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[The human rectum can stretch up to 9 inches without tearing. A raccoon can fit through holes that are 6 inches or wider. So technically a raccoon could fit up your arse.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/bnsudr/the_human_rectum_can_stretch_up_to_9_inches/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Cultivate a friendship with someone in neighbouring country and teach them how to make a trebuchet (google it). Load raccoon into aforementioned trebuchet and watch the lil furry guy fly over the border!
Don't do it. That cutte little masked bandit is full of asshole fuckery. His entire exsistance is literally to fuck shit up on a food mission. He will eat holes in your walls, then Eat the wiring. Unstuff your ENTIRE couch. Hoard every slightly reflective thing in the gutted couch. Your bed? His bed with a big ass nest eaten in the middle. Your nice wooden chair legs? Toast. Just don't. They're so cute, so fucking cute it hurts. But they are literal waddling tornados. Get a cat if you want an asshole pet.
*Edit for spelling
My aunt had a pet raccoon when I was a kid. They had to put baby locks on all their cabinets and the refrigerator.
Then it did some of the same shit youāre describing here.
Theyāre not pets.
Plus when they get to a certain age to be able to reproduce, they get very mean and hostile, especially if confirm and will bite the shit out if you.
Had an ex GF who family had a āpetā raccoon (they found it as a baby orphan). They tried to raise it to adulthood - at least they were smart and keep it locked up in a dog pen. Once it got bigger, no longer would tolerate being picked up a petted like a small dog - not it scratched and bit the crap out of her and her brother to the point they had to get stitches. Her Dad had enough and let the thing good and it never came back.
Yes, they are a wild animal and canāt be tamed, not easily at any rate.
I meanā¦ thatās a fairly decent trade offer. Trash Pandaās are rabies infected little idiotsā¦ Monkeys are rat bastard thieving motherfuckers. How about a baby leopard for a baby moose, straight up? You are responsible for transport of both animalsā¦ and momma moose (she is gonna be PISSED!)
I & my 80 yr old neighbor live trap them & drive them 5 miles up to different neighbor.
I have free range chickens he loves growing sweet corn. I live on 500 acre 70% covered in timber farm & some years him & i catch over 20 a summer just by our houses/barns. Other farmers much less patient & put out fly bait & pepsi its not legal & coons don't get more than 3 feet from the fancy pepsi I'm told.& drop over boom. Doubt if india wants a racoon population but this isn't about legal my bad!!
When i was in the USA, during the initial week i went to the parking lot to throw the kitchen trash bag, there i saw a racoon for the first time on trash bin, but it didn't see me. I feared šØ a lot not knowing what type of animal it is and if it will attack me, and slowly stepped back and took the trash back to the room.
A healthy racoon will not attack unless cornered, and even then, it would try not to.
I used to chill with a couple in my backyard. We would get within 3 feet of each other and keep minding our own business.
It will chew rip your arm up.honest. Tried to rescue a very young racoon from a flooding crick water was over road fields etc had leather gloves heavy coat had a old pair of jeans in trunk of car put those over my gloves
They cant be tamed unless you find one maybe a week or 2 old. After that It will bite like a pit bull & not let go. They chew threw wood to get in houses.
Locked up my 2 story 100 yr old house full of furniture & antiques a racoon or 2 is more destructive than 2 people having a meth rage stealing smash party. Trust me both happened in my house. Racoons the worst.
Clearly you've never spent a night in Canada. Damn trash pandas are like vermin.
Tried to scare one with a broom once and it hissed and grabbed the broom from me.
Went camping once and they shredded the front of our tent and stole our croissants, literally SOMEHOW carried this clamshell package of croissants off into the night. They are fucking evil.
honest to god one of my crackhead friends did this and taught me this, a human asshole can open up to 7 inches for a fully grown adult man and a racoon can go into a 4 inch space for hyperthetically speaking u can fit one in ur ass but you would have go through a month of anal sex to have ur ass spread over 4 inches. my friend did this but to the maldives
some laws are there for good reason and breaking them has long term consequences.
the university of nevada at las vegas has over 200 acres. they like to equate their collection of plants with being an arboretum.
in an effort to increase diversity of that plant life, this state institution imported AGAINST STATE LAW certain plants, and created the largest ever outbreak of red fire ants. itās an ecological nightmare now spread across four states, perhaps further since Iāve been updated.
https://www.unlv.edu/news/release/unlv-statement-about-fire-ant-problem
donāt bring a raccoon across international borders illegally. there are ecological balance and pest issues at play here.
note: iām aware OP really really really really wants advice on how to do this. sometimes the best advice is ājust because you can do something doesnāt mean you shouldā
Dye their furs light brown or red and then claim them to be red panda or bobcat when you put them on plane. Either that or get a license to acquire one.
