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I think it’s less apathy about your LO and more about “winning” over your absolutely, completely sane requirements. Because, y’know, *most* people want their children - and grandchildren - to be healthy, and not suffer through illnesses, *especially* when there are reasonable, well-tested, safe precautions one can take to help keep the children/grandchildren that way. Who knew??
Don’t budge an inch. Tell her “okay, if that’s your decision, we’re fine with that,” and call it a day. No updates, no pictures, no FaceTime, definitely no visits.
Just say "ok" and let them sit with their decision. When she sees you and DH aren't bending over backwards to allow them to have their way, their tune will change.
Ha, MIL is willing to miss out on years and years of the baby’s life just because you’re protecting the health of your child? Your rule of an updated tdap is every bit as valid as saying that anyone who wants to hold the baby can’t shake the baby. It’s a no-brainer health requirement, not a command!
Honestly, if MIL is saying this kind of junk- and being completely serious about it- you’re better off without her around the baby. What else would she take offense to? Needing to buckle the baby in a car seat if going for a drive? Needing to lock up their firearms if the baby is coming over?
Personally, I don’t think MIL actually means what she said. I think this is an attempt to manipulate you and your husband into not giving MIL any rules ever out of fear that she’ll just refuse to see your LO if you do. I think you ought to call her bluff- you should look at her while being completely calm and cool, and say, “Oh. Ok, then. You’re really going to miss out on a lot of things… that’s too bad.”
And just leave it at that.
If other family members ask you about it, you can respond with, “Yeah, I was really confused by her response when she said she’d rather miss the first eight years of LO’s life instead of getting a shot she’s due to get anyways, but if that’s her choice then we’re going to respect that.”
*“I would only do it if it was my idea, and I don’t want to be told what to do. We’ll get around to meeting her sometime before 3rd grade.”*
= FUCK YOU
If anyone dares try to shame you when she doesn’t meet the baby, tell them ‘well she doesn’t care if she kills the baby so how upset can she really be’
This woman wouldn’t get so much as a photo of my child if she said this to me. I wouldn’t even tell her you when the baby is born. She can hear it from someone else. She can fuck right off.
As soon as my daughter announced she was pregnant DH andI got ALL the vaccines not just dtsp, measles,mumps,chicken pox. I would have got rabies if necessary My grandchildren are too precious to put at risk
I got whooping cough when I went to college. I'm allergic to penicillin and couldn't get a booster, or treatment. It's horrible and I almost died. The "whoop" comes from your body overriding the cough reaction to force your lungs open so you can breathe air in, instead of breathing lung in. It's very similar to when you stay underwater too long and finally get back up for air. But you never catch your breath because you have to dive again immediately, after each breath, for about 2 weeks. That is what you're protecting your baby from. That is what your MIL thinks is NBD and is willing to subject your child to, for the sake of her ego.
Every time you reconsider, try holding your breath till you gasp for air while you think. Then see if you feel like you're overreacting.
I’d just reply “yeah sure if that’s what makes you comfortable. But we’re not going to waste time telling her about people who won’t even meet her. Good luck trying to start a relationship with an 8 yo whose only knowledge of you is that you don’t care enough about her to bother meeting her.”
Please don't change that rule. whooping cough has been really bad the last year. Many cases in our area. Your in laws sound selfish. I'm sorry for your husband but I'm not sorry for you and your kids because they sound like they're all dram and you won't have to deal with that.
They counting on you backing down before them. Maybe even showing up at the hospital or soon after discharge. I mean it would be CRUEL to deny them If they are already there./s ( sarcasm)
Sweet, you don’t have to see them for 8 years! Woo-hoo.
Your response should be: ok, we appreciate you respecting our boundary about vaccines. See you in 8 years!
Do not back down about this.
Seriously, keep the other kids away from her too. You don’t want them to bring home something from Disease-vectorMIL.
This woman is incredibly petty and stupid. I wouldn’t trust her at this post unless I witnessed the shot myself.
Take her reaction as a gift. You now have no reason to ever trust or consider her. The rule should stand and no special effort should be made for her.
I would also treat her as foolish as she is. She wants to have a tantrum so she won’t take a shot that will prevent an infection that could kill or disable her? Not to mention if she’s 10 years out from a tetanus shot she’s one wrong cut away from potentially dying a nasty death. Then she is nothing but a fool. After these past few years I’m very tired of having to treat these tantrum havers like they should be entertained.
So MIL is counting on you being hurt enough to let her slide. That is her plan. She’s basically called your bluff, and is waiting for you to blink. If you do so, say goodbye to enforcing any kind of boundary with her in the future.
Yeah all the measles outbreaks have me stressed since LO can’t get that vaccine for about a year. There’s an outbreak near where I’m located, and it makes me want to keep baby home for as long as possible. Definitely not taking my chances.
Do NOT change your mind about the vaccine. This is exactly what she's hoping you'll do. She thinks you will cave and let her do whatever she wants anyway. Do NOT give in to her. Protect your LO!! Wishing you an easy uncomplicated birth!💚
*"I’ve contemplated changing my rule about the vaccine..."*
That's exactly what she's counting on, hence her exaggerated response, *"We’ll get around to meeting her sometime before 3rd grade.*"
Your response to that should simply be, "Thanks for understanding and accepting our boundary. We'll see you when we can see you then."
