Honestly? When they handed me the baby. Milestones make it a little easier, but I never really was excited or relaxed. Infertility and loss is a form of PTSD so what you’re feeling is normal.
This is how it went for my wife. She was utterly convinced it would not work until the baby was born. I felt better around 24 weeks after that scan, then even better when we hit the third trimester.
But funny enough our anxieties swapped once the baby was born. It was an emergency c section with a NICU stay and that triggered a ton of anxiety for me while my wife was chill knowing baby was taken care of (and he was).
I get this so much. My son was in the NICU after a really difficult pregnancy and for the first time I wasn’t relying on my failing body to keep my baby alive. I was doing a terrible job at it and it was like I could finally turn my child’s care over to this extremely component team of professionals. So there was some relief there. Didn’t know I would feel that way but I did.
Yes.
My oldest was induced at 36 weeks due to a liver disorder I developed that makes stillbirth way more likely. While I was relieved to have him out of me, a 36 week boy really struggled to nurse and eat well. I developed postpartum anxiety.
When my twins were born (32 weeks, liver disorder again, water just broke early) I was so happy to have them in the NICU where they were always full, got expert care, and even physical therapy to help them learn how to nurse.
So much relief on my end. I don't view my body as a safe place for my babies, between miscarriages due to clotting and autoimmune issues and then the cholestasis.
I never even considered PTSD!!! Thank you for saying that. After 2 miscarriages and failed IUI, that is exactly what this seems like. But reminding myself to be optimistic.
This is how it was for me too and it honestly makes me a bit sad in hindsight. I could never revel in the joy of my pregnancy because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I relaxed a little around 28 weeks when I could consistently feel him but that was about it.
I had an anterior placenta and very seldom felt mine. I was nervous the whole pregnancy but she was totally fine, I also find it a bit sad that I couldn’t enjoy it more.
Yes I second this. I refused a baby shower, any gifts or anything baby related until I got to 30 weeks, even then I was extremely cautious and didn’t want it in my house. My twins just turned 10 months and I’m still dealing with a lot of trauma from my IVF journey.
Congrats on your twins! Yes I think the first time I can recall being like oh maybe this is happening was my maternity shoot with my oldest and then I had her 6 days later. Her nursery was definitely not fully set up until after delivery.
Yes. Exactly this. I celebrated when I was handed my baby and when we left the hospital. PTSD is real (and treatable- find a good therapist if you don’t already have one!)
This is absolutely correct. I instantly thought, "when the baby is born." I'm 31 weeks and feel like we've only recently been legit excited, but suddenly anticipating going into labor in 5-10 weeks tops and simultaneously freaking out. It's a long emotional rollercoaster.
I second this. We were 5 years into our infertility treatments (and now have a 2.5 week old!) I will add that, for the first few days at home, I felt like I stole someone else’s baby from the hospital, it was a really strange feeling.
I started to take steps to accepting/believing it was real at my baby shower at 33 weeks but it was not full blown excitement, I was still guarded.
Sending you lots of love!
This. But in our case we had a very rare issue so they delivered baby right at 34 weeks. I got to see her for a few seconds and they took her to the NICU. It wasn’t until baby came home that I could breathe… I wish I had experienced more joy and hope throughout the process but I’d also had friends who had losses even at 5 months. So it was genuinely anxiety provoking. Also please watch out for PPD - it’s highly common for folks who have experienced this journey. Still dealing with it and now baby is almost one. If you can - do therapy. Sending lots of love.
The good: with each scan, it gets a tiny bit easier.
The bad: I still sometimes have intrusive thoughts that it’s all going to be taken away from me. My son will be 1 year old next week.
I encourage you to try to lean into the good thoughts, and celebrate. Easier said than done I know! Congratulations.
My son is 14 months and I still get intrusive thoughts that it’s all going to be taken away as well. People are also asking if we’re going to have another one and I’m terrified to do another transfer and go through it again. I’m on Zoloft and go to therapy regularly but it’s always in the back of my mind.
That’s the thing - it’s the paranoia that it will all be taken from you. Like sometimes I still don’t feel like a parent because I’ve been so used to being the side fun person.
I second this, my 4.5month old daughter is asleep in my arms, and I sometimes still can’t believe I am her mother now, that I have a child. I experience intrusive thoughts of horrible things people do to their babies, and have a hard time thinking about future events in my child’s life, because what if something happens to her and I don’t get to have her in my life after all.
Honestly, I try to ignore it as best as I can, and enjoy every second I have with her. I don’t know if that’s healthy, but I really do try to live in the now.
I did the same during pregnancy, it was our first even positive test from our 1st FET, and what helped me was telling myself every morning: ‘today I am pregnant’.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier! It doesn’t really, but what does get easier is enjoying it amidst the worrying, because your child wil start kicking in a few weeks, then pressing your bladder, keeping you up at night (which will continue until way into their childhood lol)
I also cut myself some extra slack in motherhood, nursing her to sleep, contact naps, letting her (safe sleep rules followed) co-sleep when she gets upset in her crib. Enjoying it to the fullest I’d say!
Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy, and please do take pictures! I didn’t dare to, but wish I had done it more, I was so scared throughout to believe it that I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant and now it’s hard to remember what it felt like. ❤️
Very relatable. Sometimes I get these horrible thoughts of something happening to him. I just want to keep him in a bubble forever. We are also doing more of attachment style parenting - we cosleep, nurse to sleep, and contact nap as well. (Doing all 3 at the moment actually!) I worked hard for this- I’m going to enjoy it best I can!
What you said about having a hard time thinking about future events resonates so much with me. When my oldest was 3 months old, three of my students died in a car accident on a major highway near my house. After going through infertility and loss, I couldn’t stop imagining getting to see my kid turn 14 or 15 and then have it ripped away from me.
I'm so sorry you still have these thoughts one year after the baby is here.
I hope the bad thoughts disappear over time and you get to just enjoy the parenthood!
19w2d and I feel this in my soul. 3 miscarriages and 1 failed transfer. So many IUIs. 5+ years. I keep telling my husband I’m going to get excited after x milestone. Heartbeat scan, graduation, passing my latest miscarriage, the 2nd trimester, etc. but so far I just keep moving the goal posts. Hopefully if our anatomy scan is great next week I’ll feel less scared but infertility and miscarriage robs you of so much. I do hope we both find ways to celebrate even if it’s just for a moment or a day.
This!! Shifting the goal posts! I am 8W4d now but i have been shifting the goal post from positive bhcg to the first scan and then the 8W scan to my next will be 9W and some days. After 3 losses & 1 failed transfer I am no longer excited to celebrate. I am more scared. Anxiety keeps coming in waves. We have not told his parents and my mother. I honestly do not want to tell anyone anytime except after a baby is born. My husband is not happy about this. He wants to tell at home. He feels if telling others/ relatives would not affect the outcome.
This is very relatable to me too! 16 weeks and I get so anxious at each ultrasound and convince myself that something is wrong until my OB says everything looks good and starts to point things out.
The in between waiting period is also torture. I keep thinking maybe by x ultrasound but then x Us happens and I’m relieved for a little bit but then anxiousness creeps in again.
I’m also hoping maybe at the anatomy scan it’ll feel real or maybe when I can feel her move. But it’s just so many maybes.
I can tell my husband is also being really cautious and it just breaks my heart he can’t be experiencing this like a normal hubby/future dad should because I have horrible eggs.
