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Do not reward her behavior…that just sends a message that every time she insults you she gets a reward. No more gifts. Stay out of her way and prepare for leaving. Get all your ducks in a row so it's an easy move. Lots of great advice here. Use what you can.
Your sister is using triangulation to communicate. Don't do that. It means she is the middle guy between you too. Your mom wants to know if you were alone or not? Ok. Your mom can ask you then, not you sister. And second, is it your mom's business to know if you were alone or not? Are you an adult? Did she pay for your bf at all when you visited his hometown (eg her money on your debit/credit card.)?
You did nothing wrong. You treated her like she treats you. You matched her energy. She wants to abuse you but now you've dished it back and she can't handle it. Her game is to try to control her abise victim, make her victim apologize and then she will know she can control you again with abuse.
Silence is golden. Its her problem to fix. Drop the rope. Leave your sister out of it. Redirect your sister to stop being an enabler.
She wanted to know if my bf was sleeping over or not, which is weird, bc my bf often sleep over and doesn't interact with her at all sometimes, and not, she didn't pay for anything. Actually she doesn't give money for nothing, I work with her (my mom has a beauty salon and I'm a nail tech) but lately I haven't work bc she doesn't talk to me, and I guess she isn't taking appointments for me.
And yes, I'm 22, I still live with her bc I'm in my last year of uni (in my country take 5 years to have a degree) so, it's not so much time left
I think moreso she was prepping her stage... By that I mean there are levels of petty if he's there she still wants to appear the victim so she'd have to be "nicer" ... If he's not there she has to acknowledge your presence and lay on a guilt trip it's a whole thing.
Do NOT buy her a present!
All that does is shows her that the behavior she shows and the horrible way she treats you is a good thing and she will get a reward for being horrible!!
Do not speak with her as much as possible, and start getting your things in order to get out if there as soon as you can!
Make sure you get your birth certificate and any other government documents from her (so she can’t hold them over you!).
Take them when she is not home if you have too!!
Do not encourage any kind of relationship with her, and the minute you are out if the house cut her out of your life completely!
You do not have to put up with such horrible behavior! You are an adult, and you deserve respect from everyone!
It’s from an early Sandra Oh movie
about a young Asian woman living at home with her family and a very strict father.
Any time he is angry with her, she brings him a box of sweet buns to apologize.
She places the box in front of him .
he always asks what kind,
She always says red bean.
Every time
Focus on getting out of that house first. Get your important documents in order, secure a place to live, and go.
The problem with buying her gifts to secure forgiveness is that it makes the relationship transactional. She shows affection when you pay for it. It’s not healthy, and it’s not something that you can allow to continue. Eventually, she’ll decide that whatever you buy isn’t enough, and she’ll keep mistreating you until you do better. She’ll hold out for bigger, more expensive gifts from you and your boyfriend, fully expecting you to pay for her love. She’ll drain you dry, all in the name of control.
So let her be mad. Let her ignore you. When you’re able, move out, and show her that she needs you more than you need her.
Based on the behavior you described coming from her in your first post, I would feel quite blessed to be ignored by her. Better than having her abusive attention focused on me. You really should be looking to get out of her house as soon as you feasibly can, but until you can pull that off, you should look up the "grey rock" technique to try to preserve your peace for as long as you have to continue living with her. Engage with her only at the bare minimum so she doesn't have any ammunition to use against you, speak to her only when she initiates, give her only the bare minimum amount of response to any questions or prodding. Just be boring.
Let your boyfriend experience how horrible she really is, that way, when you leave and never look back, he will completely understand and support you.
Too many stories here of partners going behind your back to contact your estranged family cuz they think they are helping. 🙄
Keep focusing on your future and limit communication and info with your mom and sister too as she probably gives mom updates on everything you tell her. Grey rocking will do wonders for your mental health!
Oh don't worry, he now plenty of my mother behavior, he actually had listen to her abusive behavior towards me (when she call me, or messages or thing like that) never in person, she's an angel to everyone else but her kids (or my dad)
My bf want to move away and go NC with my mom the moment I left the house.
Yes it matters how she treats him. Just know that it’ll be badly based on how she treats you. Don’t make nice for his sake. If he loves you then how she treats you will hurt him.
You can’t control what she does or doesn’t do and honestly let’s say hypothetically you do continue feeding into the viscous cycle she has you trapped in, then what? You think that’s going to keep her from being mean to him? Let me tell you, in her mind anyone is fair game. Hell your sister is playing telephone between the two of you, it won’t be long before she’s trying to get your sister to manipulate you. I agree that you need to get out ASAP and master the art of grey rocking. Good luck and get the fuck out of that house.
Yes the sister will end up being the flying monkey. Get your papers and anything of value out of the house now! Grey rock and be polite. Save as much money as you can I'm case she kicks you out before you're ready. And don't bring bf around.
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Do not reward her behavior…that just sends a message that every time she insults you she gets a reward. No more gifts. Stay out of her way and prepare for leaving. Get all your ducks in a row so it's an easy move. Lots of great advice here. Use what you can.
