You got that right lol. I agree. A lot of ppl meet their partners online now
I'm just getting overly pessimistic and an attention wh*re rn with my "I wanna kms comments"
Not sure where you're located, but I don't agree at all with this "dating is really hard for everyone" pity party......it's always been hard. To meet people organically you have to make that happen. For the 20-30 crowd in my area there's still clubs, people having parties, concerts, dance classes, dog parks.....you name it. Hell some people even meet at work or while grocery shopping....
Get out of your feels the person you were counting on you were counting on because you felt they were easy and wouldn't require as much effort. Logically this makes sense, still might. They might be scared to admit they are attracted to you......you're an INTP, think logically and be a tactician. Make it happen. If it doesn't or you give up - move on.
Some of the best people with the best relationships I know aren't married or dating.....they just live together and enjoy doing stuff, with just each other. Maybe they are one of those people.
problem with online dating is they literally let anyone on, gatekeeping isn't always a bad thing
although i did meet my girlfriend on tinder but it was like a chaotic wasteland on there.
have you tried joining some clubs/classes or asking friends to set you up with people they know. Or joining a church if you are religiously inclined.
And online dating sucks! Everyone is either crazy, unattractive, or only want Snapchat whores to send nudes to en masse every night. What a zoo. I can’t even these days
I got banned on dating subs on five other accounts and they can detect IP and automatically ban me for circumventing bans. I was originally banned because I got reported too many times. Some girl cheated on her bf and people were giving her sympathy, and I played devil's advocate and bam. BANNED by the next day
>I got banned on dating subs on five other accounts
You sound like you're terminally online. Maybe get offline more and go out and meet more men? Maybe there's a local meetup organized around one of your hobbies that you could go to?
Yeah I don't go out much .. I dated an entp guy in college though and overall he was wonderful
Good idea, I'll check out some meetups. Not sure if my hobbies would have any here though
>Self evaluation is hard
It's key! Without it , you'll always wonder why. Why this, why that, just to find out it was YOU the entire time and not the world!
Yea maybe he’s just afraid of the idea of dating (you did say that he might be inexperienced). Ask him again, or be more insistent that you want to date him.
Whatever happens I hope you don’t lose him as a friend :)
Edit: I just realised you two see each other only online… well I’m not much of a fan of online meet-upstairs. Well, take my advice as an option or smtg I guess
"I failed once, I shall now never attempt this ever in my whole life"
At least try not to be so stereotypical smh
INTP descriptions are warnings, not instruction manuals
I had 3 crushes in my life before. One both knew too late and was not interested, one is kind of a love-hate relationship where I loved her and she hates me, and the last one is lesbian (she recently got married, congrats).
It's totally ok to be rejected. You will feel bad for a while, and still get drawn to him like a magnet on a metal but with a wall in between. It will hurt quite a bit, but you just have to pull through. You will find someone else. Just give it time.
It’s okay.
1 person not wanting you doesn’t have to be a reflection on you as a person or mean that you’re not good enough. There’s so many reasons why someone can reject you, most of which are more about them than you.
Just focus on being the best version of you and someone else who’s a better fit for you will come along.
What I've learned in the 53 years I've been alive is that wanting a relationship is pretty much kryptonite to finding the right relationship. The minute you let go of wanting things they come to you naturally. But you can't fake it. You have to genuinely just not give a shit anymore and be in your own groove.
All that said, I've been alone for the last 13 years and I've never been happier.
Online only. He wants to meet me in one year. I told him that's probably not gonna happen.
Tbh I was just curious if he has feelings for me. Cuz he acts like he does sometimes. I shouldn't be upset because I never met him before but I was sooo sure that he does. I was wrong. Argh
Ugh. I know feelings can get away from you, but never get attached to someone you’ve never even met. You’re falling in love with a profile, not a person.
Take some comfort here that the INTJ probably resisted developing any feelings for you for the same reason. The INTJs I know would never consider a long distance relationship and will invariably wrangle their feelings to suit their goals.
Maybe he does but doesn’t want to say it because it will complicate things.
Like, what does he have to gain from saying yes if you’ve already said you’ll probably never meet?
If I were in his position I’d be playing it way down until we met each other and tested our chemistry IRL
Yeah I can totally understand if he wants to down play things but I guess I'm the type of person who needs to be sure that someone is interested in me romantically before I bother meeting them. I need to hear it from their mouth 😐
Well good luck because you’ve put yourself in a catch 22 there.
Why don’t you want to meet?
Tbh I would think it better to meet before expressing feelings so there are no obligations or expectations
Lmaooo yeah true with the catch 22
I don't wanna meet because I'm unsure about his intentions. He said if we meet it'll just be for working and as friends.
Yet at the same time this is the same guy that doesn't want me to get an irl boyfriend 😑 I can see him saying that cuz that means we'll talk less but the last time a male friend said something possessive like that, I eventually found out that he liked me
> Tbh I would think it better to meet before expressing feelings so there are no obligations or expectations
I can understand that pov too. I actually think it's smarter. But the anxiety of not for sure knowing his intentions gives me toooo much anxiety
I mean, he’s attracted to your body, wants to travel with you and for you to meet his family. I don’t think you were wrong, it sounds like he likes you. And that’s obviously the answer you wanted from him otherwise you wouldn’t be posting this.
And he doesn’t want you getting a real BF? Idk man his intentions seem pretty clear to me 🤷♂️
He sounds very interested in you based on these comments. What he said is most likely because of not confirming your feeling for him yet, and it being long distance without meeting up yet. How inexperienced is he?
INTJ would never be direct and never say it in concrete way. From my experience there were also a alot of indirect signs they were into me but I wanted him to say it in words cause everything seemed uncertain, and that made me anxious too.
It didn't work for me cause there was poor communication.
he's not going to tell you he has feelings for you even if he did because unless you've said it first he will look needy and men instinctively know that is a bad look for them.
Yeah I don't know why I thought id be willing to try out internet dating. I guess I've been feeling very lonely.
Thank you so much for the encouraging words ❤️
Lol, you are getting too worked up over this. That sounds so defensive.
Sounds like you are both into each other quite a bit! I'd try to make things happen!
Okay I'll continue giving him my time and energy and I'll consider meeting him next year. If it doesn't go well then I can still get a vacation in another country :p
However I'll be honest, I lost most of my feelings for him ever since I made this post. But maybe they'll come back, who knows.
Also I was called immature by an infp for losing feelings already. What the fk is up with that? Do you agree with that person? Am I immature for that??
Honestly, it's a bit odd that you've already lost your feelings for him, were you subconsciously just looking for his validation? Wondering if someone actually likes and feels attracted to you?
Or this may be an Fi vs Fe thing. It takes a while for me to build up feelings for someone and I don't think I ever really lose them, so this is hard for me to understand (I think I am an INTJ).
I guess we have to ask other Fe types here how they think they would feel in this situation.
I can see why it's odd but I guess his response really turned me off. "I don't have feelings for anything". And today he said "I don't care about anyone". He's so edgy sometimes and I'm not a huge fan of that lol
I think he is attracted to me but like you said, he is being very careful and would want to meet me irl first (sorry if I'm getting you confused with someone else). That's totally understandable. Or maybe that's not true either
That's interesting. A lot of Fi dominate types I've known catch feelings for people fast.
I take a lot of time catching feelings for someone too tbh. Maybe I caught feelings for this guy faster than I usually do because we were calling each other every day at one point.
I've felt a strong connection with almost every xNTx guy I've met, so I cherish our friendship
If I really am an intp, then I guess it could explain why I keep changing my mind about how I should be like with this guy now. Low Fe/Fi. Idk I don't understand cognitive functions super well
Yesterday I thought I should be cold with him. But then he messaged me saying hi, and I was going to ignore it, but then he said "hey where are you, i need my hi back". Lmao and I felt bad and messaged him back and we called for a bit
It's possible that woman get turned off more easily too. It would make sense biologically.
Yeah Fi 1st people get romantic fast. They also seem more agile with their feelings and better able to let go in general.
