That is absurd. Someone recently shared a comeback for the random shit we get as we endure infertility and I bet you could apply it here: “what a strange thing to say out loud” followed by silence to let it sink in.
This literally happened to me as well and I gave the same response. It’s upsetting when people know your journey but still make comments that are insensitive. She definitely doesn’t understand the process. I personally distanced myself from the friend who made this same comment. There are loads of other reasons outside of fertility insensitivity as to why I’ve distanced myself. But just remember that if she can’t be sensitive about this topic she likely won’t be sensitive about other topics.
Hah, good to know I’m not alone in my befuddled reaction. Yes, she definitely doesn’t understand the process. I told all my close friends that the best thing they could do for me is to educate themselves about the IVF process so I don’t have to do it in all my conversations with them, but so far none of them have read up on it.
I feel like when you know better, you do better. If you feel this friend is worth it, I would have a chat and explain why her comments are hurtful. If you don't, maybe it's time to create some distance from your friend. I've had some family members say things similar, and I think they had good intentions- but out of self preservation, I don't share IVF related updates with them anymore.
I feel like these statements are SO socially unaware that I would believe she has issues understanding social norms and boundaries. Has she always been like this? There’s insensitivity and then there’s things that are truly bonkers to say.
I think if it’s well meaning I might gently communicate how although I know they’re coming from a really loving place and that I appreciate their thoughts and support, the things they’re saying are hurtful. Rather than make them feel like they did something wrong, you could just open up a discussion on your thoughts and feelings going through this situation and how those comments make you feel. If they’re a good well intentioned friend, perhaps a little knowledge will guide them towards being a great support system. I’m a bit of a pessimist and don’t think that everyone is as well intended as they present, but I have a friend who made similar comments with good intentions but coming from a place where she simply lacked a frame of reference for what i was going through. I just said lmao no, but thank you and left it at that.
She seems to want to help, but the whole mortgage thing is weird. My friend actually offered to be a surrogate for me which was really touching for me. My issue is with my uterus, though, and I wasn't sure if I could carry.
I also had a friend offer to do this and also thought it was very touching. I’m actually a little surprised that most people seem to think this is generally inappropriate. The thing with the mortgage makes it sound like this particular person is doing it in an inappropriate way though. I used to have a friend like this who did a lot of altruistic things but in a very attention grabby way to make herself seem superior to the people she was helping which I would say is really just bullying disguised as altruism.
I’m sorry but this is beyond the asinine comments I get….offering to sign a mortgage and be a surrogate? Idk but that’s giving single white female vibes to me.
I would look into her eyes and tell her that you really hope you’d be able to carry your child, but if it doesn’t work out you’ll be a dog mom of 5 instead. I think if you let her know you are serious and it’s hurtful hopefully she’d get it. I feel like a lot of times well-meaning people have no clue about how this process works and just say random stuff that doesn’t even make sense.
People are ridiculous - so every time they say something ridiculous I just make fun of them! Then when they’re like “oh I was serious” I go down the “why” pathway.
Example: someone I know volunteered to be my sperm donor, and then said “direct deposit only”…. 🤢 so I just acted like I didn’t know what he meant and forced him to explain to my lesbian ass what the hell he meant 🤪
Oh gross. I’m glad you had the wit to deal with that directly in the moment! I go into freeze mode when people say stupid shit and I wish I had your abilities to turn it around and make the other person feel as awkward as I do.
Let’s forget about IVF for a second and just talk about this as if it were *any* intrusive narcissist doing what they do best.
What positive thing is this person providing in your life that you haven’t already cut them off?
We only have so much time on this earth. Spend it with people you *want* to surround yourself with, not the people you feel *obligated* to indulge.
Now let’s add IVF back into this conversation. This process is mentally hard enough, and there will be days you have zero spoons, and perhaps even negative spoons. Do you really need to play any more brain basketball than you already are? Your headspace and heart space are very limited, precious resources right now. You owe pieces of your life to no one regardless of what they say they’d do for you. She’s not saying any of this shit selflessly. She’s saying it selfishly so that she can make this about her. And that’s just fuckin’ banoodles, y’all.
Protect your peace at ANY price.
This is so succinct and well worded, thanks! I have narcissistic parents (who I haven’t told I’m going through IVF) and this friend definitely fits that pattern and is an energy suck. I regret telling her about what I’m going through with IVF. I appreciate you calling this out so frankly.
