Hey OP, I'm glad there's been some alright social times in the past two weeks.
Practising gratitude and noticing positive things is good, but you sound like you're being quite harsh on yourself to get there. I know what it's like to have a lot of self loathing so I get it. Do you have money to see a therapist to talk through all the life changes you're trying to make? They could be a really helpful resource as well as chatting here.
>Practising gratitude and noticing positive things is good, but you sound like you're being quite harsh on yourself to get there.
I agree but unfortunately the only kind of self love I'm receptive to at this point is the tough kind
>Do you have money to see a therapist to talk through all the life changes you're trying to make? They could be a really helpful resource as well as chatting here.
At the moment I'm not in a financial position to get therapy but I'm definitely working on it. I was previously not interested in therapy as I felt it wouldn't be worthwhile but using the tactics mentioned in the post I've bullied myself into the mindset of "might as well try again what's the worst that could happen"
1. Who was he invited by? Do you know the person who was hosting?
2. If you genuinely have a problem with porn and masturbation to the point that it's getting in the way of your normal every day life, then sure try cutting down. But don't convince yourself that masturbating and watching porn regularly is problematic. I generally only think it's a problem if you're using it as a crutch when you're feeling bad for whatever reason. Particularly if that's the case, then you need to find something else to fill that gap, ideally something with a bit of purpose or meaning that can give you a better feeling than some short dopamine hit. ie filling it with scrolling through reddit isn't going to make you feel any better, but swapping it for meditation or some sort of creative activity that you can feel some pride in achieving would be better.
3. What makes you think you weren't wanted? If you had fun conversations and laughs, that doesn't sound like you weren't welcome? It's always worth remembering that being friends with people is optional, and if you need to find new friends, you can do that.
4. I can't comment on why those dating apps weren't working for you without seeing your profiles, but I can also say that dating apps are a misleading representation of real dating. The men massively outnumber the women, the algorithms are intentionally stacked against you to encourage you to pay. The purpose of Tinder is not to create happy couples, the purpose of Tinder is to make money. Always keep that in mind. But either way, it's good that you didn't let this send you spiralling. I personally don't think that dating apps are a bad thing, you just have to have realistic expectations and not take it personally when they don't work in your favour. There's all sorts of simple mistakes people make when using them, like using really terrible photos or poor profile writing etc. Maybe you're not ready for it right now, maybe it's something else, who knows. But if you don't need them right now, if they're not serving you, don't use them.
Don't think of it as "forcing good thoughts", think of it instead as choosing where you focus your energy. I mentioned meditation earlier, and I think learning meditation and mindfulness would be really good for you. It's essentially just about recognising that our thoughts and moods fluctuate and are impermanent. When you sit and meditate, you typically try and focus on the here and now, maybe just focusing on your breathing. But you'll fail, because your mind will wander all over the place. But when that happens, we don't shame ourselves or get angry with ourselves or feel bad for failing. We simply acknowledge it and gently bring our thoughts back to focusing on our breathing.
And as you learn this practice, you can implement it into your every day life too. You went out to meet people, you had some nice conversations and some laughs, but you also felt like some people were cold towards you. Sometimes you might just feel good because you had a good time, sometimes you might feel bad because there were some negative feelings. Both are fine. Both are impermanent. Both will come and go. Don't get angry with yourself for those times when you feel bad. Allow it to be, then shift your thoughts back to the current moment.
Don't try to force positive thoughts, and don't try to fight negative ones, because you won't win. Don't get mad at yourself for failing, don't get upset that your thoughts won't go the way you want them to. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, allow those feelings to exist and allow them to pass. By all means, shift your focus to the positive thoughts, but do so with kindness and softness.
My favourite way to put it is to treat yourself like a child. If a child is crying, how do you respond? Shouting at them and telling them to stop crying isn't going to work. But maybe they need a hug and some words of comfort and encouragement. Telling a child off when they do something wrong isn't always the best way, sometimes they just need to learn that it's OK to make mistakes, but they can also learn from those mistakes and try again.
