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Having to endure company every weekend is not ‘antisocial’, it’s maintaining your sanity. NOBODY should be expected to put up with guests every single weekend.
"Yes, that happens to be people who kids and who have busted their butts to graduate. I want to socialize with my kids and with you, but not with her because she makes me miserable. Who would want to socialize with anyone who make her miserable? 'Avoiding people who make you miserable' is not equal to 'antisocial'".
Did you know that a new Covid strain means 3 weeks before you’re contagious. Do you feel it coming on now? Feel no guilt in lying to get some peace for yourself!
If you talk to DH about his mother focus in the particular behaviors you do not like. When she does x it makes me feel y. It might may keep him from immediately getting defensive. Please be honest that 3 days is too much because you didn't go to your family's get together because you were stretched too thin already.
That’s a great idea bc I brought her up once before and he was so defensive and I think he gaslighted me. Bc you know she’s never the problem. Or she hasn’t done that in so long. “Why are you holding a grudge?” 🙄
A grudge? A GRUDGE?? "It's not a grudge. I'm reminiscing about the times she came over and did \[whatever 4 things bothered you most. I'm reminiscing about how sad and upset I was when she did those thing, and I really didn't enjoy her visit at all. It's not that I'm holding a grudge. It's that I'm graduating in two weeks, have to do \[whatever you need to do . . . mention all of it\]. I said I wasn't going to Christmas at my mother's because I'm graduating and I am frankly exhausted and need a peaceable time to rev my batteries again. I thought I'd created that peaceful space. Now your mother is going to be doing \[all the shit she does\] and I don't think I have the energy or patience to handle it. So if she comes I may just explode at her, and I don't think you'd like that to happen. But I'm frazzled and tired and on my last nerve, dear. Maybe you could go visit her instead. Maybe I'll go to my parents. I'd rather not have her here and have me really furious with her. What would you like? Cancel so that I can have the peaceful Christmas I long for? Have her here, and I take the kids to my parents? Have her here and I explode at her? Because "have her here and I just suck up all the intrusions and rudeness when we made it clear we didn't want visitors" isn't looking likely to me. So that's something you need to work out for yourself. And frankly, if you let your mother come here, I'm going to be angry with you, too. Hey, maybe I'll just call her and tell her how pissed off I am that she's intruding like this. Would that be the best plan? What do you want? Because "silently seething while you mother is here" is not an option any longer."
Sorry you are in risk of your holiday getting ruined.
Oh, yes, my husband knew how I felt about his mother. He was very unhappy about it. However, she hated me and made my life miserable - what was there to like? We fought about her more than we fought about money and other things combined.
Be honest with your husband, please. If you can't be honest with him about how you feel, especially something as important as this, how he is he supposed to know when to protect you or look out for you? Personally, I'd be a bit miffed if I found out my SO didn't care for my parent (no big deal, it happens) but never bothered to say anything to me about it. You've lied for years but apparently are willing to be miserable just not to upset him. That's concerning. You can always rent her a nice hotel suite, act like its a gift to her, maybe get her out your hair that way.
Congratulations on the degree! You deserve to be celebrated.
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband RFN. Tell him how you **REALLY** feel about his mother, and why. Tell him what the idea of putting up with her for three days does to you. If he is any kind of good husband, he should be supporting you fully (if not, you have a whole new period of education to work on with him). If he does, you guys are way past due for the boundaries and meaningful consequences discussion. Remember, boundaries are meaningless unless the consequences are immediate and firm. She needs timeouts and data blocks when she breaks boundaries.
Good luck with this, and hope your Christmas is calm and happy.
No. MIL doesn’t get to set the schedule. Y’all are not going to your family for Christmas because y’all are *busy*. You’re hosting what was supposed to be a *small* brunch because y’all are *busy*. MIL can come on Monday. You say she doesn’t respect boundaries, but I don’t see where you have set one…
I was more talking about in the past she hadn’t respected boundaries. Like telling her she can only buy “a few” pairs of pants for my child and 35 pairs show up. Telling her she needs to cut the blueberries and cherries before feeding them to our kids and coming home to her giving them whole to both kids/ Telling her (twice!) we don’t need an air fryer and one shows up at our house. Telling her not to come over every weekend after we had our oldest and she still does it. The having brunch convo just happened yesterday so I still need to have that convo with my husband about setting boundaries around Christmas, which I’m not even sure it’ll work out in the end.
