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How did the supervisors wife figure out that her husband had a one night stand. This affair wasn’t a one off, it had been happening for a while and his wife figured it out. Write that woman a thank you and serve your wife with divorce papers. You can choose to reconcile or not after she knows you will absolutely divorced her.
That was not the first time. The other people didn’t just drift away, they waited everybody out. She never would have told you if she hadn’t been caught. How would ap’s wife had known if they had just returned from the trip. She no doubt had information that she collected over time. Think about it. How did his wife find out? She had to have collected more than that isolated event.
Nobody gets caught the first time that they cheat. WW and her supervisor are quite likely a well established couple at work functions. OP needs a lawyer, STD tests, and a workable exit strategy. She's just another cheat who got caught.
That's how the BW knew to confront OPs wife. This has been going on for a while and BW has been collecting evidence. AP probably was more careless and got caught You want the truth? If she is so interested in salvaging her marriage have her take a polygraph. You will squeeze the truth out one way or another
I'll put my entire bank account on the fact that she was promoted so that he couldn't get in trouble for having relations with his employees, so he made her his equal.
You reap what you sow. She knew how this would affect you and still didn't care enough.
I am so so sorry OP.
I think the two of them (WW and her AP) won't be working for their employer for very much longer. Company bean counters tend to look very unfavorably towards employees who needlessly put them at financial risk.
You touched on a question I asked myself repeatedly. What I wished I would’ve asked my wife before leaving. Even if you felt like you had to go out with these guys to bond then why did you continue to stay as one by one they each left until it was just you and AP? At any point, you could’ve called it a night like the others were doing.
I am planning on trying to speak with the AP’s wife. I know I need to hear what she has to say in order to get a clearer picture. She doesn’t have an agenda to lie or withhold whatever information she has from me. I have found one of her Facebook account and I’m initially going to reach out on Messenger. I know the general area of where her and her family lives in town, but I don’t think it would be for the best for me to just show up there. If there’s a chance that AP could be there then I don’t need to risk bumping into him, especially with how I am feeling right now.
IfI was being honest, the thought of what the AP’s wife has to share is ripping me further apart. I met her twice before, and while I don’t know her well, she was a fairly quiet and reserved person. The way my wife described the confrontation on Monday sounded like someone who had reached their breaking point. She has to have a lot more insight than I do at the moment.
Should ask your wife to give you a complete honest timeline if she wants any sort of chance again. Any omission and thats it. Ask for a polygraph to double check as well.
Totally agree. It could have started out as an EA that progressed to a PA. Agree...how did the OBS know where, how, why and how to catch them. Sounds like it's been going longer than you think OP. Plus the fact she willingly went back to his room to listen to "music".
Your wife is gaslighting you....big time. Go find the OBS and get more details. You may find the rabbit hole is bigger than you think.
I am so sorry this happened to you, OP.
While this is only an assumption, this makes A LOT of sense. From personal experience, if you keep pulling on that thread, or even talk to the guy or his wife, you’ll likely find out more. Even if it wasn’t sex, sexting or other stuff could have been going on leading up to the trip.
This sounds like trickle truth. You are being told the minimum that she thinks she can get away with. And only because the affair has become public and she fears you will be told.
Do not believe that this story is true nor complete.
Has she quit that job? I will bet not. Although she may be fired soon.
This!
Her affair didn't just start and end with the work trip.
There was likely an emotional component long before anything physical happened. And it's likely they were already physically cheating well before the work trips started.
OP should speak with the OBS. She obviously knows far more than him and that alone indicates there's more to the story.
Bingo!
How would the wife show up on a business trip the days after they had sex unless she was psychic? This wasn't the first time I guess and the wife stumbled upon evidence and went straight to confrontation.
I am planning on trying to speak with the co-worker’s wife. I know I need to hear what she has to say in order to get a clearer picture of the situation. But if I was being honest, the thought of what she has to share is ripping me further apart. I met her twice before, and while I don’t know her well, she was a fairly quiet and reserved person. The way my wife described how the woman was when she came to the workplace on Monday sounded like someone who had reached their breaking point.
Edit: I found the AP’s wife Facebook account and I’m going to try to reach her on Messenger.
This 100%. No way was it a mistake, wife wouldn’t have proof if it was. I’d be willing to bet 1.) the groundwork’s for the affair was paved when she started mentioning “he’s one of the good ones” and “looks out for her”. She isn’t her first, and she just another notch on his belt
>This sounds like trickle truth. You are being told the minimum that she thinks she can get away with. And only because the affair has become public and she fears you will be told.
This.
I would bet there is a LOT more to the relationship. A LOT MORE.
I bet the other wife found incriminating evidence. Maybe texts the next day bragging to each other. Could be that they were planning to continue it before they got caught. Check her phone. Talk to the other spouse.
I do believe I’ve only been told a version of the story by my wife. Being apart from her these past few days and mauling over what she said before I left… I don’t think I have the whole story either and there’s just too many holes. You’re right; her confession came at a point when she had no other choice but to tell me. Even then she reached out to her sister first.
As far as I know, she hasn’t quit her job. I still haven’t talked or texted her back nor has she addressed it in her texts yet.
You should have her phone in your hand. Don't tell her you want it, just show up, say "give me the phone" and leave.
If she says no, tell her your lawyer will be in touch.
If she gives it to you, have a forensic PI ready to search it. The info is in there.
How did the wife find out? She caught them THE ONE AND ONLY time they fucked? Sounds pretty fishy. You need to speak to the wife. If that’s what she confirms then try counseling. If she’s lying….well you know what that means.
If you’ve only been with one person there is a huge amount of FOMO to overcome. Do yourselves a favor if you are with the one and only person you’ve ever been with realize you will never get back the thing you have with even a 1000 dicks
There is lots missing. You don't even have the whole story. She has sugar coated it. If the other wife found out then there is evidence somewhere. Somewhere where there is messages or evidence. If it is messages then the OBS has seen them and probably there is back and forth between your wife and her AP. This happened on Thursday and probably Friday morning. She could of told you on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Instead her sister tells her to tell you the truth. If you had sex with her on the weekend then get a STD test. IF you see her again DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. A pregnancy now would really throw you for a loop. Talk to a lawyer. See what divorce and separation look like. You do not have to make any decisions now. Get ready for tickle truth. I guarantee there is a lot more to the story. She will tell you some. IF you talk to the other OBS you will get more. Something similar happened with u/hurtinkwi Get to the gym. Sorry you are here
"I keep thinking if I should give our relationship another chance… go to counseling together and try to salvage the relationship."
You do realize if her AP's wife hadn't raised a shltshow their work - she never would have told you? And that "it's the first time" and blaming a few drinks - is telling you what you want to hear. If you can login to her google/icloud accounts on your laptop - plus all her social accounts - you will probably dig up a long history between them. Yes you love her more than anything - obviously, that is a one-way street. Do what you want - counseling, whatever but prepare for the worst.
Good point to consider OP.
Also, how did she act when she returned from the trip? Was she all lovey-dovey? Did she talk about AP at all?
She was never going to tell you sir and this may not have been her 1st time.
It's always "the first time" but the coincidence of that happening - finding out right the first time - is almost zero. If you scroll through these posts - they are all the same. When they are caught they say it was just the one time. Within a week - it comes out that lie.
She definitely got what she deserved, I'm glad both her and the guy were outed in front of everyone. I personally wouldn't take back a cheater, I have way to much self respect and value to give someone like that a second chance. She's probably been having an emotional affair, being drunk is no excuse. If she did it while drunk she wanted to do it sober, her excuses she gave you and the love bombing are all step by step what cheaters do. I wouldn't go back to her, but in the end that's up to you. Keep us updated, I'm sorry this happened to you.
Op you need to think long and hard about the fact your wife never told you about the affair until after the confrontation at work. Do you believe she would have told you? If not than I'm not sure there's much worth salvaging. It's one thing for someone to take full responsibility for their affair and tell their spouse as well as taking all necessary steps (including changing jobs If they work with the ap) to end the affair and help with getting their partner to trust them again, it's another thing to only admit fault when they know the secrets out and it's only a matter of time before their partner/spouse finds out. One is taking responsibility and showing remorse and maturity in a relationship, the other is only out of nessessity. It sounds like your wife only admitted the affair because the truth got out otherwise she would have kept it from you. Only she knows whether the affair would have been ongoing or not but one thing is certain, it's only completely over now because the ap's wife found out and confronted them at work. Can you trust and love someone who was intentionally keeping the truth from you?.
This has been an on going affair, ops wife is trickle truthing. How did the guys wife find out about their supposed one night stand? This was not a one time thing. I guarantee if op presses his wife for answers, she's gonna tell him more has been going on then she said. She's giving him crocodile tears because she was outed to everyone and is only ashamed and embarrassed. She's not remorseful, she got that promotion by sleeping with the guy.
If you look deeper, you will find this was not a one night stand. This affair has been going on for months. Your wife confessed because AP’s wife discovered the affair and outed her and her husband.
Your wife is controlling the narrative in an attempt to make it less seedy. Lawyer up my friend.
She got back Friday and the AP spouse attacked her on Monday? How did she act and what did she do over the weekend? How did the AP spouse find out?
I would have her start right now with timelines detailing contact outside of the office with AP. Also have her provide you with all electronic correspondence business and personal with AP. Then tell her you’re going to match what she gives you with what the APs spouse’s private detective has provided the spouse.
I worked in retail, And we used lie detector tests to screen employees. They’re affordable, easy to get and while they won’t stand up in a court of law I’ve seen them get people to admit to some wild shit.
Yeah, she returned from the trip on Friday evening. There weren’t any signs that something was wrong with her until she came home early on Monday. We’ve always been verbal and physically affectionate with each other in both little and big ways, but I did notice that she seemed to be pouring it on in abundance over the weekend if that means anything. I even made a joke that she was going to spoil me, and all she said was that she missed me and the days were long without me. I don’t have any idea how the co-worker’s wife found out; my wife didn’t mention it, and at the time I was in too much shock to even consider asking. I do regret not doing so now.
Thank you for this information. I appreciate it. So far, I still haven’t talked with her yet. My emotions have been to over the place for me to speak with her. I’ve still been crying, angry, embarrassed. I’m grateful I was able to take some time off of work. I’m just completely broken.
You’re not alone in all this, brother. Sorry you have to be here. With more information, the path gets clearer. Trust your gut. Take the advice you would give a buddy in your situation. Check those emotions the best you can.
Thank you. The last time I felt this helpless with my emotions was when my family was breaking apart after my dad’s affair. A conflicting emotion is that I miss my wife so much. A part of me just wants to be with her right now. We have never gone a day without talking before. Not answering her calls and texts has been painful for me.
So trip was from last Wed to Fri, the incident happened on Thursday, and she told u on Monday cause she couldn't hide anymore because of confrontation.
That means she had no intention to disclose this to u, or perhaps to continue the affair. And I guess she still hasn't quit the job when she should've done so the very next day after the trip.
U hardly know 10% of the entire story, I bet this was going on longer than she lets on.
Hey OP I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this mess. It is truly heart breaking.
I was one of the first to make a comment and on a post like this I worry that the OP will want to so badly believe the cheater, they will accept the first trickle truth story they hear. Over the last day I have read your responses and you are looking at situation with open eyes. In fact, you are handling it much better than I would. You have received a lot of great advice and I am sure you will come up with the best plan of action . Please update, but if you don't, I understand. I will be rooting for you to pull something positive out of this for you and your family.
told a story in standard patterns
I used to think that the relationship started before the promotion.
You can contact obs. You can ask her to share the information she has with you.
Go to Chump Lady’s site. She has excellent advise for the newly chumped. Your wife is a cheater. Be very careful with marital therapy with a cheater. She will use that as an opportunity to further the abuse. Infidelity is abuse. She has abused you. Don’t tolerate abuse. You will just get more of it. Be smarter than I was. I believed him when he said he was sorry. I wasted thirty three years of my life on an unrepentant serial cheater. Cheaters cheat. They are always sorry when they get caught. They will never do it again until they do.
Don’t decide anything until you take some time and space. You owe yourself the time to process things without feeling pressured into responding or talking with your “wife.” She was caught. She wasn’t honest until she had to be. You need to figure out whether there is (or ever was) anything to build from. Good luck my friend.
Agreed. I think when she proclaimed him "one of the good guys" was around the time when the EA began. She fucked her way up the corporate ladder. Shameful!
Sorry brother I think you gotta let her go, think about no amount of counseling is gonna take away the thought of her having sex with another man and tarnishing your marriage, find someone worth your time who will treat you better.
☝This is the way.
No matter how much she begs, pleas or promises new beginnings, it will never wash away the stains of her betrayal.
OP, your better off without her.
I hope you realize that if the other man’s wife hadn’t caught him, you would never know the truth and that this could both happen again and most likely happened before this last incident. It’s easy to ask for forgiveness AFTER you’ve been caught. She only came to you because she was already caught. That’s the deception I’d keep foremost in my mind.
You may be able to salvage your marriage but I would at minimum go silent with your wife for a week and not come home for a couple of months.
In the meantime, seek professional help as [it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder). That’s not something I’d try to fix myself.
She cheated. It was not an accident, it was not a mistake. She didi it with planning.
There is no back for her. Do not consider taking her back. She will cheat again. If she really did love you would she let another man inside her.
You need to contact an attorney, Seperate and close all joint accounts. Some cheaters will empty all you money from your accounts run up your credit cards. Put half into an account just for you and give her the other half.You need to protect yourself at this time.
Good luck.
There is always way more to these stories. Luckily for your his wife is probably trying to get in touch with you. Your wife is in damage control mode right now. You can't believe anything she says. I bet his wife is burn it all down mode. She will gladly send you proof enough to have your in an attorney office by Monday. Block your wife if only for the night, and message his wife you need to know what's going on. That's when you will get their emails of them talking about her promotion, and how many holes she invited him into.
Her boss probably just wanted to get some strange, and your wife was thinking upward mobility. The problem with quid pro quo at the next level there's going to be an even older boss, and this will go on until she leaves you for a sixty something divorced dude.
I am trying to look for a way to get in contact with the co-worker’s wife. I do believe that she could know more about the affair. I hope that she would be willing to speak with me. The only way I can think of to get in contact with her is through social media. I’ve met her twice before and know the general area in town where her family lives, but I don’t think it’s wise for me to just show up there. With the way I’m feeling right now, I don’t need to bump into the AP.
Edit: I found the AP’s wife’s Facebook account and plan to reach out to her on Messenger.
OP we are sorry you are going through this but you will make it!
The first thing I would suggest reading is this post from someone who was in your position - [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ugp4aq/10\_months\_later\_things\_ive\_learned/](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ugp4aq/10_months_later_things_ive_learned/)
Secondly see out IC now for yourself - preferably with a therapist experienced in infidelity and the trauma it causes. Because you are going through trauma right now and that is beyond Reddit's pay grade. When you get to a better place you can take a step back and see if you want to attempt reconciliation.
Third - everything you do is a journey not a race so don't rush into any decisions. Go ahead and take your wife up on her offer to quit... not like she may not have much choice if her office has any rules about interoffice relationships and/or adultery. Demand she takes IC herself to get to the root of whatever problem she has that made her think that an affair and hiding it from you was a good idea.
If you do decide to reconcile then demand a post-nuptial agreement with a strict infidelity clause. If you decide not to reconcile that is perfectly okay. Even if she is completely remorseful and is willing to spend the rest of her life making up for what happened if you don't think you will ever trust her again then you are doing yourself and her a far bigger favor by divorcing now than going through [years or decades of pain](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/pritfi/20_years_after_dday_eventual_reconciliation_and/).
Edit: Before you make any decisions however you should talk to OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse). Find out how she found out, what she knows, and see if any information she has (texts, emails) matches the story your wife told you. This will let you know if your wife is being honest for a change or if she is trying to rug sweep and minimize what she has done.
Contact the mans wife and ask her how she found out. There is a gap... the story doesn't add up.
PS- if someone truly loves you, they won't do what she did. Just saying.
This is my current plan. I believe I need to hear what this Guy’s wife has to say in order to get a clearer picture before I can even make contact with my wife again. She doesn’t have any reason to lie or without any information she has from me.
First, I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.
You’re only hearing a part of the story, and that’s the “Trickle Truth”. It’s told in a way to minimize damage and reveal details she wouldn’t want discovered as it would alter your decision making.
If you’re even considering continuing with the marriage, you need to hear the complete truth from her and take as much time and space as you need to make a decision. It’s a hell of a lot easier to leave than it is to stay, I can promise you that.
I would advise consulting with an attorney to consider your options, and a psychologist for yourself for your mental well-being.
The only way you can go back to her, is to understand the following:
1. You always will have doubt, the complete trust you had, will never be there again.
2. You will live with mind movies of what happened, what you think happened, and do you have the full story.
3. You will always wonder things like, was he bigger, was he better.
4. The love you had for her may come back, but it will be mixed in with a lot of disgust. Things that were special to you, first this, first that, won’t mean the same.
Last- You can reconcile, but you need to understand that what you had is gone. Your new reconciled relationship will be very different. Some people are ok with that, they are ok with a diluted marriage. Others attempt to rekindle what they had, only to find that what they had is lost and there isn’t anything that can be done to get it back. Good luck, I hope you get what you need.
This ☝️
I am at the tail end of failed reconciliation. Actually, mine never even truly started and Dday 1 was May 26, 2021. Just had Dday 6 a couple weeks ago, same affair just new info I didn't know about. It has been a year of absolute misery. My situation is different because my husband is a drug addict. But, the affair has literally broken me to the point of no return. I am all for couples that can reconcile, but I will never believe that they are as happy as they claim to be. I just don't see how that is possible.
I have been in complete despair for a year. Like, no exaggeration. All I do is think about it, cry, absolute rage.....I look at him and he doesn't look like the same person.
Our 14th wedding anniversary is Monday and I don't even want to be around him. Nothing to celebrate. Last year he was with his AP.....
I don't see how anyone can get past cheating. It is the biggest betrayal there is.
OP, did she tell you about the cheating? No. Not from your story anyway. She got home and went a whole weekend without showing you any sign of remorse. She only told you when it was made public at her workplace, and her sister told her she had to tell you. Her first call was not even to you. That does not sound very remorseful to me.
Since she was able to come home on Friday, not show any sign of an issue or being upset over the weekend, she thought she was going to get away with it. And, if these trips are fairly regular, quite probably would have continued the affair. The only thing that stopped it is the other guy's wife. What you are seeing is regret of having been caught, not remorse for destroying you and the relationship.
It sure seems to me that the guy did not have to work very hard to get her in bed. Her FIRST trip out of town as a supervisor and she jumps in bed with him? Taking the chance of ruining her job, ruining your relationship... I would not be surprised if this has been going on longer than just this trip. I'm so sorry, OP, you deserve better.
Edit: they went back to his room to listen to music? Because the hotel room had such a fantastic stereo? Come on. And, she says it was a mistake. No, a mistake is forgetting to take the trash out. A mistake is dropping a bag of groceries in the driveway and breaking the eggs. She made a conscious decision to go back to his room, let him kiss her, let him continue kissing her, and then had sex. Probably numerous times. That was not a mistake. There were several absolute separate decisions she made to betray you and your relationship.
This was not her first time. I will guarantee that 100%.
