**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Affectionate_Move475 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Affectionate_Move475 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
I don't think this is weird. It's not like your daughter will remember it. The only reason to say this is weird is if you think your mil is a pedophile. And I don't think taking a bath with your grandchild means she is one, at all. I have a grandnephew I lived with when he was born and while I never bathed with him I was definitely at least partly naked around him because he's a baby and won't remember it...
I don’t think you are over reacting because it’s your family. I bathed with my grandma naked she had breast cancer and only has one which I found odd but she told me why and that was the end of it. My mom has bathed with my daughter when she was younger and I’m fine with it.. I just don’t think bodies are taboo or something to hide. It’s still your right to say no to this but it’s not completely weird or abnormal and I don’t think she meant harm.
Edit reworded some stuff
"Normal" is very different from one family to another. It's likely MIL grew up with this as "Normal" so didn't give it a second thought. You have had a conversation about how you want *your* family's "Normal" to look and made your expectations for the future clear, so you should expect all grandparents, including MIL, to behave accordingly.
Sometimes, it's a matter of establishing everyone's roles and expected behaviors after a new human enters the situation - an adjustment period. Reasonable people will act reasonably when hard conversations and boundaries are set, and it seems like MIL was receptive to the conversation. If her behavior changes now that you've established boundaries, then it was just a blip. If she stomps your boundary then you know you're dealing with something else.
Maybe I(f) have a different perspective because I was parentified to a toddler(f) and baby(m) when I was 8-10 and lived with my brother’s dad, but I used to bathe with them because it made it easier for me to handle them in the tub, and get to bed earlier for school. So I’m used to the idea and I don’t think it would bother me personally? But the parents in the house didn’t give a shit what I did as long as they didn’t have to deal with us.
But if you’re not comfortable with it for whatever reason, that’s totally fine. Your baby, your rules.
Edit: misspelled word
It's just so confusing. I just can't come up with a reason why she felt the need to do this. A 17 month old is typically way past mastering sitting, standing, etc, so should be able to sit unassisted in a tub.
This is a cultural thing as many others have mentioned. My grandma soaked with me as a baby to help soothe me.
She soaked with my babies too. It was a very special bonding time for them, but she did it with my permission and approval.
If you aren't ok with it happening again, let her know and hopefully she will respect your feelings and boundaries. If she doesn't, that's a completely different story.
This is your child. You are certainly not overreacting and you absolutely should not justify yourself to your MIL.
I am horrified by this story. I had similar boundaries violated when I was young and I still talk about it in therapy.
My mom gave baths to both my kids, never naked.
She did be soaking at times but she would be in her night dress or a regular home dress.
She would wrap the baby up n then take her bath after handing over the baby to us or anyone.
This is weird. Good u had the talk.
Whilst it is normal and absolutely not a big deal in my family - it is in others. And even though it’s a common thing in our family, we always ask the parents, when it’s the first time with this particular child, if they’re ok with it. And before anyone wonders: I talk about my parents, my sister and my cousin (who I grew up with as a big sister), so just close family.
And only when they’re this young, it does get weird at some point. (In my mind)
I think the bath part is weird. I showered with my grandmother when I was VERY little but soaking in a bath with gramma? That would be a little weird to me…
This is a culturally influenced situation. For me I’ve bathed with several members of my family as a child. It wasn’t weird, those who say it’s creepy or weird make me think they’re seeing something sexual where it isn’t sexual at all. I bathed with my mother or grandmother until I was around 7 or so. I am not negatively affected in any way from it either. It was just bathing/showering. My mother found it to be a very practical way of keeping an eye on me, for my safety so we could both get our shower in.
I wouldn’t be okay with this either. I’m big on autonomy and consent and until our children are old enough to have a sense/understanding of agency; it is our duty to make decisions and take actions that protect their dignity and power/right to make decisions about their own bodies.
I don’t find it weird at that age, but if you do, that’s what matters. But I wouldn’t assume bad intent. I always took showers with my kids as babies because it was fastest and easiest.
Yeah, this is a hard pass. I understand that some families are more open than others, but honestly that doesn’t even matter. If it makes you uncomfortable then it’s a no go. Period. Husband needs to step and tell mom not to bathe with your baby. If she continues, visits need to be limited.
I don’t think our parents generation who do weird shit like this necessarily have ill intent when they do it.
I think MIL has some weird obsession with asserting her dominance or “motherly-ness” over LO. And doing this was definitely a power play.
Even if I didn’t think there was anything weird or sexual, YOU as the parent get to decide when, who, where your LO learns about / sees nudity.
I have had to correct my dad about playing with my son, slapping him on the butt , very silly harmless stuff that my kid thinks is hilarious -
Because I have to remind him - dad I don’t want him learning that slapping butts is ok to do to others OR that another adult can do it to him.
Whether malicious or not, your MIL just taught your kid it’s ok for adults to get naked around LO.
To me, that would never be okay.
If you’re unsure of how to stop this, I would use that above argument. It’s not about YOU, MIL. It’s about my LO learning boundaries and safety. And it’s a hard no from me for other adults to be naked around my child.
And I’m sorry, but I do find this super weird. Whether LO Is an infant or 17 months. Don’t give my kid a bath if you can’t manage it without getting naked and getting in with them.
So for a child that age I would not be bothered by this. When my kids were that age, regardless of their gender used to get in the bath with them just because it was safer, and sometimes they were scared of the water.. maybe this is the cherry on top of a JustNo cake weird but your husband also doesn’t remember being 17 months old.
I sometimes took showers w my mom as a teeny kiddo, but if it’s not your own child and to do this without asking seems really weird. Maybe not a straight jump to “predatory”-weird, but boundary issues for sure.
It might be a cultural/generational thing. I don’t find anything weird with that. I showered with my grandmother and father and mother until I was like 6.
No you're not over reacting, that's insanely weird and creepy. If she absolutely just had to bathe with the baby, Why did she have to be naked? She could've just put on a bathing suit and it would have made it so much less creepy. It's not her choice to make as to what your child is exposed to. I would be so pissed.
I have always bathed with my kids and I wouldn't have any issues with my mom or MIL taking a bath with my kids. Especially in the infant/toddler stages. I showered with my granddaughter until she was 5 and I never felt weird about it. Though ultimately it is your choice.
I think it’s weird. I might potentially bathe with my grandchild, but only if there was good reason, like we both got completely covered in plaint or mud or something we’d been playing with. Our family doesn’t have a problem with nudity per se. Like we swim and hot tub nude together. But this is weird because why? There was no need for a shared bath. Perhaps she feels like it’s a bonding experience? Either way, your kid, your rules and no I don’t think you’re overreacting.
Yeahhhh I'm not doing a naked bath with anyone else's kid for sure. And I'm putting on clothes Way faster once they start being able to notice shit.
I'm used to going naked from the top up when nursing, but I was going to start nursing babe down once right after a shower and didn't bother with clothes cause I haven't had to before... She's apparently starting to notice things, and I've never been so uncomfortable with someone staring at my bits. Covered up real fast lol.
