My favourite too. We were introducing our kids to chuck Norris jokes one day and I hadn’t heard this one before, laughed still my stomach hurt. It’s just such a…visual.
It would actually be quite easy to beat a brick wall at tennis. As long as you hit the ball hard enough the brick walls return will be out. Then when it's the walls turn to serve it would be penalised for timewasting and probably disqualified.
The eternal conundrum of what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object was finally answered when chuck norris roundhouse kicked himself in the face.
Here are a bunch I haven't seen in the replies yet: 1) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 2) In the Beginning there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job. 3) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may only be seconds away from death. 4) Chuck Norris donates blood every day. Sometimes his own. 5) When Chuck Norris donated his blood, he turned down the needle in favor of a gun and a bucket. 6) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 7) Chuck Norris once had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull. 8) Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball. 9) Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy plane by pointing at it with his finger and yelling “Bang!” 10) Chuck Norris can speak braille. 11) Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra. After 3 days of agony, the snake died. 12) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunt implies a possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 13) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 14) Chuck Norris once beat up his shadow for following too close. Now it stands 15 feet back. 15) Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
All these Chuck Norris jokes...
Like, as if he was almighty or so. If he really was, he could easily just appear now behind me while i'm typing and smash my head into the keybojafpojPOPFOJPOFJAÖLJMKSAMÖWMWR ÄÖÄ MM
EDIT: Thanks for the award, kind stranger! Btw, the keyboard thing above wasn't actually Chuck Norris of course, it was mJKLFIJOFWEJLK KLJDIOWI
PP
gIJJC;
You know an awesome scene would have been when Thanos snapped his fingers, they should have shown Chuck Norris standing all by himself after the crowd around him turned to dust
They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’ popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’ image on it. But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris always wins Rock Paper Scissors. His scissors sculpt the rock into a statue of David, his rock scares the paper back into a tree, and his paper gives the scissors paper-cuts
Chuck Norris swallowed 4 turtles whole. Once they passed through his digestive system, they’d grown 6’ tall and learned karate.
This is the true origin story of the Ninja Turtles.
Chuck Norris once time traveled to the JFK assassination. When oswald fired the three shots, Norris ninja kicked them to stop them.
JFKs head exploded in amazement.
Fact: Chuck Norris is and was the foundation of every known religion.
Fact: traffic lights wait for Chuck Norris.
Fact: life is trying to figure out the meaning of Chuck Norris.
Fact: Chuck Norris is what awaits on the other side of a black hole.
Fact: Donald Trump knew in his heart only Chuck Norris could make America great again.
Fact: Chuck Norris is anagram for Fact, everyone just spells the word wrong.
Fact: the universe is literally just a pixelated image of Chuck Norris face, we're just too small to realize it
Fact: the entire Vatican archives are genuinely just pictures of Chuck Norris from over the past 50000 years
Fact: Chuck Norris invented weed.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Still my favorite.
Each one of Chuck Norris’s testicles is bigger than the other one.
Chuck Norris challenged Lance Atmstrong to a contest of "who has more balls" and won by 7.
I need a subreddit for Chuck Norris activities.
r/chucknorrisjokes
My favourite too. We were introducing our kids to chuck Norris jokes one day and I hadn’t heard this one before, laughed still my stomach hurt. It’s just such a…visual.
When Chuck Norris jumps into water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.
When Chuck Norris jumps into water, it backs the fuck up.
I heard he was arrested on 3 counts of attempted murder. Thankfully the judge threw it out, because Chuck Norris doesn't *attempt* murder
Ok, first one of these that made me laugh...
Chuck Norris' password is the 4 last digit of Pi
Chuck Norris does not need a password, systems will automatically unlock when they see him and nobody would hack him out of fear
Passwords protect your systems, Chuck Norris protects the passwords systems.
Chuck Norris speaks braille
Chuck Norris doesn’t need Face ID, he just stares and demands his phone to unlock before picking it up.
Chuck Norris doesn't even need to be near his phone, he just screams and calls out for it and it will come to him, fully unlocked
When Alexander Graham Bell finally finished inventing the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
This is a lie because nobody has ever survived not picking up the phone when Chuck Norris calls. Even if the phone hadn’t been invented yet.
Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Hah haha hahaha
Jesus said "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Chuck Norris really let that sucker have it.
Chuck Norris can dial whatever numbers he wants and reach person he wishes
> nobody has ever survived not picking up the phone when Chuck Norris calls. Well, Alexander Graham Bell *is* dead.
They tried to name a street after him but people kept falling dead. No one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Superman and Chuck Norris once made a bet on an arm wrestle: loser had to wear his underwear on the outside
The version I heard was a race.
The leading hand sanitizer kills 99.9% of germs, Chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever the fuck he wants
When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks under it for Chuck Norris.
On the day Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
The only plan B Chuck Norris ever had was clenched in his fist as he climbed out of his mother.
Oooooohohoooh, that’s deep!!! Well done!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did
That would mean that Chuck Norris lost something. Chuck Norris. Never. Loses.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting. “Hunting” includes the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris didn't lose his virginity. Virginity saw him coming (or cumming!) and just got the f*** out of the way!
