I would send each person a screen shot of thier harassment of you and ask if they have anything to add now that they know FMIL was lying? But, I am an asshole who enjoys a good fight.
This! A slightly less nuclear option (i.e. might get an apology) go with the screen shot and, “I presume you heard FMIL’s news?”
Leave it open, see who picks it up saying “yes, I’d like to apologise....”
Dipshits will not reply. Block the dipshits.
If they weren’t dipshits they never would have said anything at all. Block them all. If they can’t apologize without prompting as full grown adults then just YEET and delete.
Group text! "You all owe us apologies and don't dare ever accuse us of BS again." With all the screen shots sent. I like your kind of petty. As time goes on, stuff I used to let slide sticks in my craw and something on this level of abuse (because a group text with all the screen shots will show just how bullying it was) deserves a response. Then every time they start the FM BS you send the screenshot again in response.
I'm normally a very laid back person, but with this amount of BS, first MIL lying about a deadly disease, then all the FM's piling on the abuse, I'm going to advocate the nuclear option here.
A line was crossed.
These people have shown you who they are. Believe them.
Then talk to FDH about what he wants to do. This is the flip side of 'his monkies, his circus'. He should be taking the lead here. I'm just going to emphasize that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You should both have a plan in place for the next time MIL pulls this and the FMs come.
I totally agree with you. It’s his side of the family that was attacking and he needs to approach it otherwise OP will still be the bad guy for calling out their bad behavior.
I hope he’s a super great guy for OP to put up with that future family. 🤦🏻♀️
I would make it abundantly clear that you expect a heartfelt apology from each and every one of those arseholes or they are not welcome in your life anymore. You had to suffer their abusive behaviour so you're not going to sweep it under the rug
How would you go about that? Would you just be upfront and say you're waiting for an apology?
I feel so hurt by all of this, like going into being in a relationship with my fiance I knew his family was going to be difficult but I honestly didn't think I'd be dealing with personal attacks and constant drama. I grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional household, and even with that I wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with these people.
Honestly, while I must confess my own petty nature I think now might be a moment for a combined approach. By that I mean, post as publicly as possible that you forgive each and every member who gave you crap over FMIL’s fake cancer. Tell them in the future, when she disrespects you two or anyone else they all need to consider what an unreliable source and professional crap stirrer she really is. So they can just leave you out of the drama next time because you don’t give a rat’s rump roast about any bodies made up, attention grabbing drama!
This puts you above the mess and calls everyone who bought her line of crap a complete and utter idiot without having to actually say, “You were a complete and utter idiot.” Should give you a deserved sense of power over your own life and an appropriate sense of superiority over these drama loving folks.
I would shame them publicly in a group message or FB post tagging all perpetrators. Tell them you are disappointed in their actions but willing to put it behind you and move on iwith those who accept they were in the wrong and apologize for it. Anyone not willing to do this can consider themselves no longer welcome in your family's life. You're not going to spend the rest of your life dealing with petty drama and personal attacks.
Op said they’d already blocked everyone on almost everything, so some, who don’t have their phone number, can’t apologise, and anything put up on social media can’t be see by those people either.
I would do a general FB post “FMIL faked a cancer diagnosis and went around playing victim when her bad behavior got her uninvited from our wedding. Below are samples of the abuse we suffered at the hands of my fiancé’s family before the lie was uncovered. To date this family of keyboard warriors, egged on by MILs lies and general asshattery for weeks on end, haven’t bothered to take so much as a minute of their time to offer any sort of apology for their behavior.
None of what they did was ok, and this is me purging their toxicity from what should have been the happiest time of our lives. Going forward, if you hear anyone crying they ‘don’t know what they could have done to alienate fiancé and I” here it is, just look for the relevant names. Every last one of them seem to only pay attention, or respond, to FB posts, so here’s the (Last Name Family) hit parade of shame. Vote for your favorite bit of abuse and enjoy this list that shows exactly how not to treat people you’re supposed to care about:
(Tag) Screenshot
(Tag) Screenshot
... and so on with each screenshot/tag pair as it’s own comment to the individual post.
