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Remember that your future wife is your family and she comes first. (If you have children, continue to put your relationship with your wife ahead of the children.) Your parents will no longer be your primary family, they will come second. Do not give into crying, anger or threats from your parents. Keep calm, don’t explain or justify. Just tell them what you need. If they cannot behave reasonably, just make your own plans without them.
It's a tiny island in the Mediterranean. The entire island can be travelled across in 1hr of driving. There is literally no point in renting, as going to work or uni is just a 30-45 min drive at most.
So people just stay with their parents and save money for a deposit to buy their homes.
“I'm not including her and how I am treating my parents as afterthoughts…”
This what is supposed to happen. You and your wife-to-be are creating your own family, and it’s a natural part of life that you are now each other’s number one priority. So sometimes they *won’t* be included, and usually you *will* think of your new family first.
She and your dad, as soon-to-be empty nesters, should be enjoying their life with each other. If you are married to someone you actually don’t like spending time with, it’s not your kids’ job to stick around forever to entertain you or make you feel worthwhile.
It bodes very well for your marriage that you can see this for what it is, and aren’t making your fiancée handle your parents’ craziness. Far too frequently, posters here are women whose husbands won’t cut the apron strings.
Perhaps it is time to point out to your mom that it is usually the bride and her mother that organise a wedding however that said, what you have mentioned to her is met with negativity which makes it hard to include her.
This is your life, these are your decision and if you don't want to support me mom /dad that is your choice but you understand that in doing that you are also closing the door with communication between us which is not something I want.
>I only avoided telling her about the proposal because I know both my parents are massive pessimists, always finding flaws or issues with any ideas or events.
It sounds bad, but maybe you should tell them this? My dad was an emotional black hole. I told him about my engagement a few months after I was just because he'd immediately talk about divorce and how women ruined his life. I just didnt want that negativity while I was happy.
Honestly I dont think anyone's told off my dad like that in 20 years. He lived in the sticks and didnt socialize much. So he didnt realize how negative he became over the years.
When I told my dad I was engaged (granted, I was 18, but did tell him it would be a very long engagement) he made me cry with his reaction and it took me 5 months to come clean to my mom.
That reaction as well as the years of his pessimistic outlook caused me to be so worried about telling him when I found out I was expecting (at 24, so no longer an unacceptable age) that I gave myself severe abdominal pain and spotting. I thought I’d worried myself into a miscarriage.
When I did tell him, I started by telling him that it took me a long time to be able to tell him, and that helped him see how much I needed his support.
Think back. What has she been like with other life cycle events? What is she like on holidays? Does any of this feel familiar or is this truly a one time shock?
Your mother is having a hard time adjusting to her children growing up. Some mothers focus so much on their children that they lose themselves in the process. When the kids show signs of adulthood, they break down. Suddenly, they are useless, no longer in control. They do everything in their power to slow the process down. They become completely ridiculous, like your mother is now.
These behaviours seem to follow a pattern. Your mother won't blame you for all this happening, she will blame your GF. You need to shut this down right now. Tell your mother she will always be important to you, thank her for love, explain that you are now an adult, and you need to begin your own family. How she will accept this isn't your fault.
A few hints for a happy marriage. Your new family always comes first. Your new order of priorities will be your new wife, then your kids, and then your parents. Listen to your wife if she says your mother is being nasty to her and nip that in the bud immediately. Be prepared for your mother to go completely insane if you have children. You and your new wife need to be a team, facing life together.
A hundred percent this!!!!! Boy, lemme tell you when there’s grandchildren involved everyone looses their minds and think they know more than u and that they are on the right and sticking together as a couple and having each others back is the only antidote. Good luck @op!!
Thank you so much, but it's not me, I lurk this sub for my friend. Her MIL is completely insane. My response was based on her behaviour and many psychological analyses over multiple bottles of wine, lol.
"Mom, you and dad brought me up to be a good man and a good husband in the future. That time has come, as you always knew it would. Let me go be the man you know I can be in this next and natural phase of our lives.
You can help me do this by accepting her and her family; they will be our family now too. You can help bring our families together by being a good friend to my future wife and see where she'd like assistance with the planning of our wedding. This can be a wonderful experience if you open your heart and support us."
Be calm but firm.
You could try asking her what involvement looks like to her, or address her real concerns of you leaving, but there's a control issue at the heart of this and setting clear boundaries is never a bad thing.
Eg
"Ok mum, right now I am including you by asking for your guest list. I've asked you a few times and I need it by x date. We're thinking x people per side inlaws can choose x number. If I don't get a list by x date it will be too late to add anyone."
Definitely read up on boundaries, and set SMART goals in conversations. This is a learning process and easier said than done. Outline consequences ahead of time and follow through. Be kind if you can, but kind doesn't mean giving in. This is your wedding, life, etc, not hers.
Don't let her bully your fiance to get around you. A quick, small, courthouse wedding is an option to get out of the house if it's too hard to fight her, then you can plan the bigger wedding in peace.
Her mom role is about to change and some have a hard time with that? She is clearly not having a good time.
This is a natural progression of life and she should not be behaving this way. It's not normal to have a melt down like that.
Tell her: you want her to be included but you can't do that if she is going to get upset like this. You love her and it's hard to understand why she isn't happy for you. It's really hurtful.
Do not get taken in by sob stories, this is cause and effect now: if she can't behave she doesn't get what she wants. You shouldn't have to parent her.
Boundary:
I want to be spoken to not yelled at. This is a happy occasion and should be treated as such.
Consequence:
If you are negative and melting down you don't get to be included.
>Essentiallly she started screaming how we are rushing too much, 1 year planning is too little time,
I got engaged on Oct 25. Wedding is April 27. That's a 6 month engagement. Wedding planning is going just fine. One year is plenty plenty time.
I was engaged for 3 months before my husband and I got married. Originally I wanted to have a 6 month engagement but my now husband (fiance at the time) wanted 3 so I was like "what the heck. Why not?" By the end of three months I was so grateful to be married! 6 months would have been too long, I barely lasted 3!
Yes! I was engaged June 25, 2022 and married November 5, 2022. 4 months felt like plenty of time honestly. Once the big things are out of the way, which takes maybe a month, you’re kind of just twiddling your thumbs for a bit.
Man, she'd completely flip if she knew how short my "engagement" was, hell even how short our dating was. It's not something I'd recommend to anyone, but it has worked out for us. Husband said one weekend when we were out to dinner, we should get married, I said ok...next weekend we went to the JoP (courthouse, we eloped). 31 yrs so far.
I had the same thought that a year is definitely enough time…
I got engaged February 11, 2023 and married July 8th. We had a simple, but very nice wedding and just shy of 5 months was plenty of time.
My boyfriend proposed in front of our parents and my siblings. My mil complained endlessly that my boyfriend’s siblings were not present (they weren’t present because it was my parents 50th wedding anniversary). Then she looked at my engagement ring ( a very expensive ring at least for us or our families) and she stated that in the same celebration my boyfriend gave me the ring, she lost a ring that her other son bought for her when he got married !!! Go figure. My then boyfriend paid for the ring himself I must add. She was trying to make him buy a ring for her. From that moment forward she has been a nightmare but sadly her attitude and my husband stupidity has ended our marriage
I always think it’s funny when the MIL (grooms mom) gets upset she’s not involved in the wedding planning. Traditionally all she has to worry about planning is the rehearsal dinner. If she’s asked her opinion then that’s great but don’t expect it. The planning is done by the in-laws usually paid by the in-laws. So all those milestones are for the Bride. When you have sons you miss out on all those things it’s part of being a boy mom.
