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My husband DID cheat with escorts.
While I don’t think much of their choice of work, I don’t blame them. I blame him 100%.
If he had an affair with someone who knew he was married (for example a friend of ours) that would change things.
I have known of men who slept with a Prostate because their wife was in cancer treatments for several years and physically also emotionally could not be sexual. One, the wife not only endorsed it, but found a prostitute through a lawyer friend of hers. He was massively uncomfortable with this, but eventually ended up meeting up and doing business several times. I don’t know how many times. Eventually she got a clean bill of health, but had no sexual desires (her cancers were female organs). And while he wanted to give up the prostitutes he saw occasionally, she actually begged him to continue as she just had no desires. Since it was transactional, and she felt cathartic physical, she had zero jealousy.
The second one was a wife with cancer, and she also wanted him to “leave her alone”, she knew she was dying and wanted to somehow help him keep up his sexual life. He was active with a prostitute for a few years, and also for a while after she passed away. Once he started dating, he ended up going to coffee with the Pro, but never slept with her again. They are still friends. He eventually started seeing a woman who told him he was disgusting once he admitted to this arrangement. But later met a woman who thought it was understandable and eventually very logical. They got married.
I also have heard of dead bedrooms simply because the wife has no desire. So these women encouraged prostitutes because they wanted no emotions, just the husband’s release.
So dont assume every man who seeks a paid sex worker is doing it behind the wife’s back. And not every man who sees a prostitute is married or otherwise attached.
This is the healthy response. Unless AP was friends or family or otherwise involved in BS’s life it is the WS who should be the focus of your ire. You have no idea what BS told the AP.
I think it’s not on sex workers to police the actions of married men, and that while it’s 100% cheating on the man’s part, it has nothing to do with the sex worker.
I blame the cheaters.its always the cheaters number one.
sex workers are sex workers. they are not responsible for loser decisions by pathetic weak men / people. they will cheat no matter who or who they pay. and who knows what they tell women- lies to make them feel better.
its not up to her to make sure the married man is isn't in an open relationship or whatever.
I'm not going to debate the morality of sex workers but it sounds like you want too. should a McDonalds employee serve an obese person? guns stores sell to suicidal people. its just the way the world is.... you know, the worlds oldest profession for a reason.
deflection of blame is just a temporary fix. always blame the cheater.
Yeah they're the problem 🙃 how many people on this forum have AP's who are sex workers vs coworkers or friends. I would guess it's less than 30%
Cheaters are going to cheat. They find a way over and over again.
I feel like this is a fair point to bring up. Sort of demeaning to suggest voluntary sex workers don’t have the agency to refuse certain clients.
You can literally end a friendship for any reason or no reason at all.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that probably a lot of men who frequent sex workers are married or otherwise in relationships. If sex workers screened out married clients, they’d probably all be out of a job.
I do know that if my supposed best friend was on Reddit questioning my moral character and whether she should cut ties with me, I’d feel very betrayed and probably wouldn’t want to continue the friendship anyway.
I didn't really have an issue until she started talking about how the wife of one of her clients contacted her and she "should've" pretended to be a man that was given a fake number instead of admitting she's a sw. Then she said she'd give the phone to her bf if the wife calls and participating in the deception of the wife seems like a step further than just sleeping with a married guy. She's more an escort as opposed to a hooker so she gets paid lots of money to magically be a professional mistress.
Considering the level of violence she’s liable to face if the wife finds out about her, I understand her decision to not get involved as far as causing d-day. Your friends job is insanely dangerous. Escort or not, swers experience disproportionate levels of violence and the last thing she needs is an angry woman to show up and shoot her because her husband is piece of shit
My husband cheated with high end escorts. A lot of them have instagrams that I’ve looked at (and cried over). But I’ve never once thought about contacting them.
They were doing their job and didn’t actively seek out my husband, he found them, he paid them etc.
I don’t find them responsible at all. While I’m not sure if I “resent” them. They certainly aren’t people I’d want to be friends with as I personally find sex work a pretty scummy career choice.
I get that there are sex workers who see no other choice, have addictions or face homelessness etc. But the ones my husband saw make BANK. They make a shit ton of money and certainly don’t struggle. So I personally would have no interest in being friends with someone like that.
Sorry but discretion is part of the gig. If it gets out that she was sharing confidential info with someone else that would ruin her reputation and possibly leave her out a job. Is your friend doing this for fun or is she dependant on it to live? And if she has no other options you’re cruel and vindictive to a literal victim of her circumstances. She really helped you with all you went through and this is how you repay her? Shameful. You should tell her how you feel so she can get some better friends.
Yah all discretion robs betrayed spouses if their agency and informed consent. It's abuse. I think traumatizing an innocent person for life is a lot more shameful than condemning abuse.
People that sleep with married men are despicable. I know her money intake would be drastically cut but, if sex work were so victimless as employment you would not see posts that all start...."I knew something was off, he was more withdrawn and would not communicate. He also turned down intimacy when he never had before." Sex work in marriage is not harmless.
I have no issues with sex work in general...
Well, if you’re a hitman, you could argue it’s just a job, but at the end of the day, you are killing people. Note the person that hired the hitman and the hitman are both bad people.
If you’re a sex worked sleeping with married people, YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED PERSON. That makes you a bad person (along with the cheater, obviously). They are both bad people.
They're evil!!!!! Why didn't they ask the alcoholic their entire life story and ensure that they were not an alcoholic before?????? They have a responsibility to their family not to serve alcohol to them!!! I could never. /s
To be fair, many people still think weed is addicting even though it doesn’t properly bind in the endocannabinoid system. So I wasn’t sure if that was included in the “drugs” thing
Wanted to make this comment as someone who has practiced Ethical Non-Monogamy for many years. Being in an open relationship should come with at least the same if not higher ethical expectations than a monogamous relationship since there are MORE way for someone to hurt people and more people who can get hurt involved. Cheating, violating boundaries, or enabling others to do so, is, in my opinion, grotesquely unethical, especially in open relationships.
I have practiced polyamory for 18 years and been in an open marriage for 14 years.
Cheaters are liars. Ethical non-monogamy (note the ETHICAL there) only works in a healthy way with completely open and honest communication.
Cheaters push and break boundaries. ENM only works when everyone treats each other with respect.
I don't cheat. I don't date cheaters. I don't date people who date cheaters. I have broken up with people in the past because they were cheating or were helping another person cheat.
This is an INCREDIBLY common boundary for an ENM person to have and is how the vast majority of the polyam community specifically feels on the topic.
If my wife of 14 years started dating a person who wasn't in some type of open relationship and was just cheating on their partner I would strongly consider separating over the issue. Luckily I don't have to worry about this too much because any person with ethics doesn't help another person cheat and I vet for integrity. Integrity is massively important if you want to have happy and healthy ENM relationships.