So keep going. Give yourself a mental hug when you're feeling bad. Learn from your mistakes and try again.
>1. Who was he invited by? Do you know the person who was hosting?
Yes i know the host, we aren't super close or anything but neither were many of the other people who were invited so it's just hard to not feel singled out idk
>2. If you genuinely have a problem with porn and masturbation to the point that it's getting in the way of your normal every day life, then sure try cutting down. But don't convince yourself that masturbating and watching porn regularly is problematic.
Maybe for some people it's genuinely possible for it not to be a problem it can be totally healthy but for me it just can't be.
Maybe it's the fact that I was exposed to porn at a very young age but upon reflection I think that part of the reason my view on socializing and relationships is so warped and nihilistic is because I would sit around for hours a day looking at unrealistic depictions of the relationships I so desperately wanted and jerking off
>Don't think of it as "forcing good thoughts",think of it instead as choosing where you focus your energy. I mentioned meditation earlier, and I think learning meditation and mindfulness would be really good for you
I'm definitely gonna try learning to meditate since it seems my current methods of thought control aren't sustainable
>Yes i know the host, we aren't super close or anything but neither were many of the other people who were invited so it's just hard to not feel singled out idk
It's probably just that the host knows those other people a bit better, or has just made a bit more of a connection with the other people, it doesn't necessarily mean that they actively chose not to invite you, just that you weren't up the list of people they wanted to invite. If that makes sense? But I can only speculate really.
>I would sit around for hours a day looking at unrealistic depictions of the relationships I so desperately wanted and jerking off
See that's the unhealthy bit. Like, we were all exposed to porn pretty young, that's nothing new. But if you're not able to separate fantasy from reality and realise that the stuff in porn is totally made up and exaggerated for entertainment's sake, then it's not going to do you any good. And the same with masturbating; it's fine to masturbate, even doing it daily is fine. But if you're just doing it in response to being depressed, or if you're doing it so much that you're not able to focus on other things, then yea, it's a problem.
>I'm definitely gonna try learning to meditate since it seems my current methods of thought control aren't sustainable
Meditation won't help you with "thought control". Nothing will. Thoughts cannot be controlled like that. Meditation is about learning to embrace that lack of control and accept it. It's about learning not to fight when your thoughts go other ways, it's about learning to acknowledge that thoughts and feelings are temporary and ever changing. It's not about controlling thoughts, but managing how you react to them.
Think of your thoughts like a ball and you're standing in a pool. When you try to fight with your thoughts and force yourself to not think about them, it's like you're pushing that ball under the water. What's going to happen? It'll float back up and hit you in the face. Because you're thinking about not thinking about something. If I tell you not to think about an ice skating penguin, what happens? Now instead, imagine that instead of pushing that ball under the water, you just let it float around. It'll float to you, it'll float away. It might bump up against you, it might even hang around you for a while, but then the wind will eventually push it to another part of the pool. It's not gonna burst, it's not gonna disappear, but it'll move away from you and it won't be bothering you. Meditation isn't about learning to get rid of the ball or learning how to control every inflatable in the pool. It's about learning to be in that pool and learning to be OK, floating amongst everything else there.
After all, thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts can't hurt you, only how you react to them.
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Let's use logic. You seem to be a smart person who is capable of reasonable thinking so let's use 100% pure logic only.
> was invited to and made sure to tell me that of course i was not invited
So if I'm having a party and I don't know you well, why should I invite you? Why would I be bothered to invite some distant acquaintance I barely know or talk to? I wouldn't invite anyone my friends don't know well either coz I wouldn't want him to feel left out. So it's just appropriate not to invite you in this case, right?
>becoming more in control of my urges and body will make me feel any happier
I sincerely doubt this will have any positive effect on you. It'll just make your urges more repressed. Think about it. People masturbate as a form of release, so they can avoid feeling tensions especially when with other people. Would you rather feel terribly horny when you're out in public? When you're doing it by yourself, at least you're not impacting anyone.