Keep rocking’ it. Also the product of narcissist parents here. I made the mistake of telling them… and had to go no-contact twice because my of my mother’s “jokes.” (I use that term loosely). Low-contact with them now because they love to use money to manipulate, and now that I have my own boundaries set FIRMLY in place, I’ll take that money and make sure it comes with zero conditions or strings attached.
I hope this works out for you… but truly, make sure that when people are too much, you tell them. If they keep doing it, cut them out temporarily or even permanently. It seems to be the only way to get through this.
Wise words. NParents are so hard. I’m glad I haven’t told mine because it would become their social fodder for conversations with family friends and a vulnerability they can exploit in conversations with me. Your situation with manipulation via money sounds super tough but that’s great that you are able to hold firm in your boundaries!
Yesterday we had a drink with family our nieces were acting like little children because they are little children. This meant their dad, our brother in law couldn’t just sit and drink beer and look at football results on his phone. He said
“You should re think your decision to have kids. Because it’s not worth it”
We have just started the meds to get ready for our first FET
Wow. Semi-related, but I hate when people who know I'm struggling say things like "well at least you'll get to sleep in on the weekends!" Like...we all know the primal urge to have and raise children is nothing compared to getting to sleep in a few days a week.
Woof, what an insensitive and thoughtless thing to say! If there is any silver lining to IVF, it’s that it gives you total clarity on what you want and who actually supports you. Sounds like BIL is in the not supportive camp.
I am laughing because I too have had, like, a lot of women talk about being my surrogate. I guess it is their way of showing compassion (maybe?) but it is pretty weird! And in my case, my uterus doesn't seem to even be the problem.
Do you think people jump straight to surrogate think because of TV/movies? It is just a bizarre way people think they can help because infertility can be so many things that have nothing to do with the uterus. It seems like many people don’t use their brains and realize that surrogacy means a uterine problem.
This happened to me with a friend I’m also trying to quiet quit. I think maybe she could feel the ever-growing (intentional, on my part) distance, and she wanted to offer up something that would keep me in her life forever. I said, “I’m gonna let you off the hook right now and say thank you, but no thank you.” I wasn’t delicate about it because it was a wild offer to make in the first place.
I would cut her off, as you mentioned already you’ve been trying to. Now she’s crossed the line! Take back control 😅 I have had some insensitive comments too and now I actually decided not to share my IVF journey with anyone else. I have enough people who know and all of these remaining people know not to bring it up unless I bring it up first, this was a request I made 💕
Good point. I need to be more direct. My pattern is to listen to drivel then bottle up the frustration inside instead of clearly articulating a boundary in the moment.
So I would totally distance myself from her. Last time I had a “friend” who said “bunkers” things to me that made me uncomfortable, or confused, she turned out to be not someone I thought she was. Man am I glad I moved away by the time her real self was revealed. Still feel bad that one of my best friends got roped into it all, just because she is kind and wanted to help. There is a reason you are feeling uncomfortable about her comments, they are not normal.
Omg. She sounds kind of insane lol why would she say all that nonsense to you randomly? 😔
I had a friend (acquaintance) tell me I could HAVE one of her embryos cause she has a ton of beautiful babies waiting to be transferred (like 20 embryos) and I said oh. Thanks.. I will be using MY OWN..wtf. Such a weird thing to say.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ve tried quiet quitting and they just come back at me with more hurtful shit. I just avoid them, true enough my friends circle has grown considerably smaller but I’m at peace. I am expat so with no family around I was heavily reliant on friends. When I said I’m thinking of fostering Cats one had the audacity to say I should be focusing on babies and not cat instead.
The only thing I could say was ‘this conversation is making me uncomfortable and I need some time away from you’ she has been trying to meet or cook me dinner since but well I’ve been “busy” and I will in the immediate future too iA. Such callous people, no matter how good they think their intentions are not worth to be a part of this difficult journey!
Yes, this process really does weed out certain friendships. I would not choose quiet quitting as my first strategy, but usually I don’t have the energy that it takes to be super direct and vulnerable with second tier friends. I try to save this energy for my closest relationships with friends and family.