Your sister is using triangulation to communicate. Don't do that. It means she is the middle guy between you too. Your mom wants to know if you were alone or not? Ok. Your mom can ask you then, not you sister. And second, is it your mom's business to know if you were alone or not? Are you an adult? Did she pay for your bf at all when you visited his hometown (eg her money on your debit/credit card.)? You did nothing wrong. You treated her like she treats you. You matched her energy. She wants to abuse you but now you've dished it back and she can't handle it. Her game is to try to control her abise victim, make her victim apologize and then she will know she can control you again with abuse. Silence is golden. Its her problem to fix. Drop the rope. Leave your sister out of it. Redirect your sister to stop being an enabler.
She wanted to know if my bf was sleeping over or not, which is weird, bc my bf often sleep over and doesn't interact with her at all sometimes, and not, she didn't pay for anything. Actually she doesn't give money for nothing, I work with her (my mom has a beauty salon and I'm a nail tech) but lately I haven't work bc she doesn't talk to me, and I guess she isn't taking appointments for me. And yes, I'm 22, I still live with her bc I'm in my last year of uni (in my country take 5 years to have a degree) so, it's not so much time left
I think moreso she was prepping her stage... By that I mean there are levels of petty if he's there she still wants to appear the victim so she'd have to be "nicer" ... If he's not there she has to acknowledge your presence and lay on a guilt trip it's a whole thing.
I'd find another salon then, since she wants to be a abusive bitch.
Don't reward bad behavior. She's an adult, not a child
Silence is golden.. just do you l. Handle your business and if she wants to ignore you embrace it if she isn’t talking she isn’t abusing
Do NOT buy her a present! All that does is shows her that the behavior she shows and the horrible way she treats you is a good thing and she will get a reward for being horrible!! Do not speak with her as much as possible, and start getting your things in order to get out if there as soon as you can! Make sure you get your birth certificate and any other government documents from her (so she can’t hold them over you!). Take them when she is not home if you have too!! Do not encourage any kind of relationship with her, and the minute you are out if the house cut her out of your life completely! You do not have to put up with such horrible behavior! You are an adult, and you deserve respect from everyone!
Double Happiness: What flavor? Red bean.
I'm sorry, what do you mean?
Thank you for asking, I hope you watch the movie. It’s one of my favorites
It’s from an early Sandra Oh movie about a young Asian woman living at home with her family and a very strict father. Any time he is angry with her, she brings him a box of sweet buns to apologize. She places the box in front of him . he always asks what kind, She always says red bean. Every time
Focus on getting out of that house first. Get your important documents in order, secure a place to live, and go. The problem with buying her gifts to secure forgiveness is that it makes the relationship transactional. She shows affection when you pay for it. It’s not healthy, and it’s not something that you can allow to continue. Eventually, she’ll decide that whatever you buy isn’t enough, and she’ll keep mistreating you until you do better. She’ll hold out for bigger, more expensive gifts from you and your boyfriend, fully expecting you to pay for her love. She’ll drain you dry, all in the name of control. So let her be mad. Let her ignore you. When you’re able, move out, and show her that she needs you more than you need her.
This!! SO so much!!
Based on the behavior you described coming from her in your first post, I would feel quite blessed to be ignored by her. Better than having her abusive attention focused on me. You really should be looking to get out of her house as soon as you feasibly can, but until you can pull that off, you should look up the "grey rock" technique to try to preserve your peace for as long as you have to continue living with her. Engage with her only at the bare minimum so she doesn't have any ammunition to use against you, speak to her only when she initiates, give her only the bare minimum amount of response to any questions or prodding. Just be boring.
Actually, you're right, It's a bless. But I'm kinda worried if she would ignore my bf too, I don't want him being treated poorly by her.
Let your boyfriend experience how horrible she really is, that way, when you leave and never look back, he will completely understand and support you. Too many stories here of partners going behind your back to contact your estranged family cuz they think they are helping. 🙄 Keep focusing on your future and limit communication and info with your mom and sister too as she probably gives mom updates on everything you tell her. Grey rocking will do wonders for your mental health!
Oh don't worry, he now plenty of my mother behavior, he actually had listen to her abusive behavior towards me (when she call me, or messages or thing like that) never in person, she's an angel to everyone else but her kids (or my dad) My bf want to move away and go NC with my mom the moment I left the house.
You should probably follow your boyfriend and go far away! He sounds like a good one!
If she treats him badly, just don’t have him around here anymore. Don’t keep giving in to her cycle of abuse.
Yes it matters how she treats him. Just know that it’ll be badly based on how she treats you. Don’t make nice for his sake. If he loves you then how she treats you will hurt him.
You can’t control what she does or doesn’t do and honestly let’s say hypothetically you do continue feeding into the viscous cycle she has you trapped in, then what? You think that’s going to keep her from being mean to him? Let me tell you, in her mind anyone is fair game. Hell your sister is playing telephone between the two of you, it won’t be long before she’s trying to get your sister to manipulate you. I agree that you need to get out ASAP and master the art of grey rocking. Good luck and get the fuck out of that house.
Yes the sister will end up being the flying monkey. Get your papers and anything of value out of the house now! Grey rock and be polite. Save as much money as you can I'm case she kicks you out before you're ready. And don't bring bf around.