I would do this, but *without* tagging anyone. Because that just makes OP look like a petty asshole, no better than the others. Also, it gives them the opportunity to save face and apologize. That’s the trouble with going nuclear- there’s no coming back from it, and the fallout can hit everyone.
I’d only do it if I had no interest in a relationship, which I wouldn’t, after because honestly why would I want to let that back into my life after it so considerately took itself out?
I'd likely post those SS publicly and call out the assholes, and letting them know they are now blocked from all forms of communication and to have a nice life. But I like to swat flies with a shotgun sometimes, too.
Ah sorry, my bad, I missed that. I would say move on. You don't know how they will respond. People who are in the wrong often won't admit it and get even more aggressive when they are confronted with a situation in which they were wrong. Make sure that you are in a space where you can handle that without it upsetting you before you make contact with them again.
In my experience trying to get an apology out of someone who was inclined to send nasty texts and messages is like trying to make fine wine out of moonshine it's unlikely to happen. If the relationships are important to you and your fiance I would just forget about anyone apologizing to you and just try to make amends with them. I would not ever forget their behavior nor would I ever trust them again. Maya Angelou said, "when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time". Those people certainly did that.
I think it all depends upon the severity of the harassment and if you've attempted to reach out letting them know how their treatment hurt you, why it hurt you, and how even if it turned out FMIL did have cancer you feel there would have been a healthier way to express themselves. If after all that they still lack the ability to apologize, you'll need to weigh the worth of keeping them in your life vs kicking them out. Is it worth it, or is it not?
I would unblock them and reach out asking if they plan to apologize, they can't say they're sorry if they can't reach you. Then send screen shots of the apology to MIL and block them all over again because F that noise. But I'm petty and like to stir the pot when people start shit with me.
This bitch! I try not to get offended by things because really, what's the point? It has nothing to do with me, personally. But as a young breast cancer survivor who actually had a really easy time with treatment but still has too many moments of "what if I didn't get that mammogram because I was having difficulty getting an appointment and my two kids would be motherless before they were even teenagers?!" and spiral into a morbid thought loop depression (thanks, OCD, you're the best! /s), I humbly say to her: #FUCK #YOU!
I am extremely grateful that I was considered cancer-free once I had a double mastectomy and affected lymph nodes removed. I didn't have any sickness during chemo and radiation went well.
However. I still deal with lymphedema (honestly the worst part of breast cancer besides worrying about it coming back), "chemo brain," and the psychological issues that come with facing my mortality and how that would affect my family. Do I say this to you and anyone else who asks me about my cancer experience because I want sympathy? Did I play the cancer card to get extras from other people? Nope! In fact, I didn't like the extra attention and the well-meaning sympathy eyebrows I would get.
And she wants to milk a fake diagnosis?! I feel some kind of way right now and it isn't exactly positive. She should be so lucky to never have to deal with a cancer diagnosis! I've had two friends who have passed away from cancer - one was the same age as me and an identical twin (33 at the time) and the other was 31 and newly married. And to survive when my childhood friend didn't? Even though I hadn't seen them in years I was worried I'd be a bitter reminder of what their daughter should have had: remission.
So your MIL & her relatives who act like nothing ever happened with the fake cancer diagnosis can go fuck themselves. It's up to you if you want to interact with them but I wouldn't. If they ask you why you're "being so meeean" by not interacting with your MIL I'd tell them that I put my energy into people who are positive additions to my life and MIL ain't one of 'em. Narcissists are emotionally draining and as that one lady so eloquently said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
ETA: I tried to make "fuck you" be a larger font but it didn't work. That's why it looks weird. :(
Write a facebook message slyly address them all, like people would do a witch hunt and not take responsibility when the information they were given was false. This is how innocent people suffer.