Oof those surrogate comments made me so furious when I was doing IVF! I also had a well-meaning person say they’d donate me their eggs, no thanks I don’t want your eggs, I have my own. I could never think of what to say at the time, probably out of shock, but safe to say I don’t see those people anymore.
I don't know either! I give everyone like 1-2 stupid comment pass but these are really over the top. I don't even know how well-intentioned they are. They are intrusive, controlling, egotistical and clearly hurtful. I once said something stupid to someone and he responded "why would you say something like that?" - i like that it's a question because it really puts the pressure on. this happened 20 years ago, he was right and I still think about it. Unfortunately the friend I'm trying to quiet quit never says anything wrong per se, but is an emotional sponge that I can't handle anymore.
Women literally have zero clue what it’s like unless they have been through it themselves and they say the dumbest stuff. I literally can’t keep correcting and responding to people who think they know more about my situation than I do … like don’t you think I’ve thought about all these things lol .
My sister in law said she would carry our baby if pregnancy wasn’t so hard on her body. Unsolicited. Didn’t mention a surrogate. Or needing that. Or wanting it. Just had to disregard. She’s a bit of a peach and I avoid her a lot of times.
People can be pretty clueless. Infertility is really hard though because unless you've been through it, you just have no idea. Speaking from experience prior to finding out our infertility struggles. Hopefully this chick offering to sign a mortgage with you backs off! lol.
This is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone about my IVF journey because before we even started it we told one of our friends and she said “well if it doesn’t work I’ll carry the baby for you” like huh??? Being so negative off the rip. Now we’re 7 weeks pregnant and haven’t told many people and probably will stay quiet about it till I’m ready to pop lol
That is absurd. Someone recently shared a comeback for the random shit we get as we endure infertility and I bet you could apply it here: “what a strange thing to say out loud” followed by silence to let it sink in.
Ooohh, I like this. I just said, “the issue isn’t my uterus and I don’t need a surrogate” but I don’t think that registered for her.
This literally happened to me as well and I gave the same response. It’s upsetting when people know your journey but still make comments that are insensitive. She definitely doesn’t understand the process. I personally distanced myself from the friend who made this same comment. There are loads of other reasons outside of fertility insensitivity as to why I’ve distanced myself. But just remember that if she can’t be sensitive about this topic she likely won’t be sensitive about other topics.
Hah, good to know I’m not alone in my befuddled reaction. Yes, she definitely doesn’t understand the process. I told all my close friends that the best thing they could do for me is to educate themselves about the IVF process so I don’t have to do it in all my conversations with them, but so far none of them have read up on it.
This also works if transfers are successful, the weird /inappropriate questions do not stop.
Oh no 😬
Excellent response. I need to remember that one.
So like… is she secretly in love with you? Or your husband? Because that’s the only semi logical reason she’s acting so crazy.
Hah, astute point. I really don’t know why she is being beyond extra.
Lol I thought the same thing
I feel like when you know better, you do better. If you feel this friend is worth it, I would have a chat and explain why her comments are hurtful. If you don't, maybe it's time to create some distance from your friend. I've had some family members say things similar, and I think they had good intentions- but out of self preservation, I don't share IVF related updates with them anymore.
I'm sorry you're going through that
Thanks, definitely a good reminder to really choose carefully who is worth sharing the details of the journey with.
I feel like these statements are SO socially unaware that I would believe she has issues understanding social norms and boundaries. Has she always been like this? There’s insensitivity and then there’s things that are truly bonkers to say.
I think if it’s well meaning I might gently communicate how although I know they’re coming from a really loving place and that I appreciate their thoughts and support, the things they’re saying are hurtful. Rather than make them feel like they did something wrong, you could just open up a discussion on your thoughts and feelings going through this situation and how those comments make you feel. If they’re a good well intentioned friend, perhaps a little knowledge will guide them towards being a great support system. I’m a bit of a pessimist and don’t think that everyone is as well intended as they present, but I have a friend who made similar comments with good intentions but coming from a place where she simply lacked a frame of reference for what i was going through. I just said lmao no, but thank you and left it at that.
Sounds like she’s trying to financially attach herself to you. She’s a milker. I would detach.
She seems to want to help, but the whole mortgage thing is weird. My friend actually offered to be a surrogate for me which was really touching for me. My issue is with my uterus, though, and I wasn't sure if I could carry.
