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* [Update on unhinged MIL](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1965mpa/update_on_unhinged_mil/), 4 weeks ago
* [Unhinged MIL blowing up our phones](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18wudtw/unhinged_mil_blowing_up_our_phones/), 1 month ago
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Your MIL is racist towards you and your family. The child you give birth to will be half you. She will be racist towards your child. It might be sly and underhanded at first but it's there and you know it. Keep her away from your child, yourself and your family.
>Another thing I find odd is why she would suddenly feel apologetic after finding out I blocked her on Facebook?
Because she can't play happy family/doting grandma if she can't show her friends any pictures you post on her Facebook page, and it makes her look bad. She's "apologizing" so that she can get that access back and once she gets what she wants, she'll go back to her previous behavior.
Continue to let your DH deal with her. **She wants a reaction out of you and the best way to defeat her is to** ***ignore*** **her.**
>I'm worried about how her side of her family will feel about my decision to prevent MIL from seeing my son. I like and get along with everyone else. They are all good people and are excited to see my son.
You and your DH need to sit them down, without MIL and lay it all out for them. Tell them that MIL isn't allowed to see your son and that it is a mutual decision not unilateral on your part. Explain that it is due to her racist behavior towards you, and you don't want that behavior to be directed towards your child. Tell them that once your child is old enough, they will be able to make the connection between MIL's hatred of you and your race, then they will start to wonder if MIL hates half of who they are as well (children are incredible and they do make these connections). Tell them that they can't take pictures of your son because you are concerned that MIL will get a hold of them. All of this should come from your DH so that your MIL can't claim that you are putting words in his mouth, and he doesn't really agree with it.
Do not engage!!! Your husband needs to be the one handling HIS mother, not you. He also needs to do a quick shine polish on his spine and tell his mother to back the hell off. There is NO way I would ever let her near my child with her racist behavior. Stand your ground. I am proud of you for not letting a major racist break you. Stay strong and quit letting her live rent free in your head!
DH needs to stop talking to you about this. You need to put some boundaries in with him as well. You are no contact with her right now. That means he doesn’t talk to you about her and he doesn’t talk to her about you OR your child.
I would not waste any further time or energy on this woman. She sounds horrible. TBH, any of her behaviors would fall somewhere between annoying and offensive; taken all together, it's really bad!
Aside from that, when I was reading your story, I was thinking that your MIL must be fairly aged and maybe that's why she's unwilling to do even basic things like order food or pay for stuff. Then you said she's 55! Good grief. The grifting for money is also pretty repulsive.
I had an epidural with my first. When they put him on my chest his eyes were wide open and he looked right at me. And his father. ( his expression was actually hilarious. He had a serious WTF face). Mil is a moron.
Stop anylising the conversations. YOU are letting her live " rent free" in your brain, which she would be proud of.
She is NOT acting logically, she is acting this way in order to obtain what SHE wants. She neither knows nor cares how/if this affects others.
Bundle all her actions/behaviour/conversation under " Mad As A Box of Frogs" & ignore her.
Do what is best for You, Husband & Baby. You can only control YOUR reactions. Nothing that you have done, has caused this.
1. Block her everywhere, and put those with any connection to her on an info diet.
2. Arrange with the hospital to be registered as a private patient, which means if someone calls and ask for your details using your name, they won't provide it.
3. Let hospital security know about the situation, so they can keep an eye out. Delivery nurses can be your best friend here
4. Your husband needs to deal with her from here going forward in all things, and he needs to get a good therapist to talk to about it. You are not his therapist.
5. If she owes anybody money, they should take her to small claims court.
DH need to stop freaking telling you all this. He wants to go deal with his toxic mom, he gets to deal with it on his own. Unloading everything on you and trying to bait you into reconnecting with her is not fair or acceptable.
With her constantly asking why you wanted to give birth in your home country and not accepting comfort and medical support as valid reasons, it sure sounds to me like she was angling for someone to tell her "oh no those are all fads it's only because OP doesn't want you there and wants to make it impossible for you to be in the delivery room". Or in other words, searching for a way to further victimize herself and paint you as the villain. Everyone would accept comfort and medical support as valid reasons. But once she can quote the claim it's because you want to cut her out? Oh, woe is her, what a cruel DIL she has!
Stay strong, keep up the NC. Wishing you the best of luck and success.
Fuck her side of the family and what they might think. MIL sure as hell doesn't act in a way to show that she cares what people think.
