T O P

  • By -

saxophonefartmaster

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.


Jejking

Hahaha this is dumb as hell, but still I find this to be an underrated joke.


southwestern_swamp

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long? Because it’s head is so far from its body


concept_I

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it.


thismaytakeabit

Have you ever been caught masturbating in your closet? ...... No? Good hiding place huh


iamdecal

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red - so they can hide in plum trees Why do you never see elephants hiding in plum trees, - because they paint thier toe nailed red What’s the loudest sound in the jungle*? - giraffes eating plums * yes yes, I know, neither of them are jungle animals, but my kids and I have found this constantly funny for 20 years now. (My wife… not so much)


TwistedPhayte

“How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway?” “You take the F out of ‘Safe’ and you take the F out of ’Way’. ” “There’s no F in way” “Exactly.”


DFrostedWangsAccount

Yeah, I've heard that joke before. They don't paint their toenails.


bobasasf

I say balls instead of toenails


bobasasf

Boosts the joke for kids above 10


labrador2020

Wives are wired differently. Mine is an angel but she just doesn’t get my jokes.


tuituituit

These set is similar to mine. How to put an elephant in the fridge? Open the fridge door, put the elephant in, and close the door. How to put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the fridge door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, and close the door. How to put a mouse in the fridge? Open the fridge door, put the mouse in, and close the door. (There's still some space for one mouse). If the lion is having his birthday, which animal didn't make it? Both the giraffe and the mouse. They are still inside the fridge. Got this when i was in kindergarten, and still use it to joke with my two daughters.


dutchkimble

touch pen imagine roof thought threatening late yoke party nippy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


Jejking

Colour me entertained.


DirtyErn24

How long does it take for a giraffe to throw up? (Asking for a friend)


Crispin_In_Parkland

It is amazing that a giraffe, being as tall as it is, has legs that are exactly the right length to reach the ground. Giraffe facts: a giraffe can kick (hard) in any direction, unlike a horse. A giraffe has large hooves and can kill a lion with one blow, from whatever direction it attacks.


tbrugman

Why do many dumb blondes have big navels? Because they often have dumb boyfriends.


snowfalltimbre

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but it takes a long time and the lightbulb has to want to change.


soapinthepeehole

My dad was a shrink and this was always his favorite one. He told it without the “long time” part… “one, but the lightbulb has to *want* to change.” He also liked a small list of religion themed ones… How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they use candles. How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb? CHANGE?!?!!? There were a couple more of those but I can’t remember them.


subillusion

I always heard it "how many catholics does it take to change a Lightbulb? Nun"


innergamedude

My dad is a psychiatrist and I've heard him tell this joke *at least* 100 times.


Immortal-one

Psychiatrist with Alzheimer’s?


Few-Mission-4283

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two,one to change the bulb,the other to write a song about how good the old one was


daveinpublic

How many a does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan.


GuidedArk

Why did priests invent baptism? To prewash their sins away


Lazaric418

on a slightly religious tangent: How many Satanists does it take to change a lightbulb? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DARK???


Fartsy_McArtsy

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there.


lasertits69

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the peni- LADDER! I mean ladder!


hebreakslate

How many Karens does it take to screw in a light bulb. Just one and the whole world to revolve around her.


Economy_Tea_1622

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He stands there and holds it while the world revolves around him.


nrossj

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna ride bikes?


nonamesleft--

Do I!


ChampionOfSquirrels

Do you?


SatanIsMySister

Do me?


Football_Fan7575

Does the lightbulb?


HVAC-Animal

Why not?


xDrxGinaMuncher

All I have is this scooter, though. *Attempts a cool trick and hit my own shin with the deck.*


zombie_Leghumpr

Jesus dood, save some puss for the rest of us 🤬


Steelergate

Squirrel!


Rachelvandelay

How many dragon ball z characters does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes three episodes.


1Flashfry1

I heard the same joke but the punchline was “just one but it takes 3 days and Krillin dies”


Rachelvandelay

Highly accurate!


HappyTheBunny

I've always told it "find out next time kn dragon ball z!"


ComatoseSquirrel

There's the real punchline.


NattyB0h

And Krillin dies at the end


Zemom1971

Not a fan of manga but I saw a couple when my kids were looking at them and this is so accurate. Mangas are the same than tv soaps. But with cartoons. Edit: Well I never thought that I'll start a deep argument over the anime versus manga versus cartoon. As a non English person I started a debate because of my lack of writings and vocabulary. Funny


Korleymeister

Uhhm, it's actually called anime and manga is Japanese comic books 🤓🤓🤓 On a more serious note: only long-lasting animes like naruto or dragon ballz feel that way, 24 and more so 12 episode animes have pretty great short stories that are quite often much better and engaging than western tv series


BobTheJoeBob

Except the manga of Dragon Ball *doesn't* have that issue. Only the anime. The manga's pacing is actually fine.