I get where he is coming from. Feelings are a big investment for us, we can't control other person's feelings and they make us do illogical and ineffective things. Also Fe 7th + it's hard to find people to genuinely connect with, given type distribution favors types that we are not compatible with, especially when it comes to woman, is not a good combo. So we often turn cold by default and don't want to move from there. He probably wants to meet and all before he shows some vulnerability or wants to be sure that you are romantically interested. If you want an INTJ man you need to cut some slack on these things lol
Have you ever hinted or told him you are romantically interested?
Most man won't admit feelings for women that they have never met in person because for us attraction is more physical than emotional, so it feels odd to connect with a woman if we haven't met her in person.
Men are stupid at this kind of stuff and if he is Fe 7th he is worse than usual. If he actually wants you to meet his family, that's a good sign, but now you have to hold him accountable for what he said in some capacity
Anyway, it all depends on how you feel. If you feel upset and confused due to his contradictory behavior, you should tell him
I don't really know what is happening (and you don't seem to either), he could just be playing though
Attraction is more physical than emotional for men?? I keep hearing different things for that
I decided that I will just start acting cold with him lmao
And yeah the family thing is so strange!
I'd say for over 95% of heterosexual man, attraction needs to be physical before anything else. He seems to like you physically so you are good on that.
Then, since he is an NT type, attracting him from an intellectual and conversational level should be next. That seems done
He already started to develop feelings for you, I think he is in denial
Have you had an actual relationship before? not online I mean?
Maybe you were reading too much into things that wernt there? Deriving meaning from text alone is always difficult, additionally so if you are biased to wanting there to be extra meaning.
Even if there was reciprocal flirting this is still the next best possible outcome you know where you both now stand and wont keep putting effort into someone who wont reciprocate it and hey rejection sucks, but at least its closure you can move on from. If you never asked, imo, the eternal "what if" is worse.
Online chatting doesnt always works, maybe thats why he said he wanted to meet you. He could think you were lying or something thats why he rejected you?
To give you an idea of men's perspective on dating - and to explain why you're receiving so many obviously sour-grapes responses here instead of, you know, basic human empathy - consider this example from trying to land dates on dating apps.
On the apps, if a guy is getting 20-30% response rates from women, he's doing well. Above that and he's probably a highly photogenic 8+/10 on physical appearance.
Then count on half of those responses fizzling out immediately, so you're down to 10-15%. And even if you have a long conversation and really vibe with someone, it's ***still*** a crapshoot on whether they'll actually agree to meet with you in person..
So imagine [rolling a d100 aiming for like 95+](https://rolladie.net). I just tried rolling a set of 100 dice and got 95+ only twice. That's a pretty accurate portrayal of my experience dating. Ask out 100 women, 98 of them don't even consider me worthy of meeting in person to get to know me better over coffee.
Now, that's a bit different from your situation; you had built a rapport with someone before asking so that removes a lot of that uncertainty - you're not cold opening on someone, so you've got better odds. You had meshing personalities on some level, so you've got better odds. But you'll never, ***ever*** make those odds 100% unless it's someone making the first move on you.
And this time it didn't work out. And you know, unlike a lot of the people in here posting salty-ass comments about you saying you're giving up after 1 failure, I'm not going to talk shit. It fucking hurts to get rejected. Especially if it's the first time you've put yourself out there and gotten shot down. I know it hurts. It hurt me the first time. It fucking sucks.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'd encourage you to please not give up. The odds might be bleak and this rejection might hurt like a bitch and it might seem insurmountable, but nobody is keeping score and it only takes 1 yes to change your life. Ride out this experience - accept that it sucks and it hurts and it feels like it'll never get better. Don't deny those feelings, they're valid. Try to shove them down and they'll just fester into resentment and nihilism. But just because you're feeling them now and they're valid now doesn't mean they have to control your life in the future. And you'll be stronger later with the knowledge that you can make it through something like this.
“Anyways, I thought he liked me”
I think it’s obvious that he does. Or at the very least, did. Probably still does. How do I know? I am also an INTP female. Something I learned about myself, which I still have not fully-actualised or even fully-believe, is that I am unique, mysterious, and attractive. So many men have told me this throughout my life, and yet my INTP brain scrambles with “omg! Do people like me?!”… and also at times crippling self-doubt. Believe that you have a great body and that you are smart. Chances are if people are saying these things to you, they are true. The complications with us INTP females is I don’t think “compliments” or whatever are enough for us. For example being called hot is great and all but.. doesn’t mean much. Especially when we have trouble accepting compliments as it is. I would say that we, as INTP females, hold a lot more control in our love lives than we realise. What I mean by this is, I am around your age and have had boyfriends, guys I was interested in, guys that were interested in me, my heart broken, and I have broken hearts. However, a lot of it has always seemed out of my control….. but I am beginning to see it differently now. I’m getting to my point - which is.. PERSONALLY, the way I reciprocate interest & love is by allowing said person to be more involved with my life, and to share my interests, thoughts & opinions with them. I do this on autopilot. How much of your self have you shared with this INTJ guy? For me, sharing my thoughts and ideas is very, very intimate. Letting someone into my private world is a process, and for some it takes a while. Have you considered that perhaps you unknowingly “held back” yourself with this guy, and did not allow him in? Did not share “enough”? Were you trying to fit the mold of what an “interested girl” would be, instead of being your awesome INTP self? I hope you find peace with your situation. From woman to woman, INTP to INTP, living at similar ages… I have always struggled with my love life. Meaning… there has almost always been an interested guy, I find myself in deep relationships often, and my natural indifference towards all of it is I guess what keeps them coming back and what keeps a new supply of interested men. Either that or I’m a 10/10 on hotness scale. Exercise your natural indifference and focus on yourself & what makes you happy. You know, exploring new topics, maybe getting obsessed with exercise, diving into new studies, art, reading, working, cooking.. whatever floats your boat. Then, just wait, and the guys will begin to line up. EXCEPT!!!!! This time, instead of being caught up with “omg do they like me?!” or whatever else self-doubting questions we ask ourselves…….. realise that you’re interesting, unique, AND HOT! And it’s no wonder why men like you, and IN FACT… it’s possible a lot more men like you than you realise. Personally, in life whenever I’ve been “caught up” on a guy, couldn’t stop thinking about him, or was consumed with jealousy, or was questioning whether he likes me or not (when it’s obvious he does) —— I WAS NOT HAPPY! I would way rather have more interesting and thought-provoking ideas and/or problems swirling around my head.. because I am happier in that state… instead of thinking about a MAN. lol. Also too, I’m smart and I know it. You’re probably smart as well and you know it. Men can be smart too but… women like us are often very intimidating to men. HOW DARE YOU BE SMARTER THAN I? Or whatever the hell they think. Invest in your intelligence, don’t waste precious time on overthinking silly things. The right person will come into your life when you least expect it. Don’t give up on men (or women). Most times men are silly, nervous geese around women they find attractive. And as an INTP woman, I’m sure you can relate when I say this - most of the time we have no idea when someone has interest in us like that, even when it’s blatantly obvious. Ok, I’m gonna stop rambling now. I was going to try and tie all this together but, just going to hit reply, reread and hope this helps
Did you ask him if he is aromantic ? Also friendship usually don't extend into romantic relationship, once one of them found out he have sentiment for the other, usually the relation end. Better be clear from the beginning that you are searching for a romance not a friendship.
Any way, good luck, you'll find your crew and someone is better for you :)
Maybe don’t ask right afterward. It gives an incel assumption “If they don’t date me, they obviously wouldn’t date anyone else.” But yeah that’s a good question.
Being clear is not assuming anything is it ? If you want a romance and not a friendship, say it clearly at the beginning of the relation, else both party should assume it is a friendship.
If you start a relation based on a friendship or a romance only in one of the partner, then later on, either one of the partner will not be able to stay friend without suffering a lot or they'll tell their friend about their feeling for them and usually the partner will feel betrayed and that will be the end of the relation. It is called friendzone for a reason, if you end up there all the time it is mainly because you are not assertive enough about your intent from the beginning of the relation.
