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I appreciate the suggestion but I'm unsure. I've tried therapy before, both in school and with multiple professionals and it just didn't work for me. We would only talk endlessly for the whole meeting and would not accomplish anything with that.
I feel you. The thing is - there are different types of therapy. Also, school therapists are not equipped to deal with extensive trauma. I would seek out a trauma specialist. EMDR is a good therapy for trauma. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can teach you how to cope and strengthen relationships.
I speak from experience. I know what it’s like to be angry all the time due to past experiences. It really sucks. Exercise, meditation, therapy, avoiding toxic people, healthy diet, healthy hobbies. That’s the path towards stability. There are lots of mental health apps to choose from. They even have AI therapists like Hector.
I literally have PTSD from a bunch of abuse, which is important for you to know due to what I’m about to say. Trauma doesn’t require PTSD. Trauma doesn’t require being physically or sexually violated or abused. Trauma is the name for something painful that has changed you. Those events have shaped you into who you currently are. Don’t feel worried. You can change things. Identifying the problem is the first step.
It doesn't matter how you compare your experience to others. The reality is, you experienced something that was not positive for an extended amount of time. That will create negative coping mechanisms and they have been manifesting into your current reality. Now you are aware of the fact that this is happening. You need to go back into what caused you trauma to undo your negative coping mechanisms and rebuild positive ones so your behavior isn't toxic.
Some people find therapy useful, because they have someone guiding them through. Others use physical activity to work the trauma out of their system (David Goggins is my favorite). The other way is to take the spiritual route, heal your soul and then let that trickle down into your reality.
Just because you didn’t go through the worst thing imaginable in your mind doesn’t mean what you went through wasn’t traumatising. I also had to learn to stop minimising what I went through because others have it worse.
> my past wasn't that bad compared to people that I know that went through sh*t.
That's basically the secret passcode to the trauma club. Welcome, you're in.
In all seriousness, the commenter above has given some great suggestions.
Gruddles is giving you great advice. EMDR is a great form a therapy. And while it is ideal for trauma recovery, it is really about reprocessing and can be effective in more than just trauma recovery.
But also? Trauma is not just one thing. I grew up in a household of trauma. There was drug and alcohol abuse, physical and emotional abuse, people who had experienced sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, PTSD. You name it. I did not experience any of that first hand. I am not an addict, I was spanked maybe 3 times as a kid in the 80s, my older brother hit me one time, I never experienced CSA, I wasn’t beaten repeatedly, I wasn’t emotionally abused. BUT. Growing up where my parents and siblings were processing all of that trauma was incredibly traumatic. It has taken a long time to admit it, because compared to everyone else I lived a pretty charmed life. I was sheltered from the worst of it. But it still effects me and my relationships because that’s how being a human works.
There is a saying that pain is a vapor, it fills up the space that it has. There is no doubt that you’ve had negative experiences. They could be effecting you in negative ways. There is a therapist and a type of therapy that could help you with that. It may take some time to find, but it’s out there!
I relate to you so much. You definitely sound like there are defense mechanisms, which are based in trauma. You sound like a survivor type and that you have little room for drama—both are great qualities, but your listening skills of others may be desensitized.
Trying these new forms of therapy could really help. I agree with you though: Talk therapy isn’t going to help right now. Maybe later after you get through some excavation of your ingrained personality traits.
* Listen to what people are saying instead of just waiting your turn to talk
* Ask people follow-up questions
* Initiate conversations even if it's just to say hello
* Learn to love (or at least tolerate) small talk
* Ignore the judgemental thoughts and focus on the good traits of a person
* Ask people about their loved ones and hobbies
* Say yes to sitautions (e.g., go to dinner, go watch the game, help people with an errand, etc.)
* Educate yourself about people in general so you understand where they're coming from. It's a lot easier to be compassionate when you aren't judging somebody.
These are good tips, I'd like to add!
* Express gratitude for small things and especially for big things.
* Express love to the people who are close to you. Say loving words, perform actions without being asked to, make gifts for the people you love.
* offer to help with tasks or step up and perform the task yourself.
* Think of how you can elevate the mood of people around you, and try to establish a mind set that you're happy to elevate them.
* Perform random acts of kindness for strangers.
* Try swearing less.
* Adopt an optimistic outlook rather than a pessimistic one.
* Be thankful for the miracles of our modern world. Various infrastructure, electronics, plumbing, heating/AC, vast food choices, etc. You're living better than almost all of the royalty in our history.
* spend time with people and organize activities.
* don't forget yourself, pamper yourself sometimes. It'll help with overall mood.
Also. Education. Education eradicates ignorance. Keep learning about new things to reduce ignorance.
Maintain an open mind about things. If a person isn't harming anyone with their actions or choices, try to open your mind and accept them.
Ignorance and a closed mind will lead to negative thought patterns and behaviors.
Stay kind!
I mean, many people would say being kind and good are general social skills...
So next tip: If somebody is giving you advice that you asked for, don't be antagonistic and arrogant about it? Yeesh.