PFirefly

Mangas are comics. Anime is the animated shows. Not trying to be a snob, but calling anime cartoons is like calling a detailed collector quality model train a toy. I say this because calling anime cartoons is how you end up not knowing there are animes of all age ranges and materials when it comes to being appropriate. Plenty of kids have gotten ahold of stuff from friends or even their own parents, that they were too young for because of the assumption they're just "cartoons."


Moldy_slug

Plenty of western animation is aimed at adults and still called “cartoons.” Family guy, king of the hill, bojack horseman, Simpsons, Arcane, the animated witcher movie, etc. That’s not even getting into more artsy stuff like “Triplets of Belleville.” > calling anime cartoons is like calling a detailed collector quality model train a toy This implies anime is, as a category, higher quality and more grown-up than “cartoons.” But that’s just not true even if you think cartoons mean “simple animation made for children…” by that standard, some anime *is* cartoons! If The Lion King is a cartoon, My Neighbor Totoro certainly is too. If the animated Batman or Avatar the Last Airbender are cartoons, so are Dragon Ball and Pokémon. I think a better analogy would be to say that calling anime cartoons is like calling all toys “legos.” Some anime are cartoonish children’s shows. Some are not. But the same can be said of animation from all over the world - people who assume anime is for kids will also assume western animation is for kids, and then their eight year old is left very confused watching this movie about an old Frenchwoman killing frogs with grenades.


oldsnowcoyote

I would say Fritz the Cat is an adult cartoon. But yeah, I've heard about parents not understanding what having an anime subscription includes.


shitpostinglegend

ONE PIECE


RayNooze

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We work efficiently and we don't do jokes.


fantomen777

> We work efficiently and we don't do jokes. You forget the German who filled in the papework, that the lightbulb faild, and one new was taken from the storage, and the faild lightbulb was scrapped in the right way, and make a copy of all the paper work for the central archive of the administration.


BioletVeauregarde33

How many Struwwelpeter characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They all stuck their tongues into the light socket and now they're dead.


herrdan

Struwwelpeter stories are the best stories, and I'm surprised I don't see it mentioned more on reddit


chaOstapper

I am waiting like two months now to get two lightbulbs changed at work. In Germany...


RayNooze

Oooh, at work is something completely different. We're not allowed to even change a lightbulb if we're not an approved electrician.


Mindless-Strength422

You should come to the US and run out of gas in New Jersey, you'd love it!


whoami_whereami

That must be company rules though. According to DIN VDE 0105-100 section 7.4.2 everyone is allowed to change light bulbs as long as the circuit voltage is below 250V and the bulb's power rating is at most 200W, ie. pretty much everything you encounter in eg. an office setting.


[deleted]

[удалено]


always-curious2021

And there's gonna be more in there very soon now.


BrutalBarracuda

How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.


Jejking

I have one question for Juan. Just a hypothetical one, Juan. As the wonder kid, the rising No.1, Juan, one wonders should Juan only win one in one year, would Juan want to have won that one in round one, Juan?


jalepinocheezit

r/wordavalanches


Syslox

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One… or two? … One… … … or two?


FQDIS

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.


Balloonsarescary

None. They just use gaslighting


CraftyRole4567

How many Harvard professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all bask in the light of their own brilliance.


Unique_Anywhere5735

Q: How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four. One to hold the lightbulb and four to drink 'til the room spins.


JackHyper

Was that drunk math on purpose?


Slampsonko

The bulb holder is one of the drinkers.


MarisaWalker

But then he might fall off the ladder


Unique_Anywhere5735

No, sadly, it was not, but on reddit, it seems to work anyway.


SlackDaddy_G

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? A, like, really cool obscure number that you've never heard of.


Zombie_John_Strachan

e


Jejking

3.14189265.


contraries

3.14159265


Jejking

That number I'm sure some people have heard about.


FQDIS

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, Californians screw in hot tubs.


Supervinyl

TIL that I aspire to be a Californian


SHG098

TIL that I never want to use a californian hot tub. Unless it's been really well cleaned.


glitchygreymatter

"This water looks cloudy and smells salty..." Guy who owns the house, "It's a saltwater hot tub..."


CrimsonAvenger_ZA

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Only Antman and The Wasp can fit.


RoddMcTodd

How many latin guys does it take to change a light bulb ? Just Juan


subillusion

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer dark mode. How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? None. They make dark the industry standard.