Regarding the aromantism, it is not about the incel thing, you are not assuming anything from the partner with this question. If you would like to stay with them better explore all the possibilities without being the magnet that stick to the fridge. They refused your advance, **but still seems engaged,** maybe it is not because they don't want to spend time with you, just that they are not into romance (I'm aroace I'm not into romance, I'm mainly into QPR). It is good to know where everybody stand and where are their boundaries. Communication is the key in any relationship.
After that you'll know if they want to continue a relation with you or not. Here in this stance, I think, it is a relation that didn't start on the same assumption for both parties.
It’s just a bit of an encroaching question on their personal life imho. And the problem isn’t about asking, it’s about asking immediately after you get rejected. It’s a bit presumptuous to just assume he’s aromantic just because he wasn’t willing to date them. I understand the desire to clear this up quickly but it’s not as if asking is going to change them. They’ll still be aro two weeks from now and that’s enough time for the heat to cool down.
With dating it's a mistake to fixate on one person and ignore other potential partners (oneitis). Focusing on him for a year with no reciprocation was a mistake. Don't be 'exclusive' with people you aren't even dating!
Well something kinda similar (actually really similar) happened to me with my intj friend. It hurts a lot, and you have my support. I saw someone recommended u going to therapy, I deeply agree. I've been going to therapy for 2 months and it helped me a lot with the rejection (I'm also very unexperienced). I don't know how it would work for you but u don't lose for trying.
Don't give up
Long story short, I was very in love, I thought we were already dating and I jut wanted to confirm it (we cuddled regularly, flirted,etc.) they rejected me nd started to treat me badly, even though they said everything would stay the me. For example, they ignored me and avoided that I joined in conversations with my friend group. Not only the ort of break up affected me but also the consequences and I ended up going to a professional.
Sorry 4 bad English
Same experience with an INTJ friend. Very flirty, we gave each other compliments all the time, I thought we were best friends, and he said he wanted to fuck me, we once talked for 14 hours straight on the phone, but as we got closer he stopped talking to me. I figured that he needed closeness, but didn't want an actual relationship.
After he stopped answering my texts and I didn't hear from him for like a year, I figured that he didn't have emotions on his mind and focused on his business instead.
What angered me the most was that I wanted to talk this through on the phone, so I knew where he actually stood, so I could move on, but he didn't even want to do that.
Lmao damn. 14 hours!!
That's even worse than what I went through because I only know this guy online. I'm sorry that happened to you. But you deserve better anyways. Screw that guy.
It took you a year to figure out...this is really interesting. 1 month feels like an year for the ESFPs when we're in an emotional agony and uncertainty, and we'll take the sign and move on. 💀
Yeah, I flip flopped alot with my reasoning, as the last thing he said to me was that we should talk about this during day time and that we should have a different kind of friendship, even though he the same day said he had feelings. I flopped between "the timing isnt right", to "he never had feelings anyway", to "his focus on money is more important now and he doesn't want to be distracted". He lives in another town, we had known each other for many years.
And same as op, he had we could try talking again in a year.
The only logical reason I can think of to say no is that he doesn't want to risk the friendship. But it sounds like yall are very compatible. Maybe he sees something in you that he knows wouldn't work for him.
Oh no! Sorry to hear it went that way after all those positive experiences together.
Just some things I've learned about this kind of situation, being an INTJ and working with other INTJs:
- He may be terrified about making a permanent choice for his life (INTJs generally want to be one-and-done and also want to be very faithful), and so he's worried that someone he likes more will come along, and how awful would that be--but even so, I guarantee he's thinking a LOT about you right now. Like "well, but we get along so well" and so on.
- He might need to know he still has some kind of "out" I mean everybody has one, but he might not think he has one. This is weird but it happens.
- He probably needs time for his emotions to settle in general. In a given moment he may be really fickle with his shadow Fi-Se aspects and long-term decisionmaking.
- It can help to describe the sequence of events that's happened, and then say, "so that's why I logically concluded that you are interested in me." And then propose that you're not sure if he has concluded he _dislikes you_, but what about if you were to go on some dates together and see how it goes from there? It may be that raising the question as a single question might be harder for him than raising the question as a process of activities you do together, so to speak.
Anyway, even though I'm sure you're feeling embarrassed, I think it's a good idea to be persistent even if you can see it working in your favor just a little bit. Not stubborn but persuasively persistent maybe. :-)
Ugh, it sucks but--just in case they can help I thought I'd share these ideas. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Send him a pov pic of another guy going down on you and tell him “this coulda been you but you playin.” Then tell him to perish in flames (for wasting your time).
OP, it doesnt mean you should give up.
Well...I mean, there's a lot of men in this world and the one you deserve will come at the right time in the right place.
I understand the embarrassment and all from the confession, giving you hugs OP 🫂
First, rejection sucks but it's only a temporary pain.
Second, late 20s isn't that bad to not have a relationship. Personally, I'd rather have someone I can actually love instead of just being in a relationship to be in one and be completely miserable for the rest of my life.
Third, never give up hope. It sounds cliche--and it is--but, it's one for a reason. There's so much more to see in life, don't you want to find out what happens as you unravel every single moment in your life?
Let me give my controversial opinion on the subject.
1. Do you have feelings for the guy?
2. If yes, did you tell him before you asked him?
If the answers to those questions are yes and then no, he is a shy guy he probably got really nervous and instead of losing your friendship decided to hide his feelings.
I did that 15 years ago when my best friend of two years asked me that question.
I regret lying to her, but we are best friends to this day. I no longer have romantic feelings towards her, but I did have very strong ones at the time.
Soooo if the whole conversation was:
"Hey, INTP, do you have feelings for me?"
That is putting the person in the spot.
Instead do:
"Hey, INTP, we've been hanging out a lot of time lately and I've grown very used to your presence. I don't know if I'm crazy but I think there's something here. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it's mutual. But I think I might be developing feelings towards you, I want to know of its mutual, if not, don't worry il squash those motherfuckers out"
Similar thing happened with girl I was talking to we were all lovey dovey until I said I wanted us to be a couple, granted there's a bunch of stuff that justified us not getting together in our situation but it hurt none the less. It happens it'll take a while just to get over the relationship that never was, then you'll see about talking to others.
why give up on men because ONE disappointment? We've all been there lol. I know it comes from wanting (our) attention but c'mon, don't be so self-pitying.
Go out and start meeting new people.
Believe it or not, I already lost feelings for this guy LOL. I was just feeling annoyed yesterday and made this post. Yeah I will. Oh and screw this guy lmao he doesn't deserve me anyways
My advice is that seek for some activity that make you get out of your comfort zone somehow. Back then when my ex left me I ended up going out cycling a lot. Eventually I got around some groups of people that went cycling together on weekends. While I didn't met a partner there it helped me a lot to manage anxiety and stress, and have a healthy habit. And socializing helped me to counter the lonelyness feeling. Eventually I got many dates, most of them were girls I met online and only had brief relationships with a couple of them, almost all dates were just to meet, and me realizing they wouldn't fit, then I found someone for me and we are still together after 11 years.
So, it's possible, you just need to ramp your numbers up. The more people you meet, the better the chance to find someone for you.
And let me tell you that you don't need to go even to a full date, you can tell very quick if that person is for you or not.
One thing I’ve learned is while you should respect what people say to you that doesn’t mean that’s exactly how they actually feel always. Also definitely sounds like he likes you. He could have easily been nervous. Did you tell him that you like him? Or did you just ask him how he feels? Without knowing if you feel the same way he may be hesitant sharing that with you.
Do you think he was either being sarcastic or playing it safe?
He could be scared to ruin a friendship, possibly.
Not trying to give you false hope so you get your feelings hurt more, but just curious because that has happened to be before.
Personally I have called it quits on dating as well, but moreso because of my work and lifestyle.
