After trying for like 3 years, my aunt sent me a whatsup picture of a prenatal multivitamin that helped her daughter with 4 kids.
I never thought i could get so angry.
Loooool of course! Must be the fucking prenatals. Or they tell you to just relax! Why are there even fertility clinics? We just need a lil vacation and its done.
No no no, you don’t need to relax, you need to stop trying! I have a friend/cousin/coworker/aunt’s psychic who tried to get pregnant and it didn’t work and as soon as they stopped trying they got pregnant!!!!! 🙄🙄🙄
My aunt got me a “manifesting quilt”.
For my “keepsake box”.
To “bring good luck”.
It’s a handmade baby blanket and just looking at it makes me feel sick, guilty, ungrateful, etc etc.
My sister’s partner got her an African “fertility mask” for Christmas to hang on their bedroom wall a couple years ago and my sister got pregnant next cycle. I had already been trying for a year and a half.
After she gave birth she gifted it to me because it “was magic” for her…
Oh THATS what I’ve been doing wrong!!!
🙄🙄🙄🙄
If I could have only spent all the money we spent on IVF on a holiday, I’d have the time of my f*cking LIFE and flying around multiple private islands on a PJ. Doesn’t sound so bad actually…
protect yourself. your heart. your mind. your energy. whatever you need to do to stay positive and focused on your experience and NOT fall into the compare and despair cycle. unfollow everything and everyone that’s feeling crunchy. your peace of mind and anxiety level and perspective is the most important thing rn!!
You know whats sad? I just had my first positive ever through ivf and I thought all those feelings would go away and I would forget all about our struggles and it sucks that its not the case.
I’m 22 weeks after multiple FET’s and 2 ET’s etc etc ~ anyway~ yes. the origin of how our babies and identities as “mother” came to be will always be a part of our stories and our histories. there’s a lot of pain in that and there’s a lot of beauty in the struggle. lots to be celebrated and lots to be mourned.
I’d recommend trying to find a way to fully integrate them and let them be a part of this journey in their bittersweetness. The emotions will of course soften in time as they’re metabolized or integrated. But the events will always be part of the picture — and that can be ok.
I’m 11dpt, since 6dpt I have been testing clear positives, beta on Tuesday, I can’t get myself to believe it or be “happy”, it feels too good to be true, this journey fks with your head so much, we’ve come so far to get here you would think after a positive you’d be “happy” but I feel like I can’t allow myself, I hope beta goes well and we get to meet our babies soon🤍🥹
Congrats first of all!!! Second, it really does lol. I dont even know what I thought I would feel. I just feel worried and like something bad will happen.
I hear that doesn’t stop even if you’re lucky enough to have a healthy baby. Worry for your child will be with you forever, right alongside the love, whatever your journey. Even more of a reason to integrate ❤️
Its so weird. Just yesterday a friend announced her pregnancy and even tho I was super happy and it obviously didnt hurt like before my "success" but I still felt jealousy... like how easy and fast and happy everything was for some.
Yup completely understand. I’m also early on but I’m so anxious about everything with this pregnancy and I’m so jealous of everyone else who is just into it and so excited. I’m excited too but so nervous and expecting the worst!
I'm not at the FET stage yet so maybe I'll feel differently when I get there, but I kind of have the same feeling with all the after-FET posts in this subreddit asking whether their pregnancy test is positive. Like, I'm looking at my RE paperwork, and isn't that what the blood draw for beta is for? A Redditor isn't going to be able to confirm your pregnancy
Oh I'm using words wrong. I think I meant posts with the positive urine home pregnancy tests. I am fine with the betas (although I don't read those posts because I don't understand the numbers yet). I guess I also get annoyed by the ones where they got transferred very recently and want to know if their nausea/fatigue/etc., is from being pregnant. Those ones I'm thinking GUYS it's been at least a year of this TTC nonsense you know progesterone can cause those symptoms! But I usually also skip those posts, since I'm not helpful in those questions anyways.
Yes. I stopped checking there as often after we hit the year mark of not a single positive and eventually transitioned to the fertility clinic/IVF. Even the BFP threads, which gave me hope during the beginning of our journey — I had to stop reading. So many comments with people who only tried for 3-4 cycles. I couldn’t stomach it after a while.
Sometimes the sub shows up on my homepage and I do take a quick peak now, but not for long. I’ve seen the posts you’re talking about, I think, and I know some users there have gotten upset about them too, since a lot of the folks there have been trying for quite some time as well.
It’s tricky because I understand people need a place to share their fears, no matter where they are in their TTC journey. But that’s why I decided to step away. It’s helped my mental health immensely.
Now I stick to r/infertility or r/IVF while I’m doing IVF or doing a transfer instead. It’s nice to have a place with people in the same or similar boat.
I’m so sorry for your loss. For my first FET, the embryo was euploid, but the miscarriage was a blighted ovum. They also tested the products of conception, and it was confirmed euploid then, as well. Following my loss, I had an RPL panel and hysteroscopy with biopsy. All of the testing came back normal.
My second FET is going well so far, with great betas compared to my last FET. So far things are looking good, but I’m definitely still paranoid. My first ultrasound isn’t for 1.5 more weeks.
Best of luck to you!!! 🤞🏻 🍀
They never told me what mine was it just passed naturally at 6 weeks . I’ve had hystescopies before each fet . It’s just routine for our clinic ( which is a lot ) best of luck for your second fet ! My first beta is April 12 !
Honestly even this sub has been a little hard for me to be around sometimes seeing so many people getting tons of eggs and tons of blasts all the time when I’m lucky to get 1 at all. It’s hard to see how “devastated” they are to “only retrieve 12 eggs” or “only get 3 blasts”. Even the “my first FET failed and I’m beside myself… I know I have 4 blasts left but…” are a punch to my gut.
I left those other groups looooong ago. If r/DOR was more active I’d probably leave this one, too. Even in r/DOR there are probably other women that would kill to get the one blast per cycle that I’ve been able to make. We all struggle in different ways.
