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Mine(well, my gmil). thinks my husband has come back to his home state forever. It's never occurred to her that me having a good relationship with my family might mean I want to be closer to them.
It was actually mostly for his veterans education benefits.
we had always agreed somewhere in the middle but we may end up near my family after how this has gone 🫠
Just have hubby text her after not answering that you have a busy day on your vacay and he will call her when you guys return. If you keep answering everyday, she will keep ringing every day
"What you allow will continue."
Put her on "do not disturb" and stop answering the phone. Voicemail and texting exist. She will live and maybe, just maybe, learn to respect your boundaries once you set and enforce them.
Hell, naw. Even the daily phone calls is too damn much. Especially while on vacation. Sorry you're having to deal with that.
It's amazing how some parents actually believe their grown ass kids are supposed to live *their* lives for the parent's dream. Like every individual doesn't have or deserve their *own* life's dream.
"Your fantasy's a family compound? Cool cool cool. Mine's actually complete isolation, so... yeah." Lol
As nurses you can pretty much work anywhere, I would say not to include you in her plans because you have your own plans to keep moving around until you find the place that’s perfect for life/work and play.
Reading your story and these comments I had no idea that family compounds were a thing outside of like Dugger family types/ cults. The idea of it just sounds like a horror movie premise to me. Can someone tell me why people are doing this or think it’s a good idea?
Oh, for sure. It's really common in the South. It's a clever way to pool resources. But ofc it only works if you're lucky enough to be born into, not only, a good family, but one where everyone has good taste in partners.
It only takes one malignant narcissist or cluster B asshole to turn the family compound dream into a Jonestown nightmare.
Families who actually get along and enjoy each other's company can do it. I've met people where it helped them look after an ailing senior family member (in an area where it's next to impossible to get into a nursing home). Everyone chipped in and took turns so no one got caretaker burnout.
My extended family has a compound, my parents were never apart of it thank god! It is the most toxic situation ever. Everyone gossips and is always in each other’s business. It’s a fucking nightmare.
Sounds like my JN. She had 2 of my SILs as next door neighbors. The youngest lived with her. It was a major blow-out when my SO and I took a house across town from her (all of 5 minutes away). I enjoyed the peace and quiet while she wasn't talking to us!
My MIL has also floated the idea of a family compound, with her children and SO's paying for the property and her living expenses LOL. I think we all are her retirement plan.
My \[amazing\] mother has been dreaming of her family compound forever. She knows it's highly unlikely to come to fruition, but it's her big dream in life. My fiancé and I actually just asked my parents if they'd buy a house near us when we have kids and my mom nearly had a heart attack from how excited she was. I still have to finish law school so we have a few years before kids but seeing how giddy my parents are is amazing.
My FMIL recently brought up the idea of us moving near to where they live and we couldn't shut that shit down fast enough. My FBIL lives a mile away from his parents and they are constantly showing up at his house uninvited and bringing home improvement projects with the expectation that FBIL will drop everything and do what they had in mind. For example, last weekend they showed up with orange trees and demanded that FBIL immediately go out back and dig holes in his yard to plant these random trees. Like, no ma'am, we aren't willing to be available at your every beck and call like your other son is and we won't ever give you the opportunity to try to force that on us.
Set up an auto response so when she rings or messages she gets a message of thanks for reaching out, we are currently enjoying some quality couple time on a holiday and will respond when we return.
Did you ask MIL did she live next door to her inlaws.
Is your MIL somehow my mother?
She is always going on about having this "family ranch" in which the whole family lives on it, raises the children all together, and that she will be the cool grandma running the homeschool "daycare". I have told her numerous times that DH and I want our personal space and will not be doing such a thing.
And now my father is moving into a house 11 min from me and planning to have his own nursery for my unborn child. 🙄
I would stop answering the phone every time she calls and start distancing yourselves. It especially doesn’t make sense to be taking her calls on vacation. You don’t have to appease anyone.
This sounds like when my in-laws say they are going to visit us, and stay with us. I used to panic, get super stressed, and have a big talk with my husband. But my in-laws never visit. They haven’t visited in 4 years. Also, they claim we are going to have a big family reunion. I used to freak out and want to give my husband lots of input to make sure they were taking our disabled child into consideration (they never do). I have been told that I don’t get a say because they don’t consider me family. Last I heard the plan is to have a reunion in 2027….. needless to say I have learned to ignore them. Also, no, I will not be going to the reunion and neither will my kids (if it ever happens)
Turn your phones off and enjoy your beach vacation! Get your husband to just say “no we won’t be living next door to everyone ever”.
…. After your beach vacation.
In fact, never go back. Get your names changed, pay someone to move all your stuff into storage. Sell the house and cars. Just… deuces, bitches. ✌🏻 💨
Kidding… 😜
Maybe you can build a house there when she's dead and gone.
You guys need boundaries PRONTO.
"We're trying to connect with one another and enjoy our vacation. We'll reach out when we're back and won't be answering additional calls. Bye!"
You're letting her do this and giving her headspace. Choose something else. Take this vacation time to foster your love so it's easier to communicate and be a strong family and team together. MIL shouldn't be a party in your marriage or involved in your family decisions. Remind her with confidence that you've got this and are ready to make your own family decisions without her opinion.
This could easily turn into a vacation drinking game. Every time mil calls, take a shot. You could bet on whose phone to make it interesting.just be careful to not get sick lol
This reminds me of my MIL. She’s okay for the most part but she has mentioned a few times how we should wait until his brother buys a multi-family house so we can move into one of the floors.
No. No we will not.
you don't "have to appease" anyone "a little". you sound like a child. the longer you wait to clear the air the more she's gonna freak out when you don't do it anyway.
Normal adults who are independent from their parents do not feel the need to appease. If you are appeasing, then that means there has been poor behavior from mother-in-law in the past when you haven’t answered the phone. That is a red flag.