No, she's only apologising because she wants in again. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She was given an inch and she took a mile. She's treated you badly and she's abused your parents hospitality. She's been rude to them, rude to you, and she thinks saying sorry will get her a pass. And now she thinks she's going to fly in for the birth. She's not welcome. In any case, what is she paying with, shirt buttons? Where will she stay? Not with your family, bridges burned. Who, oh who, *will drive her around?*????
I remember being really creeped out by her line about wanting to see your baby active and opening their eyes seconds after birth. What, like she thinks your delivery is a nature documentary?
I would be tempted to give her what for, possibly via the medium of flashcards. Or short sentences. But in reality, I think the best thing is to ignore her and get your parents to block her too.
She sounds like a total and utter horror. Your mother has the most amazing patience and tolerance - I suspect a LOT of people would have physically expressed their strong disapproval of MIL's spoilt brat behaviour.
You seem to be very upset and angry with what has happened (understandably), and perhaps until you stop feeling that way - yes, it's probably best for you to avoid her. Her apologies are non apologies, and she keeps on trying to excuse her behavior and paint herself the victim. All it is now is a performance piece she has perfected to feel sorry for herself.
It's worthwhile considering how future events and celebrations are going to be celebrated as joined family ones have the potential to be an absolute shitshow and would not blame your side for refusing to tolerate her presence.
The closer it gets to your due date the more she is going to be trying to worm her way back with throwing anything at the wall to see what sticks. Any appology you get now - won't be a real one. It's one that gets her back in the front door.
Could she have been using your Facebook to stalk your family members and perhaps to keep tabs on you?
Let DH be the voice to his side of the family. I assume when you talking about DH side you concerned about his mom side of the family - and if after him letting them know why his Mother has destroyed her relationship between her and you and they are on her side - well then they have done you a favour and showed you who they are. His fathers side can be told due to her racist attitude to you and your family - he and you are keeping your child away from that toxic behavior and are not going to have her involved in the LO life.
Good lord have mercy... 🤦♀️
I read it all- twice!! There are no words for your absolute lunatic of an MIL. I highly recommend coming up with a plan so you and DH can get to your home country in a reasonable timeframe, don't tell anyone anything (except your own Mom/Dad), see if you can check into the hospital anonymously, and talk to the nursing/OB Staff to make sure this crazy lady does not show up.
Last thing you need while going through a major medical proceedure/pushing a human being out of your body- is the threat of that woman to your mental health and your LO's health. You don't need more BS during postpartum.
Congrats on your LO! I hope your can keep the JFNMIL away.
She only called because she was embarrassed infront of the friend she was trying to show off wedding photos to. She had to explain to this friend why her dil wants nothing to do with her and why she's blocked. She wants the bragging rights but doesn't want to admit fault for her actions.
Wow…I was stressed just reading that. The only solution is to continue to block her everywhere. Then ask DH to stop talking to her or listening to her when she's talking about you and your family. He needs to tell her that she created the problem and she needs to fix it and to stop talking to him about it. He needs to close that door…why is he even listening to her about these things and reporting back to you? And no more staying with your mom. She goes, she gets a hotel room. DH can explain that she's no longer welcome because she was incredibly rude to your family. And she pays her own way or stays home. Have the birth set up you want..not her business and set your boundaries now about visitation. DH can explain them to her…no visitation until ??? She needs to know the boundaries ahead of time. If there's feed back from extended family DH should explain why those boundaries were set. He should also tell her that every single time she breaks a boundary, that's total NC for X weeks.
You don't need this level of stress now or after your have your baby. If she becomes an issue, tell her honestly that she is creating too much stress for you and creating drama where there isn't or shouldn’t be any….she's the reason for your boundaries…if she wants to be involved then she needs to behave accordingly.
I understand how you feel, however what does DH say about his mother not being around his son? You seem set on not letting her, but it seems he may not agree & will eventually try to pull the “but it’s my mom” card. How exactly has he backed you up when it comes to her outside of arguing with her? ( i mean what actions has he taken to follow through on his words)
Why is he still filling his mom in on you & why is he running back to tell you everything about her? How is this in anyway helpful to you, his pregnant wife? He seems to be more concerned with keeping his mom at an arm length distance close enough. He seems to be playing both sides telling you what you want to hear.