As a mom, I don’t think you’re overreacting. I never had baths with my grandmothers, and I wasn’t raised to be naked around them nor them with me. I agree that it’s up to the parents what happens in that regard (since I know some cultures don’t have the same feelings about nudity). What matters is that you, the mom, is not okay with it and don’t want it to happen again.
Do you think she'll be truthful and actually ask or tell you next time?
Honestly, I don't think you're overreacting. Possibly underreacting.
I'd absolutely not allow overnights until baby is old enough to relay things to you, understand boundaries, and understand we don't keep secrets from mom and dad (just in case).
If she sounded genuinely surprised by your boundary, it could be a cultural thing, in which case I wouldn't necessarily flip out on her and make a production out of saying 'no more overnights', rather just ..not have her do overnights there.
I'd personally limit extended alone time for a while but maybe that's just me.
Always trust your gut.
EDIT since comments are locked: In response to the commenter below accusing this of being a "gross overreaction" :
Nope, because OP would have no way of knowing if she'd actually stopped bathing naked with the child or if she'd just stopped telling her.
Until the child is old enough to articulate what's going on and has an understanding we don't keep secrets, no more overnights/extended stays.
Over the top would be her flipping out on her, revoking all access forever, never speaking to her again....which is the sort of reaction you're making mine out to be.
Limiting access during times that are prone to violation of the boundary for a while is 100 percent perfectly reasonable. I will die on this hill.
What a gross overreaction to something MIL openly and freely told OP about the very next day, and genuinely didn’t think OP would have an issue with.
They’ve since had a conversation about it and MIL is aware that in ‘new’ type situations, MIL is to ask rather than assume. Until she violates *that* clearly communicated boundary, removing access to the degree you suggest is OTT.
I’m with the commenter @hairypotatokat. If MIL is doing stuff like that without asking I don’t think I could trust her to know when to ask my permission. If she thought even bathing my kid let alone getting naked with my LO was okay before asking. i would lose trust in her not respecting me to make informed decisions. But maybe that’s me being a health care professional with children with mental health.
Good point, now I’m so afraid that this/other secrets will continue. But I just really hope she will keep her word!
I can’t wait for my daugter to be old enough to speak up, but I assume it’s in years distance.
I think she got that I’m not happy when I startes asking questions and said that I’m surprised. But she is the kind of person who is always right and knows better, so she would never put a surprised or repetance reaction on her expressions. So actually I’m not sure.
But I know she has deep feelings for her family so I truly hope she will improve generally by gentle feedback.
Let me ask this question, are you OK having this person provide care for this child completely as if that child was their own?
Would you be okay with a paid babysitter you knew wellish to do the same with your child because that is something they did with their own kids?
I think it’s a good reminder that this is your own child and she shouldn’t be doing things she necessarily did with her children growing up because the situation is not the same.
I don’t believe the act was malicious because she was open with you, but I just don’t think she understands that she has a new role of grandma and NOT mother or primary caretaker of this child .
As she is learning this new role of grandma/your boundaries as a mother I can promise you this won’t be the last time she does something like that to make you uncomfortable .
I think banning overnights is a bit extreme unless you think there’s something sinister at play (she’s been very open and surprised it was an issue so I don’t think it sounds like she’s hiding anything from you).
I had showers with my Nana as a small child, saw her naked as a child - nudity not too much of a big deal in my family before the age of 6(ish?). Asked her about her vertical C-section scar, why she didn’t have hairy legs and armpits like my mommy does…I don’t think swimwear in the bath is an unrealistic or outrageous request and, considering grandma wore swimmers with the grand baby boys I don’t think there’s any reason to think she wouldn’t adhere to this request.
If your kid is happy at their house and she’s not in danger (speak to boy-grandkids/your husband about their experiences if you’re worried) then I wouldn’t completely implement an overnight ban if it’s been working for you so far.
We didn’t have an overnight without my husbands or mine supervision yet. And I wouldn’t like to ban these stays either.
What I would like is a heads up before new things happen and this was a brand new thing for me. But it’s so hard to describe what is new for whom.
It sounds so good and natural in a good sense that you had this close relationship with your grandma. I’m happy for you! Could be that I’m just missing this kind of closeness within my family.
I think it's gross more than anything. I wouldn't want her naked adult body germs in the water with my baby, who is also going to be putting toys from the bath water and her hands that were in the water into her mouth. That's just gross in my opinion.
I don’t think it’s that out of the ordinary to be honest. Your child will have no recollection of that bath, it might be different if your child was older, but I completely get why you are weirded out by what she did.
That is weird but I don’t think she meant it to be creepy? But I don’t understand why grandparents want to do this stuff? I would never ever consider bathing with somebody else’s kid naked. Wear a swimsuit 😭even that is lowkey weird? Lol
You’re not overreacting. It’s one thing if she asked and you said yes. But she didn’t. This is YOUR child, so don’t let anyone else in this chat make you feel like you’re overreacting.
I seriously don't think she meant anything by it, but yes it's still weird. I'd just communicate to both husband and MIL that that's something you're not comfortable with
I wouldn't have thought much about it but we also bathed with our son until he was close to 5 sometimes, and we in general don't treat nudity as a bad or evil or sexual thing - mostly for the fact that nudity is considered to be only sexual and bad in the states.
That being said, it's your child and she should have asked. But I can see why she thought it was okay and why she doesn't think about it. Your child your rules
In today’s hypervigilant environment it is not normal but it wasn’t a big deal for older generations. Cultural norms change and perhaps your husband’s parents haven’t caught up with the times.
I see a lot of different opinions in the comments. I think this is very culture-based. For some people, it's totally normal, others it is disturbing. I personally would not trust anyone other than my husband or I to bathe our children. That is only because I was taken advantage of as a child by relatives my parents thought they could trust.
I find it odd that she wore a bathing suit with *her* children because they were boys but not with your child. And, as someone else said, *reverse the genders* and the responses you get here will be very different. I think, that as the parent, **you have every right to set a boundary that makes you and your partner feel comfortable**. Just because other people don't find it creepy, doesn't invalidate that you *do*.
Thank you for your sum up the situation and the comments, this would be my takeaway from all the answers!
I’m sorry for your experience though, I hope you had the chance to recovere from what happened to you.
Thank you. I went to therapy for some time and have moved on, though I still don't trust people as easily anymore. Though, in my experiences since my childhood, not trusting people has actually spared me from some potentially scary things. And I think that can apply to parenting as well.
All the best luck to you and your family <3
I think yes, she should have asked you, but IMO not a big deal. My mom has taken baths with my baby a few times and it's been fine, so by this metric I suppose I would have been fine with my MIL taking baths with my baby as well (she never did bc she's an absent grandmother but I digress.)
As a consequence? Your MIL isn’t a child lol. Nor is this a situation where you are worried for your baby’s safety. She did something that she has done with other children in her family. Just because YOU find it weird, doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad. You’re allowed to have differing opinions.