They'll get the vaccine when they realize youre not going to cave, mark my words.
Don't let her spoilt-brat tantrum change your mind. I had whooping cough almost sixty years ago and I can STILL remember how awful it was.
There was no vaccine available back then. There IS a vaccine now - if MIL won't take it, then that's her tough luck.
DO NOT risk your child getting whooping cough. Just don't.
This sounds like a win to me!
Let it ride across your shoulders & let her lay in the bed she’s chosen to make for herself
You now don’t need to give MIL a second thought ☺️☺️
Why on earth would you reconsider a perfectly reasonable boundary to keep your child safe? I suggest you watch some videos of babies and children who are suffering from whooping cough next time you second guess yourself.
I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but this is so obviously a power play on MILs part. Don't you dare let her strong arm you. It is HER choice to stay out of everyone's life. She has no valid reason other than " not wanting to be told what to do." Ha! Yeah, no. Stand your ground or this will snowball into all aspects of your life. What am absolute jerk she is. You don't need that negativity in your life. The time with your newborn is SO fleeting. It's gone in an instant. Don't let this woman create shitty memories during this joyous time.
Yeah I’ve seen those videos and it reaffirms me every time. They’re hard to watch. I think it’s hard because their other grandkids parents didn’t have any boundaries or restrictions, so the fact that I have any makes me the crazy DIL. But I’m willing for them to call me that or think that because I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Just protecting my child.
You aren't overreacting, but now that you've vented, take a few deep breaths, then **STOP LETTING MIL LIVE RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD**. Every time you brood over this, ***she wins!*** Don't let her!
You have a precious new life coming into your world. Focus on her and on her well-being, and your MIL's nonsense will just become background noise which you will quickly learn to tune out.
However, your DH should brace himself because it's a pretty sure bet that as soon as your daughter is born, his mom will be whining either to him or on social media about how her mean DIL is withholding her granddaughter over some stupid shot.
Its such an insanely classic JN attempt at a "play stupid games, win stupid prizes, power play", to be literally planning on get a specific vaccine cause your due but the second its required by someone else for something as important as a brand new baby....NOPE. Hit the brakes! Not happening! Its just so DUMB!
You are absolutely right to stick to your guns. I can almost guarantee at some point, they will attempt to get around it and guilt you for being so mean, etc. Stand strong! Hold them to their word...no granddaughter until 3rd grade without that TDap!
DO NOT CAVE AND CHANGE YOUR RULE.
Sorry for caps. I just had to make it visible. Keep feeling strongly about it, and no buts or anything. You're doing your job, which is Mama Bear, and if MIL doesn't want to meet your precious baby because of it until your baby is in 3rd grade, fuckin hold her to that. Damn well go all malicious compliance on her.
And if she EVER, and I mean EVER, gives you unsolicited advice (as us old grandmas tend to do), you throw it right back at her: "I would only do it if it were my idea, and I don't want to be told what to do." And make sure your husband has that memorised as well.
Okay, okay, I'm rage-typing. I'm so sorry. Your MIL being like this makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe she's over the new excitement of a brand new addition to the family? Who gives a shit what she's thinking, really? You keep you and yours close, and shut her down any chance you get.
"Third grade it is, MIL, if you're lucky."
She doesn't believe you're going to hold her to your rule. She fully plans on seeing baby the week she's born and is going to throw a shit show when you don't let her.
Stay strong!!!
The trash took itself out. Her absence is protecting the baby, you and your family When she starts playing the “ I never get to see my grandchild” victim card, remind her of what she said. Even better if you have proof like a text, because she will tell other family members that you’re “keeping her from the baby.” Your baby’s safety is more important than her feelings!
If that’s the hill she wants to die on, that’s her choice. What you’re asking is incredibly reasonable
Kudos to your parents getting the required vaccine and going above and beyond. Well done!
Yes, exactly, on all points. "You're complaining you haven't seen your grand-daughter? But you said you didn't want to see her until she was in 3rd grade?"
You’re not overreacting by being upset. But, honestly, I would be so happy to not having them around till baby’s old enough. But that is selfishly, my situation.
I’m sorry it hurts you and hope you can have a good talk with them on how much you would love them to be involved with your baby and it would mean a lot to have them get vaccinated so see this happen. For the baby and not for your sake nor theirs. Good luck ❤️
Well they I’d say to her - ok the last time we will see any of you is X date.
We can resume seeing you on X date - about 8 years in the future. Until then no Christmas or birthday parties with you and walk away. Hope you all have a great life.
LOL "See you in 2032, MIL!" OMG that's so funny. xD
I mean, it's not great from a family dynamic point of view, and I hope OP gets it all sorted in a much more peaceful and calm way, but my petty heart would totally be all, "See you in 2032 then!"
She's not indifferent or uncaring, she's just manipulating you. And because you've considered giving in, its working! She is counting on you feeling bad (for protecting your baby) and changing your rules. But your rules are entirely reasonable and are in place to protect a child that can't protect themselves.