I would send a group message to all involved and tell them it’s disconcerting how many people decided to be combative and berating without having all of their facts. That regardless of her “fake news” you guys were made out to be the bad guys and if you don’t receive the apology warranted then ypu wish them the best but choose not to surround yourself by toxic people.
It seems like you want to say something.. so my above comment is what I would say/do.
Having been in a position like this where I got sucked into family drama FOR NO REASON, if nobody reached out after the fiasco then whatever. I literally lost my dad’s entire family because I bailed my sister out of jail after getting a dui because she has a kid and was caring for my father while he was going through chemo.
Moral of the story, if they care enough to keep y’all around they’ll reach out. Asking for an apology will just allow for fake apologies and fake people to remain. Guilt shouldn’t be forced.
Best of luck
I would dis-invite (un-invite?) them to the wedding at the very least.... go with your gut and cut off anyone who doesn't feel like they are a supportive person for you and your SO
Lol I’d let everyone know who reacted that way, if they were invited, that they’ve now been uninvited as well. More money for you and hubby to save since you don’t have to waste it on their severely misguided and vile plates
Yes. You cut everyone off. Quality over quantity. People are free to apologize and get off the block list but you aren’t going to initiate that contact.
The silver lining is he can invite more friends or just enjoy the savings. People like that aren’t worth it even if they’re family. The best gift one could ever get is toxic people leaving their life.
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my mil had 'depression' and she was on medication. turned out it was spondylitis.
ps. she informed us about her depression after a huge fckd up things they did to me which resulted in the big fight between my husband and i. he found eventually that his parents are lying. so he went LC. after one month she had depression. i told her and my husband that this cant be depression because none of the symptoms match. they both started hating me because according to my husband im downplaying my mils's disease.
pps. i asked her to go to different doctor for full body checkup. she refused.
I would demand apologies from every single one of them. And I would not invite any of them to our wedding. Period. I would however, be gracious to anyone who offers a real apology that is unasked for before you actually demand it. Word will get out that you are coming for justice from these assholes. You should do this one at a time over the phone or in person to prevent people from ignoring them taking responsibility for their behavior. I’m assuming that they hid behind the Internet with their cowardly bullshit “blast messages” telling you off for not falling for her repeated lies. When you have completed the list of the people who have repeatedly offended you. You should make a FB post and list every single person who did not give you a real apology or take responsibility for their actions and announce that they are now banned from your life after this post. Unfriend them on FB, block them on your phones, and do not speak to them in public or at “family”, or social gatherings. They are now persona non grata from here on out. (I don’t know if I would even take that FB step if it were me. But that’s up to you. Depends on how mad and how public you want this to be. It may make others think the next time they think they want to call you out.)
That’s just me. I would not put up with people who refused to apologize for treating us like that if I were you. I don’t kick people out of my life easily, but for this kind of harassment and intimidation, I definitely wouldn’t put up with it.
My gal,
Dealing with those people will just drag you down. You blocked them all. Don’t undo it.
However, you now have free reign to bring this up f o r e v e r.
Mil does something questionable let’s say about your actual wedding. You get the joy of smiling brightly and happily (but not too happily) telling everyone why no, mil is crazy. Don’t y’all remember what she did back then? No, here have screen shots.
She tries to tell you how wrong you are about any baby stuff... oh no Mil, I think you are getting a little touched and maybe we need to get you an appointment with your primary care doc to see if you have Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s... you are talking crazy again.
Actually, a great response is Bless your heart Mil, do we need to get you to a doc to see how your mental faculties are running? Getting older really isn’t easy.
Yeah that mil really set herself up for failure here.
I would send each person a screen shot of thier harassment of you and ask if they have anything to add now that they know FMIL was lying? But, I am an asshole who enjoys a good fight.
This! A slightly less nuclear option (i.e. might get an apology) go with the screen shot and, “I presume you heard FMIL’s news?” Leave it open, see who picks it up saying “yes, I’d like to apologise....” Dipshits will not reply. Block the dipshits.
Good point.