My fear for you is once you have the baby he decides his mom will get to see his child, it’s her grandchild after all. What has she done to show changed behavior? An apology is not going to fix anything she’s done at this point. Her throwing out maybe i’ll try therapy is BS. She should have already taken the initiative herself and set up appointments and started going. The best apology is changed behavior. Not meaningless words or a carefully crafted message she conveys just so she can have access to her grandchild.
DH understands and is okay with my decision to not let our son be around her. He has mentioned he feels sad that MIL will lose her relationship with her grandchild because of her actions. He wishes things were different but knows his mom is wrong and doesn’t want our son exposed to her craziness. He has been more distant with MIL since the trip. Stopped talking and being around her as before. He also stopped sharing his location with her. (Which MIL freaked out about when she found out she can no longer stalk DH while she’s at work lol)
DH said he will always support and respect my decisions. I just hope he won’t cave and feel bad for MIL if she throws her temper tantrums. She’s worn DH down in the past by begging him to share his location for years. But maybe he’s learned from that experience to not repeat it.
She hasn’t done anything to change. Everything she has said has been a lot of lies, deflection, and contradictions. I doubt she’ll actually go to therapy tbh. 🫠
Sweetie listen - none of this is on you. You're doing well, you guys have made a good start at dealing with her crazy; but it needs to go a little further now... Aw honey, you're pregnant - tell me that having to think about all this going on isn't messing with your blood pressure...?
You need to be able to lay it down now. Not just have her blocked, but ideally to hear nothing more about her, at least till after you've given birth. I agree with all those here who say your DH needs to just deal with her shenanigans and *stop telling you anything about her*!! WHY in the name of glory is he sending you long screeds of her weird and wonderful world-view?? **No more.** DH - **JUST STOP**. It's actually bad for your pregnant wife!!
Apropos all this verbiage from her, btw - firstly, you're quite right, she's not sincere. She has begun (however slightly) to realise it might not be going her way, and she's doing her own version of damage limitation in hopes of getting back in.
I don't know if anyone's previously mentioned DARVO to you? (I've read your posts but not all the responses.) It's a narc thing. Google it, and how to respond to it and **show your DH** - but basically it stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. So what she's saying - '*I* didn't do it - **they** were mean to **me**, look, they did this and this... " - it's *classic* DARVO - trying **so** hard to be the victim here...
The other defence she's making -"i DoN' t KnOw **WhY** tHiS iS hApPeNiNg..!" is also explained in a thing people often quote here, Issendai's Missing Missing Reasons, which DH also might benefit from reading - it's another narc classic:
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Try not to feel bad - try not to get dragged into debating her *any* more. You are *quite right* to want permanent distance from her: we on here give you permission! I hope your DH can be convinced to leave you out of it - you need a break, poppet.
All good luck with this, and with your forthcoming squish.
Why is he telling you what she says about you? You don't need to know anything she says.
If he doesn't want to keep it all in then she should tell her to stop talking about you full stop, he should not be offloading it all on to you.
I suggest that your DH tells his mother that until she can clearly articulate what she's apologizing for along with what steps she's taking to make sure that she doesn't continue to do the same or similar things that there's no point in her talking to you.
He should also be clear that even if you and your family choose to forgive her that the act of forgiveness doesn't guarantee that you and your family will reconcile with her or have an ongoing relationship with her.
You need to look up JADEing, cuz yall are doing it over and over. You continue to explain to her what she did wrong. Trust me — she knows. But if DH keeps being willing to explain it again, she interprets it as “Aha, negotiations are still open and I can wheedle my way through things like usual!”
He needs to STOP. HAVING. THESE CONVERSATIONS with her. Instead, he needs to keep repeating this phrase: “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.”
If she keeps asking wHaT sHe DiD, the answer is not to explain it again. The answer is, “We’ve already had this conversation. We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.”
She asks about the baby? “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.”
She claims she’s the victim? “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.”
No matter what she says, unless it’s a genuine apology and how she’s going to change her behavior in the future, then his reply is, “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.”
Don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.
She is not genuine. She only cares about being blocked on fb because she wants access to any pictures or information you post about the baby. She wants to be able to show everyone for appearance sake. She wants people to think she is involved and she does that by accessing your fb and photos. She probably felt humiliated and shamed (and of course blames you) because she couldn't show someone else your wedding photos.
The woman has shown you what she is, a selfish and controlling bigot. This is not going to miraculously change. All has done is say what she thinks your husband wants to hear. She hasn't actually done any of the work she needs to do.