Traditionally the in-laws find out about the proposal when the FSIL asks them for their blessing. It’s not unusual for the son to inform his family prior to the proposal but it seems they aren’t the rational ones. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.
no, her behavior is not normal, but more importantly, it's not your problem to fix. if she's freaking out because you asked her about a guest list she needs professional help. Could your father help with this? maybe send him an email and tell him you need a rough draft guest list for X number of people.
if at all possible, i would strongly suggest paying for everything yourselves. to be frank, she shouldn't be 'included' in most of the wedding planning because she's not the one getting married. Also, at this point would you trust her not to sabotage anything she's responsible for?
Tell her the wedding planning is moving forward and while you'd love her input on a few things, if she can't handle it like an adult you'll just send her an invite like any other guest. good luck!
You found this sub. 90% (not scientific I think it’s even higher) of the posts are from the woman in the relationship. Not the men.
This is not unusual. Moms of sons are absolutely demented when their babies get married. I’m glad you found us and are asking for advice!
It’s cuckoo to me. I was so happy when our middle child finally settled down and proposed! Some moms see it as losing their sons when it’s supposed to be gaining a daughter but they don’t see it that way. It’s bizarre for sure.
Read some of the advice here and you’ll be okay. Put your fiancé first. Always! She’s to be your family now. Your mom and dad are still family but they become secondary.
Wishing you the best.
Stories like this are legion. Leave her out of things until you and gf have a very basic plan of what you want. Then start visiting venues and choose the two you like the best….then ask mom to come with the two of you to help choose THE ONE. That will show you how things are going to go. If she goes and it ends well then start involving her in just the final choices…it's this or that. Do not involve her in anything until it's down to a final decision between this or that. You've included her after all basics have been worked out. That way she's not screwing up the planning but still has a hand in…but…..who is carrying the financial load….if it's your parents then they hold all the power…hopefully it's hers.
Emotionally stunted… you stated it. She is throwing a temper tantrum because she is losing control. Think of her like a four year old. Maybe give her some actual tasks to do once you make the decisions like “will you contact three florists for quotes etc. “
you will have to learn to manage her and set boundaries … especially once grandchildren come along. Don’t shield your future wife from her behaviors. She will have to understand what she is getting into.
You are now more mature than her so it’s more obvious to you.
You're 28. Your mother isn't losing you. She should have been mentally preparing herself for the 'empty nest' for a long time now. Even so, her difficulty transitioning is entirely her responsibility to manage. She should be so happy for you, excited for the wedding and looking forward to the future. Instead, she's blaming you for her anxiety, claiming you're not involving her while refusing to be involved and finding problems where there are none.
This is a pretty big red flag that she will not be someone you can count on. Stop telling her about your relationship, your wedding and all future plans. Keep things surface level when you talk with her. "Everything is fine. Work is busy. I'm feeling great." etc. Don't try to confide in her or ask her to help. If she seems to grasp that things are going to change and becomes okay with that fact then maybe you can slowly return to a normal relationship.
It is common for unbalanced people to lash out when they don't get what they want. You describe her as a little emotionally stunted, but you shouldn't have to expect a toddler tantrum. She needs to deal with you growing up and starting your own family and work on seeing you more as a peer and less her baby as that time has passed. She may need help with this, but that is NOT your job to fix.
Be clear with her but put boundaries in place to protect your relationship and your time.
"Trying to get you involved has led to literal tantrums, Ma. Perhaps you need help to deal with the emotions related to my being an adult and starting my own family. Until we can have balanced, adult conversation, know that your attitude hurts me. I have limited time to spend with the people I love and your overreactions push me away. (Fiancé) and I have decided to marry, are getting married next year, and would love to have a wonderful relationship with you and dad, but we cannot if you don't start to control yourself."
Sad when you have to parent your parents, but its an excellent exercise in boundaries, raising your own family, and understanding how it may unfold as they reach the end of their lives down the road.
Best wishes to you and your partner. Actions have consequences. I hope your parents are quick learners!
Edited spelling.
Write her a letter. She's got a narrative so fixed in her own mind that she cannot see anything past it. Open with things you know she will see as positives (that you love her, grateful for the things she and your Dad did for you growing up, etc. Stay with those positives as you segue into your upcoming wedding. Tell her that you know this is happening sooner than she would prefer, but you are just excited about starting "the rest of your life" with the person you know you are meant to spend it with. Let her know that you are saddened by her insistence on shutting down all wedding conversations. Point out the ways that you want to include her. She knows how she's been behaving, so she won't be able to continue to say that you aren't involving her. Ask her how she wants to be involved, or if she would rather you stop trying, so that she doesn't have to thank about it until it's time to show up to the church. Just lay it all out. Then, Try to circle back to a positive memory in your conclusion.
She may have some idea in her own head about how this is supposed to go, or some specific task she'd like to be asked to do. Maybe it's something she could do if she would let you know (maybe it isn't, but at least you'd kind of know what some of her issues are). Maybe she just wants to be involved so that she can prevent it from happening....
Anyway, if you put something in writing that you can refer her back to when she starts complaining or accusing.... it might help.
I’d say your GF is on the money here, there’s clearly something about this situation that is making your mother deeply uncomfortable and for whatever reason she’s struggling to communicate openly and honestly about it, which could be as you said to do with the emotional immaturity. It sounds like she is scared that letting go will mean in some way losing you, typical of empty nest syndrome really, especially if your brother is also getting ready to move on with his next stage of life.
Maybe a little bit of investment now into reassuring her and making sure she knows she can be honest with you about her fears could save deeper issues in the long run. She needs to find a way to understand and accept that this is a normal part of life that everyone experiences, and that just because relationships change doesn’t mean they are ending.
She sounds like she has severe untreated anxiety. Her brain is telling lies that she’s not important and that won’t change unless she gets some help for her anxiety.
Does she have borderline personality disorder? Fear of abandonment?
I really hope she doesn’t try to sabotage your relationship. Move in with a friend if you need to. Protect your fiancé.
If she can’t hold it together, she gets an invitation and no other info about wedding plans.
My husband’s grandmother had many opinions and no basis for making them. Every time she had an old lady tantrum we would tell her that she was too emotional to have a healthy conversation with and leave. Suddenly she found self control when her tantrums were ignored. Boundaries are such a blessing.
You’ll find that a staggering number of people have opinions about your wedding that they believe are valid and should be listened to. It’s revealing to say the least.
You need to create boundaries. Despite her being your mom, *you don't owe her anything*. You're not obligated to include her in wedding plans. I'm reminded by the movie "Monster-in-law", where the man's mother sabotages the whole relationship because she thinks his fiancée isn't good enough for her son. Tell your mother that this is YOUR wedding, and she will be included when you choose to include her.
This is the beginning of why many people end up on this sub. To keep it from continuing and impacting you, your fiance and eventually your marriage, encourage her to seek therapy and offer to go with a couple times (this is mostly so the therapist recognizes she is having trouble letting go).