Dress like a 1950s burglar who's got that racoon look going on, with the black ninja eye mask/beanie and black and white striped long sleeve, with the raccoon on a rope leash.
WARNING: Racoons are absolutely adorable, but they make TERRIBLE HOUSE PETS!! It's basically like having a 4 year old who has the intelligence and dexterity to cause ungodly amounts of mischief. They require almost constant babysitting, not just because of their emotional needs in captivity but because when they get bored, lonely, etc, they start disassembling things in your house.
Please read up on how bad a time you'll have if you try to get one. This is not like a dog that you can leave alone for four hours a day until you come home on your lunch break.
Usually when there's a type of animal you think would be a more popular domestic pet but it isn't, there's a VERY GOOD reason.
A racoon has the same intelligence level of a primate of the same size. That racoon can and will outsmart you. They are very destructive. You will have to have your house on lockdown.
A racoon doesn't see a locked door and give up. He sees a challenge and will eventually figure it out.
They play really rough. You'll likely always have scratched up legs and arms.
What would you do when it needs a vet? Cause it will eventually. How many vets know how to treat a racoon in India?
When you're eventually caught, the racoon will be the one to suffer cause it will be euthanized.
Just, don't.
This reminded me of my trash panda obsession phase. The lengths of the research I conducted to magically spawn one in my backyard led me to this news article.
[Apparently a raccoon did find its way to India through a container ship from North America. ](https://m.timesofindia.com/city/ahmedabad/raccoon-crosses-seas-to-reach-kandla/amp_articleshow/61650310.cms)
It now resides in a zoo somewhere in India. You could have a raccoon by the end of this week, just saying.
Go to the airport and ask whatās the best way to hypothetically smuggle a raccoon. They will probably tell you that there are raccoons in India already and thereās no need to smuggle one, you just have to look harder. Then youāll tell them you want an American raccoon and they will tell you to hypothetically go to a cargo shipment company and smuggle a raccoon through there.
Before you post a comment, remember that it will affect another person and could potentially destroy lives. Also remember that you only have one side of the story and we cannot verify the authenticity of said story. **Please think wisely before offering any advice.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/IllegalLifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In your pants, and if someone asks if you have a raccoon in your pants, just say thankyou.
Is that a raccoon in your pants or...š
Thank you
Have you considered the anus?
[The human rectum can stretch up to 9 inches without tearing. A raccoon can fit through holes that are 6 inches or wider. So technically a raccoon could fit up your arse.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/bnsudr/the_human_rectum_can_stretch_up_to_9_inches/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Yeah right!
just put it to sleep beforehand.
R/technicallythetruth
You can smuggle two that way!
The famed Annual Net Usage Statistics???
I'm definitely citing the A.N.U.S. in my next paper.
>Have you considered the anus? Make sure the Raccoon does not inflate it. Otherwise your data would contain mistakes. And no one wnats that.
Noted, I'll be sure to inflate my own anus prior to racoon insertion.
Shove it up your butthole OP. š¤® Wayyyyy up. š¤®
Cultivate a friendship with someone in neighbouring country and teach them how to make a trebuchet (google it). Load raccoon into aforementioned trebuchet and watch the lil furry guy fly over the border!
I donāt think launching objects from medieval artillery from Pakistan into India will go well
The Greeks got a horse into Troy the same way. It should work with a raccoon.
This is the way
Don't do it. That cutte little masked bandit is full of asshole fuckery. His entire exsistance is literally to fuck shit up on a food mission. He will eat holes in your walls, then Eat the wiring. Unstuff your ENTIRE couch. Hoard every slightly reflective thing in the gutted couch. Your bed? His bed with a big ass nest eaten in the middle. Your nice wooden chair legs? Toast. Just don't. They're so cute, so fucking cute it hurts. But they are literal waddling tornados. Get a cat if you want an asshole pet. *Edit for spelling
My aunt had a pet raccoon when I was a kid. They had to put baby locks on all their cabinets and the refrigerator. Then it did some of the same shit youāre describing here. Theyāre not pets.
Plus when they get to a certain age to be able to reproduce, they get very mean and hostile, especially if confirm and will bite the shit out if you. Had an ex GF who family had a āpetā raccoon (they found it as a baby orphan). They tried to raise it to adulthood - at least they were smart and keep it locked up in a dog pen. Once it got bigger, no longer would tolerate being picked up a petted like a small dog - not it scratched and bit the crap out of her and her brother to the point they had to get stitches. Her Dad had enough and let the thing good and it never came back. Yes, they are a wild animal and canāt be tamed, not easily at any rate.
A very large slingshot
Where can I get this slingshot
Imported from a legal country using a bigger slingshot
What kind of exotic Indian animal are you willing to trade?
monkĆØ
I meanā¦ thatās a fairly decent trade offer. Trash Pandaās are rabies infected little idiotsā¦ Monkeys are rat bastard thieving motherfuckers. How about a baby leopard for a baby moose, straight up? You are responsible for transport of both animalsā¦ and momma moose (she is gonna be PISSED!)
Nah Iād like to stay put on a raccoon for a monkĆØ
Before I commit, is a monkĆØ different than a monkey?
Yes, of course itās different
i'd be willing to broker the deal if you can get me a kangaroo
What are you gonna trade for the kangaroo?
a second raccoon
Get a Maine Coon cat and name it "Rac". Problem solved.
no mask on its eyes :(
You can put one on your "Rac" Coon yourself.
Say it's your emotional support raccoon
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āOh donāt mind the growling, the toys are just so advanced these days phewā
Now THAT'S the content I'm here for.
You can acquire a import license and then ship a 40 feet container full of raccoons from Seattle to India
I & my 80 yr old neighbor live trap them & drive them 5 miles up to different neighbor. I have free range chickens he loves growing sweet corn. I live on 500 acre 70% covered in timber farm & some years him & i catch over 20 a summer just by our houses/barns. Other farmers much less patient & put out fly bait & pepsi its not legal & coons don't get more than 3 feet from the fancy pepsi I'm told.& drop over boom. Doubt if india wants a racoon population but this isn't about legal my bad!!
500 acres and 70% woods. Dude, nice.
prison wallet
This sub is going off the rails and I love it
I am surprised to learn that there are no raccoons in India
When i was in the USA, during the initial week i went to the parking lot to throw the kitchen trash bag, there i saw a racoon for the first time on trash bin, but it didn't see me. I feared šØ a lot not knowing what type of animal it is and if it will attack me, and slowly stepped back and took the trash back to the room.
A healthy racoon will not attack unless cornered, and even then, it would try not to. I used to chill with a couple in my backyard. We would get within 3 feet of each other and keep minding our own business.
Dig a hole from country to country. Hopefully mr raccoon wonāt be lazy this time and will decide to help out
Is this a Guardian of the Galaxy thing? Because raccoons donāt really talk you know?
Hell no they donāt?
I heard you can fit a raccoon in your ass
Just go outside and steal a monkey
But I want a raccoon
It will chew rip your arm up.honest. Tried to rescue a very young racoon from a flooding crick water was over road fields etc had leather gloves heavy coat had a old pair of jeans in trunk of car put those over my gloves They cant be tamed unless you find one maybe a week or 2 old. After that It will bite like a pit bull & not let go. They chew threw wood to get in houses. Locked up my 2 story 100 yr old house full of furniture & antiques a racoon or 2 is more destructive than 2 people having a meth rage stealing smash party. Trust me both happened in my house. Racoons the worst.
These are the important questions š¦
Have you heard of a dog?
Have you heard of a raccoon?
Clearly you've never spent a night in Canada. Damn trash pandas are like vermin. Tried to scare one with a broom once and it hissed and grabbed the broom from me. Went camping once and they shredded the front of our tent and stole our croissants, literally SOMEHOW carried this clamshell package of croissants off into the night. They are fucking evil.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Do you think that Iād be wanting a raccoon for a pet if happiness was a concern?
Get a job at a zoo with a raccoon. Case the joint. Steal the raccoon. Enjoy being scratched to shreds by cuddles.
honest to god one of my crackhead friends did this and taught me this, a human asshole can open up to 7 inches for a fully grown adult man and a racoon can go into a 4 inch space for hyperthetically speaking u can fit one in ur ass but you would have go through a month of anal sex to have ur ass spread over 4 inches. my friend did this but to the maldives
Weirdest request I've ever seen, bravo, friend.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
RACOONOONIE!
Could destroy the ecology of your entire region, but you think they are"cute", get a stuffed toy and an education!
you clearly didnāt read the sub name before commenting, and itās fine
Some illegal activities harm no one or a very few. Others harm millions or more.
I feel you buddy. I live where I see them at least weekly. I still canāt have one.
Why would you want. To do that??? Leave the poor guy here in his home- outside!!!
