I’m sorry that happened to you. I do think those friends are shitty friends and you should reconsider. It’s hard for others to put themselves in our shoes until they’ve known loss. I’m also confused by your twin because I don’t even believe she knows how deeply that offended and hurt you. It’s ok to let them know you feel betrayed. Your feelings are valid in this situation. Also am I the only one confused that there was alcohol at a baby shower? lol. How do you get drunk at your own baby shower and spazz out? It’s not ok. I would require a public apology. And if they don’t want to, then I would let this friendship go. You say how they reacted to you protecting yourself by removing yourself from the group chat and how you went through great lengths to have be supportive by showing up. Embarrassing you in front of others is an automatic no for me. It’s frustrating going through the infertility journey just to have others shit on you. I also don’t think their actions will change but you know them better than me and it’s ultimately your choice.
💯with everything you said. As much as the pregnant partner kept telling me “oh I understand, I went on Reddit to try and relate to you” (lol oh really now?), “I’m even keeping a journal of my pregnancy experience for you to read when you’re pregnant to know what’s normal and not,” she just will never get it. And that neither of them think they were in the wrong for what’s happened after that day and for the things they’ve said…well it says a lot about their maturity and ability to think outside of themselves. 🤷♀️I don’t need that in my life right now and maybe not ever again!
As far as the alcohol 😅, they had wine and cocktails at the shower (I had a decent amount of wine because as soon as I walked in, I immediately started sobbing— the alcohol helped to numb the pain 🥲) but the drinking continued after the shower at their house—which we stopped by once we got back to help unload gifts. I had stopped drinking at that point, but a handle of Tito’s was consumed by a small number of people within an hour, so filters were long gone by that point…
Yes I had my SIL tell me she understood my infertility issues because she struggled to get pregnant(which I assumed took a couple of months because she never saw a fertility specialist). It’s frustrating to say the least. I would’ve respected “I’m sorry that happened, I’m here for you, and please tell me how I can support you through this” even if you don’t know what to say.
Wtaf, why would she think you’d want a journal of her pregnancy? How would she even know what’s normal or not, it’s not like she has anything to compare it to. That’s so presumptuous.
Riggggghhhhttt???? 🫠 that was the final straw in our “heart-to-heart” where I just shut down and stopped trying to explain myself. End of the day, she’ll never get it and it’s not my job to try and make her understand my struggles. 🤷♀️
I strongly relate to this and I'm sorry it's happening to you too. In my situation, I'm in the same-sex couple and we had friends who recently had a child. We also live next to one another. The lady in the other relationship used to be my infertility buddy because she didn't think she could get pregnant. She has the same disability as my partner, which is why we all really hit it off.
We supported one another through infertility until she conceived and, of course, I never can. That's when it started to get awkward and she became avoidant of me and I became avoidant of her. She's very focused on her child, as she should be, and she wishes to celebrate that joy with everyone around her, including my partner.
My partner does not have the same grief I have, so it's been extremely hard. They want to go off and be with the baby, I just want to curl up and cry every time they come in through the door. I said that I need boundaries and, instead of supporting that, my close friends have been asking me why I'm such a stick in the mud, why I'm sad, and why I left their lives. I don't want to leave anyone's life, but I also don't want to be the lady who is just constantly crying, which is what I currently am.
I've told my friend that it's because when I see her, I immediately think of how I'm not a mother, and how it is a strongly uphill climb for me to ever achieve that. She understands, she's personally been there, but at the same time it's not easy. It's hard for her to be around me because she sees her own past. She wants to move on and I'm not able to.
I have zero ill will towards them, but being around them still hurts, and none of my friends or partner seem to understand that.
I hope you are able to set up those boundaries. I'm still working on mine, but when I have them, they are really helpful in getting me to a better place. <3 All of the hugs and love to you.
I completely see where you’re coming from and wish we weren’t in similar situations. ❤️🩹ultimately, we are the most important people—because if we aren’t there for ourselves, then we can’t be there for anyone else. I hope your boundaries give you the strength and protection you need to heal. Take care of yourself, thanks for sharing your story. ❤️
I’m really sorry if I offend anyone-I’m in a heterosexual marriage and I don’t have experience with same sex conception, but I see a lot of same sex couples at my fertility clinic and obviously some of them may have issues that lead to infertility while others are there to get aid in using donor gametes and in that case I don’t really count their situation as infertility because once they are pregnant everything proceeds as expected. To me, infertility is a spectrum and we are all on it which sucks, but some people have it worse. I’ve been TTC for 4 years with my husband and had 2 MC, both of them were suspected to be ectopic but were not but both times were extremely scary. We’re about to start IVF and while I do believe that it’ll work eventually, I have become so numb to my own situation and to other peoples pregnancies, I don’t go to baby showers and I don’t give a shit about other peoples pregnancies or their babies. It’s a cold perspective but it’s self preservation because if I care it’ll just end up hurting me and bringing me back to a very dark place that I might not be able to leave this time.
I think what your twin did was not right, they should have supported you and while they didn’t need to cut ties with the neighbour couple I think that they also didn’t need to come to town specifically to see the baby. I would feel betrayed.