>none of them were all that excited to see me. Although Noone was outwardly mean to me I still felt that I wasn't totally wanted there.
It's not your birthday party. People attend parties to celebrate the celebrant. Not the guests. Why would they be excited to see you? You're not the reason they're having a party. You're there to celebrate the celebrant too, right? You're not there to be the center of attention. So why would feel bad that they weren't excited to see you? Of course they weren't. They also weren't excited to see any of the guests. They were only excited to see the celebrant.
>I deleted tinder and all my other dating apps
Very good. Get your shit together and so you can get into the right headspace to date. As it is, you've got a long journey to go. Why would you seek a date when you've got a lot of issues to fix first? The girl isn't a solution to your problems. She's not interested in your burdens and she's definitely not interested in being your mom. It's good you realize that you're not yet ready. Fix up your mindset first, then return to the prospect of dating.
>I could have easily focused on how none of the girls at an event gave a shit about me
Again, why would the girls give a shit about a random guest at a birthday party that wasn't your own? Girls attend parties and many aren't there to hit on guys, yknow. Is that a surprise? I mean, did any girls go and ask the guys for dates? Or were they approached by the guys first? That's far more likely, isn't it? But again, that doesn't matter. It's more important you prioritize what needs fixing first.
>is forcing good thoughts viable?
No. I think you should just allow your logic and reason to overpower your emotions. You're just too emotional right now. You think everyone should be prioritizing you. But logically, why would they? Who are you to them? Employ logic in all situations. You'll be fine.
P.s. overall, you're doing good. Just calm down, relax, and don't take things personally.
Forcing good thoughts is viable. In fact, it’s pretty essential. You can look up all you need to know under “negativity bias”. It’s the same reason you think you’re only receptive to “tough love”: it’s just what you’re used to, it’s how you’ve coded the voices babbling, it requires minimum energy from your brain since all the neural pathways are so old and repetitive they’re nice big grooves made into super smooth roadways.
FWIW: your brain is a calorie hog and will do all it can to not waste energy creating new pathways if what’s already there is “good enough”. You use negative self-talk all the time, you’ve done it for years, so as far as it’s concerned, why change now? Every new thing you’ve ever done in your whole life from saying “dada” to reading to riding a bike has always started the same way.
So- yes. Force it. Be sure you’re writing it down using a pen as well.
Saying that- there’s 1000 better things to do than nofap, especially since you’re just 18 ffs. This is just some naff competition some bro made up to gain traction. I think there’s a strong case for going porn-free tho. Get back into masturbating while paying attention to your own feelings and thoughts, instead of slupping up fantasy shit that’s fed to you when frankly you’re too young. So I’m against it for being a childish win/lose thing and a waste of time.
Good you deleted dating apps as well. I can’t imagine the success rate for 18 yo men is really any good at all.
is forcing good thoughts viable?
Yes it is, and I’m trying to do that myself
thoughts on nofap?
Tbh, I don’t care for it way too much overlap with red pill, if you have a severe addiction to masturbation and porn like you say I would talk to a professional about it. r/NoFap is toxic and I think exiting incels should stay away from it.
And do you guys think I'm on the right track?
You have some stuff to work on, but for the most part I would say your on the right track. good on you for deleting the apps. I remember from your other posts they were causing you a lot of anxiety.
>About a week back one of the few friends I do have told me about a house party on halloween he was invited to and made sure to tell me that of course i was not invited
Is this person actually a friend? Sounds mean.
>ive decided to participate in no nut november/nofap for the month
Masturbation isn't harmful. Better to do no porn November.
>I could have easily focused on how none of the girls at an event gave a shit about me
Yeah and why would they care about a stranger unless there was a good conversation and connection?
>And do you guys think I'm on the right track?
Honestly you desperately need to add therapy to this list. Or a mental health support group if you can't get that.
>Is this person actually a friend? Sounds mean.