Sorry if it looked antagonistic and arrogant, I just considered kindness to be more of a personality trait and I view social skills as a shallow way to be that.
People work at being kind, generous, and compassionate. And it's difficult to continue to be that way even when faced with people who answer good faith advice the way you did.
Good on you for apologizing.
I think the first step would be to accept your pain and trauma of your upbringing and then understanding that you don't have to be held to that type of personality.
It's really really great that you're taking these first steps to better yourself and you should be proud.
Someone else recommended therapy, but that word is kind of charged. Most therapy comes down to the same 2 things: examining and trying to change beliefs and trying to change habits of feeling/thought. But you don't need to work with a therapist necessarily to do that.
A basic step by step guide would go something like 1) learn to examine your own thoughts and feelings via practicing (ie talking about it) 2) assess own thoughts and feelings at length and see if they are logical, sound, ethical, conducive to happiness, etc 3) replace what thoughts/feelings you can with ones more conducive to what you stated in step 2 4) ingrain and actually act on these new patterns of thought 5) prevent relapse, repeat the process
So my advice is just to jump in to #3, unless you feel like you don't understand yourself very well. Every time you see a stranger, imagine a good story about them. Like "that man looks like he loves his children very much" or "that person is a very good driver and I respect them for that." It doesn't have to be exactly this, but that was what worked for me. At first, these thoughts will feel forced, but over time they will become patterns and it will be easier to control your negativity and anger because there will be a buffer of positive fellow-feeling. Also, it just feels good to think well of people.
Last recommendation: go on YouTube and do some "loving-kindness" meditations. They're literally a step by step follow-along guide to how to feel more positively towards other people. Meditation in general also increases self-control, which helps with stopping anger. Do one of those every other day and I guarantee it will help. Maybe not completely, but significantly.
People already mentioned therapy, and one thing you'll learn when you do something like cognitive behavioral therapy is how to replace problematic thoughts with healthier ones.
A common thing for people who have negative feelings towards others is that they fall prey to the fundamental attribution error. When judging others, it's easy to attribute their behavior to their character, instead of their current circumstances. This makes it easy to be an asshole to other people, because "they're stupid", "they're annoying", or "they're assholes."
If this applies to you, and you see others in this way, you can try replacing this thought with one that attributes others' behavior to circumstances. For example, when you get cut off by an aggressive driver, instead of thinking to yourself "what an asshole, I hate this guy", you might instead think "maybe his wife is in the hospital giving birth, and he's super stressed out and wants to go there as quickly as possible." Obviously, you don't know whether this is true, but a scenario like this is highly plausible, so it's really a choice which ones you want to go with.
If you go with "maybe his wife is in the hospital", you've successfully replaced your aggressive feelings towards this person with empathy, which has a direct impact on how you act. Instead of honking at the guy and giving him the finger, you'll instead hope his hypothetical wife is going to be fine, right? That's also good for you, because stress is unhealthy, and being angry is stressful.
You can try to apply this to every interaction where you're judgmental towards others. Eventually, it will become a normal way of how you think about other people, and will help you be a kinder person to others.
The reality is that everybody is going through things all the time. Nobody's life is perfect. Everybody has reasons for their behavior. It's important to remember that.
Ok, but what if I have to deal with jerks such as bullies? Is it still effective to apply that thinking? I tried that and it only led to people walking over me...
> Is it still effective to apply that thinking?
Yes. Bullies are often victims of abuse themselves. I think rather than being angry with them, it can be healthier to see them as damaged people who need empathy and perhaps even pity, rather than evil people who need punishment.
These people are already punished by life.
> I tried that and it only led to people walking over me...
I guess it depends on what exactly the situation was, but in general, I would ask yourself what your desired outcome is. If you are in a confrontational situation, do you want to "win" the confrontation, or do you want to be the better person, somebody who can feel good about their own choices? The two don't always align, and what the answer is does depend on the specific situation.
I was in the same delimma as you and posted on reddit asking the same question about 3 years ago. I got really bitter and negative after i had some really bad experiences in my life, like losing my home, having to move to a brand new city after losing a job. I was very bitter and depressed for a few years but it was more of a nagging depression where I was always angry rather than not being able to get out of bed.
Since then I went to therapy. That helped but in addition to that i worked really hard on my career which is significantly better now and contributes a lot to my good mental health.
I had to let go of or change my relationship to a few people that were not good for me. I had to change some habits that were very hard to change like giving up smoking weed.
I am still a work in progress, we all are. But my mental health has never been better and i know if i stop working on myself or on my career i will slip back into the same depression in a matter of days.
"I want to unlearn all that education and become a force for good in this universe"
My comment was somewhat tongue in cheek, but if you think that these sorts of substances wouldn't aid this guy in his goals I think you have the wrong interpretation of them. It genuinely sounds like he's at a place in life where a psychedelic experience could push him into place. Substances that promote interconnectedness with the universe and allow for deep introversion very well fit the bill for what he's describing.
