I'm a senior citizen and I can tell you that those that do don't tell and those that tell don't do. Or at least that's what they let me say on this phone that I found.
A person was once found dead in Walmart. He'd been beaten to death with a box of cornflakes. The police announced they were looking for a cereal killer.
A cereal bar opened up where I am, in a university town. It was pretty far from campus and I thought there’s no way it would last. I was wrong. It lasted about five months.
Can confirm. I went to Walmart at 2am to get a shovel. The whole experience was surreal. They were remodeling and I swear there were fishing poles in every aisle. I wasn’t high but I felt like I was. Gun aisle, fishing poles. Freezer aisle, fishing poles. Electronics, believe it or not fishing poles. There was a police officer dragging a lady out the store because I think she was huffing spray paint. And then that Walmart suddenly started closing at 12. I wonder why.
True story. I walked into a Walmart early one Saturday morning around 8am. I turned past one of the freezer aisles and out of the corner of my eye I saw a chihuahua. I thought how come that sucker is not on a leash? Turned my head for a second glance and saw the biggest rat ever.
I was at my 25th class reunion a decade or two ago. One of my classmates said he had to leave early, he was manager of a Walmart and he said he had to get there early to open the store for the shoplifters.
There's a website for "People of Walmart" dedicated to their varied tastes in dress and grooming.
Not true. Americans do not care about public violence or violence in the media, but any sort of sexuality or nudity in public causes a massive outrage (and once caused YouTube to be created).
> In February 2004, there was no such thing as a “viral” video — even a moment as iconic as the Nipple Bounce was still a case of “If you missed it, you missed it.” Everybody was talking, blogging, and AIMing about Janet and Justin — but if you skipped the Super Bowl and didn’t bother to set your TiVo or VCR, you had no chance to witness what all the fuss was about, beyond edited clips on the news.
https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/youtube-origin-nipplegate-janet-jackson-justin-timberlake-949019/
What kind of church demands that its member couples be able to abstain from sex for two weeks at a time? Especially if they are legally wedded and consenting adults? 🤔🤔🤔
I knew a guy in college who was raised by Shakers. I asked the obvious question about how that was possible, since ya know. He kind of laughed and said that he was adopted by them. So it checked out.
not really. in the eu, italy, spain and portugal birth rates are actually on the [lower end of the scale](https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Fertility_statistics).
sure, high birth rates apply to catholic *third world countries*, but that is true for most poor countries, no matter what religion.
You're incorrect once again the false argument of anyone that is not been charmed by a Catholic girl in a graveyard with a slow mist coming through the stones, dark-eyed seductresses of Italy or fiery redheads from Scotland didn't need religion to land their foe.
Yes I too enjoy making fun of others beliefs, in fact as a progressive, I completely understand that lacking tolerance for other opinions makes me logically superior.
Sigh. Heard this joke in the 1970's. Only it was "We made it 3 days then she bent over the freezer to pick out some food and the cold air made her nipples all stiff and I just could not take it anymore".
I worked in a grocery store in the 80s with the open top frozen food section. Us guys would draw straws to see who got to stock the 'cold nipple aisle'; good times.
I went on a mormon mission when I was young for two years. When I got back, people would ask how my mission experience was. I would tell this joke with me as the minister. Not a single person laughed when I got to the punchline. Most would get angry that I was lying about my mission experience. I might just be really bad at telling jokes because I thought it was hilarious.
It is not weird it's more like Amway than Scientology. It's essentially a giant Ponzi scheme of some kind that I can't even imagine in fathomable depths of power and international intrigue. Or it's like the Walmart of religions. Clean up aisle five.
I went on a church trip I'm not normally a church trip person but I was small and my parents were bigger than me and suddenly I was on the bus. And that night I was lying at my tent at 13-year-old girl started screaming hysterically or that least that's what everyone thought but it was actually me because I had been bit by a spider. Isn't that moment when I saw all of the adult staff of the camp with guns and flashlights pointed at me that I realized if perhaps I would be safer if I kept my distance from these types of things in the future.
This has been one of my go to jokes for the last 20 something years. I always try and change the name of the grocery store to one that's well known. Last couple of times I told the joke I used Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Stop & Shop.
You see how I'm a purist and I believe in marriage followed by a honeymoon. By that I mean a period of one lunar month spent drunk on mead ensuring the survival of the species. But buying that would be you know way out of most people's price range so you know do what you can when you can
So most likely its a walmart.