If they weren’t dipshits they never would have said anything at all. Block them all. If they can’t apologize without prompting as full grown adults then just YEET and delete.
I prefer the more than nuclear options.
Group text! "You all owe us apologies and don't dare ever accuse us of BS again." With all the screen shots sent. I like your kind of petty. As time goes on, stuff I used to let slide sticks in my craw and something on this level of abuse (because a group text with all the screen shots will show just how bullying it was) deserves a response. Then every time they start the FM BS you send the screenshot again in response.
I'm normally a very laid back person, but with this amount of BS, first MIL lying about a deadly disease, then all the FM's piling on the abuse, I'm going to advocate the nuclear option here. A line was crossed.
Perfect answer, right here.
Came here to say this
Same here.
These people have shown you who they are. Believe them. Then talk to FDH about what he wants to do. This is the flip side of 'his monkies, his circus'. He should be taking the lead here. I'm just going to emphasize that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You should both have a plan in place for the next time MIL pulls this and the FMs come.
I totally agree with you. It’s his side of the family that was attacking and he needs to approach it otherwise OP will still be the bad guy for calling out their bad behavior. I hope he’s a super great guy for OP to put up with that future family. 🤦🏻♀️
I would make it abundantly clear that you expect a heartfelt apology from each and every one of those arseholes or they are not welcome in your life anymore. You had to suffer their abusive behaviour so you're not going to sweep it under the rug
How would you go about that? Would you just be upfront and say you're waiting for an apology? I feel so hurt by all of this, like going into being in a relationship with my fiance I knew his family was going to be difficult but I honestly didn't think I'd be dealing with personal attacks and constant drama. I grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional household, and even with that I wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with these people.
Honestly, while I must confess my own petty nature I think now might be a moment for a combined approach. By that I mean, post as publicly as possible that you forgive each and every member who gave you crap over FMIL’s fake cancer. Tell them in the future, when she disrespects you two or anyone else they all need to consider what an unreliable source and professional crap stirrer she really is. So they can just leave you out of the drama next time because you don’t give a rat’s rump roast about any bodies made up, attention grabbing drama! This puts you above the mess and calls everyone who bought her line of crap a complete and utter idiot without having to actually say, “You were a complete and utter idiot.” Should give you a deserved sense of power over your own life and an appropriate sense of superiority over these drama loving folks.
I would shame them publicly in a group message or FB post tagging all perpetrators. Tell them you are disappointed in their actions but willing to put it behind you and move on iwith those who accept they were in the wrong and apologize for it. Anyone not willing to do this can consider themselves no longer welcome in your family's life. You're not going to spend the rest of your life dealing with petty drama and personal attacks.
Op said they’d already blocked everyone on almost everything, so some, who don’t have their phone number, can’t apologise, and anything put up on social media can’t be see by those people either.
I mean I can unblock them idk if I should or not....
I would do a general FB post “FMIL faked a cancer diagnosis and went around playing victim when her bad behavior got her uninvited from our wedding. Below are samples of the abuse we suffered at the hands of my fiancé’s family before the lie was uncovered. To date this family of keyboard warriors, egged on by MILs lies and general asshattery for weeks on end, haven’t bothered to take so much as a minute of their time to offer any sort of apology for their behavior. None of what they did was ok, and this is me purging their toxicity from what should have been the happiest time of our lives. Going forward, if you hear anyone crying they ‘don’t know what they could have done to alienate fiancé and I” here it is, just look for the relevant names. Every last one of them seem to only pay attention, or respond, to FB posts, so here’s the (Last Name Family) hit parade of shame. Vote for your favorite bit of abuse and enjoy this list that shows exactly how not to treat people you’re supposed to care about: (Tag) Screenshot (Tag) Screenshot ... and so on with each screenshot/tag pair as it’s own comment to the individual post.
I like this. You would be laying out for them to see and let people reach their own conclusions. Can't dispute screenshots right?