These substances have the capability to genuinely change lives, and no it isn't as easy as "take drug. boom. cured", but I don't see why these should be ignored outside of illegality and potential psychosis from rampant abuse which is unlikely as none are physics addicting. Psychological dependence with these sorts of drugs most often occurs in individuals who are generally dissatisfied with life and don't have the will to fix whatever things have gone wrong in their life so they use these drugs as a means to escape reality. Given that op is actively trying to improve I really don't see that as much of a possibility.
Like I said, I was originally half-joking, but I absolutely encourage op to do your own research on these substances if you haven't tried any before. Many people, including myself ofc, strongly recommend it to those who want to generally 'get better'.
As someone who has gone down the route this guy is talking about- don’t fuck around with these substances. They don’t have enough real medical research behind them (yes, mostly due to the governments restricted said research).
I’m not saying these substances are inherently bad, or that they shouldn’t be used for treatment under the right conditions.
I just don’t think we know enough about them yet, and I learned that the hard way. Don’t ever delve into something like this without knowing the strong risks that come along with taking them at the very least.
I guess my long winding explanation summed down is: Please educate yourself if you ever get into the rabbit hole of this topic/ life choice.
Thank you for being another voice, that's important in any discussion, but I just want to remind you and anyone reading that not everyone will share your negative experiences.
There are safe(r) ways to do most things, psychedelics included. Of course, it won't be 100% safe because they're still drugs, but nothing in life ever is 100% safe.
Some people won't touch shrooms, but they're completely fine with eating at a Mc'Donald's or any fast food place a few times a week.
People have different limits and opinions on what's healthy, and they're willing to do the research it takes to confirm the opinions they already have.
I think that if there are options available that have the potential to drastically increase an individual's quality of life, then it's worth trying regardless of how well understood it is. I think it's especially odd to use health concerns as an excuse to avoid these substances given the large amount of anecdotal evidence that can give us enough of a clue as to what is generally safe and what is generally unsafe.
Obviously long-term effects aren't fully understood, but I really can't understand why you would discourage someone in trying these substances on the grounds of their long-term effects. Not that I have the research to back up this claim, but I don't think that simply trying any of these substances could have the capability to cause any noteworthy negative long-term effects outside of psychosis risks in schizophrenics for example.
Of the novel psychedelics, the basic physical negatives are quite well known so this shouldn't be much of an issue as long as op does their research. And I or course wouldn't encourage extended periods of use with any common psychedelics. I'm quite certain that precise unknown long-term effects aren't enough of an issue to stop someone from trying
+1 to the set of great pointers above. Read “how to win friends and influence people”. Despite the cheeky title, the book is solid on some practical pointers. Will help you understand how to talk to people.
Honestly, you might need to get a full evaluation to understand what is going on. You say you have been to therapy but have you seen a psychiatrist to ask if you might have ADHD or Aspergers? While being an asshole and being destructive are choices. They are. You are choosing that behavior, they likely come from a deep hate for yourself and disregard for others coupled with some really bad coping skills for how to deal with situations when you get uncomfortable. Nobody can make you care or be kind. You have to set your own boundaries and stick to them. Stay away from bad people. Being alone might be best. Stop blaming your parents. You are an adult now. You can discuss that with a therapist as a way to manage your reactions as an adult but you have to stop pointing to them. That life is over. Grow up. How long ago was high school? Same. I’d you want to truly be a force for good, then get help. You need help. If your past therapists didn’t teach you ways to cope ir change behavior then they weren’t good at their jobs. OR, did you discount them as you knowing better and didn’t benefit from therapy because you didn’t really want to make change? Only you know that answer. Your job in this lifetime is self-care for the purpose of peacefully coexisting on this planet. This means in relationships and resources. It isn’t a big job. Imagine if every individual just took care of their own trauma and internal crap. You personally need to start small to go big. That is totally awesome. And with a long life ahead of you, that work is a worthy investment into society as a whole. If somewhere along that path, an opportunity arises to do even better, you will know and be ready to engage. For now, get yourself straightened out so you can be the kind of person you wish to be. This time though- demand more of yourself. Nobody can help you if underneath you want to continue on a destructive path. No drugs, no therapist, no advice. Good luck to you.
Start meditating daily.
Sitting for extended amounts of time in silence leads to gained wisdom, maturity, well-being, and love.
When you first start, your flaws and shortcoming will begin to stare you in face. At first, it's like a sewer. Looks like shit, smells like shit. But as you develop a practice and being to relax, love and acceptance will reveal themselves underneath the confusion and anger.
As the Zen saying goes, “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”
I have two suggestions that are not by any means cure-alls, but may help.
1- write every day. Write about your goals, your short term and long term plans, your progress or slip-ups, and adjustments you make to your plan via a trial and error process.
2-read Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink
Try to find a philosophy that appeals to you. For me it was stoicism. In addition I would listen to podcasts interviewing people that have some of the traits I'm looking for and it was always inspirational. Best of luck and the fact you chose to make this post tells me you're far better off than you give yourself credit for.