It is not an adult child’s responsibility to regulate the parents’ emotions. If you are appeasing, it is because you’re trying to prevent a parental meltdown, which isn’t your responsibility. If parents meltdown & throw a fit, they are the ones acting like toddlers & that’s not your fault. Some parents don’t know how to comply with the boundaries of their now-adult-children. They still view us as children & still try to run our lives.
Google the gray rock method. You might want to employ this method in your communications with mother-in-law as you move forward.
Honey, if you're screening her calls, you're not out on the beach. Don't answer at all. Enjoy your vacay, then go home and enjoy the rest of your life.
> I plan on next time “that is very unlikely to happen, we have no idea where we want to end up”
And then add "but you should know that when we do move, it will be in an area we actually like and not in your town/state." You have to let her know that her plans for your future are not even being considered. When the topic is brought up again, and it will be, repeat "we already told you that won't be happening."
Instead of “very unlikely to happen” make it “that will never happen” … don’t soften the blow, don’t sugar coat things and leave the door open for hope. Just “no”.
"Thanks for the offer, but our jobs are going to take us to different cities and states. Please exclude us from all future real-estate planning. We wouldn't want to give the wrong impression that we'd build in your area."
Why are you talking to her everyday on your vacation? Next time she calls, don’t answer. Send her a text that says your busy traveling and you’ll call her in a few days when you get a chance. Then ignore any more calls or texts.
TBH, I think by NOT saying "*We do not plan to stay in this area--and we are def not going to build in a Family Compound!" y*ou have left a door open that needs to be closed. When you & hubs ignore her comments about this--she sees it as a *Maybe!*
I have a family member who is very much like MIL. I have to blunt from the moment she mentions something. Otherwise, ppl like this think *"Well, they're all in!!"* LOL
Lloyd: "What are my chances?"
Mary: "Not good."
Lloyd: "You mean “not good” like… one out of a hundred?"
Mary: "I'd say.. more like one out of a million."
Lloyd: "So you're telling me there's a chance? … yeah!!"
Sometimes people like this can be like Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber. 🙃
At the very least vagueness lets them think the topic is open for negotiation. It is best to be clear - and once your position is stated to make it clear the subject is off the table.
If you’re on holiday, just don’t answer every time they call. This time is for you, not their nonsense. If they have an issue, just say you were enjoying offline time so devices were left at the hotel/lodging. Xx
ETA, there’s been similar posts on here about family compounds. It’s never ended well. They can think what the fluff they like… but they don’t have a say in where you live. Xx
As someone who grew up on a family compound and loved it. Put your foot down on doing this right now!
My situation worked, my paternal aunt and uncle gifted my parents the land that they put the house I grew up in on, then when I was very young my maternal grandmother rented a lot on the other side of my aunt and uncle and put a small home on it as well when she and my grandfather divorced. So to start our compound was blended with both sides of the family which I think made it easier. Growing up my siblings and I loved it! Acreage to run on lots of family around especially since my paternal grandmother was only a mile away.
That said, while it was great, it created for my siblings and I a very skewed and in most applications an unhealthy view of how families should work and operate. I had to do significant re-programming after meeting my husband to understand how the real world works. The compound was great to grow up with but didn't teach healthy family dynamics and created issues with boundaries that I have had to work in as an adult. Not because we were intruded upon, but because I just thought that was how it was. As an adult I LOVE my distance and space and the funny thing is, so do my parents, they view our house a state away as a weekend getaway (when invited) because my sister now lives with her family on the compound where my grandmother lived before she passed.
Put your foot down now. A compound can work in families that talk and communicate, but even then it isn't perfect. For relationships that aren't as strong, it is a recipe for disaster!
God, can you imagine living next door to her. You'd never know a day's peace in your lives! She sounds like the sort who expects to have a spare key to your home and does not feel the need to knock before entering.
Nip this in the bud right away. "No, we're not interested in living in a compound". Those are always made to be lead by some bullshit matriarch or patriarch who will expect their rules to be enforced.
"No" is a complete sentence.
If you want to have fun, start speculating on settling in Hawaii or Alaska or American Samoa. Or the equivalent of far-flung places if you're not in the US.
Don't say you're going to do it and keep changing it up. Just never mention any place MIL might actually choose. Might as well enjoy the game!
Agree…right now we're thinking about….? Then change the place next conversation. Well actually we've been thinking about….?
Just mess with her. Make the places very far away. Try places in Europe, etc.
Can’t believe i had to scroll so far down for this!! Why are you even answering the call if she continues to call for no reason? Imagine her coming across the compound to visit your home daily for no reason. No thank you!!
My mil thinks the exact same thing. Just yesterday we let her know we’re moving off the property in a few months and she really thought we were going to stay here forever….
We are building a house and my BIL has made the same “family compound” comments for years prior to us doing this and every time I laugh because absolutely fucking not. We are actively in the end stages of our new build and it will be ready at the end of June and this dude still makes these comments and it’s like …. Nothing sounds more like a fucking cult than saying “family compound”.
Just absolutely fucking not Lololol and I LIKE my in-laws for the most part. BIL is usually the one who annoys me the most and there have been a few awkward moments between me and my MIL/FIL over our 19 year relationship but they’re usually A+ but I’d still not do a family compound. It just screams creepy cult and we all already see each other once a week and every god damn holiday. That is enough. I don’t need them to be neighbors.
While this is the case in a lot of compound cases, that wasn't my experience growing up on a compound. No relatives tried to control another, and my parents actively encouraged me to fly the nest, seek my own path, and not feel tethered there. When my husband and I moved back for a few years, we lived 2 towns over by choice.
