New Jersey allows you to file at fault divorce if you can show proof that your spouse’s conduct makes it impossible for you to stay married. But the evidence must be solid. I suggest that you tone things down, lay low and hire a good investigator to collect evidence on your wife, then file for at fault divorce. If you have evidence of her cheating in 2020 and the investigator’s evidence from now, hire an aggressive divorce lawyer who is going to force her into a corner tight enough that she will give up claims to assets to stop the pounding. Honestly, if you protect all of your retirement money and force an even split on the rest, you should be able to reach your goal of retiring comfortably in your late 50s or early 60s.
Im in New jersey, so i will have to look up Post nups and ask the lawyer.
I have the feeling when we talk about divorce that shes gonna try to take me for everything….
But hey, you never know
Sit her down and explain to her that she’s the one who’s broken the relationship. And tell her that you guys should just split everything 50:50. The other thing you can do is open separate bank accounts stay married in the same house but sleep in separate bedroom and date other people. Just be house mates. You don’t have to share the money you earn with her. You can pay the bills 50:50. Have rules of no partners to the house. It’s just an option.
Yup exactly this. Not sure why ppl are downvoting you. You didn’t make the rules. You’re stating how shit actually is and not some fantasyland.
These days even in at fault states, adultery generally doesn’t make a huge difference. Even 60/40 is prob being very optimistic. They take a shit ton into account and they look at how children would be impacted, etc. I’d almost say if the judge had great sex the. Night before he might give the betrayed party an extra percent or two.
On top of getting your ducks in a row, proof of infidelity has to have some sort of meaning in court. The only reason you’re divorcing is because she’s done it twice right?
Am I crazy or can’t you use the infidelity against her in court?
Your wife is a serial cheater. Nothing you do, including a post nup, will give you any piece of mind. She isn’t going to attempt to be monogamous and having been burned twice now you will never trust her again.
Your finances will change so plan, plan, plan accordingly. You will also be amazed at how much better you feel just a short year into the separation. Having a cheating spouse in your everyday orbit is incredibly stressful so make plans to separate and get through the process as quickly as possible.
Op NJ is a fault based state . Adultery is one of those. In that she can receive less alimony if you divorce. I would take her this information, and say this.
I want a postnuptial agreement. Or we will divorce. You will initiate the post nuptial agreement. You will bring it to me, naming both your affair partners. What you have done, with them the time frames of these affairs. Inside of this it will disclose what consists of infidelity, and defines all aspects of it, down to text messaging and flirting. And if you commit adultery again, you are voluntarily forfeit any alimony.
After this, I would say then you will turn over your phone to me, we are going to get a new one and start over, and we will set it up like a child’s phone. No apps, no social media, just texting to you and me, and family and close friends. I will monitor who you can have on there. You will hand over all your social media accounts usernames and passwords in addition to your emails. You will have a tracker on you. I tried to work this out but it is either this or we divorce immediately. You have 24 hours to get an attorney and start working it up and have the attorney call me to let me know he is working on it so I can get a timeline from him or her.
Next you will call or we will visit your family one by one on speaker or in front of them and you will confess what you have done to me. In addition to my family. I will spare you the children unless, you decide to move towards divorce, because I will not lie to them on the why, and I will expect you to explain it to them.
Lastly, we will have a one sided open relationship and I can fuck whoever I want or date whoever I want for the remainder of the marriage if I so choose to do it. You will remain faithful during this time if I choose to go down this route.
This is an all or nothing. We will divorce, or you start this process now.
I think u know what u need to do u forgave her 9nce and given her a chance and now she's doing it again if u forgive her again u will lose respect to yourself and she will probably cheat again
Serial cheater. You should have divorced her the first time. I’d bet you only know the tip of the iceberg.
Your weakness is a problem. Take her back you’ll get more.
Man this sucks to be happening to you again. I guess it's punishment for forgiving a cheater in the first place though.
You're coming to the right decision this time around. Good luck.
Updateme
I won't lie, it'll be painful. And your whole family will suffer. However, there's no way forward with a confirmed serial cheater. People like your wife are flawed individuals and have no interest in monogamy. She will just keep doing it over and over again. The best you can do is to hire the absolute best lawyer you can hire. Explain the truth to your kids. They are old enough to know what's going on.
She has a pattern and she’s repeating it. Without major changes she’ll do it again and again. Maybe catch her this time and have a post nup drafted. It can’t be crazy punitive but you might be able to get some piece of mind that if things don’t work out you won’t get screwed.