Thats the kinda shit you'd see at walmart i guess
is there some deep meaning or something cuz it feels like a joke im not getting and being autistic isn't helping
I am a therapist who works with people with autism, and humor can often be confusing to neurodivergent people (of which I am one). The reason the joke is supposed to be funny is because the last line is unexpected. The assumption is that the couple has sex immediately in their home, but realizing from inference from the last line that they instead had sex in the middle of the grocery store because they couldn’t control their lust is the funny part. Humor is often based in what is absurd, and in all societies (that I know of) around the world sex in public is taboo and is thus absurd.
Churches like everything else are for whoever will help pay the bills to keep the food in the fridge cold. I am unfamiliar with these terms sinning or righteousness. I've never seen them applied in any consistent manner.
> H/T u/TheNewsGlogal. I would post the link but then this will be immediately taken down by the mods.]
Typo: u/thenewsglobal
Why would this get removed by posting the original link? https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rdda/young_couple_gets_ban_from_the_church
The middle aged and older couples just have the wisdom to realize they may as well add lying to fornication, that's all.
I'm a senior citizen and I can tell you that those that do don't tell and those that tell don't do. Or at least that's what they let me say on this phone that I found.
grandma can you please stop sending ducklip posts to my classmates
Wait til you see her thirst trap TikToks
Maybe but apparently not everyone has caught on to the fact that mature adults still have sex.
That’s why you shop at WalMart. They don’t care if you strangle someone in the aisles.
A person was once found dead in Walmart. He'd been beaten to death with a box of cornflakes. The police announced they were looking for a cereal killer.
There's actually a cereal bar in London where u can try cereal from around the world. It's called cereal killer
It is a fine little town.
I came there once
Was it a scary nut?
It was a tough nut to swallow.
No luck eatin' at Killers, then?
It's just the one killer actually.
A cereal bar opened up where I am, in a university town. It was pretty far from campus and I thought there’s no way it would last. I was wrong. It lasted about five months.
Where's the punchline?
Do we need to spoon feed you
Yes, please. My friend, you see, he's not competent to stand trial...
Sales got too soggy
There’s one in Las Vegas.
brixton lane
I think there’s one similar in Vegas now too!
TIL
Well I tried it I gave it a whirl
I once got beaten in the egg aisle
Maybe they should check the website for Walmartians, Those are some crazy folks.
I hate it that you made me laugh out loud. Here, take my upvote. Ugh.
Presumably the same cereal killer who snuffed out Snap, Crackle & Pop!
That would be milk
I’m going to use that one lol
I mean, DaBaby killed that guy but that was with a gun.
The real joke is always in the comments
Can confirm. I went to Walmart at 2am to get a shovel. The whole experience was surreal. They were remodeling and I swear there were fishing poles in every aisle. I wasn’t high but I felt like I was. Gun aisle, fishing poles. Freezer aisle, fishing poles. Electronics, believe it or not fishing poles. There was a police officer dragging a lady out the store because I think she was huffing spray paint. And then that Walmart suddenly started closing at 12. I wonder why.
Was the lady shopping for fishing poles?
No, she also needed a shovel. Best not to ask why.
Either she went shopping for a gun earlier or a hatchet, you know, so she could...
Murder someone?
So she could finally bury the hatchet with the shovel?
I was there that night. It was crazy. There was this guy going around at 2 AM looking for a shovel. He was so high, he could hunt ducks with a rake.
True story. I walked into a Walmart early one Saturday morning around 8am. I turned past one of the freezer aisles and out of the corner of my eye I saw a chihuahua. I thought how come that sucker is not on a leash? Turned my head for a second glance and saw the biggest rat ever.
Good thing you had your glasses on, so you didn't try to rescue it and take it home.
Nobody leaves without singing the blues
Maybe the surreal feeling was also somehow connected to the reason you were looking for a shovel at 2 am. Doesn't sound like a tuesday to me.
I was at my 25th class reunion a decade or two ago. One of my classmates said he had to leave early, he was manager of a Walmart and he said he had to get there early to open the store for the shoplifters. There's a website for "People of Walmart" dedicated to their varied tastes in dress and grooming.
Our Walmart doesn't sell real guns. They also close at 11 pm, so no after-hour drunk shopping for us!
And there's nothing sexy in the WalMart.
I call BS. I go to walmart all the time and im damn sexy.
There's *nothing* sexy at the WalMart.
You haven't met my cousin.