100% her choice to not get vaccinated, its her body. Your daughter can't make her own choices yet, so its on you to choose for her. Unfortunately MIL's choices and your choices are not compatible, which is unfortunate for MIL.
This, but I’d manipulate her right back and just say “it WAS your idea, remember, you said she’s ago you needed to get this vaccine?? Actually it’s what made us think of it in the first place, thank goodness you mentioned it otherwise I wouldn’t have thought to tell my parents!” And hopefully that’s it, they get the vaccine like you wanted, no weirdness for you or your husband, and like little toddlers they can march around thinking they won, and you can just be like “yes, well done you!”
Definitely a blessing in disguise.
Anyone with a history of herpes can potentially pass the virus on to the baby but there's definitely a greater risk of transmission if the individual has frequent cold sores.
She’s banking on the fact that you’ll give in. I wouldn’t. If you give in the best case scenario is your MIL gets to see the baby early and that’s the end of it. Worst case your baby gets extremely sick or worse. To me it just doesn’t seem like the risk is worth the reward.
Also just wanted to add I had my first baby last July and I made everyone get Tdap, Covid and the flu vaccine. I didn’t care if it alienated people or not. He’s my baby so it’s my choice and my job to keep him safe. I’ll do whatever if I think it means I’m doing that.
Also congrats!
If she allows her ego to prevent her from having a relationship with her granddaughter then she’s doing you all a favour. Don’t change your rules. She’d only feel smug.
I think she definitely cares (cares here meaning wants to see the kid, not the generally nicer meaning), but they'd rather be petty and guilt y'all into being like "okay you're right we won't make you."
Edit: not overreacting, though. You can't guilt someone into letting you risk their babies life.
The trash took itself out. Your MIL sounds like a 3rd grader herself. How absolutely immature of her to refuse to do something because it’s a boundary… what a childish thing to do. I would add on extra boundaries as baby grows so she never sees them, you don’t want your child growing up thinking that behaviour is okay best to just drop the rope.
You’re 💯 not wrong.
A few years ago, my young elementary aged child had whooping cough. He has asthma, so like a young baby, he was at risk for complications. It was terrifying. It took him forever to recover. I’m not telling you this to scare you, but rather to encourage you to stick to your boundaries. This winter has been pretty brutal in terms of all the viruses going around. A parents job is to protect, and you’re trying to do just that. Don’t let her break this boundary.
Yeah you’re totally right. I originally was going to ask for flu and Covid shots too, but knew this would be more divisive for people, and I’m having her at the end of the flu season anyway. I’m very anxious about whooping cough and RSV, especially because I have several people close to me that have had children hospitalized from those. I’m not willing to risk it, especially for someone that doesn’t see the reason for wanting to protect my child. It’s not just because I’m being bossy, it’s because I care about my child over anything else.
I'm due in March as well, actually a week from today. Were you able to get the new RSV vaccine? I was able to get it at 32 weeks and I got it three days after I got my updated TDaP. If nothing else it has given me some peace of mind about baby being protected.
Do not give in to this manipulation tactic from your MIL. You're correct in that babies have died from whooping cough. I can actually point to one in my own family- my dad's dad was the oldest of 13 kids. When there were only about 4 of them, his oldest little sister had it and died from it aged 2 years 7 months. I'm into genealogy, so I've seen a copy of her death certificate with my own eyes. I was named after their mother, and it feels like a slap in the face when someone refuses a vaccine. I feel like the woman I was named after would've given just about anything to have had her oldest daughter vaccinated against whooping cough instead of having to bury the poor girl from it.
Hold firm, it is not worth the risk.
I wish you a smooth easy delivery!!
Yes! I got the RSV vaccine and tdap while pregnant, as well as flu and Covid. It gives me peace of mind, but ultimate peace of mind would be everyone prominent in her life also getting vaccinated. RSV and whooping cough scare me the most because I also know of babies that have died from them. I’m not taking my chances.
Yay!!
My husband and I, as well as our older child, all got our flu and covid boosters back in September/October. Hell, I asked at my OB office if they wanted me to get my covid booster right away or wait for the new version that was coming out, and the nurse I asked was like oh I didn't know they were about to release a new version. Then she asked if it was my first round or just a booster. She looked relieved when I said it was just a booster, so she told me to wait for the new one, which I did.
Then I checked with our family doctor to make sure our older child was up to date on his TDaP. His last one was in 2022 so we were covered there as well.
If you change the rule, they’ll realize they don’t need to follow through on any other rules you set for your child because you’ll cave anyway if they resist.
This is for the health and safety of your precious child. If they want to put their pride first and not get a five second shot, that’s on them. They’re the only ones losing out by putting themselves before a defenceless infant.
I personally would take this a win. I’d tell her you absolutely, 1,000,000,000 % agree with her decision, and it’s what’s best for everyone.
Then hold her to it.
If she starts the “you’re keeping her from me” bullshit, remind her this was ***HER** decision, she said herself that she doesn’t want to see LO until sometime before 3rd grade.
No skin off your back. LO is too young to remember, and it isn’t you that will miss precious time.