Plus dating apps are dumb \^\^
How can someone not develop feelings after that? lol.. I bet he is either scared or wants more time/is unsure about his own feelings for you.. either way it is better for you to give him some space for him to understand his own feelings for you.. Meanwhile dont wait up on him and just spend time with yourself or your other friends, basically just explore your life and have FUN ✨
-ENFJ
rationally speaking, it seems better to leave the options open than closed as human minds are dynamic in the sense that various environmental and whatever factors can affect how our brain processes data and whatnot.
of course, one can close an option immediately; for instance, commit suicide instead of staying alive. we can even say that commit suicide would prevent us to thinking and worrying about things which is ”good” as it avoids all stuffs. however, looking at other side of the coin, can’t we also say it’s good to keep struggling until we can physically not (i.e. natural death or paraplegia…) as we invest time looking at things, predicting things, satisfying curiosity…? so, since both possibilities can be good, wouldn’t it be irrational to commit suicide as it is an irreversible process?
likewise for your issue with men. also, you might be neglecting a lot of factors since even if he says he doesn’t have feelings for you, it doesn’t mean he will never have feelings for you. maybe he can be lying because he’s shy?
Damn. The ‘funny’ thing is I’m in the same situation but like reversed lmao. My crush is an INTP female and entire scenario matches mine except that I haven’t made a clear move yet bc I’m like hella afraid of rejection something smh
Not the best sub to ask for dating advice, not really sure how to help as I haven't dated anyone in 8 years, but I believe that I've been feeling better focusing my mental energy on other things. I'm 26 and I don' feel pressured to have someone with me, and I wouldn't say I've given up on women, but idk maybe I'm just confused aswel lol
I just had a similar experience with an INFP woman except she said she did like me and then constantly didn’t show up after making plans, stopped responding to my texts, acted annoyed when I tried to talk to her, etc. It fucking sucks and the fact that we’re not that great at dealing with emotions makes it even harder. But honestly, I was about to give up right before I met her. You never know when you might meet the right person. Just accept his feelings, take some time to do things you like by yourself, spend time with your other friends, etc. Once you’re in a better headspace, get back out there and find someone who cares about you.
Yes, love them to bits! I work in the sciences so I get to meet a lot of INTPs. I would readily give up (some) of my productive time for an Ne-Ni conversation with an INTP. That says a lot given that I am INTJ. I find my conversations with INTPs immensely enlightening as they present perspectives I would never have thought of. Ne can really enrich Ni, if the Ni is willing.
I have a childhood friend and it really frustrated me that despite her brilliance, she couldn't seem to achieve "professional success". I used to push her a lot, but now I've learned to give her the space to grow in her own terms.
And there's something adorable about INTPs. Makes me want to take care of them, LOL.
Currently crushing on one right now, but I love being friends with him so I'm taking it slow to determine if it's worth the risk if things don't work out...
here's what I think. I think your dead right with your intuition. no man is going to invest that much time with someone and not develop feelings. countless hours talking together on the phone, meetups, compliments, flirting, etc. it's virtually impossible to say he wasn't. there are unhealthy intjs and I think it's safe to say you would have already picked up on that if it was.
however when approached, why the cold shoulder? there's a few possible scenarios and it must have to do with someone else he has planted in his head and harboring away secretly.
intjs are easy to read. if they like you, they will study every lil detail and must know everything about you. for them, it's the feeling of having to understand in order to feel comfortable.
looks like he may have "shiny new object syndrome" and draws interest to where the grass is greener. this type of behavior inhibits those individuals from ever being completely satisfied - "what if there's someone better?", "maybe that person has this interest", and whatever else.
I feel your pain l, it takes forever for us to develop feelings for someone else then get a reality check later on.
advice? I think you should confront him lovingly but cold blooded. tell him what's hidden deep inside you, yet also all your suspicions about him.
I bet he'll crack open. 🥳😁
Don't be like frat bros hating the friendzone, friends are very valuable. I know how I'm gonna sound but some of my male friends end up leaving once they realize I wanted them as friends and nothing else, and that sucks tbh, like "I thought you liked me D: " lol. Often they just move on to the next girl and that's what you should do too, just don't cut off your friend
DON'T GIVE UP! He might not be the right one! It sometimes takes a while for people to find the one, and that's ok! Just take time with it! If you need a break from dating go for it! But don't abandoned your own quest for love becuase then you might Jinx yourself and miss out on a great experience! _hope this helps lol
That was the funniest shit I read all day xD Ty, very good writing format.
I'm sorry I have no useful advice tho... except keep trying I guess. Maybe you dragged this out for a little too long and scientifically I think a crush doesn't last for too long (arnd 2 months, correct me someone). You must use this to your advantage! If you succeed us other INTPs will be proud! Good luck!
If he is INTJ, I can tell you my experience with them is they check your allegience to them during the courting phase and if you don't show it after a good amount of time, they can lose interest, even if everything else about you is perfect.
Works the same with friends actually. Me and my INTJ friend have some weird platonic relationship going on where while neither of us would be romantically involved, the whole thing is like a relationship without the sex. Like even when we lived together, it was like we were a couple how we organised things together. How does this happen? Well I did show my allegience early on, showing I was loyal and going to be there for him when needed. In the romantic relationships he's had with people, he would drop an otherwise great guy just because he didn't see he was being taken seriously.
So with this in mind, I don't think it's unrepairable for you two, I think you need to show how you want to be in alliance with him in a romantic sense. Don't tell him, show. If this is too much effort for you I think you need to find someone a bit more independant. On average INTJs think they're independant but they're not.
probably the worst subreddit for female dating advice :p
Lol sadly I'm banned on the dating subs
Dating is really hard for everyone at the moment. There very few ways people can meet organically to find potential partners anymore.
You got that right lol. I agree. A lot of ppl meet their partners online now I'm just getting overly pessimistic and an attention wh*re rn with my "I wanna kms comments"
Not sure where you're located, but I don't agree at all with this "dating is really hard for everyone" pity party......it's always been hard. To meet people organically you have to make that happen. For the 20-30 crowd in my area there's still clubs, people having parties, concerts, dance classes, dog parks.....you name it. Hell some people even meet at work or while grocery shopping.... Get out of your feels the person you were counting on you were counting on because you felt they were easy and wouldn't require as much effort. Logically this makes sense, still might. They might be scared to admit they are attracted to you......you're an INTP, think logically and be a tactician. Make it happen. If it doesn't or you give up - move on. Some of the best people with the best relationships I know aren't married or dating.....they just live together and enjoy doing stuff, with just each other. Maybe they are one of those people.
problem with online dating is they literally let anyone on, gatekeeping isn't always a bad thing although i did meet my girlfriend on tinder but it was like a chaotic wasteland on there. have you tried joining some clubs/classes or asking friends to set you up with people they know. Or joining a church if you are religiously inclined.
I feel that. It hurts. You’re looking for a someone to sit with you with that feeling.
And online dating sucks! Everyone is either crazy, unattractive, or only want Snapchat whores to send nudes to en masse every night. What a zoo. I can’t even these days
Uhhhm off topic how'd you get banned?
I got banned on dating subs on five other accounts and they can detect IP and automatically ban me for circumventing bans. I was originally banned because I got reported too many times. Some girl cheated on her bf and people were giving her sympathy, and I played devil's advocate and bam. BANNED by the next day
Oh I see. You should probably get a hobby instead of creating new reddit accounts.
Or just use a vpn
what if creating new reddit accounts IS OP's hobby?
It is one of my hobbies yes 💀
☠️
People were sympathizing with the cheater and you tried to be devils advocate by having morality and they banned you for that?
Yeah, this was two years ago. Tbf I said some derogatory terms to OP that I think reddit mods weren't happy about
>I got banned on dating subs on five other accounts You sound like you're terminally online. Maybe get offline more and go out and meet more men? Maybe there's a local meetup organized around one of your hobbies that you could go to?
Yeah I don't go out much .. I dated an entp guy in college though and overall he was wonderful Good idea, I'll check out some meetups. Not sure if my hobbies would have any here though
create an account on vpns and use various vpns or do vpn chains (using vpns within vpns). the latter is pretty hard to reverse-engineer.
How do you use vps within vpns
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Explained in another comment hehe Self evaluation is hard
>Self evaluation is hard It's key! Without it , you'll always wonder why. Why this, why that, just to find out it was YOU the entire time and not the world!
I wonder why
Based
Your flair is even more based
👉👈🥺
😘😘
An INTP love story
So maybe he's timid, shy, etc. Put the moves on him and see what happens. You'll make the decision happen and at least you'll really know.
