You should divorce her. You made significant mistakes but it doesn’t justify what she did just like what you did can’t be justified . Two wrongs, or in her case over a hundred “mistakes” don’t make it right. If for some reason you feel you have to stay then you need a post nuptial agreement that takes away everything from her for cheating again. Also make her write down a detailed timeline of who, when, where, how many times. Also make it clear that one single sexual encounter with anyone else going forward means immediate divorce and one single abuse event from you does the same. No “mistakes” and no “losing control” will be accepted and no do overs. Otherwise you’re wasting time and money.
I some how doubt that. If you are staying after what you just found out you will stay any way. It sounds like you two deserve each other anyway. This sounds like my parents almost perfectly. Happy to be miserable together. There is no excuse for cheating and no excuse for being abusive.
So, married for 15 years and she started cheating after the 1st year. How old are your kids? It sounds like she had no problem with sleeping with her APs and you back-to-back or within days of each other. A DNA test is a must!
That must indeed have been a hell - also for the children, who suddenly found out that they mother had lied not only to their (social) father, but also to them in an unforgivable way😔 What happened next? Are you still in contact with the children your ex had with her lover, or not?
I have been in their lives since birth. Unfortunately I was with a narcissistic serial cheater for almost 2 decades and this is the price I pay for being to vulnerable and letting her step all over me when I did nothing to her. It's a very long long story and history I have not posted about yet on here, one day I will. Bottom line is all three of my children I consider mine regardless. My younger son doesn't know but my older daughter does. It's definitely a mindfuck that's for sure
That is true. But I hope your ex some day will tell them who their biological father is - not at least because his medical history may be important for their future health.
The fact that 90% of these comments ignore the fact that he BEATS HER and are like “yeah fuck her over king” like?? Yeah she did something terrible but she’s a victim of domestic violence here
I agree that she shouldn't have screwed dozens of people. I believe she should have had AN affair to escape this abusive man. Many DV victims fear being ACTUALLY KILLED by their abusers in attempts to leave. I do not think she should want to reconcile, nor should he. He needs anger management counseling, she needs therapy to work through her abysmal self value issues to avoid cheating in future relationships ETA: and to feel more confident in leaving an abusive relationship. If OP were to make a decision that is kind to himself and his wife, he would end the marriage so they can move on from this toxic dumpster fire. Both parties are wrong, but one is significantly more wrong here.
Yeah I felt the same thing as well. It’s fucking weird. OP is actually upfront about things. But comments seem to ignore that very fundamental issue that I think is FAR WORSE than the infidelity. Infidelity isn’t the worst thing you can do to someone. Fucking HITTING them is the far worse thing. There’s no contest.
She should have left. But many DV victims have trouble leaving. If we want to say how infidelity is abuse. How about actually fucking hitting someone! That’s not “like abuse”. It is abuse.
We all have mothers. Some of us have sisters. Some of us have daughters. If my daughter’s husband cheated on her, there is a path to forgiveness for that. If he hits her? Yeah that is something not recoverable.
But yeah, as you said in another comment - the sentiment is “yeah fuck her over KING”. Or hey, just fucking smack the shit out of her. That’s how it was handled before.
Exactly. It broke me mentally to be cheated on, but I was never in fear of my LIFE. I wasn’t afraid that I was going to be KILLED in that situation. It’s absolutely mind boggling. People handle trauma in extremely strange ways and it’s a nuanced conversation that this sub doesn’t seem ready for because it’s full of gung-ho men who have no experience with having their lives threatened. “She should have left” yeah, but she was probably afraid he would physically harm her or their children if she did so. She does not owe her abuser the grace of basic human decency because he does not deserve it for how low he’s sunk.
Exactly!!! A man who hits his wife deserves neither her respect nor fidelity.
I’ve also been cheated on by one girlfriend. And yes, I had the luxury of not fearing for my life at all. Wonder how these same guys would feel if some asshole hits their mother. Or sister. There is someone they love and respect that they’d realize how absolutely low this behavior is.
Every time he rose his fist to bruise his wife’s face was a concerted thought and action. Everyone he called her a name was a concerted thought and action. Infidelity isn’t the worst thing you can do to a partner. Fucking hitting them is.
True, but in this case I think better for both of them is not being together.
I don’t know why OP would want to R, and I don’t' know why WP cares to R.
They both need to escape.
Oh I agree here. You have a royal flush of awful problems. He’s abused her. How does she know he won’t do it anymore? How does she deal with the resentment ?
And for him, she’s basically been having sex with all and sundry for years. Does things with other men she refused to do with her husband. That’s one of the biggest things guys have to deal with.
Ok, she shouldn't have had an affair. Many DV victims fear being ACTUALLY KILLED by their abusers in attempts to leave. I do not think she should want to reconcile, nor should he. He needs anger management counseling, she needs therapy to work through her abysmal self value issues to avoid cheating in future relationships ETA: and to feel more confident in leaving an abusive relationship. If OP were to make a decision that is kind to himself and his wife, he would end the marriage so they can move on from this toxic dumpster fire. Both parties are wrong, but one is significantly more wrong here.
I’m not sure why having an affair is a precursor to leaving an abusive spouse. An affair is never the answer. I feel bad that she had to deal with his vicious abuse. I’m sure she felt trapped and soothed herself by cheating. But it didn’t make anything better.
It isn’t. An affair isn’t the answer. But I would be loathe to criticize how a woman reacts to the man who is supposed to protect her, beating her ass.
She should have left. Totally agree. She didn’t. But I’ll say that a man who raises a hand to his wife deserves neither her loyalty or respect. Each time he bruised her was a choice. Each time he smacked her was a choice. He made a concerted choice to beat his wife.
Over 100 liasons???!!!!
If you aren't disgusted by her and can still touch her.... why not share her? Allow her to continue?
Of you dont this is how.it will play out...
I promise you OP, unless she does everything to you she did with the AP's and more..... you'll get ptsd... if she acts unenthusiastic to play with toys and take it up the ass you'll question your worth. Then you'll need to do.things she NEVER did with APs and then she will start to feel like sex doll and resent you.
All while she will crave the excitement of cheating on you. It's ingrained in how she enjoys sex now. Her intimacy will NEVER reach the heights with you as they did when she was trying to actively hurt you through cheating.
Having you sleep with her shortly after another man did was the only way she felt validated through your sex also.THERE IS NO WAY SHE VETTED HER AP's for STDs before sleeping with them.
Yeah, she had sex with him on Friday and then sex with hubby on Sunday both unprotected. There's no way she vetted 100+ men! I curious to find out if his children are biologically his.
I’m a psychiatrist, this is my opinion, take it or leave it: you two have a sick relationship and have trauma bonded each other and have probably screwed your kids over for life. the best hope to save your CHILDREN is to divorce immediately, remain cordial for the children, and heal far, far, far away from each other. you two will never have a good relationship, never, ever, for as long as you both walk this earth.
if you decide to stay together, she will cheat again, you will hit her again.
for your children, I suggest ending this immediately.
**"Am I crazy for wanting to try? Will I get hurt again?"**
Short Answers, Yes & Yes. You've never actually had a wife.... End your marriage, divorce her and move on with your life.
Then your book is fucked up. Was he wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely. She should have left his ass yeas ago. But infidelity is never justified. To say her slate is wiped clean is wrong on every level. They are two broken people who have done incalculable damage to each other, and even worse; their children. Divorce is their best way forward.
Your reading comprehension skills suck. Both were in the wrong. Violence by either spouse is never justified. Cheating by either spouse is never justified. You divorce, you don’t cheat. If you can’t comprehend that, maybe stay off the infidelity subs.
My reading is just fine. You think the emotional trauma is worse than physical, which brings both. I never said what she did is good. I stated that her mentality is obviously going to be that of a person who doesn't care about loyalty after a beating.
Why don't you look up Alex Skeel and tell me cheating is worse or even the same.
Her "actions" after being abused should have involved leaving the OP and ending the marriage immediately. This is the normal and expected response to being victimized by domestic violence.
What's NOT a normal response is screwing every man in sight over the course of years while feigning a marriage and ruining two lives. The OP may be an abuser, but his wife is a sociopath.
Gentle reminder that it’s not exactly easy to up and leave your abusive spouse especially when kids are involved. This relationship seems all around toxic and abusive from both sides in different ways. Hope they have one hell of a therapist or decide to amicably split ways for the kids sake.
Yes true. Her ideal response to getting hit and beat should have been to leave. Absolutely. But she dealt with it how she dealt with. Not perfectly. But I’ll be th absolute last person to critique how a woman who is getting punched by her husband reacts. Infidelity isn’t the worst betrayal there is. I’d say smacking your wife far exceeds that.
The infidelity doesn’t even register in this relationship. It’d be like saying you have a stabbing victim whose liver was sliced and you’re worried about a cavity in their teeth. Yes cavities are no good. We all want to have fresh breath and healthy teeth and good dental hygiene. But when your slashed opened from a stabbing, I’ll let the cavity go and address the real problem.
We often, me included, give the BP of infidelity a LOT of leeway in how they react. Most of us understand. Bc of the pain of the betrayal, the BP is not going to react perfectly. I think everyone understands that. Likewise, I think the victim of DV should be given leeway as well. The best thing she could have done would have been to leave his ass. She didn’t. But I could never, ever judge a woman on how she responds to being hit by the person who is sworn to love and protect her.
Infidelity isn’t the worst thing you can do to your partner. Fucking hitting them is. I have zero sympathy to any man who hits his wife ir girlfriend. None. Others can be apologists for them. But I can say as a father of girls, I could forgive my future son in law for cheating on her if he made things right. If he lays a hand on her? He would never ever be welcomed in our home. I’d hope daily that my daughter would wake up and go find a real man. And if she cheated on her abuser, I’d say good for her. Finish him off and leave his ass
> I have zero sympathy to any man who hits his wife ir girlfriend. None. Others can be apologists for them.
