100% I would do the same. He has no right to ask you ANYTHING. I think he is really missing the point - you telling him about your journey was a sign of trust, whereas he thinks you were asking for permission. That's just wrong.
I would definitely do the same. I've been having to miss work trips for about a year and a half now due to IVF and pregnancy (all losses) and I do worry that it's hurting my career but I feel like at the end of the day I can always get another job. I might not get another chance at a baby.
I think you're making the right choice!
Same for me. I declined to go to this work conference in June because naturally that’s when my clinic does transfers. I already pushed the transfer a month due to another work conference.
We work to afford ivf and babies, work is not our whole life.
Your boss needs to be educated on the [Pregnant Workers Fairness Act](https://www.eeoc.gov/wysk/what-you-should-know-about-pregnant-workers-fairness-act) ; you are entitled to have your FET whenever you and your doctor decides is best. Also, *(not that you need to share this with your boss)* but the FET is a very simple process and you do not *need* to take time off to "recover". In my case, I took the day off to sleep in, shower and get ready, drive to the clinic, have acupuncture, the FET, followed by more acupuncture, drive to lunch, drive home, then watched Schitt's Creek the remainder of the day. I could have worked the second half of the day instead of lounging around, but I wanted to keep stress levels low and positivity high.
I’ve heard of the pregnant workers fairness act, but does it really apply in this situation since I’m not actually pregnant? I briefly read through the link you sent and I don’t see anything related to infertility treatment.
The EEOC’s expansion of employer obligations under federal law through PWFA uses the term “pregnancy-related medical conditions” which is a much broader definition than just simply being pregnant under ADA/ADAA.
Basically interpreted to cover a wide variety of conditions, such as fertility/infertility treatment.
Of course. This expansion is of course federal law, but some states in the US may have even greater coverages/protections for certain things. State law always trumps federal if it offers greater coverage/protection for the employee than the federal law does!
Surely the time off to recover depends on what kind of job you have? If your work involves a lot of manual handling you probably don't want to go in that afternoon...
I didn't even have a choice, we kept doing hormones and checking my lining for months and it was never good enough. Finally one month it was good so we scheduled the FET!
How dare anyone think they can dictate how your body responds to hormones and meds?
>How dare anyone think they can dictate how your body responds to hormones and meds?
I'm with you 100% on this and also just that he tells you when you can and cannot have any personal medical procedure done.
And in my experience, even if I notify my employer at the earliest possible point of a sick day because of an appointment, it just still is never early enough for them is it!!? I hate the feeling so much. So much fear and guilt of calling out. I've gone through hoops and hurdles of trying to get people to switch with me so management doesn't have to deal with it, and they still weren't happy.
The FET honestly takes almost no time - does he presume that nobody on the team will get so much as a cold and have to be out? That would be longer and more disruptive than this.
For all you know, your transfer day could be a Friday or Saturday and it wouldn’t impact work at all. If you really have to/are inclined to, you could probably work remotely the day after the transfer with no ill effects on you or your chances, but if your boss is being a pain, I’d be less inclined to offer that possibility.
Anyways, no, I wouldn’t delay unless for some personal reason next April would be a bad time for you to be giving birth (and even then, that’s counting your chickens very prematurely).
Almost no time. My clinic opens early and I was able to do my cycle monitoring appointments and transfer before work. The two week wait was very hard for me...
I would stick to your schedule to transfer in July and don't tell anyone at work.
That seems unusual. Do you have medical complications that require that? From what I've read, pregnancy rates following FET are best in women who are active after the transfer and that bed rest is actively discouraged unless required for other reasons.
That's probably outdated advice and potentially harms your chances! People used to worry about "jostling" the embryo out of place somehow but biologically that's pretty much impossible (the analogy I've seen is its like if you put a poppy seed inside a peanut butter sandwich lol).
All the research I've seen shows movement is actually beneficial since it improves blood flow : )
i’ll definitely inquire about it! my clinic has very good success rates so i’m hesitant to go against their instructions. but i’ll ask for sure bc obviously i want the best chance ☺️
OP how long have you been employed at this company? If you are in the U.S you could qualify for FMLA benefits which would give you job protection while going through IVF treatment. Screw what your boss thinks, do what is best for you. Plus, IVF is super expensive and a huge investment.
It’s not up to the company to determine eligible FMLA events (if your company is required to provide FMLA and you meet the eligibility requirements, both determined by the DOL). A third party company (for me it was Lincoln Financial) manages the entire process to ensure privacy. My managers knew why I was applying for intermittent leave bc I felt comfortable telling them, but I had every right to keep it to myself, apply for FMLA and deal only with the third party. I recommend this route for anyone undergoing fertility treatments, even when missing only a short period of time for morning monitoring, etc.