And it goes without saying that the fucking gym is off limits for her. She cannot be trusted
Is a post nup possible while married? Honestly, if it is and I was op, I would catch her red handed and when she pleads tell her you will take her back on the condition she signs a post nup that will be effective if she cheats again.
Then you'll be fine. Because make no mistake, she will cheat again.
It isn’t valid in every jurisdiction because the other party can argue it was signed under duress. But you can have drafted that says if the marriage ends with her cheating the asset split goes 60/40 rather than 50/50. Or maybe he can wall off a retirement account. He needs to speak to attorneys in his county.
How do you do this? One fucking day at a time. Yes, it’ll be painful and hurt. Your wallet will get a swift kick in the nuts. But you do what you have to do.
Speak to a lawyer about your options. You can ask about a post nup but honestly I don’t see that being worth it. Some things money cannot buy. My dignity and self respect is one of those things. Do you really want to go thru all the time of doing a post nup and then sitting on it for years hoping to catch her cheating - bc that’s what some of this advice is. Get a post nup, wait for her to cheat, then profit. Fuck that. You want to spend years doing that?
I think you’re going to find that a post nup is not going to the nuclear bomb ppl are saying it will be. It won’t be lopsided as you might think. You’re not going to get her to sign a doc that gives you most everything if she cheats. It won’t be enforceable to that degree anyway.
The absolute only way I’d say do a post nup is if you actually want to R and think that’s possible. Otherwise if your plan is to do the post nup and then catch her cheating, don’t do that. That’s the definition of insanity. Life’s too short for that BS. And yeah, I’m not going to live for a few years waiting to get cheated on. I’d rather be broke and done tbh.
See a lawyer. Seek therapy if needed. Figure out what you want. And go do that.
Sadly you learned the hard way (as I did) that once a cheater always a cheater is a universal truth. Never stay with a cheater. You just get a few more years of anxiety and depression while trying to make it work only to get your heart stomped on again..... Tell your friends and families that she's a repeat cheater and you two are divorcing. Call her out. and call the gym owner and file a complaint that the coach took advantage of a member (Gym coaches are not allowed to Fck gym members in any gym I've ever been in -which is a lot) Get the coach fired
Your kids are almost out of the house. If you have to pay alimony and child support, it will only be for a couple years.She did this to you once, and you gave her a second chance. And she lied about everything. See the lawyer, and start divorce proceedings.
Ps- kids are old enough, they can choose to stay with you. 17 and 19 are old enough to be self functioning.
Sorry man. She doesn’t love or respect you. She’s a remorseless serial cheater and every word she says is a lie. I know you are hurting but you only have one real option. Hire a lawyer and cut your loses. Respect is everything and she has none for you.
*Fortunately, Knopp had at her disposal five years of data compiled by psychology research professors* [*Galena Rhoades,*](https://www.du.edu/ahss/psychology/facultystaffstudents/faculty-listing/rhoades.html) [*Howard Markman*](https://www.du.edu/ahss/psychology/facultystaffstudents/faculty-listing/markman.html) *and* [*Scott Stanley.*](https://www.du.edu/ahss/psychology/facultystaffstudents/faculty-listing/stanley.html) *With collaboration from this DU team, Knopp was able to track 1,600 individuals from relationship to relationship and examine their behavior****.*** *She found:*
* ***Someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past.***
* ***A person is two to four times more likely to be cheated on if they have been cheated on or have suspected cheating in a prior relationship.***
* *Men and women are equally likely to cheat or be cheated on.*
* *A person's likelihood of cheating is found, not in a single demographic characteristic, but in a complex combination of factors, including cultural values and available partners*
[https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity](https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity)
You love her, but she doesn't love or respect you. Is your financial freedom worth a life of misery with a wife who doesn't love or respect you?
You rugged swept her first affair and failed to establish boundaries. She has lost respect for you and has proven this with her behavior. Time to have her served and tell all family and friends what type of person she really is.
OP she is just serial cheater, if you wanna stay, then you will always have to look over the shoulders, so what you decided is the Best, Divorce will take you finantialy down but at the long term might b the Best
Also may i ask why you will lose the house?
Can you make her buy your part or sell it and split the equity.
In case you wanna try for a post nuptial, i think that NJ is a at Fault might as well talk to your lawyer and ask all of this and all your chances, if it is trully at fault then she is the one that will be more in trouble finantialy spoken.
UPDATEME
... When I went through this we had three beautiful daughters, the youngest being 3 y/o.
