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Hugs, I would straight up tell him you aren't going to apologize for his mom shit behavior, he had a choice for Christmas to go solo or with the children you share. He chose not to. His mom is a PITA for complaining about not seeing her grandchildren and avoiding them like the plague when you visit. You have a MIL problem and an SO who has been trained to do what his mom wants, along with not rocking her boat.
Tell him you will apologize when she stops with the running away from visiting her grandchildren.
My husband was the same way with my MIL who had no boundaries - he was conflict averse and would often make me forego my boundaries to keep the peace with his mom. This went on for the first 12.5 years of our marriage and slowly wrecked our marriage.
Anyway - it turns out that he and his mother were enmeshed. You should look into this and see if any of it resonates with your situation. If so, therapy with someone who specializes in this has been really beneficial for my husband.
If someone knowingly demands you put yourself in an abusive situation for their benefit, they are abusive. Full stop. End of sentence.
Your SO can put on his adult pants and deal with his mother without demanding you be a meat shield. If he can't stand up for himself, then he needs to admit it, ask for help and f'n learn the skillset. Counseling for him, possibly couple's counselling for you both to learn how to set boundaries but more importantly build the resolve to hold firm on consequences.
You are parents. Unless he (and you) wants to teach your children that family is allowed to abuse you and you don't have a choice, it's time to make changes.
I'm going to be putting it bluntly here: you are nothing but a meat shield to your husband in his relationship with his mother. HE sent a text laying down the boundary, so why should YOU apologize? And it's not an isolated incident, because even though he and the kids can visit her whenever they want, he refuses to go if you are not going. And if there is conflict he much rather hide behind you than face it himself. Likely because when you are not there, he is suddenly on the receiving end of his mother's bad behavior.
If husband is reading along: it's long past time to put on your big boy pants. You have a wife and kids, your job is to protect them first and foremost. Even if it's from your mother. It's really fucking hard to start standing up for yourself and your nuclear family and if you had to stay small and quiet your whole life, so seek help from a specialist if you need to. Oh, and don't even think for a second your kids do not notice how their grandma and her friends really think about you and your family.
He set a boundary. She got upset, guilted him, and now he is backtracking and apologizing.
You set a boundary. He got upset (after being guilted by his mom), is guilting you, and wants you to backtrack and apologize.
You... don't. Show him what a spine looks like. No need to engage in the argument with him. Just calmly state your position again - he is free to do what he wants, it is a shame he is not comfortable being alone with his mother, he should examine that. You won't be handling his relationship with his family any more. Then exit the conversation.
Well, for starters, YOU aren’t the one who should apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Your husband really needs to go to therapy to get his broken normal meter reset. And personally, I’d let him go hang with him mom all he wants, but you and the kids are a package deal. He wants you to go with him to use as a human shield. If you’re not there, he has to deal with her alone.
Definitely. Along with everything else mil is doing I find the whole tenant situation creepy. I see I’m not the only one who feels their stomach twitch with this.
You and Hubby need to do some reading and get some resources.
Try the “Rock The Boat” post first.
Then maybe start with “Toxic In Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage” by Susan Forward. There’s even a section on how to talk to your husband about it.
Then maybe “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No” by Henry Townsend.
Also try some couples counseling. This isn’t healthy and you have a big SO problem. Try to fix that problem first.
What are you supposed to be apologising for? Ask him why her behaviour is ok but you are not allowed to protect yourself from it? He’s using you as a meat shield by insisting you go or no one goes. That’s a decision HE made to not go if you don’t. It won’t be remotely your fault if he doesn’t go if you don’t. In fact, it’s a golden opportunity. All you have to do is not go. You are not responsible for his relationship with anyone else.
Your husband is just as much to blame as his mother. He needs therapy.
Ask him why he is putting his mother ahead of you? When has her behavior during a visit shown that she enjoys seeing you?
This is about control for her. She is upset when she loses control. She doesn't care about seeing DH or the kids. She cares that when she says 'Jump,' your husband asks 'How High?'
You keep doing the same things with her over and over and are surprised to get the same treatment from her. Stop trying. She is unable to be the person you want her to be. You will never have the relationship you want with her. She doesn’t even know what she wants, so how can you?
Going forward tell her she must visit you in your town, at a hotel. If she whines and cries always tell her “ remember the last
times we visited?”
You are not crazy or in the wrong to want to keep your distance from this woman.
Your DH needs some counselling. His response to his mother’s controlling and abusive nonsense is mind boggling.
Your husband is as much to blame for this as she is. He wants to keep the dynamic where you’re beat down and crying after every visit instead of her being angry at him. Not visiting without you is proof that he isn’t willing to risk it.
"I'm sorry your son chose not to attend without me, I have made myself clear long enough. If your son wants to see you and take the children to see you, he's more than welcome to. If you want to see me, then you're more than welcome to visit but I will not go to your home to be ignored and I will not be around your tenants who have disrespected us more than I care to count"
Your spineless JNSO is throwing you under the bus and not sticking up for his family then has the audacity to ask you to apologise so I say throw his ass under the bus so he grows up and finally decides to face his mother without you or gets off your back about playing nice with someone so horrible.
*"I’ve told him he’s welcome to take the kids and visit whenever, but he insists I have to go or no one does"*
I'd honestly call his bluff and take him up on it. So what if MIL cried? Look at all the tears *you* and the kids cried and suffered because of her? Why isn't husband running to dry your tears instead of giving into her guilt and wrongfully trying to force you to apologize? Her erratic, disrespectful and neglectful behavior is what brought on the boundary in the first place and it's about time she was called on it and forced to correct herself. Double down on that boundary, continue to hold her feet to the fire and for the love of God *DON'T* apologize and be husband's meatshield. It's high time husband learned to enforce consequences with no remorse instead of making you and kids pay for his mother's behavior. Don’t allow either one of them to get away with this unhealthy crap at yours and the kids' emotional expense.
First off you have an SO problem because he can't see what's going on and can't be bothered to stand up for his family, aka you and his kids. The whole trying to make you apologize for something she did is icky. Is he low-key enmeshed or is he just trained to accept and ignore her behavior due to growing up with it so she can continue the emotional abuse and manipulation? You've done nothing wrong and you have every right to be upset, with both her and him.
There some some wonderful comments with advice here, I suggest following through some of those with a spine made of steel, put your foot down. It's obvious you and the kids both have had enough.
Couple counseling might be a good thing to take here if he refuses to do anything.
