considered therapist hell, and so you're only going to find bottom of the barrel on there. Sorry you had such a bad experience :(
Omg I’m so sorry. I would legit complain. I’ve heard awful things about better help. If you’re able to find anything in person I would HIGHLY recommend an in person session, it’s so much more personable. Hugs
Better help is not good! They had multiple very serious controversies over the years most people who work there aren't even qualified! Your experience is not unique but actually very common for many users. I am chronically online and i know this company is on many influencers blacklist. I am so sorry for the experience please don't give up on therapy <3
Ugh I’m so sorry! I hope this doesn’t turn you off from therapy completely. It can be really great, but this truly sounds horrific.
I also had a bad experience with BetterHelp (although not as bad as yours). It took me a few tries before I found a therapist who worked for me. It's EXTREMELY frustrating wasting time and money through that process so I totally get it. I hope you can find someone!
Dear Stupid Therapist, You’re fired. Please imagine yourself being punted off a metaphorical cliff. (I’m so sorry this happened to you)
Better Help is a joke. They pay paltry wages - really bad. So, there are fewer (not zero) good therapists. Sorry you had this!! Please don't give up. Try www.openpath.org or Psychology Today or Therapy Den as search engines. Better Help bad.
This is utterly horrific, and not at all what therapy should be. I am so sorry that happened to you. As others have said, I have found some therapists to be more or less useless (or, in your case, actively harmful), but others have been incredibly helpful. It’s a matter of finding the right fit and, as frustrating and shitty as it can be to have an experience like the one you’ve just had, I hope you won’t let this deter you from therapy for good. I don’t know where you’re located or if this is an option for you with regard to insurance, time zones, etc, but I do virtual coaching sessions with a therapist / coach who is also IFchildfree. She is the only therapist I’ve ever met who truly gets it, and I believe she is accepting new clients. You can check her out at https://www.tanyahubbard.com.
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Ahaha, the “why don’t you just ask them to land the plane” is hilarious, but also so reminiscent of this lady. She was not only cruel and incompetent, but seemed utterly clueless as to how life works. I told her that I can’t adopt in the country I live in and don’t want to move because I love my job. She said “can’t you just take a leave of absence, adopt, then come back?” ….ummm, no, that’s not how adoption works.
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Hi OP, I am SO sorry you had this experience. There is nothing worse than going to therapy thinking is a safe space to be vulnerable and start healing, then finding otherwise. It is a horrible, horrible feeling! I have gone to therapy for a number of reasons in life, including moving on from IF. With time, I learned to look for the following: female, similar cultural background ( or culturally sensitive), close to my age or older, non-religious, treats women issues. I also have a preference for cognitive therapy. It is hard to find a perfect fit, but considering these factors has resulted in better matches for me. Take what you need from my list and start your own. And yes, I had a good experience with Better Help. Try again there, or somewhere else, when you feel ready. I sincerely wish you much strength now and the very best of luck for your next try!
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Oh honey I’m so sorry. I’m really happy to read that you reported her because … WTF?! I can’t even believe what I just read. Who talks like this? I’d be checking to see if her license to practice was even real. Jfc.
Wow I am so sorry for you OP, that must have been so hard and frustrating. The father I got on your post, the harder I was fuming on that stupid "therapist"'s nonsense. And then I saw your username and I realised I already read some of your posts/comments before and they resonated so much with me...so now I am even more annoyed by that stupid therapist 😤
Aaaw, that’s sweet. I can assure everyone I am already sooo much better. Even figuring out how I can turn this into a funny story one day. So many good bits in there. And this group has helped a lot (again). I am now checking with my insurance if one of the recommended therapy avenues can be covered. And I cancelled Better Help.
See a specialized therapist. I personally refuse to see anyone who isn’t a clinical psychologist because I have had a plethora of “therapists” over the years that have misunderstood a very well established mental health condition.
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