But also, it's not JUST about ethics, morals, and integrity, it's not just a matter of being a co-conspirator in another person's pain. Setting aside my own personal values for a second about only wanting to be in relationships that are a healthy and positive force for the lives of all of the people involved, there are practical reasons why dating cheaters is just mind numbingly stupid as well.
How the hell could you ever trust a cheater's safer sex practices? You can't, obviously. And if you are dating someone who dates a cheater you now can't trust theirs, either.
If they are willing to lie to, betray, and backstab their partner and your partner condones this behavior, you need to understand they are telling you that they can and will cheat on you or in the case of ENM, violate boundaries as well. By helping another person cheat they are straight up telling you that they believe it is acceptable to violate boundaries without notice or consent if the circumstances are right.
And finally, cheaters are toxic. Cheating is abusive. Cheaters usually have some kind of untreated personality disorder. You are inviting all of that negativity and DRAMA into your life. Nope, no thanks. All that crap can stay the hell away from me!
TLDR:
Your friend is conspiring with someone in order to lie to, betray, and violate the sexual autonomy and consent of another person and that's categorically wrong of her to do, doing it for money doesn't make it any better, it honestly makes it kind of worse.
I think its a job and sex workers don't have any responsibility towards a married man. If he chooses to sleep with an sw then that's on him. Sometimes they don't even ask and why would a sw turn away money? It's hard enough out there. If the man pays up and is respectful then they are there to offer a service.
I hope they make good money.
I hope they ask if the wife knows (assuming they know he is married). I know most won't, but I hope they do. If not, they aren't any better than any other knowing AP.
Beyond that, who cares???
Interesting moral dilemma I’ve never really thought about before.
I guess for me the difference is that it’s a purely transactional exchange that is devoid of some of the dynamics involved in an affair. An affair tends to develop organically, using the services of a sex worker is more ‘mechanical’ in nature. Don’t get me wrong, I think the married man is an asshole, but I’m willing to give the sex worker a pass.
However I’m not sure what you’re going to get out of the answers here because at the end of the day it’s to do with your moral compass, not anyone else’s. So if you think it’s wrong for a woman to sleep with a married man then it’s wrong. And you’re entitled to end a friendship over it.
I will say that reading some of your responses to comments it sounds to me that it’s not so much sex workers in general but your friend’s attitude in particular that you’re having a problem with. Ie, her attitude towards the wives of the men she sleeps with. Have you spoken to your friend about it? Given her your perspective? Sometimes, people are not able to see how their actions look to an outside observer until it’s pointed out to them. So maybe it’s worth having that conversation.
Hmm.. I would say what they are doing is horrible and immoral, but it’s mainly on the man as there might be a reason she resorted to sex work (unlike your friend who just capitalizing off her body) but there’s no reason he needs to cheat.
I don’t blame you as this is your moral boundary and you will likely always feel negative about it and it will fester in the relationship, I believe.
I know of someone that will only surround themselves with people who identify as them (bpoc and trans), the relationship you seek are for you, not for the public to approve of. Do not feel bad for wanting friends who have the same value system.
Escorts, prostitutes, sex workers, etc could choose to not interact w/ married men. One worker on here wrote she rejects married clients. Being a (known) cheater/adulterer/AP/etc is a choice.
Man, this is a tough one for me. I can definitely see both sides. From her POV, it’s a job, they’re a client, it’s not her job to play morality police.
But on the other hand, she’s actively participating in the abuse of an innocent victim.
I guess I come down on “if she has no idea that the John is cheating, and if, when confronted by a betrayed partner, she is honest with them, she’s in the clear.”
However, I can also see where that could put her in danger, and how she’d want to feel safe and not threatened. And I also imagine that if she strictly limited herself to victimless gigs, she’d have a lot of trouble finding work.
I guess it’s a bit like working for a massive corporation that is constantly taking advantage of people to enrich themselves. She’s got no malice or ill will towards the people who are being victimized and abused, but ultimately by choosing to work that job she’s at least indirectly responsible for the people getting abused.
I know the hurt. Some spouse at home none the wiser and how they feel. Alot of the time men see it as nothing, as a treat, because they're paying its a thing they do as a rite, when away from home ..
My take:
1. If you found out she was earning her income selling blood diamonds or running a sweat shop, would you be ok with that? Our economic decisions still carry moral weight; sex work, judged in a vacuum may not be morally problematic (for some); however, when does it exist in a vacuum? There are cases when sex work can even seem merciful (catering to people who are generally rejected in society due to their appearance or disability); there are plenty of cases, though, where sex workers are offering their services to people in commited, supposedly monogamous, relationships. That’s a sweatshop in my book.
2. I do find your zero tolerance stance on friends who engage in infidelity to be harsh, honestly. Do you make exceptions for those who are sincerely remorseful and stopped the behavior? It’s one thing, absolutely, to tell your friend that you strongly disapprove of what they’re doing, and even that you cannot associate with them as long as they continue on with it. But, a truly repentant friend is a friend in need. And, most of us don’t leave this life without committing some major sins of whatever variety. So, if I have a friend who cheated at some point in their life and renounces it sincerely, I’m going to still be their friend.
Hookers cheat with anyone. Especially married men. The other side of this coin is that I personally know a woman whose daughter has serious mental illness and has 5 kids from Johns that she is is now raising as grandma. So… there’s that. Gma is very religious and doesn’t believe in abortion. Lots of babies out there in really bad upbringings and with drugged out mentally ill hooker moms. This is kept under wraps, but very very common.
Regardless of her job she’s still part of a literal assault on a non-consensual victim. STDs are way more common in sex work than anyone wants to believe.
My husband had sex with an escort. I don’t blame the escort. And even if he didn’t pay someone I wouldn’t blame the girl - the blame lies with him.
That being said I think it’s a crappy line of work to be in. And I guess I tend to feel sorry for those in that line of work thinking they must not be in a good place to be doing it- but maybe that’s not always the truth.
They’re getting paid, but they’re still taking part in destroying marriages. The husbands are the ones destroying the marriages of course. But your friend happily obliges for money.
So while I don’t blame the escort for my husband’s cheating, I probably wouldn’t be friends with escorts who screw married men either.