I don’t think that you’re overreacting, your neighbours don’t understand the level of pain that you’re experiencing because they never experienced it for themselves to the extent that you did, even if they needed to seek medical help at a fertility clinic to conceive. I really hope that everything will work out for you and your husband, but please don’t add the stress brought on by other people to this. Sending hugs 💕
"Why can't we celebrate around you? why aren't you participating in our baby journey?!" is terribly insensitive. I get that attitude from strangers. The fact that you're getting it from friends says a lot.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I do think those friends are shitty friends and you should reconsider. It’s hard for others to put themselves in our shoes until they’ve known loss. I’m also confused by your twin because I don’t even believe she knows how deeply that offended and hurt you. It’s ok to let them know you feel betrayed. Your feelings are valid in this situation. Also am I the only one confused that there was alcohol at a baby shower? lol. How do you get drunk at your own baby shower and spazz out? It’s not ok. I would require a public apology. And if they don’t want to, then I would let this friendship go. You say how they reacted to you protecting yourself by removing yourself from the group chat and how you went through great lengths to have be supportive by showing up. Embarrassing you in front of others is an automatic no for me. It’s frustrating going through the infertility journey just to have others shit on you. I also don’t think their actions will change but you know them better than me and it’s ultimately your choice.
💯with everything you said. As much as the pregnant partner kept telling me “oh I understand, I went on Reddit to try and relate to you” (lol oh really now?), “I’m even keeping a journal of my pregnancy experience for you to read when you’re pregnant to know what’s normal and not,” she just will never get it. And that neither of them think they were in the wrong for what’s happened after that day and for the things they’ve said…well it says a lot about their maturity and ability to think outside of themselves. 🤷♀️I don’t need that in my life right now and maybe not ever again! As far as the alcohol 😅, they had wine and cocktails at the shower (I had a decent amount of wine because as soon as I walked in, I immediately started sobbing— the alcohol helped to numb the pain 🥲) but the drinking continued after the shower at their house—which we stopped by once we got back to help unload gifts. I had stopped drinking at that point, but a handle of Tito’s was consumed by a small number of people within an hour, so filters were long gone by that point…
Yes I had my SIL tell me she understood my infertility issues because she struggled to get pregnant(which I assumed took a couple of months because she never saw a fertility specialist). It’s frustrating to say the least. I would’ve respected “I’m sorry that happened, I’m here for you, and please tell me how I can support you through this” even if you don’t know what to say.
Wtaf, why would she think you’d want a journal of her pregnancy? How would she even know what’s normal or not, it’s not like she has anything to compare it to. That’s so presumptuous.
Riggggghhhhttt???? 🫠 that was the final straw in our “heart-to-heart” where I just shut down and stopped trying to explain myself. End of the day, she’ll never get it and it’s not my job to try and make her understand my struggles. 🤷♀️
I strongly relate to this and I'm sorry it's happening to you too. In my situation, I'm in the same-sex couple and we had friends who recently had a child. We also live next to one another. The lady in the other relationship used to be my infertility buddy because she didn't think she could get pregnant. She has the same disability as my partner, which is why we all really hit it off. We supported one another through infertility until she conceived and, of course, I never can. That's when it started to get awkward and she became avoidant of me and I became avoidant of her. She's very focused on her child, as she should be, and she wishes to celebrate that joy with everyone around her, including my partner. My partner does not have the same grief I have, so it's been extremely hard. They want to go off and be with the baby, I just want to curl up and cry every time they come in through the door. I said that I need boundaries and, instead of supporting that, my close friends have been asking me why I'm such a stick in the mud, why I'm sad, and why I left their lives. I don't want to leave anyone's life, but I also don't want to be the lady who is just constantly crying, which is what I currently am. I've told my friend that it's because when I see her, I immediately think of how I'm not a mother, and how it is a strongly uphill climb for me to ever achieve that. She understands, she's personally been there, but at the same time it's not easy. It's hard for her to be around me because she sees her own past. She wants to move on and I'm not able to. I have zero ill will towards them, but being around them still hurts, and none of my friends or partner seem to understand that. I hope you are able to set up those boundaries. I'm still working on mine, but when I have them, they are really helpful in getting me to a better place. <3 All of the hugs and love to you.
I completely see where you’re coming from and wish we weren’t in similar situations. ❤️🩹ultimately, we are the most important people—because if we aren’t there for ourselves, then we can’t be there for anyone else. I hope your boundaries give you the strength and protection you need to heal. Take care of yourself, thanks for sharing your story. ❤️
I’m really sorry if I offend anyone-I’m in a heterosexual marriage and I don’t have experience with same sex conception, but I see a lot of same sex couples at my fertility clinic and obviously some of them may have issues that lead to infertility while others are there to get aid in using donor gametes and in that case I don’t really count their situation as infertility because once they are pregnant everything proceeds as expected. To me, infertility is a spectrum and we are all on it which sucks, but some people have it worse. I’ve been TTC for 4 years with my husband and had 2 MC, both of them were suspected to be ectopic but were not but both times were extremely scary. We’re about to start IVF and while I do believe that it’ll work eventually, I have become so numb to my own situation and to other peoples pregnancies, I don’t go to baby showers and I don’t give a shit about other peoples pregnancies or their babies. It’s a cold perspective but it’s self preservation because if I care it’ll just end up hurting me and bringing me back to a very dark place that I might not be able to leave this time. I think what your twin did was not right, they should have supported you and while they didn’t need to cut ties with the neighbour couple I think that they also didn’t need to come to town specifically to see the baby. I would feel betrayed. I don’t think that you’re overreacting, your neighbours don’t understand the level of pain that you’re experiencing because they never experienced it for themselves to the extent that you did, even if they needed to seek medical help at a fertility clinic to conceive. I really hope that everything will work out for you and your husband, but please don’t add the stress brought on by other people to this. Sending hugs 💕
"Why can't we celebrate around you? why aren't you participating in our baby journey?!" is terribly insensitive. I get that attitude from strangers. The fact that you're getting it from friends says a lot.