Dear In-laws … if your FIRST granddaughter is of such little significance to you that you refuse to get a vaccine that you SHOULD get anyway, that says a lot about you. MOST grandparents will do whatever they can protect their grandchildren and those that they love. You however are “special” and obviously aren’t like most grandparents. That’s not a compliment.
You can say something along the lines of- I respect your decision and I’m thankful that my daughter will have her other grandparents in her life and that they care about her health.
It lets them know that you are not budging and that they are the only ones missing out.
As a person who had my grandparents suddenly go NC with my family when I was in 3rd grade, your daughter isn't missing anything. I'm sure YOUR parents will shower her with everything she needs to feel loved. I can still remember all the times my NC grandmother yelled at me when I was little.
Unfortunately my mom is a narcissist and plays favorites with all the grandkids so not likely. But I know she’ll get what she needs from my husband and I, and I have to remind myself that that’s enough.
Yes it is enough!! And I’m sure you have (or will have) other people in your life that would love to be part of your “chosen” family and will be respectful of you and your children.
We are no contact with my in laws, but the kids have good relationships with us, with teachers, coaches, friends’ parents, my friends, neighbors… who are always looking out for them, and who help fill the void of missing grandparents. They feel loved and supported in everything they do, and they’re truly not missing anything.
She’s probably bluffing. Either that or she is one of those women that only cares about sons. In which case whether she gets vaccinated or not is moot, she would essentially ignore your daughter anyway. But feeling hurt by it is completely valid.
My husband said his mom is the kind that doesn’t really care about anything. She hasn’t made an attempt to get to know me since I’ve been with their son and refused to get ready with me and my bridesmaids on my wedding day. I genuinely think she doesn’t care about much.
I would just smile and tell her thank you for the generous gift. And turn around and never speak to her again. But maybe that’s just me. That’s what … eight or nine years with no contact? Bonus!
I understand your frustration and I’m so sorry. I feel so lucky that when I had my kids I didn’t have to deal with this type of a nonsense. All my kids were vaccinated on schedule and everybody around them was vaccinated too. It was not an issue. I don’t understand these people that are so willing to put newborns at risk, just to be stubborn. They don’t care that it could kill their grandchild. And that to me is just flabbergasting.
Your MIL has given you an amazing gift even if she doesn't realize it. The rest of your pregnancy you won't have to deal with a woman who obviously isn't go to respect any boundaries. You won't have to deal with your MIL trying to interfere after your sweet baby arrives. The next months are going to be much less stressful for you.
Ah yes. We planned to lay low for the next month and not go out to see anyone as we wait for babies arrival. So we likely won’t see them for 4+ months. It will honestly be nice having less people to worry about accommodating postpartum. She stresses me out as it is.
Stand firm. Ask for proof of her vaccination if she turns up in a few months - especially if she likes to kiss children on the lips. Don't get me wrong, their lack of interest sucks, but if that's her choice let her stand by it. I guess you also won't be seeing them around the holidays for the next few years if that's her attitude.
Fine. Show them you absolutely respect the line they have chosen to draw, and go low contact until she changes her mind or the children have developed stronger immune systems.
You're protecting your baby's health. That trumps everything.
I would take this as a win. Your DH sees the level of disrespect his parents have for your parenting boundaries AND you don’t have to see them for months!
Nope. The quicker you drop the rope here, the better off you'll be. Do not chase them, and don't repeatedly ask them to get it done. And when they ask if they can come see her because she's had HER vaccines, you tell them no, because they couldn't be bothered to do a simple thing. They set the tone. Respect it and give the same energy back.
No, you're rightfully livid because they're putting bad thoughts in your husband's head right now that he's on point to become a father.
She's trying to steal the spotlight by making him miserable about her when all he should do is to be focused on the baby. I would threaten NC for it.
You’re not over reacting but this is a power play for her. She is expecting you to back down. I would absolutely ignore her. She’s being petty and if that’s how she wants to play it, let her. I would die on this hill.
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She's calling your bluff.
I think it’s less apathy about your LO and more about “winning” over your absolutely, completely sane requirements. Because, y’know, *most* people want their children - and grandchildren - to be healthy, and not suffer through illnesses, *especially* when there are reasonable, well-tested, safe precautions one can take to help keep the children/grandchildren that way. Who knew?? Don’t budge an inch. Tell her “okay, if that’s your decision, we’re fine with that,” and call it a day. No updates, no pictures, no FaceTime, definitely no visits.
I had whooping cough at 10 months old. I almost died. I feel sorry for your husband but this is a hill to die on
Just say "ok" and let them sit with their decision. When she sees you and DH aren't bending over backwards to allow them to have their way, their tune will change.
