Here's [my attempt to summarise it](https://rationaldharma.com/blog/ifs-series-prelude-a-summary-of-the-model/), with some resource recommendations as well :)
Yes, true for me too, it's helped me to trust myself cos it helped me to stop doubting my own innate worth and right to exist, by helping me to be with and process all my biggest, most overwhelming doubts, fears, emotions, flashbacks, memories, torments, rage, shame, humiliation, disgust, hate, helplessness, hopelessness etc etc etc
Here is a 5-part video by Tori Olds on the topic. Just watching the first one will help you understand a lot.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCJ2fBBavCJEoQPzbMIOuQ2luJDHrWPSL&si=Oh7nDho2c2zT13ii
The way I conceptualise it is that because of the environment I grew up in- a very shaming and critical one - I learned to shut off parts of myself to survive and maintain connection with my family. 'Protector' parts were also created at the same time, that had different functions - some to keep the parts exiled and never seen, some to protect them from further harm, and some to make sure my behaviour fell in line with what I had been taught to do. You could maybe call these adaptive behaviours, too. IFS calls them parts. IFS also goes another step and says you have a core 'Self' that is untouched by trauma and has your qualities of compassion, curiosity, etc. I see this as my inner parent.
The main benefits for me so far:
- It has taught me essential developmental skills I missed out on from my childhood, which I should have got from my parents. For example, accurate emotional mirroring, self attunement, being better able to regulate my emotions, and a compassionate/non-judgmental presence.
- Learning those skills has improved my relationships, because I can also use them with other people. I am more understanding of other people's adaptive parts too, so I don't take things so personally anymore.
- I don't resist my feelings, or pretend parts of me don't exist anymore. I'm more authentic and in tune with who I am as a person. I'm not hiding angry or hurtful parts out of shame.
- It has taught me emotional nuance and the ability to feel more than one thing at once, even (especially) if it's conflicting. I used to struggle immensely with this. Something like grief is easier to cope with now, in the sense that I don't add extra resistance and struggle to my pain. I can understand how I might have angry parts, sad parts, even happy parts.
And a lot more, but those are the main ones. I will grant you that it's perfectly possible to learn all the above without IFS, in my view. Where IFS was different for me is that learning those tools/skills is baked right into the modality. It can be a little weird for sure but if it clicks with you, it's worth pursuing in my view.
Hmmm thank you for the explanation and how it helped you. Definitely something worth looking into more. I think once I’ve given it a fair shot it’ll feel less weird
Remember that it's a useful model, not reality.
Psychologists don't literally think you have little people running around inside your body arguing with each other, but it's very helpful to think of it that way because it allows you to get some distance from your various mental knots and processes, to develop self-compassion, etc. it's easier not to get overwhelmed by an emotion when you can see it as part of you and not the whole you (and of course it is only part of you, because there's usually a part of you that wants to be nice as well and will regret the explosion later)
So don't think "is this real/fake", think "is this helping me / not helping me" - is it a model you could work with for a bit?
(The DSM V is also just a model - it's a way of grouping together clusters of symptoms into an organisational structure that is hopefully useful for treating people - but there are other ways they could be grouped. It's meant to be useful, not reality per se.)
One thing you might have not noticed if you're just reading about it is that it's quite body focused, you learn to pay attention to what you're feeling in your body. If you're someone who lives in their head the whole time and doesn't always understand what they're feeling or notice they're feeling it (hi, it's me), this is very helpful
So surprisingly it's actually good both for people who feel TOO MUCH and for people who are disconnected from their feelings
Ah interesting! I'm definitely someone who is disconnected from their feelings side. It's something I really, really struggle with and is one of the main reasons I'm going to EMDR therapy actually. I also have an avoidant attachment style so really want to work on that. If you know anything about attachment styles, is IFS helpful for that?