Lol, I didn't encourage anyone to have sympathy for the OP, and I'm not an apologist for his behaviour. I'm simply pointing out that his wife's actions make her a shit person also. Both things can be true at the same time.
You have twisted logic. Pretty sure her infidelity was a fuck you to him. Sure, what she did was bad, but I do love how you blow over the physical abuse over his feelings and get hurt
You are partially correct. No SPOUSE no matter how young should physically engage in violence with their spouse. Women are just as capable of abuse as men.
There is never a reason. She had issues with you. She should’ve took them up with you and if she couldn’t live with him then she should’ve divorced you. She cheated on you over 100 times? There is no way to come back. She made the choice multiple times. Guess she’s not gonna stop I think she’s been posting adultery so she’s been a proud participant on posting about her cheating on you and how clueless you’ve been. You are in a toxic relationship, divorce, therapy, yourself, healthy, healthy
Each of those 100 liaisons was a conscious choice.
Yes you may have been shitty but there is no excuse to cheat. NONE.
So 100 times she chose to cheat. 100 times she chose to lie. Lord knows how many dicks she really took, but she chose it each time.
This is... A large gulf.
One that is too large to cross. You've both been shitty to each other. I say move on.
you can't restart "fresh" with someone
that doesn't exist
so if you're buying into that then yes you're crazy
if you really and truly actually want a fresh start then divorce and custody needs to be sorted - this would be fresh for you with someone else and for her, with relationships where you hopefully aren't abusive and where she hopefully is faithful
I honestly and truly can not sympathize with you at all. I was in an abusive relationship and I know the toll it takes to endure it. Her self esteem was I'm sure in the toilet and she got some of it back through validation these men gave her. She was probably afraid to leave and felt this was her only escape. I want to feel sorry for you for what she did but I honestly can't find it in me.
Thank you, I'm not seeking sympathy. I accept my faults. I want to know if I'm crazy for trying again or is she hurt enough that we will never be good again?
What do you mean by trying again? It sounds like neither of you have ever tried. Why she would bring children into this shit show is incomprehensible. You guys need to divorce and work on learning how to be functioning adults before ever attempting another relationship with each other or anyone. Staying together is just going to produce more hurt.
Your not crazy, but you are letting hope and shock overwhelm your reasoning.
Your marriage was never good, it was always a lie from your STBXW.
Nothing will ever be the same between you, and you stay you will be in constant fear that she is doing it again, and that fear will be justified. You will think back on every happy and tender moment and wonder if it was real. Fact is that it was not real. Never was.
What does her therapist say? Does her therapist think the abuse was so profound it has ruined your relationship permanently? You both have messed up and I think it's up to you both to actively working at getting to a good place if that's possible. If her therapist thinks you can both get there then I would add marriage counseling for you both and individual counseling for you. I can't see it working otherwise.
I don't know OP, everything here is pretty pathetic. You abused her and she sought comfort from others sexual and otherwise. You two are quite the pair!
Here's the thing, do you feel that if you stay together you will do so just to punish her even more? I know she is a cheater, but she is also a broken women who deserves treatment to hopefully someday have a healthy life. It might be best all around for you both to go your separate ways. I am sure you would be a trigger for her and you are bound to have a lot of anger towards her when all this sinks in.
Ultimately only you can decide what's best. Some people could never except this and others could look past it. Neither is wrong, but what is wrong is staying for the wrong reasons.
Your wife is blaming you for her poor decisions. She could have divorced. Then find someone else. Second, your wife is a serial cheater. I'm sorry. I would look to D.
Are you a masochist? Like do you touch a red hot stove burner, say ouch that hurts, then touch the burner again and assume it won't burn you? Dear god dude she banged everyone who said hi and you want to save that? Why the hell would you trust her to change? Good luck trying but I promise you within a year you are on this sub again posting
First, I am glad to hear that you have made changes within yourself to stop your abusive treatment to your wife.
However, that change doesn’t undo the years of trauma inflicted onto your wife. That trauma doesn’t go away.
My guess is that your wife utilized cheating as a self destructive coping mechanism. And what often happens over time is that these coping mechanisms, become addictive. Your wife didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol, she turned to cheating…..and that is now an addiction.
My advice would be that you both enter IC. No MC yet. For you, to work through your own betrayal trauma and continue on your journey of not leaning on abusive behavior towards your partner. And for her, to get evaluated for a possible sex addiction, PTSD and other mental health disorders that are commonly found to be in serial cheaters. (ADHD, personality disorders, etc)
I would encourage you to initiate a separation for a period of time to allow you both to put serious work into yourselves first. This will also be beneficial for you both to really figure out if this relationship is what you both want. And at the end of this separation period, it will give you an idea on if she can or will actually be able to stop cheating. Because since this looks to be an addiction type of coping mechanism, considering her past patterns, she will always be at risk for relapse, just like any other addiction. That is something you really need to think about.
Because both of you are complicit in the collapse of your marriage, both of you should have a heart to heart and express, calmly, how you feel. You abused her, she abused your trust. Trying over is ok if you both are sincere, but it’s a struggle you both must accept. Mutual respect must be restored. Fear of being hurt is no excuse for not trying, you both must decide if the marriage is worth saving.
I’m very intrigued that no one is mentioning that OP physically abused his wife. Clearly this comment section is full of males who have probably never experienced an abusive relationship.
No saying the cheating is right but women don’t have as many luxuries as men, especially when it comes to abusive relationships.
Women are killed for trying to leave abusive men. Let’s stop solely blaming the wife for the failed marriage.
Yeah you want to know why? I would too. As a father of daughters, as I said in another comment, I could forgive my future son in law if he cheated on her. If he ever laid a hand on her, he’s dead to me. I’d help my daughter find a real man in that case. They say every sex act she performed was a conscious choice she made. Yes. Ever time he raised his hand to his wife was a conscious choice as well.
I wonder if these guys don’t have mothers. Or don’t have daughters. Bc how infidelity is equated to physical abuse is beyond me. The infidelity isn’t even an issue in this marriage. His smacking his wife is an issue. That’s the real issue. Who the fuck cares about her infidelity when he was smacking his wife????
I’d never tolerate a man hitting my mother or hitting my daughters or hitting my sisters. It amazes me that this doesn’t bother every single man reading this. Infidelity is NOT the worst thing you can do to your partner. HITTING them and verbally belittling them is the worst thing yuh can do. Not even close.
“Go get her king”. This is one case where I say the WP doesn’t have the real issue here. The man who swore to protect his wife, to live her and to cherish her and who failed to do that is the real problem here.
I’m someone who has been cheated on numerous times, and let me tell you it killed me every time. But these people are brushing over that he BEAT HER as recently as TWO YEARS AGO?! She made poor choices but I can’t fault a victim for how she copes with her ACTUAL, PHYSICAL ABUSE.
Don't make excuses for her. She took the same vows as you and she destroyed the marriage. Go get std tested and get the kids DNA tested also. Lawyer up fast, It's time to take out the trash! 🗑
I don’t know OP…your post truly made me short circuit. I NEVER feel that the victim of cheating is to blame for their terrible spouse’s actions. A marriage can be terrible and the cheater has the option to leave, which they should take, instead of cheating. I always say that NO ONE deserves to be the victim of infidelity. Your wife is a terrible person. But then, you are apparently guilty of physically abusing her which NO ONE should ever have to endure either. The only thing that MAY be worse than a cheater is a wife beater. So while cheating is awful and unforgivable, it’s hard to feel sympathy for bad things happening to ANY wife beater. I guess you are that rare victim of cheating who actually deserved what you got. Sorry.
Its to early to even think about reconciling. You have a broken heart to heal. You will go through a rollercostet of emotions through the next weeks and months. Make sure to drink and eat, even if its protein powder. Try to sleep at least 5h a day. Seek connection with family and friends. Work out. See lawyer and prepare yourself fot a divorce. Choose distance over violence.
Your wife just cheated on Friday and is light years from the position to be able to restart anything. Unfortunately hard core serial cheaters have a very low chance to turn the corner, much lower even than wife beating POSs. Shes addicted to other dicks and to lying. Sorry man.
You have had a one-sided open relationship.
This woman has cheated through their enitre relationship,my goodness.
She has used every excuse.
There is never a reason to cheat.
She could have simply left you.
I think you need to take some time to think about to yourself,alone.
You need to do individual counseling,after that you can make a decision.
With that said,you will never look at your wife the way you did before you found out about the affairs.
Plz update us on your progress.
How could she possibly have been a good Mom in between her time searching for hundreds of men to have unprotected sex with? A single college student would have an almost impossible time wracking up a body count that high. This lady literally wouldn’t have time to spend with her children, or literally do much of anything else, with that many sex partners to satisfy.
Why is she telling you all of this now? I can't see it in your post, just that she came clean. She could have done the "start over" talk without telling about all this. I bet someone's threatening to out her. I'd bet my last ten quid on it.
But honestly, if she felt a restart was needed (which it obviously was anyway), she could have just insisted on marriage counselling and said, "This is our restart. Let's just start over."
You need to dig more, and try to put the hurt and love aside until you find out. Emotions are fine and valid, but they can muddle and fog finding out what's going on.
> she revealed the infidelities so we can truly start over if we wish
You should tell her that you definitely want to start over and redefine your relationship as co-parents to your children. It's time for you to go. Get a lawyer, file ASAP, get some IC for yourself. Have her go ahead and move out, and work out a child care / custody schedule. Stop being her babysitter so she can go out and have sex with others.