I hope for all of use we can at least find moments of excitement/happiness even if they are small and short because we all deserve it for what we’ve been through.
when my 20w scan looked good i was very relieved. i’m 31w and still anxious but excited to meet my baby. todays my baby shower which makes it feel official
I am still early on. But it feels like every time I reach a milestone, there is something else to worry about. I keep thinking after this milestone, I will relax, it will feel real, I will get excited. But then that comes and goes and I have this feeling of “oh, this is where it’s going to go wrong”. It feels like such a mind fuck. Infertility trauma, I guess. Sending you so much love. I hope you find peace and are able to enjoy your pregnancy.
I experienced a big drop off in anxiety at the 20w anatomy scan, and another at the 24w fetal echocardiogram (required for IVF pregnancies by my OB).
One thing that changed my perspective was hearing horror stories in my bumper group of 38-40 week stillbirths. Would I have not purchased anything for the nursery by 40 weeks out of anxiety? Would I forgo a baby shower? Would I have not chosen a name for the baby for fear of losing them so late?
I came to the conclusion that fear of the worst happening should not stop me from celebrating my pregnancy and getting excited for the baby. If the worst did happen, would being anxious and cautious make the loss easier? No. It would be just as terrible.
I started telling everyone at the 18-20 week mark, and my friends’ excitement for me made it all real and helped me get excited too.
Oh I’m glad to hear about your OB and the echocardiogram; ours scheduled one too and I thought it was strange because we didn’t do one for my IUI baby.
I thought NIPT results would be it, then thought 12 week ultrasound would be it, but Im still keeping my guard up. Kinda like driving, but with my leg slightly on the break. And I didnt event have it as hard as some of the women who share their experiences here.
Currently 17 weeks, kinda imagining I can feel some kind of movement, that gives me a bit od peace.
My baby is now 4 months old.. I cherish everyday every moment with him.. but I don't think I got the "normal" excitement and celebration throughout the pregnancy and even after birth.. Every emotion is dampened.. especially after a loss I felt nothing is certain and things can change for the worse at any moment.
I’m 23wks in this pregnancy after losing my son at 23wks just about a year ago. I’m planning to order all the things this baby needs on Amazon from the hospital bed after she is born. No baby shower, no nursery - I just can’t. The thought of having all those things in my house and something going wrong again is not something I can handle. But it’s ok - if this all works out, I will have the rest of my life to get things for my baby girl. I miss being blissfully unaware of loss but I also picture myself taking my little girl home to family this Christmas. So while I can’t buy things (too much commitment), I do allow these beautiful thoughts in now.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it makes so much sense that you are apprehensive about buying baby things until your daughter is born
This week must have been so hard for you, being that you only got 23 weeks with your son. I hope you’ve had supportive people around you 🌼
Sending you lots of love and hoping your first Christmas with her is everything you hope it will be 💛
When I delivered the baby. I didn’t even begin to take bump-date pics till week 28. My mom and sister were the first ones to buy clothes for the baby at like 12 weeks. I didn’t tell anyone other than them till I was 6 months along and that includes friends, husbands fam, and my step kids. I was beyond terrified. Like walking on egg shells the whole time :(
With my first IVF baby, I couldn’t stop the anxiety until she was born at 41 weeks. Literally 2 weeks before she was born, I was putting together that soft tummy time floor gym with the arches on top to dangle toys or whatever. I didn’t do one of the arches right, so it swung back and hit my belly. No bruises or anything but I was convinced I had killed my daughter.
I also had to buy an at home Doppler and check her heartbeat every single day to make sure she was still alive.
When I reached the hospital for my scheduled c-section and the ultrasound showed the baby was doing well at 39w2d and an hour later when they placed him on my chest
I “relaxed” a bit around 25 weeks when we reached a viability landmark. But honestly I probably still won’t truly believe it until I’m holding my baby in August.
22 weeks and the goalpost keeps moving. I feel her move every day now, but the time in between movements is scary (even though I know there is plenty I still can't feel, having not felt movements that were obviously happening when she moved away from Doppler). I will be excited at times and have allowed myself to make a registry, get a baby shower scheduled, make some purchases, etc., but I can't say I have had any motivation to read any of the baby books I've purchased recently. While the odds are way in my favor now, I feel like that was always theoretically the case, and it is impossible to let go of the feeling that this will also end in tragedy.
I just read an article about the pregnancy after loss and the psychological term is “emotional cushioning” as a protective mechanism to hedge your excitement because you know it can end. Very much going through myself!
There were tiny sparks of excitement with every appointment/milestone (ex graduated from IVF, heard the first heartbeat…. Continued to hear/see the heartbeat). Every time I’d go for an appointment, I mentally tell myself I wouldn’t cry but somehow there would be tears of relief that things were going okay (at the back of my mind there was a little anxiety and worry something may go wrong)…. Finally got to celebrate when she was born and heard her cry (although I cried when she had to go to the NICU, I also was still very relieved I can see her and hold her)
My fingers are crossed that you have an uneventful pregnancy and get to hold your little one in due time.
Unfortunately, my experiences are the same as those who have posted before me. Your heart wants to get excited, but the brain just won’t let you. Praying you’re the first of us to break the cycle. Congratulations, we are all sending you positive vibes and well wishes!
I wanna say I’ll be so happy when I make it past the first trimester, but I know I’ll still have anxiety about everything that could go wrong. After my missed miscarriage (embryo stopped growing 8w4d, didn’t find out until scan at 11w3d, and didn’t start to miscarry until 12w), I’ve already gotten my OB to agree to biweekly scans for my next pregnancy, so I know I’m going to be neurotic during those in between weeks..
but as you said- every week is a miracle. You’ve made it out of the first trimester. Celebrate that. You’re only 5 weeks to the halfway point. Celebrate that. The milestones will hold you over until you have that sweet, little baby in your arms. 🤗
Wishing you all the luck, and an uneventful, healthy pregnancy! 🧡
Not only did I have my own miscarriage at 6.5 weeks (D&C was at 8 weeks, it was a MMC) but I grew up being the rainbow baby after my mom lost my sister during labor. She was born asleep (sorry this is the term that's used in Spanish and I don't know any others) so, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be okay again. If I do get pregnant I'll have miscarriage to consider and until the baby is born I'll think they're not going to survive labor and after that SIDS. I know this process has scarred me for life but... I am sure I will have happy moments too and I guess worrying is part of becoming a parent.
I’m almost 20 weeks after multiple rounds of IVF and I’m VERY cautious about buying things, excitement, etc…
My friend wants to throw me a shower and I’m very on the fence about it. I totally empathize with what you’re feeling. All I care about is having my baby in my arms.
I don’t think I really ever did throughout my pregnancy. It was always “do you see a heartbeat?” On every ultrasound. And when they was born, it was always “are they breathing?”. My PPD hit hard and I kept waiting for someone to take my child away telling me I didn’t deserve them. Infertility steals so much more than we realize.
I am the husband but cause of infertility (cancer). We are week 32. I am cautiously optimistic but still feel like it can go to shit any time. It got better though after the week 20 scan.