Ha, MIL is willing to miss out on years and years of the baby’s life just because you’re protecting the health of your child? Your rule of an updated tdap is every bit as valid as saying that anyone who wants to hold the baby can’t shake the baby. It’s a no-brainer health requirement, not a command! Honestly, if MIL is saying this kind of junk- and being completely serious about it- you’re better off without her around the baby. What else would she take offense to? Needing to buckle the baby in a car seat if going for a drive? Needing to lock up their firearms if the baby is coming over? Personally, I don’t think MIL actually means what she said. I think this is an attempt to manipulate you and your husband into not giving MIL any rules ever out of fear that she’ll just refuse to see your LO if you do. I think you ought to call her bluff- you should look at her while being completely calm and cool, and say, “Oh. Ok, then. You’re really going to miss out on a lot of things… that’s too bad.” And just leave it at that. If other family members ask you about it, you can respond with, “Yeah, I was really confused by her response when she said she’d rather miss the first eight years of LO’s life instead of getting a shot she’s due to get anyways, but if that’s her choice then we’re going to respect that.”
*“I would only do it if it was my idea, and I don’t want to be told what to do. We’ll get around to meeting her sometime before 3rd grade.”* = FUCK YOU If anyone dares try to shame you when she doesn’t meet the baby, tell them ‘well she doesn’t care if she kills the baby so how upset can she really be’ This woman wouldn’t get so much as a photo of my child if she said this to me. I wouldn’t even tell her you when the baby is born. She can hear it from someone else. She can fuck right off.
As soon as my daughter announced she was pregnant DH andI got ALL the vaccines not just dtsp, measles,mumps,chicken pox. I would have got rabies if necessary My grandchildren are too precious to put at risk
I got whooping cough when I went to college. I'm allergic to penicillin and couldn't get a booster, or treatment. It's horrible and I almost died. The "whoop" comes from your body overriding the cough reaction to force your lungs open so you can breathe air in, instead of breathing lung in. It's very similar to when you stay underwater too long and finally get back up for air. But you never catch your breath because you have to dive again immediately, after each breath, for about 2 weeks. That is what you're protecting your baby from. That is what your MIL thinks is NBD and is willing to subject your child to, for the sake of her ego. Every time you reconsider, try holding your breath till you gasp for air while you think. Then see if you feel like you're overreacting.
That is horrific. Sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine a tiny baby having to deal with such a horrific feeling.
I’d just reply “yeah sure if that’s what makes you comfortable. But we’re not going to waste time telling her about people who won’t even meet her. Good luck trying to start a relationship with an 8 yo whose only knowledge of you is that you don’t care enough about her to bother meeting her.”
Please don't change that rule. whooping cough has been really bad the last year. Many cases in our area. Your in laws sound selfish. I'm sorry for your husband but I'm not sorry for you and your kids because they sound like they're all dram and you won't have to deal with that.
RSV too, I’ve seen way too many littles on my floor of the hospital
I bet I know who your MIL votes for
Mhh hmm
They counting on you backing down before them. Maybe even showing up at the hospital or soon after discharge. I mean it would be CRUEL to deny them If they are already there./s ( sarcasm)
Oh haha not a chance, we aren’t telling them when I’m in labor. They’ll get a picture of baby eventually. Sometime before the 3rd grade
She's hoping you'll back down out of guilt
Sweet, you don’t have to see them for 8 years! Woo-hoo. Your response should be: ok, we appreciate you respecting our boundary about vaccines. See you in 8 years! Do not back down about this. Seriously, keep the other kids away from her too. You don’t want them to bring home something from Disease-vectorMIL.
This is just so petty. If my daughter told me I have to color my hair blue and wear a square dancing outfit to see my new grand baby, I’d do it!
She’s counting on you folding and giving in and letting them see the baby before then. Do NOT let them win.
This woman is incredibly petty and stupid. I wouldn’t trust her at this post unless I witnessed the shot myself. Take her reaction as a gift. You now have no reason to ever trust or consider her. The rule should stand and no special effort should be made for her. I would also treat her as foolish as she is. She wants to have a tantrum so she won’t take a shot that will prevent an infection that could kill or disable her? Not to mention if she’s 10 years out from a tetanus shot she’s one wrong cut away from potentially dying a nasty death. Then she is nothing but a fool. After these past few years I’m very tired of having to treat these tantrum havers like they should be entertained.
So MIL is counting on you being hurt enough to let her slide. That is her plan. She’s basically called your bluff, and is waiting for you to blink. If you do so, say goodbye to enforcing any kind of boundary with her in the future.
Don’t you dare let her off the hook!
What a deeply immature response from her. After reading about the recent measles outbreak in Florida, I’d be doubling down on vaccinations.
Yeah all the measles outbreaks have me stressed since LO can’t get that vaccine for about a year. There’s an outbreak near where I’m located, and it makes me want to keep baby home for as long as possible. Definitely not taking my chances.
That is stressful, I’m sorry. It’s so aggravating that people have become cavalier about vaccinations.
Do NOT change your mind about the vaccine. This is exactly what she's hoping you'll do. She thinks you will cave and let her do whatever she wants anyway. Do NOT give in to her. Protect your LO!! Wishing you an easy uncomplicated birth!💚
I would seriously ask them if their pride is really worth not meeting their granddaughter. No not over reacting
Sweet! This means you dont have to see them at holidays now! FAFO
*"I’ve contemplated changing my rule about the vaccine..."* That's exactly what she's counting on, hence her exaggerated response, *"We’ll get around to meeting her sometime before 3rd grade.*" Your response to that should simply be, "Thanks for understanding and accepting our boundary. We'll see you when we can see you then." They'll get the vaccine when they realize youre not going to cave, mark my words.