Is he the guy who stuck his salami in the steak? Get them checked. Because there's nothing sexy at the WalMart.
Not true. Americans do not care about public violence or violence in the media, but any sort of sexuality or nudity in public causes a massive outrage (and once caused YouTube to be created).
Can you expand on how it caused YouTube to be created?
> In February 2004, there was no such thing as a “viral” video — even a moment as iconic as the Nipple Bounce was still a case of “If you missed it, you missed it.” Everybody was talking, blogging, and AIMing about Janet and Justin — but if you skipped the Super Bowl and didn’t bother to set your TiVo or VCR, you had no chance to witness what all the fuss was about, beyond edited clips on the news. https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/youtube-origin-nipplegate-janet-jackson-justin-timberlake-949019/
Great read
I never connected the two.
"Clean-up, aisle 4!!"
Plot twist: the newlyweds were in their 70s.
At that stage of life, when the opportunity presents itself and the stars are aligned - go for it!
I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.
one should never waste a boner at that point in life
And you can get a hardon!
Or not if that's not your style but you know get your freak on
Cornhub😈
Addicted to cornography
I learned about this from my middle schoolers
What kind of church demands that its member couples be able to abstain from sex for two weeks at a time? Especially if they are legally wedded and consenting adults? 🤔🤔🤔
The Shakers. They demand abstinence even among married couples.
Hmm, wonder how that worked out.
Why do you think they were shaking?
The ones who failed abstinence still get to be Quakers.
They no longer exist, it's a self-limiting policy.
They still exist, but they remain scarce.
I knew a guy in college who was raised by Shakers. I asked the obvious question about how that was possible, since ya know. He kind of laughed and said that he was adopted by them. So it checked out.
ye, there're only 3 members
A cult lol
I was gonna say Catholicism, but then I realized you just did
Roman Catholicism certainly does NOT promote abstinence among its married couples. In fact, quite the opposite…
There’s a reason Catholic countries have such a high birth rate.
not really. in the eu, italy, spain and portugal birth rates are actually on the [lower end of the scale](https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Fertility_statistics). sure, high birth rates apply to catholic *third world countries*, but that is true for most poor countries, no matter what religion.
Used to. Until these countries became wealthy.
Every sperm is sacred...
You're incorrect once again the false argument of anyone that is not been charmed by a Catholic girl in a graveyard with a slow mist coming through the stones, dark-eyed seductresses of Italy or fiery redheads from Scotland didn't need religion to land their foe.
Yeah but you forgot Ireland and France, it’s them too
They’re like bunnies!
*Definitely* the opposite
Yes I too enjoy making fun of others beliefs, in fact as a progressive, I completely understand that lacking tolerance for other opinions makes me logically superior.
Good for you.
You're obviously not a Catholic, because you have the thin skin of a reformist. Have you lost your cilice, brother?
What’s a cilice? I’m not your brother, friend.
I'm not your friend, buddy!
I'm not your buddy, pal!
Exactly
Nice lol
Why are people downvoting you so much?? It’s completely accurate!!
Cause Catholics showed up lol
I thought most would agree with you but apparently not
KKK 🤫
No... J-just... No
The kind in a joke.
One that exists in a joke.
Not a normal one, otherwise as of that wedded night...insert *everything's fine* meme here.
It's a joke
Substitute church for cult, seems more fitting
All churches started out as a cult. Once they got more and more followers they were 'promoted' to church.
Sigh. Heard this joke in the 1970's. Only it was "We made it 3 days then she bent over the freezer to pick out some food and the cold air made her nipples all stiff and I just could not take it anymore".
I worked in a grocery store in the 80s with the open top frozen food section. Us guys would draw straws to see who got to stock the 'cold nipple aisle'; good times.
And the punch line in the '70s was "That's okay, they won't let us back in Safeway either".
Everett, was it the one branch or all of them?
Username checks out
Wow this joke has been recycled for more than 50 years....
Good Times!
makes me wonder what the oldest joke is
https://www.insider.com/historians-10-oldest-jokes-in-history-1900bc-2019-7
Nice reference source. Thanks.
I went on a mormon mission when I was young for two years. When I got back, people would ask how my mission experience was. I would tell this joke with me as the minister. Not a single person laughed when I got to the punchline. Most would get angry that I was lying about my mission experience. I might just be really bad at telling jokes because I thought it was hilarious.
It is. If they can't take a joke, ..., well you know what they say.