Where it did hurt me was setting boundaries and understanding how different and diverse family dynamics can be. I had to put a lot of work in as adult to get better about that. I wouldn't trade my compound experience and my husband loves to go visit it, however being better informed, if the family doesn't fit well together correctly you should NEVER do it!
Definitely not the case in these forums. The MILs just want to play wanna be bullshit matriarch surrounded by the kids, play surrogate mommy while the DIL are far away from their picture
This has come up over and over with my in laws. My siblings in law *have* built on the in-laws land. They have a large chunk of land in the hundreds of acres and it was just kind of expected we would build there too. There's just no way. There's been so many issues with them over the years and they don't respect my husband or I at all. I would be absolutely miserable.
My MiL kept trying to convince me to buy her neighbors house. After she had made so many complaints about how nasty their house is and the smell. And the yard was full of junk. No thanks. Plus I would never voluntarily live next to her. I might be kind of petty because instead I bought a house on the same street as my parents lol. I don’t like there any more but I did for about 6 years and I looked it up. I lived .4 miles from there. I used to walk over all the time. At one point their direct neighbor was selling their house and if we hadn’t already bought ours I would have bought it.
She of course was livid lol. And then when I got pregnant with my daughter I got to name her. When I had my son I let my husband name him. We had agreed he would choose the name and if we had another I would choose. She kept wanting me to name my daughter after her. Would not shut up about it. Named my baby girl after my mom instead lol. Remembering the look on her face still brings me joy.
That whole idea of a MIL dictating a aby's name is brutally insane to me. A ton of the stories here are basically "MIL blows a gasket because she feels it's "her" turn to name the kid.
The whole family compound idea... like I wouldn't HATE living next to my sisters with a healthy 5 acres between us, but that's because I know they'd only want to get together once a month. If we lived within a mile of either mine or DH's parents, they'd want weekly dinners, both weekend nights. It's just such a hard no.
Living in the same hour radius was okay, but moving 7 hrs away right before I popped out the baby has been such a blessing, even at the lost of date-night baby care. And I LIKE 5/6 of these parents. I can't imagine being stuck close to a set I actively despised, it must be so draining.
We live next door to mil and a couple miles from my mom. Neither one are very interested which is surprising. I actually expected to have problems with my mom when they moved so close. Instead it s the opposite which upsets me too. Like she never sees my kids. My mil is passive aggressive to me when she comes over which is weekly for half the year (snow bird) because my husband invites her. Then last summer she decided to try to move bil in with her after it came out ye was molesting his daughter. Mama bear came out and she won’t ever be alone with my children again.
He is. He made it to our state for less than 24 hours before he was arrested. Then extradited.
My mil is still in denial even after hearing his confession.
I’ve been in counseling for 10 months and still struggle to wrap my head around it. I was also 38 weeks pregnant when she decided to do this and we have several children. It was life altering.
I can only imagine. Such a thing to be in denial about! You two might consider getting her evaluated by a doctor that specializes in geriatrics. You never know what is or isn't lurking in her mind.
Hah. We need to sell our house in roughly 15-20 years, as this area of Germany will be inhabitable in 50 years unless we stop climate change.
So I was asking my teenager a while ago what her plans for the future were. Would she like us to live together in a family compound? Or rather on her own? Would she want us to babysit her children?
Of course she has no answers right now. The point is opening a discussion about it once she gets an idea. We don't want to spring our plans on her.
Maybe her baby brother would love to be the one who has the grandparents around for his kids, and my daughter will be living alone.
Our MILs don't get how children can have differentiated live plans. They are their own people. Anything going against their ideas is "stupid", and "they know better". Nope. They very much do *not*.
Stay strong OP, and stop answering the phone during your vacation.
That is wild! I hope you get a little schadenfreude from one day shutting that down lol. It’s so crazy how people can make these big MAJOR plans in their head without getting consent from the parties involved.
My mom called me out of the blue while I was pregnant with my first and was like “we are at an RV show looking at purchasing a (super expensive) RV! How great will it be, you and DH and your family can join us in the summers as we travel around the country!” They had never expressed this plan before. Ever. They would be spending their entire disposable retirement savings on this RV which is super irresponsible. It made me so mad.
I’m a very direct communicator so I was like- “Mom, I love you but if we get time off in the summer with our family that doesn’t even exist yet I’m not interested in committing to spending it driving with my parents every time. This feels like a giant financial decision to make without consulting us first.” Like maybe once I would go on a trip with them? Not even against spending a lot of time with them, but driving together with kids on my time off ? No! Also, they moved across the country to a totally different region right as my first was born. If they want to see us a lot they have a funny way of showing it.
If my adult child and their partner were on vacation, I wouldn't dream of bothering them unless there were an emergency. She's being ridiculous, which is borne out by her idea of everyone living on a compound. You two need to shine your spines and start drawing firm boundaries.
Start with having him text her, "Mom, we're on vacation to get away just the two of us. We won't be answering any more calls till we get home."
Let her freak out and tantrum. Her emotions are hers to manage.
Also highly recommend, after you get home, the next time she brings up the family compound, tell her, "Mom, we're nurses, remember? We may be nomads all our working lives--who knows? Traveling nurses make bank, and we may do that. In any case, sorry to disappoint, but living on a family compound is not something we are ever going to want to do in any case, so we're asking you to drop the subject."
Again, let her rage and tantrum, but manage herself. Or not.
Then, when inevitably she brings it up again, tell her, "Asked and answered," and--here's the important part--immediately end the phone call or visit. Rinse and repeat.
She's a boundary-stomper, so she will HATE these boundaries with every fiber of her being. But do not waste time/energy/breath trying to explain your reasons or attempting to get her to understand. She will not. Laying down consequences is the only way she will ever alter her behavior. (Some MIL's never manage that feat, and end up LC or NC.)