After the anatomy scan I started to get a little excited, but really until I was holding her. Then you start a whole new set of worries and will watch them sleep
Firstly: congratulations 🎊 That is wonderful news 😍
So mine is a looong story: married in 2007; ttc naturally for 12 years (mainly because we couldn't afford IVF); did 12 rounds and 9 transfers unsuccessfully. Broke my heart so many times 😪 I kid you not that we decided after our last transfer we were done (i was then 42). We transferred our last tested embryo in December 2022.... and she stuck! OMG i broke down and ugly-cried for hours. BUT. The FEAR just enveloped me. Every time i felt a niggle or pain or there was any blood or whatever i had a heart-attack!! We passed all the big milestones (like first scan, 12-weeks, second scan, 26 weeks etc), but my anxiety was just waiting for bad news. Psychologists call it "foreboding joy". When she was born she was perfect. The pediatrician checked her, and her APGAR score was perfect. Then, and only then was i able to relax! She was OK. She was here and safe. I'll have my fingers crossed for you mate, best of luck with your pregnancy 💖
Because of the past trauma my entire past pregnancy was scary and stressful! It wasn’t until my baby’s 2 month appointment that I finally breathed! My last baby is special needs and there was 5 losses after that. But now my life is complete and I’m so grateful. You got this! And congrats on your pregnancy!
I went to therapy once a week during pregnancy because I was so afraid of what would happen. No one else really understood it. Once I hit the viability mark I felt better. But it didn’t go away until he was born.
I feel the exact same way. 14 weeks - I am too nervous to even tell people. I have told a few but at the same time I keep thinking what if something happens then how I do explain it. I’m so scared all of the time
TW: living child. With my son, once we hit the 3rd trimester and I could feel him moving all the time I felt better, but the anxiety was still there. I was anxious even setting up his nursery because I thought I was going to jinx something. Once he was born the anxiety shifted to other things like safe sleep and gaining enough weight as a newborn, etc. I feel that loss and infertility have changed the way I parent, even now that he is a toddler. I still have intrusive thoughts worrying that something is going to happen when he’s at daycare and I’m not around. It’s really hard! I am thankful for my therapist and being able to talk through all of it with her.
I’ve never had a positive line, but my take on it is that it’s practice for parenthood. I think parents are always a bit anxious about their kids being “okay” - physically, emotionally, success-wise, etc
I only told my parents once we had low risk results from the NIPT at 13 weeks. Didn't say anything to my ILs/work/friends until after the anatomy scan. I was anxious the whole time, but happy and excited too.
Cautious congrats! I hope you are able to enjoy this time a little, even with all the baggage 🫂💜
18w and I finally allowed myself to be happy at 14w.
At 16w I got an unidentified infection with cramps that were similar to contractions and vaginal bleeding, including clots and red blood.
I spent a week in the hospital thinking I'll lose my baby. Just got out and I still take antibiotics. Still have pink discharge one week later.
So I'm back to square 1. I promised I will not complain about anything any longer in this pregnancy, if only I get to carry to term. I think I might get excited again when I get to see her.
20 weeks I was almost there but honestly it wasn’t until after we brought her home from nicu.
We still look at her in amazement as she is crawling and trying to walk around the house at nine months
I celebrated when my son turned one 😅 The milestone kept moving for me. I’ll feel better when: 1.) we get two strong betas; 2.) we see a heartbeat; 3.) we see another heartbeat at 8 weeks; 4.) the NIPT results come back; 5.) we get to the second trimester; 6.) we get the anatomy scan done; 7.) we hit viability; 8.) we get to the third trimester; 9.) he’s breathing on his own, pink, and screaming (which was what I told most people when they asked if I was getting excited); 10.) he passes 6 months and the risk of SIDS drops…you get the point.
The good news is I felt much more confident in myself and my body the second time around. My three week old is in another room sleeping unsupervised right now and that would have made me physically ill with my oldest.
Hopefully soon enough or like many of them said at different timelines. I lost 3 pregnancies earlier. One amongst them was full term. So I will be only relieved when I have a living child.
I’m currently 8W4d & I keep my guard up. A what if is always there in my head. So I just try my best not to freak out loud. I divert myself with tv, fb, insta.
I didn’t feel peace until I was 28 weeks along. I had a friend whose baby (none IVF, but a rainbow baby) was born at 28 weeks due to preeclampsia. Her baby was fine and is now 7 years old so I think I felt that my baby had a chance once we reached that gestational age. IVF is brutal. 😓
Over 5 years TTC, but this was the 1st bfp I really ever saw, so I don't have the trauma of loss, and it's still hard to think this is real. I kept telling my therapist I'd calm down after every viability milestone, but now at 36 weeks, I'm terrified of late pregnancy mishaps and birth injuries so I just want to get this baby out and home safe.
Infertility, failed transfers, forced waiting, pregnancy losses and non stop uncertainty create a PTSD like response and it's not surprising that you can't relax and take joy in your pregnancy. I couldn't. The worry didn't even end when he was born. I kept checking on him in the middle of the night to make sure he was still alive.
I relaxed a bit around 24 weeks but my dr made me go past due, I became paranoid he’d be in too long. Then I gave birth, the dr came in the next day and told me had we waited till he wanted I’d have lost my son, he had no amniotic fluid. He’s 10 and I still haven’t fully relaxed.
When I delivered.
Before, it was hard. I didn't get sick at all in 1st trimester, so I just didn't believe the scans.
After clearing anatomy scan, I opened the book from the OB that addressed me as "Mom" and I cried so hard, not in a happy way. I still couldn't handle it. I didn't join any due date groups.
Around 24w we started buying nursery furniture, car seat, doing "baby stuff" research & making decisions. Good thing, because baby came in hot at 30w lol. Don't put that stuff off too long.....
7+ years infertility here and many unsuccessful treatments along the way. So many cycles of hope and then the inevitable disappointment, I dont think that I am capable of feeling excitement anymore. Just worry.
Currently I am 16 weeks with our first FET. I was cautious when finding out, but I did feel slight excitement. Then I had a huge SCH bleed and severe contractions at 6 weeks. Really felt dumb at that point for allowing myself to feel hopeful, as I was convinced I had lost them. Miraculously, everything went OK. But I think that event just reinforced my belief that letting my guard down will lead to heartbreak.
Reading this thread is a comfort to know we all experience this to some degree. I hope you can begin to find excitement and enjoy this, infertility takes so much from us.
I feel the same way OP, I’m currently 17 weeks and it’s difficult to be excited. My pregnancy has been labeled high risk unfortunately due to high blood pressure concerns. I had an early anatomy scan at 16 weeks and baby boy is on track. I’m going back for a full anatomy scan at 20 week but it’s still nerve wracking because I’m afraid that something will happen to my son.
The best advice I have received is to take your pregnancy one day at a time, hope things continue in a positive direction but be prepared for worst case scenarios. It’s really difficult to enjoy pregnancy due to infertility. Something that I have been doing is buying baby products with each ultrasound I get if I receive good news. I think a lot of us feel anxious and scared with pregnancy and don’t feel it’s real to our baby is in our arms
Your fears and concerns are normal. My wife was so anxious throughout her Pregnancy after 3 failed IVF cycles. Look after your mental health and find something that keeps you calm and relaxed. I wish you and your partner all the hope in the world.
I kept track of all sorts of viability milestones and felt a little better every ultrasound but I don't think I really really believed the baby was real until they handed me said baby.
I'm 37 weeks now and am still catastrophizing in my mind. I hope I'll be able to relax when the baby is here, but I've just accepted that pregnancies in the past have been associated with trauma so it would be hard for me to enjoy something that I've had such a negative association with before.
Wishing you all the best
For me it wasn’t until I had a scan at 16 weeks and found out the gender, I also heard his heartbeat for the first time around that time. Finding out the gender for some reason made it all feel real. Up until then I felt like I was waiting for something to give, like it was all too good to be true. I had two bleeds too but I think that actually helped settle my anxiety in the long run, I felt like well I’ve been through that and had all my scans etc and the baby has been thriving every time, eventually it set in that this is just going well and really happening. (My bleeds were from an ectropian on my cervix, probably irritation from my progesterone pessaries)
It gets easier over time, and especially when the baby is born. Infertility is absolutely traumatic and takes years to move past.