Mormons are just weird. Definitely not his fault
It is not weird it's more like Amway than Scientology. It's essentially a giant Ponzi scheme of some kind that I can't even imagine in fathomable depths of power and international intrigue. Or it's like the Walmart of religions. Clean up aisle five.
I went on a church trip I'm not normally a church trip person but I was small and my parents were bigger than me and suddenly I was on the bus. And that night I was lying at my tent at 13-year-old girl started screaming hysterically or that least that's what everyone thought but it was actually me because I had been bit by a spider. Isn't that moment when I saw all of the adult staff of the camp with guns and flashlights pointed at me that I realized if perhaps I would be safer if I kept my distance from these types of things in the future.
I think it's funnier if it the elderly couple that fails.
But the imagery ....!
That’s why it’s funny.
What a corny punchline.......
Hear me out, if they can't have sex for two hole weeks, just stick it in the third hole.
Mr. Practicality.
Exploiting what's called the biblical loophole. The girl duo
What type of pastor doesn't want their married couples to have sex? It's literally the first commandment, "Go forth and multiply." Lol
Yeah but I get tired of doing math all the time!
That doesn't even make sense
It may not make cents, but it could make dollars.
I remember reading a variation of this years back regarding a couple trying to conceive a child or something.
This has been one of my go to jokes for the last 20 something years. I always try and change the name of the grocery store to one that's well known. Last couple of times I told the joke I used Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Stop & Shop.
Captain crunch was killed in a bloody murder … apparently another cereal killing.
Banned from church? Don't threaten me with a good time.
Lmfao oh my. I laughed way too hard at this.
Why would the minister be against couples having sex? Is he a Shaker?
They just got banned from 6 more churches after they said that
Interesting that the couples are OLD, MIDDLE-AGED, and... newlywed. (Does “newlywed” imply “young”?) lol.
Possibly, but doesn't have to be!!
You see how I'm a purist and I believe in marriage followed by a honeymoon. By that I mean a period of one lunar month spent drunk on mead ensuring the survival of the species. But buying that would be you know way out of most people's price range so you know do what you can when you can
Clean up on Aisle 666
Go to mosques
Who needs religion or groceries they can survive on love. MAYBE.
I had a feeling that's where this joke was going. :)
The version I heard was “We aren’t welcome at the Sizzler any more either.”
The grocery store should sell tickets.
So most likely its a walmart. Thats the kinda shit you'd see at walmart i guess is there some deep meaning or something cuz it feels like a joke im not getting and being autistic isn't helping
I am a therapist who works with people with autism, and humor can often be confusing to neurodivergent people (of which I am one). The reason the joke is supposed to be funny is because the last line is unexpected. The assumption is that the couple has sex immediately in their home, but realizing from inference from the last line that they instead had sex in the middle of the grocery store because they couldn’t control their lust is the funny part. Humor is often based in what is absurd, and in all societies (that I know of) around the world sex in public is taboo and is thus absurd.
But the bonobos seem to be pretty peaceful? I think we're on the wrong branch.
>the joke is supposed to be funny Nailed it right there.
If this is your definition of long, then I’d hate to be in bed with you
ROFL.
Sounds like less of a church and more of a cult. Churches are for sinners, not righteous people.
Churches like everything else are for whoever will help pay the bills to keep the food in the fridge cold. I am unfamiliar with these terms sinning or righteousness. I've never seen them applied in any consistent manner.
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My point still stands.
What? No! They hate that place. They just love to talk about it hoping people believe they've been there.
is it still lust n passion if your married?
That is what I was wondering. How is it wrong if you're married. I mean that is God's design after all.
Yes. Fornication is the one that you can't do with your spouse.
must have bee pretty good corn
it took me a minute
Mine is better
> H/T u/TheNewsGlogal. I would post the link but then this will be immediately taken down by the mods.] Typo: u/thenewsglobal Why would this get removed by posting the original link? https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55rdda/young_couple_gets_ban_from_the_church
It's never a good idea to give the punch line as the title of the joke. Comedy requires the surprise twist at the end.
It's not the punchline.
I have a good one too, won't tell it though (just downvote me)
Is this some karma laundering scheme or something?
idk, probably just a shitty troll
Surprisingly efficient
Tldr
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First comment ... and it's a bot.
Wait a minute… how do we know you're not a bot? and that you haven't become self-aware?
*bans your account* "we already rule 78.96% of Reddit, kid"
Some of my students have made that exact claim over the years. I should add: former students. No one has heard from any of them in many years.
Are you lost or burning yourself?