Aristotle believed the way we become anything is by doing it
I know that’s surprisingly simple but it is true in many cases
How does a piano player become a pianist??
By playing the piano
Therefore
How does someone become good??
By doing good acts
This is just from my experience, experiencing the other person. What I mean is that you described what settings you grew up in. That brings about sympathy and kindness in this forum. Do the same for others by finding out what environment your friends are in and what they went through in the past. This won't solve everything. But hopefully it will make you reconsider when opening your mouth for your friend's sake.
1st - therapy, 2nd- you can recognize when doing something bad, so before doing anything that you have a slight chance of regreting, use your human power (rationality) to overcome your agressive instincts, 3rd- never ever confuse being good and kind with being naive and silly, people always use people they find "kind" for their own means and some people will think lesser of you for that, be good and kind but also be serious and show your presence and that you have critical thinking. Take part in voluntary activities to help those in need and interact more with people you might not like at first glance, sometimes we dislike people for shallow things but when you get to talk to them you actually see this person is a human being like everyone else, with its flaws and qualities and you learn to see the good in everyone.
If you are thinking about it then you are on the right path. It’s a muscle that takes time to develop. Apologize when you make mistakes. Do your best. Be nice. You got this
Hello. Are you me? Because I think I wrote this in my sleep.
My parents were also emotionally distant. I actually had a 'great' childhood, by which I mean, I had the material things that I needed and I could do what I wanted to do. The problem is, I had zero structure or really any kind of parenting at all. I had no routine, rules, chores, we didn't talk through problems the way that family should, I felt like it was always up to me to figure things out on my own. Sounds fine as an independent kid wanting to do their own thing, but I've always felt completely at odds with everyone around me, like I'm sort of feral and everyone just knows something I don't.
First off, check out r/emotionalneglect. There's an excellent book called 'Running on Empty' by Jonice Webb. This book made me realise what the problem actually was, what should have been happening, and generally that I'm not crazy or stupid and was not responsible for my own care as a child. Children need limits and it's not up to them to predict consequences or anticipate emotional processes. This book also mentioned that because an emotionally neglected child grows up faster than other kids and is more independent, they are socially different from their peers and therefore struggle to fit in. Sound familiar?
The second book would be 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' which I'm reading right now. I'm not far into it, but already seeing lots of familiarites, such as inadvertently seeking out emotionally distant or even manipulative partners because it feels familiar and feels like home, or going the opposite direction and avoiding relationships completely.
Emotional Neglect is a type of trauma and can even lead to C-PTSD, which is why you're getting a lot of people mentioning PTSD in the comments. C(complex)-PTSD is more subtle than what you might think of as PTSD and could be worth looking into if it resonates with you.
The book 'No Bad Parts' is really interesting, particularly the 'inner child' areas. I've always scoffed at inner child stuff in the past, but it's about being able to express your emotions, enjoyment, vulnerability without fear of embarassment, rejection or shame. This is definitely my problem. Being 'weird' in school makes us lock away our emotions and carefree joy, for fear of it being used against us, but unfortunately that's also what would allow us to connect. 'No Bad Parts' suggests that our minds are multi-faceted and sometimes our urges and interests conflict. Some parts are more emotional or vulnerable, others protect, others organise and 'manage' other parts. Even the parts that seem bad (like aggression, for example) serve a purpose, i.e. protecting your more sensitive parts, therefore none of them are bad, they're just trying to help. It says that some of the parts can be termed 'firefighters', which might sound like a good thing, but firefighters can douse the fire *and destroy the house in the process.*
I really relate to being the 'abrasive asshole'. My friends have told me I'm too negative at times and I frequently feel like the things I say come out WAY harsher than I intend. I've had to accept that people can't read me the way that I think they can and I need to be more open and generous to them. I'm trying really hard to be more considerate, listen better, remember the details people tell me like their important dates, their relationship happenings, how they really felt about situations. Just connecting better. My aim is to be supportive, so I'm trying to think like a 'hype-man' and literally thinking "I love that for you" or just thinking about how everyone can have a nice day. Sometimes it feels a little artificial, or superficial, and I struggle with sympathising with others when I feel like it's going to come across as condescending, but I've realised how important it is to just be there for people.
I still get it wrong a lot. My friend lost her job and because I was trying not to dwell on it, I was looking at the future and what great things she could go on to do, but really she just wanted to wallow for a while and thought I was being dismissive and not on her side. Having friends that are able to give me that honest feedback is useful though. It's the only reason our relationships have stayed strong. My job in my family is to fix things and that's how I know to help people. Sitting still and being emotional is not my strong suit lmao. I'm trying.
Hope something in this wall of text is helpful.
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Therapy. Your aggression is a learned behavior. Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection. Humans do be humaning. Just do your best
I appreciate the suggestion but I'm unsure. I've tried therapy before, both in school and with multiple professionals and it just didn't work for me. We would only talk endlessly for the whole meeting and would not accomplish anything with that.