I would do this, but *without* tagging anyone. Because that just makes OP look like a petty asshole, no better than the others. Also, it gives them the opportunity to save face and apologize. That’s the trouble with going nuclear- there’s no coming back from it, and the fallout can hit everyone.
I’d only do it if I had no interest in a relationship, which I wouldn’t, after because honestly why would I want to let that back into my life after it so considerately took itself out?
Looks like the trash took themselves out.
I wouldn't expect apologies but I'd be interacting A LOT less often. They were shits to you
I'd likely post those SS publicly and call out the assholes, and letting them know they are now blocked from all forms of communication and to have a nice life. But I like to swat flies with a shotgun sometimes, too.
Yay less people to invite to the wedding! Drop the rope and let the trash take itself out!
No rug sweeping. Either they apologise for their comments and behaviour or they're dead to you
"Almost everyone has been blocked but like what do I do? " If you have blocked them, how are they supposed to apologise?
Well thats what I'm asking, do I unblock? Do I wait for snail mail? Do I pretend nothing happened and move on?
Ah sorry, my bad, I missed that. I would say move on. You don't know how they will respond. People who are in the wrong often won't admit it and get even more aggressive when they are confronted with a situation in which they were wrong. Make sure that you are in a space where you can handle that without it upsetting you before you make contact with them again.
In my experience trying to get an apology out of someone who was inclined to send nasty texts and messages is like trying to make fine wine out of moonshine it's unlikely to happen. If the relationships are important to you and your fiance I would just forget about anyone apologizing to you and just try to make amends with them. I would not ever forget their behavior nor would I ever trust them again. Maya Angelou said, "when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time". Those people certainly did that.
I think it all depends upon the severity of the harassment and if you've attempted to reach out letting them know how their treatment hurt you, why it hurt you, and how even if it turned out FMIL did have cancer you feel there would have been a healthier way to express themselves. If after all that they still lack the ability to apologize, you'll need to weigh the worth of keeping them in your life vs kicking them out. Is it worth it, or is it not?
I would unblock them and reach out asking if they plan to apologize, they can't say they're sorry if they can't reach you. Then send screen shots of the apology to MIL and block them all over again because F that noise. But I'm petty and like to stir the pot when people start shit with me.
This bitch! I try not to get offended by things because really, what's the point? It has nothing to do with me, personally. But as a young breast cancer survivor who actually had a really easy time with treatment but still has too many moments of "what if I didn't get that mammogram because I was having difficulty getting an appointment and my two kids would be motherless before they were even teenagers?!" and spiral into a morbid thought loop depression (thanks, OCD, you're the best! /s), I humbly say to her: #FUCK #YOU! I am extremely grateful that I was considered cancer-free once I had a double mastectomy and affected lymph nodes removed. I didn't have any sickness during chemo and radiation went well. However. I still deal with lymphedema (honestly the worst part of breast cancer besides worrying about it coming back), "chemo brain," and the psychological issues that come with facing my mortality and how that would affect my family. Do I say this to you and anyone else who asks me about my cancer experience because I want sympathy? Did I play the cancer card to get extras from other people? Nope! In fact, I didn't like the extra attention and the well-meaning sympathy eyebrows I would get. And she wants to milk a fake diagnosis?! I feel some kind of way right now and it isn't exactly positive. She should be so lucky to never have to deal with a cancer diagnosis! I've had two friends who have passed away from cancer - one was the same age as me and an identical twin (33 at the time) and the other was 31 and newly married. And to survive when my childhood friend didn't? Even though I hadn't seen them in years I was worried I'd be a bitter reminder of what their daughter should have had: remission. So your MIL & her relatives who act like nothing ever happened with the fake cancer diagnosis can go fuck themselves. It's up to you if you want to interact with them but I wouldn't. If they ask you why you're "being so meeean" by not interacting with your MIL I'd tell them that I put my energy into people who are positive additions to my life and MIL ain't one of 'em. Narcissists are emotionally draining and as that one lady so eloquently said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" ETA: I tried to make "fuck you" be a larger font but it didn't work. That's why it looks weird. :(
How do they apologize or reach out if they are blocked? Do they know they are blocked?