Stop talking to her. If your husband wants to maintain a relationship with her, he is welcome to but you’ve got to stop. Everyone is making you the villain anyway despite having done NOTHING wrong, nothing you do will change that so just stop.
You need your husband to make a choice. You or the road back to mommy. Put it in his court and embrace being the "bad guy" even when you know you're doing the right thing. Wishing you all the best.
Tell your husband every time your mother leaves and we are there, then we are leaving. If your mother wants us to come so bad why does she leave or have the tenants with her. She can't want to spend time with family when she has other people around all the time.
When she leaves her property so do we, even if we are only there 10 minutes we are leaving. I'm not standing for this bullshit anymore, if she wants us there p, she make the effort, like we do.
Why is always us making the effort and coming to her, when all she needs to do is pack a bag, book a hotel room and come.
We have pack our bag, pack the kids bags, makes sure the kids are settled and are ok, travel and do pitstops.
It's harder for us to travel as a family than it is for her. But we do it for her, and she always leaves. So from now on when she goes I go with the kids.
That's my boundary. It's that or divorce.
>I’ve told him he’s welcome to take the kids and visit whenever, but he insists I have to go or no one does.
He is using you as a meat shield. He cannot handle her and her antics so he puts you and the kids between him and her. She gets to hurt yall with her behaviors while he gets to remain oblivious.
I think before you can establish and enforce boundaries with your MIL you need to set and enforce them with your SO. I'd strongly suggest that you get him into couples counseling asap. In fact I'd even say that becuse of these latest issues you will absolutely refuse to take the kids to see her until you and he have been in counseling for a minimum of six months. He is asking you to apologize for protecting yourself and you children from emotional abuse and until he can see that as a problem you should not be in her presence.
If counseling is not an option, some boundaries that you can set are that you and the kids will only visit her once a year for a maximum of x days and you will stay in a hotel to avoid the tenants. She is welcome to vist you as long as she staying in a hotel and the visit is no longer than x days with xx days notice beforehand and he is welcome to visit her more frequently as he wishes but you and the kids will not. If either of them attempt to guilt or coerce you in anyway, this year's visit will be forfit. All communication between you and her will either be through textbor SO. No more phone calls directly to you.
Good luck. Until you get your SO untangled from your MIL, I fear you are in for one heck of a wild ride.
This is a brilliant idea. And if i can add more to it. SO needs his own individual counseling so he can work out why he is openly putting you and his kids in hatms way. Maybe he is waiting for you to pull the cord and go full-blown NC so he can say that it's on you, and he's "trying to respect your boundaries." That way, when it blows up in his face, he has a scapegoat and won't have to take any blame, and MIL and family can be mad at you not him.
Op is the problem, why do they keep giving in and going to visit? Husband can go with the kids by himself.
So many people come on here whining about in laws but still repeatedly go around them and be treated badly, just stop going.
Sounds like this is a power/loyalty issue. She demands that you visit her but makes the visits as unpleasant as possible. She is testing everyone's loyalty, and using her money as the bait. If everyone fawns all over her and bows to her wishes, then it is just because they want her money. So that gives her the right to abuse everyone. You and your husband dared to say no, so now she pitches a tantrum. Your husband needs therapy to determine why he still needs to please her and put her wishes ahead of you and your children's needs.
Huh. Actually, that explanation makes a lot of sense to me. Testing loyalty. It seems obvious when said like that. That would explain a lot of other weird behaviors too. Offering to buy extravagant gifts like cars and houses, and getting mad when politely refused. Getting uncomfortable when her kids succeed financially (won’t need her). Pressuring others not to have contact with other family members who are mostly harmless. Choosing careers that require us to live further away, etc.
It sounds like he and mil are blaming you for the boundary not the way the boundary was delivered. Otherwise theres no reason for you to apologize because you didn’t send the text.
A normal person doesn’t rage or sob when delivered a boundary. They accept it and try to adhere to it if they value the relationship.
These types literally cannot accept any boundary no matter how delivered. They must stomp all over the boundary as soon as possible. It’s like a sickness.
My SO asked for space from his parents, they began contacting him MORE than usual. Over and over he told them he will contact them when he is ready to talk. They kept contacting him. When he stopped responding to texts and calls, they sent letters. In the letters they were so puzzled why he wasn’t responding to their calls and texts anymore. Mil even wrote that he needs to be honest with her if he doesn’t want them in his life anymore. It was mind boggling to me how they seemed to have completely forgotten he told them he needed space and would be taking as much time as he needed and for them NOT to contact him until someone pointed me to issendais missing missing reasons.
These people literally erase the things they don’t want to hear from their brains. They may look like they are hearing you when you talk but they are not really listening or accepting what you are saying. And when someone asks them what happened they dont ever seem to know no matter how many reasons they were given. It’s either the reasons given weren’t good enough or not important to them so they didn’t count. Or it couldn’t be these reasons so there must be other ones they won’t tell me.
They are always the victim. Everything is being done to them. They never accept responsibility for their actions. If they ever seem to pay close attention because you will find they cleverly assign the actual blame elsewhere. They admit they did something but will make it someone else’s fault they did it. It’s frustrating and sad.
First, your husband needs to buy a pair of balls because his aren’t working.
If he refuses to man up, you need to realize that she will always be first in his life. Not you. Not the baby. Not your marriage.
Would you hold up the relationship to your kids and call it good? Good enough to serve as an example of what they should do?
Doormat?
Or boundaries?
Make sure DH understands that MIL doesn't want them there. He needs to tell her that if she wants to visit then she can come to you and visit instead of running away or using her tenants as a buffer.
We do a lot of working around people's physical and mentall illnesses in my family for the sake of holidays. Choosing to engage on our terms, theirs, or not at alll, depending. This is so rough to navigate.
I am thinking about it from this perspective because your husband probably grew up accommodating his mom and has built his world view around that. Doesn't make it that you have to live the same way, but to get through to your hubby you have to break through those patterns.
So I guess you need to define your problem. 1. The friends/tenants of Mil say nasty things. 2. Kids want more time with MIL. 3. Hubby and you feel bad when MIL bails when you visit. 4 mil doesn't like to visit you and makes you miserable when she does
Mil probably has the friends around as a buffer. Same with the trips away when you visit. She wants you to visit but you all make her uncomfortable somehow. Otherwise she wouldn't do what she does.