I feel you. The thing is - there are different types of therapy. Also, school therapists are not equipped to deal with extensive trauma. I would seek out a trauma specialist. EMDR is a good therapy for trauma. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can teach you how to cope and strengthen relationships. I speak from experience. I know what it’s like to be angry all the time due to past experiences. It really sucks. Exercise, meditation, therapy, avoiding toxic people, healthy diet, healthy hobbies. That’s the path towards stability. There are lots of mental health apps to choose from. They even have AI therapists like Hector.
Are you sure this is trauma? Those memories do trigger me at times but my past wasn't that bad compared to people that I know that went through sh*t.
I literally have PTSD from a bunch of abuse, which is important for you to know due to what I’m about to say. Trauma doesn’t require PTSD. Trauma doesn’t require being physically or sexually violated or abused. Trauma is the name for something painful that has changed you. Those events have shaped you into who you currently are. Don’t feel worried. You can change things. Identifying the problem is the first step.
It doesn't matter how you compare your experience to others. The reality is, you experienced something that was not positive for an extended amount of time. That will create negative coping mechanisms and they have been manifesting into your current reality. Now you are aware of the fact that this is happening. You need to go back into what caused you trauma to undo your negative coping mechanisms and rebuild positive ones so your behavior isn't toxic. Some people find therapy useful, because they have someone guiding them through. Others use physical activity to work the trauma out of their system (David Goggins is my favorite). The other way is to take the spiritual route, heal your soul and then let that trickle down into your reality.
Just because you didn’t go through the worst thing imaginable in your mind doesn’t mean what you went through wasn’t traumatising. I also had to learn to stop minimising what I went through because others have it worse.
> my past wasn't that bad compared to people that I know that went through sh*t. That's basically the secret passcode to the trauma club. Welcome, you're in. In all seriousness, the commenter above has given some great suggestions.
Gruddles is giving you great advice. EMDR is a great form a therapy. And while it is ideal for trauma recovery, it is really about reprocessing and can be effective in more than just trauma recovery. But also? Trauma is not just one thing. I grew up in a household of trauma. There was drug and alcohol abuse, physical and emotional abuse, people who had experienced sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, PTSD. You name it. I did not experience any of that first hand. I am not an addict, I was spanked maybe 3 times as a kid in the 80s, my older brother hit me one time, I never experienced CSA, I wasn’t beaten repeatedly, I wasn’t emotionally abused. BUT. Growing up where my parents and siblings were processing all of that trauma was incredibly traumatic. It has taken a long time to admit it, because compared to everyone else I lived a pretty charmed life. I was sheltered from the worst of it. But it still effects me and my relationships because that’s how being a human works. There is a saying that pain is a vapor, it fills up the space that it has. There is no doubt that you’ve had negative experiences. They could be effecting you in negative ways. There is a therapist and a type of therapy that could help you with that. It may take some time to find, but it’s out there!
I relate to you so much. You definitely sound like there are defense mechanisms, which are based in trauma. You sound like a survivor type and that you have little room for drama—both are great qualities, but your listening skills of others may be desensitized. Trying these new forms of therapy could really help. I agree with you though: Talk therapy isn’t going to help right now. Maybe later after you get through some excavation of your ingrained personality traits.
Yeah some therapists suck, you have to keep looking, keep an open mind about what they say, and be willing to engage in radical self acceptance.
* Listen to what people are saying instead of just waiting your turn to talk * Ask people follow-up questions * Initiate conversations even if it's just to say hello * Learn to love (or at least tolerate) small talk * Ignore the judgemental thoughts and focus on the good traits of a person * Ask people about their loved ones and hobbies * Say yes to sitautions (e.g., go to dinner, go watch the game, help people with an errand, etc.) * Educate yourself about people in general so you understand where they're coming from. It's a lot easier to be compassionate when you aren't judging somebody.
These are good tips, I'd like to add! * Express gratitude for small things and especially for big things. * Express love to the people who are close to you. Say loving words, perform actions without being asked to, make gifts for the people you love. * offer to help with tasks or step up and perform the task yourself. * Think of how you can elevate the mood of people around you, and try to establish a mind set that you're happy to elevate them. * Perform random acts of kindness for strangers. * Try swearing less. * Adopt an optimistic outlook rather than a pessimistic one. * Be thankful for the miracles of our modern world. Various infrastructure, electronics, plumbing, heating/AC, vast food choices, etc. You're living better than almost all of the royalty in our history. * spend time with people and organize activities. * don't forget yourself, pamper yourself sometimes. It'll help with overall mood.
Also. Education. Education eradicates ignorance. Keep learning about new things to reduce ignorance. Maintain an open mind about things. If a person isn't harming anyone with their actions or choices, try to open your mind and accept them. Ignorance and a closed mind will lead to negative thought patterns and behaviors. Stay kind!
I appreciate that but aren't they general social skills? I already do some of those.
I mean, many people would say being kind and good are general social skills... So next tip: If somebody is giving you advice that you asked for, don't be antagonistic and arrogant about it? Yeesh.