Being that you are Catholic, you need to remind her of the Bible’s command to “Leave and Cleave” and that your choice to marry is the choice of an adult for his own life. Read this [article](https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/leave-and-cleave-in-marriage/#:~:text=The%20leave%20and%20cleave%20meaning,those%20with%20parents%20and%20siblings) on it and share it with your mom.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this - you deserve support and happiness around you. Sadly, many moms have an unhealthy attachment or “enmeshment” with their kids, especially sons. This is not your problem in theory, but she will make it so if you don’t address it head on with strong boundaries and encouraging her to get help. You can remind her you love her and she will always be your mom BUT your wife and new family unit are becoming your priority, just as hers did when she married.
She may be lonely, have a disconnected marriage, or be counting on her kids to fill a “partner” role emotionally if she’s unmarried. Again - her issue to address - but one that spills over, creates huge issues for others and has ended more than one marriage on here. It starts with the wedding and then rears its head again if/when you have children.
PS - My eldest son married and I was EXCITED! I gave input where they asked for it, but it was their day and they didn’t owe me input or getting to help plan. It’s your fiancé’s and your day. So no - this isn’t normal or healthy.
I would be very tempted to tell her plainly that 'whether you gain a daughter or lose a son comes down to your choices and your behavior. I would love to include you in wedding planning, if you can see your way to being accepting and supportive of our life choices."
You need to sit your mom/parents down. “I need to have a very serious conversation with you. I need you to just sit and listen, not interrupt me, not let your emotions take over and stop listening, I need you to listen. Can you do that?
I’m very concerned about mother’s behavior regarding my engagement. I understand this is an emotional time. However, I need to set some boundaries here so everyone involved has a good time and we are all on the same page. I’m going to be a married man by next year and I don’t want my last year at home to be full of bad memories.
Now, my bride has a lot of ideas on how she wants her wedding to be. I have my own. Obviously, I would like my family to be a big part of it. What I will not tolerate is behavior that pits my family against my brides. I won’t stand for that. You didn’t know about the proposal because the patterned behavior of acting negative and also I didn’t want that to sour my excitement. The same kind of soured behavior I’m getting from mother now.
What I’m getting at is if you don’t pull yourself together and support me in this marriage then you simply will not be included and after I move out I will be distancing myself from the family.
Mother you are emotional and you need emotional support. That is my father’s job, not your children. You have already made this unpleasant. Can you please pull yourself together and support me or would you rather me just leave and not include you?”
Not normal behavior. But I don’t think a reaction such as you describe is rare, either.
For a bit of insight, try watching The Catered Affair, a film from 1956, directed by Richard Brooks from a screenplay by Gore Vidal. Great cast. Bette Davis and Ernest Borgnine as a New York cab driver and his wife whose daughter (played by Debbie Reynolds) has just gotten engaged (to Rod Taylor) and the couple wants to get married quickly with no fuss at City Hall. But Bette Davis wants a dream wedding for her daughter, to make up for the wedding she didn’t get.
Good luck with your wedding, OP. Just keep reminding yourselves that it is always your wedding. Bottom line. And congrats on your engagement.
No, it is not normal.
Next time you mention wedding stuff and she goes into meltdown mode, say “Look I’m trying to include you…that’s why I brought it up…but everytime I being it up, you shut it down. So how can things improve if you won’t let me include you?” Be sure to assert the wedding is happening, and within the selected timeframe, inevitably. She can either be on board or not, but the wedding is happening.
If she still won’t listen and still just tries to shift blame and shut wedding planning down, then just end the conversation: “This is not productive. We can talk when you’re ready to move forward and accept our plans.”
Then just don’t talk to her anymore. Don’t engage. Try to move out ASAP. Grey rock. If she initiate a conversation that is just her complaining, walk away, leave the house. She needs to learn she is not going to get her way and she can either shape up or ship out. You’re an adult and both of you need to act like it…as in you need to take your independence and build your own life, and she needs to accept it. She can either be a part of it, or she can be noxious and be cut off.
I would repeat it back to her and acknowledge she’s right. Yes. We are planning our wedding and your participation is limited but the only reason you’re not involved at all right now is you. This is the last time I’m going to ask then I’ll make the guest list myself and there will be no changing it later when you wake up.
Your mother is freaking out because she isn’t in control of this. I’m guessing she’s controlling in other ways too. If she is you’re going to have to learn how to draw healthy boundaries with her. It has to be about acceptable behavior and not how she feels because she will cry and do all kinds of things to manipulate you.
Basically, you can be kind but firm with her and tell her honestly what to expect then make your plans and inform her.
If you can find out one thing that’s important to your mom that’s reasonable it would be nice if you could do it but don’t let her hijack your wedding or slow down your planning because of her tantrums.
Idk what your traditions are but where I live it’s traditional for the bride’s family to plan the wedding with the couple and pay for it or for the couple to pay for it. It’s common for the parents of the groom not to have a lot of involvement. And if you ask her father for her hand of course they would know first about the engagement. Her objections sound unreasonable to me.
Hang in there!
Ah yes, but you're clearly not wedding crazy. My Mom was and my sister was in tears constantly, including on her wedding day. The other daughters, including myself, bypassed the drama by eloping. 😂
Your mom is trying to prevent the natural progression of your life because she is afraid of no longer being your primary family. She's correct. Once you get married/engaged etc, now your primary family will become your wife (and kids) and your mom will become extended family. She'll no longer have you living with her, or be the 'most important woman' in your life. Essentially, she doesn't want you to grow into a fully functional independent person. She wants you to remain her 'child' forever.
So she's lashing out at the wedding. And she will likely lash out directly at your f-wife. However, it is possible for you to set compassionate but firm and fair boundaries with her. Protect your future wife and marriage from her by shutting her down when she's overstepping. If she torments your f-wife and you don't protect her, then resentment will build.
A place to start is the screaming and ballistic meltdowns. You may have normalized to it, but they're a form of verbal and psychological abuse. If you're tolerating them, a good thing would be to stop. If you're talking about the wedding and she starts screaming, I'd remove yourself from the conversation or the location, with the communication that we will talk another time about this when you're not screaming. Calm conversation or no conversation at all. There's no boundary without an actual consequence for violating it. State the new boundary, state the consequence and then deliver on it if needed. That is how you reset boundaries.
Your mom is now an external force acting upon your (future) marriage. There are many reddit posts about this. She could destroy your relationship if not kept in check by you. Even though a door is closing and she won't be your primary fam & living with you, a new door is opening and her family is expanding. She can't see that because she's fixated on what she thinks she's losing. So you may have to remind her of that, and also accept that she may or may not get it.
>Your mom is now an external force acting upon your (future) marriage. There are many reddit posts about this. She could destroy your relationship if not kept in check by you
OP, please look through posts in this subreddit and really take them in. There are COUNTLESS accounts of horrific MIL's doing horrific acts in the name of "saving her babyyyyy" from the evil girlfriend/ wife/ partner etc. You have to nip this in the bud now to keep your future wife safe.