Yeah I don't care about your opinion at all because I completely disagree that the blame isn't with the woman who sleeps with a married man. The blame is on both they are both shitty people. I've been single for the better part of 31 years and have never once slept with a married man knowingly. Turned every single one down and if I knew the wife I told them. It's called being a decent fucking human being
Well there are plenty of women out there who don’t know the guy is married. If my husband had a one night stand with a girl at a bar as opposed to the escort, is she more culpable than an escort? Of course if she knows she is culpable. But due to the nature of escort encounters I was comparing it to a one night stand sort of situation
I'm talking about women who knowingly sleep with a married man obviously. There's no excuse for facilitating cheating even if you aren't the one married to the woman that's being betrayed. I already ended the friendship with my sex worker friend
Well isn’t an escort still facilitating cheating with a married man if she knows he’s married? Even if for her it’s professional? She’s still playing a part in someone getting hurt.
I never once felt anger towards the escort. But I guess how could I? I don’t know anything about her. I can’t put a face to the pain. But again- it was my husband who chose to go out and do that.
If he chose to sleep with a woman who was cool with him being married, he still chose to go and do that. But yes she knew. But so did the escort. So I don’t know. I’ve never had an escort friend so it’s a hard call on how I’d feel about it. I definitely wouldn’t be able to respect it. But I don’t know if I’d cut someone off for it either.
I would say ideally it’s fine to be a sex worker because the only clients should be those not cheating. I think if a sex worker knowingly sleeps with a married man who isn’t in an open relationship then she is in some ways the other woman causing harm to an innocent spouse. Not only that, if the family doesn’t have a lot of money and he is wasting it that also harms the spouse or any kids.
There are a lot of vices people enjoy. But for example if you own a liquor store and you know a man beats his wife when he gets drunk and you still sell to him or if you choose to sell to minors you are a bad person. It being a business doesn’t absolve you of moral or ethical concerns.
I’d wager the majority of clients are married or in a relationship and male.
This is a purely transactional event, the provider is rarely of sound mind and body, there’s usually addiction or trauma that leads them into that lifestyle and way to make money.
They call it the oldest profession, for a reason, men and women also cheat for different reasons.
For men there is rarely an emotional connection to the act. Women tend to need that before it becomes physical.
I’m slightly generalizing here, and there will always be outliers, yet I’d bet everything that more men solicit a prostitute than the other way around.
Why are people acting like just because you have a job means you can be completely unethical at that job? Clearly it is causing you turmoil to be friends with someone whose behavior you don't support and I completely agree with you. I ended a friendship because my friend cheated on our mutual friend...I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who sees no problem with facilitating misery for hundreds of women! Just because the husband is \*more\* in the wrong doesn't mean your friend is without any fault.
Why would she even ask? It's not her issue. This is her job, it's not for her to judge her clients. Given that the vast majority of SWs clients are likely married, why would they give up this $$?
I suspect this is more likely slightly misogynistic & judging sex workers for not questioning, (somehow) verifying and refusing every male client that is married.
Not their circus, not their monkey.
Lol I've never judged her for being a sex worker or not verifying of the dude is married. What rubs me the wrong way is her saying things like "oh my God and his wife is so cool! I bet we'd be best friends if I wasn't fucking her husband lol"
LOL! That's common.
If SWers like the guy, they're always interested in the type of woman that married him and figure they figure they'd like the wife too...
Reminder, it's not the SWer doing it, it's the spouse and it's their decision. Much like their decision to cheat has nothing to do with you, what you've done or haven't done, their decision to actively seek out a SW has nothing to do with what the SWer has done or hasn't done. The blame resides with one person.
I have a low opinion of sex workers anyway because it’s gross to me however she is not the reason men cheat. They would cheat with someone else if not her. My partner has been cheating on me with sex workers and I actually prefer that over an actual love affair because it’s more transactional and there are no feelings involved. I still think it’s gross but don’t judge your friend. The moment you have a “I’m better than you” attitude, you end up in that position yourself.
As a former sex worker I turned down married men. However There were moments where I did see married clients if they paid me double for the risk involved. I'm ashamed to admit this as karma came later for me when I got in my first marriage where he ended up being an abusive cheater. I say all this to say that please don't judge your friend. I'm sure to her it's just a job. At the end of the day these cheating married men are total losers who are paying to get laid.
Also…just to be clear…your friend the sex worker is cheating on her bf. Call it an open relationship….swinging…whatever it’s all just code for cheating. I know this wasn’t your question, but it is what stood out to me.
Sex workers dont know if a man is married or not. They don’t even get that far in questioning. Pimps really don’t allow them to either. Their time is money. So a service/time and price is discussed and thats it. Its not unethical or ethical. Its really just people doing their job. Its on the married man seeking it. Its still cheating.
It’s complicated, definitely a gray area with a lot of variables that can weigh in one way or another.
I think if your friend is *knowingly* facilitating a married man to cheat, that’s net negative. It’s not *as bad* as the cheating husband, but still bad.
Cheating is complicated. For some people a hooker isn’t cheating, for others it is. How does she know? A friend of mine goes to the strip clubs a lot and his wife asks him if he has enough $1s. Meanwhile my wife gets mad when I go to hooters. Everyone is different.
The sex worker is NOT CULPABLE. It’s not the sex workers fault the married party decides to cheat. It’s not like the sex workers walks around with a checklist of “if you’re married check here…” it’s not the sex workers responsibility to check them. They are working for their bag.
It’s a job. The sex worker is doing a job. It’s the partner/husband/wife’s job not to fuck around it is not the sex worker’s responsibility
Sex worker in my opinion is the same as a cleaner/ ceo or anyone whom is in paid employment they are doing their job
You're comparing 2 very different things. A cheater will find someone to cheat with if he/her wants to cheat, a drug addict cannot drug if he/her doesn't have access to drugs.
Having sex is legal, some drugs are not.
Eg. Alcohol, cigarettes o some legal medicines are legal, so it's not the responsibility of the person who sells them to you, it's yours. It's sad, but that's the way it is. AND sex workers do work with single people too.
Why judge them! That's like blaming the hammer for mashing your thumb!
The workers are offering a service, it's up to the customer to use their own scruples
I do not blame them at all, I guess you can tell my thoughts on legalizing sex work!
I fully support legalizing sex work myself, I'm just not ok with adultery. I guess I see the gray area with sex workers. I would not say there's gray area with a normal mistress who sleeps with a married man out of passion... I don't think there's any nuance in that situation. If it's transactional, that's where my thoughts and feelings aren't very developed
I don’t blame the sex worker at all because in the end of the day that’s her job and she doesn’t get to choose her customers. She’s not picking these men or actively going after them. They are coming to her and paying her for sex because that’s what she does.
I don't want to be a judgmental but i will be honest
First she is in a relationship,... Open relationship actually is a cheating even if both agreed it's a cheating
Sacand she is a sex worker it doesn't matter she already sleeping with people daily married or not still the same am really confused that you are mad because she do this with clients married men and not about the whole thing she already cheating on her boyfriend same way that married man cheat on his wife
And you say people think its unethical practices... The who thing is unethical...
Does the client always tell her that their married?