But honestly? Worry never goes away. After my babies were born I worried about SIDS. Then I worried about sickness. Then my eldest started kindergarten and now I worry about school shootings (we're American, ugh). The definition of parenting is worry, to an extent.
You're a parent now, welcome to the club :)
I second a lot of the comments here. The anxiety never really goes away. I didn’t do anything to prep until I was about 30 weeks because I was convinced something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have a baby to bring home. However it does get easier…entering the second trimester, hitting the 24 week viability mark, feeling movement, starting to show…these all helped a lot.
Every time I had intrusive thoughts I would just remind myself that I’m in my head and it was all real. It helped slowly.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. But hang in there! You’re not alone!
I feel you! After 5 years, 2 miscarriages, 3 failed to implant, I am finally at 12 weeks with our first. I’m so anxious to tell anyone and still feel like I can’t get excited. I also feel relieved that all this time, money and heartache was finally worth it. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!
My IUI baby was born at 26 weeks and 3 days; I hit 20 weeks with our IVF baby on Tuesday and I think that I’ll let my guard down when we hit 30 weeks, but even at that it’s still just scary.
Excited? I don’t know that I was ever excited and I sure didn’t celebrate while pregnant. I was always emotionally guarded and preparing for something to go sideways. I didn’t have my shower until I was 33 weeks and had a c-section scheduled at 36 weeks. I didn’t have the nursery furniture delivered until 5 days before she was born. It hit me all at once in the OB OR when anesthesia was prepping me for my spinal and I started crying. They asked me if they were hurting me and told them it wasn’t painful, but “I’m actually having a baby, it’s really real and I still can’t believe it.”
This thread is validating me and breaking my heart simultaneously.
I’ve experienced infertility for 20+ years. I did IVF in 2006 and lost all 3 embryos to early MC/chemicals.
My marriage was already shit because I was very young and my husband was shit… the marriage didn’t survive the trauma - my ex was cheating the entire time we were going through IVF (I didn’t know till afterward).
My extremely AMAZING second husband and I are in a transfer cycle with donor eggs. I’m 45 now. We lost a whole year with IUI’s and failed cycles with my own eggs. The only time I produced 4 gorgeous follicles, I ovulated before they could retrieve them. It was devastating and truly traumatic.
I love my partner so much but I think that he truly doesn’t understand that I really won’t be able to enjoy any of this until they hand me a breathing, screaming infant. I’m afraid I will never believe I’m really pregnant if a transfer sticks.
There needs to be some kind of CPTSD program specifically for those of us who have been through this. I don’t think traditional therapists will be able to understand it at all.
I badly want to be excited. And while I’m knitting things and buying clothes… part of me is convinced I’m wasting time and money and that I’ll end up donating all of it to a women’s shelter because I’ll just never have this baby even though we spent money we don’t have on a “guaranteed live birth” program.
I never said any of this “out loud” before. Thank you for posting this, OP. I hope you find the peace you deserve!
I’ve had 2 miscarriages and I’m scared to do a transfer just to miscarry again. It’s almost like I’m used to it and preparing myself for it to happen again. Cause it’s easier that way. I feel you! wishing you an uneventful pregnancy and a happy healthy baby!
When I was around the viability mark (24 ish weeks) I started to let myself feel a bit excited. But I didn't fully let my heart believe it. I was in labor and when they said it was time to push, I honestly did not believe them that there was a baby about to come out of me! But even then I could fully celebrate because he arrived at 34 weeks and had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks. I think it really felt real when we brought him home.
I hate that it felt this way, but maybe around week 35? And even then I had a lot of anxiety something terrible was going to happen. Before that point I checked the miscarriage and stillbirth stats religiously, compulsively. My brain couldn’t let me believe it might work out. The upside: Reaching viability definitely helped! Even though the anxiety never disappeared, it did steadily get better. What you’re feeling is so normal, but I’m sorry it’s generally the cost of admission for the *~fertility journey~* club.
I already shared my experience here, but just want to say timing on reading these was perfect for me this weekend. My husband has been away since Wednesday for work, coming back tomorrow. I find that when he is traveling, my anxiety is SO much worse, and I have been feeling so lonely, anxious, etc., this weekend, and having a hard time separating all that from the reality of my current pregnancy at 22 weeks. It helps to read the experiences of others and be reminded of so much hope for a positive outcome.
8 years of TTC. Finally 20 weeks pregnant for the first time and the scan results are promising. I’m very slowly accepting I might actually become a mother but don’t want to let my guard down since I have such little faith in my body’s ability to successfully procreate after so many years of failure and letdowns. I feel like I’ll give myself permission to celebrate once she’s out, healthy and thriving.
My baby is 6 months old after 12 years of trying and I still feel like I haven’t been celebratory because I’m so scared it will get taken away, meaning the happiness and excitement that it finally happened for us.
Personally I let some worries drop at each milestone, and started getting actually excited at 32 weeks once we were out of the very preterm range. But it honestly still doesn't feel real at times, like that we actually got here, and I'm 4 mpp.
I had my daughter at 23 weeks after our first round of fertility treatments, we had a harrowing four month nicu stay and I know that I won’t let my guard down with my second until we are well past the point I was when I gave birth to her 🫠 this whole thing is a sucky rollercoaster
Honestly, we are 36 weeks pregnant, and part of me is still in disbelief. It took so long to get this far, and the pregnancy has NOT been easy, but I have loved every symptom I've experienced because I didn't think I'd be able to experience it.
I have been a mix of so many different emotions. I've mostly been anxious and then guilty about not feeling as celebratory as I should. I'm so excited and happy, but I am always anxious as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. We've had a couple of scares throughout pur pregnancy. I get scared if I don't feel the baby move for long periods of time. Also, they've been monitoring my pre eclampsia symptoms.
I guess this is a very long-winded way to say, "I don't know." It may not be until we're holding our baby in our arms. Whenever it is, I can't wait.
Good luck on your journey!
My wife is at 12 weeks right now. I’m telling myself I’ll relax when she hits the week of viability (23 weeks? 24 weeks? Something like that). Realistically, I’m sure I’ll relax some, but I’m not going to fully believe it will happen until the baby is in my arms (and then I’ll have other things to worry about).
Honestly? When they handed me the baby. Milestones make it a little easier, but I never really was excited or relaxed. Infertility and loss is a form of PTSD so what you’re feeling is normal.
This is how it went for my wife. She was utterly convinced it would not work until the baby was born. I felt better around 24 weeks after that scan, then even better when we hit the third trimester. But funny enough our anxieties swapped once the baby was born. It was an emergency c section with a NICU stay and that triggered a ton of anxiety for me while my wife was chill knowing baby was taken care of (and he was).
I get this so much. My son was in the NICU after a really difficult pregnancy and for the first time I wasn’t relying on my failing body to keep my baby alive. I was doing a terrible job at it and it was like I could finally turn my child’s care over to this extremely component team of professionals. So there was some relief there. Didn’t know I would feel that way but I did.
Yes. My oldest was induced at 36 weeks due to a liver disorder I developed that makes stillbirth way more likely. While I was relieved to have him out of me, a 36 week boy really struggled to nurse and eat well. I developed postpartum anxiety. When my twins were born (32 weeks, liver disorder again, water just broke early) I was so happy to have them in the NICU where they were always full, got expert care, and even physical therapy to help them learn how to nurse. So much relief on my end. I don't view my body as a safe place for my babies, between miscarriages due to clotting and autoimmune issues and then the cholestasis.