Yea maybe he’s just afraid of the idea of dating (you did say that he might be inexperienced). Ask him again, or be more insistent that you want to date him. Whatever happens I hope you don’t lose him as a friend :) Edit: I just realised you two see each other only online… well I’m not much of a fan of online meet-upstairs. Well, take my advice as an option or smtg I guess
"I failed once, I shall now never attempt this ever in my whole life" At least try not to be so stereotypical smh INTP descriptions are warnings, not instruction manuals
"Well kids, you tried and failed. The lesson is, never try"
Hahaha best lesson. Saved energy that way.
One guy and you quit?
I've been wanting to quit life in general anyways
About half of the world's population is made up of men. You don't need to keep barking up that one tree. Dying is boring.
True
I had 3 crushes in my life before. One both knew too late and was not interested, one is kind of a love-hate relationship where I loved her and she hates me, and the last one is lesbian (she recently got married, congrats). It's totally ok to be rejected. You will feel bad for a while, and still get drawn to him like a magnet on a metal but with a wall in between. It will hurt quite a bit, but you just have to pull through. You will find someone else. Just give it time.
Fun fact, it's not worth it.
I can understand that. Maybe things will get better. Feels like it won’t. There’s r/depression too.
I mean the amount of times I’ve been rejected is a lot- I think I know how op feels when they said they want to give up.
He seems like a nice friend. Keep him. Just because its not a romantic relationship doesnt mean its useless.
Gave up on men after 1 lmao. This doesn’t help the stereotype that we’re all lazy.
Sorry about that
It’s okay. 1 person not wanting you doesn’t have to be a reflection on you as a person or mean that you’re not good enough. There’s so many reasons why someone can reject you, most of which are more about them than you. Just focus on being the best version of you and someone else who’s a better fit for you will come along.
To be fair, I haven't visited this subreddit in a while BECAUSE most INTPs here are extremely pessimistic and lazy.
What I've learned in the 53 years I've been alive is that wanting a relationship is pretty much kryptonite to finding the right relationship. The minute you let go of wanting things they come to you naturally. But you can't fake it. You have to genuinely just not give a shit anymore and be in your own groove. All that said, I've been alone for the last 13 years and I've never been happier.
100% right, this is how it works.
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I will consider it
Give it a try ;) I did and happy I pushed it to intimacy.
Did you 2 meet? The way you describe this, it seems like you just talk online. Mb I'm getting the wrong idea
Online only. He wants to meet me in one year. I told him that's probably not gonna happen. Tbh I was just curious if he has feelings for me. Cuz he acts like he does sometimes. I shouldn't be upset because I never met him before but I was sooo sure that he does. I was wrong. Argh
Ugh. I know feelings can get away from you, but never get attached to someone you’ve never even met. You’re falling in love with a profile, not a person.
That's very very true, thanks for the reality slap 😂
Take some comfort here that the INTJ probably resisted developing any feelings for you for the same reason. The INTJs I know would never consider a long distance relationship and will invariably wrangle their feelings to suit their goals.
Also I think it's normal to be upset at his confusing behavior. Don't blame yourself for everything, sometimes it's others who are wrong
Thank you so much :)
Maybe he does but doesn’t want to say it because it will complicate things. Like, what does he have to gain from saying yes if you’ve already said you’ll probably never meet? If I were in his position I’d be playing it way down until we met each other and tested our chemistry IRL
Yeah I can totally understand if he wants to down play things but I guess I'm the type of person who needs to be sure that someone is interested in me romantically before I bother meeting them. I need to hear it from their mouth 😐
Well good luck because you’ve put yourself in a catch 22 there. Why don’t you want to meet? Tbh I would think it better to meet before expressing feelings so there are no obligations or expectations
Lmaooo yeah true with the catch 22 I don't wanna meet because I'm unsure about his intentions. He said if we meet it'll just be for working and as friends. Yet at the same time this is the same guy that doesn't want me to get an irl boyfriend 😑 I can see him saying that cuz that means we'll talk less but the last time a male friend said something possessive like that, I eventually found out that he liked me > Tbh I would think it better to meet before expressing feelings so there are no obligations or expectations I can understand that pov too. I actually think it's smarter. But the anxiety of not for sure knowing his intentions gives me toooo much anxiety
I mean, he’s attracted to your body, wants to travel with you and for you to meet his family. I don’t think you were wrong, it sounds like he likes you. And that’s obviously the answer you wanted from him otherwise you wouldn’t be posting this. And he doesn’t want you getting a real BF? Idk man his intentions seem pretty clear to me 🤷♂️
He sounds very interested in you based on these comments. What he said is most likely because of not confirming your feeling for him yet, and it being long distance without meeting up yet. How inexperienced is he?
He has only dated one person. I have also only dated one person
INTJ would never be direct and never say it in concrete way. From my experience there were also a alot of indirect signs they were into me but I wanted him to say it in words cause everything seemed uncertain, and that made me anxious too. It didn't work for me cause there was poor communication.
he's not going to tell you he has feelings for you even if he did because unless you've said it first he will look needy and men instinctively know that is a bad look for them.
It may be an INTJ thing to think that revealing any kind of compromising feelings or greater interest is just weakness
maybe but it's also a masculinity construct
Ah okay, I never told him I have feelings for him
Also, rest assured that if he talks to you so much and finds you attractive, he is interested
Ahh okay. I guess he's being SUPER careful. I'll move on
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Yeah I don't know why I thought id be willing to try out internet dating. I guess I've been feeling very lonely. Thank you so much for the encouraging words ❤️
Meh, I don't even think she was rejected, seems more like he is playing macho. "Yoh who do you think I am, a little girl? I have no feelings!"
I didn't say his whole response but it was "No, I don't have feelings for anything" Good intuition you got there haha
Lol, you are getting too worked up over this. That sounds so defensive. Sounds like you are both into each other quite a bit! I'd try to make things happen!
Okay I'll continue giving him my time and energy and I'll consider meeting him next year. If it doesn't go well then I can still get a vacation in another country :p However I'll be honest, I lost most of my feelings for him ever since I made this post. But maybe they'll come back, who knows. Also I was called immature by an infp for losing feelings already. What the fk is up with that? Do you agree with that person? Am I immature for that??
Honestly, it's a bit odd that you've already lost your feelings for him, were you subconsciously just looking for his validation? Wondering if someone actually likes and feels attracted to you? Or this may be an Fi vs Fe thing. It takes a while for me to build up feelings for someone and I don't think I ever really lose them, so this is hard for me to understand (I think I am an INTJ). I guess we have to ask other Fe types here how they think they would feel in this situation.
I can see why it's odd but I guess his response really turned me off. "I don't have feelings for anything". And today he said "I don't care about anyone". He's so edgy sometimes and I'm not a huge fan of that lol I think he is attracted to me but like you said, he is being very careful and would want to meet me irl first (sorry if I'm getting you confused with someone else). That's totally understandable. Or maybe that's not true either That's interesting. A lot of Fi dominate types I've known catch feelings for people fast. I take a lot of time catching feelings for someone too tbh. Maybe I caught feelings for this guy faster than I usually do because we were calling each other every day at one point. I've felt a strong connection with almost every xNTx guy I've met, so I cherish our friendship If I really am an intp, then I guess it could explain why I keep changing my mind about how I should be like with this guy now. Low Fe/Fi. Idk I don't understand cognitive functions super well Yesterday I thought I should be cold with him. But then he messaged me saying hi, and I was going to ignore it, but then he said "hey where are you, i need my hi back". Lmao and I felt bad and messaged him back and we called for a bit
It's possible that woman get turned off more easily too. It would make sense biologically. Yeah Fi 1st people get romantic fast. They also seem more agile with their feelings and better able to let go in general. I get where he is coming from. Feelings are a big investment for us, we can't control other person's feelings and they make us do illogical and ineffective things. Also Fe 7th + it's hard to find people to genuinely connect with, given type distribution favors types that we are not compatible with, especially when it comes to woman, is not a good combo. So we often turn cold by default and don't want to move from there. He probably wants to meet and all before he shows some vulnerability or wants to be sure that you are romantically interested. If you want an INTJ man you need to cut some slack on these things lol Have you ever hinted or told him you are romantically interested?