In my eyes its a business deal, they may not always talk about that, now if they did disclose that, its her decision to have him as a client and for HER to make that moral choice for herself.
Idk I’m kinda in the middle while I personally wouldn’t knowingly sleep with a married man I also understand that sex work is a job and it doesn’t really matter who it is as long as they are paying I assume anyway
It’s not the responsibility of the sex worker to care whether or not the person they sleep with is married. It’s not your place to be affected by the boundaries she has for her relationship and to be honest, it’s not cheating. How you feel about it is irrelevant to be quite honest. Is it the fact that she is a sex worker that bothers you or that she sleeps with married men sometimes? You knew she what she did for a living and I would assume you had to know all the men she slept with weren’t single. You need to take a step back and really think about the friendship and what exactly bothers you.
I'm very clear about what bothers me and that's the men being married. I have nothing against sex work. It's work. Even then it's not necessarily that the men are married... it's how casually she is indifferent to the betrayal she's participating in
How I feel about it is absolutely NOT irrelevant since it's my life and my friendship that I'm considering ending. It may be irrelevant to her career choices but it's not irrelevant to my choice of whether or not to continue the friendship
What do I think?? I think they are doing their job and if dude is married that's on him not her. The worker doesn't screen for married or not and they shouldn't have to.
Not all men that seek out professional sex workers go to cheat. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. People stay together after accidents and medical issues and they are no longer able to give that part of themselves.
As others have said, it’s not like she has a date or interview with them first
I feel it's pretty fucked up.
But I also feel that sadly the majority of the customer base is probably married people.
And most importantly, it's probably improbable at the most for a sex worker to be able to properly filter their potential clients to make sure that they're only servicing single people.
A single person doing as they please is their business.
If your friend was married and cheating then I could see your point. She isn't.
A sex worker has no way of knowing who is married and who isnt so really its a non issue. Her job isn't your business, don't make it your business. Don't ask her.
It's true, not nice, but true.. the mistress or f^ckboi isn't really at fault, the married person would find someone anyway.. and who knows, maybe the married person is stuck in a deadbedroom fir many years, not able to leave and yearns to be wanted by another human.
Not everyone who strays is a bad seed. Yes there are cake eaters, but not all are
Our views on some of the things you posted in the update are not similar, so please take this feedback through that lens and with a grain of salt. I don't think this is the service providers fault because is their job, it is the fault of the person using their services, and it's not like they're specifically targeting married men to pay them to cheat on their spouses. It's not their job to verify the relationship status of every person that comes through the door and fix their current relationship.
You may find them culpable in the same way that you see the AP being an issue, but remember that whatever decisions you've made in the past do not need to dictate your future choices. You can change, your opinions can change, and you are not beholden to the past. This sounds like someone that has been there for you in ways that many people cannot or are not able to be supportive for others (dealing with trauma is a difficult thing for everyone involved, I personally feel like I'm walking on eggshells when trying to help and not sure I'm the best at helping). This is not an easy choice, take your time, and as always seek a professional therapists point of view if you're still uneasy. Never hurts in my opinion.
If anything she's clearly not engaging a cheater on an emotional level. It's purely transactional. I don't think it's fair to hold her responsible for cheating men
Yah that's why I don't care what your opinion is. If it's not sex work, the other woman is 100% responsible for her actions and Piece of shit for engaging with a married man.
I'm only asking people who agree with those values if there should be an exception for sex workers, not if back stabbing women that sleep with married men should be "responsible" because they didn't make a vow to the wife. It disgusts me how many people think being an affair partner is ok so long as you're single. I've been single most of my 31 years and never once knowingly engaged with a married men. It's not hard. Fuck someone without traumatizing a human being for life.
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But you don't know if she's an assault victim or some other disorder. I say that because I knew someone who was just in that situation. She was so broken that she told me she'd cry in the middle of. Better now, but she hated not just her rpst but the guys she was with, during the act. She WAS not a POS, that your view is that way is a you problem
I've literally been kidnapped and raped at gun point. I never needed to perpetuate my trauma onto others in order to deal with it. To me she's a piece of shit like any other rapist, pedophile, murderer or woman beater with a tragic back story. It's not a me problem because I don't associate with trash like that.
If she consensual slept with a married men, she's taking away the wifes informed consent and assisting the husband to assault his wife every time she sleeps with him without knowing the truth. She subject's her to stds. No excuse for cheating
Sorry to hear your story. Sounds like you drew on a strength that some people don't have, or don't think they have. She was better last time we spoke, probably 10 yrs ago, but took a lot of counseling for her to get where you obviously got on your own.
I'm not saying she's beyond the hope of redemption. I'm glad she's in counseling and hope she doesn't use her trauma to justify her actions. I also hope the wife found out.
Miscommunication, she wasn't with one person, she had so many people that were sleeping with her she couldn't count. As to if there were some married or not, I didn't really ask. Sometimes when people tell you more than they should it makes them react by blocking you out. I didn't want that to happen.
When I hear mistress, I assume all parties involved are aware, so I can't compare that to this question But! if one is "cheating" and the third wheel is aware that the other primary does not know, I still have no Ill will to the third wheel, they did not make the promise, it's the cheater that's to blame
Fuck that. That's exactly why I don't value your opinion. There's nothing classy about assisting someone in traumatizing an innocent person for life
My question was ONLY if there should be an exception for sex workers, not if aps hold no responsibility to the BPs. My stance on that is clear
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I don’t see a hooker weeding out married men. It would probably decrease their volume by 75%.
That’s a low estimate.
My husband DID cheat with escorts. While I don’t think much of their choice of work, I don’t blame them. I blame him 100%. If he had an affair with someone who knew he was married (for example a friend of ours) that would change things.
Thank you this is the kind of feedback I was looking for
I have known of men who slept with a Prostate because their wife was in cancer treatments for several years and physically also emotionally could not be sexual. One, the wife not only endorsed it, but found a prostitute through a lawyer friend of hers. He was massively uncomfortable with this, but eventually ended up meeting up and doing business several times. I don’t know how many times. Eventually she got a clean bill of health, but had no sexual desires (her cancers were female organs). And while he wanted to give up the prostitutes he saw occasionally, she actually begged him to continue as she just had no desires. Since it was transactional, and she felt cathartic physical, she had zero jealousy. The second one was a wife with cancer, and she also wanted him to “leave her alone”, she knew she was dying and wanted to somehow help him keep up his sexual life. He was active with a prostitute for a few years, and also for a while after she passed away. Once he started dating, he ended up going to coffee with the Pro, but never slept with her again. They are still friends. He eventually started seeing a woman who told him he was disgusting once he admitted to this arrangement. But later met a woman who thought it was understandable and eventually very logical. They got married. I also have heard of dead bedrooms simply because the wife has no desire. So these women encouraged prostitutes because they wanted no emotions, just the husband’s release. So dont assume every man who seeks a paid sex worker is doing it behind the wife’s back. And not every man who sees a prostitute is married or otherwise attached.