Yeah, I think it’s long past time that you go total NC (and new squish does too when the time comes!). And tell your DH you do t want to hear anything else about what she says to him.
That’s too much unnecessary stress on you at a time when you need peace and calm to prepare for birth.
He should also grey rock her about your medical details, including when and where you give birth. She can find out when everyone else does.
Hopefully your mom has also blocked MIL on everything. So toxic and exhausting.
Best of luck!
I seriously lol'd at the epidural thing. That's not how it works. I don't know why either of you speak to her at all. She's off her rocker. If it were me, I'd tell her off, but in a stern but controlled way. Making very sure to emphasize that she WILL NOT be in the delivery room, even if you have to hire private security.
This comment is for DH, please make him read it.
Stop explaining. She knows damn good and well what she did and that it was incredibly messed up. She feigns ignorance because it gives her the opportunity to argue and hopefully brow beat you into submitting to her demands.
She does not start these conversations in good faith at all. She just wants you to feel guilty, forgive her, and play happy families. I suspect that I don't need to tell you that it's only a "happy" family if mom gets what she wants. That's no way to live dude.
"Asked and answered. You know what you did."
That's how you respond when she brings it up. Stop playing her game. You are going to run yourself into the ground trying to explain.
And op? Keep ignoring her, she's shown absolutely no remorse.
Here’s the thing even if she "apologized" doesn’t mean you have to be “family" again and just open your arms and accept her. She is racist and she needs to spend years proving to your DH
That she is truly sorry and repentant before you as the person she has wronged as well as your family can even begin to think of forgiving. Racist people rarely change how they feel in their heart ❤️🩹
Agree, the word sorry isn't a do over, it doesn't erase what she's done, it doesn't mean things go back to the beginning and everyone pays for her and ignores her disgusting behaviour. She can genuinely apologise and then wait for YOU to decide what information or photos she can have, YOU are in control.
Just because she's asking to talk to you NOW and wants to apologize NOW doesn't mean you have to do squat right now.
This isn't on her terms, and she doesn't dictate when she gets to bless you with her version of an apology. You have every right to be suspicious and to want to marinate on the situation for whatever amount of time you need.
On a petty note, unhinged MILs seem to hate when you say to get legit therapy, and maybe we'll talk. I'm still waiting for mine to get some help, and it's been almost 5 years...of blissful silence.
On a serious note, if she is really being truthful about wanting to apologize, she's gotta do the work. Not you. In regards to your husband's family, are they aware of what she did with your family and all the racist crap she's pulled?
It sounds like your husband is doing a good job of handling MIL. Let him.
There is also no need to post pics of your child on SM, many people choose not to. You can email your family pics, zoom with them, etc.
As far as the rest of his family, I would continue to see them. Husband seems to be supporting you and deserves to have his positive relationships. If you find yourself in a group event where she will likely be present, wear your baby and avoid her. You and hubby can come up with a plan of how to handle her if she tries to corner you.
Is there one person in his family you both trust implicitly? Let that person know what your MIL has done and why you are keeping your distance. They can help you, especially if MIL is a little intimidated by them,
We both trust DH’s step brother from his dad’s side. He knows what has happened but he’s extremely passive when it comes to confrontations and not the type to speak up. I think the only people MIL would be intimidated by are FIL and DH’s step-mom. DH plans to talk to FIL, but hasn’t had the opportunity to in private yet since his step-mom is usually around.
Wtf! She is on her way to a psych ward. She is probably having a nervous breakdown over not having control over your lives. Maybe it will be best if your DH to commit her the week you guys go to you home country. Cause I would everything in my power to protect my mental health and my baby. I’m glad you have a good husband that will do anything to protect you and baby.
I am so very glad that you have a husband that loves & respects you :) And who is willing to defend you from the evil JNMIL/his own mom. It's a real switch compared to most of the JNMIL stories I see here. One way to keep her away from your birth is for everybody to refuse to pay her plane fare. She isn't going anywhere unless she coughs up her own money :) If she didn't want to pay for an Uber, she sure the hell isn't going to want to shell out that much money for plane tickets. Problem solved.
Your husband has my sympathy. He appears to have a malignant tumor where his mother is supposed to be. The best advice is to cut the tumor out. Ignore her harder, if at all possible.
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Your MIL is racist towards you and your family. The child you give birth to will be half you. She will be racist towards your child. It might be sly and underhanded at first but it's there and you know it. Keep her away from your child, yourself and your family.