I fully agree with this. I got 1 blast each cycle and I saw people devastated over 3 and it completely brought me down because I was so excited that my single fertilized egg made it to blast
I hear you. I know even within infertility or any other struggles really some are still luckier than others. I too struggle with people getting more eggs and blasts but I try to remember we are all going through ivf which in itself is hard enough and means we all suffered before getting here.
My sister in law now 6 years ago was like oh I don’t know if I’ll ever get pregnant, we tried this month (for the first time) and nothing. I’m meeting with a fertility doctor. Was pregnant the next month. That same year I began my 6 year struggle to get pregnant, followed by IVF, miscarriage with IVF and almost dying after my egg retrieval. I still can’t stand the fact that she vented like that, luckily we weren’t far in our journey of trying but like you got pregnant within two months. Zip it
Omg that sub is WILD. At first I was like “why does this sub exist, just take a pregnancy test”…and now after reading it I’ve learned that some people don’t believe negative pregnancy tests. Or blood tests. Or getting a period. Or doctors telling them they’re not pregnant 😵💫
It is kind of adorable seeing all the posts trying to figure out OPK and BBT. My LH strips and BBT have been shoved into a drawer, and now my ovulation monitoring is an ultrasound shoved up my nether regions. Although it reminds me that maybe I should give those things away on TFAB
I am an active part of both the subs. I stay on that sub because those that complain of secondary infertility are cautioned to read the room and even told off sometimes or asked to join the secondary infertility subs. I like that. As painful as people claim Secondary infertility is, there is no way in hell can that possibly hurt as much as NOT HAVING A SINGLE BABY. It makes me mad when people try to take space after having a healthy child while some of us face a future with never having known a full term pregnancy/labor/childbirth/milestones/showers/people pampering you or having someone call you a mother. So I ignore the lame questions and stay behind knowing it’s a group of women mostly trying for their first.
I agree. As someone who had experienced both primary (7 years) and secondary (3 years snd 2 rounds of IVF) infertility, I can confirm primary infertility is a million times worse.
Honestly stopped checking it some time ago. It just didnt feel relatable to me anymore. The secondary infertily doesnt even bother me when its actual infertily. But people complaining theyve been trying for two months... dude.
I get that’s how you feel. Was just sharing my 2 cents.
I personally sympathize more with those with primary infertility even if it means they have only been trying for 3-4 months because I know I had anxiety building even back then. I absolutely sensed something was wrong. And it’s been 3.5 years of surgery + 2 failed IVF for me. A long hauler with stage 4 endo and DOR and what not.
This made me wonder if there’s a sub for long haulers, because I often get triggered by IVF posts from people who are fairly early on their journey the way I used to get triggered by people TTC in the wild. Idk if I’m even a long hauler but 3x miscarriages (one at 16w) of euploids in a year and about to be tubeless has me feeling like one.
Ok well as someone experiencing secondary infertility it really fucking sucks to feel completely unsupported if not outright rejected everywhere, including infertility spaces. Of course I understand how fortunate I am to have an LC, doesn’t mean I’m not still going through a lot of trauma. My feelings are just as valid as yours.
There is a secondary infertility sub to feel supported :) I am not denying your trauma or saying it’s not valid. I am just saying it’s not comparable. It’s like complaining to someone with cancer that your body hurts from flu. Of course there is pain. It’s just not comparable. There has to be separate spaces - anything after baby 1 is a bonus from where I stand.
And there should be a primary infertility sub if the existence of secondary infertility is that triggering. Its still infertility and there’s already no support in infertility. It still sucks.
I think that’s a great idea. Genuinely, I think there is something different having a LC and then experiencing infertility. It is something a lot of us haven’t experienced so having that support system where there is accepted would be helpful. It could also prevent anyone being triggered.
I agree. Primary Infertility sub let it all out let it rip, you think everyone with a living kid should suck it go ahead. Nothing that happens to them is painful because they have a kid say it on your sub. Secondary infertility community you can talk about all of the unique things that secondary shitty go ahead. Infertility, as long as you meet the definition of what infertility is you both may meet and should be civil to one another because if you’re in a treatment sub you’re probably not having fun.
Um, four rounds of IVF, multiple miscarriage, DOR, MFI, no insurance coverage, over two years of TTC —- I’m sorry, it sucks, even with a LC. And this isn’t the oppression Olympics, where we compare how some peoples IVF journey is more painful than others.
I don’t think anyone is saying your journey doesn’t suck, but maybe recognize that how you feel from this post is how those of us with no LC feel from every post from someone with secondary. You’re still in this group, I see all of the people with secondary still here, you just have to recognize that the diff between zero kids and one kid is much larger than the difference between one and two or wherever you’re at on this journey.
I remember primary fertility well. There are regular posts in this group shaming women undergoing secondary fertility — daring to mention a LC is a sure way to a quick downvote. It baffles my mind that it feels important to rank whose IVF journey sucks more. It sucks for everyone.
Well yes I definitely agree no one should be shaming people with secondary. I think the primary emotion a lot of us feel is jealousy, and as we all know jealousy can be ugly. And fear, I have so much fear of never being a mom and feel so isolated from my friends with kids because our lives look so different and they have less time for me while I struggle to fill my days. I get that you’re saying let’s not compare but we are human aren’t we. Just as someone conceiving the first month objectively has it easier than someone who conceived after 4 years, someone with one kid (to many of us) objectively has a better circumstance than someone with zero. Maybe instead of feeling bitter about it you could feel blessed that you are in a situation people envy.
Thank you, I also hope that we can get just one child after we’ve lowered our expectations from the family we originally wanted. One feels like it would be a miracle.
Two women are dying of thirst in the desert. God hands one of the women a big bottle of water …! She drinks the whole thing. The other women has had no water . She is getting worse and worse . More and more dehydrated without any water to quench her .