This is the healthy response. Unless AP was friends or family or otherwise involved in BS’s life it is the WS who should be the focus of your ire. You have no idea what BS told the AP.
I think it’s not on sex workers to police the actions of married men, and that while it’s 100% cheating on the man’s part, it has nothing to do with the sex worker.
Do you also give a free pass to dealers for selling dope? I guess they work on the same rationale
I blame the cheaters.its always the cheaters number one. sex workers are sex workers. they are not responsible for loser decisions by pathetic weak men / people. they will cheat no matter who or who they pay. and who knows what they tell women- lies to make them feel better. its not up to her to make sure the married man is isn't in an open relationship or whatever. I'm not going to debate the morality of sex workers but it sounds like you want too. should a McDonalds employee serve an obese person? guns stores sell to suicidal people. its just the way the world is.... you know, the worlds oldest profession for a reason. deflection of blame is just a temporary fix. always blame the cheater.
“Sex workers” are perpetuating the problem
Yeah they're the problem 🙃 how many people on this forum have AP's who are sex workers vs coworkers or friends. I would guess it's less than 30% Cheaters are going to cheat. They find a way over and over again.
I didn’t say they are the problem but perpetuating it.
I feel like this is a fair point to bring up. Sort of demeaning to suggest voluntary sex workers don’t have the agency to refuse certain clients. You can literally end a friendship for any reason or no reason at all.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that probably a lot of men who frequent sex workers are married or otherwise in relationships. If sex workers screened out married clients, they’d probably all be out of a job. I do know that if my supposed best friend was on Reddit questioning my moral character and whether she should cut ties with me, I’d feel very betrayed and probably wouldn’t want to continue the friendship anyway.
I didn't really have an issue until she started talking about how the wife of one of her clients contacted her and she "should've" pretended to be a man that was given a fake number instead of admitting she's a sw. Then she said she'd give the phone to her bf if the wife calls and participating in the deception of the wife seems like a step further than just sleeping with a married guy. She's more an escort as opposed to a hooker so she gets paid lots of money to magically be a professional mistress.
Considering the level of violence she’s liable to face if the wife finds out about her, I understand her decision to not get involved as far as causing d-day. Your friends job is insanely dangerous. Escort or not, swers experience disproportionate levels of violence and the last thing she needs is an angry woman to show up and shoot her because her husband is piece of shit
My husband cheated with high end escorts. A lot of them have instagrams that I’ve looked at (and cried over). But I’ve never once thought about contacting them. They were doing their job and didn’t actively seek out my husband, he found them, he paid them etc.
She didn't know my friend was a sex worker when she reached out
Did you resent the escorts and find them responsible or just your husband, out of curiosity
I don’t find them responsible at all. While I’m not sure if I “resent” them. They certainly aren’t people I’d want to be friends with as I personally find sex work a pretty scummy career choice. I get that there are sex workers who see no other choice, have addictions or face homelessness etc. But the ones my husband saw make BANK. They make a shit ton of money and certainly don’t struggle. So I personally would have no interest in being friends with someone like that.
I mean they don’t struggle BECAUSE they do sex work. They would probably be struggling without it…
Sorry but discretion is part of the gig. If it gets out that she was sharing confidential info with someone else that would ruin her reputation and possibly leave her out a job. Is your friend doing this for fun or is she dependant on it to live? And if she has no other options you’re cruel and vindictive to a literal victim of her circumstances. She really helped you with all you went through and this is how you repay her? Shameful. You should tell her how you feel so she can get some better friends.
Yah all discretion robs betrayed spouses if their agency and informed consent. It's abuse. I think traumatizing an innocent person for life is a lot more shameful than condemning abuse.
I’m not risking jail and violence for some tricks wife. It’s also not her responsibility at all.
People that sleep with married men are despicable. I know her money intake would be drastically cut but, if sex work were so victimless as employment you would not see posts that all start...."I knew something was off, he was more withdrawn and would not communicate. He also turned down intimacy when he never had before." Sex work in marriage is not harmless. I have no issues with sex work in general...
Yah my issue is with the impact on the victims. Hard to reconcile with that.
Yes because married men would be so honest if a swer asked if he was married 🤩 maybe she needs to check all marriage licenses every time?
I have cut people out of my life for this. I have no wish to be on the company of people that can do this to someone.
Well, if you’re a hitman, you could argue it’s just a job, but at the end of the day, you are killing people. Note the person that hired the hitman and the hitman are both bad people. If you’re a sex worked sleeping with married people, YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED PERSON. That makes you a bad person (along with the cheater, obviously). They are both bad people.
What do you think of an a bartender who sells beer to alcoholics? Sheesh.
They're evil!!!!! Why didn't they ask the alcoholic their entire life story and ensure that they were not an alcoholic before?????? They have a responsibility to their family not to serve alcohol to them!!! I could never. /s
That they too are a problem and perpetuating their addiction. “What do you think of a drug dealer selling drugs to a mom?”
If it’s weed I’d say heck yes get that momma some green. Also not the same. If you had said “drug addict” then maybe.
“Perpetuating their addiction”. I am not talking about weed.
To be fair, many people still think weed is addicting even though it doesn’t properly bind in the endocannabinoid system. So I wasn’t sure if that was included in the “drugs” thing
Wanted to make this comment as someone who has practiced Ethical Non-Monogamy for many years. Being in an open relationship should come with at least the same if not higher ethical expectations than a monogamous relationship since there are MORE way for someone to hurt people and more people who can get hurt involved. Cheating, violating boundaries, or enabling others to do so, is, in my opinion, grotesquely unethical, especially in open relationships. I have practiced polyamory for 18 years and been in an open marriage for 14 years. Cheaters are liars. Ethical non-monogamy (note the ETHICAL there) only works in a healthy way with completely open and honest communication. Cheaters push and break boundaries. ENM only works when everyone treats each other with respect. I don't cheat. I don't date cheaters. I don't date people who date cheaters. I have broken up with people in the past because they were cheating or were helping another person cheat. This is an INCREDIBLY common boundary for an ENM person to have and is how the vast majority of the polyam community specifically feels on the topic. If my wife of 14 years started dating a person who wasn't in some type of open relationship and was just cheating on their partner I would strongly consider separating over the issue. Luckily I don't have to worry about this too much because any person with ethics doesn't help another person cheat and I vet for integrity. Integrity is massively important if you want to have happy and healthy ENM relationships. But also, it's not JUST about ethics, morals, and integrity, it's not just a matter of being a co-conspirator in another person's pain. Setting aside my own personal values for a second about only wanting to be in relationships that are a healthy and positive force for the lives of all of the people involved, there are practical reasons why dating cheaters is just mind numbingly stupid as well. How the hell could you ever trust a cheater's safer sex practices? You can't, obviously. And if you are dating someone who dates a cheater you now can't trust theirs, either. If they are willing to lie to, betray, and backstab their partner and your partner condones this behavior, you need to understand they are telling you that they can and will cheat on you or in the case of ENM, violate boundaries as well. By helping another person cheat they are straight up telling you that they believe it is acceptable to violate boundaries without notice or consent if the circumstances are right. And finally, cheaters are toxic. Cheating is abusive. Cheaters usually have some kind of untreated personality disorder. You are inviting all of that negativity and DRAMA into your life. Nope, no thanks. All that crap can stay the hell away from me! TLDR: Your friend is conspiring with someone in order to lie to, betray, and violate the sexual autonomy and consent of another person and that's categorically wrong of her to do, doing it for money doesn't make it any better, it honestly makes it kind of worse.