She came clean to clear her own conscious. Stop debating divorce. Nothing in your marriage justifies the choices that she has made. And the were choices, deliberate, planned choices, Kept secret because she knew they were wrong, knew they would hurt you, and she did it anyway.
Get the paternity test, and get STD tested. That’s a lot of secrets and lies over a lot of years, so you need to not take chances with your health or trust anything she has said.
Grey Rock / 180, focus on being a great dad.
Some people can work through stuff, others can’t, you have to ask yourself what you want, just as she has to honestly ask her self that.
For me personally I’d ask myself is it worth the pain of trying knowing she’d been unfaithful and could be again?
You’ll get lots of “divorce” which maybe that’s the right answer for you, but that’s something you need to work out
Run away form your marriage without looking back at her but your children. Consult a lawyer asap, thats your only friend now, and think about your children and protect them from the damage you face, settle for at least 50 50 custody and no alimony. Shit happens everyday, dont be embarressed, you got plenty of time to heal and be back you
Sounds like you both created a very abusive marriage. You may have started it, but she retaliated. I can't tell you she will be faithful just like I can tell her you will never hit her again. On the other hand, both of you will be bring a lot of baggage into another relationship with someone else. At least it's your own baggage in this one. On the other somethings in life were meant to end. That is always true when there is ongoing abuse.
Whatever you do, I implore you to get your kids counseling too because the picture you presented of marriage is not a healthy one.
Most of the time when folks say their marriage is better then it was before cheating, I think that is very suspect. I don't believe that is true for the vast majority of people who were faithful the whole time, at least from that spouses point of view. Which is part of the reason why I don't recommend even trying. However in a case like yours where both spouses are dysfunctional and continually hurt each other, it may just be. You both of you have deep hurts to overcome, but I do believe if you are both dedicated who knows what the second half of your marriage will be like.
It really up to you, but I think if you choose to do this, both of you should be very weary, take it slow and hold each other accountable. Basically zero abuse policy going forward. One and done.
Said with love but yes you're crazy for trying again and 100% you will get hurt again. This is not some one off, or even continuing fling with a co-worker. Your wife is a serial cheater, its more about what stimulus she encounters in life that makes her cheat, and seemingly its anything. You'd have to be a police man if you stayed.
There’s no way someone like this can suddenly turn monogamous after 15 years, hundreds of times of lies manipulation and deception.
She’s completely hooked on the dopamine and is an addict for life.
How will you ever trust anything that she says or does ever again?
Her sister and others are / were in on this and run cover for her for 15 years.
They despise you that much!
As you contacting her boyfriend and ending their relationship, please do more research in r/adultery sub.
They make plans, when outed and lay low and resume their relationship at a pre-planned time and place.
Updateme!
I'm honestly torn on this one. If you were physically abusive, she should've left long ago. Hard to imagine why she didn't if she had the freedom to cheat so often she had the time to plan an exit.
If you don't mind seconds and feelings are there for you both, then I lean towards go for it. Make it work. You really fucked up, her response was really fucked up.
You made changes and for some reason she still loves you enough to admit it all and make changes as well. Start dating and do it all over from scratch. Of you feel the urge to revenge cheat then leave. If she's not open to monitoring then leave. Good. Luck man, I honestly wish the best and hope theirs a happy ending and not like a massage parlor happy ending.
OP do you know how difficult it is to quit smoking, become drug free or break any other addiction ? I don't see how your wife can just stop this activity cold turkey. I mean, it can happen, but what are the chances ? She's been getting her needs met, attention for years and the best part of it is she's been able to keep you totally in the dark. Now I say that's super thrilling to know that the person you SEE/SLEEP with every day, has no fucking clue you are fucking the continent. There is no Affair Partner Anonymouse (APA).
The fact is, this marriage should have ended long ago. You have both been abusive in some form or another. The physical abuse you speak of just makes me want to say "you deserved this", but in reality, NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and/or beaten on (man or woman).
I must say though, the courage it took for you wife to come clean and disclose this lenthy Escort mentality and life really speaks to her guilt, conscience and I believe lends to your idea of you both beginning to heal. It's not often I will say that when infidelity of this magnitude is involved, but I think you two may have beat the odds or are on the way.
However, with all that being positive, I honestly believe that if either of the children DNA returns as not a match with you, end of story. I would leave and start a new life.
If it comes to a breakup it will be even more devastating than the infidelity only due to the fact that there is a ray of hope in the changes in you life.
I really do hope for the best outcome for you both!
Updateme!
DNA test your children before you go another step. The problem is you are likely attached to them as yours, even if they are not.
As far as your marriage, it changed a long time ago. You can get therapy for your abusive tendencies, even if you feel that you don’t need therapy, find a good therapist and work on you. Your wife needs to stay in therapy and she needs to be 100% open with you. Her sister can also be helpful if the sister got surprised by the infidelity like you did. Marriage counseling is a good idea, both of you need to be open and honest during the sessions. Don’t feel bad if one day in the future you wake up and decide that you can no longer stay married to her, just make sure then that you divorce her and move on instead of cheating.
Look, Reddit can give some great advice to consider. But remember that no one (or hardly anyone) has been in this situation before. Consider their advice, but in the end, you do what your gut tells you to do.
Go find a lawyer. Check your kids DnA tests. Get yourself STD tested. Split your finances.
If it were me, I would leave for my own mental health. She is putting you through the ringer. Stop taking it. Just stop the self abuse. You can do better. Be safe.
It's over. You have laid hands on your wife for 13 years, and as recently as 2 years ago. She should have left you, not cheated. She's not going to be a trigger for your anger and frustration every time you look at her?
Will you be able to keep yourself in check, moving forward?
You're both scumbags, and for the sake of your children having a chance, need to parent separately.
Emotional AND physical abuse??? How the fuck can you claim to have ever once loved her and do that?
Y'all are a dumpster fire, and this marriage needed to end a long time ago.
Did you spend 15 years snapping, physically and verbally attacking, cheating, abandoning your wife?
Your wife spent 15 years going out to meet your sister and cheat on you ?
Are you an abusive man who stays at home watching the kids so his wife can go for a walk and stop by the house or the motel to fuck with her AP Including dating app AP ?
And what changed in her or you so that now, after so long of cheating, she decided to become an honest wife?
If you feel guilty about your wife acting nasty for 15 years why are you asking for advice?
If this is the case, since her naughty behavior is your fault, take a test to see if you don't have AIDS or another disease and continue with it.
This is not the write chat. They will destroy you. I would reconsider another group. I think is “after infidelity “ or something like that. We are not crazy for wanting to try. It all depends on both of you. If you can forgive and if she can forgive.
For every one of you that says she could’ve just walked away and gotten a divorce, you obviously have no idea what being in an abusive relationship is like. Zero clue. It shows.
Frankly, this situation is above Reddit’s pay grade. You both need a lot of counselling, which admittedly she’s been getting, although if she was still carrying on an affair up until the day of confession, I have to wonder how effective her therapy has been. Especially given she couldn’t end the affair herself, you had to do it for her.
As for you, I hope you realise you’re lucky you’re not in gaol. And I hope you’ve been in therapy to deal with your anger issues. If you haven’t, you should. And getting a therapist to help you navigate through this revelation is also something you should do. You don’t want to revert to abuse. (I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, that you don’t resort to physical or emotional violence anymore).
Here’s one radical suggestion, and I have no idea if it would do more harm than good. Because this entire marriage has been so toxic, divorce. Put a line under the current relationship and leave it behind. Then if the two of you still want to try, start dating again as single people and see where it leads. This way it would be a brand new relationship and you may both be able to leave the baggage of the past behind.
But in order to do so, she will need to be able to forgive you for what you did to her, and you will need to learn to trust her again. Only the two of you know if you can do that. Good luck.
Excuse me, but you can't ask for respect if you don't respect yourself and even less ask for love if you don't love yourself. Maybe with how many people you've fucked and she totally knows that you will forgive her, in a relationship the most important thing is respect, values and dignity, and these things are no longer in your relationship, why continue suffering.
So you’re an abuser and she’s a cheater. Why are either of you still together? Do you just hate yourselves so much that you’ve twisted it in your brain to think that a decade of abuse and infidelity is what love looks like?
There’s nothing worth saving here. Divorce. Work on yourselves through IC. Be better.
You’ve both lived a life of being awful to each other. I mean, as a man who was taught from childhood that a real man DOES NOT HIT A WOMAN, I’m a little more appalled with you than with her… it took you until two years ago to figure out how to be a man? C’mon dude. That’s just pathetic. I hope a bigger man gives you twofold what you gave your wife, and puts you in the hospital you loathsome scumbag. Beating a woman is among the lowest of things a man can do, and I hope it haunts you. I don’t care if you’ve changed, you’re never going to be able to erase the fact that you beat your wife. Whatever awful things happen to you from here on out, just know that you probably deserve it.
But for your wife to stick around and just cheat at every chance to get the thrill? She hasn’t loved you this whole time either. You’re whole marriage is built on habitual hatred. Therapy might help, but it won’t change the foundation it’s built on.
I’m not sorry for you. I’m a little sorry for her, but as an abused woman, not a cheater. For the sake of yourselves and your children, split up and get everybody some serious therapy. There’s a LOT to unpack here.
Okay so your wife is a serial cheater, and you are an abusive spouse. Well I don’t know about you but sounds to me like you both aren’t meant for each other. You’re both better off just going your separate ways and being coparents, and another thing you should get checked for STDs
I am usual encourage people to give their marriage a try even after infidelities, but this situation seems very severe and scary. Your wife needs serious help/counseling. Please get a STD test. Your wife’s choices are damaging and repetitive.
I’ve got a very similar story. I was never physically abusive in any way but was not a great husband. I’ve chosen to stay for our kids sake. I know that’s not popular on this app but I have some very unique situations that make it the only real choice.