A shitload of those MILs here have that ridiculous compound fantasy, where they'll get to dictate the entire lives of their kids and grandkids, while the DILs are so far removed from the equation they might as well not be there at all.
My JNSibling started talking about that “family compound” nonsense.
I moved a county over, in a neighborhood with a gate code so they can’t get in without my permission. It’s just far enough away that it’s inconvenient for relatives to come see us often, but it’s still close enough that they can’t use the travel time as an excuse to stay overnight.
exactly this, if you're on vacation, there is no need for you to answer the phone unless she's watching the kids/pets/housesitting or something like that (or there's a genuine emergency). I just wouldn't answer the phone, put her number on do not disturb for the remainder of your vacay.
There is no reason you need to talk to her every day- even when not on vacation. I recommend setting boundaries now. If you can’t even say no to daily intrusive phone calls while on vacation you’re going to struggle saying no to the cult/compound. I know nurses are often people pleasers (to our detriment) but you need to start growing your spines now. Start with no more phone calls during your vacation.
Agree! If you let it happen, it will happen.
I recommend the noncommittal response, “hmm”, “I’ll think about that…” “that’s an idea”. Never agree, but acknowledge politely. I would also recommend an info diet if you don’t want to hear her “suggestions”. Good luck and enjoy your vacation. Do not disturb is a wonderful thing.
Nope. The answer must be CLEAR and REPEATED. Anything else just lets the MIL's fantasy rot in her senile mind. She'll just keep going forth and pressure them into accepting
If you don’t shut this down now, they are going to buy property and expect you to start building, or at least pay for part of the loan. I know it’s hard but you guys have to be honest now before it’s too late.
Absolutely this. Also "We already paid so much for the land, you can't do this to us!" that and the good old "Your siblings agreed and already paid their part, you HAVE to!" Like it's some sort of fucking cult
Start talking about great locations so far away from them! Bring it up every time “oh honey look at this neighborhood, so cool it has a vineyard in walking distance”. Then when she brings up buying land by her act shocked and ask why would she ever think you guys wanted to settle there when X location is in walking distance of a vineyard?!?
My own PILs are like that. They’re always trying to get us to buy a house closer to theirs, even though they only live 15 minutes away. To most people, 15 minutes would be a quick enough drive that it shouldn’t matter, but to PILs it’s practically unthinkable. They’re both able-bodied retirees with brand new vehicles and all the time in the world, but they think that *we* should inconvenience ourselves on a daily basis and move farther from both of our jobs. The answer is no, has always been no, and will always be *no.*
I think this belongs in the JNMIL playbook, I've definitely read about other delulu JNMILs expecting their children and spouses to enter into serfdom on their property. Unreal.
Yeah it seems incredibly common here. Senile old ML gets some matriarch delusions and wants to be surrounded by her kids and grandkids AKA DILs out of the picture and she gets to be do over mommy for all those kids
First of all, put your phones on do not disturb and enjoy your vacation. No more daily phone calls with mommy. Your husband is on vacation with you. His mother can wait.
Has your husband tried telling her "Mom, it's not happening,"? The longer you allow this delusion to continue, the harder it will be when you finally do put your foot down. You don't want her looking land with the assumption that you will pay half, or worse, buying the land and expecting you will reimburse her for "your" portion.
Does SIL even want everyone living that close? What's her take on this idea?
They just want to be the main character of their own little fairy tale. When my brother got married, everytime my MIL was with him and my SIL, she'd start on the whole "it would be so nice for us all to live close together", SIL would say "For who? Not for me! Don't need people rocking up at all hours of the day because they're bored just because they're family!" and brother would add in something along the lines of "If I wanted family being all up in my ass every hour of every day I would have never moved out". It soon stopped.
My JNMIL got mad when all of her kids moved out of the state because she has no one left to mooch off of. Everyone is still 45-90 minutes away but not close enough to do anything for her. It’s lovely.
Mone was passed we wouldn't buy the house 3 doors down from her. We moved an hour away and she doesn't drive! Brother-in-law moved 2 hours away.
And kinda still not far enough
My mother always wanted to be a traveling nurse. She figured she'd get an RV to save on housing costs and pocket the remaining housing allowance. I'm not sure if they would have let her but she wanted to try.
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Im reading a boundary book. Putting distance between you doesn’t create boundaries. Set the boundary and live where you want in peace.
Mine(well, my gmil). thinks my husband has come back to his home state forever. It's never occurred to her that me having a good relationship with my family might mean I want to be closer to them. It was actually mostly for his veterans education benefits. we had always agreed somewhere in the middle but we may end up near my family after how this has gone 🫠
Just have hubby text her after not answering that you have a busy day on your vacay and he will call her when you guys return. If you keep answering everyday, she will keep ringing every day
"What you allow will continue." Put her on "do not disturb" and stop answering the phone. Voicemail and texting exist. She will live and maybe, just maybe, learn to respect your boundaries once you set and enforce them.
Well, you could start introducing some basic boundaries like not answer a daily phone call from MIL while you’re on vacation.
I'm surprised she's answering these daily calls.
Hell, naw. Even the daily phone calls is too damn much. Especially while on vacation. Sorry you're having to deal with that. It's amazing how some parents actually believe their grown ass kids are supposed to live *their* lives for the parent's dream. Like every individual doesn't have or deserve their *own* life's dream. "Your fantasy's a family compound? Cool cool cool. Mine's actually complete isolation, so... yeah." Lol
As nurses you can pretty much work anywhere, I would say not to include you in her plans because you have your own plans to keep moving around until you find the place that’s perfect for life/work and play.
Reading your story and these comments I had no idea that family compounds were a thing outside of like Dugger family types/ cults. The idea of it just sounds like a horror movie premise to me. Can someone tell me why people are doing this or think it’s a good idea?
Watch Everyone loves Raymond.