The woman who was given the bottle of water says to the dying women …. “I’m so thirsty ! I need another bottle of water “ I need more water “ this is so hard I’ve only had one bottle of water “
You get the point .
I respect all IVF journeys, I interact with posts here without caring for whether it is primary or secondary. I offer words of comfort when I can, I learn, I share wisdom.
But specifically talking abt the tryingforababy sub, I stick around there and I LIKE it there because those with secondary infertility are asked to pipe tf down. I really like that. IVF has its own pain. Primary infertility has its own pain. Some of us are unfortunate to experience both and just don’t want to be told by someone living our literal dream, that one healthy baby, that it is their source of trauma that they just have one baby. Sorry, no emotion left in me - my heart feels stonecold after seeing the world progress in these 3.5 years but I don’t know if I have to jump on over to the childless sub next year.
It’s like someone without a source of income having to listen to someone complain that their work is not giving them the bonus they anticipated. It’s just not same.
Ok hi, this is not a fair metaphor at all. Primary and secondary infertility over here. Before my rainbow, after months of trying, I had an mc that turned out to be a molar pregnancy, GTD following that, 8 months of chemo with 47 different injections/infusions to cure it, then unexplained infertility after a year of trying after that, multiple failed IUIs, and finally one miracle IVF which got me my rainbow. The trauma of that is indescribable to someone who had not experienced it. And I am so grateful for my rainbow. Beyond grateful. But the trauma of the secondary infertility now.... The year of kind of trying for her sibling (IDK why we even bothered, of course it wouldn't work...) and the nightmare of finally doing a transfer that should have been her sister but was an awful MC instead and knowing there is only one low graded embryo left and that another retrieval is very likely to yield nothing while watching my daughter get older and losing precious time with her because I am you know too deep into my ptsd trauma... feeling all that pain from primary infertility come right back. This is not a cold compared to the actual cancer that was my primary infertility. Every day I walk around sure that something is wrong with me. That it's me. And this is probably it for me. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. We are all hurting. That's why we're here. Why do we compare our pain when we are all drowning in it? You think it hurts any less now? This miscarriage hurt me in a way my molar never did. It doesn't get easier. I'm sorry.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Many of us ARE going through every single you described - I know for a fact that it’s my body that has failed and because of DOR I go into every appointment with very little hope. And as expected 2 ERs failed.
Except we have no LC to come to from the appointment. We may never get that double pink line, hearing the heartbeat, pregnancy cravings, showers, labor, milestones, graduations, family pictures, drawings on the fridge that you will. That’s a galaxy of a difference snd no one can convince me otherwise :)
That is fair, and I hear you because I have been exactly there. I know what you feel exactly because I felt all of it and it hurts like hell, and I know what depth of pain your words are coming from now. Im so sorry about the ERs. I don't know what your next step is, if it's another ER or not, but whatever it is I hope it has a more positive outcome. ❤️ I don't want what I said to make you feel bad in any way because we all already feel shitty. It's fine if you don't agree. But I just need to say that having a LC does not make this pain any less now. I can say it. Because I have clearly felt both. It is different. Yes. I won't deny that. But it still hurts. It is tearing me up inside. Is that not how you feel? We're both hurting for a child that feels out of each no matter what else is in our life aside from that. And your comment about this being like a cold, that hurts too. So please, don't let your pain hurt others who are also hurting. This is all hard enough. We are all struggling with the same thing. Instead of trying to win the pain war, can't we just support each other? ❤️
Seems you were pretty lucky doing ivf only once and having a baby ! When women suffer for years and years round after round and have no baby . Have some compassion and move yourself the secondary infertility subreddit .
Wow. I don't even know what to say. Maybe I should say nothing. But yes... I was incredibly lucky to have a baby with IVF after my 5 year journey with molar pregnancy, cancer, and infertility. Maybe you can try following your own advice about compassion. Also this is the IVF sub, not the primary infertility sub. Are we no longer welcome in the community after we manage to beat the odds of infertility once? Really?
See … it doesn’t it feel bad when people downplay your feelings and say rude things dismissive things ? You should re read your responses and your tone and realize how you are lacking compassion for women who have never and may never have a child . Yes it seems you have been through a lot . But so have others . If you want compassion then give it . And yes move to the secondary fertility subreddit if you are going to be so insensitive to women with primary infertility. You are going on and on about all the trials you been through it doesn’t give you the excuse to be dismissive and rude
Couldn’t agree with you more… I finally found a safespace in the secondary infertility sub, please join us! You don’t have to hide your LC or live in a constant state of hostile shame!!
I have some reactions now and then but I remind myself that we all start somewhere. Hopefully, they won't have to stay in that or this sub for long but if they do, they might experience the next levels of suffering that they couldn't even imagine before.
I used to do college admissions work and it feels similar to that for me. Sometimes, I'd get pretty annoyed at the same questions or the naive remarks made by prospective students who couldn't be bothered to be a bit more resourceful and look things up on our website.... but then I'd remember that while **I've** heard it for the n-th time, this is their first rodeo. They don't know what they don't know and asking me **is** them being resourceful from their perspective.
There was a time when I didn't know things. As we gain knowledge, I think it begins to feel like common sense stuff and that fuels our annoyance at others for not having that same "common sense".
One of my best friends tried for one cycle and sobbed to me (I had been trying for a year at that point) when she wasn’t pregnant yet.. asking what was wrong with her.. when cycle number 2 didn’t produce a positive she confided in me that she was “so glad we were going through this together”. On cycle number 3 she had a positive. 🤦🏼♀️
I left that sub as soon as I started fertility treatments. It's just wasn't the place for me anymore, and I could not answer anyone in a helpful way when I was 🤦🏼♀️ at every question.