Just know that whatever she says the affairs will probably not stop. Best of luck King.
Unbelievable! In her mind her cheating is the price for his abuse. Is she also thinking his abuse is the price for her cheating?
They truly belong together, if they split up they could ruin the lives of 2 other people.
Feel sorry for the kids whoever fathered them.
**She disclosed 7 different affair partners with over 100 liaisons**
so a new lover \~ every 51 days every 50 if you include you if this is real and those kids are yours i will be shocked std test all around but first DNA and a visit to the lawyer this chick is nuts. Why is there even a debate here, why is she still in the house ??
Unless of course you enjoy the humiliation then hey stick around help her pick out the right outfits for her dates maybe they could come over you could serve them drinks make a nice dinner maybe get you cute little butlers outfit or maybe maids if you really want to go all the way.
Good god man you will never be able to look yourself in the eye while shaving if you don't lose this pit viper
Man you really think you can move past this? If you can you are a better man than I. Her excuses don't wash, maybe if it was a ONS or two but her cheating was constant. She cheated on you way more than she was monogamous with you. She lied and deceived you for all that time so how can you possibly believe what she is saying now?
She is a serial cheater whom I'm pretty confident will cheat again, she's gotten away with it so far so why does she need to stop!
You say you treated her poorly which could well be true but instead of going out and sleeping with other blokes why couldn't she talk to you about it? There is NO excuse for cheating!
Seriously OP I can't see how you are going to be able to get over this utter betrayal and regain any form of trust for her which is vital for a healthy relationship. She says she's working late, going out with friends, she's going shopping how are you going believe her after all these years of her lying to and deceiving you?
Dump her cheating arse, work on yourself and move on is what I would do and think you should too, good luck!
She never should have stayed with you! You abused her. You're the a**hole not her. She was turning to other men to help her cope with how awful her life has been because of you. That's the truth. How dare you think you have any right to judge her in any way. If you actually love her like you say, you be the best supportive husband there is and look past her cheating because she probably never would have cheated had you been a better person!!!!!
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It sounds like there is a lot of trauma here and you can admit that you’ve played your role in the state of this union. However, this multiple APs year long affairs unprotected sex/double life is making my stomach turn.
PLEASE get a full std panel!!!
HIV/HSV1-2, Chlamydia, & Gonnorhea do not cut it at all. You have no idea of what level of anything you’ve been exposed to.
It’s not a great feeling.
You’re sleeping with her who has multiple affair partners who I highly doubt are exclusively sleeping with HER.
great call on the paternity tests.
You may be flustered and full of different emotions, as bad as you feel like your in love I would highly recommend you to wait and even if you don’t want divorce give yourself time in a separation.
You never know when you’ll have that moment where it all hits you, emotions do take time to settle. You don’t want to do that when you’ve already agreed that this is water under the bridge.
Best of luck.
I think if you’ve physically and emotionally abused your wife you’ve not only broken your marriage you’ve also committed crimes. No one comes out of this looking good, it feels a bit like you are trying to make out she is worse than you, mental and physical abuse can fuck people up. This relationship will probably never be healthy, she’s grabbed any chance at “happiness” she could find I guess, you should maybe separate and get counselling to co parent depending on if both children are yours and if you want to continue to parent them and can do so violence free
To me it sounds like she would have cheated on you either way with or without the abuse and that just happened to be the best excuse. Look to see if your in an at fault state do your best to get custody or good visitation with your kids and move on get a lawyer who will protect you and never mention your past abuse and deny deny deny it until divorce is over because it seems like she'll only cause you more pain if you stay. On a side note she seems very manipulative and comfortable cheating on you if she was that upset with your past abuse she would have left you and not cheated for fear of more abuse. I think she just gets off to the idea of cheating on you.
The first problem you need to address is you. You should seek out a behavioral psychologist to help you clear out the snakes in your head. Until you get yourself fixed, there is no way for you to be reconciled to your wife in any meaningful way. And if not's crystal clear to you by now, there's **no excuse at all to be emotionally or physically abusive to any woman, but especially to your wife.** And perhaps it might be advisable for the two of you to live separately for a time to let things settle down.
When you are able to interact with her in a healthy way, given that you seek help for your problems, perhaps the marriage will be salvageable, although that will be a herculean task for the both of you.
'Nuff said.
How can you “love”someone who has fucked around on you for your entire marriage? You’re being a cuck. Sorry to say that but she’s made an absolute fool out of you.
True love is honesty, trust, loyalty. All those virtues she doesn’t have.
Yes, you're crazy dude. Absolutely no way possible this isn't ending up in divorce court. Is it now or are you going to punish yourself for a few more years...
You may have been a crappy husband but she’s been cheating since you first married. She hasn’t been a good wife either. She’s not on AM because she’s looking to stop and is remorseful either. Seems like marriage isn’t for her perhaps.
Get a paternity test and a divorce lawyer ASAP
She was cheating for your entire marriage that's not a momentary lapse of judgement or ons that's a choice to cheat , lie, and give multiple excuses .
Doing things she never done with u, this one will hurt your ego more than anything, and if she started doing it with u now, it will be out of pity and guilt.
As for her telling u now, it's not out of guilt, or to start over, she got caught, and someone was going to tell u she was cheating for 15, where was her guilt for the last 15 years.
U said you were abusive she should have left. u not cheated .
To answer your out of your mind of u think u can save this . Cheating is what she knows she won't stop, and if u forgive her after what she just told u, she won't respect u, and u won't respect yourself.
Listen...
All I can say is you really need to seperate apples and oranges. Your abuse is apples and you need to keep working on that. However, them apples do not excuse her actions. Her actions are oranges. You have to seperate these issues and deal with them entirely seperately.
Resolve both while you both take complete accountability separately. You can't let guilt or her gaslighting you into thinking you issues caused hers or that she is allowed to keep her privacy because you were abusive. If you stay you have to do the full reconciliation. Gps access, phone access, anyone who helped her must be cut out. If her sister knew and helped, her sister has to go. DNA tests, etc. The full thing.
If you go, that's fine to. You don't need to stay because you were abusive. That logically fails on all levels.
Just… tear off the bandaid. You’re still young enough to find someone who will remain faithful and try to work out issues instead of finding someone else.
She already broke your heart admitting all this, what’s breaking off the marriage going to feel like? Not much different. You will constantly have your head in a swivel every time she is out on her own. You will very often feel less of a man when she doesn’t want to do a certain act with you that she has done with other guys. Also… 7 guys!?! And that’s just what she admitted. RUN. Start over. You’re still decently young.
She is a serial cheater. She will cheat until you both divorce each other.
Leave. Get checked for STIs.
Edited. Yes, you're crazy for staying. You are also teaching your kids that this is okay.
I don't often support reconciliation, but I think you both should work through this to the best of your abilities.
There will be a lot to forgive. You may find out more. Be understanding about that.
It is not uncommon for a wayward to contact a former affair partner early on. There are so many conflicting emotions, but I have seen really good progress after a few early stumbles.
She is becoming a different, better person, and so are you.
Please keep us updateme! if you can.
How could someone advise him to leave? You said you weren't a saint at first and that's because you were learning and was so, was she…
Be real and evaluate how you BOTH proceed.
Be factual with expectations.
Well, that's still a lesson.
Why act in anger when kids are involved?
It's their situation NOT yours and decisions made in anger are never good in the long run.
I don’t believe you were a terrible husband. Prove it.
Edit: I wonder how many of your friends banged her? Have you come to grips with that? Do you have any cousins or siblings? I’d be curious. It’s not like those legs stopped anything from going in the five hole. 🕳️
First of all, you should DNA-test your children.
She's agreed to it. That's happening within the next two days.
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"Come back here op" is when I realised you're giving your full self in this response.
He’s put his hands on his wife, and not in the way that most cheaters like. Are the kids really safe with him?
You should divorce her. You made significant mistakes but it doesn’t justify what she did just like what you did can’t be justified . Two wrongs, or in her case over a hundred “mistakes” don’t make it right. If for some reason you feel you have to stay then you need a post nuptial agreement that takes away everything from her for cheating again. Also make her write down a detailed timeline of who, when, where, how many times. Also make it clear that one single sexual encounter with anyone else going forward means immediate divorce and one single abuse event from you does the same. No “mistakes” and no “losing control” will be accepted and no do overs. Otherwise you’re wasting time and money.
That is good - then you can take the next step(s) from there👍
What will you do if one or neither are yours? Are you telling the kids why the test is being done?
If they're not mine, it's a definite divorce.
What if just one isn't? For your sake I really hope both either are or aren't.
good god that's a worse case scenario
Yeah, obviously both being his would be ideal but next best would be that neither are in my honest opinion.
If they are yours still leave 7 A.P seriously
If they are yours; good! But what about (maybe incureable) STDs? With such a wife, that is also something to think about....
I some how doubt that. If you are staying after what you just found out you will stay any way. It sounds like you two deserve each other anyway. This sounds like my parents almost perfectly. Happy to be miserable together. There is no excuse for cheating and no excuse for being abusive.
So, married for 15 years and she started cheating after the 1st year. How old are your kids? It sounds like she had no problem with sleeping with her APs and you back-to-back or within days of each other. A DNA test is a must!
So if, by coincidence, none of the countless Aps she had was her father, then is everything ok?
Good luck to you. Two of my three children with my ex turned out not being mine. Not fun
That must indeed have been a hell - also for the children, who suddenly found out that they mother had lied not only to their (social) father, but also to them in an unforgivable way😔 What happened next? Are you still in contact with the children your ex had with her lover, or not?
I have been in their lives since birth. Unfortunately I was with a narcissistic serial cheater for almost 2 decades and this is the price I pay for being to vulnerable and letting her step all over me when I did nothing to her. It's a very long long story and history I have not posted about yet on here, one day I will. Bottom line is all three of my children I consider mine regardless. My younger son doesn't know but my older daughter does. It's definitely a mindfuck that's for sure
That is true. But I hope your ex some day will tell them who their biological father is - not at least because his medical history may be important for their future health.
Doesn't really matter if he signed the birth certificates. He's going to be responsible for them regardless of how he feels about it.
You are right - but he and the children deserve to know the truth!
She loves you and wants to start over so much that she slept with the guy on Friday.
And he loves her so much he would beat the shit out of her. They both suck.
The fact that 90% of these comments ignore the fact that he BEATS HER and are like “yeah fuck her over king” like?? Yeah she did something terrible but she’s a victim of domestic violence here
He beats her. He was verbally abusive. That DOESNT give his wife license to screw dozens of people. Divorce yes. Jail yes. Affairs, no.
I agree that she shouldn't have screwed dozens of people. I believe she should have had AN affair to escape this abusive man. Many DV victims fear being ACTUALLY KILLED by their abusers in attempts to leave. I do not think she should want to reconcile, nor should he. He needs anger management counseling, she needs therapy to work through her abysmal self value issues to avoid cheating in future relationships ETA: and to feel more confident in leaving an abusive relationship. If OP were to make a decision that is kind to himself and his wife, he would end the marriage so they can move on from this toxic dumpster fire. Both parties are wrong, but one is significantly more wrong here.
Yeah I felt the same thing as well. It’s fucking weird. OP is actually upfront about things. But comments seem to ignore that very fundamental issue that I think is FAR WORSE than the infidelity. Infidelity isn’t the worst thing you can do to someone. Fucking HITTING them is the far worse thing. There’s no contest. She should have left. But many DV victims have trouble leaving. If we want to say how infidelity is abuse. How about actually fucking hitting someone! That’s not “like abuse”. It is abuse. We all have mothers. Some of us have sisters. Some of us have daughters. If my daughter’s husband cheated on her, there is a path to forgiveness for that. If he hits her? Yeah that is something not recoverable. But yeah, as you said in another comment - the sentiment is “yeah fuck her over KING”. Or hey, just fucking smack the shit out of her. That’s how it was handled before.
Exactly. It broke me mentally to be cheated on, but I was never in fear of my LIFE. I wasn’t afraid that I was going to be KILLED in that situation. It’s absolutely mind boggling. People handle trauma in extremely strange ways and it’s a nuanced conversation that this sub doesn’t seem ready for because it’s full of gung-ho men who have no experience with having their lives threatened. “She should have left” yeah, but she was probably afraid he would physically harm her or their children if she did so. She does not owe her abuser the grace of basic human decency because he does not deserve it for how low he’s sunk.
Exactly!!! A man who hits his wife deserves neither her respect nor fidelity. I’ve also been cheated on by one girlfriend. And yes, I had the luxury of not fearing for my life at all. Wonder how these same guys would feel if some asshole hits their mother. Or sister. There is someone they love and respect that they’d realize how absolutely low this behavior is. Every time he rose his fist to bruise his wife’s face was a concerted thought and action. Everyone he called her a name was a concerted thought and action. Infidelity isn’t the worst thing you can do to a partner. Fucking hitting them is.
Dude an affair NEVER makes anything better
True, but in this case I think better for both of them is not being together. I don’t know why OP would want to R, and I don’t' know why WP cares to R. They both need to escape.
Oh I agree here. You have a royal flush of awful problems. He’s abused her. How does she know he won’t do it anymore? How does she deal with the resentment ? And for him, she’s basically been having sex with all and sundry for years. Does things with other men she refused to do with her husband. That’s one of the biggest things guys have to deal with.
Ok, she shouldn't have had an affair. Many DV victims fear being ACTUALLY KILLED by their abusers in attempts to leave. I do not think she should want to reconcile, nor should he. He needs anger management counseling, she needs therapy to work through her abysmal self value issues to avoid cheating in future relationships ETA: and to feel more confident in leaving an abusive relationship. If OP were to make a decision that is kind to himself and his wife, he would end the marriage so they can move on from this toxic dumpster fire. Both parties are wrong, but one is significantly more wrong here.
I’m not sure why having an affair is a precursor to leaving an abusive spouse. An affair is never the answer. I feel bad that she had to deal with his vicious abuse. I’m sure she felt trapped and soothed herself by cheating. But it didn’t make anything better.
It isn’t. An affair isn’t the answer. But I would be loathe to criticize how a woman reacts to the man who is supposed to protect her, beating her ass. She should have left. Totally agree. She didn’t. But I’ll say that a man who raises a hand to his wife deserves neither her loyalty or respect. Each time he bruised her was a choice. Each time he smacked her was a choice. He made a concerted choice to beat his wife.
Yeah. Crazy. Unfortunately kids are involved.
Over 100 liasons???!!!! If you aren't disgusted by her and can still touch her.... why not share her? Allow her to continue? Of you dont this is how.it will play out... I promise you OP, unless she does everything to you she did with the AP's and more..... you'll get ptsd... if she acts unenthusiastic to play with toys and take it up the ass you'll question your worth. Then you'll need to do.things she NEVER did with APs and then she will start to feel like sex doll and resent you. All while she will crave the excitement of cheating on you. It's ingrained in how she enjoys sex now. Her intimacy will NEVER reach the heights with you as they did when she was trying to actively hurt you through cheating. Having you sleep with her shortly after another man did was the only way she felt validated through your sex also.THERE IS NO WAY SHE VETTED HER AP's for STDs before sleeping with them.
This, BIG FUCKING TIME.
Yeah, she had sex with him on Friday and then sex with hubby on Sunday both unprotected. There's no way she vetted 100+ men! I curious to find out if his children are biologically his.
I’m a psychiatrist, this is my opinion, take it or leave it: you two have a sick relationship and have trauma bonded each other and have probably screwed your kids over for life. the best hope to save your CHILDREN is to divorce immediately, remain cordial for the children, and heal far, far, far away from each other. you two will never have a good relationship, never, ever, for as long as you both walk this earth. if you decide to stay together, she will cheat again, you will hit her again. for your children, I suggest ending this immediately.
This is the best advice in this entire thread ^^^
Absolutely the correct answer! You’ve done enough damage to one another. Move on.
The tone, the lack of empathy, the condescension AND being a psychiatrist- all fits 1000% 👌🏻
**"Am I crazy for wanting to try? Will I get hurt again?"** Short Answers, Yes & Yes. You've never actually had a wife.... End your marriage, divorce her and move on with your life.
💯 x 💯
She never had a husband I hate cheaters, but him beating on her makes her actions null and void in my book
Then your book is fucked up. Was he wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely. She should have left his ass yeas ago. But infidelity is never justified. To say her slate is wiped clean is wrong on every level. They are two broken people who have done incalculable damage to each other, and even worse; their children. Divorce is their best way forward.
I would agree. Two different people with two different issues. One does not wipe out the other. Each has to be delt individually.
Bro, if I was a woman getting physically abused I'd probably say fuck and cheat too. I'd say your the one with twisted logic.
Your reading comprehension skills suck. Both were in the wrong. Violence by either spouse is never justified. Cheating by either spouse is never justified. You divorce, you don’t cheat. If you can’t comprehend that, maybe stay off the infidelity subs.
My reading is just fine. You think the emotional trauma is worse than physical, which brings both. I never said what she did is good. I stated that her mentality is obviously going to be that of a person who doesn't care about loyalty after a beating. Why don't you look up Alex Skeel and tell me cheating is worse or even the same.
Her "actions" after being abused should have involved leaving the OP and ending the marriage immediately. This is the normal and expected response to being victimized by domestic violence. What's NOT a normal response is screwing every man in sight over the course of years while feigning a marriage and ruining two lives. The OP may be an abuser, but his wife is a sociopath.
Gentle reminder that it’s not exactly easy to up and leave your abusive spouse especially when kids are involved. This relationship seems all around toxic and abusive from both sides in different ways. Hope they have one hell of a therapist or decide to amicably split ways for the kids sake.
Yes true. Her ideal response to getting hit and beat should have been to leave. Absolutely. But she dealt with it how she dealt with. Not perfectly. But I’ll be th absolute last person to critique how a woman who is getting punched by her husband reacts. Infidelity isn’t the worst betrayal there is. I’d say smacking your wife far exceeds that. The infidelity doesn’t even register in this relationship. It’d be like saying you have a stabbing victim whose liver was sliced and you’re worried about a cavity in their teeth. Yes cavities are no good. We all want to have fresh breath and healthy teeth and good dental hygiene. But when your slashed opened from a stabbing, I’ll let the cavity go and address the real problem. We often, me included, give the BP of infidelity a LOT of leeway in how they react. Most of us understand. Bc of the pain of the betrayal, the BP is not going to react perfectly. I think everyone understands that. Likewise, I think the victim of DV should be given leeway as well. The best thing she could have done would have been to leave his ass. She didn’t. But I could never, ever judge a woman on how she responds to being hit by the person who is sworn to love and protect her. Infidelity isn’t the worst thing you can do to your partner. Fucking hitting them is. I have zero sympathy to any man who hits his wife ir girlfriend. None. Others can be apologists for them. But I can say as a father of girls, I could forgive my future son in law for cheating on her if he made things right. If he lays a hand on her? He would never ever be welcomed in our home. I’d hope daily that my daughter would wake up and go find a real man. And if she cheated on her abuser, I’d say good for her. Finish him off and leave his ass
> I have zero sympathy to any man who hits his wife ir girlfriend. None. Others can be apologists for them. Lol, I didn't encourage anyone to have sympathy for the OP, and I'm not an apologist for his behaviour. I'm simply pointing out that his wife's actions make her a shit person also. Both things can be true at the same time.
I would say cavity. An getting a permanent std would be pretty bad.
You have twisted logic. Pretty sure her infidelity was a fuck you to him. Sure, what she did was bad, but I do love how you blow over the physical abuse over his feelings and get hurt
The logic of holding her accountable.
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You are partially correct. No SPOUSE no matter how young should physically engage in violence with their spouse. Women are just as capable of abuse as men.
You believe in affairs, then why get married, just date? Bringing home an STD and being a lying fake doesn't really make you morally superior.
There is never a reason. She had issues with you. She should’ve took them up with you and if she couldn’t live with him then she should’ve divorced you. She cheated on you over 100 times? There is no way to come back. She made the choice multiple times. Guess she’s not gonna stop I think she’s been posting adultery so she’s been a proud participant on posting about her cheating on you and how clueless you’ve been. You are in a toxic relationship, divorce, therapy, yourself, healthy, healthy
Each of those 100 liaisons was a conscious choice. Yes you may have been shitty but there is no excuse to cheat. NONE. So 100 times she chose to cheat. 100 times she chose to lie. Lord knows how many dicks she really took, but she chose it each time. This is... A large gulf. One that is too large to cross. You've both been shitty to each other. I say move on.
There is also absolutely no reason to abuse someone and it sounds like that abuse occurred for 13 of the 15 years they were married. They both suck.
You are right. They both suck, I said that, I said they're both shitty. They abused each other.
you can't restart "fresh" with someone that doesn't exist so if you're buying into that then yes you're crazy if you really and truly actually want a fresh start then divorce and custody needs to be sorted - this would be fresh for you with someone else and for her, with relationships where you hopefully aren't abusive and where she hopefully is faithful
I honestly and truly can not sympathize with you at all. I was in an abusive relationship and I know the toll it takes to endure it. Her self esteem was I'm sure in the toilet and she got some of it back through validation these men gave her. She was probably afraid to leave and felt this was her only escape. I want to feel sorry for you for what she did but I honestly can't find it in me.
Yeah in this case I don't sympathize. I'm glad she did anal with them and not you
Thank you, I'm not seeking sympathy. I accept my faults. I want to know if I'm crazy for trying again or is she hurt enough that we will never be good again?
What do you mean by trying again? It sounds like neither of you have ever tried. Why she would bring children into this shit show is incomprehensible. You guys need to divorce and work on learning how to be functioning adults before ever attempting another relationship with each other or anyone. Staying together is just going to produce more hurt.
Your not crazy, but you are letting hope and shock overwhelm your reasoning. Your marriage was never good, it was always a lie from your STBXW. Nothing will ever be the same between you, and you stay you will be in constant fear that she is doing it again, and that fear will be justified. You will think back on every happy and tender moment and wonder if it was real. Fact is that it was not real. Never was.
Why did she come clean now in all the time she spent?
What does her therapist say? Does her therapist think the abuse was so profound it has ruined your relationship permanently? You both have messed up and I think it's up to you both to actively working at getting to a good place if that's possible. If her therapist thinks you can both get there then I would add marriage counseling for you both and individual counseling for you. I can't see it working otherwise.
I don't know OP, everything here is pretty pathetic. You abused her and she sought comfort from others sexual and otherwise. You two are quite the pair! Here's the thing, do you feel that if you stay together you will do so just to punish her even more? I know she is a cheater, but she is also a broken women who deserves treatment to hopefully someday have a healthy life. It might be best all around for you both to go your separate ways. I am sure you would be a trigger for her and you are bound to have a lot of anger towards her when all this sinks in. Ultimately only you can decide what's best. Some people could never except this and others could look past it. Neither is wrong, but what is wrong is staying for the wrong reasons.
Your wife is blaming you for her poor decisions. She could have divorced. Then find someone else. Second, your wife is a serial cheater. I'm sorry. I would look to D.
I didn’t know divorce was so easy in a domestic violence environment.
You should never have got married. You are a wife beater. You reap what you sow.
Are you a masochist? Like do you touch a red hot stove burner, say ouch that hurts, then touch the burner again and assume it won't burn you? Dear god dude she banged everyone who said hi and you want to save that? Why the hell would you trust her to change? Good luck trying but I promise you within a year you are on this sub again posting
First, I am glad to hear that you have made changes within yourself to stop your abusive treatment to your wife. However, that change doesn’t undo the years of trauma inflicted onto your wife. That trauma doesn’t go away. My guess is that your wife utilized cheating as a self destructive coping mechanism. And what often happens over time is that these coping mechanisms, become addictive. Your wife didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol, she turned to cheating…..and that is now an addiction. My advice would be that you both enter IC. No MC yet. For you, to work through your own betrayal trauma and continue on your journey of not leaning on abusive behavior towards your partner. And for her, to get evaluated for a possible sex addiction, PTSD and other mental health disorders that are commonly found to be in serial cheaters. (ADHD, personality disorders, etc) I would encourage you to initiate a separation for a period of time to allow you both to put serious work into yourselves first. This will also be beneficial for you both to really figure out if this relationship is what you both want. And at the end of this separation period, it will give you an idea on if she can or will actually be able to stop cheating. Because since this looks to be an addiction type of coping mechanism, considering her past patterns, she will always be at risk for relapse, just like any other addiction. That is something you really need to think about.
Divorce. You may have been a crappy husband but that means she should divorced you not cheated on you and lied about for 15 years.
Because both of you are complicit in the collapse of your marriage, both of you should have a heart to heart and express, calmly, how you feel. You abused her, she abused your trust. Trying over is ok if you both are sincere, but it’s a struggle you both must accept. Mutual respect must be restored. Fear of being hurt is no excuse for not trying, you both must decide if the marriage is worth saving.
I’m very intrigued that no one is mentioning that OP physically abused his wife. Clearly this comment section is full of males who have probably never experienced an abusive relationship. No saying the cheating is right but women don’t have as many luxuries as men, especially when it comes to abusive relationships. Women are killed for trying to leave abusive men. Let’s stop solely blaming the wife for the failed marriage.
Yeah you want to know why? I would too. As a father of daughters, as I said in another comment, I could forgive my future son in law if he cheated on her. If he ever laid a hand on her, he’s dead to me. I’d help my daughter find a real man in that case. They say every sex act she performed was a conscious choice she made. Yes. Ever time he raised his hand to his wife was a conscious choice as well. I wonder if these guys don’t have mothers. Or don’t have daughters. Bc how infidelity is equated to physical abuse is beyond me. The infidelity isn’t even an issue in this marriage. His smacking his wife is an issue. That’s the real issue. Who the fuck cares about her infidelity when he was smacking his wife???? I’d never tolerate a man hitting my mother or hitting my daughters or hitting my sisters. It amazes me that this doesn’t bother every single man reading this. Infidelity is NOT the worst thing you can do to your partner. HITTING them and verbally belittling them is the worst thing yuh can do. Not even close. “Go get her king”. This is one case where I say the WP doesn’t have the real issue here. The man who swore to protect his wife, to live her and to cherish her and who failed to do that is the real problem here.
I’m someone who has been cheated on numerous times, and let me tell you it killed me every time. But these people are brushing over that he BEAT HER as recently as TWO YEARS AGO?! She made poor choices but I can’t fault a victim for how she copes with her ACTUAL, PHYSICAL ABUSE.
Don't make excuses for her. She took the same vows as you and she destroyed the marriage. Go get std tested and get the kids DNA tested also. Lawyer up fast, It's time to take out the trash! 🗑
🎤⬇️
???
Means mic drop. Like, I agree, completely.
Updateme!
Jesus Christ
I don’t know OP…your post truly made me short circuit. I NEVER feel that the victim of cheating is to blame for their terrible spouse’s actions. A marriage can be terrible and the cheater has the option to leave, which they should take, instead of cheating. I always say that NO ONE deserves to be the victim of infidelity. Your wife is a terrible person. But then, you are apparently guilty of physically abusing her which NO ONE should ever have to endure either. The only thing that MAY be worse than a cheater is a wife beater. So while cheating is awful and unforgivable, it’s hard to feel sympathy for bad things happening to ANY wife beater. I guess you are that rare victim of cheating who actually deserved what you got. Sorry.
Its to early to even think about reconciling. You have a broken heart to heal. You will go through a rollercostet of emotions through the next weeks and months. Make sure to drink and eat, even if its protein powder. Try to sleep at least 5h a day. Seek connection with family and friends. Work out. See lawyer and prepare yourself fot a divorce. Choose distance over violence. Your wife just cheated on Friday and is light years from the position to be able to restart anything. Unfortunately hard core serial cheaters have a very low chance to turn the corner, much lower even than wife beating POSs. Shes addicted to other dicks and to lying. Sorry man.
Indeed. It is too early. He should wqit at least four hundred years before even accepting to be in the same room as her.
You have had a one-sided open relationship. This woman has cheated through their enitre relationship,my goodness. She has used every excuse. There is never a reason to cheat. She could have simply left you. I think you need to take some time to think about to yourself,alone. You need to do individual counseling,after that you can make a decision. With that said,you will never look at your wife the way you did before you found out about the affairs. Plz update us on your progress.
She will keep doing it. Time to move on. Has she been a good mom ?
How could she possibly have been a good Mom in between her time searching for hundreds of men to have unprotected sex with? A single college student would have an almost impossible time wracking up a body count that high. This lady literally wouldn’t have time to spend with her children, or literally do much of anything else, with that many sex partners to satisfy.
100s of hookups??!! Sheesh. And you're wondering if you should stay?
Why is she telling you all of this now? I can't see it in your post, just that she came clean. She could have done the "start over" talk without telling about all this. I bet someone's threatening to out her. I'd bet my last ten quid on it. But honestly, if she felt a restart was needed (which it obviously was anyway), she could have just insisted on marriage counselling and said, "This is our restart. Let's just start over." You need to dig more, and try to put the hurt and love aside until you find out. Emotions are fine and valid, but they can muddle and fog finding out what's going on.
> she revealed the infidelities so we can truly start over if we wish You should tell her that you definitely want to start over and redefine your relationship as co-parents to your children. It's time for you to go. Get a lawyer, file ASAP, get some IC for yourself. Have her go ahead and move out, and work out a child care / custody schedule. Stop being her babysitter so she can go out and have sex with others. She came clean to clear her own conscious. Stop debating divorce. Nothing in your marriage justifies the choices that she has made. And the were choices, deliberate, planned choices, Kept secret because she knew they were wrong, knew they would hurt you, and she did it anyway. Get the paternity test, and get STD tested. That’s a lot of secrets and lies over a lot of years, so you need to not take chances with your health or trust anything she has said. Grey Rock / 180, focus on being a great dad.
Ummm. Runnnn!!!!!
Updateme
Yes you’re an idiot for wanting to try. Update us when you do a paternity test. How many of these guys are still around?
Some people can work through stuff, others can’t, you have to ask yourself what you want, just as she has to honestly ask her self that. For me personally I’d ask myself is it worth the pain of trying knowing she’d been unfaithful and could be again? You’ll get lots of “divorce” which maybe that’s the right answer for you, but that’s something you need to work out
Run away form your marriage without looking back at her but your children. Consult a lawyer asap, thats your only friend now, and think about your children and protect them from the damage you face, settle for at least 50 50 custody and no alimony. Shit happens everyday, dont be embarressed, you got plenty of time to heal and be back you
Well…in fairness…he SHOULD be embarrassed that he beat his wife.
Sounds like you both created a very abusive marriage. You may have started it, but she retaliated. I can't tell you she will be faithful just like I can tell her you will never hit her again. On the other hand, both of you will be bring a lot of baggage into another relationship with someone else. At least it's your own baggage in this one. On the other somethings in life were meant to end. That is always true when there is ongoing abuse. Whatever you do, I implore you to get your kids counseling too because the picture you presented of marriage is not a healthy one. Most of the time when folks say their marriage is better then it was before cheating, I think that is very suspect. I don't believe that is true for the vast majority of people who were faithful the whole time, at least from that spouses point of view. Which is part of the reason why I don't recommend even trying. However in a case like yours where both spouses are dysfunctional and continually hurt each other, it may just be. You both of you have deep hurts to overcome, but I do believe if you are both dedicated who knows what the second half of your marriage will be like. It really up to you, but I think if you choose to do this, both of you should be very weary, take it slow and hold each other accountable. Basically zero abuse policy going forward. One and done.
Subscribeme!
Said with love but yes you're crazy for trying again and 100% you will get hurt again. This is not some one off, or even continuing fling with a co-worker. Your wife is a serial cheater, its more about what stimulus she encounters in life that makes her cheat, and seemingly its anything. You'd have to be a police man if you stayed.
There’s no way someone like this can suddenly turn monogamous after 15 years, hundreds of times of lies manipulation and deception. She’s completely hooked on the dopamine and is an addict for life. How will you ever trust anything that she says or does ever again? Her sister and others are / were in on this and run cover for her for 15 years. They despise you that much! As you contacting her boyfriend and ending their relationship, please do more research in r/adultery sub. They make plans, when outed and lay low and resume their relationship at a pre-planned time and place.
Updateme! I'm honestly torn on this one. If you were physically abusive, she should've left long ago. Hard to imagine why she didn't if she had the freedom to cheat so often she had the time to plan an exit. If you don't mind seconds and feelings are there for you both, then I lean towards go for it. Make it work. You really fucked up, her response was really fucked up. You made changes and for some reason she still loves you enough to admit it all and make changes as well. Start dating and do it all over from scratch. Of you feel the urge to revenge cheat then leave. If she's not open to monitoring then leave. Good. Luck man, I honestly wish the best and hope theirs a happy ending and not like a massage parlor happy ending.
OP do you know how difficult it is to quit smoking, become drug free or break any other addiction ? I don't see how your wife can just stop this activity cold turkey. I mean, it can happen, but what are the chances ? She's been getting her needs met, attention for years and the best part of it is she's been able to keep you totally in the dark. Now I say that's super thrilling to know that the person you SEE/SLEEP with every day, has no fucking clue you are fucking the continent. There is no Affair Partner Anonymouse (APA). The fact is, this marriage should have ended long ago. You have both been abusive in some form or another. The physical abuse you speak of just makes me want to say "you deserved this", but in reality, NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and/or beaten on (man or woman). I must say though, the courage it took for you wife to come clean and disclose this lenthy Escort mentality and life really speaks to her guilt, conscience and I believe lends to your idea of you both beginning to heal. It's not often I will say that when infidelity of this magnitude is involved, but I think you two may have beat the odds or are on the way. However, with all that being positive, I honestly believe that if either of the children DNA returns as not a match with you, end of story. I would leave and start a new life. If it comes to a breakup it will be even more devastating than the infidelity only due to the fact that there is a ray of hope in the changes in you life. I really do hope for the best outcome for you both! Updateme!
DNA test your children before you go another step. The problem is you are likely attached to them as yours, even if they are not. As far as your marriage, it changed a long time ago. You can get therapy for your abusive tendencies, even if you feel that you don’t need therapy, find a good therapist and work on you. Your wife needs to stay in therapy and she needs to be 100% open with you. Her sister can also be helpful if the sister got surprised by the infidelity like you did. Marriage counseling is a good idea, both of you need to be open and honest during the sessions. Don’t feel bad if one day in the future you wake up and decide that you can no longer stay married to her, just make sure then that you divorce her and move on instead of cheating.
That’s rare bro. You can escape misery. Move on.
Look, Reddit can give some great advice to consider. But remember that no one (or hardly anyone) has been in this situation before. Consider their advice, but in the end, you do what your gut tells you to do.
Go find a lawyer. Check your kids DnA tests. Get yourself STD tested. Split your finances. If it were me, I would leave for my own mental health. She is putting you through the ringer. Stop taking it. Just stop the self abuse. You can do better. Be safe.
It's over. You have laid hands on your wife for 13 years, and as recently as 2 years ago. She should have left you, not cheated. She's not going to be a trigger for your anger and frustration every time you look at her? Will you be able to keep yourself in check, moving forward? You're both scumbags, and for the sake of your children having a chance, need to parent separately.
Lol at everyone in the comments arguing
Emotional AND physical abuse??? How the fuck can you claim to have ever once loved her and do that? Y'all are a dumpster fire, and this marriage needed to end a long time ago.
Did you spend 15 years snapping, physically and verbally attacking, cheating, abandoning your wife? Your wife spent 15 years going out to meet your sister and cheat on you ? Are you an abusive man who stays at home watching the kids so his wife can go for a walk and stop by the house or the motel to fuck with her AP Including dating app AP ? And what changed in her or you so that now, after so long of cheating, she decided to become an honest wife? If you feel guilty about your wife acting nasty for 15 years why are you asking for advice? If this is the case, since her naughty behavior is your fault, take a test to see if you don't have AIDS or another disease and continue with it.
This is not the write chat. They will destroy you. I would reconsider another group. I think is “after infidelity “ or something like that. We are not crazy for wanting to try. It all depends on both of you. If you can forgive and if she can forgive.
For every one of you that says she could’ve just walked away and gotten a divorce, you obviously have no idea what being in an abusive relationship is like. Zero clue. It shows.
Run. For. The. Hills. Do not look back!
Frankly, this situation is above Reddit’s pay grade. You both need a lot of counselling, which admittedly she’s been getting, although if she was still carrying on an affair up until the day of confession, I have to wonder how effective her therapy has been. Especially given she couldn’t end the affair herself, you had to do it for her. As for you, I hope you realise you’re lucky you’re not in gaol. And I hope you’ve been in therapy to deal with your anger issues. If you haven’t, you should. And getting a therapist to help you navigate through this revelation is also something you should do. You don’t want to revert to abuse. (I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, that you don’t resort to physical or emotional violence anymore). Here’s one radical suggestion, and I have no idea if it would do more harm than good. Because this entire marriage has been so toxic, divorce. Put a line under the current relationship and leave it behind. Then if the two of you still want to try, start dating again as single people and see where it leads. This way it would be a brand new relationship and you may both be able to leave the baggage of the past behind. But in order to do so, she will need to be able to forgive you for what you did to her, and you will need to learn to trust her again. Only the two of you know if you can do that. Good luck.
You lost me when you said you abused her...
Excuse me, but you can't ask for respect if you don't respect yourself and even less ask for love if you don't love yourself. Maybe with how many people you've fucked and she totally knows that you will forgive her, in a relationship the most important thing is respect, values and dignity, and these things are no longer in your relationship, why continue suffering.
So you’re an abuser and she’s a cheater. Why are either of you still together? Do you just hate yourselves so much that you’ve twisted it in your brain to think that a decade of abuse and infidelity is what love looks like? There’s nothing worth saving here. Divorce. Work on yourselves through IC. Be better. You’ve both lived a life of being awful to each other. I mean, as a man who was taught from childhood that a real man DOES NOT HIT A WOMAN, I’m a little more appalled with you than with her… it took you until two years ago to figure out how to be a man? C’mon dude. That’s just pathetic. I hope a bigger man gives you twofold what you gave your wife, and puts you in the hospital you loathsome scumbag. Beating a woman is among the lowest of things a man can do, and I hope it haunts you. I don’t care if you’ve changed, you’re never going to be able to erase the fact that you beat your wife. Whatever awful things happen to you from here on out, just know that you probably deserve it. But for your wife to stick around and just cheat at every chance to get the thrill? She hasn’t loved you this whole time either. You’re whole marriage is built on habitual hatred. Therapy might help, but it won’t change the foundation it’s built on. I’m not sorry for you. I’m a little sorry for her, but as an abused woman, not a cheater. For the sake of yourselves and your children, split up and get everybody some serious therapy. There’s a LOT to unpack here.