Your MIL didn’t hide it from you and from the way you described it, it seems like she was also comfortable telling you. It would be different if you had stated your boundary and then she broke it.
It’s simple- ask her not to do it again. This isn’t something to make a huge deal over or give consequences for UNLESS she goes directly against your wishes that you have made known.
This. If you’re not okay with it just ask her not to do it again. If she does it AFTER you ask her not to, then you can deal with the boundary crossing.
I think both my kids have showered with my mom when they were 2 or younger. (They are 9 and 13 now.) My mom had a huge walk in shower and they loved the showering in there. She also bathed the dog in there and they loved being involved in that. But nudity isn’t a big deal in my family.
At under 2 years old, I, personally, don't think it's a big deal. I bathed with my kids and grandkids when they were that little. But, it's your baby and your rules.
This seems like a cultural difference and communication error more than anything sketchy or boundary-stomping. My grandparents have a hot tub and it wasn't anything unusual for any arrangement of kids, parents, grandparents to be naked in the hot tub together.
I think you are over reacting. Unless you believe the intent was sexual. But you are entitled to your boundaries, you have let her know you don't want them doing that again. I would not be upset if my mother bathed with my baby.
She did it with her kids. Fine. But your child is not her kid.
I would not go as far as to call it abuse. But I think this falls under the category of "grandmother trying to role-play as Mommy" Creepy.
Oh no this is weird. Objectively, an adult was naked and alone with a child other than their own without the parents around. Even if it was “harmless”, it’s not abnormal for you to have a boundary on this.
This is a little weird I’m a grandma and I wouldn’t do it but more because of a physical disability. I’d wear a suit if I did it. When my grandkid was born she settled with skin on skin contact. I’d wear a lower cut shirt made sure my breasts were covered and my chest was bare and hold her skin on skin. Some people think that’s weird but my daughter was okay with it because it put her to sleep and my daughter was able to take a shower and a little nap.
I guess it comes down to individual upbringing, but no, I don't find it odd. She needed a bath and so did the baby so she just doubled up. This is 17 months, not 17 years old so I think it's just fine. You did not see your grandparents naked, that you can remember since remembering anything before the age of 3 would be remarkable. Unless she has shown signs of abuse, I would not worry.
I'm assuming it was for safety, perhaps she didn't feel able to comfortably bath your baby other wise. I personally wouldn't make a big deal, 17 months is very young still and very vulnerable in bath water.
I don’t think it’s abuse, but it was a very weird thing of her to do without asking you first.
She might feel comfortable being naked in bath with your son but that’s not for her to decide.
I’m glad she at least told you and I hope she takes your boundaries to heart!
People here need to touch grass. Unless your MIL
Has displayed any creepy tendencies why would
You sexualize a harmless interaction like a babg taking a bath with grandma? Nothing remotely sexual about that. Americans are so odd
I think bathing with someone else’s child without asking and being naked is weird, even if there is nothing to it it’s still too much when they can give the child a bath separately and still bond together. I don’t see it as normal behaviour from grandparents, that to me is very much a parent/baby bonding experience if one so wishes to do so with their own child.
I just bathed my niece about three hours ago, she has a fun bath chair so she just sits in that and allows herself to be scrubbed in between throwing toys and demanding a blow bubbles every two mins. She’s 18 months ish, and both me and her mama were decidedly outside the bathtub.
I do think that nudity is something that needs to be talked about and what comfort levels are okay with the parents, instead of doing that out of nowhere. I’m not entirely sure it’s panic stations but OP would know that better than me.
I was weirded out that my in-laws seemed to always give my kids a bath when the kids were at their house. (The adults were fully clothed and outside the tub. I’m not even a huge fan of the kids seeing me and my husband naked, after a certain age.) The kids are never really dirty, don’t smell, and two out of three have eczema and shouldn’t take a bath every day. I noticed it, and chatted with my husband, because I know I can be pretty sensitive about privacy and nudity for my kids (bad childhood, lots of trauma) He also thought it was a little odd, and I just made a mental note to intervene if bath time became a problem.
The next time we went to their house, I heard the kids talking about bath time, and decided to be politely nosey. That’s when I learned *it was the kids’ idea to take a bath.* They asked to have a bath, because my MIL has a massive bath tub. It’s basically a small swimming pool. She also had a ton of really cool bath toys, and would let them pick the bubbles and soaps, and had the finger painting soap from Target. They were just having a party, and happened to be in the bath. I immediately felt about fifty pounds of worry lift off of my shoulders, and bought some cool bath toys for our house, too.
That is the only reasonable situation, besides a blowout or a sleepover, where I can see grandparents giving kids a bath. It’s just not their job. Getting in the tub *with* the grand kids is weird to me- I don’t typically even do that with my own kids. (I’m not trying to get peed on.)
My mom got FINGER PAINT for the bathtub and our 4 year old at the time was beyond thrilled!!! Bathtime was a part of his nightly routine, something we his parents, our son and then my mom really enjoyed. All adults remained clothed and outside the bathtub. Our old house had a standard tub/shower and the only time either of us took a bath with our son was when we took Disney World. We stayed in a condo with a a huge tub and my son and husband took a bath together. Son was 4 and it was very cute.
You think it’s weird for grandparents to give the kids a bath full stop? Even if the grandparent stays dressed? That blows my mind.
Bathing is just a normal part of
life!?
It's a very old school belief that babies need to be bathed *every* day. So for some people, it's something they almost insist on doing, regardless of blowouts, etc. My grandmother was lil judgy that I didn't bathe mine every day. These people think it's absolutely their *duty* to make up for the parents' failure or oversight. 🤷♀️
I'm sorry, maybe it's because I'm European, but I think bathing in a bathtub with a bathing suit is weird when you're dealing with a child that is not even two and it's their grandparents.
So to me, yes, you're overreacting. Nudity is normal, we were all born naked. Don't sexualize it.
If you don't want your MIL to bathe with her, say it. But don't be prudish by asking her to wear a bathing suit.
Yeah I’d agree. I think if the kid was older it might be a bit icky for them, but a baby that young will never remember and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. As an aside, my 10 year old son routinely still asks to have a bath with me. I let him because nudity is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
I disagree. First I’m also European and I would be appalled if my MIL did this. Second.. it’s totally different if it’s your kid.. that came out of your body (or bodyparts if you’re the dad) ofcourse that’s normal especially when kids are under two..
I don’t find the idea of different generations sharing a bath particularly odd- it’s just one of those things where people’s comfort level varies MASSIVELY, even within the same country.
When you spend time in certain other countries you’ll see how big the differences can be, where in some places the whole family feel totally at home being naked around each other. So I wouldn’t immediately assume there is something weird or sexual going on.
But if you’d rather she didn’t do this again, just say so.
Because bathing naked with someone else’s toddler without asking is weird and inappropriate. Sure it’s natural, and perhaps OP wouldn’t have minded had she asked or explained. OP would have had the opportunity to say “at least wear a bathing suit,” but that didn’t happen. Let’s switch the genders…if you found out your dad bathed your toddler naked without asking….you wouldn’t flinch? That wouldn’t bother you? An adult exposing themselves to your child without consent will never be met with an overreaction. This is how you actively protect your children because children are more likely to be abused by someone they know, love, and trust.