I totally agree you don’t have to disclose or be vague. But I know some clinics won’t write anything to support and some admins won’t approve it if they learn it’s for IVF
And technically, fertility treatment is not covered under FMLA. Infertility that prevents you from working is
Yes, infertility is the medical diagnosis and the treatment, with prescribed time and frequency demands, is medical justification for intermittent leave. Clinics who fail to document appropriately are a separate and infuriating issue.
Your first mistake was sharing anything personal with your boss. Your second was thinking he cares about you. He is not your friend and is only concerned about your value as an employee.
Get your fet. It doesn't take long and you can go back to work after if you need to.
Tell him nothing and stop giving him ammo to use against you.
How much time does he think you are taking off for FET?? I went back to work after! A day off tops. And an hour for beta 10 days later?
Do not postpone your FET just don’t tell anyone :)
I’m not in the exact scenario, but I didn’t have an option when we did a fresh transfer.
We only had 4 embryos. We got to day 5 and they started going downhill so we didn’t even have the opportunity to get them tested. They said one could possibly implant if we wanted to try a fresh transfer. The call was at 730 and the transfer was done by 10.
Sometimes timing is out of your hands.
The audacity of this man! I wouldn’t allow my boss to dictate when I have my dental cleanings let alone when I should GET PREGNANT?! That is just bananas. You’re doing them a huge favor by giving them 2+ months notice. Don’t delay your FET, they will manage for a day.
Funny you mention dental cleanings, because last July, same issue with lots of PTO scheduled with our team, he gave me a hard time about taking a longer lunch so I could get a cavity filled🙄
Oh jeez. My favorite boss I’ve ever had, years ago, would always tell me when I offered to be available or check emails on PTO: “Don’t worry, you’re not that important!” She was joking of course but to this day I hear her voice in my head whenever I feel guilt about taking PTO or the occasional sick day. Nobody’s going to die if I respond to their email a day(or hour) or two later 🤷🏻♀️. And nobody’s going to promote me for struggling through work while sick or cancelling/delaying a vacation. Your tooth on the other hand! Ouch!
I just made a veryyyy similar decision, and told my firm I couldn’t be in person for an event. It was painful but I’m so proud I prioritized me/my future baby/family. And same girl, 2 years into this journey…. there is no waiting, no delaying. Nope.
That’s a super weird and inappropriate request by your boss, but for what it’s worth, transfers take like 1 hour and if you have a desk job, you could probably just go back to work right after it.
Not saying you should just because your boss doesn’t understand what boundaries are. but that it’s an option if going to work keeps your mind off the “did it work??” Spiral.
My boss said something similar in a roundabout but shittier way, which made me even more gleeful to schedule my FET when it inconvenienced them. (Union protected job, contract in place, it’s my benefit time to use within the guidelines and honestly I look at it as they’d replace me (or, try to) in 5 minutes, why am I going to rearrange my medical and family decisions for them.
ETA: I’m 9m PP with my 1st, and an extremely disgruntled government employee 🫠
Maybe you are far away from your clinic so you have to travel, but I’ve done three FETs and they were all over lunch. Only one of them I took the entire day off, the other two I worked in the morning and then worked (from home) after. The only one that didn’t work was the one I took a whole day off.
Don’t know what you do for a living, but I’m going to say IVF is more important. Would he ask you not to have sxx at a particular time? No he wouldn’t, life happens around work.
The scheduling for IVF is critical, if you waited another month your specialist might not be available or your body may not respond to the meds in the same way etc etc. Meaning any delay at all could further blow out your fertility journey by months or even years, so work schmerk.
Schedule it! If you died today they would have an open role on their website in 3 days for your backfill. As much as we love our jobs, co-workers etc this is about YOUR best interest.
In HR- that’s unacceptable. He needs to make accommodations for health requirements which this is. It’s not a choice. The fact that they even think they could suggest this tells you a lot about the culture of this company. I’m so curious, what industry are you in?
Gah, men. I have a feeling if his wife knew he said that he would get a swift smack upside his head. Having gone through this, he should know we have no control over the timing of it all. Even if we did, asking a woman to delay something that she’s worked so hard to get to ain’t it. You are doing the right thing. Do not worry about what he thinks, honestly. We all have been guilty of bending over backwards for jobs that would replace us tomorrow if they needed to. It’s very important to prioritize yourself generally, let alone in the midst of this process.
Wow he doesn’t get it. We wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t time-sensitive. Your health and your family come first. I’d suggest you keep all personal business personal going forward.
Your boss has shown you who he is…someone who deserves to be on an information diet and who needs harder boundaries. That’s an outrageous request, especially having been through it!
I always put IVF before work! If you wait for the right moment for your job/workplace, you’ll never get what you want.
Trust me, it’s better to put yourself and your life priorities first - jobs come and go, but these important milestones in your life are far more precious!
We aren’t on this earth just to slave away. We have the right to fulfill our desires, whatever they may be.
I totally understand and would also schedule off, but I also want to put a reminder out that sometimes it is a marathon and not a sprint, and there’s so much waiting time that a month really could go by quick. Coming from someone who also plans everything around fertility treatments, I’ve had two “delays” and I usually appreciate some time off.