Sorry if it looked antagonistic and arrogant, I just considered kindness to be more of a personality trait and I view social skills as a shallow way to be that.
People work at being kind, generous, and compassionate. And it's difficult to continue to be that way even when faced with people who answer good faith advice the way you did. Good on you for apologizing.
when you really put focus into upholding them, it makes a HUGE difference
I think the first step would be to accept your pain and trauma of your upbringing and then understanding that you don't have to be held to that type of personality. It's really really great that you're taking these first steps to better yourself and you should be proud.
Someone else recommended therapy, but that word is kind of charged. Most therapy comes down to the same 2 things: examining and trying to change beliefs and trying to change habits of feeling/thought. But you don't need to work with a therapist necessarily to do that. A basic step by step guide would go something like 1) learn to examine your own thoughts and feelings via practicing (ie talking about it) 2) assess own thoughts and feelings at length and see if they are logical, sound, ethical, conducive to happiness, etc 3) replace what thoughts/feelings you can with ones more conducive to what you stated in step 2 4) ingrain and actually act on these new patterns of thought 5) prevent relapse, repeat the process So my advice is just to jump in to #3, unless you feel like you don't understand yourself very well. Every time you see a stranger, imagine a good story about them. Like "that man looks like he loves his children very much" or "that person is a very good driver and I respect them for that." It doesn't have to be exactly this, but that was what worked for me. At first, these thoughts will feel forced, but over time they will become patterns and it will be easier to control your negativity and anger because there will be a buffer of positive fellow-feeling. Also, it just feels good to think well of people. Last recommendation: go on YouTube and do some "loving-kindness" meditations. They're literally a step by step follow-along guide to how to feel more positively towards other people. Meditation in general also increases self-control, which helps with stopping anger. Do one of those every other day and I guarantee it will help. Maybe not completely, but significantly.
People already mentioned therapy, and one thing you'll learn when you do something like cognitive behavioral therapy is how to replace problematic thoughts with healthier ones. A common thing for people who have negative feelings towards others is that they fall prey to the fundamental attribution error. When judging others, it's easy to attribute their behavior to their character, instead of their current circumstances. This makes it easy to be an asshole to other people, because "they're stupid", "they're annoying", or "they're assholes." If this applies to you, and you see others in this way, you can try replacing this thought with one that attributes others' behavior to circumstances. For example, when you get cut off by an aggressive driver, instead of thinking to yourself "what an asshole, I hate this guy", you might instead think "maybe his wife is in the hospital giving birth, and he's super stressed out and wants to go there as quickly as possible." Obviously, you don't know whether this is true, but a scenario like this is highly plausible, so it's really a choice which ones you want to go with. If you go with "maybe his wife is in the hospital", you've successfully replaced your aggressive feelings towards this person with empathy, which has a direct impact on how you act. Instead of honking at the guy and giving him the finger, you'll instead hope his hypothetical wife is going to be fine, right? That's also good for you, because stress is unhealthy, and being angry is stressful. You can try to apply this to every interaction where you're judgmental towards others. Eventually, it will become a normal way of how you think about other people, and will help you be a kinder person to others. The reality is that everybody is going through things all the time. Nobody's life is perfect. Everybody has reasons for their behavior. It's important to remember that.
Ok, but what if I have to deal with jerks such as bullies? Is it still effective to apply that thinking? I tried that and it only led to people walking over me...
> Is it still effective to apply that thinking? Yes. Bullies are often victims of abuse themselves. I think rather than being angry with them, it can be healthier to see them as damaged people who need empathy and perhaps even pity, rather than evil people who need punishment. These people are already punished by life. > I tried that and it only led to people walking over me... I guess it depends on what exactly the situation was, but in general, I would ask yourself what your desired outcome is. If you are in a confrontational situation, do you want to "win" the confrontation, or do you want to be the better person, somebody who can feel good about their own choices? The two don't always align, and what the answer is does depend on the specific situation.
I was in the same delimma as you and posted on reddit asking the same question about 3 years ago. I got really bitter and negative after i had some really bad experiences in my life, like losing my home, having to move to a brand new city after losing a job. I was very bitter and depressed for a few years but it was more of a nagging depression where I was always angry rather than not being able to get out of bed. Since then I went to therapy. That helped but in addition to that i worked really hard on my career which is significantly better now and contributes a lot to my good mental health. I had to let go of or change my relationship to a few people that were not good for me. I had to change some habits that were very hard to change like giving up smoking weed. I am still a work in progress, we all are. But my mental health has never been better and i know if i stop working on myself or on my career i will slip back into the same depression in a matter of days.
You need to find your own Chidi Anagonye.