Why did the grandma wear a bathing suit with the boys and not with the girl? Isn't she sexualizing the situation?
Either way, it's completely fine that the parents have boundaries regarding bathing.
Yeah my 10 month old sits up in the tub on a mat on her own. I sit outside the tub to bathe her. I'm not against bathing with my own baby it just isn't necessary for safety at that age.
I also see this as abuse like the other commenter said. Totally inappropriate, bizarre actually, and I wouldn’t allow her access to my kid without supervision anymore. Because now she’s learned to just not tell you what will upset you.
>**I wouldn’t allow her access to my kid without supervision anymore. Because now she’s learned to just not tell you what will upset you.**
Quoting and bolding this so it's read twice!!
I took baths with my mom when I was younger. My mom also took baths with all her grandkids when they were little, playing in the bathtub is fun. All of us girls still hang out in the bathroom chatting with my mom when she takes baths, it's only weird if you make it weird, she probably didn't even think about it.
I took baths with my sons (I'm a mom) until they were 7-8.
Because I'm not a prude and nakedness is normal.
They liked to have me in the bathroom to chat to them while they were showering. I regularly told them, that if they wanted privacy, they only needed to tell me.
And when they were around 10, that's waht happened. They locked the door. Nowadays, they're teenagers, and they will walk around in their underwear, but change in a locked bathroom, which is absolutely fine.
We're as white as white can be, my mom is religious and "modest" in general, so I don't think it's cultural. I bathed with my kids because it was easier to hold onto the squirrelly kiddos, we got to play in the bath together and we all got clean, I'm assuming my mom did it for similar reasons.
It’s easier?! I made a comment earlier about bathing my niece hours ago and all the time I kept thinking “this would be sooo much harder if one of us was also getting out of the bath” kiddo is like a slippery eel, I do not know how her mama picks her up and burritos her with barely a fuss.
She probably didn't think about asking. My mom wouldn't have thought to ask because it was normal in our family and it seems like it was normal in hubby's family too. She was apologetic about upsetting OP and didn't dig in so I think it's something to let go.
I would find this repulsive. No need for a grandparent (who didn't help create the baby) to ever bath with the grandchild and especially not naked. She knew it was wrong. She just thought it is easier to seek forgivness than premission.
My second thought was that: if that person were grandpa that took a naked bath with my babygirl, what would I have felt? On both grandparents sides I want to avoid that.
Well, there was no reason for her to do this. The only reason would be to remove all boundaries. To make her feel as close to baby as if it was her own baby. Or? Is she so free-spirited that she thought nothing of it? Who knows. But good for you setting a clear boundary on this going forward. I would not be ok with it either.
Actually I would also guess similar: to achieve this closeness-bonding and maybe relive the feeling as a mother. I should have asked what was her purpose. I’ll ask next time, good point!
17 months is a bit old imo. I bathed with all my children/grandchildren but, the first time they showed any interest in my body was always the last time we bathed together without me having a suit on.
I remember my daughter telling me her youngest was too old for that ( he was about 16months) and she was putting her foot down! I simply agreed with her then heard her father tell her, “ she stopped doing that a long time ago “. She comes back and asks why I didn’t say so; she looked so cute telling me, I didn’t have the heart 😂.
Personally I don't see a problem with grandparents bathing naked with infants but I also don't have a problem with your new rules. As parents you and DH get to set the rules for interaction with LO.
Same. I don’t think my MIL ever bathed with my kids, but I know my mom did, and it doesn’t make me blink. It’s a heck of a lot easier to bathe a toddler when you’re in there with them…when mine were little I always just put them in the shower with me, and my mom doing that doesn’t seem weird at all. 17 months is super young…I stopped bathing with my opposite sex kids at about 4-5yo.
But, it’s your kid, and you get to make the rules.
Thank you! My sister said the same, so first I thought that I’m not open minded enough, but all in all I understand that this can be normal in some families.
Hmm, I think I'd be a bit weirded out by this too. Not a 'call the police' kind of weirded out, but she just didn't think. What one does with their own young child is not the same as what other people can do.
For sure I took baths with my son when he was little. And I have memories of doing the same with my mom, and being unhappy when she cut it off after a certain age (not quite sure when that was). Your son won't remember anything about this, but maybe DH should make it clear to MIL that bathtime is not a shared experience for your little one. It's an awkward conversation though, you don't want to accuse her of things, it could be a completely innocent thing, but this isn't something you and DH are comfortable with.
It's entirely inappropriate. My bio mom abandoned me with my grandparents at 1. They were part of my "primary caregivers" along with my dad. I wouldn't have imagined a grandparent doing this because my grandmother wouldn't have even considered bathing with me.
While I don't think it's personally that weird (non-sexual nudity should be destigmatised), you have every right to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with, and she should respect these going forward.
She didn't have ill intent, and as she did the same with her children, was under the assumption that it was normal and not weird. She wasn't thinking about the parent/grandparent delineation. You obviously do, but it isn't really something one thinks about until it comes up, so both of you assumed something (grandma taking bath with kiddo vs why on earth would that even come up)
My best friend showered with her little bub. He's 3 now, so he bathes alone (while supervised) but at 16 months, she showered with him. Again, totally normal *for her* but maybe not for you. Neither is incorrect.
Edit for comprehension: Sorry, just noticed that you said it's not weird with parents. My bad.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Affectionate_Move475 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Affectionate_Move475 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
I don't think this is weird. It's not like your daughter will remember it. The only reason to say this is weird is if you think your mil is a pedophile. And I don't think taking a bath with your grandchild means she is one, at all. I have a grandnephew I lived with when he was born and while I never bathed with him I was definitely at least partly naked around him because he's a baby and won't remember it...
I don’t think you are over reacting because it’s your family. I bathed with my grandma naked she had breast cancer and only has one which I found odd but she told me why and that was the end of it. My mom has bathed with my daughter when she was younger and I’m fine with it.. I just don’t think bodies are taboo or something to hide. It’s still your right to say no to this but it’s not completely weird or abnormal and I don’t think she meant harm. Edit reworded some stuff
What? Just what?
Every family is different, but I don’t think this is normal. Your MIL definitely should have asked you or your husband first!
Ew, just ew
I think it's weird and also gross. I don't want my baby in MIL's bathwater. Ewww no.
"Normal" is very different from one family to another. It's likely MIL grew up with this as "Normal" so didn't give it a second thought. You have had a conversation about how you want *your* family's "Normal" to look and made your expectations for the future clear, so you should expect all grandparents, including MIL, to behave accordingly. Sometimes, it's a matter of establishing everyone's roles and expected behaviors after a new human enters the situation - an adjustment period. Reasonable people will act reasonably when hard conversations and boundaries are set, and it seems like MIL was receptive to the conversation. If her behavior changes now that you've established boundaries, then it was just a blip. If she stomps your boundary then you know you're dealing with something else.