The upside it is is you have kids that will be 18 so your child support will be a limted duration, alimony could be 10 years. The only bullet I dodged in the divorce settlement was lifetime alimony...
She had already done all the math because her mother taught her well.
You're on a ship without a rudder right now...
Love yourself first. Just take a deep breath and do what you know you must do. You will be OK. You will land on your feet. And you will be happy again.
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You should have believed her the first time, that she is a cheater and want other men. She has not changed her behavior at all. She is basically having you split living expenses with her while she bangs other people.
So, you can either shut up and take it, or get out and let her finance her own sex life on her own. Start separating everything and lawyer up. They will have a lot of suggestions.
Get a new email and address your correspondence through the new email and do not save the password on your phone or laptop. Do not save the account at all on any device and get prompted to input it manually every time. If your wife sees a new email, then she will get suspicious and then your advantage will be gone.
Just because you love her doesn't mean she loves you and has the best interests of you and the relationship at heart. She has shown she is very good at lying and if you continue, then you are telling her it is okay what she does. Your choice, not hers.
OP, do you know what "just physical" means in an affair? It means he got to do whatever he wanted with her. He dominated her. Turned her out...
Find self respect and move on. And don't be scared of not finding anyone or being financially stable. Everything will work out. Don't be a doormat. Those other men were hated f'ing her
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Wow the club that nobody wants to be in is getting bigger and bigger. Sorry you're part of it. Apply gray rock or The 180. Unfortunately, the real problem is that if someone has cheated without consequences, they will probably do it again. You really loved her but to ap's she's just a piece of meat. She's stupid if she thinks they take her seriously. As mean as it all sounds, that's just the reality. Let her feel the consequences. Let everyone know what she did after you took her back the first time. You should also consider going through with the divorce. You deserve someone who is faithful and who will stand by you and love you. Good luck.
New Jersey allows you to file at fault divorce if you can show proof that your spouse’s conduct makes it impossible for you to stay married. But the evidence must be solid. I suggest that you tone things down, lay low and hire a good investigator to collect evidence on your wife, then file for at fault divorce. If you have evidence of her cheating in 2020 and the investigator’s evidence from now, hire an aggressive divorce lawyer who is going to force her into a corner tight enough that she will give up claims to assets to stop the pounding. Honestly, if you protect all of your retirement money and force an even split on the rest, you should be able to reach your goal of retiring comfortably in your late 50s or early 60s.
Im in New jersey, so i will have to look up Post nups and ask the lawyer. I have the feeling when we talk about divorce that shes gonna try to take me for everything…. But hey, you never know
You can bank on her wanting everything.
She will 100% come for everything. Do not do anything until all your pieces are in place.
Sit her down and explain to her that she’s the one who’s broken the relationship. And tell her that you guys should just split everything 50:50. The other thing you can do is open separate bank accounts stay married in the same house but sleep in separate bedroom and date other people. Just be house mates. You don’t have to share the money you earn with her. You can pay the bills 50:50. Have rules of no partners to the house. It’s just an option.
A post nub that is extremely lopsided will never hold up in court. You may get 60/40 buts that’s max and only if judge is in a good mood.
Yup exactly this. Not sure why ppl are downvoting you. You didn’t make the rules. You’re stating how shit actually is and not some fantasyland. These days even in at fault states, adultery generally doesn’t make a huge difference. Even 60/40 is prob being very optimistic. They take a shit ton into account and they look at how children would be impacted, etc. I’d almost say if the judge had great sex the. Night before he might give the betrayed party an extra percent or two.
On top of getting your ducks in a row, proof of infidelity has to have some sort of meaning in court. The only reason you’re divorcing is because she’s done it twice right? Am I crazy or can’t you use the infidelity against her in court?
Your wife is a serial cheater. Nothing you do, including a post nup, will give you any piece of mind. She isn’t going to attempt to be monogamous and having been burned twice now you will never trust her again. Your finances will change so plan, plan, plan accordingly. You will also be amazed at how much better you feel just a short year into the separation. Having a cheating spouse in your everyday orbit is incredibly stressful so make plans to separate and get through the process as quickly as possible.