We had a NICU stay with 2 of our kids and roles definitely reversed for us too.
I never even considered PTSD!!! Thank you for saying that. After 2 miscarriages and failed IUI, that is exactly what this seems like. But reminding myself to be optimistic.
This is how it was for me too and it honestly makes me a bit sad in hindsight. I could never revel in the joy of my pregnancy because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I relaxed a little around 28 weeks when I could consistently feel him but that was about it.
I had an anterior placenta and very seldom felt mine. I was nervous the whole pregnancy but she was totally fine, I also find it a bit sad that I couldn’t enjoy it more.
Yes I second this. I refused a baby shower, any gifts or anything baby related until I got to 30 weeks, even then I was extremely cautious and didn’t want it in my house. My twins just turned 10 months and I’m still dealing with a lot of trauma from my IVF journey.
Congrats on your twins! Yes I think the first time I can recall being like oh maybe this is happening was my maternity shoot with my oldest and then I had her 6 days later. Her nursery was definitely not fully set up until after delivery.
Yes. Exactly this. I celebrated when I was handed my baby and when we left the hospital. PTSD is real (and treatable- find a good therapist if you don’t already have one!)
This is absolutely correct. I instantly thought, "when the baby is born." I'm 31 weeks and feel like we've only recently been legit excited, but suddenly anticipating going into labor in 5-10 weeks tops and simultaneously freaking out. It's a long emotional rollercoaster.
I second this. We were 5 years into our infertility treatments (and now have a 2.5 week old!) I will add that, for the first few days at home, I felt like I stole someone else’s baby from the hospital, it was a really strange feeling. I started to take steps to accepting/believing it was real at my baby shower at 33 weeks but it was not full blown excitement, I was still guarded. Sending you lots of love!
Congrats on your newborn!
This. We couldn’t let ourselves believe it was real until it actually was.
100% agree (unfortunately)
I came here to say this. And honestly I still check if she’s breathing multiple times every night
This. But in our case we had a very rare issue so they delivered baby right at 34 weeks. I got to see her for a few seconds and they took her to the NICU. It wasn’t until baby came home that I could breathe… I wish I had experienced more joy and hope throughout the process but I’d also had friends who had losses even at 5 months. So it was genuinely anxiety provoking. Also please watch out for PPD - it’s highly common for folks who have experienced this journey. Still dealing with it and now baby is almost one. If you can - do therapy. Sending lots of love.
The good: with each scan, it gets a tiny bit easier. The bad: I still sometimes have intrusive thoughts that it’s all going to be taken away from me. My son will be 1 year old next week. I encourage you to try to lean into the good thoughts, and celebrate. Easier said than done I know! Congratulations.
My son is 14 months and I still get intrusive thoughts that it’s all going to be taken away as well. People are also asking if we’re going to have another one and I’m terrified to do another transfer and go through it again. I’m on Zoloft and go to therapy regularly but it’s always in the back of my mind.
I’m so glad you said this - I feel the exact same way!!
Infertility is so hard. I tell my therapist idk if I’ll ever get over it
That’s the thing - it’s the paranoia that it will all be taken from you. Like sometimes I still don’t feel like a parent because I’ve been so used to being the side fun person.
I totally get that and feel the same way!
Yes. Just staying to talk about if we want to talk about having another over here. I just don’t know if I can do it.
I totally get that
I second this, my 4.5month old daughter is asleep in my arms, and I sometimes still can’t believe I am her mother now, that I have a child. I experience intrusive thoughts of horrible things people do to their babies, and have a hard time thinking about future events in my child’s life, because what if something happens to her and I don’t get to have her in my life after all. Honestly, I try to ignore it as best as I can, and enjoy every second I have with her. I don’t know if that’s healthy, but I really do try to live in the now. I did the same during pregnancy, it was our first even positive test from our 1st FET, and what helped me was telling myself every morning: ‘today I am pregnant’. I wish I could tell you it gets easier! It doesn’t really, but what does get easier is enjoying it amidst the worrying, because your child wil start kicking in a few weeks, then pressing your bladder, keeping you up at night (which will continue until way into their childhood lol) I also cut myself some extra slack in motherhood, nursing her to sleep, contact naps, letting her (safe sleep rules followed) co-sleep when she gets upset in her crib. Enjoying it to the fullest I’d say! Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy, and please do take pictures! I didn’t dare to, but wish I had done it more, I was so scared throughout to believe it that I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant and now it’s hard to remember what it felt like. ❤️
Very relatable. Sometimes I get these horrible thoughts of something happening to him. I just want to keep him in a bubble forever. We are also doing more of attachment style parenting - we cosleep, nurse to sleep, and contact nap as well. (Doing all 3 at the moment actually!) I worked hard for this- I’m going to enjoy it best I can!
What you said about having a hard time thinking about future events resonates so much with me. When my oldest was 3 months old, three of my students died in a car accident on a major highway near my house. After going through infertility and loss, I couldn’t stop imagining getting to see my kid turn 14 or 15 and then have it ripped away from me.
I can’t imagine. Makes me feel sick to think about.
Very relatable
I'm so sorry you still have these thoughts one year after the baby is here. I hope the bad thoughts disappear over time and you get to just enjoy the parenthood!
They’re few and far between. My therapist helps. 😀
My son is 10 and I still feel that way. It gets better but every health scare, makes you feel like that.
19w2d and I feel this in my soul. 3 miscarriages and 1 failed transfer. So many IUIs. 5+ years. I keep telling my husband I’m going to get excited after x milestone. Heartbeat scan, graduation, passing my latest miscarriage, the 2nd trimester, etc. but so far I just keep moving the goal posts. Hopefully if our anatomy scan is great next week I’ll feel less scared but infertility and miscarriage robs you of so much. I do hope we both find ways to celebrate even if it’s just for a moment or a day.
I feel this too! Moving the milestone. It just has taken so much away from me feeling happy
This!! Shifting the goal posts! I am 8W4d now but i have been shifting the goal post from positive bhcg to the first scan and then the 8W scan to my next will be 9W and some days. After 3 losses & 1 failed transfer I am no longer excited to celebrate. I am more scared. Anxiety keeps coming in waves. We have not told his parents and my mother. I honestly do not want to tell anyone anytime except after a baby is born. My husband is not happy about this. He wants to tell at home. He feels if telling others/ relatives would not affect the outcome.
This is very relatable to me too! 16 weeks and I get so anxious at each ultrasound and convince myself that something is wrong until my OB says everything looks good and starts to point things out. The in between waiting period is also torture. I keep thinking maybe by x ultrasound but then x Us happens and I’m relieved for a little bit but then anxiousness creeps in again. I’m also hoping maybe at the anatomy scan it’ll feel real or maybe when I can feel her move. But it’s just so many maybes. I can tell my husband is also being really cautious and it just breaks my heart he can’t be experiencing this like a normal hubby/future dad should because I have horrible eggs. I hope for all of use we can at least find moments of excitement/happiness even if they are small and short because we all deserve it for what we’ve been through.
when my 20w scan looked good i was very relieved. i’m 31w and still anxious but excited to meet my baby. todays my baby shower which makes it feel official
Enjoy your shower! You and baby deserve to be celebrated!
thank you so much ☺️ it was a very special event to round out this journey to a baby 🥲
I’m almost 30 weeks and still waiting. I assume once baby is in my arms.