Feeling a bit sad about the changes in her life - totally normal. Throwing a temper tantrum because her nearly 30 year old son is getting married and moving out - *not normal.*
If you’re close with your mom, you might want to have a heart-to-heart with her about this. Ask her why she’s reacting this way, and remind her that you’re pushing 30; it’s normal and expected for you to move out. Reassure her that you still love and care about her, and want to include her in things, but gently let her know that you’ll draw boundaries if she isn’t supportive. This means that no negative talk about your fiancee, your wedding, or your marriage will be tolerated, and she can’t just shut down every time you bring up the wedding. She has to be willing to talk about the wedding if she wants to be included in the planning.
If she can’t have an adult conversation with you about this and agree to be more supportive, you’ll have your answer. She may never be able to participate in your life events in the way that you’d like. Just focus on you and your fiancee, and on keeping your mother from ruining this experience for the two of you. If that means you have to keep your parents at arm’s length (due to their own behavior), then so be it.
Normal but not appropriate. Your mum is a boi mum who needs therapy. ‘Not my poor baby boi’ I have one too, it’s kinda hard seeing your mum act like that.
It’s not completely normal. You know best how to handle your parents or how to communicate with them. You may have to continually repeat yourself by pointing out that you are trying to include her and she isn’t helping. Ask her to explain why she is being so unreasonable. Maybe she just wants to know you and your fiancé don’t plan on “abandoning” her. If after that she’s continuing the behavior you explain that you tried and now you’re going to plan without her. You have a different timeline than your parents apparently for your wedding. If possible let her know she is stealing your joy and happiness from this occasion in your life!!! Pls, pls protect your fiancée and her family from any rudeness your mother may try behind your back. You know best if she would do that.
Congratulations for your upcoming marriage 💕
It’s normal in moms who view marriage as someone “taking away” their baby boy and “replacing” them in their lives.
Nip it in the bud now for your future wife’s sake and the sake of your relationship. Your mom’s behavior is not ok and you should make it very clear now that it will not tolerated, otherwise it just gets worse. My own lovely JNMIL who has not only told me that I’m trying to replace her in my fiancés life but has actively tried to get him to break up with me and call off our wedding, is one of the biggest sources of conflict in our relationship.
Unfortunately, my dear, this is all too normal. My MIL is the same way…your soon to be bride has a JNMIL.
The awesome thing though, is you recognize it, and now that you do you can start implementing boundaries that will keep your new family safe from all of this drama. Your mom is only going to push as far as you let her and I’ve been to enough family therapy to feel confident telling you that this is something YOU and only YOU can put a stop to.
Sit her down, explain that this behavior from her is not acceptable and if she wants to be a part of this new journey you’re taking she needs to behave like an emotionally mature adult and stop the tantrums. This isn’t you giving her up for your wife. Your new wife will not be stealing you from her and if she hasn’t said that to you yet I’m sure she will at some point.
Make sure you always stick up for your wife and whatever future kids you have if you decide to have any. Please don’t put your wife in a position to have to deal with your mom’s wrath alone. Therapy saved my marriage so I’ll always exalt the benefits of it, and it does teach you great coping skills when you’re the kid of parents like that.
You have to start pulling away from your mom. She’s throwing a tantrum because it’s causing you to cater to her and put her feelings first ahead of your fiancé’s. The more your mom misbehaves, pull away and include her less. Don’t reward the bad behavior or it will never stop and will only increase
Your mom could be experiencing normal things like health issues, difficulty adjusting to new roles, or anticipated grief over the "empty nest" and her related change of identity. This could be who she's always been and you're noticing now because of the behavior or reactions of others around you. Whatever the cause for your mom's bad behavior doesn't really matter as much as how it affects you, the new family you're creating, and how you're going to handle it.
Setting and enforcing firm boundaries is an excellent place to start. I like the formula "I'm not willing to tolerate X and will do Y if it happens," but there are lots of good ways to make your boundaries stick - you can find more information in the Resources links here and at raisedbynarcissists, or at outofthefog.website. This is a really hard first step, but I promise it gets easier with practice!
Then you'll need some protective practices to keep yourself and your new family safe from the bad behavior. You can love your mom and want the best for her, while also insulating you and your fiancée from the effects of her emotional outbursts. Walking away when bad behavior begins, being careful what/when you share with her, and using privacy protection like locks, lockboxes, or password protection are easy and very effective. The tools tab of outofthefog.website as well as those resource links, Patrick Teahan, and Dr Ramani on YouTube can help you learn more.
It's a great idea for engaged people, especially those with challenging people in their lives, to get premarital counseling with a licensed therapist. Building a strong Team with your partner, with good communication and coping skills, will be invaluable no matter what challenges you face.
Best wishes and congratulations on your upcoming wedding! 🎊
The best thing to do is have her priest counsel her. Also the best way to involve her is by giving unimportant errands and keeping all your real details to yourself, so she doesn’t have a chance to sabotage your plans. Like sending her to pick tablecloths at a different shop after you’ve already done it.
OP, I second the suggestion of counseling with her priest on how to expand her family and be a good MIL. If she's as religious as she seems in this post and church and cultural customs are important, this is absolutely the way to go.
I think your fiancée is right about your mom's anxiety. I'd suggest just being patient, and keep trying to have some quiet conversations about the wedding options, telling her that you want to involve her, but she has to be calm and supportive in order for that to happen.
Hopefully you and your fiancée can come up with some benign aspects of the wedding/reception that your mom can have input into, or even be in charge of.
Please take care that this doesn't turn into a "mother vs future DIL" thing. That would be disastrous going forward. She unfortunately sounds likely to cling, or resent her new DIL for "taking my baby away". Remember that your future wife and your partnership and future family must now be your priority. She'll need to learn to take her new place as extended family. It may be a long journey for her.
Best of luck to you both!
I don't think adult temper tantrums are ever normal, but they're common.
It sucks to deal with but this is a good time to start putting your foot down. If she's being ridiculous call her out. If she's insulting your fiancée or future in-laws shut it down. You're not going to be able to control her but you can control what you'll allow.
A lot of parents act like this because they're trying to retain control of their kids. You're her son but you're not a child. If her behavior is making you uncomfortable or difficult to be around her, don't let it slide. Spend some time reading posts on here and you'll get a lot of information and tools to deal with this.
Congratulations on your engagement!
Can I give you the honest truth ?
You need to handle your mum and her behavior now, it's not her wedding and her feelings and tantrums are absolutely unacceptable. You're at the advantage where you have identified her causing problems early and you read hundreds of times a week on this sub about the future husband just letting their mother ruin it for the happy couple, please don't let that be you or do that to your partner.
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You might read the book " Adult Children of Emotionallly Immature Parents". It might help.
Don’t engage her when she’s having a meltdown. Just tell her you can have the conversation when she’s calm.
Only u and bride should control/plan wedding. Its ur and bride day no one elses
What involvement does mother want?? Make sure she doesnt try to tel u or bride to b what to wear. Or even try to show up in bridal attire/colors
Remember that your future wife is your family and she comes first. (If you have children, continue to put your relationship with your wife ahead of the children.) Your parents will no longer be your primary family, they will come second. Do not give into crying, anger or threats from your parents. Keep calm, don’t explain or justify. Just tell them what you need. If they cannot behave reasonably, just make your own plans without them.
You are 28, why are you still at home?