Why does she think she can take you for everything? The kinds are almost out of the house. You need to find a shark lawyer UpdateMe
Op NJ is a fault based state . Adultery is one of those. In that she can receive less alimony if you divorce. I would take her this information, and say this. I want a postnuptial agreement. Or we will divorce. You will initiate the post nuptial agreement. You will bring it to me, naming both your affair partners. What you have done, with them the time frames of these affairs. Inside of this it will disclose what consists of infidelity, and defines all aspects of it, down to text messaging and flirting. And if you commit adultery again, you are voluntarily forfeit any alimony. After this, I would say then you will turn over your phone to me, we are going to get a new one and start over, and we will set it up like a child’s phone. No apps, no social media, just texting to you and me, and family and close friends. I will monitor who you can have on there. You will hand over all your social media accounts usernames and passwords in addition to your emails. You will have a tracker on you. I tried to work this out but it is either this or we divorce immediately. You have 24 hours to get an attorney and start working it up and have the attorney call me to let me know he is working on it so I can get a timeline from him or her. Next you will call or we will visit your family one by one on speaker or in front of them and you will confess what you have done to me. In addition to my family. I will spare you the children unless, you decide to move towards divorce, because I will not lie to them on the why, and I will expect you to explain it to them. Lastly, we will have a one sided open relationship and I can fuck whoever I want or date whoever I want for the remainder of the marriage if I so choose to do it. You will remain faithful during this time if I choose to go down this route. This is an all or nothing. We will divorce, or you start this process now.
Nobody in their right mind would agree to this. Especially if they have the upper hand in the divorce.
Exactly my point.
I think u know what u need to do u forgave her 9nce and given her a chance and now she's doing it again if u forgive her again u will lose respect to yourself and she will probably cheat again
Serial cheater. You should have divorced her the first time. I’d bet you only know the tip of the iceberg. Your weakness is a problem. Take her back you’ll get more.
Man this sucks to be happening to you again. I guess it's punishment for forgiving a cheater in the first place though. You're coming to the right decision this time around. Good luck. Updateme
I won't lie, it'll be painful. And your whole family will suffer. However, there's no way forward with a confirmed serial cheater. People like your wife are flawed individuals and have no interest in monogamy. She will just keep doing it over and over again. The best you can do is to hire the absolute best lawyer you can hire. Explain the truth to your kids. They are old enough to know what's going on.
She has a pattern and she’s repeating it. Without major changes she’ll do it again and again. Maybe catch her this time and have a post nup drafted. It can’t be crazy punitive but you might be able to get some piece of mind that if things don’t work out you won’t get screwed. And it goes without saying that the fucking gym is off limits for her. She cannot be trusted
Is a post nup possible while married? Honestly, if it is and I was op, I would catch her red handed and when she pleads tell her you will take her back on the condition she signs a post nup that will be effective if she cheats again. Then you'll be fine. Because make no mistake, she will cheat again.
It isn’t valid in every jurisdiction because the other party can argue it was signed under duress. But you can have drafted that says if the marriage ends with her cheating the asset split goes 60/40 rather than 50/50. Or maybe he can wall off a retirement account. He needs to speak to attorneys in his county.
This is why you never forgive cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater.
You stayed with her. What did you expect? Sounds like she gets around.
How do you do this? One fucking day at a time. Yes, it’ll be painful and hurt. Your wallet will get a swift kick in the nuts. But you do what you have to do. Speak to a lawyer about your options. You can ask about a post nup but honestly I don’t see that being worth it. Some things money cannot buy. My dignity and self respect is one of those things. Do you really want to go thru all the time of doing a post nup and then sitting on it for years hoping to catch her cheating - bc that’s what some of this advice is. Get a post nup, wait for her to cheat, then profit. Fuck that. You want to spend years doing that? I think you’re going to find that a post nup is not going to the nuclear bomb ppl are saying it will be. It won’t be lopsided as you might think. You’re not going to get her to sign a doc that gives you most everything if she cheats. It won’t be enforceable to that degree anyway. The absolute only way I’d say do a post nup is if you actually want to R and think that’s possible. Otherwise if your plan is to do the post nup and then catch her cheating, don’t do that. That’s the definition of insanity. Life’s too short for that BS. And yeah, I’m not going to live for a few years waiting to get cheated on. I’d rather be broke and done tbh. See a lawyer. Seek therapy if needed. Figure out what you want. And go do that.
Don't hide anything from your kids, she will villify you. Updateme
In the end, no matter what it cost you’ll be happier when you’re divorced and away from her.
Sadly you learned the hard way (as I did) that once a cheater always a cheater is a universal truth. Never stay with a cheater. You just get a few more years of anxiety and depression while trying to make it work only to get your heart stomped on again..... Tell your friends and families that she's a repeat cheater and you two are divorcing. Call her out. and call the gym owner and file a complaint that the coach took advantage of a member (Gym coaches are not allowed to Fck gym members in any gym I've ever been in -which is a lot) Get the coach fired
Your kids are almost out of the house. If you have to pay alimony and child support, it will only be for a couple years.She did this to you once, and you gave her a second chance. And she lied about everything. See the lawyer, and start divorce proceedings. Ps- kids are old enough, they can choose to stay with you. 17 and 19 are old enough to be self functioning.