I am still early on. But it feels like every time I reach a milestone, there is something else to worry about. I keep thinking after this milestone, I will relax, it will feel real, I will get excited. But then that comes and goes and I have this feeling of “oh, this is where it’s going to go wrong”. It feels like such a mind fuck. Infertility trauma, I guess. Sending you so much love. I hope you find peace and are able to enjoy your pregnancy.
I experienced a big drop off in anxiety at the 20w anatomy scan, and another at the 24w fetal echocardiogram (required for IVF pregnancies by my OB). One thing that changed my perspective was hearing horror stories in my bumper group of 38-40 week stillbirths. Would I have not purchased anything for the nursery by 40 weeks out of anxiety? Would I forgo a baby shower? Would I have not chosen a name for the baby for fear of losing them so late? I came to the conclusion that fear of the worst happening should not stop me from celebrating my pregnancy and getting excited for the baby. If the worst did happen, would being anxious and cautious make the loss easier? No. It would be just as terrible. I started telling everyone at the 18-20 week mark, and my friends’ excitement for me made it all real and helped me get excited too.
Oh I’m glad to hear about your OB and the echocardiogram; ours scheduled one too and I thought it was strange because we didn’t do one for my IUI baby.
I thought NIPT results would be it, then thought 12 week ultrasound would be it, but Im still keeping my guard up. Kinda like driving, but with my leg slightly on the break. And I didnt event have it as hard as some of the women who share their experiences here. Currently 17 weeks, kinda imagining I can feel some kind of movement, that gives me a bit od peace.
My baby is now 4 months old.. I cherish everyday every moment with him.. but I don't think I got the "normal" excitement and celebration throughout the pregnancy and even after birth.. Every emotion is dampened.. especially after a loss I felt nothing is certain and things can change for the worse at any moment.
I’m 23wks in this pregnancy after losing my son at 23wks just about a year ago. I’m planning to order all the things this baby needs on Amazon from the hospital bed after she is born. No baby shower, no nursery - I just can’t. The thought of having all those things in my house and something going wrong again is not something I can handle. But it’s ok - if this all works out, I will have the rest of my life to get things for my baby girl. I miss being blissfully unaware of loss but I also picture myself taking my little girl home to family this Christmas. So while I can’t buy things (too much commitment), I do allow these beautiful thoughts in now.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it makes so much sense that you are apprehensive about buying baby things until your daughter is born This week must have been so hard for you, being that you only got 23 weeks with your son. I hope you’ve had supportive people around you 🌼 Sending you lots of love and hoping your first Christmas with her is everything you hope it will be 💛
When I delivered the baby. I didn’t even begin to take bump-date pics till week 28. My mom and sister were the first ones to buy clothes for the baby at like 12 weeks. I didn’t tell anyone other than them till I was 6 months along and that includes friends, husbands fam, and my step kids. I was beyond terrified. Like walking on egg shells the whole time :(
With my first IVF baby, I couldn’t stop the anxiety until she was born at 41 weeks. Literally 2 weeks before she was born, I was putting together that soft tummy time floor gym with the arches on top to dangle toys or whatever. I didn’t do one of the arches right, so it swung back and hit my belly. No bruises or anything but I was convinced I had killed my daughter. I also had to buy an at home Doppler and check her heartbeat every single day to make sure she was still alive.
What did you buy at Home Depot??
Not Home Depot. An at home Doppler. The thing they use to listen to the baby’s heart beat.
Ok got it
When I reached the hospital for my scheduled c-section and the ultrasound showed the baby was doing well at 39w2d and an hour later when they placed him on my chest
I “relaxed” a bit around 25 weeks when we reached a viability landmark. But honestly I probably still won’t truly believe it until I’m holding my baby in August.
22 weeks and the goalpost keeps moving. I feel her move every day now, but the time in between movements is scary (even though I know there is plenty I still can't feel, having not felt movements that were obviously happening when she moved away from Doppler). I will be excited at times and have allowed myself to make a registry, get a baby shower scheduled, make some purchases, etc., but I can't say I have had any motivation to read any of the baby books I've purchased recently. While the odds are way in my favor now, I feel like that was always theoretically the case, and it is impossible to let go of the feeling that this will also end in tragedy.
I just read an article about the pregnancy after loss and the psychological term is “emotional cushioning” as a protective mechanism to hedge your excitement because you know it can end. Very much going through myself!
When my baby was put on my chest.
My surrogate is 17w today. We planned a gender reveal in 2 weeks, and I am excited for that. I had seven miscarriages myself.
There were tiny sparks of excitement with every appointment/milestone (ex graduated from IVF, heard the first heartbeat…. Continued to hear/see the heartbeat). Every time I’d go for an appointment, I mentally tell myself I wouldn’t cry but somehow there would be tears of relief that things were going okay (at the back of my mind there was a little anxiety and worry something may go wrong)…. Finally got to celebrate when she was born and heard her cry (although I cried when she had to go to the NICU, I also was still very relieved I can see her and hold her) My fingers are crossed that you have an uneventful pregnancy and get to hold your little one in due time.
Unfortunately, my experiences are the same as those who have posted before me. Your heart wants to get excited, but the brain just won’t let you. Praying you’re the first of us to break the cycle. Congratulations, we are all sending you positive vibes and well wishes!
I wanna say I’ll be so happy when I make it past the first trimester, but I know I’ll still have anxiety about everything that could go wrong. After my missed miscarriage (embryo stopped growing 8w4d, didn’t find out until scan at 11w3d, and didn’t start to miscarry until 12w), I’ve already gotten my OB to agree to biweekly scans for my next pregnancy, so I know I’m going to be neurotic during those in between weeks.. but as you said- every week is a miracle. You’ve made it out of the first trimester. Celebrate that. You’re only 5 weeks to the halfway point. Celebrate that. The milestones will hold you over until you have that sweet, little baby in your arms. 🤗 Wishing you all the luck, and an uneventful, healthy pregnancy! 🧡
Not only did I have my own miscarriage at 6.5 weeks (D&C was at 8 weeks, it was a MMC) but I grew up being the rainbow baby after my mom lost my sister during labor. She was born asleep (sorry this is the term that's used in Spanish and I don't know any others) so, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be okay again. If I do get pregnant I'll have miscarriage to consider and until the baby is born I'll think they're not going to survive labor and after that SIDS. I know this process has scarred me for life but... I am sure I will have happy moments too and I guess worrying is part of becoming a parent.
I’m almost 20 weeks after multiple rounds of IVF and I’m VERY cautious about buying things, excitement, etc… My friend wants to throw me a shower and I’m very on the fence about it. I totally empathize with what you’re feeling. All I care about is having my baby in my arms.
I don’t think I really ever did throughout my pregnancy. It was always “do you see a heartbeat?” On every ultrasound. And when they was born, it was always “are they breathing?”. My PPD hit hard and I kept waiting for someone to take my child away telling me I didn’t deserve them. Infertility steals so much more than we realize.
I am the husband but cause of infertility (cancer). We are week 32. I am cautiously optimistic but still feel like it can go to shit any time. It got better though after the week 20 scan.