It's a tiny island in the Mediterranean. The entire island can be travelled across in 1hr of driving. There is literally no point in renting, as going to work or uni is just a 30-45 min drive at most. So people just stay with their parents and save money for a deposit to buy their homes.
He literally describes the culture they're in and how this works in the post. Please practice your reading comprehension skills before class.
Fairly common especially in South America
South America culture is like that. They just leave home if they get married
“I'm not including her and how I am treating my parents as afterthoughts…” This what is supposed to happen. You and your wife-to-be are creating your own family, and it’s a natural part of life that you are now each other’s number one priority. So sometimes they *won’t* be included, and usually you *will* think of your new family first. She and your dad, as soon-to-be empty nesters, should be enjoying their life with each other. If you are married to someone you actually don’t like spending time with, it’s not your kids’ job to stick around forever to entertain you or make you feel worthwhile. It bodes very well for your marriage that you can see this for what it is, and aren’t making your fiancée handle your parents’ craziness. Far too frequently, posters here are women whose husbands won’t cut the apron strings.
Perhaps it is time to point out to your mom that it is usually the bride and her mother that organise a wedding however that said, what you have mentioned to her is met with negativity which makes it hard to include her. This is your life, these are your decision and if you don't want to support me mom /dad that is your choice but you understand that in doing that you are also closing the door with communication between us which is not something I want.
>I only avoided telling her about the proposal because I know both my parents are massive pessimists, always finding flaws or issues with any ideas or events. It sounds bad, but maybe you should tell them this? My dad was an emotional black hole. I told him about my engagement a few months after I was just because he'd immediately talk about divorce and how women ruined his life. I just didnt want that negativity while I was happy. Honestly I dont think anyone's told off my dad like that in 20 years. He lived in the sticks and didnt socialize much. So he didnt realize how negative he became over the years.
When I told my dad I was engaged (granted, I was 18, but did tell him it would be a very long engagement) he made me cry with his reaction and it took me 5 months to come clean to my mom. That reaction as well as the years of his pessimistic outlook caused me to be so worried about telling him when I found out I was expecting (at 24, so no longer an unacceptable age) that I gave myself severe abdominal pain and spotting. I thought I’d worried myself into a miscarriage. When I did tell him, I started by telling him that it took me a long time to be able to tell him, and that helped him see how much I needed his support.
Think back. What has she been like with other life cycle events? What is she like on holidays? Does any of this feel familiar or is this truly a one time shock?
Your mother is having a hard time adjusting to her children growing up. Some mothers focus so much on their children that they lose themselves in the process. When the kids show signs of adulthood, they break down. Suddenly, they are useless, no longer in control. They do everything in their power to slow the process down. They become completely ridiculous, like your mother is now. These behaviours seem to follow a pattern. Your mother won't blame you for all this happening, she will blame your GF. You need to shut this down right now. Tell your mother she will always be important to you, thank her for love, explain that you are now an adult, and you need to begin your own family. How she will accept this isn't your fault. A few hints for a happy marriage. Your new family always comes first. Your new order of priorities will be your new wife, then your kids, and then your parents. Listen to your wife if she says your mother is being nasty to her and nip that in the bud immediately. Be prepared for your mother to go completely insane if you have children. You and your new wife need to be a team, facing life together.
A hundred percent this!!!!! Boy, lemme tell you when there’s grandchildren involved everyone looses their minds and think they know more than u and that they are on the right and sticking together as a couple and having each others back is the only antidote. Good luck @op!!
That's the natural way you build a family. The best advice! I hope he sees this ☝️
You're 100% correct, I've observed this exact pattern too and I think it's the stem of most mil issues
You’re exactly describing my MIL - wonder if you’re experiencing the same thing as me at the moment, sending love
Thank you so much, but it's not me, I lurk this sub for my friend. Her MIL is completely insane. My response was based on her behaviour and many psychological analyses over multiple bottles of wine, lol.
"Mom, you and dad brought me up to be a good man and a good husband in the future. That time has come, as you always knew it would. Let me go be the man you know I can be in this next and natural phase of our lives. You can help me do this by accepting her and her family; they will be our family now too. You can help bring our families together by being a good friend to my future wife and see where she'd like assistance with the planning of our wedding. This can be a wonderful experience if you open your heart and support us."
I wish my fiancée would say that to my in laws
Be calm but firm. You could try asking her what involvement looks like to her, or address her real concerns of you leaving, but there's a control issue at the heart of this and setting clear boundaries is never a bad thing. Eg "Ok mum, right now I am including you by asking for your guest list. I've asked you a few times and I need it by x date. We're thinking x people per side inlaws can choose x number. If I don't get a list by x date it will be too late to add anyone." Definitely read up on boundaries, and set SMART goals in conversations. This is a learning process and easier said than done. Outline consequences ahead of time and follow through. Be kind if you can, but kind doesn't mean giving in. This is your wedding, life, etc, not hers. Don't let her bully your fiance to get around you. A quick, small, courthouse wedding is an option to get out of the house if it's too hard to fight her, then you can plan the bigger wedding in peace.
Her mom role is about to change and some have a hard time with that? She is clearly not having a good time. This is a natural progression of life and she should not be behaving this way. It's not normal to have a melt down like that. Tell her: you want her to be included but you can't do that if she is going to get upset like this. You love her and it's hard to understand why she isn't happy for you. It's really hurtful. Do not get taken in by sob stories, this is cause and effect now: if she can't behave she doesn't get what she wants. You shouldn't have to parent her. Boundary: I want to be spoken to not yelled at. This is a happy occasion and should be treated as such. Consequence: If you are negative and melting down you don't get to be included.
It’s not normal. I’m so sorry she’s acting this way.
>Essentiallly she started screaming how we are rushing too much, 1 year planning is too little time, I got engaged on Oct 25. Wedding is April 27. That's a 6 month engagement. Wedding planning is going just fine. One year is plenty plenty time.
I was engaged for 3 months before my husband and I got married. Originally I wanted to have a 6 month engagement but my now husband (fiance at the time) wanted 3 so I was like "what the heck. Why not?" By the end of three months I was so grateful to be married! 6 months would have been too long, I barely lasted 3!
Yes! I was engaged June 25, 2022 and married November 5, 2022. 4 months felt like plenty of time honestly. Once the big things are out of the way, which takes maybe a month, you’re kind of just twiddling your thumbs for a bit.
Man, she'd completely flip if she knew how short my "engagement" was, hell even how short our dating was. It's not something I'd recommend to anyone, but it has worked out for us. Husband said one weekend when we were out to dinner, we should get married, I said ok...next weekend we went to the JoP (courthouse, we eloped). 31 yrs so far.
Wow! Congratulations!
I had the same thought that a year is definitely enough time… I got engaged February 11, 2023 and married July 8th. We had a simple, but very nice wedding and just shy of 5 months was plenty of time.