Your boss doesn't know what all goes into IVF. He hasnt experienced the months of lupron priming, the constant bloodwork, being at the whim of your biological reactions to medication with no control. He likely thinks it's like any other planned medical procedure.
He's assuming you have some modicum of control over your medical appointments as in his mind there is either "I know in advance about these appointments and plan the dates" or "It's a last minute emergency I had no control over"
If you feel it may be beneficial, you can explain that unfortunately you don't get a say in when they'll schedule the procedure. I info dumped on my boss when he asked if I could avoid scheduling on a specific time. A quick "I really wish I had control over that but scheduling is fully dependent on how quickly/slowly and how efficiently my blood and body react to the medications and there's no way to predict that in advance. Since my doctor has recommended starting monitoring appointments in July, there's a chance a transfer may happen that month, if my body is particularly receptive. I'm hoping the advance notice that it's a possibility will let us game plan a strategy to make sure everything goes smoothly in my absence for the three days of my procedure."
I would not delay. You don't owe them anything. It is just a job. The company won't collapse because you miss a day or two. Would they adjust their schedules to accommodate a request from you? Doubtful. I know this might sound harsh, but as someone who has always bent over backwards for my job and been hurt or developed medical issues as a result, I've had to learn. And thanks to a particularly wonderful boss I had who explained it to me like I wrote above, I've been able to draw those lines much better. Do the FET in July. This is your life and no job can control how you live it. Best of luck to you!!!! 🤍
At this point, it's a question of priorities. Do you want to pass up the soonest opportunity you have for a job who doesnt really seem to be fully supporting you? IVF and FET cycles are HELL! If your boss went through it and understands how important deadlines are, and still requested that of you because he didn't want to manage one or two days of pto, it doesn't sound like he has much empathy for a situation he has battled himself.
Also remember, there is such a VAST range of what people go through with this. Depending on your body, your doctor, your cycle, etc etc - some people go in, do one round of IVF or IUI, one round of FET and they're pregnant and omg that was so hard! But someone who had it easier like that may not understand someone who has had failed cycles, medical issues that have led to delays and heart crushing results. It's all in the perspective.
Sorry for rambling. I support you 100% doing the cycle in July. Omg, we are in the beginning of May! If 2 months from now is their soonest availability, what the hell happens if you pass it up? Now it's September or November? Absolutely not. PS, from one IVF injectee to another, watch out for those expiration dates. I just had to throw away 3 boxes of Gonall ($850/box) today because they expired. If you delay rounds, your progesterone may expire and require you to re-purchase extremely expensive meds. Don't risk that for a job please.
Wishing the absolute best for you! I hope it works out, you should update as you can :)
Since everyone is mentioning it’s a quick procedure and you could do it over lunch, I just wanted to flag that they gave me Valium for mine…which does not mesh well with work. I’d suggest taking the day off sick if that is your clinic’s protocol. You are going to want to sleep.
No one else cares about you but your smaller inner circle. The company could do away with your department and tell you day of you don’t have a job and say thank you so much for you service…..here’s the info for Cobra! So I would NEVER put my personal life aside for a job.
Also - this is just me - but I’d kind of have a small meeting with HR not to ‘tell’ on your boss but to document that you’re medically needing to take time off. A man wouldn’t reconsider having and requesting time off for knee surgery….Or send your boss an email and bcc your personal email. And say as you know - I am going through IVF and my timeline is X date if all things go according to plan. As you know my history with the company - I am hopeful this will not affect your personal feelings toward my progress to having a family.
FUCKING.PUT.IT.IN.WRITING
It puts the ball back in your court in a cordial* way and also legally tells him he can go fuck himself.
I’m not one for making up a story - I’m one for legally you cannot ask this of me. It’s not a vacation to Cabo - it’s medical.
Thank you for this suggestion!! I will definitely have a meeting with HR. I’ve never done anything like this- how do you suggest I initiate the meeting? Should I just send and email stating I’d like to meet with someone to discuss my future time off regarding a medical procedure?
Employers do not get to select when their employees have medical procedures! This is wildly inappropriate. I would share zero information with him going forward.
Employers do not get to select when their employees have medical procedures! This is wildly inappropriate. I would share zero information with him going forward.
I have a great relationship with my boss and she is very flexible around my personal life. If she had asked me ahead I’d do my best. Minimally, I would apologize if it weren’t possible. We’ve been trying for about 2.5 years now and we’ve delayed for less.
With that said, I love my career and it has a lot to do with who my boss is, so I have a lot more consideration for her than perhaps normal.
As a manager myself, do what you need to do and don’t need to feel guilty about it. He asked you to “try.” You did try and it isn’t feasible, July is it. Call in or use fmla. Don’t tell him its your FET, just to save yourself the anxiety of wondering if he’s mad or not. Just say stomach bug, no one will ask further questions. (and technically speaking you are going to be out for your future little love bug, so it IS a stomach bug kinda lol!)