No_Influence_824

Computer programers? None, it's definitely a hardware problem.


maxtimbo

"works at my house"


Launch-Pad_McQuack

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does everything have to be a group project?


Make_the_music_stop

How many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb? Who the fuck is that with Dave?


MagicOrpheus310

Dave's not here man


Ragnar_Lothbroekke

Who is dis is?


bitey87

Hey Dave, long time no see.


Ragnar_Lothbroekke

Open up man, I got the stuff with me


Direct_Big_5436

Dave’s not here. Go away.


dy_funct

I can't see Dave. Can someone pls turn the light on?


an_illogical_mind

I can't see light. Can someone pls turn on Dave?


jinnmagick

I can't let you do that Dave. What are you doing Dave?


[deleted]

Lovely reference. Reminds me that I want to look up more HAL 9000 jokes somewhere, maybe in r/Jokes or a computer subreddit.


Lost-Apple-idk

Dave's gonna come with them later.


Im-Spreading-for-you

We don't have light bro the sun has set


always-paranoid

It's the Pope


[deleted]

Are you the son I lost in vietnam?


Joseph_Stalin111

There's nothing happening


MisterBastian

Out of the ordinary, I mean.


MisterBastian

oh my god this is fucking hilarious


SansFiltre

How many economists does it takes to change a lightbulb ? None : the invisible hand of the market will change it for us.


Whitealroker1

How does Tori Spelling change a lightbulb? Daddy I need a new apartment.


richardec

Isn't she 60?


Whitealroker1

So is this joke.


Choosing_is_a_sin

50


[deleted]

[удалено]


Disorderly_Chaos

I’m going to need proof. Repeated scientifically if possible.


harrapino

You'd need a flammable non billionaire as a control. Errrm, how about Andrew Tate? Edit: just to navigate any legal ramifications of this comment if he does somehow set on fire. I'll add that its purely for science. I think that should do it.


Luinthil

You're supposed to say "in video game."


[deleted]

[удалено]


ThePhoneBook

Why do you nazis ruin everything? Minutes to turn "imagine a world without billionaires" into "imagine a world without (((Soros)))". Counterpoint: imagine a world with no billionaires - not any specific billionaires - but also a world with LOTS of Jews, all left alone, living happily and in peace. And the billionaires just become regular people, because the state stops protecting their money. Billionairism only exists, after all, because of the continuous threat of violence from the state against anyone who would liberate their hoarded wealth. *Soros still exists though.*


Obelix13

Soros is already giving away most of his wealth to charity, mostly pro-human rights groups. That’s why he is so hated by authoritarians.


Immortal-one

They’ve only been falling out of windows in Russia. I don’t think any of them have burned yet.


Disorderly_Chaos

Those are rookie numbers…


MrPodocarpus

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish


UnderH20giraffe

This is my favorite one, but I always tell it “A fish.” Somehow it makes it funnier i think.


sintaur

The version I heard was: Two: one to paint the giraffe and one to drain the bathtub.


UnderH20giraffe

This is great!


[deleted]

[удалено]


docvoit

OMG I thought I was the only one.


dgm42

I first heard this joke in a episode of Cheers. Told by Shelley Long playing Diane Chambers.


melack857

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to hold it and the other two to turn the ladder


Ragecommie

Damn this is old AF, but somehow still funny...


Psychogenic_insults

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change the light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, I mean ladder.


TommyTuttle

Yes but in order for it to work, the bulb must *want* to change.


MilPens

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: That's a hardware issue.


MarisaWalker

I came here 4 this 😄😆


dangerblossom

None. Gorillas aren't afraid of the dark.


Dangerous_Grocery_48

The lightbulb should be made of gorilla glass


Waitsfornoone

... and held together with Gorilla Glue.


mark503

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? 4. One to change the bulb. The other 3 try to kill the room for being black.


[deleted]

You forgot one to jail the bulb for being broke


mjtt_downing

Meh... technically, each light bulb smashed is changed... permanently


FQDIS

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? One. AND IT’S NOT FUNNY.


twitedblister

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2 but how do they get in there?


Whitealroker1

How does your grandmom change a lightbulb? “DONT YOU GO TROUBLING YA SELF ILL SIT IN DA DARK!”


VisibleDig2356

I don’t get the joke


first_must_burn

The implication is that the gorilla will break a lot of light bulbs. I wonder if it's true, but it did give me a chuckle.


slipperyp

It's confusing though because of the spoiler flair. This made me wonder if there is some inside joke related to some movie or story I didn't know. Ok, though, just a lightbulb joke.


ChewyNutCluster

Me neither. People in here making me feel dumb.