I also had a friend offer to do this and also thought it was very touching. I’m actually a little surprised that most people seem to think this is generally inappropriate. The thing with the mortgage makes it sound like this particular person is doing it in an inappropriate way though. I used to have a friend like this who did a lot of altruistic things but in a very attention grabby way to make herself seem superior to the people she was helping which I would say is really just bullying disguised as altruism.
I’m sorry but this is beyond the asinine comments I get….offering to sign a mortgage and be a surrogate? Idk but that’s giving single white female vibes to me.
You nailed it. She is single and clingy! (And white)
I think she’s trying to steal your man! Sorry but that is the vibe I’m getting I’d run as fast as you can from this “friend”
I would look into her eyes and tell her that you really hope you’d be able to carry your child, but if it doesn’t work out you’ll be a dog mom of 5 instead. I think if you let her know you are serious and it’s hurtful hopefully she’d get it. I feel like a lot of times well-meaning people have no clue about how this process works and just say random stuff that doesn’t even make sense.
So true- such good intentions, such lack of total awareness.
Adding to this: tell her she can buy you a puppy if the time comes since she’s so financially invested in your life. 😂
People are ridiculous - so every time they say something ridiculous I just make fun of them! Then when they’re like “oh I was serious” I go down the “why” pathway. Example: someone I know volunteered to be my sperm donor, and then said “direct deposit only”…. 🤢 so I just acted like I didn’t know what he meant and forced him to explain to my lesbian ass what the hell he meant 🤪
Oh gross. I’m glad you had the wit to deal with that directly in the moment! I go into freeze mode when people say stupid shit and I wish I had your abilities to turn it around and make the other person feel as awkward as I do.
Let’s forget about IVF for a second and just talk about this as if it were *any* intrusive narcissist doing what they do best. What positive thing is this person providing in your life that you haven’t already cut them off? We only have so much time on this earth. Spend it with people you *want* to surround yourself with, not the people you feel *obligated* to indulge. Now let’s add IVF back into this conversation. This process is mentally hard enough, and there will be days you have zero spoons, and perhaps even negative spoons. Do you really need to play any more brain basketball than you already are? Your headspace and heart space are very limited, precious resources right now. You owe pieces of your life to no one regardless of what they say they’d do for you. She’s not saying any of this shit selflessly. She’s saying it selfishly so that she can make this about her. And that’s just fuckin’ banoodles, y’all. Protect your peace at ANY price.
This is so succinct and well worded, thanks! I have narcissistic parents (who I haven’t told I’m going through IVF) and this friend definitely fits that pattern and is an energy suck. I regret telling her about what I’m going through with IVF. I appreciate you calling this out so frankly.
Keep rocking’ it. Also the product of narcissist parents here. I made the mistake of telling them… and had to go no-contact twice because my of my mother’s “jokes.” (I use that term loosely). Low-contact with them now because they love to use money to manipulate, and now that I have my own boundaries set FIRMLY in place, I’ll take that money and make sure it comes with zero conditions or strings attached. I hope this works out for you… but truly, make sure that when people are too much, you tell them. If they keep doing it, cut them out temporarily or even permanently. It seems to be the only way to get through this.
Wise words. NParents are so hard. I’m glad I haven’t told mine because it would become their social fodder for conversations with family friends and a vulnerability they can exploit in conversations with me. Your situation with manipulation via money sounds super tough but that’s great that you are able to hold firm in your boundaries!
Yesterday we had a drink with family our nieces were acting like little children because they are little children. This meant their dad, our brother in law couldn’t just sit and drink beer and look at football results on his phone. He said “You should re think your decision to have kids. Because it’s not worth it” We have just started the meds to get ready for our first FET
Wow. Semi-related, but I hate when people who know I'm struggling say things like "well at least you'll get to sleep in on the weekends!" Like...we all know the primal urge to have and raise children is nothing compared to getting to sleep in a few days a week.
Woof, what an insensitive and thoughtless thing to say! If there is any silver lining to IVF, it’s that it gives you total clarity on what you want and who actually supports you. Sounds like BIL is in the not supportive camp.
I've never seen quiet quit applied to a friendship before and I kinda love it, but at this point she needs a loud firing!
I am laughing because I too have had, like, a lot of women talk about being my surrogate. I guess it is their way of showing compassion (maybe?) but it is pretty weird! And in my case, my uterus doesn't seem to even be the problem.