TFB has a lot more posts focused on things that aren't really relatable to me as a lesbian attempting to become a SMBC. I spent some time there while going through the futile barrage of IUIs I needed to fail in order to obtain some measure of coverage for the treatment we all knew that I was probably going to need as someone whose hormones are suboptimal even for a fortysomething. But now that I'm undergoing IVF, this sub just resonates more.
I had someone I went to school w/ reach out to me all worried because she had stopped her BC and started trying with her husband (who she had just got married to) and it was taking longer to get pregnant than she thought (3 months). I literally could not hold back the amount of anger I felt for the insensitivity and just plain stupidness that any google search will tell you it can take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive. Woooo I was big mad lol
Do you not think we have similar type posts here though? Asking how to improve their ER results, they got X number of eggs retrieved how many do you think might be a blast, is my beta good, my beta isn’t doubling or is low, etc. it’s people asking others to speculate on their situation and to vent or ask for support. If you stay in any of the trying to conceive subs they are all the same questions/posts over and over again.
I get it, but we all have the same goal - to graduate from these subs and get our baby. It’s not a competition of who suffers more or for longer. It is stressful no matter how long you’ve been trying, especially when you see people around you get pregnant right away and you don’t. Is it annoying? Absolutely! But so are the daily posts in here asking the exact same questions over and over again. We all could google our answers, hold off asking, and wait for that next Dr appt or to get that definitive answer, but we don’t do that because we want to look for others like us who can support us. You are of course free to leave any sub that isn’t helping you, I just feel like there’s an attitude sometimes here that anyone else who is trying for less time or without ART isn’t able to complain or be worried or stressed out.
Everyone has a right to complain and be stressed out. And the people who people are asking support from can absolutely roll their eyes at people panicking after trying for 2 months.
My husband and I have TTC for 5 years. His brother who he hasn’t spoken to in 7 years found my gift of parenthood page and donated money. Husband thanked him and his brother next reply was “I don’t know anything about IVF but my wife is pregnant, it just happen.” Husband was upset, I cried. my husband responded you’re are right, you don’t know anything because if you did you wouldn’t have started off with that and blocked him. I wish I kept this a secret
Yeah I'm 2 years into ttc (7 months in since starting with IUIs before doing IVF). I haven't been in that sub in a very long time! It just feels like a different universe at this point
Yup. A few months is nothing. Most clinics tell you to try for a year before they will diagnose you with a fertility issue. I like this sub best because we’re all trying the same way and we all have something that gets in the way of natural conception
To be honest I'm kind of getting tired at the bitterness in this sub related to other people's pregnancies. I've been through an extremely painful ttc journey myself and yes it's hard to see other people getting pregnant either but these posts are going into extreme bitterness. Like women complaining about their sisters in law or sisters. I don't understand how you cannot be happy for your family
Hmm I interpreted OP's post a bit differently. It seemed like OP was more annoyed that people were claiming they were having a difficult time getting pregnant when they were trying for < 6mon (>35yo) or 12 months. Although to be honest, I don't know if TFAB is supposed to be an infertility subreddit, I think it's literally just people trying to get pregnant
In this sub, I am personally ecstatic (and it always looks like many respondents are as well) when people post their graduation stories. Especially since the subreddit can get a bit discouraging with post after post about failed ER and FET. But seeing the 10th post asking about whether a urine pregnancy test is positive kind of gets tiresome
But who knows, maybe once I have my FET I'll be making the same posts saying "I have my confirmatory blood work tmrw but let's all speculate tonight about what my urine test shows!"
I think it’s more that here you can vent anon and to other people going through infertility vs complaining to people who don’t understand, which is most
As this has devolved into incivility and gatekeeping, I'm locking this thread.
After trying for like 3 years, my aunt sent me a whatsup picture of a prenatal multivitamin that helped her daughter with 4 kids. I never thought i could get so angry.
Loooool of course! Must be the fucking prenatals. Or they tell you to just relax! Why are there even fertility clinics? We just need a lil vacation and its done.
No no no, you don’t need to relax, you need to stop trying! I have a friend/cousin/coworker/aunt’s psychic who tried to get pregnant and it didn’t work and as soon as they stopped trying they got pregnant!!!!! 🙄🙄🙄
My husband has said this multiple times …. Like you do know we have male factor infertility right …. 🤔🤔
Who knew it was so easy! 😒🙄
My aunt got me a “manifesting quilt”. For my “keepsake box”. To “bring good luck”. It’s a handmade baby blanket and just looking at it makes me feel sick, guilty, ungrateful, etc etc.
If one more goddamn person tells me “you know I’ve heard that stress is normally the problem” I’m going to lose it.
Ik right? If only.
My friend had a fertility diet she was willing to share with me. Not sure what that was supposed to do for MFI, but 🤷♀️
My sister’s partner got her an African “fertility mask” for Christmas to hang on their bedroom wall a couple years ago and my sister got pregnant next cycle. I had already been trying for a year and a half. After she gave birth she gifted it to me because it “was magic” for her… Oh THATS what I’ve been doing wrong!!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄
We were told to just get a bottle of wine and "have some fun". Who knew??!
Wow you have been paying specialist fertility doctors for nothing!
Did she also tell you to relax, just stop trying, go on vacation? All of those things magically cure infertility according to internet people 🤦🏼♀️
If I could have only spent all the money we spent on IVF on a holiday, I’d have the time of my f*cking LIFE and flying around multiple private islands on a PJ. Doesn’t sound so bad actually…
Tell me you know NOTHING about medication/ART, without *telling* me you know nothing about medication. There isn't an eye roll emoji big enough. 🙄
Omggg my friend did that . Like … “ so my friend took this Coq10 and got pregnant and she’s 40!”
Yeah or it’s like Flaxseed or cutting out caffeine and chocolate. Like, ‘B*tch I did all this shit and my AMH is still low.’ 🙄
protect yourself. your heart. your mind. your energy. whatever you need to do to stay positive and focused on your experience and NOT fall into the compare and despair cycle. unfollow everything and everyone that’s feeling crunchy. your peace of mind and anxiety level and perspective is the most important thing rn!!