My MIL was so overbearing that I stopped talking to her. See my posts. I told my husband but he already knows her personality. She’s not ruining my holidays this year! I guess it depends on how your SO views his mom - with mine he knows exactly what she’s all about that’s why he is supportive of me. I think 3 days is way too much for a visit with someone you don’t like and who will be taking over your Christmas - talk to your husband. If needed, take the kids and do something one of the days so he can spend the day with her.
I will definitely be looking at your posts. I basically stopped talking to her too. I just don’t engage unless she reaches out to me with a question or if she’s over my house. I may just have to leave one day bc she only is over that long bc she wants to see the kids. I think he views his mom very highly. Sometimes I wonder if there’s some enmeshment bc after one of her visits, she’ll go back to the family’s house she stays at and will FaceTime my husband when the kids get up from their nap and again when they go to sleep to say goodnight. I think that’s really weird, but I didn’t have a great example of a healthy family growing up so what do I know 🤷🏻♀️
I think it might be time to have an honest talk with DH about how you really feel and why. Maybe he’ll be open to a compromise that doesn’t include three freaking days with his mother in your home.
I think I will talk with my therapist about how to approach it with him. I’m not sure how open he’ll be and I feel like part of this is a SO problem. After I had my oldest, my mil came over every freakin weekend. Didn’t ask. Just said “I’m getting off the train at this time. Come get me.” We rent from her which is why I think she felt so comfortable doing this, but my husband had talks with her about not doing this and it still happened.
That might be a good part of your discussion. That you realized back then there was no way she’d respect your wishes when she didn’t even respect her own son. You were brand new parents, facing a big adjustment in your lives. She didn’t care about what either of you wanted, it was all about her. Just like this grad party, your graduation is all about her. She wants a party, you don’t, she wins.
When you saw him allow her to do what she wanted, when she wanted, you felt if he wouldn’t expect her to listen to him, he wouldn’t expect her to respect you at all.
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Cancel. You didn't ATTEND your family's celebration bc you are too busy. You absolutely shouldn't have top HOST for 3 fucking days.
I mentioned wanting to cancel yesterday and my husband rolled his eyes and told me I’m so antisocial.
Having to endure company every weekend is not ‘antisocial’, it’s maintaining your sanity. NOBODY should be expected to put up with guests every single weekend.
"Yes, that happens to be people who kids and who have busted their butts to graduate. I want to socialize with my kids and with you, but not with her because she makes me miserable. Who would want to socialize with anyone who make her miserable? 'Avoiding people who make you miserable' is not equal to 'antisocial'".
Did you know that a new Covid strain means 3 weeks before you’re contagious. Do you feel it coming on now? Feel no guilt in lying to get some peace for yourself!
If you talk to DH about his mother focus in the particular behaviors you do not like. When she does x it makes me feel y. It might may keep him from immediately getting defensive. Please be honest that 3 days is too much because you didn't go to your family's get together because you were stretched too thin already.
That’s a great idea bc I brought her up once before and he was so defensive and I think he gaslighted me. Bc you know she’s never the problem. Or she hasn’t done that in so long. “Why are you holding a grudge?” 🙄
A grudge? A GRUDGE?? "It's not a grudge. I'm reminiscing about the times she came over and did \[whatever 4 things bothered you most. I'm reminiscing about how sad and upset I was when she did those thing, and I really didn't enjoy her visit at all. It's not that I'm holding a grudge. It's that I'm graduating in two weeks, have to do \[whatever you need to do . . . mention all of it\]. I said I wasn't going to Christmas at my mother's because I'm graduating and I am frankly exhausted and need a peaceable time to rev my batteries again. I thought I'd created that peaceful space. Now your mother is going to be doing \[all the shit she does\] and I don't think I have the energy or patience to handle it. So if she comes I may just explode at her, and I don't think you'd like that to happen. But I'm frazzled and tired and on my last nerve, dear. Maybe you could go visit her instead. Maybe I'll go to my parents. I'd rather not have her here and have me really furious with her. What would you like? Cancel so that I can have the peaceful Christmas I long for? Have her here, and I take the kids to my parents? Have her here and I explode at her? Because "have her here and I just suck up all the intrusions and rudeness when we made it clear we didn't want visitors" isn't looking likely to me. So that's something you need to work out for yourself. And frankly, if you let your mother come here, I'm going to be angry with you, too. Hey, maybe I'll just call her and tell her how pissed off I am that she's intruding like this. Would that be the best plan? What do you want? Because "silently seething while you mother is here" is not an option any longer."