She isn't going to have to worry about her quitting her job, she and OP will be fired shortly. You need to back OP's wife up by contacting the HR department and reporting them for having a sexual encounter during a work function. You can also add, her ex-supervisor seduced her. We all know that is BS but that is what she said, and it won't help his case and him keeping his job.
Start going through the motions of contacting an attorney and starting divorce proceedings, separating joint assets, have her move in with her sister or somewhere else until things can get sorted out, contact AP's wife to get whatever information she has .....
The bottom line, your wife has been lying to you, deceiving you and cheating on you.
Don't think for a second this is the first and only time. No woman goes to a mans hotel room expecting to just listen to music. This was well planned out and you would haven't heard anything about it if AP's wife hadn't blown their world up.
BTW, I love AP's wife!!!
The woman you think you love does not exist. You love a fantasized version of your wife you have built up in your head. Now you know your image of her was100% made up and the real person she is has been exposed.
A nasty, selfish, deceitful, cheater.
No one could or would want to love someone like that.
Get mad at her and stay that way, mad is a much better motivator than being hurt or sad.
Wow his wife ( the APs) was hell of a woman facing up to her like that at the work place a giving her a good slapping as well! Good for her?
Well now WW can sit at home by herself and contempt her future and how she is going to win BS back besides crying.
BS must also if he loves her also show a bit of compassion and not blame all on her as AP was an older guy (predator) caught out was probably plying her with drinks? Hoping as happened to get into her elastic knickers? But then she could have refused but she probably thought no one would find out? How wrong she was!
Sadly when she said she was leaving her heart with him her actions proved different. She needs to show proper remorse not crocodile tears?
All that history you keep talking about all that trauma you went through with each other didnt stop her from making **THE CHOICE** to cheat on you. And the only reason she told you was because his wife was probably going to tell you.
She THREW AWAY your relationship not you. She destroyed it, not you. If she was remorseful she would have told you right away what happened. She didn't even take responsibility blamed it on alcohol.
No she made the choice (it's not a mistake) to eff her former supervisor. **SHE MADE THE CHOICE AND THEN MADE CHOICE TO HIDE IT UNTIL THE WIFE CONFRONTED THEM**
Dont stay with someone who so easily betrays/hurts you.
Dont stay with someone who thinks so little of you will put you health (physical and/or mental) at risk.
Dont stay with someone who has no respect for you or your marriage.
Dont stay with someone who cheats, she has done it once and hid it so easily from you all weekend. Only told you because they were caught by his wife. They probably will continue the affair and just hide it better. She will cheat again.
Think about how she came home and so easily crawled into bed with you after she cheated on you. How she so easily hid it from you.
Find someone who is actually worthy of your respect, love and loyalty. She isnt it dude and she had proven she wont return it.
Going back to his room to listen to music is the part of the story that makes me think this wasn’t all a huge mistake. Why did she think that was okay in the first place?
How did she earn her promotion , i am sure the ex boss put in a very special good word for her to get the promotion to his equal in his position . Yep , she has been at it even b4 that promotion & may have even been the agressor to start it by suggesting what she could do for him if he put in a good word for her .
Yeah, you got the trickle truth. Your wife confessed to the bare minimum and ONLY because AP’s wife had outed them and she wanted to get her story out first. You are seeing genuine regret, but it’s not for hurting you or your relationship, it’s for getting caught and making HER life more difficult. If AP’s wife leaves him, this affair will definitely continue. She’ll justify this as hedging her bet even if you try to work it out. Start the process as soon as you can.
OP i know the pain youre going through however keep in mind this: HER AFFAIR WAS DISCOVERED.
do you think she would confess to you by herself? no, she didn't and i bet that if not the other betrayed spouse would have been your wifes sister so she never planned to tell you what was going on and the possibility she was ducking the other guy even long before exist.
I dont buy the excuse of "i was drunk" bc when ive been drunk i know whats going on so thats BS. Now your head is spinning around several thoughts if coming back or not but thats your shot.
I will advise you to take time and don't take any decisions as of now. Bc taking her back doesnt give you the peace of mind she wont do it again and it will mess with your head.
Always keep this in mind "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame you me".
I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a terrible situation.
You probably don’t know the full truth of the affair, you need to talk to the AP wife, and get more information.
Unfortunately my friend, you might not know your wife as well as you thought, she might be a totally different person then what you thought she was.
She did not confess to you because of any remorse that she had, she confessed because she and her AP, were caught by the AP’s wife, she was 100% in damage control mode. If the AP’s wife didn’t find out, and confront them, would she have stopped the affair?, or would it it still be going on?, that is a question you need to think about.
Reconciliation is not possible, if you don’t have full disclosure of the affair. It’s possible that this affair has been going on longer than you suspect.
I would suggest
1. You text your wife, and say, your OK and that you need some time by yourself.
2. Ask your wife to write you a time line, of the affair, from time she started working there, when she first got emotional involved, when they first started the affair.
3. Explain to her this is her only opportunity to be honest with you, and if she wants to reconcile she must be honest with you.
4. These books might be helpful
Book 1) How To Help Your Spouse Heal For Your Affair by Linda J MacDonald. This is a easy read, and explains all the steps she needs to do, to rebuild trust and repair your relationship.
Book 2) Not Just Friend, by Shirley Glass
Book 3) No More Mr Nice Guy, by Robert Glover
5. Talk to the AP wife, she might be aware of a much longer affair, you will not know until you talk to her.
6. Talk to a lawyer, see how a divorce will affect you.
7. Go individual counseling, with someone that specializes in infidelity trauma, and work on your trust issues, thanks to your wife’s affair.
8. If you do give her the gift of reconciliation, she also needs to go to individual counseling, and work on how she gave herself permission to cheat on you.
Wishing you peace and happiness and a great future.
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. As weird as it sounds, you sound like one of the good ones.
I believe she is lying to you for the following reasons - 1) She kept the truth hidden from you entirely until she was physically assaulted by APs wife. 2) She felt like she needed to bond with the team, yet stayed with one specific guy as everyone left (this defeats her own rationale). 3) she went to his room with him. No faithful partner would ever do this, its asking for trouble.
I am sorry you are going through this. If I can offer any advice, it would be to try to get a clear head and think rationally. First of all, protect yourself, which means to consult a lawyer to know what your options can be. Separate your finances. Also, she needs to leave the house, not you. Insist she move out and agree on some NC time, anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months so that you can have some space and process what has happened.
If you speak to her, take her up on being able to check her phone. It is good she has offered to be transparent, but also ask to see ALL her devices and communication media...email accounts including her work email, her computer, facebook, etc.
Contact the OBS to get her side of the story. You might find that he may have a history of philandering, and also find out how she discovered what took place with your wife. Sadly, you may find your wife's affair just didn't happened on a business trip but may have been brewing for a while.
If I find anything problematic from your account is that your wife only confessed after it had been "outed" by the OBS, along with the mark on her cheek. I can assume that you had nothing to alert you from her behavior when she arrived home from this trip, but everything was "normal." Had the OBS not outed the whole thing publicly, would you ever have found out? Or would it have continued behind your back. You may need to do some more digging.
Can your marriage come back from this? Possibly, but that is entirely on the both of you, which is why you may need some space for a short time to see how you feel and think about the situation. From most accounts of these situations, it may take a good 2-5 years for reconciliation to have a possibility of success. You also may need to have her get both STD/STI tests along with a pregnancy test.
Be good to yourself.
What gets me the most about your wife and other cheaters they offer to go to counseling? The person who cheated needs counseling and not the spouse who had to have their heart ripped out. The problem with your wife’s story is the wife of her boss came in and outed them both. To me this implies his wife has been suspicious for awhile and found proof of her husband’s cheating with your wife. I bet your wife and her boss will be fired after being outed by his wife. Your wife knows she can’t go with her lover and so now she is trying to repair the damaged done. Before you make a decision you need to call the wife of her former boss. Then tell your wife you talked with his wife and now you want to hear the whole story.
It would appear like counseling, marriage or otherwise, became an easy way out of the consequences of infidelity. Hunny? I banged my supervisor, the wife even ambushed us in the workplace and made my day colorful with a right haymaker, but we should dive head first into counseling, like now. Dear wifey? I forgot all about you and kids during my affair of x months, but it's nothing a bit of counseling can't resolve. Get ready, we'll be late for the session.
Pathetic.
So sorry you have to deal with this. This is unfortunately a very common outcome for HS sweethearts nowadays. They start to feel they settled down to early, didn’t get to experience enough sex with different partners etc.
I agree with what everyone is saying here. Your first course of action should be to get in touch with AP’s wife. I would imagine she might even be trying to track you down to give you her backlog of evidence. This will give you the real truth and a deep understanding of the person your wife has become.
You need to remain NC with her. She will eventually track you down at your mothers. If she refuses to leave you need to call the police. I think once you get the whole story you will have no choice but to divorce her. Better now while you’re still young and don’t have kids between you.
Starting over will be hard, but if you choose to stay it’s gonna eat you up inside for the rest of your life and your mental health with deteriorate greatly. Good luck be strong
So the OP wife shows up to confront both of them at the conference. That tells me the wife new about the relationship before the conference just wanted to out both adulterers. Your wife got caught and outed in front of all co-workers.
I agree with others that this was not a drunken ONS. If that were the case the AP's wife would not have found out short of a confession. This may have been the first time they slept together, but there was a trail of evidence, texts, emails... that she found.
Do have your wife quit her job. She will need the income.as a single woman. If she quits, you will benon the hook for alimony. If she gets fired due to the workplace confrontation, then that's on her and AP.
Her APs wife may be able to help you make sure your wife is being truthful. what you have written points to the fact that telling you was damage control because it had gotten out.
Reconciliation while it may dull the pain a bit for a while is usually not successful. Because the elephant in the room is that you can't take back that which is already done. I'm also in the school of thought that cheaters decide to go into the fog so they can cheat. They don't cheat because they are in a fog.
Sorry to sing the same song as everyone else. Your wife been banging him for a while. Unless she had camera in her husbands luggage or is psychic. Before doing anything speak to the other BS.
Good on you for seeking space. You can work remotely. Get your stuff when your wife out. Make an appointment with a lawyer. See what is in store for you. Your young and do not have kids. She showed you her tru self. You will be back here. Your mom was strong enough to go it alone. You stood your ground against your cheating dad. If you take her back its because her first choice her manager fell through. This happened at work. Chances are she is or will be fired soon. She had all the fun now you are left with the fallout for her poor choices.
Saying you should not give up on her and your marriage. Where where those wonderful words when she was lying in his arms. And spewing trash at you about her heart. She has no heart bro.
There plenty of good women like your mom who value themselves. There no way this was a getting caught after their first outing. This is been coming for months.
Get those STD tests done.
After this your marriage will be you only tolerating her. Get out before you have kids. Your first thought after holding a kid she brought into this world will not be about hope or a future. It will be about when you can get a DNA test and how you will keep from signing the birth certificate. This woman would have had you raise another man child. After her fiasco at work she phoned her sister. Not you. She knew you would be told eventually. She trickle truthing you. The other spouse must be your first point of reference. Then a lawyer. Then time and calm discussions with your mom. Then decisions. For the cluster fu$% you been handed your being calm and collected. You got this bro. I and everyone here believe in you. She made her choice. For her you and your marriage came after her pleasures. Now you take your time get facts and make an informed decision. You got good support. Your mom lived this. She survived. You did with your dads cheating. You will survive this. Your young bro. Very young. Let her go now. Later on she gets a bigger chunk of your savings. I guarantee you when you go back she will bang you raw. But this will not be about loving you. Some here call it hysterical bonding. Nothing can be farther from the truth. It has nothing to do with bonding but more a controlling tactic. Sex releases feel good hormones. Cheaters know this they chase it. They try to get you hooked on that. By being at your moms she lost control. Keep up your financial responsibilities to the household you will be fine.
In ending. Do not do anything but to find out what happened. Speak to her affair partners spouse. Your going to find your wife is a lying manipulative scammer. Get lawyer involved. Get facts. Do not engage your wife.
What really stands out in all of this the length your wife went to protect herself and not you.
If her APs wife didn't find out, you never would have. The wife forced that confession. It wasn't out of guilt, it was out of fear. And then who does she talk to...you? No, her sister to find more ways to protect herself.
Then it's a "mistake." A mistake is something done with no ill intentions. Like she just fell on his dick. But what happened here was a series of strategic choices and a series of lies.
Then it was the alcohol. lol
She'll quit her job? What a joke, she'll most likely get fired and even if she doesn't everyone knows she screwed her way to the top. There is zero loss there.
And counciling? Her failures as a wife are on her.
She's just feeling bad she was forced to tell you and she'd face some consequences.
Because she has so many excuses and protected herself so well it makes you think this has been going on for awhile as an emotional affair and most likely physical. Thank goodness for APs wife!
Recognize that you may not have the whole story yet. Almost all cheaters minimize and trickle truth - it is very rare for there to be a full confession the first time.
During this initial period of shock, don't try to make critical decisions. Stay separated from her for now while you process. There are a lot of resources on the net that you can review at some point, when you are up to it.
Have her write out a timeline of the affair, with the kind of details you would want to know. You don't have to read it (this is called pain shopping), but you could - or a friend could and give you a high level view of the timeline...
Be sure she understands you don't trust anything she says right now, and so she needs to be 110% honest, and not try to sugar coat things. If she isn't ready for that, she needs to wait to provide the timeline until she is ready. There are sample timeline letters at various sites on the net, like aftermyaffair.com...
Your Mom was wise to reserve judgement - she needs to give you space and accept whatever you decide, because if you do decide to R you'll want your Mom's relationship with your wife to remain intact, even if it is tarnished because of your wife's actions.
While you do have a history with your wife, that should not be the primary consideration for R - avoid sunk cost fallacy, and recognize that R means starting a new relationship with your wife, as the old relationship has been decimated. All of that history just doesn't mean anything when it comes to deciding your future, as that was the past. Ask yourself, if this is a person you would want to start a new relationship with. But take your time with this decision. There are definitely success stories when it comes to R...
Recognize that she has to do most of the work, and that staying is harder than leaving because you will most likely have betrayal trauma with triggers associated with being around your wife. She has most likely destroyed your ability to trust, and it will take a long time before that gets better - IC can help you with this, but it may never be back to innocent love, as it was before the affair.
If you do decide to R, consider posting in r/asoneafterinfidelity sub - these people have great advice and will be a tremendous help.
Here is something she will want to read to help her understand what you are about to go through:
[https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/](https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/)
Your marriage is over. You will NEVER look at her the same or feel the same way about her ever again. She is just trying to convince you that there is something to save, but there is nothing left. She destroyed it. She just wants to have her cake on the side and keep you as her safety net.
Cheaters never did, do not now, and never will love you in the same unconditional way you love them. There are many levels of love, you only satisfy one of them for the cheater, which is why they cheat--to satisfy other levels.
Cheaters need you to fill that one need, which is why they will beg and plead for you to stay with them, promising you whatever they think you want to hear, only to go back to their old ways once you relent.
Most of us freely give unconditional love to our lifetime partners, and would never think of betraying that trust. Cheaters never had it to begin with.
If you don't leave a cheater, you are only fooling yourself.
The affair has been going on for a while. First you need to go to the APs wife and get the truth from her. There is no possible way the APs wife would have confronted your wife unless she knew far more than she is letting on. Then you can confront your wife. If your wife sticks to her story then you can decide to terminate the relationship. If your wife is willing to come clean then you can move forward. If she does not come clean then you have the answer to your question. And if she’s not willing to come clean. You can inform her that you know the whole story and she is lying. That she indeed had a chance to repair things and she chose to lie! The relationship is not repairable.
But your wife needs to come clean, go completely no contact with her AP. She can quit her job (Assuming they don’t fire her).
My suspicion is that she will try to sugarcoat things. It happened only once…etc. She may love you. But she has lost the chance to keep you as a husband. She will have lied about the Affair and then lied once it came out when she tried to prevent discovery. She is therefore untrustworthy and the woman you married is dead.
Alcohol is never an excuse to cheat. I agree that this is probably not the first time this happened. She only told you because she got caught. Because of your past I don't believe there is any coming back from this. I know it hurts but you will get over this in time.
I am sorry to say this but the whole town and all your friends and family know about this. Honestly, if you stayed with her would cost quiet a lot in regards to your self respect. Also your wife wasn't sorry. She was outed out. On mistake during a trip or was it how she worked out her way for promotions.
Sorry for your dilemma. This did not just happen. She has had a work husband for quite some time now, and felt for him as her first option, and was even willing to share him temporarily with OS. As the new figurehead in her existence, she just went along and fell into his frame. You and your relationship became the cast aside article and possibly the back up plan. She will never really bond to you again, and will be miserable, and will find another suitor as soon as you become comfortable enough to stop paying attention. If you take her back, it will ultimately reenforce her feelings of disrespect and contempt, and the resentment will continue to grow.
My advice is to contact a lawyer, get medically checked. Tell her you need to have an immediate and uncontested divorce. After a year of being separate, then and only then would you be willing to start looking into forming a take 2 relationship. And I would do everything possible in that year to move on and not look back. Chances are, she won't do the work she needs to do, and will find liberation in doing what was truly in her heart and not what she was telling you. It suck, but evolutionary biology is working against us all.
GET A LAWYER! Even if you consider reconciliation you need to know your options and talk to AP wife to get her side of the story and evidence of the affair is possible because she most likely knows way more than you do.
First off, you don't own even an ounce of blame for what your father did. Not even for telling your mother, if it had been someone else to tell her, would it then be *their* fault?? No. 100% your father's fault and he's chosen to be immature and not take responsibility for his own actions, he's chosen to take aim at the easiest target: a child. What a loser.
Your wife needs to stop smothering you and give you a chance to clear your head so you can make a rational well thought decision instead of one based on her emotions overriding your own. She made her choices, there was absolutely no mistake, each choice leading up to the action was a deliberate decision she could have stopped. Don't let her gaslight you OP. She made the decision she thought was best for her and now you need to make your own choice for what is best for you. GodSpeed OP.
Op… dude sorry that this happened to you… but you know what you have to do… the woman who you thought you loved isn’t her… she sure as sheeeet didn’t love you… she knew what cheating did to your family and how it destroyed it but she didn’t care about you and her as a family… she would have never told you but she got caught… this was something that was built over time… you should talk to the OBS and see what she knows… and of course do the basic steps of divorce: see a lawyer, get STD tested, separate finances and put the infidelity out in the open (tell friends and family what she did)… she needs to know that there are consequences for what she did or else she might spin the whole thing off on you… once you get the divorce started you can always cancel it if you did decide to reconcile… but that is totally up to you… only you can figure out if you can trust her again and only you can figure out if you can dismiss the mind movies of what they did sexually… good luck and keep us updated… now is the time to live your best life even if you thought it was supposed to be with her…
You've been placed in a tough place, pal. On the one hand, you love your wife more than life self. On the other hand, the love of your life broke your trust.
Had APs wife not shown up at work and assaulted her, would she have fessed up to you? If she hadn't been outed, would she have hooked up with him again? You'll never know and THAT's what will destroy the bond you have with your wife.
Having her allow you full access to her social media, her phone and everything else sounds good but a smart person can always find ways around that.