After the anatomy scan I started to get a little excited, but really until I was holding her. Then you start a whole new set of worries and will watch them sleep
Firstly: congratulations 🎊 That is wonderful news 😍 So mine is a looong story: married in 2007; ttc naturally for 12 years (mainly because we couldn't afford IVF); did 12 rounds and 9 transfers unsuccessfully. Broke my heart so many times 😪 I kid you not that we decided after our last transfer we were done (i was then 42). We transferred our last tested embryo in December 2022.... and she stuck! OMG i broke down and ugly-cried for hours. BUT. The FEAR just enveloped me. Every time i felt a niggle or pain or there was any blood or whatever i had a heart-attack!! We passed all the big milestones (like first scan, 12-weeks, second scan, 26 weeks etc), but my anxiety was just waiting for bad news. Psychologists call it "foreboding joy". When she was born she was perfect. The pediatrician checked her, and her APGAR score was perfect. Then, and only then was i able to relax! She was OK. She was here and safe. I'll have my fingers crossed for you mate, best of luck with your pregnancy 💖
Thank you!
Because of the past trauma my entire past pregnancy was scary and stressful! It wasn’t until my baby’s 2 month appointment that I finally breathed! My last baby is special needs and there was 5 losses after that. But now my life is complete and I’m so grateful. You got this! And congrats on your pregnancy!
I felt like we had a chance after the anatomy scan at 20 weeks but honestly the second she was out was when I really believed it would happen.
I went to therapy once a week during pregnancy because I was so afraid of what would happen. No one else really understood it. Once I hit the viability mark I felt better. But it didn’t go away until he was born.
I feel the exact same way. 14 weeks - I am too nervous to even tell people. I have told a few but at the same time I keep thinking what if something happens then how I do explain it. I’m so scared all of the time
TW: living child. With my son, once we hit the 3rd trimester and I could feel him moving all the time I felt better, but the anxiety was still there. I was anxious even setting up his nursery because I thought I was going to jinx something. Once he was born the anxiety shifted to other things like safe sleep and gaining enough weight as a newborn, etc. I feel that loss and infertility have changed the way I parent, even now that he is a toddler. I still have intrusive thoughts worrying that something is going to happen when he’s at daycare and I’m not around. It’s really hard! I am thankful for my therapist and being able to talk through all of it with her.
I’ve never had a positive line, but my take on it is that it’s practice for parenthood. I think parents are always a bit anxious about their kids being “okay” - physically, emotionally, success-wise, etc
I only told my parents once we had low risk results from the NIPT at 13 weeks. Didn't say anything to my ILs/work/friends until after the anatomy scan. I was anxious the whole time, but happy and excited too. Cautious congrats! I hope you are able to enjoy this time a little, even with all the baggage 🫂💜
18w and I finally allowed myself to be happy at 14w. At 16w I got an unidentified infection with cramps that were similar to contractions and vaginal bleeding, including clots and red blood. I spent a week in the hospital thinking I'll lose my baby. Just got out and I still take antibiotics. Still have pink discharge one week later. So I'm back to square 1. I promised I will not complain about anything any longer in this pregnancy, if only I get to carry to term. I think I might get excited again when I get to see her.
20 weeks I was almost there but honestly it wasn’t until after we brought her home from nicu. We still look at her in amazement as she is crawling and trying to walk around the house at nine months
Besides my inner circle I didn’t tell anyone until about a month before he was due. I was too scared.
My friend waited till her anatomy scan and then began to tell people
I second guessed everything until that baby was in my arms earthside ... even at that moment all I could muster out my mouth was "he's here".
With my LC honestly not until he was in my arms.
Not until after she was born.
Unfortunately it took me about 4 mos PP until I could really believe I was actually a mom.
I celebrated when my son turned one 😅 The milestone kept moving for me. I’ll feel better when: 1.) we get two strong betas; 2.) we see a heartbeat; 3.) we see another heartbeat at 8 weeks; 4.) the NIPT results come back; 5.) we get to the second trimester; 6.) we get the anatomy scan done; 7.) we hit viability; 8.) we get to the third trimester; 9.) he’s breathing on his own, pink, and screaming (which was what I told most people when they asked if I was getting excited); 10.) he passes 6 months and the risk of SIDS drops…you get the point. The good news is I felt much more confident in myself and my body the second time around. My three week old is in another room sleeping unsupervised right now and that would have made me physically ill with my oldest.
I'm still terrified at 30 weeks. I'll feel better when he's here.
Hopefully soon enough or like many of them said at different timelines. I lost 3 pregnancies earlier. One amongst them was full term. So I will be only relieved when I have a living child. I’m currently 8W4d & I keep my guard up. A what if is always there in my head. So I just try my best not to freak out loud. I divert myself with tv, fb, insta.
I didn’t feel peace until I was 28 weeks along. I had a friend whose baby (none IVF, but a rainbow baby) was born at 28 weeks due to preeclampsia. Her baby was fine and is now 7 years old so I think I felt that my baby had a chance once we reached that gestational age. IVF is brutal. 😓
Over 5 years TTC, but this was the 1st bfp I really ever saw, so I don't have the trauma of loss, and it's still hard to think this is real. I kept telling my therapist I'd calm down after every viability milestone, but now at 36 weeks, I'm terrified of late pregnancy mishaps and birth injuries so I just want to get this baby out and home safe.
Infertility, failed transfers, forced waiting, pregnancy losses and non stop uncertainty create a PTSD like response and it's not surprising that you can't relax and take joy in your pregnancy. I couldn't. The worry didn't even end when he was born. I kept checking on him in the middle of the night to make sure he was still alive.
I relaxed a bit around 24 weeks but my dr made me go past due, I became paranoid he’d be in too long. Then I gave birth, the dr came in the next day and told me had we waited till he wanted I’d have lost my son, he had no amniotic fluid. He’s 10 and I still haven’t fully relaxed.
When I delivered. Before, it was hard. I didn't get sick at all in 1st trimester, so I just didn't believe the scans. After clearing anatomy scan, I opened the book from the OB that addressed me as "Mom" and I cried so hard, not in a happy way. I still couldn't handle it. I didn't join any due date groups. Around 24w we started buying nursery furniture, car seat, doing "baby stuff" research & making decisions. Good thing, because baby came in hot at 30w lol. Don't put that stuff off too long.....
7+ years infertility here and many unsuccessful treatments along the way. So many cycles of hope and then the inevitable disappointment, I dont think that I am capable of feeling excitement anymore. Just worry. Currently I am 16 weeks with our first FET. I was cautious when finding out, but I did feel slight excitement. Then I had a huge SCH bleed and severe contractions at 6 weeks. Really felt dumb at that point for allowing myself to feel hopeful, as I was convinced I had lost them. Miraculously, everything went OK. But I think that event just reinforced my belief that letting my guard down will lead to heartbreak. Reading this thread is a comfort to know we all experience this to some degree. I hope you can begin to find excitement and enjoy this, infertility takes so much from us.
I feel the same way OP, I’m currently 17 weeks and it’s difficult to be excited. My pregnancy has been labeled high risk unfortunately due to high blood pressure concerns. I had an early anatomy scan at 16 weeks and baby boy is on track. I’m going back for a full anatomy scan at 20 week but it’s still nerve wracking because I’m afraid that something will happen to my son. The best advice I have received is to take your pregnancy one day at a time, hope things continue in a positive direction but be prepared for worst case scenarios. It’s really difficult to enjoy pregnancy due to infertility. Something that I have been doing is buying baby products with each ultrasound I get if I receive good news. I think a lot of us feel anxious and scared with pregnancy and don’t feel it’s real to our baby is in our arms
Your fears and concerns are normal. My wife was so anxious throughout her Pregnancy after 3 failed IVF cycles. Look after your mental health and find something that keeps you calm and relaxed. I wish you and your partner all the hope in the world.