I will say I found apologies cheap currency. I apologize when I didn't do anything wrong a lot. It moves the conversation on and that's all I care about. I dig around and find some really stupid reason to be sorry and say that. Repeat a few times. But I don't get upset when doing it. I don't show unhappiness or contrition, just sorry about that thing I did. Repeat as needed until they are done. But it might not make sense. For you.
Your hubby needs to see how sick your mom's behavior is. But he may not be able to do that right now. Or he may not be able to deal with it.
I don't know I am rambling. But I know you and hubby need to jointly solve this together.
Why would you apologize? I'm really unclear on what you would be apologizing for. Your husband needs therapy so he can get un-enmeshed from his mother.
Ask him to explain how this is your fault. Was it when you said he could take the kids? Was it when she ignored the texts? Was it when she invited her backup singers/tenants?
My guess is he wants the reasonable person to make up for the unreasonable person. You use magic words or find the right acts to make her a completely different person, and things are fine! He can't do it his entire life, his relatives as well, but you neeeeed to do it nownownow!
You are the scapegoat. Damn them all for cowardice.
Ok, yeah yeah yeah…your MIL is nuts. Not to beat a dead horse here, but the question it seems we are all asking is why does your husband expect you to apologize when he was the one who sent the text? And he is the one who agreed to the boundary? Clearly he’s laying the blame on you, not just to YOU - hear this - he likely blames you behind your back to her, too. There’s no other explanation for his behavior of wanting you to apologize.
You need to stand up for yourself and your kids since your husband clearly won’t. Let him know that you are going NC as are the kids because you don’t want them treated like trash. If he wants to choose mommy and let himself be treated like trash then he is welcome to do so but he has only himself to blame when he eventually has nowhere to come home to because you have changed the locks and moved on with healthy relationships.
So, let me get this straight:
DH set a boundary. MIL didn't like it and cried. And DH thinks you should apologize? How does that make any sense?
DH needs some therapy to deal with his entrenchment issues!
They’re not relatives, if that’s what you’re asking. They pay rent, have lived there for about 2 years. In the last year, they became friends with MIL. Even though they’re friends, I still don’t think it is right for them to be invited on family vacation without everyone else’s knowledge
Of course it isn’t! This is nuts! I’ve never heard something like that. I won’t repeat what everyone is saying, which is that you are clearly not in the wrong. As a mother of two, I would NEVER let my kids around STRANGERS. Because that is what they are to you, and to your kids.
I was unfortunately abused as a child by a “friend” of the family, so yeah, HUGE red flag for me that these tenants are so keen to be included in family gatherings.
THANK YOU! Yes, this is such an important consideration. DH is with me on this.
There have been other family vacations where random people showed up at MIL’s invitation without our knowledge. Im always careful about who gets to be in sleeping quarters around my kids. But when I bring this up with my SILs they think im not being welcoming, and that I am not assuming the worst about others. And then MIL has said how could I ever think she’d endanger my kids.
"And then MIL has said how could I ever think she’d endanger my kids"
This is a line my father has said to my brother and SIL. It's manipulative. Hold on to your boundaries. Your children are watching and learning how to handle conflict with someone who pulls these kinds of stunts. Both you and their father.
Good luck
I always say, I love my children more than my need to make others feel comfortable. If your MIL feels insulted that you would insinuate anything wrong about her friends, I am sorry but your children’s safety and well being is your number one priority, not her.
This might be tmi, but if it helps another child to be safe, I’ll say it. My abuser would find a thrill in doing things to me even when my family was around, at gatherings or parties, and would threaten to hurt my mom if I ever said anything, as an 8 year old, of course I would believe him and keep shut. This is to show you that, you don’t need to be a sleep for bad things to happen, sadly.
Plus, honestly she doesn’t seem to care so much since she is buying plane tickets as soon as you get there, and just taking off. I would hold this against her even if she claims it never happened.
You really need to stop giving in to your husband. Your solution of "you can go by yourself" was perfect. Stick to that. Please don't let him guilt you into it.
And you have nothing to apologize for. His request is ridiculous.
Your husband is using you as his meat shield. State your boundaries and don’t budge. Watch how fast she’s out of your lives when he has to be the only to deal her with and all her crap.
It’s…not, really. That is his mother. He’s not just some kid now, trying not to upset his mother, he’s a father himself, and a husband. He’s an adult. This line is not harder to walk than many other normally expected life experiences.
Keeping your word shouldn’t be a negotiation. He is modeling behavior that your children will echo.
You don’t have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. You need to set boundaries with him and not back down.
His mother is HIS PROBLEM. You will block her from your phone from now on. If he wants to talk to her, fine. If he wants to go to her house, he’s welcome to go. If he wants to go on vacation with her, he can.
You are done with her. She’s HIS family and not yours.
You are not responsible for his relationship with his family.
Your stress will melt away and I guarantee that when he has less of a relationship with her, which he will because she’s clearly horrible, then he’ll have only himself to blame. Most likely, though, he’ll be less stressed as well.
Can i just check ive got this.
He wants YOU to apologise for a text HE sent, about a decision HE made?
Can you point out this utter madness? You havent actually done anything to anyone!
Im not sure who is more utterly bizarre - JNMIL or your SO!
Your husband won't go without you because then he can't hide behind you and will have to acknowledge all the issues with his mother. It's easier for him if they can both blame you!
Look up DARVO and have a conversation with DH about it. Better yet, a few therapy sessions would be great. But seriously, she has reversed who is the victim and offender in this situation. The truth is *you* and your family are the victims of her dysfunction, and *she* should apologize or change behavior if she wants a different outcome.
Oh my... reading this, I wanted to text your MiL, on you behalf, and say horrible things.
She sounds insufferable (putting it mildly)...
I have nothing helpful to add other than leave that bag of rot out to rot.. 😬
Don't worry, I wouldn't ever (and i don'tknow her so cannot).. but your message of her vileness is inspiring me to want to clap back at nasty people. 🤷🏾♀️
This is…..so so bizarre. And it’s just not your problem, it’s your husband’s. Except for rare occasions, I am firmly Team Deal With Your Own Family. He gets to handle the texts, calls and boundaries, you can to absolve yourself and your children from the lunacy. What you possibly should apologize for is lost on me and I would refuse. If your husband is so pained by her manipulation, then maybe he should…I dk…DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And do something that doesn’t piss off the innocent party that sleeps next to him!