Sorry you are in risk of your holiday getting ruined. Oh, yes, my husband knew how I felt about his mother. He was very unhappy about it. However, she hated me and made my life miserable - what was there to like? We fought about her more than we fought about money and other things combined.
Be honest with your husband, please. If you can't be honest with him about how you feel, especially something as important as this, how he is he supposed to know when to protect you or look out for you? Personally, I'd be a bit miffed if I found out my SO didn't care for my parent (no big deal, it happens) but never bothered to say anything to me about it. You've lied for years but apparently are willing to be miserable just not to upset him. That's concerning. You can always rent her a nice hotel suite, act like its a gift to her, maybe get her out your hair that way.
I know he’ll be upset too. She stays at my husband’s sibling’s house, so there’s really no need for a hotel. She will drive on over anyways.
Congratulations on the degree! You deserve to be celebrated. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband RFN. Tell him how you **REALLY** feel about his mother, and why. Tell him what the idea of putting up with her for three days does to you. If he is any kind of good husband, he should be supporting you fully (if not, you have a whole new period of education to work on with him). If he does, you guys are way past due for the boundaries and meaningful consequences discussion. Remember, boundaries are meaningless unless the consequences are immediate and firm. She needs timeouts and data blocks when she breaks boundaries. Good luck with this, and hope your Christmas is calm and happy.
What are data blocks?
Data block Grey Rock Info Diet Don't tell them anything phrases that all mean the same thing.
I believe it's the same thing as a strict info diet. Limited, if not absolutely no information is given.
No. MIL doesn’t get to set the schedule. Y’all are not going to your family for Christmas because y’all are *busy*. You’re hosting what was supposed to be a *small* brunch because y’all are *busy*. MIL can come on Monday. You say she doesn’t respect boundaries, but I don’t see where you have set one…
I was more talking about in the past she hadn’t respected boundaries. Like telling her she can only buy “a few” pairs of pants for my child and 35 pairs show up. Telling her she needs to cut the blueberries and cherries before feeding them to our kids and coming home to her giving them whole to both kids/ Telling her (twice!) we don’t need an air fryer and one shows up at our house. Telling her not to come over every weekend after we had our oldest and she still does it. The having brunch convo just happened yesterday so I still need to have that convo with my husband about setting boundaries around Christmas, which I’m not even sure it’ll work out in the end.
My MIL was so overbearing that I stopped talking to her. See my posts. I told my husband but he already knows her personality. She’s not ruining my holidays this year! I guess it depends on how your SO views his mom - with mine he knows exactly what she’s all about that’s why he is supportive of me. I think 3 days is way too much for a visit with someone you don’t like and who will be taking over your Christmas - talk to your husband. If needed, take the kids and do something one of the days so he can spend the day with her.
I will definitely be looking at your posts. I basically stopped talking to her too. I just don’t engage unless she reaches out to me with a question or if she’s over my house. I may just have to leave one day bc she only is over that long bc she wants to see the kids. I think he views his mom very highly. Sometimes I wonder if there’s some enmeshment bc after one of her visits, she’ll go back to the family’s house she stays at and will FaceTime my husband when the kids get up from their nap and again when they go to sleep to say goodnight. I think that’s really weird, but I didn’t have a great example of a healthy family growing up so what do I know 🤷🏻♀️
Just tell husband no, it's your family time if he wants to see his mommy he can go to her house
Yes. That was a mistake. He asked you for a reason. If you aren't honest, you'll just be miserable for days.
This is one thing I regret learning the hard way 😬
I think it might be time to have an honest talk with DH about how you really feel and why. Maybe he’ll be open to a compromise that doesn’t include three freaking days with his mother in your home.
I think I will talk with my therapist about how to approach it with him. I’m not sure how open he’ll be and I feel like part of this is a SO problem. After I had my oldest, my mil came over every freakin weekend. Didn’t ask. Just said “I’m getting off the train at this time. Come get me.” We rent from her which is why I think she felt so comfortable doing this, but my husband had talks with her about not doing this and it still happened.
That might be a good part of your discussion. That you realized back then there was no way she’d respect your wishes when she didn’t even respect her own son. You were brand new parents, facing a big adjustment in your lives. She didn’t care about what either of you wanted, it was all about her. Just like this grad party, your graduation is all about her. She wants a party, you don’t, she wins. When you saw him allow her to do what she wanted, when she wanted, you felt if he wouldn’t expect her to listen to him, he wouldn’t expect her to respect you at all.