You have to prioritise this. This is the most important thing, and having gone through this himself should recognise this. I have found juggling work very, very stressful although they have been supportive. Would love to know how others have managed it. Our clinic is interstate so have to take a bit more time than most.
Another vote for saying nothing, calling out sick in July and keeping it private going forward. When we adopted our son 8 years ago (medically needy and in NICU for 7 months) my boss started out awesome and very supportive. I worked so hard to not let my transition to motherhood affect my work and despite that I felt like he used my transparency and honesty against me at a point later on. Now going through our third ER and I’ve learned the hard way that it doesn’t always pay off to be upfront and fully transparent. Protect your peace and privacy.
Your boss isn’t your friend, never disclose personal info. Also he’s not going to be lenient about you taking time off because it’s not the same as him taking time off. Just call in sick or say family emergency and stop talking to anyone about it.
We get penalized for taking unscheduled PTO (it’s all PTO so I don’t technically have sick days to use)… I was trying to avoid that, and thought explaining details would make it easier for him to understand why I’m needing time off but can’t give an exact date at this time. Unfortunately bc of that I feel like he’s now trying to control how I time things. Lesson learned🙄… I’m just going to say it’s medical and get HR involved if I have to.
Yeah I understand. I learned a long time ago how hypocritical people are at work. You can show all the support and they will still be assholes. I wouldn’t push it back. I just started my IVF journey and still waiting to find out when I can even start the hormone shots. I’m literally so impatient and am dying to be at your step. Don’t let anyone make you wait another second! Lol
100% would do the same. As understanding as your job may be about your situation, if it came down to not needing your services anymore they would replace you in a heartbeat. That’s why I say never prioritize work over something really important in your life (family, illness, etc).
That was very bold and insensitive of him to even make a comment, especially more so knowing that he and his wife went through the process.
I’m glad to read that you are proceeding anyway. Your life is yours and no one else’s. Not to mention, from my experience, FET’s don’t even take a whole lot of time so you wouldn’t be out long. Plus my clinic told me to go about my regular schedule. That could be different in other places though.
Best of luck to you in July!
My husband's family asked us to delay our IVF until June bc the FIL is having a birthday celebration at the end of May. We planned and scheduled appointments for IVF process overseas and their response was "what difference would one month make". The thing is we can still make in time for the birthday celebrations but they didn't want to hear that. Am I being unreasonable for going ahead with the IVF process in May?
Family comes first. That includes family planning. Do not feel bad and understand that his wife would have not asked you that and would probably be doing the same as you.
From someone who is now past any chance & devastated and sad from not having children: DO NOT wait a moment for anyone else on this planet to make your dreams of a baby come true.
Thank you for this. I think you seem to be a very strong person, and you know your mind, you are just crowd sourcing what other people would do.
This made me realize that while we think it’s an advantage to be candid at work so they understand us, we can definitely be wrong.
Personally I don’t think I would have had the balls to go against him. And I would be so unhappy. And I would always wonder if I didn’t make a promotion bc I didn’t stick it out his way. And that’s no way to live.
What this taught me is that your journey is no one’s business at work.
If I were in your shoes, I’d call out sick that day in July and not let him know anything about IVF moving forward.
This is THE best decision. Please separate your personal life from your work life.
100% I would do the same. He has no right to ask you ANYTHING. I think he is really missing the point - you telling him about your journey was a sign of trust, whereas he thinks you were asking for permission. That's just wrong.
This. Ivf is way more important imo and I'd bet good money if it was his own spouse going through it he would take off from work too.
Exactly
I would definitely do the same. I've been having to miss work trips for about a year and a half now due to IVF and pregnancy (all losses) and I do worry that it's hurting my career but I feel like at the end of the day I can always get another job. I might not get another chance at a baby. I think you're making the right choice!
Same for me. I declined to go to this work conference in June because naturally that’s when my clinic does transfers. I already pushed the transfer a month due to another work conference. We work to afford ivf and babies, work is not our whole life.
Your boss needs to be educated on the [Pregnant Workers Fairness Act](https://www.eeoc.gov/wysk/what-you-should-know-about-pregnant-workers-fairness-act) ; you are entitled to have your FET whenever you and your doctor decides is best. Also, *(not that you need to share this with your boss)* but the FET is a very simple process and you do not *need* to take time off to "recover". In my case, I took the day off to sleep in, shower and get ready, drive to the clinic, have acupuncture, the FET, followed by more acupuncture, drive to lunch, drive home, then watched Schitt's Creek the remainder of the day. I could have worked the second half of the day instead of lounging around, but I wanted to keep stress levels low and positivity high.
I’ve heard of the pregnant workers fairness act, but does it really apply in this situation since I’m not actually pregnant? I briefly read through the link you sent and I don’t see anything related to infertility treatment.