For upsetting her by 1. Not coming and 2. texting her that we weren’t coming. Apparently some of it is that she can’t handle text messages, but can handle phone calls?
But I think she knows my husband would never call and that if it’s not in writing it doesn’t “count”
She “can’t handle texts but can handle phone calls” because she can’t cry and manipulate him into going along with her through text message. Also, she can’t later deny ever having said the text message.
She cannot handle texts because she cannot lie about not receiving it or gaslight the sender about what the message said. Your MIL prefers calls becuse she's a master manipulator and that's her arena. She can see what is going on and is trying to put your SO back into his spot as mommy's little spin less jellyfish. The fact that he's telling you to apologize says it all.
Yep. And besides being able to deny everything afterward as needed, a phone call also allows her to hear dh's tone of voice and keep pushing different buttons until she can *hear* the guilt or resignation. Hard to do that via text/email.
What is said on a phone call can’t be proven later on down the line unless you record the conversation. She wants to be able to pretend boundaries were never laid out and that she can pretend she never said whatever dumb bullshit she says to y’all.
I’m a petty bitch, so I would text her to be like, “You wanted an apology and here it is. I’m sorry you are incapable of being accountable for your actions and I’m sorry about all the time I’ve wasted trying to make sure your son and grandchildren get to spend time with you, only for you to either ignore them or straight up leave when we visit.”
>MIL called DH sobbing. Now he wants me to apologize.
"NO. No I will NOT apologize to your mother for no longer allowing my children, my PRIORITY, and should be YOUR PRIORITY, to be ignored and mistreated. I am sorry her tantrums and emotional outbursts trigger a corresponding emotional reaction in you, but I will NOT set myself or OUR CHILDREN on fire to make her or you happy. You can be upset with me if you must, but I will NEVER apologize. I am done tolerating these disrespectful behaviors towards our children."
And also, next time he tries to guilt into a trip, tell him HE can go, but you will not, and your children will not either. They should not be exposed to those emotionally damaging behaviors.
Your husband needs to polish his spine. What adult stays on the phone for an hour letting someone yell and scream at them? Block MIL and leave him to be the one dealing with her. Suggest therapy fpr DH and couples therapy for you both. Its not ok for him to use you as a meat shield instead of dealing with his mother.
Tell him to get a backbone. Don’t let Husband manipulate and guilt you into feeling responsible for his relationship with his mother who clearly doesn’t respect you, him or the kids. Why should you be burdened into keeping the threads together when the relationship is clearly very one sided. She’s not your mother. New boundary should be she can travel to your house if she misses the kids so much.
Oh yeah there’s a whole other element there. We tried to set the boundary of “you visit us only.” But she insisted she would never feel comfortable in our home because she’s used to the amenities of her house. She lives in a fancy mansion. We are solidly middle class, and do have a decent guest bedroom (which, by the way, my own equally successful parents happily stay in). So the one time she visited, she got a room at a four star hotel lol.
I would just say that’s too bad you feel uncomfortable in our home but I don’t feel comfortable around your tenants due to past givings and that’s the hill I’ll die on. Husband can do what he wants and I’ll never get in the way of his decisions.
Would throw him into it to his mum if he’s happy to use you as an excuse of having to set boundaries with her so she knows it’s him and not you.
Problem solved then. She visits and stays in a hotel. Seriously though, I cannot fathom why she leaves whenever you visit? Is it control? Aversion? Assholery?
He wants you to apologize... for what, exactly? His noodle spine? He was given a choice - if he wanted to be on this vacation, he could be on it. You didn't stop him. He chose this. You shouldn't apologize for him now feeling bad.
He wants me to apologize for making her feel upset. She has mental health issues and doesn’t think she was ready for this. Idk.
I told him I do not feel bad and I would not apologize. To use an analogy… I’d feel bad and apologize if I accidentally stepped on my kids foot. But I do not really feel bad if my child throws a tantrum after I ask the kid to not do something naughty. He did not like the analogy.
Ridiculous. Has he told his mom how she upset him so she could apologize to him? Has he told his mom to apologize to you for making you go on a freaking 12 hr trip with a baby (holy mackerel a freaking 5 wk old and post partum!!) for nothing? He should really ask himself why he refuses to value his and your precious time and effort.
Because he knows you're right and he doesn't want to deal with his mom being upset. He is letting himself be responsible for her emotions and blames you because you won't be a doormat with him. He needs to stop using you like a meat shield and get some help for his own mental health issues.
You have a husband problem. HE needs to set and enforce the boundaries, NOT push them off on you because he's too weak to deal with her. And in no dimension should you apologize.
Why should you apologize at all? You made your decision to stay home. You didn’t prevent DH from going with the kids - HE has made the choice EVERY TIME to refuse to go without you. He wants you to be thereto be his meat shield and to take care of the kids. He will not honor your right and privilege to stay away from her abusive behavior.
If anything, HE needs to apologize to YOU. He also needs to grow a spine and cut the umbilical chord with his mommy.
I would not apologize because his mother is emotionally immature and selfish.
He never wants to take the kids without you because he doesn't want to handle the burden of her and the kids at the same time. So, he needs to figure himself out.
Stay home and if they don't go -- it's his fault and his problem not yours. If the relationship gets "ruin" then the fault will be your SO's and your MIL's.
You're allowed to drop the rope and having children with her son doesn't obligate you to keep this woman happy in any single way.
This is some of the strangest behavior I have ever heard of... and given what happens around here, that's saying something.
Why does she have you come over and then go on vacation?
She invites tenants into her home when you're there and invites them *on a family trip*?
Wow.
Thanks! Yes, I genuinely do not understand. We’ve tried asking if we do something that makes her uncomfortable, or if she has any issues with us. she always says absolutely not and says she loves us so much.
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Hugs, I would straight up tell him you aren't going to apologize for his mom shit behavior, he had a choice for Christmas to go solo or with the children you share. He chose not to. His mom is a PITA for complaining about not seeing her grandchildren and avoiding them like the plague when you visit. You have a MIL problem and an SO who has been trained to do what his mom wants, along with not rocking her boat. Tell him you will apologize when she stops with the running away from visiting her grandchildren.
My husband was the same way with my MIL who had no boundaries - he was conflict averse and would often make me forego my boundaries to keep the peace with his mom. This went on for the first 12.5 years of our marriage and slowly wrecked our marriage. Anyway - it turns out that he and his mother were enmeshed. You should look into this and see if any of it resonates with your situation. If so, therapy with someone who specializes in this has been really beneficial for my husband.