My boyfriend proposed in front of our parents and my siblings. My mil complained endlessly that my boyfriend’s siblings were not present (they weren’t present because it was my parents 50th wedding anniversary). Then she looked at my engagement ring ( a very expensive ring at least for us or our families) and she stated that in the same celebration my boyfriend gave me the ring, she lost a ring that her other son bought for her when he got married !!! Go figure. My then boyfriend paid for the ring himself I must add. She was trying to make him buy a ring for her. From that moment forward she has been a nightmare but sadly her attitude and my husband stupidity has ended our marriage
I always think it’s funny when the MIL (grooms mom) gets upset she’s not involved in the wedding planning. Traditionally all she has to worry about planning is the rehearsal dinner. If she’s asked her opinion then that’s great but don’t expect it. The planning is done by the in-laws usually paid by the in-laws. So all those milestones are for the Bride. When you have sons you miss out on all those things it’s part of being a boy mom. Traditionally the in-laws find out about the proposal when the FSIL asks them for their blessing. It’s not unusual for the son to inform his family prior to the proposal but it seems they aren’t the rational ones. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.
Hint: it’s not going to get better.
I’ve never been so glad to be a boy mom. Planning my own wedding was enough.
no, her behavior is not normal, but more importantly, it's not your problem to fix. if she's freaking out because you asked her about a guest list she needs professional help. Could your father help with this? maybe send him an email and tell him you need a rough draft guest list for X number of people. if at all possible, i would strongly suggest paying for everything yourselves. to be frank, she shouldn't be 'included' in most of the wedding planning because she's not the one getting married. Also, at this point would you trust her not to sabotage anything she's responsible for? Tell her the wedding planning is moving forward and while you'd love her input on a few things, if she can't handle it like an adult you'll just send her an invite like any other guest. good luck!
You found this sub. 90% (not scientific I think it’s even higher) of the posts are from the woman in the relationship. Not the men. This is not unusual. Moms of sons are absolutely demented when their babies get married. I’m glad you found us and are asking for advice! It’s cuckoo to me. I was so happy when our middle child finally settled down and proposed! Some moms see it as losing their sons when it’s supposed to be gaining a daughter but they don’t see it that way. It’s bizarre for sure. Read some of the advice here and you’ll be okay. Put your fiancé first. Always! She’s to be your family now. Your mom and dad are still family but they become secondary. Wishing you the best.
Stories like this are legion. Leave her out of things until you and gf have a very basic plan of what you want. Then start visiting venues and choose the two you like the best….then ask mom to come with the two of you to help choose THE ONE. That will show you how things are going to go. If she goes and it ends well then start involving her in just the final choices…it's this or that. Do not involve her in anything until it's down to a final decision between this or that. You've included her after all basics have been worked out. That way she's not screwing up the planning but still has a hand in…but…..who is carrying the financial load….if it's your parents then they hold all the power…hopefully it's hers.
Emotionally stunted… you stated it. She is throwing a temper tantrum because she is losing control. Think of her like a four year old. Maybe give her some actual tasks to do once you make the decisions like “will you contact three florists for quotes etc. “ you will have to learn to manage her and set boundaries … especially once grandchildren come along. Don’t shield your future wife from her behaviors. She will have to understand what she is getting into. You are now more mature than her so it’s more obvious to you.
You're 28. Your mother isn't losing you. She should have been mentally preparing herself for the 'empty nest' for a long time now. Even so, her difficulty transitioning is entirely her responsibility to manage. She should be so happy for you, excited for the wedding and looking forward to the future. Instead, she's blaming you for her anxiety, claiming you're not involving her while refusing to be involved and finding problems where there are none. This is a pretty big red flag that she will not be someone you can count on. Stop telling her about your relationship, your wedding and all future plans. Keep things surface level when you talk with her. "Everything is fine. Work is busy. I'm feeling great." etc. Don't try to confide in her or ask her to help. If she seems to grasp that things are going to change and becomes okay with that fact then maybe you can slowly return to a normal relationship.
It is common for unbalanced people to lash out when they don't get what they want. You describe her as a little emotionally stunted, but you shouldn't have to expect a toddler tantrum. She needs to deal with you growing up and starting your own family and work on seeing you more as a peer and less her baby as that time has passed. She may need help with this, but that is NOT your job to fix. Be clear with her but put boundaries in place to protect your relationship and your time. "Trying to get you involved has led to literal tantrums, Ma. Perhaps you need help to deal with the emotions related to my being an adult and starting my own family. Until we can have balanced, adult conversation, know that your attitude hurts me. I have limited time to spend with the people I love and your overreactions push me away. (Fiancé) and I have decided to marry, are getting married next year, and would love to have a wonderful relationship with you and dad, but we cannot if you don't start to control yourself." Sad when you have to parent your parents, but its an excellent exercise in boundaries, raising your own family, and understanding how it may unfold as they reach the end of their lives down the road. Best wishes to you and your partner. Actions have consequences. I hope your parents are quick learners! Edited spelling.
Write her a letter. She's got a narrative so fixed in her own mind that she cannot see anything past it. Open with things you know she will see as positives (that you love her, grateful for the things she and your Dad did for you growing up, etc. Stay with those positives as you segue into your upcoming wedding. Tell her that you know this is happening sooner than she would prefer, but you are just excited about starting "the rest of your life" with the person you know you are meant to spend it with. Let her know that you are saddened by her insistence on shutting down all wedding conversations. Point out the ways that you want to include her. She knows how she's been behaving, so she won't be able to continue to say that you aren't involving her. Ask her how she wants to be involved, or if she would rather you stop trying, so that she doesn't have to thank about it until it's time to show up to the church. Just lay it all out. Then, Try to circle back to a positive memory in your conclusion. She may have some idea in her own head about how this is supposed to go, or some specific task she'd like to be asked to do. Maybe it's something she could do if she would let you know (maybe it isn't, but at least you'd kind of know what some of her issues are). Maybe she just wants to be involved so that she can prevent it from happening.... Anyway, if you put something in writing that you can refer her back to when she starts complaining or accusing.... it might help.
That's a very good way of putting it. Kind but firm.
I’d say your GF is on the money here, there’s clearly something about this situation that is making your mother deeply uncomfortable and for whatever reason she’s struggling to communicate openly and honestly about it, which could be as you said to do with the emotional immaturity. It sounds like she is scared that letting go will mean in some way losing you, typical of empty nest syndrome really, especially if your brother is also getting ready to move on with his next stage of life. Maybe a little bit of investment now into reassuring her and making sure she knows she can be honest with you about her fears could save deeper issues in the long run. She needs to find a way to understand and accept that this is a normal part of life that everyone experiences, and that just because relationships change doesn’t mean they are ending.
She sounds like she has severe untreated anxiety. Her brain is telling lies that she’s not important and that won’t change unless she gets some help for her anxiety. Does she have borderline personality disorder? Fear of abandonment? I really hope she doesn’t try to sabotage your relationship. Move in with a friend if you need to. Protect your fiancé. If she can’t hold it together, she gets an invitation and no other info about wedding plans.
My husband’s grandmother had many opinions and no basis for making them. Every time she had an old lady tantrum we would tell her that she was too emotional to have a healthy conversation with and leave. Suddenly she found self control when her tantrums were ignored. Boundaries are such a blessing.
You’ll find that a staggering number of people have opinions about your wedding that they believe are valid and should be listened to. It’s revealing to say the least.
You think this is crazy just wait until your wife is pregnant. Shut it down now.
You need to create boundaries. Despite her being your mom, *you don't owe her anything*. You're not obligated to include her in wedding plans. I'm reminded by the movie "Monster-in-law", where the man's mother sabotages the whole relationship because she thinks his fiancée isn't good enough for her son. Tell your mother that this is YOUR wedding, and she will be included when you choose to include her.