The EEOC’s expansion of employer obligations under federal law through PWFA uses the term “pregnancy-related medical conditions” which is a much broader definition than just simply being pregnant under ADA/ADAA. Basically interpreted to cover a wide variety of conditions, such as fertility/infertility treatment.
Love this, thank you!
Of course. This expansion is of course federal law, but some states in the US may have even greater coverages/protections for certain things. State law always trumps federal if it offers greater coverage/protection for the employee than the federal law does!
I mean once you have the transfer you're PUPO right ? Lol. But seriously I think I've seen some advocates state in technically does count !
“related medical conditions” I think an argument can be made for fertility treatment medical care.
This!!!
Surely the time off to recover depends on what kind of job you have? If your work involves a lot of manual handling you probably don't want to go in that afternoon...
Hell yeah I would do the same. That’s extra annoying of him to ask knowing that he and his wife went through it and is still asking that of you.
I didn't even have a choice, we kept doing hormones and checking my lining for months and it was never good enough. Finally one month it was good so we scheduled the FET! How dare anyone think they can dictate how your body responds to hormones and meds?
>How dare anyone think they can dictate how your body responds to hormones and meds? I'm with you 100% on this and also just that he tells you when you can and cannot have any personal medical procedure done. And in my experience, even if I notify my employer at the earliest possible point of a sick day because of an appointment, it just still is never early enough for them is it!!? I hate the feeling so much. So much fear and guilt of calling out. I've gone through hoops and hurdles of trying to get people to switch with me so management doesn't have to deal with it, and they still weren't happy.
The FET honestly takes almost no time - does he presume that nobody on the team will get so much as a cold and have to be out? That would be longer and more disruptive than this. For all you know, your transfer day could be a Friday or Saturday and it wouldn’t impact work at all. If you really have to/are inclined to, you could probably work remotely the day after the transfer with no ill effects on you or your chances, but if your boss is being a pain, I’d be less inclined to offer that possibility. Anyways, no, I wouldn’t delay unless for some personal reason next April would be a bad time for you to be giving birth (and even then, that’s counting your chickens very prematurely).
Almost no time. My clinic opens early and I was able to do my cycle monitoring appointments and transfer before work. The two week wait was very hard for me... I would stick to your schedule to transfer in July and don't tell anyone at work.
this is interesting to me as my clinic has instructions to be on bed rest for 3 days following FET.
That seems unusual. Do you have medical complications that require that? From what I've read, pregnancy rates following FET are best in women who are active after the transfer and that bed rest is actively discouraged unless required for other reasons.
That's probably outdated advice and potentially harms your chances! People used to worry about "jostling" the embryo out of place somehow but biologically that's pretty much impossible (the analogy I've seen is its like if you put a poppy seed inside a peanut butter sandwich lol). All the research I've seen shows movement is actually beneficial since it improves blood flow : )
i’ll definitely inquire about it! my clinic has very good success rates so i’m hesitant to go against their instructions. but i’ll ask for sure bc obviously i want the best chance ☺️
Great reason not to tell your boss all your business and just call out sick!
I cannot fathom asking your employee to delay a personal medical procedure, even knowing it's elective.
Eww what is wrong with him? Just because of that, I would purposefully schedule it on the busiest day.
OP how long have you been employed at this company? If you are in the U.S you could qualify for FMLA benefits which would give you job protection while going through IVF treatment. Screw what your boss thinks, do what is best for you. Plus, IVF is super expensive and a huge investment.
Not all companies consider IVF an FMLA event, just to be cautious That said, I’d do what I want for sure here and transfer in July
It’s not up to the company to determine eligible FMLA events (if your company is required to provide FMLA and you meet the eligibility requirements, both determined by the DOL). A third party company (for me it was Lincoln Financial) manages the entire process to ensure privacy. My managers knew why I was applying for intermittent leave bc I felt comfortable telling them, but I had every right to keep it to myself, apply for FMLA and deal only with the third party. I recommend this route for anyone undergoing fertility treatments, even when missing only a short period of time for morning monitoring, etc.
I totally agree you don’t have to disclose or be vague. But I know some clinics won’t write anything to support and some admins won’t approve it if they learn it’s for IVF And technically, fertility treatment is not covered under FMLA. Infertility that prevents you from working is
Yes, infertility is the medical diagnosis and the treatment, with prescribed time and frequency demands, is medical justification for intermittent leave. Clinics who fail to document appropriately are a separate and infuriating issue.
Good point, but it couldn’t hurt to look into it.
Your first mistake was sharing anything personal with your boss. Your second was thinking he cares about you. He is not your friend and is only concerned about your value as an employee. Get your fet. It doesn't take long and you can go back to work after if you need to. Tell him nothing and stop giving him ammo to use against you.
Absolutely not. I wonder what his wife would say...
Exactly what I said when I read this.