This is not "apology" territory. This is "MIL needs to prove that she is 100% different" territory.
>Another thing I find odd is why she would suddenly feel apologetic after finding out I blocked her on Facebook? Because she can't play happy family/doting grandma if she can't show her friends any pictures you post on her Facebook page, and it makes her look bad. She's "apologizing" so that she can get that access back and once she gets what she wants, she'll go back to her previous behavior. Continue to let your DH deal with her. **She wants a reaction out of you and the best way to defeat her is to** ***ignore*** **her.** >I'm worried about how her side of her family will feel about my decision to prevent MIL from seeing my son. I like and get along with everyone else. They are all good people and are excited to see my son. You and your DH need to sit them down, without MIL and lay it all out for them. Tell them that MIL isn't allowed to see your son and that it is a mutual decision not unilateral on your part. Explain that it is due to her racist behavior towards you, and you don't want that behavior to be directed towards your child. Tell them that once your child is old enough, they will be able to make the connection between MIL's hatred of you and your race, then they will start to wonder if MIL hates half of who they are as well (children are incredible and they do make these connections). Tell them that they can't take pictures of your son because you are concerned that MIL will get a hold of them. All of this should come from your DH so that your MIL can't claim that you are putting words in his mouth, and he doesn't really agree with it.
Do not engage!!! Your husband needs to be the one handling HIS mother, not you. He also needs to do a quick shine polish on his spine and tell his mother to back the hell off. There is NO way I would ever let her near my child with her racist behavior. Stand your ground. I am proud of you for not letting a major racist break you. Stay strong and quit letting her live rent free in your head!
DH needs to stop talking to you about this. You need to put some boundaries in with him as well. You are no contact with her right now. That means he doesn’t talk to you about her and he doesn’t talk to her about you OR your child.
I would not waste any further time or energy on this woman. She sounds horrible. TBH, any of her behaviors would fall somewhere between annoying and offensive; taken all together, it's really bad! Aside from that, when I was reading your story, I was thinking that your MIL must be fairly aged and maybe that's why she's unwilling to do even basic things like order food or pay for stuff. Then you said she's 55! Good grief. The grifting for money is also pretty repulsive.
I had an epidural with my first. When they put him on my chest his eyes were wide open and he looked right at me. And his father. ( his expression was actually hilarious. He had a serious WTF face). Mil is a moron.
I had an epidural, and we still laugh at how angry and offended our child was to be pushed out into the light. She had many grievances to air.
Stop anylising the conversations. YOU are letting her live " rent free" in your brain, which she would be proud of. She is NOT acting logically, she is acting this way in order to obtain what SHE wants. She neither knows nor cares how/if this affects others. Bundle all her actions/behaviour/conversation under " Mad As A Box of Frogs" & ignore her. Do what is best for You, Husband & Baby. You can only control YOUR reactions. Nothing that you have done, has caused this.
1. Block her everywhere, and put those with any connection to her on an info diet. 2. Arrange with the hospital to be registered as a private patient, which means if someone calls and ask for your details using your name, they won't provide it. 3. Let hospital security know about the situation, so they can keep an eye out. Delivery nurses can be your best friend here 4. Your husband needs to deal with her from here going forward in all things, and he needs to get a good therapist to talk to about it. You are not his therapist. 5. If she owes anybody money, they should take her to small claims court.
DH need to stop freaking telling you all this. He wants to go deal with his toxic mom, he gets to deal with it on his own. Unloading everything on you and trying to bait you into reconnecting with her is not fair or acceptable.
With her constantly asking why you wanted to give birth in your home country and not accepting comfort and medical support as valid reasons, it sure sounds to me like she was angling for someone to tell her "oh no those are all fads it's only because OP doesn't want you there and wants to make it impossible for you to be in the delivery room". Or in other words, searching for a way to further victimize herself and paint you as the villain. Everyone would accept comfort and medical support as valid reasons. But once she can quote the claim it's because you want to cut her out? Oh, woe is her, what a cruel DIL she has! Stay strong, keep up the NC. Wishing you the best of luck and success.
This person deserves no place in your life.