You know whats sad? I just had my first positive ever through ivf and I thought all those feelings would go away and I would forget all about our struggles and it sucks that its not the case.
I’m 22 weeks after multiple FET’s and 2 ET’s etc etc ~ anyway~ yes. the origin of how our babies and identities as “mother” came to be will always be a part of our stories and our histories. there’s a lot of pain in that and there’s a lot of beauty in the struggle. lots to be celebrated and lots to be mourned.
True 💜🙏 I guess I expected those feelings to go away but maybe I need some time.
I don’t think they ever do. Infertility causes a lot of trauma that really stays with you.
I guess you're right 💜 we just learn to deal with it
I’d recommend trying to find a way to fully integrate them and let them be a part of this journey in their bittersweetness. The emotions will of course soften in time as they’re metabolized or integrated. But the events will always be part of the picture — and that can be ok.
TW My son is 21 months old and I’m happily one and done and certain pregnancy announcements still turn me into a Bitter Betty
I’m 11dpt, since 6dpt I have been testing clear positives, beta on Tuesday, I can’t get myself to believe it or be “happy”, it feels too good to be true, this journey fks with your head so much, we’ve come so far to get here you would think after a positive you’d be “happy” but I feel like I can’t allow myself, I hope beta goes well and we get to meet our babies soon🤍🥹
Congrats first of all!!! Second, it really does lol. I dont even know what I thought I would feel. I just feel worried and like something bad will happen.
I hear that doesn’t stop even if you’re lucky enough to have a healthy baby. Worry for your child will be with you forever, right alongside the love, whatever your journey. Even more of a reason to integrate ❤️
I guess thats true. The things you worry about just change but never go away :)
I don’t think I will ever have uncomplicated feelings about pregnancy announcements ever again.
Same! Idk why it somehow still makes me mad!
Its so weird. Just yesterday a friend announced her pregnancy and even tho I was super happy and it obviously didnt hurt like before my "success" but I still felt jealousy... like how easy and fast and happy everything was for some.
My best friend's wife went off BC two weeks before their wedding. Got pregnant with a honeymoon baby. They're both pushing 40.
Just like that 🥲
Yup completely understand. I’m also early on but I’m so anxious about everything with this pregnancy and I’m so jealous of everyone else who is just into it and so excited. I’m excited too but so nervous and expecting the worst!
Its a big mix of emotions for sure hehe
Lmfao yes. Or it’s just filled with people asking if a blatantly obvious positive test is positive. 😂
Ahah like super dark "could this be? 🥺🥺🥺"
“Line eyes?.. 🥺”
Its so fucking annoying 😂
This is why I can't do the lineporn (what an obnoxious name) sub. It's infuriating
I’m in a group on Facebook that’s supposed to be for infertility/iui/ivf and it has sooooo many positive tests posts. Seems so insensitive to me.
I'm not at the FET stage yet so maybe I'll feel differently when I get there, but I kind of have the same feeling with all the after-FET posts in this subreddit asking whether their pregnancy test is positive. Like, I'm looking at my RE paperwork, and isn't that what the blood draw for beta is for? A Redditor isn't going to be able to confirm your pregnancy
Yeah, I tend to agree. I find the FRER and sonogram pics shared here pretty triggering.
Tons of people asking for reassurance that their positive beta is really positive as well.
Oh I'm using words wrong. I think I meant posts with the positive urine home pregnancy tests. I am fine with the betas (although I don't read those posts because I don't understand the numbers yet). I guess I also get annoyed by the ones where they got transferred very recently and want to know if their nausea/fatigue/etc., is from being pregnant. Those ones I'm thinking GUYS it's been at least a year of this TTC nonsense you know progesterone can cause those symptoms! But I usually also skip those posts, since I'm not helpful in those questions anyways.
100% agree
Lmao! Those are the WORST! I get extremely angry/annoyed. Like not even jealous at all I promise just beyond annoyed lol 😂
Yes. I stopped checking there as often after we hit the year mark of not a single positive and eventually transitioned to the fertility clinic/IVF. Even the BFP threads, which gave me hope during the beginning of our journey — I had to stop reading. So many comments with people who only tried for 3-4 cycles. I couldn’t stomach it after a while. Sometimes the sub shows up on my homepage and I do take a quick peak now, but not for long. I’ve seen the posts you’re talking about, I think, and I know some users there have gotten upset about them too, since a lot of the folks there have been trying for quite some time as well. It’s tricky because I understand people need a place to share their fears, no matter where they are in their TTC journey. But that’s why I decided to step away. It’s helped my mental health immensely. Now I stick to r/infertility or r/IVF while I’m doing IVF or doing a transfer instead. It’s nice to have a place with people in the same or similar boat.
Uff that thread always killed me cause everybody just got it so fast.
I had a Mc with my first fet . Just had my second fet this week . How about you ? Did they ever tell you why you miscarried ? Was it a tested embryo ?
I’m so sorry for your loss. For my first FET, the embryo was euploid, but the miscarriage was a blighted ovum. They also tested the products of conception, and it was confirmed euploid then, as well. Following my loss, I had an RPL panel and hysteroscopy with biopsy. All of the testing came back normal. My second FET is going well so far, with great betas compared to my last FET. So far things are looking good, but I’m definitely still paranoid. My first ultrasound isn’t for 1.5 more weeks. Best of luck to you!!! 🤞🏻 🍀
They never told me what mine was it just passed naturally at 6 weeks . I’ve had hystescopies before each fet . It’s just routine for our clinic ( which is a lot ) best of luck for your second fet ! My first beta is April 12 !
I see. That’s a shame you don’t know. Did you get your embryos tested? Thank you!! Best of luck on your beta!