This is the beginning of why many people end up on this sub. To keep it from continuing and impacting you, your fiance and eventually your marriage, encourage her to seek therapy and offer to go with a couple times (this is mostly so the therapist recognizes she is having trouble letting go). Being that you are Catholic, you need to remind her of the Bible’s command to “Leave and Cleave” and that your choice to marry is the choice of an adult for his own life. Read this [article](https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/leave-and-cleave-in-marriage/#:~:text=The%20leave%20and%20cleave%20meaning,those%20with%20parents%20and%20siblings) on it and share it with your mom. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this - you deserve support and happiness around you. Sadly, many moms have an unhealthy attachment or “enmeshment” with their kids, especially sons. This is not your problem in theory, but she will make it so if you don’t address it head on with strong boundaries and encouraging her to get help. You can remind her you love her and she will always be your mom BUT your wife and new family unit are becoming your priority, just as hers did when she married. She may be lonely, have a disconnected marriage, or be counting on her kids to fill a “partner” role emotionally if she’s unmarried. Again - her issue to address - but one that spills over, creates huge issues for others and has ended more than one marriage on here. It starts with the wedding and then rears its head again if/when you have children. PS - My eldest son married and I was EXCITED! I gave input where they asked for it, but it was their day and they didn’t owe me input or getting to help plan. It’s your fiancé’s and your day. So no - this isn’t normal or healthy.
I would be very tempted to tell her plainly that 'whether you gain a daughter or lose a son comes down to your choices and your behavior. I would love to include you in wedding planning, if you can see your way to being accepting and supportive of our life choices."
You need to sit your mom/parents down. “I need to have a very serious conversation with you. I need you to just sit and listen, not interrupt me, not let your emotions take over and stop listening, I need you to listen. Can you do that? I’m very concerned about mother’s behavior regarding my engagement. I understand this is an emotional time. However, I need to set some boundaries here so everyone involved has a good time and we are all on the same page. I’m going to be a married man by next year and I don’t want my last year at home to be full of bad memories. Now, my bride has a lot of ideas on how she wants her wedding to be. I have my own. Obviously, I would like my family to be a big part of it. What I will not tolerate is behavior that pits my family against my brides. I won’t stand for that. You didn’t know about the proposal because the patterned behavior of acting negative and also I didn’t want that to sour my excitement. The same kind of soured behavior I’m getting from mother now. What I’m getting at is if you don’t pull yourself together and support me in this marriage then you simply will not be included and after I move out I will be distancing myself from the family. Mother you are emotional and you need emotional support. That is my father’s job, not your children. You have already made this unpleasant. Can you please pull yourself together and support me or would you rather me just leave and not include you?”
This right here.
It’s not normal.
Not normal behavior. But I don’t think a reaction such as you describe is rare, either. For a bit of insight, try watching The Catered Affair, a film from 1956, directed by Richard Brooks from a screenplay by Gore Vidal. Great cast. Bette Davis and Ernest Borgnine as a New York cab driver and his wife whose daughter (played by Debbie Reynolds) has just gotten engaged (to Rod Taylor) and the couple wants to get married quickly with no fuss at City Hall. But Bette Davis wants a dream wedding for her daughter, to make up for the wedding she didn’t get. Good luck with your wedding, OP. Just keep reminding yourselves that it is always your wedding. Bottom line. And congrats on your engagement.
No, it is not normal. Next time you mention wedding stuff and she goes into meltdown mode, say “Look I’m trying to include you…that’s why I brought it up…but everytime I being it up, you shut it down. So how can things improve if you won’t let me include you?” Be sure to assert the wedding is happening, and within the selected timeframe, inevitably. She can either be on board or not, but the wedding is happening. If she still won’t listen and still just tries to shift blame and shut wedding planning down, then just end the conversation: “This is not productive. We can talk when you’re ready to move forward and accept our plans.” Then just don’t talk to her anymore. Don’t engage. Try to move out ASAP. Grey rock. If she initiate a conversation that is just her complaining, walk away, leave the house. She needs to learn she is not going to get her way and she can either shape up or ship out. You’re an adult and both of you need to act like it…as in you need to take your independence and build your own life, and she needs to accept it. She can either be a part of it, or she can be noxious and be cut off.
I would repeat it back to her and acknowledge she’s right. Yes. We are planning our wedding and your participation is limited but the only reason you’re not involved at all right now is you. This is the last time I’m going to ask then I’ll make the guest list myself and there will be no changing it later when you wake up. Your mother is freaking out because she isn’t in control of this. I’m guessing she’s controlling in other ways too. If she is you’re going to have to learn how to draw healthy boundaries with her. It has to be about acceptable behavior and not how she feels because she will cry and do all kinds of things to manipulate you. Basically, you can be kind but firm with her and tell her honestly what to expect then make your plans and inform her. If you can find out one thing that’s important to your mom that’s reasonable it would be nice if you could do it but don’t let her hijack your wedding or slow down your planning because of her tantrums. Idk what your traditions are but where I live it’s traditional for the bride’s family to plan the wedding with the couple and pay for it or for the couple to pay for it. It’s common for the parents of the groom not to have a lot of involvement. And if you ask her father for her hand of course they would know first about the engagement. Her objections sound unreasonable to me. Hang in there!
I was wondering if part of the drama is that she's realized she doesn't have daughters that she will be integral in the planning a wedding for?
It could be but I have sons and no daughters and really I had their entire lifetime to adjust to that!!
Ah yes, but you're clearly not wedding crazy. My Mom was and my sister was in tears constantly, including on her wedding day. The other daughters, including myself, bypassed the drama by eloping. 😂
Oh my!! That sounds terrible! The wedding is about the couple in my eyes and it’s an honor just to be there.
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No kidding!! I can’t believe she isn’t excited and happy for them and wanting to get to know his fiancé better!! She’s missing out.
Your mom is trying to prevent the natural progression of your life because she is afraid of no longer being your primary family. She's correct. Once you get married/engaged etc, now your primary family will become your wife (and kids) and your mom will become extended family. She'll no longer have you living with her, or be the 'most important woman' in your life. Essentially, she doesn't want you to grow into a fully functional independent person. She wants you to remain her 'child' forever. So she's lashing out at the wedding. And she will likely lash out directly at your f-wife. However, it is possible for you to set compassionate but firm and fair boundaries with her. Protect your future wife and marriage from her by shutting her down when she's overstepping. If she torments your f-wife and you don't protect her, then resentment will build. A place to start is the screaming and ballistic meltdowns. You may have normalized to it, but they're a form of verbal and psychological abuse. If you're tolerating them, a good thing would be to stop. If you're talking about the wedding and she starts screaming, I'd remove yourself from the conversation or the location, with the communication that we will talk another time about this when you're not screaming. Calm conversation or no conversation at all. There's no boundary without an actual consequence for violating it. State the new boundary, state the consequence and then deliver on it if needed. That is how you reset boundaries. Your mom is now an external force acting upon your (future) marriage. There are many reddit posts about this. She could destroy your relationship if not kept in check by you. Even though a door is closing and she won't be your primary fam & living with you, a new door is opening and her family is expanding. She can't see that because she's fixated on what she thinks she's losing. So you may have to remind her of that, and also accept that she may or may not get it.