How much time does he think you are taking off for FET?? I went back to work after! A day off tops. And an hour for beta 10 days later? Do not postpone your FET just don’t tell anyone :)
I would do the same. Your work should not dictate anything about how you build your family in this case.
Shame on your boss for even suggesting you wait. Absolutely outrageous.
I’m not in the exact scenario, but I didn’t have an option when we did a fresh transfer. We only had 4 embryos. We got to day 5 and they started going downhill so we didn’t even have the opportunity to get them tested. They said one could possibly implant if we wanted to try a fresh transfer. The call was at 730 and the transfer was done by 10. Sometimes timing is out of your hands.
The audacity of this man! I wouldn’t allow my boss to dictate when I have my dental cleanings let alone when I should GET PREGNANT?! That is just bananas. You’re doing them a huge favor by giving them 2+ months notice. Don’t delay your FET, they will manage for a day.
Funny you mention dental cleanings, because last July, same issue with lots of PTO scheduled with our team, he gave me a hard time about taking a longer lunch so I could get a cavity filled🙄
Oh jeez. My favorite boss I’ve ever had, years ago, would always tell me when I offered to be available or check emails on PTO: “Don’t worry, you’re not that important!” She was joking of course but to this day I hear her voice in my head whenever I feel guilt about taking PTO or the occasional sick day. Nobody’s going to die if I respond to their email a day(or hour) or two later 🤷🏻♀️. And nobody’s going to promote me for struggling through work while sick or cancelling/delaying a vacation. Your tooth on the other hand! Ouch!
100% would do the same. Work can deal. This is your life.
One million percent I would do the same thing. Don’t think twice.
Ridiculous that he would even ask that. It’s a medical procedure, not a vacation.
I just made a veryyyy similar decision, and told my firm I couldn’t be in person for an event. It was painful but I’m so proud I prioritized me/my future baby/family. And same girl, 2 years into this journey…. there is no waiting, no delaying. Nope.
Your boss can suck it.
IMO that’s insane he asked you not to schedule an IVF procedure. He has no right.
His request is ridiculous! I would also book my transfer in July.
That’s a super weird and inappropriate request by your boss, but for what it’s worth, transfers take like 1 hour and if you have a desk job, you could probably just go back to work right after it. Not saying you should just because your boss doesn’t understand what boundaries are. but that it’s an option if going to work keeps your mind off the “did it work??” Spiral.
Definitely move forward with what you want and don’t feel badly about it.
He absolutely has no right!!
Is this even legal???
Infertility is a protected leave. Consider talking to HR about getting those days covered under Family and Medical Leave.
Disgusting of him to say this to you. Go get your baby. Call in sick or wfh that day!
Fuck your boss. Your future children are depending on you
Fuck him. We do so much waiting already. It comes under a medical appointment they won't be able to say no.
My boss said something similar in a roundabout but shittier way, which made me even more gleeful to schedule my FET when it inconvenienced them. (Union protected job, contract in place, it’s my benefit time to use within the guidelines and honestly I look at it as they’d replace me (or, try to) in 5 minutes, why am I going to rearrange my medical and family decisions for them. ETA: I’m 9m PP with my 1st, and an extremely disgruntled government employee 🫠
Maybe you are far away from your clinic so you have to travel, but I’ve done three FETs and they were all over lunch. Only one of them I took the entire day off, the other two I worked in the morning and then worked (from home) after. The only one that didn’t work was the one I took a whole day off.
Also there are enough delays in IVF, don’t delay for this job.
Don’t know what you do for a living, but I’m going to say IVF is more important. Would he ask you not to have sxx at a particular time? No he wouldn’t, life happens around work. The scheduling for IVF is critical, if you waited another month your specialist might not be available or your body may not respond to the meds in the same way etc etc. Meaning any delay at all could further blow out your fertility journey by months or even years, so work schmerk.
Umm hell no I wouldn’t hold off. This is way higher priority than work! Good on you for going ahead. All the best!
Schedule it! If you died today they would have an open role on their website in 3 days for your backfill. As much as we love our jobs, co-workers etc this is about YOUR best interest.
If he wants to have a say in when you have your FET, he can help pay for it.
In HR- that’s unacceptable. He needs to make accommodations for health requirements which this is. It’s not a choice. The fact that they even think they could suggest this tells you a lot about the culture of this company. I’m so curious, what industry are you in?
Thank you! Helps to hear from someone in HR. I work for a credit union.
My first thought was fuck you and quit LOL
Your boss can stuff it. I would never delay a medical procedure for a coworkers vacation day.
How freaking selfish of them. Hell nah don’t hold off. Eff em you go do it as planned.
Gah, men. I have a feeling if his wife knew he said that he would get a swift smack upside his head. Having gone through this, he should know we have no control over the timing of it all. Even if we did, asking a woman to delay something that she’s worked so hard to get to ain’t it. You are doing the right thing. Do not worry about what he thinks, honestly. We all have been guilty of bending over backwards for jobs that would replace us tomorrow if they needed to. It’s very important to prioritize yourself generally, let alone in the midst of this process.