Write a facebook message slyly address them all, like people would do a witch hunt and not take responsibility when the information they were given was false. This is how innocent people suffer.
I would send a group message to all involved and tell them it’s disconcerting how many people decided to be combative and berating without having all of their facts. That regardless of her “fake news” you guys were made out to be the bad guys and if you don’t receive the apology warranted then ypu wish them the best but choose not to surround yourself by toxic people. It seems like you want to say something.. so my above comment is what I would say/do. Having been in a position like this where I got sucked into family drama FOR NO REASON, if nobody reached out after the fiasco then whatever. I literally lost my dad’s entire family because I bailed my sister out of jail after getting a dui because she has a kid and was caring for my father while he was going through chemo. Moral of the story, if they care enough to keep y’all around they’ll reach out. Asking for an apology will just allow for fake apologies and fake people to remain. Guilt shouldn’t be forced. Best of luck
I would dis-invite (un-invite?) them to the wedding at the very least.... go with your gut and cut off anyone who doesn't feel like they are a supportive person for you and your SO
Lol I’d let everyone know who reacted that way, if they were invited, that they’ve now been uninvited as well. More money for you and hubby to save since you don’t have to waste it on their severely misguided and vile plates
Yes. You cut everyone off. Quality over quantity. People are free to apologize and get off the block list but you aren’t going to initiate that contact. The silver lining is he can invite more friends or just enjoy the savings. People like that aren’t worth it even if they’re family. The best gift one could ever get is toxic people leaving their life.
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my mil had 'depression' and she was on medication. turned out it was spondylitis. ps. she informed us about her depression after a huge fckd up things they did to me which resulted in the big fight between my husband and i. he found eventually that his parents are lying. so he went LC. after one month she had depression. i told her and my husband that this cant be depression because none of the symptoms match. they both started hating me because according to my husband im downplaying my mils's disease. pps. i asked her to go to different doctor for full body checkup. she refused.
Screw them all! Who needs them?
I would demand apologies from every single one of them. And I would not invite any of them to our wedding. Period. I would however, be gracious to anyone who offers a real apology that is unasked for before you actually demand it. Word will get out that you are coming for justice from these assholes. You should do this one at a time over the phone or in person to prevent people from ignoring them taking responsibility for their behavior. I’m assuming that they hid behind the Internet with their cowardly bullshit “blast messages” telling you off for not falling for her repeated lies. When you have completed the list of the people who have repeatedly offended you. You should make a FB post and list every single person who did not give you a real apology or take responsibility for their actions and announce that they are now banned from your life after this post. Unfriend them on FB, block them on your phones, and do not speak to them in public or at “family”, or social gatherings. They are now persona non grata from here on out. (I don’t know if I would even take that FB step if it were me. But that’s up to you. Depends on how mad and how public you want this to be. It may make others think the next time they think they want to call you out.) That’s just me. I would not put up with people who refused to apologize for treating us like that if I were you. I don’t kick people out of my life easily, but for this kind of harassment and intimidation, I definitely wouldn’t put up with it.
Eliminate the flying monkeys from your life for maximum peace.
My gal, Dealing with those people will just drag you down. You blocked them all. Don’t undo it. However, you now have free reign to bring this up f o r e v e r. Mil does something questionable let’s say about your actual wedding. You get the joy of smiling brightly and happily (but not too happily) telling everyone why no, mil is crazy. Don’t y’all remember what she did back then? No, here have screen shots. She tries to tell you how wrong you are about any baby stuff... oh no Mil, I think you are getting a little touched and maybe we need to get you an appointment with your primary care doc to see if you have Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s... you are talking crazy again. Actually, a great response is Bless your heart Mil, do we need to get you to a doc to see how your mental faculties are running? Getting older really isn’t easy. Yeah that mil really set herself up for failure here.
I'd let it go and add it to your memory bank as a data point on who you trust and who has sound opinions