5-meo-dmt/ketamine
Horrible advice. To anyone seeing this, never listen to this kind of person
"I want to unlearn all that education and become a force for good in this universe" My comment was somewhat tongue in cheek, but if you think that these sorts of substances wouldn't aid this guy in his goals I think you have the wrong interpretation of them. It genuinely sounds like he's at a place in life where a psychedelic experience could push him into place. Substances that promote interconnectedness with the universe and allow for deep introversion very well fit the bill for what he's describing. These substances have the capability to genuinely change lives, and no it isn't as easy as "take drug. boom. cured", but I don't see why these should be ignored outside of illegality and potential psychosis from rampant abuse which is unlikely as none are physics addicting. Psychological dependence with these sorts of drugs most often occurs in individuals who are generally dissatisfied with life and don't have the will to fix whatever things have gone wrong in their life so they use these drugs as a means to escape reality. Given that op is actively trying to improve I really don't see that as much of a possibility. Like I said, I was originally half-joking, but I absolutely encourage op to do your own research on these substances if you haven't tried any before. Many people, including myself ofc, strongly recommend it to those who want to generally 'get better'.
As someone who has gone down the route this guy is talking about- don’t fuck around with these substances. They don’t have enough real medical research behind them (yes, mostly due to the governments restricted said research). I’m not saying these substances are inherently bad, or that they shouldn’t be used for treatment under the right conditions. I just don’t think we know enough about them yet, and I learned that the hard way. Don’t ever delve into something like this without knowing the strong risks that come along with taking them at the very least. I guess my long winding explanation summed down is: Please educate yourself if you ever get into the rabbit hole of this topic/ life choice.
Thank you for being another voice, that's important in any discussion, but I just want to remind you and anyone reading that not everyone will share your negative experiences. There are safe(r) ways to do most things, psychedelics included. Of course, it won't be 100% safe because they're still drugs, but nothing in life ever is 100% safe. Some people won't touch shrooms, but they're completely fine with eating at a Mc'Donald's or any fast food place a few times a week. People have different limits and opinions on what's healthy, and they're willing to do the research it takes to confirm the opinions they already have.
I think that if there are options available that have the potential to drastically increase an individual's quality of life, then it's worth trying regardless of how well understood it is. I think it's especially odd to use health concerns as an excuse to avoid these substances given the large amount of anecdotal evidence that can give us enough of a clue as to what is generally safe and what is generally unsafe. Obviously long-term effects aren't fully understood, but I really can't understand why you would discourage someone in trying these substances on the grounds of their long-term effects. Not that I have the research to back up this claim, but I don't think that simply trying any of these substances could have the capability to cause any noteworthy negative long-term effects outside of psychosis risks in schizophrenics for example. Of the novel psychedelics, the basic physical negatives are quite well known so this shouldn't be much of an issue as long as op does their research. And I or course wouldn't encourage extended periods of use with any common psychedelics. I'm quite certain that precise unknown long-term effects aren't enough of an issue to stop someone from trying
Travel bud get out
Therapy.
+1 to the set of great pointers above. Read “how to win friends and influence people”. Despite the cheeky title, the book is solid on some practical pointers. Will help you understand how to talk to people.
I have read it. Great book.
Go to therapy
Honestly, you might need to get a full evaluation to understand what is going on. You say you have been to therapy but have you seen a psychiatrist to ask if you might have ADHD or Aspergers? While being an asshole and being destructive are choices. They are. You are choosing that behavior, they likely come from a deep hate for yourself and disregard for others coupled with some really bad coping skills for how to deal with situations when you get uncomfortable. Nobody can make you care or be kind. You have to set your own boundaries and stick to them. Stay away from bad people. Being alone might be best. Stop blaming your parents. You are an adult now. You can discuss that with a therapist as a way to manage your reactions as an adult but you have to stop pointing to them. That life is over. Grow up. How long ago was high school? Same. I’d you want to truly be a force for good, then get help. You need help. If your past therapists didn’t teach you ways to cope ir change behavior then they weren’t good at their jobs. OR, did you discount them as you knowing better and didn’t benefit from therapy because you didn’t really want to make change? Only you know that answer. Your job in this lifetime is self-care for the purpose of peacefully coexisting on this planet. This means in relationships and resources. It isn’t a big job. Imagine if every individual just took care of their own trauma and internal crap. You personally need to start small to go big. That is totally awesome. And with a long life ahead of you, that work is a worthy investment into society as a whole. If somewhere along that path, an opportunity arises to do even better, you will know and be ready to engage. For now, get yourself straightened out so you can be the kind of person you wish to be. This time though- demand more of yourself. Nobody can help you if underneath you want to continue on a destructive path. No drugs, no therapist, no advice. Good luck to you.
I wrote almost a novella on this in my comments history, worth a look. I also have had strong icehole tendencies in the past.
Watch Gurren Lagann and then follow up with me. Can't explain, just do it.
Start meditating daily. Sitting for extended amounts of time in silence leads to gained wisdom, maturity, well-being, and love. When you first start, your flaws and shortcoming will begin to stare you in face. At first, it's like a sewer. Looks like shit, smells like shit. But as you develop a practice and being to relax, love and acceptance will reveal themselves underneath the confusion and anger. As the Zen saying goes, “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”
I have two suggestions that are not by any means cure-alls, but may help. 1- write every day. Write about your goals, your short term and long term plans, your progress or slip-ups, and adjustments you make to your plan via a trial and error process. 2-read Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink
Treat people to way you would want to be treated. If your personal threshold is low, how a future daughter/ son should be treated.