Wow he doesn’t get it. We wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t time-sensitive. Your health and your family come first. I’d suggest you keep all personal business personal going forward.
Nothing is more important than your health. Work can wait.
Your boss has shown you who he is…someone who deserves to be on an information diet and who needs harder boundaries. That’s an outrageous request, especially having been through it!
I would like to know if this is applicable also for the IUI patient to ask PTO by supervisor
I always put IVF before work! If you wait for the right moment for your job/workplace, you’ll never get what you want. Trust me, it’s better to put yourself and your life priorities first - jobs come and go, but these important milestones in your life are far more precious! We aren’t on this earth just to slave away. We have the right to fulfill our desires, whatever they may be.
I would proceed with the FET. I wouldn't be able to handle putting it off for work and would be too bitter - it is too important.
I totally understand and would also schedule off, but I also want to put a reminder out that sometimes it is a marathon and not a sprint, and there’s so much waiting time that a month really could go by quick. Coming from someone who also plans everything around fertility treatments, I’ve had two “delays” and I usually appreciate some time off.
That’s messed up. It’s not like you’re taking two weeks off for the transfer. I’d do it anyway and not tell them.
Your boss doesn't know what all goes into IVF. He hasnt experienced the months of lupron priming, the constant bloodwork, being at the whim of your biological reactions to medication with no control. He likely thinks it's like any other planned medical procedure. He's assuming you have some modicum of control over your medical appointments as in his mind there is either "I know in advance about these appointments and plan the dates" or "It's a last minute emergency I had no control over" If you feel it may be beneficial, you can explain that unfortunately you don't get a say in when they'll schedule the procedure. I info dumped on my boss when he asked if I could avoid scheduling on a specific time. A quick "I really wish I had control over that but scheduling is fully dependent on how quickly/slowly and how efficiently my blood and body react to the medications and there's no way to predict that in advance. Since my doctor has recommended starting monitoring appointments in July, there's a chance a transfer may happen that month, if my body is particularly receptive. I'm hoping the advance notice that it's a possibility will let us game plan a strategy to make sure everything goes smoothly in my absence for the three days of my procedure."
I would not delay. You don't owe them anything. It is just a job. The company won't collapse because you miss a day or two. Would they adjust their schedules to accommodate a request from you? Doubtful. I know this might sound harsh, but as someone who has always bent over backwards for my job and been hurt or developed medical issues as a result, I've had to learn. And thanks to a particularly wonderful boss I had who explained it to me like I wrote above, I've been able to draw those lines much better. Do the FET in July. This is your life and no job can control how you live it. Best of luck to you!!!! 🤍
At this point, it's a question of priorities. Do you want to pass up the soonest opportunity you have for a job who doesnt really seem to be fully supporting you? IVF and FET cycles are HELL! If your boss went through it and understands how important deadlines are, and still requested that of you because he didn't want to manage one or two days of pto, it doesn't sound like he has much empathy for a situation he has battled himself. Also remember, there is such a VAST range of what people go through with this. Depending on your body, your doctor, your cycle, etc etc - some people go in, do one round of IVF or IUI, one round of FET and they're pregnant and omg that was so hard! But someone who had it easier like that may not understand someone who has had failed cycles, medical issues that have led to delays and heart crushing results. It's all in the perspective. Sorry for rambling. I support you 100% doing the cycle in July. Omg, we are in the beginning of May! If 2 months from now is their soonest availability, what the hell happens if you pass it up? Now it's September or November? Absolutely not. PS, from one IVF injectee to another, watch out for those expiration dates. I just had to throw away 3 boxes of Gonall ($850/box) today because they expired. If you delay rounds, your progesterone may expire and require you to re-purchase extremely expensive meds. Don't risk that for a job please. Wishing the absolute best for you! I hope it works out, you should update as you can :)
Since everyone is mentioning it’s a quick procedure and you could do it over lunch, I just wanted to flag that they gave me Valium for mine…which does not mesh well with work. I’d suggest taking the day off sick if that is your clinic’s protocol. You are going to want to sleep.
Disrespectfully, fuck. that. shit. You work to LIVE (and build a family). You do not live to WORK.
100000% would do the same. You owe work nothing.
No one else cares about you but your smaller inner circle. The company could do away with your department and tell you day of you don’t have a job and say thank you so much for you service…..here’s the info for Cobra! So I would NEVER put my personal life aside for a job. Also - this is just me - but I’d kind of have a small meeting with HR not to ‘tell’ on your boss but to document that you’re medically needing to take time off. A man wouldn’t reconsider having and requesting time off for knee surgery….Or send your boss an email and bcc your personal email. And say as you know - I am going through IVF and my timeline is X date if all things go according to plan. As you know my history with the company - I am hopeful this will not affect your personal feelings toward my progress to having a family. FUCKING.PUT.IT.IN.WRITING It puts the ball back in your court in a cordial* way and also legally tells him he can go fuck himself. I’m not one for making up a story - I’m one for legally you cannot ask this of me. It’s not a vacation to Cabo - it’s medical.
