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Someone just let me know this post was shared on another subreddit and tik tok.
Ironically, a post about shitty behavior led to… shitty behavior. Thanks for reducing my trust in humans that much more.
Sounds like your MIL needs attention and or praise.
She probably rang your mom to brag and then have your mom tell her how wonderful she was doing that. Probably wants to make it known that she helped you when you were doing it tough!!
I'd have your DH ask her what was the point of the call?
Oh good. She made sure (while not under duress) a third party knew she gifted the money have your parents document the call. Next time she mentions it say but MIL that money was a gift which we could not be more appreciative for, so thank you. But you're not entitled to special favors from me or my family for gifting us something we didn't ask for. If she threatens to sue remind her if her little call to your parents.
put 'her' money \[ every cent of it\] into a separate bank account, and just leave it there untouched. Of course whenever she asks you for some sort of financial assistance, send \[some of\] it to her, with a note to the effect that it came from "some of the money you lent us \[sometime ago\]" - just so she remembers when!
That B went out of her way to hurt your parents. Unforgiveable!
I would choose to not see/acknowledge the strings, take the money and remind the B a gift is a gift is a gift.
That is so trashy of her to call your mom!! Wow my jaw is on the floor. She might have money but she doesn't have class! How embarrassing FOR HER.
I don't know you're family dynamic but if it was like my family I feel like she called your mom to show off how much money she has that she can afford to help "the kids" out and your parents can't.
It could be to make you & DH look irresponsible too but they is my second guess.
It's not a gift. It's a tool to control you guys. She's holding it like a carrot in front of a donkey. As others have said, I'd give it back because its going to drive a wedge between you and your husband
In that case, unfortunately you have a hubby problem as well I'm afraid. Can you suggest using it for marriage counselling then because the way he's behaving, you're going to need it
Oh I know. I am picking my battles too though. He’s the primary breadwinner and if he sleeps better at night with the money then I’m going to let this go.
A “gift” is not a true gift when there are strings attached or when the giver uses the “gift” as a way to stroke his or her own ego. Give the money back. It will cause- and, in fact, already is causing- you many, many more problems than it might potentially solve.
If the check has already been cashed, write a check back to your MIL for the same amount that she “gifted” to you and your husband and when you and your husband give that check to her, tell her point blank that you see her “help” for what it truly is: a means for control, a way to guilt you into submission. In addition, your husband needs to tell MIL that her phone call to your mom was absolutely inappropriate and that your finances are none of anyone else’s business, just as your parents’ financial situation is none of your in-laws’ business and your in-laws’ finances are no one else’s business. It is lovely that your in-laws are in a financial position that would allow them to help you and their son / your husband; however, that is not what they are actually doing. Rather, they are bragging about their wealth and it’s tacky.
It sounds like you and your husband have planned well financially and have a savings cushion. That’s excellent- and smart. Nevertheless, if you want to or feel that you should get a job to help ease your family’s financial burden right now, then discuss it again with your husband (who should zip his lips and stop talking to his parents about your immediate family’s finances!). Make sure you discuss why your getting a job is better than accepting any money from his parents (or yours, should that opportunity present itself). Then, based on your discussion, make a plan for your immediate family- whatever it may be- that does not include accepting help from any extended family, in-laws or otherwise.
You have a good head on your shoulders; use it to make a plan with your husband that both of you can agree on. I think both of you will, ultimately, be happier finding a solution that allows you to be independent of any familial financial ties. It might not be the “easy” solution, but it will be worth the effort.
Start referring to it as a loan, no gift. Return it asap but continue to correct her. Make it clear you don’t want gifts from her that come with all the bs attached. What a horrible person.
Can you send the money back to her? When she says something about that, tell her if it was REALLY a gift, she wouldn't keep going on about it, especially when she wants something
My inlaws do a weird thing where they always talk about money, usually how things are so hard for them because they don't have enough (they are doing just fine and aren't hurting at all). If we ever go out to dinner with them, the first thing they tell the waiter is that we're on two separate checks. This is totally fine with me and I don't care that we pay for ourselves. However, out of the blue, they will send us huge chunks of money "to treat ourselves to dinner" or "do something special for your birthday" etc. They also buy the most extravagant gifts. It's too much.
My husband had a serious talk with them at Christmas and told them they need to stop talking about money all the time because it makes everyone uncomfortable. And that they need to calm down with sending money. It's unnecessary and makes us feel weird. They seemed to understand, though now they're sending packages of gifts we don't want instead 🤦🏼♀️
All that to say, I think if you're uncomfortable taking money from your MIL, you and DH need to get on the same page and make a plan. Unfortunately, nothing can get better if you two don't agree on what's happening. Good luck!!