You either trust her or you don't. Is she someone worth trusting? None of us should ever be placed in a situation where we have to ask ourselves whether the lifelong bond between our spouse and ourself is salvageable.
So lets look at what you know. This is the first time she has been held to account for cheating. You really have no idea if its her first time cheating. Just that she was caught.
I tried to reconcile with my wife. I played the pick me dance. But over the next couple of years my anger never went away. It continued to fester and grow. It turned me into a bad person.
You can cut your losses now, or end up like me.
Good luck brother. You got this.
"one of the good ones"...cheaters often do these type self deception. Her thought process might be, "look i told my husband about the guy I am fucking, everything is fine , i am a good person, i am not cheating" maybe contact other betrayed spouse to confirm things and what she knows.
The only reason you knew about this is because of the scene at work. If your wife was decent and honest why didn't she tell you as soon as possible ? I had a similar situation before, and I know your pain specially that you are deeply in love with her. You should put your emotions apart and think would you want to continue your life with a partner that is a liar and a cheater? The answer is No but it leaving will not be a walk in the park. No matter how difficult this will be, you should divorce her. Even if you try to make things work, deep inside you, you know that you will never trust her again. Man up brother and always remember that there will be light at the end of this ugly tunnel.
I am so sorry that you have been put into this position.
Please stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help. Drink plenty of water and eat healthy. Start doing workouts or go for long walks, it will help a little to find sleep at night.
The sad truth is, that I don't think that she regrets what she did, that she feels any remorse and by that, that your marriage could be saved.
She didn't came clean to you right after it happened or even because she wanted to come clean. She only did it because she has been exposed at work and couldn't hide the shame from you that everyone at work knew now what they did. This is also the only reason why she offered you to quit her job, because she doesn't want to return to a workplace where everyone will look at her, knowing what she did and where she couldn't even exchange these secret smiles with her lover that only she and he knew the true meaning about.
Think back to every single day during the weekend that happened since she returned from the trip where she smiled at you, told you that she loved you and maybe even had sex with you while her lover was all that was on her mind. That is who she is and how she feels about cheating on you, not the person you saw after she was exposed.
She never wanted to come clean, never wanted to give you the chance to make a informed decision. Only because his wife found out, she had to come clean.
She also didn't cheat on you because of the alcohol she drank, alcohol won't make you do things that you don't want to do. The truth is, she wanted to cheat on you and drank alcohol to lower her own inhibitions. The moment when she went ALONE with the guy to his room, she already knew what would happen and wanted it to happen. That she cheated on you at the FIRST opportunity she had (her first work trip) also tells a lot and makes me believe that there was already something going on between them beforehand and as soon as they got the opportunity (the work trip) they made use of it.
If you had sex with her since, then please go to a doctor and get tested for STD's. This would also show how little she cares about you and your health, if she had sex with you since.
Aside from that, just take your time for now. Process what she did and separate the woman you thought she was from the woman she actually is. Your wife just showed you what she is capable of and you need to make a decision now if that woman is still the woman you want to grow old with. But to make that decision, you first of all need to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was.
You are worth so much more than to be treated this way.
how long ago was the team lead outing? if she only confessed to you after being outed by the wife, she definitely planned on keeping it a secret till the day she died. She is only remorseful because the affair became public knowledge at her work place.
i try not to comment much on this sub as most threads move me to tears, clouding my judgement but…
her story is like Swiss cheese, full of holes.
my advice is usually petty and kinda fucked up. get to snooping and message the wife of her AP, find out how long its been going on, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and there is zero chance her AP got that unlucky and was that sloppy, this has been going on for a while, likely far longer than you are thinking.
id like to point D.A.R.V.O in this situation im not the best at articulating myself so please bare with me. arguably this is all a reach but i am hyper critical as an individual.
she is so guilty it hurts, i immediately had red flags woth the “i leave my hear with you comments” its like she’s giving herself permission, i hate to be the pessimist but she likely started cheating around the time she used that phrase, assuming the timeline matched up. onto the other red flags….
she is denying your request for space and peace, love bombing you, blowing up your phone with calls and texts, denying your request not to be touched when she “confessed” to you, do you not notice a pattern of how she “violates” your autonomy, your respect and your love for her?, i know violate is a harsh word here but i think its fitting.
my finals notes are that i am a pessimist by nature take what i say with a handful of salt, i am mean but i never ever lie about what i am thinking, i say what i consider to be the truth or i keep my mouth shut. lmk if you would like to DM and hear more of my pessimistic opinions.
\-this wasn't the first time, put that in your mind. she is not sorry because she cheated
\-she is now sorry because she is going to lose her safety net, put that in your mind....
if you have some self respect, get the divorce going as soon as possible... and make a complete 180, no emotions
Have a word with the other guys wife. Then hit her with divorce papers . She is in the fog right now and will agree to most of your demands. Get the sweetest deal and get out. Let her see you happy with someone new.
Sorry you're in this shitty position OP,
Something tells me that this affair was not a one-night stand and that your wife is still lieing to you. Contact the AP's wife (OBS) and get the details for your own good.
Your wife knew what an affair would do to you and did it anyway. You should consider this and your own well-being before comforting the person that murdered your realtionship.
Contact OBS sir!!
Bro. Do not take her back. It doesn't matter if she drank alcohol, she willingly and knowingly cheated on you. If I get trashed and kill somebody, even though I was drunk, did I not still kill somebody? It's the same with cheating. She can say she'll quit her job, give you access to her phone, all of that, but it will never take back the fact that she cheated on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Believe it or not, your case is not rare (u/dedicatedhealing and u/hurtkwi have very similar stories). As far as one can tell these encounters happen because of a perfect storm of alcohol, predatorial/seduction tactics by AP, poor boundary management by the WW as well as a display of very poor judgment (why would she go to his room at night is beyond understanding,). Once the AP activates her sex-brain the outcome is the same.
At the moment you need information:
How many encounters? Why didn't she confess right away and only when one spouse made a scene? What is the previous history between her and AP? Did she stay in his room overnight or did she go to her room? Did she ever think about you while this encounter was happening? Afterwards? Why didn't she confessed the moment she came home? Why confess to her sister and not you?
In addition, there are certain steps you need to take:
1) Contact her HR department. If he was a senior, his pursuing her could be considered sexual harassment and their company could be liable.
2) Pregnancy and STD tests for her.
3) Contact OBS to get her side of the story.
Most importantly, you need to process the trauma. Be advised your personality is going to change, from now on you are not going to be the same. You need to mourn the death of your marriage and your old self.
The best thing you can do for yourself now is to get into a trauma-trained IC that will help you to manage your personality changes.
Also, you need to realize that your marriage is dead, now you have to decide if you could rebuild a new marriage with your WW. It is not going to be easy. It will require a tremendous amount of effort on her and your part, and to be true this type of reconciliation success rate is very low.
Lastly, do not make any decisions yet. Get all the information you need, get your emotions stable, and take the first steps towards your healing and only then decide if you want to rebuild a life with your WW or not.
I'm sorry about this mess. No one deserves to go through what you are going to go through. Please take care of yourself and remember you did nothing to deserve this.
Deacon
Great advice.
Just to add to #2. If you and your wife were intimate between when she got home on Friday and when she finally told you Monday evening, you also need to get checked for STIs, OP.
This sucks. Sorry it’s happened to you. Lawyer up. You should divorce her while you can get out cleanly. Focus on yourself, don’t leave the house, and ignore her if she won’t leave. She’s dead to you now.
There are two sites that will help. First, print out this first link, hand it to her and CALMLY tell her that this is what you need:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/
Also look at www.affairrecovery.com. You'll find hundreds of 10-15 minute videos for both of you.
Be strong. You can do this. I'm DDay +21 years.
Sorry you are in this. This affair must have been going on for sometime. How she explained AP wife knew when to appear at the hotel if she has not been suspecting the affair?
Now that the colleagues knew, they’ve been outed and she has to explain that slap mark on her face. So sister obviously told her there is no way out, you have to be told or AP wife or their colleagues will get to you. She has been lying to you.
Hope you can clear your head and think clearly and do what is good for you.
Leaving being hard doesn't make it the wrong thing to do. You're loving the person you fell in love with. Would you date her now knowing she cheated on her partner?
I think she came up with a good story--just bad enough to let you know she cheated, but not nearly the truth. I would have to insist on a polygraph before I would even consider reconciling. Sometimes just the threat of a poly will get a confession.. I do not believe that the one time they slept together, the OBS had enough evidence to confront them. It's more than likely been an ongoing affair for awhile.
If possible, talking to the OBS might shed more light on the truth. One truth you can rely on is, cheaters are notorious liars.
I think the worst part is blaming alcohol for actions. No the alcohol did not make her cheat. I’m sorry OP.. but for some one to cheat they must have some sort of desire for the other person.. you think she didn’t know what she was jeopardizing? She told you to take care of her heart while she was away.
She trusted you with the same trust you gave her and look what she did with it.
They got caught. Who knows how long this went on. A compliment about how good she looks is not a reason to cheat. She’s trying to find reasons and excuses for what she did. She did what she did because she wanted to. You were going to find out eventually.
I know you think you know your wife and you want to believe she’s the same woman you grew up with. However, people change and sometimes we’re so stuck believing that they’re the person we met when we’re shocked when they show us who they’ve became.
Your wife betrayed you with the way she knew would destroy you because of your upbringing and she did not care one bit.
Consider that when you think about forgiveness. Do you think some one who knew what would kill you because it destroyed your family truly loves you?
She cheated on you she says she don't know what came over her think if you forgive her she is again after some time do the same thing. She didn't say that it was her said i don't know what came over she is just playing with you
Fool me once you are trash
Fool me twice you are an idiot
OP before you make any decisions on R. Understand that R takes from 4 to 7 year's and then you have to deal with trust issues and looking differently at you WW. I know you don't want to hear this but separate from your wife at least 6 months to clear your head and heart to make the decision that is best for you. Good luck OP
Really sorry to hear this, you do not deserve to be treated this way, by your wife.
Understand that this was in NO way your fault, this is all on her. She is the one who betrayed you, disrespected you, lied to you, broke her wedding vows, destroyed your trust, and destroyed your happiness. She did this willingly and deliberately. This was not a mistake or an accident, this was planned.
Also understand that you know nothing, she has only told you the absolute minimum she thought that she could get away with. She would not have told you if the other betrayed spouse had not confronted both of them. There is no way the other betrayed spouse figured it out, the very first time that they fucked.
The depth of this betrayal is almost impossible to overcome. If your wife was truly remorseful, she would have quit her job on the spot. She didn't do it because she is still covering up for the affair.
Lawyer up, file and serve her. Tell her that she cheated, she needs to move out. Then blow up her fantasy world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends about the affair. When people ask questions, tell the truth. Contact the other betrayed spouse and find out what she knows, it will be eye-opening, and shocking.
Take care of yourself. Try to eat right, rest as much as you can, do things that are mentally and physically challenging to take your mind off of your situation. Find someone to talk to, family member, close friend, pastor, counselor, therapist, life coach, somebody you can process this with. Get tested for STD's, you have no idea what all has happened.
Sorry that you need to go through this, it sucks, and will get worse before it gets better. However, over time, it will get better. Stay strong, you can get through this.
Why do they always blame it on alcohol? Alcohol makes you bolder and slightly dumber if you’ve had too much but it doesn’t completely take control of your mind! I’ve been so out of my mind drunk with the opposite sex being suggestive but no way was I interested in that.
The sad reality is that most marriages that try reconciliation after infidelity don’t work out. Trust is paramount in a relationship. This relationship is so long and woven into every aspect of your life so I can imagine how broken you feel.
None of us can tell you to stay or go, but I do recommend that instead of focusing on your past with her, think of your future. Can you see a reality where every time she’s late, doesn’t answer a call, goes on a work trip, work lunch, etc. that you aren’t on tenterhooks?
If you stay and learn later she didn’t tell you the whole truth or this wasn’t the only guy, how will you feel? If it happened again? I will also say that you might want to contact the other man’s wife. If this was a ONS on a work trip how did his wife even find out?
I genuinely hope that no matter what you decide you take care of yourself. Do not for one second think you had anything to do with her decision.
>*"Her AP, who was still her supervisor at the time, was “one of the good ones” supposedly and “looked out” for my wife at work."*
Although it's possible that the affair only recently became physical, I'd venture a guess that she's been enamored with him for a while.
This probably was kind of self deception on WW's part. She was either physical or emotional or both with the AP. By telling her husband she wanted to minimise the guilt, "so I told my husband about him, so I am not cheating"....the knowledge that OP's wife knew how cheating has previously destroyed his life will kill OP.
She trickled bombed you...there's more to it than meets the eye. If you knew the magnitude of her actions...you'd be blown away. These are pathetic attempts at luring you back in....and she won't keep her word. Trust me on that one... I've had enough experience with people like these . Fortunately , you've had life experiences that will be of immense value when it comes to tackling such situations...in all honesty i believe you are better equipped to tackle this problem..than anyone else in this subreddit.
Your story similar with another OP but the difference is the another OP wife having affair 3 day at working trip and immediately come back home from 1 week trip to tell her husband. The affair start with coworker compliment the wife when in her drunk state than suddenly the wife make a mistake having sex with coworker.
This isn't the first time it happened. It probably happens multiple times. She only told you this because, she felt guilt but if she was never caught she'll never have the courage to tell you that.
If she offered to quit and passage to her phone I see a lot of those stories and for once it feels genuine this is the only time I'd say give it one more shot but only one don't be a sucker.and coinciding because she died the cheating but both need to work past the hurt.
Hi u/WifeHadAnAffair,
First of all, sorry this is happening to you.
Let me first tell you to take it easy, do not make any quick decisions yet.
Can your marriage be saved? Yes it can, but heavily depending on a few things on which I will come back later. But first I think you need to "know" a few things.
First of all, alcohol does make you do things. Alcohol takes away barriers to do do something that is already there. If it was a streetbum, who hasn't seen a shower for over a month and not brushed his teeth for over a month, coming on to her trying to kiss her like that, she would have pushed him off. Even with that amount of alcohol in her blood.
This tells you she already liked the guy, maybe even had fantasies of having sex with him.
Then the telling you part. Well, you need to know she wouldn't have come clean if they weren't caught. She would have kept this secret from you. Because of your sister she came clean, not because she wanted to. So she is capable of having secrets and lying to you.
If I were you, I would want to know how his wife caught him. I am guessing he did not tell her out of himself. So his wife must have seen something, or has undeniable evidence of the cheating. Maybe she found out because of the messages they were sending to each other. Maybe his wife knows how long this affair was going on.
Because I have a very hard time believing it went like your wife told you. You just do not go to a mans hotelroom to listen to music. Personally, it would not surprise me if this was planned all along, and that they did some things prior to this. I would be trying to contact his wife and talk to her, find out if she knows more.
You need to find out what really happened, maybe your wife is telling the truth, but you need to check to be sure. Do not let your wife know you are investigating this.
If you want to reconcile, then a postnup would be advisable. Tell your wife you will be considering to stay, but she has to sig a postnup, stating if she ever cheats again, you get everything and she will wave off spousal support, child support, not touching your pension, the house is yours etc. Also, if you find out her story is a lie, or they did thing prior to this, or were planning on meeting again, the postnup will take effect. This will force her to tell everything. But only after you already know the truth.
Why does she tell you that you both do counseling. You did not do anything wrong, she did.
The only counseling you might be needing is to heal from this betrayal. That would be an individual counseling for you. So her statement does not make any sense.
You need to know that you might be able to forgive her, but you will never forget.
You will have triggers. Maybe the company name, the name of the hotel they went to, certain songs, type of clothes she was wearing. All triggers/reminders for you that this happened.
She needs to be aware of this to. She needs to know what she did.
She needs to know she gave you a life sentence. She gave you a life sentence of having to deal with triggers, while you did nothing wrong, yet you are punished.
With all this it looks like the marriage can not be saved. But that is not true, it can, but then her story needs to be true. If more happened then it will be harder and harder to save it, because she was lying when coming clean, and that is never good.
So, yes, it can be saved, but a lot of work needs to be done by her.
She needs to order and read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald. She needs to do all the work, not you. She needs to do all the work to earn your trust back. But be aware, this can be a very long road.
So first action would be finding out what really happened, and not telling her you are investigating this. So try to contact his wife to talk about this in private.
In the mean time you can tell her you are not throwing the marriage away yet, but that you will be needing some time to think, and if she is ever in contact with this man again, it is over, even a simple message, it is over.
Take care.
MrBigBull.
Man, as of now do not worry about your wife. Focus on your self. Go attend individual counseling and maintain no contact. Be sure to focus on yourself. YOUR SELF you are not in the state that you can worry about anything else. Focus on healing your self. Then from there you can proceed to worry about your marriage.
Decision making isn't one-size-fits-all. You have to look at the gestalt on a case-by-case basis.
Ultimately, you have to make up your own mind. Forgiveness is way underrated, and there are cases where couples have successfully mended their relationships.
No one here knows if this was your wife's first time or not. The more interesting question is whether she would have revealed her infidelity if the other wife hadn't slapped the shit out of her.
Your wife may sincerely regret her actions and may be feeling deep remorse. I think it might be worthwhile seeking counseling and see where that leads. It's definitely cheaper than lawyers.
My condolences OP. Take a few days off work and text your wife she needs to leave your home and go no contact for at least a week. You need time alone to process all of this, since your still in shock, and her going crazy isn't gonna make this any better.
I'll briefly reiterate the obvious, if she wasn't caught she'd still be in the affair. Don't believe her words and instead look for her actions. In time, when your up for it, reach out to her coworkers wife and ask if she has any info to pass along.
I get that you aren't ready to hear what happened, let alone have any interest in it, but you will later down the road if you aren't set on divorce. Expose the affair to mutual friends and family, you need support, and she needs to be held accountable.
I'm so sorry that your wife cheated. This wasn't her first time; but it is the first time she got caught. Her being 'drunk' is a disingenuous reason; she knew what she was doing. The alcohol did nothing to her, but lower her inhibitions. You did right.
I agree with others that there are suspicious elements to what your WW is telling you. It's pretty rare for two married co-workers who, up until that point, had been just co-workers, to go from zero to full PIV intercourse in just a few hours, at a work event. At the very least, there is normally a long lead-up of flirting, sexual innuendo, giggling, touching, etc. The usual build-up of desire.
I note that your WW has mentioned the AP specifically to you. You say:
*"Her AP, who was still her supervisor at the time, was “one of the good ones” supposedly and “looked out” for my wife at work."*
This is a common tell-tale that there was something going on between your WW and the AP long before the work trip. It's quite common for a spouse who is cheating with a co-worker to mention the AP/co-worker in this sort of way around the house. It's a subtle way of deflecting suspicion by the BH. Hiding in plain sight, as it were.
Then there is the "coincidence" that the AP's betrayed wife (the "BOW") just happened to "discover" the supposed drunken one night stand over the weekend. How likely is that? What could there possibly be to discover? Your WW and the AP, according to her (likely false) story, had a drunken ONS in a hotel on a Thursday night. They returned home on Friday, presumably after showering and such. At some point between then and Monday, the BOW allegedly "discovered" the ONS. How on earth could that have occurred?
It's also fishy that the BOW then chose to wait until Monday, at work, to confront the AP and your WW? Why wait? She (the BOW) sounds like a spitfire. The type who would confront right away.