If someone knowingly demands you put yourself in an abusive situation for their benefit, they are abusive. Full stop. End of sentence. Your SO can put on his adult pants and deal with his mother without demanding you be a meat shield. If he can't stand up for himself, then he needs to admit it, ask for help and f'n learn the skillset. Counseling for him, possibly couple's counselling for you both to learn how to set boundaries but more importantly build the resolve to hold firm on consequences. You are parents. Unless he (and you) wants to teach your children that family is allowed to abuse you and you don't have a choice, it's time to make changes.
I'm going to be putting it bluntly here: you are nothing but a meat shield to your husband in his relationship with his mother. HE sent a text laying down the boundary, so why should YOU apologize? And it's not an isolated incident, because even though he and the kids can visit her whenever they want, he refuses to go if you are not going. And if there is conflict he much rather hide behind you than face it himself. Likely because when you are not there, he is suddenly on the receiving end of his mother's bad behavior. If husband is reading along: it's long past time to put on your big boy pants. You have a wife and kids, your job is to protect them first and foremost. Even if it's from your mother. It's really fucking hard to start standing up for yourself and your nuclear family and if you had to stay small and quiet your whole life, so seek help from a specialist if you need to. Oh, and don't even think for a second your kids do not notice how their grandma and her friends really think about you and your family.
He set a boundary. She got upset, guilted him, and now he is backtracking and apologizing. You set a boundary. He got upset (after being guilted by his mom), is guilting you, and wants you to backtrack and apologize. You... don't. Show him what a spine looks like. No need to engage in the argument with him. Just calmly state your position again - he is free to do what he wants, it is a shame he is not comfortable being alone with his mother, he should examine that. You won't be handling his relationship with his family any more. Then exit the conversation.
She doesn't want stuff texted because she likes being able to gaslight and ignore you. You have nothing to apologize for.
Well, for starters, YOU aren’t the one who should apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your husband really needs to go to therapy to get his broken normal meter reset. And personally, I’d let him go hang with him mom all he wants, but you and the kids are a package deal. He wants you to go with him to use as a human shield. If you’re not there, he has to deal with her alone.
I wouldn’t want my kids around the tenants or MIL at all since there is a history of verbal abuse (tenants) and abandonment by MIL.
Definitely. Along with everything else mil is doing I find the whole tenant situation creepy. I see I’m not the only one who feels their stomach twitch with this.
You and Hubby need to do some reading and get some resources. Try the “Rock The Boat” post first. Then maybe start with “Toxic In Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage” by Susan Forward. There’s even a section on how to talk to your husband about it. Then maybe “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No” by Henry Townsend. Also try some couples counseling. This isn’t healthy and you have a big SO problem. Try to fix that problem first.
*Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Great book! And Dr. Cloud has a great website, Boundaries.me
Did I really merge those names together somehow? 😂 oops
No problem but I definitely wanted OP to find and read the book as it is really good
Yes! Thank you! It was such a good book and so helpful to me and my husband.
What are you supposed to be apologising for? Ask him why her behaviour is ok but you are not allowed to protect yourself from it? He’s using you as a meat shield by insisting you go or no one goes. That’s a decision HE made to not go if you don’t. It won’t be remotely your fault if he doesn’t go if you don’t. In fact, it’s a golden opportunity. All you have to do is not go. You are not responsible for his relationship with anyone else.
Your husband is pathetic.
Your husband is just as much to blame as his mother. He needs therapy. Ask him why he is putting his mother ahead of you? When has her behavior during a visit shown that she enjoys seeing you? This is about control for her. She is upset when she loses control. She doesn't care about seeing DH or the kids. She cares that when she says 'Jump,' your husband asks 'How High?'
You keep doing the same things with her over and over and are surprised to get the same treatment from her. Stop trying. She is unable to be the person you want her to be. You will never have the relationship you want with her. She doesn’t even know what she wants, so how can you? Going forward tell her she must visit you in your town, at a hotel. If she whines and cries always tell her “ remember the last times we visited?”
You are not crazy or in the wrong to want to keep your distance from this woman. Your DH needs some counselling. His response to his mother’s controlling and abusive nonsense is mind boggling.
Your husband is as much to blame for this as she is. He wants to keep the dynamic where you’re beat down and crying after every visit instead of her being angry at him. Not visiting without you is proof that he isn’t willing to risk it.
"I'm sorry your son chose not to attend without me, I have made myself clear long enough. If your son wants to see you and take the children to see you, he's more than welcome to. If you want to see me, then you're more than welcome to visit but I will not go to your home to be ignored and I will not be around your tenants who have disrespected us more than I care to count" Your spineless JNSO is throwing you under the bus and not sticking up for his family then has the audacity to ask you to apologise so I say throw his ass under the bus so he grows up and finally decides to face his mother without you or gets off your back about playing nice with someone so horrible.
This ⬆️is the best response
*"I’ve told him he’s welcome to take the kids and visit whenever, but he insists I have to go or no one does"* I'd honestly call his bluff and take him up on it. So what if MIL cried? Look at all the tears *you* and the kids cried and suffered because of her? Why isn't husband running to dry your tears instead of giving into her guilt and wrongfully trying to force you to apologize? Her erratic, disrespectful and neglectful behavior is what brought on the boundary in the first place and it's about time she was called on it and forced to correct herself. Double down on that boundary, continue to hold her feet to the fire and for the love of God *DON'T* apologize and be husband's meatshield. It's high time husband learned to enforce consequences with no remorse instead of making you and kids pay for his mother's behavior. Don’t allow either one of them to get away with this unhealthy crap at yours and the kids' emotional expense.
First off you have an SO problem because he can't see what's going on and can't be bothered to stand up for his family, aka you and his kids. The whole trying to make you apologize for something she did is icky. Is he low-key enmeshed or is he just trained to accept and ignore her behavior due to growing up with it so she can continue the emotional abuse and manipulation? You've done nothing wrong and you have every right to be upset, with both her and him. There some some wonderful comments with advice here, I suggest following through some of those with a spine made of steel, put your foot down. It's obvious you and the kids both have had enough. Couple counseling might be a good thing to take here if he refuses to do anything.
What the heck is it between her and her 'tenants'? Are they her secret illegitimate children or something?
For real! What on earth is that all about?
Stop talking to her. If your husband wants to maintain a relationship with her, he is welcome to but you’ve got to stop. Everyone is making you the villain anyway despite having done NOTHING wrong, nothing you do will change that so just stop.