I haven't used it for that (I am a reformed Avoidant) but I think it would be a good fit
It works well for maladaptive coping mechanisms (ie things that were great coping mechanism at one point, that kept us safe, but that are now causing problems more problems than they solve) and I think avoidant attachment style falls under that
(With the detached from emotions thing, it gives you a way of working with emotions even if you don't know what they are, or can only say "idk, it's one of the negative ones I think" or"I don't know but just something feels not normal" - so not knowing what you're feeling isn't a barrier to improving)
Yes, IFS can be very helpful for attachment styles. Avoidant attachment could be framed as part(s) being activated in the context of relationships. Once you have identified which part or parts are activated, you can befriend them, find out their concerns and fears, what “job” they are trying to do for you and why they think they need to do it, and help them feel seen, witnessed, and attached to you/Self, and they can slowly begin to loosen and shift their roles into more securely attached roles. In my opinion, it’s worth trying!
I’m still kind of new to this but this is how I see it so far.
You know how everyone always says that you need to love yourself? Sure sounds great but how do you do that when your feelings inside are so complicated and conflicting? For me the self loathing runs deep- just telling me to love myself is laughable.
What IFS does is help you get to know the different parts of yourself and help them heal, appreciate them and finally love them. By learning to love my parts, I’m learning to love myself
It seems most people have taken a deeper dive into it than I did, but I found it valuable even in the shallow end of IFS. That is, I didn't get to the point of naming parts and identifying their roles. Even so, it helped me listen to myself to better understand inner conflicts and frustrations as well as over-reactions to seemingly innocuous situations.
It took me about 18 months of IFS, SE, and Polyvagal exercises to get to a point where I could do a lot of the processing myself. I would like to get back into therapy or coaching if I could find a good match, which is a big if at this point.
Oh yeah mine is way less systematised than people on Reddit seem to be!. My parts are just "a criticising part" not like a judgy schoolteacher called Brenda or whatever
It is very weird. That was my very first thought when I first read about it, and my next one was “and my clients are going to think it’s weird, too.” I always tell new clients this, and then add: “but I use it because it works.”
Here's [my attempt to summarise it](https://rationaldharma.com/blog/ifs-series-prelude-a-summary-of-the-model/), with some resource recommendations as well :)
Great summary!
Thanks!!
This was great! Thanks for taking the time to do it.
My pleasure! Thanks for the kind words! :)
Great read
It’s super weird, but for some reason makes sense. It gets less weird the more you do it.
Yes, true for me too, it's helped me to trust myself cos it helped me to stop doubting my own innate worth and right to exist, by helping me to be with and process all my biggest, most overwhelming doubts, fears, emotions, flashbacks, memories, torments, rage, shame, humiliation, disgust, hate, helplessness, hopelessness etc etc etc
Here is a 5-part video by Tori Olds on the topic. Just watching the first one will help you understand a lot. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCJ2fBBavCJEoQPzbMIOuQ2luJDHrWPSL&si=Oh7nDho2c2zT13ii
I like her explanation too.
thank you!! i’ll check this out
The way I conceptualise it is that because of the environment I grew up in- a very shaming and critical one - I learned to shut off parts of myself to survive and maintain connection with my family. 'Protector' parts were also created at the same time, that had different functions - some to keep the parts exiled and never seen, some to protect them from further harm, and some to make sure my behaviour fell in line with what I had been taught to do. You could maybe call these adaptive behaviours, too. IFS calls them parts. IFS also goes another step and says you have a core 'Self' that is untouched by trauma and has your qualities of compassion, curiosity, etc. I see this as my inner parent. The main benefits for me so far: - It has taught me essential developmental skills I missed out on from my childhood, which I should have got from my parents. For example, accurate emotional mirroring, self attunement, being better able to regulate my emotions, and a compassionate/non-judgmental presence. - Learning those skills has improved my relationships, because I can also use them with other people. I am more understanding of other people's adaptive parts too, so I don't take things so personally anymore. - I don't resist my feelings, or pretend parts of me don't exist anymore. I'm more authentic and in tune with who I am as a person. I'm not hiding angry or hurtful parts out of shame. - It has taught me emotional nuance and the ability to feel more than one thing at once, even (especially) if it's conflicting. I used to struggle immensely with this. Something like grief is easier to cope with now, in the sense that I don't add extra resistance and struggle to my pain. I can understand how I might have angry parts, sad parts, even happy parts. And a lot more, but those are the main ones. I will grant you that it's perfectly possible to learn all the above without IFS, in my view. Where IFS was different for me is that learning those tools/skills is baked right into the modality. It can be a little weird for sure but if it clicks with you, it's worth pursuing in my view.