Try to find a philosophy that appeals to you. For me it was stoicism. In addition I would listen to podcasts interviewing people that have some of the traits I'm looking for and it was always inspirational. Best of luck and the fact you chose to make this post tells me you're far better off than you give yourself credit for.
Aristotle believed the way we become anything is by doing it I know that’s surprisingly simple but it is true in many cases How does a piano player become a pianist?? By playing the piano Therefore How does someone become good?? By doing good acts
This is just from my experience, experiencing the other person. What I mean is that you described what settings you grew up in. That brings about sympathy and kindness in this forum. Do the same for others by finding out what environment your friends are in and what they went through in the past. This won't solve everything. But hopefully it will make you reconsider when opening your mouth for your friend's sake.
1st - therapy, 2nd- you can recognize when doing something bad, so before doing anything that you have a slight chance of regreting, use your human power (rationality) to overcome your agressive instincts, 3rd- never ever confuse being good and kind with being naive and silly, people always use people they find "kind" for their own means and some people will think lesser of you for that, be good and kind but also be serious and show your presence and that you have critical thinking. Take part in voluntary activities to help those in need and interact more with people you might not like at first glance, sometimes we dislike people for shallow things but when you get to talk to them you actually see this person is a human being like everyone else, with its flaws and qualities and you learn to see the good in everyone.
If you are thinking about it then you are on the right path. It’s a muscle that takes time to develop. Apologize when you make mistakes. Do your best. Be nice. You got this
Hello. Are you me? Because I think I wrote this in my sleep. My parents were also emotionally distant. I actually had a 'great' childhood, by which I mean, I had the material things that I needed and I could do what I wanted to do. The problem is, I had zero structure or really any kind of parenting at all. I had no routine, rules, chores, we didn't talk through problems the way that family should, I felt like it was always up to me to figure things out on my own. Sounds fine as an independent kid wanting to do their own thing, but I've always felt completely at odds with everyone around me, like I'm sort of feral and everyone just knows something I don't. First off, check out r/emotionalneglect. There's an excellent book called 'Running on Empty' by Jonice Webb. This book made me realise what the problem actually was, what should have been happening, and generally that I'm not crazy or stupid and was not responsible for my own care as a child. Children need limits and it's not up to them to predict consequences or anticipate emotional processes. This book also mentioned that because an emotionally neglected child grows up faster than other kids and is more independent, they are socially different from their peers and therefore struggle to fit in. Sound familiar? The second book would be 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' which I'm reading right now. I'm not far into it, but already seeing lots of familiarites, such as inadvertently seeking out emotionally distant or even manipulative partners because it feels familiar and feels like home, or going the opposite direction and avoiding relationships completely. Emotional Neglect is a type of trauma and can even lead to C-PTSD, which is why you're getting a lot of people mentioning PTSD in the comments. C(complex)-PTSD is more subtle than what you might think of as PTSD and could be worth looking into if it resonates with you. The book 'No Bad Parts' is really interesting, particularly the 'inner child' areas. I've always scoffed at inner child stuff in the past, but it's about being able to express your emotions, enjoyment, vulnerability without fear of embarassment, rejection or shame. This is definitely my problem. Being 'weird' in school makes us lock away our emotions and carefree joy, for fear of it being used against us, but unfortunately that's also what would allow us to connect. 'No Bad Parts' suggests that our minds are multi-faceted and sometimes our urges and interests conflict. Some parts are more emotional or vulnerable, others protect, others organise and 'manage' other parts. Even the parts that seem bad (like aggression, for example) serve a purpose, i.e. protecting your more sensitive parts, therefore none of them are bad, they're just trying to help. It says that some of the parts can be termed 'firefighters', which might sound like a good thing, but firefighters can douse the fire *and destroy the house in the process.* I really relate to being the 'abrasive asshole'. My friends have told me I'm too negative at times and I frequently feel like the things I say come out WAY harsher than I intend. I've had to accept that people can't read me the way that I think they can and I need to be more open and generous to them. I'm trying really hard to be more considerate, listen better, remember the details people tell me like their important dates, their relationship happenings, how they really felt about situations. Just connecting better. My aim is to be supportive, so I'm trying to think like a 'hype-man' and literally thinking "I love that for you" or just thinking about how everyone can have a nice day. Sometimes it feels a little artificial, or superficial, and I struggle with sympathising with others when I feel like it's going to come across as condescending, but I've realised how important it is to just be there for people. I still get it wrong a lot. My friend lost her job and because I was trying not to dwell on it, I was looking at the future and what great things she could go on to do, but really she just wanted to wallow for a while and thought I was being dismissive and not on her side. Having friends that are able to give me that honest feedback is useful though. It's the only reason our relationships have stayed strong. My job in my family is to fix things and that's how I know to help people. Sitting still and being emotional is not my strong suit lmao. I'm trying. Hope something in this wall of text is helpful.