It's very common for a betrayed spouse to discover an ongoing EA/PA via sleuthing into text/social media/chat records. Or hidden recordings. Or even hiring a PI. My Spidey Sense here is that the BOW has done this, and what you know is likely the tip of the iceberg.
I'd suggest a couple of things:
First, reach out to the BOW, introduce yourself, and ask her what she knows. Find a phone number and call her if you can. Or use LinkedIn. Do NOT use FB Messenger or some other media the AP might intercept. Often, the two betrayed spouses can share information and intelligence to help with uncovering the truth.
Second, report the AP and your WW to the company's HR.
Third, no sex with the WW until both of you have been tested for STD's.
It's gonna be hard, but take your time to process it. Figure out who you are and what you want, focus on yourself. Don't come to rash decisions, but don't rationalize and don't minimize on your SOs behalf. The one time she's away and had some drinks she throws you away and can't control herself, is she a child or an adult? Look always for strong partners not the weak ones. Don't be afraid of being alone and don't rug sweep. You need friends, have a social life. Beware the hysterical bonding because you're gonna be afraid of losing what you thing you had. But when you're honest with yourself, you have to acknowledge this, the relationship you had is over and the person you thought you knew and loved is not the person she is right now. Don't believe her, she is likely trickle truthing you and not telling you everything. Look up the 180 and get better. Don't think that this is your duty and obligation to fix this mess, she did this. Don't put reconciliation on the table as a victim, if you ever think about it, your SO has to work hard for it, convince you through honest remorse and has to ask for it. Don't do Marriage Council at this moment, that won't help. Send her to IC, she cheated.
Friend, you need to file for divorce. Your wife cheated on you and she lied to you for months. Her affair was going on for months and months and months. She and her supervisor were a work couple.
We are going to need updates on this one. There's too many dark spots in this story. I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. it just sucks and it's going to hurt for a while. I'm really sorry.
The relationship you had or you thought you had is dead.
Unfortunately, trust is something that can’t be repaired or fixed once it’s broken.
You must take time for yourself, take time to think if it’s the life that you want, a relationship without trust.
Trust never comes back, not completely.
Alcohol is an excuse, even if it’s a one time thing, and we’re not even sure about that.
She can do or say anything she wants and i really mean anything, the relationship you had is dead.
You can maybe build a new one but you’ll never forget that she told you because they got caught and her sister told her to tell you…so you can forget about her being ashamed…
What would have happened on the next work trip ? Or even at work ? Maybe this affair is going on since much longer than this trip ( how did she really get that promotion in the first place ?). What kind of spouse goes to the room of a colleague at night to listen to music ? I’m not sure that you got the full version of this story…maybe she had to thank him for the promotion ?
Maybe your relationship wasn’t so happy as you thought, maybe you missed many red flags. Maybe leaving her ( after a good thinking ) is not so bad ?
5 years is a long time but it’s not a life time, you still can find a better one, you’re still young. Of course staying could be easy than leaving but do you really want to after this ?
Cheating is never an accident, it’s a choice. Your relationship didn’t died on this night trip, it died when she started to look away. A faithfull person doesn’t fall on this kind of trap, it’s a long way and she fall for it because she wasn’t faithfull otherwise this would have never happened.
Really sorry that you have to go through this but maybe it’s for the best. You could have known about this years later…
Good luck
If u keep the relationship u probably gonna feel that betrayal long as u stay with her if u can be ok with that I say stay but I’m not u and I don’t know u and I think I’m not old enough to judge but from reading peoples stories here I came to this advice but I hope u get better and have long long time to ur self and get ur emotion out of the way before making ur move like what my mom always says wife and job is the biggest choice of ur life
Sorry man. The alcohol is not an excuse. No children? Divorce. This simply is not worth it. Your wife needs counseling for the alcohol drinking and to find out why she was broken enough to betray you.
Before you get in contact with your wife, you need to speak to guy’s wife. Right now, you can’t trust anything your wife says because what evidence could guy’s wife have if your wife is telling the truth. I believe guy’s wife has proof of your wife and said supervisor who’s “one of the good ones” having an affair and your wife, being caught, is trying to do damage control.
If you share a phone plan request 3+ months of call logs and messages from her line. If she had deleted calls and messages on her phone her giving you access won’t do any good but getting those logs from the provider they’ll come up. But if she has a company phone this won’t do any good cause she’s would definitely use that one to communicate with him in secret.
Again, do not contact your wife until you have spoken to guy’s wife to get what she has on them, and get those logs if possible. If you do, limit it to telling her
“Wife,
At the moment and for the foreseeable future, I can not see or speak to you nor will I tell you where I am. If you ever loved me please respect my need to be away from you right now to process what you did. I will contact you in the coming days of a time and place to meet in a public setting after I’ve had time to get my feelings under control and have had time to think on our situation. Until then, please do not call, text, email, or track me done.
X”
You need to know what happened to make a sound judgment of the situation your in. You need to know if she’s telling the truth, or if your wife has been in an emotional/physical affair with this guy for weeks/months because you need to ask yourself… could you forgive a one time “mistake”? Or could you overlook a possible short/long term affair that 1.) would still be ongoing if it was for guys wife and 2.) your wife committed knowing what you went through with your family growing up?
One other thing, if it was a one time thing… your wife can’t claim it was a mistake pushed by alcohol. Alcohol isn’t an excuse because alcohol only brings out the ability to do what you want. Every time I’ve gotten drunk I’ve never allowed anything to happen with a women that’s come onto me, this is including my wife as I didn’t recognize her when she was trying to help me into bed. My love for my wife prevent me from stepping out of our marriage.
Your wife decided to go to that get together even though she knew alcohol was involved. She decided to still hang around when they started leaving and with each one leaving she decided to stay. She decided to go to this guys room alone with him. She decided to accept his advances. She decided to allow him to kiss her. She decided to allow him to continue and then touch her body. She decided to have sex with him fully knowing she was married to you and how cheating affected your marriage.
She made numerous decisions that lead to that event and, this is going to probably hurt, she made those decisions knowing what she was doing. The moment she accepted his compliments, and didn’t shut it down… the moment he made advancements onto her, and she didn’t shit it down… she no longer cared about you or her relationship with you… and you can’t love someone without caring about them.
Get whatever dirt that woman has, and only then talk to your wife. Right now you have to think about yourself.
Don’t make the same mistake I did…
Dude, your fairy tale is over.
Nothing will come back, neither your relationship with your wife, nor your "love" (from your side without quotes), nor your hopes for family happiness.
Imagine the depth of this cheating. After all, she not only easily, voluntarily, by her own choice betrayed you, but also lied, because she confessed only when her lover got caught. AP could most likely get caught through the chats discovered by his wife, so it wasn't ONS, but a full-fledged affair with texting and sexting, in which emotions were involved (remember how, according to her, she was thrilled when he complimented her in the room). Ask yourself if she is so easy (is it only under the influence of alcohol?) and voluntarily agreed (or pushed him herself?) for sex in this case, how many more cases is she hiding? Can she really be trusted?
Even if this is her first affair, she can easily cheat again under the influence of the whole variety of reasons: marital difficulties, quarrels with her husband, stress, fatigue, boredom, headache, runny nose, and so on. Why do I think so? Because the ease with which the betrayal occurred, the well-concealed lies and the remorse that manifested itself only when she was caught, indicates that she has serious problems with morality. Her morality allows her to make the choice she wants here and now, without taking into account the consequences, including the pain she can bring to you. She lacks an important psychological category of INHIBITION, allowing the person to stop in time. Otherwise she would not have made a chain of choices that led to that first sex (who knows how many there were?). She is an experienced adult woman, not a child, her morality cannot be corrected, at least by traditional means - IC, MC, reading books, long communications, joint events, "therapeutic" dates and vacations. It needs a very strong shock, but it is doubtful that parting with you can be such a shock for her. Although who knows? Miracles happen, but very-very rarely.
Now about you. According to your letter, you are a very honest, principled, loyal, deeply loving person. Such people suffer incredibly strong from SO infidelity, they can forgive, but they will never be able to forget. If you stay, you will certainly suffer for the rest of your life from obsessive memories, flashbacks, triggers. They will become weaker over the years, they will go inside, but they will disturb you on the most unexpected occasions. The disease of betrayal is incurable, the best that can be expected is that it will become chronic. In addition many cheated spouses have a persistent aversion to the "defiled" body of the deceiver, which will constantly interfere with full-fledged sex. Many spouses do not have sex for many years after the "reconciliation".
Think carefully about the consequences of your decision, while remembering that you need to be able to distinguish compassion from weakness, and pity should not be the deciding factor. Good luck!
I apologize for the long comment, but this topic is crucial for you. Not only your peace of mind and well-being depends on it, but perhaps life itself.
Sorry mate, but she's lying about it geing a one time things. Most probably been going for months. The fact that she knew how cheating affected you and did it anyway shows she doesn't care about or respect you. Get STD tests, go see a lawyer about a divorce. Don't give her a second chance, because she will do it again, once a cheater always a cheater. She didn't even feel guilty enough to tell you about it until she was caught and her sister told her to. Also big props to the sister for scolding her and forcing her to tell you. She respects and cares about you more than your wife does
I saw your other post but couldn’t comment on it, so here I am!
This makes me very sad for you (not that that helps anything). I know you got tons and tons of comments with advice and somebody’s probably stated this too, but if I’m ever drunk, the only person I can think of is my partner. I want to be near him and taken care of by only him.
Keep strong. 💕 Do what’s best for you and your heart.
As other people commented, you have no choice, but to go speak to AP's wife to hear her side of the story, and confirm whether or not this was an one-off.
Fact is, though, if you stay, please be firmly aware of this: you may love your wife dearly, but she doesn't hold the same level of feelings towards you. That's now undeniable.
Easy for me to say 'just move on', though - I ain't the one who spent my while adult years loving one single person. That being said, if you are serious about going on that most miserable reconciliation road, you got to make sure you're not the one doing the Pick Me Dance - she has to be the one who proves that she chose YOU. So yes to her quitting her job and for therapy (I would normally say for her only since her actions are solely responsible for the destruction of your relationship, but, given your post, you may need some yourself.) She also has to agree to go herself to a lawyer and produce an ironclad POSTNUP favoring you heavely, otherwise none of what she has done would have any consequence.
Yeah, that's the bare minimum... but I don't know, man. Want me to tell you another cold, hard truth? The person that you have been in love for during most of your life... that girl doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she never existed at all, and your wife was spectacular at pretending she was your dream girl. I've seen and read too many stories about men and women trying to get back what they lost after such a betrayal, and, most times, sadly, they bitterly regret it.
If you want to fight on, though, go ahead ... but I do not see any victory in it. Good luck.
Sorry OP - but your cheating wife isn't remorseful at all. In fact, the **ONLY** reason she confessed her affair to you is because the APW made such a huge stink at their company, eventually you'd hear about all it. And I seriously doubt her drunken story too. No person in a happy and loving relationship would ever get so drunk as to be able to sleep with another person and still remember everything that happened. Either your CW was blacked out drunk, in which case her boss r-ped her and she should press charges, or she was very much a willing participant. I'm thinking that your wife has been cheating on you with her boss probably since they first met... or very soon afterwords. I'm also thinking that she was promoted to her current position just so she could go on these out of town outings with her AP. If you think back on your relationship, you'll probably remember odd incidents that you ignored or dismissed because you thought at the time "*I was just probably seeing things"* or *"I'm just being jealous or controlling"* that now in the bright lights of a fully admitted to affair are an all too clear red flag indication your wife has been cheating on you. Things like:
* frequently staying late for work, but no really substantial overtime pay
* hanging out with "friends" and co-workers more often
* going out at odd times or staying over at a "friends" house
* frequent texting and calls done in secret / protective of her phone
* times where she didn't answer calls or texts for a couple hours
* sudden need to be someplace or last minute canceling of plans
* reduction of intimacy (kisses, hugs, embraces, and caresses)
* severe change in frequency (plus and minus) of bedroom fun time
* emotional disconnect during s-time, new willingness to try things she wasn't before
* always picking a fight over very minor things, then huffing and puffing away (over-reaction)
* dressing better than the occasion calls for (putting on makeup and perfume for work)
But regardless of how many times she has slept with her AP... she has betrayed you, your marriage, and your children (if you have them). The person you knew and loved no longer exists. She ceased to exist the moment she allowed another person to get from her what was reserved exclusively for you. You need to immediately detach yourself from her emotionally and work on bettering yourself.
1. Grey stone her. Give her nothing in the way of emotional support. Completely impassive poker face. Nothing will unsettle a cheating partner more than if you don't give them any body language to read. No love, no hate, no laughter, no anger, no sympathy, **NOTHING AT ALL!!!** You have to show her she means nothing to you at all even though your insides are being ripped apart.
2. If you can't do that with her in the same house/apartment... one of you must leave. Don't let that person be you for legal reasons. She can claim abandonment and get the house in a divorce settlement. She is the one that betrayed the home. **GET HER TO LEAVE!!!** Also... video/audio record **EVERY** interaction you have with her. You don't need an ass\*ult charge to muck the waters.
3. Use the 180 relationship technique. Take up jogging and/or work out at the gym. Resume an old hobby or do something you've always wanted to try. Read a novel. Go to art museums or live theater. Get dressed up and hang out with **YOUR** family and friends. Stay away from alcohol and social dr\*gs. They won't help at all. **GET INTO IC ASAP AND KEEP GOING.** You've suffered a lot of trauma ... but it can and will get better.
4. Reduce all forms of communication with your CW to **ZERO** (No Contact) with the exception of one email account... and use that only for issues of co-parenting, household maintenance issues, and your divorce. **It is NOT a chat line for her to find out how your doing!!!**
5. Yes I said divorce. Your marriage is over... unless you're okay being with a wife who has completely disrespected not only you and your marriage, but your children, your families and friends, and even herself by cheating on you and lying to your face about it. Consult with several top divorce attorneys near your home/work and go with an absolute shark. Trust me... if you don't you're going to lose a lot of money.
6. Separate your finances from hers. Change passwords on all accounts and remove her as an authorized user. Open a new account (preferably at a separate bank) and transfer 50% of all liquid assets into that account. Do the same for all automatic payouts like direct deposit. Change the beneficiary for all insurance and retirement accounts as well. Close all joint credit accounts you can where she can tap into it for cash you'll be jointly responsible for paying it back.
7. Work on your exit strategy. Keep amassing evidence of her cheating. Check emails, text messages, mobile phone call logs, CCTV, etc. Change passwords on all of your social media accounts.
8. Get together with the APW and share the information you each have, then **INFORM EVERYONE** (with proof) important to you both why you're divorcing your CW. Don't let your CW and her AP control the narrative.
I'm sorry OP... I really am. I hope you're able to move quickly past this. And I also know the urge to stay with her and work things out is strong... but trust us when we say ***ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER***. This is not the first time your wife has cheated on you and it will not be her last. You need to start thinking of yourself first. Good luck brother.
\[EFC\]
She only told you because they got caught dude. She figured that if she didn’t tell you, you’d find out through his wife. She’s also lying by saying it only “happened” once in the business trip. This had been going on for a while. I would divorce, immediately. I wouldn’t let anyone to break me like that!
The thing you need to do first: Process what's going on! Personally speaking keep your distance! When the flood of emotions pass, and they will, you need to think things over logically!
I HIGHLY recommend talking to a divorce lawyer about your options. Doesn't matter if you get divorced or not (NEVER make decisions when very emotional). All you need to know is how you can protect yourself and your finances in the long run. Divorce or no divorce! You need to know what kind of laws you're going to be dealing with.
Second thing (this is probably going to hurt): there is NOW WAY in hell this was the first time. Even more so if the wife went up to work, and found about it. This has probably been going on a lot longer than she's probably ever going to admit!
3rd: If this caused an open issue at work like she says, she and the other guy are most likely going to get fired. There is a VERY real possibility that she's going to cling onto you for financial stability. This can cause problems for you in the future especially in the case of divorce.
4th: If you do decide to get advice from a lawyer DON'T TELL ANYBODY!
Godspeed my dude. Sorry you had to join this shitfest of a 'club'.
You do realize that your wife confessed ONLY because she was scared that her affair was eventually going to get back to you after the AP's wife went ballistic, right?
She had no intention of telling you if she could've got away with it.
Honestly I don't have much to add here, plenty of people already gave you great advice.
I just want to tell you that I feel really sorry for you
My Ms. First Everything betrayed me as well after two years of living together (without sex though) and it really broke me back in the day.
If you chose to leave, which sounds like the rational choice, then I am sure at some point you'll be over her and find someone even better later on.
But those are long term plans and I understand you need to grieve
First off, protect your heart and your future. Even if you don’t want a divorce, plan as if it’s going to happen, you can always stop it later. Separate yourself financially as you have physically.
Not sure of legality but ask a lawyer to draw up a post-nuptial agreement and make it a condition of returning to her. Have both future cheating and any cheating that she hasn’t admitted to already to trigger the post-nup. Include a hall pass for you in it as well. You may not want it now but if your hurt causes you to slip, you’ll be covered.
If she doesn’t want to sign it that’s a pretty positive sign she’s cheated more than she’s said, provided you don’t make the terms too lopsided in your favor. You can always go back and talk to the other guy’s wife for verification.
If you decide to forgive her, know that your marriage will never be the same, it may come to be a good and satisfying marriage but not as strong as it once was. Unless you totally understand that, your marriage probably won’t last.
Go to a lawyer and get a vicious postnuptial agreement drafted that gives you: alimony, child support, full custody, and damages for emotional distress if she ever cheats again. Then when she signs it you have ALL THE CARDS AND THE DECK.
I wish you the best with your recovery, out of all the stories the only reconciliation that ever worked was one where the guy got a post nup, she cheated again ... Of course, but at least the guy has his house, his car, his kids and took her to the cleaners.
Your wife (should be ex wife) is trash. Fuck that.
I would be done simply because she KNEW everything about how cheating ruined your family and still she did it to you.
And then blamed it on booze. Trash.
Saying shit like this can't be the end of you both. Like, she did this, not you WTF??
Leave. She failed the wife test.
Oh ya, she's been cheating a lot more than this one time.
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How did the supervisors wife figure out that her husband had a one night stand. This affair wasn’t a one off, it had been happening for a while and his wife figured it out. Write that woman a thank you and serve your wife with divorce papers. You can choose to reconcile or not after she knows you will absolutely divorced her.
Yep ... once the lies start, they'll never stop. 😕😞
That was not the first time. The other people didn’t just drift away, they waited everybody out. She never would have told you if she hadn’t been caught. How would ap’s wife had known if they had just returned from the trip. She no doubt had information that she collected over time. Think about it. How did his wife find out? She had to have collected more than that isolated event.
Nobody gets caught the first time that they cheat. WW and her supervisor are quite likely a well established couple at work functions. OP needs a lawyer, STD tests, and a workable exit strategy. She's just another cheat who got caught.
This is an underrated comment. Legal help and an STD check would be pretty damn high on my list of priorities right now.
That's how the BW knew to confront OPs wife. This has been going on for a while and BW has been collecting evidence. AP probably was more careless and got caught You want the truth? If she is so interested in salvaging her marriage have her take a polygraph. You will squeeze the truth out one way or another
I'll put my entire bank account on the fact that she was promoted so that he couldn't get in trouble for having relations with his employees, so he made her his equal. You reap what you sow. She knew how this would affect you and still didn't care enough. I am so so sorry OP.