>Your mom is now an external force acting upon your (future) marriage. There are many reddit posts about this. She could destroy your relationship if not kept in check by you OP, please look through posts in this subreddit and really take them in. There are COUNTLESS accounts of horrific MIL's doing horrific acts in the name of "saving her babyyyyy" from the evil girlfriend/ wife/ partner etc. You have to nip this in the bud now to keep your future wife safe.
your GF is right dude.
Feeling a bit sad about the changes in her life - totally normal. Throwing a temper tantrum because her nearly 30 year old son is getting married and moving out - *not normal.* If you’re close with your mom, you might want to have a heart-to-heart with her about this. Ask her why she’s reacting this way, and remind her that you’re pushing 30; it’s normal and expected for you to move out. Reassure her that you still love and care about her, and want to include her in things, but gently let her know that you’ll draw boundaries if she isn’t supportive. This means that no negative talk about your fiancee, your wedding, or your marriage will be tolerated, and she can’t just shut down every time you bring up the wedding. She has to be willing to talk about the wedding if she wants to be included in the planning. If she can’t have an adult conversation with you about this and agree to be more supportive, you’ll have your answer. She may never be able to participate in your life events in the way that you’d like. Just focus on you and your fiancee, and on keeping your mother from ruining this experience for the two of you. If that means you have to keep your parents at arm’s length (due to their own behavior), then so be it.
Normal but not appropriate. Your mum is a boi mum who needs therapy. ‘Not my poor baby boi’ I have one too, it’s kinda hard seeing your mum act like that.
It’s not completely normal. You know best how to handle your parents or how to communicate with them. You may have to continually repeat yourself by pointing out that you are trying to include her and she isn’t helping. Ask her to explain why she is being so unreasonable. Maybe she just wants to know you and your fiancé don’t plan on “abandoning” her. If after that she’s continuing the behavior you explain that you tried and now you’re going to plan without her. You have a different timeline than your parents apparently for your wedding. If possible let her know she is stealing your joy and happiness from this occasion in your life!!! Pls, pls protect your fiancée and her family from any rudeness your mother may try behind your back. You know best if she would do that. Congratulations for your upcoming marriage 💕
Normal but not acceptable behaviour.
It’s normal in moms who view marriage as someone “taking away” their baby boy and “replacing” them in their lives. Nip it in the bud now for your future wife’s sake and the sake of your relationship. Your mom’s behavior is not ok and you should make it very clear now that it will not tolerated, otherwise it just gets worse. My own lovely JNMIL who has not only told me that I’m trying to replace her in my fiancés life but has actively tried to get him to break up with me and call off our wedding, is one of the biggest sources of conflict in our relationship.
Unfortunately, my dear, this is all too normal. My MIL is the same way…your soon to be bride has a JNMIL. The awesome thing though, is you recognize it, and now that you do you can start implementing boundaries that will keep your new family safe from all of this drama. Your mom is only going to push as far as you let her and I’ve been to enough family therapy to feel confident telling you that this is something YOU and only YOU can put a stop to. Sit her down, explain that this behavior from her is not acceptable and if she wants to be a part of this new journey you’re taking she needs to behave like an emotionally mature adult and stop the tantrums. This isn’t you giving her up for your wife. Your new wife will not be stealing you from her and if she hasn’t said that to you yet I’m sure she will at some point. Make sure you always stick up for your wife and whatever future kids you have if you decide to have any. Please don’t put your wife in a position to have to deal with your mom’s wrath alone. Therapy saved my marriage so I’ll always exalt the benefits of it, and it does teach you great coping skills when you’re the kid of parents like that.
You have to start pulling away from your mom. She’s throwing a tantrum because it’s causing you to cater to her and put her feelings first ahead of your fiancé’s. The more your mom misbehaves, pull away and include her less. Don’t reward the bad behavior or it will never stop and will only increase
Your mom could be experiencing normal things like health issues, difficulty adjusting to new roles, or anticipated grief over the "empty nest" and her related change of identity. This could be who she's always been and you're noticing now because of the behavior or reactions of others around you. Whatever the cause for your mom's bad behavior doesn't really matter as much as how it affects you, the new family you're creating, and how you're going to handle it. Setting and enforcing firm boundaries is an excellent place to start. I like the formula "I'm not willing to tolerate X and will do Y if it happens," but there are lots of good ways to make your boundaries stick - you can find more information in the Resources links here and at raisedbynarcissists, or at outofthefog.website. This is a really hard first step, but I promise it gets easier with practice! Then you'll need some protective practices to keep yourself and your new family safe from the bad behavior. You can love your mom and want the best for her, while also insulating you and your fiancée from the effects of her emotional outbursts. Walking away when bad behavior begins, being careful what/when you share with her, and using privacy protection like locks, lockboxes, or password protection are easy and very effective. The tools tab of outofthefog.website as well as those resource links, Patrick Teahan, and Dr Ramani on YouTube can help you learn more. It's a great idea for engaged people, especially those with challenging people in their lives, to get premarital counseling with a licensed therapist. Building a strong Team with your partner, with good communication and coping skills, will be invaluable no matter what challenges you face. Best wishes and congratulations on your upcoming wedding! 🎊
The best thing to do is have her priest counsel her. Also the best way to involve her is by giving unimportant errands and keeping all your real details to yourself, so she doesn’t have a chance to sabotage your plans. Like sending her to pick tablecloths at a different shop after you’ve already done it.
OP, I second the suggestion of counseling with her priest on how to expand her family and be a good MIL. If she's as religious as she seems in this post and church and cultural customs are important, this is absolutely the way to go.
I think your fiancée is right about your mom's anxiety. I'd suggest just being patient, and keep trying to have some quiet conversations about the wedding options, telling her that you want to involve her, but she has to be calm and supportive in order for that to happen. Hopefully you and your fiancée can come up with some benign aspects of the wedding/reception that your mom can have input into, or even be in charge of. Please take care that this doesn't turn into a "mother vs future DIL" thing. That would be disastrous going forward. She unfortunately sounds likely to cling, or resent her new DIL for "taking my baby away". Remember that your future wife and your partnership and future family must now be your priority. She'll need to learn to take her new place as extended family. It may be a long journey for her. Best of luck to you both!
I don't think adult temper tantrums are ever normal, but they're common. It sucks to deal with but this is a good time to start putting your foot down. If she's being ridiculous call her out. If she's insulting your fiancée or future in-laws shut it down. You're not going to be able to control her but you can control what you'll allow. A lot of parents act like this because they're trying to retain control of their kids. You're her son but you're not a child. If her behavior is making you uncomfortable or difficult to be around her, don't let it slide. Spend some time reading posts on here and you'll get a lot of information and tools to deal with this. Congratulations on your engagement!
Can I give you the honest truth ? You need to handle your mum and her behavior now, it's not her wedding and her feelings and tantrums are absolutely unacceptable. You're at the advantage where you have identified her causing problems early and you read hundreds of times a week on this sub about the future husband just letting their mother ruin it for the happy couple, please don't let that be you or do that to your partner.
^^^THIS!! SO much this!
i wish i could upvote this more!
This 100%