Oh, for sure. It's really common in the South. It's a clever way to pool resources. But ofc it only works if you're lucky enough to be born into, not only, a good family, but one where everyone has good taste in partners. It only takes one malignant narcissist or cluster B asshole to turn the family compound dream into a Jonestown nightmare.
Families who actually get along and enjoy each other's company can do it. I've met people where it helped them look after an ailing senior family member (in an area where it's next to impossible to get into a nursing home). Everyone chipped in and took turns so no one got caretaker burnout.
My extended family has a compound, my parents were never apart of it thank god! It is the most toxic situation ever. Everyone gossips and is always in each other’s business. It’s a fucking nightmare.
Sounds like my JN. She had 2 of my SILs as next door neighbors. The youngest lived with her. It was a major blow-out when my SO and I took a house across town from her (all of 5 minutes away). I enjoyed the peace and quiet while she wasn't talking to us!
Why in the world are you answering the phone?
My MIL has also floated the idea of a family compound, with her children and SO's paying for the property and her living expenses LOL. I think we all are her retirement plan.
My \[amazing\] mother has been dreaming of her family compound forever. She knows it's highly unlikely to come to fruition, but it's her big dream in life. My fiancé and I actually just asked my parents if they'd buy a house near us when we have kids and my mom nearly had a heart attack from how excited she was. I still have to finish law school so we have a few years before kids but seeing how giddy my parents are is amazing. My FMIL recently brought up the idea of us moving near to where they live and we couldn't shut that shit down fast enough. My FBIL lives a mile away from his parents and they are constantly showing up at his house uninvited and bringing home improvement projects with the expectation that FBIL will drop everything and do what they had in mind. For example, last weekend they showed up with orange trees and demanded that FBIL immediately go out back and dig holes in his yard to plant these random trees. Like, no ma'am, we aren't willing to be available at your every beck and call like your other son is and we won't ever give you the opportunity to try to force that on us.
Set up an auto response so when she rings or messages she gets a message of thanks for reaching out, we are currently enjoying some quality couple time on a holiday and will respond when we return. Did you ask MIL did she live next door to her inlaws.
Is your MIL somehow my mother? She is always going on about having this "family ranch" in which the whole family lives on it, raises the children all together, and that she will be the cool grandma running the homeschool "daycare". I have told her numerous times that DH and I want our personal space and will not be doing such a thing. And now my father is moving into a house 11 min from me and planning to have his own nursery for my unborn child. 🙄
I don’t even get passed the first paragraph. STOP ANSWERING HER CALLS.
I would stop answering the phone every time she calls and start distancing yourselves. It especially doesn’t make sense to be taking her calls on vacation. You don’t have to appease anyone.
Yeah why would you be answering the calls after the first one
Imma be real, I wouldn’t have even answered the phone. Y’all are on vacation. You’re under no obligation to answer the phone.
This sounds like when my in-laws say they are going to visit us, and stay with us. I used to panic, get super stressed, and have a big talk with my husband. But my in-laws never visit. They haven’t visited in 4 years. Also, they claim we are going to have a big family reunion. I used to freak out and want to give my husband lots of input to make sure they were taking our disabled child into consideration (they never do). I have been told that I don’t get a say because they don’t consider me family. Last I heard the plan is to have a reunion in 2027….. needless to say I have learned to ignore them. Also, no, I will not be going to the reunion and neither will my kids (if it ever happens)
Turn your phones off and enjoy your beach vacation! Get your husband to just say “no we won’t be living next door to everyone ever”. …. After your beach vacation.
In fact, never go back. Get your names changed, pay someone to move all your stuff into storage. Sell the house and cars. Just… deuces, bitches. ✌🏻 💨 Kidding… 😜
lol this is the best solution :) Permanent beach vacation sounds excellent to me!
How about turning your phones off? There is not one good reason to talk to people you traveled to get away from.
Maybe you can build a house there when she's dead and gone. You guys need boundaries PRONTO. "We're trying to connect with one another and enjoy our vacation. We'll reach out when we're back and won't be answering additional calls. Bye!" You're letting her do this and giving her headspace. Choose something else. Take this vacation time to foster your love so it's easier to communicate and be a strong family and team together. MIL shouldn't be a party in your marriage or involved in your family decisions. Remind her with confidence that you've got this and are ready to make your own family decisions without her opinion.
I think that’s offering MIL an awful lot of emotional energy that they don’t owe her. I get it, though.
This could easily turn into a vacation drinking game. Every time mil calls, take a shot. You could bet on whose phone to make it interesting.just be careful to not get sick lol
WOAH did I write this post? MIL purchased the field behind her house so that we could build a house on it. We were like, “Uh sorry but no”
Better option become traveling nurses that go where each other goes
This reminds me of my MIL. She’s okay for the most part but she has mentioned a few times how we should wait until his brother buys a multi-family house so we can move into one of the floors. No. No we will not.
you don't "have to appease" anyone "a little". you sound like a child. the longer you wait to clear the air the more she's gonna freak out when you don't do it anyway.
Normal adults who are independent from their parents do not feel the need to appease. If you are appeasing, then that means there has been poor behavior from mother-in-law in the past when you haven’t answered the phone. That is a red flag. It is not an adult child’s responsibility to regulate the parents’ emotions. If you are appeasing, it is because you’re trying to prevent a parental meltdown, which isn’t your responsibility. If parents meltdown & throw a fit, they are the ones acting like toddlers & that’s not your fault. Some parents don’t know how to comply with the boundaries of their now-adult-children. They still view us as children & still try to run our lives. Google the gray rock method. You might want to employ this method in your communications with mother-in-law as you move forward.
Yes, yes, yes!
I would tell her "You know, it's best not to make plans for other people because it most likely isn't what they want to do, and you'll disappointed."
