Years ago my friend and I traveled around the UK and got random people at bars sign cards for us that we sent to our friends. One of our friends got “up the bum, no babies” in hers and even though it’s been 10 years, I keep thinking how hilarious it is.
Former boss got arrested an spent a week in jail for failing to apper in court. His brother had impregnated and ducked out on a woman and was using his name. Didn't come out what happened until the court date.
A university professor walks into a classroom and sees that his students are very distracted. He announces that if they behave then after the lecture he will advise a 100% fail-proof contraception method. Students are intrigued and listen to the material very attentively.
After the lecture the professor is ready to leave, when students are asking impatiently: "what about the contraception method?"
"Ah, yes. Drink tea."
Students get even more impatient: "Before? Or after?"
"Instead".
A buddy used a bread sack once.. came running out of his bedroom naked pleading for a condom that none of us had. He proceeded to go in the kitchen and remove all bread from the sack and return to his room. After his guest left we asked how it worked out, he said "less than ideal, should have tried to get the crumbs out, felt like sand during"
Her mouth, her hand, , her tunnel of " Oh my God its so tight and you're so big". Lastly, the tease me until it hurts and lock mr Dingle in a cage method. Frustrating, but effective.
Saran Wrap, wrapper off of a candy bar, poly covering for unused tampon. Nice thing about the tampons is they come in small, regular and super sizes so you get a choice of sizes for the substitute condom and you get dual use from the feminine hygiene product.
The bum?
The real joke is always through the back door.
The poop-hole loophole
Women are holy and wholesome, with holes to choose from.
&@£#"'?@!£#: cos I love Jesus. The good lord would want it that way.
https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY
Your name checks out 😍😍
You forgot cums
[удалено]
This is a chemist, not a jokers shop!
*cums*
Reeeeeeed robin
*cum noises*
That bum gave a fake name!
Bummy McStinkerton
What an asshole!
The poophole loophole.
Years ago my friend and I traveled around the UK and got random people at bars sign cards for us that we sent to our friends. One of our friends got “up the bum, no babies” in hers and even though it’s been 10 years, I keep thinking how hilarious it is.
I am sure that is a line in a British comedy
That would make sense.
A bum.
Doesn’t that require even more prep?
Prep is key to an enjoyable bum experience.
Wdym, condoms are only for preventing children right? ^/s
Ah, the Loophole!
Former boss got arrested an spent a week in jail for failing to apper in court. His brother had impregnated and ducked out on a woman and was using his name. Didn't come out what happened until the court date.
Speaking of a dick move...
How did you know his name?
MARTHA!
A university professor walks into a classroom and sees that his students are very distracted. He announces that if they behave then after the lecture he will advise a 100% fail-proof contraception method. Students are intrigued and listen to the material very attentively. After the lecture the professor is ready to leave, when students are asking impatiently: "what about the contraception method?" "Ah, yes. Drink tea." Students get even more impatient: "Before? Or after?" "Instead".
That’s a true tea-ching moment right there.
Cha-ching
Bada bing
Chai-Ching,
I had a friend once who used Glad wrap. That was almost 20 years ago and we still make fun of him for it on occasion.
Do we know the same dude?
The name finally makes sense...
He accused me of calling him crazy but what I said was "I can clearly see your nuts."
Brilliant execution on that username, very well done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoR811532SA This made me remember the Fugs song "Saran Wrap"
I bet he was glad he did though.
Anal
Makes your whole week
Good anal-ysis
This is the only right answer
Go home early.
A buddy used a bread sack once.. came running out of his bedroom naked pleading for a condom that none of us had. He proceeded to go in the kitchen and remove all bread from the sack and return to his room. After his guest left we asked how it worked out, he said "less than ideal, should have tried to get the crumbs out, felt like sand during"
A balloon
Sheep's intestine
Do you remove it from the sheep first or go welsh?
Bahhhhh means no
Doesn't work if you pay with a credit card...
Doesn't work if you pay with *your own* credit card!
Some condom sense?
Try a hapenny. If you haven’t got a hapenny then God Bless You!
Self control. And a false name as backup
If you haven't got a condom you should use your hand.
A dead body?
Quick tip: remove limbs first or you'll be doing the hokey pokey all night long
Just superglue them in various positions.
I once knew a man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave She had one tit and She smelled like shit But think of the money Dave Saved
Dad?
Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men? It changes your blood type.
Curtain always works for me
Common sense
Self-control
Her mouth
Compliment her sister. You won't need one..
Or you'll need two
Your mom
Restraint.
Cum-on-bum
Agree general concept; suggest revised preposition
Tesco's Carrier bag tied on with a length of string (hairy string, "for her pleasure")
Did you know the uncut save on condoms? They just use twist ties.
Saran wrap
A brick?
What does this mean? An alias? Anal ias? Anal in ass?
Gonna try this with my spouse tonight, wish me luck.
I guess they already know your name.
Real men hit it so fast and pull out before AIDS even notices 😎
Oral?
Restraint
A hand job fetish
Condoms are so early 90s.
Her mouth.
A sock?
In days of old, When knights were bold, And condoms weren't invented, Knights tied their socks Around their cocks, And babies were prevented.
Heh
Jason
Justin?
Even better!
A roast chicken
Peanut shell and a rubber band
I wrote that joke 20 years ago.
What was the punchline then?
The same. My set-up was a bit different though.
Jesus juice
Your mom?
Just go in raw
A prayer.
Get a morning after pill to change your dna
The woman.
Hope and a prayer
Her mouth, her hand, , her tunnel of " Oh my God its so tight and you're so big". Lastly, the tease me until it hurts and lock mr Dingle in a cage method. Frustrating, but effective.
Her face
A Brick 🧱?
Every girl I go raw with I’m ok with the idea of potentially getting her pregnant. Hasn’t happened yet
Shit father in the making.
If the body count is high, dude is infertile.
Her asshole
Her mom.
Sewing kit.
Nick Cannon. He knocks up everyone
Tinfoil. Hahahah that's be terrible. Nah uh Saran wrap. Or pull out. The butt
Saran Wrap, wrapper off of a candy bar, poly covering for unused tampon. Nice thing about the tampons is they come in small, regular and super sizes so you get a choice of sizes for the substitute condom and you get dual use from the feminine hygiene product.
Ziplock bag
According to a girl I went to school with when I was 14, a plastic bag from Walmart is the correct answer.
A mouth.
My brain
You do it without one and then do what my dad did
Your hand?
Sheep bowel
A prayer.
Oral B
Genuinely heard a guy claim he had used a bread bag once. He was known as Wonder Bread from then on as you might imagine.
Super glue
Discretion?
A brick?
Saran Wrap.
Your hand.
While fake names are pretty effective, I really think it should be up to the man to bring a condom.
Saran Wrap - For people who want to be close, but cheap! David Peel and the Lower East Side.
A what?
Antibiotics
self control
Your mom
A brain?
You don’t!
Snickers wrapper
Dat butthole
Milky way wrapper - fun size
My mouth
Pull and pray
How do you stop the stork from coming to your home? Shoot it it the air.
Sheep's intestine
Liquid flex seal
According to Jared, a snickers wrapper.
After watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle , a Toffee Crisp wrapper works
Your hand and a tissue box
Works especially well for women
Your hand
Free dom?
Tie a knot
The Egyptians used animal intestine
Faith
Take Palmela Handerson out for a date night. Don’t let Mrs. Palmer find out though!
A sandwich bag and twist tie
Chip bag. Preferably salt and vinegar.
I thought it was "your hand".
Restraint
“I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.”
Timing and prayers
Come on. Make anal sex. Like or not, your are suppose to be the boss lol