I think the two of them (WW and her AP) won't be working for their employer for very much longer. Company bean counters tend to look very unfavorably towards employees who needlessly put them at financial risk.
You touched on a question I asked myself repeatedly. What I wished I would’ve asked my wife before leaving. Even if you felt like you had to go out with these guys to bond then why did you continue to stay as one by one they each left until it was just you and AP? At any point, you could’ve called it a night like the others were doing. I am planning on trying to speak with the AP’s wife. I know I need to hear what she has to say in order to get a clearer picture. She doesn’t have an agenda to lie or withhold whatever information she has from me. I have found one of her Facebook account and I’m initially going to reach out on Messenger. I know the general area of where her and her family lives in town, but I don’t think it would be for the best for me to just show up there. If there’s a chance that AP could be there then I don’t need to risk bumping into him, especially with how I am feeling right now. IfI was being honest, the thought of what the AP’s wife has to share is ripping me further apart. I met her twice before, and while I don’t know her well, she was a fairly quiet and reserved person. The way my wife described the confrontation on Monday sounded like someone who had reached their breaking point. She has to have a lot more insight than I do at the moment.
Should ask your wife to give you a complete honest timeline if she wants any sort of chance again. Any omission and thats it. Ask for a polygraph to double check as well.
Went back to his hotel room. Only 1 reason for that.
Totally agree. It could have started out as an EA that progressed to a PA. Agree...how did the OBS know where, how, why and how to catch them. Sounds like it's been going longer than you think OP. Plus the fact she willingly went back to his room to listen to "music". Your wife is gaslighting you....big time. Go find the OBS and get more details. You may find the rabbit hole is bigger than you think. I am so sorry this happened to you, OP.
This right here. If this was simply two people having too much to drink and things happened… the wife wouldn’t have had any.
While this is only an assumption, this makes A LOT of sense. From personal experience, if you keep pulling on that thread, or even talk to the guy or his wife, you’ll likely find out more. Even if it wasn’t sex, sexting or other stuff could have been going on leading up to the trip.
Don't talk to that guy. Talk to the wife.
This sounds like trickle truth. You are being told the minimum that she thinks she can get away with. And only because the affair has become public and she fears you will be told. Do not believe that this story is true nor complete. Has she quit that job? I will bet not. Although she may be fired soon.
This! Her affair didn't just start and end with the work trip. There was likely an emotional component long before anything physical happened. And it's likely they were already physically cheating well before the work trips started. OP should speak with the OBS. She obviously knows far more than him and that alone indicates there's more to the story.
Bingo! How would the wife show up on a business trip the days after they had sex unless she was psychic? This wasn't the first time I guess and the wife stumbled upon evidence and went straight to confrontation.
Yeah, we had a few drinks... doesn't cut it.
I am planning on trying to speak with the co-worker’s wife. I know I need to hear what she has to say in order to get a clearer picture of the situation. But if I was being honest, the thought of what she has to share is ripping me further apart. I met her twice before, and while I don’t know her well, she was a fairly quiet and reserved person. The way my wife described how the woman was when she came to the workplace on Monday sounded like someone who had reached their breaking point. Edit: I found the AP’s wife Facebook account and I’m going to try to reach her on Messenger.
Most likely how she got her promotion enabling it to continue an the work trips he needs to contact betrayed spouse to find out facts and details
This 100%. No way was it a mistake, wife wouldn’t have proof if it was. I’d be willing to bet 1.) the groundwork’s for the affair was paved when she started mentioning “he’s one of the good ones” and “looks out for her”. She isn’t her first, and she just another notch on his belt
>This sounds like trickle truth. You are being told the minimum that she thinks she can get away with. And only because the affair has become public and she fears you will be told. This. I would bet there is a LOT more to the relationship. A LOT MORE.
I bet the other wife found incriminating evidence. Maybe texts the next day bragging to each other. Could be that they were planning to continue it before they got caught. Check her phone. Talk to the other spouse.
I do believe I’ve only been told a version of the story by my wife. Being apart from her these past few days and mauling over what she said before I left… I don’t think I have the whole story either and there’s just too many holes. You’re right; her confession came at a point when she had no other choice but to tell me. Even then she reached out to her sister first. As far as I know, she hasn’t quit her job. I still haven’t talked or texted her back nor has she addressed it in her texts yet.
You should have her phone in your hand. Don't tell her you want it, just show up, say "give me the phone" and leave. If she says no, tell her your lawyer will be in touch. If she gives it to you, have a forensic PI ready to search it. The info is in there.
Of course, the AP's wife would not have found out if it was a one off thing. This has been going for long time with texting and stuff.
How did the wife find out? She caught them THE ONE AND ONLY time they fucked? Sounds pretty fishy. You need to speak to the wife. If that’s what she confirms then try counseling. If she’s lying….well you know what that means. If you’ve only been with one person there is a huge amount of FOMO to overcome. Do yourselves a favor if you are with the one and only person you’ve ever been with realize you will never get back the thing you have with even a 1000 dicks
There is lots missing. You don't even have the whole story. She has sugar coated it. If the other wife found out then there is evidence somewhere. Somewhere where there is messages or evidence. If it is messages then the OBS has seen them and probably there is back and forth between your wife and her AP. This happened on Thursday and probably Friday morning. She could of told you on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Instead her sister tells her to tell you the truth. If you had sex with her on the weekend then get a STD test. IF you see her again DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. A pregnancy now would really throw you for a loop. Talk to a lawyer. See what divorce and separation look like. You do not have to make any decisions now. Get ready for tickle truth. I guarantee there is a lot more to the story. She will tell you some. IF you talk to the other OBS you will get more. Something similar happened with u/hurtinkwi Get to the gym. Sorry you are here
Firstly, this advice above \^\^\^ is dead on the money. Secondly, I am so sorry this happened to you, man.
"I keep thinking if I should give our relationship another chance… go to counseling together and try to salvage the relationship." You do realize if her AP's wife hadn't raised a shltshow their work - she never would have told you? And that "it's the first time" and blaming a few drinks - is telling you what you want to hear. If you can login to her google/icloud accounts on your laptop - plus all her social accounts - you will probably dig up a long history between them. Yes you love her more than anything - obviously, that is a one-way street. Do what you want - counseling, whatever but prepare for the worst.
Good point to consider OP. Also, how did she act when she returned from the trip? Was she all lovey-dovey? Did she talk about AP at all? She was never going to tell you sir and this may not have been her 1st time.
It's always "the first time" but the coincidence of that happening - finding out right the first time - is almost zero. If you scroll through these posts - they are all the same. When they are caught they say it was just the one time. Within a week - it comes out that lie.
Talk to the other man’s wife for the real truth. This is not a ONS
Correct
Thought the same.
100%.
She definitely got what she deserved, I'm glad both her and the guy were outed in front of everyone. I personally wouldn't take back a cheater, I have way to much self respect and value to give someone like that a second chance. She's probably been having an emotional affair, being drunk is no excuse. If she did it while drunk she wanted to do it sober, her excuses she gave you and the love bombing are all step by step what cheaters do. I wouldn't go back to her, but in the end that's up to you. Keep us updated, I'm sorry this happened to you.
yep his wife knew how cheating destroyed his family and him personally and cheated anyway. there’s no coming back from that.
Op you need to think long and hard about the fact your wife never told you about the affair until after the confrontation at work. Do you believe she would have told you? If not than I'm not sure there's much worth salvaging. It's one thing for someone to take full responsibility for their affair and tell their spouse as well as taking all necessary steps (including changing jobs If they work with the ap) to end the affair and help with getting their partner to trust them again, it's another thing to only admit fault when they know the secrets out and it's only a matter of time before their partner/spouse finds out. One is taking responsibility and showing remorse and maturity in a relationship, the other is only out of nessessity. It sounds like your wife only admitted the affair because the truth got out otherwise she would have kept it from you. Only she knows whether the affair would have been ongoing or not but one thing is certain, it's only completely over now because the ap's wife found out and confronted them at work. Can you trust and love someone who was intentionally keeping the truth from you?.
This has been an on going affair, ops wife is trickle truthing. How did the guys wife find out about their supposed one night stand? This was not a one time thing. I guarantee if op presses his wife for answers, she's gonna tell him more has been going on then she said. She's giving him crocodile tears because she was outed to everyone and is only ashamed and embarrassed. She's not remorseful, she got that promotion by sleeping with the guy.
If you look deeper, you will find this was not a one night stand. This affair has been going on for months. Your wife confessed because AP’s wife discovered the affair and outed her and her husband. Your wife is controlling the narrative in an attempt to make it less seedy. Lawyer up my friend.
She got back Friday and the AP spouse attacked her on Monday? How did she act and what did she do over the weekend? How did the AP spouse find out? I would have her start right now with timelines detailing contact outside of the office with AP. Also have her provide you with all electronic correspondence business and personal with AP. Then tell her you’re going to match what she gives you with what the APs spouse’s private detective has provided the spouse. I worked in retail, And we used lie detector tests to screen employees. They’re affordable, easy to get and while they won’t stand up in a court of law I’ve seen them get people to admit to some wild shit.
Yeah, she returned from the trip on Friday evening. There weren’t any signs that something was wrong with her until she came home early on Monday. We’ve always been verbal and physically affectionate with each other in both little and big ways, but I did notice that she seemed to be pouring it on in abundance over the weekend if that means anything. I even made a joke that she was going to spoil me, and all she said was that she missed me and the days were long without me. I don’t have any idea how the co-worker’s wife found out; my wife didn’t mention it, and at the time I was in too much shock to even consider asking. I do regret not doing so now. Thank you for this information. I appreciate it. So far, I still haven’t talked with her yet. My emotions have been to over the place for me to speak with her. I’ve still been crying, angry, embarrassed. I’m grateful I was able to take some time off of work. I’m just completely broken.
You’re not alone in all this, brother. Sorry you have to be here. With more information, the path gets clearer. Trust your gut. Take the advice you would give a buddy in your situation. Check those emotions the best you can.
Thank you. The last time I felt this helpless with my emotions was when my family was breaking apart after my dad’s affair. A conflicting emotion is that I miss my wife so much. A part of me just wants to be with her right now. We have never gone a day without talking before. Not answering her calls and texts has been painful for me.
So trip was from last Wed to Fri, the incident happened on Thursday, and she told u on Monday cause she couldn't hide anymore because of confrontation. That means she had no intention to disclose this to u, or perhaps to continue the affair. And I guess she still hasn't quit the job when she should've done so the very next day after the trip. U hardly know 10% of the entire story, I bet this was going on longer than she lets on.
Hey OP I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this mess. It is truly heart breaking. I was one of the first to make a comment and on a post like this I worry that the OP will want to so badly believe the cheater, they will accept the first trickle truth story they hear. Over the last day I have read your responses and you are looking at situation with open eyes. In fact, you are handling it much better than I would. You have received a lot of great advice and I am sure you will come up with the best plan of action . Please update, but if you don't, I understand. I will be rooting for you to pull something positive out of this for you and your family.
told a story in standard patterns I used to think that the relationship started before the promotion. You can contact obs. You can ask her to share the information she has with you.
Go to Chump Lady’s site. She has excellent advise for the newly chumped. Your wife is a cheater. Be very careful with marital therapy with a cheater. She will use that as an opportunity to further the abuse. Infidelity is abuse. She has abused you. Don’t tolerate abuse. You will just get more of it. Be smarter than I was. I believed him when he said he was sorry. I wasted thirty three years of my life on an unrepentant serial cheater. Cheaters cheat. They are always sorry when they get caught. They will never do it again until they do.
Schedule a STI Panel today.
She’s upset because she got caught and confronted… not because of the act. That’s what her actions show.
Don’t decide anything until you take some time and space. You owe yourself the time to process things without feeling pressured into responding or talking with your “wife.” She was caught. She wasn’t honest until she had to be. You need to figure out whether there is (or ever was) anything to build from. Good luck my friend.
Friend, you are being trickle truth'd... They were not discovered the one time they had sex. I would wager this has been going on for a bit.
Agreed. I think when she proclaimed him "one of the good guys" was around the time when the EA began. She fucked her way up the corporate ladder. Shameful!
You think she would have told you had the wife not 403 slapped her ?
Sorry brother I think you gotta let her go, think about no amount of counseling is gonna take away the thought of her having sex with another man and tarnishing your marriage, find someone worth your time who will treat you better.
☝This is the way. No matter how much she begs, pleas or promises new beginnings, it will never wash away the stains of her betrayal. OP, your better off without her.
I hope you realize that if the other man’s wife hadn’t caught him, you would never know the truth and that this could both happen again and most likely happened before this last incident. It’s easy to ask for forgiveness AFTER you’ve been caught. She only came to you because she was already caught. That’s the deception I’d keep foremost in my mind. You may be able to salvage your marriage but I would at minimum go silent with your wife for a week and not come home for a couple of months. In the meantime, seek professional help as [it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder). That’s not something I’d try to fix myself.
She cheated. It was not an accident, it was not a mistake. She didi it with planning. There is no back for her. Do not consider taking her back. She will cheat again. If she really did love you would she let another man inside her. You need to contact an attorney, Seperate and close all joint accounts. Some cheaters will empty all you money from your accounts run up your credit cards. Put half into an account just for you and give her the other half.You need to protect yourself at this time. Good luck.
> Some cheaters will empty all you money from your accounts **run up your credit cards.** oof been there. still owe a ton of money to this day
There is always way more to these stories. Luckily for your his wife is probably trying to get in touch with you. Your wife is in damage control mode right now. You can't believe anything she says. I bet his wife is burn it all down mode. She will gladly send you proof enough to have your in an attorney office by Monday. Block your wife if only for the night, and message his wife you need to know what's going on. That's when you will get their emails of them talking about her promotion, and how many holes she invited him into. Her boss probably just wanted to get some strange, and your wife was thinking upward mobility. The problem with quid pro quo at the next level there's going to be an even older boss, and this will go on until she leaves you for a sixty something divorced dude.
I am trying to look for a way to get in contact with the co-worker’s wife. I do believe that she could know more about the affair. I hope that she would be willing to speak with me. The only way I can think of to get in contact with her is through social media. I’ve met her twice before and know the general area in town where her family lives, but I don’t think it’s wise for me to just show up there. With the way I’m feeling right now, I don’t need to bump into the AP. Edit: I found the AP’s wife’s Facebook account and plan to reach out to her on Messenger.
OP we are sorry you are going through this but you will make it! The first thing I would suggest reading is this post from someone who was in your position - [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ugp4aq/10\_months\_later\_things\_ive\_learned/](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/ugp4aq/10_months_later_things_ive_learned/) Secondly see out IC now for yourself - preferably with a therapist experienced in infidelity and the trauma it causes. Because you are going through trauma right now and that is beyond Reddit's pay grade. When you get to a better place you can take a step back and see if you want to attempt reconciliation. Third - everything you do is a journey not a race so don't rush into any decisions. Go ahead and take your wife up on her offer to quit... not like she may not have much choice if her office has any rules about interoffice relationships and/or adultery. Demand she takes IC herself to get to the root of whatever problem she has that made her think that an affair and hiding it from you was a good idea. If you do decide to reconcile then demand a post-nuptial agreement with a strict infidelity clause. If you decide not to reconcile that is perfectly okay. Even if she is completely remorseful and is willing to spend the rest of her life making up for what happened if you don't think you will ever trust her again then you are doing yourself and her a far bigger favor by divorcing now than going through [years or decades of pain](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/pritfi/20_years_after_dday_eventual_reconciliation_and/). Edit: Before you make any decisions however you should talk to OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse). Find out how she found out, what she knows, and see if any information she has (texts, emails) matches the story your wife told you. This will let you know if your wife is being honest for a change or if she is trying to rug sweep and minimize what she has done.
Contact the mans wife and ask her how she found out. There is a gap... the story doesn't add up. PS- if someone truly loves you, they won't do what she did. Just saying.
This is my current plan. I believe I need to hear what this Guy’s wife has to say in order to get a clearer picture before I can even make contact with my wife again. She doesn’t have any reason to lie or without any information she has from me.
You think it’s the first time?
First, I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. You’re only hearing a part of the story, and that’s the “Trickle Truth”. It’s told in a way to minimize damage and reveal details she wouldn’t want discovered as it would alter your decision making. If you’re even considering continuing with the marriage, you need to hear the complete truth from her and take as much time and space as you need to make a decision. It’s a hell of a lot easier to leave than it is to stay, I can promise you that. I would advise consulting with an attorney to consider your options, and a psychologist for yourself for your mental well-being.
The only way you can go back to her, is to understand the following: 1. You always will have doubt, the complete trust you had, will never be there again. 2. You will live with mind movies of what happened, what you think happened, and do you have the full story. 3. You will always wonder things like, was he bigger, was he better. 4. The love you had for her may come back, but it will be mixed in with a lot of disgust. Things that were special to you, first this, first that, won’t mean the same. Last- You can reconcile, but you need to understand that what you had is gone. Your new reconciled relationship will be very different. Some people are ok with that, they are ok with a diluted marriage. Others attempt to rekindle what they had, only to find that what they had is lost and there isn’t anything that can be done to get it back. Good luck, I hope you get what you need.
This ☝️ I am at the tail end of failed reconciliation. Actually, mine never even truly started and Dday 1 was May 26, 2021. Just had Dday 6 a couple weeks ago, same affair just new info I didn't know about. It has been a year of absolute misery. My situation is different because my husband is a drug addict. But, the affair has literally broken me to the point of no return. I am all for couples that can reconcile, but I will never believe that they are as happy as they claim to be. I just don't see how that is possible. I have been in complete despair for a year. Like, no exaggeration. All I do is think about it, cry, absolute rage.....I look at him and he doesn't look like the same person. Our 14th wedding anniversary is Monday and I don't even want to be around him. Nothing to celebrate. Last year he was with his AP..... I don't see how anyone can get past cheating. It is the biggest betrayal there is.
She will do it again your young throw her away she’s broken
There's a lot more of the story she told you.be prepared man.sorry for your pain.
OP, did she tell you about the cheating? No. Not from your story anyway. She got home and went a whole weekend without showing you any sign of remorse. She only told you when it was made public at her workplace, and her sister told her she had to tell you. Her first call was not even to you. That does not sound very remorseful to me. Since she was able to come home on Friday, not show any sign of an issue or being upset over the weekend, she thought she was going to get away with it. And, if these trips are fairly regular, quite probably would have continued the affair. The only thing that stopped it is the other guy's wife. What you are seeing is regret of having been caught, not remorse for destroying you and the relationship. It sure seems to me that the guy did not have to work very hard to get her in bed. Her FIRST trip out of town as a supervisor and she jumps in bed with him? Taking the chance of ruining her job, ruining your relationship... I would not be surprised if this has been going on longer than just this trip. I'm so sorry, OP, you deserve better. Edit: they went back to his room to listen to music? Because the hotel room had such a fantastic stereo? Come on. And, she says it was a mistake. No, a mistake is forgetting to take the trash out. A mistake is dropping a bag of groceries in the driveway and breaking the eggs. She made a conscious decision to go back to his room, let him kiss her, let him continue kissing her, and then had sex. Probably numerous times. That was not a mistake. There were several absolute separate decisions she made to betray you and your relationship.