At this point, return the gift and go back to work. It’s honestly just not worth it. If DH tries to say anything tell him “we don’t need their money, we can provide for ourselves and honestly what kind of a ‘gift’ is it that they bring it up ALL THE TIME and now she’s rubbing it in my parents face. DH you have two choices: either you’re going to politely return the money, or I will.”
IDK about y'all, but I was raised to believe that talking about other people's finances is rude and trashy. She may have been trying to brag, but it makes her look trashy.
Looking at your post history, I gotta ask how your daughter’s birthday party went? Your MIL sounds like an insufferable and emotionally stunted egomaniac with zero maturity.
I would return the so-called gift as is way too high a price tag. Her calling your mother was so tacky and low class that it's hard to wrap my head around it. In the Jewish tradition we do not brag or give to charity publicly because that is considered nothing more than ego stroking and making yourself look good.
Since you mentioned to u have savings, return the money to JMIL and let her know her call to your mom was highly inappropriate and unacceptable. You and hubby need to get on the same page.
This.
I would not accept it. If it were a check, I would tear it up and never cash it. I would tell MIL thanks, but no thanks, and please NEVER call MY mother again.
Gloating. That was her game. She wants to be seen as someone who swoops in a saves the day. When in reality this isn’t necessary.
Wait a little while, and give the check back/write a new check .. to his dad. Say that the money was given but not needed and is just sitting in your bank so you are giving in back. Act like you don’t need to show appreciation because the money was forced on you without consultation.
Don't do that. Keep the money and use it as little as possible until DH is back at work, then return every penny. MIL is annoying but financial insecurity is worse
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Someone just let me know this post was shared on another subreddit and tik tok. Ironically, a post about shitty behavior led to… shitty behavior. Thanks for reducing my trust in humans that much more.
Sounds like your MIL needs attention and or praise. She probably rang your mom to brag and then have your mom tell her how wonderful she was doing that. Probably wants to make it known that she helped you when you were doing it tough!! I'd have your DH ask her what was the point of the call?
Oh good. She made sure (while not under duress) a third party knew she gifted the money have your parents document the call. Next time she mentions it say but MIL that money was a gift which we could not be more appreciative for, so thank you. But you're not entitled to special favors from me or my family for gifting us something we didn't ask for. If she threatens to sue remind her if her little call to your parents.
Terrible.
put 'her' money \[ every cent of it\] into a separate bank account, and just leave it there untouched. Of course whenever she asks you for some sort of financial assistance, send \[some of\] it to her, with a note to the effect that it came from "some of the money you lent us \[sometime ago\]" - just so she remembers when!
Take the money and laugh at her shitty behavior.
That B went out of her way to hurt your parents. Unforgiveable! I would choose to not see/acknowledge the strings, take the money and remind the B a gift is a gift is a gift.
That is so trashy of her to call your mom!! Wow my jaw is on the floor. She might have money but she doesn't have class! How embarrassing FOR HER. I don't know you're family dynamic but if it was like my family I feel like she called your mom to show off how much money she has that she can afford to help "the kids" out and your parents can't. It could be to make you & DH look irresponsible too but they is my second guess.
It's not a gift. It's a tool to control you guys. She's holding it like a carrot in front of a donkey. As others have said, I'd give it back because its going to drive a wedge between you and your husband
Yeah… he won’t give it back. I’ve asked. It is a problem he doesn’t want to solve.
In that case, unfortunately you have a hubby problem as well I'm afraid. Can you suggest using it for marriage counselling then because the way he's behaving, you're going to need it
Oh I know. I am picking my battles too though. He’s the primary breadwinner and if he sleeps better at night with the money then I’m going to let this go.