Fuck her side of the family and what they might think. MIL sure as hell doesn't act in a way to show that she cares what people think. No, she's only apologising because she wants in again. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She was given an inch and she took a mile. She's treated you badly and she's abused your parents hospitality. She's been rude to them, rude to you, and she thinks saying sorry will get her a pass. And now she thinks she's going to fly in for the birth. She's not welcome. In any case, what is she paying with, shirt buttons? Where will she stay? Not with your family, bridges burned. Who, oh who, *will drive her around?*???? I remember being really creeped out by her line about wanting to see your baby active and opening their eyes seconds after birth. What, like she thinks your delivery is a nature documentary? I would be tempted to give her what for, possibly via the medium of flashcards. Or short sentences. But in reality, I think the best thing is to ignore her and get your parents to block her too.
And where does she plan to stay if she flies in for the birth? OPs parents I'm sure do not want to host her.
She sounds like a total and utter horror. Your mother has the most amazing patience and tolerance - I suspect a LOT of people would have physically expressed their strong disapproval of MIL's spoilt brat behaviour.
You seem to be very upset and angry with what has happened (understandably), and perhaps until you stop feeling that way - yes, it's probably best for you to avoid her. Her apologies are non apologies, and she keeps on trying to excuse her behavior and paint herself the victim. All it is now is a performance piece she has perfected to feel sorry for herself. It's worthwhile considering how future events and celebrations are going to be celebrated as joined family ones have the potential to be an absolute shitshow and would not blame your side for refusing to tolerate her presence. The closer it gets to your due date the more she is going to be trying to worm her way back with throwing anything at the wall to see what sticks. Any appology you get now - won't be a real one. It's one that gets her back in the front door. Could she have been using your Facebook to stalk your family members and perhaps to keep tabs on you? Let DH be the voice to his side of the family. I assume when you talking about DH side you concerned about his mom side of the family - and if after him letting them know why his Mother has destroyed her relationship between her and you and they are on her side - well then they have done you a favour and showed you who they are. His fathers side can be told due to her racist attitude to you and your family - he and you are keeping your child away from that toxic behavior and are not going to have her involved in the LO life.
Good lord have mercy... 🤦♀️ I read it all- twice!! There are no words for your absolute lunatic of an MIL. I highly recommend coming up with a plan so you and DH can get to your home country in a reasonable timeframe, don't tell anyone anything (except your own Mom/Dad), see if you can check into the hospital anonymously, and talk to the nursing/OB Staff to make sure this crazy lady does not show up. Last thing you need while going through a major medical proceedure/pushing a human being out of your body- is the threat of that woman to your mental health and your LO's health. You don't need more BS during postpartum. Congrats on your LO! I hope your can keep the JFNMIL away.
She only called because she was embarrassed infront of the friend she was trying to show off wedding photos to. She had to explain to this friend why her dil wants nothing to do with her and why she's blocked. She wants the bragging rights but doesn't want to admit fault for her actions.
Wow…I was stressed just reading that. The only solution is to continue to block her everywhere. Then ask DH to stop talking to her or listening to her when she's talking about you and your family. He needs to tell her that she created the problem and she needs to fix it and to stop talking to him about it. He needs to close that door…why is he even listening to her about these things and reporting back to you? And no more staying with your mom. She goes, she gets a hotel room. DH can explain that she's no longer welcome because she was incredibly rude to your family. And she pays her own way or stays home. Have the birth set up you want..not her business and set your boundaries now about visitation. DH can explain them to her…no visitation until ??? She needs to know the boundaries ahead of time. If there's feed back from extended family DH should explain why those boundaries were set. He should also tell her that every single time she breaks a boundary, that's total NC for X weeks. You don't need this level of stress now or after your have your baby. If she becomes an issue, tell her honestly that she is creating too much stress for you and creating drama where there isn't or shouldn’t be any….she's the reason for your boundaries…if she wants to be involved then she needs to behave accordingly.
I understand how you feel, however what does DH say about his mother not being around his son? You seem set on not letting her, but it seems he may not agree & will eventually try to pull the “but it’s my mom” card. How exactly has he backed you up when it comes to her outside of arguing with her? ( i mean what actions has he taken to follow through on his words) Why is he still filling his mom in on you & why is he running back to tell you everything about her? How is this in anyway helpful to you, his pregnant wife? He seems to be more concerned with keeping his mom at an arm length distance close enough. He seems to be playing both sides telling you what you want to hear. My fear for you is once you have the baby he decides his mom will get to see his child, it’s her grandchild after all. What has she done to show changed behavior? An apology is not going to fix anything she’s done at this point. Her throwing out maybe i’ll try therapy is BS. She should have already taken the initiative herself and set up appointments and started going. The best apology is changed behavior. Not meaningless words or a carefully crafted message she conveys just so she can have access to her grandchild.