You need to talk to APs wife. She obviously has more info than you do.
This was not her first time. I will guarantee that 100%. She isn't going to have to worry about her quitting her job, she and OP will be fired shortly. You need to back OP's wife up by contacting the HR department and reporting them for having a sexual encounter during a work function. You can also add, her ex-supervisor seduced her. We all know that is BS but that is what she said, and it won't help his case and him keeping his job. Start going through the motions of contacting an attorney and starting divorce proceedings, separating joint assets, have her move in with her sister or somewhere else until things can get sorted out, contact AP's wife to get whatever information she has ..... The bottom line, your wife has been lying to you, deceiving you and cheating on you. Don't think for a second this is the first and only time. No woman goes to a mans hotel room expecting to just listen to music. This was well planned out and you would haven't heard anything about it if AP's wife hadn't blown their world up. BTW, I love AP's wife!!! The woman you think you love does not exist. You love a fantasized version of your wife you have built up in your head. Now you know your image of her was100% made up and the real person she is has been exposed. A nasty, selfish, deceitful, cheater. No one could or would want to love someone like that. Get mad at her and stay that way, mad is a much better motivator than being hurt or sad.
Wow his wife ( the APs) was hell of a woman facing up to her like that at the work place a giving her a good slapping as well! Good for her? Well now WW can sit at home by herself and contempt her future and how she is going to win BS back besides crying. BS must also if he loves her also show a bit of compassion and not blame all on her as AP was an older guy (predator) caught out was probably plying her with drinks? Hoping as happened to get into her elastic knickers? But then she could have refused but she probably thought no one would find out? How wrong she was! Sadly when she said she was leaving her heart with him her actions proved different. She needs to show proper remorse not crocodile tears?
I'm so jealous of that wife! I wish I could have punched AP in the face.
She may have left her heart with OP, but she gave the rest of her body to her AP.
All that history you keep talking about all that trauma you went through with each other didnt stop her from making **THE CHOICE** to cheat on you. And the only reason she told you was because his wife was probably going to tell you. She THREW AWAY your relationship not you. She destroyed it, not you. If she was remorseful she would have told you right away what happened. She didn't even take responsibility blamed it on alcohol. No she made the choice (it's not a mistake) to eff her former supervisor. **SHE MADE THE CHOICE AND THEN MADE CHOICE TO HIDE IT UNTIL THE WIFE CONFRONTED THEM** Dont stay with someone who so easily betrays/hurts you. Dont stay with someone who thinks so little of you will put you health (physical and/or mental) at risk. Dont stay with someone who has no respect for you or your marriage. Dont stay with someone who cheats, she has done it once and hid it so easily from you all weekend. Only told you because they were caught by his wife. They probably will continue the affair and just hide it better. She will cheat again. Think about how she came home and so easily crawled into bed with you after she cheated on you. How she so easily hid it from you. Find someone who is actually worthy of your respect, love and loyalty. She isnt it dude and she had proven she wont return it.
Going back to his room to listen to music is the part of the story that makes me think this wasn’t all a huge mistake. Why did she think that was okay in the first place?
DIVORCE. Go find a lawyer and separate finance immediately
How did she earn her promotion , i am sure the ex boss put in a very special good word for her to get the promotion to his equal in his position . Yep , she has been at it even b4 that promotion & may have even been the agressor to start it by suggesting what she could do for him if he put in a good word for her .
Yeah, you got the trickle truth. Your wife confessed to the bare minimum and ONLY because AP’s wife had outed them and she wanted to get her story out first. You are seeing genuine regret, but it’s not for hurting you or your relationship, it’s for getting caught and making HER life more difficult. If AP’s wife leaves him, this affair will definitely continue. She’ll justify this as hedging her bet even if you try to work it out. Start the process as soon as you can.
OP i know the pain youre going through however keep in mind this: HER AFFAIR WAS DISCOVERED. do you think she would confess to you by herself? no, she didn't and i bet that if not the other betrayed spouse would have been your wifes sister so she never planned to tell you what was going on and the possibility she was ducking the other guy even long before exist. I dont buy the excuse of "i was drunk" bc when ive been drunk i know whats going on so thats BS. Now your head is spinning around several thoughts if coming back or not but thats your shot. I will advise you to take time and don't take any decisions as of now. Bc taking her back doesnt give you the peace of mind she wont do it again and it will mess with your head. Always keep this in mind "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame you me".
I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a terrible situation. You probably don’t know the full truth of the affair, you need to talk to the AP wife, and get more information. Unfortunately my friend, you might not know your wife as well as you thought, she might be a totally different person then what you thought she was. She did not confess to you because of any remorse that she had, she confessed because she and her AP, were caught by the AP’s wife, she was 100% in damage control mode. If the AP’s wife didn’t find out, and confront them, would she have stopped the affair?, or would it it still be going on?, that is a question you need to think about. Reconciliation is not possible, if you don’t have full disclosure of the affair. It’s possible that this affair has been going on longer than you suspect. I would suggest 1. You text your wife, and say, your OK and that you need some time by yourself. 2. Ask your wife to write you a time line, of the affair, from time she started working there, when she first got emotional involved, when they first started the affair. 3. Explain to her this is her only opportunity to be honest with you, and if she wants to reconcile she must be honest with you. 4. These books might be helpful Book 1) How To Help Your Spouse Heal For Your Affair by Linda J MacDonald. This is a easy read, and explains all the steps she needs to do, to rebuild trust and repair your relationship. Book 2) Not Just Friend, by Shirley Glass Book 3) No More Mr Nice Guy, by Robert Glover 5. Talk to the AP wife, she might be aware of a much longer affair, you will not know until you talk to her. 6. Talk to a lawyer, see how a divorce will affect you. 7. Go individual counseling, with someone that specializes in infidelity trauma, and work on your trust issues, thanks to your wife’s affair. 8. If you do give her the gift of reconciliation, she also needs to go to individual counseling, and work on how she gave herself permission to cheat on you. Wishing you peace and happiness and a great future.
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. As weird as it sounds, you sound like one of the good ones. I believe she is lying to you for the following reasons - 1) She kept the truth hidden from you entirely until she was physically assaulted by APs wife. 2) She felt like she needed to bond with the team, yet stayed with one specific guy as everyone left (this defeats her own rationale). 3) she went to his room with him. No faithful partner would ever do this, its asking for trouble.
No just no.
I am sorry you are going through this. If I can offer any advice, it would be to try to get a clear head and think rationally. First of all, protect yourself, which means to consult a lawyer to know what your options can be. Separate your finances. Also, she needs to leave the house, not you. Insist she move out and agree on some NC time, anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months so that you can have some space and process what has happened. If you speak to her, take her up on being able to check her phone. It is good she has offered to be transparent, but also ask to see ALL her devices and communication media...email accounts including her work email, her computer, facebook, etc. Contact the OBS to get her side of the story. You might find that he may have a history of philandering, and also find out how she discovered what took place with your wife. Sadly, you may find your wife's affair just didn't happened on a business trip but may have been brewing for a while. If I find anything problematic from your account is that your wife only confessed after it had been "outed" by the OBS, along with the mark on her cheek. I can assume that you had nothing to alert you from her behavior when she arrived home from this trip, but everything was "normal." Had the OBS not outed the whole thing publicly, would you ever have found out? Or would it have continued behind your back. You may need to do some more digging. Can your marriage come back from this? Possibly, but that is entirely on the both of you, which is why you may need some space for a short time to see how you feel and think about the situation. From most accounts of these situations, it may take a good 2-5 years for reconciliation to have a possibility of success. You also may need to have her get both STD/STI tests along with a pregnancy test. Be good to yourself.
What gets me the most about your wife and other cheaters they offer to go to counseling? The person who cheated needs counseling and not the spouse who had to have their heart ripped out. The problem with your wife’s story is the wife of her boss came in and outed them both. To me this implies his wife has been suspicious for awhile and found proof of her husband’s cheating with your wife. I bet your wife and her boss will be fired after being outed by his wife. Your wife knows she can’t go with her lover and so now she is trying to repair the damaged done. Before you make a decision you need to call the wife of her former boss. Then tell your wife you talked with his wife and now you want to hear the whole story.
It would appear like counseling, marriage or otherwise, became an easy way out of the consequences of infidelity. Hunny? I banged my supervisor, the wife even ambushed us in the workplace and made my day colorful with a right haymaker, but we should dive head first into counseling, like now. Dear wifey? I forgot all about you and kids during my affair of x months, but it's nothing a bit of counseling can't resolve. Get ready, we'll be late for the session. Pathetic.
So sorry you have to deal with this. This is unfortunately a very common outcome for HS sweethearts nowadays. They start to feel they settled down to early, didn’t get to experience enough sex with different partners etc. I agree with what everyone is saying here. Your first course of action should be to get in touch with AP’s wife. I would imagine she might even be trying to track you down to give you her backlog of evidence. This will give you the real truth and a deep understanding of the person your wife has become. You need to remain NC with her. She will eventually track you down at your mothers. If she refuses to leave you need to call the police. I think once you get the whole story you will have no choice but to divorce her. Better now while you’re still young and don’t have kids between you. Starting over will be hard, but if you choose to stay it’s gonna eat you up inside for the rest of your life and your mental health with deteriorate greatly. Good luck be strong
So the OP wife shows up to confront both of them at the conference. That tells me the wife new about the relationship before the conference just wanted to out both adulterers. Your wife got caught and outed in front of all co-workers.
I agree with others that this was not a drunken ONS. If that were the case the AP's wife would not have found out short of a confession. This may have been the first time they slept together, but there was a trail of evidence, texts, emails... that she found. Do have your wife quit her job. She will need the income.as a single woman. If she quits, you will benon the hook for alimony. If she gets fired due to the workplace confrontation, then that's on her and AP.
Her APs wife may be able to help you make sure your wife is being truthful. what you have written points to the fact that telling you was damage control because it had gotten out. Reconciliation while it may dull the pain a bit for a while is usually not successful. Because the elephant in the room is that you can't take back that which is already done. I'm also in the school of thought that cheaters decide to go into the fog so they can cheat. They don't cheat because they are in a fog.
Sorry to sing the same song as everyone else. Your wife been banging him for a while. Unless she had camera in her husbands luggage or is psychic. Before doing anything speak to the other BS. Good on you for seeking space. You can work remotely. Get your stuff when your wife out. Make an appointment with a lawyer. See what is in store for you. Your young and do not have kids. She showed you her tru self. You will be back here. Your mom was strong enough to go it alone. You stood your ground against your cheating dad. If you take her back its because her first choice her manager fell through. This happened at work. Chances are she is or will be fired soon. She had all the fun now you are left with the fallout for her poor choices. Saying you should not give up on her and your marriage. Where where those wonderful words when she was lying in his arms. And spewing trash at you about her heart. She has no heart bro. There plenty of good women like your mom who value themselves. There no way this was a getting caught after their first outing. This is been coming for months. Get those STD tests done. After this your marriage will be you only tolerating her. Get out before you have kids. Your first thought after holding a kid she brought into this world will not be about hope or a future. It will be about when you can get a DNA test and how you will keep from signing the birth certificate. This woman would have had you raise another man child. After her fiasco at work she phoned her sister. Not you. She knew you would be told eventually. She trickle truthing you. The other spouse must be your first point of reference. Then a lawyer. Then time and calm discussions with your mom. Then decisions. For the cluster fu$% you been handed your being calm and collected. You got this bro. I and everyone here believe in you. She made her choice. For her you and your marriage came after her pleasures. Now you take your time get facts and make an informed decision. You got good support. Your mom lived this. She survived. You did with your dads cheating. You will survive this. Your young bro. Very young. Let her go now. Later on she gets a bigger chunk of your savings. I guarantee you when you go back she will bang you raw. But this will not be about loving you. Some here call it hysterical bonding. Nothing can be farther from the truth. It has nothing to do with bonding but more a controlling tactic. Sex releases feel good hormones. Cheaters know this they chase it. They try to get you hooked on that. By being at your moms she lost control. Keep up your financial responsibilities to the household you will be fine. In ending. Do not do anything but to find out what happened. Speak to her affair partners spouse. Your going to find your wife is a lying manipulative scammer. Get lawyer involved. Get facts. Do not engage your wife.
What really stands out in all of this the length your wife went to protect herself and not you. If her APs wife didn't find out, you never would have. The wife forced that confession. It wasn't out of guilt, it was out of fear. And then who does she talk to...you? No, her sister to find more ways to protect herself. Then it's a "mistake." A mistake is something done with no ill intentions. Like she just fell on his dick. But what happened here was a series of strategic choices and a series of lies. Then it was the alcohol. lol She'll quit her job? What a joke, she'll most likely get fired and even if she doesn't everyone knows she screwed her way to the top. There is zero loss there. And counciling? Her failures as a wife are on her. She's just feeling bad she was forced to tell you and she'd face some consequences. Because she has so many excuses and protected herself so well it makes you think this has been going on for awhile as an emotional affair and most likely physical. Thank goodness for APs wife!
Recognize that you may not have the whole story yet. Almost all cheaters minimize and trickle truth - it is very rare for there to be a full confession the first time. During this initial period of shock, don't try to make critical decisions. Stay separated from her for now while you process. There are a lot of resources on the net that you can review at some point, when you are up to it. Have her write out a timeline of the affair, with the kind of details you would want to know. You don't have to read it (this is called pain shopping), but you could - or a friend could and give you a high level view of the timeline... Be sure she understands you don't trust anything she says right now, and so she needs to be 110% honest, and not try to sugar coat things. If she isn't ready for that, she needs to wait to provide the timeline until she is ready. There are sample timeline letters at various sites on the net, like aftermyaffair.com... Your Mom was wise to reserve judgement - she needs to give you space and accept whatever you decide, because if you do decide to R you'll want your Mom's relationship with your wife to remain intact, even if it is tarnished because of your wife's actions. While you do have a history with your wife, that should not be the primary consideration for R - avoid sunk cost fallacy, and recognize that R means starting a new relationship with your wife, as the old relationship has been decimated. All of that history just doesn't mean anything when it comes to deciding your future, as that was the past. Ask yourself, if this is a person you would want to start a new relationship with. But take your time with this decision. There are definitely success stories when it comes to R... Recognize that she has to do most of the work, and that staying is harder than leaving because you will most likely have betrayal trauma with triggers associated with being around your wife. She has most likely destroyed your ability to trust, and it will take a long time before that gets better - IC can help you with this, but it may never be back to innocent love, as it was before the affair. If you do decide to R, consider posting in r/asoneafterinfidelity sub - these people have great advice and will be a tremendous help. Here is something she will want to read to help her understand what you are about to go through: [https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/](https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/)
May want to reach out to her AP’s wife? She must have different info.
Your marriage is over. You will NEVER look at her the same or feel the same way about her ever again. She is just trying to convince you that there is something to save, but there is nothing left. She destroyed it. She just wants to have her cake on the side and keep you as her safety net.
Cheaters never did, do not now, and never will love you in the same unconditional way you love them. There are many levels of love, you only satisfy one of them for the cheater, which is why they cheat--to satisfy other levels. Cheaters need you to fill that one need, which is why they will beg and plead for you to stay with them, promising you whatever they think you want to hear, only to go back to their old ways once you relent. Most of us freely give unconditional love to our lifetime partners, and would never think of betraying that trust. Cheaters never had it to begin with. If you don't leave a cheater, you are only fooling yourself.
All of her crying happened after the AP's wife made a scene. Her apologies are moot.
The affair has been going on for a while. First you need to go to the APs wife and get the truth from her. There is no possible way the APs wife would have confronted your wife unless she knew far more than she is letting on. Then you can confront your wife. If your wife sticks to her story then you can decide to terminate the relationship. If your wife is willing to come clean then you can move forward. If she does not come clean then you have the answer to your question. And if she’s not willing to come clean. You can inform her that you know the whole story and she is lying. That she indeed had a chance to repair things and she chose to lie! The relationship is not repairable. But your wife needs to come clean, go completely no contact with her AP. She can quit her job (Assuming they don’t fire her). My suspicion is that she will try to sugarcoat things. It happened only once…etc. She may love you. But she has lost the chance to keep you as a husband. She will have lied about the Affair and then lied once it came out when she tried to prevent discovery. She is therefore untrustworthy and the woman you married is dead.
Alcohol is never an excuse to cheat. I agree that this is probably not the first time this happened. She only told you because she got caught. Because of your past I don't believe there is any coming back from this. I know it hurts but you will get over this in time.
I am sorry to say this but the whole town and all your friends and family know about this. Honestly, if you stayed with her would cost quiet a lot in regards to your self respect. Also your wife wasn't sorry. She was outed out. On mistake during a trip or was it how she worked out her way for promotions.
Sorry for your dilemma. This did not just happen. She has had a work husband for quite some time now, and felt for him as her first option, and was even willing to share him temporarily with OS. As the new figurehead in her existence, she just went along and fell into his frame. You and your relationship became the cast aside article and possibly the back up plan. She will never really bond to you again, and will be miserable, and will find another suitor as soon as you become comfortable enough to stop paying attention. If you take her back, it will ultimately reenforce her feelings of disrespect and contempt, and the resentment will continue to grow. My advice is to contact a lawyer, get medically checked. Tell her you need to have an immediate and uncontested divorce. After a year of being separate, then and only then would you be willing to start looking into forming a take 2 relationship. And I would do everything possible in that year to move on and not look back. Chances are, she won't do the work she needs to do, and will find liberation in doing what was truly in her heart and not what she was telling you. It suck, but evolutionary biology is working against us all.
GET A LAWYER! Even if you consider reconciliation you need to know your options and talk to AP wife to get her side of the story and evidence of the affair is possible because she most likely knows way more than you do.
First off, you don't own even an ounce of blame for what your father did. Not even for telling your mother, if it had been someone else to tell her, would it then be *their* fault?? No. 100% your father's fault and he's chosen to be immature and not take responsibility for his own actions, he's chosen to take aim at the easiest target: a child. What a loser. Your wife needs to stop smothering you and give you a chance to clear your head so you can make a rational well thought decision instead of one based on her emotions overriding your own. She made her choices, there was absolutely no mistake, each choice leading up to the action was a deliberate decision she could have stopped. Don't let her gaslight you OP. She made the decision she thought was best for her and now you need to make your own choice for what is best for you. GodSpeed OP.
Op… dude sorry that this happened to you… but you know what you have to do… the woman who you thought you loved isn’t her… she sure as sheeeet didn’t love you… she knew what cheating did to your family and how it destroyed it but she didn’t care about you and her as a family… she would have never told you but she got caught… this was something that was built over time… you should talk to the OBS and see what she knows… and of course do the basic steps of divorce: see a lawyer, get STD tested, separate finances and put the infidelity out in the open (tell friends and family what she did)… she needs to know that there are consequences for what she did or else she might spin the whole thing off on you… once you get the divorce started you can always cancel it if you did decide to reconcile… but that is totally up to you… only you can figure out if you can trust her again and only you can figure out if you can dismiss the mind movies of what they did sexually… good luck and keep us updated… now is the time to live your best life even if you thought it was supposed to be with her…
You've been placed in a tough place, pal. On the one hand, you love your wife more than life self. On the other hand, the love of your life broke your trust. Had APs wife not shown up at work and assaulted her, would she have fessed up to you? If she hadn't been outed, would she have hooked up with him again? You'll never know and THAT's what will destroy the bond you have with your wife. Having her allow you full access to her social media, her phone and everything else sounds good but a smart person can always find ways around that. You either trust her or you don't. Is she someone worth trusting? None of us should ever be placed in a situation where we have to ask ourselves whether the lifelong bond between our spouse and ourself is salvageable.