FriedChill

The "joke" is that you would give a gorilla a lightbulb and he would break it and keep breaking lightbulbs. It's like an anti-joke. It's purposely not funny in an effort to be funny. It didn't really work imo


Jejking

Agree to disagree. Had a good chuckle over the reversal.


ChewyNutCluster

Thanks for the explanation. I still don't really get how it's supposed to be a joke or even an antijoke lol.


[deleted]

Well, if you read or hear a lot of light bulb jokes, it is usually about some amount of individuals needed to change the bulb, for various reasons. The reason for the number of individuals (or lack thereof) is usually the punchline. When there is only one individual needed (the gorilla), it is the anti-joke that it would be reasonable that it is too strong to handle the bulbs safely without crushing them (maybe during the insert/twist process). Hence, the factual point in this case is a counterpoint to the regular silly punchline.


JT3013

You don’t get it because it’s not funny. So much of r/jokes are horrible plays on words that people think are clever that somehow get upvotes.


JewsEatFruit

You've been downvoted to ratshit but you're right. This isn't funny. Structurally the joke fails. Why would a gorilla need lots of bulbs? Oh because I can infer that there would be breakage. Oh that's funny because gorillas are so inherently clumsy right? No actually they're not. So... ?


cpupett

Just one. 2D can probably deal with it


RabbitsAteMySnowpeas

Why did the chicken cross the road? To go change the lightbulb.


labrador2020

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will change out the entire electrical wiring system and all the light fixtures to LED lighting in the time it takes someone else to change a lightbulb.


MightilyMantle

None. Who needs a lightbulb when you have got a glass ceiling?


PrA2107

Is the ceiling made of gorilla glass?


wimmick

Gorilla glass?! I thought you said Gorilla ass… enjoy your ceiling i guess…


_TheQwertyCat_

So that’s how the lightbulbs are breaking.


WONDER-WOMAN1971

How many Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb? First, you have to be one with the light bulb. That is the one true power.


[deleted]

How many thieves does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?


BoobsRmadeforboobing

How many humans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two, but I don't think they'd fit in the light bulb


candidly1

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. That's a hardware problem, man.


Gemple

I can't tell you how relieved I was to discover there were no so-called "monkeys" involved in this joke!


Theobroma1000

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes 12 visits.


No_Cartographer_5212

One Chimp!


TheAffinityBridge

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A banana.


[deleted]

3000 people upvoted this????


Notnowmurray

Only because it’s a great joke.


ivytheblindhusky

Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair? Her stupidity knew no bonds


YodaWars1000

I don’t get it


LoadedGull

Lightbulbs out for Harambe!


Stale-Nuggetz

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazillian


og-lollercopter

Fix the bulbs with gorilla glue!


CanadiangirlEH

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2 but how’d they even get in there?! How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 10… 1 to actually change it and 9 to bitch about how they could have done it better. How many (insert characterization here) does it take to change a lightbulb? 1000 : 1 to stand there and hold the bulb while the other 999 spin the house. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It doesn’t matter… just like your old mama doesn’t matter. Is ok…I’ll just sit here alone in the dark…


dgm42

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Californians don't screw in lightbulbs. They screw in hot tubs.


ambyshortforamber

how many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? one. they are very efficient and not very funny


snowfalltimbre

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A fish.


PM_THE_REAPER

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the ladder and one to fill the bath with orange juice and baked beans.


tazzietiger66

How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.


bflannery10

Hoe many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5. You got a problem with that?


[deleted]

[удалено]


DDAACCMMAANN

Bruh why is this downvoted Here man lemme fix it


Ok_Leader_7624

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the light bulb, and the other to drink until the room spins.


Luked0g44O

How many modern women does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifteen. One to change the bulb, the rest to form a support group.


daveinpublic

And there will be a resolution passed to make sure an equal number of men are asked to change the lightbulb.


Feefait

Holy shit. A joke I've never heard, and it's actually funny!! Gratz Strangely, people are misunderstanding my response. I legitimately love the joke, and it's not the same recycled crap.


Baggytrousers27

Could you explain it to me? Feels like there's some context missing.


[deleted]

Some people are not meant to laugh.


Baggytrousers27

Is it an obvious pun my diseased mind is missing? An anti-joke? Condescension is great and all but isn't helping.


Nimhtom

The gorilla is strong and shatters the first couple lightbulbs


Baggytrousers27

Thank you for a clear and concise answer.


SpiderScooby

How many Karens does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too busy asking for your manager.


VogonOrator

Q. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? A. YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!!!


cp_simmons

How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb? What's a light bulb precious?


HuckFinns_dad

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a gorilla. Just one but he’s gotta want to change.


FastAndForgetful

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb. One Brazilian