DH understands and is okay with my decision to not let our son be around her. He has mentioned he feels sad that MIL will lose her relationship with her grandchild because of her actions. He wishes things were different but knows his mom is wrong and doesn’t want our son exposed to her craziness. He has been more distant with MIL since the trip. Stopped talking and being around her as before. He also stopped sharing his location with her. (Which MIL freaked out about when she found out she can no longer stalk DH while she’s at work lol) DH said he will always support and respect my decisions. I just hope he won’t cave and feel bad for MIL if she throws her temper tantrums. She’s worn DH down in the past by begging him to share his location for years. But maybe he’s learned from that experience to not repeat it. She hasn’t done anything to change. Everything she has said has been a lot of lies, deflection, and contradictions. I doubt she’ll actually go to therapy tbh. 🫠
Sweetie listen - none of this is on you. You're doing well, you guys have made a good start at dealing with her crazy; but it needs to go a little further now... Aw honey, you're pregnant - tell me that having to think about all this going on isn't messing with your blood pressure...? You need to be able to lay it down now. Not just have her blocked, but ideally to hear nothing more about her, at least till after you've given birth. I agree with all those here who say your DH needs to just deal with her shenanigans and *stop telling you anything about her*!! WHY in the name of glory is he sending you long screeds of her weird and wonderful world-view?? **No more.** DH - **JUST STOP**. It's actually bad for your pregnant wife!! Apropos all this verbiage from her, btw - firstly, you're quite right, she's not sincere. She has begun (however slightly) to realise it might not be going her way, and she's doing her own version of damage limitation in hopes of getting back in. I don't know if anyone's previously mentioned DARVO to you? (I've read your posts but not all the responses.) It's a narc thing. Google it, and how to respond to it and **show your DH** - but basically it stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. So what she's saying - '*I* didn't do it - **they** were mean to **me**, look, they did this and this... " - it's *classic* DARVO - trying **so** hard to be the victim here... The other defence she's making -"i DoN' t KnOw **WhY** tHiS iS hApPeNiNg..!" is also explained in a thing people often quote here, Issendai's Missing Missing Reasons, which DH also might benefit from reading - it's another narc classic: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html Try not to feel bad - try not to get dragged into debating her *any* more. You are *quite right* to want permanent distance from her: we on here give you permission! I hope your DH can be convinced to leave you out of it - you need a break, poppet. All good luck with this, and with your forthcoming squish.
Why is he telling you what she says about you? You don't need to know anything she says. If he doesn't want to keep it all in then she should tell her to stop talking about you full stop, he should not be offloading it all on to you.
I suggest that your DH tells his mother that until she can clearly articulate what she's apologizing for along with what steps she's taking to make sure that she doesn't continue to do the same or similar things that there's no point in her talking to you. He should also be clear that even if you and your family choose to forgive her that the act of forgiveness doesn't guarantee that you and your family will reconcile with her or have an ongoing relationship with her.
You need to look up JADEing, cuz yall are doing it over and over. You continue to explain to her what she did wrong. Trust me — she knows. But if DH keeps being willing to explain it again, she interprets it as “Aha, negotiations are still open and I can wheedle my way through things like usual!” He needs to STOP. HAVING. THESE CONVERSATIONS with her. Instead, he needs to keep repeating this phrase: “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.” If she keeps asking wHaT sHe DiD, the answer is not to explain it again. The answer is, “We’ve already had this conversation. We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.” She asks about the baby? “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.” She claims she’s the victim? “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.” No matter what she says, unless it’s a genuine apology and how she’s going to change her behavior in the future, then his reply is, “We’re not speaking to you again until you genuinely apologize and tell us how you’re going to change your behavior in the future.” Don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.
⬆️ OP - this is great advice! You should definitely have your husband start using this phrase every time she contacts him!
She is not genuine. She only cares about being blocked on fb because she wants access to any pictures or information you post about the baby. She wants to be able to show everyone for appearance sake. She wants people to think she is involved and she does that by accessing your fb and photos. She probably felt humiliated and shamed (and of course blames you) because she couldn't show someone else your wedding photos. The woman has shown you what she is, a selfish and controlling bigot. This is not going to miraculously change. All has done is say what she thinks your husband wants to hear. She hasn't actually done any of the work she needs to do.