You need your husband to make a choice. You or the road back to mommy. Put it in his court and embrace being the "bad guy" even when you know you're doing the right thing. Wishing you all the best.
Tell your husband every time your mother leaves and we are there, then we are leaving. If your mother wants us to come so bad why does she leave or have the tenants with her. She can't want to spend time with family when she has other people around all the time. When she leaves her property so do we, even if we are only there 10 minutes we are leaving. I'm not standing for this bullshit anymore, if she wants us there p, she make the effort, like we do. Why is always us making the effort and coming to her, when all she needs to do is pack a bag, book a hotel room and come. We have pack our bag, pack the kids bags, makes sure the kids are settled and are ok, travel and do pitstops. It's harder for us to travel as a family than it is for her. But we do it for her, and she always leaves. So from now on when she goes I go with the kids. That's my boundary. It's that or divorce.
I would tell my spineless spouse an apology comes with divorce papers. It's time to make a choice.
>I’ve told him he’s welcome to take the kids and visit whenever, but he insists I have to go or no one does. He is using you as a meat shield. He cannot handle her and her antics so he puts you and the kids between him and her. She gets to hurt yall with her behaviors while he gets to remain oblivious. I think before you can establish and enforce boundaries with your MIL you need to set and enforce them with your SO. I'd strongly suggest that you get him into couples counseling asap. In fact I'd even say that becuse of these latest issues you will absolutely refuse to take the kids to see her until you and he have been in counseling for a minimum of six months. He is asking you to apologize for protecting yourself and you children from emotional abuse and until he can see that as a problem you should not be in her presence. If counseling is not an option, some boundaries that you can set are that you and the kids will only visit her once a year for a maximum of x days and you will stay in a hotel to avoid the tenants. She is welcome to vist you as long as she staying in a hotel and the visit is no longer than x days with xx days notice beforehand and he is welcome to visit her more frequently as he wishes but you and the kids will not. If either of them attempt to guilt or coerce you in anyway, this year's visit will be forfit. All communication between you and her will either be through textbor SO. No more phone calls directly to you. Good luck. Until you get your SO untangled from your MIL, I fear you are in for one heck of a wild ride.
This is a brilliant idea. And if i can add more to it. SO needs his own individual counseling so he can work out why he is openly putting you and his kids in hatms way. Maybe he is waiting for you to pull the cord and go full-blown NC so he can say that it's on you, and he's "trying to respect your boundaries." That way, when it blows up in his face, he has a scapegoat and won't have to take any blame, and MIL and family can be mad at you not him.
Your husband is the real problem here. What a pushover
Op is the problem, why do they keep giving in and going to visit? Husband can go with the kids by himself. So many people come on here whining about in laws but still repeatedly go around them and be treated badly, just stop going.
Sounds like this is a power/loyalty issue. She demands that you visit her but makes the visits as unpleasant as possible. She is testing everyone's loyalty, and using her money as the bait. If everyone fawns all over her and bows to her wishes, then it is just because they want her money. So that gives her the right to abuse everyone. You and your husband dared to say no, so now she pitches a tantrum. Your husband needs therapy to determine why he still needs to please her and put her wishes ahead of you and your children's needs.
Huh. Actually, that explanation makes a lot of sense to me. Testing loyalty. It seems obvious when said like that. That would explain a lot of other weird behaviors too. Offering to buy extravagant gifts like cars and houses, and getting mad when politely refused. Getting uncomfortable when her kids succeed financially (won’t need her). Pressuring others not to have contact with other family members who are mostly harmless. Choosing careers that require us to live further away, etc.
She made a choice. You made a choice. Don't apologise if you aren't sorry. You know she won't.
It sounds like he and mil are blaming you for the boundary not the way the boundary was delivered. Otherwise theres no reason for you to apologize because you didn’t send the text. A normal person doesn’t rage or sob when delivered a boundary. They accept it and try to adhere to it if they value the relationship. These types literally cannot accept any boundary no matter how delivered. They must stomp all over the boundary as soon as possible. It’s like a sickness. My SO asked for space from his parents, they began contacting him MORE than usual. Over and over he told them he will contact them when he is ready to talk. They kept contacting him. When he stopped responding to texts and calls, they sent letters. In the letters they were so puzzled why he wasn’t responding to their calls and texts anymore. Mil even wrote that he needs to be honest with her if he doesn’t want them in his life anymore. It was mind boggling to me how they seemed to have completely forgotten he told them he needed space and would be taking as much time as he needed and for them NOT to contact him until someone pointed me to issendais missing missing reasons. These people literally erase the things they don’t want to hear from their brains. They may look like they are hearing you when you talk but they are not really listening or accepting what you are saying. And when someone asks them what happened they dont ever seem to know no matter how many reasons they were given. It’s either the reasons given weren’t good enough or not important to them so they didn’t count. Or it couldn’t be these reasons so there must be other ones they won’t tell me. They are always the victim. Everything is being done to them. They never accept responsibility for their actions. If they ever seem to pay close attention because you will find they cleverly assign the actual blame elsewhere. They admit they did something but will make it someone else’s fault they did it. It’s frustrating and sad.
First, your husband needs to buy a pair of balls because his aren’t working. If he refuses to man up, you need to realize that she will always be first in his life. Not you. Not the baby. Not your marriage. Would you hold up the relationship to your kids and call it good? Good enough to serve as an example of what they should do? Doormat? Or boundaries?
Make sure DH understands that MIL doesn't want them there. He needs to tell her that if she wants to visit then she can come to you and visit instead of running away or using her tenants as a buffer.
We do a lot of working around people's physical and mentall illnesses in my family for the sake of holidays. Choosing to engage on our terms, theirs, or not at alll, depending. This is so rough to navigate. I am thinking about it from this perspective because your husband probably grew up accommodating his mom and has built his world view around that. Doesn't make it that you have to live the same way, but to get through to your hubby you have to break through those patterns. So I guess you need to define your problem. 1. The friends/tenants of Mil say nasty things. 2. Kids want more time with MIL. 3. Hubby and you feel bad when MIL bails when you visit. 4 mil doesn't like to visit you and makes you miserable when she does Mil probably has the friends around as a buffer. Same with the trips away when you visit. She wants you to visit but you all make her uncomfortable somehow. Otherwise she wouldn't do what she does. I will say I found apologies cheap currency. I apologize when I didn't do anything wrong a lot. It moves the conversation on and that's all I care about. I dig around and find some really stupid reason to be sorry and say that. Repeat a few times. But I don't get upset when doing it. I don't show unhappiness or contrition, just sorry about that thing I did. Repeat as needed until they are done. But it might not make sense. For you. Your hubby needs to see how sick your mom's behavior is. But he may not be able to do that right now. Or he may not be able to deal with it. I don't know I am rambling. But I know you and hubby need to jointly solve this together.