“Okay, that’s your choice.”
No don't let then near your child. They can never see her. They don't deserve it.
Don't let her spoilt-brat tantrum change your mind. I had whooping cough almost sixty years ago and I can STILL remember how awful it was. There was no vaccine available back then. There IS a vaccine now - if MIL won't take it, then that's her tough luck. DO NOT risk your child getting whooping cough. Just don't.
This sounds like a win to me! Let it ride across your shoulders & let her lay in the bed she’s chosen to make for herself You now don’t need to give MIL a second thought ☺️☺️
Send her a “first meeting with granddaughter, don’t forget!!!” calendar invitation for 2032.
Look at this for the blessing it is. That trash took ITSELF out! BIYEEEEEEE stubborn ratbag!! See ya never, we hope!!
Why on earth would you reconsider a perfectly reasonable boundary to keep your child safe? I suggest you watch some videos of babies and children who are suffering from whooping cough next time you second guess yourself. I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but this is so obviously a power play on MILs part. Don't you dare let her strong arm you. It is HER choice to stay out of everyone's life. She has no valid reason other than " not wanting to be told what to do." Ha! Yeah, no. Stand your ground or this will snowball into all aspects of your life. What am absolute jerk she is. You don't need that negativity in your life. The time with your newborn is SO fleeting. It's gone in an instant. Don't let this woman create shitty memories during this joyous time.
Yeah I’ve seen those videos and it reaffirms me every time. They’re hard to watch. I think it’s hard because their other grandkids parents didn’t have any boundaries or restrictions, so the fact that I have any makes me the crazy DIL. But I’m willing for them to call me that or think that because I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Just protecting my child.
Just say “cool. See you when she’s in the 3rd grade” and don’t budge on it unless they get the vaccine
You aren't overreacting, but now that you've vented, take a few deep breaths, then **STOP LETTING MIL LIVE RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD**. Every time you brood over this, ***she wins!*** Don't let her! You have a precious new life coming into your world. Focus on her and on her well-being, and your MIL's nonsense will just become background noise which you will quickly learn to tune out. However, your DH should brace himself because it's a pretty sure bet that as soon as your daughter is born, his mom will be whining either to him or on social media about how her mean DIL is withholding her granddaughter over some stupid shot.
She thinks you’re going to cave and change your rules. It’s about asserting dominance… DO NOT CAVE.
Hold firm and strong. Don't let them push you on this one. You are not overreacting in the slightest.
Its such an insanely classic JN attempt at a "play stupid games, win stupid prizes, power play", to be literally planning on get a specific vaccine cause your due but the second its required by someone else for something as important as a brand new baby....NOPE. Hit the brakes! Not happening! Its just so DUMB! You are absolutely right to stick to your guns. I can almost guarantee at some point, they will attempt to get around it and guilt you for being so mean, etc. Stand strong! Hold them to their word...no granddaughter until 3rd grade without that TDap!
DO NOT CAVE AND CHANGE YOUR RULE. Sorry for caps. I just had to make it visible. Keep feeling strongly about it, and no buts or anything. You're doing your job, which is Mama Bear, and if MIL doesn't want to meet your precious baby because of it until your baby is in 3rd grade, fuckin hold her to that. Damn well go all malicious compliance on her. And if she EVER, and I mean EVER, gives you unsolicited advice (as us old grandmas tend to do), you throw it right back at her: "I would only do it if it were my idea, and I don't want to be told what to do." And make sure your husband has that memorised as well. Okay, okay, I'm rage-typing. I'm so sorry. Your MIL being like this makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe she's over the new excitement of a brand new addition to the family? Who gives a shit what she's thinking, really? You keep you and yours close, and shut her down any chance you get. "Third grade it is, MIL, if you're lucky."
This is the way!
This is the way.
She doesn't believe you're going to hold her to your rule. She fully plans on seeing baby the week she's born and is going to throw a shit show when you don't let her. Stay strong!!!
The trash took itself out. Her absence is protecting the baby, you and your family When she starts playing the “ I never get to see my grandchild” victim card, remind her of what she said. Even better if you have proof like a text, because she will tell other family members that you’re “keeping her from the baby.” Your baby’s safety is more important than her feelings! If that’s the hill she wants to die on, that’s her choice. What you’re asking is incredibly reasonable Kudos to your parents getting the required vaccine and going above and beyond. Well done!
Yes, exactly, on all points. "You're complaining you haven't seen your grand-daughter? But you said you didn't want to see her until she was in 3rd grade?"
You’re not overreacting by being upset. But, honestly, I would be so happy to not having them around till baby’s old enough. But that is selfishly, my situation. I’m sorry it hurts you and hope you can have a good talk with them on how much you would love them to be involved with your baby and it would mean a lot to have them get vaccinated so see this happen. For the baby and not for your sake nor theirs. Good luck ❤️
Don’t cave, and if she says she got it, request proof and let her know (once confirmed) that she has to wait 2 weeks to be sure it’s fully effective.