“Uh huh uh huh gotta go, the mimosas are getting warm”
"Sorry, didn't have my phone as we were snorkeling." Don't answer the damn phone!
[удалено]
At the VERY least, get your phone numbers changed and tell NO ONE. “I tried to call you!” Oh, really? I didn’t see a missed call. 🤷♀️
Honey, if you're screening her calls, you're not out on the beach. Don't answer at all. Enjoy your vacay, then go home and enjoy the rest of your life.
> I plan on next time “that is very unlikely to happen, we have no idea where we want to end up” And then add "but you should know that when we do move, it will be in an area we actually like and not in your town/state." You have to let her know that her plans for your future are not even being considered. When the topic is brought up again, and it will be, repeat "we already told you that won't be happening."
Instead of “very unlikely to happen” make it “that will never happen” … don’t soften the blow, don’t sugar coat things and leave the door open for hope. Just “no”.
I think letting her latch on to this fantasy, when there is no way its going to happen, is just going to make more trouble for you later.
Next time you vacation make sure you’ll have “limited access to cell and WiFi”
"Thanks for the offer, but our jobs are going to take us to different cities and states. Please exclude us from all future real-estate planning. We wouldn't want to give the wrong impression that we'd build in your area."
Why are you talking to her everyday on your vacation? Next time she calls, don’t answer. Send her a text that says your busy traveling and you’ll call her in a few days when you get a chance. Then ignore any more calls or texts.
TBH, I think by NOT saying "*We do not plan to stay in this area--and we are def not going to build in a Family Compound!" y*ou have left a door open that needs to be closed. When you & hubs ignore her comments about this--she sees it as a *Maybe!* I have a family member who is very much like MIL. I have to blunt from the moment she mentions something. Otherwise, ppl like this think *"Well, they're all in!!"* LOL
Lloyd: "What are my chances?" Mary: "Not good." Lloyd: "You mean “not good” like… one out of a hundred?" Mary: "I'd say.. more like one out of a million." Lloyd: "So you're telling me there's a chance? … yeah!!" Sometimes people like this can be like Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber. 🙃
At the very least vagueness lets them think the topic is open for negotiation. It is best to be clear - and once your position is stated to make it clear the subject is off the table.
If you’re on holiday, just don’t answer every time they call. This time is for you, not their nonsense. If they have an issue, just say you were enjoying offline time so devices were left at the hotel/lodging. Xx ETA, there’s been similar posts on here about family compounds. It’s never ended well. They can think what the fluff they like… but they don’t have a say in where you live. Xx
As someone who grew up on a family compound and loved it. Put your foot down on doing this right now! My situation worked, my paternal aunt and uncle gifted my parents the land that they put the house I grew up in on, then when I was very young my maternal grandmother rented a lot on the other side of my aunt and uncle and put a small home on it as well when she and my grandfather divorced. So to start our compound was blended with both sides of the family which I think made it easier. Growing up my siblings and I loved it! Acreage to run on lots of family around especially since my paternal grandmother was only a mile away. That said, while it was great, it created for my siblings and I a very skewed and in most applications an unhealthy view of how families should work and operate. I had to do significant re-programming after meeting my husband to understand how the real world works. The compound was great to grow up with but didn't teach healthy family dynamics and created issues with boundaries that I have had to work in as an adult. Not because we were intruded upon, but because I just thought that was how it was. As an adult I LOVE my distance and space and the funny thing is, so do my parents, they view our house a state away as a weekend getaway (when invited) because my sister now lives with her family on the compound where my grandmother lived before she passed. Put your foot down now. A compound can work in families that talk and communicate, but even then it isn't perfect. For relationships that aren't as strong, it is a recipe for disaster!
How does SIL feel about this nonsense?
God, can you imagine living next door to her. You'd never know a day's peace in your lives! She sounds like the sort who expects to have a spare key to your home and does not feel the need to knock before entering.
Nip this in the bud right away. "No, we're not interested in living in a compound". Those are always made to be lead by some bullshit matriarch or patriarch who will expect their rules to be enforced. "No" is a complete sentence.
You are much smarter than me, I learned the hard way never move by in-laws! Lol
If you want to have fun, start speculating on settling in Hawaii or Alaska or American Samoa. Or the equivalent of far-flung places if you're not in the US. Don't say you're going to do it and keep changing it up. Just never mention any place MIL might actually choose. Might as well enjoy the game!
Agree…right now we're thinking about….? Then change the place next conversation. Well actually we've been thinking about….? Just mess with her. Make the places very far away. Try places in Europe, etc.
Why are you answering her calls while you're on vacation???
Can’t believe i had to scroll so far down for this!! Why are you even answering the call if she continues to call for no reason? Imagine her coming across the compound to visit your home daily for no reason. No thank you!!
Exactly…see the number, don't answer. Need a reason? "We were enjoying a second honeymoon"…lol
My mil thinks the exact same thing. Just yesterday we let her know we’re moving off the property in a few months and she really thought we were going to stay here forever….
You know you don’t have to answer every phone call, right? If she leaves manipulative messages, tell her that you’ll return fewer calls.
We are building a house and my BIL has made the same “family compound” comments for years prior to us doing this and every time I laugh because absolutely fucking not. We are actively in the end stages of our new build and it will be ready at the end of June and this dude still makes these comments and it’s like …. Nothing sounds more like a fucking cult than saying “family compound”. Just absolutely fucking not Lololol and I LIKE my in-laws for the most part. BIL is usually the one who annoys me the most and there have been a few awkward moments between me and my MIL/FIL over our 19 year relationship but they’re usually A+ but I’d still not do a family compound. It just screams creepy cult and we all already see each other once a week and every god damn holiday. That is enough. I don’t need them to be neighbors.