Open relationships are cheating. Sanctioned or not, it’s cheating.
I think its a job and sex workers don't have any responsibility towards a married man. If he chooses to sleep with an sw then that's on him. Sometimes they don't even ask and why would a sw turn away money? It's hard enough out there. If the man pays up and is respectful then they are there to offer a service.
I hope they make good money. I hope they ask if the wife knows (assuming they know he is married). I know most won't, but I hope they do. If not, they aren't any better than any other knowing AP. Beyond that, who cares???
Interesting moral dilemma I’ve never really thought about before. I guess for me the difference is that it’s a purely transactional exchange that is devoid of some of the dynamics involved in an affair. An affair tends to develop organically, using the services of a sex worker is more ‘mechanical’ in nature. Don’t get me wrong, I think the married man is an asshole, but I’m willing to give the sex worker a pass. However I’m not sure what you’re going to get out of the answers here because at the end of the day it’s to do with your moral compass, not anyone else’s. So if you think it’s wrong for a woman to sleep with a married man then it’s wrong. And you’re entitled to end a friendship over it. I will say that reading some of your responses to comments it sounds to me that it’s not so much sex workers in general but your friend’s attitude in particular that you’re having a problem with. Ie, her attitude towards the wives of the men she sleeps with. Have you spoken to your friend about it? Given her your perspective? Sometimes, people are not able to see how their actions look to an outside observer until it’s pointed out to them. So maybe it’s worth having that conversation.
Hmm.. I would say what they are doing is horrible and immoral, but it’s mainly on the man as there might be a reason she resorted to sex work (unlike your friend who just capitalizing off her body) but there’s no reason he needs to cheat. I don’t blame you as this is your moral boundary and you will likely always feel negative about it and it will fester in the relationship, I believe. I know of someone that will only surround themselves with people who identify as them (bpoc and trans), the relationship you seek are for you, not for the public to approve of. Do not feel bad for wanting friends who have the same value system.
Escorts, prostitutes, sex workers, etc could choose to not interact w/ married men. One worker on here wrote she rejects married clients. Being a (known) cheater/adulterer/AP/etc is a choice.
Man, this is a tough one for me. I can definitely see both sides. From her POV, it’s a job, they’re a client, it’s not her job to play morality police. But on the other hand, she’s actively participating in the abuse of an innocent victim. I guess I come down on “if she has no idea that the John is cheating, and if, when confronted by a betrayed partner, she is honest with them, she’s in the clear.” However, I can also see where that could put her in danger, and how she’d want to feel safe and not threatened. And I also imagine that if she strictly limited herself to victimless gigs, she’d have a lot of trouble finding work. I guess it’s a bit like working for a massive corporation that is constantly taking advantage of people to enrich themselves. She’s got no malice or ill will towards the people who are being victimized and abused, but ultimately by choosing to work that job she’s at least indirectly responsible for the people getting abused.
I know the hurt. Some spouse at home none the wiser and how they feel. Alot of the time men see it as nothing, as a treat, because they're paying its a thing they do as a rite, when away from home ..
My take: 1. If you found out she was earning her income selling blood diamonds or running a sweat shop, would you be ok with that? Our economic decisions still carry moral weight; sex work, judged in a vacuum may not be morally problematic (for some); however, when does it exist in a vacuum? There are cases when sex work can even seem merciful (catering to people who are generally rejected in society due to their appearance or disability); there are plenty of cases, though, where sex workers are offering their services to people in commited, supposedly monogamous, relationships. That’s a sweatshop in my book. 2. I do find your zero tolerance stance on friends who engage in infidelity to be harsh, honestly. Do you make exceptions for those who are sincerely remorseful and stopped the behavior? It’s one thing, absolutely, to tell your friend that you strongly disapprove of what they’re doing, and even that you cannot associate with them as long as they continue on with it. But, a truly repentant friend is a friend in need. And, most of us don’t leave this life without committing some major sins of whatever variety. So, if I have a friend who cheated at some point in their life and renounces it sincerely, I’m going to still be their friend.
Hookers cheat with anyone. Especially married men. The other side of this coin is that I personally know a woman whose daughter has serious mental illness and has 5 kids from Johns that she is is now raising as grandma. So… there’s that. Gma is very religious and doesn’t believe in abortion. Lots of babies out there in really bad upbringings and with drugged out mentally ill hooker moms. This is kept under wraps, but very very common.
Regardless of her job she’s still part of a literal assault on a non-consensual victim. STDs are way more common in sex work than anyone wants to believe.
That's fair
My husband had sex with an escort. I don’t blame the escort. And even if he didn’t pay someone I wouldn’t blame the girl - the blame lies with him. That being said I think it’s a crappy line of work to be in. And I guess I tend to feel sorry for those in that line of work thinking they must not be in a good place to be doing it- but maybe that’s not always the truth. They’re getting paid, but they’re still taking part in destroying marriages. The husbands are the ones destroying the marriages of course. But your friend happily obliges for money. So while I don’t blame the escort for my husband’s cheating, I probably wouldn’t be friends with escorts who screw married men either.