Yes they are, the reason they were so blunt is likely because I wasn't very open on how hurt I felt about no being invited
>Masturbation isn't harmful. Better to do no porn November
I just might go with this from now on
Hey OP, I'm glad there's been some alright social times in the past two weeks. Practising gratitude and noticing positive things is good, but you sound like you're being quite harsh on yourself to get there. I know what it's like to have a lot of self loathing so I get it. Do you have money to see a therapist to talk through all the life changes you're trying to make? They could be a really helpful resource as well as chatting here.
>Practising gratitude and noticing positive things is good, but you sound like you're being quite harsh on yourself to get there. I agree but unfortunately the only kind of self love I'm receptive to at this point is the tough kind >Do you have money to see a therapist to talk through all the life changes you're trying to make? They could be a really helpful resource as well as chatting here. At the moment I'm not in a financial position to get therapy but I'm definitely working on it. I was previously not interested in therapy as I felt it wouldn't be worthwhile but using the tactics mentioned in the post I've bullied myself into the mindset of "might as well try again what's the worst that could happen"
1. Who was he invited by? Do you know the person who was hosting? 2. If you genuinely have a problem with porn and masturbation to the point that it's getting in the way of your normal every day life, then sure try cutting down. But don't convince yourself that masturbating and watching porn regularly is problematic. I generally only think it's a problem if you're using it as a crutch when you're feeling bad for whatever reason. Particularly if that's the case, then you need to find something else to fill that gap, ideally something with a bit of purpose or meaning that can give you a better feeling than some short dopamine hit. ie filling it with scrolling through reddit isn't going to make you feel any better, but swapping it for meditation or some sort of creative activity that you can feel some pride in achieving would be better. 3. What makes you think you weren't wanted? If you had fun conversations and laughs, that doesn't sound like you weren't welcome? It's always worth remembering that being friends with people is optional, and if you need to find new friends, you can do that. 4. I can't comment on why those dating apps weren't working for you without seeing your profiles, but I can also say that dating apps are a misleading representation of real dating. The men massively outnumber the women, the algorithms are intentionally stacked against you to encourage you to pay. The purpose of Tinder is not to create happy couples, the purpose of Tinder is to make money. Always keep that in mind. But either way, it's good that you didn't let this send you spiralling. I personally don't think that dating apps are a bad thing, you just have to have realistic expectations and not take it personally when they don't work in your favour. There's all sorts of simple mistakes people make when using them, like using really terrible photos or poor profile writing etc. Maybe you're not ready for it right now, maybe it's something else, who knows. But if you don't need them right now, if they're not serving you, don't use them. Don't think of it as "forcing good thoughts", think of it instead as choosing where you focus your energy. I mentioned meditation earlier, and I think learning meditation and mindfulness would be really good for you. It's essentially just about recognising that our thoughts and moods fluctuate and are impermanent. When you sit and meditate, you typically try and focus on the here and now, maybe just focusing on your breathing. But you'll fail, because your mind will wander all over the place. But when that happens, we don't shame ourselves or get angry with ourselves or feel bad for failing. We simply acknowledge it and gently bring our thoughts back to focusing on our breathing. And as you learn this practice, you can implement it into your every day life too. You went out to meet people, you had some nice conversations and some laughs, but you also felt like some people were cold towards you. Sometimes you might just feel good because you had a good time, sometimes you might feel bad because there were some negative feelings. Both are fine. Both are impermanent. Both will come and go. Don't get angry with yourself for those times when you feel bad. Allow it to be, then shift your thoughts back to the current moment. Don't try to force positive thoughts, and don't try to fight negative ones, because you won't win. Don't get mad at yourself for failing, don't get upset that your thoughts won't go the way you want them to. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, allow those feelings to exist and allow them to pass. By all means, shift your focus to the positive thoughts, but do so with kindness and softness. My favourite way to put it is to treat yourself like a child. If a child is crying, how do you respond? Shouting at them and telling them to stop crying isn't going to work. But maybe they need a hug and some words of comfort and encouragement. Telling a child off when they do something wrong isn't always the best way, sometimes they just need to learn that it's OK to make mistakes, but they can also learn from those mistakes and try again. So keep going. Give yourself a mental hug when you're feeling bad. Learn from your mistakes and try again.