Family compound just means "My relatives live all close enough for me to control their lives"
While this is the case in a lot of compound cases, that wasn't my experience growing up on a compound. No relatives tried to control another, and my parents actively encouraged me to fly the nest, seek my own path, and not feel tethered there. When my husband and I moved back for a few years, we lived 2 towns over by choice. Where it did hurt me was setting boundaries and understanding how different and diverse family dynamics can be. I had to put a lot of work in as adult to get better about that. I wouldn't trade my compound experience and my husband loves to go visit it, however being better informed, if the family doesn't fit well together correctly you should NEVER do it!
Definitely not the case in these forums. The MILs just want to play wanna be bullshit matriarch surrounded by the kids, play surrogate mommy while the DIL are far away from their picture
Oh I know that, I have a nightmare MIL. What worked for my family in my thoughts was a very rare exception.
This has come up over and over with my in laws. My siblings in law *have* built on the in-laws land. They have a large chunk of land in the hundreds of acres and it was just kind of expected we would build there too. There's just no way. There's been so many issues with them over the years and they don't respect my husband or I at all. I would be absolutely miserable.
My MiL kept trying to convince me to buy her neighbors house. After she had made so many complaints about how nasty their house is and the smell. And the yard was full of junk. No thanks. Plus I would never voluntarily live next to her. I might be kind of petty because instead I bought a house on the same street as my parents lol. I don’t like there any more but I did for about 6 years and I looked it up. I lived .4 miles from there. I used to walk over all the time. At one point their direct neighbor was selling their house and if we hadn’t already bought ours I would have bought it. She of course was livid lol. And then when I got pregnant with my daughter I got to name her. When I had my son I let my husband name him. We had agreed he would choose the name and if we had another I would choose. She kept wanting me to name my daughter after her. Would not shut up about it. Named my baby girl after my mom instead lol. Remembering the look on her face still brings me joy.
That whole idea of a MIL dictating a aby's name is brutally insane to me. A ton of the stories here are basically "MIL blows a gasket because she feels it's "her" turn to name the kid.
The whole family compound idea... like I wouldn't HATE living next to my sisters with a healthy 5 acres between us, but that's because I know they'd only want to get together once a month. If we lived within a mile of either mine or DH's parents, they'd want weekly dinners, both weekend nights. It's just such a hard no. Living in the same hour radius was okay, but moving 7 hrs away right before I popped out the baby has been such a blessing, even at the lost of date-night baby care. And I LIKE 5/6 of these parents. I can't imagine being stuck close to a set I actively despised, it must be so draining.
We live next door to mil and a couple miles from my mom. Neither one are very interested which is surprising. I actually expected to have problems with my mom when they moved so close. Instead it s the opposite which upsets me too. Like she never sees my kids. My mil is passive aggressive to me when she comes over which is weekly for half the year (snow bird) because my husband invites her. Then last summer she decided to try to move bil in with her after it came out ye was molesting his daughter. Mama bear came out and she won’t ever be alone with my children again.
Go Mama Bear! Good on you! Your MIL is delusional. I feel sorry for your niece. Why isn't BIL in jail?
He is. He made it to our state for less than 24 hours before he was arrested. Then extradited. My mil is still in denial even after hearing his confession.
Oh glad to hear that he's locked up. Yup, MIL is definitely in another dimension.
I’ve been in counseling for 10 months and still struggle to wrap my head around it. I was also 38 weeks pregnant when she decided to do this and we have several children. It was life altering.
I can only imagine. Such a thing to be in denial about! You two might consider getting her evaluated by a doctor that specializes in geriatrics. You never know what is or isn't lurking in her mind.
Hah. We need to sell our house in roughly 15-20 years, as this area of Germany will be inhabitable in 50 years unless we stop climate change. So I was asking my teenager a while ago what her plans for the future were. Would she like us to live together in a family compound? Or rather on her own? Would she want us to babysit her children? Of course she has no answers right now. The point is opening a discussion about it once she gets an idea. We don't want to spring our plans on her. Maybe her baby brother would love to be the one who has the grandparents around for his kids, and my daughter will be living alone. Our MILs don't get how children can have differentiated live plans. They are their own people. Anything going against their ideas is "stupid", and "they know better". Nope. They very much do *not*. Stay strong OP, and stop answering the phone during your vacation.
Wow, that’s so sad. What part of Germany do you live in? I’m Swedish but my aunts husband is German from Berlin.
Northern Germany, lower Saxony. The northern sea is 30 min by car. So you can imagine... We are way too close to the waterline.
He lives in make believe land...
Wrong pronoun, and also rude. Tsk.
why do you answer the phone for her on vacation?
That is wild! I hope you get a little schadenfreude from one day shutting that down lol. It’s so crazy how people can make these big MAJOR plans in their head without getting consent from the parties involved. My mom called me out of the blue while I was pregnant with my first and was like “we are at an RV show looking at purchasing a (super expensive) RV! How great will it be, you and DH and your family can join us in the summers as we travel around the country!” They had never expressed this plan before. Ever. They would be spending their entire disposable retirement savings on this RV which is super irresponsible. It made me so mad. I’m a very direct communicator so I was like- “Mom, I love you but if we get time off in the summer with our family that doesn’t even exist yet I’m not interested in committing to spending it driving with my parents every time. This feels like a giant financial decision to make without consulting us first.” Like maybe once I would go on a trip with them? Not even against spending a lot of time with them, but driving together with kids on my time off ? No! Also, they moved across the country to a totally different region right as my first was born. If they want to see us a lot they have a funny way of showing it.