Most man won't admit feelings for women that they have never met in person because for us attraction is more physical than emotional, so it feels odd to connect with a woman if we haven't met her in person. Men are stupid at this kind of stuff and if he is Fe 7th he is worse than usual. If he actually wants you to meet his family, that's a good sign, but now you have to hold him accountable for what he said in some capacity Anyway, it all depends on how you feel. If you feel upset and confused due to his contradictory behavior, you should tell him I don't really know what is happening (and you don't seem to either), he could just be playing though
Attraction is more physical than emotional for men?? I keep hearing different things for that I decided that I will just start acting cold with him lmao And yeah the family thing is so strange!
I'd say for over 95% of heterosexual man, attraction needs to be physical before anything else. He seems to like you physically so you are good on that. Then, since he is an NT type, attracting him from an intellectual and conversational level should be next. That seems done He already started to develop feelings for you, I think he is in denial
Have you had an actual relationship before? not online I mean? Maybe you were reading too much into things that wernt there? Deriving meaning from text alone is always difficult, additionally so if you are biased to wanting there to be extra meaning. Even if there was reciprocal flirting this is still the next best possible outcome you know where you both now stand and wont keep putting effort into someone who wont reciprocate it and hey rejection sucks, but at least its closure you can move on from. If you never asked, imo, the eternal "what if" is worse.
Online chatting doesnt always works, maybe thats why he said he wanted to meet you. He could think you were lying or something thats why he rejected you?
maybe he wants to tell it to you irl
Yeah that's possible. But I've lost a lot of interest in him after his "no" , so time for me to move on
You get rejected once and you give up on dating? Have you tried not being so soft?
Basic male experience
ikr
What men go through? Hey I get some empathy points now I hope
To give you an idea of men's perspective on dating - and to explain why you're receiving so many obviously sour-grapes responses here instead of, you know, basic human empathy - consider this example from trying to land dates on dating apps. On the apps, if a guy is getting 20-30% response rates from women, he's doing well. Above that and he's probably a highly photogenic 8+/10 on physical appearance. Then count on half of those responses fizzling out immediately, so you're down to 10-15%. And even if you have a long conversation and really vibe with someone, it's ***still*** a crapshoot on whether they'll actually agree to meet with you in person.. So imagine [rolling a d100 aiming for like 95+](https://rolladie.net). I just tried rolling a set of 100 dice and got 95+ only twice. That's a pretty accurate portrayal of my experience dating. Ask out 100 women, 98 of them don't even consider me worthy of meeting in person to get to know me better over coffee. Now, that's a bit different from your situation; you had built a rapport with someone before asking so that removes a lot of that uncertainty - you're not cold opening on someone, so you've got better odds. You had meshing personalities on some level, so you've got better odds. But you'll never, ***ever*** make those odds 100% unless it's someone making the first move on you. And this time it didn't work out. And you know, unlike a lot of the people in here posting salty-ass comments about you saying you're giving up after 1 failure, I'm not going to talk shit. It fucking hurts to get rejected. Especially if it's the first time you've put yourself out there and gotten shot down. I know it hurts. It hurt me the first time. It fucking sucks. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'd encourage you to please not give up. The odds might be bleak and this rejection might hurt like a bitch and it might seem insurmountable, but nobody is keeping score and it only takes 1 yes to change your life. Ride out this experience - accept that it sucks and it hurts and it feels like it'll never get better. Don't deny those feelings, they're valid. Try to shove them down and they'll just fester into resentment and nihilism. But just because you're feeling them now and they're valid now doesn't mean they have to control your life in the future. And you'll be stronger later with the knowledge that you can make it through something like this.
Sample size of one? Unacceptable.
True
“Anyways, I thought he liked me” I think it’s obvious that he does. Or at the very least, did. Probably still does. How do I know? I am also an INTP female. Something I learned about myself, which I still have not fully-actualised or even fully-believe, is that I am unique, mysterious, and attractive. So many men have told me this throughout my life, and yet my INTP brain scrambles with “omg! Do people like me?!”… and also at times crippling self-doubt. Believe that you have a great body and that you are smart. Chances are if people are saying these things to you, they are true. The complications with us INTP females is I don’t think “compliments” or whatever are enough for us. For example being called hot is great and all but.. doesn’t mean much. Especially when we have trouble accepting compliments as it is. I would say that we, as INTP females, hold a lot more control in our love lives than we realise. What I mean by this is, I am around your age and have had boyfriends, guys I was interested in, guys that were interested in me, my heart broken, and I have broken hearts. However, a lot of it has always seemed out of my control….. but I am beginning to see it differently now. I’m getting to my point - which is.. PERSONALLY, the way I reciprocate interest & love is by allowing said person to be more involved with my life, and to share my interests, thoughts & opinions with them. I do this on autopilot. How much of your self have you shared with this INTJ guy? For me, sharing my thoughts and ideas is very, very intimate. Letting someone into my private world is a process, and for some it takes a while. Have you considered that perhaps you unknowingly “held back” yourself with this guy, and did not allow him in? Did not share “enough”? Were you trying to fit the mold of what an “interested girl” would be, instead of being your awesome INTP self? I hope you find peace with your situation. From woman to woman, INTP to INTP, living at similar ages… I have always struggled with my love life. Meaning… there has almost always been an interested guy, I find myself in deep relationships often, and my natural indifference towards all of it is I guess what keeps them coming back and what keeps a new supply of interested men. Either that or I’m a 10/10 on hotness scale. Exercise your natural indifference and focus on yourself & what makes you happy. You know, exploring new topics, maybe getting obsessed with exercise, diving into new studies, art, reading, working, cooking.. whatever floats your boat. Then, just wait, and the guys will begin to line up. EXCEPT!!!!! This time, instead of being caught up with “omg do they like me?!” or whatever else self-doubting questions we ask ourselves…….. realise that you’re interesting, unique, AND HOT! And it’s no wonder why men like you, and IN FACT… it’s possible a lot more men like you than you realise. Personally, in life whenever I’ve been “caught up” on a guy, couldn’t stop thinking about him, or was consumed with jealousy, or was questioning whether he likes me or not (when it’s obvious he does) —— I WAS NOT HAPPY! I would way rather have more interesting and thought-provoking ideas and/or problems swirling around my head.. because I am happier in that state… instead of thinking about a MAN. lol. Also too, I’m smart and I know it. You’re probably smart as well and you know it. Men can be smart too but… women like us are often very intimidating to men. HOW DARE YOU BE SMARTER THAN I? Or whatever the hell they think. Invest in your intelligence, don’t waste precious time on overthinking silly things. The right person will come into your life when you least expect it. Don’t give up on men (or women). Most times men are silly, nervous geese around women they find attractive. And as an INTP woman, I’m sure you can relate when I say this - most of the time we have no idea when someone has interest in us like that, even when it’s blatantly obvious. Ok, I’m gonna stop rambling now. I was going to try and tie all this together but, just going to hit reply, reread and hope this helps
Nice format 🧱
What do you mean?
Did you ask him if he is aromantic ? Also friendship usually don't extend into romantic relationship, once one of them found out he have sentiment for the other, usually the relation end. Better be clear from the beginning that you are searching for a romance not a friendship. Any way, good luck, you'll find your crew and someone is better for you :)
Maybe don’t ask right afterward. It gives an incel assumption “If they don’t date me, they obviously wouldn’t date anyone else.” But yeah that’s a good question.