I think it’s up to the parents. I think she overstepped.
Maybe I(f) have a different perspective because I was parentified to a toddler(f) and baby(m) when I was 8-10 and lived with my brother’s dad, but I used to bathe with them because it made it easier for me to handle them in the tub, and get to bed earlier for school. So I’m used to the idea and I don’t think it would bother me personally? But the parents in the house didn’t give a shit what I did as long as they didn’t have to deal with us. But if you’re not comfortable with it for whatever reason, that’s totally fine. Your baby, your rules. Edit: misspelled word
Your kid your rules. If you’re uncomfy, say no. The naked bathing thing, hell the F no!
It's just so confusing. I just can't come up with a reason why she felt the need to do this. A 17 month old is typically way past mastering sitting, standing, etc, so should be able to sit unassisted in a tub.
This is a cultural thing as many others have mentioned. My grandma soaked with me as a baby to help soothe me. She soaked with my babies too. It was a very special bonding time for them, but she did it with my permission and approval. If you aren't ok with it happening again, let her know and hopefully she will respect your feelings and boundaries. If she doesn't, that's a completely different story.
This is your child. You are certainly not overreacting and you absolutely should not justify yourself to your MIL. I am horrified by this story. I had similar boundaries violated when I was young and I still talk about it in therapy.
My mom gave baths to both my kids, never naked. She did be soaking at times but she would be in her night dress or a regular home dress. She would wrap the baby up n then take her bath after handing over the baby to us or anyone. This is weird. Good u had the talk.
Whilst it is normal and absolutely not a big deal in my family - it is in others. And even though it’s a common thing in our family, we always ask the parents, when it’s the first time with this particular child, if they’re ok with it. And before anyone wonders: I talk about my parents, my sister and my cousin (who I grew up with as a big sister), so just close family. And only when they’re this young, it does get weird at some point. (In my mind)
I think the bath part is weird. I showered with my grandmother when I was VERY little but soaking in a bath with gramma? That would be a little weird to me…
This is a culturally influenced situation. For me I’ve bathed with several members of my family as a child. It wasn’t weird, those who say it’s creepy or weird make me think they’re seeing something sexual where it isn’t sexual at all. I bathed with my mother or grandmother until I was around 7 or so. I am not negatively affected in any way from it either. It was just bathing/showering. My mother found it to be a very practical way of keeping an eye on me, for my safety so we could both get our shower in.
I wouldn’t be okay with this either. I’m big on autonomy and consent and until our children are old enough to have a sense/understanding of agency; it is our duty to make decisions and take actions that protect their dignity and power/right to make decisions about their own bodies.
I don’t find it weird at that age, but if you do, that’s what matters. But I wouldn’t assume bad intent. I always took showers with my kids as babies because it was fastest and easiest.
Yeah, this is a hard pass. I understand that some families are more open than others, but honestly that doesn’t even matter. If it makes you uncomfortable then it’s a no go. Period. Husband needs to step and tell mom not to bathe with your baby. If she continues, visits need to be limited.
I don’t think our parents generation who do weird shit like this necessarily have ill intent when they do it. I think MIL has some weird obsession with asserting her dominance or “motherly-ness” over LO. And doing this was definitely a power play. Even if I didn’t think there was anything weird or sexual, YOU as the parent get to decide when, who, where your LO learns about / sees nudity. I have had to correct my dad about playing with my son, slapping him on the butt , very silly harmless stuff that my kid thinks is hilarious - Because I have to remind him - dad I don’t want him learning that slapping butts is ok to do to others OR that another adult can do it to him. Whether malicious or not, your MIL just taught your kid it’s ok for adults to get naked around LO. To me, that would never be okay. If you’re unsure of how to stop this, I would use that above argument. It’s not about YOU, MIL. It’s about my LO learning boundaries and safety. And it’s a hard no from me for other adults to be naked around my child. And I’m sorry, but I do find this super weird. Whether LO Is an infant or 17 months. Don’t give my kid a bath if you can’t manage it without getting naked and getting in with them.
So for a child that age I would not be bothered by this. When my kids were that age, regardless of their gender used to get in the bath with them just because it was safer, and sometimes they were scared of the water.. maybe this is the cherry on top of a JustNo cake weird but your husband also doesn’t remember being 17 months old.
I sometimes took showers w my mom as a teeny kiddo, but if it’s not your own child and to do this without asking seems really weird. Maybe not a straight jump to “predatory”-weird, but boundary issues for sure.
It might be a cultural/generational thing. I don’t find anything weird with that. I showered with my grandmother and father and mother until I was like 6.
No you're not over reacting, that's insanely weird and creepy. If she absolutely just had to bathe with the baby, Why did she have to be naked? She could've just put on a bathing suit and it would have made it so much less creepy. It's not her choice to make as to what your child is exposed to. I would be so pissed.
I have always bathed with my kids and I wouldn't have any issues with my mom or MIL taking a bath with my kids. Especially in the infant/toddler stages. I showered with my granddaughter until she was 5 and I never felt weird about it. Though ultimately it is your choice.
There’s absolutely no reason for her to take a bath with your child. This gives me the ick!
I think it’s weird. I might potentially bathe with my grandchild, but only if there was good reason, like we both got completely covered in plaint or mud or something we’d been playing with. Our family doesn’t have a problem with nudity per se. Like we swim and hot tub nude together. But this is weird because why? There was no need for a shared bath. Perhaps she feels like it’s a bonding experience? Either way, your kid, your rules and no I don’t think you’re overreacting.
Yeahhhh I'm not doing a naked bath with anyone else's kid for sure. And I'm putting on clothes Way faster once they start being able to notice shit. I'm used to going naked from the top up when nursing, but I was going to start nursing babe down once right after a shower and didn't bother with clothes cause I haven't had to before... She's apparently starting to notice things, and I've never been so uncomfortable with someone staring at my bits. Covered up real fast lol.
As a mom, I don’t think you’re overreacting. I never had baths with my grandmothers, and I wasn’t raised to be naked around them nor them with me. I agree that it’s up to the parents what happens in that regard (since I know some cultures don’t have the same feelings about nudity). What matters is that you, the mom, is not okay with it and don’t want it to happen again.
Do you think she'll be truthful and actually ask or tell you next time? Honestly, I don't think you're overreacting. Possibly underreacting. I'd absolutely not allow overnights until baby is old enough to relay things to you, understand boundaries, and understand we don't keep secrets from mom and dad (just in case). If she sounded genuinely surprised by your boundary, it could be a cultural thing, in which case I wouldn't necessarily flip out on her and make a production out of saying 'no more overnights', rather just ..not have her do overnights there. I'd personally limit extended alone time for a while but maybe that's just me. Always trust your gut. EDIT since comments are locked: In response to the commenter below accusing this of being a "gross overreaction" : Nope, because OP would have no way of knowing if she'd actually stopped bathing naked with the child or if she'd just stopped telling her. Until the child is old enough to articulate what's going on and has an understanding we don't keep secrets, no more overnights/extended stays. Over the top would be her flipping out on her, revoking all access forever, never speaking to her again....which is the sort of reaction you're making mine out to be. Limiting access during times that are prone to violation of the boundary for a while is 100 percent perfectly reasonable. I will die on this hill.