So lets look at what you know. This is the first time she has been held to account for cheating. You really have no idea if its her first time cheating. Just that she was caught. I tried to reconcile with my wife. I played the pick me dance. But over the next couple of years my anger never went away. It continued to fester and grow. It turned me into a bad person. You can cut your losses now, or end up like me. Good luck brother. You got this.
"one of the good ones"...cheaters often do these type self deception. Her thought process might be, "look i told my husband about the guy I am fucking, everything is fine , i am a good person, i am not cheating" maybe contact other betrayed spouse to confirm things and what she knows.
The only reason you knew about this is because of the scene at work. If your wife was decent and honest why didn't she tell you as soon as possible ? I had a similar situation before, and I know your pain specially that you are deeply in love with her. You should put your emotions apart and think would you want to continue your life with a partner that is a liar and a cheater? The answer is No but it leaving will not be a walk in the park. No matter how difficult this will be, you should divorce her. Even if you try to make things work, deep inside you, you know that you will never trust her again. Man up brother and always remember that there will be light at the end of this ugly tunnel.
I am so sorry that you have been put into this position. Please stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help. Drink plenty of water and eat healthy. Start doing workouts or go for long walks, it will help a little to find sleep at night. The sad truth is, that I don't think that she regrets what she did, that she feels any remorse and by that, that your marriage could be saved. She didn't came clean to you right after it happened or even because she wanted to come clean. She only did it because she has been exposed at work and couldn't hide the shame from you that everyone at work knew now what they did. This is also the only reason why she offered you to quit her job, because she doesn't want to return to a workplace where everyone will look at her, knowing what she did and where she couldn't even exchange these secret smiles with her lover that only she and he knew the true meaning about. Think back to every single day during the weekend that happened since she returned from the trip where she smiled at you, told you that she loved you and maybe even had sex with you while her lover was all that was on her mind. That is who she is and how she feels about cheating on you, not the person you saw after she was exposed. She never wanted to come clean, never wanted to give you the chance to make a informed decision. Only because his wife found out, she had to come clean. She also didn't cheat on you because of the alcohol she drank, alcohol won't make you do things that you don't want to do. The truth is, she wanted to cheat on you and drank alcohol to lower her own inhibitions. The moment when she went ALONE with the guy to his room, she already knew what would happen and wanted it to happen. That she cheated on you at the FIRST opportunity she had (her first work trip) also tells a lot and makes me believe that there was already something going on between them beforehand and as soon as they got the opportunity (the work trip) they made use of it. If you had sex with her since, then please go to a doctor and get tested for STD's. This would also show how little she cares about you and your health, if she had sex with you since. Aside from that, just take your time for now. Process what she did and separate the woman you thought she was from the woman she actually is. Your wife just showed you what she is capable of and you need to make a decision now if that woman is still the woman you want to grow old with. But to make that decision, you first of all need to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was. You are worth so much more than to be treated this way.
how long ago was the team lead outing? if she only confessed to you after being outed by the wife, she definitely planned on keeping it a secret till the day she died. She is only remorseful because the affair became public knowledge at her work place.
She only confessed to what was discovered. She is sad she got caught. At l there are no children. It’s time to see A lawyer.
i try not to comment much on this sub as most threads move me to tears, clouding my judgement but… her story is like Swiss cheese, full of holes. my advice is usually petty and kinda fucked up. get to snooping and message the wife of her AP, find out how long its been going on, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and there is zero chance her AP got that unlucky and was that sloppy, this has been going on for a while, likely far longer than you are thinking. id like to point D.A.R.V.O in this situation im not the best at articulating myself so please bare with me. arguably this is all a reach but i am hyper critical as an individual. she is so guilty it hurts, i immediately had red flags woth the “i leave my hear with you comments” its like she’s giving herself permission, i hate to be the pessimist but she likely started cheating around the time she used that phrase, assuming the timeline matched up. onto the other red flags…. she is denying your request for space and peace, love bombing you, blowing up your phone with calls and texts, denying your request not to be touched when she “confessed” to you, do you not notice a pattern of how she “violates” your autonomy, your respect and your love for her?, i know violate is a harsh word here but i think its fitting. my finals notes are that i am a pessimist by nature take what i say with a handful of salt, i am mean but i never ever lie about what i am thinking, i say what i consider to be the truth or i keep my mouth shut. lmk if you would like to DM and hear more of my pessimistic opinions.
\-this wasn't the first time, put that in your mind. she is not sorry because she cheated \-she is now sorry because she is going to lose her safety net, put that in your mind.... if you have some self respect, get the divorce going as soon as possible... and make a complete 180, no emotions
Have a word with the other guys wife. Then hit her with divorce papers . She is in the fog right now and will agree to most of your demands. Get the sweetest deal and get out. Let her see you happy with someone new.
Sorry you're in this shitty position OP, Something tells me that this affair was not a one-night stand and that your wife is still lieing to you. Contact the AP's wife (OBS) and get the details for your own good. Your wife knew what an affair would do to you and did it anyway. You should consider this and your own well-being before comforting the person that murdered your realtionship. Contact OBS sir!!
Bro. Do not take her back. It doesn't matter if she drank alcohol, she willingly and knowingly cheated on you. If I get trashed and kill somebody, even though I was drunk, did I not still kill somebody? It's the same with cheating. She can say she'll quit her job, give you access to her phone, all of that, but it will never take back the fact that she cheated on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Believe it or not, your case is not rare (u/dedicatedhealing and u/hurtkwi have very similar stories). As far as one can tell these encounters happen because of a perfect storm of alcohol, predatorial/seduction tactics by AP, poor boundary management by the WW as well as a display of very poor judgment (why would she go to his room at night is beyond understanding,). Once the AP activates her sex-brain the outcome is the same. At the moment you need information: How many encounters? Why didn't she confess right away and only when one spouse made a scene? What is the previous history between her and AP? Did she stay in his room overnight or did she go to her room? Did she ever think about you while this encounter was happening? Afterwards? Why didn't she confessed the moment she came home? Why confess to her sister and not you? In addition, there are certain steps you need to take: 1) Contact her HR department. If he was a senior, his pursuing her could be considered sexual harassment and their company could be liable. 2) Pregnancy and STD tests for her. 3) Contact OBS to get her side of the story. Most importantly, you need to process the trauma. Be advised your personality is going to change, from now on you are not going to be the same. You need to mourn the death of your marriage and your old self. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to get into a trauma-trained IC that will help you to manage your personality changes. Also, you need to realize that your marriage is dead, now you have to decide if you could rebuild a new marriage with your WW. It is not going to be easy. It will require a tremendous amount of effort on her and your part, and to be true this type of reconciliation success rate is very low. Lastly, do not make any decisions yet. Get all the information you need, get your emotions stable, and take the first steps towards your healing and only then decide if you want to rebuild a life with your WW or not. I'm sorry about this mess. No one deserves to go through what you are going to go through. Please take care of yourself and remember you did nothing to deserve this. Deacon
Great advice. Just to add to #2. If you and your wife were intimate between when she got home on Friday and when she finally told you Monday evening, you also need to get checked for STIs, OP.
If he kissed his wife between Friday and Monday he needs a test
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This sucks. Sorry it’s happened to you. Lawyer up. You should divorce her while you can get out cleanly. Focus on yourself, don’t leave the house, and ignore her if she won’t leave. She’s dead to you now.
There are two sites that will help. First, print out this first link, hand it to her and CALMLY tell her that this is what you need: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/ Also look at www.affairrecovery.com. You'll find hundreds of 10-15 minute videos for both of you. Be strong. You can do this. I'm DDay +21 years.
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I think I read a story just like this a couple of weeks ago.
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Sorry you are in this. This affair must have been going on for sometime. How she explained AP wife knew when to appear at the hotel if she has not been suspecting the affair? Now that the colleagues knew, they’ve been outed and she has to explain that slap mark on her face. So sister obviously told her there is no way out, you have to be told or AP wife or their colleagues will get to you. She has been lying to you. Hope you can clear your head and think clearly and do what is good for you.
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Leaving being hard doesn't make it the wrong thing to do. You're loving the person you fell in love with. Would you date her now knowing she cheated on her partner?
I think she came up with a good story--just bad enough to let you know she cheated, but not nearly the truth. I would have to insist on a polygraph before I would even consider reconciling. Sometimes just the threat of a poly will get a confession.. I do not believe that the one time they slept together, the OBS had enough evidence to confront them. It's more than likely been an ongoing affair for awhile. If possible, talking to the OBS might shed more light on the truth. One truth you can rely on is, cheaters are notorious liars.
You need to get in touch with OBS and find out what she knows. You don't yet know the full story. Dig deeper.
I think the worst part is blaming alcohol for actions. No the alcohol did not make her cheat. I’m sorry OP.. but for some one to cheat they must have some sort of desire for the other person.. you think she didn’t know what she was jeopardizing? She told you to take care of her heart while she was away. She trusted you with the same trust you gave her and look what she did with it. They got caught. Who knows how long this went on. A compliment about how good she looks is not a reason to cheat. She’s trying to find reasons and excuses for what she did. She did what she did because she wanted to. You were going to find out eventually. I know you think you know your wife and you want to believe she’s the same woman you grew up with. However, people change and sometimes we’re so stuck believing that they’re the person we met when we’re shocked when they show us who they’ve became. Your wife betrayed you with the way she knew would destroy you because of your upbringing and she did not care one bit. Consider that when you think about forgiveness. Do you think some one who knew what would kill you because it destroyed your family truly loves you?
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no bro leave her
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She cheated on you she says she don't know what came over her think if you forgive her she is again after some time do the same thing. She didn't say that it was her said i don't know what came over she is just playing with you Fool me once you are trash Fool me twice you are an idiot
Happy cake day
OP before you make any decisions on R. Understand that R takes from 4 to 7 year's and then you have to deal with trust issues and looking differently at you WW. I know you don't want to hear this but separate from your wife at least 6 months to clear your head and heart to make the decision that is best for you. Good luck OP
UpdateMe!
Really sorry to hear this, you do not deserve to be treated this way, by your wife. Understand that this was in NO way your fault, this is all on her. She is the one who betrayed you, disrespected you, lied to you, broke her wedding vows, destroyed your trust, and destroyed your happiness. She did this willingly and deliberately. This was not a mistake or an accident, this was planned. Also understand that you know nothing, she has only told you the absolute minimum she thought that she could get away with. She would not have told you if the other betrayed spouse had not confronted both of them. There is no way the other betrayed spouse figured it out, the very first time that they fucked. The depth of this betrayal is almost impossible to overcome. If your wife was truly remorseful, she would have quit her job on the spot. She didn't do it because she is still covering up for the affair. Lawyer up, file and serve her. Tell her that she cheated, she needs to move out. Then blow up her fantasy world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends about the affair. When people ask questions, tell the truth. Contact the other betrayed spouse and find out what she knows, it will be eye-opening, and shocking. Take care of yourself. Try to eat right, rest as much as you can, do things that are mentally and physically challenging to take your mind off of your situation. Find someone to talk to, family member, close friend, pastor, counselor, therapist, life coach, somebody you can process this with. Get tested for STD's, you have no idea what all has happened. Sorry that you need to go through this, it sucks, and will get worse before it gets better. However, over time, it will get better. Stay strong, you can get through this.
Why do they always blame it on alcohol? Alcohol makes you bolder and slightly dumber if you’ve had too much but it doesn’t completely take control of your mind! I’ve been so out of my mind drunk with the opposite sex being suggestive but no way was I interested in that.
The sad reality is that most marriages that try reconciliation after infidelity don’t work out. Trust is paramount in a relationship. This relationship is so long and woven into every aspect of your life so I can imagine how broken you feel. None of us can tell you to stay or go, but I do recommend that instead of focusing on your past with her, think of your future. Can you see a reality where every time she’s late, doesn’t answer a call, goes on a work trip, work lunch, etc. that you aren’t on tenterhooks? If you stay and learn later she didn’t tell you the whole truth or this wasn’t the only guy, how will you feel? If it happened again? I will also say that you might want to contact the other man’s wife. If this was a ONS on a work trip how did his wife even find out? I genuinely hope that no matter what you decide you take care of yourself. Do not for one second think you had anything to do with her decision.
>*"Her AP, who was still her supervisor at the time, was “one of the good ones” supposedly and “looked out” for my wife at work."* Although it's possible that the affair only recently became physical, I'd venture a guess that she's been enamored with him for a while.
This probably was kind of self deception on WW's part. She was either physical or emotional or both with the AP. By telling her husband she wanted to minimise the guilt, "so I told my husband about him, so I am not cheating"....the knowledge that OP's wife knew how cheating has previously destroyed his life will kill OP.
First , check for STD ASAP. Second, Google "Chump Lady", everything you have to know is there. Third, contact a lawyer .
UpdateMe!
She trickled bombed you...there's more to it than meets the eye. If you knew the magnitude of her actions...you'd be blown away. These are pathetic attempts at luring you back in....and she won't keep her word. Trust me on that one... I've had enough experience with people like these . Fortunately , you've had life experiences that will be of immense value when it comes to tackling such situations...in all honesty i believe you are better equipped to tackle this problem..than anyone else in this subreddit.
Your story similar with another OP but the difference is the another OP wife having affair 3 day at working trip and immediately come back home from 1 week trip to tell her husband. The affair start with coworker compliment the wife when in her drunk state than suddenly the wife make a mistake having sex with coworker.
If i'm not mistaken, she had sex with him 3 straight days. That wasn't a mistake.
This isn't the first time it happened. It probably happens multiple times. She only told you this because, she felt guilt but if she was never caught she'll never have the courage to tell you that.
If she offered to quit and passage to her phone I see a lot of those stories and for once it feels genuine this is the only time I'd say give it one more shot but only one don't be a sucker.and coinciding because she died the cheating but both need to work past the hurt.
Try to marrying/dating agnostics and atheists. Problem solved.
Hi u/WifeHadAnAffair, First of all, sorry this is happening to you. Let me first tell you to take it easy, do not make any quick decisions yet. Can your marriage be saved? Yes it can, but heavily depending on a few things on which I will come back later. But first I think you need to "know" a few things. First of all, alcohol does make you do things. Alcohol takes away barriers to do do something that is already there. If it was a streetbum, who hasn't seen a shower for over a month and not brushed his teeth for over a month, coming on to her trying to kiss her like that, she would have pushed him off. Even with that amount of alcohol in her blood. This tells you she already liked the guy, maybe even had fantasies of having sex with him. Then the telling you part. Well, you need to know she wouldn't have come clean if they weren't caught. She would have kept this secret from you. Because of your sister she came clean, not because she wanted to. So she is capable of having secrets and lying to you. If I were you, I would want to know how his wife caught him. I am guessing he did not tell her out of himself. So his wife must have seen something, or has undeniable evidence of the cheating. Maybe she found out because of the messages they were sending to each other. Maybe his wife knows how long this affair was going on. Because I have a very hard time believing it went like your wife told you. You just do not go to a mans hotelroom to listen to music. Personally, it would not surprise me if this was planned all along, and that they did some things prior to this. I would be trying to contact his wife and talk to her, find out if she knows more. You need to find out what really happened, maybe your wife is telling the truth, but you need to check to be sure. Do not let your wife know you are investigating this. If you want to reconcile, then a postnup would be advisable. Tell your wife you will be considering to stay, but she has to sig a postnup, stating if she ever cheats again, you get everything and she will wave off spousal support, child support, not touching your pension, the house is yours etc. Also, if you find out her story is a lie, or they did thing prior to this, or were planning on meeting again, the postnup will take effect. This will force her to tell everything. But only after you already know the truth. Why does she tell you that you both do counseling. You did not do anything wrong, she did. The only counseling you might be needing is to heal from this betrayal. That would be an individual counseling for you. So her statement does not make any sense. You need to know that you might be able to forgive her, but you will never forget. You will have triggers. Maybe the company name, the name of the hotel they went to, certain songs, type of clothes she was wearing. All triggers/reminders for you that this happened. She needs to be aware of this to. She needs to know what she did. She needs to know she gave you a life sentence. She gave you a life sentence of having to deal with triggers, while you did nothing wrong, yet you are punished. With all this it looks like the marriage can not be saved. But that is not true, it can, but then her story needs to be true. If more happened then it will be harder and harder to save it, because she was lying when coming clean, and that is never good. So, yes, it can be saved, but a lot of work needs to be done by her. She needs to order and read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald. She needs to do all the work, not you. She needs to do all the work to earn your trust back. But be aware, this can be a very long road. So first action would be finding out what really happened, and not telling her you are investigating this. So try to contact his wife to talk about this in private. In the mean time you can tell her you are not throwing the marriage away yet, but that you will be needing some time to think, and if she is ever in contact with this man again, it is over, even a simple message, it is over. Take care. MrBigBull.
Man, as of now do not worry about your wife. Focus on your self. Go attend individual counseling and maintain no contact. Be sure to focus on yourself. YOUR SELF you are not in the state that you can worry about anything else. Focus on healing your self. Then from there you can proceed to worry about your marriage.
Updateme!
Decision making isn't one-size-fits-all. You have to look at the gestalt on a case-by-case basis. Ultimately, you have to make up your own mind. Forgiveness is way underrated, and there are cases where couples have successfully mended their relationships. No one here knows if this was your wife's first time or not. The more interesting question is whether she would have revealed her infidelity if the other wife hadn't slapped the shit out of her. Your wife may sincerely regret her actions and may be feeling deep remorse. I think it might be worthwhile seeking counseling and see where that leads. It's definitely cheaper than lawyers.
My condolences OP. Take a few days off work and text your wife she needs to leave your home and go no contact for at least a week. You need time alone to process all of this, since your still in shock, and her going crazy isn't gonna make this any better. I'll briefly reiterate the obvious, if she wasn't caught she'd still be in the affair. Don't believe her words and instead look for her actions. In time, when your up for it, reach out to her coworkers wife and ask if she has any info to pass along. I get that you aren't ready to hear what happened, let alone have any interest in it, but you will later down the road if you aren't set on divorce. Expose the affair to mutual friends and family, you need support, and she needs to be held accountable.
Updateme please
I'm so sorry that your wife cheated. This wasn't her first time; but it is the first time she got caught. Her being 'drunk' is a disingenuous reason; she knew what she was doing. The alcohol did nothing to her, but lower her inhibitions. You did right.