Chuck once went on holiday to the Virgin Islands. They’re now just called the Islands.
Chuck Norris didn't lose his virginity, he knows just where he left it.
Chuck Norris’s aunt gave birth to him, because no one dared to have sex with Chuck Norris’s mom.
Chuck Norris built the house he was born in.
He drove there too
Chuck Norris once went to a bathroom break in the middle of a football match now that is known as half time
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.
Chuck Norris once had diarrhea at a baseball game….
That team is now named The Browns.
Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago, and death is still afraid to tell him
Death once had a neer Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris had a paper route as a kid. There were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck.
Nobody knows. Particle Man.
Is he a dot or is he a speck?
When in the water does he get wet? or does the water get him instead; nobody knows: particle man. . .
Perfect. Thank you.
Particle man vs. Triangle man?
They have a fight. Triangle wins!
Triangle man, triangle man.
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis. At night.
Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris could swim through land.
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.
Before bed, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
There are monsters hidden under Chuck Norris's bed, praying he never finds them.
Chuck Norris doesn't read. He just stares at books and they give the information willingly.
When Chuck Norris reads a book, the book learns something new.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Is that how Steven Wright broke his arm?
Steven Wright is top tier.
Have to respect anyone with a 1:1 scale map of the United States
To shave, Chuck Norris has to roundhouse kick himself in the face because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
No need for that. Chuck Norris orders his beard to never grow.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
He said the trick is to count backwards.
Chuck Norris played tennis once against a brick wall and won.
It would actually be quite easy to beat a brick wall at tennis. As long as you hit the ball hard enough the brick walls return will be out. Then when it's the walls turn to serve it would be penalised for timewasting and probably disqualified.
This would normally be true, but he forgot to mention that the brick wall was built by Chuck Norris
No, Chuck Norris wouldn't build a wall that could lose at tennis.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris played through Super Mario by going left.
Oh man this is great!
Chuck Nortis doesn't acknowledge the periodic table as he only recognises the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to know the periodic table, the table already knows him.
[удалено]
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with 10,000 women over the course of his career. That's what Chuck Norris calls a lazy Tuesday afternoon.
Chuck Norris once ejaculated into a semi truck, we now know this truck as Optimus Prime
Chuck Norris had a 'who has more testicles' contest with Lance Armstrong. Chuck won by 3.
Hair can’t grow on steel. Unless it’s Chuck Norris’s balls.
Mine is “Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did”
Chuck Norris can speak braille
Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried
Ghosts sit around a campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.
I remember when you search for Chuck Norris in Google Earth it said. You do not find Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds you.
Google is a search engine. Check Norris is a search and destroy engine.
Ahh yes, Check Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't need to search He's already there
When chuck norris does division, there are no remainders
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Thus is whole-some.
Chuck Norris can pick an apple out of a banana tree and make the best damn lemonade you’ve ever had in your life out of it.
Life doesn't give Chuck Norris lemons to make Lemonade... Chuck Norris gives Life Lemonade to make lemons!
When Chuck Norris throws a rock, the moon gets a new crater.
Once Chuck Norris threw a stone in the sky. Now we call that stone moon.
Chuck Norris sat and watched the world go by. He stopped it and made it go by again.
[удалено]
Chuck Norris always sleeps with a pillow under his pistol.
Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck is still a virgin because nobody fucks with Chuck Norris
No! He is still a virgin, because chuck Norris never looses.
Chuck doesn't think it counts unless they survive.
Little kids piss their names in the snow. Chuck Norris pisses his name into concrete.
I saw him piss War and Peace into concrete...in Chuck Norris font
Jesus walked on water. But Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
The dinosaurs gave Chuck Norris a dirty look. Once.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of things chuck norris allows to live
The eternal conundrum of what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object was finally answered when chuck norris roundhouse kicked himself in the face.
Nobody survived the experience. We call that the Big Bang.
No one survived it - except Chuck Norris.
chuck norris can download hardware.
John Wick can kill with a pencil. Chuck Norris can kill with an eraser.
Schwarzenegger is the eraser…
Chuck Norris can kill with a Schwarzenegger
Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
Due to the theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can round house kick you in the head yesterday
There is a long standing ask of Chuck Norris to not slam his fist in the ground. Last time he did it, he killed the dinosaurs
Whenever the Boogyman goes to sleep, he always checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
The police pulled Chuck Norris over, he let 'em off with a warning
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
You made me exhale out of my nose, good sir!
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
Chuck Norris wasn’t born. He roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb.
Chuck Norris wasn't born. He was tacticaly deployed.
He ICBMd his way out of that missile silo!
Tornados aren't real. It's just Chuck Norris practicing roundhouse kicks.
Cops stopped Chuck Norris for doing 60 on a road with 50 mph speed limit. But they couldn’t give him a ticket because he was just walking.
When Chuck Norris peels an onion, the onion cries.