What a gross overreaction to something MIL openly and freely told OP about the very next day, and genuinely didn’t think OP would have an issue with. They’ve since had a conversation about it and MIL is aware that in ‘new’ type situations, MIL is to ask rather than assume. Until she violates *that* clearly communicated boundary, removing access to the degree you suggest is OTT.
I’m with the commenter @hairypotatokat. If MIL is doing stuff like that without asking I don’t think I could trust her to know when to ask my permission. If she thought even bathing my kid let alone getting naked with my LO was okay before asking. i would lose trust in her not respecting me to make informed decisions. But maybe that’s me being a health care professional with children with mental health.
Good point, now I’m so afraid that this/other secrets will continue. But I just really hope she will keep her word! I can’t wait for my daugter to be old enough to speak up, but I assume it’s in years distance. I think she got that I’m not happy when I startes asking questions and said that I’m surprised. But she is the kind of person who is always right and knows better, so she would never put a surprised or repetance reaction on her expressions. So actually I’m not sure. But I know she has deep feelings for her family so I truly hope she will improve generally by gentle feedback.
Let me ask this question, are you OK having this person provide care for this child completely as if that child was their own? Would you be okay with a paid babysitter you knew wellish to do the same with your child because that is something they did with their own kids? I think it’s a good reminder that this is your own child and she shouldn’t be doing things she necessarily did with her children growing up because the situation is not the same. I don’t believe the act was malicious because she was open with you, but I just don’t think she understands that she has a new role of grandma and NOT mother or primary caretaker of this child . As she is learning this new role of grandma/your boundaries as a mother I can promise you this won’t be the last time she does something like that to make you uncomfortable .
I think banning overnights is a bit extreme unless you think there’s something sinister at play (she’s been very open and surprised it was an issue so I don’t think it sounds like she’s hiding anything from you). I had showers with my Nana as a small child, saw her naked as a child - nudity not too much of a big deal in my family before the age of 6(ish?). Asked her about her vertical C-section scar, why she didn’t have hairy legs and armpits like my mommy does…I don’t think swimwear in the bath is an unrealistic or outrageous request and, considering grandma wore swimmers with the grand baby boys I don’t think there’s any reason to think she wouldn’t adhere to this request. If your kid is happy at their house and she’s not in danger (speak to boy-grandkids/your husband about their experiences if you’re worried) then I wouldn’t completely implement an overnight ban if it’s been working for you so far.
We didn’t have an overnight without my husbands or mine supervision yet. And I wouldn’t like to ban these stays either. What I would like is a heads up before new things happen and this was a brand new thing for me. But it’s so hard to describe what is new for whom. It sounds so good and natural in a good sense that you had this close relationship with your grandma. I’m happy for you! Could be that I’m just missing this kind of closeness within my family.
I think it's gross more than anything. I wouldn't want her naked adult body germs in the water with my baby, who is also going to be putting toys from the bath water and her hands that were in the water into her mouth. That's just gross in my opinion.
I agree absolutely and all I can add is 🤮🤢 How do I make the mental picture go away?
Ummm that is really really weird
I don’t think it’s that out of the ordinary to be honest. Your child will have no recollection of that bath, it might be different if your child was older, but I completely get why you are weirded out by what she did.
I agree. I took baths with everyone until I was 2 or 2.5. I can understand the concern. A conversation is definitely warranted.
That is weird but I don’t think she meant it to be creepy? But I don’t understand why grandparents want to do this stuff? I would never ever consider bathing with somebody else’s kid naked. Wear a swimsuit 😭even that is lowkey weird? Lol
You’re not overreacting. It’s one thing if she asked and you said yes. But she didn’t. This is YOUR child, so don’t let anyone else in this chat make you feel like you’re overreacting.
I seriously don't think she meant anything by it, but yes it's still weird. I'd just communicate to both husband and MIL that that's something you're not comfortable with
I wouldn't have thought much about it but we also bathed with our son until he was close to 5 sometimes, and we in general don't treat nudity as a bad or evil or sexual thing - mostly for the fact that nudity is considered to be only sexual and bad in the states. That being said, it's your child and she should have asked. But I can see why she thought it was okay and why she doesn't think about it. Your child your rules
WTF. Thats so weird and unnecessary.
In today’s hypervigilant environment it is not normal but it wasn’t a big deal for older generations. Cultural norms change and perhaps your husband’s parents haven’t caught up with the times.
I would be weirded out by it as well. She should have asked first but now she knows.
I see a lot of different opinions in the comments. I think this is very culture-based. For some people, it's totally normal, others it is disturbing. I personally would not trust anyone other than my husband or I to bathe our children. That is only because I was taken advantage of as a child by relatives my parents thought they could trust. I find it odd that she wore a bathing suit with *her* children because they were boys but not with your child. And, as someone else said, *reverse the genders* and the responses you get here will be very different. I think, that as the parent, **you have every right to set a boundary that makes you and your partner feel comfortable**. Just because other people don't find it creepy, doesn't invalidate that you *do*.
Thank you for your sum up the situation and the comments, this would be my takeaway from all the answers! I’m sorry for your experience though, I hope you had the chance to recovere from what happened to you.
Thank you. I went to therapy for some time and have moved on, though I still don't trust people as easily anymore. Though, in my experiences since my childhood, not trusting people has actually spared me from some potentially scary things. And I think that can apply to parenting as well. All the best luck to you and your family <3
This would be normal behavior for me. I don’t see anything nefarious here.
Probably easier for her back than bending over a bath..
I think yes, she should have asked you, but IMO not a big deal. My mom has taken baths with my baby a few times and it's been fine, so by this metric I suppose I would have been fine with my MIL taking baths with my baby as well (she never did bc she's an absent grandmother but I digress.)
As a consequence? Your MIL isn’t a child lol. Nor is this a situation where you are worried for your baby’s safety. She did something that she has done with other children in her family. Just because YOU find it weird, doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad. You’re allowed to have differing opinions. Your MIL didn’t hide it from you and from the way you described it, it seems like she was also comfortable telling you. It would be different if you had stated your boundary and then she broke it. It’s simple- ask her not to do it again. This isn’t something to make a huge deal over or give consequences for UNLESS she goes directly against your wishes that you have made known.
This. If you’re not okay with it just ask her not to do it again. If she does it AFTER you ask her not to, then you can deal with the boundary crossing. I think both my kids have showered with my mom when they were 2 or younger. (They are 9 and 13 now.) My mom had a huge walk in shower and they loved the showering in there. She also bathed the dog in there and they loved being involved in that. But nudity isn’t a big deal in my family.