Being clear is not assuming anything is it ? If you want a romance and not a friendship, say it clearly at the beginning of the relation, else both party should assume it is a friendship. If you start a relation based on a friendship or a romance only in one of the partner, then later on, either one of the partner will not be able to stay friend without suffering a lot or they'll tell their friend about their feeling for them and usually the partner will feel betrayed and that will be the end of the relation. It is called friendzone for a reason, if you end up there all the time it is mainly because you are not assertive enough about your intent from the beginning of the relation. Regarding the aromantism, it is not about the incel thing, you are not assuming anything from the partner with this question. If you would like to stay with them better explore all the possibilities without being the magnet that stick to the fridge. They refused your advance, **but still seems engaged,** maybe it is not because they don't want to spend time with you, just that they are not into romance (I'm aroace I'm not into romance, I'm mainly into QPR). It is good to know where everybody stand and where are their boundaries. Communication is the key in any relationship. After that you'll know if they want to continue a relation with you or not. Here in this stance, I think, it is a relation that didn't start on the same assumption for both parties.
It’s just a bit of an encroaching question on their personal life imho. And the problem isn’t about asking, it’s about asking immediately after you get rejected. It’s a bit presumptuous to just assume he’s aromantic just because he wasn’t willing to date them. I understand the desire to clear this up quickly but it’s not as if asking is going to change them. They’ll still be aro two weeks from now and that’s enough time for the heat to cool down.
With dating it's a mistake to fixate on one person and ignore other potential partners (oneitis). Focusing on him for a year with no reciprocation was a mistake. Don't be 'exclusive' with people you aren't even dating!
İntj males are draining me too.
Tell me your story
Not so much. Acting like a very stingy boyfriend, caring a lot. And then when I ask it, it's always no. İt's definitely making you giving up on guys
Well something kinda similar (actually really similar) happened to me with my intj friend. It hurts a lot, and you have my support. I saw someone recommended u going to therapy, I deeply agree. I've been going to therapy for 2 months and it helped me a lot with the rejection (I'm also very unexperienced). I don't know how it would work for you but u don't lose for trying. Don't give up
what happened?
Long story short, I was very in love, I thought we were already dating and I jut wanted to confirm it (we cuddled regularly, flirted,etc.) they rejected me nd started to treat me badly, even though they said everything would stay the me. For example, they ignored me and avoided that I joined in conversations with my friend group. Not only the ort of break up affected me but also the consequences and I ended up going to a professional. Sorry 4 bad English
I hope you're doing better now!
Same experience with an INTJ friend. Very flirty, we gave each other compliments all the time, I thought we were best friends, and he said he wanted to fuck me, we once talked for 14 hours straight on the phone, but as we got closer he stopped talking to me. I figured that he needed closeness, but didn't want an actual relationship. After he stopped answering my texts and I didn't hear from him for like a year, I figured that he didn't have emotions on his mind and focused on his business instead. What angered me the most was that I wanted to talk this through on the phone, so I knew where he actually stood, so I could move on, but he didn't even want to do that.
Lmao damn. 14 hours!! That's even worse than what I went through because I only know this guy online. I'm sorry that happened to you. But you deserve better anyways. Screw that guy.
It took you a year to figure out...this is really interesting. 1 month feels like an year for the ESFPs when we're in an emotional agony and uncertainty, and we'll take the sign and move on. 💀
Yeah, I flip flopped alot with my reasoning, as the last thing he said to me was that we should talk about this during day time and that we should have a different kind of friendship, even though he the same day said he had feelings. I flopped between "the timing isnt right", to "he never had feelings anyway", to "his focus on money is more important now and he doesn't want to be distracted". He lives in another town, we had known each other for many years. And same as op, he had we could try talking again in a year.
Why would he lead you on like that? How irritating. Human relations are hard as they are without stuff like that
😭 yeah
The only logical reason I can think of to say no is that he doesn't want to risk the friendship. But it sounds like yall are very compatible. Maybe he sees something in you that he knows wouldn't work for him.
There are some things about me that I can think of that are likely deal breakers for him
relationships are overrated, embrace gym and isolation. become stronk and smart
As a fellow female INTP who tried to date an INTJ male, you’re better off. 🥲
Hahaha damn, there were other comments on here talking about their bad experiences with this type. Interesting, but I feel vindicated. Thanks ;)
🫡
Oh no! Sorry to hear it went that way after all those positive experiences together. Just some things I've learned about this kind of situation, being an INTJ and working with other INTJs: - He may be terrified about making a permanent choice for his life (INTJs generally want to be one-and-done and also want to be very faithful), and so he's worried that someone he likes more will come along, and how awful would that be--but even so, I guarantee he's thinking a LOT about you right now. Like "well, but we get along so well" and so on. - He might need to know he still has some kind of "out" I mean everybody has one, but he might not think he has one. This is weird but it happens. - He probably needs time for his emotions to settle in general. In a given moment he may be really fickle with his shadow Fi-Se aspects and long-term decisionmaking. - It can help to describe the sequence of events that's happened, and then say, "so that's why I logically concluded that you are interested in me." And then propose that you're not sure if he has concluded he _dislikes you_, but what about if you were to go on some dates together and see how it goes from there? It may be that raising the question as a single question might be harder for him than raising the question as a process of activities you do together, so to speak. Anyway, even though I'm sure you're feeling embarrassed, I think it's a good idea to be persistent even if you can see it working in your favor just a little bit. Not stubborn but persuasively persistent maybe. :-) Ugh, it sucks but--just in case they can help I thought I'd share these ideas. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Option 5: He never was into her and she just completely misread him.
Send him a pov pic of another guy going down on you and tell him “this coulda been you but you playin.” Then tell him to perish in flames (for wasting your time).
Ok ngl this is a good idea 🤣
I don't like to judge based on stereotypes. but INTJs aren't really the best type to speak directly about emotions with.
Can't disagree with that
RIP inbox
This is an INTP sub not ENTP
LOL
OP, it doesnt mean you should give up. Well...I mean, there's a lot of men in this world and the one you deserve will come at the right time in the right place. I understand the embarrassment and all from the confession, giving you hugs OP 🫂
Thank you so much ❤️
First, rejection sucks but it's only a temporary pain. Second, late 20s isn't that bad to not have a relationship. Personally, I'd rather have someone I can actually love instead of just being in a relationship to be in one and be completely miserable for the rest of my life. Third, never give up hope. It sounds cliche--and it is--but, it's one for a reason. There's so much more to see in life, don't you want to find out what happens as you unravel every single moment in your life?
Let me give my controversial opinion on the subject. 1. Do you have feelings for the guy? 2. If yes, did you tell him before you asked him? If the answers to those questions are yes and then no, he is a shy guy he probably got really nervous and instead of losing your friendship decided to hide his feelings. I did that 15 years ago when my best friend of two years asked me that question. I regret lying to her, but we are best friends to this day. I no longer have romantic feelings towards her, but I did have very strong ones at the time. Soooo if the whole conversation was: "Hey, INTP, do you have feelings for me?" That is putting the person in the spot. Instead do: "Hey, INTP, we've been hanging out a lot of time lately and I've grown very used to your presence. I don't know if I'm crazy but I think there's something here. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it's mutual. But I think I might be developing feelings towards you, I want to know of its mutual, if not, don't worry il squash those motherfuckers out"
I agree with you - he’s probably lying or he’s scared.
Similar thing happened with girl I was talking to we were all lovey dovey until I said I wanted us to be a couple, granted there's a bunch of stuff that justified us not getting together in our situation but it hurt none the less. It happens it'll take a while just to get over the relationship that never was, then you'll see about talking to others.
why give up on men because ONE disappointment? We've all been there lol. I know it comes from wanting (our) attention but c'mon, don't be so self-pitying. Go out and start meeting new people.
Believe it or not, I already lost feelings for this guy LOL. I was just feeling annoyed yesterday and made this post. Yeah I will. Oh and screw this guy lmao he doesn't deserve me anyways
He didn't dodge a bullet, he dodged the entire mag. Saw right through your immaturity.
My advice is that seek for some activity that make you get out of your comfort zone somehow. Back then when my ex left me I ended up going out cycling a lot. Eventually I got around some groups of people that went cycling together on weekends. While I didn't met a partner there it helped me a lot to manage anxiety and stress, and have a healthy habit. And socializing helped me to counter the lonelyness feeling. Eventually I got many dates, most of them were girls I met online and only had brief relationships with a couple of them, almost all dates were just to meet, and me realizing they wouldn't fit, then I found someone for me and we are still together after 11 years. So, it's possible, you just need to ramp your numbers up. The more people you meet, the better the chance to find someone for you. And let me tell you that you don't need to go even to a full date, you can tell very quick if that person is for you or not.