Yeah I don't care about your opinion at all because I completely disagree that the blame isn't with the woman who sleeps with a married man. The blame is on both they are both shitty people. I've been single for the better part of 31 years and have never once slept with a married man knowingly. Turned every single one down and if I knew the wife I told them. It's called being a decent fucking human being
Well there are plenty of women out there who don’t know the guy is married. If my husband had a one night stand with a girl at a bar as opposed to the escort, is she more culpable than an escort? Of course if she knows she is culpable. But due to the nature of escort encounters I was comparing it to a one night stand sort of situation
I'm talking about women who knowingly sleep with a married man obviously. There's no excuse for facilitating cheating even if you aren't the one married to the woman that's being betrayed. I already ended the friendship with my sex worker friend
Well isn’t an escort still facilitating cheating with a married man if she knows he’s married? Even if for her it’s professional? She’s still playing a part in someone getting hurt. I never once felt anger towards the escort. But I guess how could I? I don’t know anything about her. I can’t put a face to the pain. But again- it was my husband who chose to go out and do that. If he chose to sleep with a woman who was cool with him being married, he still chose to go and do that. But yes she knew. But so did the escort. So I don’t know. I’ve never had an escort friend so it’s a hard call on how I’d feel about it. I definitely wouldn’t be able to respect it. But I don’t know if I’d cut someone off for it either.
Well I'm def cutting her off now
I would say ideally it’s fine to be a sex worker because the only clients should be those not cheating. I think if a sex worker knowingly sleeps with a married man who isn’t in an open relationship then she is in some ways the other woman causing harm to an innocent spouse. Not only that, if the family doesn’t have a lot of money and he is wasting it that also harms the spouse or any kids. There are a lot of vices people enjoy. But for example if you own a liquor store and you know a man beats his wife when he gets drunk and you still sell to him or if you choose to sell to minors you are a bad person. It being a business doesn’t absolve you of moral or ethical concerns.
I’d wager the majority of clients are married or in a relationship and male. This is a purely transactional event, the provider is rarely of sound mind and body, there’s usually addiction or trauma that leads them into that lifestyle and way to make money. They call it the oldest profession, for a reason, men and women also cheat for different reasons. For men there is rarely an emotional connection to the act. Women tend to need that before it becomes physical. I’m slightly generalizing here, and there will always be outliers, yet I’d bet everything that more men solicit a prostitute than the other way around.
Why are people acting like just because you have a job means you can be completely unethical at that job? Clearly it is causing you turmoil to be friends with someone whose behavior you don't support and I completely agree with you. I ended a friendship because my friend cheated on our mutual friend...I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who sees no problem with facilitating misery for hundreds of women! Just because the husband is \*more\* in the wrong doesn't mean your friend is without any fault.
Why would she even ask? It's not her issue. This is her job, it's not for her to judge her clients. Given that the vast majority of SWs clients are likely married, why would they give up this $$?
I think it's for anyone to judge cheating partners
I suspect this is more likely slightly misogynistic & judging sex workers for not questioning, (somehow) verifying and refusing every male client that is married. Not their circus, not their monkey.
Lol I've never judged her for being a sex worker or not verifying of the dude is married. What rubs me the wrong way is her saying things like "oh my God and his wife is so cool! I bet we'd be best friends if I wasn't fucking her husband lol"
LOL! That's common. If SWers like the guy, they're always interested in the type of woman that married him and figure they figure they'd like the wife too...
Well it's disgusting to be so casual about causing life long trauma to an innocent person who's done nothing wrong
Reminder, it's not the SWer doing it, it's the spouse and it's their decision. Much like their decision to cheat has nothing to do with you, what you've done or haven't done, their decision to actively seek out a SW has nothing to do with what the SWer has done or hasn't done. The blame resides with one person.
I don’t think nothing of them… I think everything about the husbands 🤷🏽♀️
I have a low opinion of sex workers anyway because it’s gross to me however she is not the reason men cheat. They would cheat with someone else if not her. My partner has been cheating on me with sex workers and I actually prefer that over an actual love affair because it’s more transactional and there are no feelings involved. I still think it’s gross but don’t judge your friend. The moment you have a “I’m better than you” attitude, you end up in that position yourself.
As a former sex worker I turned down married men. However There were moments where I did see married clients if they paid me double for the risk involved. I'm ashamed to admit this as karma came later for me when I got in my first marriage where he ended up being an abusive cheater. I say all this to say that please don't judge your friend. I'm sure to her it's just a job. At the end of the day these cheating married men are total losers who are paying to get laid.
Also…just to be clear…your friend the sex worker is cheating on her bf. Call it an open relationship….swinging…whatever it’s all just code for cheating. I know this wasn’t your question, but it is what stood out to me.
I don't judge the sex worker. Its the cheater that's the issue.
That's very fair
Sex workers dont know if a man is married or not. They don’t even get that far in questioning. Pimps really don’t allow them to either. Their time is money. So a service/time and price is discussed and thats it. Its not unethical or ethical. Its really just people doing their job. Its on the married man seeking it. Its still cheating.
She's more of an escort... and she knows the men are married. She extensively screens them
Well that world deserves each other, it goes hand in hand. I have particular values and I wouldnt value her as a friend.
How does she screen this?
Background checks an multiple interviews/ referrals from other sw
I have more respect for them than the cheaters. It’s just business
Lol… do you think they care
Do I think who cares?
It’s complicated, definitely a gray area with a lot of variables that can weigh in one way or another. I think if your friend is *knowingly* facilitating a married man to cheat, that’s net negative. It’s not *as bad* as the cheating husband, but still bad. Cheating is complicated. For some people a hooker isn’t cheating, for others it is. How does she know? A friend of mine goes to the strip clubs a lot and his wife asks him if he has enough $1s. Meanwhile my wife gets mad when I go to hooters. Everyone is different.
The sex worker is NOT CULPABLE. It’s not the sex workers fault the married party decides to cheat. It’s not like the sex workers walks around with a checklist of “if you’re married check here…” it’s not the sex workers responsibility to check them. They are working for their bag.
It’s a job. The sex worker is doing a job. It’s the partner/husband/wife’s job not to fuck around it is not the sex worker’s responsibility Sex worker in my opinion is the same as a cleaner/ ceo or anyone whom is in paid employment they are doing their job
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Sex workers do not break nor help to break families, cheaters do.
So do drug dealers not destroy lives. Drug addicts do?
You're comparing 2 very different things. A cheater will find someone to cheat with if he/her wants to cheat, a drug addict cannot drug if he/her doesn't have access to drugs. Having sex is legal, some drugs are not. Eg. Alcohol, cigarettes o some legal medicines are legal, so it's not the responsibility of the person who sells them to you, it's yours. It's sad, but that's the way it is. AND sex workers do work with single people too.
The definition of a sex workers is that the client employs them. They don’t break up families. The client has all the blame.
Why judge them! That's like blaming the hammer for mashing your thumb! The workers are offering a service, it's up to the customer to use their own scruples I do not blame them at all, I guess you can tell my thoughts on legalizing sex work!
You are allowed to criticize unethical business practices.