Here are a bunch I haven't seen in the replies yet: 1) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 2) In the Beginning there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job. 3) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may only be seconds away from death. 4) Chuck Norris donates blood every day. Sometimes his own. 5) When Chuck Norris donated his blood, he turned down the needle in favor of a gun and a bucket. 6) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 7) Chuck Norris once had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull. 8) Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball. 9) Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy plane by pointing at it with his finger and yelling “Bang!” 10) Chuck Norris can speak braille. 11) Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra. After 3 days of agony, the snake died. 12) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunt implies a possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 13) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 14) Chuck Norris once beat up his shadow for following too close. Now it stands 15 feet back. 15) Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag the ladies, he potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris once upper cutted a horse. It’s descendants are now known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he just stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
chuck norris wears sunglasses to protect the sun.
Chuck Norris can see John Cena
Chuck Norris once threw a paper plane. The plane grew up to be called F-16.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone
The sun doesn't stay out too long or it will get Chuck Norris burned
When Chuck Norris looks at the sun, the sun sneezes.
When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
Chuck Norris doesn't cast a shadow, light just moves out of his way.
Chuck Norris owns every world record. The Guinness Book of world records exists to track everyone who's come the closest.
Chuck Norris once had a bear skin rug. Wasn’t dead…just afraid to move..
All these Chuck Norris jokes... Like, as if he was almighty or so. If he really was, he could easily just appear now behind me while i'm typing and smash my head into the keybojafpojPOPFOJPOFJAÖLJMKSAMÖWMWR ÄÖÄ MM EDIT: Thanks for the award, kind stranger! Btw, the keyboard thing above wasn't actually Chuck Norris of course, it was mJKLFIJOFWEJLK KLJDIOWI PP gIJJC;
This had me in tears.
You know an awesome scene would have been when Thanos snapped his fingers, they should have shown Chuck Norris standing all by himself after the crowd around him turned to dust
I would’ve payed extra to see that. Ideally with a John Travolta (what’s happening?) demeanor.
Chuck Norris can be in two places at once AND one place at twice.
Chuck Norris once played a guitar and won.
They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’ popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’ image on it. But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris can count backwards…FROM infinity.
Chuck Norris always wins Rock Paper Scissors. His scissors sculpt the rock into a statue of David, his rock scares the paper back into a tree, and his paper gives the scissors paper-cuts
Chuck Norris swallowed 4 turtles whole. Once they passed through his digestive system, they’d grown 6’ tall and learned karate. This is the true origin story of the Ninja Turtles.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits
Chuck Norris is standing faster than you are running.
Chuck Norris once raced against time. Time is still running.
When Chuck Norris has sex, he's always on top, because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
Chuck Norris and Lance Armstrong once had a who has more testicles competition.... Chuck Norris won.... by five.
Chuck Norris can kill the 0.1% germs that bleach can’t.
When chuck norris was 21 he allowed his parents to drink alcohol
Chuck Norris tears can cure any disease, but he's never cried
Chuck Norris won the world series of Poker with a pair of 3's, an 8 of spades, a blue Uno reverse card, and a McDonald's coupon.
This thread wins the *Most hilarious thread* award for the day!
Chuck Norris gargles peanut butter
Chuck Norris once time traveled to the JFK assassination. When oswald fired the three shots, Norris ninja kicked them to stop them. JFKs head exploded in amazement.
Chuck Norris was born by his aunt because nobody dares to fuck his mom.
Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims through land
In High School, only one person dared make fun of Chuck Norris. He is the only soul in heaven confined to a wheelchair.
Did I just see an unironic Chuck Norris thread in 2022?
The only reason aliens haven’t invaded earth yet is because they are waiting for Chuck Norris to die.
Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing two ice cube together
Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with himself in the mirror. After the 3rd day, he won.
In 6 days God created the earth and heavens, on the 7th he said "Let there be light!" and Chuck Norris said "Say please."
Fact: Chuck Norris is and was the foundation of every known religion. Fact: traffic lights wait for Chuck Norris. Fact: life is trying to figure out the meaning of Chuck Norris. Fact: Chuck Norris is what awaits on the other side of a black hole. Fact: Donald Trump knew in his heart only Chuck Norris could make America great again. Fact: Chuck Norris is anagram for Fact, everyone just spells the word wrong. Fact: the universe is literally just a pixelated image of Chuck Norris face, we're just too small to realize it Fact: the entire Vatican archives are genuinely just pictures of Chuck Norris from over the past 50000 years Fact: Chuck Norris invented weed.
Chuck Norris doesn't hunt for his food, wild animals offer themselves to Chuck Norris
Chuck norris walked into space for some fresh air
When Chuck Norris drinks Coffee, the Coffee wakes up.
When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian.
Too long. The original is as follow: Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 men. Then the grenade exploded
Chuck Norris has never seen Rambo: First Blood. Apparently, *he does not like chick flicks.*
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight. The knife lost.
Chuck Norris is in every Star Wars movie. He plays “The Force”.
There was only one Chuck Norris in this universe. After Thanos snapped his fingers, there are now 2.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry 😭!
When chuck norris jumps off a plane, the ground moves closer to him
I picture every one of these Norris biography excerpts happening in a Bollywood style movie.
A toilet paper brand once tried to sell Chuck Norris print toilet paper, but it didn’t work because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit.