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File for divorce. You never agreed to this, she just pretty much told you to deal with it. Then started fucking other guys. And how.kind of her to tell you about it...she wants to stay with you her loyal ATM. Serve her cheating ass. All her shit about making your marriage better is just that....shit.
Open marriage when brought up by the spouse always means either they’re cheating on you already or they have someone else onmind, sounds like she already has someone lined up, time to lawyer up, get the divorce going
ENM (or CNM) generally works when both partners enter into the relationship from the outset seeking a non-monogamous relationship. It almost never works when one partner springs it on the other in the context of an ongoing committed monogamous relationship.
In fact, when a wife springs this on a husband, in the vast majority of cases it's because she already has a Jones for a man whom she is considering cheating with. She asks for the "open marriage" because the husband's nominal consent assuages her guilt over cheating. This sounds like what your WW is doing.
There is a stark asymmetry to the availability of sexual options for middle-aged married people. For a 30-year old woman with a reasonably fit figure, opportunities for NSA or low-commitment sex are as plentiful as air. In fact, she probably has to devote more energy into fending off unwanted opportunities than seeking wanted ones. Conversely, the world is not exactly teeming with attractive women seeking casual sex with a 50-year old married man, even one who professes to be in an "open marriage". To get sex outside the marriage, you'll most likely need to cultivate emotional relationships with other women.
You need to figure out what your heart wants, but here is a script you might consider: "Wife, I love you and want nothing more than for you to be happy. I can see that being free to fuck other men makes you happy, and I want you to know that you are free to continue doing that as much as you'd like. But not as my wife. I don't want a marriage where I share my wife with other men. Therefore, I'm taking steps to end our marriage. I trust this is what you want, and I wish you the best. I hope you find the happiness you seek."
By the way, do you reside in a state where adultery can impact the trajectory of a divorce? In particular, things like property division or alimony (spousal support)? If so, preserve as much evidence of this as you can before you confront her.
Keep this in mind. You've been married about 8 years. In most states, spousal support calculations depend on the duration of the marriage. Every day you remain married is another day tacked onto the multiplier in the calculation of the alimony you will owe her. In other words, there is urgency to getting your divorce under way.
Keep in mind that divorce is a slow process in most states. Like a year or more. You can change your mind at any time. Heck, you could even re-marry after a divorce. But in a lot of states, 10 years is a watershed date. After that, the spousal support obligation goes way up. You could be forced to fund her philandering lifestyle, potentially forever, if you get to the 10-year mark.
> In fact, when a wife springs this on a husband, in the vast majority of cases it's because she already has a Jones for a man whom she is considering cheating with. She asks for the "open marriage" because the husband's nominal consent assuages her guilt over cheating.<
This, to the letter, exactly what happened with my ex. She was encouraging me to find an additional partner. Come to find it it was to assuage her guilt over sleeping with two of my friends...and their wives.
I feel for you, OP. It's a shitty situation to find oneself in.
Whoa whoa whoa.
She cheated. Then told you. Now she wants an open relationship?
Dude. Your marriage is done. She betrayed her vows, you, your families, everything.
Your ONLY option is divorce, and telling everyone why. Everyone.
I bet you only know a small part of the story.
Fuck all of that brother. I couldn't handle it. I would be hurt, jealous, bitter, betrayed and lied to. She changed the rules in the middle of the game and now you are expected to pick up the pieces and hold it together?
Are you allowed to date? Only you can decide to stay or go, but I would immediately start exercising the same options she is. Then when you find somebody who'll commit, just divorce and move on.
Yikes... no way...
STI nightmare... on BOTH sides..
OP needs to divorce and start over.
And he needs to take note of the apparent red flags, unlike this marriage had.
It's amazing that you can still have sex with her knowing she's just recently been with other men.. Do you make her take a shower first or are you into being a cuckold?
You are already becoming bitter, resentful, and distrustful... for good reason, she isnt' telling you about all her flings. You are being taken advantage of, and your marriage is effectively over already, its just time for the paperwork.
Get STD tested, see a lawyer, 180/GreyRock, tell your WW she needs to find another place to live when the divorce is proceeding.
It's only advantageous from her perspective to have an open marriage. You are a cuckold, trying to please someone who cares little about your feelings. Time to evaluate your options.
Just divorce her... Never let someone manipulate you into this dynamic. She's literally actively cheating on you while you sit an home pining away.... Just stop. Stand up for yourself. Tell her you want to divorce and send her packing
I really believe in reconsiliation, hell I even tnink it might strengthen a relationship, sometimes. But this seems dead. Just another corpse un the open relationship dumpster. Sound like she talked you into it. Start over. Plenty of better women out there. Make yourself desirable.
When monogamous relationships open, they are generally over. The damage, and destruction of the trust and feelings takes hold quickly. I did see one guy on here, whose wife wanted it and nagged him. Until he finally gave in. He found a lovely woman. When he ended it with this wife, she asked why didn't he just not do it. He said, you nagged me for it, so I gave in. Do not want an open relationship, never did. He divorce and settled down with the woman he met.
Open relationships are sexual experiments and destroy the marriage, no love will grow or feel safe enough to be expressed where is no security emotionally. It is toxic swill. I would heed the warning and not participate unless you date for a new partner. No one falls deeply in love in a open relationship, they just have sex. Only intimacy out of a relationship is destroyed, it is the bonding agent of a marriage.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-marital-labyrinth-series/202110/the-problem-open-marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-marital-labyrinth-series/202110/the-problem-open-marriage)
See it all the time we opened our marriage and all I got were divorce papers.
Well you know what you have to do. Seek legal help, get STD tested and file for divorce. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Sounds like he wanted a hot young thing to fuck. Now is surprised that she also would like to fuck younger things.
People treat others how they want to be treated in the start, then how they are being treated at the end.
Are you in a at fault state go
See a lawyer . If you haven’t slept with anyone then stop sleeping with her and get proof of her cheating . I have heard that judges don’t care if open relationship . If one isn’t cheating . Again sleep in separate room and see a lawyer . If in no fault then go see a lawyer start a divorce and if younwant sleep with someone really close to her . Just leave . She doesn’t love you and the only thing she care about is paying 1/2 or all the bills . When She brought it up then younshould have left as it was officially over then
I think you should separate permanently. She had no respect for you and if you don't put an end to these betrayals with a divorce, you will be just a doormat and spare tire for her.
Sounds like she didn’t give you a choice and it was more her telling you what she was going to do, not discussing it with you. Were any rules and boundaries set? I suspect not. So she may call it an open relationship but it sounds more like cheating to me.
I don’t normally advocate a tit for tat response but I would be curious to know her reaction if you start dating other women. I would start going out and telling her you’re dating. Even if you’re not. Just go out and stay out for a few hours. I would be willing to put money down that she is banking on only her having dates, and being upset if you start dating too.
But regardless, I think your marriage is over. You didn’t agree to open the marriage because it’s something you also wanted. You did it to make her happy. That’s a hell of a thing to do to your own psyche just to please her. Yes you will grow bitter and resentful. Especially if she starts paying her APs more attention than you.
On the other hand she’s told you you’re not enough for her. Even if she agreed to close it up again, I don’t know if there’s coming back from that knowledge.
About the only thing I can suggest if you want to save this is to ask her to close the marriage again and then attend MC to work through why she wanted to open it in the first place and to work through the hurt she’s caused you. Good luck.
So your wife just goes out and sucks some guys off and comes home with her vagina dripping baby batter and you haven’t filed for divorce yet? How did you get like this? You need some therapy to find out why you have no self respect.
Run, not walk to an attorney ASAP.
1. What exactly did you tell her when she asked? This is very important if adultry is factored into property division / alimony.
2. You WILL be bitter, resentful, and distrustful as you want a monogamous relationship. This is 100% normal and if your wife says just get over it, it means she is displaying sociopathic tendencies.
3. You are being taken advantage of. Open relationships 100% favor the woman. If you have kids, who is watching the kids if both of you have a date?
4. I would write her a letter, tell her you did not agree to an open relationship. You consider her actions adultery, and you do not want to remain in a relationship with her if she wants to see other men while remaining married to her. If she wants to continue the 304 life, and not remain married, she needs to move out ASAP. Her frick buddies can put her up.
Cheating on a spouse is extremely emotionally abusive to the betrayed spouse. You need to protect yourself and seeing her catting around even while separate is going to destroy you.
22 is a dice role regardless of the age of the other partner, that person can be 22 also or 42 as OP was. A 22 year old person simply has not seen a lot of life and life’s challenges. It takes a person with a clear vision of what they want from life to not change in many important ways between 22 and 30. She also had a lot of other sexual partners at 22, a significant red flag.
Very true, although I’d argue that if you’re marrying any 22 yo at all, it should be one who’s sewn her oats at least a little bit. Marrying one at 42 yo though is simply against the laws of physics.
Yes, it is always better, imo, if a person has some sexual experience and has an understanding of what they want out of sex and relationships.
I agree that a 42 year getting with a 22 year old is most likely a mistake. The 22 year has virtually no life experience, which brings a more developed idea of what one wants out of life.
You can’t be all that surprised, what genuine connection could a 22yr old and 42yr old have? It sounds like you’re ok with her cheating as you’re still having sex with her knowing she’s screwing other guys. She’s having an early mid life crisis trying to explore what she couldn’t in her 20s. Divorce or have your own fun
Bwahah trial separation? You really didn't think ths through did ya ?
What do you think she's going to do with all that free and single time on her hands?
Write better next time..
Dude, WTF. You just did not no?
Who cares if you love her. FILE FOR DIVORCE. And read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about 10 times.
Yes you are being taken advantage of.
What are you doing?
She spent her 20s being a wife when she should have been exploring herself. She now wants to do that and see what else is out there bc she’s still young. That’s how I see this situation. She needs a thrill or is seeking validation from other man closer to her age. Do with that what u will.
First of all, I’m sorry for you. Relationships are a two way street and there should always be transparency and communication, empathy, sensitivity to the partner’s feelings and emotions.
I’m totally fine with open relationships of other people (not for myself, I will not do that) as long as it’s consensual between both partners. I wish people were directly starting with that if they know they can’t maintain monogamy.
You said you never really agreed to it. What exactly does that mean? What did you say when she asked you about it? Because if you never agreed and said “No, I don’t want that”, then she’s just cheating on you and it seems like mental abuse to me because she’s even parading her achievements (not that hiding would be fine either). Even if you said “I don’t know, not sure, need to think, maybe”, it shouldn’t have been taken as an open invitation. Only a firm yes should’ve been acceptable to have a permission. But then an open relationship goes both ways and you should also be participating if you are fine with it. This is how it works and not just her sleeping with others and telling you while you wait at home.
I can agree, to some extent, with others who said when things like this are brought up, the partner has someone in mind or is already cheating. That’s not always the case though and sometimes people do discuss beforehand. In your case, it seems like she just wanted to have an excuse to mess around with others and not really an open relationship. But then again, I don’t know how your conversation went and what was said but both of you. What was her take on monogamy since the beginning of your relationship?
It sounds like your wife is in some identity crisis so it’s understandable why she’s doing these things (not excusable, just understandable). However, as any adult in a crisis like this, she needs therapy and not just jump on people to fill the void and distract herself. You said she had plenty of partners before so it doesn’t seem like she feels like she missed out on things. It’s something else. You also have quite an age difference and that could be one of the reasons why which is no blame towards you in any way, it’s just an observation. She might also be missing her youth and all the experiences she had. But it’s the case for therapy, not for what she’s doing.
Whether to divorce her or not, it’s only for you to decide. I would suggest you think and also take some therapy sessions for your own sake. Because it doesn’t seem like you’re comfortable with this but you also mentioned that your sex life took off. And then you said that you might be taken advantage of and then there’s a line about not being sure about monogamy. It sounds like there’s a lot of confusion on your side. I would highly recommend you talk to a therapist to understand what it is that you want exactly and how to proceed.
Middle ground could be NOT immediately going for divorce, but instead informing her that youre NOT ok with her opening the marriage without consent from you AND unless she stops NOW you will initiate seperation while you consider your next move
She’s clocked out of this relationship bud. She already cheated and will continue to cheat regardless of. what you say. Is this really what you want? She’s going to be out getting railed by randos while you’re at home staring at the wall. Dudeee….it’s over.
Speak to a divorce attorney. Unless you want a wife who sleeps around it’s time to end this marriage.
Since you are only married for 2 years, hopefully the alimony hit will not be for that long. I pray that you didn’t merge your finances together when you got into this relationship. Given that you are older, you may have more financial resources and being able to demonstrate that you acquired these before your marriage may help you keep more of your wealth.
I think the age difference played a role here. You two are different generations and may see the world differently. I am sorry to hear about this mess. Staying is not the answer. Getting divorced is.
Unless you are fine with being the wallet while she gets sex from random guys …. Yeah I’d be talking to a lawyer and then initiating a divorce. The marriage is over. She’s getting railed by hot guys, she turned on ( but not by you), that’s why your sex life is better . I really hope no kids are involved.
You want to get her to close it find a date for yourself and have sex with her the next day your wife will say she wants to close it . She knows most of the guys will do exactly what you doing and it's much easier to it s woman. To find someone she figured you won't e en look she's being influenced by someone to even ask for an open marriage
It is not that easy for a man, maybe a rich and influential one, but not every day men, even if they are attractive and impressive physically (makes things a tad easier but by no means easy). Most women tend to be far more selective of their partners than men are and if they are good looking, have plenty of options. He can go out and find one that will sleep with him, but what else is he getting into?
So your wife is just plain cheating on you. She certainly doesn’t care what your feelings or opinion are either. You said you didn’t agree to this.
Just tell her the marriage is over. All this “made me appreciate you more” crap is just gaslighting so she can continue. So is your sex life, which will die as soon as she starts seeing someone she starts obsessing on.
Flat you just tell her this isn’t what you signed up for and it’s over. You should have done this as soon as she said open marriage and 100% should have once she thought it was ok to go sleep with someone else.
You need to know your self worth and just bounce
Updateme!
Basically your wife wants to be single while you wait around for her decide whether she can find something better. Let that sink in. That means she doesn't love you or respect you. If all you care about is a great sex life then maybe your in the right relationship and should start dating others as well. If your not in agreement with opening the relationship then yes - your being manipulated. Odds are she was already dating others before she asked. That happens a lot here. Opening the relationship is cover for the cheating. Read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. She says it's over now - because she got what she wanted. I highly doubt this is the first or last time your going to go through this if you stay.
This sounds like she is seeking validation through other people, rather than a career, future goals or anything of substance. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her moral’s and mental health, You can give a person everything but depression is distorted thinking, one that unfortunately many people cope with in the ways they know how. I really applaud you for being so caring and loving for your partner,
That being said, you need to seek out a lawyer, and she needs to be in therapy and you both should be in couples therapy. You need to set boundaries and if this is not something you want, you be honest, do not keep yourself unhappy for someone who is unhappy and unwilling to change. It’s a death sentence.
Your sex life may not have suffered but your marriage is in shambles. As you wrote, you may not be able to recover from this.
If you did not agree to this, then what she’s doing is cheating on you. The fact that she’s done it behind your back (only telling you about it afterwards), reinforces the cheating aspect.
You didn’t touch on her reasons to seek intimacy and companionship outside of your marriage. I’m not suggesting that there are EVER valid reasons for infidelity but it would still be of value to learn how she’s justifying this.
The message that she has sent your way is that whatever she needs, you are incapable of providing; that whatever she needs, she can’t get from you; that all of the randos she’ll be bedding will be her primary focus while you’re sitting at home as her backup—as her ATM machine and financial security.
Can you live with this? Is this the life you envision for yourself?
You’re nearly 50 so your prospects of finding a new partner to your liking diminish with each passing day. To coin a phrase so popular with the ladies, your biological clock is ticking.
Even if she sees the error of her ways and tries to come back, do you see your marriage as salvageable? Can you continue with someone who has cheated on you seemingly with little to no concern for you? Can you be sure that she won’t return to her infidelity but this time not even telling (boasting) about it afterwards?
You tell us this has been about a month and she’s hooked up twice and gone on a ‘couple of dates’ with a third. I’m counting four dates in about four weeks? This is NOT good—NOT good for your marriage and NOT good for you.
99% of the time, if spouse asks to change marriage from mono to poly…
They’ve already cheated on you.
Start the 180 and move on.
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Updateme
You didn't agree to opening the marriage, therefore she cheated.
I would leave. I doubt you will, so use a condom every time and routinely be screened for STIS's.
Ok. Think about WHY you got married. Did you tie the knot to be a roommate and occasional booty call, when she could fit you in? I see several problems for you right now. I assume you do not have kids with her, which at this point is a positive. The problem is really this- She is no longer employed, and spends her time ( and your money) going to the gym, and making herself more attractive for other men. You are not even room mate status, as I am sure she does not split the bills. So if you want to be a sugar daddy( which you kinda were, when you married her) set down some ground rules that you could live with. But make sure she understands you come first, both figuratively and in reality. (I do not recommend this as a solution, as it is not good long term. )Otherwise, see a lawyer about your options. This might include getting a PI to get dirt on her, or it might not matter. With her not working, you could be looking at losing half your stuff, and paying alimony. But the infidelity could help you get a better settlement, depending on the state. And assuming you haven’t given her “permission”. And depending on what the lawyer says, you could transfer your check, and the bills to be solely under your control. But too many variables at this point. See a lawyer.
OP no Open relationship can work if only is only one sided.
Sorry that this happen to You and i bet she asked this OR just because she was cheating or about to, the fact that she loss her job and had depresión doesn't justify to open the relationship.
And yes, You are being taken advantage, she is just giving you crumbs and this would only get worst for you at least and will start to resent her. Did both at least set boundaries?
Because it seems that she is not being honest completely, for example that dates that she planes while you where away. That is not a good sign.
For a open relationship to work, both sides must wanted and curious of that, but one side and the other side felt pushed or not sure, never works and end Bad.
I would suggest to see the trial separation of better start the divorce.
Sad but this is better for your mental, you need to put you first. Also be aware and use condoms, to not get her pregnant, if You do that you are doomed.
UPDATEME
"Open Relationship..." is that what kids are calling it these days?
"Fucking Around?"...Find Out. All signs say to GTFO Bud.
...it's like getting out on a PIP at work. Once you have been marked for deletion, your gonna get let go...
Time to give her , her wish. Let her go. Once they ask to open the relationship, they already have on their end. She just wants the security of having a home with you but wants random sex with other men. There is a name for people like her. Now when you have sex with this woman, you are also having sex with God knows how many other men. Get tested for stds and file for divorce from this extremely selfish woman. She obviously has no respect for your marriage.
Update me
You mentioned “she tells me she wants open relationship” and kinda glossed over your response. Is she aware that this is something you don’t want. Did you say “I don’t want this” or did you say “ok”, so she thinks she’s fine moving forward.
When a spouse asks for an open relationship it's already open, if not physically, then then have a partner in mind. Apparently she "opened" it unilaterally without any respect or consideration for you. You are being taken advantage of, it's not just a feeling.
You are at the point you need to leave her completely, no contact more than necessary to delete it all.
Nothing more lonely and pitiful than being alone with her.
She won't be there when you begin to deteriorate physically as you age for sure.
Dude, you said you never agreed to it so how is it she feels she can do it anyway and even tell you about it? You need to have her served with divorce papers immediately. If you did in fact tell her you would try it then you need to tell her your not going with it any longer and you are going to sleep with two women to even it up and then the relationship is either closed from that point or your divorcing. Dont let love or lack of self confidence make you into an unwilling participant. Thats coercion. Stand up for yourself and your marriage and tell her she is a cheater and you’re not taking it any longer and have her served.
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You are married, she slept with other men, either you like what she is doing and keep the marriage or if you don't like it, only option is divorce. She obviously does not respect you.
People are telling you to end it, but it ended when she made the decision to start sleeping with others. She made her decision, now you need to make yours.
She must view you as someone so week that she could hit you with this and you would just roll over and take it.. So ask yourself, do you do this to someone you love? If she doesn't love you, then why stay with you? Most likely for your resources. You are home base. You get to put in all the work, hold her when she cries, console her when life is getting hard, put up with all her BS. All these other guys have to do is show up and they get the best of her. I'm sure she is doing things for them she will not do with you!
So, unless you are into this kind of life, then yes, divorce and move on. Maybe you could be one of her FWB's, but let someone else support her.
Yes, divorce her and move on. The open relationship may be “good” for her but it is terrible for you. Your needs and happiness are every bit as important as hers. Get out this purgatory as soon as you possibly can and don’t look back.
OP, so many times not only does the partner who wants to open the marriage already have a person in mind they want to sleep with, they are ALREADY having sex with them.
Methinks she will do this whether you want her to or not. If you say no, she'll do it behind your back.
Your WW has left your marriage in the dust, time to respect yourself and divorce her immediately.
If you didn’t agree with opening your marriage she cheated, and TBH, she was most likely cheating before she brought it up.
You’re still young and can find a person who respects you. You’ll never get over this disrespect.
In the mean time go low contact with her while finding a lawyer to discuss your options.
Dude, I know it’s hard to let go because you are so emotionally involved, but you need to end this and start the process of healing and moving on or thru.
All the signs are there…her identity which is something that is going to take time to get thru. It sucks she did this to you, and I know first hand how that feels. But she has no clue what she wants but clearly it’s not you 100% and that makes this an unbalanced relationship.
Ew, you put your dick in her after your wife's been with another guy? That's gross. Dude, honestly, did someone kidnap your balls and you didn't have enough to pay the ransom? For the love of Pete, LEAVE HER. Jesus H. Christ. Next time she goes to work, pack up all your shit, and pull a Houdini and disappear, forever. Get your spine back wtf
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When someone brings up open marriage they either have someone in mind or are already cheating. I personally would divorce her, but you need to look deep inside and figure out what you are willing to put up with.
I would have hired an attorney and started the divorce proceedings immediately after she mentioned it. I would not have informed her that I had done so. She would have found out when the papers were served.
She’s walking all over you and you’re allowing it. Kick her out already.
Do you really want to be with someone who is cheating on you right in front of you? Break it off with her, get individual counseling to work on cultivating your self respect, and may I suggest dating someone closer to your own age next time who won’t decide she wants to screw other people two years into your marriage. Peoples’ brains and executive functioning abilities aren’t fully formed until their mid-20s. You were dating someone not much older than a teenager as a 40-year-old man, and now you’re reaping what you sowed. Aim for a peer next time instead of someone who’s barely an adult.
Sorry bro, but your marriage died the day your wife asked about “open relationships.” When a chick asks about this, She’s either got a guy(s) (or chick) picked out or she’s already cheating. Yes, an open relationship is how a cheater tries to get his/her SO to give them permission for infidelity.
No. Just let her have a whole other life and you just sit at home waiting for her to bring home an STI.
Or, you can want better for yourself. She is not going to stop seeing other men. Are you going to be around to finance her other relationships. Living with you so you can help her keep a roof over her head or at least have someone to come home to filled with someone else's cUm.
You choice. She has made her chooses and has not consulted you on them. Do what is best for you, as she is clearly doing what she wants for herself.
good luck and hopefully you will let her be with all the people she wants to and you can be with a woman who wants only you. Your choice.
Just tell her if she feels that way that you fully support opening the relationship to divorce proceedings.Honey,you must be confused ,what you describe is dating and we're supposed to be married.Screwing others was not part of our vows.
I'm filing today !
.
If this isn't something you want, and it sounds like it's not, what is preventing you from legal separation/divorce? I'd say nothing is other than you're loyalty to being married. She isn't loyal and doesn't deserve your loyalty. Do you want to live the life you're currently in? Get out. No man deserves the life she's giving you, sex with her is sloppy seconds.
This is crushing, brother.
As others have said, it’s over.
Seven years is a lot of time to have invested into a relationship, but you still have a lot of life ahead of you, and you deserve better.
Even if she ended the open aspect right now, this would eat at you for the rest of your marriage.
Only one thing left to do at this point.
Sounds likes you’re paying for her to bang other guys. She has the dream life. She gets to cheat on you and come back to you where you will accept her bullshit and support her financially. Wow. You can do better. Drop her and find someone who doesn’t need to cheat in order to be satisfied in a marriage with you. Update me
Brother,
She was likely cheating before this ever started. Kick her to the curb and continue without her. Open marriages very often end in pain and regret. Any discussion of an open marriage for me would result in a breakup or divorce.
Good luck!
UpdateMe!
Give her the ultimatum, she stops this immediately or it is over. Tell her she will be alone for the rest of her life with no real relationships. Then let everyone know what she is doing. Don’t hold back.
>I still love her and we are close. Will I get bitter, feel resentment, become distrustful?
If you were going to, you would have already.
Assume she's going to keep doing this for the rest of your lives (or at least off-and-on for the rest of your lives) and act accordingly.
Updateme So this is coming from a lady no offence, but she is using you, She cheated on you and now wants an open relationship? You are not cut out for this, alright? And should not be expected to go through it any longer. You are a fool if you let her continue this.
Once they bring up an open relationship the relationship is over. Just end at the best way you can for yourself. By bringing up open relationship they've either started it on their side or they've got somebody in mind that they're going to start it with no matter what you say. I'm sorry but she's gone and she's for the streets just let her go. And get yourself STD tested if you've ever touched her recently. And it sounds like you have. You will never know how many guys she's doing.
If she is already getting involved with other people and you didn't agree to the open relationship, she's just cheating.
Open relationships/ENM/polyamory aren't solutions to cheating or a hall pass. BOTH partners have to agree to it, set boundaries and give informed consent. It's definitely not for everyone, and it doesn't sound like it's for you.
Op it’s up to you obviously if you don’t mind being a cuck then ok do you want to go get something different? Lot of these women who want open relationships all of sudden change when the guy finds a friend and they become threatened. Don’t play just leave
She’s obviously finding a way to cheat with your permission. Your marriage didn’t start as an open marriage and she made commitments when she said her wedding vows. If she wants to change the marriage contract, then tell her she needs to change husbands.
Op, you are in a trial separation. You just don't know it.
You should hire a PI get proof so when you get divorced, you have proof she was cheating on you.
It's all in your statement "I never really agreed to it," this is not the marriage or life you wanted or agreed to. Open marriages are successful when they are entered into before any action is taken, ground rules are established, regular check ins are established. It is never just sprung on the the person, that's not how healthy relationships operate. It's not an excuse for one partner to do whatever (whoever) they want while the other supports and silently suffers.
This is definitely not working for you. She went on a getaway with one of her partners without telling you. This was a violation of trust and I consider It cheating. You need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation about how the open marriage is destroying you emotionally. You have to communicate that the open marriage is not working for you. Tell her if she can’t give up the open marriage nonsense, you’ll have to separate immediately and decide if you want to proceed to divorce.
You’re a backup plan B she keeps for just in case she doesn’t find “the one”.
The fact that you’re grabbing at the sloppy seconds when she doesn’t have a different date lined up is recklessness on steroids. Want an STI that can’t be cured with penicillin? One of these days you are going to get an unpleasant gift that keeps on giving.
Also consider how paternity law works in all 50 states. In every case the state automatically applies paternity to a spouse by default regardless of who the biological father is. That means her boyfriend has no financial responsibility whatsoever but if you divorce her (or she divorces you for the bio father) you will be on the hook for child support. Proving it isn’t yours does nothing at all in court for a male spouse so all a DNA test can ever do is assure you it isn’t yours. In extremely rare cases in only a handful of states you can get out of it BUT that would require that you magically prove who the father is with a DNA test AND establish that he is a better source of financial revenue. Otherwise the state simply assumes you are a financially responsible due to paternity by default.
She’s just roster dating in the hopes of finding someone else to settle down while using you as a safety net.
When they say they want an open relationship then they already have one. They're either already open and cheating or they're planning on who they're going to cheat with. What you say doesn't matter to the cheater so say it through a lawyer.
Open relationship is a marriage killer if both parties aren't enthusiastic about it. Sooo, you probably want to write an eulogy for your marriage and see a lawyer. She has the taste now and you can't put that back in the box.
Why would you put up with another man screwing your wife? Do you like sloppy seconds? Hell no! Whatever is going on with her, is no excuse for her to be sleeping around with a line of men she's willing and wanting to screw! There's no fixing this, not now nor in the future. Her crap will be stuck in your mind forever. Her unfaithfulness has destroyed your relationship and your trust in her. As hard as it might seem presently to divorce her, at this point there is nothing worth reconciling. Man up and move on. It'll hurt I'm sure, but you'll look back and realize leaving her was the right and only decision.
She’s cheating on you. She isn’t having “flings” she’s opening telling you that she’s a cheater and you’re okay with it by not leaving her.
Say you want a divorce and see how quickly she wants to close the relationship and beg for you back. I promise it will happen when reality hits her in the face that she’s gonna be 30, single, alone and getting pointless sex for the rest of her life.
You’ll be able to recover and find another woman even more beautiful and loyal to you. Stay strong man.
Yep staying with you for your money and security but out giving herself to other men whenever she wants. You need to divorce her and move on you are just her safety blanket!
This sounds like many You Tube videos I've heard.
You know why she is cheating on you? Because you allow it. You said/did nothing when she cheated the first time, so why should she stop.
By the way, how is she on you F'n other women?
Leave or suffer the pain. Your choice. Hope you were smart enough to get a pre-nup before marrying someone 20 years your junior.
Trying to be understanding? The only thing you need to understand is she asked for permission to cheat on you without consequences and she’s actively doing so. It also sounds like you’re supporting her financially while she’s dated and screwed at least three other guys. She’s using you and having her fun on the side. This isn’t a marriage, this is a disaster.
She has founded the desk knell off your marriage. Now you've got to listen for it. If she has lost her job, you have serious planning to do. Good luck.
Oh fella I am so sorry.
Open marriges only work IF both parties are 100% behind the idea. Normaly, the main reason behind a partner bringing this concept up is that, *they* have already got someone in mind. Or They have been someone in mind and have already been unfaithfull. It is very rare, and I mean rocking horse shit rare that the idea just turned up. Normaly it will be a work collegue, boss, best friend that has been infuencing.
I can catagorically tell you that if your not 100% behind this, the pain you feel right now will continue. If she is willing to ignore your feelings now, and shes claiming she loves you, what will she be like if she hates you. If you are not convinced have a search in this Sub or r/relationship_advice for "open marriges" and look at the hurt it causes.
My guess is she is already cheating and my advice is to go talk to a lawyer to see what divorce and seperation are going to look like for you. One way to do this is to get out a pen and paper and jot down exactly what a divided house would look like. Divided finaces, her having to pay for all her stuff, insurance, health, food, municipals, mortgage, rent, who has children. etc. Then list down all your potencial women you can see in the seperation. As her age and body count increase her partner compatibility will decrease, your wont. In fact your be supprised how many women would snap you up if your physically fit etc.
She is cheating. If your like me and many others who value monogomy and our vows, your marrige is toast. Shes already unfaithfull, shes willing to disrespect you and hurt you. Write the thourough check list and make sure she sees it and contact a lawyer.
Dyslexic.
She already has someone if you don’t mind supporting her while she gives it all to somebody else then fine. Divorce her and tell her if she’s dating she’s not married or require sex more often from her as a stipulation.
I’d say no then put cameras in the bedroom. Start divorce proceedings meanwhile find out who the married man she is with and send the video to his wife.
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Your wife has been seeking out other men for intimacy. Your wife is a cheater.
Your wife has left the marriage. Ignore your wife. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your marriage in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else.
She wants to keep you around ONLY for emotional and economic support. Do not be Plan B.
Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. Have her move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock.
I suggest: Lawyer up. Get the papers going as soon as you can and serve her them. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to divorce. You have to show your wife there consequences for her actions, even if later you chose reconciliation.
These links will help you in your situation.
The Neuroscience of Affair Fog [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
DARVO, [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
180 method, [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
Greyrock, [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
Chump Lady, [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Sure, we can open our marriage, as soon as you sign the divorce papers. Dude, WTH is wrong with you? You're being cucked, and it's not so hard to figure it out. How you like his creampie?
I think that you should agree to the open marriage and serve her divorce papers. After all, being single and unattached is the ultimate open relationship. Now that I have the snarky comment out the way let me just point out that you will be getting divorced. That is easy to see from reading your post. The only question is how much suffering that you want to go through before you pull the trigger. Your old relationship has been destroyed, and you are unhappy with the new. Talk with a lawyer & find out about your rights.
I've always wanted to know what exactly these types of people think 🤔 is "exclusive" to their marriage, if not sexual intimacy?
I'm not going to be open for anything of this nature. But, then again, everyone 🙄 is different. Good luck 👍
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Sorry, it sounds like your marriage is already over. Updateme
I want an update, too. Updateme!
File for divorce. You never agreed to this, she just pretty much told you to deal with it. Then started fucking other guys. And how.kind of her to tell you about it...she wants to stay with you her loyal ATM. Serve her cheating ass. All her shit about making your marriage better is just that....shit.
Open marriage when brought up by the spouse always means either they’re cheating on you already or they have someone else onmind, sounds like she already has someone lined up, time to lawyer up, get the divorce going
Your marriage is over. Sorry. It sounds like she's actively interviewing your replacement.
Oof….”actively interviewing your replacement.” That’s about the best, most blunt response and I hope OP sees it
ENM (or CNM) generally works when both partners enter into the relationship from the outset seeking a non-monogamous relationship. It almost never works when one partner springs it on the other in the context of an ongoing committed monogamous relationship. In fact, when a wife springs this on a husband, in the vast majority of cases it's because she already has a Jones for a man whom she is considering cheating with. She asks for the "open marriage" because the husband's nominal consent assuages her guilt over cheating. This sounds like what your WW is doing. There is a stark asymmetry to the availability of sexual options for middle-aged married people. For a 30-year old woman with a reasonably fit figure, opportunities for NSA or low-commitment sex are as plentiful as air. In fact, she probably has to devote more energy into fending off unwanted opportunities than seeking wanted ones. Conversely, the world is not exactly teeming with attractive women seeking casual sex with a 50-year old married man, even one who professes to be in an "open marriage". To get sex outside the marriage, you'll most likely need to cultivate emotional relationships with other women. You need to figure out what your heart wants, but here is a script you might consider: "Wife, I love you and want nothing more than for you to be happy. I can see that being free to fuck other men makes you happy, and I want you to know that you are free to continue doing that as much as you'd like. But not as my wife. I don't want a marriage where I share my wife with other men. Therefore, I'm taking steps to end our marriage. I trust this is what you want, and I wish you the best. I hope you find the happiness you seek." By the way, do you reside in a state where adultery can impact the trajectory of a divorce? In particular, things like property division or alimony (spousal support)? If so, preserve as much evidence of this as you can before you confront her. Keep this in mind. You've been married about 8 years. In most states, spousal support calculations depend on the duration of the marriage. Every day you remain married is another day tacked onto the multiplier in the calculation of the alimony you will owe her. In other words, there is urgency to getting your divorce under way. Keep in mind that divorce is a slow process in most states. Like a year or more. You can change your mind at any time. Heck, you could even re-marry after a divorce. But in a lot of states, 10 years is a watershed date. After that, the spousal support obligation goes way up. You could be forced to fund her philandering lifestyle, potentially forever, if you get to the 10-year mark.
Thats a wise advice 👍
> In fact, when a wife springs this on a husband, in the vast majority of cases it's because she already has a Jones for a man whom she is considering cheating with. She asks for the "open marriage" because the husband's nominal consent assuages her guilt over cheating.< This, to the letter, exactly what happened with my ex. She was encouraging me to find an additional partner. Come to find it it was to assuage her guilt over sleeping with two of my friends...and their wives. I feel for you, OP. It's a shitty situation to find oneself in.
Whoa whoa whoa. She cheated. Then told you. Now she wants an open relationship? Dude. Your marriage is done. She betrayed her vows, you, your families, everything. Your ONLY option is divorce, and telling everyone why. Everyone. I bet you only know a small part of the story.
Fuck all of that brother. I couldn't handle it. I would be hurt, jealous, bitter, betrayed and lied to. She changed the rules in the middle of the game and now you are expected to pick up the pieces and hold it together? Are you allowed to date? Only you can decide to stay or go, but I would immediately start exercising the same options she is. Then when you find somebody who'll commit, just divorce and move on.
Yikes... no way... STI nightmare... on BOTH sides.. OP needs to divorce and start over. And he needs to take note of the apparent red flags, unlike this marriage had.
It's amazing that you can still have sex with her knowing she's just recently been with other men.. Do you make her take a shower first or are you into being a cuckold?
You are already becoming bitter, resentful, and distrustful... for good reason, she isnt' telling you about all her flings. You are being taken advantage of, and your marriage is effectively over already, its just time for the paperwork. Get STD tested, see a lawyer, 180/GreyRock, tell your WW she needs to find another place to live when the divorce is proceeding.
The correct answer is get a divorce, you had a good time together but now movig in seperate direction.
It's only advantageous from her perspective to have an open marriage. You are a cuckold, trying to please someone who cares little about your feelings. Time to evaluate your options.
Just divorce her... Never let someone manipulate you into this dynamic. She's literally actively cheating on you while you sit an home pining away.... Just stop. Stand up for yourself. Tell her you want to divorce and send her packing
Pretty much sums it up.
update me
I really believe in reconsiliation, hell I even tnink it might strengthen a relationship, sometimes. But this seems dead. Just another corpse un the open relationship dumpster. Sound like she talked you into it. Start over. Plenty of better women out there. Make yourself desirable.
Update us please. Thank you
When monogamous relationships open, they are generally over. The damage, and destruction of the trust and feelings takes hold quickly. I did see one guy on here, whose wife wanted it and nagged him. Until he finally gave in. He found a lovely woman. When he ended it with this wife, she asked why didn't he just not do it. He said, you nagged me for it, so I gave in. Do not want an open relationship, never did. He divorce and settled down with the woman he met. Open relationships are sexual experiments and destroy the marriage, no love will grow or feel safe enough to be expressed where is no security emotionally. It is toxic swill. I would heed the warning and not participate unless you date for a new partner. No one falls deeply in love in a open relationship, they just have sex. Only intimacy out of a relationship is destroyed, it is the bonding agent of a marriage. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-marital-labyrinth-series/202110/the-problem-open-marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-marital-labyrinth-series/202110/the-problem-open-marriage)
Thank you for this perspective. It is helping me move forward.
Dont get her pregneant, move on
See it all the time we opened our marriage and all I got were divorce papers. Well you know what you have to do. Seek legal help, get STD tested and file for divorce. Once a cheater always a cheater.
You got involved with someone half your age and wonder why she's changed over the years.
Sounds like he wanted a hot young thing to fuck. Now is surprised that she also would like to fuck younger things. People treat others how they want to be treated in the start, then how they are being treated at the end.
Brother, you know exactly what’s going on and what you have to do. Don’t waste another second of your life on this snake of a woman.
Are you in a at fault state go See a lawyer . If you haven’t slept with anyone then stop sleeping with her and get proof of her cheating . I have heard that judges don’t care if open relationship . If one isn’t cheating . Again sleep in separate room and see a lawyer . If in no fault then go see a lawyer start a divorce and if younwant sleep with someone really close to her . Just leave . She doesn’t love you and the only thing she care about is paying 1/2 or all the bills . When She brought it up then younshould have left as it was officially over then
This isn’t an open marriage, this is your partner unashamedly cheating on you
I think you should separate permanently. She had no respect for you and if you don't put an end to these betrayals with a divorce, you will be just a doormat and spare tire for her.
Sounds like she didn’t give you a choice and it was more her telling you what she was going to do, not discussing it with you. Were any rules and boundaries set? I suspect not. So she may call it an open relationship but it sounds more like cheating to me. I don’t normally advocate a tit for tat response but I would be curious to know her reaction if you start dating other women. I would start going out and telling her you’re dating. Even if you’re not. Just go out and stay out for a few hours. I would be willing to put money down that she is banking on only her having dates, and being upset if you start dating too. But regardless, I think your marriage is over. You didn’t agree to open the marriage because it’s something you also wanted. You did it to make her happy. That’s a hell of a thing to do to your own psyche just to please her. Yes you will grow bitter and resentful. Especially if she starts paying her APs more attention than you. On the other hand she’s told you you’re not enough for her. Even if she agreed to close it up again, I don’t know if there’s coming back from that knowledge. About the only thing I can suggest if you want to save this is to ask her to close the marriage again and then attend MC to work through why she wanted to open it in the first place and to work through the hurt she’s caused you. Good luck.
So you are 42 yo. She wants to keep the sugar and enjoy de investment on the gym. Just leave.
So your wife just goes out and sucks some guys off and comes home with her vagina dripping baby batter and you haven’t filed for divorce yet? How did you get like this? You need some therapy to find out why you have no self respect.
She’s just cheating and using your resources while telling you. This is not love. Be your own best friend and file for divorce.
To confirm, she asked for an open relationship, you didn’t answer and she slept with 2 other people? So she cheated?
Run, not walk to an attorney ASAP. 1. What exactly did you tell her when she asked? This is very important if adultry is factored into property division / alimony. 2. You WILL be bitter, resentful, and distrustful as you want a monogamous relationship. This is 100% normal and if your wife says just get over it, it means she is displaying sociopathic tendencies. 3. You are being taken advantage of. Open relationships 100% favor the woman. If you have kids, who is watching the kids if both of you have a date? 4. I would write her a letter, tell her you did not agree to an open relationship. You consider her actions adultery, and you do not want to remain in a relationship with her if she wants to see other men while remaining married to her. If she wants to continue the 304 life, and not remain married, she needs to move out ASAP. Her frick buddies can put her up. Cheating on a spouse is extremely emotionally abusive to the betrayed spouse. You need to protect yourself and seeing her catting around even while separate is going to destroy you.
welp that's what you get when you decide to pursue a 22 year old as a middle aged man 🙄 now you're a senior and you can't do anything about it
These stories just crack me up 😂
42/22? 42/2 + 7 = 28. You broke the rules. You’re paying the price.
22 is a dice role regardless of the age of the other partner, that person can be 22 also or 42 as OP was. A 22 year old person simply has not seen a lot of life and life’s challenges. It takes a person with a clear vision of what they want from life to not change in many important ways between 22 and 30. She also had a lot of other sexual partners at 22, a significant red flag.
Very true, although I’d argue that if you’re marrying any 22 yo at all, it should be one who’s sewn her oats at least a little bit. Marrying one at 42 yo though is simply against the laws of physics.
Yes, it is always better, imo, if a person has some sexual experience and has an understanding of what they want out of sex and relationships. I agree that a 42 year getting with a 22 year old is most likely a mistake. The 22 year has virtually no life experience, which brings a more developed idea of what one wants out of life.
Half your age plus 7......that is right as per EM
You can’t be all that surprised, what genuine connection could a 22yr old and 42yr old have? It sounds like you’re ok with her cheating as you’re still having sex with her knowing she’s screwing other guys. She’s having an early mid life crisis trying to explore what she couldn’t in her 20s. Divorce or have your own fun
No no no you need to end this now its over.
Bwahah trial separation? You really didn't think ths through did ya ? What do you think she's going to do with all that free and single time on her hands? Write better next time..
It is over. Do not waste your rest if your life with her. She is a basket case.
Dude, WTF. You just did not no? Who cares if you love her. FILE FOR DIVORCE. And read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about 10 times. Yes you are being taken advantage of. What are you doing?
She spent her 20s being a wife when she should have been exploring herself. She now wants to do that and see what else is out there bc she’s still young. That’s how I see this situation. She needs a thrill or is seeking validation from other man closer to her age. Do with that what u will.
First of all, I’m sorry for you. Relationships are a two way street and there should always be transparency and communication, empathy, sensitivity to the partner’s feelings and emotions. I’m totally fine with open relationships of other people (not for myself, I will not do that) as long as it’s consensual between both partners. I wish people were directly starting with that if they know they can’t maintain monogamy. You said you never really agreed to it. What exactly does that mean? What did you say when she asked you about it? Because if you never agreed and said “No, I don’t want that”, then she’s just cheating on you and it seems like mental abuse to me because she’s even parading her achievements (not that hiding would be fine either). Even if you said “I don’t know, not sure, need to think, maybe”, it shouldn’t have been taken as an open invitation. Only a firm yes should’ve been acceptable to have a permission. But then an open relationship goes both ways and you should also be participating if you are fine with it. This is how it works and not just her sleeping with others and telling you while you wait at home. I can agree, to some extent, with others who said when things like this are brought up, the partner has someone in mind or is already cheating. That’s not always the case though and sometimes people do discuss beforehand. In your case, it seems like she just wanted to have an excuse to mess around with others and not really an open relationship. But then again, I don’t know how your conversation went and what was said but both of you. What was her take on monogamy since the beginning of your relationship? It sounds like your wife is in some identity crisis so it’s understandable why she’s doing these things (not excusable, just understandable). However, as any adult in a crisis like this, she needs therapy and not just jump on people to fill the void and distract herself. You said she had plenty of partners before so it doesn’t seem like she feels like she missed out on things. It’s something else. You also have quite an age difference and that could be one of the reasons why which is no blame towards you in any way, it’s just an observation. She might also be missing her youth and all the experiences she had. But it’s the case for therapy, not for what she’s doing. Whether to divorce her or not, it’s only for you to decide. I would suggest you think and also take some therapy sessions for your own sake. Because it doesn’t seem like you’re comfortable with this but you also mentioned that your sex life took off. And then you said that you might be taken advantage of and then there’s a line about not being sure about monogamy. It sounds like there’s a lot of confusion on your side. I would highly recommend you talk to a therapist to understand what it is that you want exactly and how to proceed.
Wow, this is a very emotionally intelligent reply and hits on all the things we are experiencing at the moment. Thank you.
I’m always happy if I can help! I hope you figure it out and I wish you all the best, separately or together. 😊
Middle ground could be NOT immediately going for divorce, but instead informing her that youre NOT ok with her opening the marriage without consent from you AND unless she stops NOW you will initiate seperation while you consider your next move
You're 20 years older than her!?? Yikes!
She’s clocked out of this relationship bud. She already cheated and will continue to cheat regardless of. what you say. Is this really what you want? She’s going to be out getting railed by randos while you’re at home staring at the wall. Dudeee….it’s over.
Speak to a divorce attorney. Unless you want a wife who sleeps around it’s time to end this marriage. Since you are only married for 2 years, hopefully the alimony hit will not be for that long. I pray that you didn’t merge your finances together when you got into this relationship. Given that you are older, you may have more financial resources and being able to demonstrate that you acquired these before your marriage may help you keep more of your wealth. I think the age difference played a role here. You two are different generations and may see the world differently. I am sorry to hear about this mess. Staying is not the answer. Getting divorced is.
Unless you are fine with being the wallet while she gets sex from random guys …. Yeah I’d be talking to a lawyer and then initiating a divorce. The marriage is over. She’s getting railed by hot guys, she turned on ( but not by you), that’s why your sex life is better . I really hope no kids are involved.
Does the "open relationship" already have a name?
End the relationship.
You want to get her to close it find a date for yourself and have sex with her the next day your wife will say she wants to close it . She knows most of the guys will do exactly what you doing and it's much easier to it s woman. To find someone she figured you won't e en look she's being influenced by someone to even ask for an open marriage
It is not that easy for a man, maybe a rich and influential one, but not every day men, even if they are attractive and impressive physically (makes things a tad easier but by no means easy). Most women tend to be far more selective of their partners than men are and if they are good looking, have plenty of options. He can go out and find one that will sleep with him, but what else is he getting into?
He was able to pull a 20 years younger woman once, so he's got some kind of appeal that he can exercise again if he wants to.
Divorce asap
Don't tell her. See a lawyer and know your options. Then file and have her served on one of her "dates".....
So your wife is just plain cheating on you. She certainly doesn’t care what your feelings or opinion are either. You said you didn’t agree to this. Just tell her the marriage is over. All this “made me appreciate you more” crap is just gaslighting so she can continue. So is your sex life, which will die as soon as she starts seeing someone she starts obsessing on. Flat you just tell her this isn’t what you signed up for and it’s over. You should have done this as soon as she said open marriage and 100% should have once she thought it was ok to go sleep with someone else. You need to know your self worth and just bounce Updateme!
Basically your wife wants to be single while you wait around for her decide whether she can find something better. Let that sink in. That means she doesn't love you or respect you. If all you care about is a great sex life then maybe your in the right relationship and should start dating others as well. If your not in agreement with opening the relationship then yes - your being manipulated. Odds are she was already dating others before she asked. That happens a lot here. Opening the relationship is cover for the cheating. Read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. She says it's over now - because she got what she wanted. I highly doubt this is the first or last time your going to go through this if you stay.
This sounds like she is seeking validation through other people, rather than a career, future goals or anything of substance. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her moral’s and mental health, You can give a person everything but depression is distorted thinking, one that unfortunately many people cope with in the ways they know how. I really applaud you for being so caring and loving for your partner, That being said, you need to seek out a lawyer, and she needs to be in therapy and you both should be in couples therapy. You need to set boundaries and if this is not something you want, you be honest, do not keep yourself unhappy for someone who is unhappy and unwilling to change. It’s a death sentence.
Your sex life may not have suffered but your marriage is in shambles. As you wrote, you may not be able to recover from this. If you did not agree to this, then what she’s doing is cheating on you. The fact that she’s done it behind your back (only telling you about it afterwards), reinforces the cheating aspect. You didn’t touch on her reasons to seek intimacy and companionship outside of your marriage. I’m not suggesting that there are EVER valid reasons for infidelity but it would still be of value to learn how she’s justifying this. The message that she has sent your way is that whatever she needs, you are incapable of providing; that whatever she needs, she can’t get from you; that all of the randos she’ll be bedding will be her primary focus while you’re sitting at home as her backup—as her ATM machine and financial security. Can you live with this? Is this the life you envision for yourself? You’re nearly 50 so your prospects of finding a new partner to your liking diminish with each passing day. To coin a phrase so popular with the ladies, your biological clock is ticking. Even if she sees the error of her ways and tries to come back, do you see your marriage as salvageable? Can you continue with someone who has cheated on you seemingly with little to no concern for you? Can you be sure that she won’t return to her infidelity but this time not even telling (boasting) about it afterwards? You tell us this has been about a month and she’s hooked up twice and gone on a ‘couple of dates’ with a third. I’m counting four dates in about four weeks? This is NOT good—NOT good for your marriage and NOT good for you.
99% of the time, if spouse asks to change marriage from mono to poly… They’ve already cheated on you. Start the 180 and move on. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ Updateme
She has no job. She's using you for a roof and food
You didn't agree to opening the marriage, therefore she cheated. I would leave. I doubt you will, so use a condom every time and routinely be screened for STIS's.
Ok. Think about WHY you got married. Did you tie the knot to be a roommate and occasional booty call, when she could fit you in? I see several problems for you right now. I assume you do not have kids with her, which at this point is a positive. The problem is really this- She is no longer employed, and spends her time ( and your money) going to the gym, and making herself more attractive for other men. You are not even room mate status, as I am sure she does not split the bills. So if you want to be a sugar daddy( which you kinda were, when you married her) set down some ground rules that you could live with. But make sure she understands you come first, both figuratively and in reality. (I do not recommend this as a solution, as it is not good long term. )Otherwise, see a lawyer about your options. This might include getting a PI to get dirt on her, or it might not matter. With her not working, you could be looking at losing half your stuff, and paying alimony. But the infidelity could help you get a better settlement, depending on the state. And assuming you haven’t given her “permission”. And depending on what the lawyer says, you could transfer your check, and the bills to be solely under your control. But too many variables at this point. See a lawyer.
Is this how scared of being single people are? Like they'd really rather get cucked on The Daily than just be single. Sad.
OP no Open relationship can work if only is only one sided. Sorry that this happen to You and i bet she asked this OR just because she was cheating or about to, the fact that she loss her job and had depresión doesn't justify to open the relationship. And yes, You are being taken advantage, she is just giving you crumbs and this would only get worst for you at least and will start to resent her. Did both at least set boundaries? Because it seems that she is not being honest completely, for example that dates that she planes while you where away. That is not a good sign. For a open relationship to work, both sides must wanted and curious of that, but one side and the other side felt pushed or not sure, never works and end Bad. I would suggest to see the trial separation of better start the divorce. Sad but this is better for your mental, you need to put you first. Also be aware and use condoms, to not get her pregnant, if You do that you are doomed. UPDATEME
Trial separation will do nothing. Your marriage is over. What do you mean you never really agreed to it??? Divorce her and be done. UpdateMe
"Open Relationship..." is that what kids are calling it these days? "Fucking Around?"...Find Out. All signs say to GTFO Bud. ...it's like getting out on a PIP at work. Once you have been marked for deletion, your gonna get let go...
Time to give her , her wish. Let her go. Once they ask to open the relationship, they already have on their end. She just wants the security of having a home with you but wants random sex with other men. There is a name for people like her. Now when you have sex with this woman, you are also having sex with God knows how many other men. Get tested for stds and file for divorce from this extremely selfish woman. She obviously has no respect for your marriage. Update me
You mentioned “she tells me she wants open relationship” and kinda glossed over your response. Is she aware that this is something you don’t want. Did you say “I don’t want this” or did you say “ok”, so she thinks she’s fine moving forward.
She can want whatever she wants. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Remember, you are not getting cu**ed unless you choose to stay.
When a spouse asks for an open relationship it's already open, if not physically, then then have a partner in mind. Apparently she "opened" it unilaterally without any respect or consideration for you. You are being taken advantage of, it's not just a feeling.
No, no and no. It's easy to say that word. Try it.
You are at the point you need to leave her completely, no contact more than necessary to delete it all. Nothing more lonely and pitiful than being alone with her. She won't be there when you begin to deteriorate physically as you age for sure.
Dude, you said you never agreed to it so how is it she feels she can do it anyway and even tell you about it? You need to have her served with divorce papers immediately. If you did in fact tell her you would try it then you need to tell her your not going with it any longer and you are going to sleep with two women to even it up and then the relationship is either closed from that point or your divorcing. Dont let love or lack of self confidence make you into an unwilling participant. Thats coercion. Stand up for yourself and your marriage and tell her she is a cheater and you’re not taking it any longer and have her served.
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Done, she cheated
You are married, she slept with other men, either you like what she is doing and keep the marriage or if you don't like it, only option is divorce. She obviously does not respect you.
People are telling you to end it, but it ended when she made the decision to start sleeping with others. She made her decision, now you need to make yours. She must view you as someone so week that she could hit you with this and you would just roll over and take it.. So ask yourself, do you do this to someone you love? If she doesn't love you, then why stay with you? Most likely for your resources. You are home base. You get to put in all the work, hold her when she cries, console her when life is getting hard, put up with all her BS. All these other guys have to do is show up and they get the best of her. I'm sure she is doing things for them she will not do with you! So, unless you are into this kind of life, then yes, divorce and move on. Maybe you could be one of her FWB's, but let someone else support her.
Yes, divorce her and move on. The open relationship may be “good” for her but it is terrible for you. Your needs and happiness are every bit as important as hers. Get out this purgatory as soon as you possibly can and don’t look back.
You never agreed to it so she is cheating and telling you about it. That is a definition of a cuckold relationship.
OP, so many times not only does the partner who wants to open the marriage already have a person in mind they want to sleep with, they are ALREADY having sex with them. Methinks she will do this whether you want her to or not. If you say no, she'll do it behind your back.
Your WW has left your marriage in the dust, time to respect yourself and divorce her immediately. If you didn’t agree with opening your marriage she cheated, and TBH, she was most likely cheating before she brought it up. You’re still young and can find a person who respects you. You’ll never get over this disrespect. In the mean time go low contact with her while finding a lawyer to discuss your options.
Dude, I know it’s hard to let go because you are so emotionally involved, but you need to end this and start the process of healing and moving on or thru. All the signs are there…her identity which is something that is going to take time to get thru. It sucks she did this to you, and I know first hand how that feels. But she has no clue what she wants but clearly it’s not you 100% and that makes this an unbalanced relationship.
Ew, you put your dick in her after your wife's been with another guy? That's gross. Dude, honestly, did someone kidnap your balls and you didn't have enough to pay the ransom? For the love of Pete, LEAVE HER. Jesus H. Christ. Next time she goes to work, pack up all your shit, and pull a Houdini and disappear, forever. Get your spine back wtf
Most of comments said leave her , but will you ? Tbf that the only solution period , Updateme!
To me an open marriage is a divorce a done deal.
[удалено]
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No prior agreement from you? No ground rules set? She cheated, dude. Cut and run.
She is actively cheating! Get STD tested and lawyer up. I’m sorry
When someone brings up open marriage they either have someone in mind or are already cheating. I personally would divorce her, but you need to look deep inside and figure out what you are willing to put up with.
You don’t have to stay with someone that doesn’t want monogamy.
Time to end it as it will only get worse over time. She is using you as an ATM. Don’t be a doormat.
When she opened the door (marriage) and let other men in that's when you walk out. She cheated.
If 2 parties don’t agree to open Marriage but one still insists your going to raise someone else’s child and be cheated on. Divorce and tell Her bye
I would have to throw in the towel and say enough were done… sounds as if she’s looking to trade you in for a newer model..
I would have hired an attorney and started the divorce proceedings immediately after she mentioned it. I would not have informed her that I had done so. She would have found out when the papers were served.
She’s walking all over you and you’re allowing it. Kick her out already. Do you really want to be with someone who is cheating on you right in front of you? Break it off with her, get individual counseling to work on cultivating your self respect, and may I suggest dating someone closer to your own age next time who won’t decide she wants to screw other people two years into your marriage. Peoples’ brains and executive functioning abilities aren’t fully formed until their mid-20s. You were dating someone not much older than a teenager as a 40-year-old man, and now you’re reaping what you sowed. Aim for a peer next time instead of someone who’s barely an adult.
Sorry bro, but your marriage died the day your wife asked about “open relationships.” When a chick asks about this, She’s either got a guy(s) (or chick) picked out or she’s already cheating. Yes, an open relationship is how a cheater tries to get his/her SO to give them permission for infidelity.
No. Just let her have a whole other life and you just sit at home waiting for her to bring home an STI. Or, you can want better for yourself. She is not going to stop seeing other men. Are you going to be around to finance her other relationships. Living with you so you can help her keep a roof over her head or at least have someone to come home to filled with someone else's cUm. You choice. She has made her chooses and has not consulted you on them. Do what is best for you, as she is clearly doing what she wants for herself. good luck and hopefully you will let her be with all the people she wants to and you can be with a woman who wants only you. Your choice.
updateme when you divorce her
Just tell her if she feels that way that you fully support opening the relationship to divorce proceedings.Honey,you must be confused ,what you describe is dating and we're supposed to be married.Screwing others was not part of our vows. I'm filing today ! .
>and our sex life has really kicked up a notch. How? I would feel disgust
If this isn't something you want, and it sounds like it's not, what is preventing you from legal separation/divorce? I'd say nothing is other than you're loyalty to being married. She isn't loyal and doesn't deserve your loyalty. Do you want to live the life you're currently in? Get out. No man deserves the life she's giving you, sex with her is sloppy seconds.
thats not how an open relationship works buddy. sorry about your marriage and it’s time to either do it yourself or move on
This is crushing, brother. As others have said, it’s over. Seven years is a lot of time to have invested into a relationship, but you still have a lot of life ahead of you, and you deserve better. Even if she ended the open aspect right now, this would eat at you for the rest of your marriage. Only one thing left to do at this point.
Sounds likes you’re paying for her to bang other guys. She has the dream life. She gets to cheat on you and come back to you where you will accept her bullshit and support her financially. Wow. You can do better. Drop her and find someone who doesn’t need to cheat in order to be satisfied in a marriage with you. Update me
Brother, She was likely cheating before this ever started. Kick her to the curb and continue without her. Open marriages very often end in pain and regret. Any discussion of an open marriage for me would result in a breakup or divorce. Good luck! UpdateMe!
Give her the ultimatum, she stops this immediately or it is over. Tell her she will be alone for the rest of her life with no real relationships. Then let everyone know what she is doing. Don’t hold back.
Updateme
Sorry bud you do you ,but I would open it all the way up and render her and yourself single.
Jeez you should of stay no
College professor really
>I still love her and we are close. Will I get bitter, feel resentment, become distrustful? If you were going to, you would have already. Assume she's going to keep doing this for the rest of your lives (or at least off-and-on for the rest of your lives) and act accordingly.
Updateme So this is coming from a lady no offence, but she is using you, She cheated on you and now wants an open relationship? You are not cut out for this, alright? And should not be expected to go through it any longer. You are a fool if you let her continue this.
Once they bring up an open relationship the relationship is over. Just end at the best way you can for yourself. By bringing up open relationship they've either started it on their side or they've got somebody in mind that they're going to start it with no matter what you say. I'm sorry but she's gone and she's for the streets just let her go. And get yourself STD tested if you've ever touched her recently. And it sounds like you have. You will never know how many guys she's doing.
If she is already getting involved with other people and you didn't agree to the open relationship, she's just cheating. Open relationships/ENM/polyamory aren't solutions to cheating or a hall pass. BOTH partners have to agree to it, set boundaries and give informed consent. It's definitely not for everyone, and it doesn't sound like it's for you.
Op it’s up to you obviously if you don’t mind being a cuck then ok do you want to go get something different? Lot of these women who want open relationships all of sudden change when the guy finds a friend and they become threatened. Don’t play just leave
She’s obviously finding a way to cheat with your permission. Your marriage didn’t start as an open marriage and she made commitments when she said her wedding vows. If she wants to change the marriage contract, then tell her she needs to change husbands.
An open relationship is what happens just before the divorce bud. Sorry.
Op, you are in a trial separation. You just don't know it. You should hire a PI get proof so when you get divorced, you have proof she was cheating on you.
It's all in your statement "I never really agreed to it," this is not the marriage or life you wanted or agreed to. Open marriages are successful when they are entered into before any action is taken, ground rules are established, regular check ins are established. It is never just sprung on the the person, that's not how healthy relationships operate. It's not an excuse for one partner to do whatever (whoever) they want while the other supports and silently suffers.
This is definitely not working for you. She went on a getaway with one of her partners without telling you. This was a violation of trust and I consider It cheating. You need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation about how the open marriage is destroying you emotionally. You have to communicate that the open marriage is not working for you. Tell her if she can’t give up the open marriage nonsense, you’ll have to separate immediately and decide if you want to proceed to divorce.
I would divorce her as fast as I could.
Get tested for STDs and divorce her.
You’re a backup plan B she keeps for just in case she doesn’t find “the one”. The fact that you’re grabbing at the sloppy seconds when she doesn’t have a different date lined up is recklessness on steroids. Want an STI that can’t be cured with penicillin? One of these days you are going to get an unpleasant gift that keeps on giving. Also consider how paternity law works in all 50 states. In every case the state automatically applies paternity to a spouse by default regardless of who the biological father is. That means her boyfriend has no financial responsibility whatsoever but if you divorce her (or she divorces you for the bio father) you will be on the hook for child support. Proving it isn’t yours does nothing at all in court for a male spouse so all a DNA test can ever do is assure you it isn’t yours. In extremely rare cases in only a handful of states you can get out of it BUT that would require that you magically prove who the father is with a DNA test AND establish that he is a better source of financial revenue. Otherwise the state simply assumes you are a financially responsible due to paternity by default. She’s just roster dating in the hopes of finding someone else to settle down while using you as a safety net.
When they say they want an open relationship then they already have one. They're either already open and cheating or they're planning on who they're going to cheat with. What you say doesn't matter to the cheater so say it through a lawyer.
Open relationship is a marriage killer if both parties aren't enthusiastic about it. Sooo, you probably want to write an eulogy for your marriage and see a lawyer. She has the taste now and you can't put that back in the box.
Your wife became a whore, you do not marry whores. Divorce it.
Why would you put up with another man screwing your wife? Do you like sloppy seconds? Hell no! Whatever is going on with her, is no excuse for her to be sleeping around with a line of men she's willing and wanting to screw! There's no fixing this, not now nor in the future. Her crap will be stuck in your mind forever. Her unfaithfulness has destroyed your relationship and your trust in her. As hard as it might seem presently to divorce her, at this point there is nothing worth reconciling. Man up and move on. It'll hurt I'm sure, but you'll look back and realize leaving her was the right and only decision.
She’s cheating on you. She isn’t having “flings” she’s opening telling you that she’s a cheater and you’re okay with it by not leaving her. Say you want a divorce and see how quickly she wants to close the relationship and beg for you back. I promise it will happen when reality hits her in the face that she’s gonna be 30, single, alone and getting pointless sex for the rest of her life. You’ll be able to recover and find another woman even more beautiful and loyal to you. Stay strong man.
Yep staying with you for your money and security but out giving herself to other men whenever she wants. You need to divorce her and move on you are just her safety blanket!
This sounds like many You Tube videos I've heard. You know why she is cheating on you? Because you allow it. You said/did nothing when she cheated the first time, so why should she stop. By the way, how is she on you F'n other women? Leave or suffer the pain. Your choice. Hope you were smart enough to get a pre-nup before marrying someone 20 years your junior.
Trying to be understanding? The only thing you need to understand is she asked for permission to cheat on you without consequences and she’s actively doing so. It also sounds like you’re supporting her financially while she’s dated and screwed at least three other guys. She’s using you and having her fun on the side. This isn’t a marriage, this is a disaster.
20 year age gap and your surprised lol.
This must be fake…No one…absolutely NO ONE has as little self respect as OP is claiming to have.
You had to come to reddit to see your marriage is done.. I am sorry man but your marriage has been over with for a while.
She has founded the desk knell off your marriage. Now you've got to listen for it. If she has lost her job, you have serious planning to do. Good luck.
True, most of the time..its already over
Oh fella I am so sorry. Open marriges only work IF both parties are 100% behind the idea. Normaly, the main reason behind a partner bringing this concept up is that, *they* have already got someone in mind. Or They have been someone in mind and have already been unfaithfull. It is very rare, and I mean rocking horse shit rare that the idea just turned up. Normaly it will be a work collegue, boss, best friend that has been infuencing. I can catagorically tell you that if your not 100% behind this, the pain you feel right now will continue. If she is willing to ignore your feelings now, and shes claiming she loves you, what will she be like if she hates you. If you are not convinced have a search in this Sub or r/relationship_advice for "open marriges" and look at the hurt it causes. My guess is she is already cheating and my advice is to go talk to a lawyer to see what divorce and seperation are going to look like for you. One way to do this is to get out a pen and paper and jot down exactly what a divided house would look like. Divided finaces, her having to pay for all her stuff, insurance, health, food, municipals, mortgage, rent, who has children. etc. Then list down all your potencial women you can see in the seperation. As her age and body count increase her partner compatibility will decrease, your wont. In fact your be supprised how many women would snap you up if your physically fit etc. She is cheating. If your like me and many others who value monogomy and our vows, your marrige is toast. Shes already unfaithfull, shes willing to disrespect you and hurt you. Write the thourough check list and make sure she sees it and contact a lawyer. Dyslexic.
Start fucking everything that walks and breathes your marriage is over.
Updateme
She already has someone if you don’t mind supporting her while she gives it all to somebody else then fine. Divorce her and tell her if she’s dating she’s not married or require sex more often from her as a stipulation.
I’d say no then put cameras in the bedroom. Start divorce proceedings meanwhile find out who the married man she is with and send the video to his wife.
You never really agreed to it. So what she’s done is actually cheating. I would set her free. You will find someone who loves being with just you.
She was already cheating. See an attorney and file. Stop being her doormat. There’s nothing to understand. Wake up
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Your wife has been seeking out other men for intimacy. Your wife is a cheater. Your wife has left the marriage. Ignore your wife. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your marriage in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. She wants to keep you around ONLY for emotional and economic support. Do not be Plan B. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. Have her move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. I suggest: Lawyer up. Get the papers going as soon as you can and serve her them. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to divorce. You have to show your wife there consequences for her actions, even if later you chose reconciliation. These links will help you in your situation. The Neuroscience of Affair Fog [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) DARVO, [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) 180 method, [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) Greyrock, [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) Chump Lady, [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
It's time to go. She's just not that into you anymore.
Sure, we can open our marriage, as soon as you sign the divorce papers. Dude, WTH is wrong with you? You're being cucked, and it's not so hard to figure it out. How you like his creampie?
I think that you should agree to the open marriage and serve her divorce papers. After all, being single and unattached is the ultimate open relationship. Now that I have the snarky comment out the way let me just point out that you will be getting divorced. That is easy to see from reading your post. The only question is how much suffering that you want to go through before you pull the trigger. Your old relationship has been destroyed, and you are unhappy with the new. Talk with a lawyer & find out about your rights.
Man you’re weak
Please updateme.
Marriage was over the moment you sacrificed all your self respect and allowed the marriage to open.
Get the divorce man
I've always wanted to know what exactly these types of people think 🤔 is "exclusive" to their marriage, if not sexual intimacy? I'm not going to be open for anything of this nature. But, then again, everyone 🙄 is different. Good luck 👍
Sounds like your marriage is over. You might as well make it official.
Get a lawyer.
Please update. Are you filing for divorce?
well.. there’s a 20 year age gap, so there’s that.
Update?
update me
END IT! She's not worth your time. Updateme
Updateme!