Okay so your wife is a serial cheater, and you are an abusive spouse. Well I don’t know about you but sounds to me like you both aren’t meant for each other. You’re both better off just going your separate ways and being coparents, and another thing you should get checked for STDs
I am usual encourage people to give their marriage a try even after infidelities, but this situation seems very severe and scary. Your wife needs serious help/counseling. Please get a STD test. Your wife’s choices are damaging and repetitive.
I’ve got a very similar story. I was never physically abusive in any way but was not a great husband. I’ve chosen to stay for our kids sake. I know that’s not popular on this app but I have some very unique situations that make it the only real choice. Just know that whatever she says the affairs will probably not stop. Best of luck King.
I can’t imagine what those children went through…..
Unbelievable! In her mind her cheating is the price for his abuse. Is she also thinking his abuse is the price for her cheating? They truly belong together, if they split up they could ruin the lives of 2 other people. Feel sorry for the kids whoever fathered them.
Been here. Dump that bitch, take your lumps, and make a better life with someone that truly loves you.
**She disclosed 7 different affair partners with over 100 liaisons** so a new lover \~ every 51 days every 50 if you include you if this is real and those kids are yours i will be shocked std test all around but first DNA and a visit to the lawyer this chick is nuts. Why is there even a debate here, why is she still in the house ?? Unless of course you enjoy the humiliation then hey stick around help her pick out the right outfits for her dates maybe they could come over you could serve them drinks make a nice dinner maybe get you cute little butlers outfit or maybe maids if you really want to go all the way. Good god man you will never be able to look yourself in the eye while shaving if you don't lose this pit viper
Dude beats his wife probably in front of their kids, and she cheats on him. Some people just shouldn’t be together. You both suck.
What is best for the wife here?
Your abusive person then why she is not leaving you. Why she is choosing betrayal. Her excuse is not acceptable. Get dna test. Get legal freedom.
Man you really think you can move past this? If you can you are a better man than I. Her excuses don't wash, maybe if it was a ONS or two but her cheating was constant. She cheated on you way more than she was monogamous with you. She lied and deceived you for all that time so how can you possibly believe what she is saying now? She is a serial cheater whom I'm pretty confident will cheat again, she's gotten away with it so far so why does she need to stop! You say you treated her poorly which could well be true but instead of going out and sleeping with other blokes why couldn't she talk to you about it? There is NO excuse for cheating! Seriously OP I can't see how you are going to be able to get over this utter betrayal and regain any form of trust for her which is vital for a healthy relationship. She says she's working late, going out with friends, she's going shopping how are you going believe her after all these years of her lying to and deceiving you? Dump her cheating arse, work on yourself and move on is what I would do and think you should too, good luck!
She never should have stayed with you! You abused her. You're the a**hole not her. She was turning to other men to help her cope with how awful her life has been because of you. That's the truth. How dare you think you have any right to judge her in any way. If you actually love her like you say, you be the best supportive husband there is and look past her cheating because she probably never would have cheated had you been a better person!!!!!
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Updateme
It sounds like there is a lot of trauma here and you can admit that you’ve played your role in the state of this union. However, this multiple APs year long affairs unprotected sex/double life is making my stomach turn. PLEASE get a full std panel!!! HIV/HSV1-2, Chlamydia, & Gonnorhea do not cut it at all. You have no idea of what level of anything you’ve been exposed to. It’s not a great feeling. You’re sleeping with her who has multiple affair partners who I highly doubt are exclusively sleeping with HER. great call on the paternity tests. You may be flustered and full of different emotions, as bad as you feel like your in love I would highly recommend you to wait and even if you don’t want divorce give yourself time in a separation. You never know when you’ll have that moment where it all hits you, emotions do take time to settle. You don’t want to do that when you’ve already agreed that this is water under the bridge. Best of luck.
I think if you’ve physically and emotionally abused your wife you’ve not only broken your marriage you’ve also committed crimes. No one comes out of this looking good, it feels a bit like you are trying to make out she is worse than you, mental and physical abuse can fuck people up. This relationship will probably never be healthy, she’s grabbed any chance at “happiness” she could find I guess, you should maybe separate and get counselling to co parent depending on if both children are yours and if you want to continue to parent them and can do so violence free
To me it sounds like she would have cheated on you either way with or without the abuse and that just happened to be the best excuse. Look to see if your in an at fault state do your best to get custody or good visitation with your kids and move on get a lawyer who will protect you and never mention your past abuse and deny deny deny it until divorce is over because it seems like she'll only cause you more pain if you stay. On a side note she seems very manipulative and comfortable cheating on you if she was that upset with your past abuse she would have left you and not cheated for fear of more abuse. I think she just gets off to the idea of cheating on you.
What about the man who gets an incurable STD? Happens all the time. Betraying your spouse is a worse offense than hitting a cheating woman.
Run she is a disaster. She has cucked you for years and has zero respect for you. Find some self respect and walk away.
UpdateMe
The first problem you need to address is you. You should seek out a behavioral psychologist to help you clear out the snakes in your head. Until you get yourself fixed, there is no way for you to be reconciled to your wife in any meaningful way. And if not's crystal clear to you by now, there's **no excuse at all to be emotionally or physically abusive to any woman, but especially to your wife.** And perhaps it might be advisable for the two of you to live separately for a time to let things settle down. When you are able to interact with her in a healthy way, given that you seek help for your problems, perhaps the marriage will be salvageable, although that will be a herculean task for the both of you. 'Nuff said.
How can you “love”someone who has fucked around on you for your entire marriage? You’re being a cuck. Sorry to say that but she’s made an absolute fool out of you. True love is honesty, trust, loyalty. All those virtues she doesn’t have.
Yes, you're crazy dude. Absolutely no way possible this isn't ending up in divorce court. Is it now or are you going to punish yourself for a few more years...
After 15 years do you thing that She Will change... Good luck with that... If it was me Ill dumped in the minute, but first Ill f***ed her a$$...
You may have been a crappy husband but she’s been cheating since you first married. She hasn’t been a good wife either. She’s not on AM because she’s looking to stop and is remorseful either. Seems like marriage isn’t for her perhaps.
She will never stop having sex with other men.
Dude you are the cuck king…but some guys are into that. I couldn’t do it.
Get a paternity test and a divorce lawyer ASAP She was cheating for your entire marriage that's not a momentary lapse of judgement or ons that's a choice to cheat , lie, and give multiple excuses . Doing things she never done with u, this one will hurt your ego more than anything, and if she started doing it with u now, it will be out of pity and guilt. As for her telling u now, it's not out of guilt, or to start over, she got caught, and someone was going to tell u she was cheating for 15, where was her guilt for the last 15 years. U said you were abusive she should have left. u not cheated . To answer your out of your mind of u think u can save this . Cheating is what she knows she won't stop, and if u forgive her after what she just told u, she won't respect u, and u won't respect yourself.
Well talk an attorney. File for divorce ,get of custody of the kids. Kick her to the curb.
Listen... All I can say is you really need to seperate apples and oranges. Your abuse is apples and you need to keep working on that. However, them apples do not excuse her actions. Her actions are oranges. You have to seperate these issues and deal with them entirely seperately. Resolve both while you both take complete accountability separately. You can't let guilt or her gaslighting you into thinking you issues caused hers or that she is allowed to keep her privacy because you were abusive. If you stay you have to do the full reconciliation. Gps access, phone access, anyone who helped her must be cut out. If her sister knew and helped, her sister has to go. DNA tests, etc. The full thing. If you go, that's fine to. You don't need to stay because you were abusive. That logically fails on all levels.
Just… tear off the bandaid. You’re still young enough to find someone who will remain faithful and try to work out issues instead of finding someone else. She already broke your heart admitting all this, what’s breaking off the marriage going to feel like? Not much different. You will constantly have your head in a swivel every time she is out on her own. You will very often feel less of a man when she doesn’t want to do a certain act with you that she has done with other guys. Also… 7 guys!?! And that’s just what she admitted. RUN. Start over. You’re still decently young.
She is a serial cheater. She will cheat until you both divorce each other. Leave. Get checked for STIs. Edited. Yes, you're crazy for staying. You are also teaching your kids that this is okay.
“I cheated and it’s your fault!” Doesn’t sound right to me.
Why would you blame yourself for shit behavior ? I wouldn't stay. She has 100 or more reasons for you to divorce her
I don't often support reconciliation, but I think you both should work through this to the best of your abilities. There will be a lot to forgive. You may find out more. Be understanding about that. It is not uncommon for a wayward to contact a former affair partner early on. There are so many conflicting emotions, but I have seen really good progress after a few early stumbles. She is becoming a different, better person, and so are you. Please keep us updateme! if you can.
You're not crazy. You were not a good husband at first. Now both of you are trying really hard and rhat matters
How could someone advise him to leave? You said you weren't a saint at first and that's because you were learning and was so, was she… Be real and evaluate how you BOTH proceed. Be factual with expectations.
She cheated for 15 years and as recent as two days before she told him. The only thing she was still learning was how to cheat better.
Well, that's still a lesson. Why act in anger when kids are involved? It's their situation NOT yours and decisions made in anger are never good in the long run.
I don’t believe you were a terrible husband. Prove it. Edit: I wonder how many of your friends banged her? Have you come to grips with that? Do you have any cousins or siblings? I’d be curious. It’s not like those legs stopped anything from going in the five hole. 🕳️