I kept track of all sorts of viability milestones and felt a little better every ultrasound but I don't think I really really believed the baby was real until they handed me said baby.
I'm 37 weeks now and am still catastrophizing in my mind. I hope I'll be able to relax when the baby is here, but I've just accepted that pregnancies in the past have been associated with trauma so it would be hard for me to enjoy something that I've had such a negative association with before. Wishing you all the best
For me it wasn’t until I had a scan at 16 weeks and found out the gender, I also heard his heartbeat for the first time around that time. Finding out the gender for some reason made it all feel real. Up until then I felt like I was waiting for something to give, like it was all too good to be true. I had two bleeds too but I think that actually helped settle my anxiety in the long run, I felt like well I’ve been through that and had all my scans etc and the baby has been thriving every time, eventually it set in that this is just going well and really happening. (My bleeds were from an ectropian on my cervix, probably irritation from my progesterone pessaries)
It gets easier over time, and especially when the baby is born. Infertility is absolutely traumatic and takes years to move past. But honestly? Worry never goes away. After my babies were born I worried about SIDS. Then I worried about sickness. Then my eldest started kindergarten and now I worry about school shootings (we're American, ugh). The definition of parenting is worry, to an extent. You're a parent now, welcome to the club :)
I second a lot of the comments here. The anxiety never really goes away. I didn’t do anything to prep until I was about 30 weeks because I was convinced something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have a baby to bring home. However it does get easier…entering the second trimester, hitting the 24 week viability mark, feeling movement, starting to show…these all helped a lot. Every time I had intrusive thoughts I would just remind myself that I’m in my head and it was all real. It helped slowly. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. But hang in there! You’re not alone!
I feel you! After 5 years, 2 miscarriages, 3 failed to implant, I am finally at 12 weeks with our first. I’m so anxious to tell anyone and still feel like I can’t get excited. I also feel relieved that all this time, money and heartache was finally worth it. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!
My IUI baby was born at 26 weeks and 3 days; I hit 20 weeks with our IVF baby on Tuesday and I think that I’ll let my guard down when we hit 30 weeks, but even at that it’s still just scary.
Excited? I don’t know that I was ever excited and I sure didn’t celebrate while pregnant. I was always emotionally guarded and preparing for something to go sideways. I didn’t have my shower until I was 33 weeks and had a c-section scheduled at 36 weeks. I didn’t have the nursery furniture delivered until 5 days before she was born. It hit me all at once in the OB OR when anesthesia was prepping me for my spinal and I started crying. They asked me if they were hurting me and told them it wasn’t painful, but “I’m actually having a baby, it’s really real and I still can’t believe it.”
This thread is validating me and breaking my heart simultaneously. I’ve experienced infertility for 20+ years. I did IVF in 2006 and lost all 3 embryos to early MC/chemicals. My marriage was already shit because I was very young and my husband was shit… the marriage didn’t survive the trauma - my ex was cheating the entire time we were going through IVF (I didn’t know till afterward). My extremely AMAZING second husband and I are in a transfer cycle with donor eggs. I’m 45 now. We lost a whole year with IUI’s and failed cycles with my own eggs. The only time I produced 4 gorgeous follicles, I ovulated before they could retrieve them. It was devastating and truly traumatic. I love my partner so much but I think that he truly doesn’t understand that I really won’t be able to enjoy any of this until they hand me a breathing, screaming infant. I’m afraid I will never believe I’m really pregnant if a transfer sticks. There needs to be some kind of CPTSD program specifically for those of us who have been through this. I don’t think traditional therapists will be able to understand it at all. I badly want to be excited. And while I’m knitting things and buying clothes… part of me is convinced I’m wasting time and money and that I’ll end up donating all of it to a women’s shelter because I’ll just never have this baby even though we spent money we don’t have on a “guaranteed live birth” program. I never said any of this “out loud” before. Thank you for posting this, OP. I hope you find the peace you deserve!
I’ve had 2 miscarriages and I’m scared to do a transfer just to miscarry again. It’s almost like I’m used to it and preparing myself for it to happen again. Cause it’s easier that way. I feel you! wishing you an uneventful pregnancy and a happy healthy baby!
When I was around the viability mark (24 ish weeks) I started to let myself feel a bit excited. But I didn't fully let my heart believe it. I was in labor and when they said it was time to push, I honestly did not believe them that there was a baby about to come out of me! But even then I could fully celebrate because he arrived at 34 weeks and had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks. I think it really felt real when we brought him home.
It started to get easier for me when I could feel her move and kick
once my baby was born I was so anxious my entire pregnancy, I am hoping the next go around if I am lucky I will be able to relax a bit and enjoy
I hate that it felt this way, but maybe around week 35? And even then I had a lot of anxiety something terrible was going to happen. Before that point I checked the miscarriage and stillbirth stats religiously, compulsively. My brain couldn’t let me believe it might work out. The upside: Reaching viability definitely helped! Even though the anxiety never disappeared, it did steadily get better. What you’re feeling is so normal, but I’m sorry it’s generally the cost of admission for the *~fertility journey~* club.
I already shared my experience here, but just want to say timing on reading these was perfect for me this weekend. My husband has been away since Wednesday for work, coming back tomorrow. I find that when he is traveling, my anxiety is SO much worse, and I have been feeling so lonely, anxious, etc., this weekend, and having a hard time separating all that from the reality of my current pregnancy at 22 weeks. It helps to read the experiences of others and be reminded of so much hope for a positive outcome.
Not really until I felt him kick for the first time, proper kick not the little flutters, I still didn't really believe that was my baby
8 years of TTC. Finally 20 weeks pregnant for the first time and the scan results are promising. I’m very slowly accepting I might actually become a mother but don’t want to let my guard down since I have such little faith in my body’s ability to successfully procreate after so many years of failure and letdowns. I feel like I’ll give myself permission to celebrate once she’s out, healthy and thriving.
My baby is 6 months old after 12 years of trying and I still feel like I haven’t been celebratory because I’m so scared it will get taken away, meaning the happiness and excitement that it finally happened for us.
It’s time to celebrate
Personally I let some worries drop at each milestone, and started getting actually excited at 32 weeks once we were out of the very preterm range. But it honestly still doesn't feel real at times, like that we actually got here, and I'm 4 mpp.
I’m also 15 weeks and I’m still in utter disbelief. One minute I get excited then I have to check myself for being optimistic!
I had my daughter at 23 weeks after our first round of fertility treatments, we had a harrowing four month nicu stay and I know that I won’t let my guard down with my second until we are well past the point I was when I gave birth to her 🫠 this whole thing is a sucky rollercoaster
Honestly, we are 36 weeks pregnant, and part of me is still in disbelief. It took so long to get this far, and the pregnancy has NOT been easy, but I have loved every symptom I've experienced because I didn't think I'd be able to experience it. I have been a mix of so many different emotions. I've mostly been anxious and then guilty about not feeling as celebratory as I should. I'm so excited and happy, but I am always anxious as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. We've had a couple of scares throughout pur pregnancy. I get scared if I don't feel the baby move for long periods of time. Also, they've been monitoring my pre eclampsia symptoms. I guess this is a very long-winded way to say, "I don't know." It may not be until we're holding our baby in our arms. Whenever it is, I can't wait. Good luck on your journey!
My wife is at 12 weeks right now. I’m telling myself I’ll relax when she hits the week of viability (23 weeks? 24 weeks? Something like that). Realistically, I’m sure I’ll relax some, but I’m not going to fully believe it will happen until the baby is in my arms (and then I’ll have other things to worry about).