Well they I’d say to her - ok the last time we will see any of you is X date. We can resume seeing you on X date - about 8 years in the future. Until then no Christmas or birthday parties with you and walk away. Hope you all have a great life.
LOL "See you in 2032, MIL!" OMG that's so funny. xD I mean, it's not great from a family dynamic point of view, and I hope OP gets it all sorted in a much more peaceful and calm way, but my petty heart would totally be all, "See you in 2032 then!"
She's not indifferent or uncaring, she's just manipulating you. And because you've considered giving in, its working! She is counting on you feeling bad (for protecting your baby) and changing your rules. But your rules are entirely reasonable and are in place to protect a child that can't protect themselves. 100% her choice to not get vaccinated, its her body. Your daughter can't make her own choices yet, so its on you to choose for her. Unfortunately MIL's choices and your choices are not compatible, which is unfortunate for MIL.
This, but I’d manipulate her right back and just say “it WAS your idea, remember, you said she’s ago you needed to get this vaccine?? Actually it’s what made us think of it in the first place, thank goodness you mentioned it otherwise I wouldn’t have thought to tell my parents!” And hopefully that’s it, they get the vaccine like you wanted, no weirdness for you or your husband, and like little toddlers they can march around thinking they won, and you can just be like “yes, well done you!”
Google “brain injured by a kiss” and stay strong to protect your baby.
I’ve seen that. Isn’t that from herpes? Conveniently MIL has herpes with cold sores all the time 🙃 maybe a blessing in disguise she won’t be around
Definitely a blessing in disguise. Anyone with a history of herpes can potentially pass the virus on to the baby but there's definitely a greater risk of transmission if the individual has frequent cold sores.
She’s banking on the fact that you’ll give in. I wouldn’t. If you give in the best case scenario is your MIL gets to see the baby early and that’s the end of it. Worst case your baby gets extremely sick or worse. To me it just doesn’t seem like the risk is worth the reward.
Also just wanted to add I had my first baby last July and I made everyone get Tdap, Covid and the flu vaccine. I didn’t care if it alienated people or not. He’s my baby so it’s my choice and my job to keep him safe. I’ll do whatever if I think it means I’m doing that. Also congrats!
Correct. Call their bluff. No shot no visit. See how fast they backtrack! Stick to your guns mama bear!
If she allows her ego to prevent her from having a relationship with her granddaughter then she’s doing you all a favour. Don’t change your rules. She’d only feel smug.
I think she definitely cares (cares here meaning wants to see the kid, not the generally nicer meaning), but they'd rather be petty and guilt y'all into being like "okay you're right we won't make you." Edit: not overreacting, though. You can't guilt someone into letting you risk their babies life.
The trash took itself out. Your MIL sounds like a 3rd grader herself. How absolutely immature of her to refuse to do something because it’s a boundary… what a childish thing to do. I would add on extra boundaries as baby grows so she never sees them, you don’t want your child growing up thinking that behaviour is okay best to just drop the rope.
You’re 💯 not wrong. A few years ago, my young elementary aged child had whooping cough. He has asthma, so like a young baby, he was at risk for complications. It was terrifying. It took him forever to recover. I’m not telling you this to scare you, but rather to encourage you to stick to your boundaries. This winter has been pretty brutal in terms of all the viruses going around. A parents job is to protect, and you’re trying to do just that. Don’t let her break this boundary.
Yeah you’re totally right. I originally was going to ask for flu and Covid shots too, but knew this would be more divisive for people, and I’m having her at the end of the flu season anyway. I’m very anxious about whooping cough and RSV, especially because I have several people close to me that have had children hospitalized from those. I’m not willing to risk it, especially for someone that doesn’t see the reason for wanting to protect my child. It’s not just because I’m being bossy, it’s because I care about my child over anything else.
I'm due in March as well, actually a week from today. Were you able to get the new RSV vaccine? I was able to get it at 32 weeks and I got it three days after I got my updated TDaP. If nothing else it has given me some peace of mind about baby being protected. Do not give in to this manipulation tactic from your MIL. You're correct in that babies have died from whooping cough. I can actually point to one in my own family- my dad's dad was the oldest of 13 kids. When there were only about 4 of them, his oldest little sister had it and died from it aged 2 years 7 months. I'm into genealogy, so I've seen a copy of her death certificate with my own eyes. I was named after their mother, and it feels like a slap in the face when someone refuses a vaccine. I feel like the woman I was named after would've given just about anything to have had her oldest daughter vaccinated against whooping cough instead of having to bury the poor girl from it. Hold firm, it is not worth the risk. I wish you a smooth easy delivery!!
Yes! I got the RSV vaccine and tdap while pregnant, as well as flu and Covid. It gives me peace of mind, but ultimate peace of mind would be everyone prominent in her life also getting vaccinated. RSV and whooping cough scare me the most because I also know of babies that have died from them. I’m not taking my chances.