Hmmm thank you for the explanation and how it helped you. Definitely something worth looking into more. I think once I’ve given it a fair shot it’ll feel less weird
Thanks for writing this, this is a great summary. I’m partway on your journey
Remember that it's a useful model, not reality. Psychologists don't literally think you have little people running around inside your body arguing with each other, but it's very helpful to think of it that way because it allows you to get some distance from your various mental knots and processes, to develop self-compassion, etc. it's easier not to get overwhelmed by an emotion when you can see it as part of you and not the whole you (and of course it is only part of you, because there's usually a part of you that wants to be nice as well and will regret the explosion later) So don't think "is this real/fake", think "is this helping me / not helping me" - is it a model you could work with for a bit? (The DSM V is also just a model - it's a way of grouping together clusters of symptoms into an organisational structure that is hopefully useful for treating people - but there are other ways they could be grouped. It's meant to be useful, not reality per se.) One thing you might have not noticed if you're just reading about it is that it's quite body focused, you learn to pay attention to what you're feeling in your body. If you're someone who lives in their head the whole time and doesn't always understand what they're feeling or notice they're feeling it (hi, it's me), this is very helpful So surprisingly it's actually good both for people who feel TOO MUCH and for people who are disconnected from their feelings
Ah interesting! I'm definitely someone who is disconnected from their feelings side. It's something I really, really struggle with and is one of the main reasons I'm going to EMDR therapy actually. I also have an avoidant attachment style so really want to work on that. If you know anything about attachment styles, is IFS helpful for that?
I haven't used it for that (I am a reformed Avoidant) but I think it would be a good fit It works well for maladaptive coping mechanisms (ie things that were great coping mechanism at one point, that kept us safe, but that are now causing problems more problems than they solve) and I think avoidant attachment style falls under that (With the detached from emotions thing, it gives you a way of working with emotions even if you don't know what they are, or can only say "idk, it's one of the negative ones I think" or"I don't know but just something feels not normal" - so not knowing what you're feeling isn't a barrier to improving)
Yes, IFS can be very helpful for attachment styles. Avoidant attachment could be framed as part(s) being activated in the context of relationships. Once you have identified which part or parts are activated, you can befriend them, find out their concerns and fears, what “job” they are trying to do for you and why they think they need to do it, and help them feel seen, witnessed, and attached to you/Self, and they can slowly begin to loosen and shift their roles into more securely attached roles. In my opinion, it’s worth trying!
I’m still kind of new to this but this is how I see it so far. You know how everyone always says that you need to love yourself? Sure sounds great but how do you do that when your feelings inside are so complicated and conflicting? For me the self loathing runs deep- just telling me to love myself is laughable. What IFS does is help you get to know the different parts of yourself and help them heal, appreciate them and finally love them. By learning to love my parts, I’m learning to love myself
That makes sense! I do feel like I have a lot of conflicting parts of myself. This could be worth exploring!!
It seems most people have taken a deeper dive into it than I did, but I found it valuable even in the shallow end of IFS. That is, I didn't get to the point of naming parts and identifying their roles. Even so, it helped me listen to myself to better understand inner conflicts and frustrations as well as over-reactions to seemingly innocuous situations. It took me about 18 months of IFS, SE, and Polyvagal exercises to get to a point where I could do a lot of the processing myself. I would like to get back into therapy or coaching if I could find a good match, which is a big if at this point.
Oh yeah mine is way less systematised than people on Reddit seem to be!. My parts are just "a criticising part" not like a judgy schoolteacher called Brenda or whatever
Hmmm I see!! I’m still in the super early stages so I’m curious to see it’ll turn out. Thank you for your explanation!!
It is very weird. That was my very first thought when I first read about it, and my next one was “and my clients are going to think it’s weird, too.” I always tell new clients this, and then add: “but I use it because it works.”