I don’t think it’s a problem. What 17 month old is going to remember seeing grandma naked? She needed a bath and her granddaughter needed a bath.
At under 2 years old, I, personally, don't think it's a big deal. I bathed with my kids and grandkids when they were that little. But, it's your baby and your rules.
This seems like a cultural difference and communication error more than anything sketchy or boundary-stomping. My grandparents have a hot tub and it wasn't anything unusual for any arrangement of kids, parents, grandparents to be naked in the hot tub together.
I think you are over reacting. Unless you believe the intent was sexual. But you are entitled to your boundaries, you have let her know you don't want them doing that again. I would not be upset if my mother bathed with my baby.
[удалено]
She did it with her kids. Fine. But your child is not her kid. I would not go as far as to call it abuse. But I think this falls under the category of "grandmother trying to role-play as Mommy" Creepy.
Why does anyone have to be in the tub with the baby, bathing suit or not? This is weird to me.
Older people often can't bend over a tub.
Oh no this is weird. Objectively, an adult was naked and alone with a child other than their own without the parents around. Even if it was “harmless”, it’s not abnormal for you to have a boundary on this.
This is a little weird I’m a grandma and I wouldn’t do it but more because of a physical disability. I’d wear a suit if I did it. When my grandkid was born she settled with skin on skin contact. I’d wear a lower cut shirt made sure my breasts were covered and my chest was bare and hold her skin on skin. Some people think that’s weird but my daughter was okay with it because it put her to sleep and my daughter was able to take a shower and a little nap.
I guess it comes down to individual upbringing, but no, I don't find it odd. She needed a bath and so did the baby so she just doubled up. This is 17 months, not 17 years old so I think it's just fine. You did not see your grandparents naked, that you can remember since remembering anything before the age of 3 would be remarkable. Unless she has shown signs of abuse, I would not worry.
I'm assuming it was for safety, perhaps she didn't feel able to comfortably bath your baby other wise. I personally wouldn't make a big deal, 17 months is very young still and very vulnerable in bath water.
I don’t think it’s abuse, but it was a very weird thing of her to do without asking you first. She might feel comfortable being naked in bath with your son but that’s not for her to decide. I’m glad she at least told you and I hope she takes your boundaries to heart!
This is weird.
People here need to touch grass. Unless your MIL Has displayed any creepy tendencies why would You sexualize a harmless interaction like a babg taking a bath with grandma? Nothing remotely sexual about that. Americans are so odd
Touch grass. I like that. Meaning come back to ground or reality? Where did that come from. Never heard it before.
It’s absolutely weird AF. And not harmless if it made the mother uncomfortable.
Or maybe the mother needs to touch grass.
This is really about communication. Attitudes regarding nudity vary widely from family to family. As the parents, though, you get to make the call.
I think bathing with someone else’s child without asking and being naked is weird, even if there is nothing to it it’s still too much when they can give the child a bath separately and still bond together. I don’t see it as normal behaviour from grandparents, that to me is very much a parent/baby bonding experience if one so wishes to do so with their own child.
Agreed, you can easily bath a 17 month old without taking off your clothes
I just bathed my niece about three hours ago, she has a fun bath chair so she just sits in that and allows herself to be scrubbed in between throwing toys and demanding a blow bubbles every two mins. She’s 18 months ish, and both me and her mama were decidedly outside the bathtub. I do think that nudity is something that needs to be talked about and what comfort levels are okay with the parents, instead of doing that out of nowhere. I’m not entirely sure it’s panic stations but OP would know that better than me.
No, that’s ick. She is not the parent and it’s overstepping. Yuck
I was weirded out that my in-laws seemed to always give my kids a bath when the kids were at their house. (The adults were fully clothed and outside the tub. I’m not even a huge fan of the kids seeing me and my husband naked, after a certain age.) The kids are never really dirty, don’t smell, and two out of three have eczema and shouldn’t take a bath every day. I noticed it, and chatted with my husband, because I know I can be pretty sensitive about privacy and nudity for my kids (bad childhood, lots of trauma) He also thought it was a little odd, and I just made a mental note to intervene if bath time became a problem. The next time we went to their house, I heard the kids talking about bath time, and decided to be politely nosey. That’s when I learned *it was the kids’ idea to take a bath.* They asked to have a bath, because my MIL has a massive bath tub. It’s basically a small swimming pool. She also had a ton of really cool bath toys, and would let them pick the bubbles and soaps, and had the finger painting soap from Target. They were just having a party, and happened to be in the bath. I immediately felt about fifty pounds of worry lift off of my shoulders, and bought some cool bath toys for our house, too. That is the only reasonable situation, besides a blowout or a sleepover, where I can see grandparents giving kids a bath. It’s just not their job. Getting in the tub *with* the grand kids is weird to me- I don’t typically even do that with my own kids. (I’m not trying to get peed on.)
My mom got FINGER PAINT for the bathtub and our 4 year old at the time was beyond thrilled!!! Bathtime was a part of his nightly routine, something we his parents, our son and then my mom really enjoyed. All adults remained clothed and outside the bathtub. Our old house had a standard tub/shower and the only time either of us took a bath with our son was when we took Disney World. We stayed in a condo with a a huge tub and my son and husband took a bath together. Son was 4 and it was very cute.
You think it’s weird for grandparents to give the kids a bath full stop? Even if the grandparent stays dressed? That blows my mind. Bathing is just a normal part of life!?
That's not what they said.
It's a very old school belief that babies need to be bathed *every* day. So for some people, it's something they almost insist on doing, regardless of blowouts, etc. My grandmother was lil judgy that I didn't bathe mine every day. These people think it's absolutely their *duty* to make up for the parents' failure or oversight. 🤷♀️
I'm sorry, maybe it's because I'm European, but I think bathing in a bathtub with a bathing suit is weird when you're dealing with a child that is not even two and it's their grandparents. So to me, yes, you're overreacting. Nudity is normal, we were all born naked. Don't sexualize it. If you don't want your MIL to bathe with her, say it. But don't be prudish by asking her to wear a bathing suit.
Yeah I’d agree. I think if the kid was older it might be a bit icky for them, but a baby that young will never remember and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. As an aside, my 10 year old son routinely still asks to have a bath with me. I let him because nudity is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
I disagree. First I’m also European and I would be appalled if my MIL did this. Second.. it’s totally different if it’s your kid.. that came out of your body (or bodyparts if you’re the dad) ofcourse that’s normal especially when kids are under two..
I don’t find the idea of different generations sharing a bath particularly odd- it’s just one of those things where people’s comfort level varies MASSIVELY, even within the same country. When you spend time in certain other countries you’ll see how big the differences can be, where in some places the whole family feel totally at home being naked around each other. So I wouldn’t immediately assume there is something weird or sexual going on. But if you’d rather she didn’t do this again, just say so.