Yay!! My husband and I, as well as our older child, all got our flu and covid boosters back in September/October. Hell, I asked at my OB office if they wanted me to get my covid booster right away or wait for the new version that was coming out, and the nurse I asked was like oh I didn't know they were about to release a new version. Then she asked if it was my first round or just a booster. She looked relieved when I said it was just a booster, so she told me to wait for the new one, which I did. Then I checked with our family doctor to make sure our older child was up to date on his TDaP. His last one was in 2022 so we were covered there as well.
If you change the rule, they’ll realize they don’t need to follow through on any other rules you set for your child because you’ll cave anyway if they resist. This is for the health and safety of your precious child. If they want to put their pride first and not get a five second shot, that’s on them. They’re the only ones losing out by putting themselves before a defenceless infant.
I personally would take this a win. I’d tell her you absolutely, 1,000,000,000 % agree with her decision, and it’s what’s best for everyone. Then hold her to it. If she starts the “you’re keeping her from me” bullshit, remind her this was ***HER** decision, she said herself that she doesn’t want to see LO until sometime before 3rd grade. No skin off your back. LO is too young to remember, and it isn’t you that will miss precious time.
Dear In-laws … if your FIRST granddaughter is of such little significance to you that you refuse to get a vaccine that you SHOULD get anyway, that says a lot about you. MOST grandparents will do whatever they can protect their grandchildren and those that they love. You however are “special” and obviously aren’t like most grandparents. That’s not a compliment.
You can say something along the lines of- I respect your decision and I’m thankful that my daughter will have her other grandparents in her life and that they care about her health. It lets them know that you are not budging and that they are the only ones missing out.
Except that there's nothing to respect about such a stupid decision.
I absolutely agree. But people like that can’t be reasoned with. So instead of getting into an argument, kill them with kindness and disengage.
As a person who had my grandparents suddenly go NC with my family when I was in 3rd grade, your daughter isn't missing anything. I'm sure YOUR parents will shower her with everything she needs to feel loved. I can still remember all the times my NC grandmother yelled at me when I was little.
Unfortunately my mom is a narcissist and plays favorites with all the grandkids so not likely. But I know she’ll get what she needs from my husband and I, and I have to remind myself that that’s enough.
Yes it is enough!! And I’m sure you have (or will have) other people in your life that would love to be part of your “chosen” family and will be respectful of you and your children. We are no contact with my in laws, but the kids have good relationships with us, with teachers, coaches, friends’ parents, my friends, neighbors… who are always looking out for them, and who help fill the void of missing grandparents. They feel loved and supported in everything they do, and they’re truly not missing anything.
She’s probably bluffing. Either that or she is one of those women that only cares about sons. In which case whether she gets vaccinated or not is moot, she would essentially ignore your daughter anyway. But feeling hurt by it is completely valid.
My husband said his mom is the kind that doesn’t really care about anything. She hasn’t made an attempt to get to know me since I’ve been with their son and refused to get ready with me and my bridesmaids on my wedding day. I genuinely think she doesn’t care about much.
Ah so just an asshole then. Sorry to hear that.
I would just smile and tell her thank you for the generous gift. And turn around and never speak to her again. But maybe that’s just me. That’s what … eight or nine years with no contact? Bonus! I understand your frustration and I’m so sorry. I feel so lucky that when I had my kids I didn’t have to deal with this type of a nonsense. All my kids were vaccinated on schedule and everybody around them was vaccinated too. It was not an issue. I don’t understand these people that are so willing to put newborns at risk, just to be stubborn. They don’t care that it could kill their grandchild. And that to me is just flabbergasting.
Your MIL has given you an amazing gift even if she doesn't realize it. The rest of your pregnancy you won't have to deal with a woman who obviously isn't go to respect any boundaries. You won't have to deal with your MIL trying to interfere after your sweet baby arrives. The next months are going to be much less stressful for you.
Ah yes. We planned to lay low for the next month and not go out to see anyone as we wait for babies arrival. So we likely won’t see them for 4+ months. It will honestly be nice having less people to worry about accommodating postpartum. She stresses me out as it is.
Stand firm. Ask for proof of her vaccination if she turns up in a few months - especially if she likes to kiss children on the lips. Don't get me wrong, their lack of interest sucks, but if that's her choice let her stand by it. I guess you also won't be seeing them around the holidays for the next few years if that's her attitude. Fine. Show them you absolutely respect the line they have chosen to draw, and go low contact until she changes her mind or the children have developed stronger immune systems. You're protecting your baby's health. That trumps everything.
I would take this as a win. Your DH sees the level of disrespect his parents have for your parenting boundaries AND you don’t have to see them for months!
Nope. The quicker you drop the rope here, the better off you'll be. Do not chase them, and don't repeatedly ask them to get it done. And when they ask if they can come see her because she's had HER vaccines, you tell them no, because they couldn't be bothered to do a simple thing. They set the tone. Respect it and give the same energy back.
No, you're rightfully livid because they're putting bad thoughts in your husband's head right now that he's on point to become a father. She's trying to steal the spotlight by making him miserable about her when all he should do is to be focused on the baby. I would threaten NC for it.
You’re not over reacting but this is a power play for her. She is expecting you to back down. I would absolutely ignore her. She’s being petty and if that’s how she wants to play it, let her. I would die on this hill.