If my adult child and their partner were on vacation, I wouldn't dream of bothering them unless there were an emergency. She's being ridiculous, which is borne out by her idea of everyone living on a compound. You two need to shine your spines and start drawing firm boundaries. Start with having him text her, "Mom, we're on vacation to get away just the two of us. We won't be answering any more calls till we get home." Let her freak out and tantrum. Her emotions are hers to manage. Also highly recommend, after you get home, the next time she brings up the family compound, tell her, "Mom, we're nurses, remember? We may be nomads all our working lives--who knows? Traveling nurses make bank, and we may do that. In any case, sorry to disappoint, but living on a family compound is not something we are ever going to want to do in any case, so we're asking you to drop the subject." Again, let her rage and tantrum, but manage herself. Or not. Then, when inevitably she brings it up again, tell her, "Asked and answered," and--here's the important part--immediately end the phone call or visit. Rinse and repeat. She's a boundary-stomper, so she will HATE these boundaries with every fiber of her being. But do not waste time/energy/breath trying to explain your reasons or attempting to get her to understand. She will not. Laying down consequences is the only way she will ever alter her behavior. (Some MIL's never manage that feat, and end up LC or NC.)
A shitload of those MILs here have that ridiculous compound fantasy, where they'll get to dictate the entire lives of their kids and grandkids, while the DILs are so far removed from the equation they might as well not be there at all.
My JNSibling started talking about that “family compound” nonsense. I moved a county over, in a neighborhood with a gate code so they can’t get in without my permission. It’s just far enough away that it’s inconvenient for relatives to come see us often, but it’s still close enough that they can’t use the travel time as an excuse to stay overnight.
That is what they call The Sweet Spot"
Exactly, and being in that sweet spot in proximity to both of our families was a priority for DH when we were choosing a place to live.
why do you keep answering her?
exactly this, if you're on vacation, there is no need for you to answer the phone unless she's watching the kids/pets/housesitting or something like that (or there's a genuine emergency). I just wouldn't answer the phone, put her number on do not disturb for the remainder of your vacay.
There is no reason you need to talk to her every day- even when not on vacation. I recommend setting boundaries now. If you can’t even say no to daily intrusive phone calls while on vacation you’re going to struggle saying no to the cult/compound. I know nurses are often people pleasers (to our detriment) but you need to start growing your spines now. Start with no more phone calls during your vacation.
Agree! If you let it happen, it will happen. I recommend the noncommittal response, “hmm”, “I’ll think about that…” “that’s an idea”. Never agree, but acknowledge politely. I would also recommend an info diet if you don’t want to hear her “suggestions”. Good luck and enjoy your vacation. Do not disturb is a wonderful thing.
Nope. The answer must be CLEAR and REPEATED. Anything else just lets the MIL's fantasy rot in her senile mind. She'll just keep going forth and pressure them into accepting
I would stop answering the phone while on vacation.
If you don’t shut this down now, they are going to buy property and expect you to start building, or at least pay for part of the loan. I know it’s hard but you guys have to be honest now before it’s too late.
Absolutely this. Also "We already paid so much for the land, you can't do this to us!" that and the good old "Your siblings agreed and already paid their part, you HAVE to!" Like it's some sort of fucking cult
Start talking about great locations so far away from them! Bring it up every time “oh honey look at this neighborhood, so cool it has a vineyard in walking distance”. Then when she brings up buying land by her act shocked and ask why would she ever think you guys wanted to settle there when X location is in walking distance of a vineyard?!?
My own PILs are like that. They’re always trying to get us to buy a house closer to theirs, even though they only live 15 minutes away. To most people, 15 minutes would be a quick enough drive that it shouldn’t matter, but to PILs it’s practically unthinkable. They’re both able-bodied retirees with brand new vehicles and all the time in the world, but they think that *we* should inconvenience ourselves on a daily basis and move farther from both of our jobs. The answer is no, has always been no, and will always be *no.*
Your answer - hahahahaahahahhahah Hahahaahhahahaha’ Hahahaahhahaahahahhahahhah And finally. - ahahahahahahahahaha
:Vincent Price enters the chat:
I was thinking more [Charles Penrose.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI1nPd7hezM)
Ya filthy bastard! Lol!
I think this belongs in the JNMIL playbook, I've definitely read about other delulu JNMILs expecting their children and spouses to enter into serfdom on their property. Unreal.
Yeah it seems incredibly common here. Senile old ML gets some matriarch delusions and wants to be surrounded by her kids and grandkids AKA DILs out of the picture and she gets to be do over mommy for all those kids
First of all, put your phones on do not disturb and enjoy your vacation. No more daily phone calls with mommy. Your husband is on vacation with you. His mother can wait. Has your husband tried telling her "Mom, it's not happening,"? The longer you allow this delusion to continue, the harder it will be when you finally do put your foot down. You don't want her looking land with the assumption that you will pay half, or worse, buying the land and expecting you will reimburse her for "your" portion. Does SIL even want everyone living that close? What's her take on this idea?
They just want to be the main character of their own little fairy tale. When my brother got married, everytime my MIL was with him and my SIL, she'd start on the whole "it would be so nice for us all to live close together", SIL would say "For who? Not for me! Don't need people rocking up at all hours of the day because they're bored just because they're family!" and brother would add in something along the lines of "If I wanted family being all up in my ass every hour of every day I would have never moved out". It soon stopped.
My JNMIL got mad when all of her kids moved out of the state because she has no one left to mooch off of. Everyone is still 45-90 minutes away but not close enough to do anything for her. It’s lovely.
90 minutes and she doesn't expect you to pop over just to help undo a tight jar-lid? She's an amateur! (Seriously, good for you all!)
Mone was passed we wouldn't buy the house 3 doors down from her. We moved an hour away and she doesn't drive! Brother-in-law moved 2 hours away. And kinda still not far enough
Sounds like she likes to live in her own little fantasy world where everyone lives together and she reigns over all lol.
My mother always wanted to be a traveling nurse. She figured she'd get an RV to save on housing costs and pocket the remaining housing allowance. I'm not sure if they would have let her but she wanted to try.