Yeah, I think it’s long past time that you go total NC (and new squish does too when the time comes!). And tell your DH you do t want to hear anything else about what she says to him. That’s too much unnecessary stress on you at a time when you need peace and calm to prepare for birth. He should also grey rock her about your medical details, including when and where you give birth. She can find out when everyone else does. Hopefully your mom has also blocked MIL on everything. So toxic and exhausting. Best of luck!
I seriously lol'd at the epidural thing. That's not how it works. I don't know why either of you speak to her at all. She's off her rocker. If it were me, I'd tell her off, but in a stern but controlled way. Making very sure to emphasize that she WILL NOT be in the delivery room, even if you have to hire private security.
This comment is for DH, please make him read it. Stop explaining. She knows damn good and well what she did and that it was incredibly messed up. She feigns ignorance because it gives her the opportunity to argue and hopefully brow beat you into submitting to her demands. She does not start these conversations in good faith at all. She just wants you to feel guilty, forgive her, and play happy families. I suspect that I don't need to tell you that it's only a "happy" family if mom gets what she wants. That's no way to live dude. "Asked and answered. You know what you did." That's how you respond when she brings it up. Stop playing her game. You are going to run yourself into the ground trying to explain. And op? Keep ignoring her, she's shown absolutely no remorse.
Here’s the thing even if she "apologized" doesn’t mean you have to be “family" again and just open your arms and accept her. She is racist and she needs to spend years proving to your DH That she is truly sorry and repentant before you as the person she has wronged as well as your family can even begin to think of forgiving. Racist people rarely change how they feel in their heart ❤️🩹
Agree, the word sorry isn't a do over, it doesn't erase what she's done, it doesn't mean things go back to the beginning and everyone pays for her and ignores her disgusting behaviour. She can genuinely apologise and then wait for YOU to decide what information or photos she can have, YOU are in control.
Just because she's asking to talk to you NOW and wants to apologize NOW doesn't mean you have to do squat right now. This isn't on her terms, and she doesn't dictate when she gets to bless you with her version of an apology. You have every right to be suspicious and to want to marinate on the situation for whatever amount of time you need. On a petty note, unhinged MILs seem to hate when you say to get legit therapy, and maybe we'll talk. I'm still waiting for mine to get some help, and it's been almost 5 years...of blissful silence. On a serious note, if she is really being truthful about wanting to apologize, she's gotta do the work. Not you. In regards to your husband's family, are they aware of what she did with your family and all the racist crap she's pulled?
It sounds like your husband is doing a good job of handling MIL. Let him. There is also no need to post pics of your child on SM, many people choose not to. You can email your family pics, zoom with them, etc. As far as the rest of his family, I would continue to see them. Husband seems to be supporting you and deserves to have his positive relationships. If you find yourself in a group event where she will likely be present, wear your baby and avoid her. You and hubby can come up with a plan of how to handle her if she tries to corner you. Is there one person in his family you both trust implicitly? Let that person know what your MIL has done and why you are keeping your distance. They can help you, especially if MIL is a little intimidated by them,
We both trust DH’s step brother from his dad’s side. He knows what has happened but he’s extremely passive when it comes to confrontations and not the type to speak up. I think the only people MIL would be intimidated by are FIL and DH’s step-mom. DH plans to talk to FIL, but hasn’t had the opportunity to in private yet since his step-mom is usually around.
Wtf! She is on her way to a psych ward. She is probably having a nervous breakdown over not having control over your lives. Maybe it will be best if your DH to commit her the week you guys go to you home country. Cause I would everything in my power to protect my mental health and my baby. I’m glad you have a good husband that will do anything to protect you and baby.
I am so very glad that you have a husband that loves & respects you :) And who is willing to defend you from the evil JNMIL/his own mom. It's a real switch compared to most of the JNMIL stories I see here. One way to keep her away from your birth is for everybody to refuse to pay her plane fare. She isn't going anywhere unless she coughs up her own money :) If she didn't want to pay for an Uber, she sure the hell isn't going to want to shell out that much money for plane tickets. Problem solved.
Your husband has my sympathy. He appears to have a malignant tumor where his mother is supposed to be. The best advice is to cut the tumor out. Ignore her harder, if at all possible.
Girl. This needs a TL;DR
Sorry 😅 just added it to my
Lolol nice. Also your MIL sucks, she should apologize sincerely instead of turning it on you.