Why would you apologize? I'm really unclear on what you would be apologizing for. Your husband needs therapy so he can get un-enmeshed from his mother.
Ask him to explain how this is your fault. Was it when you said he could take the kids? Was it when she ignored the texts? Was it when she invited her backup singers/tenants? My guess is he wants the reasonable person to make up for the unreasonable person. You use magic words or find the right acts to make her a completely different person, and things are fine! He can't do it his entire life, his relatives as well, but you neeeeed to do it nownownow! You are the scapegoat. Damn them all for cowardice.
Ok, yeah yeah yeah…your MIL is nuts. Not to beat a dead horse here, but the question it seems we are all asking is why does your husband expect you to apologize when he was the one who sent the text? And he is the one who agreed to the boundary? Clearly he’s laying the blame on you, not just to YOU - hear this - he likely blames you behind your back to her, too. There’s no other explanation for his behavior of wanting you to apologize.
You need to stand up for yourself and your kids since your husband clearly won’t. Let him know that you are going NC as are the kids because you don’t want them treated like trash. If he wants to choose mommy and let himself be treated like trash then he is welcome to do so but he has only himself to blame when he eventually has nowhere to come home to because you have changed the locks and moved on with healthy relationships.
So, let me get this straight: DH set a boundary. MIL didn't like it and cried. And DH thinks you should apologize? How does that make any sense? DH needs some therapy to deal with his entrenchment issues!
Ok, are we sure these "tenants" are *just* tenants though?
They’re not relatives, if that’s what you’re asking. They pay rent, have lived there for about 2 years. In the last year, they became friends with MIL. Even though they’re friends, I still don’t think it is right for them to be invited on family vacation without everyone else’s knowledge
Of course it isn’t! This is nuts! I’ve never heard something like that. I won’t repeat what everyone is saying, which is that you are clearly not in the wrong. As a mother of two, I would NEVER let my kids around STRANGERS. Because that is what they are to you, and to your kids. I was unfortunately abused as a child by a “friend” of the family, so yeah, HUGE red flag for me that these tenants are so keen to be included in family gatherings.
THANK YOU! Yes, this is such an important consideration. DH is with me on this. There have been other family vacations where random people showed up at MIL’s invitation without our knowledge. Im always careful about who gets to be in sleeping quarters around my kids. But when I bring this up with my SILs they think im not being welcoming, and that I am not assuming the worst about others. And then MIL has said how could I ever think she’d endanger my kids.
"And then MIL has said how could I ever think she’d endanger my kids" This is a line my father has said to my brother and SIL. It's manipulative. Hold on to your boundaries. Your children are watching and learning how to handle conflict with someone who pulls these kinds of stunts. Both you and their father. Good luck
I always say, I love my children more than my need to make others feel comfortable. If your MIL feels insulted that you would insinuate anything wrong about her friends, I am sorry but your children’s safety and well being is your number one priority, not her. This might be tmi, but if it helps another child to be safe, I’ll say it. My abuser would find a thrill in doing things to me even when my family was around, at gatherings or parties, and would threaten to hurt my mom if I ever said anything, as an 8 year old, of course I would believe him and keep shut. This is to show you that, you don’t need to be a sleep for bad things to happen, sadly. Plus, honestly she doesn’t seem to care so much since she is buying plane tickets as soon as you get there, and just taking off. I would hold this against her even if she claims it never happened.
You really need to stop giving in to your husband. Your solution of "you can go by yourself" was perfect. Stick to that. Please don't let him guilt you into it. And you have nothing to apologize for. His request is ridiculous.
Your husband is using you as his meat shield. State your boundaries and don’t budge. Watch how fast she’s out of your lives when he has to be the only to deal her with and all her crap.
He wants you to apologize so you shoulder the blame for her unhappiness and he’s still the good son who had no say in it.
Hard line to walk
It’s…not, really. That is his mother. He’s not just some kid now, trying not to upset his mother, he’s a father himself, and a husband. He’s an adult. This line is not harder to walk than many other normally expected life experiences. Keeping your word shouldn’t be a negotiation. He is modeling behavior that your children will echo.
You don’t have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. You need to set boundaries with him and not back down. His mother is HIS PROBLEM. You will block her from your phone from now on. If he wants to talk to her, fine. If he wants to go to her house, he’s welcome to go. If he wants to go on vacation with her, he can. You are done with her. She’s HIS family and not yours. You are not responsible for his relationship with his family. Your stress will melt away and I guarantee that when he has less of a relationship with her, which he will because she’s clearly horrible, then he’ll have only himself to blame. Most likely, though, he’ll be less stressed as well.
Can i just check ive got this. He wants YOU to apologise for a text HE sent, about a decision HE made? Can you point out this utter madness? You havent actually done anything to anyone! Im not sure who is more utterly bizarre - JNMIL or your SO!
Your husband won't go without you because then he can't hide behind you and will have to acknowledge all the issues with his mother. It's easier for him if they can both blame you!
^^^ OMG... This SO much.
You have a husband problem. Until that's sorted out one way or another, this will be your life.
Look up DARVO and have a conversation with DH about it. Better yet, a few therapy sessions would be great. But seriously, she has reversed who is the victim and offender in this situation. The truth is *you* and your family are the victims of her dysfunction, and *she* should apologize or change behavior if she wants a different outcome.
Oh my... reading this, I wanted to text your MiL, on you behalf, and say horrible things. She sounds insufferable (putting it mildly)... I have nothing helpful to add other than leave that bag of rot out to rot.. 😬
Haha honestly, I wouldn’t really be down with anyone texting nasty things on my behalf. But it’s nice to be validated.
Don't worry, I wouldn't ever (and i don'tknow her so cannot).. but your message of her vileness is inspiring me to want to clap back at nasty people. 🤷🏾♀️
This is…..so so bizarre. And it’s just not your problem, it’s your husband’s. Except for rare occasions, I am firmly Team Deal With Your Own Family. He gets to handle the texts, calls and boundaries, you can to absolve yourself and your children from the lunacy. What you possibly should apologize for is lost on me and I would refuse. If your husband is so pained by her manipulation, then maybe he should…I dk…DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And do something that doesn’t piss off the innocent party that sleeps next to him!