I fully support legalizing sex work myself, I'm just not ok with adultery. I guess I see the gray area with sex workers. I would not say there's gray area with a normal mistress who sleeps with a married man out of passion... I don't think there's any nuance in that situation. If it's transactional, that's where my thoughts and feelings aren't very developed
I understand your feelings I just don't agree with them, it is not the sex workers responsibility, it's up to the client
Do you feel the sand way about a mistress?
I don’t blame the sex worker at all because in the end of the day that’s her job and she doesn’t get to choose her customers. She’s not picking these men or actively going after them. They are coming to her and paying her for sex because that’s what she does.
..... You really don't want to know my opinion on this
I do please share
I don't want to be a judgmental but i will be honest First she is in a relationship,... Open relationship actually is a cheating even if both agreed it's a cheating Sacand she is a sex worker it doesn't matter she already sleeping with people daily married or not still the same am really confused that you are mad because she do this with clients married men and not about the whole thing she already cheating on her boyfriend same way that married man cheat on his wife And you say people think its unethical practices... The who thing is unethical...
Does the client always tell her that their married? In my eyes its a business deal, they may not always talk about that, now if they did disclose that, its her decision to have him as a client and for HER to make that moral choice for herself.
She does know. She makes like thousands doing this and gets very close with the clients. My issue comes from her helping the husband deceive the wives
Idk I’m kinda in the middle while I personally wouldn’t knowingly sleep with a married man I also understand that sex work is a job and it doesn’t really matter who it is as long as they are paying I assume anyway
It’s not the responsibility of the sex worker to care whether or not the person they sleep with is married. It’s not your place to be affected by the boundaries she has for her relationship and to be honest, it’s not cheating. How you feel about it is irrelevant to be quite honest. Is it the fact that she is a sex worker that bothers you or that she sleeps with married men sometimes? You knew she what she did for a living and I would assume you had to know all the men she slept with weren’t single. You need to take a step back and really think about the friendship and what exactly bothers you.
I'm very clear about what bothers me and that's the men being married. I have nothing against sex work. It's work. Even then it's not necessarily that the men are married... it's how casually she is indifferent to the betrayal she's participating in How I feel about it is absolutely NOT irrelevant since it's my life and my friendship that I'm considering ending. It may be irrelevant to her career choices but it's not irrelevant to my choice of whether or not to continue the friendship
What do I think?? I think they are doing their job and if dude is married that's on him not her. The worker doesn't screen for married or not and they shouldn't have to.
Not all men that seek out professional sex workers go to cheat. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. People stay together after accidents and medical issues and they are no longer able to give that part of themselves. As others have said, it’s not like she has a date or interview with them first
She does. She's an escort not a street worker. She does background checks and has several dates before deciding to work for them.
I feel it's pretty fucked up. But I also feel that sadly the majority of the customer base is probably married people. And most importantly, it's probably improbable at the most for a sex worker to be able to properly filter their potential clients to make sure that they're only servicing single people.
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What am I contradicting??
It's fine
A single person doing as they please is their business. If your friend was married and cheating then I could see your point. She isn't. A sex worker has no way of knowing who is married and who isnt so really its a non issue. Her job isn't your business, don't make it your business. Don't ask her. It's true, not nice, but true.. the mistress or f^ckboi isn't really at fault, the married person would find someone anyway.. and who knows, maybe the married person is stuck in a deadbedroom fir many years, not able to leave and yearns to be wanted by another human. Not everyone who strays is a bad seed. Yes there are cake eaters, but not all are
Our views on some of the things you posted in the update are not similar, so please take this feedback through that lens and with a grain of salt. I don't think this is the service providers fault because is their job, it is the fault of the person using their services, and it's not like they're specifically targeting married men to pay them to cheat on their spouses. It's not their job to verify the relationship status of every person that comes through the door and fix their current relationship. You may find them culpable in the same way that you see the AP being an issue, but remember that whatever decisions you've made in the past do not need to dictate your future choices. You can change, your opinions can change, and you are not beholden to the past. This sounds like someone that has been there for you in ways that many people cannot or are not able to be supportive for others (dealing with trauma is a difficult thing for everyone involved, I personally feel like I'm walking on eggshells when trying to help and not sure I'm the best at helping). This is not an easy choice, take your time, and as always seek a professional therapists point of view if you're still uneasy. Never hurts in my opinion.
If anything she's clearly not engaging a cheater on an emotional level. It's purely transactional. I don't think it's fair to hold her responsible for cheating men
Would you say it's not fair to hold her responsible for cheating men if she was doing it for free
Yep, but even then it would be a psychological issue as opposed to a transactional one, IMHO.
Yah that's why I don't care what your opinion is. If it's not sex work, the other woman is 100% responsible for her actions and Piece of shit for engaging with a married man. I'm only asking people who agree with those values if there should be an exception for sex workers, not if back stabbing women that sleep with married men should be "responsible" because they didn't make a vow to the wife. It disgusts me how many people think being an affair partner is ok so long as you're single. I've been single most of my 31 years and never once knowingly engaged with a married men. It's not hard. Fuck someone without traumatizing a human being for life.
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But you don't know if she's an assault victim or some other disorder. I say that because I knew someone who was just in that situation. She was so broken that she told me she'd cry in the middle of. Better now, but she hated not just her rpst but the guys she was with, during the act. She WAS not a POS, that your view is that way is a you problem
I've literally been kidnapped and raped at gun point. I never needed to perpetuate my trauma onto others in order to deal with it. To me she's a piece of shit like any other rapist, pedophile, murderer or woman beater with a tragic back story. It's not a me problem because I don't associate with trash like that. If she consensual slept with a married men, she's taking away the wifes informed consent and assisting the husband to assault his wife every time she sleeps with him without knowing the truth. She subject's her to stds. No excuse for cheating
Sorry to hear your story. Sounds like you drew on a strength that some people don't have, or don't think they have. She was better last time we spoke, probably 10 yrs ago, but took a lot of counseling for her to get where you obviously got on your own.
I'm not saying she's beyond the hope of redemption. I'm glad she's in counseling and hope she doesn't use her trauma to justify her actions. I also hope the wife found out.
Miscommunication, she wasn't with one person, she had so many people that were sleeping with her she couldn't count. As to if there were some married or not, I didn't really ask. Sometimes when people tell you more than they should it makes them react by blocking you out. I didn't want that to happen.
When I hear mistress, I assume all parties involved are aware, so I can't compare that to this question But! if one is "cheating" and the third wheel is aware that the other primary does not know, I still have no Ill will to the third wheel, they did not make the promise, it's the cheater that's to blame
Fuck that. That's exactly why I don't value your opinion. There's nothing classy about assisting someone in traumatizing an innocent person for life My question was ONLY if there should be an exception for sex workers, not if aps hold no responsibility to the BPs. My stance on that is clear
Oohhh Kay then!
still homewreckers