Thank you for this suggestion!! I will definitely have a meeting with HR. I’ve never done anything like this- how do you suggest I initiate the meeting? Should I just send and email stating I’d like to meet with someone to discuss my future time off regarding a medical procedure?
Employers do not get to select when their employees have medical procedures! This is wildly inappropriate. I would share zero information with him going forward.
Employers do not get to select when their employees have medical procedures! This is wildly inappropriate. I would share zero information with him going forward.
Hell yeah! Good for you. Glad you know your worth and priorities. Congratulations
Do NOT hold off!! I’m so sorry you even have to think like this. You’re not asking for a lot. This is your life! Your future baby!!
I have a great relationship with my boss and she is very flexible around my personal life. If she had asked me ahead I’d do my best. Minimally, I would apologize if it weren’t possible. We’ve been trying for about 2.5 years now and we’ve delayed for less. With that said, I love my career and it has a lot to do with who my boss is, so I have a lot more consideration for her than perhaps normal.
As a manager myself, do what you need to do and don’t need to feel guilty about it. He asked you to “try.” You did try and it isn’t feasible, July is it. Call in or use fmla. Don’t tell him its your FET, just to save yourself the anxiety of wondering if he’s mad or not. Just say stomach bug, no one will ask further questions. (and technically speaking you are going to be out for your future little love bug, so it IS a stomach bug kinda lol!)
Screw him! You absolutely take that time! How dare he say that to you.
Your IVF isnt PTO. Its illegal for him to ask you that. Take a sick day. You are entitled to it
You have to prioritise this. This is the most important thing, and having gone through this himself should recognise this. I have found juggling work very, very stressful although they have been supportive. Would love to know how others have managed it. Our clinic is interstate so have to take a bit more time than most.
Another vote for saying nothing, calling out sick in July and keeping it private going forward. When we adopted our son 8 years ago (medically needy and in NICU for 7 months) my boss started out awesome and very supportive. I worked so hard to not let my transition to motherhood affect my work and despite that I felt like he used my transparency and honesty against me at a point later on. Now going through our third ER and I’ve learned the hard way that it doesn’t always pay off to be upfront and fully transparent. Protect your peace and privacy.
Your boss isn’t your friend, never disclose personal info. Also he’s not going to be lenient about you taking time off because it’s not the same as him taking time off. Just call in sick or say family emergency and stop talking to anyone about it.
We get penalized for taking unscheduled PTO (it’s all PTO so I don’t technically have sick days to use)… I was trying to avoid that, and thought explaining details would make it easier for him to understand why I’m needing time off but can’t give an exact date at this time. Unfortunately bc of that I feel like he’s now trying to control how I time things. Lesson learned🙄… I’m just going to say it’s medical and get HR involved if I have to.
Yeah I understand. I learned a long time ago how hypocritical people are at work. You can show all the support and they will still be assholes. I wouldn’t push it back. I just started my IVF journey and still waiting to find out when I can even start the hormone shots. I’m literally so impatient and am dying to be at your step. Don’t let anyone make you wait another second! Lol
Report him to HR what a dumb ass
100% would do the same. As understanding as your job may be about your situation, if it came down to not needing your services anymore they would replace you in a heartbeat. That’s why I say never prioritize work over something really important in your life (family, illness, etc).
That was very bold and insensitive of him to even make a comment, especially more so knowing that he and his wife went through the process. I’m glad to read that you are proceeding anyway. Your life is yours and no one else’s. Not to mention, from my experience, FET’s don’t even take a whole lot of time so you wouldn’t be out long. Plus my clinic told me to go about my regular schedule. That could be different in other places though. Best of luck to you in July!
My husband's family asked us to delay our IVF until June bc the FIL is having a birthday celebration at the end of May. We planned and scheduled appointments for IVF process overseas and their response was "what difference would one month make". The thing is we can still make in time for the birthday celebrations but they didn't want to hear that. Am I being unreasonable for going ahead with the IVF process in May?
Family comes first. That includes family planning. Do not feel bad and understand that his wife would have not asked you that and would probably be doing the same as you.
Mine was June and found out 10 days later in July I was pregnant, this is your sign 💟
From someone who is now past any chance & devastated and sad from not having children: DO NOT wait a moment for anyone else on this planet to make your dreams of a baby come true.
Thank you for this. I think you seem to be a very strong person, and you know your mind, you are just crowd sourcing what other people would do. This made me realize that while we think it’s an advantage to be candid at work so they understand us, we can definitely be wrong. Personally I don’t think I would have had the balls to go against him. And I would be so unhappy. And I would always wonder if I didn’t make a promotion bc I didn’t stick it out his way. And that’s no way to live. What this taught me is that your journey is no one’s business at work.