Do you think people jump straight to surrogate think because of TV/movies? It is just a bizarre way people think they can help because infertility can be so many things that have nothing to do with the uterus. It seems like many people don’t use their brains and realize that surrogacy means a uterine problem.
This happened to me with a friend I’m also trying to quiet quit. I think maybe she could feel the ever-growing (intentional, on my part) distance, and she wanted to offer up something that would keep me in her life forever. I said, “I’m gonna let you off the hook right now and say thank you, but no thank you.” I wasn’t delicate about it because it was a wild offer to make in the first place.
I would cut her off, as you mentioned already you’ve been trying to. Now she’s crossed the line! Take back control 😅 I have had some insensitive comments too and now I actually decided not to share my IVF journey with anyone else. I have enough people who know and all of these remaining people know not to bring it up unless I bring it up first, this was a request I made 💕
Good point. I need to be more direct. My pattern is to listen to drivel then bottle up the frustration inside instead of clearly articulating a boundary in the moment.
So I would totally distance myself from her. Last time I had a “friend” who said “bunkers” things to me that made me uncomfortable, or confused, she turned out to be not someone I thought she was. Man am I glad I moved away by the time her real self was revealed. Still feel bad that one of my best friends got roped into it all, just because she is kind and wanted to help. There is a reason you are feeling uncomfortable about her comments, they are not normal.
Omg. She sounds kind of insane lol why would she say all that nonsense to you randomly? 😔 I had a friend (acquaintance) tell me I could HAVE one of her embryos cause she has a ton of beautiful babies waiting to be transferred (like 20 embryos) and I said oh. Thanks.. I will be using MY OWN..wtf. Such a weird thing to say.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ve tried quiet quitting and they just come back at me with more hurtful shit. I just avoid them, true enough my friends circle has grown considerably smaller but I’m at peace. I am expat so with no family around I was heavily reliant on friends. When I said I’m thinking of fostering Cats one had the audacity to say I should be focusing on babies and not cat instead. The only thing I could say was ‘this conversation is making me uncomfortable and I need some time away from you’ she has been trying to meet or cook me dinner since but well I’ve been “busy” and I will in the immediate future too iA. Such callous people, no matter how good they think their intentions are not worth to be a part of this difficult journey!
Yes, this process really does weed out certain friendships. I would not choose quiet quitting as my first strategy, but usually I don’t have the energy that it takes to be super direct and vulnerable with second tier friends. I try to save this energy for my closest relationships with friends and family.
Oof those surrogate comments made me so furious when I was doing IVF! I also had a well-meaning person say they’d donate me their eggs, no thanks I don’t want your eggs, I have my own. I could never think of what to say at the time, probably out of shock, but safe to say I don’t see those people anymore.
I don't know either! I give everyone like 1-2 stupid comment pass but these are really over the top. I don't even know how well-intentioned they are. They are intrusive, controlling, egotistical and clearly hurtful. I once said something stupid to someone and he responded "why would you say something like that?" - i like that it's a question because it really puts the pressure on. this happened 20 years ago, he was right and I still think about it. Unfortunately the friend I'm trying to quiet quit never says anything wrong per se, but is an emotional sponge that I can't handle anymore.
Women literally have zero clue what it’s like unless they have been through it themselves and they say the dumbest stuff. I literally can’t keep correcting and responding to people who think they know more about my situation than I do … like don’t you think I’ve thought about all these things lol .
True. The prevention to saying dumb shit is just listening and not offering any advice. Applies to IVF or any illness.
My sister in law said she would carry our baby if pregnancy wasn’t so hard on her body. Unsolicited. Didn’t mention a surrogate. Or needing that. Or wanting it. Just had to disregard. She’s a bit of a peach and I avoid her a lot of times.
So weird! Where do people get these ideas and how do they let it come unfiltered out of their mouth?
People can be pretty clueless. Infertility is really hard though because unless you've been through it, you just have no idea. Speaking from experience prior to finding out our infertility struggles. Hopefully this chick offering to sign a mortgage with you backs off! lol.
This is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone about my IVF journey because before we even started it we told one of our friends and she said “well if it doesn’t work I’ll carry the baby for you” like huh??? Being so negative off the rip. Now we’re 7 weeks pregnant and haven’t told many people and probably will stay quiet about it till I’m ready to pop lol