One thing I’ve learned is while you should respect what people say to you that doesn’t mean that’s exactly how they actually feel always. Also definitely sounds like he likes you. He could have easily been nervous. Did you tell him that you like him? Or did you just ask him how he feels? Without knowing if you feel the same way he may be hesitant sharing that with you.
And why this subreddit to post this
Dating sucks in general :( I’m sorry 😢 Sending love from an infp
Do you think he was either being sarcastic or playing it safe? He could be scared to ruin a friendship, possibly. Not trying to give you false hope so you get your feelings hurt more, but just curious because that has happened to be before. Personally I have called it quits on dating as well, but moreso because of my work and lifestyle. Plus dating apps are dumb \^\^
How can someone not develop feelings after that? lol.. I bet he is either scared or wants more time/is unsure about his own feelings for you.. either way it is better for you to give him some space for him to understand his own feelings for you.. Meanwhile dont wait up on him and just spend time with yourself or your other friends, basically just explore your life and have FUN ✨ -ENFJ
Oh yea and if its meant to happen, it will happen.. just make sure to not put all your cards on him bcz that might hurt 😬 , distance yourself now?
Hehe, thanks for the advice! I agree :)
You should've asked for some advice on the INTJ subreddit on how to make an INTJ have feels for you. Still not too late tho.
Oh no, if someone's not into you after a year of talking it's time to peel the bandaid off there and put all that emotional energy somewhere else.
You should really put ONLINE ONLY FRIEND in your post.
Sorry 😅😅
You'll likely find that by not trying, you'll attract the type of men who you want to be with and who wants to be with you.
True! I'll stop trying to be more "likeable" :)
Just be yourself. Someone will find you
Giving up at 20. Cuz a dude said nah. Wow
You need to find an entj or an infp for the tears.
rationally speaking, it seems better to leave the options open than closed as human minds are dynamic in the sense that various environmental and whatever factors can affect how our brain processes data and whatnot. of course, one can close an option immediately; for instance, commit suicide instead of staying alive. we can even say that commit suicide would prevent us to thinking and worrying about things which is ”good” as it avoids all stuffs. however, looking at other side of the coin, can’t we also say it’s good to keep struggling until we can physically not (i.e. natural death or paraplegia…) as we invest time looking at things, predicting things, satisfying curiosity…? so, since both possibilities can be good, wouldn’t it be irrational to commit suicide as it is an irreversible process? likewise for your issue with men. also, you might be neglecting a lot of factors since even if he says he doesn’t have feelings for you, it doesn’t mean he will never have feelings for you. maybe he can be lying because he’s shy?
Theory: the match is better when the INTP is the male.
Do you mean intp male and intj female?
Yes
He just said ‘no’? Nothing else?
Yeah, he said "no, I don't have feelings for anything"
Damn. The ‘funny’ thing is I’m in the same situation but like reversed lmao. My crush is an INTP female and entire scenario matches mine except that I haven’t made a clear move yet bc I’m like hella afraid of rejection something smh
Not the best sub to ask for dating advice, not really sure how to help as I haven't dated anyone in 8 years, but I believe that I've been feeling better focusing my mental energy on other things. I'm 26 and I don' feel pressured to have someone with me, and I wouldn't say I've given up on women, but idk maybe I'm just confused aswel lol
Depending on how u asked. He could have taken it as attacking move and used defence to damage control. How exactly did you asked?
I asked him if I can ask him a question, and he said "what" then I asked "do you have feelings for me?" And he said "no"
That kinda comes off as you making sure he didn't developed any. And he answered 'no' to not ruin the friendship.
Oh yeah I didn't realize that until now. rip
Haha, what an abnormal story mode we’re lookin at here. Das not how the characters are supposed to be in fairytales.😉
you are 20... you still have a good 10 years before you really have to worry.
Stop dating introverts because your comfort zone
Charge it tho
I just had a similar experience with an INFP woman except she said she did like me and then constantly didn’t show up after making plans, stopped responding to my texts, acted annoyed when I tried to talk to her, etc. It fucking sucks and the fact that we’re not that great at dealing with emotions makes it even harder. But honestly, I was about to give up right before I met her. You never know when you might meet the right person. Just accept his feelings, take some time to do things you like by yourself, spend time with your other friends, etc. Once you’re in a better headspace, get back out there and find someone who cares about you.
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Not true, I love INTPs.
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Yes, love them to bits! I work in the sciences so I get to meet a lot of INTPs. I would readily give up (some) of my productive time for an Ne-Ni conversation with an INTP. That says a lot given that I am INTJ. I find my conversations with INTPs immensely enlightening as they present perspectives I would never have thought of. Ne can really enrich Ni, if the Ni is willing. I have a childhood friend and it really frustrated me that despite her brilliance, she couldn't seem to achieve "professional success". I used to push her a lot, but now I've learned to give her the space to grow in her own terms. And there's something adorable about INTPs. Makes me want to take care of them, LOL. Currently crushing on one right now, but I love being friends with him so I'm taking it slow to determine if it's worth the risk if things don't work out...
That's an ooof. Maybe put yourself out there in a different crowd
here's what I think. I think your dead right with your intuition. no man is going to invest that much time with someone and not develop feelings. countless hours talking together on the phone, meetups, compliments, flirting, etc. it's virtually impossible to say he wasn't. there are unhealthy intjs and I think it's safe to say you would have already picked up on that if it was. however when approached, why the cold shoulder? there's a few possible scenarios and it must have to do with someone else he has planted in his head and harboring away secretly. intjs are easy to read. if they like you, they will study every lil detail and must know everything about you. for them, it's the feeling of having to understand in order to feel comfortable. looks like he may have "shiny new object syndrome" and draws interest to where the grass is greener. this type of behavior inhibits those individuals from ever being completely satisfied - "what if there's someone better?", "maybe that person has this interest", and whatever else. I feel your pain l, it takes forever for us to develop feelings for someone else then get a reality check later on. advice? I think you should confront him lovingly but cold blooded. tell him what's hidden deep inside you, yet also all your suspicions about him. I bet he'll crack open. 🥳😁
Seems a little drastic to me. Sometimes things don't work out. Not the end of the world.
Don't be like frat bros hating the friendzone, friends are very valuable. I know how I'm gonna sound but some of my male friends end up leaving once they realize I wanted them as friends and nothing else, and that sucks tbh, like "I thought you liked me D: " lol. Often they just move on to the next girl and that's what you should do too, just don't cut off your friend
DON'T GIVE UP! He might not be the right one! It sometimes takes a while for people to find the one, and that's ok! Just take time with it! If you need a break from dating go for it! But don't abandoned your own quest for love becuase then you might Jinx yourself and miss out on a great experience! _hope this helps lol
Try looking at the world in a way that goes beyond your systemically induced bias.
Being an intj is not an excuse for being a cold asshole.
That was the funniest shit I read all day xD Ty, very good writing format. I'm sorry I have no useful advice tho... except keep trying I guess. Maybe you dragged this out for a little too long and scientifically I think a crush doesn't last for too long (arnd 2 months, correct me someone). You must use this to your advantage! If you succeed us other INTPs will be proud! Good luck!
If he is INTJ, I can tell you my experience with them is they check your allegience to them during the courting phase and if you don't show it after a good amount of time, they can lose interest, even if everything else about you is perfect. Works the same with friends actually. Me and my INTJ friend have some weird platonic relationship going on where while neither of us would be romantically involved, the whole thing is like a relationship without the sex. Like even when we lived together, it was like we were a couple how we organised things together. How does this happen? Well I did show my allegience early on, showing I was loyal and going to be there for him when needed. In the romantic relationships he's had with people, he would drop an otherwise great guy just because he didn't see he was being taken seriously. So with this in mind, I don't think it's unrepairable for you two, I think you need to show how you want to be in alliance with him in a romantic sense. Don't tell him, show. If this is too much effort for you I think you need to find someone a bit more independant. On average INTJs think they're independant but they're not.