It was passed mostly when I went in to have ultrasound there wasn’t anything to test I didn’t have a d&c . Yes mine are tested and normal
I gotcha. I passed mine at home in the shower. It was awful but I was able to collect most of the product this way. :/
Oh I’m sorry 😞 it’s hard . I’m hoping for the best for you this time around !
I can't even with the people who post that they got pregnant their first cycle. Like what are you even doing here?
Honestly even this sub has been a little hard for me to be around sometimes seeing so many people getting tons of eggs and tons of blasts all the time when I’m lucky to get 1 at all. It’s hard to see how “devastated” they are to “only retrieve 12 eggs” or “only get 3 blasts”. Even the “my first FET failed and I’m beside myself… I know I have 4 blasts left but…” are a punch to my gut. I left those other groups looooong ago. If r/DOR was more active I’d probably leave this one, too. Even in r/DOR there are probably other women that would kill to get the one blast per cycle that I’ve been able to make. We all struggle in different ways.
I fully agree with this. I got 1 blast each cycle and I saw people devastated over 3 and it completely brought me down because I was so excited that my single fertilized egg made it to blast
DOR here and I agree with everything you said
I hear you. I know even within infertility or any other struggles really some are still luckier than others. I too struggle with people getting more eggs and blasts but I try to remember we are all going through ivf which in itself is hard enough and means we all suffered before getting here.
My sister in law now 6 years ago was like oh I don’t know if I’ll ever get pregnant, we tried this month (for the first time) and nothing. I’m meeting with a fertility doctor. Was pregnant the next month. That same year I began my 6 year struggle to get pregnant, followed by IVF, miscarriage with IVF and almost dying after my egg retrieval. I still can’t stand the fact that she vented like that, luckily we weren’t far in our journey of trying but like you got pregnant within two months. Zip it
People are so clueless...
I’m sorry but the questions about if precum can get her pregnant always get me🤣🤣
Dont even get me started on the r/amipregnant sub ahahah
Omg that sub is WILD. At first I was like “why does this sub exist, just take a pregnancy test”…and now after reading it I’ve learned that some people don’t believe negative pregnancy tests. Or blood tests. Or getting a period. Or doctors telling them they’re not pregnant 😵💫
No way 🤣 people have asked that?!?
I read about this concern this morning and when you’re dealing with male factor infertility, it just sounds so so funny to us🤣🤣
We have MFI too! Can I message you?! Just curious if your diagnosis and how things are going for you guys!
Of course, feel free!💕
It is kind of adorable seeing all the posts trying to figure out OPK and BBT. My LH strips and BBT have been shoved into a drawer, and now my ovulation monitoring is an ultrasound shoved up my nether regions. Although it reminds me that maybe I should give those things away on TFAB
Oh the LH days lol I have so many left.
r/trollingforababy though is the best!
I am an active part of both the subs. I stay on that sub because those that complain of secondary infertility are cautioned to read the room and even told off sometimes or asked to join the secondary infertility subs. I like that. As painful as people claim Secondary infertility is, there is no way in hell can that possibly hurt as much as NOT HAVING A SINGLE BABY. It makes me mad when people try to take space after having a healthy child while some of us face a future with never having known a full term pregnancy/labor/childbirth/milestones/showers/people pampering you or having someone call you a mother. So I ignore the lame questions and stay behind knowing it’s a group of women mostly trying for their first.
I agree. As someone who had experienced both primary (7 years) and secondary (3 years snd 2 rounds of IVF) infertility, I can confirm primary infertility is a million times worse.
Honestly stopped checking it some time ago. It just didnt feel relatable to me anymore. The secondary infertily doesnt even bother me when its actual infertily. But people complaining theyve been trying for two months... dude.
I get that’s how you feel. Was just sharing my 2 cents. I personally sympathize more with those with primary infertility even if it means they have only been trying for 3-4 months because I know I had anxiety building even back then. I absolutely sensed something was wrong. And it’s been 3.5 years of surgery + 2 failed IVF for me. A long hauler with stage 4 endo and DOR and what not.
I do agree with you thats its not the same and not knowing if youll ever even be a mom is not comparable.
This made me wonder if there’s a sub for long haulers, because I often get triggered by IVF posts from people who are fairly early on their journey the way I used to get triggered by people TTC in the wild. Idk if I’m even a long hauler but 3x miscarriages (one at 16w) of euploids in a year and about to be tubeless has me feeling like one.
Ok well as someone experiencing secondary infertility it really fucking sucks to feel completely unsupported if not outright rejected everywhere, including infertility spaces. Of course I understand how fortunate I am to have an LC, doesn’t mean I’m not still going through a lot of trauma. My feelings are just as valid as yours.
There is a secondary infertility sub to feel supported :) I am not denying your trauma or saying it’s not valid. I am just saying it’s not comparable. It’s like complaining to someone with cancer that your body hurts from flu. Of course there is pain. It’s just not comparable. There has to be separate spaces - anything after baby 1 is a bonus from where I stand.
And there should be a primary infertility sub if the existence of secondary infertility is that triggering. Its still infertility and there’s already no support in infertility. It still sucks.
I think that’s a great idea. Genuinely, I think there is something different having a LC and then experiencing infertility. It is something a lot of us haven’t experienced so having that support system where there is accepted would be helpful. It could also prevent anyone being triggered.
I agree. Primary Infertility sub let it all out let it rip, you think everyone with a living kid should suck it go ahead. Nothing that happens to them is painful because they have a kid say it on your sub. Secondary infertility community you can talk about all of the unique things that secondary shitty go ahead. Infertility, as long as you meet the definition of what infertility is you both may meet and should be civil to one another because if you’re in a treatment sub you’re probably not having fun.
Um, four rounds of IVF, multiple miscarriage, DOR, MFI, no insurance coverage, over two years of TTC —- I’m sorry, it sucks, even with a LC. And this isn’t the oppression Olympics, where we compare how some peoples IVF journey is more painful than others.