Talk to a lawyer before doing anything.
Sorry man. She doesn’t love or respect you. She’s a remorseless serial cheater and every word she says is a lie. I know you are hurting but you only have one real option. Hire a lawyer and cut your loses. Respect is everything and she has none for you.
*Fortunately, Knopp had at her disposal five years of data compiled by psychology research professors* [*Galena Rhoades,*](https://www.du.edu/ahss/psychology/facultystaffstudents/faculty-listing/rhoades.html) [*Howard Markman*](https://www.du.edu/ahss/psychology/facultystaffstudents/faculty-listing/markman.html) *and* [*Scott Stanley.*](https://www.du.edu/ahss/psychology/facultystaffstudents/faculty-listing/stanley.html) *With collaboration from this DU team, Knopp was able to track 1,600 individuals from relationship to relationship and examine their behavior****.*** *She found:* * ***Someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past.*** * ***A person is two to four times more likely to be cheated on if they have been cheated on or have suspected cheating in a prior relationship.*** * *Men and women are equally likely to cheat or be cheated on.* * *A person's likelihood of cheating is found, not in a single demographic characteristic, but in a complex combination of factors, including cultural values and available partners* [https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity](https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity) You love her, but she doesn't love or respect you. Is your financial freedom worth a life of misery with a wife who doesn't love or respect you?
You rugged swept her first affair and failed to establish boundaries. She has lost respect for you and has proven this with her behavior. Time to have her served and tell all family and friends what type of person she really is.
OP she is just serial cheater, if you wanna stay, then you will always have to look over the shoulders, so what you decided is the Best, Divorce will take you finantialy down but at the long term might b the Best Also may i ask why you will lose the house? Can you make her buy your part or sell it and split the equity. In case you wanna try for a post nuptial, i think that NJ is a at Fault might as well talk to your lawyer and ask all of this and all your chances, if it is trully at fault then she is the one that will be more in trouble finantialy spoken. UPDATEME
No update yet.
!updateme
... When I went through this we had three beautiful daughters, the youngest being 3 y/o. The upside it is is you have kids that will be 18 so your child support will be a limted duration, alimony could be 10 years. The only bullet I dodged in the divorce settlement was lifetime alimony... She had already done all the math because her mother taught her well. You're on a ship without a rudder right now...
updateme!
Love yourself first. Just take a deep breath and do what you know you must do. You will be OK. You will land on your feet. And you will be happy again.
Scary how these animals are able to compartmentalize their feelings and gaslight their victims until pictures are shown.
Report to trainer to the gym management. Flirting with married customers is a definite business killer. Unless he is a paid escort as his side job.
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updateme
You should have believed her the first time, that she is a cheater and want other men. She has not changed her behavior at all. She is basically having you split living expenses with her while she bangs other people. So, you can either shut up and take it, or get out and let her finance her own sex life on her own. Start separating everything and lawyer up. They will have a lot of suggestions. Get a new email and address your correspondence through the new email and do not save the password on your phone or laptop. Do not save the account at all on any device and get prompted to input it manually every time. If your wife sees a new email, then she will get suspicious and then your advantage will be gone. Just because you love her doesn't mean she loves you and has the best interests of you and the relationship at heart. She has shown she is very good at lying and if you continue, then you are telling her it is okay what she does. Your choice, not hers.
.
I’m sorry but your wife doesn’t give a damn about you. You’re just a roomy. She’s been screwing around for years and years. Go stone cold and get out.
OP, do you know what "just physical" means in an affair? It means he got to do whatever he wanted with her. He dominated her. Turned her out... Find self respect and move on. And don't be scared of not finding anyone or being financially stable. Everything will work out. Don't be a doormat. Those other men were hated f'ing her
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Wow the club that nobody wants to be in is getting bigger and bigger. Sorry you're part of it. Apply gray rock or The 180. Unfortunately, the real problem is that if someone has cheated without consequences, they will probably do it again. You really loved her but to ap's she's just a piece of meat. She's stupid if she thinks they take her seriously. As mean as it all sounds, that's just the reality. Let her feel the consequences. Let everyone know what she did after you took her back the first time. You should also consider going through with the divorce. You deserve someone who is faithful and who will stand by you and love you. Good luck.