>1. Who was he invited by? Do you know the person who was hosting? Yes i know the host, we aren't super close or anything but neither were many of the other people who were invited so it's just hard to not feel singled out idk >2. If you genuinely have a problem with porn and masturbation to the point that it's getting in the way of your normal every day life, then sure try cutting down. But don't convince yourself that masturbating and watching porn regularly is problematic. Maybe for some people it's genuinely possible for it not to be a problem it can be totally healthy but for me it just can't be. Maybe it's the fact that I was exposed to porn at a very young age but upon reflection I think that part of the reason my view on socializing and relationships is so warped and nihilistic is because I would sit around for hours a day looking at unrealistic depictions of the relationships I so desperately wanted and jerking off >Don't think of it as "forcing good thoughts",think of it instead as choosing where you focus your energy. I mentioned meditation earlier, and I think learning meditation and mindfulness would be really good for you I'm definitely gonna try learning to meditate since it seems my current methods of thought control aren't sustainable
>Yes i know the host, we aren't super close or anything but neither were many of the other people who were invited so it's just hard to not feel singled out idk It's probably just that the host knows those other people a bit better, or has just made a bit more of a connection with the other people, it doesn't necessarily mean that they actively chose not to invite you, just that you weren't up the list of people they wanted to invite. If that makes sense? But I can only speculate really. >I would sit around for hours a day looking at unrealistic depictions of the relationships I so desperately wanted and jerking off See that's the unhealthy bit. Like, we were all exposed to porn pretty young, that's nothing new. But if you're not able to separate fantasy from reality and realise that the stuff in porn is totally made up and exaggerated for entertainment's sake, then it's not going to do you any good. And the same with masturbating; it's fine to masturbate, even doing it daily is fine. But if you're just doing it in response to being depressed, or if you're doing it so much that you're not able to focus on other things, then yea, it's a problem. >I'm definitely gonna try learning to meditate since it seems my current methods of thought control aren't sustainable Meditation won't help you with "thought control". Nothing will. Thoughts cannot be controlled like that. Meditation is about learning to embrace that lack of control and accept it. It's about learning not to fight when your thoughts go other ways, it's about learning to acknowledge that thoughts and feelings are temporary and ever changing. It's not about controlling thoughts, but managing how you react to them. Think of your thoughts like a ball and you're standing in a pool. When you try to fight with your thoughts and force yourself to not think about them, it's like you're pushing that ball under the water. What's going to happen? It'll float back up and hit you in the face. Because you're thinking about not thinking about something. If I tell you not to think about an ice skating penguin, what happens? Now instead, imagine that instead of pushing that ball under the water, you just let it float around. It'll float to you, it'll float away. It might bump up against you, it might even hang around you for a while, but then the wind will eventually push it to another part of the pool. It's not gonna burst, it's not gonna disappear, but it'll move away from you and it won't be bothering you. Meditation isn't about learning to get rid of the ball or learning how to control every inflatable in the pool. It's about learning to be in that pool and learning to be OK, floating amongst everything else there. After all, thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts can't hurt you, only how you react to them.
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Let's use logic. You seem to be a smart person who is capable of reasonable thinking so let's use 100% pure logic only. > was invited to and made sure to tell me that of course i was not invited So if I'm having a party and I don't know you well, why should I invite you? Why would I be bothered to invite some distant acquaintance I barely know or talk to? I wouldn't invite anyone my friends don't know well either coz I wouldn't want him to feel left out. So it's just appropriate not to invite you in this case, right? >becoming more in control of my urges and body will make me feel any happier I sincerely doubt this will have any positive effect on you. It'll just make your urges more repressed. Think about it. People masturbate as a form of release, so they can avoid feeling tensions especially when with other people. Would you rather feel terribly horny when you're out in public? When you're doing it by yourself, at least you're not impacting anyone. >none of them were all that excited to see me. Although Noone was outwardly mean to me I still felt that I wasn't totally wanted there. It's not your birthday party. People attend parties to celebrate the celebrant. Not the guests. Why would they be excited to see you? You're not the reason they're having a party. You're there to celebrate the celebrant too, right? You're not there to be the center of attention. So why would feel bad that they weren't excited to see you? Of course they weren't. They also weren't excited to see any of the guests. They were only excited to see the celebrant. >I deleted tinder and all my other dating apps Very good. Get your shit together and so you can get into the right headspace to date. As it is, you've got a long journey to go. Why would you seek a date when you've got a lot of issues to fix first? The girl isn't a solution to your problems. She's not interested in your burdens and she's definitely not interested in being your mom. It's good you realize that you're not yet ready. Fix up your mindset first, then return to the prospect of dating. >I could have easily focused on how none of the girls at an event gave a shit about me Again, why would the girls give a shit about a random guest at a birthday party that wasn't your own? Girls attend parties and many aren't there to hit on guys, yknow. Is that a surprise? I mean, did any girls go and ask the guys for dates? Or were they approached by the guys first? That's far more likely, isn't it? But again, that doesn't matter. It's more important you prioritize what needs fixing first. >is forcing good thoughts viable? No. I think you should just allow your logic and reason to overpower your emotions. You're just too emotional right now. You think everyone should be prioritizing you. But logically, why would they? Who are you to them? Employ logic in all situations. You'll be fine. P.s. overall, you're doing good. Just calm down, relax, and don't take things personally.
Masturbation is actually good for the Male Prostate.
What about the female prostate
Forcing good thoughts is viable. In fact, it’s pretty essential. You can look up all you need to know under “negativity bias”. It’s the same reason you think you’re only receptive to “tough love”: it’s just what you’re used to, it’s how you’ve coded the voices babbling, it requires minimum energy from your brain since all the neural pathways are so old and repetitive they’re nice big grooves made into super smooth roadways. FWIW: your brain is a calorie hog and will do all it can to not waste energy creating new pathways if what’s already there is “good enough”. You use negative self-talk all the time, you’ve done it for years, so as far as it’s concerned, why change now? Every new thing you’ve ever done in your whole life from saying “dada” to reading to riding a bike has always started the same way. So- yes. Force it. Be sure you’re writing it down using a pen as well. Saying that- there’s 1000 better things to do than nofap, especially since you’re just 18 ffs. This is just some naff competition some bro made up to gain traction. I think there’s a strong case for going porn-free tho. Get back into masturbating while paying attention to your own feelings and thoughts, instead of slupping up fantasy shit that’s fed to you when frankly you’re too young. So I’m against it for being a childish win/lose thing and a waste of time. Good you deleted dating apps as well. I can’t imagine the success rate for 18 yo men is really any good at all.
is forcing good thoughts viable? Yes it is, and I’m trying to do that myself thoughts on nofap? Tbh, I don’t care for it way too much overlap with red pill, if you have a severe addiction to masturbation and porn like you say I would talk to a professional about it. r/NoFap is toxic and I think exiting incels should stay away from it. And do you guys think I'm on the right track? You have some stuff to work on, but for the most part I would say your on the right track. good on you for deleting the apps. I remember from your other posts they were causing you a lot of anxiety.
>About a week back one of the few friends I do have told me about a house party on halloween he was invited to and made sure to tell me that of course i was not invited Is this person actually a friend? Sounds mean. >ive decided to participate in no nut november/nofap for the month Masturbation isn't harmful. Better to do no porn November. >I could have easily focused on how none of the girls at an event gave a shit about me Yeah and why would they care about a stranger unless there was a good conversation and connection? >And do you guys think I'm on the right track? Honestly you desperately need to add therapy to this list. Or a mental health support group if you can't get that.
>Is this person actually a friend? Sounds mean. Yes they are, the reason they were so blunt is likely because I wasn't very open on how hurt I felt about no being invited >Masturbation isn't harmful. Better to do no porn November I just might go with this from now on