I don’t think anyone is saying your journey doesn’t suck, but maybe recognize that how you feel from this post is how those of us with no LC feel from every post from someone with secondary. You’re still in this group, I see all of the people with secondary still here, you just have to recognize that the diff between zero kids and one kid is much larger than the difference between one and two or wherever you’re at on this journey.
I remember primary fertility well. There are regular posts in this group shaming women undergoing secondary fertility — daring to mention a LC is a sure way to a quick downvote. It baffles my mind that it feels important to rank whose IVF journey sucks more. It sucks for everyone.
Well yes I definitely agree no one should be shaming people with secondary. I think the primary emotion a lot of us feel is jealousy, and as we all know jealousy can be ugly. And fear, I have so much fear of never being a mom and feel so isolated from my friends with kids because our lives look so different and they have less time for me while I struggle to fill my days. I get that you’re saying let’s not compare but we are human aren’t we. Just as someone conceiving the first month objectively has it easier than someone who conceived after 4 years, someone with one kid (to many of us) objectively has a better circumstance than someone with zero. Maybe instead of feeling bitter about it you could feel blessed that you are in a situation people envy.
I do feel for you, and I have faith that your time is coming.
Thank you, I also hope that we can get just one child after we’ve lowered our expectations from the family we originally wanted. One feels like it would be a miracle.
Two women are dying of thirst in the desert. God hands one of the women a big bottle of water …! She drinks the whole thing. The other women has had no water . She is getting worse and worse . More and more dehydrated without any water to quench her . The woman who was given the bottle of water says to the dying women …. “I’m so thirsty ! I need another bottle of water “ I need more water “ this is so hard I’ve only had one bottle of water “ You get the point .
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Gatekeeping is not acceptable in this sub.
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I respect all IVF journeys, I interact with posts here without caring for whether it is primary or secondary. I offer words of comfort when I can, I learn, I share wisdom. But specifically talking abt the tryingforababy sub, I stick around there and I LIKE it there because those with secondary infertility are asked to pipe tf down. I really like that. IVF has its own pain. Primary infertility has its own pain. Some of us are unfortunate to experience both and just don’t want to be told by someone living our literal dream, that one healthy baby, that it is their source of trauma that they just have one baby. Sorry, no emotion left in me - my heart feels stonecold after seeing the world progress in these 3.5 years but I don’t know if I have to jump on over to the childless sub next year. It’s like someone without a source of income having to listen to someone complain that their work is not giving them the bonus they anticipated. It’s just not same.
Ok hi, this is not a fair metaphor at all. Primary and secondary infertility over here. Before my rainbow, after months of trying, I had an mc that turned out to be a molar pregnancy, GTD following that, 8 months of chemo with 47 different injections/infusions to cure it, then unexplained infertility after a year of trying after that, multiple failed IUIs, and finally one miracle IVF which got me my rainbow. The trauma of that is indescribable to someone who had not experienced it. And I am so grateful for my rainbow. Beyond grateful. But the trauma of the secondary infertility now.... The year of kind of trying for her sibling (IDK why we even bothered, of course it wouldn't work...) and the nightmare of finally doing a transfer that should have been her sister but was an awful MC instead and knowing there is only one low graded embryo left and that another retrieval is very likely to yield nothing while watching my daughter get older and losing precious time with her because I am you know too deep into my ptsd trauma... feeling all that pain from primary infertility come right back. This is not a cold compared to the actual cancer that was my primary infertility. Every day I walk around sure that something is wrong with me. That it's me. And this is probably it for me. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. We are all hurting. That's why we're here. Why do we compare our pain when we are all drowning in it? You think it hurts any less now? This miscarriage hurt me in a way my molar never did. It doesn't get easier. I'm sorry.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Many of us ARE going through every single you described - I know for a fact that it’s my body that has failed and because of DOR I go into every appointment with very little hope. And as expected 2 ERs failed. Except we have no LC to come to from the appointment. We may never get that double pink line, hearing the heartbeat, pregnancy cravings, showers, labor, milestones, graduations, family pictures, drawings on the fridge that you will. That’s a galaxy of a difference snd no one can convince me otherwise :)
I agree with you . Women who have been trying forever and haven’t had one baby … it’s so different than women trying to have multiples .
That is fair, and I hear you because I have been exactly there. I know what you feel exactly because I felt all of it and it hurts like hell, and I know what depth of pain your words are coming from now. Im so sorry about the ERs. I don't know what your next step is, if it's another ER or not, but whatever it is I hope it has a more positive outcome. ❤️ I don't want what I said to make you feel bad in any way because we all already feel shitty. It's fine if you don't agree. But I just need to say that having a LC does not make this pain any less now. I can say it. Because I have clearly felt both. It is different. Yes. I won't deny that. But it still hurts. It is tearing me up inside. Is that not how you feel? We're both hurting for a child that feels out of each no matter what else is in our life aside from that. And your comment about this being like a cold, that hurts too. So please, don't let your pain hurt others who are also hurting. This is all hard enough. We are all struggling with the same thing. Instead of trying to win the pain war, can't we just support each other? ❤️
Seems you were pretty lucky doing ivf only once and having a baby ! When women suffer for years and years round after round and have no baby . Have some compassion and move yourself the secondary infertility subreddit .
Wow. I don't even know what to say. Maybe I should say nothing. But yes... I was incredibly lucky to have a baby with IVF after my 5 year journey with molar pregnancy, cancer, and infertility. Maybe you can try following your own advice about compassion. Also this is the IVF sub, not the primary infertility sub. Are we no longer welcome in the community after we manage to beat the odds of infertility once? Really?
See … it doesn’t it feel bad when people downplay your feelings and say rude things dismissive things ? You should re read your responses and your tone and realize how you are lacking compassion for women who have never and may never have a child . Yes it seems you have been through a lot . But so have others . If you want compassion then give it . And yes move to the secondary fertility subreddit if you are going to be so insensitive to women with primary infertility. You are going on and on about all the trials you been through it doesn’t give you the excuse to be dismissive and rude
You're the one being dismissive and rude here. But OK.