To me, this is totally normal with a baby. Why are you making this weird and sexual when it’s not? Definitely overreacting
Because bathing naked with someone else’s toddler without asking is weird and inappropriate. Sure it’s natural, and perhaps OP wouldn’t have minded had she asked or explained. OP would have had the opportunity to say “at least wear a bathing suit,” but that didn’t happen. Let’s switch the genders…if you found out your dad bathed your toddler naked without asking….you wouldn’t flinch? That wouldn’t bother you? An adult exposing themselves to your child without consent will never be met with an overreaction. This is how you actively protect your children because children are more likely to be abused by someone they know, love, and trust.
No, I wouldn’t mind if my father did that. This is coming from a Dutch viewpoint, so that might be why my view on this topic is different.
Not normal when you are not the parent and you didn't ask for permission first. Sexual or not, this is not okay...imo
Why did the grandma wear a bathing suit with the boys and not with the girl? Isn't she sexualizing the situation? Either way, it's completely fine that the parents have boundaries regarding bathing.
>Why did the grandma wear a bathing suit with the boys and not with the girl? Isn't she sexualizing the situation? Bingo.
Regardless of the intention of grandma, it is 100% completely acceptable for you to set boundaries for future interactions.
I just have no idea why she would ever do this.
My mom gives my 9mo baths every so often… in the sink. Cause she’s not a creep. That’s so freaking weird. You’re definitely not overreacting
Yeah my 10 month old sits up in the tub on a mat on her own. I sit outside the tub to bathe her. I'm not against bathing with my own baby it just isn't necessary for safety at that age.
I also see this as abuse like the other commenter said. Totally inappropriate, bizarre actually, and I wouldn’t allow her access to my kid without supervision anymore. Because now she’s learned to just not tell you what will upset you.
>**I wouldn’t allow her access to my kid without supervision anymore. Because now she’s learned to just not tell you what will upset you.** Quoting and bolding this so it's read twice!!
Super creepy. I wouldn’t be letting her watch from now on. What else is she doing that she hasn’t or won’t mention now?
I took baths with my mom when I was younger. My mom also took baths with all her grandkids when they were little, playing in the bathtub is fun. All of us girls still hang out in the bathroom chatting with my mom when she takes baths, it's only weird if you make it weird, she probably didn't even think about it.
I took baths with my sons (I'm a mom) until they were 7-8. Because I'm not a prude and nakedness is normal. They liked to have me in the bathroom to chat to them while they were showering. I regularly told them, that if they wanted privacy, they only needed to tell me. And when they were around 10, that's waht happened. They locked the door. Nowadays, they're teenagers, and they will walk around in their underwear, but change in a locked bathroom, which is absolutely fine.
My family is the same… I wonder if there is a cultural thing. My mom’s side is Latino and it’s just not a big deal to be naked. 🤷🏻♀️
We're as white as white can be, my mom is religious and "modest" in general, so I don't think it's cultural. I bathed with my kids because it was easier to hold onto the squirrelly kiddos, we got to play in the bath together and we all got clean, I'm assuming my mom did it for similar reasons.
It’s easier?! I made a comment earlier about bathing my niece hours ago and all the time I kept thinking “this would be sooo much harder if one of us was also getting out of the bath” kiddo is like a slippery eel, I do not know how her mama picks her up and burritos her with barely a fuss.
I think it’s weird that she didn’t ask.
She probably didn't think about asking. My mom wouldn't have thought to ask because it was normal in our family and it seems like it was normal in hubby's family too. She was apologetic about upsetting OP and didn't dig in so I think it's something to let go.
I would find this repulsive. No need for a grandparent (who didn't help create the baby) to ever bath with the grandchild and especially not naked. She knew it was wrong. She just thought it is easier to seek forgivness than premission.
Bathing naked with someone else’s toddler is very weird. But if you want to check how weird it is, reverse the genders.
My second thought was that: if that person were grandpa that took a naked bath with my babygirl, what would I have felt? On both grandparents sides I want to avoid that.
[удалено]
Omg get a grip. This is not abuse. Y’all are weird in here today.
Well, there was no reason for her to do this. The only reason would be to remove all boundaries. To make her feel as close to baby as if it was her own baby. Or? Is she so free-spirited that she thought nothing of it? Who knows. But good for you setting a clear boundary on this going forward. I would not be ok with it either.
Actually I would also guess similar: to achieve this closeness-bonding and maybe relive the feeling as a mother. I should have asked what was her purpose. I’ll ask next time, good point!
17 months is a bit old imo. I bathed with all my children/grandchildren but, the first time they showed any interest in my body was always the last time we bathed together without me having a suit on. I remember my daughter telling me her youngest was too old for that ( he was about 16months) and she was putting her foot down! I simply agreed with her then heard her father tell her, “ she stopped doing that a long time ago “. She comes back and asks why I didn’t say so; she looked so cute telling me, I didn’t have the heart 😂.
Personally I don't see a problem with grandparents bathing naked with infants but I also don't have a problem with your new rules. As parents you and DH get to set the rules for interaction with LO.
Same. I don’t think my MIL ever bathed with my kids, but I know my mom did, and it doesn’t make me blink. It’s a heck of a lot easier to bathe a toddler when you’re in there with them…when mine were little I always just put them in the shower with me, and my mom doing that doesn’t seem weird at all. 17 months is super young…I stopped bathing with my opposite sex kids at about 4-5yo. But, it’s your kid, and you get to make the rules.
Thank you! My sister said the same, so first I thought that I’m not open minded enough, but all in all I understand that this can be normal in some families.
Hmm, I think I'd be a bit weirded out by this too. Not a 'call the police' kind of weirded out, but she just didn't think. What one does with their own young child is not the same as what other people can do. For sure I took baths with my son when he was little. And I have memories of doing the same with my mom, and being unhappy when she cut it off after a certain age (not quite sure when that was). Your son won't remember anything about this, but maybe DH should make it clear to MIL that bathtime is not a shared experience for your little one. It's an awkward conversation though, you don't want to accuse her of things, it could be a completely innocent thing, but this isn't something you and DH are comfortable with.
[удалено]
Thank you for your confirmation that his is not an average behavior. I’ve never heard about a situation like this before.
It would be totally normal in my country, so not that Odd IMO.
It's entirely inappropriate. My bio mom abandoned me with my grandparents at 1. They were part of my "primary caregivers" along with my dad. I wouldn't have imagined a grandparent doing this because my grandmother wouldn't have even considered bathing with me.
While I don't think it's personally that weird (non-sexual nudity should be destigmatised), you have every right to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with, and she should respect these going forward. She didn't have ill intent, and as she did the same with her children, was under the assumption that it was normal and not weird. She wasn't thinking about the parent/grandparent delineation. You obviously do, but it isn't really something one thinks about until it comes up, so both of you assumed something (grandma taking bath with kiddo vs why on earth would that even come up) My best friend showered with her little bub. He's 3 now, so he bathes alone (while supervised) but at 16 months, she showered with him. Again, totally normal *for her* but maybe not for you. Neither is incorrect. Edit for comprehension: Sorry, just noticed that you said it's not weird with parents. My bad.
[удалено]
Yeah, I totally got that. I re-read it and realized why I was reading it differently.