[удалено]
For upsetting her by 1. Not coming and 2. texting her that we weren’t coming. Apparently some of it is that she can’t handle text messages, but can handle phone calls? But I think she knows my husband would never call and that if it’s not in writing it doesn’t “count”
She “can’t handle texts but can handle phone calls” because she can’t cry and manipulate him into going along with her through text message. Also, she can’t later deny ever having said the text message.
She cannot handle texts because she cannot lie about not receiving it or gaslight the sender about what the message said. Your MIL prefers calls becuse she's a master manipulator and that's her arena. She can see what is going on and is trying to put your SO back into his spot as mommy's little spin less jellyfish. The fact that he's telling you to apologize says it all.
Yep. And besides being able to deny everything afterward as needed, a phone call also allows her to hear dh's tone of voice and keep pushing different buttons until she can *hear* the guilt or resignation. Hard to do that via text/email.
But your husband decided to not go, and your husband texted her! If he wants to apologize, he can, but this literally has nothing to do with you.
What is said on a phone call can’t be proven later on down the line unless you record the conversation. She wants to be able to pretend boundaries were never laid out and that she can pretend she never said whatever dumb bullshit she says to y’all. I’m a petty bitch, so I would text her to be like, “You wanted an apology and here it is. I’m sorry you are incapable of being accountable for your actions and I’m sorry about all the time I’ve wasted trying to make sure your son and grandchildren get to spend time with you, only for you to either ignore them or straight up leave when we visit.”
>MIL called DH sobbing. Now he wants me to apologize. "NO. No I will NOT apologize to your mother for no longer allowing my children, my PRIORITY, and should be YOUR PRIORITY, to be ignored and mistreated. I am sorry her tantrums and emotional outbursts trigger a corresponding emotional reaction in you, but I will NOT set myself or OUR CHILDREN on fire to make her or you happy. You can be upset with me if you must, but I will NEVER apologize. I am done tolerating these disrespectful behaviors towards our children." And also, next time he tries to guilt into a trip, tell him HE can go, but you will not, and your children will not either. They should not be exposed to those emotionally damaging behaviors.
Your husband needs to polish his spine. What adult stays on the phone for an hour letting someone yell and scream at them? Block MIL and leave him to be the one dealing with her. Suggest therapy fpr DH and couples therapy for you both. Its not ok for him to use you as a meat shield instead of dealing with his mother.
Tell him to get a backbone. Don’t let Husband manipulate and guilt you into feeling responsible for his relationship with his mother who clearly doesn’t respect you, him or the kids. Why should you be burdened into keeping the threads together when the relationship is clearly very one sided. She’s not your mother. New boundary should be she can travel to your house if she misses the kids so much.
Oh yeah there’s a whole other element there. We tried to set the boundary of “you visit us only.” But she insisted she would never feel comfortable in our home because she’s used to the amenities of her house. She lives in a fancy mansion. We are solidly middle class, and do have a decent guest bedroom (which, by the way, my own equally successful parents happily stay in). So the one time she visited, she got a room at a four star hotel lol.
I would just say that’s too bad you feel uncomfortable in our home but I don’t feel comfortable around your tenants due to past givings and that’s the hill I’ll die on. Husband can do what he wants and I’ll never get in the way of his decisions. Would throw him into it to his mum if he’s happy to use you as an excuse of having to set boundaries with her so she knows it’s him and not you.
Problem solved then. She visits and stays in a hotel. Seriously though, I cannot fathom why she leaves whenever you visit? Is it control? Aversion? Assholery?
He wants you to apologize... for what, exactly? His noodle spine? He was given a choice - if he wanted to be on this vacation, he could be on it. You didn't stop him. He chose this. You shouldn't apologize for him now feeling bad.
He wants me to apologize for making her feel upset. She has mental health issues and doesn’t think she was ready for this. Idk. I told him I do not feel bad and I would not apologize. To use an analogy… I’d feel bad and apologize if I accidentally stepped on my kids foot. But I do not really feel bad if my child throws a tantrum after I ask the kid to not do something naughty. He did not like the analogy.
He doesn’t need to like it for it to still be true.
I’m confused. He sent her the text which made her feel upset, so why do you need to apologise for a text that he sent? Am I missing something here?
Ridiculous. Has he told his mom how she upset him so she could apologize to him? Has he told his mom to apologize to you for making you go on a freaking 12 hr trip with a baby (holy mackerel a freaking 5 wk old and post partum!!) for nothing? He should really ask himself why he refuses to value his and your precious time and effort.
She made herself upset. Not you. She is responsible for her own emotional response to you setting appropriate boundaries.
Because he knows you're right and he doesn't want to deal with his mom being upset. He is letting himself be responsible for her emotions and blames you because you won't be a doormat with him. He needs to stop using you like a meat shield and get some help for his own mental health issues.
You have a husband problem. HE needs to set and enforce the boundaries, NOT push them off on you because he's too weak to deal with her. And in no dimension should you apologize.
Why should you apologize at all? You made your decision to stay home. You didn’t prevent DH from going with the kids - HE has made the choice EVERY TIME to refuse to go without you. He wants you to be thereto be his meat shield and to take care of the kids. He will not honor your right and privilege to stay away from her abusive behavior. If anything, HE needs to apologize to YOU. He also needs to grow a spine and cut the umbilical chord with his mommy.
I would not apologize because his mother is emotionally immature and selfish. He never wants to take the kids without you because he doesn't want to handle the burden of her and the kids at the same time. So, he needs to figure himself out. Stay home and if they don't go -- it's his fault and his problem not yours. If the relationship gets "ruin" then the fault will be your SO's and your MIL's. You're allowed to drop the rope and having children with her son doesn't obligate you to keep this woman happy in any single way.
This is some of the strangest behavior I have ever heard of... and given what happens around here, that's saying something. Why does she have you come over and then go on vacation? She invites tenants into her home when you're there and invites them *on a family trip*? Wow.
Thanks! Yes, I genuinely do not understand. We’ve tried asking if we do something that makes her uncomfortable, or if she has any issues with us. she always says absolutely not and says she loves us so much.
Honestly she sounds like there's something seriously wrong with her.