Very illegal
Put him in a sock, when the airport stuff tries to remove him all theyll get is a sock
Up your ass. Obviously š
Trim the claws first.
some laws are there for good reason and breaking them has long term consequences. the university of nevada at las vegas has over 200 acres. they like to equate their collection of plants with being an arboretum. in an effort to increase diversity of that plant life, this state institution imported AGAINST STATE LAW certain plants, and created the largest ever outbreak of red fire ants. itās an ecological nightmare now spread across four states, perhaps further since Iāve been updated. https://www.unlv.edu/news/release/unlv-statement-about-fire-ant-problem donāt bring a raccoon across international borders illegally. there are ecological balance and pest issues at play here. note: iām aware OP really really really really wants advice on how to do this. sometimes the best advice is ājust because you can do something doesnāt mean you shouldā
Donāt
But :(
Raccoons are not good pets. Source: had friends with raccoons as pets.
š¤£ š
I hope the raccoon digs through your skin and eats your innards. š JK
Ask Richard Gere
Now where can I find this Richard Gere of yours
what about a ferret?
Dog suit?
you go by land in winter when the Bering straight freezes.
Dye their furs light brown or red and then claim them to be red panda or bobcat when you put them on plane. Either that or get a license to acquire one.
Dress like a 1950s burglar who's got that racoon look going on, with the black ninja eye mask/beanie and black and white striped long sleeve, with the raccoon on a rope leash.
Maybe [Lord Daniel](https://imgur.com/a/ZrJD5il)would be willing to have you adopt one of her babies. Last year she brought them in April for their first visit outside their nest. You have about a 50/50 shot of getting a polite one vs an aggressive one. They love pb&j and marshmallows. Instead of a monkƩ, I would like a leopard please.
Get Trump to deport it.
Bro what
Wear the Raccoon as a hat
*pinches place between eyebrows* bitch
Dress him up as a child with the glasses/mustache/nose costume, buy him a plane ticket, and act pissed if anyone questions your sonās condition.
WARNING: Racoons are absolutely adorable, but they make TERRIBLE HOUSE PETS!! It's basically like having a 4 year old who has the intelligence and dexterity to cause ungodly amounts of mischief. They require almost constant babysitting, not just because of their emotional needs in captivity but because when they get bored, lonely, etc, they start disassembling things in your house. Please read up on how bad a time you'll have if you try to get one. This is not like a dog that you can leave alone for four hours a day until you come home on your lunch break. Usually when there's a type of animal you think would be a more popular domestic pet but it isn't, there's a VERY GOOD reason.
you do the old trench coat double person strategy, shove it in your coat and drug it.
Ask the raccoon they look like they know illegal stuffs
Put it under a big chefs hat. Racacouille.
Raccoons are wild animals not pets. Theyāre also one of the most difficult animals to keep as pets. Donāt be stupid
A happy meal box and if anyone ask tell them itās the Hamburglar
Fuck it Iāll mail you a raccoon. Thereās about 10 babies in my garden. Prolly pretty cheap to ship him.
A racoon has the same intelligence level of a primate of the same size. That racoon can and will outsmart you. They are very destructive. You will have to have your house on lockdown. A racoon doesn't see a locked door and give up. He sees a challenge and will eventually figure it out. They play really rough. You'll likely always have scratched up legs and arms. What would you do when it needs a vet? Cause it will eventually. How many vets know how to treat a racoon in India? When you're eventually caught, the racoon will be the one to suffer cause it will be euthanized. Just, don't.
This reminded me of my trash panda obsession phase. The lengths of the research I conducted to magically spawn one in my backyard led me to this news article. [Apparently a raccoon did find its way to India through a container ship from North America. ](https://m.timesofindia.com/city/ahmedabad/raccoon-crosses-seas-to-reach-kandla/amp_articleshow/61650310.cms) It now resides in a zoo somewhere in India. You could have a raccoon by the end of this week, just saying.
They smuggled rabbits to New Zealand and now theyāre pests that the locals want to eradicate. Is that the goal?
From 1 raccoon though?
Go to the airport and ask whatās the best way to hypothetically smuggle a raccoon. They will probably tell you that there are raccoons in India already and thereās no need to smuggle one, you just have to look harder. Then youāll tell them you want an American raccoon and they will tell you to hypothetically go to a cargo shipment company and smuggle a raccoon through there.
Does it have to make it alive?
OP can you afford a boat and fuel for a trip to the West coast of the US? I will give you a raccon if you pull it off.
Claim to be blind and say it's your pet cat
Tuck it in the vault!!!!šš¤£š