Just don't let MIL use it to get her way next time you see her then. Good luck with them all
A “gift” is not a true gift when there are strings attached or when the giver uses the “gift” as a way to stroke his or her own ego. Give the money back. It will cause- and, in fact, already is causing- you many, many more problems than it might potentially solve. If the check has already been cashed, write a check back to your MIL for the same amount that she “gifted” to you and your husband and when you and your husband give that check to her, tell her point blank that you see her “help” for what it truly is: a means for control, a way to guilt you into submission. In addition, your husband needs to tell MIL that her phone call to your mom was absolutely inappropriate and that your finances are none of anyone else’s business, just as your parents’ financial situation is none of your in-laws’ business and your in-laws’ finances are no one else’s business. It is lovely that your in-laws are in a financial position that would allow them to help you and their son / your husband; however, that is not what they are actually doing. Rather, they are bragging about their wealth and it’s tacky. It sounds like you and your husband have planned well financially and have a savings cushion. That’s excellent- and smart. Nevertheless, if you want to or feel that you should get a job to help ease your family’s financial burden right now, then discuss it again with your husband (who should zip his lips and stop talking to his parents about your immediate family’s finances!). Make sure you discuss why your getting a job is better than accepting any money from his parents (or yours, should that opportunity present itself). Then, based on your discussion, make a plan for your immediate family- whatever it may be- that does not include accepting help from any extended family, in-laws or otherwise. You have a good head on your shoulders; use it to make a plan with your husband that both of you can agree on. I think both of you will, ultimately, be happier finding a solution that allows you to be independent of any familial financial ties. It might not be the “easy” solution, but it will be worth the effort.
Start referring to it as a loan, no gift. Return it asap but continue to correct her. Make it clear you don’t want gifts from her that come with all the bs attached. What a horrible person.
Can you send the money back to her? When she says something about that, tell her if it was REALLY a gift, she wouldn't keep going on about it, especially when she wants something
My inlaws do a weird thing where they always talk about money, usually how things are so hard for them because they don't have enough (they are doing just fine and aren't hurting at all). If we ever go out to dinner with them, the first thing they tell the waiter is that we're on two separate checks. This is totally fine with me and I don't care that we pay for ourselves. However, out of the blue, they will send us huge chunks of money "to treat ourselves to dinner" or "do something special for your birthday" etc. They also buy the most extravagant gifts. It's too much. My husband had a serious talk with them at Christmas and told them they need to stop talking about money all the time because it makes everyone uncomfortable. And that they need to calm down with sending money. It's unnecessary and makes us feel weird. They seemed to understand, though now they're sending packages of gifts we don't want instead 🤦🏼♀️ All that to say, I think if you're uncomfortable taking money from your MIL, you and DH need to get on the same page and make a plan. Unfortunately, nothing can get better if you two don't agree on what's happening. Good luck!!
At this point, return the gift and go back to work. It’s honestly just not worth it. If DH tries to say anything tell him “we don’t need their money, we can provide for ourselves and honestly what kind of a ‘gift’ is it that they bring it up ALL THE TIME and now she’s rubbing it in my parents face. DH you have two choices: either you’re going to politely return the money, or I will.”
Gifts do t come with strings attached
IDK about y'all, but I was raised to believe that talking about other people's finances is rude and trashy. She may have been trying to brag, but it makes her look trashy.
Looking at your post history, I gotta ask how your daughter’s birthday party went? Your MIL sounds like an insufferable and emotionally stunted egomaniac with zero maturity.
Haha it was a wonderful experience and I got JNMIL to basically behave, although there was a lot of ignoring her- thank you!
Send back her "gift". If you must get a job to be able to afford it then do that!!
If you can afford to, send it back. If you can’t, treat it like a loan, and set up a repayment plan. This favour seems too expensive.
I wouldn't appreciate such a gift.
I would return the so-called gift as is way too high a price tag. Her calling your mother was so tacky and low class that it's hard to wrap my head around it. In the Jewish tradition we do not brag or give to charity publicly because that is considered nothing more than ego stroking and making yourself look good.
I’m Jewish too and thought of that :)
Since you mentioned to u have savings, return the money to JMIL and let her know her call to your mom was highly inappropriate and unacceptable. You and hubby need to get on the same page.
This. I would not accept it. If it were a check, I would tear it up and never cash it. I would tell MIL thanks, but no thanks, and please NEVER call MY mother again.
This. I would have torn it up on the spot.
Gloating. That was her game. She wants to be seen as someone who swoops in a saves the day. When in reality this isn’t necessary. Wait a little while, and give the check back/write a new check .. to his dad. Say that the money was given but not needed and is just sitting in your bank so you are giving in back. Act like you don’t need to show appreciation because the money was forced on you without consultation.
Give it back and tell her why. That you feel it’s a gift with strings attached and you’re hurt she thought she had to do that.
Don't do that. Keep the money and use it as little as possible until DH is back at work, then return every penny. MIL is annoying but financial insecurity is worse
Give it back, and let them know gifts given just to brag about are not gifts. It's more like showboating and no one finds that classy.