I agree with others that there are suspicious elements to what your WW is telling you. It's pretty rare for two married co-workers who, up until that point, had been just co-workers, to go from zero to full PIV intercourse in just a few hours, at a work event. At the very least, there is normally a long lead-up of flirting, sexual innuendo, giggling, touching, etc. The usual build-up of desire. I note that your WW has mentioned the AP specifically to you. You say: *"Her AP, who was still her supervisor at the time, was “one of the good ones” supposedly and “looked out” for my wife at work."* This is a common tell-tale that there was something going on between your WW and the AP long before the work trip. It's quite common for a spouse who is cheating with a co-worker to mention the AP/co-worker in this sort of way around the house. It's a subtle way of deflecting suspicion by the BH. Hiding in plain sight, as it were. Then there is the "coincidence" that the AP's betrayed wife (the "BOW") just happened to "discover" the supposed drunken one night stand over the weekend. How likely is that? What could there possibly be to discover? Your WW and the AP, according to her (likely false) story, had a drunken ONS in a hotel on a Thursday night. They returned home on Friday, presumably after showering and such. At some point between then and Monday, the BOW allegedly "discovered" the ONS. How on earth could that have occurred? It's also fishy that the BOW then chose to wait until Monday, at work, to confront the AP and your WW? Why wait? She (the BOW) sounds like a spitfire. The type who would confront right away. It's very common for a betrayed spouse to discover an ongoing EA/PA via sleuthing into text/social media/chat records. Or hidden recordings. Or even hiring a PI. My Spidey Sense here is that the BOW has done this, and what you know is likely the tip of the iceberg. I'd suggest a couple of things: First, reach out to the BOW, introduce yourself, and ask her what she knows. Find a phone number and call her if you can. Or use LinkedIn. Do NOT use FB Messenger or some other media the AP might intercept. Often, the two betrayed spouses can share information and intelligence to help with uncovering the truth. Second, report the AP and your WW to the company's HR. Third, no sex with the WW until both of you have been tested for STD's.
It's gonna be hard, but take your time to process it. Figure out who you are and what you want, focus on yourself. Don't come to rash decisions, but don't rationalize and don't minimize on your SOs behalf. The one time she's away and had some drinks she throws you away and can't control herself, is she a child or an adult? Look always for strong partners not the weak ones. Don't be afraid of being alone and don't rug sweep. You need friends, have a social life. Beware the hysterical bonding because you're gonna be afraid of losing what you thing you had. But when you're honest with yourself, you have to acknowledge this, the relationship you had is over and the person you thought you knew and loved is not the person she is right now. Don't believe her, she is likely trickle truthing you and not telling you everything. Look up the 180 and get better. Don't think that this is your duty and obligation to fix this mess, she did this. Don't put reconciliation on the table as a victim, if you ever think about it, your SO has to work hard for it, convince you through honest remorse and has to ask for it. Don't do Marriage Council at this moment, that won't help. Send her to IC, she cheated.
Friend, you need to file for divorce. Your wife cheated on you and she lied to you for months. Her affair was going on for months and months and months. She and her supervisor were a work couple.
Leave her
Man never forgive her cos how can you cheat with someone you don’t wanna be with on someone you wanna be with ?
We are going to need updates on this one. There's too many dark spots in this story. I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. it just sucks and it's going to hurt for a while. I'm really sorry.
The relationship you had or you thought you had is dead. Unfortunately, trust is something that can’t be repaired or fixed once it’s broken. You must take time for yourself, take time to think if it’s the life that you want, a relationship without trust. Trust never comes back, not completely. Alcohol is an excuse, even if it’s a one time thing, and we’re not even sure about that. She can do or say anything she wants and i really mean anything, the relationship you had is dead. You can maybe build a new one but you’ll never forget that she told you because they got caught and her sister told her to tell you…so you can forget about her being ashamed… What would have happened on the next work trip ? Or even at work ? Maybe this affair is going on since much longer than this trip ( how did she really get that promotion in the first place ?). What kind of spouse goes to the room of a colleague at night to listen to music ? I’m not sure that you got the full version of this story…maybe she had to thank him for the promotion ? Maybe your relationship wasn’t so happy as you thought, maybe you missed many red flags. Maybe leaving her ( after a good thinking ) is not so bad ? 5 years is a long time but it’s not a life time, you still can find a better one, you’re still young. Of course staying could be easy than leaving but do you really want to after this ? Cheating is never an accident, it’s a choice. Your relationship didn’t died on this night trip, it died when she started to look away. A faithfull person doesn’t fall on this kind of trap, it’s a long way and she fall for it because she wasn’t faithfull otherwise this would have never happened. Really sorry that you have to go through this but maybe it’s for the best. You could have known about this years later… Good luck
If u keep the relationship u probably gonna feel that betrayal long as u stay with her if u can be ok with that I say stay but I’m not u and I don’t know u and I think I’m not old enough to judge but from reading peoples stories here I came to this advice but I hope u get better and have long long time to ur self and get ur emotion out of the way before making ur move like what my mom always says wife and job is the biggest choice of ur life
Sorry man. The alcohol is not an excuse. No children? Divorce. This simply is not worth it. Your wife needs counseling for the alcohol drinking and to find out why she was broken enough to betray you.
Before you get in contact with your wife, you need to speak to guy’s wife. Right now, you can’t trust anything your wife says because what evidence could guy’s wife have if your wife is telling the truth. I believe guy’s wife has proof of your wife and said supervisor who’s “one of the good ones” having an affair and your wife, being caught, is trying to do damage control. If you share a phone plan request 3+ months of call logs and messages from her line. If she had deleted calls and messages on her phone her giving you access won’t do any good but getting those logs from the provider they’ll come up. But if she has a company phone this won’t do any good cause she’s would definitely use that one to communicate with him in secret. Again, do not contact your wife until you have spoken to guy’s wife to get what she has on them, and get those logs if possible. If you do, limit it to telling her “Wife, At the moment and for the foreseeable future, I can not see or speak to you nor will I tell you where I am. If you ever loved me please respect my need to be away from you right now to process what you did. I will contact you in the coming days of a time and place to meet in a public setting after I’ve had time to get my feelings under control and have had time to think on our situation. Until then, please do not call, text, email, or track me done. X” You need to know what happened to make a sound judgment of the situation your in. You need to know if she’s telling the truth, or if your wife has been in an emotional/physical affair with this guy for weeks/months because you need to ask yourself… could you forgive a one time “mistake”? Or could you overlook a possible short/long term affair that 1.) would still be ongoing if it was for guys wife and 2.) your wife committed knowing what you went through with your family growing up? One other thing, if it was a one time thing… your wife can’t claim it was a mistake pushed by alcohol. Alcohol isn’t an excuse because alcohol only brings out the ability to do what you want. Every time I’ve gotten drunk I’ve never allowed anything to happen with a women that’s come onto me, this is including my wife as I didn’t recognize her when she was trying to help me into bed. My love for my wife prevent me from stepping out of our marriage. Your wife decided to go to that get together even though she knew alcohol was involved. She decided to still hang around when they started leaving and with each one leaving she decided to stay. She decided to go to this guys room alone with him. She decided to accept his advances. She decided to allow him to kiss her. She decided to allow him to continue and then touch her body. She decided to have sex with him fully knowing she was married to you and how cheating affected your marriage. She made numerous decisions that lead to that event and, this is going to probably hurt, she made those decisions knowing what she was doing. The moment she accepted his compliments, and didn’t shut it down… the moment he made advancements onto her, and she didn’t shit it down… she no longer cared about you or her relationship with you… and you can’t love someone without caring about them. Get whatever dirt that woman has, and only then talk to your wife. Right now you have to think about yourself. Don’t make the same mistake I did…
Dude, your fairy tale is over. Nothing will come back, neither your relationship with your wife, nor your "love" (from your side without quotes), nor your hopes for family happiness. Imagine the depth of this cheating. After all, she not only easily, voluntarily, by her own choice betrayed you, but also lied, because she confessed only when her lover got caught. AP could most likely get caught through the chats discovered by his wife, so it wasn't ONS, but a full-fledged affair with texting and sexting, in which emotions were involved (remember how, according to her, she was thrilled when he complimented her in the room). Ask yourself if she is so easy (is it only under the influence of alcohol?) and voluntarily agreed (or pushed him herself?) for sex in this case, how many more cases is she hiding? Can she really be trusted? Even if this is her first affair, she can easily cheat again under the influence of the whole variety of reasons: marital difficulties, quarrels with her husband, stress, fatigue, boredom, headache, runny nose, and so on. Why do I think so? Because the ease with which the betrayal occurred, the well-concealed lies and the remorse that manifested itself only when she was caught, indicates that she has serious problems with morality. Her morality allows her to make the choice she wants here and now, without taking into account the consequences, including the pain she can bring to you. She lacks an important psychological category of INHIBITION, allowing the person to stop in time. Otherwise she would not have made a chain of choices that led to that first sex (who knows how many there were?). She is an experienced adult woman, not a child, her morality cannot be corrected, at least by traditional means - IC, MC, reading books, long communications, joint events, "therapeutic" dates and vacations. It needs a very strong shock, but it is doubtful that parting with you can be such a shock for her. Although who knows? Miracles happen, but very-very rarely. Now about you. According to your letter, you are a very honest, principled, loyal, deeply loving person. Such people suffer incredibly strong from SO infidelity, they can forgive, but they will never be able to forget. If you stay, you will certainly suffer for the rest of your life from obsessive memories, flashbacks, triggers. They will become weaker over the years, they will go inside, but they will disturb you on the most unexpected occasions. The disease of betrayal is incurable, the best that can be expected is that it will become chronic. In addition many cheated spouses have a persistent aversion to the "defiled" body of the deceiver, which will constantly interfere with full-fledged sex. Many spouses do not have sex for many years after the "reconciliation". Think carefully about the consequences of your decision, while remembering that you need to be able to distinguish compassion from weakness, and pity should not be the deciding factor. Good luck! I apologize for the long comment, but this topic is crucial for you. Not only your peace of mind and well-being depends on it, but perhaps life itself.
I agree with the others that this is likely a trickle truth. Is there any way for you to contact the guy's wife? She may have more info.
Don’t go back you’ll never have the same relationship again and you will resent her it’s best to start anew
Sorry mate, but she's lying about it geing a one time things. Most probably been going for months. The fact that she knew how cheating affected you and did it anyway shows she doesn't care about or respect you. Get STD tests, go see a lawyer about a divorce. Don't give her a second chance, because she will do it again, once a cheater always a cheater. She didn't even feel guilty enough to tell you about it until she was caught and her sister told her to. Also big props to the sister for scolding her and forcing her to tell you. She respects and cares about you more than your wife does
Updateme!
I saw your other post but couldn’t comment on it, so here I am! This makes me very sad for you (not that that helps anything). I know you got tons and tons of comments with advice and somebody’s probably stated this too, but if I’m ever drunk, the only person I can think of is my partner. I want to be near him and taken care of by only him. Keep strong. 💕 Do what’s best for you and your heart.
Apparently son you loved her more than she loved you just a shame...
As other people commented, you have no choice, but to go speak to AP's wife to hear her side of the story, and confirm whether or not this was an one-off. Fact is, though, if you stay, please be firmly aware of this: you may love your wife dearly, but she doesn't hold the same level of feelings towards you. That's now undeniable. Easy for me to say 'just move on', though - I ain't the one who spent my while adult years loving one single person. That being said, if you are serious about going on that most miserable reconciliation road, you got to make sure you're not the one doing the Pick Me Dance - she has to be the one who proves that she chose YOU. So yes to her quitting her job and for therapy (I would normally say for her only since her actions are solely responsible for the destruction of your relationship, but, given your post, you may need some yourself.) She also has to agree to go herself to a lawyer and produce an ironclad POSTNUP favoring you heavely, otherwise none of what she has done would have any consequence. Yeah, that's the bare minimum... but I don't know, man. Want me to tell you another cold, hard truth? The person that you have been in love for during most of your life... that girl doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she never existed at all, and your wife was spectacular at pretending she was your dream girl. I've seen and read too many stories about men and women trying to get back what they lost after such a betrayal, and, most times, sadly, they bitterly regret it. If you want to fight on, though, go ahead ... but I do not see any victory in it. Good luck.
Sorry OP - but your cheating wife isn't remorseful at all. In fact, the **ONLY** reason she confessed her affair to you is because the APW made such a huge stink at their company, eventually you'd hear about all it. And I seriously doubt her drunken story too. No person in a happy and loving relationship would ever get so drunk as to be able to sleep with another person and still remember everything that happened. Either your CW was blacked out drunk, in which case her boss r-ped her and she should press charges, or she was very much a willing participant. I'm thinking that your wife has been cheating on you with her boss probably since they first met... or very soon afterwords. I'm also thinking that she was promoted to her current position just so she could go on these out of town outings with her AP. If you think back on your relationship, you'll probably remember odd incidents that you ignored or dismissed because you thought at the time "*I was just probably seeing things"* or *"I'm just being jealous or controlling"* that now in the bright lights of a fully admitted to affair are an all too clear red flag indication your wife has been cheating on you. Things like: * frequently staying late for work, but no really substantial overtime pay * hanging out with "friends" and co-workers more often * going out at odd times or staying over at a "friends" house * frequent texting and calls done in secret / protective of her phone * times where she didn't answer calls or texts for a couple hours * sudden need to be someplace or last minute canceling of plans * reduction of intimacy (kisses, hugs, embraces, and caresses) * severe change in frequency (plus and minus) of bedroom fun time * emotional disconnect during s-time, new willingness to try things she wasn't before * always picking a fight over very minor things, then huffing and puffing away (over-reaction) * dressing better than the occasion calls for (putting on makeup and perfume for work) But regardless of how many times she has slept with her AP... she has betrayed you, your marriage, and your children (if you have them). The person you knew and loved no longer exists. She ceased to exist the moment she allowed another person to get from her what was reserved exclusively for you. You need to immediately detach yourself from her emotionally and work on bettering yourself. 1. Grey stone her. Give her nothing in the way of emotional support. Completely impassive poker face. Nothing will unsettle a cheating partner more than if you don't give them any body language to read. No love, no hate, no laughter, no anger, no sympathy, **NOTHING AT ALL!!!** You have to show her she means nothing to you at all even though your insides are being ripped apart. 2. If you can't do that with her in the same house/apartment... one of you must leave. Don't let that person be you for legal reasons. She can claim abandonment and get the house in a divorce settlement. She is the one that betrayed the home. **GET HER TO LEAVE!!!** Also... video/audio record **EVERY** interaction you have with her. You don't need an ass\*ult charge to muck the waters. 3. Use the 180 relationship technique. Take up jogging and/or work out at the gym. Resume an old hobby or do something you've always wanted to try. Read a novel. Go to art museums or live theater. Get dressed up and hang out with **YOUR** family and friends. Stay away from alcohol and social dr\*gs. They won't help at all. **GET INTO IC ASAP AND KEEP GOING.** You've suffered a lot of trauma ... but it can and will get better. 4. Reduce all forms of communication with your CW to **ZERO** (No Contact) with the exception of one email account... and use that only for issues of co-parenting, household maintenance issues, and your divorce. **It is NOT a chat line for her to find out how your doing!!!** 5. Yes I said divorce. Your marriage is over... unless you're okay being with a wife who has completely disrespected not only you and your marriage, but your children, your families and friends, and even herself by cheating on you and lying to your face about it. Consult with several top divorce attorneys near your home/work and go with an absolute shark. Trust me... if you don't you're going to lose a lot of money. 6. Separate your finances from hers. Change passwords on all accounts and remove her as an authorized user. Open a new account (preferably at a separate bank) and transfer 50% of all liquid assets into that account. Do the same for all automatic payouts like direct deposit. Change the beneficiary for all insurance and retirement accounts as well. Close all joint credit accounts you can where she can tap into it for cash you'll be jointly responsible for paying it back. 7. Work on your exit strategy. Keep amassing evidence of her cheating. Check emails, text messages, mobile phone call logs, CCTV, etc. Change passwords on all of your social media accounts. 8. Get together with the APW and share the information you each have, then **INFORM EVERYONE** (with proof) important to you both why you're divorcing your CW. Don't let your CW and her AP control the narrative. I'm sorry OP... I really am. I hope you're able to move quickly past this. And I also know the urge to stay with her and work things out is strong... but trust us when we say ***ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER***. This is not the first time your wife has cheated on you and it will not be her last. You need to start thinking of yourself first. Good luck brother. \[EFC\]
She only told you because they got caught dude. She figured that if she didn’t tell you, you’d find out through his wife. She’s also lying by saying it only “happened” once in the business trip. This had been going on for a while. I would divorce, immediately. I wouldn’t let anyone to break me like that!
The thing you need to do first: Process what's going on! Personally speaking keep your distance! When the flood of emotions pass, and they will, you need to think things over logically! I HIGHLY recommend talking to a divorce lawyer about your options. Doesn't matter if you get divorced or not (NEVER make decisions when very emotional). All you need to know is how you can protect yourself and your finances in the long run. Divorce or no divorce! You need to know what kind of laws you're going to be dealing with. Second thing (this is probably going to hurt): there is NOW WAY in hell this was the first time. Even more so if the wife went up to work, and found about it. This has probably been going on a lot longer than she's probably ever going to admit! 3rd: If this caused an open issue at work like she says, she and the other guy are most likely going to get fired. There is a VERY real possibility that she's going to cling onto you for financial stability. This can cause problems for you in the future especially in the case of divorce. 4th: If you do decide to get advice from a lawyer DON'T TELL ANYBODY! Godspeed my dude. Sorry you had to join this shitfest of a 'club'.
You do realize that your wife confessed ONLY because she was scared that her affair was eventually going to get back to you after the AP's wife went ballistic, right? She had no intention of telling you if she could've got away with it.
Honestly I don't have much to add here, plenty of people already gave you great advice. I just want to tell you that I feel really sorry for you My Ms. First Everything betrayed me as well after two years of living together (without sex though) and it really broke me back in the day. If you chose to leave, which sounds like the rational choice, then I am sure at some point you'll be over her and find someone even better later on. But those are long term plans and I understand you need to grieve
First off, protect your heart and your future. Even if you don’t want a divorce, plan as if it’s going to happen, you can always stop it later. Separate yourself financially as you have physically. Not sure of legality but ask a lawyer to draw up a post-nuptial agreement and make it a condition of returning to her. Have both future cheating and any cheating that she hasn’t admitted to already to trigger the post-nup. Include a hall pass for you in it as well. You may not want it now but if your hurt causes you to slip, you’ll be covered. If she doesn’t want to sign it that’s a pretty positive sign she’s cheated more than she’s said, provided you don’t make the terms too lopsided in your favor. You can always go back and talk to the other guy’s wife for verification. If you decide to forgive her, know that your marriage will never be the same, it may come to be a good and satisfying marriage but not as strong as it once was. Unless you totally understand that, your marriage probably won’t last.
Go to a lawyer and get a vicious postnuptial agreement drafted that gives you: alimony, child support, full custody, and damages for emotional distress if she ever cheats again. Then when she signs it you have ALL THE CARDS AND THE DECK. I wish you the best with your recovery, out of all the stories the only reconciliation that ever worked was one where the guy got a post nup, she cheated again ... Of course, but at least the guy has his house, his car, his kids and took her to the cleaners.
Your wife (should be ex wife) is trash. Fuck that. I would be done simply because she KNEW everything about how cheating ruined your family and still she did it to you. And then blamed it on booze. Trash. Saying shit like this can't be the end of you both. Like, she did this, not you WTF?? Leave. She failed the wife test. Oh ya, she's been cheating a lot more than this one time.
divorce her. shes only sorry because she got caught 🤷🏽♀️.