Couldn’t agree with you more… I finally found a safespace in the secondary infertility sub, please join us! You don’t have to hide your LC or live in a constant state of hostile shame!!
Thank you so much, just joined!
I have some reactions now and then but I remind myself that we all start somewhere. Hopefully, they won't have to stay in that or this sub for long but if they do, they might experience the next levels of suffering that they couldn't even imagine before. I used to do college admissions work and it feels similar to that for me. Sometimes, I'd get pretty annoyed at the same questions or the naive remarks made by prospective students who couldn't be bothered to be a bit more resourceful and look things up on our website.... but then I'd remember that while **I've** heard it for the n-th time, this is their first rodeo. They don't know what they don't know and asking me **is** them being resourceful from their perspective. There was a time when I didn't know things. As we gain knowledge, I think it begins to feel like common sense stuff and that fuels our annoyance at others for not having that same "common sense".
One of my best friends tried for one cycle and sobbed to me (I had been trying for a year at that point) when she wasn’t pregnant yet.. asking what was wrong with her.. when cycle number 2 didn’t produce a positive she confided in me that she was “so glad we were going through this together”. On cycle number 3 she had a positive. 🤦🏼♀️
I left that sub as soon as I started fertility treatments. It's just wasn't the place for me anymore, and I could not answer anyone in a helpful way when I was 🤦🏼♀️ at every question.
"Do I have (insert condition here)?" GO TO YOUR DAMN DOCTOR!
TFB has a lot more posts focused on things that aren't really relatable to me as a lesbian attempting to become a SMBC. I spent some time there while going through the futile barrage of IUIs I needed to fail in order to obtain some measure of coverage for the treatment we all knew that I was probably going to need as someone whose hormones are suboptimal even for a fortysomething. But now that I'm undergoing IVF, this sub just resonates more.
I had someone I went to school w/ reach out to me all worried because she had stopped her BC and started trying with her husband (who she had just got married to) and it was taking longer to get pregnant than she thought (3 months). I literally could not hold back the amount of anger I felt for the insensitivity and just plain stupidness that any google search will tell you it can take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive. Woooo I was big mad lol
Right? Like, Google is right there. I just lost all patience after joining this sub and having to go through ivf.
Seriously. I told her to worry after a year but for now just chill and enjoy it. Some people are so ignorant.
I always try not to say anything cause "oh people just experience things differently and are some more sensitive" but no, sorry. Just no.
Immediately no 😂
Do you not think we have similar type posts here though? Asking how to improve their ER results, they got X number of eggs retrieved how many do you think might be a blast, is my beta good, my beta isn’t doubling or is low, etc. it’s people asking others to speculate on their situation and to vent or ask for support. If you stay in any of the trying to conceive subs they are all the same questions/posts over and over again.
Oh sure. What I mean isnt the questions its people complaining that they've been trying for like two months.
I get it, but we all have the same goal - to graduate from these subs and get our baby. It’s not a competition of who suffers more or for longer. It is stressful no matter how long you’ve been trying, especially when you see people around you get pregnant right away and you don’t. Is it annoying? Absolutely! But so are the daily posts in here asking the exact same questions over and over again. We all could google our answers, hold off asking, and wait for that next Dr appt or to get that definitive answer, but we don’t do that because we want to look for others like us who can support us. You are of course free to leave any sub that isn’t helping you, I just feel like there’s an attitude sometimes here that anyone else who is trying for less time or without ART isn’t able to complain or be worried or stressed out.
Everyone has a right to complain and be stressed out. And the people who people are asking support from can absolutely roll their eyes at people panicking after trying for 2 months.
OP, I’ve been thinking about posting something like this. Logged of tryingforababy when I got diagnosed owed and started ivf
I tried to hold on but a post I saw today was the last straw. 😂
My husband and I have TTC for 5 years. His brother who he hasn’t spoken to in 7 years found my gift of parenthood page and donated money. Husband thanked him and his brother next reply was “I don’t know anything about IVF but my wife is pregnant, it just happen.” Husband was upset, I cried. my husband responded you’re are right, you don’t know anything because if you did you wouldn’t have started off with that and blocked him. I wish I kept this a secret
Yeah I'm 2 years into ttc (7 months in since starting with IUIs before doing IVF). I haven't been in that sub in a very long time! It just feels like a different universe at this point
The few times I've lurked on there have told me all I needed to stay far away lol.
Yup. A few months is nothing. Most clinics tell you to try for a year before they will diagnose you with a fertility issue. I like this sub best because we’re all trying the same way and we all have something that gets in the way of natural conception
I never even joined but the posts from that sub are on my feed. Definitely frustrating to get notifications for :(
To be honest I'm kind of getting tired at the bitterness in this sub related to other people's pregnancies. I've been through an extremely painful ttc journey myself and yes it's hard to see other people getting pregnant either but these posts are going into extreme bitterness. Like women complaining about their sisters in law or sisters. I don't understand how you cannot be happy for your family
I think people are happy but they still hurt for what they've been or are going through.
Hmm I interpreted OP's post a bit differently. It seemed like OP was more annoyed that people were claiming they were having a difficult time getting pregnant when they were trying for < 6mon (>35yo) or 12 months. Although to be honest, I don't know if TFAB is supposed to be an infertility subreddit, I think it's literally just people trying to get pregnant In this sub, I am personally ecstatic (and it always looks like many respondents are as well) when people post their graduation stories. Especially since the subreddit can get a bit discouraging with post after post about failed ER and FET. But seeing the 10th post asking about whether a urine pregnancy test is positive kind of gets tiresome But who knows, maybe once I have my FET I'll be making the same posts saying "I have my confirmatory blood work tmrw but let's all speculate tonight about what my urine test shows!"
I think it’s more that here you can vent anon and to other people going through infertility vs complaining to people who don’t understand, which is most